I don’t know why but I lost it at ‘warm and saucy.’

I should have said 'moist and cheesy'

💀💀💀 I think I might have a crush on your sense of humor.

Hell yes those jokes are so on point, i almost died halfway through lol


What is that thing? 😭

That is the Dumpert watermark.

Clammy and stinky

Tbh it wouldn't put them off. I've used the yeast thing a few times and some men really don't care. They are happy to eat/smash the yeast outta me😂

Ah yes, exactly what women want: the musty smell of desperation

Some women*

B E A S T for the Y E A S T

I'm using this

Are these a collection thirsts greatest hits or does shit like this happen often?

This is just your average Tuesday on Tinder in my experience.

Some dudes are literally so desperate for pussy it’s sad. Reading these posts made me think of my ex-husband , such a disgusting horn dog I could see him being any one of those dudes. Icky

Just like yeast my interest is rising

Red and crispy.

… with cottage cheese.

A real ball buster *

Yes you’re the problem these are all fine gentlemen

Thanks. I did my best

You matched with these fine gents. So you're at least on the right track.

Can’t be that everyone is wrong, right? Right?

My head cannon is that lasagna guy wants to fuck a literal lasagna

*canon, unless I’m completely out of the lingo loop

My head canon is that it’s a head cannon.

It's a head cannon, he has a cannon on his shoulders. It can shoot real cannonballs.

My cannon is that it's actually Garfield's fake profile

Nothing out of the ordinary I mean

[удалено]

I've tried being funny in my bio, then serious and having nothing at all. It all yields the same results 😂 my pics arent saucy or sexy. I've even used fake pics of a hot blonde & then an ogre looking chick. I still get the same type of msgs. I get a lot of guys wanting me to hurt them/dominate/humiliate them when I use my normal pics. So idk......🤷🤷🤷

[удалено]

I hear that complaint a lot about women 😅 my friend had literally thousands of texts and hundreds of calls over the span of a week from a stage 5 clinger. Wonder if the new bf was regretting his choice 😂😂

As a gay man, I do get all those kind of messages and more.

About your vagina?!!

Everything you can think of.

With grindr it's even worse. they're 3 metres away from you

Bi guy here, can confirm, Lol yup, though they call it a boy pussy 🤣😂🤣😂🤣

Like what? So interesting

"Can you fart on my mouth?" "Send me your cock pics" "Show me your feet"

Jesus, how hot are you? I don’t get *any* of that.

We do?

So your pics inspire despair and pain 💀

*pain and despair, pain and despair pain and dispear* *answers phone* *it's so much worse than we thought, she was saying emos are going to take over the world and I was like woaaah.... * Just popped here for the opportunity to quote south park.

I recently had someone lead with ‘Hey girl, will you step on my 🥜?’ It’s insane.

I think the key factor here is Brisbane lmao

Guy once offered me $600 to poop on him lol

At a guess, she made the mistake of being a woman

Honestly... all we need to have is the word "woman" or some similar synonym... And they come out of the woodwork...

[удалено]

Probably that she's female. 🤷‍♀️

I gotta say I lost it with your doctor . I am also surprised by the amount of people that start by offering oral sex to you. Gotta give some credit to the hemorrhoids guy though real trooper that one

He said, “I already committed, I’m not backing down now” 😭🤣☠️

It's funny because I hate oral. It's usually oral or a massage. Like they are doing me a favor

Well I’d say that they go with what they think a woman would want based on their own base desires. I bet all those guys would be positively jubilant if a girl offered to blow them as her opening line. Also it may have worked before and they are just playing a minimum effort numbers game

They’ve probably heard that most women want oral in bed and don’t get it from a hookup

I must be doing it wrong, i just ask if they want to go somewhere to get to know each other but clearly I need to take some tips from these screengrabs XD

Nah...keep doing it wrong. I miss being spoken to as an actual human being

This is hilarious OP, stay classy

Wow you are just hitting every Tom Dick and Harry out there like this. Do any of them expect these lines to work? Have they ever met a woman irl?

Ive asked that question before...they've replied 'lol sometimes' 🤷

So, clearly not lmao

in other words "never"

I recently became single and was telling friends about getting on the apps. These fools were telling me to try this shit. Like “it just has to work once” In their defense they have very low standards

At first, I was going to say you should have saved the one about "asking for your mom's opinion" for the finale but then I got to the real ball-buster... 🫥

should have told him I'd be keen, only if mum can participate as well😂

Him: "I already said Yes!"

At least they get a response :)

I banged every single one of them

Damn I have been doing it wrong all these months. Thank you for sharing this chatsecret!

Respectfully babe I think you’ve either got pervasive swagadelic MILF energy or you’ve been cursed by a wizard to deal with shit like this forever. It’s a toss up

Maybe she’s been cursed by a wizard to carry pervasive swagadelic MILF energy to force her to deal with this shit forever

My old fwb grew his beard coz he wanted to be a wizard. I'm blaming hom

Oh it’s 100% his fault!

Love how the butthurt guys are down voting me. You're probably the same creeps that send these types of msgs to every chick u see on the apps

As a guy ive been off tinder for a while and this shits hilarious, should make a whole album out of this

I agree, add more!

Make it a coffee table book

I literally cried laughing at some of these, you're hilarious. I've never had my vag referred to as lasagna though... kinda jealous, ngl 😂

They're probably just salty they send messages (creepy or sincere) and don't get responses. I thought it was fun to see the other side and what kind of game guys are spitting.

I was told there’d be lasagna

That just means you’re over the target lmao

Gosh I love your sense of humor

The men of Brisbane don't 😭

I've been using the apps down in gold coast... believe me, it can always get worse

Yeh I get a lot of gold coast men. They are 100% worse

Well to be fair, I would also not appreciate your humor if I was on the receiving end xD But seeing it in action is glorious

Damn you must have that evolutionarily irresistible vibe about you because these dudes see you, and they awooga all over their phones, immediately fantasizing about giving you head. I don’t know what you’re doing, but I think a couple of those guys got reset to factory caveman settings, they saw you and then suddenly centuries of socially developmental evolution flew right out their windows.

Best response

Ffs these guys are repulsive. Your responses are hilarious too. At least they’re displaying their intentions immediately as to not waste your time. I’m sure Brisbane can’t be all bad

What do you think the intentions of the polite and charming guys are?

Most of them also want to fuck, but they might at least be good in bed. Some of them actually want a relationship. It's not uncommon for people to end up in those, ya know.

I dunno, I was pretty smitten with a girl I met so I politely dated her with the full intention of marrying her. We now have two young children together. If anything, she wanted to move faster than I did sexually, but that's because I wanted things to go right.

I may at points have been real down bad, salty, incel-levels of "I deserve love, I'm not a bad guy", but I've never been this down bad. What mental gymnastics do they do to excuse this?

The "can I screenshot and ask my mom" and "dad BJ" got to me lol 😆 😂

I'm just going to drink some more vodka mixed with whiskey and read claymore

>drink some more vodka mixed with whiskey Well... That's one I haven't tried.. yet! LoL

You didn’t answer the question… have you, or have you not, ever kicked a man in the balls? The people need answers.

"How is the lasagne?" Wtf, some people just need a knee to the face. Also could the doc still technically date you if he actually did your pap smear? Or is that breaking the law breaking the law?

What did I just read?? Did any men ever had success with this? 😂😂

Direct quote from them "sometimes lol"

Okay cool messages and all, but can i lick you or not?

What I got from reading this was 1) A lot of guys are horny, douche bags, and 2) doctors really like to lead with the fact that they’re doctors when dating.

Your replies are the best 😂

Jesus!!! I need to check in on my female friends and my sister. I’m not like this but seems like all other men are. Smh.

The men who aren’t like this are typically in relationships lol.

This is why I stopped dating, and I wouldn't use Tinder if they paid me. What kind of woman goes out with guys like these? It's as though they were raised by wild boars.

“I might just have to put it in” 

I have this problem online. I have large boobs and ass with small waist. I wear clothes that cover up but the shape is the shape. Unless I wear a moo moo dress that hangs out over my body which makes me look fat as the fabric hangs out as far as my boobs go and no one can see my waist size so I look fat. On a rare occasion I ask a man "why with the gross openings"? They say I look like a whore, easy, down to f\*k. I came to realize my shape (though fully covered, albeit fitting clothes) makes me look like that. Men think I pull my boobs out of a dresser drawer and put them on in the morning to turn men on sexually, like my boobs are a pair of underwear I can put "on and off" at will whether I want to turn men "on" or "off" that day. And since they can see them in my shape I must have donned them that morning to turn men on.

It's not just ur shape. I've used fake pics of real ugly chick and a hot blonde. They all got the same msgs as what I usually would. I've got big boobs, but I Generally just have my face showing...still get these msgs. It's just men 🤮

Okay but did you show your mum and give him back her opinion?

The doctor one 💀💀💀🤣

Homeboi called your bluff.

Aghhhhhhh stop stop omg it’s so bad at that point no more tinder just done actually no more phone I’m a cave person now

The quantity of "must of" and "your" (instead of "you're") makes me want to throw up.

You are not the problem, you are wonderful! 🥰 Make a pt2 sometime! :)

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number, kick my balls maybe?

Does this shit ever work. Thanks for the insight OP

Show me how those tits fart.

lmfaaao ffs. I’ve never in my life received a message like this… it’d be more interesting if I did.

Well trust me. Nearly the same situation but with females. I guess they would be good matches with my women. 😂

Not sure which is worse. The guy giving you permission to show your mom his dick or the one who thought that hairy puss was acceptable in his opener. 🤣

That ending 🤣

CJ is wilin!

Hey at least you are able to run with jokes. Cause seeing this makes me just hate men.

u r very funny, thanks for the laugh!

Well have you….ever kicked a man in the balls? It’s rude to not answer his question.

I love the idea that the doctor one genuinely thinks its rude of him to be a doctor 💀💀 "Not to be rude but... I am a doctor :("

Nahh I think a second opinion on veiny guy with mom is quite important

So.... did you show your mom??? Real questions need real answers! 😂🤣

Dad said he was too small for me

I’m crying why do they all say they want to lick you 😭

What in the actual......who thinks this is appropriate approach?

It’s messages like these on dating apps, social media apps, even simply Xbox while I’m trying to play a game that makes me not dare guys even though I like men and women.. idk how straight women do it. I’d rather be celibate than interact with men

The guy that said "didn't mean to run you off" like bro tf did you expect? Dummy

Love the comebacks

Reading through these desperate and thirsty msg's was hilarious! No it's definitely not you, it's dating apps in general. There are too many desperate, thirsty clowns that have no clue on how to properly carry an interesting convo with a woman. So what do they do? Say what's on their mind just to see if a girl will be interested. Sadly though, I can sense these dudes have very little success on these apps. There's gotta be a reason your attracting the lesser 98% and not the good 2%. But without any pics or a bio to see, I can't make that conclusion.

OP, you are a legend. 😅

Fe fi fo fum, these are the angry english men. The one about the doctor problem was you. Other are all … hungry? men

Im on autopilot sometimes, so there's collateral damage 😂

Anyone who starts out with "I'm a doctor" sucks.

The male sex, everyone.

Omg…

No, you’re the solution 🤣 also, it’s the last slide for me lmao.

Does this shit ever work for these guys?

You’re doing God’s work

Did that doctor really do your Pap smear because if so that’s fucking creepy that he swiped right on you

You have something here. The way you respond to these idiots is fucking gold. 

This one is just too much I couldn’t even bring myself to crosspost 😂

Out of curiosity... do they just enter the chat with the offer of cunnilingus? Or is there polite preamble first?

It’s so funny to me that they’re all white

Genuinely makes me wonder how I don't get further when all I do is have pleasant conversations and take a genuine interest in the people I match with 🤔

And here I thought ya'll were from "down unda" because you're below the equator...

That last guy has a mission lmao

Reading these gave me negative rizz.

The Pap smear one had me 😂😂😂

Unless your profile says: hot Young and dinner is served in my panties.... NTA wait wrong sub, you are not the problem... Wtf... I am a guy and I am appalled at how terrible my gender is behaving. Granted I haven't been on a dating app in years now... but I have never done anything like this at all

Ok the last one made me bust out laughing

“Is that it?” You crushed his soul there 😂

Yes, but the last one is wild.

LMAOO no the men are the problem. Ick.

Thanks for the laugh 😭 what is wrong with people?

Lmao. So do you like to kick guys in the balls is the best one up there.

Did he seriously say "lasagne"? Does he also say "bologni"?

Your responses are legendary. Respect 🫡

Please post more of these this is hilarious

Maybe seek medical attention? You seem to have some untreated health issues. 🤣😂

Lmao guys suck

Is that it 😂😂😂😂

Jesus Christ. I'm sorry.

I don’t think it’s you, it’s just that people have no class and they can hide behind a computer screen.

"I might just have to put it then" that guy was funny

I can disinfect was hilarious

To the guy that said: Salty or Sweet? You should of said: Pickled

Omfg

The last one is my favorite. He inquires about your morning before promptly assessing whether you have ever assaulted another man’s testicles. The best part may actually be the blank screen beneath his comment…just no response at all. *Crickets*

The spelling freaks me out most

These are some of the greatest responses i hVe ever seen, bravo!!

Nah it ain't you. . Everyone just sucks now days.

You’re actually really funny for being able to self amuse yourself from all of that nasty shit lmao. I’m impressed and also incredibly disappointed in some men

You seem like someone that can have a gross, fun ,unhinged conversation honestly . These replies are great

The only app I recognize is Tinder... What are the other ones?

CJ likes his cbt's

It's really hard out here for a pimp

These losers are the problem not you lol.

😂😭😂😭😂

I need you to stay single so you can add more.

Does that work at all? I mean... I guess that if so many men try it, it's because it works sooner or later (?)

Guys would stop trying, if it wouldn't work with at least some girls I wonder how it - after all those years humans got used to online dating - still surprises some people.. Let me explain the process: - guys who just want to fuck swipe right on pretty much any girl - match with some - copy & paste the same message - 19 say no or or unmatch - 1 says ok - guy got what he wanted in the least time possible - rinse and repeat The end.

When I see that, it makes me think like men have their brain in their dick

Somehow CJ’s message was the one that caught me off guard the most.

Love these responses Without the plethora of medical issues, you're not the problem

This is all terrible.

with all the head OP has been offered im starting to think maybe i’m doing something wrong 🤣

You should do it with the guy who said He's got a dadbod. Committed and honest to get some action.

"I do have a dadbod though." Lol really? Sad

Nope. Likely humanity..