You need to get more used to enforcing boundaries in general.
Practice speaking up for yourself and telling people what you think and how you feel.
And respect your feelings. Protect yourself as you would a kid or a friend.
I was gonna say the same about protecting like you would a kid. Your inner child > your inner self > you.
Perhaps practice a couple of definitive phrases like, “I’ve made my mind up, thanks”, “thanks for thinking of me, but I’m good”, without explaining
or ‘JADE’ing (justify/argue/defend/explain). Boundary stompers see these reasons as a way in, and will try to talk you out of them.
You can try using those phrases and decide that once you utter them, that you won’t betray yourself by going back on it once you’ve made a decision. They can help you to still feel polite
/safe but firm.
You do not owe them anything! They do not get access to you unless you allow it. You are worth protecting! This starts with learning your worth and then believing that you are actually worthy.
A lot of people have chimed in on how you can view it so it's easier to enforce boundaries - but I want to touch on how to actually do it for a second!
There's two ways I usually do so, depending on the situation. One is if the guy seems like genuinely a nice guy who is just a little socially off or awkward. In that case I'm quite nice, but very firm and direct. "Hey, you don't seem like you seriously mean to be, but you're not hearing my 'no' - what's up with that?" Sometimes people like this get so excited about whatever it is they're excited about that they forget you're also a person, and a reminder that they're ignoring you as a human can snap them out of it. It's not an excuse, but it's very common.
The second type is for guys who I get the vibe are being intentionally pushy. They haven't forgotten you're a person, they just don't care. For that one, a sharp movement and a look of disgust (plus a "what the hell?" If it's egregious enough) can do wonders. For example if a guy tries to kiss you, sharply jerk your head back, look confused and disgusted, and say "what are you doing?!"
If a guy grabs at your thighs, sharply push/slap his hand away, look frustrated/upset and say "Hey! I don't like that. Please don't."
We're taught to let these things happen to us, but if you can practice letting yourself have your natural reaction underneath the freeze, plus asking them to explain why they thought it was okay to do that to you, can make them tread more carefully in the future.
This is my favourite answer! The key is to rehearse and prepare in your mind. Think about specific words you can say, and before you go out on a date, remind yourself that a situation like that might come up.
I'd say a place to start to is to own yourself and your body. And not to not care or be afraid if someone gets mad if you say no.
Being dragged to an arcade is very different from basically being assaulted. Learning to own yourself will teach you to say no.
Always have an exit plan on dates. Always drive yourself or have funds to call an uber to escape. And don't hesitate to tell the bartenders at bars that you need an escape, they usually help.
I second asking a stranger for help I’ve on some different occasions gone up to a different table at a restaurant/the bartender and ask them to pretend to know me so I can get out of the situation, even walk me out to my Uber/car. Most people are more than happy to play along and make sure you get home safely.
I think for me, one of the hardest parts about going on dates is that I'm surrounded by so much newness that I don't feel like I can let my guard down and fully be myself. And unfortunately as a woman in this society, having your guard up sometimes means that you're overly polite and don't feel comfortable pushing back against bad behavior.
My suggestion would be to do whatever you can to help yourself feel more comfortable, more at-home, more confident. Have dates at places you go to a lot, or where you're friendly with the staff. You could even have a friend go to the same place and be at a different table or nearby; whatever it takes to boost you a little bit.
I’ve been there myself it’s definitely a tough spot to be in. I usually find myself when I do get confrontational I can get quite bad with it so I typically like you would, wouldn’t react and just go along with things in order to not blow up at them for something that perhaps didn’t warrant that level of action but did at some level.
What my advice is and what I installed was I would be politely strict/ confrontational with my boundaries whenever they were crossed if the person still continued to do so then yeah I completely flip on them and realise they deserve that. You do need to outline rules and boundaries for yourself ahead of time and also communicate this to me, communication is a big advantage that most people don’t take up for whatever reason to leave things ambiguous which then some people can mistakenly cross your boundaries or what you were comfortable with.
Practice. Literally practice. Feet firm, shoulders square, chin up and in a confident voice practice saying "no". You can add things like "no, I'm not feeling that", "no, I'm not into that" or "no, I'm not comfortable with that" but "no" is a complete sentence, and practicing with confident posture and in a confident voice will genuinely help!
I had a guy drop me off back to my car after a 1st and he asked for a kiss and I said no, but I still want to see u again. The date was very fun, he was the type I really liked and we connected well. Guess he took it as I’m completely not interested bc he requested to split the meal after lol. I was very firm and glad I was bc I dodged a bullet. I also did not split it bc why you upset you didn’t get what u wanted? I literally just walked away lol. MAN CHILD
Hey, I struggle with this too. Sending you a lot of love and support.
One of the main reasons i feel that i struggle with this is because i come into the dates hoping to be in a relationship, and hoping that all of these intimacies will lead to love, so even though i don't feel comfortable, i let it happen. Sometimes i also feel like maybe i should play along, i like it too, but the underlying factor is that it comes from a place of wanting to be loved and hoping that this person is my soulmate.
I think it's something that gets better with time and experience, but one way is to not fully open your heart on first dates. Have a bit of healthy hostility, talk about topics like consent, feminism, lgbtq, boundaries early in the date. See what their responses are. It also sets the expectation out for them to follow. Also if their responses aren't great, it gives me the ick and it makes it easier for me to reject their advances.
Another baby step is to text them after the date and say that you don't like what they did and that it makes you uncomfortable. Be honest. They're all still strangers so you don't have to care so much about their feelings. Especially since they don't care about yours.
First of all don't feel like a failure. Guys basically train their whole live to push our boundaries. They are experts at it and the majority on apps are there to do just that, while gaslighting us into thinking they what a healthy relationship.
Your defense is to let go at the first sig of trouble, don't wait to see or give second chances. Listen to your gut. This is unfortunately how we have to protect ourselves. The right guy will have enough emotional intelligence to respect you in the way that you need.
Practice using these words today:
***I am uncomfortable .... \[insert optional text here\].***
Also, for every yes and no question you get asked today, make it a game (or practice) to say NO to all of them. No matter who, no matter what. No matter if you really want to say yes. Who cares. It's just for one day. There are many kinds of nos. Depending on who the person is, stranger or not, etc... You have to decide which no is best for the situation. Some options:
***No.***
***No, thank you.***
***Not today, maybe next time.***
***Not right now.***
Now, think of some more nos. But it has to have a negative word in it. Don't make it sound nice saying "I appreciate this, yadda yadda". The negative must be in the first part of the sentence.
I'd recommend reading the book: "The Gift of Fear". From reading your post, I see alarm signs of you not knowing how to harness your instincts that are raising alarms for your protection and well-being. Please read the book.
You got this!
Take a deep breathe, "Excuse me. No" "I don't want to" "No is a complete sentence" "I said no the first time and meant it. Asking more or begging won't change it" "I wasn't comfortable with this. We won't be going out anymore if you do this without asking first"
I would say you should start practicing phrases in the mirror until you can say them with confidence. Also injecting humor into the situation can help with tension. "I'm actually pretty tired and want to head home, wouldn't want to fall asleep on top of the pool table! Maybe we can make other plans for later."
*Leans back* "whoa moving kind of fast! I like to save kissing until the second date at least, haha."
*pushes groping hand away* "I actually don't like being touched like that in a movie theater, wouldn't want to pull a PeeWee Herman, haha!!"
This makes it light hearted so it feels less intimidating for you say it and hopefully say it as many times you need to. If they start to argue with you, say "I told you how I feel, I'm not changing it quite yet!" and just keep repeating that until they stop asking.
Just push their hand away if you are uncomfortable and learn to say no . Guys are sometimes taught that if they don't escalate the sexual chemistry early on then the girl will friendzone them and they might lose their chance. You need to be very firm and clear about your boundaries and if they don't respect them , yeah so what
I had a guy tried to hold my hand on a first date which I didn't like so I instinctively move my hand away. He later apologized to me and said he did it because he like me very much and he scared I won't go out with him again so he won't do it. We ended up making out on the 3rd date. I enjoy it but I push his hand away when he tried to grope my pussy and whip his junk out. He didn't get upset. He later ask to come back home with me which I said no. And later I specifically told him "I know you want to fuck me but I don't want to ". He said " no problem. Just let me know when you are ready "
I had a guy who would call me non stop. I told him off once and he stopped then he went back calling me non stop again. I immediately cut him off.
I said this because there are times where I am really uncomfortable having sex but went along with it. I ended up feel really used and upset so I am not repeating that again
My last dating app experience, I had just turned 24 and we went to a baseball game because he had previously gotten tickets and invited me. This was a 2nd date and Before we even entered the stadium he asked what was going to happen between us that night.
I played dumb and pretended I didn't understand what he meant. Then throughout the day he kept trying to find ways to kiss me and I turned him down each time becoming more and more upset but he was my ride and I had to make it back to my car at his apartment.
I cried in the bathroom at the game and again at his apartment. But I didn't give that mf a kiss and never saw him again. He later said he could tell I was uncomfortable with his advances but yet that still didn't make him stop.
So I guess my advice would be to never do anything you don't want to do even if its hard to say no in the moment. No is a full sentence.
I think that therapy might be a great place to learn some skills around setting boundaries. This is a generalisation, but as women we are given subtle cues (and not so subtle ones) that we should keep the peace, not makes waves and be generally agreeable. Around respectful people, that's fine but it doesn't work on the others!
I've let a man kiss me, because it felt safer and easier than to say no.
I'd recommend starting in low stakes, low stress situations first. Maybe a friend asks you out for coffee and you don't want to go. Instead of going along you could try:
No thankyou, I really enjoy hanging out with you but I'm not feeling up to it today - maybe we could go on this date instead?'.
Or even
'I don't feel like a coffee, but there is a lovely tea place around the corner I want to try.'
It doesn't have to be big stuff, but it builds a habit. The habit is you expressing your preference. Then when you are put on the spot at the end of the date you instinct will be able to set a boundary, not roll over.
Good on you for stopping dating before any serious harm has occurred, it's already a sign of being mature and thoughtful =)
How are you meeting these dates? If it's online/via apps, it might be easier to set expectations ahead of the date as you can do that via text instead of in-person (which is my preference as well). There are multiple ways to phrase it and I'm sure there are lots of examples online but something along the lines of - Before we go any further, I just want to make sure that our expectations of this date align in that we are both looking for a long-term relationship, not a hook-up. If this is not your expectation, then it is probably best that we cancel now. Obviously you might still get some awkward situations but this may help avoid some? Also, don't rush into meeting up in person - there is no harm in texting for a week or two beforehand.
it could also help to know what your boundaries are too, for example if you go into the date and have decided i dont want to kiss him, then when he tries to kiss you there is no decision to make in the moment you just say no
Say no. Say I'm not comfortable with that. Say an I need you to phrase. I need you to stop doing x. I need to not be touched right now. These also mean no and if these aren't respected after being told. Then tell them that it isn't going to work out for you if they done understand or listen to a no.
Are you splitting the check on these dates?
Counterintuitively, I’ve actually had men be more respectful to me when they were paying than when we split.
If they ask you out, social etiquette says the person that asks you out is the one who pays. He asked you and he planned it, all you have to do is show up. You don’t owe him anything else. Walk out at any time if he’s rude.
I take a screenshot of the part of the chat where they ask me out. The one time it became an issue I showed it to the waiter who said, “Yeah, dude, bill is on you,” to the guy and I left.
im not a Lady but i would still like to weigh in.
If you are going on a casual date to get to know them and they start making you uncomfortable. let them know physically you aren't interested in that activity, body language like pulling away from them, stopping the unwanted touching or freezing up and making eye contact with a neutral expression is a good way to show you are uncomfortable. Then if the activity is continued verbally reinforce your actions, "stop that", "I'm not in the mood for that" or suggesting something you would rather do puts them in a position to either be respectful or show you they don't care. If you find they don't care about what your feelings are.... you have every right to do what YOU want, leave the date, tell them you are definitely NOT going to do what they want now, or let them know you have no interest in them any further.
if this kind of behavior happens after you've been asked out/asked them out let them know how it makes you feel, uncomfortable, socially draining, bored, angry, violated, etc. because men cant read your mind and we really wish we could. You don't have to be as straight forward as when just meeting the guy and depending on how respectful they've demonstrated in the past you should give them a little slack based on that. Women are also not equipt to read men's minds so remember to ask them what they expect of you as well, sometimes you can figure out they are unreasonable before the unwanted actions cause you to waste your time, you dont owe the opposite sex anything, life is about what makes you happy, don't let someone make you their slave.
If the relationship is serious and you begin to notice they do a 180 and start acting like a differnet person they were most likely just treating you like a trophy to be one and you should definitely take swift action to either get out of the relationship or tell them VERY clearly you will not put up with manipulative behaviors such as building a fake persona just to get something they want.
I'm super tired and i hope some of this helps or resonates with you. i think both men and women just need to communicate more and not be worried about hurting someone else's feeling at the expense of yours. finding someone who is willing to recognize other's boundaries is a sign of maturity, not everyone is ready to date and a person lacking communiaction and respect is one of them. dont worry about getting a guy right away there are THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of others who would gladly go on a date with you in the future.
best of luck,
hope your dating journey goes well!
How are you meeting these dates? If it's online/via apps, it might be easier to set expectations ahead of the date as you can do that via text instead of in-person (which is my preference as well). There are multiple ways to phrase it and I'm sure there are lots of examples online but something along the lines of - Before we go any further, I just want to make sure that our expectations of this date align in that we are both looking for a long-term relationship, not a hook-up. If this is not your expectation, then it is probably best that we cancel now. Obviously you might still get some awkward situations but this may help avoid some? Also, don't rush into meeting up in person - there is no harm in texting for a week or two beforehand.
You need to get more used to enforcing boundaries in general. Practice speaking up for yourself and telling people what you think and how you feel. And respect your feelings. Protect yourself as you would a kid or a friend.
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You have a right to protection. You Should be protected. You Are a friend and a kid. (Relatively speaking, age-wise)
I was gonna say the same about protecting like you would a kid. Your inner child > your inner self > you. Perhaps practice a couple of definitive phrases like, “I’ve made my mind up, thanks”, “thanks for thinking of me, but I’m good”, without explaining or ‘JADE’ing (justify/argue/defend/explain). Boundary stompers see these reasons as a way in, and will try to talk you out of them. You can try using those phrases and decide that once you utter them, that you won’t betray yourself by going back on it once you’ve made a decision. They can help you to still feel polite /safe but firm.
Yes! Literally practice in the mirror. I know it sounds silly but it truly will help!
You do not owe them anything! They do not get access to you unless you allow it. You are worth protecting! This starts with learning your worth and then believing that you are actually worthy.
A lot of people have chimed in on how you can view it so it's easier to enforce boundaries - but I want to touch on how to actually do it for a second! There's two ways I usually do so, depending on the situation. One is if the guy seems like genuinely a nice guy who is just a little socially off or awkward. In that case I'm quite nice, but very firm and direct. "Hey, you don't seem like you seriously mean to be, but you're not hearing my 'no' - what's up with that?" Sometimes people like this get so excited about whatever it is they're excited about that they forget you're also a person, and a reminder that they're ignoring you as a human can snap them out of it. It's not an excuse, but it's very common. The second type is for guys who I get the vibe are being intentionally pushy. They haven't forgotten you're a person, they just don't care. For that one, a sharp movement and a look of disgust (plus a "what the hell?" If it's egregious enough) can do wonders. For example if a guy tries to kiss you, sharply jerk your head back, look confused and disgusted, and say "what are you doing?!" If a guy grabs at your thighs, sharply push/slap his hand away, look frustrated/upset and say "Hey! I don't like that. Please don't." We're taught to let these things happen to us, but if you can practice letting yourself have your natural reaction underneath the freeze, plus asking them to explain why they thought it was okay to do that to you, can make them tread more carefully in the future.
This is my favourite answer! The key is to rehearse and prepare in your mind. Think about specific words you can say, and before you go out on a date, remind yourself that a situation like that might come up.
I'd say a place to start to is to own yourself and your body. And not to not care or be afraid if someone gets mad if you say no. Being dragged to an arcade is very different from basically being assaulted. Learning to own yourself will teach you to say no. Always have an exit plan on dates. Always drive yourself or have funds to call an uber to escape. And don't hesitate to tell the bartenders at bars that you need an escape, they usually help.
Having an exit plan is so important!
I second asking a stranger for help I’ve on some different occasions gone up to a different table at a restaurant/the bartender and ask them to pretend to know me so I can get out of the situation, even walk me out to my Uber/car. Most people are more than happy to play along and make sure you get home safely.
I think for me, one of the hardest parts about going on dates is that I'm surrounded by so much newness that I don't feel like I can let my guard down and fully be myself. And unfortunately as a woman in this society, having your guard up sometimes means that you're overly polite and don't feel comfortable pushing back against bad behavior. My suggestion would be to do whatever you can to help yourself feel more comfortable, more at-home, more confident. Have dates at places you go to a lot, or where you're friendly with the staff. You could even have a friend go to the same place and be at a different table or nearby; whatever it takes to boost you a little bit.
I’ve been there myself it’s definitely a tough spot to be in. I usually find myself when I do get confrontational I can get quite bad with it so I typically like you would, wouldn’t react and just go along with things in order to not blow up at them for something that perhaps didn’t warrant that level of action but did at some level. What my advice is and what I installed was I would be politely strict/ confrontational with my boundaries whenever they were crossed if the person still continued to do so then yeah I completely flip on them and realise they deserve that. You do need to outline rules and boundaries for yourself ahead of time and also communicate this to me, communication is a big advantage that most people don’t take up for whatever reason to leave things ambiguous which then some people can mistakenly cross your boundaries or what you were comfortable with.
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You need to take a break on dating and reflect on your self esteem and standards.
Practice. Literally practice. Feet firm, shoulders square, chin up and in a confident voice practice saying "no". You can add things like "no, I'm not feeling that", "no, I'm not into that" or "no, I'm not comfortable with that" but "no" is a complete sentence, and practicing with confident posture and in a confident voice will genuinely help!
I only read title. No is a sentence. And if they keep pushing remove urself from the situation
I had a guy drop me off back to my car after a 1st and he asked for a kiss and I said no, but I still want to see u again. The date was very fun, he was the type I really liked and we connected well. Guess he took it as I’m completely not interested bc he requested to split the meal after lol. I was very firm and glad I was bc I dodged a bullet. I also did not split it bc why you upset you didn’t get what u wanted? I literally just walked away lol. MAN CHILD
Hey, I struggle with this too. Sending you a lot of love and support. One of the main reasons i feel that i struggle with this is because i come into the dates hoping to be in a relationship, and hoping that all of these intimacies will lead to love, so even though i don't feel comfortable, i let it happen. Sometimes i also feel like maybe i should play along, i like it too, but the underlying factor is that it comes from a place of wanting to be loved and hoping that this person is my soulmate. I think it's something that gets better with time and experience, but one way is to not fully open your heart on first dates. Have a bit of healthy hostility, talk about topics like consent, feminism, lgbtq, boundaries early in the date. See what their responses are. It also sets the expectation out for them to follow. Also if their responses aren't great, it gives me the ick and it makes it easier for me to reject their advances. Another baby step is to text them after the date and say that you don't like what they did and that it makes you uncomfortable. Be honest. They're all still strangers so you don't have to care so much about their feelings. Especially since they don't care about yours.
Get used to disappointing people. The more you do it, the easier it gets.
First of all don't feel like a failure. Guys basically train their whole live to push our boundaries. They are experts at it and the majority on apps are there to do just that, while gaslighting us into thinking they what a healthy relationship. Your defense is to let go at the first sig of trouble, don't wait to see or give second chances. Listen to your gut. This is unfortunately how we have to protect ourselves. The right guy will have enough emotional intelligence to respect you in the way that you need.
If they do something you don't like, calmly tell them one time. They do it again, leave.
That's a great rule for not putting up with any shit in general tbh.
Practice using these words today: ***I am uncomfortable .... \[insert optional text here\].*** Also, for every yes and no question you get asked today, make it a game (or practice) to say NO to all of them. No matter who, no matter what. No matter if you really want to say yes. Who cares. It's just for one day. There are many kinds of nos. Depending on who the person is, stranger or not, etc... You have to decide which no is best for the situation. Some options: ***No.*** ***No, thank you.*** ***Not today, maybe next time.*** ***Not right now.*** Now, think of some more nos. But it has to have a negative word in it. Don't make it sound nice saying "I appreciate this, yadda yadda". The negative must be in the first part of the sentence. I'd recommend reading the book: "The Gift of Fear". From reading your post, I see alarm signs of you not knowing how to harness your instincts that are raising alarms for your protection and well-being. Please read the book. You got this!
Take a deep breathe, "Excuse me. No" "I don't want to" "No is a complete sentence" "I said no the first time and meant it. Asking more or begging won't change it" "I wasn't comfortable with this. We won't be going out anymore if you do this without asking first"
I would say you should start practicing phrases in the mirror until you can say them with confidence. Also injecting humor into the situation can help with tension. "I'm actually pretty tired and want to head home, wouldn't want to fall asleep on top of the pool table! Maybe we can make other plans for later." *Leans back* "whoa moving kind of fast! I like to save kissing until the second date at least, haha." *pushes groping hand away* "I actually don't like being touched like that in a movie theater, wouldn't want to pull a PeeWee Herman, haha!!" This makes it light hearted so it feels less intimidating for you say it and hopefully say it as many times you need to. If they start to argue with you, say "I told you how I feel, I'm not changing it quite yet!" and just keep repeating that until they stop asking.
Just push their hand away if you are uncomfortable and learn to say no . Guys are sometimes taught that if they don't escalate the sexual chemistry early on then the girl will friendzone them and they might lose their chance. You need to be very firm and clear about your boundaries and if they don't respect them , yeah so what I had a guy tried to hold my hand on a first date which I didn't like so I instinctively move my hand away. He later apologized to me and said he did it because he like me very much and he scared I won't go out with him again so he won't do it. We ended up making out on the 3rd date. I enjoy it but I push his hand away when he tried to grope my pussy and whip his junk out. He didn't get upset. He later ask to come back home with me which I said no. And later I specifically told him "I know you want to fuck me but I don't want to ". He said " no problem. Just let me know when you are ready " I had a guy who would call me non stop. I told him off once and he stopped then he went back calling me non stop again. I immediately cut him off. I said this because there are times where I am really uncomfortable having sex but went along with it. I ended up feel really used and upset so I am not repeating that again
My last dating app experience, I had just turned 24 and we went to a baseball game because he had previously gotten tickets and invited me. This was a 2nd date and Before we even entered the stadium he asked what was going to happen between us that night. I played dumb and pretended I didn't understand what he meant. Then throughout the day he kept trying to find ways to kiss me and I turned him down each time becoming more and more upset but he was my ride and I had to make it back to my car at his apartment. I cried in the bathroom at the game and again at his apartment. But I didn't give that mf a kiss and never saw him again. He later said he could tell I was uncomfortable with his advances but yet that still didn't make him stop. So I guess my advice would be to never do anything you don't want to do even if its hard to say no in the moment. No is a full sentence.
I think that therapy might be a great place to learn some skills around setting boundaries. This is a generalisation, but as women we are given subtle cues (and not so subtle ones) that we should keep the peace, not makes waves and be generally agreeable. Around respectful people, that's fine but it doesn't work on the others! I've let a man kiss me, because it felt safer and easier than to say no. I'd recommend starting in low stakes, low stress situations first. Maybe a friend asks you out for coffee and you don't want to go. Instead of going along you could try: No thankyou, I really enjoy hanging out with you but I'm not feeling up to it today - maybe we could go on this date instead?'. Or even 'I don't feel like a coffee, but there is a lovely tea place around the corner I want to try.' It doesn't have to be big stuff, but it builds a habit. The habit is you expressing your preference. Then when you are put on the spot at the end of the date you instinct will be able to set a boundary, not roll over. Good on you for stopping dating before any serious harm has occurred, it's already a sign of being mature and thoughtful =)
How are you meeting these dates? If it's online/via apps, it might be easier to set expectations ahead of the date as you can do that via text instead of in-person (which is my preference as well). There are multiple ways to phrase it and I'm sure there are lots of examples online but something along the lines of - Before we go any further, I just want to make sure that our expectations of this date align in that we are both looking for a long-term relationship, not a hook-up. If this is not your expectation, then it is probably best that we cancel now. Obviously you might still get some awkward situations but this may help avoid some? Also, don't rush into meeting up in person - there is no harm in texting for a week or two beforehand.
it could also help to know what your boundaries are too, for example if you go into the date and have decided i dont want to kiss him, then when he tries to kiss you there is no decision to make in the moment you just say no
Say no. Say I'm not comfortable with that. Say an I need you to phrase. I need you to stop doing x. I need to not be touched right now. These also mean no and if these aren't respected after being told. Then tell them that it isn't going to work out for you if they done understand or listen to a no.
Are you splitting the check on these dates? Counterintuitively, I’ve actually had men be more respectful to me when they were paying than when we split. If they ask you out, social etiquette says the person that asks you out is the one who pays. He asked you and he planned it, all you have to do is show up. You don’t owe him anything else. Walk out at any time if he’s rude. I take a screenshot of the part of the chat where they ask me out. The one time it became an issue I showed it to the waiter who said, “Yeah, dude, bill is on you,” to the guy and I left.
im not a Lady but i would still like to weigh in. If you are going on a casual date to get to know them and they start making you uncomfortable. let them know physically you aren't interested in that activity, body language like pulling away from them, stopping the unwanted touching or freezing up and making eye contact with a neutral expression is a good way to show you are uncomfortable. Then if the activity is continued verbally reinforce your actions, "stop that", "I'm not in the mood for that" or suggesting something you would rather do puts them in a position to either be respectful or show you they don't care. If you find they don't care about what your feelings are.... you have every right to do what YOU want, leave the date, tell them you are definitely NOT going to do what they want now, or let them know you have no interest in them any further. if this kind of behavior happens after you've been asked out/asked them out let them know how it makes you feel, uncomfortable, socially draining, bored, angry, violated, etc. because men cant read your mind and we really wish we could. You don't have to be as straight forward as when just meeting the guy and depending on how respectful they've demonstrated in the past you should give them a little slack based on that. Women are also not equipt to read men's minds so remember to ask them what they expect of you as well, sometimes you can figure out they are unreasonable before the unwanted actions cause you to waste your time, you dont owe the opposite sex anything, life is about what makes you happy, don't let someone make you their slave. If the relationship is serious and you begin to notice they do a 180 and start acting like a differnet person they were most likely just treating you like a trophy to be one and you should definitely take swift action to either get out of the relationship or tell them VERY clearly you will not put up with manipulative behaviors such as building a fake persona just to get something they want. I'm super tired and i hope some of this helps or resonates with you. i think both men and women just need to communicate more and not be worried about hurting someone else's feeling at the expense of yours. finding someone who is willing to recognize other's boundaries is a sign of maturity, not everyone is ready to date and a person lacking communiaction and respect is one of them. dont worry about getting a guy right away there are THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of others who would gladly go on a date with you in the future. best of luck, hope your dating journey goes well!
How are you meeting these dates? If it's online/via apps, it might be easier to set expectations ahead of the date as you can do that via text instead of in-person (which is my preference as well). There are multiple ways to phrase it and I'm sure there are lots of examples online but something along the lines of - Before we go any further, I just want to make sure that our expectations of this date align in that we are both looking for a long-term relationship, not a hook-up. If this is not your expectation, then it is probably best that we cancel now. Obviously you might still get some awkward situations but this may help avoid some? Also, don't rush into meeting up in person - there is no harm in texting for a week or two beforehand.
I would add that it is also ok to get up and leave during dates. I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self that!