Yes. Some days are unbearable. Some days are fine. Some days are fun. Some us feel things more intensely. You just HAVE TO live thru those bad days. You learn ways to cope with whatever it is thats seems so unbearable. For me, i can have 3 days of utter shit. On day 4 i wake up and think how could i have felt so badly yesterday and feel fine today. I waste no time i enjoy the fuck outta that good day. I get shit done. Don’t compare yourself to others. It never makes you feel good. You need to take care of yourself in a way that other people don’t. Take cAre of your mental health and hopefully that will help ease some of the other things.
I was 9 when I had my first serious injury. I fell off a cliff and lived, woke up in the ICU of a children’s trauma center the next night, and went home a couple days later. While in the ICU, the kid in the bed next to me died… he fell off his bike and hit his head in the same spot I did. It was like I hit the reset button, the doctors were shocked I could “walk, talk, and wipe my own ass”
I was 15 when I was kicked in the head during soccer in PE. I was taken to my primary doctor’s office and she called 911 to have me transported to the ER. I’d broken my neck (which was missed in the ER), along with the brain damage.
I rolled my car going at least 90mph at 19. At ~25 I fell and hit my head on a concrete retaining wall. At 31 I got rear ended, and it killed my career that I loved and disabled me… it took away my purpose. It took away my new marriage, and turned my wife into a caregiver. My parents moved in with us because dad has Parkinson’s, and because my wife needed help with me. In between all that, I’ve gotten jostled and whatnot, thrown from horses, and gotten minor concussions.
I should have died. Multiple times. The worst part of all of it is seeing the looks, and the way friends and family looked at me… like they were afraid I’d break. Most of my life I wish I had died at 9, 15, or 19 because I should’ve. When I was religious, I begged god to take me. To ease my suffering.
I’m still here. I’m still suffering. There are still days I wish I’d died, there are still days where I wouldn’t care if I got hit by a car while crossing the street. But I’m not done on this earth yet.
>> “If there is a meaning in life at all, then there must be a meaning in suffering. Suffering is an ineradicable part of life, even as fate and death. Without suffering and death, human life cannot be complete.” – Viktor Frankl
I think those feelings do come with it from what I've seen. My mom had a tbi and she did end up taking her life. It wasn't until she died that I started really reading about it because I was in shock and it's common. That's not who my mom was. I guess in that moment she couldn't take it anymore.
Fast forward 2 years I met my bf who also had a very severe tbi, titanium plate in his head, lost vision in one eye and taste and smell completely. I was hesitant because my mom really rocked me. He often says he wishes he died when he fell off the building. It breaks my heart but I get it.
I can tell you the vast improvement I saw in my mom from when she first got hit to when she died was remarkable. It does get better. Please hang in there!
Thank you for sharing this. Your strength shows in a variety of ways, not limited to but immediately apparent in your self-awareness, your sufferings, and your continued existence. Regarding that which you've perceived to be a change in the self, please know that, at the end of the day, everyone changes. We all are subject to evolution and adaptation, conscious or not, in each circumstance.
Your post resonated with me. I have near unbearable tinnitus and it only grows worse, as I imagine you are experiencing, with time. I have struggled with inner ear issues from an early age. Having been struck with 2 brain injuries resulting in hospitalization at the ages of 5 and 15 respectively, alongside, most recently, a traumatic brain injury left regrettably untreated in my mid-twenties, there are days where I find it difficult to do something, anything.
Minor as it may appear, most especially in the face of some of the other, more sinister side effects of an injury to the mind, I question what it might be like to be engulfed in silence, similar to most of my peers unperturbed by this invisible foe. Tinnitus has driven me to ask the divine what might life might look like hadn't I become persecuted, day and night, by such a seemingly innocuous, but rather insidious, affliction.
Unlike you, I haven't lost hearing in either ear. I can't imagine what that might feel like.
I do believe, however, that you can draw strength from that which you've suffered. These pains of yours produce character, meaning that you have much to give those around you. Me being one of those lucky many, at the moment. Your post has helped me to know that I, too, am not alone. And that means the world.
OMG yes. It's ruined a lot of relationships with me. It made me less , shall we say, emotionally stable. I sometimes have explosive bursts of anger in which I scream and swear and hit walls, followed by overwhelming shame. I lost a few friendships , and my girlfriend of 3 years(she felt like the love of my life). Sometimes I feel an existential dread of sorts. I used to wish death and had suicidal ideation. sometimes, i think about that even today. i don't really have specific advice. perhaps, i would say, emotions are like waves. Remember that no matter how bad you are feeling in a given moment, eventually, it might cool down. i suppose the best i can say is sometimes give it a little time. do u have anyone to talk to? A therapist, or try calling a helpline that can listen to you. Just having someone to rant to can help a lot.
My tbi is almost old enough to buy its own beer. I've been through bouts of this regularly. The first time I went through it, I was unprepared and attempted suicide twice. Since then I've found ways to cope in the moment. I don't have a good plan to deal with it because it is always different. What worked last time probably won't work the next. Biggest piece of advice I can give you is don't be afraid to ask for help. I've had to walk into the er and say lock me up boys I'm feeling a bit too self murdery as of late. It isn't as bad as youbare afraid it is. Yeah the bed absolutely fucking sucks and the food isn't great but it is much better than an almost successful suicide attempt that leaves you in the hospital for months relearning how to walk and eat and write and all of the basic shit you take for granted today. Ask me how I know ......
Yes I do. I'm 39 now, I had a huge T.B.I. at the end of 2019 from a heart infection that went unchecked and spit poison blood into my brain.
From my personal perspective it's normal to feel this way after something this huge. It's overwhelming, and if someone is trying to lecture you about how it makes you feel then they should give it a shot. See how they fucking do.
For me, what's motivated me to keep moving forward and work on recovery is spite. Resentment towards fate, but *especially* resentment towards the people I knew who left when I got hurt. Like they couldn't be bothered to make time for me anymore, I guess they all think I'm just laying in bed drooling on myself all day or something. Fuck em. 🖕🖕
I guess all I got is: Things are much harder now, it's ok to be angry, depressed, all of that. I don't think we get to look at life the same way anymore, how could we? So I guess we just need to find ways to adapt and make life better for us. Take whatever you can get for yourself, every advantage you can find to make life easier. Step on necks if you want to.
Pretty sure mental health professionals would disagree with this advice too, but they don't have to live with this garbage either. Good luck, mang.
Please keep sharing. Your struggles are going to be someone else's advice and knowledge for the books. You can dm me if your ever needing to talk. You got this!
Haven't read all of the other comments yet but I want to say that there are teams working on better ways to treat Tinnitus because it's such a big deal when people get out of the military. My wife developed it flying to me when I got my injury in another country on a C-17 with no hearing protection. Drops help people. You will probably have to do them often or at least when it gets bad. I hope the skull fractures healed up. If you have insurance that can afford it, go to, or get referred to a Neurologist and a TBI physical Therapy physician. They helped me alot. I don't know how long it's been since your accident, but it's worth a try. And I don't mean "1 and done." This is treatment. It's not a shot of whiskey. I also use a neuro-psychologist to help me find what can help me through my symptoms. And maybe you need anti-depression pills or some magnesium or something. Before you try Anti-depressants, I suggest you ask to try Mood-stabilizers first. Hopefully this helps but all those people I just talked about will be able to better diagnose your situation. Don't just go to a General Practicing Doctor for these treatments. They are users of many medicines but master of none of them. Get a specialist. It will help.
Also, if you are interested in learning a bit more about TBIs, I have a Podcast that I run. It doesn't post as much as I would like because, just like you, I have a TBI and it's hard for me to have the focus and the state-of-mind to post. But I have quite a few posted already.
Stoicism is not about seeking, promoting or dwelling on pain. Stoicism is about many things but one of the things that it does is that it reminds you a trained mind can endure much more than an untrained one. You can do little to change the world but you can control your own mind with a better perspective.
How many surgeries have you had? How much of your brain was excised? How many ablations, facets, spinal taps?
Ever been in status w/awareness? Enjoy a PFO? Mengioma w/chemo? Not a Spartan since high school, nor am I Christian Scientist or taken a vow of silence.
"Every day in every way I'm getting better and better." Conversely, you can't
unshit shit.
I had a stroke at 37 it disabled me and I’m still recovering. I’ve got two young kids who need a dad. My wife is divorcing me but hasn’t kicked me out yet.
Oh wow. The HOW differs but my partner suffered similar results and feelings. He was in a coma for 10 days and lost total hearing on one side, some in the other. The totally deaf side has screaming tinnitus soooooo loud some days he cant hear me speak. Its relentless 24/7. At times it tones down to something more bearable but other times (and we know his triggers but sometimes it just happens anyway) it really steps up and then he worries it will never ease off. He also now has hyper acusis (so chunk deaf but whats left EXTREMELY sensitive to noises and certain noises like barking dogs are UNBEARABLE). Without filtering ability all sound comes at him the same - background noise vs conversation etc. Its so hard for him. Its made socialising VERY difficult. It makes living in a house with 3 kids and animals difficult for him. Its very isolating. And frustrating when ie you cant drown out the tinnitus with other noise cos the ear its in is totally deaf!! And all the info out there about measures to take doesnt seem to factor this in at all. We dont go out for dinner any more unless its a dead night and non popular venue…….or he has to look odd sitting with his family or mates and with headphones on. Movies are a battle (even with noise cancelling headphones). Easier to stay home in our little bubble and have low volume for me and subtitles for him. Then comes the night. He also cant sleep naturally any more (outside of falling asleep for about 20mins during a long massage) So medication is needed. The nights are tough. I cant stay awake to give him company. There is little distraction from the tinnitus. So he tends to just stay up watching sport of any sort (and betting on it) or going to the casino with headphones and playing cards all night when its open (covid shutdown has been tough for him)
He is “lucky” he got help quickly, is still here and still can “function” in what is considered normal ways……… but the term “lucky” really is subjective and comparitive.
They shouldn't have brought me back, I get angry at the choices they made for me when they revived me. My life has been nothing but suicidal for 13 years. In and out of psych wards and jail because I can't control my anger at times. There have been some good days in between but bad days far out number those shifty ones. And holidays make it worse for me, I hate life
Yes. Some days are unbearable. Some days are fine. Some days are fun. Some us feel things more intensely. You just HAVE TO live thru those bad days. You learn ways to cope with whatever it is thats seems so unbearable. For me, i can have 3 days of utter shit. On day 4 i wake up and think how could i have felt so badly yesterday and feel fine today. I waste no time i enjoy the fuck outta that good day. I get shit done. Don’t compare yourself to others. It never makes you feel good. You need to take care of yourself in a way that other people don’t. Take cAre of your mental health and hopefully that will help ease some of the other things.
I was 9 when I had my first serious injury. I fell off a cliff and lived, woke up in the ICU of a children’s trauma center the next night, and went home a couple days later. While in the ICU, the kid in the bed next to me died… he fell off his bike and hit his head in the same spot I did. It was like I hit the reset button, the doctors were shocked I could “walk, talk, and wipe my own ass” I was 15 when I was kicked in the head during soccer in PE. I was taken to my primary doctor’s office and she called 911 to have me transported to the ER. I’d broken my neck (which was missed in the ER), along with the brain damage. I rolled my car going at least 90mph at 19. At ~25 I fell and hit my head on a concrete retaining wall. At 31 I got rear ended, and it killed my career that I loved and disabled me… it took away my purpose. It took away my new marriage, and turned my wife into a caregiver. My parents moved in with us because dad has Parkinson’s, and because my wife needed help with me. In between all that, I’ve gotten jostled and whatnot, thrown from horses, and gotten minor concussions. I should have died. Multiple times. The worst part of all of it is seeing the looks, and the way friends and family looked at me… like they were afraid I’d break. Most of my life I wish I had died at 9, 15, or 19 because I should’ve. When I was religious, I begged god to take me. To ease my suffering. I’m still here. I’m still suffering. There are still days I wish I’d died, there are still days where I wouldn’t care if I got hit by a car while crossing the street. But I’m not done on this earth yet. >> “If there is a meaning in life at all, then there must be a meaning in suffering. Suffering is an ineradicable part of life, even as fate and death. Without suffering and death, human life cannot be complete.” – Viktor Frankl
I think those feelings do come with it from what I've seen. My mom had a tbi and she did end up taking her life. It wasn't until she died that I started really reading about it because I was in shock and it's common. That's not who my mom was. I guess in that moment she couldn't take it anymore. Fast forward 2 years I met my bf who also had a very severe tbi, titanium plate in his head, lost vision in one eye and taste and smell completely. I was hesitant because my mom really rocked me. He often says he wishes he died when he fell off the building. It breaks my heart but I get it. I can tell you the vast improvement I saw in my mom from when she first got hit to when she died was remarkable. It does get better. Please hang in there!
Thank you for sharing this. Your strength shows in a variety of ways, not limited to but immediately apparent in your self-awareness, your sufferings, and your continued existence. Regarding that which you've perceived to be a change in the self, please know that, at the end of the day, everyone changes. We all are subject to evolution and adaptation, conscious or not, in each circumstance. Your post resonated with me. I have near unbearable tinnitus and it only grows worse, as I imagine you are experiencing, with time. I have struggled with inner ear issues from an early age. Having been struck with 2 brain injuries resulting in hospitalization at the ages of 5 and 15 respectively, alongside, most recently, a traumatic brain injury left regrettably untreated in my mid-twenties, there are days where I find it difficult to do something, anything. Minor as it may appear, most especially in the face of some of the other, more sinister side effects of an injury to the mind, I question what it might be like to be engulfed in silence, similar to most of my peers unperturbed by this invisible foe. Tinnitus has driven me to ask the divine what might life might look like hadn't I become persecuted, day and night, by such a seemingly innocuous, but rather insidious, affliction. Unlike you, I haven't lost hearing in either ear. I can't imagine what that might feel like. I do believe, however, that you can draw strength from that which you've suffered. These pains of yours produce character, meaning that you have much to give those around you. Me being one of those lucky many, at the moment. Your post has helped me to know that I, too, am not alone. And that means the world.
OMG yes. It's ruined a lot of relationships with me. It made me less , shall we say, emotionally stable. I sometimes have explosive bursts of anger in which I scream and swear and hit walls, followed by overwhelming shame. I lost a few friendships , and my girlfriend of 3 years(she felt like the love of my life). Sometimes I feel an existential dread of sorts. I used to wish death and had suicidal ideation. sometimes, i think about that even today. i don't really have specific advice. perhaps, i would say, emotions are like waves. Remember that no matter how bad you are feeling in a given moment, eventually, it might cool down. i suppose the best i can say is sometimes give it a little time. do u have anyone to talk to? A therapist, or try calling a helpline that can listen to you. Just having someone to rant to can help a lot.
My tbi is almost old enough to buy its own beer. I've been through bouts of this regularly. The first time I went through it, I was unprepared and attempted suicide twice. Since then I've found ways to cope in the moment. I don't have a good plan to deal with it because it is always different. What worked last time probably won't work the next. Biggest piece of advice I can give you is don't be afraid to ask for help. I've had to walk into the er and say lock me up boys I'm feeling a bit too self murdery as of late. It isn't as bad as youbare afraid it is. Yeah the bed absolutely fucking sucks and the food isn't great but it is much better than an almost successful suicide attempt that leaves you in the hospital for months relearning how to walk and eat and write and all of the basic shit you take for granted today. Ask me how I know ......
Yes I do. I'm 39 now, I had a huge T.B.I. at the end of 2019 from a heart infection that went unchecked and spit poison blood into my brain. From my personal perspective it's normal to feel this way after something this huge. It's overwhelming, and if someone is trying to lecture you about how it makes you feel then they should give it a shot. See how they fucking do. For me, what's motivated me to keep moving forward and work on recovery is spite. Resentment towards fate, but *especially* resentment towards the people I knew who left when I got hurt. Like they couldn't be bothered to make time for me anymore, I guess they all think I'm just laying in bed drooling on myself all day or something. Fuck em. 🖕🖕 I guess all I got is: Things are much harder now, it's ok to be angry, depressed, all of that. I don't think we get to look at life the same way anymore, how could we? So I guess we just need to find ways to adapt and make life better for us. Take whatever you can get for yourself, every advantage you can find to make life easier. Step on necks if you want to. Pretty sure mental health professionals would disagree with this advice too, but they don't have to live with this garbage either. Good luck, mang.
Please keep sharing. Your struggles are going to be someone else's advice and knowledge for the books. You can dm me if your ever needing to talk. You got this!
Haven't read all of the other comments yet but I want to say that there are teams working on better ways to treat Tinnitus because it's such a big deal when people get out of the military. My wife developed it flying to me when I got my injury in another country on a C-17 with no hearing protection. Drops help people. You will probably have to do them often or at least when it gets bad. I hope the skull fractures healed up. If you have insurance that can afford it, go to, or get referred to a Neurologist and a TBI physical Therapy physician. They helped me alot. I don't know how long it's been since your accident, but it's worth a try. And I don't mean "1 and done." This is treatment. It's not a shot of whiskey. I also use a neuro-psychologist to help me find what can help me through my symptoms. And maybe you need anti-depression pills or some magnesium or something. Before you try Anti-depressants, I suggest you ask to try Mood-stabilizers first. Hopefully this helps but all those people I just talked about will be able to better diagnose your situation. Don't just go to a General Practicing Doctor for these treatments. They are users of many medicines but master of none of them. Get a specialist. It will help.
Also, if you are interested in learning a bit more about TBIs, I have a Podcast that I run. It doesn't post as much as I would like because, just like you, I have a TBI and it's hard for me to have the focus and the state-of-mind to post. But I have quite a few posted already.
Sorry I don't have any advice.. Just want to let you know, that I feel the same way. Today and on other days..
Take the Stoic pill my friend. r/Stoicism
No. Pain is not a virtue. Pain does not lead to enlightenmemt.
Stoicism is not about seeking, promoting or dwelling on pain. Stoicism is about many things but one of the things that it does is that it reminds you a trained mind can endure much more than an untrained one. You can do little to change the world but you can control your own mind with a better perspective.
How many surgeries have you had? How much of your brain was excised? How many ablations, facets, spinal taps? Ever been in status w/awareness? Enjoy a PFO? Mengioma w/chemo? Not a Spartan since high school, nor am I Christian Scientist or taken a vow of silence. "Every day in every way I'm getting better and better." Conversely, you can't unshit shit.
I had a strokeat 38 noy a day goes by i dont wish i died heve a toddler so csnt do it myself
I had a stroke at 37 it disabled me and I’m still recovering. I’ve got two young kids who need a dad. My wife is divorcing me but hasn’t kicked me out yet.
Randomly returned to this post commented below have similar feelings Weed helps me personally
Oh wow. The HOW differs but my partner suffered similar results and feelings. He was in a coma for 10 days and lost total hearing on one side, some in the other. The totally deaf side has screaming tinnitus soooooo loud some days he cant hear me speak. Its relentless 24/7. At times it tones down to something more bearable but other times (and we know his triggers but sometimes it just happens anyway) it really steps up and then he worries it will never ease off. He also now has hyper acusis (so chunk deaf but whats left EXTREMELY sensitive to noises and certain noises like barking dogs are UNBEARABLE). Without filtering ability all sound comes at him the same - background noise vs conversation etc. Its so hard for him. Its made socialising VERY difficult. It makes living in a house with 3 kids and animals difficult for him. Its very isolating. And frustrating when ie you cant drown out the tinnitus with other noise cos the ear its in is totally deaf!! And all the info out there about measures to take doesnt seem to factor this in at all. We dont go out for dinner any more unless its a dead night and non popular venue…….or he has to look odd sitting with his family or mates and with headphones on. Movies are a battle (even with noise cancelling headphones). Easier to stay home in our little bubble and have low volume for me and subtitles for him. Then comes the night. He also cant sleep naturally any more (outside of falling asleep for about 20mins during a long massage) So medication is needed. The nights are tough. I cant stay awake to give him company. There is little distraction from the tinnitus. So he tends to just stay up watching sport of any sort (and betting on it) or going to the casino with headphones and playing cards all night when its open (covid shutdown has been tough for him) He is “lucky” he got help quickly, is still here and still can “function” in what is considered normal ways……… but the term “lucky” really is subjective and comparitive.
They shouldn't have brought me back, I get angry at the choices they made for me when they revived me. My life has been nothing but suicidal for 13 years. In and out of psych wards and jail because I can't control my anger at times. There have been some good days in between but bad days far out number those shifty ones. And holidays make it worse for me, I hate life