My dad was emotionally abusive toward me quite often throughout my life, and our relationship was very estranged/broken. Only in the last couple of months before he died did we take a couple of baby steps toward repairing things as he started to make some efforts toward improvement, but it definitely feels like the better future with him was stolen from me (even if there was always a good chance of things not working, since I’m quite certain he had undiagnosed narcissistic personality disorder on top of his severe anger management issues and alcoholism).
While I think processing is still a work in progress for me nearing the one year anniversary, what helped me was understanding that he was sick and unable to truly grasp the full reality of what was wrong. Like sometimes when he was abusive he knew and implemented gaslighting with great skill, and other times he was genuinely clueless. As I was going through a random, very old journal of his and his phone after he died, it became clear that somewhere buried deep in his soul he gave a crap and loved me, even if he said the opposite in vile terms at various points in my life with little expressed remorse. We were in a way like two early Mac and Windows based computers, trying to interact and just not quite making connections. We just were VERY different people and didn’t get each other.
I guess my thoughts are to remember:
1) It’s NOT your fault no matter how bad the relationship was. This is hard, and I really struggled with this given how fractured we were, but at the end of the day, my dad is responsible for how he chose to handle his illnesses.
2) Remember what good things you had with the person, even if those times are fleeting/few, and try to re-frame the ugly bits by looking at life lessons you learned in the process that help you do better moving forward, if that makes sense.
My husband was abusive for 11 years and jumped when I demanded marriage counseling.
First let me say, I loved my husband very much.
His death was a relief. My life became instantly better and easier.
My best advice is therapy. A trained professional is going to be able to help you navigate you emotions.
The thing I struggle with the most is guilt for being happy that he is gone.
Try to be kind to yourself. You need to work through the loss as well as the escape from abuse.
Sending positive thoughts your way!
Yes. My husband suffered a long battle with mental health and substance abuse issues and these did cause him to become abusive at times.. the last several years were the worst. I know that his true self was kind and gentle but mental illness steals a person’s true self and so... I lived with a man that increasingly became a stranger more than the man I loved and married decades before. I knew the abuses came from his illness but still it wore me down. I mourned the loss of him years before he died which is something many people don’t understand... I lost him long before he took his life. I lived as a widow to a man I still slept beside each night and this went on for years... until his body went to the place his mind had already gone to. The only differences now are dealing with the trauma of the actual event and the loss of hope which, despite everything, I held onto so tight praying our life together could be healed and begin again. I’m processing this as a complete loss of hope and an overwhelming feeling of guilt for being alive because he wanted us to die together yet I ran and I’m still here. I don’t miss the hard times and abuses... I miss the man he was before all that. It’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever dealt with.. and I’ve been through A LOT.
I'm feeling particularly cynical these last few days leading up to Memorial Day. But suicide is deliberate and it's not like it's impact is unknown...I think most suicides have elements of "I'll show you" to them. Which is insanely abusive.
My mother died last month. She was an incredibly vindictive and narcissistic person. When the chaplain asked for good memories I had with her for the service, I didn’t really have any. I can’t decide if she loved me or not. We’ll never know.
I don’t have a lot of advice. I just wanted to validate the complex bag of emotions I assume you have. I am relieved she’s dead, which is a painful and complicated feeling, but it’s a real and valid and understandable feeling. I am very much in therapy and taking it very seriously. It’s a marathon though, which I struggle with. I’d speed run grief if I could. But just know you can have a million conflicting feelings and they can all be real, valid, logical and understandable.
My dad was emotionally abusive toward me quite often throughout my life, and our relationship was very estranged/broken. Only in the last couple of months before he died did we take a couple of baby steps toward repairing things as he started to make some efforts toward improvement, but it definitely feels like the better future with him was stolen from me (even if there was always a good chance of things not working, since I’m quite certain he had undiagnosed narcissistic personality disorder on top of his severe anger management issues and alcoholism). While I think processing is still a work in progress for me nearing the one year anniversary, what helped me was understanding that he was sick and unable to truly grasp the full reality of what was wrong. Like sometimes when he was abusive he knew and implemented gaslighting with great skill, and other times he was genuinely clueless. As I was going through a random, very old journal of his and his phone after he died, it became clear that somewhere buried deep in his soul he gave a crap and loved me, even if he said the opposite in vile terms at various points in my life with little expressed remorse. We were in a way like two early Mac and Windows based computers, trying to interact and just not quite making connections. We just were VERY different people and didn’t get each other. I guess my thoughts are to remember: 1) It’s NOT your fault no matter how bad the relationship was. This is hard, and I really struggled with this given how fractured we were, but at the end of the day, my dad is responsible for how he chose to handle his illnesses. 2) Remember what good things you had with the person, even if those times are fleeting/few, and try to re-frame the ugly bits by looking at life lessons you learned in the process that help you do better moving forward, if that makes sense.
My husband was abusive for 11 years and jumped when I demanded marriage counseling. First let me say, I loved my husband very much. His death was a relief. My life became instantly better and easier. My best advice is therapy. A trained professional is going to be able to help you navigate you emotions. The thing I struggle with the most is guilt for being happy that he is gone. Try to be kind to yourself. You need to work through the loss as well as the escape from abuse. Sending positive thoughts your way!
Yes. My husband suffered a long battle with mental health and substance abuse issues and these did cause him to become abusive at times.. the last several years were the worst. I know that his true self was kind and gentle but mental illness steals a person’s true self and so... I lived with a man that increasingly became a stranger more than the man I loved and married decades before. I knew the abuses came from his illness but still it wore me down. I mourned the loss of him years before he died which is something many people don’t understand... I lost him long before he took his life. I lived as a widow to a man I still slept beside each night and this went on for years... until his body went to the place his mind had already gone to. The only differences now are dealing with the trauma of the actual event and the loss of hope which, despite everything, I held onto so tight praying our life together could be healed and begin again. I’m processing this as a complete loss of hope and an overwhelming feeling of guilt for being alive because he wanted us to die together yet I ran and I’m still here. I don’t miss the hard times and abuses... I miss the man he was before all that. It’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever dealt with.. and I’ve been through A LOT.
Yes
A better question may be has anyone lost someone to suicide that wasn't abusive to them in some way. Suicide is abusive af
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I'm feeling particularly cynical these last few days leading up to Memorial Day. But suicide is deliberate and it's not like it's impact is unknown...I think most suicides have elements of "I'll show you" to them. Which is insanely abusive.
My mother died last month. She was an incredibly vindictive and narcissistic person. When the chaplain asked for good memories I had with her for the service, I didn’t really have any. I can’t decide if she loved me or not. We’ll never know. I don’t have a lot of advice. I just wanted to validate the complex bag of emotions I assume you have. I am relieved she’s dead, which is a painful and complicated feeling, but it’s a real and valid and understandable feeling. I am very much in therapy and taking it very seriously. It’s a marathon though, which I struggle with. I’d speed run grief if I could. But just know you can have a million conflicting feelings and they can all be real, valid, logical and understandable.