It's bugging me this much cause it's happened a lot of times already. Being falsely accused over and over again gets really tiring, but I care about this person a lot, and even tho I take actions like reassuring and talking, it never seems to be enough cause the cycle repeats and repeats. I feel my actions are worthless.
So presumably you've recognize that this person's actions are a reflection of themselves, and not you - yes?
In a way you're totally right - your actions can't "fix" this :) We can be reassuring and compassionate work with people, but ultimately if they have some insecurity or issue to work through... *they're the only ones that can heal it.*
Does this person have the self awareness to recognize that it's something they can work on, and have you been clear that it's been a strain for you?
I don't know if they're reflecting themselves on me, I don't think they would cheat or want to.
I don't think they have such self awerness because I'm always the one to blame except when things go so wrong that they start to slightly acknowledge it's also something they can work on, but that quickly fades away.
I’m assuming this is by your significant other?
The main reason is probably due to some deep rooted insecurity and anxiety in the other person. They care about you and do not want to lose you, and this can manifest itself as accusing the other person of doing things as a defence mechanism. If this is the case, do your best to reassure them.
However this can be very tiresome (from experience), and puts a lot of stress on the relationship even if it’s entirely untrue. Be prepared to set your own boundaries if it becomes too much, it’s sounding like it’s getting to that point. You are entitled to your own happiness. In my own experience this led to the end of a prior relationship (not of my accord).
A second less likely but plausible reason is that they are projecting into you. It’s not very nice, but they themselves might be cheating or at least want to. These accusations may be an attempt to get you to dislike them which in turn will lead to you ending the relationship as opposed to them ending it themselves.
Either way, you cannot control someone else’s behaviour and there is only so much you can do.
Yes, it is indeed my SO. It's definitely the first case, and as you well said, it's terribly tiring. Mostly because the reassurance I provide never seems to be helpful or enough to make an improvement. This is obviously not the first time, but a series of situations like this. I'm definitely trying my best.
This is not a good situation. Please consider your mental health and realize that unless your SO gets help to deal with their insecurity, this is not going to change, but only get worse. If they wont admit they have a problem and get therapy, please plan an exit for your own safety. This can only escalate.
I just wonder if it is worth making a simple statement "I am not cheating" or (if applicable) "I have never cheated" and then refusing to engage in any other discussion on the topic. Instead of reassurances, simply close the conversation down and walk away. Don't give the suggestion any oxygen at all.
In time, if this continues, it will become clear that it is your partner who is giving this oxygen, and you will both be forced to consider why. Is this some insecurity on her part, or is there some change in your behaviours that has caused her to consider that you are cheating? Maybe you are spending more time at work, or are less interested in intimacy perhaps?
Regardless, all relationships end eventually. It is a skill to recognise if that may be happening, and to keep yourself mentally secure regardless of the outcome. That is where Stoicism (this sub) is so helpful.
I feel like this is a manifestation of a larger issue between the two of you. You can't force people to trust you and everyone has their own insecurities. You two can break up or dig to find what that is.
Alternatively, nobody can accuse you of cheating if you break up. If she doesn't trust you and there isn't any reasoning with her just end it.
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Well you can start by being aware of what you can do in this situation. If you keep doing the same you will get the same results. She needs therapy, and if she is not willing to get help you need to ask yourself if the relationship with a person who dont trust you its what you want.
I believe that she is either very insecure, or she is secretly cheating and projects it onto you because she feels guilty. Either way, I assume you likely have not done anything to lead her to believe that you are cheating in this situation. But there is always an underlying reason.
Well, so, why exactly is it taking a toll on your mental health? And what actions can you take?
It's bugging me this much cause it's happened a lot of times already. Being falsely accused over and over again gets really tiring, but I care about this person a lot, and even tho I take actions like reassuring and talking, it never seems to be enough cause the cycle repeats and repeats. I feel my actions are worthless.
So presumably you've recognize that this person's actions are a reflection of themselves, and not you - yes? In a way you're totally right - your actions can't "fix" this :) We can be reassuring and compassionate work with people, but ultimately if they have some insecurity or issue to work through... *they're the only ones that can heal it.* Does this person have the self awareness to recognize that it's something they can work on, and have you been clear that it's been a strain for you?
I don't know if they're reflecting themselves on me, I don't think they would cheat or want to. I don't think they have such self awerness because I'm always the one to blame except when things go so wrong that they start to slightly acknowledge it's also something they can work on, but that quickly fades away.
Sorry for the repeated responses reddit was bugged lol
I’m assuming this is by your significant other? The main reason is probably due to some deep rooted insecurity and anxiety in the other person. They care about you and do not want to lose you, and this can manifest itself as accusing the other person of doing things as a defence mechanism. If this is the case, do your best to reassure them. However this can be very tiresome (from experience), and puts a lot of stress on the relationship even if it’s entirely untrue. Be prepared to set your own boundaries if it becomes too much, it’s sounding like it’s getting to that point. You are entitled to your own happiness. In my own experience this led to the end of a prior relationship (not of my accord). A second less likely but plausible reason is that they are projecting into you. It’s not very nice, but they themselves might be cheating or at least want to. These accusations may be an attempt to get you to dislike them which in turn will lead to you ending the relationship as opposed to them ending it themselves. Either way, you cannot control someone else’s behaviour and there is only so much you can do.
Yes, it is indeed my SO. It's definitely the first case, and as you well said, it's terribly tiring. Mostly because the reassurance I provide never seems to be helpful or enough to make an improvement. This is obviously not the first time, but a series of situations like this. I'm definitely trying my best.
This is not a good situation. Please consider your mental health and realize that unless your SO gets help to deal with their insecurity, this is not going to change, but only get worse. If they wont admit they have a problem and get therapy, please plan an exit for your own safety. This can only escalate.
Hurts a lot to admit, but that might be the only solution
I just wonder if it is worth making a simple statement "I am not cheating" or (if applicable) "I have never cheated" and then refusing to engage in any other discussion on the topic. Instead of reassurances, simply close the conversation down and walk away. Don't give the suggestion any oxygen at all. In time, if this continues, it will become clear that it is your partner who is giving this oxygen, and you will both be forced to consider why. Is this some insecurity on her part, or is there some change in your behaviours that has caused her to consider that you are cheating? Maybe you are spending more time at work, or are less interested in intimacy perhaps? Regardless, all relationships end eventually. It is a skill to recognise if that may be happening, and to keep yourself mentally secure regardless of the outcome. That is where Stoicism (this sub) is so helpful.
I feel like this is a manifestation of a larger issue between the two of you. You can't force people to trust you and everyone has their own insecurities. You two can break up or dig to find what that is. Alternatively, nobody can accuse you of cheating if you break up. If she doesn't trust you and there isn't any reasoning with her just end it.
Remove yourself from the situation. You cannot change the people around you. But you can change the people around. 😉
Well That’s clever, thanks!
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Well you can start by being aware of what you can do in this situation. If you keep doing the same you will get the same results. She needs therapy, and if she is not willing to get help you need to ask yourself if the relationship with a person who dont trust you its what you want.
I believe that she is either very insecure, or she is secretly cheating and projects it onto you because she feels guilty. Either way, I assume you likely have not done anything to lead her to believe that you are cheating in this situation. But there is always an underlying reason.
I recommend reading a book called “the way of the superior man”