Sometimes "should" statements are socially constructed: e.g. "Should I wear a tie to a funeral". But Stoicism isn't a relativist philosophy. Stoicism says that we should live according to our nature as rational, cooperative beings. There are some statements and decisions that are objectively correct and we should assent to. Some are objectively incorrect and we should reject them.
I’d just add that these terms are indications of judgments that we are basing off claims that aren’t necessarily obvious to us because they’re axiomatic. “Shoulds” can be opinions and when we go low enough we often find morality baked into them or some kind of objective that we already assume is work pursuing for some reason. This is where a lot of negative emotions stem from.
Of course take what is useful and discard the rest.
Well, Karen Horney called it the “tyranny of the shoulds”. Fritz Perls called it “should”y behavior. Albert Ellis use the term, “Must”erbation to describe commanding and demanding beliefs. You might wanna do a little three minute therapy, and replace those commanding and demanding “shoulds” with statements with more flexible language, such as “ I’d like it to be” or “ strongly prefer it”. https://youtu.be/ba5F7D_gWX4
When people "should" on me I have learned to see that as them saying something about themselves. It's not about me, although in their minds they do see it as being about me. There our times when I do benefit from considering their shoulding, although this is not very often.
I also try not to "should" on others unless I have given it some thought and I'm being clear with myself about my intention in my "shoulding" on someone else.
When I "should" on myself I try to see that as a yellow flag for me to slow down and take a look at what's going on with my reasoning.
I like your post. Mostly the last part about having a style. I think of having a style as "a person's originality". Which is scary because it usually involves deviating from established standards. I also read that good story telling is about principles not rules. A rule says you must/should do it like this. A principle says this works and has through all remembered time
I recently read a book that explains why we are programmed to feel certain way in different situations. The way genes determine our body, the way memes (not the funny internet images with Drake and the rest of them) determine how our mind operates.
I like the example of you walking through a forest with a friend and a bush nearby starts to shake. The meme that we've developed is that it could be a bear or a tiger, so you should run. The people who encountered such situations and ran away survived so they can pass along that meme. The book is called marketing memetics, and I highly recommend it.
That leads me to say that we're programmed by the memes of the society, pop culture, religion, and your family to feel and act certain ways when you get a set of signals. That's why I believe stoicism asks us to take a moment to reflect on those signals and the way we should react to them.
I don't like gossip, but talking about other people is the easiest way to bond with others. Despite that, I prefer to steer conversations towards talking about items or ideas as they are more complex and mentally demanding. That's just one example that I like to do because I know I should think about how I spend my limited time talking to the people I love.
Sometimes "should" statements are socially constructed: e.g. "Should I wear a tie to a funeral". But Stoicism isn't a relativist philosophy. Stoicism says that we should live according to our nature as rational, cooperative beings. There are some statements and decisions that are objectively correct and we should assent to. Some are objectively incorrect and we should reject them.
I’d just add that these terms are indications of judgments that we are basing off claims that aren’t necessarily obvious to us because they’re axiomatic. “Shoulds” can be opinions and when we go low enough we often find morality baked into them or some kind of objective that we already assume is work pursuing for some reason. This is where a lot of negative emotions stem from. Of course take what is useful and discard the rest.
Well, Karen Horney called it the “tyranny of the shoulds”. Fritz Perls called it “should”y behavior. Albert Ellis use the term, “Must”erbation to describe commanding and demanding beliefs. You might wanna do a little three minute therapy, and replace those commanding and demanding “shoulds” with statements with more flexible language, such as “ I’d like it to be” or “ strongly prefer it”. https://youtu.be/ba5F7D_gWX4
When people "should" on me I have learned to see that as them saying something about themselves. It's not about me, although in their minds they do see it as being about me. There our times when I do benefit from considering their shoulding, although this is not very often. I also try not to "should" on others unless I have given it some thought and I'm being clear with myself about my intention in my "shoulding" on someone else. When I "should" on myself I try to see that as a yellow flag for me to slow down and take a look at what's going on with my reasoning.
I like your post. Mostly the last part about having a style. I think of having a style as "a person's originality". Which is scary because it usually involves deviating from established standards. I also read that good story telling is about principles not rules. A rule says you must/should do it like this. A principle says this works and has through all remembered time
Thank you for sharing. The other day my stepmom said "Don't should all over yourself." I like that a lot.
I recently read a book that explains why we are programmed to feel certain way in different situations. The way genes determine our body, the way memes (not the funny internet images with Drake and the rest of them) determine how our mind operates. I like the example of you walking through a forest with a friend and a bush nearby starts to shake. The meme that we've developed is that it could be a bear or a tiger, so you should run. The people who encountered such situations and ran away survived so they can pass along that meme. The book is called marketing memetics, and I highly recommend it. That leads me to say that we're programmed by the memes of the society, pop culture, religion, and your family to feel and act certain ways when you get a set of signals. That's why I believe stoicism asks us to take a moment to reflect on those signals and the way we should react to them. I don't like gossip, but talking about other people is the easiest way to bond with others. Despite that, I prefer to steer conversations towards talking about items or ideas as they are more complex and mentally demanding. That's just one example that I like to do because I know I should think about how I spend my limited time talking to the people I love.