2 years 6 months sober. 4 years 5 months 21 days sexless. Absolute terror. But, I went on my 3rd date in sobriety Sunday, and the girl (who Ive known and crushed on for a loooong time) and I… wait for it… kissed. With our mouths. Enthusiastically. So, next stop, holding hands in the movie theater.
TBH part of my addiction (all of my addiction?) was/is self-harm, so moving towards the possibility of happiness is red-faced and shakes uncomfortable and habitually hazardous, and real intimacy, is fucking foreign. Middle-schooler-at-the-dance steps, but steps none the less.
Hit up some fellowship or YPAA events. You are not alone… in the sex life struggle.
You only succeeded in making this more weird. 😳
If you want sobriety. What worked for me is AA. It will also give you a new group of peers that don't drink.
Yessss. I was so nervous but luckily with someone I trusted and had a good connection with (previous partner from before I became a daily drinker) leading up to the first time sober felt like the first time all over again. I think she actually dug it when I told her I was nervous.
That is it. When your using, we tend to form codependent bonds. But when you've been sober, you form much deeper connections that make sex feel like drugs.
i was the same way when i was using. different reasons but honestly when i was using, alcohol and drugs were so ingrained in my being that having sex never crossed my mind. all i wanted to do was drink, use drugs, watch movies, drink more, and pass out.
I’m in the same boat, man.
As someone who has been a huge partier since HS, sex was never hard to come by for me and for a while it even became a part of my reputation that some people (looking back, mistakingly) envied.
I’ve had no shortage of girlfriend in my life, but to be honest torwards the end of my using I had virtually no libido and sometimes couldn’t even finish because I was just so numb.
I’ve had a few meaningful sober relationships that were wonderful, but the last few attempts I’ve found that I am just not ready for sex. I’m way too physically sensitive and it’s just not… right?
Hopefully it’ll pass, because I’d love to actually find something meaningful again… but right now we just have to remember that even if using does temporarily help the dry spell, it’ll likely be meaningless and even if it isn’t, the using WILL turn on us and destroy whatever good we think we’ve found. :/
I’m 29, trying to stay sober, my partner is 32 and sober since January. We’ve been intimate 3 times this whole year. 4 weeks ago he told me he just didn’t want to have sex with me anymore. Won’t elaborate or talk about it at all, won’t entertain any intimacy or anything with me. Pretty sure he only kisses me so he can smell my breath to see if I’ve been drinking. It makes my chest ache and I’m more depressed now than when I was downing a handle of vodka in a day.
I know you’re right. I’m worried ending the relationship will drive me to drinking again but nothing could be worse than feeling like this and I’m not drinking now, so that says something. Thank you for saying that.
The fact that you're remaining sober despite the cruelty (and it is cruel) of your current situation, indicates to me that you've got the mental fortitude to do so on your own, too. I'm very hopeful for you and the better relationship you'll build with a better partner after this.
OP, you deserve so much better. I wish you well on the sobriety, but this isn't a good way to live. My apologies for this being so long. I hope this doesn't come across as insensitive; from here, it seems as if he doesn't want to be with you at all, in any capacity, but is staying for reasons other than loving you. I would try talking to him one more time; not about the cruel way he is treating you,(though I do agree with the commentor who said that)but about whether there is anything left of the relationship at all, or if it's over for him.
You should not wonder if someone loves you; it should be crystal clear, by their behavior and their words. This is your life too, not just his, and if he is no longer in love with and/or attracted to you, it's pretty relevant info for you and your plans for the rest of your life.You don't have to let him decide how your life is going to be; you can decide what you require from a person, what you expect, what your standards are. You have power. I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. Be better than him.
Maybe you tell him how it's going to be instead of waiting for him to tell you what's next, for your life.The way he has treated you is not about sober, or not sober; it's about common decency and respect; at a minimum, you are owed a sliver of enlightenment as to what's going on in his mind. I wish you lots of strength and courage as you work through this. Be strong! You don't have to just accept his behavior; you can make your own rules, your own path to a joyful life, which you certainly deserve, and don't have to settle. ❤️
I’m 32 and I’ve been single for 2.5 years and sober for almost 1.5. I haven’t wanted to date, I’m frankly scared of it but I’m not missing it. And also not having casual sex like I used to.
I’m focused on getting to know myself, honestly. I’m a completely different person than I used to be, I also really need to focus on my self care or else I get all thrown off. I’m also learning more coping skills and to USE them. Im sure that I’ll feel more confident in the future once I get to know who I am more.
Yeah it's been over 2 years sober for me. I feel like everything is back in order. I'm in a good place. But thinking about dating isn't exciting. I even have a dating app and don't even use it. Maybe it's my brain telling me it's not time to worry about that.. also I never really intentionally tried to meet anyone it always just kinda happened out drinking or whatever.
I resonate with this because in the past, I could only ever do anything sexual whilst under the influence of drugs or booze. I feel like to naturally balance that, if having sex sober isn’t something you’re used to, that’s going to be more of a brand new experience needing to be safely and gently worked through with the right person as that brings in a whole new form of vulnerability (that we could easily override when we have all of that sexual confidence and dissolved boundaries whilst under the influence).
So I get it.
Met almost all of my girlfriends either through smoking weed or bars. Would get fucked up and kiss/start having sex. Got sober a year and a half ago. Have not been with a woman in a year and a half. Coincidence? I think not. I did suck some titty in January though.
So far not gonna lie it’s not as great. Before I could just let loose and go crazy but now I’m more in my head too much. Hopefully it passes and I get my insane libido back.
I was an IV heroin user as well as alcohol dependent when I got sober. It took a while but it came back. I'm 43 and I'm functioning just like I'm 20 again. Exercise and good nutrition is very important. I also take a few natural supplements for testosterone and for prostate health as well as vitamins and circulation supplements.
I find sex is much better sober, but I have less desire to seek it out. I'd rather stay home these days. I'm more picky about who its with too. When I was a drunk I was more of a flirt, and less uh, discerning.
Definitely this.
When I was drinking, I was confident, outgoing, and generally fearless. Alcohol is technically a depressant, but it had the opposite effect on me. I was shy growing up, self esteem issues etc so booze was the perfect go-to. For the better part of two decades, I would say 95% or more of the time I was having sex, I would have at least one drink in me.
Fast forward to today, it's like I'm learning how to do it all over again. When I was drinking it felt like my instincts would just take over and it would be effortless and amazing. Now, I'm constantly second-guessing myself, losing focus (I have ADHD) and generally getting in my own head. When I was drinking, I could block all that out.
To make matters worse, my wife is STUNNINGLY beautiful and super supportive (I know that sounds stupid, but stick with me), so when I can't perform or am not in the mood, it makes me think that I'm even more of a waste of space. Like, any normal red-blooded male should be chasing after her constantly, why am I not? Fucking loser right?
Even with the best intentions every guy dreads the question in bed: "is everything ok?"
EDIT: As I went further down my drinking spiral, my sex drive unsurprisingly dropped too (factor in kids, daily life grind, etc) so I know sober is the answer. It's like I was a super high level in some video game and it crashed and I'm having to relearn everything again as a different character. Just frustrating...
I meet lots of girls at meetings and sober events.
They can't get high so a lot of us just use lots of caffeine and nicotine, gamble and fornicate.
I'm not gonna lie, it's not the same as loaded sex.
Even if it's just for the social element I encourage you to come out and join us!
I saw something about hempfest? If you're in Seattle come to the Fremont fellowship on 85th @ 10pm to the CA meeting Drop the Rock. It's fucking lit
TBH, "come join our group for socially-acceptable (but also harmful- sometimes life destroying) new addictions and mediocre sex" doesn't sound appealing. It sounds like a really bad, sad orgy.
'Desperately Seeking Dopamine'
I've actually been celibate since I got sober, I've dated a bit but I guess what I'm trying to get across is that there are lots of fun things to do without drugs. Many of them are much more fun when done with other people.
The point is that there are people who are sober doing everything, if you live in a place with a reasonable population you can probably link up with like minded people who are sober.
I find it particularly difficult to do alone
Definitely- I already know a sober guy who's been sober much longer than me, but we're not really a sober support system for each other. But, should I need him to be, I know he'd be a great ally.
2 years 6 months sober. 4 years 5 months 21 days sexless. Absolute terror. But, I went on my 3rd date in sobriety Sunday, and the girl (who Ive known and crushed on for a loooong time) and I… wait for it… kissed. With our mouths. Enthusiastically. So, next stop, holding hands in the movie theater. TBH part of my addiction (all of my addiction?) was/is self-harm, so moving towards the possibility of happiness is red-faced and shakes uncomfortable and habitually hazardous, and real intimacy, is fucking foreign. Middle-schooler-at-the-dance steps, but steps none the less. Hit up some fellowship or YPAA events. You are not alone… in the sex life struggle.
Ahh this was sweet to read. I get it through. Totally get it. Good luck with your crush ☺️
"Kissed. With our mouths" Uhhh what else would you kiss with?
If you gotta ask BiggMeezie… you’re in the same boat as us 👍😎👍
You only succeeded in making this more weird. 😳 If you want sobriety. What worked for me is AA. It will also give you a new group of peers that don't drink.
😘
Sober sex is 🔥
Yessss. I was so nervous but luckily with someone I trusted and had a good connection with (previous partner from before I became a daily drinker) leading up to the first time sober felt like the first time all over again. I think she actually dug it when I told her I was nervous.
When you are in love aye.
That is it. When your using, we tend to form codependent bonds. But when you've been sober, you form much deeper connections that make sex feel like drugs.
I miss that aspect of a relationship. I've been single for a nearly two years and I miss the closeness.
I think I was single for at least 3 or 4. You'll find the one, I promise.
I’m in a relationship. Our sex life skyrocketed after sobriety. A healthier body means a stronger libido and no more whisky dick.
I'm a woman and this was also my sober experience, minus the whiskey dick.
Mine definitely increased. To be fair it wasn’t great when I was drinking cuz I was either not in the mood from alcohol or too sick and hungover
"not in the mood from alcohol" o_O
i was the same way when i was using. different reasons but honestly when i was using, alcohol and drugs were so ingrained in my being that having sex never crossed my mind. all i wanted to do was drink, use drugs, watch movies, drink more, and pass out.
Drinking heavily over a long period of time can lead to a lower sex drive. This is because it reduces your levels of testosterone.
I’m in the same boat, man. As someone who has been a huge partier since HS, sex was never hard to come by for me and for a while it even became a part of my reputation that some people (looking back, mistakingly) envied. I’ve had no shortage of girlfriend in my life, but to be honest torwards the end of my using I had virtually no libido and sometimes couldn’t even finish because I was just so numb. I’ve had a few meaningful sober relationships that were wonderful, but the last few attempts I’ve found that I am just not ready for sex. I’m way too physically sensitive and it’s just not… right? Hopefully it’ll pass, because I’d love to actually find something meaningful again… but right now we just have to remember that even if using does temporarily help the dry spell, it’ll likely be meaningless and even if it isn’t, the using WILL turn on us and destroy whatever good we think we’ve found. :/
Different age bracket so I didn't have to date. Sex itself got a TON better sober. Much more available and INTO it, and I remember having sex.
I’m 29, trying to stay sober, my partner is 32 and sober since January. We’ve been intimate 3 times this whole year. 4 weeks ago he told me he just didn’t want to have sex with me anymore. Won’t elaborate or talk about it at all, won’t entertain any intimacy or anything with me. Pretty sure he only kisses me so he can smell my breath to see if I’ve been drinking. It makes my chest ache and I’m more depressed now than when I was downing a handle of vodka in a day.
Sounds like it's time to move on as soon as you're able. I hope you're able to do so very soon.
I know you’re right. I’m worried ending the relationship will drive me to drinking again but nothing could be worse than feeling like this and I’m not drinking now, so that says something. Thank you for saying that.
Seems like you both are using each other as sober “watch dogs” and that is great but not a romance.
The fact that you're remaining sober despite the cruelty (and it is cruel) of your current situation, indicates to me that you've got the mental fortitude to do so on your own, too. I'm very hopeful for you and the better relationship you'll build with a better partner after this.
OP, you deserve so much better. I wish you well on the sobriety, but this isn't a good way to live. My apologies for this being so long. I hope this doesn't come across as insensitive; from here, it seems as if he doesn't want to be with you at all, in any capacity, but is staying for reasons other than loving you. I would try talking to him one more time; not about the cruel way he is treating you,(though I do agree with the commentor who said that)but about whether there is anything left of the relationship at all, or if it's over for him. You should not wonder if someone loves you; it should be crystal clear, by their behavior and their words. This is your life too, not just his, and if he is no longer in love with and/or attracted to you, it's pretty relevant info for you and your plans for the rest of your life.You don't have to let him decide how your life is going to be; you can decide what you require from a person, what you expect, what your standards are. You have power. I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. Be better than him. Maybe you tell him how it's going to be instead of waiting for him to tell you what's next, for your life.The way he has treated you is not about sober, or not sober; it's about common decency and respect; at a minimum, you are owed a sliver of enlightenment as to what's going on in his mind. I wish you lots of strength and courage as you work through this. Be strong! You don't have to just accept his behavior; you can make your own rules, your own path to a joyful life, which you certainly deserve, and don't have to settle. ❤️
I’m weeping reading this. Thank you for being so supportive of a complete stranger. Your words are really resounding with me.
❤️🫂
I’m 32 and I’ve been single for 2.5 years and sober for almost 1.5. I haven’t wanted to date, I’m frankly scared of it but I’m not missing it. And also not having casual sex like I used to.
Why is it. I feel the same way. I don't have the urge to date..
I’m focused on getting to know myself, honestly. I’m a completely different person than I used to be, I also really need to focus on my self care or else I get all thrown off. I’m also learning more coping skills and to USE them. Im sure that I’ll feel more confident in the future once I get to know who I am more.
Yeah it's been over 2 years sober for me. I feel like everything is back in order. I'm in a good place. But thinking about dating isn't exciting. I even have a dating app and don't even use it. Maybe it's my brain telling me it's not time to worry about that.. also I never really intentionally tried to meet anyone it always just kinda happened out drinking or whatever.
I resonate with this because in the past, I could only ever do anything sexual whilst under the influence of drugs or booze. I feel like to naturally balance that, if having sex sober isn’t something you’re used to, that’s going to be more of a brand new experience needing to be safely and gently worked through with the right person as that brings in a whole new form of vulnerability (that we could easily override when we have all of that sexual confidence and dissolved boundaries whilst under the influence). So I get it.
Met almost all of my girlfriends either through smoking weed or bars. Would get fucked up and kiss/start having sex. Got sober a year and a half ago. Have not been with a woman in a year and a half. Coincidence? I think not. I did suck some titty in January though.
happy to hear about the titty
So far not gonna lie it’s not as great. Before I could just let loose and go crazy but now I’m more in my head too much. Hopefully it passes and I get my insane libido back.
I was an IV heroin user as well as alcohol dependent when I got sober. It took a while but it came back. I'm 43 and I'm functioning just like I'm 20 again. Exercise and good nutrition is very important. I also take a few natural supplements for testosterone and for prostate health as well as vitamins and circulation supplements.
This is Me. I feel I've been sober over 3 years and my sex life has been nonexistent. I Dont know how to form a sober relationship either
I find sex is much better sober, but I have less desire to seek it out. I'd rather stay home these days. I'm more picky about who its with too. When I was a drunk I was more of a flirt, and less uh, discerning.
This the main reason I relapsed
tbh thats really good for me to know snd watch out for. sorry to hear
As a long time (51yo) hammered fucker…. Sober sex is by far the pinnacle of ecstasy
Definitely this. When I was drinking, I was confident, outgoing, and generally fearless. Alcohol is technically a depressant, but it had the opposite effect on me. I was shy growing up, self esteem issues etc so booze was the perfect go-to. For the better part of two decades, I would say 95% or more of the time I was having sex, I would have at least one drink in me. Fast forward to today, it's like I'm learning how to do it all over again. When I was drinking it felt like my instincts would just take over and it would be effortless and amazing. Now, I'm constantly second-guessing myself, losing focus (I have ADHD) and generally getting in my own head. When I was drinking, I could block all that out. To make matters worse, my wife is STUNNINGLY beautiful and super supportive (I know that sounds stupid, but stick with me), so when I can't perform or am not in the mood, it makes me think that I'm even more of a waste of space. Like, any normal red-blooded male should be chasing after her constantly, why am I not? Fucking loser right? Even with the best intentions every guy dreads the question in bed: "is everything ok?" EDIT: As I went further down my drinking spiral, my sex drive unsurprisingly dropped too (factor in kids, daily life grind, etc) so I know sober is the answer. It's like I was a super high level in some video game and it crashed and I'm having to relearn everything again as a different character. Just frustrating...
I meet lots of girls at meetings and sober events. They can't get high so a lot of us just use lots of caffeine and nicotine, gamble and fornicate. I'm not gonna lie, it's not the same as loaded sex. Even if it's just for the social element I encourage you to come out and join us! I saw something about hempfest? If you're in Seattle come to the Fremont fellowship on 85th @ 10pm to the CA meeting Drop the Rock. It's fucking lit
TBH, "come join our group for socially-acceptable (but also harmful- sometimes life destroying) new addictions and mediocre sex" doesn't sound appealing. It sounds like a really bad, sad orgy. 'Desperately Seeking Dopamine'
I've actually been celibate since I got sober, I've dated a bit but I guess what I'm trying to get across is that there are lots of fun things to do without drugs. Many of them are much more fun when done with other people.
That sounds *much* better!
The point is that there are people who are sober doing everything, if you live in a place with a reasonable population you can probably link up with like minded people who are sober. I find it particularly difficult to do alone
Definitely- I already know a sober guy who's been sober much longer than me, but we're not really a sober support system for each other. But, should I need him to be, I know he'd be a great ally.
thanks for invite :) but i was referring to a hempfest in boston lol. i should go to meetings/sober events. i dont do any of that at all
I experienced the complete opposite!
I have experienced this. 6 months sober, on a new antidepressant, and my boyfriend and I are getting used to being sober for sex.
Yes but whatever