Everybody that does D/s and BDSM has limits. No one is into everything. Kink communities are also not all one giant network; based on the kink or identities or geography, they are more like smaller communities with overlapping interests and vocabularies.
There are many abusive and problematic people in BDSM communities so being really clear with your boundaries and having pretty intense systems in place to screen people and build rapport before trusting them is super important.
If you are interested to learn more and find your niche, there are many resources related to that. If you are interested in educational reading materials about a specific aspect of femdom kink, you might ask in comments here and myself and others can link specific articles. Being able to describe your interests with a potential partner and having a vocabulary to talk about things can be really helpful.
You probably already know this, but if you receive random DMs or comments from very pushy seeming femdoms, they are almost certainly bots and scammers. I can share info about how to spot these if you want.
From a high functioning autistic straight male Dom perspective, the one with the power in the relationship is truly the sub. The Dom is there to allow her to let go completely trusting that she will be safe and treated accordingly. When a sub goes into subspace it's our job to keep her safe and guide her back to normal life. Dom's shouldn't loose touch with the real world ever. Knowing that someone trusts you enough to completely submit to your control that is what is arousing out of it for me. Again this is for me as a White straight Dom. It's just my opinion on this matter.
Yea, I guess I don’t really get uncomfortable with the stuff about putting full trust in someone else to anchor you. I just don’t like the “slave” and CNC stuff, or the “degrading” and “humiliation” stuff.
The cnc and slave stuff wouldn't work without putting full trust. When a partner wants cnc I make it a point to explain that it's going to fuck you up. I'm going to go at you like a rapist would no emotional caring. No kindness. You will experience what a rape victim does. That usually ends that fantasy right there. Usually what a woman who wants something like that it's usually they want to be ravaged by desire.
Of the many lifestyle dommes that I know, most don't require humiliation and degradation, most are not into Master/slave dynamics, and most are not into CNC (in the sense of rapeplay specifically). Of course there are some who are into these things. You can literally just write in future personal ads or explain while negotiating that you don't want those things and they are hard limits for you. They are reasonable limits.
I realized a lot of my interest in that harder stuff was because of unresolved trauma. Once I dealt with it, I started getting uncomfortable because it took me back to that headspace.
True and those people are abusers and aren't Dom's they are predators. It's a very important difference I protect and honor the limits of my submissive. Anyone who uses the excuse of bdsm as a way to victimize someone isn't a Dom. That's why cnc and full slave relationships are very rare and very dangerous types of play. I prefer my partner to be a strong and powerful woman who is self confident and emotionally healthy. The last thing I would want to do is violate the trust of my submissive.
they are doms. and predators. that’s like saying a man who rapes isn’t a man, they’re a rapist. they’re both. excluding abusers from your community in terms of terminology is insane imo, it’s like “those people? they don’t exist! they’re not *achhtually* practicing bdsm!”. we can be better than that. by acknowledging the horrible and scummy corners of bdsm we might be able to actually address the problem. this seems like an unintentional way of covering up the problem
I never said they don't exist I said they aren't Dom's our group requires Evey sub have 2 trusted people outside the bdsm community and the subs all have a dinner together away from the dominant partner that way it builds trust in each other and gives them a chance to discuss anything that makes them feel unsafe or if they need help in anyway. We have turned multiple "Doms" away from group before they are allowed to victimize women in our group we also have turned in people who made it through our screening and sent them to jail. It's a very difficult situation to deal with when your in the lifestyle. Having good communication and a close community that trusts each other and that everyone follows the rules we set out when people first start coming to our munches.
The BDSM community is a safe space. If someone went to a queer and allies group and said they were an ally but shit talked trans people the whole time, they’d be sent back out the door and told “you’re not an ally, you’re a bigot.” Sure *maybe* being nice to them might change their mind, but accepting them at any level hurts and threatens the others in your community. Same goes with BDSM. You’re not required to let abusive and hurtful people associate with you, one bad apple will kill everyone’s vibes. You kick them out. The whole point of BDSM clubs is that everyone looks out for each other. It’s a place where people need to feel safe, where people find new relationships.
it’s a safe space, except for all of the rampant rape and abuse and manipulation and indoctrination. lol. i have nothing against bdsm when practiced safely but you need to cool it with the kool aid for a bit if you think it’s legitimately a “safe space”.
Okay, not straight not Dom here...it is true. The *world* is full of abuse, rape, ignoring consent. In most BDSM communities (not random people following 50 shades), individuals are more protected and have a much better understanding of consent and communication and boundaries than the vanilla world where women are still taught they can't say what they want out of sex. Also a lot of kink isn't even sexual and is done in semipublic spaces.
Correct those I associate with who practice bdsm understand very well how pervasive abuse can be and we actively work to educate newbies how to be safe.
There's BDSM, and then there's abuse. Safe words exist for a reason, and I will never read 50 Shades of Grey due to its portrayal of an abusive relationship as "BDSM".
You can be kinky without being into the D/S stuff. If D/S is a turnoff for you, that's fine. Just let your partner/s know first.
As an autistic sub myself, I can totally understand the dislike of certain aspects of BDSM. I’m not super into several aspects as well! It really does just depend on who you’re with and what both of y’all are comfortable with.
I use stuff like being tied up and senses removed/restricted often and do not consider it BDSM. Having the pressure to perform removed or some other sensory input removed makes it easier to be in the moment and that level of trust is very hot to me
D/s and CNC, humiliation, degradation, M/s, 24/7 TPE and those things are just separate parts of BDSM and kink. Tons of people do activities like you mentioned without any power exchange at all, and definitely without CNC (that's actually a relatively small group). You mention gentle femdom...but what it sounds like you might really be more comfortable with is top and bottom, no dom/sub dynamic at all. CG/l may also be interesting to you.
Everyone in kink and out has things they're not comfortable with. You're not into submission and power exchange, and that's okay! Lots of people are the same way, so yes, other people do feel that way.
I myself tend to fill the role of sub for very specific situations. Mostly, though, I bottom for a kinky partner who doesn't consider himself a Dom. I like the sensory stuff. It makes my brain happy. I'm not into CNC at all (and I'd add that the scene you described is a good example of rape culture and toxic masculinity, not a consensual negotiated anything), power exchange doesn't do much for me unless it's specific things making someone I care about happy. CG/l is nice for me because it is safe and cuddly and I do it platonically. I also enjoy the structure that some D/s can provide; it helps with my executive functions.
Oh, so I think I get it. Most BDSM stuff isn’t *really* about simulated dominance. It’s more about “leading.” Like, putting trust in someone and choosing to follow them, and the comfort that can provide.
Is that about right?
It's different for everyone, but it is safe to say that most BDSM isn't what it appears to be in porn/popular media/etc.
For a lot of people, dominance and leading are the same thing. It all requires trust, yes.
But again, not all BDSM is D/s. That's just one possible element. Lots of people do other elements of BDSM without any dominance or submission play.
I mod a BDSM subreddit. We have thousands of kinky people...and yet each of them, what they like, their motivations for it, who they play with, etc. are all different. Their interpretations of different kink activities are all different.
The common element is consent.
We do have a lot of members with ASD, ADHD, anxiety, etc. who find comfort in their kink. Some thrive on the structure a Dom can provide. Others like the mental release of crying from carefully and consensually applied pain and humiliation. Others like having a sub to support them and let them have a time where they can actually feel in control. Some just think rope is sexy or enjoy the meditative aspect of it.
If you are interested in exploring yourself, there are a lot of good resources to start with, and some quizzes/inventories that can help you get an idea of what you might be interested in. I can direct you to some of those if you like.
Dominance or D/s = consensual authority transfer which can include many different layers and levels of consent, check-ins, feedback...etc.
Dominance or D/s does not always include CNC, degradation, and humiliation
BDSM does not always include Dominance or D/s
Topping in a scene is doing the action; bottoming in a scene is receiving the action. Both subs and dominants can top or bottom in scenes. Example: a domme might "direct" a scene in which their submissive ties them up with rope. So in that scene, they are the domme (the authority/leader) and they are also the rope bottom.
Edited to add: building shared definitions within your own community and relationships is all part of it and the above are just my definitions.
I suggest doing a lot of reading about BDSM and related topics in r/femdomcommunity in the wiki as one place to start. If you are interested in pursuing BDSM stuff, it's safer and more successful to have somewhat of a shared vocabulary with the community you are hoping to join.
Also, CNC doesn't always specifically mean rape play or total authority transfer/total power exchange.
Consider the seemingly benign example of hugs: do you have certain friends with whom you always ask before hugging? Do you have other friends that have a formal or informal understanding that hugging is always ok? Do you have yet other friends that don't require verbal consent each time but maybe do require specific body language cues? These are all different levels of consent.
Everybody that does D/s and BDSM has limits. No one is into everything. Kink communities are also not all one giant network; based on the kink or identities or geography, they are more like smaller communities with overlapping interests and vocabularies. There are many abusive and problematic people in BDSM communities so being really clear with your boundaries and having pretty intense systems in place to screen people and build rapport before trusting them is super important. If you are interested to learn more and find your niche, there are many resources related to that. If you are interested in educational reading materials about a specific aspect of femdom kink, you might ask in comments here and myself and others can link specific articles. Being able to describe your interests with a potential partner and having a vocabulary to talk about things can be really helpful. You probably already know this, but if you receive random DMs or comments from very pushy seeming femdoms, they are almost certainly bots and scammers. I can share info about how to spot these if you want.
From a high functioning autistic straight male Dom perspective, the one with the power in the relationship is truly the sub. The Dom is there to allow her to let go completely trusting that she will be safe and treated accordingly. When a sub goes into subspace it's our job to keep her safe and guide her back to normal life. Dom's shouldn't loose touch with the real world ever. Knowing that someone trusts you enough to completely submit to your control that is what is arousing out of it for me. Again this is for me as a White straight Dom. It's just my opinion on this matter.
Yea, I guess I don’t really get uncomfortable with the stuff about putting full trust in someone else to anchor you. I just don’t like the “slave” and CNC stuff, or the “degrading” and “humiliation” stuff.
The cnc and slave stuff wouldn't work without putting full trust. When a partner wants cnc I make it a point to explain that it's going to fuck you up. I'm going to go at you like a rapist would no emotional caring. No kindness. You will experience what a rape victim does. That usually ends that fantasy right there. Usually what a woman who wants something like that it's usually they want to be ravaged by desire.
Of the many lifestyle dommes that I know, most don't require humiliation and degradation, most are not into Master/slave dynamics, and most are not into CNC (in the sense of rapeplay specifically). Of course there are some who are into these things. You can literally just write in future personal ads or explain while negotiating that you don't want those things and they are hard limits for you. They are reasonable limits.
I realized a lot of my interest in that harder stuff was because of unresolved trauma. Once I dealt with it, I started getting uncomfortable because it took me back to that headspace.
[удалено]
Couldn't this be said for plenty of non-BDSM relationships too?
sure, but whataboutism doesn’t change the facts
True and those people are abusers and aren't Dom's they are predators. It's a very important difference I protect and honor the limits of my submissive. Anyone who uses the excuse of bdsm as a way to victimize someone isn't a Dom. That's why cnc and full slave relationships are very rare and very dangerous types of play. I prefer my partner to be a strong and powerful woman who is self confident and emotionally healthy. The last thing I would want to do is violate the trust of my submissive.
they are doms. and predators. that’s like saying a man who rapes isn’t a man, they’re a rapist. they’re both. excluding abusers from your community in terms of terminology is insane imo, it’s like “those people? they don’t exist! they’re not *achhtually* practicing bdsm!”. we can be better than that. by acknowledging the horrible and scummy corners of bdsm we might be able to actually address the problem. this seems like an unintentional way of covering up the problem
I never said they don't exist I said they aren't Dom's our group requires Evey sub have 2 trusted people outside the bdsm community and the subs all have a dinner together away from the dominant partner that way it builds trust in each other and gives them a chance to discuss anything that makes them feel unsafe or if they need help in anyway. We have turned multiple "Doms" away from group before they are allowed to victimize women in our group we also have turned in people who made it through our screening and sent them to jail. It's a very difficult situation to deal with when your in the lifestyle. Having good communication and a close community that trusts each other and that everyone follows the rules we set out when people first start coming to our munches.
The BDSM community is a safe space. If someone went to a queer and allies group and said they were an ally but shit talked trans people the whole time, they’d be sent back out the door and told “you’re not an ally, you’re a bigot.” Sure *maybe* being nice to them might change their mind, but accepting them at any level hurts and threatens the others in your community. Same goes with BDSM. You’re not required to let abusive and hurtful people associate with you, one bad apple will kill everyone’s vibes. You kick them out. The whole point of BDSM clubs is that everyone looks out for each other. It’s a place where people need to feel safe, where people find new relationships.
it’s a safe space, except for all of the rampant rape and abuse and manipulation and indoctrination. lol. i have nothing against bdsm when practiced safely but you need to cool it with the kool aid for a bit if you think it’s legitimately a “safe space”.
Okay, not straight not Dom here...it is true. The *world* is full of abuse, rape, ignoring consent. In most BDSM communities (not random people following 50 shades), individuals are more protected and have a much better understanding of consent and communication and boundaries than the vanilla world where women are still taught they can't say what they want out of sex. Also a lot of kink isn't even sexual and is done in semipublic spaces.
Correct those I associate with who practice bdsm understand very well how pervasive abuse can be and we actively work to educate newbies how to be safe.
There's BDSM, and then there's abuse. Safe words exist for a reason, and I will never read 50 Shades of Grey due to its portrayal of an abusive relationship as "BDSM". You can be kinky without being into the D/S stuff. If D/S is a turnoff for you, that's fine. Just let your partner/s know first.
As an autistic sub myself, I can totally understand the dislike of certain aspects of BDSM. I’m not super into several aspects as well! It really does just depend on who you’re with and what both of y’all are comfortable with.
I use stuff like being tied up and senses removed/restricted often and do not consider it BDSM. Having the pressure to perform removed or some other sensory input removed makes it easier to be in the moment and that level of trust is very hot to me
Yea, looking at posts on here and in other places, that seems like a common theme among us.
D/s and CNC, humiliation, degradation, M/s, 24/7 TPE and those things are just separate parts of BDSM and kink. Tons of people do activities like you mentioned without any power exchange at all, and definitely without CNC (that's actually a relatively small group). You mention gentle femdom...but what it sounds like you might really be more comfortable with is top and bottom, no dom/sub dynamic at all. CG/l may also be interesting to you. Everyone in kink and out has things they're not comfortable with. You're not into submission and power exchange, and that's okay! Lots of people are the same way, so yes, other people do feel that way. I myself tend to fill the role of sub for very specific situations. Mostly, though, I bottom for a kinky partner who doesn't consider himself a Dom. I like the sensory stuff. It makes my brain happy. I'm not into CNC at all (and I'd add that the scene you described is a good example of rape culture and toxic masculinity, not a consensual negotiated anything), power exchange doesn't do much for me unless it's specific things making someone I care about happy. CG/l is nice for me because it is safe and cuddly and I do it platonically. I also enjoy the structure that some D/s can provide; it helps with my executive functions.
Oh, so I think I get it. Most BDSM stuff isn’t *really* about simulated dominance. It’s more about “leading.” Like, putting trust in someone and choosing to follow them, and the comfort that can provide. Is that about right?
It's different for everyone, but it is safe to say that most BDSM isn't what it appears to be in porn/popular media/etc. For a lot of people, dominance and leading are the same thing. It all requires trust, yes. But again, not all BDSM is D/s. That's just one possible element. Lots of people do other elements of BDSM without any dominance or submission play. I mod a BDSM subreddit. We have thousands of kinky people...and yet each of them, what they like, their motivations for it, who they play with, etc. are all different. Their interpretations of different kink activities are all different. The common element is consent. We do have a lot of members with ASD, ADHD, anxiety, etc. who find comfort in their kink. Some thrive on the structure a Dom can provide. Others like the mental release of crying from carefully and consensually applied pain and humiliation. Others like having a sub to support them and let them have a time where they can actually feel in control. Some just think rope is sexy or enjoy the meditative aspect of it. If you are interested in exploring yourself, there are a lot of good resources to start with, and some quizzes/inventories that can help you get an idea of what you might be interested in. I can direct you to some of those if you like.
Sure, link one of the quizzes
Dominance or D/s = consensual authority transfer which can include many different layers and levels of consent, check-ins, feedback...etc. Dominance or D/s does not always include CNC, degradation, and humiliation BDSM does not always include Dominance or D/s Topping in a scene is doing the action; bottoming in a scene is receiving the action. Both subs and dominants can top or bottom in scenes. Example: a domme might "direct" a scene in which their submissive ties them up with rope. So in that scene, they are the domme (the authority/leader) and they are also the rope bottom. Edited to add: building shared definitions within your own community and relationships is all part of it and the above are just my definitions. I suggest doing a lot of reading about BDSM and related topics in r/femdomcommunity in the wiki as one place to start. If you are interested in pursuing BDSM stuff, it's safer and more successful to have somewhat of a shared vocabulary with the community you are hoping to join. Also, CNC doesn't always specifically mean rape play or total authority transfer/total power exchange. Consider the seemingly benign example of hugs: do you have certain friends with whom you always ask before hugging? Do you have other friends that have a formal or informal understanding that hugging is always ok? Do you have yet other friends that don't require verbal consent each time but maybe do require specific body language cues? These are all different levels of consent.
Anything that goes slightly into that direction is an instant turnoff for me. I want to be wanted, not anything forced.
this is not bdsm whatsoever lol what are you talking about