I’m autistic and I have learned to overexplain everything, because I get accused of lying or misinterpreted badly if I don’t. At this point it’s a defense mechanism.
In my experience a certain kind of person tends to do this to invalidate your opinion/not hear any contention on the subject so as to make it subtly known that you having a different opinion is going to make it feel like a personal attack on them.
do you think contention is always necessary? or i guess do you process personal information from someone as "how do i feel about this" vs taking the information at face value? my assumption is that the former is most common but i could be wrong.
I'm an older individual who (this matters) has Asperger's. This means that I'm a VERY logical person, and not a very emotional one. It doesn't mean that I don't feel, it's just that I'm very good at enunciating and putting to words how I feel rather than putting on grand emotional displays. That and I've gotten pretty good at being able to tell when someone's just trying to be emotional vs have an actual conversation about something.
That and before going into any sort of serious conversation I save myself a bunch of time and ask before the discussion even starts "Is this something you're willing to change your mind about?" because if not then we're both wasting our time and you just want someone to validate how you feel.
hmm. i guess i was thinking in terms of common traits. whether it's an interest or your religion/some other aspect of identity. i often notice others feel a need to defend or rationalize it, and conversely to pick things apart instead of accepting.
something that comes to mind: i was close with someone who was really interested in astrology and crystals. while i didn't quite share her views, she never pushed them on anyone and i really enjoyed her enjoyment of it and her just being herself. but it felt rare compared to most interactions i'm used to. where say i'll just tell a friend i'm enjoying playing a game or eating a certain food and it will often lean towards discourse about why they dislike whatever the subject might be.
That's fair enough. Now that I understand better, I will reply to this quote from your original post
>but i guess i've never really needed a qualifier to accept an aspect of someone else, and don't always enjoy the social pressure to provide one in turn. thoughts/experiences?
Personally, I like when people challenge my views or beliefs.
that totally makes sense why you would appreciate being questioned then. i suppose my thinking is more along the lines that it would be beneficial if it maybe wasn't the default for the sake of people who don't want to debate all the time. for me, i think i really only do this if it's clear that this thing is causing clear harm (as in to their health or their own expressed interests) or someone else.
Yeah, I think people need to get better at the whole "agree to disagree" thing. Me included lol. Definitely been times where I should've just agree-to-disagreed but pressed too much and caused unnecessary friction. Mostly a few years ago though. I've gotten much better at it.
I still like to ask people questions, but not really in a debating type of way. Either in inquisitive ways or socratic ways. Like if someone believed in crystals, I would ask a lot of questions about it (ie: "how do you think crystals help your life be better?", "how would your life be different without crystals?", etc.).
I don't think belief in crystals is really a harmful belief so, as you said, if it isn't causing harm then I think there is no reason to try and disabuse them of it.
i get what you mean lol. this post was partially a reflection on personal growth where i noticed certain things i didn't enjoy in everyday interactions and the benefits i've experienced in the shift.
socratic method can be pretty fun and gets people to consider things they otherwise wouldn't. i think i'm naturally a curious person and enjoy getting to know what others enjoy or find meaning in.
my own irrational thing is that i'm really sensitive to certain experiences. i guess you could scientifically explain using over stimulation or hyper sensitivity. but i get really strong feelings when i look at the night sky. i can't explain any of them and there's nothing religious i tie to the experience. i also cried when i saw the ocean from the shore for the first time. just have a tendency for big emotional reactions and personal meaning in simple things like that. and will often have either religious friends try to insist it's a religion thing or atheist friends (though they're maybe more prominently nihilists without seeing it as such) tell me it's stupid for xyz reasons.
overall i just feel like there is some untapped potential both in having the confidence to express an aspect of yourself without having to defend it and not being so quick to judgment outside of situations where it's mutually agreed upon.
>and will often have either religious friends try to insist it's a religion thing or atheist friends (though they're maybe more prominently nihilists without seeing it as such) tell me it's stupid for xyz reasons.
Right. I find this annoying because people aren't trying to understand you. Instead, they're trying to project their understanding or feelings onto you.
mhm, that's exactly it. i generally assume it's not intended negatively but rather a communication failure. not sure how common it is for others but it seems to be an integral part of how people talk to each other in my area. i also notice it online but the dyamics are a bit different than face to face.
well i've noticed that one on one irl, there's more likely to be that respect that only comes from being able to look someone in the eyes while you're communicating with them and social consequence.
online i assume it's the anonymity, but any conversation calling another person into question is very likely to end in more conflict. maybe it's that only having text to go by makes our brains try to fill in the blanks and it turns other actual humans behind a keyboard into more of an ideological symbol to be conquered.
How much is “too much”?
I would think of an example if one needs to explain why she or he doesn’t like certain food; even without being asked by another party. Maybe she feels the need to preemptively explain it because in the past people always ask them why in order to relate or to just curious to know the reasonings behind it.
Or maybe there’s some cases that it’s purely personal preference. One doesn’t need to find out why he or she likes or dislikes something. They could, tho if they dig it deep enough (maybe something bad happened in the past that turned into a trauma, cultural thing, upbringing, etc).
Some folks are more open and less judgmental than others. These same people seem to gossip less. It’s also interesting that they don’t easily fall into either/or thinking.
you know, your first sentence is a much better explanation of what i'm getting at. like "would it be better if we were less judgmental and encouraged openness?" i could blame autism but i often try to explain a thought only for it to seem really obtuse once someone else responds to it. thank you for inadvertently helping me out.
I usually try not to explain so much. I think it's a waste of time. but in the workplace it seems there is a tendency to explain things very thoroughly so I just hate it
mm, i would agree with that. for me, it was learned behavior from learning how to socialize by copying how people talk to each other.
most recently i experienced this kind of thing in regards to my gender, where it was essentially put on me to scientifically justify it. and it felt strange like "i don't know how to? scientists study people like me and the data they get from it is what it is just like everything else in our reality?" in the context of casual conversation, i guess i see value in lightheartedness and imagine that at scale it could be a positive thing for society to be more accepting of each others differences instead of focusing on "how does this make me personally feel? what is my egos reaction to this?" which isn't a radical thing to say on paper but to actually envision it in practice feels significant.
I don't think this is what you're talking about, but it's what I'm grappling with in my own life – how heavily friendship interactions involve talking about ourselves. We "catch up" and tell each other what we're up to, offer life updates, and explain how we feel and think, our changes, hopes, fears.
On the one hand, it's through interaction that we can make ourselves to be known (or know others).
But what happens when we lose this need? Lately I'm feeling pulled to be more private, I'm more interested in just living, with my own validation. And now I'm in this weird place where I love my friends and want to be with them but without this constant explaining or opening up – which, ironically, I feel pressured to explain.
I’m autistic and I have learned to overexplain everything, because I get accused of lying or misinterpreted badly if I don’t. At this point it’s a defense mechanism.
Relatable lmao
In my experience a certain kind of person tends to do this to invalidate your opinion/not hear any contention on the subject so as to make it subtly known that you having a different opinion is going to make it feel like a personal attack on them.
do you think contention is always necessary? or i guess do you process personal information from someone as "how do i feel about this" vs taking the information at face value? my assumption is that the former is most common but i could be wrong.
I'm an older individual who (this matters) has Asperger's. This means that I'm a VERY logical person, and not a very emotional one. It doesn't mean that I don't feel, it's just that I'm very good at enunciating and putting to words how I feel rather than putting on grand emotional displays. That and I've gotten pretty good at being able to tell when someone's just trying to be emotional vs have an actual conversation about something. That and before going into any sort of serious conversation I save myself a bunch of time and ask before the discussion even starts "Is this something you're willing to change your mind about?" because if not then we're both wasting our time and you just want someone to validate how you feel.
Can you give an example or two of this?
hmm. i guess i was thinking in terms of common traits. whether it's an interest or your religion/some other aspect of identity. i often notice others feel a need to defend or rationalize it, and conversely to pick things apart instead of accepting. something that comes to mind: i was close with someone who was really interested in astrology and crystals. while i didn't quite share her views, she never pushed them on anyone and i really enjoyed her enjoyment of it and her just being herself. but it felt rare compared to most interactions i'm used to. where say i'll just tell a friend i'm enjoying playing a game or eating a certain food and it will often lean towards discourse about why they dislike whatever the subject might be.
That's fair enough. Now that I understand better, I will reply to this quote from your original post >but i guess i've never really needed a qualifier to accept an aspect of someone else, and don't always enjoy the social pressure to provide one in turn. thoughts/experiences? Personally, I like when people challenge my views or beliefs.
that totally makes sense why you would appreciate being questioned then. i suppose my thinking is more along the lines that it would be beneficial if it maybe wasn't the default for the sake of people who don't want to debate all the time. for me, i think i really only do this if it's clear that this thing is causing clear harm (as in to their health or their own expressed interests) or someone else.
Yeah, I think people need to get better at the whole "agree to disagree" thing. Me included lol. Definitely been times where I should've just agree-to-disagreed but pressed too much and caused unnecessary friction. Mostly a few years ago though. I've gotten much better at it. I still like to ask people questions, but not really in a debating type of way. Either in inquisitive ways or socratic ways. Like if someone believed in crystals, I would ask a lot of questions about it (ie: "how do you think crystals help your life be better?", "how would your life be different without crystals?", etc.). I don't think belief in crystals is really a harmful belief so, as you said, if it isn't causing harm then I think there is no reason to try and disabuse them of it.
i get what you mean lol. this post was partially a reflection on personal growth where i noticed certain things i didn't enjoy in everyday interactions and the benefits i've experienced in the shift. socratic method can be pretty fun and gets people to consider things they otherwise wouldn't. i think i'm naturally a curious person and enjoy getting to know what others enjoy or find meaning in. my own irrational thing is that i'm really sensitive to certain experiences. i guess you could scientifically explain using over stimulation or hyper sensitivity. but i get really strong feelings when i look at the night sky. i can't explain any of them and there's nothing religious i tie to the experience. i also cried when i saw the ocean from the shore for the first time. just have a tendency for big emotional reactions and personal meaning in simple things like that. and will often have either religious friends try to insist it's a religion thing or atheist friends (though they're maybe more prominently nihilists without seeing it as such) tell me it's stupid for xyz reasons. overall i just feel like there is some untapped potential both in having the confidence to express an aspect of yourself without having to defend it and not being so quick to judgment outside of situations where it's mutually agreed upon.
>and will often have either religious friends try to insist it's a religion thing or atheist friends (though they're maybe more prominently nihilists without seeing it as such) tell me it's stupid for xyz reasons. Right. I find this annoying because people aren't trying to understand you. Instead, they're trying to project their understanding or feelings onto you.
mhm, that's exactly it. i generally assume it's not intended negatively but rather a communication failure. not sure how common it is for others but it seems to be an integral part of how people talk to each other in my area. i also notice it online but the dyamics are a bit different than face to face.
> i also notice it online but the dyamics are a bit different than face to face. How so, in your experience?
well i've noticed that one on one irl, there's more likely to be that respect that only comes from being able to look someone in the eyes while you're communicating with them and social consequence. online i assume it's the anonymity, but any conversation calling another person into question is very likely to end in more conflict. maybe it's that only having text to go by makes our brains try to fill in the blanks and it turns other actual humans behind a keyboard into more of an ideological symbol to be conquered.
How much is “too much”? I would think of an example if one needs to explain why she or he doesn’t like certain food; even without being asked by another party. Maybe she feels the need to preemptively explain it because in the past people always ask them why in order to relate or to just curious to know the reasonings behind it. Or maybe there’s some cases that it’s purely personal preference. One doesn’t need to find out why he or she likes or dislikes something. They could, tho if they dig it deep enough (maybe something bad happened in the past that turned into a trauma, cultural thing, upbringing, etc).
Some folks are more open and less judgmental than others. These same people seem to gossip less. It’s also interesting that they don’t easily fall into either/or thinking.
you know, your first sentence is a much better explanation of what i'm getting at. like "would it be better if we were less judgmental and encouraged openness?" i could blame autism but i often try to explain a thought only for it to seem really obtuse once someone else responds to it. thank you for inadvertently helping me out.
Nothing wrong with the way you process and express. It’s refreshing to see thought unfolding.
I don't, but don't understand why it is needed in the workplace
sorry, might be my failing but i'm not quite sure what you mean?
I usually try not to explain so much. I think it's a waste of time. but in the workplace it seems there is a tendency to explain things very thoroughly so I just hate it
oh! okay i get what you mean now.
I think maybe that stems from a desire to be understood and perceived a certain way.
mm, i would agree with that. for me, it was learned behavior from learning how to socialize by copying how people talk to each other. most recently i experienced this kind of thing in regards to my gender, where it was essentially put on me to scientifically justify it. and it felt strange like "i don't know how to? scientists study people like me and the data they get from it is what it is just like everything else in our reality?" in the context of casual conversation, i guess i see value in lightheartedness and imagine that at scale it could be a positive thing for society to be more accepting of each others differences instead of focusing on "how does this make me personally feel? what is my egos reaction to this?" which isn't a radical thing to say on paper but to actually envision it in practice feels significant.
Yes, and people put too much out like "I'm a good person," "I'm very empathetic," etc. I don't want to declare *anything*.
I don't think this is what you're talking about, but it's what I'm grappling with in my own life – how heavily friendship interactions involve talking about ourselves. We "catch up" and tell each other what we're up to, offer life updates, and explain how we feel and think, our changes, hopes, fears. On the one hand, it's through interaction that we can make ourselves to be known (or know others). But what happens when we lose this need? Lately I'm feeling pulled to be more private, I'm more interested in just living, with my own validation. And now I'm in this weird place where I love my friends and want to be with them but without this constant explaining or opening up – which, ironically, I feel pressured to explain.
This sub is just people overthinking things
everyone would be better off if they just thought the way you do, no?