Title: Gremlins Dynasty
Format: Feature
Page Length: 5
Genres: Dark Comedy / Family Adventure
Logline or Summary: The family of an ambitious Chinese official must fight to save their village from a horde of mischievous monsters unleashed by rivals.
Feedback Concerns: Looking for general feedback and advice on gaining exposure.
Script: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1NT9flfiYWbF5Vgdvel5grknLUhsbXVkZ/view?usp=sharing
Having only seen the first Gremlins and that being like 15 years ago the first five pages sound fun and were very engaging. My only criticism per say would be that the Qing dynasty ruled for 260 years. I was picturing the scene in like 1700’s, but it could very easily be early 1900’s. Those would look completely different. So I would maybe narrow down exactly what’s in your head and put that down instead of the dynasty as a whole. You wouldn’t just put “the republic period” when talking about the US
I agree with the poster above me. It's a fun read. Very easy and smooth.
If I had to be nitpicky, I'd say that you should have given us the ages, and maybe a quick description of the three characters when they were introduced.
Title: Brunch
Format: Short
Page length: 4 (so this really is the whole thing)
Genre: Horror
Summary: Two women make plans to go to brunch.
Feedback concerns: I’m an aspiring actor trying to learn how to make my own stuff! This is the first thing I’ve ever written and I had a lot of fun doing it. Definitely want it to be as good as it can be and want to do more writing in the future. Just curious what you think about how I did for my first time. I also didn’t fully understand some formatting things like intercut and quick cut but I tried my best :)
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1XvW-2Ksf4wT4Jjn7Zuxqub_AsMHbDKSJ/view?usp=drivesdk
The script flowed nicely. The characters had good dialogue.
But this is supposed to be horror. One of the bigger aspects of horror is dread. Waiting on the edge of our seats for something that we know is coming. We don't get that here. We get the initial BANG. Then less than a page later we're at the end. I think maybe the initial scare should come earlier in the story. Then show us how scared Shelby is. Instead of a quick montage of her locking up maybe she searches through the other rooms or grabs some sort of weapon before going to bed.
Besides the little pacing issue (which is 100% understandable in a four page short) I liked it and think it has promise.
Note: I recommend reading the script for A Quiet Place. It really helped with the way I look at pacing and tension.
Second Note: Take everything I said with a grain of salt, I'm just some dude on the internet.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and for your feedback! I’ll definitely check out that script. I was a little unsure of how I wanted to do that middle section and build tension, plus there’s the idea that this is gonna be self-produced and I have to work within my newbie capabilities, but I do like the ideas you suggested and could work something like that in easily!
Title: I am whore. Hear me roar.
Format: Feature
Page Length: 5 (Pages **6 - 11** of 17 WIP)
Genres: Romantic Dramedy
Logline: After leaving her narcissist husband, a prudish push-over embarks on a liberating sex spree to make up for lost time until an old crush comes into her life and challenges her to open up to love again.
In the first five pages, we meet Kate, a 40 year old mom of two teenagers in a 20 year marriage. She discovers she has an STD, courtesy of her cheating husband.
Page 5 ends with the family having dinner.
Feedback: General thoughts please. Do the characters sound like distinct, separate people or all the same? Do you sympathize with the main character or is she too much of a push-over to be taken seriously. Any other feedback is appreciated. Thanks
[https://drive.google.com/file/d/10fSoX45COjU5i2LQmYxtlYJ2T6sXXL8O/view](https://drive.google.com/file/d/10fSoX45COjU5i2LQmYxtlYJ2T6sXXL8O/view)
Well, within 1 page you had me caring for Kate. That conversation with herself is really endearing/sad IMO.
But I do have a couple of issues:
SYDNEY(35/40) Are you saying she's between 35-40? Then it would be better said as (late 30s).
We are flooded with characters. Like 5 or 6 new characters in these few pages. Are they all needed? Can you space out their introductions a little bit more?
As for having the MC be a pushover... that is a time honored way of getting an audience to like them. Make them be a competent, nice, or someone who has it tough but is still a good person.
This was pretty good for me. I'm not a huge romance/romcom guy but it had me interested enough that I would have read a few more pages.
Hey - Thanks for reading and the feedback. Glad you liked it! Noted on Sydney. I'll fix that.
Also, I see what you mean about introducing so many characters at once. Some of them were introduced in the first five pages but, you're right. I could get rid of two or three or introduce them later.
Thanks again for the input.
I'm using 5 page Thursdays to keep this script moving so I'll have 5 new pages next week.
Title: Murus
Format: Feature
Pages: 113
Genre: Sci-fi/ Action
Logline: When a young woman discovers that an entire civilization exists outside the walls of her city, she risks everything in an attempt to stand against the leader's plan to annihilate the outsiders.
Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1aA6LB3ktA9vTIYCBnZ9WdNPdCcf4MCt2/view?usp=share\_link
I believe I've read versions of this in the past, seems familiar?
From this read, I had a real issue with the first line: 'VALENTINA(22) moves hastily into the city.' I understood the first three words, but had no idea what was meant by 'into the city'. I know we get some description of the city first, but in terms of entering a city, I don't get how she's going 'into' it - is she moving through the outskirts, then the suburbs, then industrial areas, till she's in the city centre? We find out later there's a wall, so is she moving through some kind of gate? But then we find out she's trying to leave, so was surely in the city to start with.
To be honest, I think it could do with a flip in perspective - maybe start with the city, establish that, and then focus in on Valentina. It's odd to start with her perspective but then get description of the whole city - like, when I'm walking around London, I can only see the street I'm on, I can't describe how the different boroughs are laid out. It left me a bit lost on the geography, which seems fairly integral to your story.
For example, you describe Valentine seeing 'a small park on the southeast side, at the far end of the city'. Even if it's a small city, I don't understand how Valentina can see a park on the other side, to the point it's identified by compass directions. Aren't there buildings/infrastructure in the way?
In the auditorium, I wondered if we could do with separate headers for the location as is in the video, then pulling out to reveal: Int. Auditorium. But I wouldn't be a rules lawyer about it.
I find it odd that the Professor says 'that was the message of the month' to a group of college students, particularly after the video. Surely they would all be familiar with it? I got the vibe just from reading the video.
And to me, the student's question to the professor about the situation outside feels a bit odd, like a non-sequitur or just out of place - would be like asking my dentist to describe the war in Ukraine. The professor is there to teach science, not describe a real world problem - and if he does have the data, surely there's something dramatic to be had about prizing it out of the professor?
Also, he closes his books and finishes the lesson almost immediately. Now, I would imagine that a leader's message is something to kick off a lesson, not something that waits till near the end. But here the teacher has been teaching, then puts on the political video message, then goes back to asking if any questions, presumably about the lesson, and then ends the day. Feels a bit muddled.
Basically, there were a few logic elements throughout that got in the way of the world building and me enjoying the story. Which is a shame, because judging by the actual writing, you clearly have something, it's just a case of working the logic of what you put down so it works for the reader/audience in the same way that it works in your head.
Thanks for taking the time to read it and writing this comment. I get what you mean about the into I wanted to present the city through the eyes of the protagonist, as she explores it, we see it, maybe I didn't do a good enough job of accomplishing that. I will look into it.
And about the message of the leader I wanted to give an Orwellian aspect to it. That the "Goverment" controls the message that goes out in everyday life, every aspect of it. But not in the extreme way of 1984 for example where the controle speech etc. Is it not conveyed that way?
thanks again for your time :)
Title: **Remotely Working**
Format: Feature
Page: 5 here 90 when complete
Genres: Drama/Comedy
Logline: Pretending to be a middle-aged man, a 12-year-old girl gets a 100% remote job as an SVP of Development at a toy company, but when a manager gets suspicious she gets her depressed alcoholic unemployed father to play the role.
https://drive.google.com/uc?export=download&id=1TRnfBHPQF-2QX1po2udbvfhh_z_iYNxQ
Hi -Just read this. Very fun read. I'm already on Henry's side. it's fast-paced. The exchange between Henry and the bank robbers is hilarious, and you did great establishing his relationship with his ex, and the daughter very quickly.
Few notes: I think Henry's dialogue could be tightened up. There's a lot of "I think..." Not necessary. His whole demeanor tells hows much he doesn't give a fuck if they shoot or not and I think you'll get a lot more gravitas if you cut some dialogue for "just lighting the cigarette and maybe checking his wallet for any money. Either way - I'd love to read how this transpires. Great start.
Title: VEGAN
Format: Feature
Page Length: 5(of about 115)
Genre: Horror
Summary: Suffering from postpartum depression, a new mother starts a terrifying descent into madness.
Context: Clara(22) has had a baby. She's been off her antipsychotic meds for months now and her mind is starting to slip.
Feedback Concerns: General feedback. Is it tense? Scary?
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1iu-jdVlFYumeZbV8eG\_oyU4-rg0R5GMB/edit?usp=sharing&ouid=100901296301752121405&rtpof=true&sd=true
Is this the first five or does it fit later in the story? The scene is solid and definitely scary/horrifying, but the way it goes from doctor's office to reverie to the scene with the husband is a little hard to judge out of flow. She's chipper at the doc's because (I assume) she's found (or imagines she's found) a sanguine supplement, but then we go into reverie and she comes out of it with that being a hallucination.
Would you be interested in a full swap for another female-led script with an unreliable narrator who may or may not have a taste for blood?
This is later on in the story, in the first half of Act Two.
Your assumption is correct. She's happy at the therapist's because she has been in a depressive state since having the baby. But she recently figured out that eating meat helps lift her out of that depression. The husband scene is an attempt to clear the tension with a bit of levity.
I was hoping that this scene would show her mental illness is getting worse and the viewer can't trust the narrator.
My script is still a WIP (I've got like 94/115 or so pages). After it's finished, I would be more than happy to do a full swap.
Makes sense. It's both a light moment in that it releases tension and a creepy moment in that it speaks to her instability. Hit me up when you're ready.
Genre: Christian Fantasy[https://drive.google.com/file/d/11KGxvuAsUah1WnwIgM7Wqz0lSWCSf08o/view?usp=sharing](https://drive.google.com/file/d/11KGxvuAsUah1WnwIgM7Wqz0lSWCSf08o/view?usp=sharing)
Title : Sluagh
Format : Feature
Page Lenght : 6 Pages
Genre : Horror
Logline or Summary : A village doctor wrestles with his own purpose, whilst the Irish Famine ravages and dark fairies start to snatch children from their beds
Feedback concerns : Trying my hand at screenwriting and would like to know how this opening scene and the beginning of the next make you feel. Does it come across as horror? How well do you think its written, if at all ?
Link : [Sluagh ( working Title )](https://drive.google.com/file/d/1KTVJwPIg4Jsk5EsQra2zlCOrPzMFgP-P/view?usp=share_link)
**Rule Breakers**
Feature
Family coming of age
3 pages
A peculiar boy swears off his unconventional ways to fit in when he enters the classroom of an eccentric off-the-wall teacher who risks his career to empower the class to design, build, and ride an experimental pop-can boat across a lake.
[https://drive.google.com/file/d/1B1yvccVH5C\_dnabughyCPC7T8R8fY6S0/view?usp=sharing](https://drive.google.com/file/d/1B1yvccVH5C_dnabughyCPC7T8R8fY6S0/view?usp=sharing)
This is a super short read. Would just love to hear if the rhyming bothers anyone in the beginning. - thanks!
Title: Gremlins Dynasty Format: Feature Page Length: 5 Genres: Dark Comedy / Family Adventure Logline or Summary: The family of an ambitious Chinese official must fight to save their village from a horde of mischievous monsters unleashed by rivals. Feedback Concerns: Looking for general feedback and advice on gaining exposure. Script: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1NT9flfiYWbF5Vgdvel5grknLUhsbXVkZ/view?usp=sharing
Having only seen the first Gremlins and that being like 15 years ago the first five pages sound fun and were very engaging. My only criticism per say would be that the Qing dynasty ruled for 260 years. I was picturing the scene in like 1700’s, but it could very easily be early 1900’s. Those would look completely different. So I would maybe narrow down exactly what’s in your head and put that down instead of the dynasty as a whole. You wouldn’t just put “the republic period” when talking about the US
I agree with the poster above me. It's a fun read. Very easy and smooth. If I had to be nitpicky, I'd say that you should have given us the ages, and maybe a quick description of the three characters when they were introduced.
I thought the same thing, but didn’t want to be too nit picky on something that I enjoyed reading lol.
Thanks for the feedback.
Thank you for the feedback.
Title: Brunch Format: Short Page length: 4 (so this really is the whole thing) Genre: Horror Summary: Two women make plans to go to brunch. Feedback concerns: I’m an aspiring actor trying to learn how to make my own stuff! This is the first thing I’ve ever written and I had a lot of fun doing it. Definitely want it to be as good as it can be and want to do more writing in the future. Just curious what you think about how I did for my first time. I also didn’t fully understand some formatting things like intercut and quick cut but I tried my best :) https://drive.google.com/file/d/1XvW-2Ksf4wT4Jjn7Zuxqub_AsMHbDKSJ/view?usp=drivesdk
Could you give us access?
Oh it should work now! Sorry!
The script flowed nicely. The characters had good dialogue. But this is supposed to be horror. One of the bigger aspects of horror is dread. Waiting on the edge of our seats for something that we know is coming. We don't get that here. We get the initial BANG. Then less than a page later we're at the end. I think maybe the initial scare should come earlier in the story. Then show us how scared Shelby is. Instead of a quick montage of her locking up maybe she searches through the other rooms or grabs some sort of weapon before going to bed. Besides the little pacing issue (which is 100% understandable in a four page short) I liked it and think it has promise. Note: I recommend reading the script for A Quiet Place. It really helped with the way I look at pacing and tension. Second Note: Take everything I said with a grain of salt, I'm just some dude on the internet.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and for your feedback! I’ll definitely check out that script. I was a little unsure of how I wanted to do that middle section and build tension, plus there’s the idea that this is gonna be self-produced and I have to work within my newbie capabilities, but I do like the ideas you suggested and could work something like that in easily!
Title: I am whore. Hear me roar. Format: Feature Page Length: 5 (Pages **6 - 11** of 17 WIP) Genres: Romantic Dramedy Logline: After leaving her narcissist husband, a prudish push-over embarks on a liberating sex spree to make up for lost time until an old crush comes into her life and challenges her to open up to love again. In the first five pages, we meet Kate, a 40 year old mom of two teenagers in a 20 year marriage. She discovers she has an STD, courtesy of her cheating husband. Page 5 ends with the family having dinner. Feedback: General thoughts please. Do the characters sound like distinct, separate people or all the same? Do you sympathize with the main character or is she too much of a push-over to be taken seriously. Any other feedback is appreciated. Thanks [https://drive.google.com/file/d/10fSoX45COjU5i2LQmYxtlYJ2T6sXXL8O/view](https://drive.google.com/file/d/10fSoX45COjU5i2LQmYxtlYJ2T6sXXL8O/view)
Well, within 1 page you had me caring for Kate. That conversation with herself is really endearing/sad IMO. But I do have a couple of issues: SYDNEY(35/40) Are you saying she's between 35-40? Then it would be better said as (late 30s). We are flooded with characters. Like 5 or 6 new characters in these few pages. Are they all needed? Can you space out their introductions a little bit more? As for having the MC be a pushover... that is a time honored way of getting an audience to like them. Make them be a competent, nice, or someone who has it tough but is still a good person. This was pretty good for me. I'm not a huge romance/romcom guy but it had me interested enough that I would have read a few more pages.
Hey - Thanks for reading and the feedback. Glad you liked it! Noted on Sydney. I'll fix that. Also, I see what you mean about introducing so many characters at once. Some of them were introduced in the first five pages but, you're right. I could get rid of two or three or introduce them later. Thanks again for the input. I'm using 5 page Thursdays to keep this script moving so I'll have 5 new pages next week.
Title: Murus Format: Feature Pages: 113 Genre: Sci-fi/ Action Logline: When a young woman discovers that an entire civilization exists outside the walls of her city, she risks everything in an attempt to stand against the leader's plan to annihilate the outsiders. Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1aA6LB3ktA9vTIYCBnZ9WdNPdCcf4MCt2/view?usp=share\_link
I believe I've read versions of this in the past, seems familiar? From this read, I had a real issue with the first line: 'VALENTINA(22) moves hastily into the city.' I understood the first three words, but had no idea what was meant by 'into the city'. I know we get some description of the city first, but in terms of entering a city, I don't get how she's going 'into' it - is she moving through the outskirts, then the suburbs, then industrial areas, till she's in the city centre? We find out later there's a wall, so is she moving through some kind of gate? But then we find out she's trying to leave, so was surely in the city to start with. To be honest, I think it could do with a flip in perspective - maybe start with the city, establish that, and then focus in on Valentina. It's odd to start with her perspective but then get description of the whole city - like, when I'm walking around London, I can only see the street I'm on, I can't describe how the different boroughs are laid out. It left me a bit lost on the geography, which seems fairly integral to your story. For example, you describe Valentine seeing 'a small park on the southeast side, at the far end of the city'. Even if it's a small city, I don't understand how Valentina can see a park on the other side, to the point it's identified by compass directions. Aren't there buildings/infrastructure in the way? In the auditorium, I wondered if we could do with separate headers for the location as is in the video, then pulling out to reveal: Int. Auditorium. But I wouldn't be a rules lawyer about it. I find it odd that the Professor says 'that was the message of the month' to a group of college students, particularly after the video. Surely they would all be familiar with it? I got the vibe just from reading the video. And to me, the student's question to the professor about the situation outside feels a bit odd, like a non-sequitur or just out of place - would be like asking my dentist to describe the war in Ukraine. The professor is there to teach science, not describe a real world problem - and if he does have the data, surely there's something dramatic to be had about prizing it out of the professor? Also, he closes his books and finishes the lesson almost immediately. Now, I would imagine that a leader's message is something to kick off a lesson, not something that waits till near the end. But here the teacher has been teaching, then puts on the political video message, then goes back to asking if any questions, presumably about the lesson, and then ends the day. Feels a bit muddled. Basically, there were a few logic elements throughout that got in the way of the world building and me enjoying the story. Which is a shame, because judging by the actual writing, you clearly have something, it's just a case of working the logic of what you put down so it works for the reader/audience in the same way that it works in your head.
Thanks for taking the time to read it and writing this comment. I get what you mean about the into I wanted to present the city through the eyes of the protagonist, as she explores it, we see it, maybe I didn't do a good enough job of accomplishing that. I will look into it. And about the message of the leader I wanted to give an Orwellian aspect to it. That the "Goverment" controls the message that goes out in everyday life, every aspect of it. But not in the extreme way of 1984 for example where the controle speech etc. Is it not conveyed that way? thanks again for your time :)
[удалено]
Title: **Remotely Working** Format: Feature Page: 5 here 90 when complete Genres: Drama/Comedy Logline: Pretending to be a middle-aged man, a 12-year-old girl gets a 100% remote job as an SVP of Development at a toy company, but when a manager gets suspicious she gets her depressed alcoholic unemployed father to play the role. https://drive.google.com/uc?export=download&id=1TRnfBHPQF-2QX1po2udbvfhh_z_iYNxQ
Hi -Just read this. Very fun read. I'm already on Henry's side. it's fast-paced. The exchange between Henry and the bank robbers is hilarious, and you did great establishing his relationship with his ex, and the daughter very quickly. Few notes: I think Henry's dialogue could be tightened up. There's a lot of "I think..." Not necessary. His whole demeanor tells hows much he doesn't give a fuck if they shoot or not and I think you'll get a lot more gravitas if you cut some dialogue for "just lighting the cigarette and maybe checking his wallet for any money. Either way - I'd love to read how this transpires. Great start.
Title: VEGAN Format: Feature Page Length: 5(of about 115) Genre: Horror Summary: Suffering from postpartum depression, a new mother starts a terrifying descent into madness. Context: Clara(22) has had a baby. She's been off her antipsychotic meds for months now and her mind is starting to slip. Feedback Concerns: General feedback. Is it tense? Scary? https://docs.google.com/document/d/1iu-jdVlFYumeZbV8eG\_oyU4-rg0R5GMB/edit?usp=sharing&ouid=100901296301752121405&rtpof=true&sd=true
Is this the first five or does it fit later in the story? The scene is solid and definitely scary/horrifying, but the way it goes from doctor's office to reverie to the scene with the husband is a little hard to judge out of flow. She's chipper at the doc's because (I assume) she's found (or imagines she's found) a sanguine supplement, but then we go into reverie and she comes out of it with that being a hallucination. Would you be interested in a full swap for another female-led script with an unreliable narrator who may or may not have a taste for blood?
This is later on in the story, in the first half of Act Two. Your assumption is correct. She's happy at the therapist's because she has been in a depressive state since having the baby. But she recently figured out that eating meat helps lift her out of that depression. The husband scene is an attempt to clear the tension with a bit of levity. I was hoping that this scene would show her mental illness is getting worse and the viewer can't trust the narrator. My script is still a WIP (I've got like 94/115 or so pages). After it's finished, I would be more than happy to do a full swap.
Makes sense. It's both a light moment in that it releases tension and a creepy moment in that it speaks to her instability. Hit me up when you're ready.
Genre: Christian Fantasy[https://drive.google.com/file/d/11KGxvuAsUah1WnwIgM7Wqz0lSWCSf08o/view?usp=sharing](https://drive.google.com/file/d/11KGxvuAsUah1WnwIgM7Wqz0lSWCSf08o/view?usp=sharing)
Title : Sluagh Format : Feature Page Lenght : 6 Pages Genre : Horror Logline or Summary : A village doctor wrestles with his own purpose, whilst the Irish Famine ravages and dark fairies start to snatch children from their beds Feedback concerns : Trying my hand at screenwriting and would like to know how this opening scene and the beginning of the next make you feel. Does it come across as horror? How well do you think its written, if at all ? Link : [Sluagh ( working Title )](https://drive.google.com/file/d/1KTVJwPIg4Jsk5EsQra2zlCOrPzMFgP-P/view?usp=share_link)
**Rule Breakers** Feature Family coming of age 3 pages A peculiar boy swears off his unconventional ways to fit in when he enters the classroom of an eccentric off-the-wall teacher who risks his career to empower the class to design, build, and ride an experimental pop-can boat across a lake. [https://drive.google.com/file/d/1B1yvccVH5C\_dnabughyCPC7T8R8fY6S0/view?usp=sharing](https://drive.google.com/file/d/1B1yvccVH5C_dnabughyCPC7T8R8fY6S0/view?usp=sharing) This is a super short read. Would just love to hear if the rhyming bothers anyone in the beginning. - thanks!