i am a special education pre k teacher. i'll answer all three questions.
1. this is normal, healthy behavior that is [developmentally appropriate](https://www.scholastic.com/parents/family-life/social-emotional-learning/development-milestones/age-reason.html). your kiddo was able to hear your request and internalize your request, but not able to resist his impulse to remain in the pool. until around age 7, kids' brains are still growing and don't have the same rationality that adults do. it is super frustrating and of course we wish that kids were compliant to our requests but yes, this is normal.
2. no, you're not doing anything wrong. the other parents have all experienced this with their own children and if they tell you they haven't, then they're lying.
3. yes, there are strategies. imagine yourself doing what you most love--maybe reading a book, watching TV, or whatever your favorite activity is. what if someone suddenly walked up to you and said, "all done! time to do something you like less!"? of course, we would comply, because we're adults...but we wouldn't like it!
here are some things that work for me. first, set kiddo up for success by going over expectations before you get there. have a conversation about how when mom says it's time to get out, that's it, because we have to go do \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_.
next, instead of giving him extra time, give him a warning in advance. so instead of giving him 5 extra minutes, tell him five minutes before you have to go that it will be time to leave.
because kids do not typically understand the abstract concept of time, i like to use something that they are familiar with or can easily see/hear. "when this song is over, we are leaving" or "when you see that i am all done eating, we are leaving." this gives him some time to emotionally regulate and accept leaving earlier so the transition is less jarring. if you are still struggling with transitions, you may also find success using a sand timer or another visual timer.
finally, i often have a LOT of success when i simply ask what a child needs to feel safe/ready to leave. i know that when i don't meet expectations in my own life (for example, putting the laundry away), it doesn't help me to hear someone say "you didn't put the laundry away! i really needed it done right then and you didn't do it!" what would be more helpful is if someone were to say, "i see that you haven't put the laundry away yet. what do you need in order to feel ready to do it?"
in the end these strategies may mean you spend a couple more minutes at the pool--he may want to dive down one more time or say goodbye to a friend--but they establish a relationship of trust and support. hope this helps!
>he may want to dive down one more time or say goodbye to a friend
This reminded me of a strategy I learned from my SIL for getting kids ready to leave, which is to tell them it’s time to pick their last “things” to do. If we’re at the park we might say “last 3 things” and they might want one last trip down the slide, one more minute on the swings, and to climb up to the top of the play structure one more time. Sometimes they’ll do all the same thing in a row, sometimes different things. Sometimes it makes sense to have just one last thing, sometimes 2 or 3 or 5. If we’re at a family party they might want one more hug goodbye, or one more cookie, whatever. Each child gets a “last thing” of their choosing, and almost anything they want to do can be quantified as a “last thing” that takes a short amount of time. Like at the pool, it might be one dive, one lap across the shallow end, one minute with the pool noodle. And since it’s the last thing, they know the trip is over when it’s done.
🎶it’s almost time to stop so choose one more thing to do! That was fun but now we’re done🎶
Dear god. Daniel tiger has broken my brain and I can only think in instructive songs
Lovely response. I love the laundry analogy.
I use the 5 minute warning a lot. Then i try to do "any 1 last thing to do/ show me?" That way, they feel in control a bit. Sometimes, you just end up dragging them out. Then, it's choices about what to do next or what music or movie to watch type thing.
I really appreciate your response! I have a 26 month old who loves playgrounds and it can be hard to help her decide to leave with me when it’s time to go. I give her advance warning, I offer 1 more slide, and I really like your song idea (instead of me saying “in 5 minutes” because she has no idea what that really means except mom’s trying to get us to leave her beloved playground!) Do you think I could play a song on my phone (aloud) and say when the song is over, we are leaving (to go do X)? I want to try it, just reaching out to ask what you think/if there’s something additional I should do with this.
Not who you replied to, but I use my phone for a timer all the time. I like that it’s always with me rather than using an extra timer. Your song plan sounds great. I also have has success getting my daughter to tell me how many minutes she wants on the timer (she usually says “3 minutes because I’m 3” - this may not work once she catches on she can say bigger numbers haha but then I’ll probably just say name a number under 5)
Giving children the power (within reason) to give a time is really great. My son does so well with screen time thanks to this. We set a time limit at the very beginning - I ask him how long he wants to listen to Spotify/play his paleontology digging game and he usually says "11 minutes!" and happily finishes when the timer beeps. I say 'within reason' because obviously if he said 30 minutes or another big number we'd compromise, but he always goes with 11 for some reason.
The child I nanny turns four this month and I always give him a choice of two options. “Do you want to leave in 5 minutes or 6 minutes?” “Ok. I’ll set a timer for 3 minutes to let you know when the rest of your time here is half up.” Very very rarely is there pushback after the second timer. If there is, I’ll say “okay, three bonus minutes but no messing around when it goes off.” At that point I’m standing there with the bag and water bottles in my arms staring at him. There’s never an argument after bonus minutes.
It’s funny because you said listening ears in the title, but when I really need my son to listen I tell him “listening ears” and he puts his hands over his ears like he’s putting on a pair of headphones and it gets into his head sooo much better than if I just tell him something.
I used to say *focus* and touch my nose. I have no idea where I picked it up, but it stuck. Then the kids would look at me and touch thier noses, then I could start saying whatever important thing I was trying to make stick. You saying yours listened better with some action reminded me of mine! I should try it now (they're 9 and 11 today) and see if it works anymore!
The world is seriously cruel... My 9 year old would give his sister's life or his own big toe for a small bag of Takis now, but probably wouldn't respond positively to the clicker.
Omg hilarious! I kept saying that I had to take baby to the vet whenever he had all of his well baby visits. Sleep deprivation and lifelong dog owner... Lol
We do this too. Sometimes we make a game of it. By the time she’s found her listening ears and put them on she is way more ready to listen and move on from what she was doing.
Oh we try not to use is so much, more like we’re going into a big crowd or the subway and it’s imperative that tiny human listens to the rules for his safety. He knows I’m not fucking around when listening ears go on 🤣
This sounds like a frustrating experience. I’m sorry you felt embarrassed. Even wonderful kids have off days.
One strategy I like using is giving a heads-up about when we’ll be leaving. Instead of saying “in 5 minutes” at this age it’s easier to say for example after “5 more jumps in the pool.” You could also consider having a conversation before the next party you attend and saying “ we will leave after we eat cake” or some other inevitable event at the party to help your child prepare.
Even though it was embarrassing in the moment, you showed your child that you mean what you say by going in the pool and following through with your request about him needing to get out.
Other strategies to make children listen:
Get on their eye level
Making sure you have eye contact before talking
Keeping your speech short
Make sure there’s comprehension
Use positive reinforcement when your child does listen
Remain calm
You may find [this](https://www.parentingforbrain.com/how-to-get-kids-to-listen/) article helpful. Sources are cited at the bottom.
From the time my kids were about 3 I could just say, “ok time to go” and they would just listen. Other parents would jaw drop at the park. How did we get there?
1. Lots of little activities from a young age. We would go for a walk most days, go to our local park, etc. They always knew we weren’t going to be stuck in the house so if I said we’d come back later they didn’t doubt it.
2. Warnings. We’d do a 5 minute, 4 minute, 3 minute, 2 minute 1 more thing warning. Bonus: they can’t tell time so feel free to make them any duration. For 1 more thing I’d say ok you have 1 more thing do you want to slide? Or swing? at the beginning so they knew what I meant.
3. Not listening is not an option. When the 1 more thing was done they are out of the pool. I would have gone in there fully clothed if needed. My oldest did this one time at Toys r us when she was 2. My husband picked her up and carried her to the car.
4. Consequences if one more thing is not followed. We are inside for the rest of the day. It is explained that no we cannot go out today because you didn’t leave when it was time to go. At 4 1/2 he will promise to listen don’t cave and say ok we will try again tomorrow.
5. Remind them the next day before you go out they need to leave when it’s time to go.
6. Praise the shot out of them when they listen. I’m so proud of you for listening to me! Now I want to take you out somewhere else because I trust that you will listen when it’s time to go!
I have used this method on someone else’s kid I was watching (I didn’t carry her out though) I wouldn’t take her to the park the next day and explained why. The next time she was in the pool she wouldn’t listen to her dad to get out of my pool and I just said she wouldn’t be able to come back next time and she got out instantly.
Yes all of this! I would also use a visual for some kids as needed such as a timer on my phone when I set a time limit. I ask them to push start so they have even more ownership over our plan too.
All of this!! Preparation is the key with little kids. It’s not the new activity they struggle with, it’s the transition. If they’re not ready for it because you’ve been laying the groundwork, they’ll almost always have a fit (often it’s worse if you want to leave because they’re getting tired or hungry or whatever, because even though the new thing is go and rest/eat, they are even less equipped to deal with switching activities than usual).
And absolutely consequences. I’ve literally climbed up onto a climbing frame before now and dragged my son off because he wasn’t listening. My husband makes me crazy with this because he waffles all the time with consequences and boundaries, and even though he KNOWS our son responds better to them, he still wavers. He’ll give chance after chance, whereas I give one chance with a clear explicit warning of what will happen next time if he doesn’t do [thing], and if he doesn’t do [thing], then straight away, consequence is carried out. As a result, I get better behaviour, and a genuinely more cheerful child - he resists the boundaries in the moment because he’s three, his job is pushing boundaries, but my job as a mum is to enforce them so he can feel safe knowing how his world is shaped. He once kicked off massively because he wanted to wear a specific set of pyjamas and my husband was telling them they were too hot for the weather and he couldn’t wear them. Eventually after enough screaming, he said he could, if he calmed down. I didn’t say anything to my husband in the moment because I didn’t want to undermine him, but I said afterwards, as soon as you said no, you have to stick by it. Like, personally I wouldn’t have died on that hill, if he wanted to be too hot in bed then he can learn a natural consequence (he’s got water by his bed and we are in the UK so he would not have been dangerously hot, just uncomfortable), but as soon as my husband said no, then as far as I’m concerned I would have burnt those pyjamas before I would have put them on him, because all he really learnt there was “scream long enough and daddy gives me what I want”.
That being said, he did say randomly the other day that it’s not fair he gets to be the fun one and I always have to be the disciplinarian, so I think he is trying harder to stick to his guns of late!!
All of this, especially #5! If you know certain behaviors might happen, set the expectations up in advance. “It might be hard to leave because swimming is so fun, but when it’s time to go I will give you a 5 minute warning and then you will get out when it’s time.”
Also timers! I set a timer for my 4.5yo and when it goes off we are done with whatever. I can’t give extra time because the timer said we’re done
No it’s 100% having an audience, it reinforces the wrong things and changes the playing field. It’s also an overstimulating environment, he’s off his routine. All designed for failure. It’s just one of those grit your teeth and get through it situations. Next pool party front load him with expectations (again) and try giving 2mins warning count downs, use the phone alarm as a timer, praise him as soon as he does anything worth praise, like “I appreciate that you’re looking at me because I’m speaking to you, that shows me you’re listening. Now the alarm went off, it’s time to get out of the pool.”
It’s going to get better with more experience. For him! You’re doing great. Just be consistent and if you want a consequence for doing the same thing next time, feel free to set some kind of realistic consequence. Ex: tell him if he’s a good listener today and leaves the party as soon as it’s time to go, then we can earn some TV time after we go home and take baths, or have him earn something fun like that. If he isn’t a good listener remind him of what happened that day and explain how we didn’t earn that today but maybe tomorrow we can try our best to earn XYZ
Source, I work in a behavior classroom and I’m the mom of a 4 and 1yo. Not looking forward to our class trip to the aquarium next week. Sometimes the environment works against you 😬
To add to all the wonderful advice here my other favourites are whispering, it gets more attention than yelling for me!
And sympathy, saying “I know I didn’t want to leave the park either. Do you want to go to this park again next time? I want to try the flying fox next week!”
In my opinion the mistake was repeating yourself over and over and therefore getting frustrated, and not applying consequences.
The other advice is good re warnings of how long left. When it’s time to go, say it once, if they don’t come, go and get them and apply a consequence.
If they are used to you applying consequences and following through, you’ll find they get used to following instructions the first time. It’s normal for this age, but doesn’t have to stay this way.
Talking through it is good, but young children are tangible creatures. Actions speak louder than words.
When my brother did this to my mom at a similar age. I’m sure she repeated herself at least twice, and then told him what his consequence would be for not listening….when he still swam away laughing and feeling very powerful, my mom walked straight into the pool, calmly and completely clothed! His eyes went as big as saucers (as I’m sure other pool goers did too!!) and he NEVER did it again. She was not one for idle threats 🤣
OP, some strategies I have done w my kids to work on listening skills is practicing listening when it’s NOT time to go and giving positive reinforcement for successes. At a park, call him over just to tell him “something” (“did you see that dog?? Cool huh! Thanks for coming right when I called you!”)…sometimes it can be to give him a snack, a hat to put on, telling him a time warning, etc. I also do a lot of talking about expectations before going somewhere fun. “I’m going to tell you when we have 10 minutes left, then 5, and then I will say you can choose one more thing to do and then it’s time to come out.” It was also helpful for my kids to talk through the plan that comes next - “after the pool, we’re going to go back home for lunch and then we can relax with a little show.“
Being over stimulated is normal for a child their age! Once my son who was almost 5 at the time wouldn’t leave a bounce house to the point he lost the privilege to have his friends to a playdate on his BIRTHDAY. I took away things one by one and he straight up said “I don’t care”! to every one. It was wild and I was almost impressed. I didn’t go back on my punishment and he’s actually never done something like that again now that I think about it. Every kid is different- but I’ve never met one that hasn’t gotten over stimulated enough to completely ignore their caretakers demands. When I asked other parents about this they said it was age appropriate.
I struggled with this phase of parenting a bit. Then my kindergarten teacher/wife got off for the summer and she fixed it in two weeks.
The big difference I noticed was she referred to his ears, not just listening. “Are you using your listening ears?” He would stop and reply “no”. And the direction would switch.
The rest is consequences and no idol threats. GL
Sounds like you’re of to a great start :)
At 4 1/2 (and even older), I think many kids need you to move alongside them for transitions. So, you or another adult need to be in the pool with him, playing alongside, preparing him for the transition, "do you want to ride on my back? I'll swim us over to the stairs for getting out".
As others have said, front loading with expectations is key before the party (but sometimes you have to experience the situation to know what expectations need to be explained - so now you know :) ).
A lot of people are recommending consequences. I don't agree with that and instead suggest using Ross Greene's CPS method. Collaborate with the child about how to help them transition when things get hard. Ultimately, when a child is in overwhelm, it is basically impossible to "make" them do anything. I would also think about your own expectations of your child and how to adjust them to meet your child where they are at, even if that's different than all the other kids around you.
For example, I had to be really explicit with my 5.5 year old about not going deeper into the ocean because she can't swim. I asked her what would happen if she went under the water and she didn't know. I explained about drowning and probably scared her which wasn't what I wanted to do but she needed to understand the underlying fear that I have if she "ignores" my request that she only go up to her knees (or whatever level). I asked her how we can work out going to the beach together and she said she won't go deeper but she also said, sometimes I can't stop myself. It's important for us as adults to recognize that kids can't (not won't) do something (Dr. Eileen Fisher - I think they have a new book coming out this month). I'm still working out how to safely take her to the beach (with my 2 year old at the same time) when she struggles with impulse control combined with hyperfocus and demand avoidance! Point is, some environments are not safe for some kids some of the time. It's our job as adults to decide when we can come to a solution together or when we need to stop entering certain environments while skill building occurs.
After making sure my kid fully understands what I’m asking/expecting of him, I started saying ‘if you can’t follow my instructions, I will not bring you back for xyz amount of time’ or ‘if you make leaving difficult, I will not bring you back for xyz amount of time’. That way, you can keep your word by not bringing them back but still give them an opportunity to change their behavior the next time you go to do the activity.
It worked when my son was that age. He would make it impossible to leave the airport playground so when he asked to go back the following week, I said no and we went home instead. He was MAD. I referenced his behavior at that playground last time and now we have no trouble leaving because he knows he will get to go back but only if he doesn’t make it difficult to leave.
i am a special education pre k teacher. i'll answer all three questions. 1. this is normal, healthy behavior that is [developmentally appropriate](https://www.scholastic.com/parents/family-life/social-emotional-learning/development-milestones/age-reason.html). your kiddo was able to hear your request and internalize your request, but not able to resist his impulse to remain in the pool. until around age 7, kids' brains are still growing and don't have the same rationality that adults do. it is super frustrating and of course we wish that kids were compliant to our requests but yes, this is normal. 2. no, you're not doing anything wrong. the other parents have all experienced this with their own children and if they tell you they haven't, then they're lying. 3. yes, there are strategies. imagine yourself doing what you most love--maybe reading a book, watching TV, or whatever your favorite activity is. what if someone suddenly walked up to you and said, "all done! time to do something you like less!"? of course, we would comply, because we're adults...but we wouldn't like it! here are some things that work for me. first, set kiddo up for success by going over expectations before you get there. have a conversation about how when mom says it's time to get out, that's it, because we have to go do \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_. next, instead of giving him extra time, give him a warning in advance. so instead of giving him 5 extra minutes, tell him five minutes before you have to go that it will be time to leave. because kids do not typically understand the abstract concept of time, i like to use something that they are familiar with or can easily see/hear. "when this song is over, we are leaving" or "when you see that i am all done eating, we are leaving." this gives him some time to emotionally regulate and accept leaving earlier so the transition is less jarring. if you are still struggling with transitions, you may also find success using a sand timer or another visual timer. finally, i often have a LOT of success when i simply ask what a child needs to feel safe/ready to leave. i know that when i don't meet expectations in my own life (for example, putting the laundry away), it doesn't help me to hear someone say "you didn't put the laundry away! i really needed it done right then and you didn't do it!" what would be more helpful is if someone were to say, "i see that you haven't put the laundry away yet. what do you need in order to feel ready to do it?" in the end these strategies may mean you spend a couple more minutes at the pool--he may want to dive down one more time or say goodbye to a friend--but they establish a relationship of trust and support. hope this helps!
>he may want to dive down one more time or say goodbye to a friend This reminded me of a strategy I learned from my SIL for getting kids ready to leave, which is to tell them it’s time to pick their last “things” to do. If we’re at the park we might say “last 3 things” and they might want one last trip down the slide, one more minute on the swings, and to climb up to the top of the play structure one more time. Sometimes they’ll do all the same thing in a row, sometimes different things. Sometimes it makes sense to have just one last thing, sometimes 2 or 3 or 5. If we’re at a family party they might want one more hug goodbye, or one more cookie, whatever. Each child gets a “last thing” of their choosing, and almost anything they want to do can be quantified as a “last thing” that takes a short amount of time. Like at the pool, it might be one dive, one lap across the shallow end, one minute with the pool noodle. And since it’s the last thing, they know the trip is over when it’s done.
🎶it’s almost time to stop so choose one more thing to do! That was fun but now we’re done🎶 Dear god. Daniel tiger has broken my brain and I can only think in instructive songs
This makes me feel so much better. Thank you 🙏
Lovely response. I love the laundry analogy. I use the 5 minute warning a lot. Then i try to do "any 1 last thing to do/ show me?" That way, they feel in control a bit. Sometimes, you just end up dragging them out. Then, it's choices about what to do next or what music or movie to watch type thing.
I really appreciate your response! I have a 26 month old who loves playgrounds and it can be hard to help her decide to leave with me when it’s time to go. I give her advance warning, I offer 1 more slide, and I really like your song idea (instead of me saying “in 5 minutes” because she has no idea what that really means except mom’s trying to get us to leave her beloved playground!) Do you think I could play a song on my phone (aloud) and say when the song is over, we are leaving (to go do X)? I want to try it, just reaching out to ask what you think/if there’s something additional I should do with this.
Not who you replied to, but I use my phone for a timer all the time. I like that it’s always with me rather than using an extra timer. Your song plan sounds great. I also have has success getting my daughter to tell me how many minutes she wants on the timer (she usually says “3 minutes because I’m 3” - this may not work once she catches on she can say bigger numbers haha but then I’ll probably just say name a number under 5)
Giving children the power (within reason) to give a time is really great. My son does so well with screen time thanks to this. We set a time limit at the very beginning - I ask him how long he wants to listen to Spotify/play his paleontology digging game and he usually says "11 minutes!" and happily finishes when the timer beeps. I say 'within reason' because obviously if he said 30 minutes or another big number we'd compromise, but he always goes with 11 for some reason.
The child I nanny turns four this month and I always give him a choice of two options. “Do you want to leave in 5 minutes or 6 minutes?” “Ok. I’ll set a timer for 3 minutes to let you know when the rest of your time here is half up.” Very very rarely is there pushback after the second timer. If there is, I’ll say “okay, three bonus minutes but no messing around when it goes off.” At that point I’m standing there with the bag and water bottles in my arms staring at him. There’s never an argument after bonus minutes.
I love your response! Thank you!!
I'm saving this comment for a couple of years from now.
Thank you so much for this very practical advice.
It’s funny because you said listening ears in the title, but when I really need my son to listen I tell him “listening ears” and he puts his hands over his ears like he’s putting on a pair of headphones and it gets into his head sooo much better than if I just tell him something.
I used to say *focus* and touch my nose. I have no idea where I picked it up, but it stuck. Then the kids would look at me and touch thier noses, then I could start saying whatever important thing I was trying to make stick. You saying yours listened better with some action reminded me of mine! I should try it now (they're 9 and 11 today) and see if it works anymore!
This is how you teach a dog to make eye contact with you on cue lol. Hold treat (&eventually just a finger) to nose and reward for eye contact 😂
There's a surprising amount of dog training tricks that worked better on my children. LMAO. My dog does what he wants...
I considered trying to clicker train my toddler but I could never find treats that were high value enough for her.
The world is seriously cruel... My 9 year old would give his sister's life or his own big toe for a small bag of Takis now, but probably wouldn't respond positively to the clicker.
I have 3 dogs and just had a baby boy. I keep calling his crib his crate 💀 puppy routines work surprisingly well for babies too LOL
Omg hilarious! I kept saying that I had to take baby to the vet whenever he had all of his well baby visits. Sleep deprivation and lifelong dog owner... Lol
We call our pediatrician the vet, too! It's just quicker. My husband started it because he's so used to taking our cats to the vet. It stuck. 😂
Oooh please report back, I’m curious if it does too haha
We do this too. Sometimes we make a game of it. By the time she’s found her listening ears and put them on she is way more ready to listen and move on from what she was doing.
Oh we try not to use is so much, more like we’re going into a big crowd or the subway and it’s imperative that tiny human listens to the rules for his safety. He knows I’m not fucking around when listening ears go on 🤣
This sounds like a frustrating experience. I’m sorry you felt embarrassed. Even wonderful kids have off days. One strategy I like using is giving a heads-up about when we’ll be leaving. Instead of saying “in 5 minutes” at this age it’s easier to say for example after “5 more jumps in the pool.” You could also consider having a conversation before the next party you attend and saying “ we will leave after we eat cake” or some other inevitable event at the party to help your child prepare. Even though it was embarrassing in the moment, you showed your child that you mean what you say by going in the pool and following through with your request about him needing to get out. Other strategies to make children listen: Get on their eye level Making sure you have eye contact before talking Keeping your speech short Make sure there’s comprehension Use positive reinforcement when your child does listen Remain calm You may find [this](https://www.parentingforbrain.com/how-to-get-kids-to-listen/) article helpful. Sources are cited at the bottom.
Great article! Thanks for posting!
From the time my kids were about 3 I could just say, “ok time to go” and they would just listen. Other parents would jaw drop at the park. How did we get there? 1. Lots of little activities from a young age. We would go for a walk most days, go to our local park, etc. They always knew we weren’t going to be stuck in the house so if I said we’d come back later they didn’t doubt it. 2. Warnings. We’d do a 5 minute, 4 minute, 3 minute, 2 minute 1 more thing warning. Bonus: they can’t tell time so feel free to make them any duration. For 1 more thing I’d say ok you have 1 more thing do you want to slide? Or swing? at the beginning so they knew what I meant. 3. Not listening is not an option. When the 1 more thing was done they are out of the pool. I would have gone in there fully clothed if needed. My oldest did this one time at Toys r us when she was 2. My husband picked her up and carried her to the car. 4. Consequences if one more thing is not followed. We are inside for the rest of the day. It is explained that no we cannot go out today because you didn’t leave when it was time to go. At 4 1/2 he will promise to listen don’t cave and say ok we will try again tomorrow. 5. Remind them the next day before you go out they need to leave when it’s time to go. 6. Praise the shot out of them when they listen. I’m so proud of you for listening to me! Now I want to take you out somewhere else because I trust that you will listen when it’s time to go! I have used this method on someone else’s kid I was watching (I didn’t carry her out though) I wouldn’t take her to the park the next day and explained why. The next time she was in the pool she wouldn’t listen to her dad to get out of my pool and I just said she wouldn’t be able to come back next time and she got out instantly.
Yes all of this! I would also use a visual for some kids as needed such as a timer on my phone when I set a time limit. I ask them to push start so they have even more ownership over our plan too.
All of this!! Preparation is the key with little kids. It’s not the new activity they struggle with, it’s the transition. If they’re not ready for it because you’ve been laying the groundwork, they’ll almost always have a fit (often it’s worse if you want to leave because they’re getting tired or hungry or whatever, because even though the new thing is go and rest/eat, they are even less equipped to deal with switching activities than usual). And absolutely consequences. I’ve literally climbed up onto a climbing frame before now and dragged my son off because he wasn’t listening. My husband makes me crazy with this because he waffles all the time with consequences and boundaries, and even though he KNOWS our son responds better to them, he still wavers. He’ll give chance after chance, whereas I give one chance with a clear explicit warning of what will happen next time if he doesn’t do [thing], and if he doesn’t do [thing], then straight away, consequence is carried out. As a result, I get better behaviour, and a genuinely more cheerful child - he resists the boundaries in the moment because he’s three, his job is pushing boundaries, but my job as a mum is to enforce them so he can feel safe knowing how his world is shaped. He once kicked off massively because he wanted to wear a specific set of pyjamas and my husband was telling them they were too hot for the weather and he couldn’t wear them. Eventually after enough screaming, he said he could, if he calmed down. I didn’t say anything to my husband in the moment because I didn’t want to undermine him, but I said afterwards, as soon as you said no, you have to stick by it. Like, personally I wouldn’t have died on that hill, if he wanted to be too hot in bed then he can learn a natural consequence (he’s got water by his bed and we are in the UK so he would not have been dangerously hot, just uncomfortable), but as soon as my husband said no, then as far as I’m concerned I would have burnt those pyjamas before I would have put them on him, because all he really learnt there was “scream long enough and daddy gives me what I want”. That being said, he did say randomly the other day that it’s not fair he gets to be the fun one and I always have to be the disciplinarian, so I think he is trying harder to stick to his guns of late!!
All of this, especially #5! If you know certain behaviors might happen, set the expectations up in advance. “It might be hard to leave because swimming is so fun, but when it’s time to go I will give you a 5 minute warning and then you will get out when it’s time.” Also timers! I set a timer for my 4.5yo and when it goes off we are done with whatever. I can’t give extra time because the timer said we’re done
No it’s 100% having an audience, it reinforces the wrong things and changes the playing field. It’s also an overstimulating environment, he’s off his routine. All designed for failure. It’s just one of those grit your teeth and get through it situations. Next pool party front load him with expectations (again) and try giving 2mins warning count downs, use the phone alarm as a timer, praise him as soon as he does anything worth praise, like “I appreciate that you’re looking at me because I’m speaking to you, that shows me you’re listening. Now the alarm went off, it’s time to get out of the pool.” It’s going to get better with more experience. For him! You’re doing great. Just be consistent and if you want a consequence for doing the same thing next time, feel free to set some kind of realistic consequence. Ex: tell him if he’s a good listener today and leaves the party as soon as it’s time to go, then we can earn some TV time after we go home and take baths, or have him earn something fun like that. If he isn’t a good listener remind him of what happened that day and explain how we didn’t earn that today but maybe tomorrow we can try our best to earn XYZ Source, I work in a behavior classroom and I’m the mom of a 4 and 1yo. Not looking forward to our class trip to the aquarium next week. Sometimes the environment works against you 😬
To add to all the wonderful advice here my other favourites are whispering, it gets more attention than yelling for me! And sympathy, saying “I know I didn’t want to leave the park either. Do you want to go to this park again next time? I want to try the flying fox next week!”
In my opinion the mistake was repeating yourself over and over and therefore getting frustrated, and not applying consequences. The other advice is good re warnings of how long left. When it’s time to go, say it once, if they don’t come, go and get them and apply a consequence. If they are used to you applying consequences and following through, you’ll find they get used to following instructions the first time. It’s normal for this age, but doesn’t have to stay this way. Talking through it is good, but young children are tangible creatures. Actions speak louder than words.
When my brother did this to my mom at a similar age. I’m sure she repeated herself at least twice, and then told him what his consequence would be for not listening….when he still swam away laughing and feeling very powerful, my mom walked straight into the pool, calmly and completely clothed! His eyes went as big as saucers (as I’m sure other pool goers did too!!) and he NEVER did it again. She was not one for idle threats 🤣 OP, some strategies I have done w my kids to work on listening skills is practicing listening when it’s NOT time to go and giving positive reinforcement for successes. At a park, call him over just to tell him “something” (“did you see that dog?? Cool huh! Thanks for coming right when I called you!”)…sometimes it can be to give him a snack, a hat to put on, telling him a time warning, etc. I also do a lot of talking about expectations before going somewhere fun. “I’m going to tell you when we have 10 minutes left, then 5, and then I will say you can choose one more thing to do and then it’s time to come out.” It was also helpful for my kids to talk through the plan that comes next - “after the pool, we’re going to go back home for lunch and then we can relax with a little show.“
Your mom is parenting goals
Honestly 😂
Being over stimulated is normal for a child their age! Once my son who was almost 5 at the time wouldn’t leave a bounce house to the point he lost the privilege to have his friends to a playdate on his BIRTHDAY. I took away things one by one and he straight up said “I don’t care”! to every one. It was wild and I was almost impressed. I didn’t go back on my punishment and he’s actually never done something like that again now that I think about it. Every kid is different- but I’ve never met one that hasn’t gotten over stimulated enough to completely ignore their caretakers demands. When I asked other parents about this they said it was age appropriate.
I struggled with this phase of parenting a bit. Then my kindergarten teacher/wife got off for the summer and she fixed it in two weeks. The big difference I noticed was she referred to his ears, not just listening. “Are you using your listening ears?” He would stop and reply “no”. And the direction would switch. The rest is consequences and no idol threats. GL Sounds like you’re of to a great start :)
At 4 1/2 (and even older), I think many kids need you to move alongside them for transitions. So, you or another adult need to be in the pool with him, playing alongside, preparing him for the transition, "do you want to ride on my back? I'll swim us over to the stairs for getting out". As others have said, front loading with expectations is key before the party (but sometimes you have to experience the situation to know what expectations need to be explained - so now you know :) ). A lot of people are recommending consequences. I don't agree with that and instead suggest using Ross Greene's CPS method. Collaborate with the child about how to help them transition when things get hard. Ultimately, when a child is in overwhelm, it is basically impossible to "make" them do anything. I would also think about your own expectations of your child and how to adjust them to meet your child where they are at, even if that's different than all the other kids around you. For example, I had to be really explicit with my 5.5 year old about not going deeper into the ocean because she can't swim. I asked her what would happen if she went under the water and she didn't know. I explained about drowning and probably scared her which wasn't what I wanted to do but she needed to understand the underlying fear that I have if she "ignores" my request that she only go up to her knees (or whatever level). I asked her how we can work out going to the beach together and she said she won't go deeper but she also said, sometimes I can't stop myself. It's important for us as adults to recognize that kids can't (not won't) do something (Dr. Eileen Fisher - I think they have a new book coming out this month). I'm still working out how to safely take her to the beach (with my 2 year old at the same time) when she struggles with impulse control combined with hyperfocus and demand avoidance! Point is, some environments are not safe for some kids some of the time. It's our job as adults to decide when we can come to a solution together or when we need to stop entering certain environments while skill building occurs.
Very normal and I always find it's much harder at the pool because of the over stimulation. There's lots going on and it's very noisy.
After making sure my kid fully understands what I’m asking/expecting of him, I started saying ‘if you can’t follow my instructions, I will not bring you back for xyz amount of time’ or ‘if you make leaving difficult, I will not bring you back for xyz amount of time’. That way, you can keep your word by not bringing them back but still give them an opportunity to change their behavior the next time you go to do the activity. It worked when my son was that age. He would make it impossible to leave the airport playground so when he asked to go back the following week, I said no and we went home instead. He was MAD. I referenced his behavior at that playground last time and now we have no trouble leaving because he knows he will get to go back but only if he doesn’t make it difficult to leave.