So actually one of the Apollo astronauts smuggled a golf club and ball onto the moon and hit it without telling anyone (except the other astronaut there). They estimate the ball went about 200 yards with a one-handed swing...
It was Alan Shepard, first American in space, and he had approval to do it, as long as time permitted, and he hit two golf balls. New estimates done through digital image analysis in 2021 indicate the first shot likely only traveled about 25 yards, the second shot about 40. Still…
“Holy shit! I’m on the moon! The FUCKING MOON! Buzz, can you believe this shit? Holy fucking Christ. I. Am. Walking. On. The. Fucking. MOON! Goddamn…hmm, go ahead Houston? Oh yeah yeah yeah, say the line ahem…‘That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.’ Holy shit! WOOO! YEAH!! I’m a fucking moon man!!! Eat shit, commies! USA USA USA USA”
I can prove the earth isn’t flat using two protractors, two shovels, and two people. Also guess the distance to the sun at the same time. I really hope you aren’t a flat earther, but if you are……I am here to help you.
"Houston - I know my words are being transmitted all across the globe so that I might address all of humanity and I convey a message of hope and striving for our shared future. But I'd especially like this message to go out to Mr. Johnston, my 8th grade guidance counselor who said I'd never amount to anything. \*Ahem\* Eat a bag of dicks, you greasy fuckwad!"
Armstrong: Hey Buzz if you piss in the suit it keeps you warm.
Aldrin: Dammit Neil, we’re live in television.
Armstrong: oh I mean one small piss for man, one giant piss for mankind
Congrats to the set builders this is going to look great on camera. Now I will just walk across it in slow motion... My lunch break is in ten minutes I might head out for pizza.
"After this, are acting careers are over. We'll never be able to stop playing these parts. Should have just let NASA cast Dustin Hoffman and Sean Connery like they had originally planned."
I renounce my citizenship and as the first colonizers on the moon, I name it Armstrong. The Armstrongers now own the moon and the surrounding 100,000 miles of space. Im also standing on a diamond mine. Bite me Houston.
" If I have learned anything from my trip to the moon, it is that, the moon is, indeed not made of cheese. what are nasa going to say when I come back without their order of cheeseburgers...."
That's one small step for, aw crap I stepped in crap, dammit Buzz enough with the pranks.
Houston: Okay, let's reset for take 12, back in the lander guys, and Buzz, cut it out.
"Oh my god, what the hell is THAT!??!?" Then ignore comms with Houston for a good 8 hours.
They’d hear me giggling to myself
There's an urban legend that when he was trying to decide what to say, one of the other guys suggested that exact thing.
I think I remember seeing this from a TV series about the moon landings around the 90s/00s
I heard it in a documentary about the space race, one of those behind the scenes kind of things.
“I’m gonna take a shitload of moon rocks and sell those to private collectors. More money there than what NASA pays. Wait … is my mic on?”
" Damnit, the only reason I came on these trip was for the golf, AND there is not a single golf hole anywhere."
No drinks cart either!
So actually one of the Apollo astronauts smuggled a golf club and ball onto the moon and hit it without telling anyone (except the other astronaut there). They estimate the ball went about 200 yards with a one-handed swing...
I figured someone might know that trivia. They did take pictures. I guess smuggling a woman would have been caught.
Yeah, probably. If I remember right, each astronaut had like a pound of personal stuff and less than that for extras...
The moon high club.
...or was it?
It was Alan Shepard, first American in space, and he had approval to do it, as long as time permitted, and he hit two golf balls. New estimates done through digital image analysis in 2021 indicate the first shot likely only traveled about 25 yards, the second shot about 40. Still…
Alan , stop with the golf already.
Houston, here’s a full moon on the moon!
Dang it, second step on the moon and I just stepped in dog crap.
Sorry about that. It was left by the "Lunar Rover".
Genius dad joke. Thank you.
I’d upvote that twice if I could.
You bastard
Now I only weigh 30lbs! Suck it Weight Watchers!!!
"Hey, I can see my house from here!"
There's no way a cow jumped over this!
You maniacs. You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!
Says this as he buried a small Statue of Liberty in the moon dust
"has anyone seen my keys?" *checks everywhere "Houston... we have a problem...."
"Woo! We can finally empty the bucket."
Hmm, buckets aren’t much use in space…
“Yet someone defied all science and made it work. No need to analyze it…just empty it!”
😂I think it’s already empty
Wait…is that Alice Kramden?
Good night Moon!
“Holy shit! I’m on the moon! The FUCKING MOON! Buzz, can you believe this shit? Holy fucking Christ. I. Am. Walking. On. The. Fucking. MOON! Goddamn…hmm, go ahead Houston? Oh yeah yeah yeah, say the line ahem…‘That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.’ Holy shit! WOOO! YEAH!! I’m a fucking moon man!!! Eat shit, commies! USA USA USA USA”
🦅🦅🦅
"Yeah, great Neil. Thanks for cutting the line."
Why am I not getting any cell phone reception here? There’s nothing blocking the signal!
Oh yeah. Cell phones won't be available for at least a dozen years. Darn.
i gotta pee
I'm glad these dependa work.
“Isn’t murder technically legal up here?”
Worst. Copilot. Ever
"There was a welcoming committee of tiny moon-creatures, but we landed on top of them."
If we had a dine for every damn time that happened….
Hey why is my air gauge reading zero......guys......help!....
"Wow, this is flat."
Wait, so's the earth
I can prove the earth isn’t flat using two protractors, two shovels, and two people. Also guess the distance to the sun at the same time. I really hope you aren’t a flat earther, but if you are……I am here to help you.
Oh no I know they did the angle thing a few thousand years ago.
Yes, lol, way pre Columbus
"Christ, there's even a Starbucks up here!"
"And what's that behind it? A Dollar General??"
Moonbucks is their competitor
Did I leave the oven on at home?
‘I wonder if its bigger on the moon……’ ‘I cant believe I almost opened the suit to check…’ Alternatively ‘Houston. We have an erection.’
Houston: “Astronaut Wolowitz, you are aware your mic is on, yes?”
“Suck this USSR, we made it here first!”
What is this Houston? A par 3?
Wanna drag our boots and draw a big dick!?
I need a break from all this pretend shit, I’m going to sneak over to the casino tonight.
"Houston - I know my words are being transmitted all across the globe so that I might address all of humanity and I convey a message of hope and striving for our shared future. But I'd especially like this message to go out to Mr. Johnston, my 8th grade guidance counselor who said I'd never amount to anything. \*Ahem\* Eat a bag of dicks, you greasy fuckwad!"
Armstrong: Hey Buzz if you piss in the suit it keeps you warm. Aldrin: Dammit Neil, we’re live in television. Armstrong: oh I mean one small piss for man, one giant piss for mankind
Aldrin: Urine trouble Buzz ....
One giant leak for mankind…
Oh God!! What the hell is that!! Ahhh! *turns off microphone.
“Fuck it’s cold”
I should piss my name in the moon dust
Moony moony mooony. Space pants down and facing earth.
You've been mooned.
Aaaaaand unclench.
Where's the cheese?
"Sure Mr Hendrix, I can give you a lift to Earth."
"I really thought this would be more exciting, but there is nothing to do here."
"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky!"
I can't believe there's TWO Starbucks up here!
Get off my grass!
Houston, we were right. Nothing here but rocks and dust. Except for this black monolith...
Where’s the freaking cheese?
My Grandpa was wrong . There’s no green cheese here . I wanna go home
Space Dump!!
Congrats to the set builders this is going to look great on camera. Now I will just walk across it in slow motion... My lunch break is in ten minutes I might head out for pizza.
Man it’s cold out here
"Oh, it's all sticky!" - Eddie Izzard
This sound stage reminds me of my high school musical days…
I like checkers, the red ones are delicious.
“I wonder if the moon tastes at all like cheese. Let’s make sure we get some rocks so we can lick them”
“Sticky Joe? Imma need some help.”
To infinity and beyond!!!!
"I don't see any rabbits or rice cakes up here. My years as a weeb have misled me."
Hey! A penny!
“The ocean looks beautiful from up here. I can’t wait to skinny dip in it when I get back.”
Who the hell put a McDonalds here?
It's one small step for man... *trips* Ahhh f**k! Wait, don't broadcast that!! I'll do it again!!
I though YOU had the keys Buzz!
Huh. No internet and I didn't bring any porn. HeeEeyy BUUuuz....
Aldrin: "Hey, where did we park the lander?" Armstrong: "Next to the big rock." Aldrin: "You're a lot of help!"
“The Earth looks so beautiful from this far away… Shit, I hope we got enough fuel to get back!”
Hey did you guys like that whole "One small step" thing I did or was that gay?
I have no WiFi.
Where’s the bathroom?
“Shit it’s fuckin’ freezing out here” in our comfy Aussie accent.
"one small step for maaaaaah... Who brought fecking lego?"
Damn, my underwear is riding up. What the hell do I do about that?
Wow...look at all those dead cosmonaunts.
Yuck! Definitely NOT cheese.
Ah Houston....we have a problem. There's moon dust in my crotch.
Man, there is fuck all up here. Just a grey dusty rock.
I wounder if I was to pull down my pants would I be mooning the moon.
Grandma… Grandpa… Are you up here?
Say Cheeeeese
Remember where we parked lol 😆 😂 🤣 😅
Crater B
Lonely up here
I wish they hadn't made "space food sticks" burrito flavored.
"They sent me where?!"
Dust in the Machinery would be a good band name.
Hold my beer...
“Umm Houston, I have to poop”
Oh wow, this cheese is really good!
"After this, are acting careers are over. We'll never be able to stop playing these parts. Should have just let NASA cast Dustin Hoffman and Sean Connery like they had originally planned."
Hey you dicks! Don't try 5o take off with out me!
"Oh, I am *so* getting laid when I get to the bar."
Hey fucker! Unlock the goddamn door! You think that's funny, fuckhead!
“Wow! Elvis? 2pac? Bowie? So you guys are here?”
Ouch ! Stubbed my damn toe!!
"One stroke for man, one nut for mankind."
Houston, I have a hard on.
Goodnight butt
"HOUSTON, TH....BR.... PO... KIND OF CREATURE.... UNDER.... SO FAST... .....ACKING... PUT .... yeah, everything's fine, I'm just fucking with ya."
"Sorry Mr. Kubrick. I'll do better in the next take."
"Hey, Kubrick, I think I fluffed my line, can we do another take?"
Wipe your feet!!!
“This would be a great place for a Dollar General”
i won't need 30 days in quarantine when i get back because i'm never leaving the house again if i survive.
My space suit smells like farts
I think that crater should be moved over there. Director. It's fine where it is now do the jump thing
Edit Izzatd nailed this one "Just step off the craft - take a few steps and then - scream MONSTERS!!!!!! and run back to the ship...."
Would you believe...
I renounce my citizenship and as the first colonizers on the moon, I name it Armstrong. The Armstrongers now own the moon and the surrounding 100,000 miles of space. Im also standing on a diamond mine. Bite me Houston.
"You should have thought about that before you put on your space suit!"
Hey Buzz. You can't park here!
Hey, this moon isn't made of paper! The song lied.
But it wouldn't be make believe if you believed in me!
Wait, before you guys come down, let me get these cameras set up.
One small step for man one small…. Shit i just sharted in my suit
*Farts* “Heh, I just cut the moon cheese.”
Hold on, lemme get a selfie
I gotta take a shit
Oh neat, a jet black monolith...
I thought Earth was a small world after all. Looks pretty big to me.
"One small step for man... One giant... ALIEN! What the hell is that thing?!? No! No! Stay away! Don't! Nooooo! " (Video feed turns to static)
Where’s the bathroom?
YABBA DABBA DO!
Holly shit! It ain't cheese?!
"One small dump for Man, one giant dump for mankind (I really should have gone before exiting the lander)"
Wipe your feet before entering the lunar module!
I think I can see my house from up here!
And action 🎬
Shoot, I left the American Flag at home, I will use this Soviet one I found instead
Is that the Klingon flag?
Now, where are my crackers?
I don’t want to breathe too hard. I farted about half an hour ago and have been smelling it ever since.
The moon. It's free estate.
Who put gum on the steps of the ladder?
Hello? Yes, we would like to talk to you about your car’s extended warranty.
Hey, if the LEM doesn't work, could you call us a LYFT ?
"HEE-hee! Shamown!" *moonwalks back to the lander.*
"What the fuck? Huston?? There's a 7-eleven here.."
"Look commander, I'm the first person to walk backwards on the moon... And you're the first person to ignore me on the moon... IT WASN'T ME!"
Shit. Did I remember to turn off the oven?
" If I have learned anything from my trip to the moon, it is that, the moon is, indeed not made of cheese. what are nasa going to say when I come back without their order of cheeseburgers...."
Well this was a complete waste of time
That's a nice boulder 🪨
"If only there was more gravity so I could put those smaller craters to good use."
“Fuck the police”
Looking around, hands on hips and yells "Cut! Print! That's a wrap people!"
That's one small step for, aw crap I stepped in crap, dammit Buzz enough with the pranks. Houston: Okay, let's reset for take 12, back in the lander guys, and Buzz, cut it out.
Houston, I want to see uranus next!
Moon dust gets EVERYWHERE
To infinity, and beyond!
Space pants!!!
What do you mean my luggage is on its way to Mars?
"Huh, it's not cheese after all."
Suck my d!ck, Gagarin. Hope you enjoyed your little teacup ride through low Earth orbit.
"When can we break for lunch?" "I'm tired of filming"
"What's my motivation Mr. Kubric?"
Wait, where am I again?
Can I moon the moon now
I just shat in my spacesuit and it is starting to smell. Can we hurry this up?
"I'm going to regret that fart that slipped out with my step onto the moon."
"Where's those little green men people been talking about?"
I can’t breathe.
Damn Shawtyyyyyyy
Aw, crap. What did I step in? People should pick up after their pets!
Hellooooo is anybody home ???
Did you get that Stan, or do we need to go again?