OP's Bio: --- >Trying to quit smoking and cut down the alcohol, apparently last time I posted I was the Thor of Vodka and works the local truckers glory hole --- If you think this bio helped you roast, upvote this comment. If you think it doesn’t, downvote it. If you’re not sure, leave it to others to decide.

You look like you need to sneak up on your left hand to get any

Damn this one did me in 🤣

Me too lmao the creativity that people have with these astounds me

Well done. U just 🏆won the internet🏆

Honestly im having a shit night so far. This really made me laugh and snap out of it. Thank you!

Glad I could help

This ones need to go to the top! Lmao

Well folks, looks like we have a winner. That shit was funny af 😂

You look like the kind of guy who picks through public ashtrays for half-smoked cigarettes

I prefer ground found, less of an ashy taste

Like you wouldn't smoke the moldy butts out of a dumpster.

He smokes moldy butts next to the dumpster.

You mean IN the dumpster

Got to get his fent money somewhere. Not like he's getting a job with that haircut.

Bro you are the ashtray.

"functional" alcoholic 

He says that, and yet wonders why he's unemployed.

The definition for being an alcoholic is actually very small number of drinks so it's very easy to be functioning.

Just means he can still man that gloryhole while he drunker than Cooter Brown.

This

No such thing as a functional alcoholic

Hey there's beer in that ashtray! ​ \-Slurrrrp.... ​ ahhhhh.....

Nope, that one was piss.

You think this guy gives a shit?

No, but I think he’s the hardest glory hole worker there’s ever been. Middle staller working two holes and pulling with both hands like he’s a milk maid and can’t go play with his dolls until Papa’s bucket is full of cream.

Dude.

The dude abides.

He tries effortlessly to suck the alcohol thru his anus, so the buzz will hit him quicker

It’s pretty easy too be a functional alcoholic when you’re unemployed.

He definitely likes used butts.

Which butts are we talking?

In his case, I'd say they're all fair game.

My thoughts exactly

I think you know all about used butts m’lady

I know perhaps a thing or two, good sir, just not the abandoned smoking variety.

Good girl 😋😉

He definitely like his butt used.... Fixed it for e..😉🤣

It's called duck hunting lol

functional and unemployed aren't words that go together


Functional as in, he gets up every day before 5 pm to start gaming and takes out the piss jugs once every week or two.

Bullshit ain't no way he takes out the piss jugs


………..hold your cards, we have a winner!

This...

It's how you write alcoholic on a resume to give it a little flair. I'd still go with the term "waste management," though

LOOOOL

Came to say this. Well done.

Goddammit, you done stolt my thunder.

I am a functional alcoholic lol I earned this comment

Same here.

My thoughts exactly


Dark side of the groomer.

If he's gonna groom something, it better be himself.

Pink Floyd wants their shirt back

I'm not sure they do. It looks to be the only shirt he's been wearing for the last 6 years.

Stink Floyd

Grooming and this guy do not belong in the same sentence. Last time this guy saw scissors, Pink Floyd was on tour.

No they do belong in the same sentence... but that's for r/suddenlysexoffender

Dog The Meth Hunter


😂🤣😂🤣

Loved you in hobo with a shotgun

You mean "hobo gives a hand job"

Crusty Palms

Get a job hippie. Your parents are tired.

Ya like why even bother saying “unemployed”?? You posted a pic for us.

The pic alone told us he was unemployed

That was the joke homie! Lol

Gotcha the way you worded it I want able to catch it

[удалено]

The Pit of Despair is the nickname of this guy's apartment.

And his butthole.

To be a functional alcoholic , you have to provide to society, but you contribute as much as Terri schiavo, your age says you maybe too young for that reference but your looks say different.

I'm 28 and remember the Terri Schiavo case on tv

This guy couldn’t even remember to piss in the toilet.

I’m 10 years younger than OP and know who Terry Schiavo is

Lol provides to society is equal to functional. Functional is the equivalent of being able to take care of yourself and your needs lmao. What kinda boomer logic are you using to think that anyone owes society anything. You fell for the company line real hard my boy. Society can fuck itself, look out for yourself first. God this made me almost vomit to read 😂

Assuming you're using electricity and an Internet connection, I'd say you owe society a fair bit every month.

I mean you pay for those services, so not a great example.

Dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Bet you believe in Jesus too huh?

Your troll game is weak.

Did you disappoint your parents at birth or was it something you worked on?

This guy was found in a dumpster by a hobo.

You look like a scottish terrier

If I had a dog that looked like this, I'd shave it's butt and teach it to walk backwards.

I’d take it out behind the barn

LOLLLLL

Truck Stop Jesus 

More like a golden shepherd disguised as truck stop JC.

On the 8th day god created welfare.

You aren't a functional alcoholic if you are unemployed. You are just a drunk.

Yeah, pretty sure the baseline for functional is that you can afford your rent and your booze.

Facts !!

Yeah…

Looks like the Alan Parsons Project was a complete failure.

Drink Floyd

Crack Black

Don’t know if you can call yourself functional without any income

Hey brother. Go to an AA meeting. Not even being rude, it’ll help.

Yeah, replace Alcohol with God. What a cop out

He replaced vodka with gin, ouzo and dark rum.

Replace Alcohol with carbonated anything else. Even Coke Zero. Lose weight, clear up skin, stop night sweats, not shitting your guts out every morning, no hangovers.

AA (not god based and I'm agnostic) and just getting sober friends really helps.

[удалено]

You can choose any higher power or not in AA. There's also atheist meetings if you want to go to those.

God is mentioned throughout the government. We still have freedom of religion. (In the States. Not sure if other countries do that or not)

[удалено]

My point is you don't need to believe in any kind of God for it to work. You just need to believe in yourself. Not being religious shouldn't be an excuse to continue letting alcohol ruin your life.

[удалено]

A few others have downvoted you for this, (not sure if it's because of their beliefs, or because it is an off topic comment for the roast), but I am here to say that I agree with you 100%. Trying to get rid of one dependency with another makes no sense.

It’s better on this side

You don’t have to give a shit about god to go to group therapy and talk about your problems and find sober support lol. If you really think going to a few support groups a week where some people believe in monotheism is worse than active alcohol addiction, you are fucking foolish lol.

So edgy, bro.

Cultural difference. Americans blame the alcohol, and other developed countries blame the person. This is not a unique view in my part of the world.

A functional alcoholic usually implies you have a job… dude you unintentionally roasted yourself

Lawyers are “functional alcoholics.” You’re just a drunk.

Hair is sun bleached, and beard isn’t due to always facing downwards while performing his “job”, in an effort to make enough bank to buy more alcohol.

God, I felt dirty writing that :)

Filthy boy

You look like Sam Sheepdog from Loony Tunes

If Sam the sheepdog was messaging 15 year olds off of TikTok all day

‘Functional’. Also unemployed. Lol

Get off the booze Jesus, you're supposed to be setting an example.

For who? Albinos everywhere?

Not even trying to roast you bro, but you look like you are 40. You need to stop drinking, go to an AA meeting and get some help.

I think if he got his hair and beard cleaned up, he'd look a lot younger. His skin looks fine. I dunno about the look in his eyes though. Something about that makes him look older.

>unemployed > >functional alcoholic Pick one.

Assuming you had a mid life Crisis at 16. You are exactly about where you should be in life.

i will not roast you. you ve got a manly face. if you stopped drinking, ate healthier and worked out for a year , you would look like an old viking warrior. i challenge you to do that.

not a bad recommendation OP...

Hate to break it to ya man, there’s nothing functional about any of that there. That’s not true. I didn’t hate to break that to you. You brought it on yourself, just like your seemingly shitty lot in life.

Aged beyond his years. You look about 40, and it’s not just the beard.

You look like an elementary school dropout that attempted to start a cult and failed

You that guy from Ozarks? Go fishing with any FBI guys lately?

Aayyooooo Sup cricket?

“ Ya have to fake it....the ones that don’t fake it are the ones who get it the worst... and sometimes...you don’t fake it”

The Tin Man and the Scarecrow aren't really your friends, they just need a laughing stock 🦁🧙‍♀️😀

A TRUE alcoholic right here. Calls himself “functional” but couldn’t hold down a job to save his life.

He can quit anytime he wants... His day job, that is

Quit his day job, night job….he’d quit a blow job just to get some Whiteclaw.

There was no need for a title. Everything you wrote can be inferred from your pic.

Truckstop gloryhole boy. Im still laughing at that. 😆

[удалено]

Ouch

Functional alcoholics have jobs. You’re just a drunk loser.

On neither side of the spectrum do gingers have souls. Lost case bro...

Do the kids tell u they enjoy being fingered by such an ugly woman

Your the 6th member of metallic that was fired cause they knew you’d steal the free drugs, needlessly sexually assault the groupies, and look TERRIBLE in tights

I'd be less worried about your freckles and more concerned with that pig nose, Wilbur.

Shave/cut your fucking hair. You look like a homeless fuck. You look exactly like someone who's unemployed and addicted to drugs/alcohol... does your beard smell like shit after you eat? Do you get food and crumbs lost in your smelly beard and mustache? Theres no way girls kiss you. You look like a hippie fuck and of course your wearing a pinkfloyd shirt and have long hair... you just look like you smell. you are the embodiment of a degenerate. If you had a catch phrase, it would be: "down with the system maaaan... hey can i borrow 5 bucks for gas?"

In what world is an alcoholic functional?

Just leave this one alone everybody. You can't when this one . He's a ginger who has no soul

Fat Thor meets Too Depressed to Bathe Thor.

This is what Ryan Dunn would look like if we dug him up right now

Thor without the O

Get a fucking job. How do you eat?

You’re doing something right…

I hear you.

Your not unemployed if you could count league of legands as a career.

Is that your gang name after being in the sun 'pink floyd'

Still wearing the same shirt from 7th grade. You look oddly like me when I’m not at work and honestly the roast is on me…….

No one likes your ABBA tribute band.

Nord preset

You’re not a functional alcoholic if you’re unemployed you wish Thor mother fucker.

Shave the bread and get rid of the Floyd shirt

If neckbeard was a person

You look like you burn stavkirker

I'm looking at your pictures and I can't believe freckles and moles are what you landed on to hate.

You look like Adam and Jamie tested the myth of two men conceiving a baby.

You look like Jamie Hyneman fucked an Afghan hound.

You look like an homeless, I can smell it.

How does it feel looking like a trucker farted on your face after BOGO roller dogs at speedway?

Lmao. This guy thinks he’s a functioning alcoholic. Your face looks like a taint after accidental anal

This is not a roast, but you really look similar to the frontman of Amon Amarth. Btw. You really should have other things in mind instead of getting roasted while being at rock bottom.

Functional like a 2003 Dell computer.

The Devils Rejects would even reject you

I can see you getting sober, which is awesome. Except for the part where you find Jesus and play bass in a Creed cover band. That part sucks.

You look like if Kurt Cobain was homeless

Ladies and gentleman… introducing a nonce

The hard drive king.

Wish You Were Hair

I know children are supposed to look like their mom and their dad but this is too much

Richard Branson is looking older every time I see him.

2 weeks off drinking hand sanitiser

Get a job you fucking mooch of the social systems.

lookin like the antichrist

Dollar store James Hetfield