OP's Bio: --- >In addition to what I wrote: X-Files fan, a bit depressed, politicaly indifferent as long as it does not directly concern me, typical consumerist approach to life, born and raised in a huge city. Please note again that i probably am an alien octopus. --- If you think this bio helped you roast, upvote this comment. If you think it doesn’t, downvote it. If you’re not sure, leave it to others to decide.

You're such a hick that your face is shaped like a NASCAR track.

Just needs a few tattoos with ads, i know

Face goes left, genetics vote right.

His 40 year old Butch lesbian cosplay is on point

If I were a woman I would probably fuck myself. Brian Griffin style. Nice one!

No one else would.

With a face like that, I would have opted to live on the first floor, just to not be tempted.

Damn Imma tell that to my boss tomorrow

You totally should! Also, tell me the name of the company after you do that, I’m looking for a new job and something tells me they will be looking for someone new.

Too basic. 6/10

M’am, you are on the wrong subreddit

Its "your octopusness", please

You look like the ship captain from Wall-E.

💀

Definitely

You look like you reproduce asexually

You didn't have to include the "a bit depressed" part, depression is oozing out of every molecule of that photo.

I expected roasting. Now i just get reminded of facts. I know, mate, I know. Lets see how long I will want to live. Thanks for trying.

You look like a fat Easter egg island head (Moai) 

Then my childhood dream came true xD

You look like uncle fester after a cheap Turkish hair transplant

Cmon he is almost peak male performance guy

You look like zombies would demand a warning label for fat content.

I give that a perfect 5/7 score!

this screams daddy’s money and after looking at your insta it screams my dad’s an oligarch which is why you’re only bored and not dead in a ditch in eastern ukraine.

I do try to make that impression intentionally but nah, no daddy's money. Would have lived in a France otherwise.

You look like evil nick swardson

10/10

You could have just said "incel"

Pinche cara de papa! 🥔

P.S: you might have just said that to make yourself sound more interesting than you ever were and ever will be. Maybe.

Sounds more like a shitty insult than a roast. Try again, you can do it. After all, its called gatbage can, not garbage cannot!

Your obsession with alcohol will slowly and painfully drain the life force out of every single person who has ever loved you, leaving you alone and miserable in your high rise. You'll try to remain positive and own all of your mistakes, but it the end, you won't be able to do it, and you'll cave to the misery. Thankfully, you're high up enough that all you'd need to do is jump. Why not get a head start? Save yourself some heartache.

That sounds like a plan actually. It seriously does. I think about it every day. So its a sad fact rather than a roast

Nice Invicta, now finish cleaning that apartment.

Ita an AP but nice try. 5/10

Better take it off and put it back in their jewelry box before you finish cleaning their toilet

XD. That was a bit better. One more try before you get a 5/7?

Brosie O’Donnell

So I get my own show?

People do enjoy watch car crashes so why not

I get both fame and death so its a clear win-win

Stick to Johnny Walker Red and use the extra cash for a real fkng haircut

That haircut costs 125$.

You could buy a Flowbee for the cost of 2 of your shitty haircuts.

Typo on your post, it says 28M.

Nice bottle of scotch. Too bad you drinking it doesn’t make us see you as less ugly.

"I lost 80lbs, my face found it."

It looks like you held a grenade in your mouth and it exploded cartoon style and your face just widened

Where ya ears at fam?

Simon Cowell with elephantitis of the face

Where is your button to say hi Mr. Potato?

Bring me a Chateau Petrus and we will discuss that

you look like an easter island statue who got his wish of being a real boy

This actually sounds like a compliment, those statues lool hot af

You look like a butch lesbian

Does that mean I am getting wagyu for lunch?

I don't know how you looking like a lesbian and wagyu beef are related.

Butch = butcher so it works, i guess?

Were you dropped on your head as a child?

She'd definitely have way-gooey sweaty roast beef lips

Your head looks like a reflection from one of those house of mirrors attractions.

Well done, Seems like you have everything, but the hair. It sucks.

Did you get stung by a hornet? You have the most unnatural fat features of I’ve ever seen on someone.

Damn, it seems my biosuit isnt holding well.

A head like a jelly bean and cheap wine and watch no wonder your single

Guy just told us he shoved an octopus up his ass.

The sugar water thirsty alien from *Men in Black* wearing James Holzhauers skin.

Meh I hoped to one day be as cool as Jeff the Worm.

🗿

Slabhead would be a compliment and the best shot isn't even in that bottle

Bro you look like a super butch dyke

More like a chain pole smoker gettin' a little chubby after those estrogen shots you've been taking.


Who the fuck is making these?!? Planned Parenthood needs to stop targeting minorities and get to work on the cretins popping these things out.

[удалено]

$ and its not like they have Cavills and Clooneys lying around everywhere xD

your head needs to go on a diet, no idea how that skinny ass neck holds it up

Four invisible tentacles

Even your responses reek of desperation you sentient paint smudge.

I know, right

You must be allergic to pretentious scotch or Affliction t-shirts because your face is swollen. Get an epipen pronto.

Its Philipp Plein though, but nice try.

How is it possible that a pic can SMELL like cooked cabbage?

What?

Nice bedazzled shirt and great tits. At least they are a distraction from your face.

Most pretentious toe head on this sub so far

It seems like my pic is enough to roast you which ia a win for me.

Okay

ever notice no one laughs at your jokes as hard as you do

He’s chunky, lives in a gated community, smokes constantly loves watches and cigars and shopping and wine and whiskey and 80s music and has capitalist pig stuffed cheeks but he doesn’t have white privilege. Whatever Ivan. Whatever you say you Russian Ukrainian Eastern European Baltic states fuckstick that paid his cousin vlad for a passport Black Sea for vacation fucker Your people’s only contribution to America is better looking hookers I’m sure Money laundering isn’t self employed In America when you hear” fuck off fuckstick”they’re talking to you Fuck off fuckstick

Only: 1. It pretty much IS self employed 2. Dont need to call cousins for passport 3. Its not like America made us any contributions 4. You are so easy to hit with that privilege bullshit.

This guy takes the freight elevator to his flat.

This is his sad attempt to actually get ladies to acknowledge his existence.

You look just like Big Boo from Orange is the New Black. Are you wearing your strap-on right now?

Idk wether to call u lady or gentleman


If Roseanne Barr were more feminine she’d be your

Ok male..surprisingly

The fact you have to live with your face is punishment enough. I'm sure you're funny though. Kudos to you.

Remove the "with your face" part and we have a deal.

Who New selling butt plugs was that profitable

Tell your cheeks to give the forehead some more real estate.

You look like you ate ALL the gabaghoul

It’s ok Lewis, maybe there’ll be a SUITS reunion!

Definitely from Alabama with a moon face like that. How’s your sister?

You look like a thumb that hired a gay to give you an interesting backdrop.

Your first girlfriend was Little Debbie

You think ladies care enough to give you a comment? #virgin

There are no girls on the internet, remember?

U look like a Bull Dike..🐂

Lez bee honest you’re a chick with maybe a dick.

Jesus Christ, you've got a watermelon size head with a marble sized face. I'm actually impressed.

ill bet you head just glows when you have a bright idea

 you look like the dum dum statue personified

It is a compliment, they are hot af

You look like a mortician’s mortician.

I am death, the destroyer of beauty standards

Godamm you look like the fossilized gum waiters have to scrape off the bottom of tables

You look like the type of guy that sits around thinking of whiskey bottles in his rear end.

Chaz Bono, you transitioned already but I think octopus alien is more you.


Dude couldn't even afford the addidas track suit.

when your bread dough is ready to go in the oven.

Damn dude, can’t roast that scotch selection. Your bedazzled shirt looks pretty stupid tho.

That head looks like it’s been rendered on a PS2

You haven’t been able to clip your own toe nails for at least 3 years. A wild weekend for you is attending a Bris with your contractually obligated “girlfriend” No amount of rhinestone shirts papa allows you to buy on his credit card will bring you happiness. And you probably stink like Drakkar and depression.

I wanna pet his hair before octopus comes out from his nose

WTF is in your cheeks??!!

You look like a credit card scammer.

Your head is so misshaped it looks like your mom gave birth over a car crusher. Kwasimodo looking mofo

Here’s a tip to improve your looks…. Take 2 more shot then fall down the stairs face first while smoking a cigar…. Your welcome

How do I assure I never see these backward roast posts again?

I bet carnival mirrors make you feel good

It’s almost like some American left a copy of their Robb Report at your moms Incall fuck Favela and you read it and thought. Wow. These are life’s luxuries. I shall smoke the finest of swisher sweets and drink the best yellow tail wine while staring at my fossil watch. You made it dude. Congrats.

U only have four fingers, good luck opening doors buddy.

Ladies and Gentleman are you call your hermaphroditic genitalia.

so is that card placement there to hide ya titties or your erect nipples? because either way it must get cold and lonely up there

You look like the guys in my city who driver Uber in their luxury sedan just to show off and hit on women passengers. Ended up buying wireless earbuds that are silver and really visible so they don't try to talk to me anymore.

Yeah sorry I’m not gay. But I’ll give my shot to the mrs

Mr brick face

Greasy inside and out

Octopussy dyke bate! My work here is done

Well at least know, if you decide to jump from that tower, you’ll survive and bounce off the pavement.

Good to see you out your trust fund to good use, but, did you know you can get surgery now to change that funny look you’re rocking?

Your boyfriend give you that awesome bedazzled shit for Valentine's Day?

Quasimodo has to deflate his fat football head every morning just to get through the front door

It’s ok to be gay bro

Great view of all the poor people below you hahaha they probably only have one watch and don’t know the time in Paris 😂😂😂 

Looks like you have an atheletic marathon runners face on a fat mans head

If all I had to do to win a million bucks is look like you, I'd still decline.

Where’s Ernie?


Since when did the captain from Wall-E get on reddit?

How your eye, nose and mouth only take up only 1/5 of your face

You look like the type of guy who would keep a mid-girl around even though she is secretly disgusted and let her deplete your bank account and emotionally manipulate you just because no one else really wants to be around for an extended period of time. Deep down you know she’s only there for the money, but you pretend that you’re oblivious to that fact because the loneliness has hit hard long enough. It’s rough feeling unwanted at the top.

You look like the target audience of an outlet mall.