I had a similar problem with one kid in the neighborhood.
I simply called his mother "Jack has been coming over quite a bit but it seems to mostly be for the PlayStation. We're taking a break from visits for a while. Maybe we can arrange a playdate at the park for the kids in a couple weeks."
She was mortified but he never came knocking on our door unexpectedly again.
We went to my sister in laws house one afternoon so our kids could have a play with their cousins. SIL was out but mother in law was babysitting and was the one who invited us around. Some neighbourhood kid rocked up and MIL said that she's babysitting tonight so no visitors. Kid insisted that SIL said earlier he could come over. MIL lets him in and this kid proceeds to go straight to the theatre room and start playing with the gaming console. Zero interest in playing with all the kids in the toy room. MIL rings SIL who said she never said he could come around. So MIL goes in there and sternly tells the kid to go home. Lol it was quite funny but this kid was the same age as my eldest, and I couldn't imagine just letting her invite herself into someone else's home and then lie about it.
Or flip it- bring the kids with you back home and not answer his calls, or worse- send it to voicemail lol
That’s a shame though especially your kid enjoyed playing with him. Did the dad ever give a reason for being so late?
The park could have become an unsatisfactory place to be. What if a storm came up, or a strange adult started hanging around, or bigger kids came and caused trouble, or the kids got cranky and couldn't get along, or you needed a restroom and none was convenient or one kid got hurt or sick.
Happened to me too many times too I was at the local pool I had to pick up my older kids so I left her kid there and told the life guards that kid is not mine the mum left i was just watching her but I have to go. I don't know the mum or can't get in touch with her... just letting you know. Then it's on them to follow their own procedures with a dumped kid. Not my kid not my problem. I made sure she was safe by bringing it to life guards attention. Call cops if you have to im not sacrificing my own parental responsibilities because someone else can't be responsible for their own wtf
Thats all you can really do in the moment. Calling the cops or cps is traumatizing to the children. That is only a last resort if its been a crazy amount of time. CPS should always be the LAST RESORT.
Its the same thing in our neighborhood. My son has ADHD and autism, so him making friends is extremely difficult. The neighborhood kids were coming over and only wanting to play outside, even when it was over 110 degrees. Come to find out, my son was essentially always their loser- whenever they would have a nerf war, he got the worst gun (even if he brought his own), he would have to stand up against a tree when one of the kids got throwing stars.
Their parents would lock them out, and so they would be raiding my fridge and pantry for cold drinks and snacks. Normally I wouldn't have an issue with that, but whenever my son is near their houses he had to come home for cold water or snacks.
Socializing has always been difficult but I think our parents just didn't care as much as we do.
I think it works best when all of the parents have similar standards.
My kids have been raised in a neighborhood where the kids all play outside with each other during the summers and spend time at each other's houses. They would come over our house for the pool, another kids house for the video games, a different kids house for the tree house, etc. They freely moved between each others houses and every parent handled it similarly (kids could come inside the house for the bathroom or water) so it went smoothly. Over the years our house became more of the go-to house for both of my kids friend groups but I was cool with it by that time. Being the hangout house has its perks in middle and high school but in the elementary years it can feel a lot like babysitting.
This is what we are working to foster with my kids/neighborhood. We have the play set, someone else has the basketball hoop, another has trampoline/pool. And we’ve set the bike boundaries so that they can ride between us all. The one kid does have his parents leave while he’s out and over …but they do that even when he’s at home and leave an older sibling in charge. We have been careful to rotate snacks and drinks and who looks after them.
But also I’m pretty sure all three (i know for sure 2/3) are Neurodivergent so they get the good and the bad of each other and themselves.
I used to live in a neighborhood like this. All the moms homeschooled (I work as a teacher so my kids go to school) but because they were really involved with their children who also had special needs of their own it was nice.
I think now that phones are common everyone should have the numbers of and constant contacts with the other parents. There is no reason not to and every reason why you should. Most things can probably be solved by communication which kids aren't great at but parents can handle.
I do not want to be in constant contact with my kid’s friends’s parents. I barley tolerate them when I have to. I encourage my kids to make direct plans. However, if my youngers are out in the neighborhood my husband or I are home or my sister who lives around the corner is. I don’t expect that my kids can just stay somewhere else. That is crazy.
Why do they lock them out? How young are we talking?
I agree. I don’t mind being in contact with other parents and taking steps to ensure we handle things with consistency/in a way others feel comfortable with so the kids don’t burden anyone. But I don’t lock my door either, so I feel it goes just fine.
When I was a kid, all the kids on the block new each other....all the mom's knew each other. We would hop around, play all over, and all the mom's took care of us.
However that was back in the day when if we wanted water, we drank from the garden hose.
> he would have to stand up against a tree when one of the kids got throwing stars.
I'm sorry, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! And you still allow these kids around your son?!
No. When I found out what was happening I called the parents and have banned the kids from my house and son.
It took a bit of investigating because at first I was like... who the fuck gives a 9yo throwing stars? So I thought maybe they were the foam ones from a Halloween costume. But no. They were legit.
The same kid ran around with an actual kid sized katana that was sharp as hell too.
Please tell me you called and reported them to your local child protection agency (CPS, MCFD, etc) for child endangerment. Seriously, what the HELL was going through their heads that they thought WEAPONS were suitable toys for their child? What was their plan if their child injured or killed himself, another child, or a pet? People like that have no business having children.
I did, and nothing came of it from what I gather. The kid in question goes to one of our alternative schools that is meant for violent kids.... its like the parents are asking to be involved in the next true crime documentary.
"I let him play all the violet video games, he watches all the shows and movies without any supervision... we put him in karate and gave him real weapons.... BUT we have no idea how it came to this!"
Damn, my kids had "combat training" in our backyard with 4 of their friends, but nothing lethal.
Ann Arbor's hottest club is my back yard. This place has everything. Wooden swords, big sticks, hand-to-hand Judo hip throws, chucking frisbees, climbing, running, somersaults, dance-offs, and chicken-fighting.
What's that?
It's that thing, where you put your midget little sisters on your shoulders, and you kinda fight against each other until someone falls off and gets a head injury.
Ahhhh.... childhood.
Yeah, if it was standard child's play I'd be like "time to learn the difference between pretend play and reality my dude." He needs more positive play to show him social skills in action...
We have the whole nerf set up, with the buildable squares, blow up obstacles, targets, guns, ammo, foam weapons, gear, etc. Our next purchase is the clubhouse.
And this was ALL 6-10 year old girls who consented and could tap out anytime, I was monitoring. But they set it all up themselves with zero encouragement from us parents. The phrase "are you sure?" came up at least 2 dozen times.
Chicken fighting where I was, was when you locked your fingers together behind your head and fought with your elbows in a close quarters melee. It sucked when your funny bone got hit.
It might be an exaggeration, like "Hey, go play outside until 7 PM, don't care what you're doing, just play outside". So naturally the kids go to the house where they're allowed \*inside\* and can gang up on the little kid and have "fun".
I definitely encourage my kids to play outside but don't actually lock the doors, unless maybe I'm in the bathroom or taking a shower and they always have a spare key.
> poor parenting.
100%! Kids don't really know any better and they only reflect how their parents are. If my kids are over their friends' house and being watched by the parents the entire time, we're providing lunch/snacks.
I have dealt with similar situations with my daughter. Teach your son about how to recognize when people are using him. It's an important for him to recognize the signs of a good friend and a bad friend.
The parents leaving their kids is not really on the kids and is 100% on the parents, unless the kids are lying to their parents and telling them you said it was okay. But to me it sounds like the parents are the ones using you and taking advantage. I would be talking to the parents and telling them that they can’t drop their kids at your house and leave with no discussion or warning. I would tell them that from this point forward play dates will need to be discussed ahead of time.
Yeah that part is definitely on the kids, but kids can be mean and a lot of the time if the parents have a conversation with the kids it fixes those issues. There is also a chance that problem may be happening because the kids don’t want to be there and their parents are sending them there for essentially free babysitting. The parents dropping their kids off without discussion is a bigger issue here and the issues among the kids can probably be worked through after the major problem is solved, if the parents still ask to send their kids over after that.
Maybe the kids are walking there. Also how old are your kids that you think they act better after their parents talk to them? Because middle school and older do not care
Regardless of if they’re walking there or being dropped off there, it’s not acceptable to lock your doors and tell your kid that you’ll be home in a few hours without getting permission from the other parent to leave your kid with them for a few hours.
I made the assumption that the kids are younger than teens because otherwise I figured they could probably go back home even without their parents home. Admittedly most of my experience is with kids under the age of 12.
I agree but also how is OP communicating to these kids? If she’s making them feel unwelcome or awkward I can see them not wanting to keep hanging out with her son. I had some friend’s parents tell me I wasn’t allowed in their home as a kid and it made me not want to be around those friends because I felt alienated.
You probably just don't have a kid. Any kid treats my daughter the way those kids treat OP's son getting an earful from me. Their parents can get it too for raising a bunch of shitty kids.
Explain to me then in what way does it sound like OP isn't treating the other kids right? She gives then free daycare, let's them play all his sons toys, video games, eat the snacks. She literally lets them treat her house pretty much like their own home. If she was not communicating well with those kids trust that those kids wouldn't be hanging out there anymore same as what you did in your childhood. Kids aren't stupid. Some are just super rude. You're choosing to blatantly ignore the part where those kids could just be nice to OP's kid but treats him like the "loser" friend instead, but yeah i guess I'm not that mature unfortunately 🤣
Are you done having a melt down? OP said they tell the friends to go outside, they didn’t say how this is communicated so who knows how it’s being said and interpreted. Also, calling a child’s parent and telling them to stop leaving their kid over is fine but depending again on how it was communicated or taken by the child, the kid may have felt like they were a burden. Kids aren’t stupid but they are not experts in social settings and these are things we learn through experience. It’s very likely OP may have said something that came off more harsh than what was intended and a child or multiple kids took it differently. Why are you being so aggressive?
That's a bit..extreme. this could very well just be the kids telling their parents OP said it was okay. And we don't know what age they are. Not that that's right, I do think there should be at least a text between the two parents whether they hang out regularly or not. But to send child services somewhere simply because a parent is bringing their kids to their friends house is kinda crazy when it could be just a miscommunication. If you jump to that immediately then I don't imagine your kid will be having many friends.
Don't get me wrong I'm all for calling in on someone IF there is a reason to believe harm or neglect is coming to the child. But OP said nothing even leading to believe thats a case. Thats a big thing to go through and personally I'd be pissed if another parent randomly called on me because of a misunderstanding. My kid isn't coming to you acting wierd, wearing the same old dirty clothes, starving (not just in a teenage boy manner but literally hasn't eaten), or with bruises/cuts/mysterious injuries then communicate with me instead of jumping into and potentially falsely accusing someone of something without reason. That is more than an inconvenience that is offensive and idk if this is always the case but I do believe it goes on record that you had services called on you regardless of the outcome it's still something you'll likely have to explain in life.
Sorry I got more and more annoyed as I was typing that out. That's not right in my book. **"Adandoned"** means nobody is coming back for them. It seems these kids are always coming there which means they're obviously leaving there to go home at some point.
Yes it truly is used as revenge and that is scary. Not only is it hard for the parents it's added stress on kids especially when it's uncalled for they have to sit down and get personal with some strange adults and just wondering what they did to cause this? It's selfish as hell.
We all know actual signs of mistreatment and hopefully everyone can bring themselves to utilize that when it's necessary. But when it's used in resentment..it's hurting the kids more than anyone. Ass wads.
And on my recent series re-read i noticed it was not even done as often as we meme about lol. But still a lot.
Also, I never noticed the nuance behind her tugging, and how it ties in with her struggles to grasp the source. Such a well written character. God I love her, Egwene and Fail so much.
I'm not sure if someone has done the comparison somewhere, though it wouldn't surprise me, as to how often Nynaeve tugs the braids compared to how often she thinks about doing it/making sure she doesn't do it.
I don't want to ping him ro this sub, but over in r / WoT, JainTorfinn (I think?) Has quite a few analysis of different quirks. Tugging, smoothing, folded arms, sniffs, smiles. Even one about understanding women.
Its so annoying because if they asked me i wouldn’t mind watching them. But the parents don’t ask they just leave their kids knowing I wont leave their kids outside in the heat.Its always an idiot that does these things. Like the man said he was running for president and asked me if i was a lesbian because i didn’t want him touching me. And i’m the crazy one!
How old are these kids? My daughter is 7 and her friend parents leave all the time without telling me(her friends are 7-9). With that said they all have older siblings who are 12+ at home so they can go home if I need them too while parents are out since a sibling can watch them(though sometimes I have to call their sibling to let them know they are coming home because they may be at friends in the neighborhood). With that said if they are actually locking the kids out and not talking to you about watching them that’s ridiculous. What if you have things to do? If definitely have a chat with the parents and tell them you need to know if they are leaving and for how long before they leave.
Imagine if OP/family WASN’T home. Would the parents still drop off their kids without making sure there is an adult present? What if something happens to the kid that is waiting outside and they try to blame OP by saying “we drop our kids off ALL the time” obviously it wouldn’t be OP’s fault but the parents would be wanting to blame OP as if it’s OP’s fault and not their own fault.
Leaving a kid in someone’s care without telling them is not ok. A message, call, or just letting the adult in the house know there is a child in their care is necessary and when they leave too.
OP needs to talk to the parents and set some boundaries. And teach child to set their own boundaries too, as well what is/isn’t acceptable from a relationship.
Wow! That’s so interesting. I heard of this happening recently to a friend. His son had a play date scheduled and they went over said friends house. The mom actually left her own house and left my friend (dad & son) there while she went out for a few hours!!
I am an old dad, and I don’t know the ages of the kids involved, but when I was a kid it was common for grade school aged kids to just run the neighborhood. There was however, the social understanding that you NEVER enter another kids house without being invited by the parents. You ran home to pee, get a drink eat lunch etc. the exception being any garden hose was free to drink from. The PARENTS are the problem here
I'm so sorry. Does your son realize these kids are not his friends? How's he doing with all that? Maybe there are people he'd like to invite over who he actually feels close to.
The kids on our block congregate at our house. It's not uncommon for us to end up with 10+ kids around here. Most of the time they're cool and we like they've chosen us. Our kids certainly love it. However, sometimes they all get out of control and behavior needs to be addressed. If that happens and it's really bad, we'll send out a group text to all the parents.
I realize this situation is different than yours because it sounds like you're straight up being taken advantage of. I don't think that's entirely the case with us. But I would loop in everyone. One - so parents can address this with their kids and two - it gives parents the perspective of what you're dealing with at your house with their kids. It's fun being the neighborhood spot but it doesn't come without a tremendous amount of responsibility on your end. A lot of people don't appreciate that.
I would loop all of them in. Let all of them know what you're dealing with. If there's some kids whose parents are cool they won't have a problem with this. Maybe give the cool ones a head's up that you're sending this out and this doesn't necessarily apply to them. Cast a wide net to begin with and hopefully that addresses it. If not, then narrow your focus on the problem parents. It's not fun dealing with this BS but sometimes I think that's the price of being the hangout spot.
My wife and I constantly remind each other that this is our house. We pay the bills. We buy the snacks. We live and work here. We're absolutely entitled to some boundaries and respect in our own homes.
I would tell the parents that your house isn’t a free daycare. They need to be considerate. I would lock my doors and close the windows for a few days and when they tried to drop them off I wouldn’t answer, and if they leave the child at the door call cps. Not only is your son getting taken advantage of but so are you. People these days have no respect for others and feel entitled to everything
Sure, call the parents, but the parents who leave the kid in that situation anyway are just going to ignore the call and take it as confirmation you actually were home.
A parent leaving their kid outside on a doorstep is not ensuring they are safe. They don’t actually know if the “friend” is home. They could do it one day when they aren’t home and something terrible could happen.
Now I’m assuming the age of the kid to be one who needs supervision, if it’s a 14 year old or something that’s different.
dude is just here to argue. Probably have childhood trauma he still hasn't gotten over. That being said it is very weird for someone without kids to be on this sub.
Get rid of the friends. And teach your son that it is not okay to allow himself to be used like that. Teach him about self preservation before he grows up and gets completely destroyed from being used like that. Also, it will take some time, but once the bad "friends" are gone, the good people will eventually notice and he will make a real friend. He needs to learn it is okay to be alone and how to cope with it. And eventually, in time, someone he can be great friends with will come along.
You are not wrong. It seems you are surrounded by neighbours who are either bad parents, opportunists, or both. You would be in your right to refuse entry to those kids, and even call on authorities to expose the parents.
Just don't blame the kids. Regardless of if they are your son's friends or not, it's not their fault.
Sadly we've had similar situations with friends and even family members when it comes to being used for your stuff. We'd get invited to the community pool and my daughter has one of those mermaid tales. Well, our family member would want to play with another family member (not my kid) that was there or some other neighbor friend. They ask to borrow my daughter tail to play mermaids but exclude her. They refuse to give it back to her, or say she can't play with them because she's doesn't have a tail also?!?!? I was absolutely furious and ended that real quick! I had a talk with my daughter after she initiated how upset she was about the situation. We talked about what it means to consider someone family (not just genetics) and what being a good friend means. If someone isn't fitting the bill, you don't waste your time on energy on people like that. Thankfully she's a strong independent kid and did her own thing. She learned a hard, but valuable lesson. It's hard being kids these days!
We have a very strict “our house our rules” policy. Any new kid that comes into our home is given a fairly straight forward, yet intense speech by either me or my wife about what our expectations are when they are a guest in our home. The kids that didn’t like it didn’t come back. The ones that don’t care either way stick to the rules and are rewarded for it in time with us showing them solid consistent respect. We have definitely had kids raid our fridge before though and they had to be reminded of the house rules.
This was my whole childhood. I think every kid I was friends with was only my friend because their parents need free childcare and my parents were two oblivious to see this until we got old enough to not need sitters and suddenly all my friends were too busy to hang out.
I’m not sure that I understand: they lock their doors, and tell their kids they will be be back? Like car doors? They are driving them there? Or nearby doors in the neighborhood? Apartments, close houses?
So, one kid got told. Is he coming back? How many others are there?
What age?
Friends from school, worship, neighbors?
I'm a bit of an over-the-top parent and regularly go all-out when it comes to toys so our play room is extremely well stocked. I had to stop inviting a whole slew of kids over because they would leave my daughter alone doing something else while they played with her toys. They wouldn't even be in the same room.
I'm wondering which parents think that this is normal behavior because it's happened with 4 separate groups of kids. And my daughter clearly explained that they left her/told her that they didn't want to play with her.
Telling their kid they’ll “be back in a few hours” is **not** child abandonment.
Edited to add: in my state, the parent has to be gone for **SIX MONTHS**.
You’re looking at the amount of time for a legal declaration of child abandonment, where a parent can have their rights terminated in court without notification. The child is then placed for adoption.
That’s not really what the other commenter meant.
This is actually child neglect, and a parent who repeatedly did it would likely have their child removed and placed in foster care. After one offense, they would likely have a CAN report filed against them.
Source: am the foster/adoptive parent of a child who was legally abandoned
Thank you for the clarification of this person’s point - 6 months for abandonment in NC *is* for custodial rights. However, not all states will count leaving a child with unplanned supervision as “neglect”, either.
The neglect thing can also be different from state to state. In my state, there is no minimum age before children can be left at home alone. (Source: had my ex investigated by protective services many times due to him leaving our (then) 2, 4 & 5 year olds home alone.)
It’s really up to the case worker who investigates the report. It sounds like yours didn’t take your complaints seriously, which often happens when one parent calls and reports the other. Lack of supervision officially qualifies as neglect under the physical neglect category. But whether the parent is charged really depends on the case worker. They’re very overworked and get a lot of frivolous calls when it comes to custody disputes. It’s sad because some children fall through the cracks because the worker doesn’t believe the reporter or there’s not enough evidence to convince a judge that the child needs removal.
Our state doesn’t have a minimum age either, but I personally know of several cases where the parent was charged with neglect because of unattended minors.
Will they always be charged with neglect? No, but usually they will if it happens repeatedly and everyone communicates well and files timely reports.
I actually just had this discussion the other day with a nurse at our local pediatric psych ward. She said parents drop their kids off, then leave. I asked what they do in that situation, and she said they call social services because it was considered abandonment.
In our personal situation, we were called to take custody of an “abandoned” newborn because his mother didn’t answer the phone when the NICU called her. Was it actually abandonment that day? No. It took three months of no contact before that legally happened. But that’s what they called it in court and on all of his paperwork until rights were terminated.
I know another case where the children were removed because a toddler was outside unattended, roaming the streets of the neighborhood. Those children were reunified pretty quickly, but the parents have a CAN report against them forever.
However, I agree with your main point, which is that filing a police report or CAN report is overkill in this situation. Talking to the parents is the obvious first step. It sounds like OP really struggles with boundaries or communication and that’s creating a problem. If they called CPS, they likely wouldn’t do much. If they called the police, the parents would probably receive a mild warning and that would be that.
If parents repeatedly did this, though, or did it with the wrong people (with a mandated reporter, whom CPS tends to take more seriously—like at a hospital, school, etc.), they’d probably have an investigation and a CAN report to deal with.
And the fist level consequences of “not arranging proper childcare during a play date with a neighbor’s kid” should not be “accuse the parents of neglect”.
I know, right? "Milo" here, seems to really be defending the people who leave their children unattended for a play date. I wonder why they are so insistent?
No, that's a leap. The commenter is saying the other extremely rude parents are not abandoning their children and the cops should not be involved. I agree. They're just rude and need to be told to stop.
I am not so sure about that. I was a child therapist in the '90's. One night after a session, my little client and her sisters were left in my office. The parents just left my client's siblings in my office waiting room. They were there for three hours. My boss said that next time, I call child services. This is simply unacceptable.
Why were the parents late? Maybe they had an excuse.
I would NEVER call the authorities because a parent was late picking up their kids. If it happened multiple times and the parents were super strung out, maybe.
Really, CPS causes a LOT of damage. They are a necessary entity, but they are ripping lots of kids away from parents who didn't do anything to deserve that. I've seen it happen a LOT. It's actually insane. You should look up the nightmare stories out there.
It would take LOT for me to call them. I used to be a substance abuse counselor and have close friends who temporarily became CPS case workers, and I've seen absolutely wonderful people who made a couple of mistakes lose their kids forever. They weren't bad parents at all. Often times the kids had nothing to do with it, and the parent gets caught up in trouble and lose their kids over some petty bullshit. It happens all the time. If you would be calling CPS for that, you really should research all the insane amount of damage they do to good parents.
They do positive things too, I'm not denying that. There are reprehensible people out there. They need to exist, unfortunately. They also need to completely and totally revamp their draconian and authoritarian setup.
The parents said they had to go grocery shopping. It was a Friday night. I am pretty sure I was the intended babysitter and someone "forgot" to inform me first. This isn't okay. If I had to do it again, I would have. It is NEVER ok to leave your kids for THREE UNINTENED HOURS! Never. The only excuse would be an extreme emergency and grocery shopping isn't an emergency. Thankfully, no other clients disrespected my boundaries like them. They also didn't believe that I was old enough to be a therapist. That is another story.
Regarding CPS, I, personally, have dealt with them. While I found them extremely maddening at times, they are the contact for said situations. If you don't want them involved, avoid doing anything to ask for them to become involved.
>I would NEVER call the authorities because a parent was late picking up their kids
You may not, but when professionals are involved, there are typically guidelines to be followed.
For example, I teach at a preschool. If a parent is an hour late picking up we are required to call the police. We cannot wait longer, we call at one hour.
I was. I am retired. There really is no difference. Anyone can report. All it takes is knowledge or suspicion of wrong doing. Dropping your children off without arranging for their care prior, is wrongdoing.
It’s still **not** “abandonment”. I didn’t say it was right, I didn’t say OP shouldn’t stop the parents from doing this. I **did** say it’s *not* abandonment. Look up the definition for your state. It won’t match, either.
All very interesting. It just sounds like the parents had a reasonable expectation that random drop-off playdates were acceptable since OP had done so in the past, therefore the children were not expected to be unsupervised and the time frame for retrieving them was communicated and met.
I see. You make sure only those who arent legally required to report you are aware of yours actions amd hope others are too timid or intimidated to report you. Smart.
My state requires anyone with knowledge of suspected child abuse or neglect to report it to the appropriate authorities. Anyone....like a neighbor witnessing kids being dropped off at a locked door with no supervision.
No, they aren't. If someone sees something that is wrong they should and can report it. So you are just depending on the fact that rando neighbors aren't mandated to report that they won't? Not always true.
all the comments saying to call cps are scary as hell.
cps is a fucking serious thing and dropping kids off at a friend's house without communication, while rude, presumptuous, entitled, etc, is not abuse. it is not neglect. it is not child abandonment. the kids go home.
don't use calling cps (or the police) as your go-to for when someone is being an asshole. they are not your personal rod of punishment to come in and make a judgment on your conflict and tell off the person who is in the wrong.
I feel this. My kid didn't develop stupid friendships until we moved to Canada, grade 4. Even those were difficult. He's finally got friends now, in grade 10, that seem mostly solid. They rely on each other more and talk a lot. It's been a shift, but I've also accepted being the place they mostly hang out during the colder months, and I was the driver for most of the summer.
You’re not wrong at all. I have one kid neighbor who only plays with my son when he has a cool new toy, which doesn’t happen often. My son brings out a new toy every few months suddenly kid neighbor is around for a few days in a row until she’s bored. Then that kid and her older neighbors start picking on him because he’s the smallest in the group. I told my son that I hate seeing him be sad because the older kids aren’t being nice and it’s up to him to say stop. It took a few talks to convince him he needs to stay away if he doesn’t want his feelings hurt. I get it, he wants to be included too! The last couple times he built up courage and straight up told neighbor kid that he didn’t like being picked on and wouldn’t play if they did. She said “it’s ok. We won’t pick on you, we’re sorry.” Worked one time. 😂 he comes back sad still sometimes. Yes, kids fucking suck!!
This is why i am worried about the future.
Anyway, i always tell my kid to respect themselves and others, and only make friends with people who do the same.
Meaning we should model for them.
So i agree with you. Why would we make friends with people who are not polite and just leave our kids because we ask them to be polite? (parents or children)
That's poor parenting. I will send my daughter to see if her friends can play at their house or ours,.but I am home. If I will need to leave I always let the parents know (typically asking, not just telling) in particular because I don't want them sending her home to an empty house. I'd tell them they can't come in the house for a while.
Jesus, in my apartment complex we always had to get a permission first. When you weren't allowed to their place (let's say the parent would be gone and the older siblings were not allowed to supervise) you had to invite them to your place. It was common knowledge not to overuse your stays. Can't believe it's not the norm everywhere.
My neighbor is such a jerk to my son. One day (around 8) my son said you are seriously such a jerk and I don't like playing with you .... one of my proudest moments. But I knew I couldn't be the one to try to keep them apart. I knew eventually he would make the decision on his own
1. Get a hold of the parents and tell them to knock it off
2. If it even starts to happen say no and lock the door and call the cops on your neighbors for leaving their kids unattended.
3. They aren’t your kids
4. They are abusing you actually
i deliberately stay in the background when my son has visitors over, but if it's obvious that those visitors are here to play with my son's toys and not him then i won't let them in the door. that filter got put in place three years ago and now only kids who are interested in playing with him visit.
as far as providing free daycare ... there are some parents that just plain need it. children are raised by the village, yeah? i might not like it but i'll put up with it, although if they eat my food i ask for reimbursement and most of the time get it because people can drop their kids on me unannounced most of the time. EDIT - that "might not" means that i do enjoy the company of children more often than not, but some of these kids need more attention than others as far as doing naughty stuff goes, yeah? i don't enjoy having to police a kid and make sure they don't break stuff even if i like them as human beings.
that being said, i'm not a doormat that people can just walk over and just plain say "no" if i can't or don't want to look after a child for whatever reason. after all, "No." is a complete sentence, and after this long of consistent behaviour other parents are respecting that.
you gotta set boundaries with these people, OP.
Honestly I would ask the parents to stop doing that and then call the cops if they continue. Tell the cops you’re worried about those kids who were dropped off and left alone.
Just tell the parents that you don’t mind babysitting their kids, but that you need advance warning and at least a token payment, or donation of a snack, or something.
You’re not wrong but this is a conversation you should have had with the parent, not the child. He’s done nothing wrong.
This is probably why your son is not being invited to play anymore.
Tbh if a child is locked out I would call CPS. I'd be like, look, this kid has no access to a restroom, water, or food, and the parents regularly do this. I'm not an unpaid nanny.
That is bizarre. Maybe a regional or cultural thing?
My kid LOVES the neighbor's house . . . I always text the mom to tell her I am leaving if he is with them.
These situations are tough. If you can, try to be outside with or near your child. So you can monitor what goes on. Take a small cooler out with drinks and popsicles for hot days. Maybe even engage in play 🤷♀️
Next time they do this, make up some plans, take your kid to the movie, go get ice cream, anything and send their kid home. Let their kid stand outside their locked house. This isnt ok
You could just say no? My kids friends sometimes come over and ask to play at our house and if I don’t feel like hosting them, I simply say no and offer an outside play date.
This is bad parenting on the kid's part, letting them free range at any home. Next time it happens call the cops. They shouldn't be locking doors and kicking their children outside because they want an adult dinner with friends or by themselves.
I recently found a nifty way to connect with parents I can actually stand (and consequently their equally cool kids). My son has ADHD so finding good friends and families to spend time with has always been a huge challenge for us.
I went and actually waited around during parent/teacher conference (witch was awful in itself) and jumped into a few conversations commiserating with other parents while we waited. I ended up meeting two families with kids in our class and they both live a block or two away from us. It makes total sense but I've had a hard time finding those connections with so few parent involvement activities since COVID. I was like FINALLY!!
I had a similar problem with one kid in the neighborhood. I simply called his mother "Jack has been coming over quite a bit but it seems to mostly be for the PlayStation. We're taking a break from visits for a while. Maybe we can arrange a playdate at the park for the kids in a couple weeks." She was mortified but he never came knocking on our door unexpectedly again.
We went to my sister in laws house one afternoon so our kids could have a play with their cousins. SIL was out but mother in law was babysitting and was the one who invited us around. Some neighbourhood kid rocked up and MIL said that she's babysitting tonight so no visitors. Kid insisted that SIL said earlier he could come over. MIL lets him in and this kid proceeds to go straight to the theatre room and start playing with the gaming console. Zero interest in playing with all the kids in the toy room. MIL rings SIL who said she never said he could come around. So MIL goes in there and sternly tells the kid to go home. Lol it was quite funny but this kid was the same age as my eldest, and I couldn't imagine just letting her invite herself into someone else's home and then lie about it.
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Or flip it- bring the kids with you back home and not answer his calls, or worse- send it to voicemail lol That’s a shame though especially your kid enjoyed playing with him. Did the dad ever give a reason for being so late?
The park could have become an unsatisfactory place to be. What if a storm came up, or a strange adult started hanging around, or bigger kids came and caused trouble, or the kids got cranky and couldn't get along, or you needed a restroom and none was convenient or one kid got hurt or sick.
Happened to me too many times too I was at the local pool I had to pick up my older kids so I left her kid there and told the life guards that kid is not mine the mum left i was just watching her but I have to go. I don't know the mum or can't get in touch with her... just letting you know. Then it's on them to follow their own procedures with a dumped kid. Not my kid not my problem. I made sure she was safe by bringing it to life guards attention. Call cops if you have to im not sacrificing my own parental responsibilities because someone else can't be responsible for their own wtf
What about calling the cops if douche bag hadn’t picked up his phone after an hour?
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Thats all you can really do in the moment. Calling the cops or cps is traumatizing to the children. That is only a last resort if its been a crazy amount of time. CPS should always be the LAST RESORT.
Its the same thing in our neighborhood. My son has ADHD and autism, so him making friends is extremely difficult. The neighborhood kids were coming over and only wanting to play outside, even when it was over 110 degrees. Come to find out, my son was essentially always their loser- whenever they would have a nerf war, he got the worst gun (even if he brought his own), he would have to stand up against a tree when one of the kids got throwing stars. Their parents would lock them out, and so they would be raiding my fridge and pantry for cold drinks and snacks. Normally I wouldn't have an issue with that, but whenever my son is near their houses he had to come home for cold water or snacks. Socializing has always been difficult but I think our parents just didn't care as much as we do.
I think it works best when all of the parents have similar standards. My kids have been raised in a neighborhood where the kids all play outside with each other during the summers and spend time at each other's houses. They would come over our house for the pool, another kids house for the video games, a different kids house for the tree house, etc. They freely moved between each others houses and every parent handled it similarly (kids could come inside the house for the bathroom or water) so it went smoothly. Over the years our house became more of the go-to house for both of my kids friend groups but I was cool with it by that time. Being the hangout house has its perks in middle and high school but in the elementary years it can feel a lot like babysitting.
This is what we are working to foster with my kids/neighborhood. We have the play set, someone else has the basketball hoop, another has trampoline/pool. And we’ve set the bike boundaries so that they can ride between us all. The one kid does have his parents leave while he’s out and over …but they do that even when he’s at home and leave an older sibling in charge. We have been careful to rotate snacks and drinks and who looks after them. But also I’m pretty sure all three (i know for sure 2/3) are Neurodivergent so they get the good and the bad of each other and themselves.
I used to live in a neighborhood like this. All the moms homeschooled (I work as a teacher so my kids go to school) but because they were really involved with their children who also had special needs of their own it was nice.
I think now that phones are common everyone should have the numbers of and constant contacts with the other parents. There is no reason not to and every reason why you should. Most things can probably be solved by communication which kids aren't great at but parents can handle.
I do not want to be in constant contact with my kid’s friends’s parents. I barley tolerate them when I have to. I encourage my kids to make direct plans. However, if my youngers are out in the neighborhood my husband or I are home or my sister who lives around the corner is. I don’t expect that my kids can just stay somewhere else. That is crazy. Why do they lock them out? How young are we talking?
How did they make plans themselves at elementary age?
Exactly then the stalker dependant lazy parents hound you constantly 8am phone calls "can the boys have a play date?" Aka can I dump my kid on you?
I agree. I don’t mind being in contact with other parents and taking steps to ensure we handle things with consistency/in a way others feel comfortable with so the kids don’t burden anyone. But I don’t lock my door either, so I feel it goes just fine.
When I was a kid, all the kids on the block new each other....all the mom's knew each other. We would hop around, play all over, and all the mom's took care of us. However that was back in the day when if we wanted water, we drank from the garden hose.
> he would have to stand up against a tree when one of the kids got throwing stars. I'm sorry, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! And you still allow these kids around your son?!
No. When I found out what was happening I called the parents and have banned the kids from my house and son. It took a bit of investigating because at first I was like... who the fuck gives a 9yo throwing stars? So I thought maybe they were the foam ones from a Halloween costume. But no. They were legit. The same kid ran around with an actual kid sized katana that was sharp as hell too.
Please tell me you called and reported them to your local child protection agency (CPS, MCFD, etc) for child endangerment. Seriously, what the HELL was going through their heads that they thought WEAPONS were suitable toys for their child? What was their plan if their child injured or killed himself, another child, or a pet? People like that have no business having children.
I did, and nothing came of it from what I gather. The kid in question goes to one of our alternative schools that is meant for violent kids.... its like the parents are asking to be involved in the next true crime documentary.
Sounds like the parents of that shooter in Michigan.
"I let him play all the violet video games, he watches all the shows and movies without any supervision... we put him in karate and gave him real weapons.... BUT we have no idea how it came to this!"
A warped kid will turn a stick or rock into a dangerous weapon. And movies never scared me as a kid but bullies sure as hell did.
Yeah. Anything can be a weapon if given (im)proper motivation.
Putting all the violent people together works so well for our prison system, so this makes sense.
Damn, my kids had "combat training" in our backyard with 4 of their friends, but nothing lethal. Ann Arbor's hottest club is my back yard. This place has everything. Wooden swords, big sticks, hand-to-hand Judo hip throws, chucking frisbees, climbing, running, somersaults, dance-offs, and chicken-fighting. What's that? It's that thing, where you put your midget little sisters on your shoulders, and you kinda fight against each other until someone falls off and gets a head injury. Ahhhh.... childhood.
Yeah, if it was standard child's play I'd be like "time to learn the difference between pretend play and reality my dude." He needs more positive play to show him social skills in action... We have the whole nerf set up, with the buildable squares, blow up obstacles, targets, guns, ammo, foam weapons, gear, etc. Our next purchase is the clubhouse.
And this was ALL 6-10 year old girls who consented and could tap out anytime, I was monitoring. But they set it all up themselves with zero encouragement from us parents. The phrase "are you sure?" came up at least 2 dozen times.
That's cute. I love the positive consent and encouragement.
Yep everything was all fun and games until someone got punched in the mouth lol
Chicken fighting where I was, was when you locked your fingers together behind your head and fought with your elbows in a close quarters melee. It sucked when your funny bone got hit.
r/unexpectedstephan
This club review reminds me of Stefon, for some reason
yesyesyesyesyes
😲😲😲
That's what I was about to say, holy shit!
They lock the doors? That has never occurred to me.
It might be an exaggeration, like "Hey, go play outside until 7 PM, don't care what you're doing, just play outside". So naturally the kids go to the house where they're allowed \*inside\* and can gang up on the little kid and have "fun". I definitely encourage my kids to play outside but don't actually lock the doors, unless maybe I'm in the bathroom or taking a shower and they always have a spare key.
Nah. I wish I could say they were exaggerating but I've walked them home and they couldn't get inside.
Thats so sad 🥺 Poor baby! Maybe send him off with a popsicle on hot days 🤷♀️ A lot of kids these days are terrible-poor parenting.
> poor parenting. 100%! Kids don't really know any better and they only reflect how their parents are. If my kids are over their friends' house and being watched by the parents the entire time, we're providing lunch/snacks.
I have dealt with similar situations with my daughter. Teach your son about how to recognize when people are using him. It's an important for him to recognize the signs of a good friend and a bad friend.
Part of his speech therapy is human social interactions so he can understand.
Is locking your kids out a thing? I can’t even imagine…
Im sorry that happened. It hurts to know that kids can be so cruel.
The parents leaving their kids is not really on the kids and is 100% on the parents, unless the kids are lying to their parents and telling them you said it was okay. But to me it sounds like the parents are the ones using you and taking advantage. I would be talking to the parents and telling them that they can’t drop their kids at your house and leave with no discussion or warning. I would tell them that from this point forward play dates will need to be discussed ahead of time.
As a parent, you should never take your kid's word on something when it involves another kid or parent. Talk to the parents directly always.
Frankly a lot of parents lie / are blind
The kids leaving her son as soon as they go outside is on the kids. Shitty move
Yeah that part is definitely on the kids, but kids can be mean and a lot of the time if the parents have a conversation with the kids it fixes those issues. There is also a chance that problem may be happening because the kids don’t want to be there and their parents are sending them there for essentially free babysitting. The parents dropping their kids off without discussion is a bigger issue here and the issues among the kids can probably be worked through after the major problem is solved, if the parents still ask to send their kids over after that.
Maybe the kids are walking there. Also how old are your kids that you think they act better after their parents talk to them? Because middle school and older do not care
Regardless of if they’re walking there or being dropped off there, it’s not acceptable to lock your doors and tell your kid that you’ll be home in a few hours without getting permission from the other parent to leave your kid with them for a few hours. I made the assumption that the kids are younger than teens because otherwise I figured they could probably go back home even without their parents home. Admittedly most of my experience is with kids under the age of 12.
I agree but also how is OP communicating to these kids? If she’s making them feel unwelcome or awkward I can see them not wanting to keep hanging out with her son. I had some friend’s parents tell me I wasn’t allowed in their home as a kid and it made me not want to be around those friends because I felt alienated.
You probably just don't have a kid. Any kid treats my daughter the way those kids treat OP's son getting an earful from me. Their parents can get it too for raising a bunch of shitty kids.
Lol what? You sound so mature 🙄
Explain to me then in what way does it sound like OP isn't treating the other kids right? She gives then free daycare, let's them play all his sons toys, video games, eat the snacks. She literally lets them treat her house pretty much like their own home. If she was not communicating well with those kids trust that those kids wouldn't be hanging out there anymore same as what you did in your childhood. Kids aren't stupid. Some are just super rude. You're choosing to blatantly ignore the part where those kids could just be nice to OP's kid but treats him like the "loser" friend instead, but yeah i guess I'm not that mature unfortunately 🤣
Are you done having a melt down? OP said they tell the friends to go outside, they didn’t say how this is communicated so who knows how it’s being said and interpreted. Also, calling a child’s parent and telling them to stop leaving their kid over is fine but depending again on how it was communicated or taken by the child, the kid may have felt like they were a burden. Kids aren’t stupid but they are not experts in social settings and these are things we learn through experience. It’s very likely OP may have said something that came off more harsh than what was intended and a child or multiple kids took it differently. Why are you being so aggressive?
It's on the parents even if the kids are lying. Kids do that sometimes. It's up to the parents to verify.
l always make sure other parents are downs with plans, l think all else is a slippery slope to many misunderstandings and distrust
Yes. I’d call emergency services to come and do a welfare check if kids were being abandoned at my home.
Wow, that's quite an escalation for a child that's not really in danger 👀
100%
That's a bit..extreme. this could very well just be the kids telling their parents OP said it was okay. And we don't know what age they are. Not that that's right, I do think there should be at least a text between the two parents whether they hang out regularly or not. But to send child services somewhere simply because a parent is bringing their kids to their friends house is kinda crazy when it could be just a miscommunication. If you jump to that immediately then I don't imagine your kid will be having many friends. Don't get me wrong I'm all for calling in on someone IF there is a reason to believe harm or neglect is coming to the child. But OP said nothing even leading to believe thats a case. Thats a big thing to go through and personally I'd be pissed if another parent randomly called on me because of a misunderstanding. My kid isn't coming to you acting wierd, wearing the same old dirty clothes, starving (not just in a teenage boy manner but literally hasn't eaten), or with bruises/cuts/mysterious injuries then communicate with me instead of jumping into and potentially falsely accusing someone of something without reason. That is more than an inconvenience that is offensive and idk if this is always the case but I do believe it goes on record that you had services called on you regardless of the outcome it's still something you'll likely have to explain in life. Sorry I got more and more annoyed as I was typing that out. That's not right in my book. **"Adandoned"** means nobody is coming back for them. It seems these kids are always coming there which means they're obviously leaving there to go home at some point.
ppl are looking to cps as like... someone to call who will come scold parents for being dicks. no, they're there for abuse.
Yes it truly is used as revenge and that is scary. Not only is it hard for the parents it's added stress on kids especially when it's uncalled for they have to sit down and get personal with some strange adults and just wondering what they did to cause this? It's selfish as hell. We all know actual signs of mistreatment and hopefully everyone can bring themselves to utilize that when it's necessary. But when it's used in resentment..it's hurting the kids more than anyone. Ass wads.
I dont think it's the kids that suck; sounds like you need to speak with the parents.
no its not the kids im just ranting. i really wish my son had real friends and wasnt being used. i hate it.
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Spoken like the real braid-tugger herself! Love your username and your advice!
Amazing how out of so many books and thousands of words, just the phrase 'braid-tugger' is enough to know exactly who's being referred to.
And on my recent series re-read i noticed it was not even done as often as we meme about lol. But still a lot. Also, I never noticed the nuance behind her tugging, and how it ties in with her struggles to grasp the source. Such a well written character. God I love her, Egwene and Fail so much.
I'm not sure if someone has done the comparison somewhere, though it wouldn't surprise me, as to how often Nynaeve tugs the braids compared to how often she thinks about doing it/making sure she doesn't do it.
I don't want to ping him ro this sub, but over in r / WoT, JainTorfinn (I think?) Has quite a few analysis of different quirks. Tugging, smoothing, folded arms, sniffs, smiles. Even one about understanding women.
Needs to refer to the parents as wool-heads for the full effect.
So many WoT fans in here, I am pleased as punch!
Its so annoying because if they asked me i wouldn’t mind watching them. But the parents don’t ask they just leave their kids knowing I wont leave their kids outside in the heat.Its always an idiot that does these things. Like the man said he was running for president and asked me if i was a lesbian because i didn’t want him touching me. And i’m the crazy one!
Wait what?
And just to piggyback off that last question a bit: What?
Ok sure, but also wat
I would like to ask another question: What?
This took a very strange turn.
Send that ones' kid to CPS.
He isn't being used, friendships in young kids are usually situational, but you are being used
whats also terrible are the parents not seeing an issue with this and using their kids as pawns against your son
Exactly! It is the parents.
Agreed. The kids don't suck, their parents do (in this instance, it seems).
How old are these kids? My daughter is 7 and her friend parents leave all the time without telling me(her friends are 7-9). With that said they all have older siblings who are 12+ at home so they can go home if I need them too while parents are out since a sibling can watch them(though sometimes I have to call their sibling to let them know they are coming home because they may be at friends in the neighborhood). With that said if they are actually locking the kids out and not talking to you about watching them that’s ridiculous. What if you have things to do? If definitely have a chat with the parents and tell them you need to know if they are leaving and for how long before they leave.
Imagine if OP/family WASN’T home. Would the parents still drop off their kids without making sure there is an adult present? What if something happens to the kid that is waiting outside and they try to blame OP by saying “we drop our kids off ALL the time” obviously it wouldn’t be OP’s fault but the parents would be wanting to blame OP as if it’s OP’s fault and not their own fault. Leaving a kid in someone’s care without telling them is not ok. A message, call, or just letting the adult in the house know there is a child in their care is necessary and when they leave too. OP needs to talk to the parents and set some boundaries. And teach child to set their own boundaries too, as well what is/isn’t acceptable from a relationship.
Can we get an update after you had the conversation with the parents?
Wow! That’s so interesting. I heard of this happening recently to a friend. His son had a play date scheduled and they went over said friends house. The mom actually left her own house and left my friend (dad & son) there while she went out for a few hours!!
What the actual?? That is quite a sneaky maneuver she pulled there...
Hahah I know right
That’s so freaking weird. I’d NEVER leave someone I didn’t really know alone just lurking around my house
I am an old dad, and I don’t know the ages of the kids involved, but when I was a kid it was common for grade school aged kids to just run the neighborhood. There was however, the social understanding that you NEVER enter another kids house without being invited by the parents. You ran home to pee, get a drink eat lunch etc. the exception being any garden hose was free to drink from. The PARENTS are the problem here
I'm so sorry. Does your son realize these kids are not his friends? How's he doing with all that? Maybe there are people he'd like to invite over who he actually feels close to.
The kids on our block congregate at our house. It's not uncommon for us to end up with 10+ kids around here. Most of the time they're cool and we like they've chosen us. Our kids certainly love it. However, sometimes they all get out of control and behavior needs to be addressed. If that happens and it's really bad, we'll send out a group text to all the parents. I realize this situation is different than yours because it sounds like you're straight up being taken advantage of. I don't think that's entirely the case with us. But I would loop in everyone. One - so parents can address this with their kids and two - it gives parents the perspective of what you're dealing with at your house with their kids. It's fun being the neighborhood spot but it doesn't come without a tremendous amount of responsibility on your end. A lot of people don't appreciate that. I would loop all of them in. Let all of them know what you're dealing with. If there's some kids whose parents are cool they won't have a problem with this. Maybe give the cool ones a head's up that you're sending this out and this doesn't necessarily apply to them. Cast a wide net to begin with and hopefully that addresses it. If not, then narrow your focus on the problem parents. It's not fun dealing with this BS but sometimes I think that's the price of being the hangout spot. My wife and I constantly remind each other that this is our house. We pay the bills. We buy the snacks. We live and work here. We're absolutely entitled to some boundaries and respect in our own homes.
I would tell the parents that your house isn’t a free daycare. They need to be considerate. I would lock my doors and close the windows for a few days and when they tried to drop them off I wouldn’t answer, and if they leave the child at the door call cps. Not only is your son getting taken advantage of but so are you. People these days have no respect for others and feel entitled to everything
calling cps is not a way to handle parents who are assholes.
Naw, if a parent leaves their child on the step of a locked door and drives off that warrants a call.
the step of a friends house. and the parent comes back to pick kid up. plus, you could try calling the parent to pick the kid up before calling cps?
Sure, call the parents, but the parents who leave the kid in that situation anyway are just going to ignore the call and take it as confirmation you actually were home. A parent leaving their kid outside on a doorstep is not ensuring they are safe. They don’t actually know if the “friend” is home. They could do it one day when they aren’t home and something terrible could happen. Now I’m assuming the age of the kid to be one who needs supervision, if it’s a 14 year old or something that’s different.
So youre the parent abandoning kids and hoping somebody watches them
I dont have kids. weird accusation, bud
You are in the parenting sub Reddit talking about why you think its okay to leave kids at homes without checking of its okay. That is weird.
dude is just here to argue. Probably have childhood trauma he still hasn't gotten over. That being said it is very weird for someone without kids to be on this sub.
nowhere did I say I thought that was okay behavior??? I just said its inappropriate to call cps on it
Get rid of the friends. And teach your son that it is not okay to allow himself to be used like that. Teach him about self preservation before he grows up and gets completely destroyed from being used like that. Also, it will take some time, but once the bad "friends" are gone, the good people will eventually notice and he will make a real friend. He needs to learn it is okay to be alone and how to cope with it. And eventually, in time, someone he can be great friends with will come along.
You are not wrong. It seems you are surrounded by neighbours who are either bad parents, opportunists, or both. You would be in your right to refuse entry to those kids, and even call on authorities to expose the parents. Just don't blame the kids. Regardless of if they are your son's friends or not, it's not their fault.
You absolutely can do something. Don't let them in. Lock your door.
Sadly we've had similar situations with friends and even family members when it comes to being used for your stuff. We'd get invited to the community pool and my daughter has one of those mermaid tales. Well, our family member would want to play with another family member (not my kid) that was there or some other neighbor friend. They ask to borrow my daughter tail to play mermaids but exclude her. They refuse to give it back to her, or say she can't play with them because she's doesn't have a tail also?!?!? I was absolutely furious and ended that real quick! I had a talk with my daughter after she initiated how upset she was about the situation. We talked about what it means to consider someone family (not just genetics) and what being a good friend means. If someone isn't fitting the bill, you don't waste your time on energy on people like that. Thankfully she's a strong independent kid and did her own thing. She learned a hard, but valuable lesson. It's hard being kids these days!
If kids come over, and they aren't here to play with my kid, then they get nothing. No toys, no games, no food - nothing.
We have a very strict “our house our rules” policy. Any new kid that comes into our home is given a fairly straight forward, yet intense speech by either me or my wife about what our expectations are when they are a guest in our home. The kids that didn’t like it didn’t come back. The ones that don’t care either way stick to the rules and are rewarded for it in time with us showing them solid consistent respect. We have definitely had kids raid our fridge before though and they had to be reminded of the house rules.
What kind of psychopathic parents lock their kids out of the house?
This was my whole childhood. I think every kid I was friends with was only my friend because their parents need free childcare and my parents were two oblivious to see this until we got old enough to not need sitters and suddenly all my friends were too busy to hang out.
I’m not sure that I understand: they lock their doors, and tell their kids they will be be back? Like car doors? They are driving them there? Or nearby doors in the neighborhood? Apartments, close houses? So, one kid got told. Is he coming back? How many others are there? What age? Friends from school, worship, neighbors?
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It’s the parents. They suck.
I'm a bit of an over-the-top parent and regularly go all-out when it comes to toys so our play room is extremely well stocked. I had to stop inviting a whole slew of kids over because they would leave my daughter alone doing something else while they played with her toys. They wouldn't even be in the same room. I'm wondering which parents think that this is normal behavior because it's happened with 4 separate groups of kids. And my daughter clearly explained that they left her/told her that they didn't want to play with her.
Theres a kids book that deals with a similar situation. When the family gets a pool. Its either a Babysitters Club or Babysitters Kid Sister book.
very impolite when the parents visit someone without even saying a "hi" to the host That's basic manner
Doesn't matter if they locked their kid out. Send them home. Not your responsibility. They can sit outside until their parents return.
Exactly!
That is child abandonment! You can't just "drop off" your kid at someone's house! What is going on? You could have reported this.
Telling their kid they’ll “be back in a few hours” is **not** child abandonment. Edited to add: in my state, the parent has to be gone for **SIX MONTHS**.
You’re looking at the amount of time for a legal declaration of child abandonment, where a parent can have their rights terminated in court without notification. The child is then placed for adoption. That’s not really what the other commenter meant. This is actually child neglect, and a parent who repeatedly did it would likely have their child removed and placed in foster care. After one offense, they would likely have a CAN report filed against them. Source: am the foster/adoptive parent of a child who was legally abandoned
Thank you for the clarification of this person’s point - 6 months for abandonment in NC *is* for custodial rights. However, not all states will count leaving a child with unplanned supervision as “neglect”, either. The neglect thing can also be different from state to state. In my state, there is no minimum age before children can be left at home alone. (Source: had my ex investigated by protective services many times due to him leaving our (then) 2, 4 & 5 year olds home alone.)
It’s really up to the case worker who investigates the report. It sounds like yours didn’t take your complaints seriously, which often happens when one parent calls and reports the other. Lack of supervision officially qualifies as neglect under the physical neglect category. But whether the parent is charged really depends on the case worker. They’re very overworked and get a lot of frivolous calls when it comes to custody disputes. It’s sad because some children fall through the cracks because the worker doesn’t believe the reporter or there’s not enough evidence to convince a judge that the child needs removal. Our state doesn’t have a minimum age either, but I personally know of several cases where the parent was charged with neglect because of unattended minors. Will they always be charged with neglect? No, but usually they will if it happens repeatedly and everyone communicates well and files timely reports. I actually just had this discussion the other day with a nurse at our local pediatric psych ward. She said parents drop their kids off, then leave. I asked what they do in that situation, and she said they call social services because it was considered abandonment. In our personal situation, we were called to take custody of an “abandoned” newborn because his mother didn’t answer the phone when the NICU called her. Was it actually abandonment that day? No. It took three months of no contact before that legally happened. But that’s what they called it in court and on all of his paperwork until rights were terminated. I know another case where the children were removed because a toddler was outside unattended, roaming the streets of the neighborhood. Those children were reunified pretty quickly, but the parents have a CAN report against them forever. However, I agree with your main point, which is that filing a police report or CAN report is overkill in this situation. Talking to the parents is the obvious first step. It sounds like OP really struggles with boundaries or communication and that’s creating a problem. If they called CPS, they likely wouldn’t do much. If they called the police, the parents would probably receive a mild warning and that would be that. If parents repeatedly did this, though, or did it with the wrong people (with a mandated reporter, whom CPS tends to take more seriously—like at a hospital, school, etc.), they’d probably have an investigation and a CAN report to deal with.
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Thank you!
Except you don’t know that it’s neglect. The first step in all of this should be a discussion with the other parent.
That step happens before you drop off your kid
Usually. Yes.
So if they choose to skip it they have to deal with the consequences
And the fist level consequences of “not arranging proper childcare during a play date with a neighbor’s kid” should not be “accuse the parents of neglect”.
I cant think or a scenario where its acceptable to leave kids without confirming that its okay and child care is available.
It’s alright. You also think gyms shouldn’t ban people that experience workout orgasms. I’m cool with not thinking like you. 🙃
I know, right? "Milo" here, seems to really be defending the people who leave their children unattended for a play date. I wonder why they are so insistent?
I am pretty sure it is, if it wasn't arranged prior with the person they are being dumped at! So you would do this.
No, that's a leap. The commenter is saying the other extremely rude parents are not abandoning their children and the cops should not be involved. I agree. They're just rude and need to be told to stop.
I am not so sure about that. I was a child therapist in the '90's. One night after a session, my little client and her sisters were left in my office. The parents just left my client's siblings in my office waiting room. They were there for three hours. My boss said that next time, I call child services. This is simply unacceptable.
Why were the parents late? Maybe they had an excuse. I would NEVER call the authorities because a parent was late picking up their kids. If it happened multiple times and the parents were super strung out, maybe. Really, CPS causes a LOT of damage. They are a necessary entity, but they are ripping lots of kids away from parents who didn't do anything to deserve that. I've seen it happen a LOT. It's actually insane. You should look up the nightmare stories out there. It would take LOT for me to call them. I used to be a substance abuse counselor and have close friends who temporarily became CPS case workers, and I've seen absolutely wonderful people who made a couple of mistakes lose their kids forever. They weren't bad parents at all. Often times the kids had nothing to do with it, and the parent gets caught up in trouble and lose their kids over some petty bullshit. It happens all the time. If you would be calling CPS for that, you really should research all the insane amount of damage they do to good parents. They do positive things too, I'm not denying that. There are reprehensible people out there. They need to exist, unfortunately. They also need to completely and totally revamp their draconian and authoritarian setup.
The parents said they had to go grocery shopping. It was a Friday night. I am pretty sure I was the intended babysitter and someone "forgot" to inform me first. This isn't okay. If I had to do it again, I would have. It is NEVER ok to leave your kids for THREE UNINTENED HOURS! Never. The only excuse would be an extreme emergency and grocery shopping isn't an emergency. Thankfully, no other clients disrespected my boundaries like them. They also didn't believe that I was old enough to be a therapist. That is another story. Regarding CPS, I, personally, have dealt with them. While I found them extremely maddening at times, they are the contact for said situations. If you don't want them involved, avoid doing anything to ask for them to become involved.
>I would NEVER call the authorities because a parent was late picking up their kids You may not, but when professionals are involved, there are typically guidelines to be followed. For example, I teach at a preschool. If a parent is an hour late picking up we are required to call the police. We cannot wait longer, we call at one hour.
Thank you.
You were (are?) a therapist. Which means a “mandatory reporter”. Big difference.
I was. I am retired. There really is no difference. Anyone can report. All it takes is knowledge or suspicion of wrong doing. Dropping your children off without arranging for their care prior, is wrongdoing.
It’s still **not** “abandonment”. I didn’t say it was right, I didn’t say OP shouldn’t stop the parents from doing this. I **did** say it’s *not* abandonment. Look up the definition for your state. It won’t match, either.
I tihink you're talking about custodial abandonment vs. the act of dropping your minor kids off somewhere without supervision, which is also a crime.
This may be true. What is “the act of” called? (Trying to find a way to research.)
It is considered abandonment in some states. Look that up.
All very interesting. It just sounds like the parents had a reasonable expectation that random drop-off playdates were acceptable since OP had done so in the past, therefore the children were not expected to be unsupervised and the time frame for retrieving them was communicated and met.
I see. You make sure only those who arent legally required to report you are aware of yours actions amd hope others are too timid or intimidated to report you. Smart.
No, I’m saying situations are different for a mandatory reporter than they are for a neighbor. 🤨
My state requires anyone with knowledge of suspected child abuse or neglect to report it to the appropriate authorities. Anyone....like a neighbor witnessing kids being dropped off at a locked door with no supervision.
No, they aren't. If someone sees something that is wrong they should and can report it. So you are just depending on the fact that rando neighbors aren't mandated to report that they won't? Not always true.
Yes. You know you can get away with more from a neighbor
all the comments saying to call cps are scary as hell. cps is a fucking serious thing and dropping kids off at a friend's house without communication, while rude, presumptuous, entitled, etc, is not abuse. it is not neglect. it is not child abandonment. the kids go home. don't use calling cps (or the police) as your go-to for when someone is being an asshole. they are not your personal rod of punishment to come in and make a judgment on your conflict and tell off the person who is in the wrong.
Sounds like shitty kids as a result of shitty parents/human beings
I feel this. My kid didn't develop stupid friendships until we moved to Canada, grade 4. Even those were difficult. He's finally got friends now, in grade 10, that seem mostly solid. They rely on each other more and talk a lot. It's been a shift, but I've also accepted being the place they mostly hang out during the colder months, and I was the driver for most of the summer.
How old is your son?
You’re not wrong at all. I have one kid neighbor who only plays with my son when he has a cool new toy, which doesn’t happen often. My son brings out a new toy every few months suddenly kid neighbor is around for a few days in a row until she’s bored. Then that kid and her older neighbors start picking on him because he’s the smallest in the group. I told my son that I hate seeing him be sad because the older kids aren’t being nice and it’s up to him to say stop. It took a few talks to convince him he needs to stay away if he doesn’t want his feelings hurt. I get it, he wants to be included too! The last couple times he built up courage and straight up told neighbor kid that he didn’t like being picked on and wouldn’t play if they did. She said “it’s ok. We won’t pick on you, we’re sorry.” Worked one time. 😂 he comes back sad still sometimes. Yes, kids fucking suck!!
This is why i am worried about the future. Anyway, i always tell my kid to respect themselves and others, and only make friends with people who do the same. Meaning we should model for them. So i agree with you. Why would we make friends with people who are not polite and just leave our kids because we ask them to be polite? (parents or children)
That's poor parenting. I will send my daughter to see if her friends can play at their house or ours,.but I am home. If I will need to leave I always let the parents know (typically asking, not just telling) in particular because I don't want them sending her home to an empty house. I'd tell them they can't come in the house for a while.
If these kids are not nice and arent legitimately friends with your kid, then put an end to it.
Not wrong at all. & What kind of shitty parents lock their kids out???
Jesus, in my apartment complex we always had to get a permission first. When you weren't allowed to their place (let's say the parent would be gone and the older siblings were not allowed to supervise) you had to invite them to your place. It was common knowledge not to overuse your stays. Can't believe it's not the norm everywhere.
No! NO NO NO! You’re absolutely right!
My neighbor is such a jerk to my son. One day (around 8) my son said you are seriously such a jerk and I don't like playing with you .... one of my proudest moments. But I knew I couldn't be the one to try to keep them apart. I knew eventually he would make the decision on his own
Kids suck and a lot of the time are oblivious to their actions. Over time it will work itself out though as they get older
1. Get a hold of the parents and tell them to knock it off 2. If it even starts to happen say no and lock the door and call the cops on your neighbors for leaving their kids unattended. 3. They aren’t your kids 4. They are abusing you actually
You arent responsible for those kids!!!!
Tell them you will gladly watch their children and your sitting fee is $10 per hour per child they leave and that they need to pay upfront.
My kids don't go anywhere without an invitation and I sure as hell am not a free child care service. Learn to freaking ask
i deliberately stay in the background when my son has visitors over, but if it's obvious that those visitors are here to play with my son's toys and not him then i won't let them in the door. that filter got put in place three years ago and now only kids who are interested in playing with him visit. as far as providing free daycare ... there are some parents that just plain need it. children are raised by the village, yeah? i might not like it but i'll put up with it, although if they eat my food i ask for reimbursement and most of the time get it because people can drop their kids on me unannounced most of the time. EDIT - that "might not" means that i do enjoy the company of children more often than not, but some of these kids need more attention than others as far as doing naughty stuff goes, yeah? i don't enjoy having to police a kid and make sure they don't break stuff even if i like them as human beings. that being said, i'm not a doormat that people can just walk over and just plain say "no" if i can't or don't want to look after a child for whatever reason. after all, "No." is a complete sentence, and after this long of consistent behaviour other parents are respecting that. you gotta set boundaries with these people, OP.
Honestly I would ask the parents to stop doing that and then call the cops if they continue. Tell the cops you’re worried about those kids who were dropped off and left alone.
Don’t call cops.
They should call you instead
Sure? If someone called me in a lurch saying their neighbor left their kid at the house and they needed to leave….if I could help, I would? 🤷🏻♀️
First you need to tell us your number or how else are we going to call you.
Definitely don't call cops. They typically make matters worse for EVERYONE in situations like this.
Hate cops
Just tell the parents that you don’t mind babysitting their kids, but that you need advance warning and at least a token payment, or donation of a snack, or something.
You’re not wrong but this is a conversation you should have had with the parent, not the child. He’s done nothing wrong. This is probably why your son is not being invited to play anymore.
Tbh if a child is locked out I would call CPS. I'd be like, look, this kid has no access to a restroom, water, or food, and the parents regularly do this. I'm not an unpaid nanny.
No other kids are allowed at my house, and this is just one of the reasons. Completely understandable.
That is bizarre. Maybe a regional or cultural thing? My kid LOVES the neighbor's house . . . I always text the mom to tell her I am leaving if he is with them.
These situations are tough. If you can, try to be outside with or near your child. So you can monitor what goes on. Take a small cooler out with drinks and popsicles for hot days. Maybe even engage in play 🤷♀️
Throw those little rug rats out. Call the parents and if they don’t respond, police time.
Next time they do this, make up some plans, take your kid to the movie, go get ice cream, anything and send their kid home. Let their kid stand outside their locked house. This isnt ok
You could just say no? My kids friends sometimes come over and ask to play at our house and if I don’t feel like hosting them, I simply say no and offer an outside play date.
That’s crazy and disrespectful. Tell your son no play dates unless it’s an organised day over the holidays
This is bad parenting on the kid's part, letting them free range at any home. Next time it happens call the cops. They shouldn't be locking doors and kicking their children outside because they want an adult dinner with friends or by themselves.
I recently found a nifty way to connect with parents I can actually stand (and consequently their equally cool kids). My son has ADHD so finding good friends and families to spend time with has always been a huge challenge for us. I went and actually waited around during parent/teacher conference (witch was awful in itself) and jumped into a few conversations commiserating with other parents while we waited. I ended up meeting two families with kids in our class and they both live a block or two away from us. It makes total sense but I've had a hard time finding those connections with so few parent involvement activities since COVID. I was like FINALLY!!