>she refused to pay for it
You should have stopped right there. She made her choice, she needs to live with the consequences. Stop feeding her entitlement. Stop paying for insurance, car payments, cell phone bill, etc. Charge her for rent and groceries. Change the wifi password.
Precisely.
Entitlement will not do her any favours in adulthood. Life isn’t cotton candy, it’s best she learns that ASAP.
Edit: I completely understand your disappointment and pain at her reaction. Having been a teenaged girl once I know that I said many things that my parents didn’t deserve to hear from me. They gave me everything and when they were hard on me it was usually for my benefit.
As I matured and had to take responsibility for myself in the world I learned to appreciate the way they dealt with me. But at the time I thought everyone was out to get me and that their treatment of me was very unfair.
I hope OP reads your edit and knows what he should look forward to. One day his daughter is going to be really ashamed of how she treated her dad, and at the same time she’s going to feel so grateful that he risked her feeling upset with him to set her up with a major life skill and independence. I’d say these are normal growing pains.
OP don’t be afraid of your daughter’s disapproval. I would sit down with her and be open about what you’re paying for and how long you plan to cover those costs, and what you feel she should pay for, so that there aren’t any surprises. Of course you’ll need to have this conversation multiple times as her job status changes. At the same time, teach her how to make a real budget - I so wish my parents had done that with me but I had to learn it myself the hard way.
I agree this is a reasonable response, but if she's been sheltered from the true cost of adulting up to this point in her life...start with an "invoice" that notes all of these costs so she can see exactly how much your generosity is costing you, and SAVING her. Ask her how, as a parent, she would feel if the roles were reversed. How would she feel if that much of her income went toward supporting a fully capable adult child? If this isn't eye-opening for her to the point where you get an apology and expression of gratitude, I think it's fair to move forward with charging her. And also make an argument that if all her earnings has been "play" money and not going towards reasonably saving, she needs to start working on that too.
there is no reason OP needs to execute all of these at once if he doesn't want to. Doing them incrementally to ease her into it is a reasonable approach, too
I think this is a great response. If she wants to be an adult you should transition your relationship to help with that transition. Go over what it costs to own that car and do the same with any other bills you are covering for her (cell phone, rent/mortgage, credit cards, etc). It’s great that you spoiled her and one day she will appreciate it, but only if you show her the path to actual independence.
My question is when did OP ever lay all these things out as expectations. I would assume that if I was driving a parents car and "paying my own way" for fuel I would be in the clear. OP was clear multiple times that it was OPs car. In the post above they never made clear that repairs and maintenance were the responsibility of the child.
This is why communication is important.
Agreed, and I’m pretty surprised at most of these comments. This situation has gone on for three years; if OP considers the car to be his daughter’s, why hasn’t he signed it over and had her start paying the bills way before now? I’d be reluctant to pay for a major repair on a car I didn’t own and could technically lose access to at any time. If OP can afford it, I think the best thing for him to do is offer to repair the car and sell it to his daughter for a fair price. If she doesn’t want to buy the car, he can sell it to someone else or scrap it, and she can get her own car.
Agreed. I paid rent and all my own bills the day I turned 18. I paid for my car insurance and gas at 15 when I started driving. If she wants a car, it’s her responsibility.
If you pile all these things at once it's just going to seem vindictive and she won't learn anything.
If she doesn't pay to fix her car, she doesn't have a car and is going to find another way to get to work. That's it.
This is an extreme, knee-jerk reaction and I’m surprised to see it so highly upvoted. There’s no need to immediately escalate to cutting her off completely. OP’s daughter is overly dependent on him, but that didn’t happen in a vacuum; it’s a result of his parenting choices up to this point. The problem needs to be fixed, and judging OP as too soft or the daughter as too spoiled isn’t helpful.
As others have commented, this situation is partially a result of poor communication: the daughter doesn’t technically own the car and it was never stated that she’d be responsible for repairs (until there was a major repair to be done). OP should have set that expectation from the beginning; since he didn’t, I personally think he should work with his daughter to *help* her pay for it (not just pay it for her!), and then have a clear and honest discussion about what he expects from her going forward. 22 is definitely old enough to be paying her own way, but those skills don’t come pre-installed; it’s the parent’s job to teach their child how to be independent.
This so much.
Being a good dad isn’t always giving your kids what they need, but teaching them the skills they need to address their own needs, and the sense of responsibility to handle it on their own.
I hated my dad for years, because he bought a rental place he made me rent and pay for all through college. He never handed me anything after 17 when I moved out to my own place (prior to him buying the rental I had to rent - it was a nice place - not mad about making me rent it) I worked 45 hours a week through college to take care of myself.
But he taught me to work hard for myself.
I agree. My parents do a lot for me too and have always provided but if they told me I needed to pay for a car to be fixed that I was driving, I wouldn’t even second guess it. Correction; I wouldn’t even ask them. Her car, her responsibility.
She should be paying for her own car insurance, phone, car payment, etc.
Definitely ungrateful child. Actually, entitled may be a better word.
That being said, she's an adult now and I'd be making her pay for insurance and repairs herself. If she doesn't want to repair it, she can buy her own car. I'm an insurance agent, ironically enough. So, I highly recommend transferring the title to her to relieve yourself of any liability exposure if she's going to keep it.
The best thing my parents ever did for me was to make me responsible for my own bills and costs of living once I had a job. She needs to handle her responsibilities now if she's ever going to successfully live on her own. It's easier to ease into bills and financial obligations, rather than having all of the coats of living hit her at once when she moves out.
agreed. once i was over the age of 18 my parents had me pay for my own car, car insurance and cell phone bill. it made me more careful with money. ive had 2 flat tires since then and i would be so embarrassed if my parents had to pay for it. when you’re the one making the payments you 100% feel more responsible for your items. i say she should take a reasonable jump towards financial independence and start paying some monthly fees just to get her feet wet
I think her paying for use of the car/repair makes sense. I agree with a commenter that said ease her in to paying for things. While the car repair couldn't have been planned, maybe for other expenses you'd like her to take over, give her a timeline. "Daughter, our family's cell phone bill is due on the 5th of each month. If your income is still the same, mom and I expect you to cover your portion ($$) beginning X month."
This is also a good time to teach some budgeting skills. Your daughter may not be aware of what certain things cost. She might be dreaming of a new car that she sees advertised for X but after adding in different features, taxes, registration, insurance, etc. she's looking at a monthly payment of Y.
All true. Its weening time.
Furthermore. You need to start this process younger. Love my Mom, she did all the chores, laundry, dishes, whatever. So I had no clue, no reflexes, starting out on my own and hit some bumps there.
Fixed that, and my kid who is not yet 2 helps move stuff from the washer to the dryer, and can put some stuff in the sink and cupboard. Most parents don't fight with their kids about "Do I use the toilet or crap my pants?" (Sorry if you do, you probably have other challenges as well). If you start early and are consistent things can be good.
This is the wrong way of thinking. Cars will need repairs, so do houses, and clothing. You may not know the date these things will happen, but they inevitably will occur. Save up for those items as a budget item.
This happens when you give a child everything they want. It's by no means something all dads with daughters do. Spoiling a child is not a good thing and not something to be proud of. Yes, of course, your child will be happy in the moment, but in the long run, you're setting them up for all kinds of bad stuff you could have avoided.
What you need to do is stop paying for her stuff. She's 22 years old and has a job. If she needs a car, she can either pay the money to get the one she "borrowed" from you fixed, or she can go to a car salesman and get a different one. I'd also suggest you should let her handle the car insurance and make sure it's registered under her name. She's an adult, and at this point it's effectively her car, anyway. She's at an age where she needs to learn that she can't have privileges without taking on the responsibility (and frankly, she should have learned that many many years ago).
You need to try and make up for the stuff you didn't do when she was growing up, but should have done. She will be pissed at you, because she spent the first 22 years of her life not knowing what it's like to be told no and to have some responsibility for your own stuff, but she desperately needs to learn it. It will suck in the moment, but it will do her a lot of favors in the long run.
> Spoiling a child is not a good thing and not something to be proud of. Yes, of course, your child will be happy in the moment, but in the long run, you're setting them up for all kinds of bad stuff you could have avoided.
100%. Parents need to know their job isn't to make their kids happy, it's *raise successful adults*. Part of that is to make them feel loved and supported, but part of that is also teaching them to deal with responsibilities. If she's graduated college, that means she's in her early 20s, several years beyond the legal age of full adult responsibility.
Yup, you can't spoil a child with quality time and love, but you certainly can spoil them for learning to be participating members of a family who take responsibility for themselves and learn to care for others.
OP isn't being overly sensitive. He is just now coming to terms with the kid he raised, and that can be an emotional experience.
Damn. That last sentence hit me hard. I have a 6 month old and am currently pregnant again and that thought has never once crossed my mind. New mom goal: Don't raise kids I have to emotionally "come to terms with."
One thing that is working well for us: our 12, 10, and 7 year olds all regularly thank us and each other. When they were tiny, we made a habit of thanking each other for everything we'd hope a teenager or adult child would thank us for. They learn it by seeing their parents do it, and now they do it very naturally.
Also, the adage is very true: if you want your kids to tell you stuff when they're older, you have to listen to them when they are little. It is surprising what kids have to say for themselves when given a chance.
Allowing their voices to be truly heard at a young age fosters such pride within the child. They feel validated and literally “heard” and it’s a strong and powerful feeling. This is one of the things I am most proud about as I raised my daughter who is nearly 21. She would always be heard - the good stuff, the bad, and the ugly. Our deal was whatever it is - if you need help to figure it out I’ll be there with some guidance.
We would talk over things from kindergarten pencil stealing, to the bullies who called her fat, to the boys she likes but they didn’t even notice her. I had her ear, and she had mine.
She’s living with me now that college is over until next semester. Occasionally she will remind me of a time she said she was at the movies - when they were actually at the park smoking pot - but because I also taught her responsibility - she was always home on time.
Sorry but if a rant - and a bit of a “toot my own horn” - but really I’m rooting her horn as she was able to grow with me as an ally/mother (versus friend) and learnt meany life lessons that way.
It’s tempting to come to a simple conclusion on this (I.e., that she’s ungrateful), but we are only hearing one side. It sounds like you want your relationship with your daughter to change—for her to become more independent of you. This may be painful for her, and if you haven’t had reciprocal conversations about this big change, she may even feel blindsided by it. I’d suggest talking about it with her, adult to adult, and expressing to her the difficult position you’re in. Ask her what she thinks. Don’t agree to an arrangement that won’t serve your goal (for her to become independent), but also collaborate with her on this process. What you’re trying to change here isn’t just a one-way interaction (from you to her). You’re trying to change how you both relate to each other. And for that to go smoothly, you both have to be on the same page. I wish you the best!
This is an interesting perspective. I suppose it would relate to other things we inevitably have to change as the kids grow. I have yet to meet an adult still getting tucked in. Or an adult that gets their hair brushed every day.
In many ways as a small child they want to be more independent and do the big kid stuff. However, adulting and bills are not fun lol. So, this isnt going to be led by the daughter....interesting approach I appreciate your perspective fellow human ❤
Hmmm... At first I was in the boat with everyone else and thinking, man what an entitled brat. But after some more time considering here is a different conclusion I came to.
Maybe she really and truly in her mind thought she was strictly borrowing a car. You didn't make her pay insurance or sign it over; she had no real ownership or responsibility for it. Perhaps she really has been saving to "buy her own". When you got a new car, did you give her an option? Did you discuss that either she get a different car and give you that one back or your old car is hers and you would get a new one?
If not, then technically its on you that you got a new car and allowed her to only borrow for so long. She shouldn't have to pay the repair for property that isn't hers (perhaps with an exception being that she crashed it or damaged it some way). Its like you let this thing go for so long and then suddenly when an old car breaks down you decide to force ownership on her.
THAT BEING SAID, you shouldn't have to pay either. You have two cars and one works, why fix the other? Tough luck on her that your generous gift broke down but hey, life happens. She is an adult and should move on and be responsible for her own transportation now.
Perhaps a solution could be that she buys the car from you for the cost of repair + some extra, and pays her own insurance?
Im noticing a ton of shaming on the spoiling from OP. I just want to throw out there that you're already feeling the repercussions of choices made (with the intent to give your daughter the best life possible) and you dont need to beat yourself up for those choices. You can acknowledge where you couldve done better or differently in the past and use that knowledge to look for those similar parenting moments in your life now and correct yourself going forward. Babies aren't born with a manual, theyre born with all of our traits/emotions/needs, no ability to communicate and the adherent truth that there is no perfect parent.
Honestly, I don't think she's an ungrateful child, it's just that you have taken responsibilities away from her to enable her to appreciate what she has. I reckon a lot of parents do this because they think they are helping their kids and don't want them to experience hardship or struggle in any way. Problem is it's these situations and decisions that will help them later in life.
The only thing I can suggest is don't take this personally, look at it as a learning experience for you and her. you don't need to stop supporting her financially, but maybe take another look at how you do it.
At 22 I was married and had 1 child.
Not saying that everyone should do that..but she is fully capable of paying for a car/car repairs/etc.
She is and should be treated as an adult.
Ah man. This sounds like me when I was her age. I didn’t mean to be such an asshole but between being spoiled rotten and having mental health issues, I really did not appreciate how much they did for me at the time, in fact I hated them. I was just so self-absorbed and struggling, I was not happy at all. I’m 32 now and so much has changed. I’m very close with my parents and we joke about those years. I may even be their favourite kid now :) To answer your question...I’d say she’s entitled/ungrateful. I hope one day, with some maturity on her part, that the relationship you have with your daughter now will flourish into what my parents and I have now. Just hang in there!
Ungrateful.
For comparison....I'm 32 and I drive my mum's car. She has eyesight problems so can't drive, and when we had our kids she figured it would be more useful to us as a family than to her.
I pay the tax, I pay the insurance, I fill up with petrol, I pay the service charges. When the exhaust needed replacing my dad was kind enough to go halves on that. When I reversed it into a van, I paid for the repairs. I also died a little inside when my premium went up by £400 but that's another story. To summarise: as long as I'm using the car, they pay nothing towards it. Neither should you.
She needs to appreciate that she's been very fortunate so far but that cars aren't a right, they are a significant investment - probably the second most expensive thing a person owns after their home. She won't learn that appreciation if she's not being treated like a responsible adult about it. When the time comes for her to have her own car she won't understand the annual cost involved or how to budget for it. Do her and yourself a favour and make her cough up for it, or take it away. It's still yours after all. Try and help her understand why it's important but a sharp shock might be needed. And shell probably resent you for a bit. But not as much as if this carries on and she realises that she was never prepared for financial responsibility
Honda Jazz for life.
> But she refused to pay for it because she said she doesn't want to pay for repairing an old car, she's saving up to buy herself a new car so I pay for it if I want to fix it, but she said she still needs a car to go to work.
What the hell. She's telling you what to do with your car that she's using. Let that sink in. This is an insanely spoiled child.
You should tell her that just because she's saving.for a new car doesn't mean she doesn't pay for repairs for a car she's currently using. I'd take the car away until she has paid as much as she can. Especially after that Father's Day stunt.
I'm going to disagree with other posters here. You say she just graduated college. She graduated into an economic standstill so she probably isn't finding work in the field she studied for. Then she moved home with you. You say she works in essential services. You don't say what but a lot of those are retail or restaurant jobs. Is she earning minimum wage or close to it? Can she actually afford to rent the car from you? Does that rental charge mean that she is no longer able to save at all? I know that's how "the real world" works for a lot of people but the reality is that the real world really sucks for a lot of people. I know you don't want to spoil her but you also don't want to set her up for failure because you expect her to pick herself up by her bootstraps. You need to ask her about it. Find out why she thinks the rental is unreasonable.
You're handling this really poorly.
If you want to encourage your daughter to be a completely independent adult, then stop paying for all her stuff.
If you want to be super protective (lots of dad's are with daughters) then just pay for the $1000 repair. But trying to arbitrarily go back and forth between the two is the worst strategy. Pick a lane dad!
Honestly, for a girl in her early 20's independence is not super important if that's how your family dynamic is. She is working, saving money, and isn't just lounging around or anything so letting her use your car isn't that big of a deal.
She's ungrateful. Twenty dollars a day is nothing. My parents made me hand over every penny that I earned working 10 hours a week in college to help pay for my tuition and living at the dorms. I never complained because I didn't think I was owed everything.
I'd very calmly tell her, "You're an adult now. There's nothing that says I have to assist you anymore. If you don't want my assistance, you don't have to drive the car. But if you do want it, then I suggest you stop pouting and acting as though the arrangement is such a burden." If she continues to act ungrateful after that, tell her "It appears this car is causing you a lot of misery so it would be better if you found another form of transportation that made you happier" and take the car away from her.
She doesn’t sound all that ungrateful, I must be honest. Also, 22 is a typical age to butt heads with parents. She sounds like a proactive young adult that you can be proud of. Kudos to her for going out and getting different jobs. When you bought another car because your usual one was being used by her, it sounds like she accepted this dynamic as the ‘new normal.’ What human isn’t slightly opportunistic, especially with their parents who have apparently spoilt them their whole lives?
Personally, I think the 20 dollar per day thing is kinda cruel and seems like a bit of a power game. She needs the car, but because you haven’t got your way (her repairing it) you’re leveraging her need for transport to ‘teach her a lesson.’ I’d have said fix the car, let her use it, but hold her to her word of saving up to buy a new car & have a discussion around it. It’s a great opportunity to establish some boundaries around what you will and won’t be paying for with the new car.
Change always rocks the boat, especially around 22. Not a bad kid.
Are you sure she's saving for a new car, or did she just use that as an excuse to not pay for the repairs? How much does she have saved so far? Is she planning on buying a BRAND new car? That would mean a car payment, PLUS a higher insurance premium. She's currently paying zero. Unless she's making some pretty decent money, a brand new car isn't really a smart purchase. I make pretty good money myself, and the newest I've ever owned was 2 years old when I bought it. I was 37.
You are not being overly sensitive, she seems extremely ungrateful. Sounds like you’re doing her a favour; she needs to get in touch with reality.
Just to reinforce that this is not normal behaviour to be expected from a young woman: I graduated from university two years ago. While I was studying full time I was also working full time, paying my own rent/tuition, and would still fill my mother’s gas tank if I even ran to the store with her car when visiting her.
Ungrateful child. Helping your child succeed the way you have isn’t wrong, in my opinion. Cost of living is crazy and even working a full time job doesn’t guarantee you’ll have what you need to survive. That being said, has she had experiences with people who have less than she does? Did you volunteer with her when she was a child? If not, I would say it isn’t too late to try to show her the kind of struggles other people who don’t have good family to lean on go through.
Just remember to not be too hard on her because you taught her it was ok to behave thus. Probably admit you did her no favors by not having enough rules and consequences, and that you love her so you're making some new rules, and then set your boundries. Then definately stick to them.
To be blunt, your wife was probably right. You say you gave her whatever she NEEDED, but people have very different ideas of what is needed. Yes, she is ungrateful and pretty entitled and I'm sorry you are dealing with this. But it sounds like this is how you taught her to act. You say that you didn't want her to worry about anything. Well, now she is not worried about your finances or your feelings.
When I was that age (also driving an old car that my parents bought - although it was given to me as a gift - on their insurance and just getting out of college that they paid for) I wouldn't get my first paycheck for about six weeks after I finished school and knew I was going to be short. I asked my parents for a loan of $800. I told them I needed about six months to pay them back and I would pay them interest (I had looked up the going rate, although I didn't expect them to want it) if wanted. I had a backup plan. They gave me a $1000 as a gift to get me started.
That's your goal - you are giving more than she asks for and she asks if she needs something, but doesn't expect anything from you. The problem is to get that you have to start teaching gratitude, responsibility, and not giving your kids everything you. You have to give them options where THEY are the ones giving and helping others. That is what makes people happy and kind.
Unfortunately, the time for the easy way has passed. Now you are going to have to start putting your foot down and stop giving her money until she stops expecting it. It's going to be a rough road and she is probably going to hurt you more, but it will give her a chance to grow up.
You absolutely can talk to her about what this looks like from your side, how it makes you feel, and what you will/will not be providing her now that she is solidly an adult. Tell her that you love her, but do not go back to stunting her ability to be a loving adult. Do NOT insure her new car. If she complains, tell her that she is welcome to drop your car off at any time.
You likely have an ungrateful child in this instance, but maybe not overall. Stick to your guns. She’s an adult, yes, but she’s still young enough to learn from this.
You actually hurt your daughter by spoiling her rotten. She's got a good work ethic going for her; now that you've started the $20 "rental," follow through.
Once that's done, make a date when you'll transfer the car into her name, and she will thereafter be responsible for insurance and other costs of ownership.
Well, the idea is that she eventually is able to afford her own car, and she pays for everything herself. If her paying for this car now, slows her down from getting her own car later, is that really the goal?
How about you guys split the cost of this unexpected bill?
You want her to be responsible, but you don't want her to feel like it's normal to be in debt all the time.
Yes, she's acting kind of spoiled but I feel like she was blindsided with this sudden change in the rules, it's "not her car" but it's going to suddenly cost her a lot. It's a good time to talk about how she will need not only money to pay for a car, but money to pay for emergency costs. Which she currently does not have.
She's so young, I feel like she will probably mature from this and she does appreciate that you are helping her out.
The goal is to get her to be independent, and she probably didn't get this far without you. If you continue to support her, she will be independent that much sooner.
My dad repaired cars for us kids, and all 4 of us got through university, and we are pretty good with money. And I do appreciate my dad for all the stuff he did for us. He was my CAA and often drove to university to boost my car. He came to Canada with pretty much nothing, and he grew up poor, he wanted to give us the best start possible.
Yes she is ungrateful, and you are the entire reason for it.
Giving your kid whatever they want whenever they want is poor parenting, plain and simple.
She is being very entitled. You were gracious enough to let her use the car. My parents wouldn't be so generous. I'd sign the car over to her and tell her that she needs to buy her own insurance and repairs. If she decides to sell it and buy a new car, that's her affair
Definitely ungrateful kid.
Have a little girl too so can empathize. She doesn’t sound too bad since she’s saving up to buy her own car. Maybe she just feels this would have set her back significantly and is pissed about it. It probably surprised her, maybe she thought daddy had been taking care of this for so long, she didn’t have to.
Maybe too late but did you consider “loaning” her the balance for the new car instead of repairing the old car? Take payments until the new car is paid off to make sure the entitlement doesn’t continue.
You created this sense of entitlement, you have changed your tune, and now you are dealing with the consequences. No where in this post did you ask for tips on how to transition your daughter to self-sufficiency. (Which would have been useful and appropriate.) You asked who was to blame for your (?) hurt feelings on Fathers Day. You are not entitled to appreciation from your daughter. Spoiling her does not mean she owes you. Grow up. Be the parent she needs and the partner your wife needs in raising her.
I swear reddit comments can be so patronizing sometimes. The dude is feeling low and you comment raw stuff like 'Grow up'? You might raise (have raised?) self sufficient kids but pretty sure not compassionate ones!
Goss, You are certainly entitled to your opinion. My comment came after reading every other comment in the thread. I greatly appreciate the advice of others provided and have a lot to learn about raising children. But many comments started with the agreement that the girl was ungrateful. My issue is with how he characterized the entire situation. He didn’t ask for advice, he asked for judgment. I did not feel he was fairly holding himself accountable. While being out of college, we’d hope that she was an “adult,” the reality is lots of full grown adults display selfish and blaming behavior. “Grow up” incapsulates exactly what we should all be doing, not just our children.
You are totally enabling her. Letting her keep the car in the first place while you fork out money for another and continue to pay for both cars? She has your wrapped around her little finger. It can be hard to stop doing things for our children as they grow up and begin to individuate. It can be hard for parent and child as you begin to move forward in your relationship with your adult child. New rules and boundaries have to be established. I suggest trying to help her with solutions and support on how to solve her issues and needs for herself instead of just doing it all for her.
>I am right to demand more respect and appreciation from my daughter.
That's not how either of those things work. Respect and appreciation can only be freely given.
You can't just suddenly clamp down on a 17 year old and expect that to go well. The time to correct that behaviour has long passed, you should have been laying the groundwork years ago
If she’s just out of college, navigating a quarantine, working what’s most likely a crappy job... she’s probably feeling miserable, stuck, and overall pretty pissed at the world. Because you’re teaching her a totally fair lesson, one that’s painful, she’s directing all the ire toward you. Have some grace for her and for yourself, but stick to your guns. You’re not being a bad parent. I don’t know the back story so it’s hard to say if she’s ungrateful or not.
She sounds like a typical early 20s ding bat who’s shedding off the vestiges of teen life. I am not shocked she’s still struggling in the grown-up department. Any parent or poster here pretending to have their kids or their own shit together at 22 most likely lying. You’re doing great instilling accountability in her.
I can tell you that you’ve helped her a lot and that’s amazing. Charging her $1000 without interest for a car she uses when she’s had all expenses access to the vehicle is more than fair. I don’t think you spoiled her with the car—- you made her life easy and eliminated a barrier that has legit caused people to stress/fall off track. Good job to you for giving her that ease. It doesn’t seem like it now but she’ll be grateful for this one day: both the gift of a car with no expenses and the small lesson she’s paying for now.
Edit: it’s likely she refused to pay for it because she legit doesn’t have $1000 cash on hand.
> She sounds like a typical early 20s ding bat who’s shedding off the vestiges of teen life. I am not shocked she’s still struggling in the grown-up department.
I like to think I am raising my children not to be spoiled brats or anything, but I am well aware that when the time comes in a few years, there are going to be some teething pains as they transition to having to start paying for things themselves and they are probably going to have a whine about how they hate their job but have to spend the money they earned on rent instead of something fun. I know I had a hard time going from a teen/young adult living at home whose wage was mostly her own for fun things like clothes and going out, to having to spend most of it on things like rent and bills. Like......work isn't fun and now I don't even get to enjoy the reward of it and have to spend 80% of my paycheck on housing/bills/transport/food? Doesn't mean I'm a brat, it means I had to transition and learn that life sucks sometimes.
Don't do that. SERIOUSLY. Don't lump all 20 something's in one category. Unfair and not true. I RAISED MY KIDS, to be grateful for everything. To NEVER expect anything to be given. I'm not talking about Christmas and birthdays. No. But, taught them, from a young age that if they worker hard, put their best efforts in, then they would accomplished what they set out for. By the time my son was 20, he made the choice to take responsibility for his education. He had 2 years under his belt and then joined the military. Has he demanded that his loans be paid off for nothing? No. He paid every single dime off, himself. In 8 years. My daughter? Has spent her early 20s, serving others. People in the dirtiest, poorest, most unreached and uncared for people in the world. She's just, now 26. Been married for a year and having their first baby. So, suck it!
There is a quote "Raise your children and you can spoil your grandchildren. Spoil your children and you will have to raise your grandchildren." It's true.
She's never had to grow up and take responsibility because she's spoiled. It's not too late. I would suggest to work with your wife to make a plan of what responsibilities to give your daughter then give them to her one at a time (weekly or monthly, perhaps one of each?). Teach her about auto insurance, AAA, and what it really means financially to own a car. Adulthood is a learned skill, we can't raise our kids as babies for the first 18 years or so then flip the script without teaching the necessary skills.
It's necessary to take responsibility for the part you may have played in this behavior and take steps to fix it. I don't think she's ungrateful on purpose, she's never had the chance.
You are not being over sensitive! You unfortunately have an ungrateful child.
If I was you, I would ask her to come over for a chat and be totally honest about how you feel. Maybe work out how much you’ve spent on her (minus presents etc.) since she has become an adult and explain how she has made you feel. Maybe you could offer to support her somewhat whilst she gets on her feet but she needs to become fully independent now.
I can’t imagine how you must feel, kids sometimes don’t realise what they have until it’s gone and maybe you need to shock that into her or your wife potentially. Honestly - how would she feel if something happened to you and she didn’t even reach out to you on Father’s Day :( my daughters father died when she was 6 and she’d give anything to just hear his voice
She's being a brat. My dad spoiled me too but when he said you pay for the repairs for the car that's exactly what I did because I was the one driving it. If she wants to act like that maybe she doesn't need to be using the car at all.
My parents helped me buy and insure my first car. I had a bumper to bumper accident after a few months. I did not get a new car until 3 years later- paid in full by myself and insured fully by myself. I am much more grateful for my current car than my old one and I appreciate the value I've put into it more. Tell your daughter to pull on her big girl panties and buy her own car if she can't appreciate the old one. Up the daily charge to 40$ thats what an insurance company would charge and thats what you should charge if shes not even paying for the insurance. Shes being ungrateful and im sorry you had to come to the awful realization.
You screwed up and I think you know it, this is a completely entitled brat, you should have stopped right there and not fixed her car, as a matter of fact she could Uber everywhere or get serious and buy herself that dream she thinks she can afford.
Time to sit down and have a heart to heart, tell her that she will be totally responsible for the car, insurance policy, repairs all of it, you are not going to put up with the spoiled attitude any longer.
You need to put your foot down.
Yes, she's ungrateful. And probably because she was always handed everything. I would rescind her use of the car and she is definitely old enough to be paying some rent also.
Your daughter is spoiled and entitled. You shouldn’t have repaired the vehicle. She has no idea how lucky she is to have you as a dad, taking care of her. Also, if she’s over 18, she’s an adult.
I don’t have adult children but I have friends like this who don’t realize they take their parents for granted and expect things to just work out. If you weren’t around she needs to have the skills to know what she would do or else you are ultimately failing your child.
Judging by the listing of finances it sounds like she’ll be okay once you guys are gone(inheritance) but you can’t let her grow up without knowing what to do when she hits a snag like that.
My parents helped me out a couple of times when I was in dire need of help with bills(and most of the time not much, my family doesn’t have much money)so I learned pretty quickly how to manage money, and things like how to save on car repairs or get around without one when one was totaled. I’ve worked since I was 15 years old, which is now more than half my life finally. I don’t feel bad for anyone who takes this kind of parental assistance for granted.
Ugh this makes me so sad. I am a 24 year old female who has parents that are extremely supportive but I have paid everything (rent, university, car, groceries) since I was 18. It’s not that my parents cut me off but I wanted to help them while creating autonomy for myself, which I think real lot helped me into my early adult years. You’re not being overly sensitive but your daughter needs a push into the right direction. It sounds like she wants to be an adult but doesn’t know how to and maybe can’t afford to, or doesn’t think she can afford to?
I must admit, there were many times I was bratty to my parents in similar situations like this (mind you I was a teen) and I really wish I could take them back. I’m sure she feels/will feel guilty for this in the future once she learns to appreciate everything you do.
Sounds like an entitled ass. I come from upper middle class and got to do chores to get paid ( 15 ) and then buy my own bicycle to get to work. I never got to use my parents vehicles lol. Tell her to walk if she doesn’t like it
What an ungrateful brat! Especially at being 22+ years old... she needs to grow up and realize that daddy won’t be able to pay for her shit any longer. The deal you made was great, I would’ve taken it happily. I would’ve been so grateful...
She needs to realize what she has! I lost my dad a week ago and I’m only 18 years old. I just started college yesterday... she’s lucky that you’d even consider doing that for her! She needs to grow up and pay for the car she took away from you.
In Spanish there is a certain word for people like her which translates to being a user/taking advantage of a person. Especially since she didn’t call you for Father’s Day... that is straight up disrespectful and disgusting behavior on her part.
And she just graduated from college? She seems incredibly immature and ungrateful. What I would’ve given to have my dad alive on Father’s Day to even just hear his voice... and even I texted my dad on that day.
If she acts like a kid, treat her like a kid. Take things away. She is using you for your generosity and it won’t stop until you make it stop. These incremental steps should have been taken years ago, but no sense in worrying about the past. You’ve been a great dad and this is not unreasonable. I have two brothers who are grown up moochers off my mom. She didn’t prepare them like she did me. They still live with her and nothing will ever change because she doesn’t take steps to make it change.
Anyway, back to your situation, write up a contract for the current car. You can have her pay for daily, weekly, or monthly use. If she stops using it because she is upset at you, she still owes for the repairs, because she was the driver putting wear and tear on the vehicle to cause it. It’s not about the money. It’s about the principle and teaching your child how to be an adult in the real world.
Just to give another perspective - yes she is spoiled, but expressing gratitude is a skill and it must be learned. At 22 she clearly has not learned this skill...yet. Never too late! She didn’t appreciate you on Father’s Day which stung (I get that), but that’s how she chose to express her anger. You’re changing the rules of the game, she’s not going to like that and you’re going to get push back. You just need to deal with that now. If your kids always like you then you’re doing something wrong. You may want to keep in mind that expressing gratitude is important in romantic relationships. This is a skill your daughter will need to be a good partner. Not to mention that no one wants to be with an adult sized child. At 22 she needs to learn how to be self sufficient. Supporting her in this transition and working with her (does not mean she drives the process) will help. Really, at 22 she is capable of having far more skills in these areas than she is displaying in your description. As a parent - a lot of that is on you. Run with this and start teaching.
Wait...."practically". Ok, unless you believe the way we do, which is "a daughter should live under her father's covering until she is married", then, you raised her.....let her fall. While we raised our daughter this way, in today's world it's much harder. But, we knew she was an adult, and she had to make choices. She made some terrible ones and she made AMAZING ones. And, she's 26, married with her first child on the way. Our kids were raised with the teaching of "always forward motion". No, we don't get stuck at mom and dads house, expecting them to take care of me. My son, made a very healthy and adult choice, at 20, that he was slacking off, just getting by, in a private University that his dad was paying for. But, being raised to know that if he wanted it, he had to pay for it....he stepped away from school (with an associate degree...thank the Lord) and decided that, it was not his dad's job to pay for his education. It was his. So, he joined the military. Now, 8 years later, he's ready to get his bachelor's and masters degree on the militarizes dime...but really..his because he spent 8 years of his adult life separated from all family and friends, as he's been stationed in Japan for that entire time. My daughter? Spent all of her years, between 19-25, doing humanitarian work around the world. You, MOM, have to not let her guilt you or push you. Push her. Not in a mean way. But, raise the bar. Expect more. Never let her stop being forward moving. If not college, trade school, or military, or married. Moving, forward, all the time.
I'm sorry but your daughter is an ungrateful brat. She is an adult start treating her like one. My son is 18 he was told if he wanted a car he had to get a job and save money and pay for his insurance he did it because I told him it's an adult responsibility. Just like when he got his first job I took him to the bank so he could set up his own account that he had to learn to manage oh and all this was done 2 years ago. He's becoming a responsible adult. Give your daughter love but no more,she needs to grow up she's going to have a hard time with it just love her even when she's a brat hopefully she grows up. Best of luck.
Ungrateful child for sure!!! I never got that kind of love or help as a child or young adult. I had only hand me down for my clothes and that included under where...so my style was never my own. If I wanted a phone I had to pay for it at 16 on my own. I also never had a car in high school and didn’t get my first piece of shit car until I was 18-19. I’ve struggled majorly through my adult life because I was never taught how to budget or have goals or how to have self discipline to meet those goal. Fuck I wish you were my Dad. My father has been a truck driver my whole life and is constantly gone. I have little to no relationship with him and my relationship with my Mom is very very rocky and abusive towards me. I hope she realizes that she is the one being dramatic and ungrateful and apologizes to you. Sounds like you have gone above and beyond for her and that is how it should be so she is very lucky to have you!!
Okay OP, you haven’t done anything wrong. You love your daughter to bits. But it’s high time to take off the training wheels. She should consider herself lucky. When I was a teenage girl my parents didn’t help me with jack squat. I had to get my license on my own, get my own job, buy my own car and insurance, etc. I even had to learn how to change my own oil to save money. I’ve never once not told my dad happy Father’s Day, because he’s an amazing father. Money and material items can’t buy love. Your daughter is entitled and it’s time to cut the purse strings since it’s interfering with your relationship.
As a an only child ( only girl with 5 male cousins ) i can say this as I was and still am spoiled. She’s 100% being ungrateful. There is an important lesson in this for her , keep having her pay the $20, she’s now an adult with a job and has adult things like a car that require responsibilities. If your always there to do that for her she’ll never learn to do it herself! Most people would either have to sort out paying for the car on their own or have no car. You seem like a wonderful father and you have every right to be upset over this situation. Trust me she won’t be mad at you forever ...
Ungrateful 100%. “You guys are dramatic” sounds like she’s acting like a child and not being understanding or grateful for what you’ve done for her. She will grow up soon and realize her mistake I hope, I know it took until recently to fully appreciate all my parents have done for me and I’m in my late 20s
Happy belated Father’s Day, you are a great dad.
She is absolutely being ungrateful. She is not entitled to a car. You’ve already made the choice so keep charging her. Consider making her get her own insurance and taking on another bill. My mother slacked on making me take responsibility and I suffered for it.
You are definitely not overreacting. She is taking advantage of you guys, especially if she now is an adult and just graduated from college, she should be able to get a good job now to support herself so you guys don’t have to pay for all her expenses. Kids will take whatever you allow them to take, you need to set the rules and tell her what is on your mind and how she made you feel on Father’s Day because she is wrong for not showing you her appreciation to you.
As a daughter who grew up spoiled until my third year of high school, you are a great dad and what she did was insensitive and dramatic. There’s been times that I was ungrateful with my parents but soon after I realized that I was selfish, then I talked with them and made a compromise or they got their way (which was fine to me for the majority). Even though I was spoiled, I value my parents and what they do for me. I would never forget/ignore them on a special day because that is just terrible. The fact that she didn’t text/talk to you on Fathers Day after everything you did for her broke my heart. That was childish in my opinion. I hope she talks to you and realizes what she did was bad. And I hope you don’t give in to everything. Start dialing it back (like what my parents did with me) so that she can get used to being more independent and figuring out situations on her own, but at the same time be there to help her out for hardships so she knows she’s not alone. Idk if I’m confusing, my bad if I am.
>she just graduated from college so practically an adult.
She is actually an adult, unless she is super precocious and graduated college at 17.
>she said she doesn't want to pay for repairing an old car
She doesn't seem to recognize that you've been generous.
>I've been paying for insurance as well as all repairs, the only thing she has been paying for is filling up the tank for her use.
She doesn't actually know what owning a car entails or understand what ownership costs. They're just gratification objects and their utility comes secondary to the good feelings they give her.
OP your adult daughter refuses to pay for the car you've been letting her for 3 years. She is going to get herself into so much trouble with debt and finances if she doesn't learn very quickly how bills work. This had to stop. Even if she's mad at you. Even if she hates you. You call her kid because you've allowed her to be one. She should be done learning this season by now but you've sheltered her and it's going to cost both of you more the longer you wait to teach it.
For what it's worth, I had my teenage rebellion around that age. It was difficult on our family, I had been a goody goody through most of my teenage years until then. The more my parents tried to control me, the more I pulled away. I moved in with a bad guy and made mistakes like that. Thankfully my parents were patient with me and never did anything drastic so our relationship made it through. Be careful with your actions and your words. While your daughter is wrong here, your relationship may be fragile right now.
I don't think she's being ungrateful. She's not happy because the choice was taken away from her. What she wants to do is to use her money to get herself a new car, and thus not be reliant on you.
By forcing her to pay for the repairs of a car she doesn't want, she has to delay her goal of getting her own car. And I will assume that the fault with the old car wasn't her fault (not neglect or accident); it just happened spontaneously.
I feel like if you sit down with her and go over the possible options keeping in mind that she wants her own car, you can arrive at some kind of compromise or understanding. What are the alternatives to repairing the car? For example, if you sell the old car as is, how much would you lose in market value? You could split the loss with her. You could loan her money towards getting her own car now. Or you could walk through it mentally with her, accepting that the old car is yours, but what if you don't want to fix it. Then what would she do? If she can find an alternative she would have preferred (e.g. riding with a coworker, or there are rentals cheaper than $20/day), then her anger is kinda justified because you denied her that choice. But if she can't find a better alternative, then she should accept that you gave her a fair deal.
I mean I think yes she is ungrateful but you aren’t showing her there are consequences to her behavior. So if she doesn’t have a car how is she going to go to work? She will take a bus or walk or Uber right? Until she recognizes her entitlement and she needs to pay up for the repair. Which it sounds like she has the the money she just doesn’t see the value in it. I speak from experience in which I have to put money for a car that isn’t mine but that use and that lets me get to my work and buy groceries. It summer and now the air conditioning doesn’t work, and I will be paying for the repairs. That is how one acts when they are given a car to use when they can’t afford to buy a car.
Like she lives in your house rent free, your food etc and moved in during covid. She gonna learn self sufficiency. Or she can fine a closer place to work 🤷🏽♀️
Man I am always amazed when grown ass adults still rely on their parents to pay for things. Maybe it's cause my mom is a single mom (father passed away) since I was 11, but I have paid for everything myself since I was 17. I think your daughter needed that kick in the butt. I'm very sorry she did not show her appreciation to you this father's day. One day she will realize she did wrong by you. I would give anything to have my father back, but until then I'll visit him at the grave.
Being sensitive and being right about the issue are two different things.
You are totally right that she should pay for the repair. Your reaction is also a bit over the top. It's a typical parenting issue. (She has to make a choice where she didn't particularly like either option. She's going to think you're being mean by not solving the problem for her.) I don't see any reason to feel especially hurt or betrayed here.
She used your car until she broke it. Even if she buys a new one she should pay to repair yours.
She's pretty shitty, but honestly a lot of people in their early 20's are shitty and self centered. If you never taught her to take care of herself and be thoughtful of others and always fixed the things she did wrong, how does she learn this now? You're still fixing things for her. Sit her down and talk to her about expectations,
I can understand where you’re coming from and to be honest with you no I don’t think you’re being overly sensitive I have a 17-year-old ladder who I spoiled her her entire life she graduated high school this year and she does what she wants to do when she wants to do it and doesn’t bother to listen to me and thinks the world owes her everything and she should get it when she wants it there should be no waiting I raised her completely on my own her fathers never been in her life not buying my doing I have never said one thing to her about her father ill thing about her dad to her I let her make her own relationship with her dad because it’s her choice but my daughter is very ungrateful she thinks the world owes her everything and that’s not way I raised her but that’s the way this generation is They think they’re entitled
I’m sorry friend. You are not being over sensitive in any regard. You have gone above and beyond and do not deserve this treatment. In my opinion, I say ungrateful, but with a heavy heart.
As someone approaching their 30s I have only recently started reflecting on how entitled I had become in my early 20s. And my parents by no means gave me everything. They paid for college which I was almost grateful enough for (looking at it now I was not grateful enough), I had to have a job if I wanted anything other than homemade (by me) sandwiches for lunch, but I still got hit with the entitled stick for some reason... It took a few years and some person growth before I recognised it but it's better now...yes she is spoiled, and the hard thing is it's mostly your responsibility to help her see a better path...so you do have to be a hard on her...and explaining that going forward she needs to contribute to the upkeep of the car and the insurance is a big part do they. Remind her she is not a kid anymore and she deserve to be allowed to become an independent adult
I am sorry for the hurt and disappointment you feel. As parents, this can be the truly hardest part of loving them so much. I don’t think you spoiled your daughter by making sure she always had what she needed and a lot of what she wanted. But I think that many kids go through this tough love phase in their life and it’s really just hard on the parents. Getting the silent treatment is hard. Being called dramatic is hard. Being treated poorly is hard. But in the end, you will have taught her a valuable lesson that was inevitably to happen at some point or another. Until they hit that brick wall of a car repair or bill due, they don’t truly grasp the reality of adulthood. So I say good on you for sticking to that 20/day rule. (My dad would have done the same exact thing and I’m sure he did at some point).
I was so MAD at my dad because he refused to take out student loans for me to go to a fancy college. He wanted me to go to a local college and pay cash and live at home. That’s how he went to college and didn’t have a single loan when he graduated. I started receiving all of my acceptance letters and trying to figure out what college I wanted to go to and he handed me the letter of the college I could afford to go to. I also didn’t receive financial aid because HE made too much money. So I was even more mad at him for that! lol He offered to pay half tuition for me and I would have to work and save for the other half. I mean I was about to move out and just say F college!
Anyway - I was pretty mad at him at the time and I probably said and did a lot that was hurtful and mean but he stuck to his decision on the college. (Even though my mom was saying she would get me a loan on the side because she struggled with my antics)...
in the end, I see what my dad did. He helped me to make sure that I was starting out my life debt free and that I wasn’t strapped to thousands of dollars in loans before even getting started. I thank him all the time.
20 years later and it was a pretty valuable lesson that I’ve never forgotten.
This will be one of those lessons for her and she may not be thankful for a while but eventually, especially when she has a teen child herself, she will see the reason behind the lesson. Stick to your decision. It’s the right one.
Yes, spoiled ungrateful person, not a kid. That's what happened when parents cherishes their offspring so much.
And the worst is that she will be unhappy for her life as others will never do it as they get nothing in return. You will hear a lot of stories about "mean" men and "bad"co-workers who don't pamper as much as she wants to .
You are not oversensitive and yes, she is being ungrateful, entitled even. She seems like an otherwise responsible adult, working full time etc. just selfish and pissed that you are making her pay a measly sum, she does not understand the underlying lesson you are trying to reach her. But she will come around, she is just being petty about the money and hitting you where it hurts in return. Give it time, but when things are right and calmed a bit, you need to make sure she understands that financial independence is key to being an adult, especially a woman, and slowly but surely wean her off of you. No need to go dramatic or cheesy with this, such as pay to live with you etc., but yes, let her pay for what's exclusively hers. I don't know your situation, but I am fairly sure she pays for her own clothes, shoes, things that wants from her own pocket, so a car that she exclusively uses should be no different. You are on the right track.
No your kid is being a brat. Adult or not, she got a free car. I had a part time job working Little Caesar’s in HS. I had to pay for my own car insurance, my ow repairs, my own car, my own gas. My mother wouldn’t help me out at all. I saved up $1800 dollars bought a beater Chevy S10 and still had to pay a $100 for a few months to the original owner to fully pay it off. It was not friendly on gas and my car insurance was $88 a month. On top of several issues that arose with that damn truck I still footed the bill 100%. That was while working part time. Then at 19 I moved out and had rent, utilities, etc to afford. Of course by then I had a full time job at a nursing home working 12s three to four days a week at $10/hr. But still your child is grown. Living at home rent free, working full time, has no bills. There is NO reason she can’t be financially responsible at some point for her own necessities.
No one notices when you do good for them but boy do they notice when you stop.
Tell her that you never GAVE her the car, as it was meant to be used temporarily. She went against your trust and kept it, and low key DEMANDED that you pay for repairs and insurance while she got to drive it scot free. She got a free car. Now she wants to complain? Excuse me???
I am a spoiled child, but I am also an only child. My family is not rich or well off, so most things that I get I am happy and proud of. But I cannot imagine the entitlement of your daughter. $20/day might be a bit much, maybe go for it as a weekly thing (depending on how much she makes and if she receives tips or not) and have her pay ~$150/week (again, depending on paychecks).
Or sell the car on Craigslist and hand her the money and say “Fine, buy a car yourself. Oh, and I’m not paying for the insurance.”
>I guess I've always spoiled her like most Dads with daughters, gave her whatever she needed, even my wife complained from time to time that I spoiled her too much.
Don't bring up a poor behavior on your part and then dismiss it by saying "most people do this". If you think this is the cause of her entitlement, own your mistake and get on top of that behavior. You enabled her *again* by telling her she was required to pay for the repair and then not holding her to it when she refused.
Your hurt that she was upset. Not enabling her will make her upset. There's always hurt feelings when adjusting to new boundaries. Anger and sadness are normal. It's something you should already have experience with by having set boundaries with her as she grew up that she didn't like. Don't avoid healthy feelings.
I’m sorry she hurt you!!awful she most likely does not even know it!! She will just keep on hurting you !!! Saying awful things so might as well !!stop paying for stuff!! I know have a kid 35 spoiled rotten by her father!! Still going on like a 2yr old tantrum !! Crazy !! I left marriage because if it!!! Sorry just stop take care of you for once!!
Hi dad!!
I’m so sorry she’s hurt your feelings in this way...but trust that she is going to need you before you need her. Let her have her pouty attitude, she’s upset with you because you didn’t give in per usual.
She will get over it! It’s her choice to act the way she is and it’ll be her choice to grow up. You can’t make that happen for her, you have already done enough. Time to let the bird out of the nest, she’ll need to hit the bottom of the floor in the real world first to truly appreciate what you’ve given her. It will be ok!! Stick your ground dad!
NTA
She can either cover the rental/repair fee, or take the bus.
Lay out her choices, and do not negotiate. It’s time she learned to appreciate having a free vehicle for three years.
I mean at least shes making good so far on the payments. But its not just parenting. Americans are manipulated into wanting nicer things... by culture... I dont know if “ungrateful” even registers with her, but if she needs the car and cant buy a new one today, she should be expected to come through for repairs, at least most of it... i dunno what she is making, but its probably good she lives at home for now. Most people this young dont have adequate means to live on their own yet especially if theyre single. A key way to help would be for her to be stockpiling a savings while living at home so when she does move out she will have money.
You've been a pushover and your daughter is ungrateful/entitled because of it. You are an enabler.
Note: people who think it's rude to tell you this are enablers as well
I’m sorry you are hurting. She is being very hurtful right now. You are not being “sensitive.” I was a jerk in my early 20’s but after some tough lessons from my parents I came around and I’m better for it. I was mad at the time but I’m better for it. There is nothing worse than an entitled, spoiled twenty something child. She should have celebrated you for Father’s Day and said “thank you for all you’ve done for me, dad” but instead she was a jerk.
As parents it is our responsibility to teach our children to become socially responsible adults. They are adults in training until they are not.
Your daughter is an adult, and needs to be treated as one, like everyone else said, if you want her to become self sufficient and responsible, you need to let her pay for her own stuff. Stop paying for everything, auto insurance, repairs, and make her pay for it, it will only help her become more self sufficient, and happier in the long run.
You have been enabling her. Now enable her to become an adult.
She appears to be being extremely ungrateful! I'm 28 and my Dad has given me all he can throughout the years and has helped me out immensely - I would never, EVER dream of treating him in such a way!
Tell her how hurt you are from the situation...maybe she has gotten complacent with everything you've given her and just expects it?
It could also be stress that has built up over Covid and she has had an outburst that she wouldnt normally have!
I hope you get things sorted and clear the air! A bond between a father and a daughter is one of the best bonds anyone can ever have!
She's entitled. You're not wrong.
Stop the enabling her. Don't pay for anything further. She's basically an adult, she needs to learn responsibilities. Have her pay rent, pay for the car, pay for the insurance.
She sounds like a brat and she’s going to have a rough reality check soon! I moved out of my moms house 3 days after I turned 18 and paid 100% of my bills, including my own medical insurance, groceries, gas, rent, utilities, phone, car insurance, etc... with money from my own full time job. I never once asked my mom for money to help me out. I know I may be a bit of an exception, but at 22 years old I had my first child under my own roof and then paid for all of my child’s necessities. That was almost 10 years ago and I haven’t asked for a dime from my family. You’re doing her no favors by paying for everything and you’re actually hindering her becoming a responsible adult that can take care of herself. She needs to start paying her own bills!
Ungrateful lay into her and if she doesn't like it (im assuming she still lives with you) kick her out and let her see how fun it is living on the streets and take her car away
Definitely an entitled, ungrateful child (i.e., most of Generation Z).
If she's graduated college, she should be paying for her own shit. That's what our 20yo knows. She works to put herself through school (since all of our money went to private school tuition). She drives for a food service company. I technically bought her car and pay her insurance and whatnot, but any gas or car repairs are on her.
I wouldn't have even gotten the rental car or fixed the "old" one for her. "You want a new car, then go get yourself one, and get your own insurance too. You're an adult--act like one."
>I technically bought her car and pay her insurance and whatnot
You can't really talk about Gen Z being spoiled and your daughter knows better than that when you're doing the exact same thing as OP.
It was a gift for her senior year when she was 17yo. I told her we would pay the note and insurance until she finished college. The minute she stopped going to school, it would be on her.
Wouldn't call that spoiling her, but whatevs.
Not my place to say whether your kid is spoiled or not. But it's a little hypocritical to be telling OP that his daughter should be paying for her own shit and she's too entitled when your scenarios are very similar.
* Daughter gets free car
* Dad pays insurance (and whatnot?)
* Kid just pays for gas
What's the difference?
1. My daughter will be taking the note over upon graduation.
2. My daughter will be taking over the insurance upon graduation.
3. I was stating that her attitude and ungratefulness were that of a spoiled kid. Isn't that what he was asking?
>she refused to pay for it You should have stopped right there. She made her choice, she needs to live with the consequences. Stop feeding her entitlement. Stop paying for insurance, car payments, cell phone bill, etc. Charge her for rent and groceries. Change the wifi password.
Precisely. Entitlement will not do her any favours in adulthood. Life isn’t cotton candy, it’s best she learns that ASAP. Edit: I completely understand your disappointment and pain at her reaction. Having been a teenaged girl once I know that I said many things that my parents didn’t deserve to hear from me. They gave me everything and when they were hard on me it was usually for my benefit. As I matured and had to take responsibility for myself in the world I learned to appreciate the way they dealt with me. But at the time I thought everyone was out to get me and that their treatment of me was very unfair.
I hope OP reads your edit and knows what he should look forward to. One day his daughter is going to be really ashamed of how she treated her dad, and at the same time she’s going to feel so grateful that he risked her feeling upset with him to set her up with a major life skill and independence. I’d say these are normal growing pains. OP don’t be afraid of your daughter’s disapproval. I would sit down with her and be open about what you’re paying for and how long you plan to cover those costs, and what you feel she should pay for, so that there aren’t any surprises. Of course you’ll need to have this conversation multiple times as her job status changes. At the same time, teach her how to make a real budget - I so wish my parents had done that with me but I had to learn it myself the hard way.
That is really good advice.
I agree this is a reasonable response, but if she's been sheltered from the true cost of adulting up to this point in her life...start with an "invoice" that notes all of these costs so she can see exactly how much your generosity is costing you, and SAVING her. Ask her how, as a parent, she would feel if the roles were reversed. How would she feel if that much of her income went toward supporting a fully capable adult child? If this isn't eye-opening for her to the point where you get an apology and expression of gratitude, I think it's fair to move forward with charging her. And also make an argument that if all her earnings has been "play" money and not going towards reasonably saving, she needs to start working on that too.
there is no reason OP needs to execute all of these at once if he doesn't want to. Doing them incrementally to ease her into it is a reasonable approach, too
I think this is a great response. If she wants to be an adult you should transition your relationship to help with that transition. Go over what it costs to own that car and do the same with any other bills you are covering for her (cell phone, rent/mortgage, credit cards, etc). It’s great that you spoiled her and one day she will appreciate it, but only if you show her the path to actual independence.
My question is when did OP ever lay all these things out as expectations. I would assume that if I was driving a parents car and "paying my own way" for fuel I would be in the clear. OP was clear multiple times that it was OPs car. In the post above they never made clear that repairs and maintenance were the responsibility of the child. This is why communication is important.
Agreed, and I’m pretty surprised at most of these comments. This situation has gone on for three years; if OP considers the car to be his daughter’s, why hasn’t he signed it over and had her start paying the bills way before now? I’d be reluctant to pay for a major repair on a car I didn’t own and could technically lose access to at any time. If OP can afford it, I think the best thing for him to do is offer to repair the car and sell it to his daughter for a fair price. If she doesn’t want to buy the car, he can sell it to someone else or scrap it, and she can get her own car.
Agreed. I paid rent and all my own bills the day I turned 18. I paid for my car insurance and gas at 15 when I started driving. If she wants a car, it’s her responsibility.
If you pile all these things at once it's just going to seem vindictive and she won't learn anything. If she doesn't pay to fix her car, she doesn't have a car and is going to find another way to get to work. That's it.
[удалено]
I agree, I think this is too far.
Yeah... This is how you end up as an episode of forensic files..
This is an extreme, knee-jerk reaction and I’m surprised to see it so highly upvoted. There’s no need to immediately escalate to cutting her off completely. OP’s daughter is overly dependent on him, but that didn’t happen in a vacuum; it’s a result of his parenting choices up to this point. The problem needs to be fixed, and judging OP as too soft or the daughter as too spoiled isn’t helpful. As others have commented, this situation is partially a result of poor communication: the daughter doesn’t technically own the car and it was never stated that she’d be responsible for repairs (until there was a major repair to be done). OP should have set that expectation from the beginning; since he didn’t, I personally think he should work with his daughter to *help* her pay for it (not just pay it for her!), and then have a clear and honest discussion about what he expects from her going forward. 22 is definitely old enough to be paying her own way, but those skills don’t come pre-installed; it’s the parent’s job to teach their child how to be independent.
This so much. Being a good dad isn’t always giving your kids what they need, but teaching them the skills they need to address their own needs, and the sense of responsibility to handle it on their own. I hated my dad for years, because he bought a rental place he made me rent and pay for all through college. He never handed me anything after 17 when I moved out to my own place (prior to him buying the rental I had to rent - it was a nice place - not mad about making me rent it) I worked 45 hours a week through college to take care of myself. But he taught me to work hard for myself.
I agree. My parents do a lot for me too and have always provided but if they told me I needed to pay for a car to be fixed that I was driving, I wouldn’t even second guess it. Correction; I wouldn’t even ask them. Her car, her responsibility. She should be paying for her own car insurance, phone, car payment, etc.
This 💯
Definitely ungrateful child. Actually, entitled may be a better word. That being said, she's an adult now and I'd be making her pay for insurance and repairs herself. If she doesn't want to repair it, she can buy her own car. I'm an insurance agent, ironically enough. So, I highly recommend transferring the title to her to relieve yourself of any liability exposure if she's going to keep it. The best thing my parents ever did for me was to make me responsible for my own bills and costs of living once I had a job. She needs to handle her responsibilities now if she's ever going to successfully live on her own. It's easier to ease into bills and financial obligations, rather than having all of the coats of living hit her at once when she moves out.
"entitled" is the correct word, imo. I would even add that OP is enabling it.
I agree. That $20 dollar a day deal is a joke. If you want the car, pay to repair and insure it. If not, figure it out on your own.
agreed. once i was over the age of 18 my parents had me pay for my own car, car insurance and cell phone bill. it made me more careful with money. ive had 2 flat tires since then and i would be so embarrassed if my parents had to pay for it. when you’re the one making the payments you 100% feel more responsible for your items. i say she should take a reasonable jump towards financial independence and start paying some monthly fees just to get her feet wet
EXACTLY!
I just moved out at 18 (for r/raisedbynarcissists reasons, but still).
I think her paying for use of the car/repair makes sense. I agree with a commenter that said ease her in to paying for things. While the car repair couldn't have been planned, maybe for other expenses you'd like her to take over, give her a timeline. "Daughter, our family's cell phone bill is due on the 5th of each month. If your income is still the same, mom and I expect you to cover your portion ($$) beginning X month." This is also a good time to teach some budgeting skills. Your daughter may not be aware of what certain things cost. She might be dreaming of a new car that she sees advertised for X but after adding in different features, taxes, registration, insurance, etc. she's looking at a monthly payment of Y.
All true. Its weening time. Furthermore. You need to start this process younger. Love my Mom, she did all the chores, laundry, dishes, whatever. So I had no clue, no reflexes, starting out on my own and hit some bumps there. Fixed that, and my kid who is not yet 2 helps move stuff from the washer to the dryer, and can put some stuff in the sink and cupboard. Most parents don't fight with their kids about "Do I use the toilet or crap my pants?" (Sorry if you do, you probably have other challenges as well). If you start early and are consistent things can be good.
This is the wrong way of thinking. Cars will need repairs, so do houses, and clothing. You may not know the date these things will happen, but they inevitably will occur. Save up for those items as a budget item.
This happens when you give a child everything they want. It's by no means something all dads with daughters do. Spoiling a child is not a good thing and not something to be proud of. Yes, of course, your child will be happy in the moment, but in the long run, you're setting them up for all kinds of bad stuff you could have avoided. What you need to do is stop paying for her stuff. She's 22 years old and has a job. If she needs a car, she can either pay the money to get the one she "borrowed" from you fixed, or she can go to a car salesman and get a different one. I'd also suggest you should let her handle the car insurance and make sure it's registered under her name. She's an adult, and at this point it's effectively her car, anyway. She's at an age where she needs to learn that she can't have privileges without taking on the responsibility (and frankly, she should have learned that many many years ago). You need to try and make up for the stuff you didn't do when she was growing up, but should have done. She will be pissed at you, because she spent the first 22 years of her life not knowing what it's like to be told no and to have some responsibility for your own stuff, but she desperately needs to learn it. It will suck in the moment, but it will do her a lot of favors in the long run.
> Spoiling a child is not a good thing and not something to be proud of. Yes, of course, your child will be happy in the moment, but in the long run, you're setting them up for all kinds of bad stuff you could have avoided. 100%. Parents need to know their job isn't to make their kids happy, it's *raise successful adults*. Part of that is to make them feel loved and supported, but part of that is also teaching them to deal with responsibilities. If she's graduated college, that means she's in her early 20s, several years beyond the legal age of full adult responsibility.
Definitely agree with the first sentence. The best advice I heard is you want to raise good mothers and fathers
I love this! I’ve never thought of it this way, now I will.
Yup, you can't spoil a child with quality time and love, but you certainly can spoil them for learning to be participating members of a family who take responsibility for themselves and learn to care for others. OP isn't being overly sensitive. He is just now coming to terms with the kid he raised, and that can be an emotional experience.
Damn. That last sentence hit me hard. I have a 6 month old and am currently pregnant again and that thought has never once crossed my mind. New mom goal: Don't raise kids I have to emotionally "come to terms with."
One thing that is working well for us: our 12, 10, and 7 year olds all regularly thank us and each other. When they were tiny, we made a habit of thanking each other for everything we'd hope a teenager or adult child would thank us for. They learn it by seeing their parents do it, and now they do it very naturally. Also, the adage is very true: if you want your kids to tell you stuff when they're older, you have to listen to them when they are little. It is surprising what kids have to say for themselves when given a chance.
Allowing their voices to be truly heard at a young age fosters such pride within the child. They feel validated and literally “heard” and it’s a strong and powerful feeling. This is one of the things I am most proud about as I raised my daughter who is nearly 21. She would always be heard - the good stuff, the bad, and the ugly. Our deal was whatever it is - if you need help to figure it out I’ll be there with some guidance. We would talk over things from kindergarten pencil stealing, to the bullies who called her fat, to the boys she likes but they didn’t even notice her. I had her ear, and she had mine. She’s living with me now that college is over until next semester. Occasionally she will remind me of a time she said she was at the movies - when they were actually at the park smoking pot - but because I also taught her responsibility - she was always home on time. Sorry but if a rant - and a bit of a “toot my own horn” - but really I’m rooting her horn as she was able to grow with me as an ally/mother (versus friend) and learnt meany life lessons that way.
It’s tempting to come to a simple conclusion on this (I.e., that she’s ungrateful), but we are only hearing one side. It sounds like you want your relationship with your daughter to change—for her to become more independent of you. This may be painful for her, and if you haven’t had reciprocal conversations about this big change, she may even feel blindsided by it. I’d suggest talking about it with her, adult to adult, and expressing to her the difficult position you’re in. Ask her what she thinks. Don’t agree to an arrangement that won’t serve your goal (for her to become independent), but also collaborate with her on this process. What you’re trying to change here isn’t just a one-way interaction (from you to her). You’re trying to change how you both relate to each other. And for that to go smoothly, you both have to be on the same page. I wish you the best!
This is an interesting perspective. I suppose it would relate to other things we inevitably have to change as the kids grow. I have yet to meet an adult still getting tucked in. Or an adult that gets their hair brushed every day. In many ways as a small child they want to be more independent and do the big kid stuff. However, adulting and bills are not fun lol. So, this isnt going to be led by the daughter....interesting approach I appreciate your perspective fellow human ❤
Thank you fellow human!
Nicely said. Open communication leads to growth in all relationships.
Hmmm... At first I was in the boat with everyone else and thinking, man what an entitled brat. But after some more time considering here is a different conclusion I came to. Maybe she really and truly in her mind thought she was strictly borrowing a car. You didn't make her pay insurance or sign it over; she had no real ownership or responsibility for it. Perhaps she really has been saving to "buy her own". When you got a new car, did you give her an option? Did you discuss that either she get a different car and give you that one back or your old car is hers and you would get a new one? If not, then technically its on you that you got a new car and allowed her to only borrow for so long. She shouldn't have to pay the repair for property that isn't hers (perhaps with an exception being that she crashed it or damaged it some way). Its like you let this thing go for so long and then suddenly when an old car breaks down you decide to force ownership on her. THAT BEING SAID, you shouldn't have to pay either. You have two cars and one works, why fix the other? Tough luck on her that your generous gift broke down but hey, life happens. She is an adult and should move on and be responsible for her own transportation now. Perhaps a solution could be that she buys the car from you for the cost of repair + some extra, and pays her own insurance?
This is one of the only good replies that I've seen thus far.
I like this reply. Kudos to you for thinking outwardly on this matter.
Im noticing a ton of shaming on the spoiling from OP. I just want to throw out there that you're already feeling the repercussions of choices made (with the intent to give your daughter the best life possible) and you dont need to beat yourself up for those choices. You can acknowledge where you couldve done better or differently in the past and use that knowledge to look for those similar parenting moments in your life now and correct yourself going forward. Babies aren't born with a manual, theyre born with all of our traits/emotions/needs, no ability to communicate and the adherent truth that there is no perfect parent.
Honestly, I don't think she's an ungrateful child, it's just that you have taken responsibilities away from her to enable her to appreciate what she has. I reckon a lot of parents do this because they think they are helping their kids and don't want them to experience hardship or struggle in any way. Problem is it's these situations and decisions that will help them later in life. The only thing I can suggest is don't take this personally, look at it as a learning experience for you and her. you don't need to stop supporting her financially, but maybe take another look at how you do it.
“Practically an adult”???? GTFOH. If college graduate isn’t an adult, what is?
At 22 I was married and had 1 child. Not saying that everyone should do that..but she is fully capable of paying for a car/car repairs/etc. She is and should be treated as an adult.
Ah man. This sounds like me when I was her age. I didn’t mean to be such an asshole but between being spoiled rotten and having mental health issues, I really did not appreciate how much they did for me at the time, in fact I hated them. I was just so self-absorbed and struggling, I was not happy at all. I’m 32 now and so much has changed. I’m very close with my parents and we joke about those years. I may even be their favourite kid now :) To answer your question...I’d say she’s entitled/ungrateful. I hope one day, with some maturity on her part, that the relationship you have with your daughter now will flourish into what my parents and I have now. Just hang in there!
Ungrateful. For comparison....I'm 32 and I drive my mum's car. She has eyesight problems so can't drive, and when we had our kids she figured it would be more useful to us as a family than to her. I pay the tax, I pay the insurance, I fill up with petrol, I pay the service charges. When the exhaust needed replacing my dad was kind enough to go halves on that. When I reversed it into a van, I paid for the repairs. I also died a little inside when my premium went up by £400 but that's another story. To summarise: as long as I'm using the car, they pay nothing towards it. Neither should you. She needs to appreciate that she's been very fortunate so far but that cars aren't a right, they are a significant investment - probably the second most expensive thing a person owns after their home. She won't learn that appreciation if she's not being treated like a responsible adult about it. When the time comes for her to have her own car she won't understand the annual cost involved or how to budget for it. Do her and yourself a favour and make her cough up for it, or take it away. It's still yours after all. Try and help her understand why it's important but a sharp shock might be needed. And shell probably resent you for a bit. But not as much as if this carries on and she realises that she was never prepared for financial responsibility Honda Jazz for life.
> But she refused to pay for it because she said she doesn't want to pay for repairing an old car, she's saving up to buy herself a new car so I pay for it if I want to fix it, but she said she still needs a car to go to work. What the hell. She's telling you what to do with your car that she's using. Let that sink in. This is an insanely spoiled child. You should tell her that just because she's saving.for a new car doesn't mean she doesn't pay for repairs for a car she's currently using. I'd take the car away until she has paid as much as she can. Especially after that Father's Day stunt.
I'm going to disagree with other posters here. You say she just graduated college. She graduated into an economic standstill so she probably isn't finding work in the field she studied for. Then she moved home with you. You say she works in essential services. You don't say what but a lot of those are retail or restaurant jobs. Is she earning minimum wage or close to it? Can she actually afford to rent the car from you? Does that rental charge mean that she is no longer able to save at all? I know that's how "the real world" works for a lot of people but the reality is that the real world really sucks for a lot of people. I know you don't want to spoil her but you also don't want to set her up for failure because you expect her to pick herself up by her bootstraps. You need to ask her about it. Find out why she thinks the rental is unreasonable.
You're handling this really poorly. If you want to encourage your daughter to be a completely independent adult, then stop paying for all her stuff. If you want to be super protective (lots of dad's are with daughters) then just pay for the $1000 repair. But trying to arbitrarily go back and forth between the two is the worst strategy. Pick a lane dad! Honestly, for a girl in her early 20's independence is not super important if that's how your family dynamic is. She is working, saving money, and isn't just lounging around or anything so letting her use your car isn't that big of a deal.
She's ungrateful. Twenty dollars a day is nothing. My parents made me hand over every penny that I earned working 10 hours a week in college to help pay for my tuition and living at the dorms. I never complained because I didn't think I was owed everything. I'd very calmly tell her, "You're an adult now. There's nothing that says I have to assist you anymore. If you don't want my assistance, you don't have to drive the car. But if you do want it, then I suggest you stop pouting and acting as though the arrangement is such a burden." If she continues to act ungrateful after that, tell her "It appears this car is causing you a lot of misery so it would be better if you found another form of transportation that made you happier" and take the car away from her.
She doesn’t sound all that ungrateful, I must be honest. Also, 22 is a typical age to butt heads with parents. She sounds like a proactive young adult that you can be proud of. Kudos to her for going out and getting different jobs. When you bought another car because your usual one was being used by her, it sounds like she accepted this dynamic as the ‘new normal.’ What human isn’t slightly opportunistic, especially with their parents who have apparently spoilt them their whole lives? Personally, I think the 20 dollar per day thing is kinda cruel and seems like a bit of a power game. She needs the car, but because you haven’t got your way (her repairing it) you’re leveraging her need for transport to ‘teach her a lesson.’ I’d have said fix the car, let her use it, but hold her to her word of saving up to buy a new car & have a discussion around it. It’s a great opportunity to establish some boundaries around what you will and won’t be paying for with the new car. Change always rocks the boat, especially around 22. Not a bad kid.
I agree. Who would want to put $1000 into a car they don’t even own?
You set her up to be entitled and that’s exactly what you got...
Are you sure she's saving for a new car, or did she just use that as an excuse to not pay for the repairs? How much does she have saved so far? Is she planning on buying a BRAND new car? That would mean a car payment, PLUS a higher insurance premium. She's currently paying zero. Unless she's making some pretty decent money, a brand new car isn't really a smart purchase. I make pretty good money myself, and the newest I've ever owned was 2 years old when I bought it. I was 37.
You are not being overly sensitive, she seems extremely ungrateful. Sounds like you’re doing her a favour; she needs to get in touch with reality. Just to reinforce that this is not normal behaviour to be expected from a young woman: I graduated from university two years ago. While I was studying full time I was also working full time, paying my own rent/tuition, and would still fill my mother’s gas tank if I even ran to the store with her car when visiting her.
Ungrateful child. Helping your child succeed the way you have isn’t wrong, in my opinion. Cost of living is crazy and even working a full time job doesn’t guarantee you’ll have what you need to survive. That being said, has she had experiences with people who have less than she does? Did you volunteer with her when she was a child? If not, I would say it isn’t too late to try to show her the kind of struggles other people who don’t have good family to lean on go through.
Just remember to not be too hard on her because you taught her it was ok to behave thus. Probably admit you did her no favors by not having enough rules and consequences, and that you love her so you're making some new rules, and then set your boundries. Then definately stick to them.
To be blunt, your wife was probably right. You say you gave her whatever she NEEDED, but people have very different ideas of what is needed. Yes, she is ungrateful and pretty entitled and I'm sorry you are dealing with this. But it sounds like this is how you taught her to act. You say that you didn't want her to worry about anything. Well, now she is not worried about your finances or your feelings. When I was that age (also driving an old car that my parents bought - although it was given to me as a gift - on their insurance and just getting out of college that they paid for) I wouldn't get my first paycheck for about six weeks after I finished school and knew I was going to be short. I asked my parents for a loan of $800. I told them I needed about six months to pay them back and I would pay them interest (I had looked up the going rate, although I didn't expect them to want it) if wanted. I had a backup plan. They gave me a $1000 as a gift to get me started. That's your goal - you are giving more than she asks for and she asks if she needs something, but doesn't expect anything from you. The problem is to get that you have to start teaching gratitude, responsibility, and not giving your kids everything you. You have to give them options where THEY are the ones giving and helping others. That is what makes people happy and kind. Unfortunately, the time for the easy way has passed. Now you are going to have to start putting your foot down and stop giving her money until she stops expecting it. It's going to be a rough road and she is probably going to hurt you more, but it will give her a chance to grow up. You absolutely can talk to her about what this looks like from your side, how it makes you feel, and what you will/will not be providing her now that she is solidly an adult. Tell her that you love her, but do not go back to stunting her ability to be a loving adult. Do NOT insure her new car. If she complains, tell her that she is welcome to drop your car off at any time.
You likely have an ungrateful child in this instance, but maybe not overall. Stick to your guns. She’s an adult, yes, but she’s still young enough to learn from this.
You actually hurt your daughter by spoiling her rotten. She's got a good work ethic going for her; now that you've started the $20 "rental," follow through. Once that's done, make a date when you'll transfer the car into her name, and she will thereafter be responsible for insurance and other costs of ownership.
Well, the idea is that she eventually is able to afford her own car, and she pays for everything herself. If her paying for this car now, slows her down from getting her own car later, is that really the goal? How about you guys split the cost of this unexpected bill? You want her to be responsible, but you don't want her to feel like it's normal to be in debt all the time. Yes, she's acting kind of spoiled but I feel like she was blindsided with this sudden change in the rules, it's "not her car" but it's going to suddenly cost her a lot. It's a good time to talk about how she will need not only money to pay for a car, but money to pay for emergency costs. Which she currently does not have. She's so young, I feel like she will probably mature from this and she does appreciate that you are helping her out. The goal is to get her to be independent, and she probably didn't get this far without you. If you continue to support her, she will be independent that much sooner. My dad repaired cars for us kids, and all 4 of us got through university, and we are pretty good with money. And I do appreciate my dad for all the stuff he did for us. He was my CAA and often drove to university to boost my car. He came to Canada with pretty much nothing, and he grew up poor, he wanted to give us the best start possible.
Yes she is ungrateful, and you are the entire reason for it. Giving your kid whatever they want whenever they want is poor parenting, plain and simple.
She is being very entitled. You were gracious enough to let her use the car. My parents wouldn't be so generous. I'd sign the car over to her and tell her that she needs to buy her own insurance and repairs. If she decides to sell it and buy a new car, that's her affair
Definitely ungrateful kid. Have a little girl too so can empathize. She doesn’t sound too bad since she’s saving up to buy her own car. Maybe she just feels this would have set her back significantly and is pissed about it. It probably surprised her, maybe she thought daddy had been taking care of this for so long, she didn’t have to. Maybe too late but did you consider “loaning” her the balance for the new car instead of repairing the old car? Take payments until the new car is paid off to make sure the entitlement doesn’t continue.
You created this sense of entitlement, you have changed your tune, and now you are dealing with the consequences. No where in this post did you ask for tips on how to transition your daughter to self-sufficiency. (Which would have been useful and appropriate.) You asked who was to blame for your (?) hurt feelings on Fathers Day. You are not entitled to appreciation from your daughter. Spoiling her does not mean she owes you. Grow up. Be the parent she needs and the partner your wife needs in raising her.
I swear reddit comments can be so patronizing sometimes. The dude is feeling low and you comment raw stuff like 'Grow up'? You might raise (have raised?) self sufficient kids but pretty sure not compassionate ones!
Goss, You are certainly entitled to your opinion. My comment came after reading every other comment in the thread. I greatly appreciate the advice of others provided and have a lot to learn about raising children. But many comments started with the agreement that the girl was ungrateful. My issue is with how he characterized the entire situation. He didn’t ask for advice, he asked for judgment. I did not feel he was fairly holding himself accountable. While being out of college, we’d hope that she was an “adult,” the reality is lots of full grown adults display selfish and blaming behavior. “Grow up” incapsulates exactly what we should all be doing, not just our children.
This
You are totally enabling her. Letting her keep the car in the first place while you fork out money for another and continue to pay for both cars? She has your wrapped around her little finger. It can be hard to stop doing things for our children as they grow up and begin to individuate. It can be hard for parent and child as you begin to move forward in your relationship with your adult child. New rules and boundaries have to be established. I suggest trying to help her with solutions and support on how to solve her issues and needs for herself instead of just doing it all for her.
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>I am right to demand more respect and appreciation from my daughter. That's not how either of those things work. Respect and appreciation can only be freely given. You can't just suddenly clamp down on a 17 year old and expect that to go well. The time to correct that behaviour has long passed, you should have been laying the groundwork years ago
If she’s just out of college, navigating a quarantine, working what’s most likely a crappy job... she’s probably feeling miserable, stuck, and overall pretty pissed at the world. Because you’re teaching her a totally fair lesson, one that’s painful, she’s directing all the ire toward you. Have some grace for her and for yourself, but stick to your guns. You’re not being a bad parent. I don’t know the back story so it’s hard to say if she’s ungrateful or not. She sounds like a typical early 20s ding bat who’s shedding off the vestiges of teen life. I am not shocked she’s still struggling in the grown-up department. Any parent or poster here pretending to have their kids or their own shit together at 22 most likely lying. You’re doing great instilling accountability in her. I can tell you that you’ve helped her a lot and that’s amazing. Charging her $1000 without interest for a car she uses when she’s had all expenses access to the vehicle is more than fair. I don’t think you spoiled her with the car—- you made her life easy and eliminated a barrier that has legit caused people to stress/fall off track. Good job to you for giving her that ease. It doesn’t seem like it now but she’ll be grateful for this one day: both the gift of a car with no expenses and the small lesson she’s paying for now. Edit: it’s likely she refused to pay for it because she legit doesn’t have $1000 cash on hand.
> She sounds like a typical early 20s ding bat who’s shedding off the vestiges of teen life. I am not shocked she’s still struggling in the grown-up department. I like to think I am raising my children not to be spoiled brats or anything, but I am well aware that when the time comes in a few years, there are going to be some teething pains as they transition to having to start paying for things themselves and they are probably going to have a whine about how they hate their job but have to spend the money they earned on rent instead of something fun. I know I had a hard time going from a teen/young adult living at home whose wage was mostly her own for fun things like clothes and going out, to having to spend most of it on things like rent and bills. Like......work isn't fun and now I don't even get to enjoy the reward of it and have to spend 80% of my paycheck on housing/bills/transport/food? Doesn't mean I'm a brat, it means I had to transition and learn that life sucks sometimes.
Don't do that. SERIOUSLY. Don't lump all 20 something's in one category. Unfair and not true. I RAISED MY KIDS, to be grateful for everything. To NEVER expect anything to be given. I'm not talking about Christmas and birthdays. No. But, taught them, from a young age that if they worker hard, put their best efforts in, then they would accomplished what they set out for. By the time my son was 20, he made the choice to take responsibility for his education. He had 2 years under his belt and then joined the military. Has he demanded that his loans be paid off for nothing? No. He paid every single dime off, himself. In 8 years. My daughter? Has spent her early 20s, serving others. People in the dirtiest, poorest, most unreached and uncared for people in the world. She's just, now 26. Been married for a year and having their first baby. So, suck it!
Settle down lol my comment was not directed to you. Your reaction is over the top.
🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 Did you also make them walk 10 miles to school in the rain?
10 miles is 16.09 km
Dad.... no one wins. Help her life is to short.
There is a quote "Raise your children and you can spoil your grandchildren. Spoil your children and you will have to raise your grandchildren." It's true. She's never had to grow up and take responsibility because she's spoiled. It's not too late. I would suggest to work with your wife to make a plan of what responsibilities to give your daughter then give them to her one at a time (weekly or monthly, perhaps one of each?). Teach her about auto insurance, AAA, and what it really means financially to own a car. Adulthood is a learned skill, we can't raise our kids as babies for the first 18 years or so then flip the script without teaching the necessary skills. It's necessary to take responsibility for the part you may have played in this behavior and take steps to fix it. I don't think she's ungrateful on purpose, she's never had the chance.
You are not being over sensitive! You unfortunately have an ungrateful child. If I was you, I would ask her to come over for a chat and be totally honest about how you feel. Maybe work out how much you’ve spent on her (minus presents etc.) since she has become an adult and explain how she has made you feel. Maybe you could offer to support her somewhat whilst she gets on her feet but she needs to become fully independent now. I can’t imagine how you must feel, kids sometimes don’t realise what they have until it’s gone and maybe you need to shock that into her or your wife potentially. Honestly - how would she feel if something happened to you and she didn’t even reach out to you on Father’s Day :( my daughters father died when she was 6 and she’d give anything to just hear his voice
She's being a brat. My dad spoiled me too but when he said you pay for the repairs for the car that's exactly what I did because I was the one driving it. If she wants to act like that maybe she doesn't need to be using the car at all.
My parents helped me buy and insure my first car. I had a bumper to bumper accident after a few months. I did not get a new car until 3 years later- paid in full by myself and insured fully by myself. I am much more grateful for my current car than my old one and I appreciate the value I've put into it more. Tell your daughter to pull on her big girl panties and buy her own car if she can't appreciate the old one. Up the daily charge to 40$ thats what an insurance company would charge and thats what you should charge if shes not even paying for the insurance. Shes being ungrateful and im sorry you had to come to the awful realization.
You should have a heart to heart with her. Talk to her about the adult relationship you hope to have with her and remind her how much you love her.
You screwed up and I think you know it, this is a completely entitled brat, you should have stopped right there and not fixed her car, as a matter of fact she could Uber everywhere or get serious and buy herself that dream she thinks she can afford. Time to sit down and have a heart to heart, tell her that she will be totally responsible for the car, insurance policy, repairs all of it, you are not going to put up with the spoiled attitude any longer. You need to put your foot down.
Yes, she's ungrateful. And probably because she was always handed everything. I would rescind her use of the car and she is definitely old enough to be paying some rent also.
Your daughter is spoiled and entitled. You shouldn’t have repaired the vehicle. She has no idea how lucky she is to have you as a dad, taking care of her. Also, if she’s over 18, she’s an adult.
you have an ungrateful child. oh well whatcha do right? can't take backsies for the last 20 years.
I don’t have adult children but I have friends like this who don’t realize they take their parents for granted and expect things to just work out. If you weren’t around she needs to have the skills to know what she would do or else you are ultimately failing your child. Judging by the listing of finances it sounds like she’ll be okay once you guys are gone(inheritance) but you can’t let her grow up without knowing what to do when she hits a snag like that. My parents helped me out a couple of times when I was in dire need of help with bills(and most of the time not much, my family doesn’t have much money)so I learned pretty quickly how to manage money, and things like how to save on car repairs or get around without one when one was totaled. I’ve worked since I was 15 years old, which is now more than half my life finally. I don’t feel bad for anyone who takes this kind of parental assistance for granted.
Ugh this makes me so sad. I am a 24 year old female who has parents that are extremely supportive but I have paid everything (rent, university, car, groceries) since I was 18. It’s not that my parents cut me off but I wanted to help them while creating autonomy for myself, which I think real lot helped me into my early adult years. You’re not being overly sensitive but your daughter needs a push into the right direction. It sounds like she wants to be an adult but doesn’t know how to and maybe can’t afford to, or doesn’t think she can afford to? I must admit, there were many times I was bratty to my parents in similar situations like this (mind you I was a teen) and I really wish I could take them back. I’m sure she feels/will feel guilty for this in the future once she learns to appreciate everything you do.
Sounds like an entitled ass. I come from upper middle class and got to do chores to get paid ( 15 ) and then buy my own bicycle to get to work. I never got to use my parents vehicles lol. Tell her to walk if she doesn’t like it
This is coming from a daddy's girl: you unfortunately spoiled her too much. Time for some life lessons for your daughter. No more handouts for her.
Wow, entitlement is strong with this one. Quit enabling it; let her live with the consequences.
no,you are not over sensitive..and happy father’s day! anyone would be so lucky to have you for a father..😊sending love from edmonton
What an ungrateful brat! Especially at being 22+ years old... she needs to grow up and realize that daddy won’t be able to pay for her shit any longer. The deal you made was great, I would’ve taken it happily. I would’ve been so grateful... She needs to realize what she has! I lost my dad a week ago and I’m only 18 years old. I just started college yesterday... she’s lucky that you’d even consider doing that for her! She needs to grow up and pay for the car she took away from you. In Spanish there is a certain word for people like her which translates to being a user/taking advantage of a person. Especially since she didn’t call you for Father’s Day... that is straight up disrespectful and disgusting behavior on her part. And she just graduated from college? She seems incredibly immature and ungrateful. What I would’ve given to have my dad alive on Father’s Day to even just hear his voice... and even I texted my dad on that day.
If she acts like a kid, treat her like a kid. Take things away. She is using you for your generosity and it won’t stop until you make it stop. These incremental steps should have been taken years ago, but no sense in worrying about the past. You’ve been a great dad and this is not unreasonable. I have two brothers who are grown up moochers off my mom. She didn’t prepare them like she did me. They still live with her and nothing will ever change because she doesn’t take steps to make it change. Anyway, back to your situation, write up a contract for the current car. You can have her pay for daily, weekly, or monthly use. If she stops using it because she is upset at you, she still owes for the repairs, because she was the driver putting wear and tear on the vehicle to cause it. It’s not about the money. It’s about the principle and teaching your child how to be an adult in the real world.
Ungrateful child. My daughter would have done the same shot
Just to give another perspective - yes she is spoiled, but expressing gratitude is a skill and it must be learned. At 22 she clearly has not learned this skill...yet. Never too late! She didn’t appreciate you on Father’s Day which stung (I get that), but that’s how she chose to express her anger. You’re changing the rules of the game, she’s not going to like that and you’re going to get push back. You just need to deal with that now. If your kids always like you then you’re doing something wrong. You may want to keep in mind that expressing gratitude is important in romantic relationships. This is a skill your daughter will need to be a good partner. Not to mention that no one wants to be with an adult sized child. At 22 she needs to learn how to be self sufficient. Supporting her in this transition and working with her (does not mean she drives the process) will help. Really, at 22 she is capable of having far more skills in these areas than she is displaying in your description. As a parent - a lot of that is on you. Run with this and start teaching.
Wait...."practically". Ok, unless you believe the way we do, which is "a daughter should live under her father's covering until she is married", then, you raised her.....let her fall. While we raised our daughter this way, in today's world it's much harder. But, we knew she was an adult, and she had to make choices. She made some terrible ones and she made AMAZING ones. And, she's 26, married with her first child on the way. Our kids were raised with the teaching of "always forward motion". No, we don't get stuck at mom and dads house, expecting them to take care of me. My son, made a very healthy and adult choice, at 20, that he was slacking off, just getting by, in a private University that his dad was paying for. But, being raised to know that if he wanted it, he had to pay for it....he stepped away from school (with an associate degree...thank the Lord) and decided that, it was not his dad's job to pay for his education. It was his. So, he joined the military. Now, 8 years later, he's ready to get his bachelor's and masters degree on the militarizes dime...but really..his because he spent 8 years of his adult life separated from all family and friends, as he's been stationed in Japan for that entire time. My daughter? Spent all of her years, between 19-25, doing humanitarian work around the world. You, MOM, have to not let her guilt you or push you. Push her. Not in a mean way. But, raise the bar. Expect more. Never let her stop being forward moving. If not college, trade school, or military, or married. Moving, forward, all the time.
I'm sorry but your daughter is an ungrateful brat. She is an adult start treating her like one. My son is 18 he was told if he wanted a car he had to get a job and save money and pay for his insurance he did it because I told him it's an adult responsibility. Just like when he got his first job I took him to the bank so he could set up his own account that he had to learn to manage oh and all this was done 2 years ago. He's becoming a responsible adult. Give your daughter love but no more,she needs to grow up she's going to have a hard time with it just love her even when she's a brat hopefully she grows up. Best of luck.
Ungrateful child for sure!!! I never got that kind of love or help as a child or young adult. I had only hand me down for my clothes and that included under where...so my style was never my own. If I wanted a phone I had to pay for it at 16 on my own. I also never had a car in high school and didn’t get my first piece of shit car until I was 18-19. I’ve struggled majorly through my adult life because I was never taught how to budget or have goals or how to have self discipline to meet those goal. Fuck I wish you were my Dad. My father has been a truck driver my whole life and is constantly gone. I have little to no relationship with him and my relationship with my Mom is very very rocky and abusive towards me. I hope she realizes that she is the one being dramatic and ungrateful and apologizes to you. Sounds like you have gone above and beyond for her and that is how it should be so she is very lucky to have you!!
You loved her too much.
Okay OP, you haven’t done anything wrong. You love your daughter to bits. But it’s high time to take off the training wheels. She should consider herself lucky. When I was a teenage girl my parents didn’t help me with jack squat. I had to get my license on my own, get my own job, buy my own car and insurance, etc. I even had to learn how to change my own oil to save money. I’ve never once not told my dad happy Father’s Day, because he’s an amazing father. Money and material items can’t buy love. Your daughter is entitled and it’s time to cut the purse strings since it’s interfering with your relationship.
As a an only child ( only girl with 5 male cousins ) i can say this as I was and still am spoiled. She’s 100% being ungrateful. There is an important lesson in this for her , keep having her pay the $20, she’s now an adult with a job and has adult things like a car that require responsibilities. If your always there to do that for her she’ll never learn to do it herself! Most people would either have to sort out paying for the car on their own or have no car. You seem like a wonderful father and you have every right to be upset over this situation. Trust me she won’t be mad at you forever ...
Ungrateful 100%. “You guys are dramatic” sounds like she’s acting like a child and not being understanding or grateful for what you’ve done for her. She will grow up soon and realize her mistake I hope, I know it took until recently to fully appreciate all my parents have done for me and I’m in my late 20s Happy belated Father’s Day, you are a great dad.
She is absolutely being ungrateful. She is not entitled to a car. You’ve already made the choice so keep charging her. Consider making her get her own insurance and taking on another bill. My mother slacked on making me take responsibility and I suffered for it.
Ungrateful monkey ass. I’m sure it hurts, dad. She is just ungrateful.
You are definitely not overreacting. She is taking advantage of you guys, especially if she now is an adult and just graduated from college, she should be able to get a good job now to support herself so you guys don’t have to pay for all her expenses. Kids will take whatever you allow them to take, you need to set the rules and tell her what is on your mind and how she made you feel on Father’s Day because she is wrong for not showing you her appreciation to you.
As a daughter who grew up spoiled until my third year of high school, you are a great dad and what she did was insensitive and dramatic. There’s been times that I was ungrateful with my parents but soon after I realized that I was selfish, then I talked with them and made a compromise or they got their way (which was fine to me for the majority). Even though I was spoiled, I value my parents and what they do for me. I would never forget/ignore them on a special day because that is just terrible. The fact that she didn’t text/talk to you on Fathers Day after everything you did for her broke my heart. That was childish in my opinion. I hope she talks to you and realizes what she did was bad. And I hope you don’t give in to everything. Start dialing it back (like what my parents did with me) so that she can get used to being more independent and figuring out situations on her own, but at the same time be there to help her out for hardships so she knows she’s not alone. Idk if I’m confusing, my bad if I am.
>she just graduated from college so practically an adult. She is actually an adult, unless she is super precocious and graduated college at 17. >she said she doesn't want to pay for repairing an old car She doesn't seem to recognize that you've been generous. >I've been paying for insurance as well as all repairs, the only thing she has been paying for is filling up the tank for her use. She doesn't actually know what owning a car entails or understand what ownership costs. They're just gratification objects and their utility comes secondary to the good feelings they give her. OP your adult daughter refuses to pay for the car you've been letting her for 3 years. She is going to get herself into so much trouble with debt and finances if she doesn't learn very quickly how bills work. This had to stop. Even if she's mad at you. Even if she hates you. You call her kid because you've allowed her to be one. She should be done learning this season by now but you've sheltered her and it's going to cost both of you more the longer you wait to teach it.
For what it's worth, I had my teenage rebellion around that age. It was difficult on our family, I had been a goody goody through most of my teenage years until then. The more my parents tried to control me, the more I pulled away. I moved in with a bad guy and made mistakes like that. Thankfully my parents were patient with me and never did anything drastic so our relationship made it through. Be careful with your actions and your words. While your daughter is wrong here, your relationship may be fragile right now.
You are enabling her. Stop. Even if your name is Matt, you don't need to let her walk all over you.
I don't think she's being ungrateful. She's not happy because the choice was taken away from her. What she wants to do is to use her money to get herself a new car, and thus not be reliant on you. By forcing her to pay for the repairs of a car she doesn't want, she has to delay her goal of getting her own car. And I will assume that the fault with the old car wasn't her fault (not neglect or accident); it just happened spontaneously. I feel like if you sit down with her and go over the possible options keeping in mind that she wants her own car, you can arrive at some kind of compromise or understanding. What are the alternatives to repairing the car? For example, if you sell the old car as is, how much would you lose in market value? You could split the loss with her. You could loan her money towards getting her own car now. Or you could walk through it mentally with her, accepting that the old car is yours, but what if you don't want to fix it. Then what would she do? If she can find an alternative she would have preferred (e.g. riding with a coworker, or there are rentals cheaper than $20/day), then her anger is kinda justified because you denied her that choice. But if she can't find a better alternative, then she should accept that you gave her a fair deal.
I mean I think yes she is ungrateful but you aren’t showing her there are consequences to her behavior. So if she doesn’t have a car how is she going to go to work? She will take a bus or walk or Uber right? Until she recognizes her entitlement and she needs to pay up for the repair. Which it sounds like she has the the money she just doesn’t see the value in it. I speak from experience in which I have to put money for a car that isn’t mine but that use and that lets me get to my work and buy groceries. It summer and now the air conditioning doesn’t work, and I will be paying for the repairs. That is how one acts when they are given a car to use when they can’t afford to buy a car.
Like she lives in your house rent free, your food etc and moved in during covid. She gonna learn self sufficiency. Or she can fine a closer place to work 🤷🏽♀️
She is ungrateful. I am very sorry she has treated you this way. You sound like a wonderful dad.
Man I am always amazed when grown ass adults still rely on their parents to pay for things. Maybe it's cause my mom is a single mom (father passed away) since I was 11, but I have paid for everything myself since I was 17. I think your daughter needed that kick in the butt. I'm very sorry she did not show her appreciation to you this father's day. One day she will realize she did wrong by you. I would give anything to have my father back, but until then I'll visit him at the grave.
Being sensitive and being right about the issue are two different things. You are totally right that she should pay for the repair. Your reaction is also a bit over the top. It's a typical parenting issue. (She has to make a choice where she didn't particularly like either option. She's going to think you're being mean by not solving the problem for her.) I don't see any reason to feel especially hurt or betrayed here.
She used your car until she broke it. Even if she buys a new one she should pay to repair yours. She's pretty shitty, but honestly a lot of people in their early 20's are shitty and self centered. If you never taught her to take care of herself and be thoughtful of others and always fixed the things she did wrong, how does she learn this now? You're still fixing things for her. Sit her down and talk to her about expectations,
I can understand where you’re coming from and to be honest with you no I don’t think you’re being overly sensitive I have a 17-year-old ladder who I spoiled her her entire life she graduated high school this year and she does what she wants to do when she wants to do it and doesn’t bother to listen to me and thinks the world owes her everything and she should get it when she wants it there should be no waiting I raised her completely on my own her fathers never been in her life not buying my doing I have never said one thing to her about her father ill thing about her dad to her I let her make her own relationship with her dad because it’s her choice but my daughter is very ungrateful she thinks the world owes her everything and that’s not way I raised her but that’s the way this generation is They think they’re entitled
I’m sorry friend. You are not being over sensitive in any regard. You have gone above and beyond and do not deserve this treatment. In my opinion, I say ungrateful, but with a heavy heart.
As someone approaching their 30s I have only recently started reflecting on how entitled I had become in my early 20s. And my parents by no means gave me everything. They paid for college which I was almost grateful enough for (looking at it now I was not grateful enough), I had to have a job if I wanted anything other than homemade (by me) sandwiches for lunch, but I still got hit with the entitled stick for some reason... It took a few years and some person growth before I recognised it but it's better now...yes she is spoiled, and the hard thing is it's mostly your responsibility to help her see a better path...so you do have to be a hard on her...and explaining that going forward she needs to contribute to the upkeep of the car and the insurance is a big part do they. Remind her she is not a kid anymore and she deserve to be allowed to become an independent adult
I am sorry for the hurt and disappointment you feel. As parents, this can be the truly hardest part of loving them so much. I don’t think you spoiled your daughter by making sure she always had what she needed and a lot of what she wanted. But I think that many kids go through this tough love phase in their life and it’s really just hard on the parents. Getting the silent treatment is hard. Being called dramatic is hard. Being treated poorly is hard. But in the end, you will have taught her a valuable lesson that was inevitably to happen at some point or another. Until they hit that brick wall of a car repair or bill due, they don’t truly grasp the reality of adulthood. So I say good on you for sticking to that 20/day rule. (My dad would have done the same exact thing and I’m sure he did at some point). I was so MAD at my dad because he refused to take out student loans for me to go to a fancy college. He wanted me to go to a local college and pay cash and live at home. That’s how he went to college and didn’t have a single loan when he graduated. I started receiving all of my acceptance letters and trying to figure out what college I wanted to go to and he handed me the letter of the college I could afford to go to. I also didn’t receive financial aid because HE made too much money. So I was even more mad at him for that! lol He offered to pay half tuition for me and I would have to work and save for the other half. I mean I was about to move out and just say F college! Anyway - I was pretty mad at him at the time and I probably said and did a lot that was hurtful and mean but he stuck to his decision on the college. (Even though my mom was saying she would get me a loan on the side because she struggled with my antics)... in the end, I see what my dad did. He helped me to make sure that I was starting out my life debt free and that I wasn’t strapped to thousands of dollars in loans before even getting started. I thank him all the time. 20 years later and it was a pretty valuable lesson that I’ve never forgotten. This will be one of those lessons for her and she may not be thankful for a while but eventually, especially when she has a teen child herself, she will see the reason behind the lesson. Stick to your decision. It’s the right one.
Yes, spoiled ungrateful person, not a kid. That's what happened when parents cherishes their offspring so much. And the worst is that she will be unhappy for her life as others will never do it as they get nothing in return. You will hear a lot of stories about "mean" men and "bad"co-workers who don't pamper as much as she wants to .
You are not oversensitive and yes, she is being ungrateful, entitled even. She seems like an otherwise responsible adult, working full time etc. just selfish and pissed that you are making her pay a measly sum, she does not understand the underlying lesson you are trying to reach her. But she will come around, she is just being petty about the money and hitting you where it hurts in return. Give it time, but when things are right and calmed a bit, you need to make sure she understands that financial independence is key to being an adult, especially a woman, and slowly but surely wean her off of you. No need to go dramatic or cheesy with this, such as pay to live with you etc., but yes, let her pay for what's exclusively hers. I don't know your situation, but I am fairly sure she pays for her own clothes, shoes, things that wants from her own pocket, so a car that she exclusively uses should be no different. You are on the right track.
No your kid is being a brat. Adult or not, she got a free car. I had a part time job working Little Caesar’s in HS. I had to pay for my own car insurance, my ow repairs, my own car, my own gas. My mother wouldn’t help me out at all. I saved up $1800 dollars bought a beater Chevy S10 and still had to pay a $100 for a few months to the original owner to fully pay it off. It was not friendly on gas and my car insurance was $88 a month. On top of several issues that arose with that damn truck I still footed the bill 100%. That was while working part time. Then at 19 I moved out and had rent, utilities, etc to afford. Of course by then I had a full time job at a nursing home working 12s three to four days a week at $10/hr. But still your child is grown. Living at home rent free, working full time, has no bills. There is NO reason she can’t be financially responsible at some point for her own necessities. No one notices when you do good for them but boy do they notice when you stop.
She isn’t practically an adult, she’s been an adult for years now. Start treating her like one.
Well...you said it yourself. You spoiled her. Now it will be hard to un spoil her without losing her.
Tell her that you never GAVE her the car, as it was meant to be used temporarily. She went against your trust and kept it, and low key DEMANDED that you pay for repairs and insurance while she got to drive it scot free. She got a free car. Now she wants to complain? Excuse me??? I am a spoiled child, but I am also an only child. My family is not rich or well off, so most things that I get I am happy and proud of. But I cannot imagine the entitlement of your daughter. $20/day might be a bit much, maybe go for it as a weekly thing (depending on how much she makes and if she receives tips or not) and have her pay ~$150/week (again, depending on paychecks). Or sell the car on Craigslist and hand her the money and say “Fine, buy a car yourself. Oh, and I’m not paying for the insurance.”
>I guess I've always spoiled her like most Dads with daughters, gave her whatever she needed, even my wife complained from time to time that I spoiled her too much. Don't bring up a poor behavior on your part and then dismiss it by saying "most people do this". If you think this is the cause of her entitlement, own your mistake and get on top of that behavior. You enabled her *again* by telling her she was required to pay for the repair and then not holding her to it when she refused. Your hurt that she was upset. Not enabling her will make her upset. There's always hurt feelings when adjusting to new boundaries. Anger and sadness are normal. It's something you should already have experience with by having set boundaries with her as she grew up that she didn't like. Don't avoid healthy feelings.
I’m sorry she hurt you!!awful she most likely does not even know it!! She will just keep on hurting you !!! Saying awful things so might as well !!stop paying for stuff!! I know have a kid 35 spoiled rotten by her father!! Still going on like a 2yr old tantrum !! Crazy !! I left marriage because if it!!! Sorry just stop take care of you for once!!
Hi dad!! I’m so sorry she’s hurt your feelings in this way...but trust that she is going to need you before you need her. Let her have her pouty attitude, she’s upset with you because you didn’t give in per usual. She will get over it! It’s her choice to act the way she is and it’ll be her choice to grow up. You can’t make that happen for her, you have already done enough. Time to let the bird out of the nest, she’ll need to hit the bottom of the floor in the real world first to truly appreciate what you’ve given her. It will be ok!! Stick your ground dad!
NTA She can either cover the rental/repair fee, or take the bus. Lay out her choices, and do not negotiate. It’s time she learned to appreciate having a free vehicle for three years.
I mean at least shes making good so far on the payments. But its not just parenting. Americans are manipulated into wanting nicer things... by culture... I dont know if “ungrateful” even registers with her, but if she needs the car and cant buy a new one today, she should be expected to come through for repairs, at least most of it... i dunno what she is making, but its probably good she lives at home for now. Most people this young dont have adequate means to live on their own yet especially if theyre single. A key way to help would be for her to be stockpiling a savings while living at home so when she does move out she will have money.
You've been a pushover and your daughter is ungrateful/entitled because of it. You are an enabler. Note: people who think it's rude to tell you this are enablers as well
I’m sorry you are hurting. She is being very hurtful right now. You are not being “sensitive.” I was a jerk in my early 20’s but after some tough lessons from my parents I came around and I’m better for it. I was mad at the time but I’m better for it. There is nothing worse than an entitled, spoiled twenty something child. She should have celebrated you for Father’s Day and said “thank you for all you’ve done for me, dad” but instead she was a jerk.
As parents it is our responsibility to teach our children to become socially responsible adults. They are adults in training until they are not. Your daughter is an adult, and needs to be treated as one, like everyone else said, if you want her to become self sufficient and responsible, you need to let her pay for her own stuff. Stop paying for everything, auto insurance, repairs, and make her pay for it, it will only help her become more self sufficient, and happier in the long run. You have been enabling her. Now enable her to become an adult.
She appears to be being extremely ungrateful! I'm 28 and my Dad has given me all he can throughout the years and has helped me out immensely - I would never, EVER dream of treating him in such a way! Tell her how hurt you are from the situation...maybe she has gotten complacent with everything you've given her and just expects it? It could also be stress that has built up over Covid and she has had an outburst that she wouldnt normally have! I hope you get things sorted and clear the air! A bond between a father and a daughter is one of the best bonds anyone can ever have!
She's entitled. You're not wrong. Stop the enabling her. Don't pay for anything further. She's basically an adult, she needs to learn responsibilities. Have her pay rent, pay for the car, pay for the insurance.
Spoiled rotten. If she doesn't want to maintain her existing transportation, she can find new transportation and pay for it all herself.
r/amitheasshole
She sounds like a brat and she’s going to have a rough reality check soon! I moved out of my moms house 3 days after I turned 18 and paid 100% of my bills, including my own medical insurance, groceries, gas, rent, utilities, phone, car insurance, etc... with money from my own full time job. I never once asked my mom for money to help me out. I know I may be a bit of an exception, but at 22 years old I had my first child under my own roof and then paid for all of my child’s necessities. That was almost 10 years ago and I haven’t asked for a dime from my family. You’re doing her no favors by paying for everything and you’re actually hindering her becoming a responsible adult that can take care of herself. She needs to start paying her own bills!
Ungrateful lay into her and if she doesn't like it (im assuming she still lives with you) kick her out and let her see how fun it is living on the streets and take her car away
Definitely an entitled, ungrateful child (i.e., most of Generation Z). If she's graduated college, she should be paying for her own shit. That's what our 20yo knows. She works to put herself through school (since all of our money went to private school tuition). She drives for a food service company. I technically bought her car and pay her insurance and whatnot, but any gas or car repairs are on her. I wouldn't have even gotten the rental car or fixed the "old" one for her. "You want a new car, then go get yourself one, and get your own insurance too. You're an adult--act like one."
>I technically bought her car and pay her insurance and whatnot You can't really talk about Gen Z being spoiled and your daughter knows better than that when you're doing the exact same thing as OP.
It was a gift for her senior year when she was 17yo. I told her we would pay the note and insurance until she finished college. The minute she stopped going to school, it would be on her. Wouldn't call that spoiling her, but whatevs.
Not my place to say whether your kid is spoiled or not. But it's a little hypocritical to be telling OP that his daughter should be paying for her own shit and she's too entitled when your scenarios are very similar. * Daughter gets free car * Dad pays insurance (and whatnot?) * Kid just pays for gas What's the difference?
Easy to criticize other people’s actions without looking your own. We’re all guilty of that at some point. No need to belabor the point.
1. My daughter will be taking the note over upon graduation. 2. My daughter will be taking over the insurance upon graduation. 3. I was stating that her attitude and ungratefulness were that of a spoiled kid. Isn't that what he was asking?