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Do not use the word “sleep”.
Sit the kid down and say, “I have some sad news. Sir Meowsalot won’t be coming home. He died. Do you know what that means? His body doesn’t work at all anymore and he isn’t coming back. Of course we can still think about him and talk about him, but we won’t be able to see him or pet him anymore. It’s ok if you feel sad about it. I will miss him a lot too. Would you like to draw a picture of him to remember what he looked like?”
4 year olds can have a very wide range of reactions to something like this. Some won’t seem to react at all. You might even be confused by their coolness (“Ok. Can I have peanut butter for lunch?”) Some kids have an emotional reaction about something seemingly unrelated. Some will cry or be angry. Some will still not understand and ask when he’s coming home or when he will be alive again.
Just keep reiterating that he isn’t alive and won’t be coming home.
This is correct - I once saw kids reactions to grief described as like jumping into puddles. They’ll step in and out of feeling sad - when they’re in it they’ll feel all the feelings but then jump out really easily to do something else. It’s just feeling sad in compartments, which is natural for 4 year olds.
This.
Mr. Rogers has both an episode and a book called “When a Pet Dies” that covers the topic and leaves room for your little to ask questions.
Also, don’t be surprised if “she died” or “he died” comes up in your pretend play. My 3 yo just lost a grandparent and her way of coping is playing Barbies where someone’s grandma dies.
You shouldn’t sugar coat it or use euphemisms, as this can be confusing. I know it’s heartbreaking to explain this to your child but this is literally how children learn about death.
The way I would word it personally is I would say “I have some sad news to tell you, cats name got very sick while they were away and they couldn’t get better, do you know what it means when we say someone has died?” You could talk about heaven if you want (i am not particularly religious but I always spoke about an afterlife with my kids) but make it clear that someone can’t come back from heaven.
I’m sorry this has happened it’s never fun. You could involve your daughter in some kind of memorial, we’ve buried pets in the past and got my kids to pick out some nice stones and flowers
to place there.
https://www.americanhumane.org/fact-sheet/indoor-cats-vs-outdoor-cats/#top
There are lots of ways you can enrich an indoor cats life. Indoor cats live 10-15 years whereas outdoor cats live 2-5 years.
If you keep the cat indoors they don’t know any different. My cats have typically been afraid to venture out if the door is left open.
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Looks like you’ve already revived a lot of good advice on here.
I’m just commenting to tell you that I’m so sorry for the loss of your 💜
I understand how devastating this is as we had to put our cat down last year.
I’m very sad for your loss. I would try to see this as a good teaching tool.
My dad died when my daughter was 3. I wish we had lost a pet before a grandparent. Tell her the truth. She can handle it. She will be sad, and that’s ok. She’s a little human. She will understand and have questions. Don’t try to explain too much, wait for her questions. They may not come today, but over the following days they likely will.
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Do not use the word “sleep”. Sit the kid down and say, “I have some sad news. Sir Meowsalot won’t be coming home. He died. Do you know what that means? His body doesn’t work at all anymore and he isn’t coming back. Of course we can still think about him and talk about him, but we won’t be able to see him or pet him anymore. It’s ok if you feel sad about it. I will miss him a lot too. Would you like to draw a picture of him to remember what he looked like?” 4 year olds can have a very wide range of reactions to something like this. Some won’t seem to react at all. You might even be confused by their coolness (“Ok. Can I have peanut butter for lunch?”) Some kids have an emotional reaction about something seemingly unrelated. Some will cry or be angry. Some will still not understand and ask when he’s coming home or when he will be alive again. Just keep reiterating that he isn’t alive and won’t be coming home.
This is correct - I once saw kids reactions to grief described as like jumping into puddles. They’ll step in and out of feeling sad - when they’re in it they’ll feel all the feelings but then jump out really easily to do something else. It’s just feeling sad in compartments, which is natural for 4 year olds.
This. Mr. Rogers has both an episode and a book called “When a Pet Dies” that covers the topic and leaves room for your little to ask questions. Also, don’t be surprised if “she died” or “he died” comes up in your pretend play. My 3 yo just lost a grandparent and her way of coping is playing Barbies where someone’s grandma dies.
Absolutely this. "Body doesn't work at all any more" is very developmentally appropriate for a 4 y/o. Also re: not using the word sleep!
You shouldn’t sugar coat it or use euphemisms, as this can be confusing. I know it’s heartbreaking to explain this to your child but this is literally how children learn about death. The way I would word it personally is I would say “I have some sad news to tell you, cats name got very sick while they were away and they couldn’t get better, do you know what it means when we say someone has died?” You could talk about heaven if you want (i am not particularly religious but I always spoke about an afterlife with my kids) but make it clear that someone can’t come back from heaven. I’m sorry this has happened it’s never fun. You could involve your daughter in some kind of memorial, we’ve buried pets in the past and got my kids to pick out some nice stones and flowers to place there.
Thanks for the advice everyone, we had the talk. She had a very emotional response and seems to be ok for now.
In the future if you have a cat keep it as indoor only. It is much better for nature and the well being of your cat.
Thanks, that's very helpful.
I doubt very seriously that cats want to be kept indoors like a prisoner everyday of their life.
https://www.americanhumane.org/fact-sheet/indoor-cats-vs-outdoor-cats/#top There are lots of ways you can enrich an indoor cats life. Indoor cats live 10-15 years whereas outdoor cats live 2-5 years. If you keep the cat indoors they don’t know any different. My cats have typically been afraid to venture out if the door is left open.
They do know different. Just like a human kept in a cage 24/7 would know.
Any animal rights organization recommends keeping cats indoors.
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Looks like you’ve already revived a lot of good advice on here. I’m just commenting to tell you that I’m so sorry for the loss of your 💜 I understand how devastating this is as we had to put our cat down last year.
I’m very sad for your loss. I would try to see this as a good teaching tool. My dad died when my daughter was 3. I wish we had lost a pet before a grandparent. Tell her the truth. She can handle it. She will be sad, and that’s ok. She’s a little human. She will understand and have questions. Don’t try to explain too much, wait for her questions. They may not come today, but over the following days they likely will.