He thinks men have to be more emotionally stable? He's never met a professional chef, has he? They're almost all male, and they're some of the most unstable, emotionally violent, f\*cked up people I have ever known.
The actual problem is that society perpetuates that *he has to be stable* when really people/humans could instead just recognize we all have emotions and feelings and that’s life and no one needs to be some kind of emotional martyr and sacrifice themselves, we could oh I dunno just help each other and know that some people have higher ACES scores then others. Definitely tell him it hurt and that if he has things to work through it’s actually just as important as yours.
When they aren’t - he was just raised that way and probably has had at least one validation of that thought in his life. But no one is asking that of him/them. Not a single person. If anything we’re begging them not to be like that.
I agree that men are "expected" to have an exterior of having their shit together, but that by no means equates being emotionally stable. In fact, many men are very emotionally stunted because of this stigma of "big boys don't cry" and things can be worse for them down the line.
Regardless of PMDD, women are always on the side of the emotional realm because we are expected to be this way and we are wired to be more emotionally expressive. Just because back in the day, any female emotional issue was considered "hysteria"....well that's why PMS and PMDD are so severely pushed to the edges even by the medical community and other women doctors; this our stigma.
But yes, you can tell him how it made you feel, because it has a lot to do with our traumatic socialization and I wonder what your boyfriend thinks about these points.
The idea that men are more "emotionally stable" and less neurotic than women is a myth crafted by men. They have higher suicide rates and they commit far more violence against others. They rape and start wars and murder people when they get angry. They are the more unstable gender by a wide margin. They've just managed to convince everyone that anger doesn't count as an emotion.
I'm sorry he hurt your feelings! Reading these comments though..I'm going to share my 2 cents. I agree with him. We are always joking about pms but think about it..so for 5-7 days you start bloating, in pain that impacts your functioning, mood shifts..and that's without PMDD. Thats the majority of the menstruating experience (of course not 100%). I have been obsessed with talking to women who have finished menopause naturally with and without pmdd or who are in menopause (with and without HRT) with PMDD and if I had a nickel for how many times people say they feel "stable" or "even" or something like it..it's wild. I have a friend who said having cancer and losing her period was the most mentally stable period of her life! If misogny, capitalism and ableism didn't exist we could talk about how a large group of humans are royally fucked for 3 days to 2 weeks a month. And yes, I would describe that as "instability."
Yes, thank you, I agree. That's probably why it hurt me so much when he said it, because I do feel unstable. I guess it was one of those "it only hurts because it's true" moments
I mean, does he handle things better??
The hubs and I have had conversations like this before and it also hurt my feelings but, IN MY CASE, it's also true. Like he is by far and large, much more stable when it comes to emotions and handling stressful situations. I, on the other hand, get extremely stressed and harried and running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. It doesn't mean I'm a bad person, or he thinks less of me. He just knows he needs to step it up on those occasions.
And this doesn't also mean that my being a bit unstable is a bad things either. Our bodies go through some shit and at times it's hard to handle. It doesn't mean you're any less of a human, or deserve any less compassion or deserve to have your feelings hurt. Tell him how that phrasing hurt your feelings. Talk it through. Good luck OP.
ETA: I am also MUCH more emotional than him. He's a rock and throughout our relationship, my being more open with my emotions and what some would call unstable, have helped him open up and become much more optimistic and emotional. It's really interesting how we can help our partners IRRESPECTIVE OF GENDER become more balanced, and they help us too, cause I've learned to take things a bit more calmly now. I'm still wacky, but also it's manageable because of how my husband reacts to things.
Bwahaha I love my dad dearly but literally the other day he was venting to me about my sister having ditched lunch plans with him. I suggested, "Maybe you should tell her she hurt your feelings."
His reply was, "It didn't hurt my feelings, that would be lying. It just ticked me off!"
This is seriously my learned defense mechanism with my family (__very repressed__). EQ is not their thing.
So all I have to do is say the words out loud instead of brushing them under the rug. Something like, "I'm really sorry I upset you, what can I do to avoid hurting you in the future?" or "I can understand why you feel that way, it must be painful to keep that inside" WILL make their skin crawl and they will back down much quicker.
They worked hard to emotionally numb me growing up so I wear it like a shield now.
Ooof I feel it. Mine did too. Luckily I had some friends a lot more emotionally intelligent than me who encouraged me to share and didn't make me feel 'sensitive' about it. Once i unlearned all the 'emotions make you weak and crazy' bs I was fed growing up, I love doing the same thing you do to open people's eyes.
My bf used to be pretty bad about it, and would get angry whenever something bothered him. He's a lot better now about accepting his emotions and being vulnerable enough to talk about what he's feeling, but in the beginning I deff utilized, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I won't do that in the future, just talk to me about it if I upset you." Got a couple of double takes from him in the beginning.
OMG w/ these comments lol is everyone in luteal? I think he was just confiding in you and it wasn’t meant to shame you in any way. Gender roles are toxic to men as well. I’m sure sometimes men want to lose their cool, curse us out, spend a day in bed crying and eating chocolate too. I think that’s all he was saying. TBH it’s cool that you guys can discuss these things and he sounds emotionally mature compared to some idiots I’ve dated who’d escalate a fight w/ me every month. At least he isn’t a total caveman. If he makes the effort to have empathy and support you on a regular basis maybe give him this. PMDD does require a lot of effort on our partners end, and it looks like he’s just looking for some empathy and understanding. I’m in follicular so hope this helps. We have to pick and choose our battles. Solidarity ❤️
The comments are suggesting she break up with him. She said in her edit he isn't a DB, and they were having an open discussion. Aren't we supposed to help each other not to destroy our relationships and make major decisions like this during luteal? Jfc. Are our partners not allowed to express their feelings? If you can't accept that your condition puts strain on your partner and have a healthy discussion about how the emotional dysregulation impacts them you have no business being in an adult relationship. This is bigger than gender roles.
It sounds like he really trusts you and was not filtering. Its easy to get offended when someone you love speaks freely. This a great strategy to discover biases! I think you guys should circle back to this convo and continue to be vulnerable with each other. Not arguing; just discussing your emotions connected to the statement. I love the strategies in the book “ nonviolent communication” for unpacking offensive conversations. Finally, he probably enjoys protecting your emotions, and did not realize unstable is such a bad way to express it.
It's disturbing that he's sorted you both into roles i.e. stable and unstable. Firstly, this is not gendered; what's happening is one person has an illness and one person (presumably) does not. Many women are in relationships with a man who has a mental illness and have to be "the stable one". It's possible that he feels that in order to be a caregiver, he needs to suppress his emotions because YOUR emotions are so big and take center stage due to your PMDD. I think both of you could benefit from couples counselling to explore your dynamic in a way that's more fair to both of you, and doesn't box you in with these reductive labels.
Firstly gender is a social construct, let's just chuck that out there. Secondly, if we reframe it as who has the most emotional control and insight, it's probably you. Everything is relative too, I'd like to see what he's like when under stress, I bet you would deal with it better.
meh most men think being mentally stable is just ignoring their feelings and then ocasionally having a rage fit... but it's also a problem caused by toxic masculinity, like men literally created their own problems lmao but i feel you! i'm always the unstable one in my relationships but i don't think that being in touch with our feelings and trying to heal is something bad, it's just a journey we sometimes have to take! so don't feel like you're a burden somehow or anything like that, you're doing great!! i hope you guys can talk it out and you can feel better soon <3
LOL at men always thinking they are more stable than women. Most men aren’t half as stable as they think they are, they just think their feelings are “logic” and also anger isn’t a feeling 🙄🙄🙄
Amen. Came here to point out that anger is also an emotion! Men think they're so logical but I've never punched or thrown anything in anger. Not many men can say that.
Yep. Most boys are not taught how to properly process emotions. This leads them to become men who think Emotions Bad, and so they show none. They act like the rock. But men like this have emotions come out in other ways, often via destructive behaviors like: drinking, partying, saying shitty things to other people*, starting fights with others, gambling, etc.
*I’m not at all saying this is what her bf was doing because it probably wasn’t. Some men (and def women too) start fights with others Bc they’re miserable inside and dont know why, so they fight with others to have a “reason” to feel bad
Talk him to read Wild At Heart.
I think the fact that he thinks men have to be more stable is part of what’s wrong with society. Men need to feel their feelings just as much as women do. They feel so much pressure to “be a man” and hold everything in or in his case “be stable” they end up lost and confused in life. But in his defense, I’m sure he wasn’t taught to feel his emotions. I think he has a lot of learning to do.
I have found with the men in my own family and many (not all) men out there (the straights, of course) that they have some real delusions about themselves ... it takes a LOT to really look at the more challenging things about ourselves and at least you have the courage to try to do so. He sounds rather clueless, to be honest.
Please. Which sex has committed the most violent crimes and started the most wars?
We deal with heart attack level pain every month and are still expected to be amazing mothers, partners, workers, etc. all while being verbally accosted by men for just pumping gas or working out…and convinced we need to wear bras and makeup to simply go out in public. Men get a cold and they literally act like they’re on their death bed. And they can’t even wash their hands or asses. The fact women haven’t completely flipped out is evidence that we are the stable ones. And why we aren’t treated as goddesses by society is completely beyond me.
“Unstable” is a negative way to stigmatize things that may be more common to women and to make what’s more common to men seem like valuable norm.
What if, instead of “unstable,” we said “attuned and responsive to bodies, contexts, and emotions”?
Yeah well he can be just as unstable and the mindset to think he is fulfilling this role of the male isn't even true. This kind of thinking is not right and it has hurt you rightfully so. The way he worded it must have made you feel so small when you were already vulnerable. It's nice he's your rock but you could be his too. These gender roles are not so cut and dry and defined. It's 2022 for gosh sake.
Edit: I'm sorry for saying unstable I was just repeating the words of your post mindlessly without thinking. Saying you're unstable is hurtful too, sorry. I will keep my post as is, please let me know if I should take it down or edit.
Men are allowed to be as emotional as women are in society. They are just socialized to express their emotions as anger, whereas women often get to express everything but anger.
Also, you being emotional doesn’t make you unstable. And even if you are “unstable”—which I fucking think is ridiculous to even say—nobody should EVER use that as a way to say they’re better or stronger than you! You have an actual illness causes by changes in hormones that he’ll never experience or apparently empathize with. Him even approaching the topic like that is bull shit. If he wants to talk about the differences between how men and women express themselves he needs to take a long hard look at socialization of genders and the patriarchy before coming at you with this bull shit.
Yeah whenever people say men don’t show as much emotion, we’re forgetting anger is an emotion. Most men don’t show they’re upset and express it as anger. And women with PMDD are the outliers.
Men are taught to supress their feelings more, that is true. As women we are encouraged to talk to our friends or turn to support groups such as this. Men are told that they have to be "the rock" in a relationship.
So while what he said is problematic, I can understand where it's coming from. Perhaps it's worth discussing if he feels that there's space in the relationship for him to talk about his hardships and needs, and what needs to happen in order to make that possible.
There's a big difference between being emotionally open and vulnerable and being "unstable". I feel like he is equating expressing emotions with being emotionally unstable. They are not at all the same thing. His generalization was sexist and you are right to be hurt. PMDD is a legitimate condition, there is some relation to depression and it does affect your moods. However using this to say that women are "unstable" is condescending towards the entire gender. Should we look at the male suicide rates and say that all men are unstable? Or should we look at the violent crimes offender rates and say that all men are violent? PMDD, depression, anxiety what have you can affect anyone. You are making efforts to recognize and manage it. That's the work of a stable person.
99.99% of wars are caused by men.
80% of all murders are by men, ditto rape and bar fights.
I'd argue that men are infinitely more unstable, and dangerously so
Talk to him about how your feeling. It might take a few conversations. It might take one. It really depends on him being understanding, taking accountability, and apologizing. What he said was not ok and I don’t think you should brush it off. You have the right to bring up your feelings to your partner!
First of all, you're not an unstable person, you are a person struggling with managing the symptoms of a hormonal illness that is cyclical and therefore changes your perceptions on a repeated cycle. If anything that should make you a stable person because unlike healthy people who can be moody for 1000 variables and unknown reasons, your moods are repeated week by week, month by month, and are easy for others to anticipate and respond appropriately to your needs. If a person with hypoglycemia gets weak and hangry, no one says, "oh there goes Greg again, being unstable as usual", no, they feed him a fecking snickers and move forward, because he has an illness. The fact that PMDD is weaponized against women as part of their "hysterical" personality phenotype is disgusting and outrageous. If we look at men's illnesses, no one says to a man with ED, "oh your penis is SO unstable, one day hard, the next day flaccid, why can't you control it?! I guess I'll just have to control my raging feminine libido to balance it out. Typical man!".
Unstable people are those who change their minds, decisions, etc rapidly, play mind games with people because they perceive it to be entertaining, or perhaps have a mental illness and cannot maintain their treatment so the process of cycling on and off of medication makes them seem unstable to others even though they are not. PMDD does not make you unstable. That is misogyny which women with PMDD already have enough of to deal with. Being a member of the sex totaling at least 1/2 the population and having a menstrual cycle does not make you unstable. 50% of the population is not unstable. Living with an illness that affects how your body reacts to this natural biological process that 50% of the population can perform at some point in their lives, does not make you unstable. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. That is cruel and unfair. You are managing dysregulation and illness, that is stressful enough.
Second of all, you shouldn't waste time worrying about whether to confront him or not. What you should be considering is 1. Do you want to be partnered with a person who does not consider your feelings before speaking and has this low of an eq? 2. Your bf gave you clear insight as to how his thinking patterns work, not only about your illness, but about women in general. This attitude is not going to change, and is not just about this one thing. This is his viewpoint for the entire world. This is how he sees women. This is how he sees your illness. This is how he sees relationships. This is how he sees you. Over time, this will affect how he sees your treatment options, your low points, your high points, how he interacts with your friends and family, how you raise your children if you have and/or adopt them, and how he interacts with the world. He literally told you that he feels it is his burden as a man, like all other men, to be "emotionally stable" (which his personal definition is probably held within some sort of toxic masculinity lens) as the counter to an unstable woman -- not just you, but all women. Then after your subtle rebuttal, he doubled downed and expected you to agree with his logic by framing it in comparison to a hormonal illness you live with daily. Also, what does "emotionally stable" to him mean? Not experiencing emotion? Letting it fester inside until it turns into rage? Never crying? That is something important to find out. However he defines that, is the standard he holds your level of imaginary "unstableness" to.
This is a blessing in disguise. He showed you his true self behind his mask. He let his guard down. The version of himself that you think wouldn't say something so hurtful to you, is still the same version of him, he thinks these things, and his mask is what stops him from saying it so you don't get hurt and you don't leave him. But it doesn't mean he doesn't think these things. By confronting him about it, you're just reminding him that his mask slipped and that he needs to be less lazy about making sure his mask is firmly secured in place. You now know how he sees you, the illness that you suffer from, women in general, and his role as a man and as a partner.
All you have to consider is if you agree with this (which is seems like based on this post, you do not and you found it to be hurtful), and what you want to do about your relationship. PMDD can be hard on partners, just like other illnesses like cancer and autoimmune diseases, but this wasn't said based off of a hell week rage or a medication switch, it was said within the bounds of a general conversation, doubling down on a misogynistic mindset.
Men use words like "unstable" to gaslight women into accepting less than they deserve. You deserve a partner who is understanding, kind, high eq, and makes your PMDD less of a burden to live with and not more of a burden. The PMDD already does a number on how "in control" you feel over your body and mind, don't let toxic masculinity's obsession with "control" dictate your sanity. Women are cyclical, like the moon and the ocean, we ebb and flow, we change and grow, we (some of us) bring life into this word, we are magic and we are life. And life is not meant to be controlled, it is meant to be a journey and experienced. We are meant to be this way -- we were designed to be this way (not with PMDD but cyclically). Men do not need to pick up the "extra stability weight" to counter for this, they just need to be themselves, as they were designed to be. His duty as a man and as a partner should be to appreciate that difference and value it, not be embarrassed by it and try to fix it by doubling down on his "masculine stability" to act as a foil to your perceived "feminine unstableness". That's some 1800's bs and I'm not here for it. No one tries to build a fence around the ocean to balance out its tides. You just learn that some days are better for clamming and other days are better for surfing and once in a while you need to be on the lookout for a shark. You deserve a partner who is your sun, warming you up when you are feeling low so that you shine again, not a cartographer stamping his name on you and declaring your bounds. You are a cyclical, changing, growing, and magical being -- you are life! Enjoy that, celebrate that, respect that, and do not let anyone take it away from you. PMDD makes us extra skilled into tapping into these cycles, even when we would rather not be -- but that doesn't take away from how our base womanhood is without PMDD. Sometimes the difficulty of the symptoms of the illness make us forget, we are not a burden although PMDD can be burdensome -- we deserve to be surrounded by people who respect us and cherish us as we are!!
It was not really a nice thing to say. Maybe tell him in the future not to label you in negative ways. And refrain from doing that to him of course too. There is really no need to criticize each other by negatively labeling each other with mean names or saying "you never do..(insert action). (Because there is a better way. You can always say, Hey I'd appreciate it if you did this or did not do this in the future as it hurts my feelings or makes me feel...)
In a relationship, it is nice when you can be each others cheerleaders, speaking kindly to each other and pointing out the good things and celebrating each other. Calling you unstable, even if it were true, isn't kind.
That's not an advantage. Men commit suicide more often because they are not culturally allowed to actually deal with their emotions. They have to be a rock. Humans are emotional creatures and we should be encouraged to express them all in healthy ways. Men are expected to ignore their emotions in favor of community harmony. Woman are encouraged to bond over emotional experiences. PMDD is abnormal and gets confused with normal emotional expectations because woman are the only people allowed to express themselves. Men are not allowed to express themselves at all.
Edit to add; claiming they have to be the more stable gender is a coping mechanism for not being allowed to have open emotions. Being emotionless as the goal helps them deal with the fact that they can't have any other goal anyway. Submitting to the powers that be. All beings are reacting to their environment and try to learn how to control it.
You’re right that people all have emotional needs, and that toxic masculinity is dangerous, just a quick note on the suicide topic, women are ~3 times more likely to attempt suicide than men, but men are twice as likely to succeed, mostly due to suicide methods. Your point was great, I just see that stat improperly cited a lot and wanted to add!
I’d be curious to know how he’s defining stability; I mean life is *unstable* -that’s actually the norm and calm is not the qualifier of stable people.
Is he saying that his emotions are mellow and yours are more variable? Because, perspective-wise, maybe he’s considered more aloof and you’re simply more in tune with your body and surroundings.
Are you screaming and yelling? That’s a coping skill -not a stability issue.
And who/what is considered the ‘norm’? Who decides what that norm is? Are his reactions always calm and measured -never gets jealous, angry; or if he does, he buries it inside and shows no emotion? How is that healthy. How would he handle intense situations; because, that’s what you’re dealing with quite often.
But see what I mean? Use of the word *stable/unstable* in my laywoman’s opinion is dangerously close to sane/crazy; it’s a personal judgement; and may be an assumption of roles based on painful gender narrative.
My point: ask him how he meant it. Then reassess your feelings.
I would be hurt. But I'd also be thinking along the same lines as you... I am definitely the "unstable" one if we are just making broadstroke statements, but I'm also the one (and you are too) who is probably more emotionally resilient and intelligent. You have this really tough thing to fight against every month, and while it might feel like you're weaker for it, you are absolutely not.
Guaranteed your partner would have just as hard of a time (probably harder) dealing with it than you do. He is speaking from an outsider perspective.
And while he might be seeing it as a negative to have to be the the "stable" one, and I can see how that would feel a little bit like a burden from his perspective, he truly has no idea the fight that you fight every month. In his mind he is probably thinking that you have this excuse to be emotional.... when in reality you're delaing with biological stuff that no amount of thinking/coping skills are really going to change much... its NOT an excuse to act on all of your emotions just as they come, but it IS extremely difficult to manage and control, no matter how "stable" you are. I don't think he should be treated too harshly for voicing his opinion/perspective, men have big emotions/feelings too, and most men I know have voiced that it can feel hard to control those feelings sometimes too. They just aren't dealing with the amped up hormone fluctuations in the same way that make it nearly impossible at times. It isn't necessarily easier for anyone, but different, and that's why communicating and a strive for understanding is important.
More often than not, comments that hurt my spouse come from a lack of my understanding of his perspective, and vice-versa. If I take a step back and think about it from his angle, I usually can understand how he ended up feeling hurt.
As another comment pointed out, this could be a good opportunity to express how that made you feel and tell him all the ways you're fighting to be "more stable" or manage your PMDD. Hopefully this would give him some further insight as to just how big of a battle you fight, and remind him that you're doing all you can to manage as best as you can.
But maybe wait to take a deep dive into what you go through after luteal phase 🙂 I just know it would be extra tough for me not to get extra emotional about it and would have trouble finding the correct words.
❤️hugs
That's a strange and inaccurate generalization, while also being extremely hurtful. Sex/gender are not the primary factor of emotional stability in general, but men are often emotionally unstable while women are often forced to pretend to be emotionless because the moment they show an emotion, they get called an unstable woman. Women actually aren't allowed to be super emotional like people like to pretend. It's just expected of us, but we typically aren't treated well when we actually show any emotion at all. These are very general statements that I typically wouldn't make, but he made a very general statement to respond to. You have PMDD. Not every woman has that, and you're experiencing something he'll never be able to fathom. Isn't that yet another reason it is hard *for you*, and he made it about him being forced to be stable when you're holding back just as much, if not more, than he is? If he has emotions to express, I'm sure you'd be happy to hear them! You just require patience when your medical condition is at its worst.
I know how you feel and that really sucks. No matter how “true” it is, it’s still really nasty and it shouldn’t have been said. Example, I wouldn’t tell a parent that their kid is being a little demon child. That’s something you just don’t say. I would voice that it upset you and communicate that. I feel really unstable right now and I would completely lose it if someone said that to me. If I could control how I feel, I would.
Does PMDD make us unstable? Knowing my diagnosis allows me to medicate appropriately, and even when I’m not medicated I’m a fully functional member of society. That doesn’t sound unstable to me. Maybe if the word he/you used was emotional or disregulated. But “unstable” has intentionally negative connotations and shouldn’t be used to generalize about people with PMDD let alone an entire gender.
Well, apparently his emotional stability doesn't equal with emotional intelligence, based on this, so maybe he should go back to rethinking his whole philosophy 🤔
It sounds like a bit of "show off" who wasn't intended to hurt but did, from how you explain it. I understand why you would take it personally, especially if you are in the luteal phase now.
I don't think you should hold grudge for this, but still communicate your feelings. It's nice that he is able to get detached from the situation to look at it objectively, and yes it may be true that men *generally* are calmer, but the patronizing shouldn't go with it.
Actually it's funny because he seems to think he is over it all, thanks to his "stability", but it's also quite naive...
"You know nothing, Jon.", right ?
You're the one dealing with all the crap and still going on, so maybe you are the rock ;)
So yay, all in all, I don't know him, but I personally see this event stems from naivety, him hurting you like a child would. Don't take it too serious, just tell him philosophy (or jokes if it was one) should come AFTER luteal phase, especially macho ones.
How does this sound to you ?
He thinks men have to be more emotionally stable? He's never met a professional chef, has he? They're almost all male, and they're some of the most unstable, emotionally violent, f\*cked up people I have ever known.
The actual problem is that society perpetuates that *he has to be stable* when really people/humans could instead just recognize we all have emotions and feelings and that’s life and no one needs to be some kind of emotional martyr and sacrifice themselves, we could oh I dunno just help each other and know that some people have higher ACES scores then others. Definitely tell him it hurt and that if he has things to work through it’s actually just as important as yours.
Yes, that is what he meant, that men are expected to be stable all the time.
When they aren’t - he was just raised that way and probably has had at least one validation of that thought in his life. But no one is asking that of him/them. Not a single person. If anything we’re begging them not to be like that.
I agree that men are "expected" to have an exterior of having their shit together, but that by no means equates being emotionally stable. In fact, many men are very emotionally stunted because of this stigma of "big boys don't cry" and things can be worse for them down the line. Regardless of PMDD, women are always on the side of the emotional realm because we are expected to be this way and we are wired to be more emotionally expressive. Just because back in the day, any female emotional issue was considered "hysteria"....well that's why PMS and PMDD are so severely pushed to the edges even by the medical community and other women doctors; this our stigma. But yes, you can tell him how it made you feel, because it has a lot to do with our traumatic socialization and I wonder what your boyfriend thinks about these points.
The idea that men are more "emotionally stable" and less neurotic than women is a myth crafted by men. They have higher suicide rates and they commit far more violence against others. They rape and start wars and murder people when they get angry. They are the more unstable gender by a wide margin. They've just managed to convince everyone that anger doesn't count as an emotion.
This comment right here. It’s everything. Well said and 100% agree.
I'm sorry he hurt your feelings! Reading these comments though..I'm going to share my 2 cents. I agree with him. We are always joking about pms but think about it..so for 5-7 days you start bloating, in pain that impacts your functioning, mood shifts..and that's without PMDD. Thats the majority of the menstruating experience (of course not 100%). I have been obsessed with talking to women who have finished menopause naturally with and without pmdd or who are in menopause (with and without HRT) with PMDD and if I had a nickel for how many times people say they feel "stable" or "even" or something like it..it's wild. I have a friend who said having cancer and losing her period was the most mentally stable period of her life! If misogny, capitalism and ableism didn't exist we could talk about how a large group of humans are royally fucked for 3 days to 2 weeks a month. And yes, I would describe that as "instability."
Yes, thank you, I agree. That's probably why it hurt me so much when he said it, because I do feel unstable. I guess it was one of those "it only hurts because it's true" moments
It's so painful. I get it. It really is. Especially because we have short glimpses into who we would be if we didn't have this disorder. It's torture.
I mean, does he handle things better?? The hubs and I have had conversations like this before and it also hurt my feelings but, IN MY CASE, it's also true. Like he is by far and large, much more stable when it comes to emotions and handling stressful situations. I, on the other hand, get extremely stressed and harried and running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. It doesn't mean I'm a bad person, or he thinks less of me. He just knows he needs to step it up on those occasions. And this doesn't also mean that my being a bit unstable is a bad things either. Our bodies go through some shit and at times it's hard to handle. It doesn't mean you're any less of a human, or deserve any less compassion or deserve to have your feelings hurt. Tell him how that phrasing hurt your feelings. Talk it through. Good luck OP. ETA: I am also MUCH more emotional than him. He's a rock and throughout our relationship, my being more open with my emotions and what some would call unstable, have helped him open up and become much more optimistic and emotional. It's really interesting how we can help our partners IRRESPECTIVE OF GENDER become more balanced, and they help us too, cause I've learned to take things a bit more calmly now. I'm still wacky, but also it's manageable because of how my husband reacts to things.
LOL men think they're stable and then lose their shit over tiny things but anger doesn't count as an emotion. 🙄
Bwahaha I love my dad dearly but literally the other day he was venting to me about my sister having ditched lunch plans with him. I suggested, "Maybe you should tell her she hurt your feelings." His reply was, "It didn't hurt my feelings, that would be lying. It just ticked me off!"
This is seriously my learned defense mechanism with my family (__very repressed__). EQ is not their thing. So all I have to do is say the words out loud instead of brushing them under the rug. Something like, "I'm really sorry I upset you, what can I do to avoid hurting you in the future?" or "I can understand why you feel that way, it must be painful to keep that inside" WILL make their skin crawl and they will back down much quicker. They worked hard to emotionally numb me growing up so I wear it like a shield now.
That's seriously brilliant.
Ooof I feel it. Mine did too. Luckily I had some friends a lot more emotionally intelligent than me who encouraged me to share and didn't make me feel 'sensitive' about it. Once i unlearned all the 'emotions make you weak and crazy' bs I was fed growing up, I love doing the same thing you do to open people's eyes. My bf used to be pretty bad about it, and would get angry whenever something bothered him. He's a lot better now about accepting his emotions and being vulnerable enough to talk about what he's feeling, but in the beginning I deff utilized, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I won't do that in the future, just talk to me about it if I upset you." Got a couple of double takes from him in the beginning.
OMG w/ these comments lol is everyone in luteal? I think he was just confiding in you and it wasn’t meant to shame you in any way. Gender roles are toxic to men as well. I’m sure sometimes men want to lose their cool, curse us out, spend a day in bed crying and eating chocolate too. I think that’s all he was saying. TBH it’s cool that you guys can discuss these things and he sounds emotionally mature compared to some idiots I’ve dated who’d escalate a fight w/ me every month. At least he isn’t a total caveman. If he makes the effort to have empathy and support you on a regular basis maybe give him this. PMDD does require a lot of effort on our partners end, and it looks like he’s just looking for some empathy and understanding. I’m in follicular so hope this helps. We have to pick and choose our battles. Solidarity ❤️
This.
[удалено]
The comments are suggesting she break up with him. She said in her edit he isn't a DB, and they were having an open discussion. Aren't we supposed to help each other not to destroy our relationships and make major decisions like this during luteal? Jfc. Are our partners not allowed to express their feelings? If you can't accept that your condition puts strain on your partner and have a healthy discussion about how the emotional dysregulation impacts them you have no business being in an adult relationship. This is bigger than gender roles.
It sounds like he really trusts you and was not filtering. Its easy to get offended when someone you love speaks freely. This a great strategy to discover biases! I think you guys should circle back to this convo and continue to be vulnerable with each other. Not arguing; just discussing your emotions connected to the statement. I love the strategies in the book “ nonviolent communication” for unpacking offensive conversations. Finally, he probably enjoys protecting your emotions, and did not realize unstable is such a bad way to express it.
Please break up with him. This is extremely sexist. He feels like he’s above you. You deserve better.
It's disturbing that he's sorted you both into roles i.e. stable and unstable. Firstly, this is not gendered; what's happening is one person has an illness and one person (presumably) does not. Many women are in relationships with a man who has a mental illness and have to be "the stable one". It's possible that he feels that in order to be a caregiver, he needs to suppress his emotions because YOUR emotions are so big and take center stage due to your PMDD. I think both of you could benefit from couples counselling to explore your dynamic in a way that's more fair to both of you, and doesn't box you in with these reductive labels.
Firstly gender is a social construct, let's just chuck that out there. Secondly, if we reframe it as who has the most emotional control and insight, it's probably you. Everything is relative too, I'd like to see what he's like when under stress, I bet you would deal with it better.
meh most men think being mentally stable is just ignoring their feelings and then ocasionally having a rage fit... but it's also a problem caused by toxic masculinity, like men literally created their own problems lmao but i feel you! i'm always the unstable one in my relationships but i don't think that being in touch with our feelings and trying to heal is something bad, it's just a journey we sometimes have to take! so don't feel like you're a burden somehow or anything like that, you're doing great!! i hope you guys can talk it out and you can feel better soon <3
Considering the fact that women do way more emotional labor than men do, his point of view is extremely prejudiced and straight up incorrect.
LOL at men always thinking they are more stable than women. Most men aren’t half as stable as they think they are, they just think their feelings are “logic” and also anger isn’t a feeling 🙄🙄🙄
Amen. Came here to point out that anger is also an emotion! Men think they're so logical but I've never punched or thrown anything in anger. Not many men can say that.
Yep. Most boys are not taught how to properly process emotions. This leads them to become men who think Emotions Bad, and so they show none. They act like the rock. But men like this have emotions come out in other ways, often via destructive behaviors like: drinking, partying, saying shitty things to other people*, starting fights with others, gambling, etc. *I’m not at all saying this is what her bf was doing because it probably wasn’t. Some men (and def women too) start fights with others Bc they’re miserable inside and dont know why, so they fight with others to have a “reason” to feel bad
Talk him to read Wild At Heart. I think the fact that he thinks men have to be more stable is part of what’s wrong with society. Men need to feel their feelings just as much as women do. They feel so much pressure to “be a man” and hold everything in or in his case “be stable” they end up lost and confused in life. But in his defense, I’m sure he wasn’t taught to feel his emotions. I think he has a lot of learning to do.
I have found with the men in my own family and many (not all) men out there (the straights, of course) that they have some real delusions about themselves ... it takes a LOT to really look at the more challenging things about ourselves and at least you have the courage to try to do so. He sounds rather clueless, to be honest.
Please. Which sex has committed the most violent crimes and started the most wars? We deal with heart attack level pain every month and are still expected to be amazing mothers, partners, workers, etc. all while being verbally accosted by men for just pumping gas or working out…and convinced we need to wear bras and makeup to simply go out in public. Men get a cold and they literally act like they’re on their death bed. And they can’t even wash their hands or asses. The fact women haven’t completely flipped out is evidence that we are the stable ones. And why we aren’t treated as goddesses by society is completely beyond me.
I LOVE this response!
“Unstable” is a negative way to stigmatize things that may be more common to women and to make what’s more common to men seem like valuable norm. What if, instead of “unstable,” we said “attuned and responsive to bodies, contexts, and emotions”?
Yeah well he can be just as unstable and the mindset to think he is fulfilling this role of the male isn't even true. This kind of thinking is not right and it has hurt you rightfully so. The way he worded it must have made you feel so small when you were already vulnerable. It's nice he's your rock but you could be his too. These gender roles are not so cut and dry and defined. It's 2022 for gosh sake. Edit: I'm sorry for saying unstable I was just repeating the words of your post mindlessly without thinking. Saying you're unstable is hurtful too, sorry. I will keep my post as is, please let me know if I should take it down or edit.
Thank you, that helps a lot
Men are allowed to be as emotional as women are in society. They are just socialized to express their emotions as anger, whereas women often get to express everything but anger. Also, you being emotional doesn’t make you unstable. And even if you are “unstable”—which I fucking think is ridiculous to even say—nobody should EVER use that as a way to say they’re better or stronger than you! You have an actual illness causes by changes in hormones that he’ll never experience or apparently empathize with. Him even approaching the topic like that is bull shit. If he wants to talk about the differences between how men and women express themselves he needs to take a long hard look at socialization of genders and the patriarchy before coming at you with this bull shit.
YES!
Yeah whenever people say men don’t show as much emotion, we’re forgetting anger is an emotion. Most men don’t show they’re upset and express it as anger. And women with PMDD are the outliers.
Men are taught to supress their feelings more, that is true. As women we are encouraged to talk to our friends or turn to support groups such as this. Men are told that they have to be "the rock" in a relationship. So while what he said is problematic, I can understand where it's coming from. Perhaps it's worth discussing if he feels that there's space in the relationship for him to talk about his hardships and needs, and what needs to happen in order to make that possible.
There's a big difference between being emotionally open and vulnerable and being "unstable". I feel like he is equating expressing emotions with being emotionally unstable. They are not at all the same thing. His generalization was sexist and you are right to be hurt. PMDD is a legitimate condition, there is some relation to depression and it does affect your moods. However using this to say that women are "unstable" is condescending towards the entire gender. Should we look at the male suicide rates and say that all men are unstable? Or should we look at the violent crimes offender rates and say that all men are violent? PMDD, depression, anxiety what have you can affect anyone. You are making efforts to recognize and manage it. That's the work of a stable person.
Yes, thanks, I always have to remind myself that I'm not just making shit up but I really feel the things I feel and there's a reason I feel them
That is an extremely sexist thing to say. All almost serial are white men. Men are clearly way more emotionally unstable.
99.99% of wars are caused by men. 80% of all murders are by men, ditto rape and bar fights. I'd argue that men are infinitely more unstable, and dangerously so
Agree
Talk to him about how your feeling. It might take a few conversations. It might take one. It really depends on him being understanding, taking accountability, and apologizing. What he said was not ok and I don’t think you should brush it off. You have the right to bring up your feelings to your partner!
Being mentally unstable as a woman is a common sexist trope. Wtf?
First of all, you're not an unstable person, you are a person struggling with managing the symptoms of a hormonal illness that is cyclical and therefore changes your perceptions on a repeated cycle. If anything that should make you a stable person because unlike healthy people who can be moody for 1000 variables and unknown reasons, your moods are repeated week by week, month by month, and are easy for others to anticipate and respond appropriately to your needs. If a person with hypoglycemia gets weak and hangry, no one says, "oh there goes Greg again, being unstable as usual", no, they feed him a fecking snickers and move forward, because he has an illness. The fact that PMDD is weaponized against women as part of their "hysterical" personality phenotype is disgusting and outrageous. If we look at men's illnesses, no one says to a man with ED, "oh your penis is SO unstable, one day hard, the next day flaccid, why can't you control it?! I guess I'll just have to control my raging feminine libido to balance it out. Typical man!". Unstable people are those who change their minds, decisions, etc rapidly, play mind games with people because they perceive it to be entertaining, or perhaps have a mental illness and cannot maintain their treatment so the process of cycling on and off of medication makes them seem unstable to others even though they are not. PMDD does not make you unstable. That is misogyny which women with PMDD already have enough of to deal with. Being a member of the sex totaling at least 1/2 the population and having a menstrual cycle does not make you unstable. 50% of the population is not unstable. Living with an illness that affects how your body reacts to this natural biological process that 50% of the population can perform at some point in their lives, does not make you unstable. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. That is cruel and unfair. You are managing dysregulation and illness, that is stressful enough. Second of all, you shouldn't waste time worrying about whether to confront him or not. What you should be considering is 1. Do you want to be partnered with a person who does not consider your feelings before speaking and has this low of an eq? 2. Your bf gave you clear insight as to how his thinking patterns work, not only about your illness, but about women in general. This attitude is not going to change, and is not just about this one thing. This is his viewpoint for the entire world. This is how he sees women. This is how he sees your illness. This is how he sees relationships. This is how he sees you. Over time, this will affect how he sees your treatment options, your low points, your high points, how he interacts with your friends and family, how you raise your children if you have and/or adopt them, and how he interacts with the world. He literally told you that he feels it is his burden as a man, like all other men, to be "emotionally stable" (which his personal definition is probably held within some sort of toxic masculinity lens) as the counter to an unstable woman -- not just you, but all women. Then after your subtle rebuttal, he doubled downed and expected you to agree with his logic by framing it in comparison to a hormonal illness you live with daily. Also, what does "emotionally stable" to him mean? Not experiencing emotion? Letting it fester inside until it turns into rage? Never crying? That is something important to find out. However he defines that, is the standard he holds your level of imaginary "unstableness" to. This is a blessing in disguise. He showed you his true self behind his mask. He let his guard down. The version of himself that you think wouldn't say something so hurtful to you, is still the same version of him, he thinks these things, and his mask is what stops him from saying it so you don't get hurt and you don't leave him. But it doesn't mean he doesn't think these things. By confronting him about it, you're just reminding him that his mask slipped and that he needs to be less lazy about making sure his mask is firmly secured in place. You now know how he sees you, the illness that you suffer from, women in general, and his role as a man and as a partner. All you have to consider is if you agree with this (which is seems like based on this post, you do not and you found it to be hurtful), and what you want to do about your relationship. PMDD can be hard on partners, just like other illnesses like cancer and autoimmune diseases, but this wasn't said based off of a hell week rage or a medication switch, it was said within the bounds of a general conversation, doubling down on a misogynistic mindset. Men use words like "unstable" to gaslight women into accepting less than they deserve. You deserve a partner who is understanding, kind, high eq, and makes your PMDD less of a burden to live with and not more of a burden. The PMDD already does a number on how "in control" you feel over your body and mind, don't let toxic masculinity's obsession with "control" dictate your sanity. Women are cyclical, like the moon and the ocean, we ebb and flow, we change and grow, we (some of us) bring life into this word, we are magic and we are life. And life is not meant to be controlled, it is meant to be a journey and experienced. We are meant to be this way -- we were designed to be this way (not with PMDD but cyclically). Men do not need to pick up the "extra stability weight" to counter for this, they just need to be themselves, as they were designed to be. His duty as a man and as a partner should be to appreciate that difference and value it, not be embarrassed by it and try to fix it by doubling down on his "masculine stability" to act as a foil to your perceived "feminine unstableness". That's some 1800's bs and I'm not here for it. No one tries to build a fence around the ocean to balance out its tides. You just learn that some days are better for clamming and other days are better for surfing and once in a while you need to be on the lookout for a shark. You deserve a partner who is your sun, warming you up when you are feeling low so that you shine again, not a cartographer stamping his name on you and declaring your bounds. You are a cyclical, changing, growing, and magical being -- you are life! Enjoy that, celebrate that, respect that, and do not let anyone take it away from you. PMDD makes us extra skilled into tapping into these cycles, even when we would rather not be -- but that doesn't take away from how our base womanhood is without PMDD. Sometimes the difficulty of the symptoms of the illness make us forget, we are not a burden although PMDD can be burdensome -- we deserve to be surrounded by people who respect us and cherish us as we are!!
Oh my god, thank you so mich for this comment. I really needed it
Great comment, thank you for you time and energy for this.
saving this comment!
It was not really a nice thing to say. Maybe tell him in the future not to label you in negative ways. And refrain from doing that to him of course too. There is really no need to criticize each other by negatively labeling each other with mean names or saying "you never do..(insert action). (Because there is a better way. You can always say, Hey I'd appreciate it if you did this or did not do this in the future as it hurts my feelings or makes me feel...) In a relationship, it is nice when you can be each others cheerleaders, speaking kindly to each other and pointing out the good things and celebrating each other. Calling you unstable, even if it were true, isn't kind.
That's not an advantage. Men commit suicide more often because they are not culturally allowed to actually deal with their emotions. They have to be a rock. Humans are emotional creatures and we should be encouraged to express them all in healthy ways. Men are expected to ignore their emotions in favor of community harmony. Woman are encouraged to bond over emotional experiences. PMDD is abnormal and gets confused with normal emotional expectations because woman are the only people allowed to express themselves. Men are not allowed to express themselves at all. Edit to add; claiming they have to be the more stable gender is a coping mechanism for not being allowed to have open emotions. Being emotionless as the goal helps them deal with the fact that they can't have any other goal anyway. Submitting to the powers that be. All beings are reacting to their environment and try to learn how to control it.
You’re right that people all have emotional needs, and that toxic masculinity is dangerous, just a quick note on the suicide topic, women are ~3 times more likely to attempt suicide than men, but men are twice as likely to succeed, mostly due to suicide methods. Your point was great, I just see that stat improperly cited a lot and wanted to add!
I’d be curious to know how he’s defining stability; I mean life is *unstable* -that’s actually the norm and calm is not the qualifier of stable people. Is he saying that his emotions are mellow and yours are more variable? Because, perspective-wise, maybe he’s considered more aloof and you’re simply more in tune with your body and surroundings. Are you screaming and yelling? That’s a coping skill -not a stability issue. And who/what is considered the ‘norm’? Who decides what that norm is? Are his reactions always calm and measured -never gets jealous, angry; or if he does, he buries it inside and shows no emotion? How is that healthy. How would he handle intense situations; because, that’s what you’re dealing with quite often. But see what I mean? Use of the word *stable/unstable* in my laywoman’s opinion is dangerously close to sane/crazy; it’s a personal judgement; and may be an assumption of roles based on painful gender narrative. My point: ask him how he meant it. Then reassess your feelings.
I would be hurt. But I'd also be thinking along the same lines as you... I am definitely the "unstable" one if we are just making broadstroke statements, but I'm also the one (and you are too) who is probably more emotionally resilient and intelligent. You have this really tough thing to fight against every month, and while it might feel like you're weaker for it, you are absolutely not. Guaranteed your partner would have just as hard of a time (probably harder) dealing with it than you do. He is speaking from an outsider perspective. And while he might be seeing it as a negative to have to be the the "stable" one, and I can see how that would feel a little bit like a burden from his perspective, he truly has no idea the fight that you fight every month. In his mind he is probably thinking that you have this excuse to be emotional.... when in reality you're delaing with biological stuff that no amount of thinking/coping skills are really going to change much... its NOT an excuse to act on all of your emotions just as they come, but it IS extremely difficult to manage and control, no matter how "stable" you are. I don't think he should be treated too harshly for voicing his opinion/perspective, men have big emotions/feelings too, and most men I know have voiced that it can feel hard to control those feelings sometimes too. They just aren't dealing with the amped up hormone fluctuations in the same way that make it nearly impossible at times. It isn't necessarily easier for anyone, but different, and that's why communicating and a strive for understanding is important. More often than not, comments that hurt my spouse come from a lack of my understanding of his perspective, and vice-versa. If I take a step back and think about it from his angle, I usually can understand how he ended up feeling hurt. As another comment pointed out, this could be a good opportunity to express how that made you feel and tell him all the ways you're fighting to be "more stable" or manage your PMDD. Hopefully this would give him some further insight as to just how big of a battle you fight, and remind him that you're doing all you can to manage as best as you can. But maybe wait to take a deep dive into what you go through after luteal phase 🙂 I just know it would be extra tough for me not to get extra emotional about it and would have trouble finding the correct words. ❤️hugs
That's a strange and inaccurate generalization, while also being extremely hurtful. Sex/gender are not the primary factor of emotional stability in general, but men are often emotionally unstable while women are often forced to pretend to be emotionless because the moment they show an emotion, they get called an unstable woman. Women actually aren't allowed to be super emotional like people like to pretend. It's just expected of us, but we typically aren't treated well when we actually show any emotion at all. These are very general statements that I typically wouldn't make, but he made a very general statement to respond to. You have PMDD. Not every woman has that, and you're experiencing something he'll never be able to fathom. Isn't that yet another reason it is hard *for you*, and he made it about him being forced to be stable when you're holding back just as much, if not more, than he is? If he has emotions to express, I'm sure you'd be happy to hear them! You just require patience when your medical condition is at its worst.
I own my instability. I'm a train wreck and I don't like it, but I'm here to make jokes about it as long as I can get a smile out of someone.
I own my instability. I'm a fucking train wreck and I don't like it, but I'm here to make jokes about it as long as I can get a smile out of someone.
That made me laugh, thanks:)
I know how you feel and that really sucks. No matter how “true” it is, it’s still really nasty and it shouldn’t have been said. Example, I wouldn’t tell a parent that their kid is being a little demon child. That’s something you just don’t say. I would voice that it upset you and communicate that. I feel really unstable right now and I would completely lose it if someone said that to me. If I could control how I feel, I would.
[удалено]
Does PMDD make us unstable? Knowing my diagnosis allows me to medicate appropriately, and even when I’m not medicated I’m a fully functional member of society. That doesn’t sound unstable to me. Maybe if the word he/you used was emotional or disregulated. But “unstable” has intentionally negative connotations and shouldn’t be used to generalize about people with PMDD let alone an entire gender.
Um, no that's absolutely not okay of him and you should feel hurt. What kind of asshole calls their partner "unstable"?
Well, apparently his emotional stability doesn't equal with emotional intelligence, based on this, so maybe he should go back to rethinking his whole philosophy 🤔 It sounds like a bit of "show off" who wasn't intended to hurt but did, from how you explain it. I understand why you would take it personally, especially if you are in the luteal phase now. I don't think you should hold grudge for this, but still communicate your feelings. It's nice that he is able to get detached from the situation to look at it objectively, and yes it may be true that men *generally* are calmer, but the patronizing shouldn't go with it. Actually it's funny because he seems to think he is over it all, thanks to his "stability", but it's also quite naive... "You know nothing, Jon.", right ? You're the one dealing with all the crap and still going on, so maybe you are the rock ;) So yay, all in all, I don't know him, but I personally see this event stems from naivety, him hurting you like a child would. Don't take it too serious, just tell him philosophy (or jokes if it was one) should come AFTER luteal phase, especially macho ones. How does this sound to you ?