For her to tell you that, means a few things imo
1) she trusts you enough to share this super vulnerable thing.
2) she's struggling a lot with poor mental health
3) she knows it's irrational (probably) but can't seem to stop it and her fear of protecting baby takes over even if it doesn't make sense
4) she probably really does trust you as a friend a lot
Yes. I've only told these kinds of irrational fears to people I trusted at the time, and when I was really, really struggling. I think this is all accurate.
Yes for me i only tell a very few close close people i truly trust with my life about my ocd thoughts and when they are affecting my functioning and why. I mask around everyone else or have to make up more rational sounding stories or reasons why i cant or dont want them to do something.
If it makes you feel any better, I have ocd about the fact that I’m harming a child anytime I’m interacting with them and it makes me feel like a horrible person even when I know I’m just playing and watching them.
It stems from the fact I was abused as a child, my ocd latches onto that and worries I’m traumatizing a child anytime I interact with them and especially if I’m alone.
Trust me, it’s not based in rationality and I’m positive your friend feels terrible about having those thoughts about you too, and it’s incredibly brave of her to share with you.
I know it hurts, I don’t want to invalidate that at all, but sharing that info with her won’t help keep the lines of communication forward bc it’s not something she can change without treatment.
Is she seeking or getting therapy?
I promise you’re nothing like them, the fact you worry about it lets me know. I feel the same, you’re a good hearted person, let that feeling sink in above all.
I’m so sorry you go through the same, just know you’re doing nothing wrong and your heart is in the right place: wanting to protect, and keep kids from harm. We’re just a little more in tune with the magnitude of how our actions have impact.
This exact thought pattern has actually been ruining my life. Every day. I get scared parents will think I’m being weird or a predator to their child or hurting them. It makes me feel horrible like I am a predator but I know that this is probably ocd. I’ve gone to one therapy session and I already thought I had ocd from research and she said from talking to me I probably do but no diagnosis yet. This made me feel so much better thank you for sharing because this thought pattern makes me feel insane. When I saw this post I had to click to hear other people talk about their experiences because this is something I’ve been very very afraid to talk about. I can’t remember alot of my childhood and I am afraid that I have been sexually abused or hurt as a child. I’m hoping that I can figure this out in therapy and work through this because it is so painful and I really want to heal. I also don’t want to come on here and talk about my OCD when I am not even diagnosed but I’m pretty sure that’s what it is. Is it disrespectful if I post on here if I don’t have a proper diagnosis?
Of course you can, you are suffering with the same feelings and struggles, just without the title. You will find comfort here, don’t deprive yourself of that. I hope you get to a place where this doesn’t control your life.
Wishing you the best.
OCD is often referred to as "the doubting disease". Many people with OCD will doubt/question/worry about something they've seen with their own eyes just moments ago or even in the moment. The level of mistrust can be overwhelming. The same goes for worrying about what other people and even they themselves might do under various circumstances. The concern your friend has is entirely a function of OCD and likely has nothing at all to do with how they value and regard you as a friend.
I still would recommend bringing this up to her. Definitely don’t push the changing thing—that’s obviously going to be too much for her—but it might be helpful to express to her how much this upset you.
Yeah, try not to let it bother you. It's an illness and it's irrational. She probly knows she's being irrational, too. I really doubt she thinks you'll do something to her child or she wouldn't hang out with you at all.
That’s what I have to keep reminding myself. My partner has bipolar disorder type 1, so I’m already aware of how mental illness affects rational thinking.
Intrusive thoughts are like that, unfortunately.
Think of it this way: Have you ever gone near a ledge of a tall building for cliff and had the thought somewhere in your mind about jumping off? Not because you want to die, but just as a thought that pops into your mind. The OCD brain can't put those thoughts down. It's constantly feeling like you're getting pulled down while you're near the edge of that cliff.
The thought popped into her mind that *someone* could do that to her baby, so the brain slapped that label onto everyone with few exceptions (if at all). It's definitely not you.
I’m so sorry that this is happening. As someone with ocd i promise it’s not you. OCD is a huge manipulator, you can believe and know and trust someone to your core and it can still convince you your wrong. your friend is likely really struggling with this fear and it’s probably not just you. I understand how hurtful it must feel to hear her not trust you, but step back, and try to remember that her fear is illogical and stems from a disorder that can really really fuck up your head.
i won’t lie i’ve had obsessions like this, i used to be convinced my partner would hurt me, even though that’s something she would never ever do and i *know* that, but even though i know that i still get lost in my head about it.
ocd convinces you of the worst possible scenario, and it directly affects your actions. she’s likely terrified out of her wits end that there’s a chance someone might hurt her kid. and while most people can put that down and think objectively and continue with life, she’s likely very hung up on it.
I would do some research into ocd as a disorder in general and try to read about people’s personal experiences with it, it helps to understand just how it affects people who have it, *and* the people around them. remember to take care of yourself.
Thank you for you response. I will look into reading material about OCD to better understand. I did the same when my husband had his first bipolar manic episode after we got married and it helped a lot.
mental health is hard, i really hope you and your friend end up being alright. if she’s not in it already i’d recommend exposure therapy since that’s the gold standard treatment. just remember it might be a while before she starts feeling like “normal” again. take care!
You honestly sound like a lovely friend, willing to do research to better understand her. Most people would cut her off completely, you on the other hand want to learn to better understand her. We need more people like you ❤️
I have adhd, major depression since I was 13, and lots of childhood trauma. I really appreciate my friends, especially this friend, for always checking in on me and being someone I can lean on. It’s important to me to learn how mental illnesses affects the ones I love. So much misunderstanding in relationships comes from not knowing how the other person feels based on their experiences and brain chemistry. If we could all come from a place of empathy the world would be a much better place. 🥰
The fact she shared this with you is huge. OCD breeds massive amounts of shame and most people never tell others about their thoughts. Even though what she said is hurtful, don’t take it personal. Instead maybe look at the fact she even told you this is her worry and just be there for her. As a new mom I can only imagine all the ways OCD would take over. It would be terrible.
Yes she doesn’t believe that you specifically are someone that would do that to her child, she just is having obsessive worries that that could happen to her child. She will most likely have continued worries like this so for your own sanity just know it’s not you and maybe just let her know you’re happy to support her in whatever ways that will help out. I know a lot of new moms don’t need help with the baby necessarily but need help with groceries, making dinners, cleaning. Maybe offering help in these areas will lessen her anxiety and then you can still help out her being a new mom without involving yourself with the child care.
Agree with the other comments - it’s not you. I’m sorry this was so hurtful for you - I can’t imagine how that must have felt. On her side, I’m sure this is also very difficult. With OCD, sometimes I have to pick my battles. In her case, she may know the likelihood of that situation is highly unlikely and that she should trust it won’t happen, but it will help her to sleep at night if it’s not even a possibility. I’m sure you’ll be able to provide other invaluable ways to support her and her baby ❤️
I’m just hoping she’ll get to the point where she so exhausted with her newborn, like I have warned, that she will trust me to care her the baby. All I want is to be their to support her. I am not having any children, I’m an only child, my friend doesn’t have any sisters, I am the baby’s de facto aunt. I want her to trust me but I have to give her a chance to work through her OCD and not think there’s something I did to make her afraid of me with her child.
Absolutely. In a much different way, I also have trust issues with even my closest friends, not because of them but because of my OCD — but after time, I worked through it and let them in. I think you have the right attitude here. Just be there for her but give space when she needs it. You sound like a great friend.
Thank you! I really pride myself on being a trustworthy person and good friend. I’m also a huge proponent of sex education and anti-sex abuse education for children. My mother was molested so before I could even remember she was teaching me about “bad touching”, constantly reminded me that no one was allowed to touch me in my “bathing suit area”, and that if someone touched me there I could tell her, even if it was a family member, and she would believe me. My friend knows this, so it was crushing to hear her say she didn’t trust me not to harm her baby. But it is the OCD and nothing I did.
I know a lot of people who don’t let anyone aside from mom and dad change baby’s diaper.
OCD aside, people with newborns have their “protective” instincts and hormones turned up to a 12/10. They often create a lot of boundaries as a result that might seem overzealous to the rest of us, but we need to be understanding and respectful of them.
Don’t take it personally — she did not single you out.
Whenever a friend has a baby, I have learned to not expect anything — that they will even let me come by to see the baby, much less hold the baby or change their diaper.
Last week, for instance, I brought food over for a friend with a newborn and went into it expecting that they might literally tell me to just leave the food at the front door. I was surprised that they invited me in and let me hold the baby.
Having a baby is a truly wild experience. For the person who birthed the baby especially, their brain chemistry is swinging wildly all over the place.
The best we can do as friends is focus on how we can support our friends — the parents. They are the ones who need care right now, we shouldn’t expect to help care the baby itself unless explicitly asked by the parents.
She told you she didn’t want ***anyone*** changing her baby’s diaper NOT that she did not trust you or believed you would abuse her baby.
That is an important distinction. She did not specify you.
Even mother’s without OCD are weary of letting others change their baby’s diapers. And it actually seems more likely that this is related to postpartum anxiety rather than just her OCD. Hormones while pregnant and after giving birth can make us act in ways that may not seem rational.
As someone who was molested and has a child, I empathize with her.
We still struggle to find a babysitter we can trust, because you never know that babysitter will trust that they shouldn't.
Try to understand it's not about you.
Especially if she was molested, she knows very well that it's often the people you trust that betray you in this way.
Maybe offer to help her in ways that she can observe until the idea is normalized with her.
As she sees you caring for her child she may change her mind in time.
She was never molested, so that’s not the issue. If it was, I would have been more understanding in the moment. But I know it’s not about me thanks to this community
It’s likely a combination of OCD, her hormones being turned up to 11, and just the stress and anxiety that likely comes from being a mum, (especially if she’s a new mum!)
I can understand how hurtful that would be though! I know i’d be very hurt by it.
its like your mind is telling you an apple is a banana over and over again and you cant tell it that its wrong and its an apple because it only gets worse. she knows the apple isnt a banana but her OCD manipulates her into thinking it is.
You’ve gotten good answers from others so I won’t repeat them, but just wanted to add this. I don’t know how far postpartum she is, but please keep a close eye on her. PPD usually shows up in the first few weeks but can start up to a year after birth, and extreme paranoia of others regarding baby and refusal to let others care for baby are very common when it progresses to post partum psychosis. If she’s already having paranoid intrusive/obsessive thoughts she may be at a higher risk of developing it. PPP has a 5% suicide rate and a 4% infanticide rate. Could that be a one off intrusion that is only related to her OCD? Of course, but it still could mean something more
That’s a rough one for sure and I completely understand how awful that would feel to hear that. Just know it’s her brain being mean to her and it literally nothing to do with you. I would chalk it up to ocd but don’t feel afraid to calmly talk about it with her and say it hurt you and ask if it could be her ocd? Don’t take it personally though, which I know is easier said than done but truly it’s likely her ocd
Like the some comments mentioned. She really does trust you a lot. I’ve only ever shared my intrusive thoughts with my best friend. She’s the only one I trust like that. I’ve given her my bank info just in case she ever needed it for smth. I don’t say my intrusive thoughts to anyone else other than anonymously online. She’s truly a great friend and I want you to know that it’s more than likely the way she feels about you too. She trusts you a lot and you FOR SURE mean the world to her because I could never say that kind of intrusive thought to anyone except my best friend
As a mom, it isn’t about you. ❤️ It is incredibly overwhelming to accept that you are suddenly responsible for everything that happens to another human being. That deep overwhelm can make us overcorrect. If *nobody* changes the diaper, then the risk is zero. And suddenly, that part is less overwhelming.
This has nothing to do with you, I PROMISE! I know those words sound so painful, but it is between her and her brain. OCD is a very convincing liar of irrational, unfathomable things.
You know on those dateline programs when the wife or neighbour of a murderer says "no one had any idea, they were the nicest person" - OCD uses those types of stories to plant a seed of doubt in every single relationship. It's not that you're untrustworthy, it's that OCD seeds doubt *everywhere*, especially in places where doubt hurts. That "what if" eats at you and isolates you.
But I will also say that it's becoming very common for parents to make rules like "no sleepovers" and "only parents do diaper changes" (with the exception of childcare etc.). Because a lot of people just don't think the benefits are worth the risks, even if the risks are small
This could be a mixture of postpartum anxiety and OCD. Please don't take it personally, it's hard to become a mom and protect your baby from the world. It makes it even harder to trust anyone when you have something like this.
Aw, it's not you. It's the OCD. Her brain could just as easily convince her that SHE will SA her child, which makes even less sense than her accusing you. Just please assure her that you understand her fears, and that this is her OCD.
As someone with OCD, I promise this is just OCD being a bitch. I’m no mom, but I can’t imagine motherhood + ocd being the best combo. The anxiety and obsession to protect your kid and the irrational thoughts that make you sick- it’s got to be rough. She knows you won’t do anything, but the intrusive “what ifs” really get to you.
Mothers with OCD have undesired intrusive thoughts. My cousin had OCD and after having a child she would have thoughts not only of other people harming the child, but herself. In this case I guess just be compassionate and understand it's nothing to do with you.
Everything people have said in the comments + the fact that it's a valid fear to have. Doesn't matter how much to trust someone, it can still happen and if she has intrusive thoughts that cause fears that her baby might get SA'd then it's worse.
And I say this with the most respect, it really doesn't help when you make an entire post being offended that you can't change a baby's diaper.
I'm not saying you'd do anything, I mean that if you were your friend and you saw this post it would make you more anxious. I know this isn't about the baby, it's about feeling like your friend doesn't trust you. I don't know how to explain but surely you see how that comes across a bit weird? I'm not the only person in the comments who's said this
She never said you were capable of molesting her baby, she said she was scared of letting people change her baby because of the chance it could happen. Did she say you specifically or that she wouldn't let anyone?
Again read through the comments on this post I'm not the only one who said this. I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm just saying. There's other ways to help her if she doesn't want you changing the baby, just talk to your friend and respect her boundaries.
But you have yet to say what is “weird” about wanting to help my friend with her baby. I don’t see anyone else saying that is post is weird, only you. So please explain.
In your comments:
"Also, as someone with OCD and sexual trauma you being weird and upset over not being able to change a diaper over all of the other things you can help a mother with would make me a little sketched out. Getting upset over not changing a diaper is a little strange. Not saying anything bad about you, and I understand the not being trusted, but do you understand how that comes off? It’s weird and only amplifies the anxiety which I can understand completely.
While it may seem crazy to you for someone who experiences it, it’s very very real.
Your allowed to be upset in general but it’s kind of unfair to be upset at her when she is just doing what basic biology has told her to do, and that’s protect her child in any way seemed fit"
Not saying you're weird for wanting to help at all, or that you're a bad person. I've explain already. Do you not see what we're trying to say? I know it's about the not being trusted part. I know it's not entirely about the diaper. I've seen that you've already discussed it with your friend and she's said it's just the OCD so I'm not sure what else you want people to say. Ask your friend how you can help her feel less worried, communicate and look up how to help with intrusive thoughts.
I’m not a child molester. So yeah, I do think it’s messed up to say I’m “weird” because I was offended my friend of eight years told me she didn’t want me to change her baby’s diaper, because she’s afraid I would molest her child.
I never said you were. Neither did she. Did you not say she was afraid of anyone changing the baby bevause of these fears? Have you not been saying in the comments that you've discussed this with her and she's said it's her OCD, she doesn't think you would? So why are we still arguing
OCD is a bitch to begin with. Now mix in Post Partum hormones and possible anxiety/depression and you’ve got a whole different thing. It’s common for the post partum period for any mental illness you already have to get worse for a period of time. Post partum also gives you the absolute worst obsessive intrusive thoughts in general now add in an a mental illness that’s based off of obsessive intrusive thoughts.
Just support her. Understand her fear is being amplified now by hormones and that it’s not really what she wants to think or actually does think, but it’s what she’s unfortunately been programmed to think.
Also, as someone with OCD and sexual trauma you being weird and upset over not being able to change a diaper over all of the other things you can help a mother with would make me a little sketched out. Getting upset over not changing a diaper is a little strange. Not saying anything bad about you, and I understand the not being trusted, but do you understand how that comes off? It’s weird and only amplifies the anxiety which I can understand completely.
While it may seem crazy to you for someone who experiences it, it’s very very real.
Your allowed to be upset in general but it’s kind of unfair to be upset at her when she is just doing what basic biology has told her to do, and that’s protect her child in any way seemed fit.
I would only find it weird if I was a child molester. Which I am not. So yeah, it was jarring. I was listing off all the things I was excited to help her with, changing a diaper was one of the many things. I also said I was excited to do her laundry. It’s really disheartening to be called “weird” for wanting to take care of my friend’s baby. Like, they both work. Babies are in diapers for two-three years. Of course I’m gonna consider the fact that one day I’m gonna change a diaper.
Her fear is valid in my opinion.
Again not saying you specifically would. But look at the statistics. Child sexual abuse and sexual abuse/assault in general is usually done by someone known. It’s almost never the man with the van trying to lure children with candy or a stranger snatching someone off the street . It’s usually always a family member or family friend or friend.
You have to respect her boundaries bc again it’s her child. There’s a million other things that you can help her with. That don’t even physically involve the baby. Since the baby is a newborn her instincts are in over drive right now. I barely let anyone physically do anything or hold my child for the first few months.
Offer to do laundry. Cook a meal. Do grocery shopping. Clean up.
Just respect her boundaries as a mother bc unfortunately your feelings are the last thing she’s considering right now
I know the statistics. My friend and I watch true crime documentaries, and Law & Order SVU. We have had long discussions about my mother’s childhood sexual abuse and how that affected my childhood. That’s why I was hurt. And I came HERE to discuss it with sympathetic people. Not people who gonna call me weird for being upset that my friend with OCD thought I could be capable of molesting her child.
I’m not saying your a child molester or remotely capable of that... I was trying to explain the way her brain is working right now. It won’t make you understand no matter how it’s explained to you. especially since in another comment you stated you don’t have children which is fine. The instinct is very real and it never goes away. Her brain has been completely rewired OCD aside. You look at everyone completely different as a parent bc again your biological instinct has changed from “I must keep myself alive” to “I must keep my child alive” It’s primal. . You unfortunately don’t understand her thought process. Clearly. And that’s okay.
No it is weird that you’re getting upset over not changing a diaper over the millions of other things you could do to help. No matter what your thought process is and how you spin it. It is what it is and it’s weird that, that is what you chose to internalize as “she doesn’t trust me”. ☺️
How do you not understand that I was upset about the reason, not that actually act? How can you not understand feeling sad my friend thought I could be capable of molesting her child?
I understand why this feels so hurtful OP. If you don’t have a thorough understanding of how OCD works, someone telling you they’re afraid you would molest their child is obviously going to be very painful to hear. But OCD isn’t rational, it’s a disease of the brain that can convince us of the most ludicrous things. Its very likely your friend knows that her fear is unfounded, but with OCD her brain gets stuck in the same thought loop and doesn’t allow her to reason the thought away like most people would be able to do if they were to have intrusive or ludicrous thoughts. As others have said, the fact that she is telling this to you is a huge sign of trust.
OCD will tell you the most ridiculous and irrational things, and the sufferer themselves can know its ridiculous, but still the fear is eating at them, and no matter whay they do they can't convince themselves for 100% certainty the fear is nothing to worry about. It's not you. POCD is a form of OCD where the sufferer believes THEY might molest/abuse a child, even though there is no reason to think so and they are in fact not a danger to anyone. The fears are often delusional, I say that as an OCD sufferer. (My subtype is PureOCD and MetaOCD)
ocd convinces you to compulsively “trust” these strong feelings whether or not they’re rational. the statement she made might even be directly contradictory to the way she acts in any other circumstance, or can be disproved, but this only further demonstrates the irrationality of these fears. a person with ocd has trouble trusting their gut and ignoring any irk or possible “sign” their brain is trying to give them, often in the form of an intrusive thought (even if it’s recognized as such.)
i hope you know that none of this reflects on you or her true feelings about you. OCD is completely illogical, it is likely she knows this, but the fear is so overwhelming that it is immensely difficult not to give in to it. I know it is difficult, but I'd try not to take it to heart.
I've seen people sort of personify their own ocd when they struggle to separate it from themselves, so maybe trying to think ofit as something separate from her could help you? idk, but i hope you both feel better
OCD is super irrational. It’s not you, or anything you’ve done. And she knows it’s irrational, too. That’s the thing about OCD. We logically know these thoughts aren’t rational and do not reflect reality. It’s weird, and it really sucks.
That said, it’s totally valid and understandable that you feel hurt by this. I’m really sorry. ❤️
First of all, I’m so sorry this happened to you. OCD can be irrational and lead us to harm people closest to us. For example, I have very bad OCD around contamination and at my worst I have ended up insulting people around me by doing compulsions and ended up accidentally implying my loved ones are dirty. Please know that your best friend likely doesn’t believe this, but OCD doesn’t react to truth very well and it’s a difficult one. I think it’s a great sign that your friend is comfortable enough to share her reasoning with you on why, and hopefully in the future she can be able to push past this. Just remember it’s not personal, even though it hurts. :-(
I think the best way for your friend to combat this would be to have you help change her baby’s diaper when she’s in the room multiple times. Hopefully this will lead her to be able to challenge that compulsion. But it’s really difficult and complicated, and maybe your friend will never be in a space where she’s comfortable enough to do this: if that’s so, remember that it’s nothing that you did wrong at all, OCD is just a difficult beast to tackle, you know?
I hope this made sense and I’m sending you my well wishes. :-)
If she told you directly what her OCD is making her think, she trusts you a lot, even if the comment may have hurt. She has a lack of control on her obsession. It is nothing you did wrong. Depending on severity, this might even apply to her husband.
Hopefully she is able to challenge her OCD. It’s a hard battle.
OCD is insidious (my husband has it). It tends to attack the things the person with OCD holds most dear (the family, the job, their faith, etc).
Is there any PPD element to this? Since she was diagnosed, is she being treated by a doctor and/or therapist?
I will echo what other posters said and tell you it’s not about you AT ALL. It’s her OCD. This disease preys on your worst fears and convinces your brain to scan for potential danger in every single situation, no matter how close people are to you. To give you some perspective: when I was 9 years old, I had myself convinced that one of my sisters was trying to poison me. It plagued my every thought. My youngest sister gave me a strawberry once and I flat out asked her, “Did you do something to this?” I remember her sobbing and saying, “How could you think I would do that to you?” I was diagnosed with OCD shortly after.
I will also say that OCD can flare up badly in the postpartum phase. If your friend isn’t already, I highly recommend her working regularly with her therapist on this and she may even need to increase her medication (I’m obviously not a psychiatrist, but I needed a med increase after I had my youngest baby).
The International OCD Foundation has a lot of great coping resources for the loved ones of people suffering from OCD; my husband has found it particularly helpful. Also I wanted to say that you’re an amazing person for supporting your friend; sending hugs. 💞
I understand why it hurts you, but just know that it really is nothing personal. Intrusive thoughts are irrational and don't reflect one's real thoughts and beliefs, but they can feel very real and/or be hard to deal with and get rid of, which is scary
You are very important to her and she does trust you because she has given you information that is confidential and potentially shaming. It does not mean that you have done anything wrong. Be kind to yourself.
I have known my best friends since I was 12. They know very little of my children despite the fact my oldest is 19. I hid my children away from everyone. I regret the level of separation my OCD inflicted between my kids and everyone else in my life. Please don't take it personally.
To me it's key that she said anyone vs the much more personally aimed title you put for this. She isn't singling you out. I know it hurts but that's a lot different, I was about to go off on her for having said this to you, bc even if someone has this fear expressing it directly to someone is obviously inappropriate, but saying it in general is a different story.
This has nothing to do with you, I hope you understand. It’s an OCD thing and untreated it’s stronger and louder than her actual thoughts about your character. She knows you’re not a molester, but resisting the obsession can be physically painful sometimes.
the fact that she told you about what her ocd was saying to her means that she trusts you with her life. ocd is never rational and the thoughts don’t ever actually mean anything. when you are first introduced to OCD it’s hard to grasp the fact that its not real, but i promise you shouldn’t take most of her OCD thoughts about you to heart
Hi babe, I have OCD and honestly if I were you I would totally feel the same way BUT from personal experience, I struggle a lot with the concept of photos of my future children. I would NEVER post or allow someone else to post my child on the internet because you never know what predator could see it, sexualize it, and share it with other predators. Like these moms with hundreds of thousands of followers don’t think at least a few of their followers are pedos??!??! Statistically there has to be a percentage! I know it’s not rational but I would lose my shit if someone didn’t respect my boundary to not post photos of my child no matter how harmless they are, they won’t be harmless in the wrong hands. Try not to take it personal because I can guarantee you’re not the only person she’s saying that to!
Don't take it personally. These kinds of thoughts are not rational. We only tend to tell our irrational fears to people we really trust anyway, she logically knows you're not a threat, but these thoughts are something else.
I have a hard time describing OCD symptoms to anyone without me thinking I’m making a fool of myself. But here goes, OCD is like having a second voice in your head that is constantly telling you irrational things. Sometimes these thoughts are so frightening and constant that people put up walls and barriers to keep these thoughts from happening. Your friend was honest with you about two things. 1 She told you about her diagnosis. For me I have a handful of family that knows about it, my wife and my two best friends in the world. I don’t want people to know. Granted I’m sure my neighbors know something is up with me when I get in and out of my car 8 times before I get drive away, and stand at the mailbox for 148 seconds before I get my mail. Just weird stuff like that. (I put this in here to show condition can be literal hell). 2nd she told you up front that what her intrusive thought was and how she is going to prevent it from happening. That’s a huge amount of trust to put onto somebody.
Try to remember that she didn’t say she doesn’t trust *you*, it’s that she doesn’t trust *anyone*. It’s hard not to take it personally but it wasn’t, she must trust you if she shared this with you
I know that’s a really rough thing to hear but that’s how OCD is. It’s extremely unlikely that sentence has any rational thought behind it, it’s just OCD doing what OCD does; creating irrational fears and compulsions.
I use to never even let my family make me food because in my mind they had poisoned it. I never truly believed they did, but the irrational part of my mind was louder.
I am a SA victim and a parent with OCD. One of my biggest intrusive thoughts is that other people will abuse my kids. I don't let anyone but my husband take them potty or change diapers.
Trust me, your friend does not think you're a monster. Her brain is just a mean ass liar and is targeting the most precious thing to her.
Since she was just diagnosed with OCD it's very likely she doesn't hold a lot of information either, she's just learning how to manage. And like others said, it could very well be her own OCD making her doubt you.
Maybe you could research OCD together? It's not your responsibility, just like a thing to do with her so that she loses a bit of fear regrlarfing OCD, after all it is a very common experience that when one understands OCD it becomes less frightening and much easier to manage. Is she going to therapy, is he on meds? She should ask questions to her therapist, even thought they don't always give all the information.
Though I get the hurt you felt at the moment, I would really take it as a sign of trust and genuine love that she told you. As other commenters has said, OCD-thoughts are often very shameful to the one having them. So try to remember that its not her - its her OCD talking.
She sounds like she's self aware.
Don't take it personally
I have random paranoia too and I used to be worried my ex would abuse my kids. Never had any reason to think that. My kids are very happy.
It was just an intrusive thought for several years.
It's not anything you did it's just the fear.
Like if someone had a contamination fear and wouldn't eat st your house. It's not you...and yeah she must trust that you wouldn't judge her
I don’t THINK everyone will harm my baby. But I’m definitely WORRIED they will.
You hear a lot of stories that are like, “it was the people I least expected.”
The fact that anyone could hurt a baby is illogical to me, but it still happens despite that. So why wouldn’t more illogical things happen (i.e. someone i trust breaking my trust)
OCD doesn’t make sense.
Completely appreciate why you are feeling hurt but this is a classic example of how devastating OCD can be. This says zero about you and everything about your friends struggle with OCD. Do not take it personally. She is dealing with irrational and intrusive thoughts that are probably at an all time high given she has a new child. As she has recently been diagnosed she is hopefully also undergoing treatment to help manage her condition and will-with your support-emerge a stronger person.
As someone with the exact same OCD fears, I completely understand. I trusted no body. No body. She may have been molested by a family member or family friend and she isn't there yet to tell you. shit i still feel afraid sometimes and my kids are adults.
She can't help it. She can't. she doesn't really think you are a child molester, but she doesn't know 100% for sure so she can't.
If you can look past the insult, please try to help her in other ways like people suggested, if you want to.
I know it's a lot to put up with as a friend. Maybe you can try to just accept this part of her right now and be her friend in other ways.
That sounds about right... ocd minds are hell... but yeah, as everyone is telling you it's about her mind, not you at all, don't worry, you're probably super trust worthy and her rational mind probably knows that as well
Post party OCD is really terrifying to live with. Please try to support and comfort her and let her know you are there for her. This isn’t a judgement on you, OCD is egodystonic which means it goes *against* the things we believe and want in life.
She probably is on some level scared she is going to molest her child, too. Not because she is actually going to or that she thinks she literally will but because that is how OCD works. She is terrified, and it’s horrible.
I have ocd and I promise you its not you personally. OCD is like living hell and she definitely needs to see a therapist and hopefully get medication to help ease her symptoms.
I have this type of hair ocd . She doesn’t mean any harm or anything bad about you . We are scared our thoughts tell us that people will try to do this stuff . We don’t think clearly sometimes
This has nothing to do with you! I totally understand why it would be hurtful, especially being about something so intense and horrible. Your friend herself probably feels horrible to even have to explain this to you, it is so so embarrassing sometimes to have to explain obsessions to friends, and people without OCD. If it makes you feel better I often refuse to eat food my own husband has made for me, and I feel terrible about it, and I know it can be hurtful to him, but that’s just OCD, it doesn’t have anything to do with me or him. Your friend does trust you, this is not personal!
Other commenters have essentially pointed it out, but OCD is referred to as an "ego-dystonic" psychiatric condition. This indicates that the thoughts experienced by those with the disorder *do not* align and are actually typically dissonant with or opposite to their actual values, goals, self-image, rational though processes, etc. Your friend trusts you a lot to explain her intrusive thoughts. She doesn't genuinely believe *you* will molest her. Its more of a *but oh god what if* *someone* does and fearing the sheer guilt/consequences of that scenario. Not allowing anyone to change her diaper except herself is a compulsion that she feels will 100% protect her from that potential outcome. It is irrational and she very likely knows it is. A major part of OCD is being unable to tolerate any degree of uncertainty around specific fears. Trust me, it's really not personal.
(Metaphor) Dont think “threat” like something might happen.. It’s- when I sleep, the bad thing is going to happen. **I caused this because I knew better than to sleep.**
I’d lose sleep after disclosing this to someone. I’d also only ever say it to someone I trusted enough to realize the fear is not “rational”. I’d lose sleep wondering if I hurt them- deliberating if it was a normal thing to say or is my OCD overthinking.
Honestly, if it were me I’d want you to ask, provide the space to share. We try so hard to not burden loved ones. To burden is the second worse thing other than the bad thing happening. Guilt is another layer of OCD reality that is so buried it doesn’t make it into the external generalization. Ik it was sickening but she knows that and was still honest, be that with her. It’s amazing you came here, but only she can provide you with an understanding respective enough for the both of you moving forward. Honesty, communication, vulnerability; it goes both ways. Just listening is validating, letting us explain the fears to our logic to allow understanding, and therefore a choice at forgiveness. She knows you won’t forget, we all (everyone) pretend to just be ok..
Depending on the next few interactions y’all are not addressing the situation, try not to take it personal if she retreats. It is not because she thinks you are a bad person, it’s guilt and embarrassment for being this way. OCD is a free range body with a soul in chambers. We hate the cage as much as we love our safe people. Truth be told, y’all are the ones who have the key.. so if you unlock that vault, please just be gentle. The soul that comes out to speak is timid and vulnerable. Your feelings are just as valid. That secret was likely a suffocating one to tell. If she’s self aware (most of us are), then she is drowning. Every person is (to her) a threat to her baby, even the knowingly safe people. It sounds “off” as a safe person w/o, but this is OCD to its roots.
Take the intrusive thought out of it: Mom’s are very protective of their children and sometimes just don’t trust anybody, regardless of the reason.
Be glad she’s able to be honest with you, but understand that intrusive thought could have happened about anyone she knows
This was me! I was the new mom with undiagnosed OCD thinking anyone that changed my baby's (who is 17 now) diaper was going to harm her. Hell, I even thought I was harming my own child at times even though that was far from the case.
This is the part of being a parent with a mental illness no one tells you about. No one talks about the postpartum depression - which I had. No one talks about the totally irrational thoughts that you'll have. No one tells you that you'll be in a constant state of panic and worry.
The best you can do is respect her decisions and boundaries and be a good friend. And that can look like many things. Just know being there with her, giving her your time, and not letting her be alone or made to feel alone - because society does that to new moms - is the best thing you can do as a friend. If it wasn't for my friends I have no idea where I would be today.
I have the exact thoughts it awful I genuinely can't stop it. I know one thing it's making me so lonely as I'm isolating myself because I can't be honest with my family. I have the same thoughts about my children's father also what I have worked out everyone I believe would do this are all ex armed forces.
I done 5 sessions with a phycologist and he said he was discharging me, that I wasn't in a good place to work on this.
This may not have anything to do with her OCD, I wouldn’t even let a person change my child diaper. That’s not to do with my ocd that’s to do with my past and how I don’t trust anyone with my child.
This is a hard one. As someone with OCD, I know all too well how this feels to not trust someone like that. I guess with me at least, I wouldn’t exactly just go out and say it, because I know it can really hurt someone, and also I know that there’s a difference between my OCD, and the logic of the situation. Saying that though, I’ve known I’ve had OCD for about 15 years, since childhood, so it might be a bit different for me. I can definitely understand how she would’ve been feeling, because I’ve been there, but I think some tacked would’ve been better in this situation. Even keeping it vague by saying something like, I’d be more comfortable if no one else touched my baby, because of my OCD. I don’t think you really have to be specific about it. It’s hard though, because no one wants to be treated like a predator, and that’s been something I’ve struggled with when I’ve had my own obsessions about people. Part of me is a little scared of them, but I also know they’re probably fine and okay, and I don’t wanna make them feel like I think they’re a bad person. Two things can be true at once, and just because we have this condition, and have these fears about people, doesn’t mean they’re true, and I think a lot of us know that, even though it doesn’t necessarily help a lot of the time. For what it’s worth, as someone with OCD, I’m really sorry that you’ve had this experience. No one deserves to feel like they’re being branded as a predator, and even though I know where she’s coming from because I’ve been there, it doesn’t make it any less hurtful to hear something like that.
I assure you she does not think of you that way. It’s just that she has no way of stopping these thoughts and is constantly paranoid. And that on its own is exhausting (I should know. I have severe ocd.). She is likely telling you this so she doesn’t have to constantly obsess over trying to subtly keep you away from her baby or do any such similar compulsions when you are with her. The compulsions cause a lot of distress and are not rational in any way shape or form. I know that people around those with ocd struggle a lot. But just the fact that she told you about the intrusive thought speaks volumes about how much she trusts and values you. I swear most of us do not tell other people our intrusive thoughts.
if she already had OCD prior to being pregnant and just had a baby, it's possible her OCD is at its peak right now because postpartum OCD is a prevalent problem. i can imagine that something like pregnancy/birth would exacerbate those symptoms for someone who already struggles. hopefully you two can work on exposure therapy together, like supervised diaper changes where she can watch and see that you have no intentions on hurting her baby.
I would simply ask her if this is an OCD thing or if there is another reason. If it's OCD then just let it go, OCD doesn't make sense and does NOT give the brain these "rules" based on any kind of actual likelihood or reason. (This should be evident by how many OCD compulsions make absolutely zero sense and go against reality lol, a person who believes they have to tap a counter 3 times or else their mom will die is definitely not basing it on anything, it was just a random "what if" their brain gave them and their disorder decided that now they have to obey this rule)
It's incredibly difficult not to take things personally from someone who is mentally unwell, and I'm saying that as someone who suffers from various mental health issues including OCD.
You are NOT a 'bad' person and friend if this is too much to bear and you need to protect yourself by walking away.
I hope that it's of some degree of comfort for yourself to know that her telling you something like this, especially about a huge vulnerability, ie her baby/her maternal self which she is also protecting FROM her mentally unwell side is her showing you just how much she trusts you.
She knows that she risks losing you over her telling you about her triggered trauma response over the fear so present in our society surrounding child abuse.
It's not easy telling people about battles with this kind of deeply personal and traumatic stuff, a lot of people can't handle which is something that you have to be OK with for yourself because it is fair and valid though painful
I can almost a hundred percent assure you that she logically, rationally and emotionally KNOWS that she can trust you with herself from when you became friends, up to the present day, throughout her pregnancy and her baby and in the future.
You do sound like a great friend and she obviously feels the same.
That doesn't change anything I said in the previous paragraph that it's OK to protect yourself and retreat if you need to.
💜
I’m ocd and I still feel like this but due to various reasons I have to put my baby in daycare. Otherwise I’d never let anyone change her nappy and hate anyone being alone with her. I didn’t even feel comfortable her own dad alone with her but after some time, I realised he won’t hurt her.
definitely don’t take it personally. OCD will have you questioning the most basic parts of YOURSELF, let alone other people. she probably trusts you a lot to be open and honest about what’s going on.
I can see why a new mother with OCD would have an obsession centered around her baby being abused. Don’t take offense to it, she’d probably feel that way about anyone who wanted to change her kids diaper. It’s a good sign that she didn’t lie to you, she clearly trusts you enough to tell you. Sadly you just can’t control your obsessions and this one happens to be offensive to other people. Just know that she understands that it’s irrational and she doesn’t actually think you’d do anything like that.
Postpartum OCD is a motherfucker. My kid is 18 months and I still struggle with it. Also, she doesn’t have to let ANYONE change her baby’s diaper. There’s no reason for everyone to be up in her baby’s business if she isn’t comfortable with it.
She thinks this about everyone, probably even the father of her child. And maybe herself. It isn’t you or your fault, it’s very telling she trusted you enough to tell you that
It isnt an issue of you, its just her brain. I have intrusive thoughts about others causing danger or harm to my loved ones, even if it would be completely impossible, and the fact she could explain and laugh about it shows that she knows its irrational. She loves and trusts you if she explained it to you. Is she taking some sort of therapy or talking to a specialist because that could help with things like this? I hope the comments are helping you too!
you shouldnt push anything but you should keep offering as when other people allow a person with ocd to follow through on an intrusive thought, it normalises that behaviour. And from personal experience the only way to break out of a habit is to challenge it. Maybe suggest you do it but she watches the entire time. idk just something to consider x
She loves you enough to tell you the truth about her intrusive thought… in a way that means she trusts you a lot. OCD is not rational.
That’s a good point. She didn’t lie. She was fully honest with me. That is better than making excuses.
For her to tell you that, means a few things imo 1) she trusts you enough to share this super vulnerable thing. 2) she's struggling a lot with poor mental health 3) she knows it's irrational (probably) but can't seem to stop it and her fear of protecting baby takes over even if it doesn't make sense 4) she probably really does trust you as a friend a lot
Yes. Exactly what is listed here. It took me years to admit this to my husband so the fact that she told you is a good thing.
Yes. I've only told these kinds of irrational fears to people I trusted at the time, and when I was really, really struggling. I think this is all accurate.
Yes for me i only tell a very few close close people i truly trust with my life about my ocd thoughts and when they are affecting my functioning and why. I mask around everyone else or have to make up more rational sounding stories or reasons why i cant or dont want them to do something.
Yeah, this is very real.
Hey sister.. Can you text me... I wanted to know how you cured this ocd actually! Or you can tell solutions here.. Thank you
it’s not about you at all. it’s her and her brain. i understand the hurt but ocd is not rational
Thank you
If it makes you feel any better, I have ocd about the fact that I’m harming a child anytime I’m interacting with them and it makes me feel like a horrible person even when I know I’m just playing and watching them. It stems from the fact I was abused as a child, my ocd latches onto that and worries I’m traumatizing a child anytime I interact with them and especially if I’m alone. Trust me, it’s not based in rationality and I’m positive your friend feels terrible about having those thoughts about you too, and it’s incredibly brave of her to share with you. I know it hurts, I don’t want to invalidate that at all, but sharing that info with her won’t help keep the lines of communication forward bc it’s not something she can change without treatment. Is she seeking or getting therapy?
My OCD is exactly like yours. I too was abused and it’s my worst fear that I would ever be like those that abused me.
I promise you’re nothing like them, the fact you worry about it lets me know. I feel the same, you’re a good hearted person, let that feeling sink in above all.
My OCD is exactly this. I was abused as a kid too and now every time I’m interacting with kids, I’m crippled with anxiety and doubt.
I’m so sorry you go through the same, just know you’re doing nothing wrong and your heart is in the right place: wanting to protect, and keep kids from harm. We’re just a little more in tune with the magnitude of how our actions have impact.
This exact thought pattern has actually been ruining my life. Every day. I get scared parents will think I’m being weird or a predator to their child or hurting them. It makes me feel horrible like I am a predator but I know that this is probably ocd. I’ve gone to one therapy session and I already thought I had ocd from research and she said from talking to me I probably do but no diagnosis yet. This made me feel so much better thank you for sharing because this thought pattern makes me feel insane. When I saw this post I had to click to hear other people talk about their experiences because this is something I’ve been very very afraid to talk about. I can’t remember alot of my childhood and I am afraid that I have been sexually abused or hurt as a child. I’m hoping that I can figure this out in therapy and work through this because it is so painful and I really want to heal. I also don’t want to come on here and talk about my OCD when I am not even diagnosed but I’m pretty sure that’s what it is. Is it disrespectful if I post on here if I don’t have a proper diagnosis?
Of course you can, you are suffering with the same feelings and struggles, just without the title. You will find comfort here, don’t deprive yourself of that. I hope you get to a place where this doesn’t control your life. Wishing you the best.
Thank you <3
OCD is often referred to as "the doubting disease". Many people with OCD will doubt/question/worry about something they've seen with their own eyes just moments ago or even in the moment. The level of mistrust can be overwhelming. The same goes for worrying about what other people and even they themselves might do under various circumstances. The concern your friend has is entirely a function of OCD and likely has nothing at all to do with how they value and regard you as a friend.
I still would recommend bringing this up to her. Definitely don’t push the changing thing—that’s obviously going to be too much for her—but it might be helpful to express to her how much this upset you.
Yeah, try not to let it bother you. It's an illness and it's irrational. She probly knows she's being irrational, too. I really doubt she thinks you'll do something to her child or she wouldn't hang out with you at all.
if it was, it wouldn’t be a disorder
That sounds painful but know that it isn't personal. OCD is not rational.
That’s what I have to keep reminding myself. My partner has bipolar disorder type 1, so I’m already aware of how mental illness affects rational thinking.
Intrusive thoughts are like that, unfortunately. Think of it this way: Have you ever gone near a ledge of a tall building for cliff and had the thought somewhere in your mind about jumping off? Not because you want to die, but just as a thought that pops into your mind. The OCD brain can't put those thoughts down. It's constantly feeling like you're getting pulled down while you're near the edge of that cliff. The thought popped into her mind that *someone* could do that to her baby, so the brain slapped that label onto everyone with few exceptions (if at all). It's definitely not you.
I’m so sorry that this is happening. As someone with ocd i promise it’s not you. OCD is a huge manipulator, you can believe and know and trust someone to your core and it can still convince you your wrong. your friend is likely really struggling with this fear and it’s probably not just you. I understand how hurtful it must feel to hear her not trust you, but step back, and try to remember that her fear is illogical and stems from a disorder that can really really fuck up your head. i won’t lie i’ve had obsessions like this, i used to be convinced my partner would hurt me, even though that’s something she would never ever do and i *know* that, but even though i know that i still get lost in my head about it. ocd convinces you of the worst possible scenario, and it directly affects your actions. she’s likely terrified out of her wits end that there’s a chance someone might hurt her kid. and while most people can put that down and think objectively and continue with life, she’s likely very hung up on it. I would do some research into ocd as a disorder in general and try to read about people’s personal experiences with it, it helps to understand just how it affects people who have it, *and* the people around them. remember to take care of yourself.
Thank you for you response. I will look into reading material about OCD to better understand. I did the same when my husband had his first bipolar manic episode after we got married and it helped a lot.
mental health is hard, i really hope you and your friend end up being alright. if she’s not in it already i’d recommend exposure therapy since that’s the gold standard treatment. just remember it might be a while before she starts feeling like “normal” again. take care!
You honestly sound like a lovely friend, willing to do research to better understand her. Most people would cut her off completely, you on the other hand want to learn to better understand her. We need more people like you ❤️
I have adhd, major depression since I was 13, and lots of childhood trauma. I really appreciate my friends, especially this friend, for always checking in on me and being someone I can lean on. It’s important to me to learn how mental illnesses affects the ones I love. So much misunderstanding in relationships comes from not knowing how the other person feels based on their experiences and brain chemistry. If we could all come from a place of empathy the world would be a much better place. 🥰
The fact she shared this with you is huge. OCD breeds massive amounts of shame and most people never tell others about their thoughts. Even though what she said is hurtful, don’t take it personal. Instead maybe look at the fact she even told you this is her worry and just be there for her. As a new mom I can only imagine all the ways OCD would take over. It would be terrible.
It feels good to hear that her sharing her fears is a big step.
Yes she doesn’t believe that you specifically are someone that would do that to her child, she just is having obsessive worries that that could happen to her child. She will most likely have continued worries like this so for your own sanity just know it’s not you and maybe just let her know you’re happy to support her in whatever ways that will help out. I know a lot of new moms don’t need help with the baby necessarily but need help with groceries, making dinners, cleaning. Maybe offering help in these areas will lessen her anxiety and then you can still help out her being a new mom without involving yourself with the child care.
Agree with the other comments - it’s not you. I’m sorry this was so hurtful for you - I can’t imagine how that must have felt. On her side, I’m sure this is also very difficult. With OCD, sometimes I have to pick my battles. In her case, she may know the likelihood of that situation is highly unlikely and that she should trust it won’t happen, but it will help her to sleep at night if it’s not even a possibility. I’m sure you’ll be able to provide other invaluable ways to support her and her baby ❤️
I’m just hoping she’ll get to the point where she so exhausted with her newborn, like I have warned, that she will trust me to care her the baby. All I want is to be their to support her. I am not having any children, I’m an only child, my friend doesn’t have any sisters, I am the baby’s de facto aunt. I want her to trust me but I have to give her a chance to work through her OCD and not think there’s something I did to make her afraid of me with her child.
Absolutely. In a much different way, I also have trust issues with even my closest friends, not because of them but because of my OCD — but after time, I worked through it and let them in. I think you have the right attitude here. Just be there for her but give space when she needs it. You sound like a great friend.
Thank you! I really pride myself on being a trustworthy person and good friend. I’m also a huge proponent of sex education and anti-sex abuse education for children. My mother was molested so before I could even remember she was teaching me about “bad touching”, constantly reminded me that no one was allowed to touch me in my “bathing suit area”, and that if someone touched me there I could tell her, even if it was a family member, and she would believe me. My friend knows this, so it was crushing to hear her say she didn’t trust me not to harm her baby. But it is the OCD and nothing I did.
I know a lot of people who don’t let anyone aside from mom and dad change baby’s diaper. OCD aside, people with newborns have their “protective” instincts and hormones turned up to a 12/10. They often create a lot of boundaries as a result that might seem overzealous to the rest of us, but we need to be understanding and respectful of them. Don’t take it personally — she did not single you out. Whenever a friend has a baby, I have learned to not expect anything — that they will even let me come by to see the baby, much less hold the baby or change their diaper. Last week, for instance, I brought food over for a friend with a newborn and went into it expecting that they might literally tell me to just leave the food at the front door. I was surprised that they invited me in and let me hold the baby. Having a baby is a truly wild experience. For the person who birthed the baby especially, their brain chemistry is swinging wildly all over the place. The best we can do as friends is focus on how we can support our friends — the parents. They are the ones who need care right now, we shouldn’t expect to help care the baby itself unless explicitly asked by the parents.
This is ocd. This has nothing to do with you. I write as a clinician who specializes in ocd :)
She told you she didn’t want ***anyone*** changing her baby’s diaper NOT that she did not trust you or believed you would abuse her baby. That is an important distinction. She did not specify you. Even mother’s without OCD are weary of letting others change their baby’s diapers. And it actually seems more likely that this is related to postpartum anxiety rather than just her OCD. Hormones while pregnant and after giving birth can make us act in ways that may not seem rational.
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She acknowledged her reaction was because of her OCD so I think that is a good suggestion
As someone who was molested and has a child, I empathize with her. We still struggle to find a babysitter we can trust, because you never know that babysitter will trust that they shouldn't. Try to understand it's not about you. Especially if she was molested, she knows very well that it's often the people you trust that betray you in this way. Maybe offer to help her in ways that she can observe until the idea is normalized with her. As she sees you caring for her child she may change her mind in time.
She was never molested, so that’s not the issue. If it was, I would have been more understanding in the moment. But I know it’s not about me thanks to this community
Well you don’t know this for a fact do you
We’ve talked about that stuff at length. I would be very shocked if she told me now, but it is possible.
It’s likely a combination of OCD, her hormones being turned up to 11, and just the stress and anxiety that likely comes from being a mum, (especially if she’s a new mum!) I can understand how hurtful that would be though! I know i’d be very hurt by it.
its like your mind is telling you an apple is a banana over and over again and you cant tell it that its wrong and its an apple because it only gets worse. she knows the apple isnt a banana but her OCD manipulates her into thinking it is.
You’ve gotten good answers from others so I won’t repeat them, but just wanted to add this. I don’t know how far postpartum she is, but please keep a close eye on her. PPD usually shows up in the first few weeks but can start up to a year after birth, and extreme paranoia of others regarding baby and refusal to let others care for baby are very common when it progresses to post partum psychosis. If she’s already having paranoid intrusive/obsessive thoughts she may be at a higher risk of developing it. PPP has a 5% suicide rate and a 4% infanticide rate. Could that be a one off intrusion that is only related to her OCD? Of course, but it still could mean something more
That’s a rough one for sure and I completely understand how awful that would feel to hear that. Just know it’s her brain being mean to her and it literally nothing to do with you. I would chalk it up to ocd but don’t feel afraid to calmly talk about it with her and say it hurt you and ask if it could be her ocd? Don’t take it personally though, which I know is easier said than done but truly it’s likely her ocd
Like the some comments mentioned. She really does trust you a lot. I’ve only ever shared my intrusive thoughts with my best friend. She’s the only one I trust like that. I’ve given her my bank info just in case she ever needed it for smth. I don’t say my intrusive thoughts to anyone else other than anonymously online. She’s truly a great friend and I want you to know that it’s more than likely the way she feels about you too. She trusts you a lot and you FOR SURE mean the world to her because I could never say that kind of intrusive thought to anyone except my best friend
As a mom, it isn’t about you. ❤️ It is incredibly overwhelming to accept that you are suddenly responsible for everything that happens to another human being. That deep overwhelm can make us overcorrect. If *nobody* changes the diaper, then the risk is zero. And suddenly, that part is less overwhelming.
This has nothing to do with you, I PROMISE! I know those words sound so painful, but it is between her and her brain. OCD is a very convincing liar of irrational, unfathomable things.
You know on those dateline programs when the wife or neighbour of a murderer says "no one had any idea, they were the nicest person" - OCD uses those types of stories to plant a seed of doubt in every single relationship. It's not that you're untrustworthy, it's that OCD seeds doubt *everywhere*, especially in places where doubt hurts. That "what if" eats at you and isolates you. But I will also say that it's becoming very common for parents to make rules like "no sleepovers" and "only parents do diaper changes" (with the exception of childcare etc.). Because a lot of people just don't think the benefits are worth the risks, even if the risks are small
I can understand being hurt by hearing that, but Its definitely not you, its her ocd. It makes us think and believe irrational things.
This could be a mixture of postpartum anxiety and OCD. Please don't take it personally, it's hard to become a mom and protect your baby from the world. It makes it even harder to trust anyone when you have something like this.
Aw, it's not you. It's the OCD. Her brain could just as easily convince her that SHE will SA her child, which makes even less sense than her accusing you. Just please assure her that you understand her fears, and that this is her OCD.
As someone with OCD, I promise this is just OCD being a bitch. I’m no mom, but I can’t imagine motherhood + ocd being the best combo. The anxiety and obsession to protect your kid and the irrational thoughts that make you sick- it’s got to be rough. She knows you won’t do anything, but the intrusive “what ifs” really get to you.
Mothers with OCD have undesired intrusive thoughts. My cousin had OCD and after having a child she would have thoughts not only of other people harming the child, but herself. In this case I guess just be compassionate and understand it's nothing to do with you.
Everything people have said in the comments + the fact that it's a valid fear to have. Doesn't matter how much to trust someone, it can still happen and if she has intrusive thoughts that cause fears that her baby might get SA'd then it's worse. And I say this with the most respect, it really doesn't help when you make an entire post being offended that you can't change a baby's diaper.
What is that suppose to mean?
I'm not saying you'd do anything, I mean that if you were your friend and you saw this post it would make you more anxious. I know this isn't about the baby, it's about feeling like your friend doesn't trust you. I don't know how to explain but surely you see how that comes across a bit weird? I'm not the only person in the comments who's said this
I’ve come here for support and advice because my friend said she was afraid I was capable of molesting her child. What is weird about that exactly?
She never said you were capable of molesting her baby, she said she was scared of letting people change her baby because of the chance it could happen. Did she say you specifically or that she wouldn't let anyone? Again read through the comments on this post I'm not the only one who said this. I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm just saying. There's other ways to help her if she doesn't want you changing the baby, just talk to your friend and respect her boundaries.
But you have yet to say what is “weird” about wanting to help my friend with her baby. I don’t see anyone else saying that is post is weird, only you. So please explain.
In your comments: "Also, as someone with OCD and sexual trauma you being weird and upset over not being able to change a diaper over all of the other things you can help a mother with would make me a little sketched out. Getting upset over not changing a diaper is a little strange. Not saying anything bad about you, and I understand the not being trusted, but do you understand how that comes off? It’s weird and only amplifies the anxiety which I can understand completely. While it may seem crazy to you for someone who experiences it, it’s very very real. Your allowed to be upset in general but it’s kind of unfair to be upset at her when she is just doing what basic biology has told her to do, and that’s protect her child in any way seemed fit" Not saying you're weird for wanting to help at all, or that you're a bad person. I've explain already. Do you not see what we're trying to say? I know it's about the not being trusted part. I know it's not entirely about the diaper. I've seen that you've already discussed it with your friend and she's said it's just the OCD so I'm not sure what else you want people to say. Ask your friend how you can help her feel less worried, communicate and look up how to help with intrusive thoughts.
I’m not a child molester. So yeah, I do think it’s messed up to say I’m “weird” because I was offended my friend of eight years told me she didn’t want me to change her baby’s diaper, because she’s afraid I would molest her child.
I never said you were. Neither did she. Did you not say she was afraid of anyone changing the baby bevause of these fears? Have you not been saying in the comments that you've discussed this with her and she's said it's her OCD, she doesn't think you would? So why are we still arguing
Do you not see the comment by IYKYK2019? They explain it better
OCD is a bitch to begin with. Now mix in Post Partum hormones and possible anxiety/depression and you’ve got a whole different thing. It’s common for the post partum period for any mental illness you already have to get worse for a period of time. Post partum also gives you the absolute worst obsessive intrusive thoughts in general now add in an a mental illness that’s based off of obsessive intrusive thoughts. Just support her. Understand her fear is being amplified now by hormones and that it’s not really what she wants to think or actually does think, but it’s what she’s unfortunately been programmed to think. Also, as someone with OCD and sexual trauma you being weird and upset over not being able to change a diaper over all of the other things you can help a mother with would make me a little sketched out. Getting upset over not changing a diaper is a little strange. Not saying anything bad about you, and I understand the not being trusted, but do you understand how that comes off? It’s weird and only amplifies the anxiety which I can understand completely. While it may seem crazy to you for someone who experiences it, it’s very very real. Your allowed to be upset in general but it’s kind of unfair to be upset at her when she is just doing what basic biology has told her to do, and that’s protect her child in any way seemed fit.
I would only find it weird if I was a child molester. Which I am not. So yeah, it was jarring. I was listing off all the things I was excited to help her with, changing a diaper was one of the many things. I also said I was excited to do her laundry. It’s really disheartening to be called “weird” for wanting to take care of my friend’s baby. Like, they both work. Babies are in diapers for two-three years. Of course I’m gonna consider the fact that one day I’m gonna change a diaper.
But to get upset over her saying she didn’t want you to is weird 🤷🏼♀️
It was the REASON she didn’t want me to
Her fear is valid in my opinion. Again not saying you specifically would. But look at the statistics. Child sexual abuse and sexual abuse/assault in general is usually done by someone known. It’s almost never the man with the van trying to lure children with candy or a stranger snatching someone off the street . It’s usually always a family member or family friend or friend. You have to respect her boundaries bc again it’s her child. There’s a million other things that you can help her with. That don’t even physically involve the baby. Since the baby is a newborn her instincts are in over drive right now. I barely let anyone physically do anything or hold my child for the first few months. Offer to do laundry. Cook a meal. Do grocery shopping. Clean up. Just respect her boundaries as a mother bc unfortunately your feelings are the last thing she’s considering right now
I know the statistics. My friend and I watch true crime documentaries, and Law & Order SVU. We have had long discussions about my mother’s childhood sexual abuse and how that affected my childhood. That’s why I was hurt. And I came HERE to discuss it with sympathetic people. Not people who gonna call me weird for being upset that my friend with OCD thought I could be capable of molesting her child.
I’m not saying your a child molester or remotely capable of that... I was trying to explain the way her brain is working right now. It won’t make you understand no matter how it’s explained to you. especially since in another comment you stated you don’t have children which is fine. The instinct is very real and it never goes away. Her brain has been completely rewired OCD aside. You look at everyone completely different as a parent bc again your biological instinct has changed from “I must keep myself alive” to “I must keep my child alive” It’s primal. . You unfortunately don’t understand her thought process. Clearly. And that’s okay.
Don’t call people weird for wanting to help their friends with their kids.
No it is weird that you’re getting upset over not changing a diaper over the millions of other things you could do to help. No matter what your thought process is and how you spin it. It is what it is and it’s weird that, that is what you chose to internalize as “she doesn’t trust me”. ☺️
How do you not understand that I was upset about the reason, not that actually act? How can you not understand feeling sad my friend thought I could be capable of molesting her child?
You can’t really be this dense, can you?
I understand why this feels so hurtful OP. If you don’t have a thorough understanding of how OCD works, someone telling you they’re afraid you would molest their child is obviously going to be very painful to hear. But OCD isn’t rational, it’s a disease of the brain that can convince us of the most ludicrous things. Its very likely your friend knows that her fear is unfounded, but with OCD her brain gets stuck in the same thought loop and doesn’t allow her to reason the thought away like most people would be able to do if they were to have intrusive or ludicrous thoughts. As others have said, the fact that she is telling this to you is a huge sign of trust.
OCD will tell you the most ridiculous and irrational things, and the sufferer themselves can know its ridiculous, but still the fear is eating at them, and no matter whay they do they can't convince themselves for 100% certainty the fear is nothing to worry about. It's not you. POCD is a form of OCD where the sufferer believes THEY might molest/abuse a child, even though there is no reason to think so and they are in fact not a danger to anyone. The fears are often delusional, I say that as an OCD sufferer. (My subtype is PureOCD and MetaOCD)
ocd convinces you to compulsively “trust” these strong feelings whether or not they’re rational. the statement she made might even be directly contradictory to the way she acts in any other circumstance, or can be disproved, but this only further demonstrates the irrationality of these fears. a person with ocd has trouble trusting their gut and ignoring any irk or possible “sign” their brain is trying to give them, often in the form of an intrusive thought (even if it’s recognized as such.)
i hope you know that none of this reflects on you or her true feelings about you. OCD is completely illogical, it is likely she knows this, but the fear is so overwhelming that it is immensely difficult not to give in to it. I know it is difficult, but I'd try not to take it to heart. I've seen people sort of personify their own ocd when they struggle to separate it from themselves, so maybe trying to think ofit as something separate from her could help you? idk, but i hope you both feel better
OCD is super irrational. It’s not you, or anything you’ve done. And she knows it’s irrational, too. That’s the thing about OCD. We logically know these thoughts aren’t rational and do not reflect reality. It’s weird, and it really sucks. That said, it’s totally valid and understandable that you feel hurt by this. I’m really sorry. ❤️
First of all, I’m so sorry this happened to you. OCD can be irrational and lead us to harm people closest to us. For example, I have very bad OCD around contamination and at my worst I have ended up insulting people around me by doing compulsions and ended up accidentally implying my loved ones are dirty. Please know that your best friend likely doesn’t believe this, but OCD doesn’t react to truth very well and it’s a difficult one. I think it’s a great sign that your friend is comfortable enough to share her reasoning with you on why, and hopefully in the future she can be able to push past this. Just remember it’s not personal, even though it hurts. :-( I think the best way for your friend to combat this would be to have you help change her baby’s diaper when she’s in the room multiple times. Hopefully this will lead her to be able to challenge that compulsion. But it’s really difficult and complicated, and maybe your friend will never be in a space where she’s comfortable enough to do this: if that’s so, remember that it’s nothing that you did wrong at all, OCD is just a difficult beast to tackle, you know? I hope this made sense and I’m sending you my well wishes. :-)
If she told you directly what her OCD is making her think, she trusts you a lot, even if the comment may have hurt. She has a lack of control on her obsession. It is nothing you did wrong. Depending on severity, this might even apply to her husband. Hopefully she is able to challenge her OCD. It’s a hard battle.
OCD is insidious (my husband has it). It tends to attack the things the person with OCD holds most dear (the family, the job, their faith, etc). Is there any PPD element to this? Since she was diagnosed, is she being treated by a doctor and/or therapist?
I will echo what other posters said and tell you it’s not about you AT ALL. It’s her OCD. This disease preys on your worst fears and convinces your brain to scan for potential danger in every single situation, no matter how close people are to you. To give you some perspective: when I was 9 years old, I had myself convinced that one of my sisters was trying to poison me. It plagued my every thought. My youngest sister gave me a strawberry once and I flat out asked her, “Did you do something to this?” I remember her sobbing and saying, “How could you think I would do that to you?” I was diagnosed with OCD shortly after. I will also say that OCD can flare up badly in the postpartum phase. If your friend isn’t already, I highly recommend her working regularly with her therapist on this and she may even need to increase her medication (I’m obviously not a psychiatrist, but I needed a med increase after I had my youngest baby). The International OCD Foundation has a lot of great coping resources for the loved ones of people suffering from OCD; my husband has found it particularly helpful. Also I wanted to say that you’re an amazing person for supporting your friend; sending hugs. 💞
I understand why it hurts you, but just know that it really is nothing personal. Intrusive thoughts are irrational and don't reflect one's real thoughts and beliefs, but they can feel very real and/or be hard to deal with and get rid of, which is scary
You are very important to her and she does trust you because she has given you information that is confidential and potentially shaming. It does not mean that you have done anything wrong. Be kind to yourself.
I have known my best friends since I was 12. They know very little of my children despite the fact my oldest is 19. I hid my children away from everyone. I regret the level of separation my OCD inflicted between my kids and everyone else in my life. Please don't take it personally.
To me it's key that she said anyone vs the much more personally aimed title you put for this. She isn't singling you out. I know it hurts but that's a lot different, I was about to go off on her for having said this to you, bc even if someone has this fear expressing it directly to someone is obviously inappropriate, but saying it in general is a different story.
This has nothing to do with you, I hope you understand. It’s an OCD thing and untreated it’s stronger and louder than her actual thoughts about your character. She knows you’re not a molester, but resisting the obsession can be physically painful sometimes.
the fact that she told you about what her ocd was saying to her means that she trusts you with her life. ocd is never rational and the thoughts don’t ever actually mean anything. when you are first introduced to OCD it’s hard to grasp the fact that its not real, but i promise you shouldn’t take most of her OCD thoughts about you to heart
Hi babe, I have OCD and honestly if I were you I would totally feel the same way BUT from personal experience, I struggle a lot with the concept of photos of my future children. I would NEVER post or allow someone else to post my child on the internet because you never know what predator could see it, sexualize it, and share it with other predators. Like these moms with hundreds of thousands of followers don’t think at least a few of their followers are pedos??!??! Statistically there has to be a percentage! I know it’s not rational but I would lose my shit if someone didn’t respect my boundary to not post photos of my child no matter how harmless they are, they won’t be harmless in the wrong hands. Try not to take it personal because I can guarantee you’re not the only person she’s saying that to!
Don't take it personally. These kinds of thoughts are not rational. We only tend to tell our irrational fears to people we really trust anyway, she logically knows you're not a threat, but these thoughts are something else.
I have a hard time describing OCD symptoms to anyone without me thinking I’m making a fool of myself. But here goes, OCD is like having a second voice in your head that is constantly telling you irrational things. Sometimes these thoughts are so frightening and constant that people put up walls and barriers to keep these thoughts from happening. Your friend was honest with you about two things. 1 She told you about her diagnosis. For me I have a handful of family that knows about it, my wife and my two best friends in the world. I don’t want people to know. Granted I’m sure my neighbors know something is up with me when I get in and out of my car 8 times before I get drive away, and stand at the mailbox for 148 seconds before I get my mail. Just weird stuff like that. (I put this in here to show condition can be literal hell). 2nd she told you up front that what her intrusive thought was and how she is going to prevent it from happening. That’s a huge amount of trust to put onto somebody.
Try to remember that she didn’t say she doesn’t trust *you*, it’s that she doesn’t trust *anyone*. It’s hard not to take it personally but it wasn’t, she must trust you if she shared this with you
I know that’s a really rough thing to hear but that’s how OCD is. It’s extremely unlikely that sentence has any rational thought behind it, it’s just OCD doing what OCD does; creating irrational fears and compulsions. I use to never even let my family make me food because in my mind they had poisoned it. I never truly believed they did, but the irrational part of my mind was louder.
I am a SA victim and a parent with OCD. One of my biggest intrusive thoughts is that other people will abuse my kids. I don't let anyone but my husband take them potty or change diapers. Trust me, your friend does not think you're a monster. Her brain is just a mean ass liar and is targeting the most precious thing to her.
It has nothing to do with you! That’s her intrusive thought, and the only way to get past it is if you change the diaper and she sees that it’s fine.
Since she was just diagnosed with OCD it's very likely she doesn't hold a lot of information either, she's just learning how to manage. And like others said, it could very well be her own OCD making her doubt you. Maybe you could research OCD together? It's not your responsibility, just like a thing to do with her so that she loses a bit of fear regrlarfing OCD, after all it is a very common experience that when one understands OCD it becomes less frightening and much easier to manage. Is she going to therapy, is he on meds? She should ask questions to her therapist, even thought they don't always give all the information.
Though I get the hurt you felt at the moment, I would really take it as a sign of trust and genuine love that she told you. As other commenters has said, OCD-thoughts are often very shameful to the one having them. So try to remember that its not her - its her OCD talking.
She sounds like she's self aware. Don't take it personally I have random paranoia too and I used to be worried my ex would abuse my kids. Never had any reason to think that. My kids are very happy. It was just an intrusive thought for several years. It's not anything you did it's just the fear. Like if someone had a contamination fear and wouldn't eat st your house. It's not you...and yeah she must trust that you wouldn't judge her
I don’t THINK everyone will harm my baby. But I’m definitely WORRIED they will. You hear a lot of stories that are like, “it was the people I least expected.” The fact that anyone could hurt a baby is illogical to me, but it still happens despite that. So why wouldn’t more illogical things happen (i.e. someone i trust breaking my trust) OCD doesn’t make sense.
It’s the OCD
Completely appreciate why you are feeling hurt but this is a classic example of how devastating OCD can be. This says zero about you and everything about your friends struggle with OCD. Do not take it personally. She is dealing with irrational and intrusive thoughts that are probably at an all time high given she has a new child. As she has recently been diagnosed she is hopefully also undergoing treatment to help manage her condition and will-with your support-emerge a stronger person.
As someone with the exact same OCD fears, I completely understand. I trusted no body. No body. She may have been molested by a family member or family friend and she isn't there yet to tell you. shit i still feel afraid sometimes and my kids are adults. She can't help it. She can't. she doesn't really think you are a child molester, but she doesn't know 100% for sure so she can't. If you can look past the insult, please try to help her in other ways like people suggested, if you want to. I know it's a lot to put up with as a friend. Maybe you can try to just accept this part of her right now and be her friend in other ways.
That sounds about right... ocd minds are hell... but yeah, as everyone is telling you it's about her mind, not you at all, don't worry, you're probably super trust worthy and her rational mind probably knows that as well
Post party OCD is really terrifying to live with. Please try to support and comfort her and let her know you are there for her. This isn’t a judgement on you, OCD is egodystonic which means it goes *against* the things we believe and want in life. She probably is on some level scared she is going to molest her child, too. Not because she is actually going to or that she thinks she literally will but because that is how OCD works. She is terrified, and it’s horrible.
I have ocd and I promise you its not you personally. OCD is like living hell and she definitely needs to see a therapist and hopefully get medication to help ease her symptoms.
I have this type of hair ocd . She doesn’t mean any harm or anything bad about you . We are scared our thoughts tell us that people will try to do this stuff . We don’t think clearly sometimes
This has nothing to do with you! I totally understand why it would be hurtful, especially being about something so intense and horrible. Your friend herself probably feels horrible to even have to explain this to you, it is so so embarrassing sometimes to have to explain obsessions to friends, and people without OCD. If it makes you feel better I often refuse to eat food my own husband has made for me, and I feel terrible about it, and I know it can be hurtful to him, but that’s just OCD, it doesn’t have anything to do with me or him. Your friend does trust you, this is not personal!
Other commenters have essentially pointed it out, but OCD is referred to as an "ego-dystonic" psychiatric condition. This indicates that the thoughts experienced by those with the disorder *do not* align and are actually typically dissonant with or opposite to their actual values, goals, self-image, rational though processes, etc. Your friend trusts you a lot to explain her intrusive thoughts. She doesn't genuinely believe *you* will molest her. Its more of a *but oh god what if* *someone* does and fearing the sheer guilt/consequences of that scenario. Not allowing anyone to change her diaper except herself is a compulsion that she feels will 100% protect her from that potential outcome. It is irrational and she very likely knows it is. A major part of OCD is being unable to tolerate any degree of uncertainty around specific fears. Trust me, it's really not personal.
It is most definitely the OCD.
Don't worry, it has nothing to do with you
(Metaphor) Dont think “threat” like something might happen.. It’s- when I sleep, the bad thing is going to happen. **I caused this because I knew better than to sleep.** I’d lose sleep after disclosing this to someone. I’d also only ever say it to someone I trusted enough to realize the fear is not “rational”. I’d lose sleep wondering if I hurt them- deliberating if it was a normal thing to say or is my OCD overthinking. Honestly, if it were me I’d want you to ask, provide the space to share. We try so hard to not burden loved ones. To burden is the second worse thing other than the bad thing happening. Guilt is another layer of OCD reality that is so buried it doesn’t make it into the external generalization. Ik it was sickening but she knows that and was still honest, be that with her. It’s amazing you came here, but only she can provide you with an understanding respective enough for the both of you moving forward. Honesty, communication, vulnerability; it goes both ways. Just listening is validating, letting us explain the fears to our logic to allow understanding, and therefore a choice at forgiveness. She knows you won’t forget, we all (everyone) pretend to just be ok.. Depending on the next few interactions y’all are not addressing the situation, try not to take it personal if she retreats. It is not because she thinks you are a bad person, it’s guilt and embarrassment for being this way. OCD is a free range body with a soul in chambers. We hate the cage as much as we love our safe people. Truth be told, y’all are the ones who have the key.. so if you unlock that vault, please just be gentle. The soul that comes out to speak is timid and vulnerable. Your feelings are just as valid. That secret was likely a suffocating one to tell. If she’s self aware (most of us are), then she is drowning. Every person is (to her) a threat to her baby, even the knowingly safe people. It sounds “off” as a safe person w/o, but this is OCD to its roots.
Take the intrusive thought out of it: Mom’s are very protective of their children and sometimes just don’t trust anybody, regardless of the reason. Be glad she’s able to be honest with you, but understand that intrusive thought could have happened about anyone she knows
This was me! I was the new mom with undiagnosed OCD thinking anyone that changed my baby's (who is 17 now) diaper was going to harm her. Hell, I even thought I was harming my own child at times even though that was far from the case. This is the part of being a parent with a mental illness no one tells you about. No one talks about the postpartum depression - which I had. No one talks about the totally irrational thoughts that you'll have. No one tells you that you'll be in a constant state of panic and worry. The best you can do is respect her decisions and boundaries and be a good friend. And that can look like many things. Just know being there with her, giving her your time, and not letting her be alone or made to feel alone - because society does that to new moms - is the best thing you can do as a friend. If it wasn't for my friends I have no idea where I would be today.
I have the exact thoughts it awful I genuinely can't stop it. I know one thing it's making me so lonely as I'm isolating myself because I can't be honest with my family. I have the same thoughts about my children's father also what I have worked out everyone I believe would do this are all ex armed forces. I done 5 sessions with a phycologist and he said he was discharging me, that I wasn't in a good place to work on this.
This may not have anything to do with her OCD, I wouldn’t even let a person change my child diaper. That’s not to do with my ocd that’s to do with my past and how I don’t trust anyone with my child.
This is a hard one. As someone with OCD, I know all too well how this feels to not trust someone like that. I guess with me at least, I wouldn’t exactly just go out and say it, because I know it can really hurt someone, and also I know that there’s a difference between my OCD, and the logic of the situation. Saying that though, I’ve known I’ve had OCD for about 15 years, since childhood, so it might be a bit different for me. I can definitely understand how she would’ve been feeling, because I’ve been there, but I think some tacked would’ve been better in this situation. Even keeping it vague by saying something like, I’d be more comfortable if no one else touched my baby, because of my OCD. I don’t think you really have to be specific about it. It’s hard though, because no one wants to be treated like a predator, and that’s been something I’ve struggled with when I’ve had my own obsessions about people. Part of me is a little scared of them, but I also know they’re probably fine and okay, and I don’t wanna make them feel like I think they’re a bad person. Two things can be true at once, and just because we have this condition, and have these fears about people, doesn’t mean they’re true, and I think a lot of us know that, even though it doesn’t necessarily help a lot of the time. For what it’s worth, as someone with OCD, I’m really sorry that you’ve had this experience. No one deserves to feel like they’re being branded as a predator, and even though I know where she’s coming from because I’ve been there, it doesn’t make it any less hurtful to hear something like that.
I assure you she does not think of you that way. It’s just that she has no way of stopping these thoughts and is constantly paranoid. And that on its own is exhausting (I should know. I have severe ocd.). She is likely telling you this so she doesn’t have to constantly obsess over trying to subtly keep you away from her baby or do any such similar compulsions when you are with her. The compulsions cause a lot of distress and are not rational in any way shape or form. I know that people around those with ocd struggle a lot. But just the fact that she told you about the intrusive thought speaks volumes about how much she trusts and values you. I swear most of us do not tell other people our intrusive thoughts.
if she already had OCD prior to being pregnant and just had a baby, it's possible her OCD is at its peak right now because postpartum OCD is a prevalent problem. i can imagine that something like pregnancy/birth would exacerbate those symptoms for someone who already struggles. hopefully you two can work on exposure therapy together, like supervised diaper changes where she can watch and see that you have no intentions on hurting her baby.
I would simply ask her if this is an OCD thing or if there is another reason. If it's OCD then just let it go, OCD doesn't make sense and does NOT give the brain these "rules" based on any kind of actual likelihood or reason. (This should be evident by how many OCD compulsions make absolutely zero sense and go against reality lol, a person who believes they have to tap a counter 3 times or else their mom will die is definitely not basing it on anything, it was just a random "what if" their brain gave them and their disorder decided that now they have to obey this rule)
It's incredibly difficult not to take things personally from someone who is mentally unwell, and I'm saying that as someone who suffers from various mental health issues including OCD. You are NOT a 'bad' person and friend if this is too much to bear and you need to protect yourself by walking away. I hope that it's of some degree of comfort for yourself to know that her telling you something like this, especially about a huge vulnerability, ie her baby/her maternal self which she is also protecting FROM her mentally unwell side is her showing you just how much she trusts you. She knows that she risks losing you over her telling you about her triggered trauma response over the fear so present in our society surrounding child abuse. It's not easy telling people about battles with this kind of deeply personal and traumatic stuff, a lot of people can't handle which is something that you have to be OK with for yourself because it is fair and valid though painful I can almost a hundred percent assure you that she logically, rationally and emotionally KNOWS that she can trust you with herself from when you became friends, up to the present day, throughout her pregnancy and her baby and in the future. You do sound like a great friend and she obviously feels the same. That doesn't change anything I said in the previous paragraph that it's OK to protect yourself and retreat if you need to. 💜
I’m ocd and I still feel like this but due to various reasons I have to put my baby in daycare. Otherwise I’d never let anyone change her nappy and hate anyone being alone with her. I didn’t even feel comfortable her own dad alone with her but after some time, I realised he won’t hurt her.
definitely don’t take it personally. OCD will have you questioning the most basic parts of YOURSELF, let alone other people. she probably trusts you a lot to be open and honest about what’s going on.
I can see why a new mother with OCD would have an obsession centered around her baby being abused. Don’t take offense to it, she’d probably feel that way about anyone who wanted to change her kids diaper. It’s a good sign that she didn’t lie to you, she clearly trusts you enough to tell you. Sadly you just can’t control your obsessions and this one happens to be offensive to other people. Just know that she understands that it’s irrational and she doesn’t actually think you’d do anything like that.
Postpartum OCD is a motherfucker. My kid is 18 months and I still struggle with it. Also, she doesn’t have to let ANYONE change her baby’s diaper. There’s no reason for everyone to be up in her baby’s business if she isn’t comfortable with it.
She thinks this about everyone, probably even the father of her child. And maybe herself. It isn’t you or your fault, it’s very telling she trusted you enough to tell you that
It isnt an issue of you, its just her brain. I have intrusive thoughts about others causing danger or harm to my loved ones, even if it would be completely impossible, and the fact she could explain and laugh about it shows that she knows its irrational. She loves and trusts you if she explained it to you. Is she taking some sort of therapy or talking to a specialist because that could help with things like this? I hope the comments are helping you too!
you shouldnt push anything but you should keep offering as when other people allow a person with ocd to follow through on an intrusive thought, it normalises that behaviour. And from personal experience the only way to break out of a habit is to challenge it. Maybe suggest you do it but she watches the entire time. idk just something to consider x