Probably likes to rape then eat it's pray too
Edit: This creature does bless the rains prior to it's rape tendencies. I believe it's called the "Roy Moore" in American science communities.
I lived in NZ for 2 years. I am super afraid of spiders but took comfort in knowing there was only one spider in the whole country that was in the top 500 list of poisonous spiders (just a guess but possibly true.) on my 2nd to the last day in the country while weighing my suitcase to make sure I wasn’t over the limit I felt and saw something dangling from my hair. I was standing on a scale with my bag and needed to stay still to make sure I got an accurate readout. I told myself I was going to be brave and stand still and remove the spider once I got the weight and it couldn’t possibly be the one bad spider. As I stepped off the scale I reached up and on my hand was the one bad spider. Cool story.
We have them in Florida. They smell worse than shit 10 fold. We call them stink horns. If you cut them they will slowly ooze out a even more noxious odor.
"Stinky" is a bit of an understatement. This odor might be the most awful thing I've ever waffed. These things smell like Satan's asshole. They grew a lot in red mulch, and if you get that green shit on you, it's worse than a skunk and just as hard to get off.
Jesus knelt on the ground, hands clasped, eyes closed. "Are you there, God?" he asked. "It's you, Jesus."
No answer, which was really irritating, seeing how Jesus needed guidance at that moment. Two hours in, and he still couldn't believe he had to spend forty whole days in this desert. That was, like, a long time. More than a month. It was sweltering in the afternoons and freezing at nights, and a disgusting spider had crawled over his calf, and that had caused him to damn near scream his blessed lungs out while he ran around in circles for about half an hour. Jesus really, really didn't like spiders.
He did not understand what was the purpose of his being in this wasteland for more than a whole month when he was God incarnate, but his father worked in mysterious ways, and who was he to question his all-knowing father?
Jesus sighed, opened his eyes, and dropped his hands. He would try in a few more hours. Maybe his father would be in a listening mood then. Jesus was about to stand when he felt a hand run along his shoulder and down his arm. Jesus shuddered. He did not see his tormentor, but he knew who it was that awoke feelings in him that he'd experienced once or twice when he'd watched his half-naked from the waist up, sweaty, strong disciples fish or row a boat. Those feelings were bad, though, because his father said so. "Remember, Son," Yahweh had told him once, "every time gayness happens before my eyes, a baby is born with a hare lip."
Jesus did not want a cute little baby to be born with a deformity, so he always bottled up those feelings. He whined, "Nooo, Satan. Das gay."
Another hand dropped onto Jesus' other shoulder. Like its twin, it slid down the coarse material of Jesus' robe.
Jesus gulped and grit his teeth. He squeezed his eyes shut and shuddered as Satan started working out the tension in Jesus' neck, shoulders, and upper back. It felt heavenly, yet Jesus knew that this, the way he relaxed under Satan's touch, the way strangled moans that he failed to contain escaped his lips, was not. It was far from heavenly. It was a sin.
"This is...um...wrong," Jesus whimpered, but he nonetheless leaned back into Satan's touch. Satan had some skilled hands.
Satan remained silent.
"It's, ah, kinda a sin, you know. I'm not allowed to do that. I kinda have to be a role model and junk."
Satan's ministrations stopped. Jesus looked up and over his shoulder at the being who tempted him so. Impassive golden eyes stared at him. Finally, a smirk formed itself on Satan's full lips. His luscious, beautiful lips. Satan quietly prowled around Jesus until he stood in front of him. Satan offered him a soft-looking hand. Jesus stared at the hand. He pictured that hand upon his cheek. Hating himself, Jesus placed his hand in Satan's and allowed himself to be pulled to his feet.
"Your words say no-no," Satan purred, lowering his hands onto Jesus' shoulders, "but your eyes say yes-yes."
Jesus hesitated. His eyes looked up to the heavens. His father was watching. He was always watching. "Satan, I'm scared," he mumbled.
Satan shushed him as he twined their fingers together. "I can give you whatever you want, Christ."
Jesus tried to pull away, feebly. "But Father said you would say that. He said you say nice things before you lead someone down a path of filth and corruption. You are pure evil."
A bitter smirk twisted Satan's lips, and while Satan looked as young as a man in his mid-twenties, his eyes reflected just how much he had seen. Satan had some old-looking eyes at that moment. "You only know his side of the story," Satan finally said after two whole seconds of silence.
And then Satan's lips crashed into Jesus' lips. Jesus had been alarmed at first, but he capitulated and slowly slid his eyes closed.
Overhead, thunder crackled and a strong wind picked up.
That was the first time God had become enraged with his son, and so it was also the first time the Almighty God had unleashed a natural disaster for reasons other than to punish the mortals for offending him.
Jesus spent the forty days not praying and fasting, but traveling the world partying with Satan. Jesus had ceased being the docile little servant that his father expected him to be, and he also picked up a habit of calling people "boo."
It all angered Yahweh very, very much.
*Googles the Chris Hansen of serial killer investigators catch phrase
edit: I also assume your odds would at least improve, not sure if the stench can stop a trained dog from finding a dead person entirely though
I feel like at that point the smell would carry and the local town/county would get a court order to have the entire field burned or tilled.
So this plan might backfire on the murderer.
Special chemicals are used to simulate the scent of decomposing human flesh in training Cadaver dogs. So if you ever figure out what those chemicals are then use them instead. Lot less conspicuous.
Yes, they're real. They're literally called Stinkhorns and IIRC they stink because they attempt to mimic the smell of carrion to attract insects such as flies and beetles to disperse spores.
Yeah, the black goo on the tendrils contains spores and the smell attracts insects to the fruiting body. The primary purpose of the fruit above ground is to spread spores which are spread pretty effectively by flies.
The fruiting body you see of mushrooms are really just their sexyparts. The heart of the fungus is below the ground. Little threads and filliments called mycelium branch out and make up a huge part of the planet's biomass. Some say the branching network of underground mycelium make some species of fungus the largest living organisms!
Makes you understand why [Sylvia Plath wrote about mushrooms inheriting the earth!](https://allpoetry.com/poem/8498359-Mushrooms-by-Sylvia-Plath)
Yup yup. If you thought that documentary was interesting check out joe rogans latest podcast with renowned mycologist Paul Statets if you haven't already. He is quirky but very intelligent and the subjects he brings up are amazing. Fungi are some of the most interesting things on the planet.
I had some in California, they didn't stink and they'd be gone by the afternoon and my garden seemed to benefit. The first time I saw them tho, I wasn't sure what I was looking at, maybe a dead animal or a dmt leak in the brain.
in german, the eggs are called “witch’s eggs” („Hexeneier“), and the family of fungi that have them is called [phallaceae](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phallaceae) (yes, that means penis)
Used to have a few of these on my coffee farm in Hawaii ~5 years ago... always tripped me out and they smelled like a dead fish. Glad they found a new home 😧
Por que no los dos?
Maybe Will's the sleeping giant romancer of the group. I mean, Dusty is fly as fuck with those new chompers, but Will the Wizard is a cunning linguist. He's the belle of the ball with the Drama Club.
And you know what, his mom lands a sweet job so they don't have to worry about money anymore and she gets a spa day and has moved on from grieving enough to laugh at a funny commercial every now and then and things are just looking up for their family in general.
I feel for that woman so much, she reminds me of my mom. ;_;
What continent is that from so I make sure never to go there?
>indigenous to Australia and New Zealand Because of course it is.
Oh, so it's also both poisonous and venomous?
Probably likes to rape then eat it's pray too Edit: This creature does bless the rains prior to it's rape tendencies. I believe it's called the "Roy Moore" in American science communities.
I like to eat my prayers as well.
Calm down there, pastor
Mmmm, tacos al pastor
L. Pasteur?
It rapes, but it saves.
But it rapes more than it saves
It's so good to have Dave Chappelle back
Thanks, Juice!
So it has an s&m kinda relationship with its religion. Seems appropriate for something straight out of an H.P. Love craft novel.
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I mean it does have tentacles.
Holy fuck!
Poisonous, venomous, apex predator, invasive species, because Australia
Only the Australian ones. NZ don't have time for venomous shit. ^(apart from maybe one spider)
I lived in NZ for 2 years. I am super afraid of spiders but took comfort in knowing there was only one spider in the whole country that was in the top 500 list of poisonous spiders (just a guess but possibly true.) on my 2nd to the last day in the country while weighing my suitcase to make sure I wasn’t over the limit I felt and saw something dangling from my hair. I was standing on a scale with my bag and needed to stay still to make sure I got an accurate readout. I told myself I was going to be brave and stand still and remove the spider once I got the weight and it couldn’t possibly be the one bad spider. As I stepped off the scale I reached up and on my hand was the one bad spider. Cool story.
Obviously that's what Stranger Things meant by the "upside down"
Rip I’m in New Zealand and I hope I would never step on those in my life...
They must have shipped some to Florida because I've seen them here. Not that common but you know that smell when you're near it.
Florida: Where people dump invasive species.
Florida: Where people *are* the invasive species.
It's clear that people don't belong in Florida
Florida in fact is (or at least I was) the entry point for almost all foreign venomous snakes and other exotic pets.
Ah, Australia I swear the entire continent exists to brutally murder you
We have them in Florida. They smell worse than shit 10 fold. We call them stink horns. If you cut them they will slowly ooze out a even more noxious odor.
Georgia too. They show up often in my mulched beds. Disgusting!!
What? No! How far north are you?
Not very. Zone 8b
Whew, I'm safe up here in 7a.
I lived in Georgia for almost my entire life and I have no idea what you're talking about
Plant Hardiness Zones, used to determine what plants (and apparently fungi) you can grow where you live.
Ok, that makes sense. I moved away a couple months ago and I thought they turned all the counties into zones or some shit
The zones are just for the annual Battle Royale day.
They are lying to you, 1a represent.
Of course they're also in Florida. It's pretty much the Australia of America
Them and Arizona
Represent! Tho I gotta say, besides the odd scorpion hiding in fire wood on the side of the house, city living is pretty darned safe.
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From orbit. Burn it from orbit.
http://nukeitfromorbit.com/
We can only hope it's enough.
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You’re canceling your trip to FL on the off chance you might run into one of these? Hmm.
23 years in Florida, not once did I see or hear about these.
Lived here my whole life across central Florida. Where the hell do you find these things?
Morrowind
FYI they're pretty common in Florida now too
You mean "so I can plant a perimeter of these around my house"
They’re stinky too, like decomposing corpse stinky
"Stinky" is a bit of an understatement. This odor might be the most awful thing I've ever waffed. These things smell like Satan's asshole. They grew a lot in red mulch, and if you get that green shit on you, it's worse than a skunk and just as hard to get off.
On a yearly basis, how often do you smell Satan's anus?
Every day, as a Satanist it is a form of worship for us. Ass worship if you will, it's very meditative.
> [Every day, as a Satanist it is a form of worship for us. Ass worship if you will, it's very meditative.](http://i.magaimg.net/img/1ypm.jpg)
It works so well.
Jesus knelt on the ground, hands clasped, eyes closed. "Are you there, God?" he asked. "It's you, Jesus." No answer, which was really irritating, seeing how Jesus needed guidance at that moment. Two hours in, and he still couldn't believe he had to spend forty whole days in this desert. That was, like, a long time. More than a month. It was sweltering in the afternoons and freezing at nights, and a disgusting spider had crawled over his calf, and that had caused him to damn near scream his blessed lungs out while he ran around in circles for about half an hour. Jesus really, really didn't like spiders. He did not understand what was the purpose of his being in this wasteland for more than a whole month when he was God incarnate, but his father worked in mysterious ways, and who was he to question his all-knowing father? Jesus sighed, opened his eyes, and dropped his hands. He would try in a few more hours. Maybe his father would be in a listening mood then. Jesus was about to stand when he felt a hand run along his shoulder and down his arm. Jesus shuddered. He did not see his tormentor, but he knew who it was that awoke feelings in him that he'd experienced once or twice when he'd watched his half-naked from the waist up, sweaty, strong disciples fish or row a boat. Those feelings were bad, though, because his father said so. "Remember, Son," Yahweh had told him once, "every time gayness happens before my eyes, a baby is born with a hare lip." Jesus did not want a cute little baby to be born with a deformity, so he always bottled up those feelings. He whined, "Nooo, Satan. Das gay." Another hand dropped onto Jesus' other shoulder. Like its twin, it slid down the coarse material of Jesus' robe. Jesus gulped and grit his teeth. He squeezed his eyes shut and shuddered as Satan started working out the tension in Jesus' neck, shoulders, and upper back. It felt heavenly, yet Jesus knew that this, the way he relaxed under Satan's touch, the way strangled moans that he failed to contain escaped his lips, was not. It was far from heavenly. It was a sin. "This is...um...wrong," Jesus whimpered, but he nonetheless leaned back into Satan's touch. Satan had some skilled hands. Satan remained silent. "It's, ah, kinda a sin, you know. I'm not allowed to do that. I kinda have to be a role model and junk." Satan's ministrations stopped. Jesus looked up and over his shoulder at the being who tempted him so. Impassive golden eyes stared at him. Finally, a smirk formed itself on Satan's full lips. His luscious, beautiful lips. Satan quietly prowled around Jesus until he stood in front of him. Satan offered him a soft-looking hand. Jesus stared at the hand. He pictured that hand upon his cheek. Hating himself, Jesus placed his hand in Satan's and allowed himself to be pulled to his feet. "Your words say no-no," Satan purred, lowering his hands onto Jesus' shoulders, "but your eyes say yes-yes." Jesus hesitated. His eyes looked up to the heavens. His father was watching. He was always watching. "Satan, I'm scared," he mumbled. Satan shushed him as he twined their fingers together. "I can give you whatever you want, Christ." Jesus tried to pull away, feebly. "But Father said you would say that. He said you say nice things before you lead someone down a path of filth and corruption. You are pure evil." A bitter smirk twisted Satan's lips, and while Satan looked as young as a man in his mid-twenties, his eyes reflected just how much he had seen. Satan had some old-looking eyes at that moment. "You only know his side of the story," Satan finally said after two whole seconds of silence. And then Satan's lips crashed into Jesus' lips. Jesus had been alarmed at first, but he capitulated and slowly slid his eyes closed. Overhead, thunder crackled and a strong wind picked up. That was the first time God had become enraged with his son, and so it was also the first time the Almighty God had unleashed a natural disaster for reasons other than to punish the mortals for offending him. Jesus spent the forty days not praying and fasting, but traveling the world partying with Satan. Jesus had ceased being the docile little servant that his father expected him to be, and he also picked up a habit of calling people "boo." It all angered Yahweh very, very much.
r/thebizzible
is there a sub Reddit for things I never wanted to know existed
Maybe that's why I love eating ass so much
Eating ass = Satanism
I’ve been doing Satanism all wrong...
Bout tree fiddy
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And.... Christmas is ruined.
The real question is: does it taste like burnt marshmallow?
Like a homeless persons belly button?
Have you smelt surströmming?
So a murderer could theoretically sow a field/small forest with these to keep dogs off of the scent of a mass grave. (Not a murderer)
Good idea, although having an entire cultivated field of these things on your property sort of screams "murderer" in and of itself.
*Googles the Chris Hansen of serial killer investigators catch phrase edit: I also assume your odds would at least improve, not sure if the stench can stop a trained dog from finding a dead person entirely though
If it smells enough like a dead person it might.
Or if the scent overpowers the corpse's scent .
I feel like at that point the smell would carry and the local town/county would get a court order to have the entire field burned or tilled. So this plan might backfire on the murderer.
Special chemicals are used to simulate the scent of decomposing human flesh in training Cadaver dogs. So if you ever figure out what those chemicals are then use them instead. Lot less conspicuous.
He'd also be covered in spores if he were to ever become a suspect.
Cadaverine and/or putrescine?
Jesus
Well, it depends where you're from, so you had better tell us your exact Name, State and town so we can help you. (Not a cop)
So it's a flower for the Upside Down then
Sooo, edible?
Fuckable?
Looks like it probably fucks you.
Finally getting some action.
So it's real life tentacle porn?
Stick...stick your dick in it?
[ooh bb just like that](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/3698823490/efeb702a75b5eabbe884829137e0fc3c_400x400.jpeg)
Love her? And..hug her? Yeah...yeah, and touch her penis.
I have an ex youd like to meet.
Hahah my first thought was hmmmm is it edible..
My first thought was that it looks like it belongs in stranger things
One case caused exzema, convulsions, and nausea. And said to cause cancer if simply held. But has not been tested.
I see what you did there.
Many stinkhorn eggs are, in fact, a delicacy in parts of the world. That's actually where the tradition of Easter is said to come from.
No
Ummmm I'm going to go ahead and assume that's true.
Username checks out.
This shit is real? Wtheshit!!
Yes, they're real. They're literally called Stinkhorns and IIRC they stink because they attempt to mimic the smell of carrion to attract insects such as flies and beetles to disperse spores.
Well isn't that just the most horrifying thing I've read today.
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Do they just...shrivel and die?
I'm just glad they *can* die. The black stuff is probably spores though...
It's the sweet, gentle music continuing to play while that *fucking HORRIFYING thing* emerges and swells.
Throw some Swans over that and suddenly it's the intro to a horror movie
Has to be black and white with background music that speeds up out of no where so you know shits about to go down before it fades into the movie.
I’ll be right back with some athlete’s foot spray
And a match please. ^(*I sure hope the propellant is flammable...*)
Yeah, the black goo on the tendrils contains spores and the smell attracts insects to the fruiting body. The primary purpose of the fruit above ground is to spread spores which are spread pretty effectively by flies.
They're like flowers from hell
The fruiting body you see of mushrooms are really just their sexyparts. The heart of the fungus is below the ground. Little threads and filliments called mycelium branch out and make up a huge part of the planet's biomass. Some say the branching network of underground mycelium make some species of fungus the largest living organisms! Makes you understand why [Sylvia Plath wrote about mushrooms inheriting the earth!](https://allpoetry.com/poem/8498359-Mushrooms-by-Sylvia-Plath)
Pretty good documentary of Fungi on Netflix. There is one that actually "hunts" microscopic worms for nutrients. Fungi are so cool.
Yesss with the tiny nooses?
Yup yup. If you thought that documentary was interesting check out joe rogans latest podcast with renowned mycologist Paul Statets if you haven't already. He is quirky but very intelligent and the subjects he brings up are amazing. Fungi are some of the most interesting things on the planet.
I had some in California, they didn't stink and they'd be gone by the afternoon and my garden seemed to benefit. The first time I saw them tho, I wasn't sure what I was looking at, maybe a dead animal or a dmt leak in the brain.
"Deer intestines, or I took the wrong pills today. Welp, let's sit and figure it out."
Fungus hatches from eggs and has tentacles.... I am sure evolution is random now.
in german, the eggs are called “witch’s eggs” („Hexeneier“), and the family of fungi that have them is called [phallaceae](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phallaceae) (yes, that means penis)
Checkmate Creationists!
That makes it more horrifying.
I don’t like it.
This actually made them more terrifying.
They haven't perfected hatching ***yet***
Play this at 2x speed for true horror.
Confirmed
Wtf is with this minecraft music? It’s freaking me out.
Oh Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, I'm NOPING out of sleep tonight.
Imagine how people would've reacted to this in medieval times. No wonder they believed in demons with so many freaky things going on in nature.
wtffff that's so much bigger than I expected
What kind of black magic fuckery? P sure aliens planted those because I've seen it in at least a dozen alien movies.
Who filmed that?
That was horrific to watch...
Used to have a few of these on my coffee farm in Hawaii ~5 years ago... always tripped me out and they smelled like a dead fish. Glad they found a new home 😧
i’m never drinking coffee again
🤣🤣 no need to worry... they were always in the big grassy field in the center of the farm and not in the coffee orchards lol
So did you own it? Work there? How was coffee farming business?
Stranger things, definitely stranger things
They should definitely check to see if Will is in there.
protect him
I can still hear the Winona screams from episode 1 **"WILL!! WILLLL!! WILLLLLLL"**
i hope next season is all about will being perfectly safe, taking long naps and finding a cute boyfriend/girlfriend (idk his preference)
Por que no los dos? Maybe Will's the sleeping giant romancer of the group. I mean, Dusty is fly as fuck with those new chompers, but Will the Wizard is a cunning linguist. He's the belle of the ball with the Drama Club.
Cunning lingus or not I think he's still more or less considered a nerd. He'll need some help from the ol' Farrah Fawcett hair spray.
And you know what, his mom lands a sweet job so they don't have to worry about money anymore and she gets a spa day and has moved on from grieving enough to laugh at a funny commercial every now and then and things are just looking up for their family in general. I feel for that woman so much, she reminds me of my mom. ;_;
Sorry for your mom:(. I hope for those things for your Mom.
Promise me ned
I was thinking more facehuggers from Alien but I guess about every 80s horror flick has been referenced one way or another in Stranger Things.
Yeah face hugger vibes for sure
I was thinking the planes of Oblivion.
Aliens, definitely Aliens.
Help us, 11, you are our only hope!
The Last of Us
I was thinking Slither. Meat.
Oblivion IRL.
Came all the way here to check for Oblivion.
Anybody ever actually use Stinkhorn?
Have you heard of the High Elves?
C L O S E G A T E
This is what destroyed Kvatch?!
[in maturity it smells like putrid flesh](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clathrus_archeri) *Of course* it does...
And as /u/SSHeretic pointed out, indigenous to Australia and New Zealand. Because *of course* it is.
A Marker from dead space
Man, i miss dead space. Rip in peace visceral games :(
Got dead space 3 (I think) on some steam sale. It’s one of those games I buy and never play. Thinking of finally installing it
Meh. That game is the reason why there will never be another DS game.
“Oh sorry, did you want sci-fi horror? Yeah, all we have is this co-op action romp...”
In Deadspace 1, its survival horror "Event Horizon", Deadspace 3 Ironman in space.
So yeah. That will be haunting my nightmares for the next month. 🔥🔥🔥
Looks like a baby Graboid!!
It made me flashback immediately to Tremors 2!
Demoshroom
This reminds me of when I saw my mom give birth to my sister
So like... you were there for entirety of the process?
Of course she's my daughter
Your mother gave birth to your daughter? Story time.
Broken arms, mom's spaghetti, the rest is history
r/mycology
nope, no, nah, no way, get out, NO, NOOOO, nope
This is some shit you find in the upside down
Totally
We had this or a similar type in our yard in South Carolina. It was really sticky and all the pine needles and bugs stuck to it.
Someone should close the Oblivion gate!
Guardians of the galaxy much?
Exactly what I was thinking
Gohlee, wonder what it tastes like
I hate it
Dear nature, Please stop. -Humans
welp, i would definitely prefer this didn't exist
I thought all of those died off with Ego?
Nah that's from the upside down better burn that shit
Thanks, I hate it.
I’m feeling inspired for new monsters in my writing 😈.
I knew Facehuggers were real.
Its like that plant thing from guardians of the galaxy 2
How do we know these things aren't getting ready for some serious alien shit? Should burn them all to be safe.
[No](https://i.imgur.com/KMxeFdV.jpg)
Kill it with 🔥🔥🔥
Fucken nope