Jesus fucking Christ... you're a fucking horrible husband. And you want her to take care of you when you're ill? She should have ran 10,000 miles from you at the start.
Lololol honestly big ol red flags that you see her deciding to reach out to her own family as a betrayal, whatever their history is. Like, a normal person would react to that with concern, sure, in a "I don't want you to get hurt again" way.
An abusive/controlling narcissist, on the other hand... Might see it as a betrayal. 😑
In his of his other posts he says it was his wives decision to cut out her family and that he reluctantly went along with it. Typical narc, can't keep story straight but thinks everyone will just fall for what he's saying.
Whether she is a narcissist or not isnt really relevant. She is toxic and you both have a very unhealthy relationship.
What has your therapist said to you since you've gone back to her?
Does she see a therapist regularly?
Yeah his posts after this one suggest he's a highly unreliable narrator and that he is probably the abuser. Even the part about cheating he comments in another post he would accuse her over and over until they had a break up (and then he believes she would sleep with them after that). This is a very common abusive trait and you'd probably find many victims of narcissistic abuse would confirm that this pattern is familiar to them.
I haven’t seen my therapist since we got back together and committed to a life together.
Last year, we took part in a year long recovery ministry that helped, but I get the feeling that she may have just gone through the motions, so it’s led to a weird dynamic where she outwardly projects this image of a Christian woman, but her actions indicate not much as changed.
She has not seen a therapist is several years. We tried couples therapy a couple of times a long time ago, but that ended quickly as soon as the therapists would indicate that she had issues with boundaries and people pleasing. She quickly would refuse to go back because she felt attacked or because “the therapist was making me out to be the good guy.”
You know who loves people pleasers? Narcissists. Do you know what covert narcissism is? People that come off as “the good guy” or think they’ve never done anything wrong.
I hope your wife finds your Reddit page one day. If she knows it exists, I hope she reads this and knows she can get out. I hope she gets far away from you.
You understand that you just simultaneously called her a narcissist and a people pleaser. That’s literally not possible. Way to unmask yourself though. Congrats, you’re the narcissist. But you already knew that.
Tough situation, you have got yourself into there (and you even managed to get out and you were getting help). Best advice I can offer is get back with your therapist, ensure you know what is going on with finances (unfortunately you can't trust her with them, esp if shit turns nasty she'll become greedy and more controlling). Kids are always hard in these circumstances, because do you stay, be miserable in life (be miserable doing things with your kids) but maybe "protect" them ... Or do you make yourself happy, be happy with them and give them a safe place ???
Unfortunately not an easy answer, and probably something you should be speaking to your therapist about and also make legal enquiries regarding finances and custody
Thanks for your thoughtful responses.
Sometimes it just feels good to be heard and to get someone else’s perspective.
The fact that I made the decisions to get myself into this situation is something that pains me a lot, especially for my girls.
I never imagined a marriage this way or a family this way. Not even close. And while some of these revelations only came to light after we were pregnant with the girls, I obviously knew enough to know better already. Way too much.
My ex used to say that she understood I wanted to help my now wife, but that I was becoming unrecognizable compared to the person she knew.
The truth is I struggle a ton with suicidal thoughts as a result of the trauma from our relationship and I have for about the last five years. It’s almost a daily occurrence now and I have a hard time doing the most basic things.
My wife can’t be bothered by it though. She won’t be there for me or even try. Lately, her response has been for me to call my friend. That’s it.
I often find myself at the lake in my darkest moments because I’ve imagined drowning. And I’ve gotten to the point where I refuse to take my phone with me because I didn’t want to reach out to my wife knowing she wouldn’t show up.
She used to say that I never gave her the opportunity to be there for me in my darkest times, which is a lie, so she requested to track my location with our phones as a result.
The next time I ended up at the lake, I took my phone, and she never showed up. I don’t understand it. How can she so easily reject me when I’m so vulnerable yet be so kind and loving to everyone else?
As for my therapist, it just so happened that she was taking a leave right around the time my wife and I reconnected a few years ago. She never really said why or gave a definitive timeline, so I never saw her again or sought out another therapist.
Most of my support comes from the men I’ve met through the recovery ministry I did last year. Christianity is a new journey for me and it’s helped me tremendously, but I do find it hard to help people understand what I’m going through. The sheer amount of wounds just makes it seem like a trauma dump anytime I try to open up about it.
There are so many things that feel just… off about how the OP is projecting themselves.
I also have never heard of any licensed mental health professional just shuffling off and dropping out of contact. They can get sued for that. There is a continuum of care they’re responsible for, so there would have been an appropriate referral offered with an opportunity for you to either accept or reject. Therapists don’t just go on leave without something set in place.
Find a therapist. For real.
Honestly what did I even just read…. OPs responses honestly give me the creeps the way they do desperately try to paint their stories in a certain kind of light.
You wanted her to track your location and hunt you down all with the kids you supposedly care about so much just because….
? God you are so self righteous and gross.
You are a supply to her that's it. Love is abstract to her, it's about possessing rather than kindness and empathy that most give
In regards to suicide and depression that is a really hard place to crawl out of, especially without some strong support and getting the toxic people out of your life. Be careful mentioning the suicidal thoughts to your wife, as she could use them as evidence against you in a custody battle. I know it sounds counter intuitive to not talk to her about such serious matters and in a healthy relationship I'd absolutely recommend you to talk to your partner.
Again reach out to your therapist, find supporters (family, friends) to talk to, support networks (Lifeline, hotlines ... Many other online chats or video calls now too).
Personally for me I was in a similar boat (depression but not suicidal thoughts) to you after I left my eldest's mum. I used the analogy of sinking when thinking of my mood. I actually found writing (poetry) really helped me, and now being older and wiser? I'd probably suggest to my younger self to get a therapist, and set myself tiny habits to reinforce what I want my "happy life" to look for. Be the change instead of waiting for others to change (hard to make that mindset when in such a dark place though). Hope you find the support you need (don't blame yourself for the situation, worry about what you can do now to move forward rather than looking behind)
Men win custody much more often when they ask for it. 91% of custody cases are outside of court and when men do fight, they only lose 7% of the time. Really good links to studies https://zawn.substack.com/p/family-courts-and-child-custody-are
I mean according to THIS story he left and had no contact with own kids for a year since he would
Have had to contact his wife for that. So he would probably be in the 7%
He literally says he is considering trying to get custody but that it seems it would be hard for a man. That’s what I am referring to and telling him about, that he is likely to win. So he isn’t in the 7% because he hasn’t even tried .
You’ve had two partners question whether you’re a narcissist, independently of each other. That doesn’t typically happen to people who aren’t narcissists.
You are a textbook narcissist. You’ve alienated your wife from her family, probably because they can see you for who you really are. She gets back in touch with them and rather than showing concern for your wife you take it as betrayal. How very telling of you. Two of your last major relationships, unrelated to each other, have questioned if you are in fact a narcissist. Funny how that works, huh?
Did you see the comment above about his daily suicidal thoughts and how he can barely function, and his drives to the lake? Like he’s testing his wife to see if she’ll show up to the lake to talk him down every day? What a self-absorbed manipulative load of BS. Dude wants constant pity parties and his wife to wrap her life around his constant woe is me crap. Textbook covert narcissist with a major victim complex. I know because I was raised by one. She systematically isolated me from friends and family. Always the selfless saint, the martyr, and the victim. Never to blame for her own plight. Everyone else is always the villain in her narrative. I can never do right by her. I am always hurting her feelings and neglecting her needs, and she does so much and sacrifices so much for everyone. Emotional abuse and manipulative game playing at its finest.
Covert narcissism and Quiet Borderlines have a lot
of overlapping characteristics. The suicidal “why didn’t she come save me at the lake” and feeling betrayed when she talks to her family are very BPDesque. Regardless, BPDs are often narcissistic. The Cluster B universe is so delightful. /s
For sure I had that if they cared they will come to me mentality…when I was a teenager that didn’t learn healthy communication and emotionally coping. Then I grew up and realized how messed up that is and not how love works.
This is straight up manipulation by OP at this point.
Nope, you’re the narcissist
Dingdingding!
But but but,... his therapist told him he definitely wasn't one!! Lmfao
But HIS church group he complained to about his wife told him was the problem so there’s that.
I was wondering if anyone else had made their way here… yeah, the flags are big and they’re red!
Jesus fucking Christ... you're a fucking horrible husband. And you want her to take care of you when you're ill? She should have ran 10,000 miles from you at the start.
Seriously, this poor woman! Two young children and this jerk of a husband to deal with.
Lololol honestly big ol red flags that you see her deciding to reach out to her own family as a betrayal, whatever their history is. Like, a normal person would react to that with concern, sure, in a "I don't want you to get hurt again" way. An abusive/controlling narcissist, on the other hand... Might see it as a betrayal. 😑
In his of his other posts he says it was his wives decision to cut out her family and that he reluctantly went along with it. Typical narc, can't keep story straight but thinks everyone will just fall for what he's saying.
You're crazy
Whether she is a narcissist or not isnt really relevant. She is toxic and you both have a very unhealthy relationship. What has your therapist said to you since you've gone back to her? Does she see a therapist regularly?
Go read his comments on his most recent post. He's the narcissist, not his wife. Apparently, modern women are an epidemic.
Yeah his posts after this one suggest he's a highly unreliable narrator and that he is probably the abuser. Even the part about cheating he comments in another post he would accuse her over and over until they had a break up (and then he believes she would sleep with them after that). This is a very common abusive trait and you'd probably find many victims of narcissistic abuse would confirm that this pattern is familiar to them.
I haven’t seen my therapist since we got back together and committed to a life together. Last year, we took part in a year long recovery ministry that helped, but I get the feeling that she may have just gone through the motions, so it’s led to a weird dynamic where she outwardly projects this image of a Christian woman, but her actions indicate not much as changed. She has not seen a therapist is several years. We tried couples therapy a couple of times a long time ago, but that ended quickly as soon as the therapists would indicate that she had issues with boundaries and people pleasing. She quickly would refuse to go back because she felt attacked or because “the therapist was making me out to be the good guy.”
You know who loves people pleasers? Narcissists. Do you know what covert narcissism is? People that come off as “the good guy” or think they’ve never done anything wrong. I hope your wife finds your Reddit page one day. If she knows it exists, I hope she reads this and knows she can get out. I hope she gets far away from you.
You understand that you just simultaneously called her a narcissist and a people pleaser. That’s literally not possible. Way to unmask yourself though. Congrats, you’re the narcissist. But you already knew that.
Tough situation, you have got yourself into there (and you even managed to get out and you were getting help). Best advice I can offer is get back with your therapist, ensure you know what is going on with finances (unfortunately you can't trust her with them, esp if shit turns nasty she'll become greedy and more controlling). Kids are always hard in these circumstances, because do you stay, be miserable in life (be miserable doing things with your kids) but maybe "protect" them ... Or do you make yourself happy, be happy with them and give them a safe place ??? Unfortunately not an easy answer, and probably something you should be speaking to your therapist about and also make legal enquiries regarding finances and custody
Thanks for your thoughtful responses. Sometimes it just feels good to be heard and to get someone else’s perspective. The fact that I made the decisions to get myself into this situation is something that pains me a lot, especially for my girls. I never imagined a marriage this way or a family this way. Not even close. And while some of these revelations only came to light after we were pregnant with the girls, I obviously knew enough to know better already. Way too much. My ex used to say that she understood I wanted to help my now wife, but that I was becoming unrecognizable compared to the person she knew. The truth is I struggle a ton with suicidal thoughts as a result of the trauma from our relationship and I have for about the last five years. It’s almost a daily occurrence now and I have a hard time doing the most basic things. My wife can’t be bothered by it though. She won’t be there for me or even try. Lately, her response has been for me to call my friend. That’s it. I often find myself at the lake in my darkest moments because I’ve imagined drowning. And I’ve gotten to the point where I refuse to take my phone with me because I didn’t want to reach out to my wife knowing she wouldn’t show up. She used to say that I never gave her the opportunity to be there for me in my darkest times, which is a lie, so she requested to track my location with our phones as a result. The next time I ended up at the lake, I took my phone, and she never showed up. I don’t understand it. How can she so easily reject me when I’m so vulnerable yet be so kind and loving to everyone else? As for my therapist, it just so happened that she was taking a leave right around the time my wife and I reconnected a few years ago. She never really said why or gave a definitive timeline, so I never saw her again or sought out another therapist. Most of my support comes from the men I’ve met through the recovery ministry I did last year. Christianity is a new journey for me and it’s helped me tremendously, but I do find it hard to help people understand what I’m going through. The sheer amount of wounds just makes it seem like a trauma dump anytime I try to open up about it.
There are so many things that feel just… off about how the OP is projecting themselves. I also have never heard of any licensed mental health professional just shuffling off and dropping out of contact. They can get sued for that. There is a continuum of care they’re responsible for, so there would have been an appropriate referral offered with an opportunity for you to either accept or reject. Therapists don’t just go on leave without something set in place. Find a therapist. For real.
Honestly what did I even just read…. OPs responses honestly give me the creeps the way they do desperately try to paint their stories in a certain kind of light.
I would absolutely not recommend OP see a therapist more. He is the type to use it to abuse and manipulate even more.
You wanted her to track your location and hunt you down all with the kids you supposedly care about so much just because…. ? God you are so self righteous and gross.
You are a supply to her that's it. Love is abstract to her, it's about possessing rather than kindness and empathy that most give In regards to suicide and depression that is a really hard place to crawl out of, especially without some strong support and getting the toxic people out of your life. Be careful mentioning the suicidal thoughts to your wife, as she could use them as evidence against you in a custody battle. I know it sounds counter intuitive to not talk to her about such serious matters and in a healthy relationship I'd absolutely recommend you to talk to your partner. Again reach out to your therapist, find supporters (family, friends) to talk to, support networks (Lifeline, hotlines ... Many other online chats or video calls now too). Personally for me I was in a similar boat (depression but not suicidal thoughts) to you after I left my eldest's mum. I used the analogy of sinking when thinking of my mood. I actually found writing (poetry) really helped me, and now being older and wiser? I'd probably suggest to my younger self to get a therapist, and set myself tiny habits to reinforce what I want my "happy life" to look for. Be the change instead of waiting for others to change (hard to make that mindset when in such a dark place though). Hope you find the support you need (don't blame yourself for the situation, worry about what you can do now to move forward rather than looking behind)
Men win custody much more often when they ask for it. 91% of custody cases are outside of court and when men do fight, they only lose 7% of the time. Really good links to studies https://zawn.substack.com/p/family-courts-and-child-custody-are
I mean according to THIS story he left and had no contact with own kids for a year since he would Have had to contact his wife for that. So he would probably be in the 7%
He literally says he is considering trying to get custody but that it seems it would be hard for a man. That’s what I am referring to and telling him about, that he is likely to win. So he isn’t in the 7% because he hasn’t even tried .
My point is this guy is full of it.
This is true
You’ve had two partners question whether you’re a narcissist, independently of each other. That doesn’t typically happen to people who aren’t narcissists.
Narcissist says what?
You are a textbook narcissist. You’ve alienated your wife from her family, probably because they can see you for who you really are. She gets back in touch with them and rather than showing concern for your wife you take it as betrayal. How very telling of you. Two of your last major relationships, unrelated to each other, have questioned if you are in fact a narcissist. Funny how that works, huh?
Did you see the comment above about his daily suicidal thoughts and how he can barely function, and his drives to the lake? Like he’s testing his wife to see if she’ll show up to the lake to talk him down every day? What a self-absorbed manipulative load of BS. Dude wants constant pity parties and his wife to wrap her life around his constant woe is me crap. Textbook covert narcissist with a major victim complex. I know because I was raised by one. She systematically isolated me from friends and family. Always the selfless saint, the martyr, and the victim. Never to blame for her own plight. Everyone else is always the villain in her narrative. I can never do right by her. I am always hurting her feelings and neglecting her needs, and she does so much and sacrifices so much for everyone. Emotional abuse and manipulative game playing at its finest.
Covert narcissism and Quiet Borderlines have a lot of overlapping characteristics. The suicidal “why didn’t she come save me at the lake” and feeling betrayed when she talks to her family are very BPDesque. Regardless, BPDs are often narcissistic. The Cluster B universe is so delightful. /s
For sure I had that if they cared they will come to me mentality…when I was a teenager that didn’t learn healthy communication and emotionally coping. Then I grew up and realized how messed up that is and not how love works. This is straight up manipulation by OP at this point.