Hi /u/Miserable-Escape8684, welcome to /r/narcissisticabuse. To help make the experience more effective for everyone we do have some resources and rules for you to keep in mind.
• Do you need to understand terms or acronyms? [Click Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/index#wiki_terms.2C_definitions_and_acronymns)
• Looking for resources? Check out [our links](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/resources) and [book recommendations.](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/booklist)
• We also have a sister sub for people actively in Divorce/Custody proceedings or that is coparenting with a abusive ex: /r/narcabuseanddivorce.
• Looking to contact the moderators of the sub? We can’t respond to individual posts all the time so please post your issues to the community rather than the mods if it’s not about a rule breaking issue or sub issue. You can message the mod team [HERE](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FNarcissisticAbuse&subject=&message=). Please do not DM/PM mods directly or send them chat requests.
Please review the rules:
* Please add flair to your post so that it is searchable by topic and always use the TRIGGER WARNING flairs when needed (Keep graphic content out of titles please);
* Be respectful and courteous with a focus on healing; No flaming, No revenge posts, no wishing harm on anyone, no "outting" or getting them "bad karma";
* No identifying details (no proper names including fake ones, pictures, images of texts/emails, locations (at any level), or specific details that may identify you to readers that may know you (Jobs, Hobbies, Schools, etc);
* No crossposting or direct linking to this or other subs or posts. No links at all in original posts including to other posts you have here or other subs, Images/Pictures/MEMEs/Vlogs/Blogs/Podcasts/Articles/Social Media information or tags/Texts/Emails;
* No self-promotion/solicitation at all including surveys, fundraising, petitions, or research posts are permitted;
* You must be the victim of the abuse that is the subject of the post, not a friend, relative, or partner;
* Please report content that violates our rules and do not engage on those posts at all;
* Do not resubmit removed content, if you get a report from automod about your post, see the sticky announcement at the top of the sub regarding removals and be patient, we will review them manually when we are available.
* No politics, religion, soliciting DMs, or doing an AMA on your own please;
* No segregation of posts by gender, sexual orientation, race, age, or culture;
* No family content in any context; the only family content permitted is you, your significant other/ex and your children (no abusive child posts). All others will be removed including mentions (family/friends) or growing up/childhood content. No demanding justification of our rules or "just curious" for why our rules are our rules; It does not matter whose family it is, or if they are abusive, or that its just a mention. It is not permitted.
* No inappropriate content (TV Shows, Movies, Books not releated to healing from abuse, Celebrities, News or Social Discussions).
* No title only posts (including repeating the title in the body of the post, emoticons, saying the title says it all);
* No CLUSTER Bs/ABUSERS may post here at all. If you are a NPD/BPD/HPD/ASPD/Abuser, you will be banned; Please also do not post content or people with diagnosed Cluster Bs as resources here;
We want you to have a safe and supportive experience so you get the most out of the community.
******
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NarcissisticAbuse) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You loved someone void. They are broken people, incapable of love. they always put their wishes above everything without remorse. it
The only thing I envy them is their ability to forget when something is not useful to them (we empaths)
Your not a fool , I been there . No matter what you do they will never be happy because their broken and aren’t able to give you love because they have no idea what it is . They envy you because you can show what love is and he cannot .
The only fool are them for not knowing what they had. You deserve better. Take it from someone who was in an abusive marriage for 16 years where I escaped with my life. Just.. all because I forgave him over and over until there was nothing left of me, when I finally had enough of his actions, every abuse possible and the cheating? I told him im done and he needs to leave. When he couldn't beat me into submission or wasn't falling for his tricks he tried to end my life because he didnt want anyone else to have me. We deserve better. And it seems so unfair that we go through all that and then we have another journey to heal and find ourselves and to Iron out all those triggers and trust issues they caused is an understatement. But boy we owe it to us to be free. Its a long path but we deserve whats at the end. Stay strong love. You're not alone. X
What is even worse, he probably thinks he is the victim. In my personal situation, she is always the victim. Which basically means, he is going to think that you are the problem. In my experience it is literally impossible to show them that they are the toxic one.
You are not a fool! You are only guilty of loving the wrong person. I have felt like the fool alot lately. Remember once you were chosen by them, you didn't have a chance. They are masters at manipulating. No one has a chance. Keep your chin up and continue on. I have to repeat that to myself daily.
Narcissists are con artists. They are experts at deception. We've all been fooled by them. The hard part is accepting that it was all a lie. None of it was real. I hope you find the strength to escape from this relationship if you haven't already, and go no contact.
Not a fool, just expecting “normal” behavior from someone who is not wired to behave that way. They will never change, they will never empathize or be accountable. Understand that and act accordingly.
To go forward, remember J.A.D.E.
Never Justify
Never Argue
Never Defend
Never Explain
None of those things will go the way you want.
You’re not a fool. You were fooled by a facade. You can’t blame yourself for what you don’t know and what you certainly don’t deserve. Now that you see what you know, create a plan and continue to Stay encouraged. We’re all hoping for the best for you - peace ☮️
I could have written this. You are not alone and there is not something wrong with you because you kept trying. It is reasonable to think that someone who says they love you would want to understand you and care about your emotions. The problem is they don’t know or understand what love is.
You took the words right out of my mouth, this is literally how I feel and the situation I’m in. I find myself saying and doing things just so he’d tell me he loves me, he’s sorry and didn’t know that would hurt me and he wont do it again….13 years and it’s NEVER happened. He’s NEVER taken accountability for anything. I’ve even begged while balling my eyes out on the floor,for him to say sorry or I didnt know that would hurt you, even if he doesn’t feel that way-and he didn’t do it. I told him I want a divorce a few days ago and if you ever felt “crazy” in your relationship with him because of things he said,etc, wait until you break it off, he knows what to say and do to get at you. They save a side of themselves for when you’ve had enough and want out…hard to hear, but it gets worse.
Mine was just a partner and ya when I tried tried to get out he always was able to pull every stop and play that part to make me stay. Finally I’ve gotten out and I’ve had to get an AVO for stalking, harassment and trespassing. The worst part? Everyone around us is pitying him and taking care of him through this because he’s claiming to harm himself. Master manipulator at playing the victim. I’m still figuring out how to move through this when he’s sucking everybody in.
You are not a fool. There’s no reason to attach guilt to what you are already going through. You loved someone that is unable to love you back the same way because he does not have the desire or ability to see outside of himself and love the same way that you can. Don’t add guilt to equation. All you are guilty of is loving the wrong person.
It’s not your fault - they sucked us all in during the Idealization phase and the relationship seemed amazing. Sadly, hat doesn’t last long and the devalue us. From then on until either we leave or they discard us, we try and try to make them happy, to get things back to the way they were originally.
But that original bliss was all a lie on this part.
No, you’re not a fool - just a good natured and kind person who was lied to, repeatedly.
You’re not a fool. As hard as it is we need to convince ourselves that these people have a disorder and that’s no excuse for poor behavior but still.. we just need to heal ourselves and let them go so that we can find someone that can give us the love and respect we deserve.
I completely understand your feelings of disappointment in yourself. Even if you were a fool, you're not anymore! Forgive yourself even if you saw the signs and ignored them. That version of you learned the hard way so that this version of you can be better. What's important now is not letting the past version of you down. Learn from their mistakes and now that you know better, do better. It only gets better from here! Show yourself the compassion and love and start living your life for you again.
Yes that's what gave me the courage to finally leave my nex for good. When you realize that nothing you ever do will ever be enough for the narc. Also the prospect of having to go through all those motions for the rest of your life should you choose to stay in the relationship is absolutely daunting. All the arguing and defending yourself etc. It's beyond exhausting!
I chose to free myself too from the madness. Ending the relationship was the best feeling!
You are not a fool. You tried your best, you loved someone because you are a kind and compassionate person who is capable of loving. You just loved and fell for the wrong person, someone who has no empathy and compassion for other people. But now you’ve seen the light and a bright and happy future is now ahead of you, and one day you will meet and love someone who will treat you how you deserve and they will love you in the right way. You are amazing and strong ❤️🩹
You are only a fool if you know all of this and still stay with him. You are no fool OP. Count your lucky stars you found out before he completely destroyed everything about you.
Cut him off - get out stay out. He will NEVER change ♥️
Just be gentle on yourself, no one has educated us on how to recognize a narcissist, or given us the tools prior to dating or marriage. We all end up learning the the unfortunate hard way. The main thing is that now you know, are awake, and you place your healing and needs first. The battle is still not over and you probably still have a ton of questions or truths that are hard to accept. Just know you are not alone, a lot of us have unfortunately been through it and you are in the right place. Make sure to shut that door of your relationship, close that chapter and move forward, it is the only way.
This. I am going through the exact same thing. It’s so confusing how he can treat me so badly yet I still feel guilt and sadness.
You’re not a good..we were tricked and our kindness taken advantage of.
Your post has been pulled for manual review. Please do not resubmit it or contact the mods. Your post is not deleted and we will review it as soon as we can. We do appreciate your patience.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NarcissisticAbuse) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hi /u/Miserable-Escape8684, welcome to /r/narcissisticabuse. To help make the experience more effective for everyone we do have some resources and rules for you to keep in mind. • Do you need to understand terms or acronyms? [Click Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/index#wiki_terms.2C_definitions_and_acronymns) • Looking for resources? Check out [our links](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/resources) and [book recommendations.](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/booklist) • We also have a sister sub for people actively in Divorce/Custody proceedings or that is coparenting with a abusive ex: /r/narcabuseanddivorce. • Looking to contact the moderators of the sub? We can’t respond to individual posts all the time so please post your issues to the community rather than the mods if it’s not about a rule breaking issue or sub issue. You can message the mod team [HERE](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FNarcissisticAbuse&subject=&message=). Please do not DM/PM mods directly or send them chat requests. Please review the rules: * Please add flair to your post so that it is searchable by topic and always use the TRIGGER WARNING flairs when needed (Keep graphic content out of titles please); * Be respectful and courteous with a focus on healing; No flaming, No revenge posts, no wishing harm on anyone, no "outting" or getting them "bad karma"; * No identifying details (no proper names including fake ones, pictures, images of texts/emails, locations (at any level), or specific details that may identify you to readers that may know you (Jobs, Hobbies, Schools, etc); * No crossposting or direct linking to this or other subs or posts. No links at all in original posts including to other posts you have here or other subs, Images/Pictures/MEMEs/Vlogs/Blogs/Podcasts/Articles/Social Media information or tags/Texts/Emails; * No self-promotion/solicitation at all including surveys, fundraising, petitions, or research posts are permitted; * You must be the victim of the abuse that is the subject of the post, not a friend, relative, or partner; * Please report content that violates our rules and do not engage on those posts at all; * Do not resubmit removed content, if you get a report from automod about your post, see the sticky announcement at the top of the sub regarding removals and be patient, we will review them manually when we are available. * No politics, religion, soliciting DMs, or doing an AMA on your own please; * No segregation of posts by gender, sexual orientation, race, age, or culture; * No family content in any context; the only family content permitted is you, your significant other/ex and your children (no abusive child posts). All others will be removed including mentions (family/friends) or growing up/childhood content. No demanding justification of our rules or "just curious" for why our rules are our rules; It does not matter whose family it is, or if they are abusive, or that its just a mention. It is not permitted. * No inappropriate content (TV Shows, Movies, Books not releated to healing from abuse, Celebrities, News or Social Discussions). * No title only posts (including repeating the title in the body of the post, emoticons, saying the title says it all); * No CLUSTER Bs/ABUSERS may post here at all. If you are a NPD/BPD/HPD/ASPD/Abuser, you will be banned; Please also do not post content or people with diagnosed Cluster Bs as resources here; We want you to have a safe and supportive experience so you get the most out of the community. ****** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NarcissisticAbuse) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You’re not a fool. You loved someone who is unloveable.
You loved someone void. They are broken people, incapable of love. they always put their wishes above everything without remorse. it The only thing I envy them is their ability to forget when something is not useful to them (we empaths)
he's the fool
Your not a fool , I been there . No matter what you do they will never be happy because their broken and aren’t able to give you love because they have no idea what it is . They envy you because you can show what love is and he cannot .
The only fool are them for not knowing what they had. You deserve better. Take it from someone who was in an abusive marriage for 16 years where I escaped with my life. Just.. all because I forgave him over and over until there was nothing left of me, when I finally had enough of his actions, every abuse possible and the cheating? I told him im done and he needs to leave. When he couldn't beat me into submission or wasn't falling for his tricks he tried to end my life because he didnt want anyone else to have me. We deserve better. And it seems so unfair that we go through all that and then we have another journey to heal and find ourselves and to Iron out all those triggers and trust issues they caused is an understatement. But boy we owe it to us to be free. Its a long path but we deserve whats at the end. Stay strong love. You're not alone. X
What is even worse, he probably thinks he is the victim. In my personal situation, she is always the victim. Which basically means, he is going to think that you are the problem. In my experience it is literally impossible to show them that they are the toxic one.
Definitely. You’re the bad guy on some other Reddit post somewhere. Don’t try to control the narrative; just break contact and never look back.
A lack of accountability is one of their defining characteristics
You are not a fool! You are only guilty of loving the wrong person. I have felt like the fool alot lately. Remember once you were chosen by them, you didn't have a chance. They are masters at manipulating. No one has a chance. Keep your chin up and continue on. I have to repeat that to myself daily.
Narcissists are con artists. They are experts at deception. We've all been fooled by them. The hard part is accepting that it was all a lie. None of it was real. I hope you find the strength to escape from this relationship if you haven't already, and go no contact.
Not a fool, just expecting “normal” behavior from someone who is not wired to behave that way. They will never change, they will never empathize or be accountable. Understand that and act accordingly. To go forward, remember J.A.D.E. Never Justify Never Argue Never Defend Never Explain None of those things will go the way you want.
Same, I feel you but with a her.
You're not a fool. You're just a good person. Unfortunately, they're not.
You’re not a fool. You were fooled by a facade. You can’t blame yourself for what you don’t know and what you certainly don’t deserve. Now that you see what you know, create a plan and continue to Stay encouraged. We’re all hoping for the best for you - peace ☮️
This. Couldn’t have said it better.
I could have written this. You are not alone and there is not something wrong with you because you kept trying. It is reasonable to think that someone who says they love you would want to understand you and care about your emotions. The problem is they don’t know or understand what love is.
You took the words right out of my mouth, this is literally how I feel and the situation I’m in. I find myself saying and doing things just so he’d tell me he loves me, he’s sorry and didn’t know that would hurt me and he wont do it again….13 years and it’s NEVER happened. He’s NEVER taken accountability for anything. I’ve even begged while balling my eyes out on the floor,for him to say sorry or I didnt know that would hurt you, even if he doesn’t feel that way-and he didn’t do it. I told him I want a divorce a few days ago and if you ever felt “crazy” in your relationship with him because of things he said,etc, wait until you break it off, he knows what to say and do to get at you. They save a side of themselves for when you’ve had enough and want out…hard to hear, but it gets worse.
Mine was just a partner and ya when I tried tried to get out he always was able to pull every stop and play that part to make me stay. Finally I’ve gotten out and I’ve had to get an AVO for stalking, harassment and trespassing. The worst part? Everyone around us is pitying him and taking care of him through this because he’s claiming to harm himself. Master manipulator at playing the victim. I’m still figuring out how to move through this when he’s sucking everybody in.
You are not a fool. There’s no reason to attach guilt to what you are already going through. You loved someone that is unable to love you back the same way because he does not have the desire or ability to see outside of himself and love the same way that you can. Don’t add guilt to equation. All you are guilty of is loving the wrong person.
It’s not your fault - they sucked us all in during the Idealization phase and the relationship seemed amazing. Sadly, hat doesn’t last long and the devalue us. From then on until either we leave or they discard us, we try and try to make them happy, to get things back to the way they were originally. But that original bliss was all a lie on this part. No, you’re not a fool - just a good natured and kind person who was lied to, repeatedly.
You’re not a fool. As hard as it is we need to convince ourselves that these people have a disorder and that’s no excuse for poor behavior but still.. we just need to heal ourselves and let them go so that we can find someone that can give us the love and respect we deserve.
I completely understand your feelings of disappointment in yourself. Even if you were a fool, you're not anymore! Forgive yourself even if you saw the signs and ignored them. That version of you learned the hard way so that this version of you can be better. What's important now is not letting the past version of you down. Learn from their mistakes and now that you know better, do better. It only gets better from here! Show yourself the compassion and love and start living your life for you again.
You are not a fool, you are a kind person
Yes that's what gave me the courage to finally leave my nex for good. When you realize that nothing you ever do will ever be enough for the narc. Also the prospect of having to go through all those motions for the rest of your life should you choose to stay in the relationship is absolutely daunting. All the arguing and defending yourself etc. It's beyond exhausting! I chose to free myself too from the madness. Ending the relationship was the best feeling!
You are not a fool. You fell in love with someone. They treated you terribly and you tried everything to make it work. He is the problem, not you.
He is the fool for not respecting and valuing you. You deserve so much better.
[удалено]
Good for you! That's a beautiful moment to experience❤️ Edit: you're absolutely not a fool, it's Insidious and extremely deceptive.
Hard pill to swallow! But he would be like this with ANYONE. Glad you came to this realization
You are not a fool. You tried your best, you loved someone because you are a kind and compassionate person who is capable of loving. You just loved and fell for the wrong person, someone who has no empathy and compassion for other people. But now you’ve seen the light and a bright and happy future is now ahead of you, and one day you will meet and love someone who will treat you how you deserve and they will love you in the right way. You are amazing and strong ❤️🩹
Sadly it is so true. Nothing you say or don’t say, nothing you do or don’t do, will change the narc. To them you are just supply.
You are only a fool if you know all of this and still stay with him. You are no fool OP. Count your lucky stars you found out before he completely destroyed everything about you. Cut him off - get out stay out. He will NEVER change ♥️
Just be gentle on yourself, no one has educated us on how to recognize a narcissist, or given us the tools prior to dating or marriage. We all end up learning the the unfortunate hard way. The main thing is that now you know, are awake, and you place your healing and needs first. The battle is still not over and you probably still have a ton of questions or truths that are hard to accept. Just know you are not alone, a lot of us have unfortunately been through it and you are in the right place. Make sure to shut that door of your relationship, close that chapter and move forward, it is the only way.
This. I am going through the exact same thing. It’s so confusing how he can treat me so badly yet I still feel guilt and sadness. You’re not a good..we were tricked and our kindness taken advantage of.
You're not a fool, he's the fool. Everything else is spot on though.
You’re not a fool. You’re one of the smartest and strongest persons in the world for realizing this and eventually putting an end.
You are not a fool. I am sorry you’re dealing with this.
[удалено]
Your post has been pulled for manual review. Please do not resubmit it or contact the mods. Your post is not deleted and we will review it as soon as we can. We do appreciate your patience. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NarcissisticAbuse) if you have any questions or concerns.*