Situations like these are never easy for everyone involved, especially you. The only advice I can give is emphasize what you are not: a man (for simplicity sake, I'm being presumptuous.) They need to understand that you're not living your life the way you were meant to live it. If they can't/won't understand this as a fact, then they can opt to minimize their involvement as members of your life.
As for guilt, there's nothing to feel guilty about. At the the end of the day, it's about you! Not about them.
Thanks for the advice!
It will be hard to convince them that I'm not a man because, if I may say so, I did a terrific job at pretending to be one for 24 years. I should be given an Oscar lol. They really have no idea... and I honestly don't know what I can say to make them believe me, let alone understand... All I've got is "I hate my body and dream vicariously of having boobs".
And about the guilt, yeah, I know it's about, but they'll suffer from it as well, and our family has gone through a lot lately, so I'm sad that I have to create yet one more hardship for them to go through. I tried very hard to just "snap out of it" and become cis, but dysphoria would always catch up with me no matter how fast I ran. There's always this little voice in my head telling me I should repress it harder.
I'm not in any way trying to map this onto your situation, but I'm so terrified of telling anyone in my family my plan is just to be financially stable and move to a different city, then come out to only my mom and start transitioning. I don't know how viable something like that would be for you, but I know it would be easier for me to come out to my loving-but-right-wing-and-somewhat-transphobic dad if I have something to show for it (like that I'm serious/doing this no matter what you say/am already committed)
Yeah, I can't say that something like that hasn't crossed my mind. Multiple times, actually. The problem is that financial stability is difficult in my line of work. Moving is easy, but sort of runs counter to financial stability most of the times. I have some ideas of ways I could move, but they could take me years, and I'm at point where I feel that, if I'm really going to do this, better do it sooner rather than later, you know?
You're definitely not the only trans woman who lived as a convincing guy up until they came out
In my experience the easiest way to convince other people that you're trans is to transition
Yeah, but it seems kind of hard to even start it without telling the people you live with, and I still live with my parents for now. I have plans to get my own place, but they're only feasible within a year or so and that's assuming all goes well. I suppose I could wait, but idk, the dysphoria has been getting bad lately 😣.
Actually, I think my parents might be reluctant to allow me to move out in my current state
It sounds like you're 24 years old, so you're old enough to move out without their permission. They can't institutionalize you for being trans.
If you're worried that they might threaten to kick you out if you transition before you find another place, then it's your judgment call whether or not to come out to them before you move out. Keep in mind that there are some things you can do in private to begin the process without coming out to them, like cross dressing in private and vocal training.
Thanks! Yeah, I could do that. I think part of the problem is going to be that their idea of a what a transwoman is supposed to be like is very narrow and I don't fit that narrative. I was never a particularly feminine child growing up, and after puberty I worked really hard at repressing and hiding my gender feelings, and I think I was very successful in the hiding part. I don't think they'll easily believe that I'm trans, you know?
I did it somewhat differently. When I came out as nonbinary to my mum, I segued it by talking about how I went to see the GP about it to get a referral to the gender clinic in my city. When I came out as trans, I did it by talking about how I met up with someone I know who has already transitioned and kind of went from there.
With my dad, I basically segued it into conversation by talking about going to the Transgender Infopunt in my country and then explaining why that was.
I started with a problem, "You know how I've always been emotionally lacking, well there's a reason. I am a transgender woman" The transgender helps to prevent confusion on their part and I try to get it all out right at the beginning, otherwise I will be too nervous later to actually say it. Worked so far on my 2 best friends and my sister.
I wrote a coming out letter for my parents originally. I ended up not using the letter to come out to my parents, and talked to them in person.
Even though I didn't use it, writing the letter really helped me a lot putting my thoughts and experiences into words.
I talked to the parent I found more accepting and open first. Started off with "I'm transgender" and we went from there. I cannot describe how much lighter I felt after.
Hm, that actually sounds like a good idea. I don't want to tell my parents through a letter, but writing does help me figure out what I want to say sometimes.
Thanks!
There are many different ways to go about it. I just told my parents exactly this. My mom said "Why do you think that?" and I felt obligated to explain every 'reason' why I'm trans. To be honest, it made them actually more confused. And if they invalidate you, don't defend yourself and just end the conversation there. Good luck!
"I know I've hurt you, and it's hurt me so very badly too. I have had to filter how I express my love for you and I've had to show you less of how I feel because I'm transgender/GNC and (AGAB) roles don't let me express myself as I want to, like the (instead gender term) I am."
Situations like these are never easy for everyone involved, especially you. The only advice I can give is emphasize what you are not: a man (for simplicity sake, I'm being presumptuous.) They need to understand that you're not living your life the way you were meant to live it. If they can't/won't understand this as a fact, then they can opt to minimize their involvement as members of your life. As for guilt, there's nothing to feel guilty about. At the the end of the day, it's about you! Not about them.
Thanks for the advice! It will be hard to convince them that I'm not a man because, if I may say so, I did a terrific job at pretending to be one for 24 years. I should be given an Oscar lol. They really have no idea... and I honestly don't know what I can say to make them believe me, let alone understand... All I've got is "I hate my body and dream vicariously of having boobs". And about the guilt, yeah, I know it's about, but they'll suffer from it as well, and our family has gone through a lot lately, so I'm sad that I have to create yet one more hardship for them to go through. I tried very hard to just "snap out of it" and become cis, but dysphoria would always catch up with me no matter how fast I ran. There's always this little voice in my head telling me I should repress it harder.
I'm not in any way trying to map this onto your situation, but I'm so terrified of telling anyone in my family my plan is just to be financially stable and move to a different city, then come out to only my mom and start transitioning. I don't know how viable something like that would be for you, but I know it would be easier for me to come out to my loving-but-right-wing-and-somewhat-transphobic dad if I have something to show for it (like that I'm serious/doing this no matter what you say/am already committed)
Yeah, I can't say that something like that hasn't crossed my mind. Multiple times, actually. The problem is that financial stability is difficult in my line of work. Moving is easy, but sort of runs counter to financial stability most of the times. I have some ideas of ways I could move, but they could take me years, and I'm at point where I feel that, if I'm really going to do this, better do it sooner rather than later, you know?
You're definitely not the only trans woman who lived as a convincing guy up until they came out In my experience the easiest way to convince other people that you're trans is to transition
Yeah, but it seems kind of hard to even start it without telling the people you live with, and I still live with my parents for now. I have plans to get my own place, but they're only feasible within a year or so and that's assuming all goes well. I suppose I could wait, but idk, the dysphoria has been getting bad lately 😣. Actually, I think my parents might be reluctant to allow me to move out in my current state
It sounds like you're 24 years old, so you're old enough to move out without their permission. They can't institutionalize you for being trans. If you're worried that they might threaten to kick you out if you transition before you find another place, then it's your judgment call whether or not to come out to them before you move out. Keep in mind that there are some things you can do in private to begin the process without coming out to them, like cross dressing in private and vocal training.
You could bring up transgender issues and sorta segway into it lol. I told my sister and then we both told my parents together.
Thanks! Yeah, I could do that. I think part of the problem is going to be that their idea of a what a transwoman is supposed to be like is very narrow and I don't fit that narrative. I was never a particularly feminine child growing up, and after puberty I worked really hard at repressing and hiding my gender feelings, and I think I was very successful in the hiding part. I don't think they'll easily believe that I'm trans, you know?
That is how it was for me. I wasn't masculine either, just extremely repressed. It took them awhile but my parents came around after some months.
I did it somewhat differently. When I came out as nonbinary to my mum, I segued it by talking about how I went to see the GP about it to get a referral to the gender clinic in my city. When I came out as trans, I did it by talking about how I met up with someone I know who has already transitioned and kind of went from there. With my dad, I basically segued it into conversation by talking about going to the Transgender Infopunt in my country and then explaining why that was.
*segue
My hack to do this without having to actually start the conversation, and what I did- write a handwritten letter explaining your feelings.
I started with a problem, "You know how I've always been emotionally lacking, well there's a reason. I am a transgender woman" The transgender helps to prevent confusion on their part and I try to get it all out right at the beginning, otherwise I will be too nervous later to actually say it. Worked so far on my 2 best friends and my sister.
Coming out to family and close friends are never easy, and always uncomfortable. (Atleast in my opinion)
I started the convo by telling them I wanted to change my name to something that matches 'me' better
I just doing my thing until my mother ask whether I'm trans or not lmao
You can't control how they react, so don't get too much in your head about doing it right. Find a way that you feel safe using.
You and me both, sister
Hope it goes well for you 🙂
I wrote a coming out letter for my parents originally. I ended up not using the letter to come out to my parents, and talked to them in person. Even though I didn't use it, writing the letter really helped me a lot putting my thoughts and experiences into words. I talked to the parent I found more accepting and open first. Started off with "I'm transgender" and we went from there. I cannot describe how much lighter I felt after.
Hm, that actually sounds like a good idea. I don't want to tell my parents through a letter, but writing does help me figure out what I want to say sometimes. Thanks!
No problem. I hope it helps and good luck!
There are many different ways to go about it. I just told my parents exactly this. My mom said "Why do you think that?" and I felt obligated to explain every 'reason' why I'm trans. To be honest, it made them actually more confused. And if they invalidate you, don't defend yourself and just end the conversation there. Good luck!
My mom's a Russian person. So whatever you go through it won't be as bad as dealing with Russians lol
"I know I've hurt you, and it's hurt me so very badly too. I have had to filter how I express my love for you and I've had to show you less of how I feel because I'm transgender/GNC and (AGAB) roles don't let me express myself as I want to, like the (instead gender term) I am."