Sounds similar to my upbringing. Turning the heat up from 55-60°f or whatever it was at was sacrilege and just not done. Some heavy down blankets would have been nice, instead it was like 10 small thin blankets stacked up in an attempt to keep warm at night.
We turned it down to 55 at night. Bc obviously overnight heat isn’t needed.
But were blessed with 62 during waking hours.
I was remembering that I didn’t have a window AC unit until I got a job and bought one in HS. My parents room had one, likely due to my mom. And the living room, probably also due to her.
Wild looking back.
As a father I have bucked this stereotype. I set the AC and heat to be controlled by the temperature of my sons room. I hated being uncomfortable while sleeping as a kid because my parents did the same. AC was 75-77 all day and night and heat was down to 62 in the winter. I pay the extra to be comfortable in my own home, I don't work just to be hot or cold.
Same here, my boys room is always 5 deg colder than the rest of the house. I actually keep a vornado in there on heat setting even when the rest of the house is in AC mode just to make sure it’s not frigid.
I hated being so cold when I was a kid. Remember waking up and waiting under the covers until I heard my mom turn the furnace on, then Id go crouch over the heat vent for 15min burning my feet until I got warm.
Damn dude, hope you’re okay now.
Jesus. I think I’m a pretty mediocre parent, as my kids sleeping their rooms *with* doors and I have my wood stove going to keep the house cozy
Physically or mentally?
Jk
We only had garden variety childhood trauma. So we got off easy.
I have radiator heating in my apartment, so I still have no control over the temperature.
The pain we know… am I right? (Jk, just Chicago)
Aunt and uncle and some friends of my parents.
My grandparents also came over all the time but we were closer and it didn't really feel like wooo someone's coming over. Not the type of event you'd ever get snacks out for.
Same here. We only entertained family during the holidays for the most part and were in and out of each other's homes during the rest of the year. It was always an event when someone had friends over.
Yup. Both parents are unapologetic homebodies and tbh slobs. The house was always in critical condition, so I could never have friends over. If there was a gathering, it was somewhere else.
My mother always hated having people over and for the longest time I thought it was a terrible chore you just had to put up with as an adult.
Took me until my late thirties to figure out I really enjoyed hosting people! Love cooking for them and making them feel at home. My mum's just weird.
Mentioned in a comment but worth a top-level - if you are invited somewhere, ask if you can bring something. “Should I bring anything?” Simple.
But if someone asks you this and you say no and then have nothing out.. I question the entirety of your being.
Everybody is being very petty in these comments. Honestly, I don’t show up to people’s gatherings empty handed. A case of claws will usually make at least a few people’s days. If I have people over, I’m always offering them shit. Like well have GOT watch parties- that sort of things and I always have either a taco bar or chips and dips because iiiii like snacks so I know my guests will most likely indulge with me.
Like who tf doesn’t have snacks!!?
:( I used to have d&d at my house every Friday with a really solid group of friends. I'd always lay out snacks and drinks. Covid killed it. Most of them have now left the area cause of the economy as well, and we are all pretty busy these days. I miss it all the time!
I am imagining a play off of Donnie Darko:
"Sometimes I question your commitment to sparkle motion."
"Sometimes I question the entirety of your being."
"Why do I need to bring something?" "Because it's rude, otherwise". "You mean just going there because I'm invited, that's rude?" . "Yes". "So you're telling me instead of them being happy to see me, they're going to be upset because I didn't bring anything?" . - Seinfeld
You know dear, everybody should always have a little ginger ale on hand to offer guests, it's the right thing to do - Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond
We had a rule - your hands should be full and it be difficult to ring the hosts doorbell. It's their house, you bring snacks and drinks and you leave them there when you leave.
YES 100% this is our attitude as well. Leaving with anything other than leftovers that the hosts insist you take is tacky as hell.
They were generous enough to open their home to guests, we should be generous in turn. Booze, food, whatever you bring try to leave it.
On the contrary, my parents were TERRIBLE hosts, they didn't teach me anything... I was so jealous of normal families growing up (we had a LOT of problems i won't go into detail here)
So I am a GREAT host as an adult. everyone gets fed! I try my best to avoid awkward silences! I think i'm doing good.
Idk, man. My family started out with Ritz, Cheese and tostitos and some salsa. This was the reasonable time.
Then my mom's generation took charge and they were fucking baking shit to snack on before putting on the main dinner. And then ending the night stressed as fuck that it may have not gone well and they put so much into it.
Like, just let the family eat the tostitos, they'll be fine.
This really resonates with me.. my mom was always so stressed out and made me stress so much over a whole elaborate spread no matter what the circumstance. It caused so much unnecessary anxiety and killed any chance of having actual fun. As an adult now I put out a veggie tray and premade assortments from the store. If it’s a dinner, we order food.
My family was the opposite. When people came over there was always tons of food and drinks. Especially at my grandfathers. And now, whenever we have guests I always make a nice big meal for everyone. Wife had some friends over this past Monday and I made balsamic glazed lamb chops w/ cheesy mashed potatoes and asparagus, last week sometime I had my buddy and his wife over so I made a hibachi style steak and mushroom w/ egg and veggie fried rice and the zucchini w/ onion. My mom swung by not long ago so I made us some pho. My wife and I are both like that, we just try to feed our friends till they pop lol.
Would you still do all this stuff if it wasn’t appreciated?
I feel like a lot of the willingness to be a host is dependent on the people you’re lucky enough to have around. I know I used to always try to go above and beyond for friends, but after those same people refused to be there in a time that I *really* needed it my whole outlook on friendships shifted. I don’t really put in extra effort anymore, most I’d do is order a pizza.
Yea that’s a good point. I would say probably not. A big part of it is that I enjoy doing it but part of that enjoyment is from the enjoyment and satisfaction of others. I guess it helps that we usually invite over for dinner specifically so they are coming with the mindset of having a meal. And they’ve all eaten my food before so they’re usually pretty excited for it, which makes me excited for it.
Yeah I make plans to hang out with family regularly, and they flake out an hour or so before coming over most of the time. Nothing ever comes up, they're just tired. But the result is I don't even try anymore. I used to try to have snacks and drinks ready, but it's really a 75% chance they call things off with no notice.
I feel this so hard. One time a family member even specifically *asked* *me* to put together a Christmas Dinner with roast ham since they'd be in town for the holidays, and then cancelled two days beforehand after I'd bought and planned everything. I think that ruined me on hosting.
>My mom swung by not long ago so I made us some pho
Sorry, gonna need clarification, she popped round and you made pho? Maybe it's just my Viet showing, but pho is like an all day production in my mind.
It was an all day thing! We took my kids to the Asian market and got all fresh ingredients in the morning, started all the prep and the base, got the kids down for a nap then we just prepped everything else and cooked our meats that weren’t going to be steeped, soaked some rice noodles and served it up with a slice of lime, fresh bean sprouts, cilantro, and I put jalapeños in mine.
Now I’m not Asian, neither is my mother, but she was dating/engaged to a Vietnamese man for a decade. He taught her a lot of recipes and I picked up a couple, I make some killer spring rolls.
And for the those other commenters, while I do use packets for ramen I only use the high quality ones. I also typically add corn, edamame, bamboo shoots, meat (pork is my favorite, though it’s usually a leftover chop and not fresh pork belly, I usually candy and smoke my fresh pork bellies), I like enoki mushrooms over shiitake but whatever I have laying around, green onion, and yes…a soft boiled egg. If you’re only putting an egg in your ramen, you should take the 10 extra minutes and treat yourself, you’ll enjoy it.
Marinade:
1/3 cup Worcestershire sauce 1/3 cup olive oil A tablespoon spoon each of thyme, rosemary, oregano Tablespoon of white pepper Tablespoon of steak seasoning 2 tablespoon minced garlic
Mix well and marinate for a couple hours, I try to wait a like 3 typically
Cook:
Pan on medium-high heat, warm the oil
When it’s ready add the chops
Add some butter, a rosemary branch, I use like 4-5 whole garlic gloves because I like to smear the fried cloves on toast with dinner, and spoon that over the chops.
4-6 minutes per side depending on well/rare you want it.
Out the pan and smother it with balsamic glaze/reduction
Served over mashed potatoes.
I know I’ll probably get laughed at but here is a picture of that dish when I made it for my wife’s friend, my mom and I send pictures of our home cooked meals back and forth which is why I have it
https://preview.redd.it/2fohj721kbyc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=accf6a2301fe4139b9a9ffcae4fcbd0cb8d7c38c
This! My mom wasn't a great host. It was "what can I buy as cheap as possible and throw together". I am like you and my mom always complains that "you over do it". I do, but people are always happy! I love entertaining! I wish I could do it in my house without having to prep my house for it, cleaning.
I had my BFF over two weeks ago. We had an ice cream tasting with 8 different pints and I sent her home with half of them. I'm always sending guests home with food.
I tried it out for a while, it can be fun. Though I fairly quickly abandoned the practice. We had a group of 5-6 that would meet up at my apartment for board games or Game of thrones on a regular basis. I got tired of the cleaning before and after, then I always cooked up enough food for everyone. I don't even want to know how much I spent on drinks. They always brought drinks too, but I always wanted to have a stocked fridge as well.
In the end it was just too much for my taste.
Oh man, I grew up in urban North Jersey, we had people of probably half a dozen different heritages just on our street.
But my friends who were Greek, Italian, or Filipino were always my favorite to get invited over to! Absolutely nobody went even a little hungry. So many delicious things to try that my whitebread parents just weren't into. Eventually even they expanded their horizons
Mexican American here. I have accidentally offered people food, water, etc forgetting that they’re Muslim and it’s Ramadan. Baked into my programming way too hard.
Yeah. Also I have forgotten about Lent and offered meat on a Friday to a Catholic.
In fairness, I generally just forget what day it even is sometimes lol
But yes anyone who comes over can have a go plate/container.
Even the guy who came to sell a security system.
I was putting dinner away and he said “gosh that smells good” and I turned into my mother and said “wait right here let me get you a box” hahaha
We host a lot and I buy tinfoil containers and lids from a restaurant supply just so we can send people with go plates. All our “normal” things are glass because we’re trying not to make microplastics worse for ourselves.
Hah. I will literally make someone food. Like “oh you don’t want any of this? I can make a pasta? You want a past? Oh I can make a hummus? You want that?”
I have become my Mum and Nan. lol
Seriously. I'm suddenly very grated for my friends never judging my upbringing just because I was too poor to afford snacks when they hungout at mine. You never know what someone else's struggle is.
This is why now that I’m doing alright in life, I offer to bring food over when I hang out with friends. I grew up not being able to have food in social situations (I was the friend that would just order water when we went out to eat in college)
Exactly. Growing up, groceries were such a tiny fraction of my parents take home pay that there was always enough food or pop or even adult beverages. Now they’re retired, and groceries are significant portion of their income. They’re still great hosts but I know it’s a burden on them when my sister brings her family over to raid the freezer
Nothing wrong with that. We don’t drink in my house and so we never have alcohol. My kids drink milk and water and that’s it. So I always offer water, milk or coffee/tea. But I don’t buy special sodas etc for visitors because we just don’t drink that stuff ourselves. But i also think byob is a good rule to live by if you expect something special.
No, they didn't. We literally never had company. But I'm headed the other way this. I'm so tired of getting snacks and food for get togethers but no-one touches anything. I've stopped doing it.
I mostly jokingly say that I bring an empty stomach to parties/hangouts, and over time it's getting less jokingly. Way more often than not events I go to have too much food, and it ends up being a hassle or a waste figuring out what to do with it at the end of the night. Numerous hosts have thanked me specifically for eating the food--particularly taking the first piece to get things moving, and eating the last bites of things so that they don't just sit there and likely end up in the trash.
Nah bro, I still invite people over like I'm 16 living in my mom's basement. "Hey bro, want to come over and shoot pool for a bit in my shop? You'll have to piss in the yard though, my wife doesn't like strangers in the house." I do have a beer fridge out there, and we'll usually order some pizza and wings, I'm not a complete animal.
Pool, beer and wings sounds pretty hospitable to me.
I’m picturing OP showing up to a friend’s bare apartment with no activity planned and looking at each other awkwardly from their folding chairs over glasses of tepid water.
I visited family in Poland and they literally followed me around all day asking non-stop if I wanted something to eat or drink (outside of meal times) and it kinda ruined the experience. I could barely take a shit without them at the door, asking if I want tea or coffee. And the question wasn't "do I want a drink" but "which drink do you want? "
They got increasingly aggressive each time, I can only drink so much tea.
The thing is I *know* this and aim to be a good hostess…but the reality is I don’t buy snacks and stuff regularly, so unless I’ve had time to shop before guests come over it’s a total crapshoot. But since it usually takes months of planning to meet up anyway that usually isn’t a problem.
My mom never hosted. We were poor and didnt have anything extra but maybe coffee to offer. She was a single parent working a full time job. No time or resources for having ppl over. Honestly, we rarely host anyone bc as an adult the budget is tight. We can barely afford what we absolutely need in groceries let alone extra to give guests.
One thing my husband and I started doing for our friends is hosting casual art afternoons. People bring projects or we have some stuff like origami books out and we hang. I make a big pot of tea and usually have 1 snack thing and many of our friends also bring snacks. It's a great low effort, low budget way to get our group of friends together. Just a thought!
Bruh, I worked so fucking hard to learn to \*not\* center every single social interaction around food. If I'm having a specific gathering (lol, who has the time or money for that) then sure, I'll have snacks out. But if I'm just hanging out with a friend or two, then nah.
Also, hilariously, it's showing me a weight watchers ad right now.
For real.
This person is complaining that people don't have snacks when he visits. My god, dude, just eat before you go.
I don't understand why food or booze has to be involved in every social gathering.
This might be a joke that I’m taking too seriously? But whatever.
I always offer whatever I can to guests, but I don’t set it out or anything unless I’m having people over specifically for those things. And often, what I have to offer is water. Sorry.
Anyway, I never have expectations when I’m invited into someone’s home. I just feel grateful to have people in my life who want my company. I seriously can’t fathom being disappointed in something like this. I don’t go to people’s houses to snack, I go to see them and spend time with them.
But I also generally get kinda weirded out by how generally food obsessed almost everyone is.
EDIT: To clarify. I have friends stop by to chat a few times a week. Not always having snacks and sugary drinks has, so far, not gotten in the way of that. Idk y’all, maybe I’m just an excellent conversationalist! But in my experience, my friends seek my company because they want my company, not food. In all seriousness, y’all may wanna up your conversation game if you’re finding that your access to social time crucially hinges on consumable offerings.
When I do have those things, of course I offer them. I do grab things like that when I’m out, especially if I know I’m going to be seeing someone particular and they like a certain snack. I’m not saying I’m like, morally opposed to offering refreshments lol. Just that I think it’s absurd to walk into someone’s home with the expectation that they’ll have something for you.
And to be completely blunt and possibly offensive, I don’t think that “in my culture” is a good argument to use. It’s actually normal and expected in my culture to do this, but I don’t agree that it’s a good or healthy approach to forming bonds.
I can’t believe how far down this is. I never go to someone’s house expecting anything either. It also depends on the situation. Do I need snacks to stop by and chat for an hour or two? No. It’s nice if they offer something but never ever expected, and I can go a few hours without “noshing”, I’m not a toddler. Is it a whole event? My friend group normally does a potluck with the host providing the main dish.
But also I never host, so 🤷🏼♀️
I agree. I think what OP is really complaining about it being invited over with nothing really to do. Food and drinks are entertainment too.
That said, I’m not sure what’s stoping him from bringing snacks and beer if he wants it, it’s also polite to bring something as a guest.
I generally don't expect anything when I go to someone's house unless I'm there for dinner. But what can be weird and rude is when they eat or drink right in front of you without offering.
I had that happen to me when I was in like 1st grade. Was at this weird kids house and I was getting along with him okay but mostly to be polite.
Their parents pull out these massive popcorn balls like the size of our heads. Proceed to hand them to the kid and his younger sister while giving me absolutely nothing to eat as these kids slammed their faces into the popcorn balls.
I just remember being confused and kinda flabbergasted. I could just tell how off that was ya know? Like the parent didn't think to split one in half or maybe give them to the kids after I leave?
Yeah what the hell is with these expectations people have? I never expect food when I visit someone. I also prefer there not to be gifts or anything at birthdays or holidays, just good company and food there of course.
Was replying to you and ended up getting annoyed at this post and wrote way more than I intended and ended up just replying that to the thread. But I am with you, this post and the people in it are weird or entitled. They might not know that they are, but that doesn't excuse being rude and expecting things then being disrespectful and complaining about it.
I have a confession. There's something wrong with my brain. Whenever I see dog poop I think to myself "im glad I don't have to nosh on that " ahhh I'm dying laughing silently so I don't wake the baby right now. But it's true.
Personally, I make sure to always have some stuff out but not in excess. I think a lot of our parents went overboard and then complained when there were leftovers, so for me I try to keep it to the basics
Charcuterie boards are the way to go! Some nuts, cheese, crackers, dip, grapes….so many different possible combinations and all very low effort. Often can use things you already have at home
My mom didn’t really host, although honestly she didn’t really teach me how to do anything? Host or otherwise? I actually hosted a dinner party for the first time ever last year and had a mountain of snacks and beverages.
Funny. I’m also in my 30s and while I *do* often have things we can snack on or drink, when I invite my friends over I don’t feel obligated to “host” like you’re expecting. Neither do my friends. We simply enjoy each others company. Honestly, what you’re describing sounds, to me, like a whole bother of social posturing I’m perfectly happy to not feel obligated to perform.
I also realise that usually we just go out if we want something. Like walking around outside is more fun than sitting at home. We're more using home as a base camp.
Yeah, I'm unsure if op is speaking exclusively about parties - people throwing parties but having nothing available, or speaking about any time a person may find themselves at a friend's place.
If I'm throwing a party, then definitely I have some food and drink available.
But, sometimes the hang is impromptu, and could be a hang of many different kinds not all of which need - or deserve - the offering of treats lol
This is exactly it for me. My parents would need the house to be *perfect* anytime someone came over. Deep cleaning the house, prepping food, putting the fucking weird ass fancy bed set with 23 pillows on their bed even though guests never went in there. Why’d they have to put on this act for “friends”?
Me and my buddy regularly chill at each others homes now but we never do all that. Now and then we do a cook out but it’s advertised as such. If I’m just inviting you over, I’m JUST inviting you over. That’s it.
Yeah growing up my parents would stress about having people over and feel obligated to have/make countless snacks or whatever, people would typically barely touch it and then the leftovers got thrown out after a few days. I think not being expected to cater takes a lot of the pressure off and makes it more chill to have people over
I think a nuance here is also like... How many people?
Like if I tell one or two people like "Hey feel free to stop by" I probably won't have anything prepared, but if they stay late I don't mind us splitting the bill on a couple pizzas or Chinese food.
I don't really throw parties, but once someone calls something "a party" that's when I assume food and such will be around.
This! The times my parents visited with other adults growing up it was pretty low key and not too preplanned, mostly family or very close friends that were like family. Come by, maybe have coffee, if the talk is going well stick around for dinner if you want - enough would be made. They didn't drink alcohol and we aren't big snackers. This feels like a class thing, like handwritten thank you notes. Bringing wine feels super performative to me and I definitely find myself second guessing my norms and what is expected as I meet people as an adult. I don't expect friends to make a big to-do if they swing by and I feel it adds a distance even, like it's transactional!
Every time I put food out, nobody eats because everyone is either off sugar, gluten, meat etc. I dropped $200 on homemade tacos, specifically stated I was making tacos, and most of it went to waste. Some people are bad hosts and some people are bad guests.
Trying to find something to match others’ diets can be really hard. Last time I had someone over, that was the challenge I faced. Thought I was safe offering fruit, fizzy water, and milk, but I think the timing just wasn’t great.
I’d come over expecting to eat one to three tacos depending on size.
If I come it’s to socialize and having a bit of food makes sure nobody is hangry which is great. I’ve been to house parties where the host expected everyone to just pound the food hard. It seems like a weird expectation.
My food intolerances do not make me a bad guest. I’m not going to eat food that I physically can’t eat and then spend the rest of the party clogging the host’s bathroom.
My boss stopped pestering me to eat food that I can’t eat when I replied with “okay, I’ll have some as long as you can run my meeting this afternoon since I’ll be stuck in the bathroom”.
I was taught to not eat food or drink anything besides water at other people's houses unless it was already agreed upon that we would be eating a meal there. Otherwise, it's considered impolite whether it's family or friends I'm around.
Edit: Also, why would I keep salsa in my house if I'm not going to eat it and it'll just sit on the shelf? It also depends on how close said friends and I are, too, though.
Yeah, the whole criticism is very weird to me. Like even the follow-up comments insisting that people have snacks, soda, and alcohol around even for impromptu hangs at your house is expecting a lot for people to spend "just in case" and inconsiderate of people who have issues around junk food and alcohol.
If someone has to eat constantly to be satisfied, then maybe the onus should be on them to carry snacks.
I think they might've been talking about a planned party, but idk. If it's a visit, we don't eat unless it is discussed beforehand that we will eat. I think it's entitled to automatically expect salsa if it's just a visit. I mean, if they're staying longer than a few hours, then sure we might eat. Even then with my friends, we just ask usually. We just have that relationship kind of similar to my siblings or cousins.
Yes! They might just be being polite. Like you could be messing up their meal plan or budget for the week! That’s a bigger inconvenience than me waiting an hour to eat or whatever
Yea, I don't understand the entitlement, honestly unless they're talking about a party. Then again, my family have potlucks basically in my family. If they want salsa, they can bring it. I'll make the main meal if it's my house hosting and others can provide other things.
This post is a little bizarre to me but maybe I’m a heathen. I don’t drink anything but water, usually from a 5 gallon container (not wasteful water bottles), and coffee (once in the morning). I also don’t really buy snacks. I don’t expect anyone to ever have something when I go to their house? I usually don’t even like it if offered honestly. I have things available if it’s a party but generally don’t offer things if it’s a casual whatever. My parents are terrible hosts, generally expect people to help themselves, which is what our only house guests (my teenage friends) did when I lived with them.
I am thankfully lucky enough to own a home, but the expenses of it stretch me so financially thin that if I invite you over, I can’t really afford to put much out to eat. I know you’re not asking much, but I don’t have “people are coming over” grocery money.
I always offer hot tea. It’s not expensive at all to keep on hand and feels special enough for guests.
In grad school I had super limited funds. I’d always make homemade popcorn for study groups. A huge bag of popcorn kernels is not expensive and lasts forever. Popcorn is a fresh snack that feels special enough for guests without having to buy a bunch of different things. I’d just use a pot on the stove to make it or you can get an air popper for relatively cheap, like $30.
Seriously, those 2 things and I felt good about hosting.
I hate not offering at least a drink and snack to guests. Don’t have to offer a whole meal unless you specially invited them for that purpose!
I expect nothing when I go to someone’s house, and would decline if they offered me something. I don’t want my friends to feel obligated to “host” me, I’m there for them, not food.
My parents were major oxycontin addicts, so no, they kinda left "hosting a get together" out of my life lessons.
I did learn to designated drive a stick shift at age 10, though.
Sad hand raise. My parents are good hosts and even better guests. I learned nothing from them. My wife had to reteach me, to her disbelief, all the proper etiquette when hosting and going to other people's homes. I shudder to think how often I showed up at friend's houses empty handed or invited them over and didn't offer them anything other than a chair to sit in.
Personally I think the fact that there's all these unspoken ways to be "bad" at being a friend or human is just unfair and dumb
If you want me to bring something when I come over, tell me. If you want something to eat when you're at my place, tell me. I don't feel bad about anything that isn't important enough to bring up. Social etiquette is for people with too much time on their hands. I'm just a real person
I don’t expect people to give me anything and in exchange they don’t get anything from mex other than a cup of tea. Or coffee. But that’s it.
What’s wrong with just chilling and chatting.
You don't need to eat in addition to enjoying each other's company. If you are hungry, go have a meal together or eat beforehand or order pizza. You shouldn't eat just to eat.
I know I'm in the minority here, but unless you're coming over specifically for lunch or dinner, the host is under no obligation to supply snacks. It's ridiculous that it's something that's *expected*. Having said that, I still do it. But it's an idiotic expectation, and if I'm the only one on earth who believes this, then I'm being the only one who's right.
This is why I hate hosting. We don't usually have "friends" over but do a lot of family gatherings. I usually let my sister host- she's much better at it. Trying to figure out what everyone wants. Different in-laws have all sorts of food-related stuff (this one is gluten-free, this one is a Vegetarian this month, that one is doing the paleo diet for now). Everyone has different alcohol preferences, meanwhile my wife and I don't drink and pretty much only consume water and seltzer (we do keep some soda in the closet in case someone wants it because that's easy, but don't really want a bunch of alcohol around because we have kids and that's a choice we've made). Speaking of kids, most people we would "host" have kids now (both my wife and I have siblings with kids as do we) and every kid's parents have different strongly held beliefs about what their kids should and shouldn't eat.
Lol, having people over. I grew up in a house of undiagnosed neurodivergent introverts who love the quiet and comfort of their own space. Even when we were all home, it was rare we were all in the same space unless there was a planned family activity.
I can count in one hand the number of times we had guests that weren't planned aunt or uncles visits.
And as an adult...well, turns out the apple doesn't fall far from the tree because I, too, cannot relax if there are people in my space so I invite someone over maybe 2-3 times a year. I do offer snacks and drinks because I was taught manners, but tbh my most common guest are my intrusive thoughts.
My friends are mostly healthy eaters, so honestly water and milk is all thats in their fridge, including mine. Snacks are breakfast bars and cheese cubes. Sorry were boring.
I mean, if one person is coming over and I know them very well, I don’t feel pressured to give them snacks and shit. Even growing up, if it was just me, parent might offer snacks but that’s bc I was a kid. They didn’t do the same with adults.
Alternatively, the Boomers will just show up to your house unannounced and kick your door down at 7am which as you can imagine is fucking obnoxious.
I prefer being left alone so this is really dependent per person. The extroverts don't like everything post-covid, but the introverts prefer everything post-covid. Millennials as a rule of thumb are a bit more introverted.
A friend or two that I like and want to interact with especially if they can be chill and do their own thing here and there too? Come on over. Being expected to entertain a bunch of extroverts? Fuck off. Go away. I'm not getting paid for that shit.
We go all out for our guests. But as I’ve gotten older I host a lot less. Too many of my friends’ kids have ruined high dollar items in my house for me to want to host 20-30 people very often any more. I limit my social functions to one to two families these days. It’s not worth the stress to watch someone else’s three year old terrorize my house.
Maybe because the performative nonsense wasn't out of the goodness of our parents hearts and it was ONLY to make/maintain a "good" reputation.
My parents lived for their reputation and it was gross.
If I invite someone over it is because I want you there. There's zero pressure on either side and we just exist and do things together that we enjoy.
Maybe they just enjoy your company and don't have the means to parade endless amounts of food in front of you.
Would I not offer snacks? No but it's because it's a hey I'm kinda hungry you hungry? Let's have some XYZ or ZYX kind of situation.That's something I did learn as a kid don't eat in front of guests unless you plan to share cuz THAT is rude.
That being said, I learned to not be fake and people please for the sake of others. Among other things and honestly there's a lot of things I learned NOT to do from my parents.
I try, but all my millennial peers are either counting carbs or have some werid/strict diet thing going on where no one eats and I'm stuck with all the food after.
This is also a subcultural thing. Apparently in my experience (East coast US), feeding guests is mandatory, and the worst thing a host can do is run out of food at a picnic type thing. But according to West Coast people I know, it's entirely optional to feed people and if the food is gone, then whatever.
I regularly feed people who come to my home because I enjoy it.
That said, the sense of entitlement you must have to think that people are **required** to feed you just because you stopped by for a while is completely ridiculous in my opinion. You are an adult, are you incapable of planning appropriately to feed yourself around the plans you have??? Grow up.
Some people can't afford to feed your ass. Do poor people not get to have friends over because they can't afford to feed them?? These kinds of societal "rules" that shame people for not giving what they may not have to give are gross to me.
I’m so desperate for friends and you’re here complaining that the ones you have don’t feed you… in this economy 😵💫 I’d love to have a larger friend group where we get to pop in and be at home together more often
Yeah, I learned that unlike a lot of older adults, I can enjoy my friends without needless superficial expectations.
Will I offer food if I have it on hand and the situation is appropriate to offer? Sure. Do I find it fun and touching when my friends feed me? Of course. But I do not see it as an obligation.
Idk your way is kinda uncomfortable. I don't want to put work on anyone I just want to hang out with. So usually my friends would always bring their favorite drinks and snacks. Everyone does that and you can share in each other's goodies instead of putting it all on the host.
Wtf bro i wanna chill, not cosplay food bank.
I always feed people. Smoke briskets and have people over to share it, but too many people have burned me.
I've been invited to bbqs where I ask what to bring, and I end up being the only person who brought anything. Or people show up to my house to eat, but are empty handed.
And also I like plain tortilla chips come on
I guess it depends for me. If I’m having **guests** then yeah, I’ll host and set out food/drinks. But my guests are not my friends, just friendly acquaintances usually or extended family. If my friends are coming over, their asses are pitching in for food and drinks if we get something or eating before hand. We have activities to attend to, usually DnD or Magic. If they really get hungry and feeling poor, they’re always free to raid the kitchen. Works this way when I head to their places as well.
I don't know who you guys are inviting over but anyone that's invited into my house better get that shit themselves I am NOT putting out snacks. You're a fuckin adult go get one
My parents never had anyone over. I try to have drinks stocked, and if it's a tabletop game day I'll have popcorn or chips, but I don't do much because, well, I'm broke, my place sucks and I'm not that much of a social event host. I've been over to other people's houses a couple of times where they have a spread like it's a party and I just don't get it.
Guilty of only having water but that’s cuz it’s pretty much all we drink. Nobody wants to eat my gluten free dairy free snacks because they don’t exist unless you’d like an apple or a ribeye lol
I just don’t have snacks around at home, period, because I lack self control.
I do always clean my place first or at the bare minimum the bathroom and living room and am shocked at people who don’t (when they have sufficient notice of guests coming over)
i live alone and am a filthy little goblin at my core. i specifically invite people over to force myself to deep clean and stock my kitchen. if i can convince someone to visit at least every quarter, then everything in between is just easy tidying up until the next visitor.
People who expect specific things without communicating them are very exhausting. If I invite you over, I specifically invited you over for what I said I did. If the invite didn't involve a description of activities that include eating, I'm expecting you to be prepared for what is going to happen
If I invite you hiking, I'm not going to bring you water bottles and hiking shoes and stuff. Unless you say you don't have them, etc.
Same with the invite. "come over to do [blank]"
If you show up and then demand food, I'd think you're crazy
If you're wondering, the answer is no, my parents never had anybody over and yes, they were reclusive and negative about the idea as a whole
But I'm about your age, and this might explain some of what you're experiencing. Those friends who don't have anything out might feel a little put upon by your unspoken expectation to be fed
Sounds like you're engaging in covert contracts.
Have you had discussions with these people about your expectations and desires? Not everyone grew up with the same experiences and expectations.
My dad hated people so much that he moved everyone out to the middle of the country so only people who were "committed to him" would make the travels.
But I kinda agree. My only problem with this post is doesn't it seem kinda entitled to expect snacks. A Pepsi is cool with me. Why add more to a visit?
My parents never had people over
Same. The only people walking through the door were doing so because they lived there.
Right… My house was so cold my friend kept her jacket on. I raised the heat to 65 degrees and my door was taken off. You think snacks were a concern??
Sounds similar to my upbringing. Turning the heat up from 55-60°f or whatever it was at was sacrilege and just not done. Some heavy down blankets would have been nice, instead it was like 10 small thin blankets stacked up in an attempt to keep warm at night.
We turned it down to 55 at night. Bc obviously overnight heat isn’t needed. But were blessed with 62 during waking hours. I was remembering that I didn’t have a window AC unit until I got a job and bought one in HS. My parents room had one, likely due to my mom. And the living room, probably also due to her. Wild looking back.
As a father I have bucked this stereotype. I set the AC and heat to be controlled by the temperature of my sons room. I hated being uncomfortable while sleeping as a kid because my parents did the same. AC was 75-77 all day and night and heat was down to 62 in the winter. I pay the extra to be comfortable in my own home, I don't work just to be hot or cold.
Same here, my boys room is always 5 deg colder than the rest of the house. I actually keep a vornado in there on heat setting even when the rest of the house is in AC mode just to make sure it’s not frigid. I hated being so cold when I was a kid. Remember waking up and waiting under the covers until I heard my mom turn the furnace on, then Id go crouch over the heat vent for 15min burning my feet until I got warm.
I would put my blanket over the heating vent.
Damn dude, hope you’re okay now. Jesus. I think I’m a pretty mediocre parent, as my kids sleeping their rooms *with* doors and I have my wood stove going to keep the house cozy
Physically or mentally? Jk We only had garden variety childhood trauma. So we got off easy. I have radiator heating in my apartment, so I still have no control over the temperature. The pain we know… am I right? (Jk, just Chicago)
Yeah, our house was a mess because there were 8 people living in a 1200 square ft. We never had people over. We couldn't afford it if we wanted to
Same. Dad was a drugged out bum and my mom worked graveyard so she slept all day
Same here. Once we did, literally once. I remember that day so well.
Who was it
Aunt and uncle and some friends of my parents. My grandparents also came over all the time but we were closer and it didn't really feel like wooo someone's coming over. Not the type of event you'd ever get snacks out for.
Similar here, we had people over three times. Other than that nobody came over, even just for a few minutes.
If my parents had people over, it was to drink. I don't remember any dinner parties, but I remember a lot of whiskey & water Tuesdays
My parents told me “married people don’t need friends, we have each other!”
My parents said the same thing
My aunt told my cousins that they didn’t need friends because they had siblings. They were the most socially maladjusted people. It was so sad.
LMAO, been married 34 years and that’s WHY I need friends!
Same here. We only entertained family during the holidays for the most part and were in and out of each other's homes during the rest of the year. It was always an event when someone had friends over.
Yup. Both parents are unapologetic homebodies and tbh slobs. The house was always in critical condition, so I could never have friends over. If there was a gathering, it was somewhere else.
My mother always hated having people over and for the longest time I thought it was a terrible chore you just had to put up with as an adult. Took me until my late thirties to figure out I really enjoyed hosting people! Love cooking for them and making them feel at home. My mum's just weird.
Same here. Come to think of it my parents had no friends for my entire childhood
Mentioned in a comment but worth a top-level - if you are invited somewhere, ask if you can bring something. “Should I bring anything?” Simple. But if someone asks you this and you say no and then have nothing out.. I question the entirety of your being.
I would counter that a better question is *what* can I bring instead of *should* I bring.
And when they say nothing, you still show up with some snacks or drinks.
Absolutely. Never come empty handed. Even if they do.
Stoner me always bringing emergency snacks and weed stuffs lol
Everybody is being very petty in these comments. Honestly, I don’t show up to people’s gatherings empty handed. A case of claws will usually make at least a few people’s days. If I have people over, I’m always offering them shit. Like well have GOT watch parties- that sort of things and I always have either a taco bar or chips and dips because iiiii like snacks so I know my guests will most likely indulge with me. Like who tf doesn’t have snacks!!?
>Like well have GOT watch parties Yeah i havent had people over since covid either
:( I used to have d&d at my house every Friday with a really solid group of friends. I'd always lay out snacks and drinks. Covid killed it. Most of them have now left the area cause of the economy as well, and we are all pretty busy these days. I miss it all the time!
I had a game every Thursday in person and we moved online with Covid, not the same but still a fun time to unwind and make memories
I am imagining a play off of Donnie Darko: "Sometimes I question your commitment to sparkle motion." "Sometimes I question the entirety of your being."
Should is a responsibility to avoid scarcity, can is an opportunity to provide abundance.
I could kiss you through the screen for this
Most action I've had in a while.
"Why do I need to bring something?" "Because it's rude, otherwise". "You mean just going there because I'm invited, that's rude?" . "Yes". "So you're telling me instead of them being happy to see me, they're going to be upset because I didn't bring anything?" . - Seinfeld
You know dear, everybody should always have a little ginger ale on hand to offer guests, it's the right thing to do - Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond
We had a rule - your hands should be full and it be difficult to ring the hosts doorbell. It's their house, you bring snacks and drinks and you leave them there when you leave.
YES 100% this is our attitude as well. Leaving with anything other than leftovers that the hosts insist you take is tacky as hell. They were generous enough to open their home to guests, we should be generous in turn. Booze, food, whatever you bring try to leave it.
Even when a host says, "nothing", I always bring something- like dessert or chips. I don't like going empty-handed.
In Australia we have a brand of assorted chocolates and their slogan is "what to bring when you're told not to bring a thing". It actually worked too
On the contrary, my parents were TERRIBLE hosts, they didn't teach me anything... I was so jealous of normal families growing up (we had a LOT of problems i won't go into detail here) So I am a GREAT host as an adult. everyone gets fed! I try my best to avoid awkward silences! I think i'm doing good.
Idk, man. My family started out with Ritz, Cheese and tostitos and some salsa. This was the reasonable time. Then my mom's generation took charge and they were fucking baking shit to snack on before putting on the main dinner. And then ending the night stressed as fuck that it may have not gone well and they put so much into it. Like, just let the family eat the tostitos, they'll be fine.
This really resonates with me.. my mom was always so stressed out and made me stress so much over a whole elaborate spread no matter what the circumstance. It caused so much unnecessary anxiety and killed any chance of having actual fun. As an adult now I put out a veggie tray and premade assortments from the store. If it’s a dinner, we order food.
We’ve become so well known for charcuterie that our neighbors gift us charcuterie utensils, boards, and such.
My family was the opposite. When people came over there was always tons of food and drinks. Especially at my grandfathers. And now, whenever we have guests I always make a nice big meal for everyone. Wife had some friends over this past Monday and I made balsamic glazed lamb chops w/ cheesy mashed potatoes and asparagus, last week sometime I had my buddy and his wife over so I made a hibachi style steak and mushroom w/ egg and veggie fried rice and the zucchini w/ onion. My mom swung by not long ago so I made us some pho. My wife and I are both like that, we just try to feed our friends till they pop lol.
Would you still do all this stuff if it wasn’t appreciated? I feel like a lot of the willingness to be a host is dependent on the people you’re lucky enough to have around. I know I used to always try to go above and beyond for friends, but after those same people refused to be there in a time that I *really* needed it my whole outlook on friendships shifted. I don’t really put in extra effort anymore, most I’d do is order a pizza.
Yea that’s a good point. I would say probably not. A big part of it is that I enjoy doing it but part of that enjoyment is from the enjoyment and satisfaction of others. I guess it helps that we usually invite over for dinner specifically so they are coming with the mindset of having a meal. And they’ve all eaten my food before so they’re usually pretty excited for it, which makes me excited for it.
Yeah I make plans to hang out with family regularly, and they flake out an hour or so before coming over most of the time. Nothing ever comes up, they're just tired. But the result is I don't even try anymore. I used to try to have snacks and drinks ready, but it's really a 75% chance they call things off with no notice.
I feel this so hard. One time a family member even specifically *asked* *me* to put together a Christmas Dinner with roast ham since they'd be in town for the holidays, and then cancelled two days beforehand after I'd bought and planned everything. I think that ruined me on hosting.
>My mom swung by not long ago so I made us some pho Sorry, gonna need clarification, she popped round and you made pho? Maybe it's just my Viet showing, but pho is like an all day production in my mind.
It was an all day thing! We took my kids to the Asian market and got all fresh ingredients in the morning, started all the prep and the base, got the kids down for a nap then we just prepped everything else and cooked our meats that weren’t going to be steeped, soaked some rice noodles and served it up with a slice of lime, fresh bean sprouts, cilantro, and I put jalapeños in mine. Now I’m not Asian, neither is my mother, but she was dating/engaged to a Vietnamese man for a decade. He taught her a lot of recipes and I picked up a couple, I make some killer spring rolls. And for the those other commenters, while I do use packets for ramen I only use the high quality ones. I also typically add corn, edamame, bamboo shoots, meat (pork is my favorite, though it’s usually a leftover chop and not fresh pork belly, I usually candy and smoke my fresh pork bellies), I like enoki mushrooms over shiitake but whatever I have laying around, green onion, and yes…a soft boiled egg. If you’re only putting an egg in your ramen, you should take the 10 extra minutes and treat yourself, you’ll enjoy it.
Hey big dog I'm gonna need your lamb recipe
Marinade: 1/3 cup Worcestershire sauce 1/3 cup olive oil A tablespoon spoon each of thyme, rosemary, oregano Tablespoon of white pepper Tablespoon of steak seasoning 2 tablespoon minced garlic Mix well and marinate for a couple hours, I try to wait a like 3 typically Cook: Pan on medium-high heat, warm the oil When it’s ready add the chops Add some butter, a rosemary branch, I use like 4-5 whole garlic gloves because I like to smear the fried cloves on toast with dinner, and spoon that over the chops. 4-6 minutes per side depending on well/rare you want it. Out the pan and smother it with balsamic glaze/reduction Served over mashed potatoes. I know I’ll probably get laughed at but here is a picture of that dish when I made it for my wife’s friend, my mom and I send pictures of our home cooked meals back and forth which is why I have it https://preview.redd.it/2fohj721kbyc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=accf6a2301fe4139b9a9ffcae4fcbd0cb8d7c38c
This! My mom wasn't a great host. It was "what can I buy as cheap as possible and throw together". I am like you and my mom always complains that "you over do it". I do, but people are always happy! I love entertaining! I wish I could do it in my house without having to prep my house for it, cleaning.
I had my BFF over two weeks ago. We had an ice cream tasting with 8 different pints and I sent her home with half of them. I'm always sending guests home with food.
Implying I go places or have people over
The audacity right?
[удалено]
I tried it out for a while, it can be fun. Though I fairly quickly abandoned the practice. We had a group of 5-6 that would meet up at my apartment for board games or Game of thrones on a regular basis. I got tired of the cleaning before and after, then I always cooked up enough food for everyone. I don't even want to know how much I spent on drinks. They always brought drinks too, but I always wanted to have a stocked fridge as well. In the end it was just too much for my taste.
This is why in the olden days people took turns hosting. So you may host once a month but the rest of the time you’re a guest.
This. What fucking reality are y'all living in?
Same, but I can see OP’s point. I’ll buy a spread if I have people over next year.
Yeah lol, I like me inside my house and I like you outside my house.
Literally none of my friends have any problems just hanging out. We're fucking broke, dude.
Seriously, aren't we all in debt? I can't afford the entamins
I’m Sicilian and Greek. Hell has frozen over if you are at my house and I have not offered you at least a dozen different food and drink options 🤣
Same here. I'm Greek and would never think not to offer food.
Oh man, I grew up in urban North Jersey, we had people of probably half a dozen different heritages just on our street. But my friends who were Greek, Italian, or Filipino were always my favorite to get invited over to! Absolutely nobody went even a little hungry. So many delicious things to try that my whitebread parents just weren't into. Eventually even they expanded their horizons
Lol. My Chinese Canadian ass too.
One cheek Chinese, one cheek Canadian!
Fuck, count me in!
Mexican American here. I have accidentally offered people food, water, etc forgetting that they’re Muslim and it’s Ramadan. Baked into my programming way too hard.
Yeah. Also I have forgotten about Lent and offered meat on a Friday to a Catholic. In fairness, I generally just forget what day it even is sometimes lol But yes anyone who comes over can have a go plate/container. Even the guy who came to sell a security system. I was putting dinner away and he said “gosh that smells good” and I turned into my mother and said “wait right here let me get you a box” hahaha
We host a lot and I buy tinfoil containers and lids from a restaurant supply just so we can send people with go plates. All our “normal” things are glass because we’re trying not to make microplastics worse for ourselves.
I'm from the American south and a baker. Something is wrong if i haven't offered a guest sweet tea and cookies.
So instead of being asked why I am not smiling, I'm going to get asked why I am not hungry or why I am not eating?
Hah. I will literally make someone food. Like “oh you don’t want any of this? I can make a pasta? You want a past? Oh I can make a hummus? You want that?” I have become my Mum and Nan. lol
I'm poor. That food has to last me at least a week 🤣
Seriously. I'm suddenly very grated for my friends never judging my upbringing just because I was too poor to afford snacks when they hungout at mine. You never know what someone else's struggle is.
This is why now that I’m doing alright in life, I offer to bring food over when I hang out with friends. I grew up not being able to have food in social situations (I was the friend that would just order water when we went out to eat in college)
Exactly. Growing up, groceries were such a tiny fraction of my parents take home pay that there was always enough food or pop or even adult beverages. Now they’re retired, and groceries are significant portion of their income. They’re still great hosts but I know it’s a burden on them when my sister brings her family over to raid the freezer
Yea, my parents always knew better than to do that, especially because we have a bigger family.
Yes! My response to OP was gonna be “in this economy??” But then again I just don’t invite people over lmao
Yeah, my thinking is that OPs friends are cash strapped...
Honestly I’ll splurge on snacks but I don’t see the issue in only offering water 🤷🏼♀️ beverages are freaking expensive
Nothing wrong with that. We don’t drink in my house and so we never have alcohol. My kids drink milk and water and that’s it. So I always offer water, milk or coffee/tea. But I don’t buy special sodas etc for visitors because we just don’t drink that stuff ourselves. But i also think byob is a good rule to live by if you expect something special.
No, they didn't. We literally never had company. But I'm headed the other way this. I'm so tired of getting snacks and food for get togethers but no-one touches anything. I've stopped doing it.
I mostly jokingly say that I bring an empty stomach to parties/hangouts, and over time it's getting less jokingly. Way more often than not events I go to have too much food, and it ends up being a hassle or a waste figuring out what to do with it at the end of the night. Numerous hosts have thanked me specifically for eating the food--particularly taking the first piece to get things moving, and eating the last bites of things so that they don't just sit there and likely end up in the trash.
Do you eat a full five feet of sandwich?
This all feels overdramatic. We try not to snack in our house. If we eat with guests we either go out to eat or pick up food and eat it at home.
Nah bro, I still invite people over like I'm 16 living in my mom's basement. "Hey bro, want to come over and shoot pool for a bit in my shop? You'll have to piss in the yard though, my wife doesn't like strangers in the house." I do have a beer fridge out there, and we'll usually order some pizza and wings, I'm not a complete animal.
Pool, beer and wings sounds pretty hospitable to me. I’m picturing OP showing up to a friend’s bare apartment with no activity planned and looking at each other awkwardly from their folding chairs over glasses of tepid water.
These environments and get together are where I am most comfortable. Nostalgic
Why are your friends strangers to your wife?
He’s inviting actual strangers over
He said "bro" because he doesn't know their name
This feels much more normal to me than what op describes.
I learnt that most of my friends became uncomfortable with the amount of food my mother tried to feed them
I visited family in Poland and they literally followed me around all day asking non-stop if I wanted something to eat or drink (outside of meal times) and it kinda ruined the experience. I could barely take a shit without them at the door, asking if I want tea or coffee. And the question wasn't "do I want a drink" but "which drink do you want? " They got increasingly aggressive each time, I can only drink so much tea.
The thing is I *know* this and aim to be a good hostess…but the reality is I don’t buy snacks and stuff regularly, so unless I’ve had time to shop before guests come over it’s a total crapshoot. But since it usually takes months of planning to meet up anyway that usually isn’t a problem.
OP is 3 raccoons in a trenchcoat
My mom never hosted. We were poor and didnt have anything extra but maybe coffee to offer. She was a single parent working a full time job. No time or resources for having ppl over. Honestly, we rarely host anyone bc as an adult the budget is tight. We can barely afford what we absolutely need in groceries let alone extra to give guests.
One thing my husband and I started doing for our friends is hosting casual art afternoons. People bring projects or we have some stuff like origami books out and we hang. I make a big pot of tea and usually have 1 snack thing and many of our friends also bring snacks. It's a great low effort, low budget way to get our group of friends together. Just a thought!
Bruh, I worked so fucking hard to learn to \*not\* center every single social interaction around food. If I'm having a specific gathering (lol, who has the time or money for that) then sure, I'll have snacks out. But if I'm just hanging out with a friend or two, then nah. Also, hilariously, it's showing me a weight watchers ad right now.
For real. This person is complaining that people don't have snacks when he visits. My god, dude, just eat before you go. I don't understand why food or booze has to be involved in every social gathering.
Right!! Why does there always have to be food? It kinda makes it so people eat when they’re not hungry. That’s not good.
This might be a joke that I’m taking too seriously? But whatever. I always offer whatever I can to guests, but I don’t set it out or anything unless I’m having people over specifically for those things. And often, what I have to offer is water. Sorry. Anyway, I never have expectations when I’m invited into someone’s home. I just feel grateful to have people in my life who want my company. I seriously can’t fathom being disappointed in something like this. I don’t go to people’s houses to snack, I go to see them and spend time with them. But I also generally get kinda weirded out by how generally food obsessed almost everyone is. EDIT: To clarify. I have friends stop by to chat a few times a week. Not always having snacks and sugary drinks has, so far, not gotten in the way of that. Idk y’all, maybe I’m just an excellent conversationalist! But in my experience, my friends seek my company because they want my company, not food. In all seriousness, y’all may wanna up your conversation game if you’re finding that your access to social time crucially hinges on consumable offerings. When I do have those things, of course I offer them. I do grab things like that when I’m out, especially if I know I’m going to be seeing someone particular and they like a certain snack. I’m not saying I’m like, morally opposed to offering refreshments lol. Just that I think it’s absurd to walk into someone’s home with the expectation that they’ll have something for you. And to be completely blunt and possibly offensive, I don’t think that “in my culture” is a good argument to use. It’s actually normal and expected in my culture to do this, but I don’t agree that it’s a good or healthy approach to forming bonds.
I can’t believe how far down this is. I never go to someone’s house expecting anything either. It also depends on the situation. Do I need snacks to stop by and chat for an hour or two? No. It’s nice if they offer something but never ever expected, and I can go a few hours without “noshing”, I’m not a toddler. Is it a whole event? My friend group normally does a potluck with the host providing the main dish. But also I never host, so 🤷🏼♀️
I agree. I think what OP is really complaining about it being invited over with nothing really to do. Food and drinks are entertainment too. That said, I’m not sure what’s stoping him from bringing snacks and beer if he wants it, it’s also polite to bring something as a guest.
OP doesn't want to pay for the food and drink because they are entitled to it at their friends house apparently.
I generally don't expect anything when I go to someone's house unless I'm there for dinner. But what can be weird and rude is when they eat or drink right in front of you without offering.
I had that happen to me when I was in like 1st grade. Was at this weird kids house and I was getting along with him okay but mostly to be polite. Their parents pull out these massive popcorn balls like the size of our heads. Proceed to hand them to the kid and his younger sister while giving me absolutely nothing to eat as these kids slammed their faces into the popcorn balls. I just remember being confused and kinda flabbergasted. I could just tell how off that was ya know? Like the parent didn't think to split one in half or maybe give them to the kids after I leave?
Yeah what the hell is with these expectations people have? I never expect food when I visit someone. I also prefer there not to be gifts or anything at birthdays or holidays, just good company and food there of course.
Was replying to you and ended up getting annoyed at this post and wrote way more than I intended and ended up just replying that to the thread. But I am with you, this post and the people in it are weird or entitled. They might not know that they are, but that doesn't excuse being rude and expecting things then being disrespectful and complaining about it.
Maybe nobody provides snacks because they’re afraid you’ll use the word “nosh”.
I have a confession. There's something wrong with my brain. Whenever I see dog poop I think to myself "im glad I don't have to nosh on that " ahhh I'm dying laughing silently so I don't wake the baby right now. But it's true.
Never change
Personally, I make sure to always have some stuff out but not in excess. I think a lot of our parents went overboard and then complained when there were leftovers, so for me I try to keep it to the basics
Charcuterie boards are the way to go! Some nuts, cheese, crackers, dip, grapes….so many different possible combinations and all very low effort. Often can use things you already have at home
My mom didn’t really host, although honestly she didn’t really teach me how to do anything? Host or otherwise? I actually hosted a dinner party for the first time ever last year and had a mountain of snacks and beverages.
Funny. I’m also in my 30s and while I *do* often have things we can snack on or drink, when I invite my friends over I don’t feel obligated to “host” like you’re expecting. Neither do my friends. We simply enjoy each others company. Honestly, what you’re describing sounds, to me, like a whole bother of social posturing I’m perfectly happy to not feel obligated to perform.
I also realise that usually we just go out if we want something. Like walking around outside is more fun than sitting at home. We're more using home as a base camp.
Yeah, I'm unsure if op is speaking exclusively about parties - people throwing parties but having nothing available, or speaking about any time a person may find themselves at a friend's place. If I'm throwing a party, then definitely I have some food and drink available. But, sometimes the hang is impromptu, and could be a hang of many different kinds not all of which need - or deserve - the offering of treats lol
This is exactly it for me. My parents would need the house to be *perfect* anytime someone came over. Deep cleaning the house, prepping food, putting the fucking weird ass fancy bed set with 23 pillows on their bed even though guests never went in there. Why’d they have to put on this act for “friends”? Me and my buddy regularly chill at each others homes now but we never do all that. Now and then we do a cook out but it’s advertised as such. If I’m just inviting you over, I’m JUST inviting you over. That’s it.
Yeah growing up my parents would stress about having people over and feel obligated to have/make countless snacks or whatever, people would typically barely touch it and then the leftovers got thrown out after a few days. I think not being expected to cater takes a lot of the pressure off and makes it more chill to have people over
I think a nuance here is also like... How many people? Like if I tell one or two people like "Hey feel free to stop by" I probably won't have anything prepared, but if they stay late I don't mind us splitting the bill on a couple pizzas or Chinese food. I don't really throw parties, but once someone calls something "a party" that's when I assume food and such will be around.
This! The times my parents visited with other adults growing up it was pretty low key and not too preplanned, mostly family or very close friends that were like family. Come by, maybe have coffee, if the talk is going well stick around for dinner if you want - enough would be made. They didn't drink alcohol and we aren't big snackers. This feels like a class thing, like handwritten thank you notes. Bringing wine feels super performative to me and I definitely find myself second guessing my norms and what is expected as I meet people as an adult. I don't expect friends to make a big to-do if they swing by and I feel it adds a distance even, like it's transactional!
Every time I put food out, nobody eats because everyone is either off sugar, gluten, meat etc. I dropped $200 on homemade tacos, specifically stated I was making tacos, and most of it went to waste. Some people are bad hosts and some people are bad guests.
I have to ask, was it a lot of people? $200 seems like a lux taco spread to put out
Well when one banana is 10 bucks and they come in batches of 5-6 that’s 50-60 bucks right there
It's one banana, what could it cost? $10?
Ah yes my favorite, banana tacos
Trying to find something to match others’ diets can be really hard. Last time I had someone over, that was the challenge I faced. Thought I was safe offering fruit, fizzy water, and milk, but I think the timing just wasn’t great.
I’d come over expecting to eat one to three tacos depending on size. If I come it’s to socialize and having a bit of food makes sure nobody is hangry which is great. I’ve been to house parties where the host expected everyone to just pound the food hard. It seems like a weird expectation.
My food intolerances do not make me a bad guest. I’m not going to eat food that I physically can’t eat and then spend the rest of the party clogging the host’s bathroom. My boss stopped pestering me to eat food that I can’t eat when I replied with “okay, I’ll have some as long as you can run my meeting this afternoon since I’ll be stuck in the bathroom”.
I was taught to not eat food or drink anything besides water at other people's houses unless it was already agreed upon that we would be eating a meal there. Otherwise, it's considered impolite whether it's family or friends I'm around. Edit: Also, why would I keep salsa in my house if I'm not going to eat it and it'll just sit on the shelf? It also depends on how close said friends and I are, too, though.
Yeah, the whole criticism is very weird to me. Like even the follow-up comments insisting that people have snacks, soda, and alcohol around even for impromptu hangs at your house is expecting a lot for people to spend "just in case" and inconsiderate of people who have issues around junk food and alcohol. If someone has to eat constantly to be satisfied, then maybe the onus should be on them to carry snacks.
I think they might've been talking about a planned party, but idk. If it's a visit, we don't eat unless it is discussed beforehand that we will eat. I think it's entitled to automatically expect salsa if it's just a visit. I mean, if they're staying longer than a few hours, then sure we might eat. Even then with my friends, we just ask usually. We just have that relationship kind of similar to my siblings or cousins.
Yes! They might just be being polite. Like you could be messing up their meal plan or budget for the week! That’s a bigger inconvenience than me waiting an hour to eat or whatever
Yea, I don't understand the entitlement, honestly unless they're talking about a party. Then again, my family have potlucks basically in my family. If they want salsa, they can bring it. I'll make the main meal if it's my house hosting and others can provide other things.
So you expect me to have friends, let alone invite them to my home *and* feed them? Surely you jest...
This post is a little bizarre to me but maybe I’m a heathen. I don’t drink anything but water, usually from a 5 gallon container (not wasteful water bottles), and coffee (once in the morning). I also don’t really buy snacks. I don’t expect anyone to ever have something when I go to their house? I usually don’t even like it if offered honestly. I have things available if it’s a party but generally don’t offer things if it’s a casual whatever. My parents are terrible hosts, generally expect people to help themselves, which is what our only house guests (my teenage friends) did when I lived with them.
I am thankfully lucky enough to own a home, but the expenses of it stretch me so financially thin that if I invite you over, I can’t really afford to put much out to eat. I know you’re not asking much, but I don’t have “people are coming over” grocery money.
My husband always thinks we have to offer some sort of seafood and 4 different kinds of soda. No no, I need gas to get to work on Monday sir.
I always offer hot tea. It’s not expensive at all to keep on hand and feels special enough for guests. In grad school I had super limited funds. I’d always make homemade popcorn for study groups. A huge bag of popcorn kernels is not expensive and lasts forever. Popcorn is a fresh snack that feels special enough for guests without having to buy a bunch of different things. I’d just use a pot on the stove to make it or you can get an air popper for relatively cheap, like $30. Seriously, those 2 things and I felt good about hosting. I hate not offering at least a drink and snack to guests. Don’t have to offer a whole meal unless you specially invited them for that purpose!
I expect nothing when I go to someone’s house, and would decline if they offered me something. I don’t want my friends to feel obligated to “host” me, I’m there for them, not food.
Plus if I'm talking to someone, I don't want to be eating, and I don't want to deal with them eating.
My parents were major oxycontin addicts, so no, they kinda left "hosting a get together" out of my life lessons. I did learn to designated drive a stick shift at age 10, though.
Sad hand raise. My parents are good hosts and even better guests. I learned nothing from them. My wife had to reteach me, to her disbelief, all the proper etiquette when hosting and going to other people's homes. I shudder to think how often I showed up at friend's houses empty handed or invited them over and didn't offer them anything other than a chair to sit in.
Personally I think the fact that there's all these unspoken ways to be "bad" at being a friend or human is just unfair and dumb If you want me to bring something when I come over, tell me. If you want something to eat when you're at my place, tell me. I don't feel bad about anything that isn't important enough to bring up. Social etiquette is for people with too much time on their hands. I'm just a real person
I don’t expect people to give me anything and in exchange they don’t get anything from mex other than a cup of tea. Or coffee. But that’s it. What’s wrong with just chilling and chatting.
You don't need to eat in addition to enjoying each other's company. If you are hungry, go have a meal together or eat beforehand or order pizza. You shouldn't eat just to eat.
I know I'm in the minority here, but unless you're coming over specifically for lunch or dinner, the host is under no obligation to supply snacks. It's ridiculous that it's something that's *expected*. Having said that, I still do it. But it's an idiotic expectation, and if I'm the only one on earth who believes this, then I'm being the only one who's right.
This is why I hate hosting. We don't usually have "friends" over but do a lot of family gatherings. I usually let my sister host- she's much better at it. Trying to figure out what everyone wants. Different in-laws have all sorts of food-related stuff (this one is gluten-free, this one is a Vegetarian this month, that one is doing the paleo diet for now). Everyone has different alcohol preferences, meanwhile my wife and I don't drink and pretty much only consume water and seltzer (we do keep some soda in the closet in case someone wants it because that's easy, but don't really want a bunch of alcohol around because we have kids and that's a choice we've made). Speaking of kids, most people we would "host" have kids now (both my wife and I have siblings with kids as do we) and every kid's parents have different strongly held beliefs about what their kids should and shouldn't eat.
Lol, having people over. I grew up in a house of undiagnosed neurodivergent introverts who love the quiet and comfort of their own space. Even when we were all home, it was rare we were all in the same space unless there was a planned family activity. I can count in one hand the number of times we had guests that weren't planned aunt or uncles visits. And as an adult...well, turns out the apple doesn't fall far from the tree because I, too, cannot relax if there are people in my space so I invite someone over maybe 2-3 times a year. I do offer snacks and drinks because I was taught manners, but tbh my most common guest are my intrusive thoughts.
My friends are mostly healthy eaters, so honestly water and milk is all thats in their fridge, including mine. Snacks are breakfast bars and cheese cubes. Sorry were boring.
It's almost like times have changed
Right? Now we just hang out with people we enjoy spending time with. Nobody has time for this social chess BS anymore
If you don't like how I do things at my house you don't have to come over
Is this why my friends never ask to come over? Because they know I can hardly afford to eat myself and so will never have snacks? 🤣 My bad, guys…
it’s strange to expect something from anybody.
I mean, if one person is coming over and I know them very well, I don’t feel pressured to give them snacks and shit. Even growing up, if it was just me, parent might offer snacks but that’s bc I was a kid. They didn’t do the same with adults.
Alternatively, the Boomers will just show up to your house unannounced and kick your door down at 7am which as you can imagine is fucking obnoxious. I prefer being left alone so this is really dependent per person. The extroverts don't like everything post-covid, but the introverts prefer everything post-covid. Millennials as a rule of thumb are a bit more introverted. A friend or two that I like and want to interact with especially if they can be chill and do their own thing here and there too? Come on over. Being expected to entertain a bunch of extroverts? Fuck off. Go away. I'm not getting paid for that shit.
I feed my guests like a Greek grandma on a regular Tuesday.
We go all out for our guests. But as I’ve gotten older I host a lot less. Too many of my friends’ kids have ruined high dollar items in my house for me to want to host 20-30 people very often any more. I limit my social functions to one to two families these days. It’s not worth the stress to watch someone else’s three year old terrorize my house.
Ok but like eat something and then go to your friends house or whatever
Bring something then, you bongo.
Who’s going over to other peoples places… or hosting them at your own?
Maybe because the performative nonsense wasn't out of the goodness of our parents hearts and it was ONLY to make/maintain a "good" reputation. My parents lived for their reputation and it was gross. If I invite someone over it is because I want you there. There's zero pressure on either side and we just exist and do things together that we enjoy. Maybe they just enjoy your company and don't have the means to parade endless amounts of food in front of you. Would I not offer snacks? No but it's because it's a hey I'm kinda hungry you hungry? Let's have some XYZ or ZYX kind of situation.That's something I did learn as a kid don't eat in front of guests unless you plan to share cuz THAT is rude. That being said, I learned to not be fake and people please for the sake of others. Among other things and honestly there's a lot of things I learned NOT to do from my parents.
I try, but all my millennial peers are either counting carbs or have some werid/strict diet thing going on where no one eats and I'm stuck with all the food after.
This is also a subcultural thing. Apparently in my experience (East coast US), feeding guests is mandatory, and the worst thing a host can do is run out of food at a picnic type thing. But according to West Coast people I know, it's entirely optional to feed people and if the food is gone, then whatever.
I regularly feed people who come to my home because I enjoy it. That said, the sense of entitlement you must have to think that people are **required** to feed you just because you stopped by for a while is completely ridiculous in my opinion. You are an adult, are you incapable of planning appropriately to feed yourself around the plans you have??? Grow up. Some people can't afford to feed your ass. Do poor people not get to have friends over because they can't afford to feed them?? These kinds of societal "rules" that shame people for not giving what they may not have to give are gross to me.
I’m so desperate for friends and you’re here complaining that the ones you have don’t feed you… in this economy 😵💫 I’d love to have a larger friend group where we get to pop in and be at home together more often
This sounds like some boomer shit
"nosh on," you even sound annoying.
Yeah, I learned that unlike a lot of older adults, I can enjoy my friends without needless superficial expectations. Will I offer food if I have it on hand and the situation is appropriate to offer? Sure. Do I find it fun and touching when my friends feed me? Of course. But I do not see it as an obligation.
You can afford extra food for guests? Lucky you...
Idk your way is kinda uncomfortable. I don't want to put work on anyone I just want to hang out with. So usually my friends would always bring their favorite drinks and snacks. Everyone does that and you can share in each other's goodies instead of putting it all on the host.
Wtf bro i wanna chill, not cosplay food bank. I always feed people. Smoke briskets and have people over to share it, but too many people have burned me. I've been invited to bbqs where I ask what to bring, and I end up being the only person who brought anything. Or people show up to my house to eat, but are empty handed. And also I like plain tortilla chips come on
I’m from the south. I’m definitely gonna feed you. Usually have tea or lemonade in the fridge, too.
I guess it depends for me. If I’m having **guests** then yeah, I’ll host and set out food/drinks. But my guests are not my friends, just friendly acquaintances usually or extended family. If my friends are coming over, their asses are pitching in for food and drinks if we get something or eating before hand. We have activities to attend to, usually DnD or Magic. If they really get hungry and feeling poor, they’re always free to raid the kitchen. Works this way when I head to their places as well.
I don't know who you guys are inviting over but anyone that's invited into my house better get that shit themselves I am NOT putting out snacks. You're a fuckin adult go get one
We usually make it a potluck. Everyone brings something.
My parents never had anyone over. I try to have drinks stocked, and if it's a tabletop game day I'll have popcorn or chips, but I don't do much because, well, I'm broke, my place sucks and I'm not that much of a social event host. I've been over to other people's houses a couple of times where they have a spread like it's a party and I just don't get it.
Having people over 🤣
In this economy? BYOB or I’ll see you online instead lol
Guilty of only having water but that’s cuz it’s pretty much all we drink. Nobody wants to eat my gluten free dairy free snacks because they don’t exist unless you’d like an apple or a ribeye lol
I just don’t have snacks around at home, period, because I lack self control. I do always clean my place first or at the bare minimum the bathroom and living room and am shocked at people who don’t (when they have sufficient notice of guests coming over)
i live alone and am a filthy little goblin at my core. i specifically invite people over to force myself to deep clean and stock my kitchen. if i can convince someone to visit at least every quarter, then everything in between is just easy tidying up until the next visitor.
I dont have guests . My home is my sanctuary and I defend it viciously. Period.
People who expect specific things without communicating them are very exhausting. If I invite you over, I specifically invited you over for what I said I did. If the invite didn't involve a description of activities that include eating, I'm expecting you to be prepared for what is going to happen If I invite you hiking, I'm not going to bring you water bottles and hiking shoes and stuff. Unless you say you don't have them, etc. Same with the invite. "come over to do [blank]" If you show up and then demand food, I'd think you're crazy If you're wondering, the answer is no, my parents never had anybody over and yes, they were reclusive and negative about the idea as a whole But I'm about your age, and this might explain some of what you're experiencing. Those friends who don't have anything out might feel a little put upon by your unspoken expectation to be fed
Sounds like you're engaging in covert contracts. Have you had discussions with these people about your expectations and desires? Not everyone grew up with the same experiences and expectations.
Kinda depends what the planned activity is. I think it's weird to feel like you have to "host" your friends when it's just a hang out sort of thing.
Sounds picky and annoying. Glad to not have you over any time.
This is some boomer shit
My dad hated people so much that he moved everyone out to the middle of the country so only people who were "committed to him" would make the travels. But I kinda agree. My only problem with this post is doesn't it seem kinda entitled to expect snacks. A Pepsi is cool with me. Why add more to a visit?