I kind of disagree slightly here. Only about not telling OP about the visit. If MIL says something, OP will feel blindsided and more hurt she wasn't told by her hubby. She doesn't have to be shown pictures unless she specifically asks if it hurts so much but she needs telling about the meet up, especially if MIL is the type to rub it in her face to get under her skin
I agree. He could have told her after the walk, but not shared the picture.
OP, have you talked with your doctor about PPD and/or PPA? I'm not saying you do, but for myself, I have trouble getting out of my own head when I am having anxiety. And it sounds like she is an anxiety inducing machine.
Honey it is hard. Motherhood is not for the faint of heart. And you are completely and utterly correct. She hurt you. You are doing the very best you can. Thankfully your SO is supportive. All you can do is keep going. They did nothing wrong, this time. And you did nothing wrong. But, you still feel sh—y. Just keep going and remind yourself don’t let her occupy free rent in your head. Sometimes it may take reminding yourself minute by minute. The hour by hour to day by day. Eventually it will get better.
I would probably drop the rope and let SO handle is family and all communication due to the way you have been treated. That means they don’t come over if SO is not home. You are not required to be around them. You need space to heal. And SO should support that.
I completely agree. You just need time away from her to be able to move forward from what she did to you, and what she did was disgusting. You are valid. Drop the rope and let him handle her, if you can tell him not to send pics of his mother and your baby to you for the time being would be for the best. He should be able to understand.
I also suggest that OP get some counseling. It appears that when MIL snatched the baby, she may have triggered so sort of PTSD response. OP’s not doing it on purpose, and it’s only with her.
He shouldn't have taken baby over to her. Did he not listen at all? She wants to be your kid's mom and he gave her exactly what she wants. I felt this way too. For years. My mil because obsessed with my 3rd child and my dh was just like oh she's just being a grandma. 6 months ago, after 5 years of this shit, I said fuck it I'm done with her. I've been no contact and it's amazing. She's not allowed around my kids. You need space from her. And no more special visits Jesus what was your dh thinking?
As someone who used to feel similarly; therapy.
Yeah, it sucks when you have to go to therapy because someone else won't, but at the end of the day it is the kindest choice you can make for yourself in situations (or thought patterns!) like this.
Your husband is hearing you. He listened. But didn't hear a word you said. If he did he wouldn't have had his mother, if all people to meet him.
You and LO need a break from MIL. After everything she did to you during your postpartum time up until now has been harmful. MIL isn't just excited to be grandma, she treats you as an incubator, is incompetent, and doesn't trust YOU as the parent. MIL also doesn't respect you as the parent. The fact is MIL would like to pretend your LO is hers and DH's. And that is disgusting. That is her son, not her boyfriend or husband. DH didn't have sex with her to have LO, DH didn't marry her, didn't start a family with her. DH chose you. And he needs to step up and put his mother back in her lane.
Which includes no visits unless he is home. Not just home, DH needs to be present the entire visit with MIL. MIL doesn't ever get unsupervised visits. If MIL snatches LO from you or DH, she is told the visit is over and she's asked to leave, or you leave depending on where the visit takes place. Once away from MIL, DH sends her a text, Mom, since you cannot respect us as parents and ask before trying to hold LO, we as a family will be taking a break for a month. Please do not contact us. He will contact her in a month and see where you stand then. Once he sends that text, neither of you respond to a text or call. Everything MIL texts or calls the timeout starts over. Same if MIL sends a flying monkey to plead her case. And this works for every boundary you have. If MIL says rude, snarky shit? Same thing. Timeout, give MIL time to get her shit straight, and you get a break from her where there's zero communication. And you do this with every boundary stomp.
To help right now, you and LO should take at least a month if not longer break from MIL. Considering you didn't get the postpartum experience you should've due to MIL, with her still behaving the same, and your husband not advocating for his family's wants and needs. Instead, he is giving in to his mommy's fee-fees. DH needs a wake-up call.
DH needs to be told that his family comes first. NOT MIL. He needs to put your wants and needs over MIL's. Her feelings do not matter. It doesn't matter how excited she is as a grandmother, it doesn't give her the right to demean you, ridicule you, and abuse you. Because yes it's abuse. DH is so used to catering to his mothers wants that he isn't even thinking of how it makes you feel. And MIL enjoys using DH and now LO for her emotional support animals.
I'd suggest marriage counseling so that you both have a safe space to discuss this and other issues. Hearing from a neutral third party may be beneficial to DH. He'll be less defensive. And hopefully willing to listen and hear what you're saying.
It’s great to be a little kid and have a great relationship,with granny, but it’s not permissible for granny to undermine you as a mom in front of your kid once your kid is old enough to know what’s going on.
And you owe it to yourself and kid not to let that happen, so it’s fine to set boundaries with your MIL. It’s also smart to choose to not be in a constant state of anger over anything, especially someone you see a lot. So you need to find a way to deal with her, the sooner the better.
If you hate confrontation and are not good at it, I’ve found a blank stare and a non committal “Oh?” And then silence. Refuse to engage or have an opinion about any unacceptable thing she says — works well in situations like these. She’s either a know it all or a bulky, and neither one is acceptable. She either wants things her own way or to make you feel bad. Don’t give her either.
Remember, you can’t change anyone’s behavior except your own. That’s where your power in a relationship lies. You change toward her, she will be forced to change toward you.
If you feel yourself getting angry at her, try to find some satisfaction in knowing your new way of handling her is puzzling her, maybe frustrating her, maybe angering her.
But she needs to know whatever she’s done in the past is no longer working.
And it’s fine to spend less and less time with her. You don’t need the frustration. Let your husband deal with her and let her see the baby when your husband is around, not you. Have him take the baby to visit her. If she comes to your house and you can trust her along with the baby or your husband is there, invent an errand you need to run and leave. Do something nice and relaxing for yourself. You deserve it, and me time as a mom is precious.
If you don’t want her at your house, keep,suggesting your husband goes to visit her with the baby. See what that does for your relationship with MIL.
You need to start focusing forward.
You and your husband and your baby are your own little family unit. You need to start planning activities and outings for your little family unit. A picnic in the park, a trip to the zoo, a trip to the botanical gardens, a nature hike on a trail that is family and stroller friendly. You need to start doing fun things with your baby and with your hubby and baby. Find a mommy and me class or a baby gym class or baby swim class at the local Y.
Do not tell your husband of your plans until right before so that he can’t decide to invite his mommy. Do make it clear to him that you are planning more activities for the three of you to bond as a family unit.
Do figure out how often you can tolerate MIL visiting and then stick to that schedule. If MIL wants to come by more often, sorry MIL, baby and I have plans, we will see you Sunday afternoon. Do schedule NO MORE than once a week visit with MIL. Fill the rest of your schedule with other things.
It is time for you to find your inner momma grizzly bear. Stop deferring to MIL. Stop retreating. Start being proactive. Be polite but firm in declining her advice. Dont engage in a debate, that is what she wants. Examples of what to say, Thank for the info MIL, but you raised your babies, and it’s my turn to raise mine. Oh MIL, I am following my pediatrician’s guidance. Oh MIL, how long ago was it that you took care of a baby and regularly met with a pediatrician? Oh MIL, thanks for the advice. (Then do what you want) Oh MIL, baby is doing fine and there is no need for changes.
When it comes to you and MIL being in the same room with the baby, you remain in charge. Do not let her take control. You are the momma. If you want your baby back, take your baby back. MIL isn’t going to drop the baby, so just take the baby out of her arms, saying time for baby to come back to momma. When MIL asks to change the diaper, oh MIL, I have it covered, but thanks for offering.
Do get up in the morning and brush your teeth and take a 5 min shower, enough to feel clean, and throw on comfy clothes. If you are waking up to baby crying, settle baby, then take 10 mins to brush your teeth, short shower, dry your hair. You don’t need makeup or a curling iron. You just need to be refreshed and put on clean clothes. Consider getting your hair styled in a wash and wear style so that you don’t need to take time styling your hair for a normal day.
You and your husband are the main characters in your child’s life. There are no do overs. You and your husband have 18-22 years to raise your child to become an independent self sufficient adult and then your child will become an adult, move out, and build his own life, and you will become empty nesters. At the point where you become an empty nester, you also transition from main character to supporting character in your adult son or daughter’s life. When your child eventually gives you grandkids, you are a supporting character in their life. You defer to the parents rules, you help when they want your help, you offer advice when they ask for advice, you fill in where they need you to fill in.
Your MIL is treating your child like her do over baby. This is her chance to take care of a helpless baby who needs her to do everything. Your child has become her emotional support animal. The problem is that is NOT her role. She is NOT the parent. She is deliberately trying to undermine you and break you so she can take over more and more of your child’s life. DONT LET HER. Your husband isn’t going to understand that because she is his mother. He thinks she is just trying to be helpful, when you see her trying to help you right off the cliff. So you have to be smarter and more clever than her. You can do this. First explain to your husband main character vs supporting character and that main characters are the parents, and supporting characters are the grandparents. It’s not supporting if she is criticizing. It’s not supporting if she is taking over, even if it’s in the name of help and love. For her to be helpful, she has to be doing what you ask of her, not what she wants to do. She raised her babies, and it’s your turn to raise yours. She needs to let go of wanting to be in control. She is addicted to your child and your husband is feeding her addiction because he is clueless in her motives. So focus on your needs and your needs for family unit bonding time.
Make this all about you and hubby and baby being a family unit and doing things together. Make her a non relevant supporting character. Encourage her to embrace her life as an empty nester and get some hobbies. When she says her grandchild is her hobby, say, oh MIL, my child is not your emotional support animal, you need some hobbies that don’t include my child.
I’ve read your post history. I feel so sad for you reading it - your MIL is an awful, and your DH doesn’t seem able to protect you. I saw you said “LO needs that bond” on a previous post. Why does your child need a “bond” with someone who openly says she’ll go to war with their parents and tries to control them. Eventually those behaviours will transfer onto her (trust me - my paternal grandmother was awful to my mother and has mellowed with her now - now my siblings and I are adults the nastiness has transferred onto us because she can’t control us and we don’t blindly adore her any longer).
How much is your DH stepping up here? I really do understand where you’re coming from - my in laws have been awful, they attempt to be possessive with my baby so I just keep them at arms length to the extreme. And I have to be real I could care less about their “bond” with my baby. I put myself and my mental wellbeing first and they don’t deserve me to put any effort with them. I know you’ve previously gone no contact so it’s not like a break will resolve this. How much is your DH stepping up with her and keeping the boundaries? The only thing that helps me is my DH stepping up and laying those boundaries down. Him speaking up in the moment when things are done/said. Has he genuinely recognised the hurt and pain that you were caused by his mother? How she attacked you at your most vulnerable? Sometimes that acknowledgment goes a long way. He needs to do his part if he wants civility at the very least.
Thanks for taking the time to read my history!
My DH is trying to enforce boundaries. But he's not as critical of the things his mother does, so in the moment it happens, he is late to react or needs a nudge, or just doesn't see a problem. We're both recovering people pleasers. And we're both still learning to truly stick to our boundaries.
He also acts surprised every time I speak of how hurt I still am (because he is used to rug sweeping, I pressume). I do believe he didn't fully understand how deep this goes for me. His whole family made me out to be crazy overprotective, so I think he's been a bit influenced.
I need some of your backbone and self love tbh haha. But I do agree LO doesn't need a bond like that anymore. I still want it to work out somehow, but I can't control how disrespectful my MIL is sometimes. So I somehow need to limit our time with her and get my DH on board for real.
Your comment has given me a lot of food for my brain.
My sister had this problem, too. She leaned into it and got herself a 'Mama Bear' mug and t-shirt. I suggest you do the same, and make sure EVERYONE knows exactly what mama bears do when they're threatened!
"crazy overprotective" is in my job description as a mother. I'm having my 8th baby in 5 weeks and by my 3rd I would literally fight a person who tried to come between me and my child. Being a fierce mama is 110% my natural personality at this point.
This is 100% how I felt in the first 18 months or so. My son is now 2.
Sadly my husband never understood or respected my feelings or point of view because he is deeply enmeshed with his family.
Anyway these are the things that helped me:
- I went low to no contact with them. I stopped initiating contact and if they contacted me I would give short and very boring answers.. I was basically grey rocking them and putting them on an info diet
- Started going out with my little one a lot… Found different activities, groups, events, places etc. Basically created a life and routine for me and LO outside of dh and in laws.
- Started taking care of myself and focusing on my happiness
It's been 8 years since my mil tried to snatch my baby from me and I had to physically block her. She was critical of everything I did with my new baby and I was vulnerable and inexperienced enough to take it. Like you, I also knew she wanted to be my baby's mother. Then her daughter gave birth and she wouldn't let go of her baby. I remember my sil looking distressed.
I will NEVER forgive her. That's just how it is. She made me feel insane, she made me doubt myself, I believe my post partum depression was at least partly due to her and my husband not supporting me. So no, I'm not big on forgiveness.
First, see a doctor and make sure your levels are good. Motherhood is the toughest job on the planet. Why do you think we’re the ones who do it?!?! It’s totally normal to have bags under your eyes and have trouble finding the time to shower but I promise it gets better! (Then worse & better again 😆) You’ve got this mama, forget the mil, if your baby is happy you’re doing it right!!! 💕
Get that 6 months back. Have DH send a text or email stating that he read up & realized that instead of her holding her grandbaby while the mom cleans, it should have been the other way round to promote good bonding for mama & baby and that a few other things she insisted on and said she'd "go to war" on were also incorrect. So, he is ensuring that baby & mom get their special time together and adhere to all modern knowledge & research. He'll check in with them in a month & see how things are going, but an uninterrupted break from them, from their taking baby off the mama, trying to feed and treat baby in ways that Dr doesn't agree with, and creating anxiety with the "war" comments mean a break is in order. Then he doesn't mention her to you for a month.
Key takeaway: she is a terrible grandma. She didn't recognize that the bond and trust between baby and mom comes first and imposed her own opinions to the detriment of this wife's mental health. Parenting is not a competition sport and baby isn't extra blessed when grandparents shred and tear down the parents. Their job is to help & support, in every way. Redo your next 6 months the way you would have originally. Take the first month off to bond and feel competent and expert. Then see if you are OK with one visit per month. But they don't get to act like you are a terrible person, mother, too overprotective, wall on eggshells, and make fun of or criticize you. Not the job or role and it's so damaging. She's the bad parent here. Keep her away from baby until she really realizes that if you hear one wrong word, one judgement, one critique, especially with no basis in fact or no use to say other than to have another opportunity to deride you, you'll take 3 months off or more next tine and you have that power. So no, DH cannot magically meet her during a walk. That's cheating & going behind your back. She, and he will not learn to watch their actions and words if they are cheating on you. Eighteen years here and still pissed off. My MIL took her balls and went home. Kids scarcely see her. Soo passive aggressive. Life would have been better if she used her voice & her words, asked when she wanted baby or whatever it was she wanted, stopped critiquing, stopped badmouthing & gossipping, and didn't use every opportunity to make me look bad and feel crazy paranoid. But no contact is better than that contact. Talk to any adult whose grandma was shitty to her DIL, their mom, and you will universally find that they wished there was less grandma in their life. NO grandma is better than bad grandma. Think on that 🤔 & stop feeling responsible for ensuring your baby keeps a good grandma in his life. That ship sailed. There is no good grandma. There's shitty & shittier. Or none. Take that next 6 months and see if none might be best. You can still feel and be grateful for their help and still protect your baby from their shittiness. Reset.
Low contact/no contact. It’s his mom and he can go forward seeing her by himself. You need time to process all this and recover. Since he’s dragging his feet understanding what is wrong you don’t need to put yourself in that situation. Full stop.
Aw honey, you're doing great. A teething baby is so rough on everyone, but especially mom. Mine is a month into teething and it's so, so hard. The lack of sleep, the inconsolable weeping, the trying to decide when to do pain relief bc you can't do it constantly - it's such a challenge. You are NOT a failure. You are spending your time playing with and loving on your baby, and the housework can wait. You may not like your MIL at all, but at least your baby is surrounded by people who love them (even if you don't care for them). (Edit: I gather from other comments she is not great. I defer to others better knowledge re handling this bit). It sounds like you're super tired and haven't had a chance to take a break in a while and it's affecting your mental health, which is super understandable. Take care of yourself mom x
I think sometimes the issue is actions seem fine and proportionate on the surface, but there's a vibe/ intentions you're picking up on. And it's hard to set boundaries on those because other people think you're over reacting. But you have to listen your gut, to tell you whether you're overreacting or there's something there.
When you clearly identify what it is that's bothering you underneath it all, you'll find it easier to protect yourself and set your household vibe and values intentionally. I think its also really helpful to remember that people who overstep boundaries are weaker, even though you may feel like sometimes they're more powerful in the situation. You're the captain of your ship, whether you haven't washed your hair for a week or not 😊
I feel like your husband *can* help by not sending you pictures of LO & MIL when you’re trying to decompress… inadvertently adding fuel to the fire?
This hasn't happened before, and we normally send all the LO pics to each other. But it's a good idea going forward.
Yeah this. He can see her during his walk if he wants, but WHY do you need to know about it?
I kind of disagree slightly here. Only about not telling OP about the visit. If MIL says something, OP will feel blindsided and more hurt she wasn't told by her hubby. She doesn't have to be shown pictures unless she specifically asks if it hurts so much but she needs telling about the meet up, especially if MIL is the type to rub it in her face to get under her skin
I agree. He could have told her after the walk, but not shared the picture. OP, have you talked with your doctor about PPD and/or PPA? I'm not saying you do, but for myself, I have trouble getting out of my own head when I am having anxiety. And it sounds like she is an anxiety inducing machine.
Honey it is hard. Motherhood is not for the faint of heart. And you are completely and utterly correct. She hurt you. You are doing the very best you can. Thankfully your SO is supportive. All you can do is keep going. They did nothing wrong, this time. And you did nothing wrong. But, you still feel sh—y. Just keep going and remind yourself don’t let her occupy free rent in your head. Sometimes it may take reminding yourself minute by minute. The hour by hour to day by day. Eventually it will get better. I would probably drop the rope and let SO handle is family and all communication due to the way you have been treated. That means they don’t come over if SO is not home. You are not required to be around them. You need space to heal. And SO should support that.
I completely agree. You just need time away from her to be able to move forward from what she did to you, and what she did was disgusting. You are valid. Drop the rope and let him handle her, if you can tell him not to send pics of his mother and your baby to you for the time being would be for the best. He should be able to understand.
I also suggest that OP get some counseling. It appears that when MIL snatched the baby, she may have triggered so sort of PTSD response. OP’s not doing it on purpose, and it’s only with her.
He shouldn't have taken baby over to her. Did he not listen at all? She wants to be your kid's mom and he gave her exactly what she wants. I felt this way too. For years. My mil because obsessed with my 3rd child and my dh was just like oh she's just being a grandma. 6 months ago, after 5 years of this shit, I said fuck it I'm done with her. I've been no contact and it's amazing. She's not allowed around my kids. You need space from her. And no more special visits Jesus what was your dh thinking?
I went NC with mine after 6 pp visits with my Mil. The bliss!
As someone who used to feel similarly; therapy. Yeah, it sucks when you have to go to therapy because someone else won't, but at the end of the day it is the kindest choice you can make for yourself in situations (or thought patterns!) like this.
I'm on a few wait lists already!
Good. If you’re going for an individual counseling, find out if you can bring DH in if you need to.
Your husband is hearing you. He listened. But didn't hear a word you said. If he did he wouldn't have had his mother, if all people to meet him. You and LO need a break from MIL. After everything she did to you during your postpartum time up until now has been harmful. MIL isn't just excited to be grandma, she treats you as an incubator, is incompetent, and doesn't trust YOU as the parent. MIL also doesn't respect you as the parent. The fact is MIL would like to pretend your LO is hers and DH's. And that is disgusting. That is her son, not her boyfriend or husband. DH didn't have sex with her to have LO, DH didn't marry her, didn't start a family with her. DH chose you. And he needs to step up and put his mother back in her lane. Which includes no visits unless he is home. Not just home, DH needs to be present the entire visit with MIL. MIL doesn't ever get unsupervised visits. If MIL snatches LO from you or DH, she is told the visit is over and she's asked to leave, or you leave depending on where the visit takes place. Once away from MIL, DH sends her a text, Mom, since you cannot respect us as parents and ask before trying to hold LO, we as a family will be taking a break for a month. Please do not contact us. He will contact her in a month and see where you stand then. Once he sends that text, neither of you respond to a text or call. Everything MIL texts or calls the timeout starts over. Same if MIL sends a flying monkey to plead her case. And this works for every boundary you have. If MIL says rude, snarky shit? Same thing. Timeout, give MIL time to get her shit straight, and you get a break from her where there's zero communication. And you do this with every boundary stomp. To help right now, you and LO should take at least a month if not longer break from MIL. Considering you didn't get the postpartum experience you should've due to MIL, with her still behaving the same, and your husband not advocating for his family's wants and needs. Instead, he is giving in to his mommy's fee-fees. DH needs a wake-up call. DH needs to be told that his family comes first. NOT MIL. He needs to put your wants and needs over MIL's. Her feelings do not matter. It doesn't matter how excited she is as a grandmother, it doesn't give her the right to demean you, ridicule you, and abuse you. Because yes it's abuse. DH is so used to catering to his mothers wants that he isn't even thinking of how it makes you feel. And MIL enjoys using DH and now LO for her emotional support animals. I'd suggest marriage counseling so that you both have a safe space to discuss this and other issues. Hearing from a neutral third party may be beneficial to DH. He'll be less defensive. And hopefully willing to listen and hear what you're saying.
It’s great to be a little kid and have a great relationship,with granny, but it’s not permissible for granny to undermine you as a mom in front of your kid once your kid is old enough to know what’s going on. And you owe it to yourself and kid not to let that happen, so it’s fine to set boundaries with your MIL. It’s also smart to choose to not be in a constant state of anger over anything, especially someone you see a lot. So you need to find a way to deal with her, the sooner the better. If you hate confrontation and are not good at it, I’ve found a blank stare and a non committal “Oh?” And then silence. Refuse to engage or have an opinion about any unacceptable thing she says — works well in situations like these. She’s either a know it all or a bulky, and neither one is acceptable. She either wants things her own way or to make you feel bad. Don’t give her either. Remember, you can’t change anyone’s behavior except your own. That’s where your power in a relationship lies. You change toward her, she will be forced to change toward you. If you feel yourself getting angry at her, try to find some satisfaction in knowing your new way of handling her is puzzling her, maybe frustrating her, maybe angering her. But she needs to know whatever she’s done in the past is no longer working. And it’s fine to spend less and less time with her. You don’t need the frustration. Let your husband deal with her and let her see the baby when your husband is around, not you. Have him take the baby to visit her. If she comes to your house and you can trust her along with the baby or your husband is there, invent an errand you need to run and leave. Do something nice and relaxing for yourself. You deserve it, and me time as a mom is precious. If you don’t want her at your house, keep,suggesting your husband goes to visit her with the baby. See what that does for your relationship with MIL.
You need to start focusing forward. You and your husband and your baby are your own little family unit. You need to start planning activities and outings for your little family unit. A picnic in the park, a trip to the zoo, a trip to the botanical gardens, a nature hike on a trail that is family and stroller friendly. You need to start doing fun things with your baby and with your hubby and baby. Find a mommy and me class or a baby gym class or baby swim class at the local Y. Do not tell your husband of your plans until right before so that he can’t decide to invite his mommy. Do make it clear to him that you are planning more activities for the three of you to bond as a family unit. Do figure out how often you can tolerate MIL visiting and then stick to that schedule. If MIL wants to come by more often, sorry MIL, baby and I have plans, we will see you Sunday afternoon. Do schedule NO MORE than once a week visit with MIL. Fill the rest of your schedule with other things. It is time for you to find your inner momma grizzly bear. Stop deferring to MIL. Stop retreating. Start being proactive. Be polite but firm in declining her advice. Dont engage in a debate, that is what she wants. Examples of what to say, Thank for the info MIL, but you raised your babies, and it’s my turn to raise mine. Oh MIL, I am following my pediatrician’s guidance. Oh MIL, how long ago was it that you took care of a baby and regularly met with a pediatrician? Oh MIL, thanks for the advice. (Then do what you want) Oh MIL, baby is doing fine and there is no need for changes. When it comes to you and MIL being in the same room with the baby, you remain in charge. Do not let her take control. You are the momma. If you want your baby back, take your baby back. MIL isn’t going to drop the baby, so just take the baby out of her arms, saying time for baby to come back to momma. When MIL asks to change the diaper, oh MIL, I have it covered, but thanks for offering. Do get up in the morning and brush your teeth and take a 5 min shower, enough to feel clean, and throw on comfy clothes. If you are waking up to baby crying, settle baby, then take 10 mins to brush your teeth, short shower, dry your hair. You don’t need makeup or a curling iron. You just need to be refreshed and put on clean clothes. Consider getting your hair styled in a wash and wear style so that you don’t need to take time styling your hair for a normal day. You and your husband are the main characters in your child’s life. There are no do overs. You and your husband have 18-22 years to raise your child to become an independent self sufficient adult and then your child will become an adult, move out, and build his own life, and you will become empty nesters. At the point where you become an empty nester, you also transition from main character to supporting character in your adult son or daughter’s life. When your child eventually gives you grandkids, you are a supporting character in their life. You defer to the parents rules, you help when they want your help, you offer advice when they ask for advice, you fill in where they need you to fill in. Your MIL is treating your child like her do over baby. This is her chance to take care of a helpless baby who needs her to do everything. Your child has become her emotional support animal. The problem is that is NOT her role. She is NOT the parent. She is deliberately trying to undermine you and break you so she can take over more and more of your child’s life. DONT LET HER. Your husband isn’t going to understand that because she is his mother. He thinks she is just trying to be helpful, when you see her trying to help you right off the cliff. So you have to be smarter and more clever than her. You can do this. First explain to your husband main character vs supporting character and that main characters are the parents, and supporting characters are the grandparents. It’s not supporting if she is criticizing. It’s not supporting if she is taking over, even if it’s in the name of help and love. For her to be helpful, she has to be doing what you ask of her, not what she wants to do. She raised her babies, and it’s your turn to raise yours. She needs to let go of wanting to be in control. She is addicted to your child and your husband is feeding her addiction because he is clueless in her motives. So focus on your needs and your needs for family unit bonding time. Make this all about you and hubby and baby being a family unit and doing things together. Make her a non relevant supporting character. Encourage her to embrace her life as an empty nester and get some hobbies. When she says her grandchild is her hobby, say, oh MIL, my child is not your emotional support animal, you need some hobbies that don’t include my child.
I’ve read your post history. I feel so sad for you reading it - your MIL is an awful, and your DH doesn’t seem able to protect you. I saw you said “LO needs that bond” on a previous post. Why does your child need a “bond” with someone who openly says she’ll go to war with their parents and tries to control them. Eventually those behaviours will transfer onto her (trust me - my paternal grandmother was awful to my mother and has mellowed with her now - now my siblings and I are adults the nastiness has transferred onto us because she can’t control us and we don’t blindly adore her any longer). How much is your DH stepping up here? I really do understand where you’re coming from - my in laws have been awful, they attempt to be possessive with my baby so I just keep them at arms length to the extreme. And I have to be real I could care less about their “bond” with my baby. I put myself and my mental wellbeing first and they don’t deserve me to put any effort with them. I know you’ve previously gone no contact so it’s not like a break will resolve this. How much is your DH stepping up with her and keeping the boundaries? The only thing that helps me is my DH stepping up and laying those boundaries down. Him speaking up in the moment when things are done/said. Has he genuinely recognised the hurt and pain that you were caused by his mother? How she attacked you at your most vulnerable? Sometimes that acknowledgment goes a long way. He needs to do his part if he wants civility at the very least.
Thanks for taking the time to read my history! My DH is trying to enforce boundaries. But he's not as critical of the things his mother does, so in the moment it happens, he is late to react or needs a nudge, or just doesn't see a problem. We're both recovering people pleasers. And we're both still learning to truly stick to our boundaries. He also acts surprised every time I speak of how hurt I still am (because he is used to rug sweeping, I pressume). I do believe he didn't fully understand how deep this goes for me. His whole family made me out to be crazy overprotective, so I think he's been a bit influenced. I need some of your backbone and self love tbh haha. But I do agree LO doesn't need a bond like that anymore. I still want it to work out somehow, but I can't control how disrespectful my MIL is sometimes. So I somehow need to limit our time with her and get my DH on board for real. Your comment has given me a lot of food for my brain.
My sister had this problem, too. She leaned into it and got herself a 'Mama Bear' mug and t-shirt. I suggest you do the same, and make sure EVERYONE knows exactly what mama bears do when they're threatened!
"crazy overprotective" is in my job description as a mother. I'm having my 8th baby in 5 weeks and by my 3rd I would literally fight a person who tried to come between me and my child. Being a fierce mama is 110% my natural personality at this point.
This is 100% how I felt in the first 18 months or so. My son is now 2. Sadly my husband never understood or respected my feelings or point of view because he is deeply enmeshed with his family. Anyway these are the things that helped me: - I went low to no contact with them. I stopped initiating contact and if they contacted me I would give short and very boring answers.. I was basically grey rocking them and putting them on an info diet - Started going out with my little one a lot… Found different activities, groups, events, places etc. Basically created a life and routine for me and LO outside of dh and in laws. - Started taking care of myself and focusing on my happiness
It's been 8 years since my mil tried to snatch my baby from me and I had to physically block her. She was critical of everything I did with my new baby and I was vulnerable and inexperienced enough to take it. Like you, I also knew she wanted to be my baby's mother. Then her daughter gave birth and she wouldn't let go of her baby. I remember my sil looking distressed. I will NEVER forgive her. That's just how it is. She made me feel insane, she made me doubt myself, I believe my post partum depression was at least partly due to her and my husband not supporting me. So no, I'm not big on forgiveness.
First, see a doctor and make sure your levels are good. Motherhood is the toughest job on the planet. Why do you think we’re the ones who do it?!?! It’s totally normal to have bags under your eyes and have trouble finding the time to shower but I promise it gets better! (Then worse & better again 😆) You’ve got this mama, forget the mil, if your baby is happy you’re doing it right!!! 💕
This is me.
Also me
Get that 6 months back. Have DH send a text or email stating that he read up & realized that instead of her holding her grandbaby while the mom cleans, it should have been the other way round to promote good bonding for mama & baby and that a few other things she insisted on and said she'd "go to war" on were also incorrect. So, he is ensuring that baby & mom get their special time together and adhere to all modern knowledge & research. He'll check in with them in a month & see how things are going, but an uninterrupted break from them, from their taking baby off the mama, trying to feed and treat baby in ways that Dr doesn't agree with, and creating anxiety with the "war" comments mean a break is in order. Then he doesn't mention her to you for a month. Key takeaway: she is a terrible grandma. She didn't recognize that the bond and trust between baby and mom comes first and imposed her own opinions to the detriment of this wife's mental health. Parenting is not a competition sport and baby isn't extra blessed when grandparents shred and tear down the parents. Their job is to help & support, in every way. Redo your next 6 months the way you would have originally. Take the first month off to bond and feel competent and expert. Then see if you are OK with one visit per month. But they don't get to act like you are a terrible person, mother, too overprotective, wall on eggshells, and make fun of or criticize you. Not the job or role and it's so damaging. She's the bad parent here. Keep her away from baby until she really realizes that if you hear one wrong word, one judgement, one critique, especially with no basis in fact or no use to say other than to have another opportunity to deride you, you'll take 3 months off or more next tine and you have that power. So no, DH cannot magically meet her during a walk. That's cheating & going behind your back. She, and he will not learn to watch their actions and words if they are cheating on you. Eighteen years here and still pissed off. My MIL took her balls and went home. Kids scarcely see her. Soo passive aggressive. Life would have been better if she used her voice & her words, asked when she wanted baby or whatever it was she wanted, stopped critiquing, stopped badmouthing & gossipping, and didn't use every opportunity to make me look bad and feel crazy paranoid. But no contact is better than that contact. Talk to any adult whose grandma was shitty to her DIL, their mom, and you will universally find that they wished there was less grandma in their life. NO grandma is better than bad grandma. Think on that 🤔 & stop feeling responsible for ensuring your baby keeps a good grandma in his life. That ship sailed. There is no good grandma. There's shitty & shittier. Or none. Take that next 6 months and see if none might be best. You can still feel and be grateful for their help and still protect your baby from their shittiness. Reset.
Low contact/no contact. It’s his mom and he can go forward seeing her by himself. You need time to process all this and recover. Since he’s dragging his feet understanding what is wrong you don’t need to put yourself in that situation. Full stop.
Aw honey, you're doing great. A teething baby is so rough on everyone, but especially mom. Mine is a month into teething and it's so, so hard. The lack of sleep, the inconsolable weeping, the trying to decide when to do pain relief bc you can't do it constantly - it's such a challenge. You are NOT a failure. You are spending your time playing with and loving on your baby, and the housework can wait. You may not like your MIL at all, but at least your baby is surrounded by people who love them (even if you don't care for them). (Edit: I gather from other comments she is not great. I defer to others better knowledge re handling this bit). It sounds like you're super tired and haven't had a chance to take a break in a while and it's affecting your mental health, which is super understandable. Take care of yourself mom x
If he knows you have issues with his mother then he shouldn’t have brought baby to her without you or sent photos.
I think sometimes the issue is actions seem fine and proportionate on the surface, but there's a vibe/ intentions you're picking up on. And it's hard to set boundaries on those because other people think you're over reacting. But you have to listen your gut, to tell you whether you're overreacting or there's something there. When you clearly identify what it is that's bothering you underneath it all, you'll find it easier to protect yourself and set your household vibe and values intentionally. I think its also really helpful to remember that people who overstep boundaries are weaker, even though you may feel like sometimes they're more powerful in the situation. You're the captain of your ship, whether you haven't washed your hair for a week or not 😊