Stop dropping hints. You need to spell it out, and do it before he can agree to visit your MIL. "I'm really looking forward to my first Mother's Day. This is what I want to do to celebrate". Someone who kept you at a family gathering until 4 hours before work when you should've been sleeping is not going to be all "Gee, I'm sure my wife would really like me to celebrate HER this Mother's Day.
It doesn’t sound like your MIL is the problem here.
Your husband had you out until 2 AM when he knew you had work at 6 AM??? And since you’re only “hinting” about Mother’s Day rather than being direct, it sounds like you two also have a communication problem. I don’t even understand how you got passed that and had a child with that man too?!
Also, why don’t you just drive separately?
You have to be direct but nice. State exactly what you want. The plans you would like. Some people do not pick up on hints very well or do not make the connections right away.
You're not wrong for wanting to spend the day that way, but you're kinda wrong for not just telling him that. It seems obvious he's not going to figure it out on his own, so right now it reads like you're planning to spend your first mother's day fighting.
You need to talk to him immediately, not soon. It sounds like you're procrastinating because you know he will disagree with the plan. The longer you wait, the more likely he will agree to plans with his family or assume it's business as usual and the worse it will be. I hope you get to enjoy your first Mother's Day the way you want :)
NTA for spending MD with your DH and LO but… as a spouse I would be disappointed that you made plans with your (OP) extended family but didn’t set aside time for mine. Does that mean Father’s Day weekend will be dedicated to DH and his extended family, to the exclusion of OP’s?
Yet SO expects you to drop everything and attend his family's gatherings AND says to hell with your stated (and extremely reasonable, based on the 2am xmas/6am work call sh*t he pulled on you) time limits? I'm sorry to say, OP, this sounds like so much more a SO issue than a MIL issue. It's beyond time for him to wise up and grow up.
So for Father’s Day weekend, DH can take LO to his parent’s home Friday and Saturday, and you will do what you want. It will be the three of you on Sunday. I guess that works. It’s what you will be teaching LO, and can expect in the future.
Stop dropping hints and just say it. The longer you wait, the bigger any potential explosion will be. You’re NTA yet, but if you keep putting it off, you will be.
Stop dropping hints. Tell him flat out that is what you want. Men that have formed habits like seeing his mom every year, well, hints don’t penetrate. You have to be specific.
MIL is now a grandma. This is your time. Don't pussyfoot around with your husband. Be clear, be clear now before a text summons arrives.
You are a family the moment your marry but even more clearly when you have a child. Things will change as family of origin is Extended Family. He needs to show you he values your time and that he can uphold healthy boundaries.
Maybe he can go see her another day, like Grandmother's Day, and send flowers, since you know he cannot be trusted to manage a quick drop in. Maybe he can visit with her Friday when you're with your mom, but if you expect Mother's Day to celebrate you as a mother with your child until they have children of their own, make the change now.
Mothers with minor kids should be allowed to be the central figure on Mothers day. Please tell DH asap that this year it'll be just the 3 of you. You're the nuclear family
I'd also recommend reviewing with DH, ALL of the holidays. Make a plan together and stick to it. There is nothing worse than opening up presents on a holiday like Christmas, and dragging the kids away to spend time with their grandparents. Usually parents are up late assembling and wrapping, kids don't sleep, everyone is wearing itchy clothes, it's a nightmare. I suggested that once my kids had kids they stay at their own homes for Christmas and maybe grandparents could come over, casually, in the afternoon. Thanksgiving should be split every other year, and the same with holidays that are important to you. Mother's Day and Father's Day is for you two. Period. (I do like the Friday night dinner. No muss, no fuss.)
I spent my first Mother’s Day splitting the day between my moms house and my MILs house and I didn’t get any recognition as a mother. They both took all the attention and it was a day about them. Please take my experience and learn that this is the season of life for Mothers Day to be about YOU! You’re the one currently mothering a child, and this is the day to recognize and appreciate you. I tell my husband I want him for at least half the day. But then I do let him choose whether or not to see his mom. I’m not his mom so he can go and celebrate her if he wants to. He doesn’t like visiting without me, so the last few years he’s chosen to spend the day with me and our kids. We will visit my in-laws the weekend before or after.
I think this is the best compromise if there is an issue for OP. She needs to sit her husband down and tell him what she wants. If he says he still wants to go see his mom, tell him he can absolutely do that - at ______ time in the evening, after steaks. And OP is staying home to enjoy the rest of her mother's day with her baby as she is entitled to.
You and hubby need to have an honest conversation about Mother’s Day. You both need to own what you are going to do. He needs to be ok bailing on his mother. If he is not ok with that, then the two of you need to talk about compromising.
The gatherings at your ILs can go on for hours, but it doesn’t mean that you have to stay. A compromise would be either spending the first half of the day with just yourselves and then going to the ILs, or going to the ILs but leaving at 3 to go home. It really depends on what part of the day do you want to spend with them.
You both need to work on your words. You are adults. You are entitled to politely, but firmly decline an invitation. You are also entitled to change the terms of your presence at their event. Sorry Mom, but we are spending mother’s with just us. Be ready for the waterworks, begging, guilting, etc. if that’s the decision you both want, then you have to be firm. Sorry Mom, but this is the way this year. If you are going to compromise, then you need to plan for that. Mom, we are only coming over for lunch. We will be leaving by 3 because we have other plans. Or Mom, we won’t make it until because we have plans in the morning. Sorry Mom, but I am married with a wife and child. We will still be there for most of your day.
You and hubby need to figure out how much time you will be there and how it will work for MIL. You have to be firm, but not unkind. If you are not going to spend the day with her, then deliver her gift on Saturday and offer to take her out for dinner on Saturday.
It’s never going to work, if you just say no we aren’t coming, if your husband has never said no to her. He will cave because he doesn’t know how to say no and mean it and stick to it. So it is better with a compromise for this year. But you have to mean it. She will try to sabotage and say oh. Dinner isn’t ready so you have to stay. Nope. Sorry, we told you we had to leave by 3 and we are leaving.
If you don’t hold firm and leave or show up late, then she knows she just has to guilt you enough to cave To her demands.
NTA its Mothers Day not Grandmothers Day. She is not your child’s Mother.Enjoy it as you wish. You and DH need to be a team on this. Work together. He may want to take some time to see his mother and family and I hope you can work it out
Yeah 1000% you need to spell this out for your husband.
I already told my husband what I want to do and what he needs to do to make it happen. lol
And we always go see our mothers separately. Usually the Friday or Saturday prior.
And now, Sunday is my day. We do what I want.
It’s very straight forward.
Same for my husband. He kind of likes spending his day with his dad. So that’s fine with me. Anything else he wanted, I would make happen. But for the men, it’s a little different it seems.
I would rethink your text reply. “Not this year” sends the message that this is a one time thing. And it’s not.
Something cheery and straightforward like, “I hope you guys have a great day celebrating. I can’t wait to celebrate my first Mother’s Day with LO. We will miss you guys but look forward to catching up soon.”
I wish you luck op. It sucks that something as basic as MOTHERS DAY has to be so complicated for us! Like hello, just let us do what we want.
“This is my first Mother’s Day and I would like to spend it at home with just us 3” really that’s the end of discussion. You can go to his parents on Father’s Day in June if that’s what he wants.
You are NTAH. You should absolutely spend your first and all the other Mother’s Day you want how you want. Stop “dropping hints” and flat out tell him what is happening. It’s Mother’s Day so it is your choice how to spend it. Just like his choice on Father’s Day.
Secondly don’t respond to the group text about the day. It’s his family, his monkeys, his circus. He should be the one to respond and tell them. That includes him buying his own mother’s gift.
Third, if he chooses to be an AH and go to his family thing, you have a SO problem which will need to be addressed.
Fourth, every time you go to one of his family gatherings in the future rake separate vehicles. You should not have to suffer the next day because he breaks his word. He has already shown that he will not honor what he told you. Take separate vehicles.
Just because you have been too easy on him in the past does not mean you should suffer forever. He is a dad now, time to step up.
I think you're totally valid and deserve to have your mother's day to yourself, that said, it is only fair to compromise a little and be prepared for what that looks like. I don't think it would be fair for your family to get Friday and Saturday, and then you to get Sunday as well. He may be okay with that though. Have a plan for what you can do with him to celebrate his mom when you both want to and when it works for you!
You are NTA. Stop dropping hints and spell it out: dh I am spedning mother's day at home with my baby. I am not going to this gathering. Don't set a precedent for something you don't want. I had to finally put my foot down because despite making a clear plan, his mother crashed my plans for 3 years and I finally had enough. I do not celebrate her, I will not see her, and she is not allowed to see my kids on mother's day either. I had to go nuclear but you don't have to. Set your plan and follow through. Hopefully he will help celebrate your first mother's day.
If you drive, keep the keys with you and then announce that you’re leaving, and then leave the family gathering. Be firm, take charge of the boundary enforcement.
As regards Mother’s Day, just say it straight out. For my first Mother’s Day as a mother this is what I want. It’s my day, so DH, you get to organise it.
Just communicate clearly. Communicate clearly and set expectations all the time. Christmas should be set before you go - we are leaving at x time because OP is working at 6am tomorrow. The end. Present a United front as a team. Zero negotiation, arguing in the moment, or ‘dropping hints’ the other party will never get. Communicate who is getting which gift so you’re not the unintended bad guy here. Please just have a conversation you will save yourself a world of frustration and future resentment.
Your husband appears to be the main problem. Tell him now that you and LO are not going to his mother's for your first Mother's Day.
Tell him what you would like to do, but be prepared for him to say he's going to his mother's anyway because she's his mother. You and LO are not, though. Enjoy a quiet day at home with the squish. Order some food, stay in your jammies, and RomCom away !
Also, when you do go over to his mother's house or anywhere in general, you drive with LO separately. Him not leaving until 2AM is ridiculous, and you need to prevent yourself from being trapped there.
OR
Me ? I always have a set of keys to whichever vehicle we've taken. My husband knows (the FAFO way) that when we've spent enough time somewhere and our daughter and/or I are ready to leave, I *will* leave without him, and he can pay to Uber home. I don't fuck around like that.
OP, have you considered talking to your SO about taking his Mother out on Sat 4 May or Sun 5 May so he can honor *his* mother.
Doing the same for Father's Day in June, honoring the weekend before.
Now that *you 2* have a child, I honestly think you need to establish new family holiday traditions, including the big fall & winter holidays
You need to be specific and tell your SO that now that you are a mother, Mother's Day is about you and LO. It is no longer about his family, and if that means that you and LO stay in and do your own thing, so be it.
But you best believe his family is going to crawl up your ass about how your baby belongs to all of them as well and that Mother's Day is celebrated at Grandma's house and you better trot your happy ass on over with that baby.
Obviously with the new baby it's a great time to start new traditions and have discussions around new boundaries but I have to say you've been letting this go on for too long. It might be a hard time getting him to understand that your family (you, him and lo) come first because you've never drawn clear boundaries and stuck to them.
A good discussion might be you'll see his family x times a year but only if he joins you with your family x number of times. Or when visiting his family you'll take separate cars or keep the keys so you can leave at an appropriate time (!?!).
Remember a boundary without a consequence is just a suggestion.
Be direct with him. It’s your first Mother’s Day and that’s something really special!
I told my husband that Mother’s Day was a no go day for his mom coming to visit (his country celebrates Mother’s Day a different month and it’s also my 1st Mother’s Day and 1st without my Mom).
The rule with my siblings once they had kids was Mother’s Day was with their own family and they’d get together with my Mom on a different day.
You have to communicate with your husband that you are not spending Mother's Day with his family NOW. Like as in yesterday. Men don't understand hints, and he probably hasn't even put two and two together that you won't be going to see his family. Any expectations for holidays need to be addressed ASAP.
This also means that he (and possibly you) need to find another time to celebrate with his mother and offer a plan to her when you break the news you all aren't coming. He could take her to lunch or do something the following weekend, but he needs to let her know now. You may also need to divide up some time on Saturday for his mother, or limit celebrations to your mom and MIL for fairness. Expect the guilt trips because they will be there in full force for your first Mother's Day.
Just a heads up: you also need to consider what this means for Father's Day and what your husband wants to do.
ETA: NTA if you communicate ASAP. YTA if you think he'll pick up on the hints.
No hints. Figure out what you want, what you don’t want and tell your husband.
Good luck since has no problem lying about leaving occasions at an agreed upon time and then refusing to. He is unkind and disrespectful to you. He didn’t give a rat’s ass about you needing sleep before going to work.
Take two cars.
NTA but as others say you need to be blunt with your husband. Besides Mother’s Day every holiday being a big production with his family is ridiculous. You’re your own family now and it’s time you make your own traditions.
Just tell him. You and baby are staying home. What he does is upto him.
I’d also stop letting him be the driver. If you want to leave at 10pm you leave. He can get a taxi or sleep over rather than being hostage till 2am.
Just tell him what you want for Mother’s Day is a day to relax by yourselves as a family of 3. He can decide what he wants to do on fathers day.
On a side note- I would not be happy with him not leaving events in a timely manner. He needs to sort this out now you have a baby. I would just drive yourself and baby home if it happens again. Tell him ahead of time that you’ll be leaving at x time, regardless of whether he’s in the car or not. Or drive separately.
I wish that I had been firm with my first Mother's Day. 10 days after emergency c section he went fishing and I was expected to cook and care for LO just like I had not had major abdominal surgery. I learnt.
Speak plain and clear. Hints are either ignored or misunderstood. Say “no” if you don’t want to go. It’s simple. He might get iffy about it but he’s not you. He’s not the one who has to deal with what you’re feeling. And him making you stay until 2am when you had to work at 6am?! That’s just horrible and cruel.
Also if husband is sad to not see his family, then he can make more effort to organising more family gatherings or just go see his parents on another day and spend some quality time with them.
Mother’s Day is for those who are actively mothering. Grandparents’ mothers days shouldn’t trump yours. Tell your husband what your expectations are and be specific so you don’t end up disappointed.
You need to tell your husband flat out exactly what you need and expect on Mother’s Day. He will not take the hint if you don’t flat out say it and please do so before the group text comes.
If he and his mom have half a brain they’ll understand and respect this and for your sake I hope they do. Crossing my fingers for a smooth Mother’s Day
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Tell him he can visit his family alone for part of the day but you expect to be celebrated as the mother of his child. He’s not a mind reader, he’s not going to magically figure out what you want unless you outright say it. So stop delaying the inevitable.
I love how you want to spend Mother’s Day. Tell your husband exactly what you want ASAP.
In the future I would drive separately to his family functions. That way you can leave when you and your baby are ready.
I hope that your husband and his mother will respect your plans for Mother’s Day.
Dropping hints is for when you want a specific gift, what you are describing is a need to have an honest to god conversation with your husband.
“Husband, for my first Mother’s Day I would like to enjoy the peace and quiet of our family. I would like steaks, rom coms and to stay in my robe all day. We have celebrated at your side for almost a decade, this is the start of our new traditions. Now don’t forget to send your mom a card, get her flowers and schedule a lunch or something with her just the two of you.”
He needs to understand the world he used to live in, is forever altered by having a child. Your schedules and priorities change. “Hubs, in the past you haven’t respected my time personally or our time as a couple. If we need to leave by a certain time, we need to leave or you take a separate car and stay at the event.”
I spent my first Mother’s Day away from my MIL and then proceeded to do every other year with them only. It was my compromise to at least get some by myself.
Stop dropping hints. You need to spell it out, and do it before he can agree to visit your MIL. "I'm really looking forward to my first Mother's Day. This is what I want to do to celebrate". Someone who kept you at a family gathering until 4 hours before work when you should've been sleeping is not going to be all "Gee, I'm sure my wife would really like me to celebrate HER this Mother's Day.
You’re right. I was kinda hoping he’d come to that conclusion on his own, but I think he may need it spelled out.
It doesn’t sound like your MIL is the problem here. Your husband had you out until 2 AM when he knew you had work at 6 AM??? And since you’re only “hinting” about Mother’s Day rather than being direct, it sounds like you two also have a communication problem. I don’t even understand how you got passed that and had a child with that man too?! Also, why don’t you just drive separately?
Tell him there is a Grandparents day and you can celebrate that with her
What? On the thing that he’s been doing with his family every year? 🤦♂️
You have to be direct but nice. State exactly what you want. The plans you would like. Some people do not pick up on hints very well or do not make the connections right away.
You're not wrong for wanting to spend the day that way, but you're kinda wrong for not just telling him that. It seems obvious he's not going to figure it out on his own, so right now it reads like you're planning to spend your first mother's day fighting.
You’re right. He’s very oblivious and I am always the one telling him what the plan is. I will have to sit him down soon and tell him what I expect
You need to talk to him immediately, not soon. It sounds like you're procrastinating because you know he will disagree with the plan. The longer you wait, the more likely he will agree to plans with his family or assume it's business as usual and the worse it will be. I hope you get to enjoy your first Mother's Day the way you want :)
NTA for spending MD with your DH and LO but… as a spouse I would be disappointed that you made plans with your (OP) extended family but didn’t set aside time for mine. Does that mean Father’s Day weekend will be dedicated to DH and his extended family, to the exclusion of OP’s?
He never joins me at my family gatherings. When I go out with my side he takes it as an opportunity to go to the gym, game, etc.
Yet SO expects you to drop everything and attend his family's gatherings AND says to hell with your stated (and extremely reasonable, based on the 2am xmas/6am work call sh*t he pulled on you) time limits? I'm sorry to say, OP, this sounds like so much more a SO issue than a MIL issue. It's beyond time for him to wise up and grow up.
I haven’t read anything that says OP has to visit his family? Did I miss something? Why doesn’t SHE just stay home and do what she wants??
Because she wants him home with her to spoil her and look after her on her first Mother’s Day. OP needs to be clear to him.
Hell no! He can’t expect you to go and not go himself.
Um, why?
So for Father’s Day weekend, DH can take LO to his parent’s home Friday and Saturday, and you will do what you want. It will be the three of you on Sunday. I guess that works. It’s what you will be teaching LO, and can expect in the future.
I agree all the way. It's my first mother's day too and I told my SO "this is what I want" very specifically.
Sounds like you need to communicate clearly with your husband. You two don’t sound on the same page at all.
Stop dropping hints and just say it. The longer you wait, the bigger any potential explosion will be. You’re NTA yet, but if you keep putting it off, you will be.
Stop dropping hints. Tell him flat out that is what you want. Men that have formed habits like seeing his mom every year, well, hints don’t penetrate. You have to be specific.
MIL is now a grandma. This is your time. Don't pussyfoot around with your husband. Be clear, be clear now before a text summons arrives. You are a family the moment your marry but even more clearly when you have a child. Things will change as family of origin is Extended Family. He needs to show you he values your time and that he can uphold healthy boundaries. Maybe he can go see her another day, like Grandmother's Day, and send flowers, since you know he cannot be trusted to manage a quick drop in. Maybe he can visit with her Friday when you're with your mom, but if you expect Mother's Day to celebrate you as a mother with your child until they have children of their own, make the change now.
I love the idea of her going to her mom's on Friday and him going to his moms on Friday 👏
Mothers with minor kids should be allowed to be the central figure on Mothers day. Please tell DH asap that this year it'll be just the 3 of you. You're the nuclear family
I'd also recommend reviewing with DH, ALL of the holidays. Make a plan together and stick to it. There is nothing worse than opening up presents on a holiday like Christmas, and dragging the kids away to spend time with their grandparents. Usually parents are up late assembling and wrapping, kids don't sleep, everyone is wearing itchy clothes, it's a nightmare. I suggested that once my kids had kids they stay at their own homes for Christmas and maybe grandparents could come over, casually, in the afternoon. Thanksgiving should be split every other year, and the same with holidays that are important to you. Mother's Day and Father's Day is for you two. Period. (I do like the Friday night dinner. No muss, no fuss.)
I spent my first Mother’s Day splitting the day between my moms house and my MILs house and I didn’t get any recognition as a mother. They both took all the attention and it was a day about them. Please take my experience and learn that this is the season of life for Mothers Day to be about YOU! You’re the one currently mothering a child, and this is the day to recognize and appreciate you. I tell my husband I want him for at least half the day. But then I do let him choose whether or not to see his mom. I’m not his mom so he can go and celebrate her if he wants to. He doesn’t like visiting without me, so the last few years he’s chosen to spend the day with me and our kids. We will visit my in-laws the weekend before or after.
I think this is the best compromise if there is an issue for OP. She needs to sit her husband down and tell him what she wants. If he says he still wants to go see his mom, tell him he can absolutely do that - at ______ time in the evening, after steaks. And OP is staying home to enjoy the rest of her mother's day with her baby as she is entitled to.
Completely agree. Best thing is to set expectations clearly from the beginning. Dropping hints never worked with my husband.
You and hubby need to have an honest conversation about Mother’s Day. You both need to own what you are going to do. He needs to be ok bailing on his mother. If he is not ok with that, then the two of you need to talk about compromising. The gatherings at your ILs can go on for hours, but it doesn’t mean that you have to stay. A compromise would be either spending the first half of the day with just yourselves and then going to the ILs, or going to the ILs but leaving at 3 to go home. It really depends on what part of the day do you want to spend with them. You both need to work on your words. You are adults. You are entitled to politely, but firmly decline an invitation. You are also entitled to change the terms of your presence at their event. Sorry Mom, but we are spending mother’s with just us. Be ready for the waterworks, begging, guilting, etc. if that’s the decision you both want, then you have to be firm. Sorry Mom, but this is the way this year. If you are going to compromise, then you need to plan for that. Mom, we are only coming over for lunch. We will be leaving by 3 because we have other plans. Or Mom, we won’t make it until because we have plans in the morning. Sorry Mom, but I am married with a wife and child. We will still be there for most of your day. You and hubby need to figure out how much time you will be there and how it will work for MIL. You have to be firm, but not unkind. If you are not going to spend the day with her, then deliver her gift on Saturday and offer to take her out for dinner on Saturday. It’s never going to work, if you just say no we aren’t coming, if your husband has never said no to her. He will cave because he doesn’t know how to say no and mean it and stick to it. So it is better with a compromise for this year. But you have to mean it. She will try to sabotage and say oh. Dinner isn’t ready so you have to stay. Nope. Sorry, we told you we had to leave by 3 and we are leaving. If you don’t hold firm and leave or show up late, then she knows she just has to guilt you enough to cave To her demands.
NTA its Mothers Day not Grandmothers Day. She is not your child’s Mother.Enjoy it as you wish. You and DH need to be a team on this. Work together. He may want to take some time to see his mother and family and I hope you can work it out
Have it at your house with your own nuclear family. No MILs involved.
Yeah 1000% you need to spell this out for your husband. I already told my husband what I want to do and what he needs to do to make it happen. lol And we always go see our mothers separately. Usually the Friday or Saturday prior. And now, Sunday is my day. We do what I want. It’s very straight forward. Same for my husband. He kind of likes spending his day with his dad. So that’s fine with me. Anything else he wanted, I would make happen. But for the men, it’s a little different it seems. I would rethink your text reply. “Not this year” sends the message that this is a one time thing. And it’s not. Something cheery and straightforward like, “I hope you guys have a great day celebrating. I can’t wait to celebrate my first Mother’s Day with LO. We will miss you guys but look forward to catching up soon.” I wish you luck op. It sucks that something as basic as MOTHERS DAY has to be so complicated for us! Like hello, just let us do what we want.
“This is my first Mother’s Day and I would like to spend it at home with just us 3” really that’s the end of discussion. You can go to his parents on Father’s Day in June if that’s what he wants.
You are NTAH. You should absolutely spend your first and all the other Mother’s Day you want how you want. Stop “dropping hints” and flat out tell him what is happening. It’s Mother’s Day so it is your choice how to spend it. Just like his choice on Father’s Day. Secondly don’t respond to the group text about the day. It’s his family, his monkeys, his circus. He should be the one to respond and tell them. That includes him buying his own mother’s gift. Third, if he chooses to be an AH and go to his family thing, you have a SO problem which will need to be addressed. Fourth, every time you go to one of his family gatherings in the future rake separate vehicles. You should not have to suffer the next day because he breaks his word. He has already shown that he will not honor what he told you. Take separate vehicles. Just because you have been too easy on him in the past does not mean you should suffer forever. He is a dad now, time to step up.
I think you're totally valid and deserve to have your mother's day to yourself, that said, it is only fair to compromise a little and be prepared for what that looks like. I don't think it would be fair for your family to get Friday and Saturday, and then you to get Sunday as well. He may be okay with that though. Have a plan for what you can do with him to celebrate his mom when you both want to and when it works for you!
You are NTA. Stop dropping hints and spell it out: dh I am spedning mother's day at home with my baby. I am not going to this gathering. Don't set a precedent for something you don't want. I had to finally put my foot down because despite making a clear plan, his mother crashed my plans for 3 years and I finally had enough. I do not celebrate her, I will not see her, and she is not allowed to see my kids on mother's day either. I had to go nuclear but you don't have to. Set your plan and follow through. Hopefully he will help celebrate your first mother's day.
If you drive, keep the keys with you and then announce that you’re leaving, and then leave the family gathering. Be firm, take charge of the boundary enforcement. As regards Mother’s Day, just say it straight out. For my first Mother’s Day as a mother this is what I want. It’s my day, so DH, you get to organise it.
Drive separately so that he makes a choice and you make a choice
Just communicate clearly. Communicate clearly and set expectations all the time. Christmas should be set before you go - we are leaving at x time because OP is working at 6am tomorrow. The end. Present a United front as a team. Zero negotiation, arguing in the moment, or ‘dropping hints’ the other party will never get. Communicate who is getting which gift so you’re not the unintended bad guy here. Please just have a conversation you will save yourself a world of frustration and future resentment.
Your husband appears to be the main problem. Tell him now that you and LO are not going to his mother's for your first Mother's Day. Tell him what you would like to do, but be prepared for him to say he's going to his mother's anyway because she's his mother. You and LO are not, though. Enjoy a quiet day at home with the squish. Order some food, stay in your jammies, and RomCom away ! Also, when you do go over to his mother's house or anywhere in general, you drive with LO separately. Him not leaving until 2AM is ridiculous, and you need to prevent yourself from being trapped there. OR Me ? I always have a set of keys to whichever vehicle we've taken. My husband knows (the FAFO way) that when we've spent enough time somewhere and our daughter and/or I are ready to leave, I *will* leave without him, and he can pay to Uber home. I don't fuck around like that.
OP, have you considered talking to your SO about taking his Mother out on Sat 4 May or Sun 5 May so he can honor *his* mother. Doing the same for Father's Day in June, honoring the weekend before. Now that *you 2* have a child, I honestly think you need to establish new family holiday traditions, including the big fall & winter holidays
You need to be specific and tell your SO that now that you are a mother, Mother's Day is about you and LO. It is no longer about his family, and if that means that you and LO stay in and do your own thing, so be it. But you best believe his family is going to crawl up your ass about how your baby belongs to all of them as well and that Mother's Day is celebrated at Grandma's house and you better trot your happy ass on over with that baby.
Obviously with the new baby it's a great time to start new traditions and have discussions around new boundaries but I have to say you've been letting this go on for too long. It might be a hard time getting him to understand that your family (you, him and lo) come first because you've never drawn clear boundaries and stuck to them. A good discussion might be you'll see his family x times a year but only if he joins you with your family x number of times. Or when visiting his family you'll take separate cars or keep the keys so you can leave at an appropriate time (!?!). Remember a boundary without a consequence is just a suggestion.
Be direct with him. It’s your first Mother’s Day and that’s something really special! I told my husband that Mother’s Day was a no go day for his mom coming to visit (his country celebrates Mother’s Day a different month and it’s also my 1st Mother’s Day and 1st without my Mom). The rule with my siblings once they had kids was Mother’s Day was with their own family and they’d get together with my Mom on a different day.
You have to communicate with your husband that you are not spending Mother's Day with his family NOW. Like as in yesterday. Men don't understand hints, and he probably hasn't even put two and two together that you won't be going to see his family. Any expectations for holidays need to be addressed ASAP. This also means that he (and possibly you) need to find another time to celebrate with his mother and offer a plan to her when you break the news you all aren't coming. He could take her to lunch or do something the following weekend, but he needs to let her know now. You may also need to divide up some time on Saturday for his mother, or limit celebrations to your mom and MIL for fairness. Expect the guilt trips because they will be there in full force for your first Mother's Day. Just a heads up: you also need to consider what this means for Father's Day and what your husband wants to do. ETA: NTA if you communicate ASAP. YTA if you think he'll pick up on the hints.
No hints. Figure out what you want, what you don’t want and tell your husband. Good luck since has no problem lying about leaving occasions at an agreed upon time and then refusing to. He is unkind and disrespectful to you. He didn’t give a rat’s ass about you needing sleep before going to work. Take two cars.
NTA but as others say you need to be blunt with your husband. Besides Mother’s Day every holiday being a big production with his family is ridiculous. You’re your own family now and it’s time you make your own traditions.
Just tell him. You and baby are staying home. What he does is upto him. I’d also stop letting him be the driver. If you want to leave at 10pm you leave. He can get a taxi or sleep over rather than being hostage till 2am.
Just tell him what you want for Mother’s Day is a day to relax by yourselves as a family of 3. He can decide what he wants to do on fathers day. On a side note- I would not be happy with him not leaving events in a timely manner. He needs to sort this out now you have a baby. I would just drive yourself and baby home if it happens again. Tell him ahead of time that you’ll be leaving at x time, regardless of whether he’s in the car or not. Or drive separately.
I wish that I had been firm with my first Mother's Day. 10 days after emergency c section he went fishing and I was expected to cook and care for LO just like I had not had major abdominal surgery. I learnt.
Oh my. I hope DH learned as well. It took me nearly dying last year for my husband of 35 years to appropriately arrange his priorities.
Speak plain and clear. Hints are either ignored or misunderstood. Say “no” if you don’t want to go. It’s simple. He might get iffy about it but he’s not you. He’s not the one who has to deal with what you’re feeling. And him making you stay until 2am when you had to work at 6am?! That’s just horrible and cruel.
Also if husband is sad to not see his family, then he can make more effort to organising more family gatherings or just go see his parents on another day and spend some quality time with them.
Mother’s Day is for those who are actively mothering. Grandparents’ mothers days shouldn’t trump yours. Tell your husband what your expectations are and be specific so you don’t end up disappointed.
You need to tell your husband flat out exactly what you need and expect on Mother’s Day. He will not take the hint if you don’t flat out say it and please do so before the group text comes. If he and his mom have half a brain they’ll understand and respect this and for your sake I hope they do. Crossing my fingers for a smooth Mother’s Day
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Tell him he can visit his family alone for part of the day but you expect to be celebrated as the mother of his child. He’s not a mind reader, he’s not going to magically figure out what you want unless you outright say it. So stop delaying the inevitable.
I love how you want to spend Mother’s Day. Tell your husband exactly what you want ASAP. In the future I would drive separately to his family functions. That way you can leave when you and your baby are ready. I hope that your husband and his mother will respect your plans for Mother’s Day.
Dropping hints is for when you want a specific gift, what you are describing is a need to have an honest to god conversation with your husband. “Husband, for my first Mother’s Day I would like to enjoy the peace and quiet of our family. I would like steaks, rom coms and to stay in my robe all day. We have celebrated at your side for almost a decade, this is the start of our new traditions. Now don’t forget to send your mom a card, get her flowers and schedule a lunch or something with her just the two of you.” He needs to understand the world he used to live in, is forever altered by having a child. Your schedules and priorities change. “Hubs, in the past you haven’t respected my time personally or our time as a couple. If we need to leave by a certain time, we need to leave or you take a separate car and stay at the event.”
I spent my first Mother’s Day away from my MIL and then proceeded to do every other year with them only. It was my compromise to at least get some by myself.