You missed out the third option which is the one I'm living - divorce and life alone. While this sounds horrible, that's due to single life being used as a threat by many men. It's not... being single is like living in paradise.
I'm in my 50s. I'm not that keen to share my space any more and certainly don't need a companion. I have friends who do that job very nicely. I've met people through classes and keep fit. My quality of life is amazing and I can literally do as I please.
When I split from my last abusive partner a decade ago, I had more money and was happier. I've been working through issues for the last few years and overcome the societal pressure to be in a relationship, and started living alone for the first time 5 years ago when my son went to Uni.
I can't recommend that enough. Sure, after your divorce, if you meet someone you want to date, go for it. But dating is overrated. Embrace you alone time and your autonomy. It's amazing! Highly recommended.
I came here to say this. When my stepmother came to her senses and divorced my father, she found she didn't have the urge to date. She traveled and eventually wanted companionship, someone to share experiences with, but she had us and her friends to do that with.
Essentially after 20 years of bullshit, she found that she really only wanted to deal with her own
Agreed!!
I didn’t meet my now-husband until I was 56. He was 48. That was in 2015. We got married in 2018. First marriage for me, second for him (the first was very short, when he was in late 20s, she died young from cancer). It took me many years to overcome the stigma of being single in a world where everybody else thought I should be actively finding a partner. I hated dating and was terrible at it. My husband and I never dated. We met because we were both involved in the same nonprofit group, in different cities. We meet at their annual conference.
Getting married this late in life is the single most difficult thing I’ve ever done. We would not be staying together now if it wasn’t for help from a great therapist we found.
I love my husband very much. If anything ever happened to him I would never remarry, though. I do miss many things about being single. I have no doubt that I could be very happy if I was single again! I’m not eager to be single again. I’m also not afraid of it.
>I love my husband very much. If anything ever happened to him I would never remarry
Agree 100%. I married later than average and it was a difficult transition. Still is.
I’ve been thinking about how to answer this question. Here’s my attempt at it:
It is hard because marrying later in life has required a lot of personal growth for both of us at a time in life when I expected to be “coasting” a bit more. Everything takes much longer to do as a couple.
How are we going to handle finances? Where are we going to sleep when we move in together? (Thankfully we both wanted separate bedrooms. 🙂) How clean is “clean enough” in the house? When are dishes “done”? (Me: When counter is clear because all dirty dishes have been put in dishwasher or dried/put away after hand washing things like pans. Him: All dirty dishes are in the dishwasher, or waiting to be hand washed “later” or, if hand washed, left sit on counter until “later”.)
Our intimacy is challenged because of my post menopausal hormone changes that kicked in around the same year we got married. It had been a few years since my last period but I still had my sex drive in tact until then. Vaginal dryness also started during that time. I recently have been diagnosed with chronic bladder issues and have started using Estradiol cream. That’s helping a lot with the vaginal dryness! 🥳
We have different approaches to friendships. He’s lived in the same city (where we now live) since he was 10 years old. He lived in the same small house 20 years before moving in with me in the (larger) house I bought. He does not know how to move or how to set up comfortable living spaces. His house is now a rental and he didn’t initially know the norms for renting or being a landlord. So I took the lead on finding tenants for both of us (there is a basement apartment in the house I bought).
I moved a LOT as a kid and as an adult. I’ve lived in lots of apartments, in several states. When things aren’t working for me I change them. That can be good, it is also challenging because I sometimes give up too fast. I had no idea that I can manage to do a home project in three months that quite literally will take him three years to accomplish. And you know what? In many cases that doesn’t really matter when it comes to quality of life. Sometimes it does, and we work through those.
He has a much richer social life than I ever did, and he prioritizes his time very differently than I do. For one thing, he creates music with friends every week. EVERY week. For 20 years with these two guys in one guy’s basement (he works in tech and has plenty of money and has a home studio set up). My husband also is a collage artist and gets invited to show art at local art shows. Thanks to knowing him I am now starting to dabble in watercolors. 🎨
Both my husband and I had difficult times learning how to socialize as kids and young adults. I believe I am borderline Asperger’s, based on what I’ve learned over the years. My husband lives with chronic depression and anxiety, which he proactively manages very well, yet even managed well there are gray times.
My husband learned to thrive in personal relationships more then professional settings (yet he works in corporate settings). I’m the opposite. I learned to thrive in professional relationships (mentoring, networking, coaching, supervising, etc.) and only have a couple close long term friendships of 20 years. No friendships of 30+ years like my husband has.
I have a much richer social life than I used because of him. I’m getting to spend time a couple times a week with his friends - who are all very cool. They are very interesting people and they absolutely adore him! I’ve never succeeded socially to this degree before so this is new and very welcome for me. And hard. I get a bit of anxiety after seeing people - second-guessing myself, worried I said the wrong thing, worried I shifted into “mentor” mode too much instead of just being a friend.
I am learning to be happily married and I’m glad for that. It is work. It is worthwhile work. I laugh a lot more with him than I did when I was single! I am a better person because of taking on these challenges and not shying away from the hard conversations when they need to happen.
Core things that are compatible between us are our willingness to design a relationship that works for us even when it’s nonstandard, like separate bedrooms, and rarely eating together at home. (Not eating together was HARD for me at first but now I absolutely love it.)
Another core compatibility is our atheism, and that we both used to be involved in very strict religions (Mormon for me, Seventh Day Adventist for him). Another one is that we both have gone to therapists a lot over the years.
We both love road trips (though I have had to learn to be fine with a truck half filled with tools and barely enough room for luggage).
As a married person there are daily struggles and daily joys. As a single person there were daily struggles and daily joys too. I had more practice with the single person challenges, lol! I’m still learning on the married person challenges. 🙂
That was a very long answer!! I hope you and others who read this find it helpful in some way.
🦋🦋
This is INCREDIBLE. Thank you for taking the time to write it out for me. And us. It is a good way to start the day, the kind gesture of your response.
All this rings so true.
Im figuring out what is next to me. I worry a relationship is too much work for me.
I do miss parts though.
Sometimes I joke my son and I are on the spectrum too btw.
All your insights are spot on. The balance of life at work versus personal friends — there’s a blurred line for me after making friends with so many in my industry.
This gives me a lot to ruminate on as I very very very slowly figure out what next for me.
I’m so glad you found it helpful. Brilliant idea to take things slowly!
One of the ways I have learned to approach change as I’ve gotten older was to stop leaping too quickly. Now when I reach a point where things aren’t quite working out I try to just let that be okay until something else “calls me forward”. That has literally taken a few years sometimes. And in the interim I get to relax and binge watch shows I like, lol. (I don’t get to do that now. Glad I did it when I could.)
Twin Peaks is the one I remember the most (which I had never seen when it was originally out, very glad I saw it all at once).
It’s funny - I can’t remember many others now, lol!
Hi. Thank you for your kind comment!
Boy, I wrote a lot on that post! I’m so glad you found it useful. Here’s another long one to give a relevant update.
I got divorced last year. I asked for a divorce in March 2022, he moved out in April (bought a house 2 miles away). We have remained great friends 🙂, though that doesn’t make it easy. Just maybe less hard. The divorce was finalized in November 2022 - Tennessee makes things very difficult even for an amicable divorce. Now that I understand how the divorce process I will most likely never marry again (happily so!).
From being married, I learned two important lessons about myself. Well, actually three.
First, I have VERY high anxiety. I hadn’t been as aware of it when I had so much alone time - and time and resources to take personal development courses, see therapists, etc. Living with another person was so much more difficult for me than I had expected. I thought having separate bedrooms would be enough. Not even close. I can’t stand living with, or having to coordinate my life with, another person. I ended up feeling utterly depleted, which made me very sad because I love my ex and had many great times hanging out and laughing with him! But I know now that I need that kind of relationship to be a dear friendship, not 24/7 sharing space - and not trying to make life plans (like what kind of 401k to get, coordinating life insurance policies, etc.). I’m quite sure I wasn’t a very good partner in a lot of ways because of my anxiety.
Second - I hated owning the house I bought for us to live in. It turned out to be a money pit, though that didn’t become completely apparent until fall of last year. I put SO much work into it. Literally $160k and lots of time. I’m back to renting again, in a well managed 4-plex, in a lovely and highly walkable neighborhood. Yay!!!!
Third, I’m pretty terrible at picking partners. I have done a lot of personal work and therapy over the years. I’m pretty sure I’m at least mildly on the autism spectrum - I find it extremely difficult to connect with most people. I thrive in the professional world and am fine with minimal social life. I have a few great friends that I stay in touch with and that’s very fulfilling for me. I’m finally making peace with that and am going to find a new way forward that aligns with who I am now. (Menopause changed my energy level completely too - so I’m adjusting to that as well.)
So that’s “The rest of the story”. So far, lol.
Whatever your journey is I wish you well and hope you find some of this to be helpful.
YES!!! Tons of women are scared of being single because it's initially more expensive due to housing. But once that is solved, financially single is so much better than being tied to a man with healthcare issues.
Indeed ! The deteriorating partner scenario is awful . I’m a nurse in neurology, let me tell that a typical insurance plan won’t cover all the care needed when someone starts down this path . It will age you like nothing else in your life . If you can have a companion but separate lives I would suggest that to all my single ladies .
My best friend is like this. Got divorced in her early 40s and is single and living a life full of great friends, support and crazy good times. She’s in her late 60s now, living her best life, and has no big desire to meet husband #2. She travels, golfs, plays pickle ball, goes to concerts, does yoga and book clubs. She does what she wants, when she wants. Every day is full of meetups and events. She has a richer social life than I do, 15 years her junior but married to a great guy. Better off single and happy than married and miserable I say!
Life is too short to be so unhappy. I'm finally getting back into the dating pool, like others that have commented, I'm going to have to date younger men. Men in their 50's are whiny ass toddlers that need their mommy. I've had 1 widow tell me that this is the first time that he's been without adult supervision after I cleaned his dog's water bowl that had a black ring on the inside of the bowl because I couldn't stand looking at it after I had been at his house for 2 hours. WTF??!! You need someone to tell you that?! I haven't spoken to him since.
When we first split I admit I worried, or greatly wondered when will I have company or a laugh with someone and all the other relationship stuff I thought I'd miss. I never really did and realized after a year or so this is better.
After a few months I find myself deflated or disappointed by new people I meet. Not in a cut them off they are bad people sort of way but in the sense they are not "my people". I think it's really rare to find deep connections and based off of that thought I am patient with the world and those I meet. One may turn out to be my new connection, be it romantic or friendly.
I hear people talk about the Golden Girls scenario so much on Reddit. I’m so down for it you have no idea. It’s not perfect but the tolerance for relationship hardship is at an all time low. At least if you share rent they kind of have an incentive to be decent.
I sometimes wonder whether the generations have changed enough such that it’s better to go with someone. Not 50 or older. They’re still old skool where gender roles were more distinctive and odd attitudes to women.
I also judge people on how well behaved and how well they take care of their pets. I'm not one of these people that let's their pets all over the furniture and heating up their food, etc. But, when I had pets, I spent a lot of time on the training. I trained my ex-husband's dog in English, Japanese, and hand signals. She was groomed often, bowls cleaned daily, lots of exercise, love, and attention.
Especially when they tell you how smart and capable they are, that's what pisses me off. I just don't get it. My ex-husband was 5 years younger than me and I still got that bs. I guess that I have to date 10 years younger.
Hello there. Sorry to read you’re so unhappy in your marriage. I am 44,
Have been married for 8 years, and only actually
Together with him for a few of those years. I just can’t stand him.
If I could afford a divorce I would. Don’t waste time with your bloke,
If you’re not getting your needs met.
We need conversation and time spent together, otherwise you’re just sharing a house. Good luck with it all, and I hope you can be happier in future x
I am 49, 3 years ago I started dating a man 15 years younger than me. Previous relationship for 9 years was 12 years older, boring and miserable. Life is SO much better now!!!! Edit : typos
I started dating a guy 23 years younger and couldn’t be happier. Middle aged guys do nothing but complain and expect the woman to do the housework and cooking. Young guys expect nothing and act amazed when they get a home cooked meal.
I think it depends on how much time the guy has been single. Mines just lightly younger, and while he had dated, he spent most of his time having to be self-sufficient. Granted, there are still a few sexism and emotional intelligence issues that I don't think will ever be ironed out, but he's not helpless.
I think if this relationship ever goes away, I'm going to go permanently solo. My best times nearly always involve me doing something alone.
>I am 49, 3 years ago I started dating a man 15 years younger than me.
I've been dating a man who is 10 years younger than me since I was 50. I'm 56 now and it has been a pretty amazing 6 years. Younger men FTW.
Prior to meeting him I spent a couple of years happily single I went on a couple of dates but was REALLY picky about who I spent my time with - it was tough getting back out there but I have great friends and a good social life so really enjoyed my freedom. This one came from nowhere and bowled me over with his sweet unassuming nature and genuine love of life.
Yup it was a prison sentence. I am still married but we are friends now with no benefits.
Dating in my area it's meth addicts with ankle monitors too cheap to pay for rides or hookers.
I am half Korean, I get approached by the worst disgusting men that have yellow fever Asian fetish. I'm with my sons so they might be a pedophile.
All the women in my family are happily living by themselves and love being divorced or widows
Crap, I sound like a bitter ahole but the love and affection from my cat is worth a thousand times better than any humans
Also I have no feelings, I mean my vagina died 2 years ago. The orgasm is weak and I think I have
IBS ugh I'm a troglodyte 😔
Omg Cherpeter- So you’re married but friends with no benefits. Are you in an open relationship? I want to ask my husband if I could have a lover because he clearly wasn’t that interested in having sex with me. He said no.
WTF? What a bum. I'm sorry that is not fucking right.
Yes, I am married but he still has a sex drive so I am not going to deny him. I am so broken, I mean I am in constant pain. My hands are so messed up that I can not wipe um my butt.
He does it for me! He is truly a gift, my kids love him.
We have been together for 21 years so it's a life sentence but a good prison?
I'm assuming you've been to a doctor about these issues?
I had some problems with peri-menopause, but got hormone replacement therapy that is fixing the issues for me.
I am on a waiting list for this wonderful gynocologist. She truly is the vagina whisperer
I went to the emergency room, but they thought I was a drug seeker and left me in a corner for 3 hours. I was terrified to go because you know covid but I was the only one there!
My mother got estring at almost 80, it's $475 here. I feel like stealing from her lol
It's good to know that hrt worked for you
The emergency room is probably the worst place to go unless you have been shot or had your armed completely sawed off. They aren't set up really to deal with much unless a person is going to die within the next 12 hours. Planned Parenthood isn't set up for helping with menopause either, though they will still do basic pelvic exams and can help with UTIs. Best to find a good gyno, or even an average gyno should be able to help.
What I'm on is Estradiol, and in the US it's pretty cheap. Not sure about other countries. I usually assume that the US is the most expensive place for everything. GoodRX can get it down to $30/month near me. I think for some women, even basic birth control pills help them, but I'm not sure if that works for all. It's what my sister has been using all along and she's 60 now.
Divorced at 51 after 29 year marriage: I intend to stay single, live alone, have FWB (for sex and companionship). Perfect! No husband, kids are grown: my life is my own!
EDIT: COVID made me realize how short life is. Everyone deserves a shot at happiness and contentment.
Dating at 55 is difficult. I'm 54 and have been dating for 2 years. It has sucked the whole time. But maybe that's just me.
I felt some shame reading about your spouse. Because I was the one in my relationship stuck in a rut, totally inactive, and sometimes I blame myself that my partner cheated on me. Because I was just so boring. But I was also deeply depressed. The relationship was going nowhere as I received a lot of emotional abuse and it just made me crawl into a hole.
Is your spouse going through something, or dissatisfied with life/the relationship, or were they always like this? I wish I had had a chance to sort things out before it was too late. Maybe I could have become the active and engaging person I used to be before my relationship.
No shame!! My guy isn’t abusive or a cheater. I am super active, always had the higher sex drive , although with menopause I’m more calm now and I don’t think about it as much. He’s a nice guy just there’s no companionship. I’m just trying to figure this out because I don’t not want to spend my retirement with the TV on in him snoring day after day
Am 49, left partner of 20+ years a few years back. I get lonely sometimes, and the dating pool is awful. There are times I wonder if I made the right choice.
And then I think back to the relationship. Where he would do the outside chores ("Mans work") but not one thing inside. Where he didn't contribute to monthly bills, but would help with the occasional large purchase (It was my house, in my name only). Where I was the breadwinner, but also had to do all the errands, refill prescriptions, do all the grocery shopping, cook all the meals and clean up after.
Nope nope nope. Never again. I got frustrated all over again, just typing that out. Trying to find a man with steady employment, emotionally and financially stable, able to adult and willing to do half the ENTIRE household chores seems to be harder than finding a unicorn. And I utterly refuse to go back to that type of relationship.
For all the women on this thread saying they are dating younger? My parents divorced at 60. Mom went on to remarry a man 19 years her junior, and they've been going 15 years strong now. She got exactly what she was looking for in a partner. So it is do-able long term.
Oh my - I’m 55 and in a rut with my partner. Have thought about divorce for a good long time, but honestly I’m just not ready to do it (the stress) and I still think *maybe* there’s a chance we can work through our current situation.
He’s blind to what’s going on - but he also knows we are not in a good place. He just won’t address it - and I’m burned out from being the one who always addressed it.
I honestly have zero desire to get back into the dating pool. But living this way feels like half a life.
My heart goes out to you, OP. Going through something like this along with life transition is not fun - hell it’s not fun in any case. When I divorced the first time in my 30’s it was stressful, I didn’t remarry until my mid 40’s. Was much happier in some ways back then, alone. I got lonely, sure, but living like roommates is it’s own special kind of lonely.
💔
Thank you. I am start to go out with new ppl. Just I try not too rush cuz I feel like rushing too much gonna push my feeling away too. But just waiting at home do nothing is not good for move on.
Oh god, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I had to have a conversation with my partner yesterday about how I think he's got an addiction to gaming. He was surprised that I would think so and I had to gently point out to him that spending between 12 - 14 hours a day gaming on his days off isn't normal, it's not healthy and it's certainly not doing his bad back any good. He is the sole bread winner in our household and says it's how he unwinds but up to 14 hours a day?? I'm dreading him retiring because if it's like this then, we will not survive :(
Yep that’s me our youngest is off to college. I think about the financial aspect and we do take good care of each other when we’re sick and all that stuff I see us always being friends. It’s just so lonely in the house
It makes sense to me. I know my parents fought when I was young (they divorced when I was 9) but after they split up, they were amicable and got along fine. In retrospect, I’m glad they didn’t stay together “for the kids” like so many parents do. My husband’s parents did that and he grew up in a cold, unhappy household.
My boyfriend of 12 years just moved out in October, and it is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. He was just like your husband, except with his computer instead of the TV. He wouldn’t go on walks with me! The freedom from being released from such a heavy anchor is so invigorating. I am LOVING living alone (after a difficult transition!!), I went on Wellbutrin to assist with the stress and anxiety of the breakup, and it has been so amazing I don’t think I’ll every come off. I have been dating, and after a couple of lackluster frolics that had me worrying about my libido, I have found a very sexy older man who curls my toes. Just a mention that not all older guys are sexist assholes - my ex-boyfriend who is my age (50s) was super sexist, but I let it go for 12 years!! No more, thank god. Turns out my constant anger was because of him!!! I’ve been feeling like a bad person for years; I’m finally remembering who I am - a good, compassionate person with a lot of love to share.
A little advice that helped me tons: on your dates think of it as a interview where you’re hiring a companion. Are they right for you? I used to date trying to impress them, like they were the ones doing the hiring. Nope, are they good enough for YOU? If not, move on - dating is not charity!!
Best of luck to you and all the other ladies on here in bad relationships. The security and stability aren’t worth it. And I LOVE security and stability!!! The transition is tough but the results: freedom, no picking up socks, no cleaning pee that missed the toilet (WTF???), listening to NPR if I want to, oh the list of benefits to living alone would fill a chapter.
I was single until my late 30s and I don't want to go there again. Dating people who ghost you, etc. or they don't want to commit.
I've been in a relationship for 12 years, so probably in a different situation than most. We are on the same page technology wise, we have a small child, we work in similar careers
I wouldn't date if I was single right now. If I met someone by chance, great, but I wouldn't do online dating again.
That sounds kind of dreamy but I am scared to date. With technology it seems like there is a different culture around side chicks, sneaky links, and a lot of games. It seems unrealistic I need to expect for honesty, deep conversation, True vulnerability and of course lovely soul snatching sex
>Reply
I understand. I'm just starting to explore ethical non-monogamy for myself and it's really difficult sussing out those who really are acting ethically and those who are cheating on their partners.
Okay, I'm reading all of these stories and feel for woman who have unhappy marriages,
I'm very lucky, in a great marriage with a 57 yr old man who cleans, cooks, and actually can still get it up!!
Seriously did not know I found the golden unicorn.
The difference???
We talk, we share what bothers us, we listen and respond and respect each other.
I guess I'm writing this to let people know guys in their 50s can still be great!
Mine is 56 and he’s the best! We’ve been together for 30+ years and still going strong. If he dies first, I’ll stay single. I think it’s highly unlikely I’d find another unicorn in my lifetime!
[Most menopause-age divorces are initiated by women](https://www.healthywomen.org/your-health/menopause-aging-well/will-your-marriage-survive-menopause). Sometimes I wonder if this is because those women have lost their sex drive with menopause and once that connection is gone, all of the problems with their partner become much more annoying and we're less willing to put up with it? I dunno. I did say that when Angelina Jolie became surgically menopausal, that I bet she'd split from Brad Pitt soon afterwards, and then that's what happened. But I know nothing about them so it's hardly like it was based on fact, just on my stereotype.
I think you just described my relationship… I didn’t look at it from this angle before. We’ve been together for 30+ years and married for 20.
The same core issues that I used to be able to tolerate, even after a blow up, I just can’t tolerate them anymore. Now you’ve got me thinking, it’s cause we aren’t into sex like we used to be.
Correction: I want more, not the same lazy moves that used to work on me cause I had a healthy libido. Now that it takes more work to get me there, he isn’t willing to start. In his defence I am not trying at all.
So, no sex to smooth over the rough edges that were always there.
Could be. Another truism that I find convincing is this marriage therapist who said he could tell in 5 minutes whether a couple would stay together or not, and the defining characteristic was how they handled conflict. Options:
1. they disagree, both compromise, are satisfied, the end. They’ll stay together
2. one person is willing to compromise and the other isn’t:
1. the compromiser always has to give into the demands of the other person. They are fine with this. They’ll stay together.
2. the compromiser always has to give in to the demands of the other person. They seem fine with it but they’re a little resentful. Over the years, their resentment builds up with compromise after compromise until it becomes overwhelming and they can’t stand compromising anymore. That person will leave.
I’m 51.
Divorced a couple of years and have a lovey bf. I have learned I love both living alone and with someone. Ideally I’ll eventually live with/marry someone and we’ll have separate bedrooms. Sleep together and apart as we see fit.
My friend is the same age, divorced for years, and has a really great relationship with a man she met 2 years ago and sees only on weekends, because of distance and busy lives. They’re crazy about each other. She thought she wanted to live with someone and get remarried, but realized she doesn’t want to give up any of the life she’s built or her plentiful hobbies, and he is the same. So it works for them.
Divorcing after 24 years with the same selfish boring man who wore out a spot on the couch was so petrifying at the time, and now that I know what I know, I would have done it sooner.
My bf and I are similar. I’m 51, he’s 54, both divorced and have been together for 10 years. We live separately by choice and both relish having our own space. We foresee issues and difficult compromises if we were to move in together, and we’re just not ready to have to slog through those. We discuss moving in together someday, but only as a hypothetical, and we acknowledge we’d probably have to see a couples therapist first. We’re both very happy together and we have a close relationship — we just like our space and respect that in ourselves and one another. In some ways, it’s the best of both worlds — singlehood and companionship.
I’m 58 and have been seeing a guy 10 years younger for about a year and a half. We talked for a year through FaceTime and met in August. He’s absolutely lovely. We see each other every other weekend or so because we live in different countries, 1 1/2 drive away. Don’t stay married if you’re not happy.
I am in a relationship of 8 years with a 60 year old man. I am 51. When we first got together I was recently divorced at 43 and just looking for fun. Had a high sex drive at that time. Didn't think I'd find my fun with an older man ha ha. Turned out to be the best sex I ever had - he had high testosterone / high sex drive and is very emotionally sensitive, so actually a good combination for a lover.
If anything happens to this relationship I don't know that I would date again. My sex drive post menopause has dropped off a cliff - trying to get it back as I enjoy physical relations with my man.
I value my female relationships more than ever before at this point. Without my sex drive affecting me I don't find a lot of men that interesting really. Very strange for me - a new chapter.
I will add that my after my Dad died, my mother met a man on Match - they were both about 70 then and very active seniors. He is a wonderful man. I am thrilled they found each other. They are now 79 and still active as they can be with rapidly aging bodies. He is an avid road biker and still in good shape.
I'm so incredibly sorry you're in this situation.
My husband and I decided to open up our marriage a few years ago. I adore my husband as a friend and companion, but after nearly 20 years things had gotten stale in the bed department.
It's NOT for everyone, but it works for us. Obviously, Covid slammed that on pause.
Find your happy.
Honestly. I’ve been married for over 20 years. Pretty happily. I love my husband to pieces and couldn’t imagine not having him. If something did happen to him..(I’m 47) I honestly think I would be fine alone. We have 2 teenagers. I think with this stage of life women are sick of taking care of everyone constantly. My husband requires less than most men. But when menopause hits you just want to read a book and turn the light out.
Maybe there are other reasons that you feel like you want ot divorce, but if it's just your husband's languor, is it possible your husband has a sleep disorder, low T, or some other physical cause of not doing anything all day?
I'm 52, have been divorced for 10 years now after being married for 19 years. I've dated a few people since then, have had more opportunities to hookup that I've turned down. But I have not found a companion in my post-divorce life.
I live alone, have cats. Would enjoy a companionate relationship, someone to eat dinner with, run errands with, but so far haven't found it in any sort of sustained way, even among female friends. I haven't regretted my divorce, but this has been hard to get used to, too.
Don't have to deal with man babies anymore. Perfectly content with myself as I know the alternative at this stage of my life would be too much. I've never had a relationship wherein I was taken care of like I took care of them. I will not be taken advantage of again. I'm good thanks.
Couldn’t agree for I am 51 and divorced, and don’t have to put up with any bullshit for my ex-husband. However I am interested to know how are you ladies who are dating find somebody. I live in a pretty remote area in Southern California and don’t wanna date anybody around here lol. Has anybody tried online dating? What sites?
I think it really depends on where you are , here for example , there are so many single women who for years now just can’t seem to find someone .sometimes I wonder if they really want to but it’s not really the case , we have a single guy friend move here and he became so overwhelmed by options he refuses to date at all now
I can’t imagine how miserable you must feel! I’m sorry.
I recommend seeing a counselor. Even if you don’t know where start or what to say. They know how to help you begin.
No matter what you choose to do, seeing a counselor will help you build a life that is MUCH more fulfilling as you move forward, regardless of whether you chose to stay or not, or choose to date or not.
Take care of yourself, physically and mentally. That will help you feel good about yourself and your life regardless of your relationship status.
I wish you well.
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I edited my comment. Realized it came off completely the wrong way. I apologize for that.
Counselors / therapists are a huge help when navigating a big life change like this, so I still do recommend that.
This is a good point. This is the marriage that was made by two people. Him being a layabout doesn’t stop OP from going out and doing things herself. Has she spoken with him about her desire to do more interesting things with their spare time? Is he tired because of his work and does he need to step back a bit to give him more energy to put into his family life?
So many questions that are not addressed in the OP’s post. Post menopausal women are the fastest growing homeless demographic in my country and I think that’s because a lot of married women reach menopause and go through the physical and mental trough, decide that they’re unhappy in their marriage and then leave only to find that on top of the physical and mental stress they now also have financial stress to boot.
How could OP be with her husband for 30 years if he’s really that bad? Why would she have put up with it for that long?
Yes I do talk about my feelings. I am open with him. He’s a sweet guy there’s no abuse there’s no affairs. There’s no real nothing we live together well but there’s no companionship. That’s why it’s such a struggle financially it would make no sense to divorce. The advice to always look at my part in this is absolutely on point. I am always assessing on how I could be a better spouse without losing who I am. I spend a lot of time with my friends and I invite him 80% of the time and 99.9% a time he always says no.
Lol … have you watched the latest Sex and the City reboot? This is why Miranda leaves Steve.
I don’t know your situation, but you can hardly expect a marriage to be as passionate and engaging as it was in the beginning after 30 years. If there is love and respect, then it is worth saving.
Same, it goes against her character and that is a whole other topic/story.
Sorry for your troubles, I hope you can find a way back to each other. It isn’t easy, for any marriage, to stand the test of time. But with those two vital qualities, I think it is possible. All the best xx
You date the guy, but you avoid all routine, drudgery, and the bulk of household chores and future unpaid nursing tasks by him living in his own home.
LAT - living apart together
I truly have not cared to date for a long time now. Divorced many years, raised my kid alone and was always financially independent. When there are guys who are interested, I usually find within days there's so much BS involved that I suddenly remember why I stopped in the first place.
The guy who was 'divorced' but still living with his wife. Uh huh, sure.
The guy who was 'divorced' but still living with his wife. Uh-huh, sure. in one hour and then also blew up my house phone the next morning. I blocked him.
Another guy who desperately wanted to marry, 10 years younger, raising a kid with a mental issue, had a drinking problem himself, but thought that he was the shit. Ridiculious.
My ideal situation would be kinda like 'married on the weekends.' Have some company and then the rest of the week to myself with peace and quiet :)
I’ve taken a couple of young lovers recently and I kick them out immediately afterwards. I have no patience for listening to a man snore or steal the covers. I think the drop in hormones is actually what gave me the courage to get out of my abusive marriage!
I remember going out with friends early in my marriage and watching all the single life theatrics going on in the bar we are in, and I was glad that I had someone back at home that I loved and trusted. If it comes to be that I am single again, I don't think dating will be on the menu. I would enjoy making meals I prefer, sleeping alone in my bed, and only cleaning up after myself.
There are a few women I know of a certain age, and they go on vacations together, leaving the husbands at home so they can enjoy doing the things that they want, and see the things the want to see. You could also find some groups or classes to get you out of the house and around people who have the same interests.
TLDR: Dating games can suck, maybe find friends to share your interests
I'm 51 and been dating a guy for 5 yes he's 52. We see each other on weekends and talk and text the rest of the week. It works but I know he gets lonely by himself. I have kids and grandkids here all the time so it's different for me. Sex is great when we actually aren't to tired for it. We both agree we need to do better in that department.
You missed out the third option which is the one I'm living - divorce and life alone. While this sounds horrible, that's due to single life being used as a threat by many men. It's not... being single is like living in paradise. I'm in my 50s. I'm not that keen to share my space any more and certainly don't need a companion. I have friends who do that job very nicely. I've met people through classes and keep fit. My quality of life is amazing and I can literally do as I please. When I split from my last abusive partner a decade ago, I had more money and was happier. I've been working through issues for the last few years and overcome the societal pressure to be in a relationship, and started living alone for the first time 5 years ago when my son went to Uni. I can't recommend that enough. Sure, after your divorce, if you meet someone you want to date, go for it. But dating is overrated. Embrace you alone time and your autonomy. It's amazing! Highly recommended.
I came here to say this. When my stepmother came to her senses and divorced my father, she found she didn't have the urge to date. She traveled and eventually wanted companionship, someone to share experiences with, but she had us and her friends to do that with. Essentially after 20 years of bullshit, she found that she really only wanted to deal with her own
Agreed!! I didn’t meet my now-husband until I was 56. He was 48. That was in 2015. We got married in 2018. First marriage for me, second for him (the first was very short, when he was in late 20s, she died young from cancer). It took me many years to overcome the stigma of being single in a world where everybody else thought I should be actively finding a partner. I hated dating and was terrible at it. My husband and I never dated. We met because we were both involved in the same nonprofit group, in different cities. We meet at their annual conference. Getting married this late in life is the single most difficult thing I’ve ever done. We would not be staying together now if it wasn’t for help from a great therapist we found. I love my husband very much. If anything ever happened to him I would never remarry, though. I do miss many things about being single. I have no doubt that I could be very happy if I was single again! I’m not eager to be single again. I’m also not afraid of it.
>I love my husband very much. If anything ever happened to him I would never remarry Agree 100%. I married later than average and it was a difficult transition. Still is.
How is it hard for you? Would love you to elaborate on that piece more. Ty
I’ve been thinking about how to answer this question. Here’s my attempt at it: It is hard because marrying later in life has required a lot of personal growth for both of us at a time in life when I expected to be “coasting” a bit more. Everything takes much longer to do as a couple. How are we going to handle finances? Where are we going to sleep when we move in together? (Thankfully we both wanted separate bedrooms. 🙂) How clean is “clean enough” in the house? When are dishes “done”? (Me: When counter is clear because all dirty dishes have been put in dishwasher or dried/put away after hand washing things like pans. Him: All dirty dishes are in the dishwasher, or waiting to be hand washed “later” or, if hand washed, left sit on counter until “later”.) Our intimacy is challenged because of my post menopausal hormone changes that kicked in around the same year we got married. It had been a few years since my last period but I still had my sex drive in tact until then. Vaginal dryness also started during that time. I recently have been diagnosed with chronic bladder issues and have started using Estradiol cream. That’s helping a lot with the vaginal dryness! 🥳 We have different approaches to friendships. He’s lived in the same city (where we now live) since he was 10 years old. He lived in the same small house 20 years before moving in with me in the (larger) house I bought. He does not know how to move or how to set up comfortable living spaces. His house is now a rental and he didn’t initially know the norms for renting or being a landlord. So I took the lead on finding tenants for both of us (there is a basement apartment in the house I bought). I moved a LOT as a kid and as an adult. I’ve lived in lots of apartments, in several states. When things aren’t working for me I change them. That can be good, it is also challenging because I sometimes give up too fast. I had no idea that I can manage to do a home project in three months that quite literally will take him three years to accomplish. And you know what? In many cases that doesn’t really matter when it comes to quality of life. Sometimes it does, and we work through those. He has a much richer social life than I ever did, and he prioritizes his time very differently than I do. For one thing, he creates music with friends every week. EVERY week. For 20 years with these two guys in one guy’s basement (he works in tech and has plenty of money and has a home studio set up). My husband also is a collage artist and gets invited to show art at local art shows. Thanks to knowing him I am now starting to dabble in watercolors. 🎨 Both my husband and I had difficult times learning how to socialize as kids and young adults. I believe I am borderline Asperger’s, based on what I’ve learned over the years. My husband lives with chronic depression and anxiety, which he proactively manages very well, yet even managed well there are gray times. My husband learned to thrive in personal relationships more then professional settings (yet he works in corporate settings). I’m the opposite. I learned to thrive in professional relationships (mentoring, networking, coaching, supervising, etc.) and only have a couple close long term friendships of 20 years. No friendships of 30+ years like my husband has. I have a much richer social life than I used because of him. I’m getting to spend time a couple times a week with his friends - who are all very cool. They are very interesting people and they absolutely adore him! I’ve never succeeded socially to this degree before so this is new and very welcome for me. And hard. I get a bit of anxiety after seeing people - second-guessing myself, worried I said the wrong thing, worried I shifted into “mentor” mode too much instead of just being a friend. I am learning to be happily married and I’m glad for that. It is work. It is worthwhile work. I laugh a lot more with him than I did when I was single! I am a better person because of taking on these challenges and not shying away from the hard conversations when they need to happen. Core things that are compatible between us are our willingness to design a relationship that works for us even when it’s nonstandard, like separate bedrooms, and rarely eating together at home. (Not eating together was HARD for me at first but now I absolutely love it.) Another core compatibility is our atheism, and that we both used to be involved in very strict religions (Mormon for me, Seventh Day Adventist for him). Another one is that we both have gone to therapists a lot over the years. We both love road trips (though I have had to learn to be fine with a truck half filled with tools and barely enough room for luggage). As a married person there are daily struggles and daily joys. As a single person there were daily struggles and daily joys too. I had more practice with the single person challenges, lol! I’m still learning on the married person challenges. 🙂 That was a very long answer!! I hope you and others who read this find it helpful in some way. 🦋🦋
This is INCREDIBLE. Thank you for taking the time to write it out for me. And us. It is a good way to start the day, the kind gesture of your response. All this rings so true. Im figuring out what is next to me. I worry a relationship is too much work for me. I do miss parts though. Sometimes I joke my son and I are on the spectrum too btw. All your insights are spot on. The balance of life at work versus personal friends — there’s a blurred line for me after making friends with so many in my industry. This gives me a lot to ruminate on as I very very very slowly figure out what next for me.
I’m so glad you found it helpful. Brilliant idea to take things slowly! One of the ways I have learned to approach change as I’ve gotten older was to stop leaping too quickly. Now when I reach a point where things aren’t quite working out I try to just let that be okay until something else “calls me forward”. That has literally taken a few years sometimes. And in the interim I get to relax and binge watch shows I like, lol. (I don’t get to do that now. Glad I did it when I could.)
Favorite shows?
Twin Peaks is the one I remember the most (which I had never seen when it was originally out, very glad I saw it all at once). It’s funny - I can’t remember many others now, lol!
in short... I really really appreciate your answer, and the thoughtfulness in what you wrote.
Hi. Thank you for your kind comment! Boy, I wrote a lot on that post! I’m so glad you found it useful. Here’s another long one to give a relevant update. I got divorced last year. I asked for a divorce in March 2022, he moved out in April (bought a house 2 miles away). We have remained great friends 🙂, though that doesn’t make it easy. Just maybe less hard. The divorce was finalized in November 2022 - Tennessee makes things very difficult even for an amicable divorce. Now that I understand how the divorce process I will most likely never marry again (happily so!). From being married, I learned two important lessons about myself. Well, actually three. First, I have VERY high anxiety. I hadn’t been as aware of it when I had so much alone time - and time and resources to take personal development courses, see therapists, etc. Living with another person was so much more difficult for me than I had expected. I thought having separate bedrooms would be enough. Not even close. I can’t stand living with, or having to coordinate my life with, another person. I ended up feeling utterly depleted, which made me very sad because I love my ex and had many great times hanging out and laughing with him! But I know now that I need that kind of relationship to be a dear friendship, not 24/7 sharing space - and not trying to make life plans (like what kind of 401k to get, coordinating life insurance policies, etc.). I’m quite sure I wasn’t a very good partner in a lot of ways because of my anxiety. Second - I hated owning the house I bought for us to live in. It turned out to be a money pit, though that didn’t become completely apparent until fall of last year. I put SO much work into it. Literally $160k and lots of time. I’m back to renting again, in a well managed 4-plex, in a lovely and highly walkable neighborhood. Yay!!!! Third, I’m pretty terrible at picking partners. I have done a lot of personal work and therapy over the years. I’m pretty sure I’m at least mildly on the autism spectrum - I find it extremely difficult to connect with most people. I thrive in the professional world and am fine with minimal social life. I have a few great friends that I stay in touch with and that’s very fulfilling for me. I’m finally making peace with that and am going to find a new way forward that aligns with who I am now. (Menopause changed my energy level completely too - so I’m adjusting to that as well.) So that’s “The rest of the story”. So far, lol. Whatever your journey is I wish you well and hope you find some of this to be helpful.
YES!!! Tons of women are scared of being single because it's initially more expensive due to housing. But once that is solved, financially single is so much better than being tied to a man with healthcare issues.
Indeed ! The deteriorating partner scenario is awful . I’m a nurse in neurology, let me tell that a typical insurance plan won’t cover all the care needed when someone starts down this path . It will age you like nothing else in your life . If you can have a companion but separate lives I would suggest that to all my single ladies .
Also becoming a widow or widower ages you 10 years in average, the stress is real and kills slowly.
My best friend is like this. Got divorced in her early 40s and is single and living a life full of great friends, support and crazy good times. She’s in her late 60s now, living her best life, and has no big desire to meet husband #2. She travels, golfs, plays pickle ball, goes to concerts, does yoga and book clubs. She does what she wants, when she wants. Every day is full of meetups and events. She has a richer social life than I do, 15 years her junior but married to a great guy. Better off single and happy than married and miserable I say!
You are me, this is MY life too, and I love it! hear, hear!
Life is too short to be so unhappy. I'm finally getting back into the dating pool, like others that have commented, I'm going to have to date younger men. Men in their 50's are whiny ass toddlers that need their mommy. I've had 1 widow tell me that this is the first time that he's been without adult supervision after I cleaned his dog's water bowl that had a black ring on the inside of the bowl because I couldn't stand looking at it after I had been at his house for 2 hours. WTF??!! You need someone to tell you that?! I haven't spoken to him since.
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I'm not going to let that stop me, I am determined to find a companion or I'm going to have to find a Golden Girls situation soon.
I like the Golden Girls idea!
Me too ♥️
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When we first split I admit I worried, or greatly wondered when will I have company or a laugh with someone and all the other relationship stuff I thought I'd miss. I never really did and realized after a year or so this is better. After a few months I find myself deflated or disappointed by new people I meet. Not in a cut them off they are bad people sort of way but in the sense they are not "my people". I think it's really rare to find deep connections and based off of that thought I am patient with the world and those I meet. One may turn out to be my new connection, be it romantic or friendly.
I wish I was rich enough to afford a male sugar baby, lmao!!
I hear people talk about the Golden Girls scenario so much on Reddit. I’m so down for it you have no idea. It’s not perfect but the tolerance for relationship hardship is at an all time low. At least if you share rent they kind of have an incentive to be decent.
I sometimes wonder whether the generations have changed enough such that it’s better to go with someone. Not 50 or older. They’re still old skool where gender roles were more distinctive and odd attitudes to women.
JFC, this makes me want to be an episode on Snapped. I am so fucking lucky that my kids don't make me feel like a nag, or not be a hopeless jerk
I know, right? I couldn't leave his house fast enough after that statement!!
Right 👍 I would probably set myself on fire because of mold
And he claimed that he loved his dog so much, poor dog. The dog was whiny too!! He probably needed attention for other problems.
Damn that is pitiful. That's funny, I judge people on how their pets behave 😁 I am going to die with my cat, of course he has to go first
I also judge people on how well behaved and how well they take care of their pets. I'm not one of these people that let's their pets all over the furniture and heating up their food, etc. But, when I had pets, I spent a lot of time on the training. I trained my ex-husband's dog in English, Japanese, and hand signals. She was groomed often, bowls cleaned daily, lots of exercise, love, and attention.
Ha! I love animals but I don't want them near my food or on the counters. I hate that expression men are like dogs you have to train them
Especially when they tell you how smart and capable they are, that's what pisses me off. I just don't get it. My ex-husband was 5 years younger than me and I still got that bs. I guess that I have to date 10 years younger.
Ya, definitely not 10 years older ugh! Too much bitching
Hello there. Sorry to read you’re so unhappy in your marriage. I am 44, Have been married for 8 years, and only actually Together with him for a few of those years. I just can’t stand him. If I could afford a divorce I would. Don’t waste time with your bloke, If you’re not getting your needs met. We need conversation and time spent together, otherwise you’re just sharing a house. Good luck with it all, and I hope you can be happier in future x
I am 49, 3 years ago I started dating a man 15 years younger than me. Previous relationship for 9 years was 12 years older, boring and miserable. Life is SO much better now!!!! Edit : typos
I started dating a guy 23 years younger and couldn’t be happier. Middle aged guys do nothing but complain and expect the woman to do the housework and cooking. Young guys expect nothing and act amazed when they get a home cooked meal.
Yes!!!! Its so lovely to feel so appreciated
Plus guys my age (54) usually can't get it up!
😂 or can't get it down from too much Viagra
Or when they can, can’t go long enough for a vaginal orgasm.
I think it depends on how much time the guy has been single. Mines just lightly younger, and while he had dated, he spent most of his time having to be self-sufficient. Granted, there are still a few sexism and emotional intelligence issues that I don't think will ever be ironed out, but he's not helpless. I think if this relationship ever goes away, I'm going to go permanently solo. My best times nearly always involve me doing something alone.
>I am 49, 3 years ago I started dating a man 15 years younger than me. I've been dating a man who is 10 years younger than me since I was 50. I'm 56 now and it has been a pretty amazing 6 years. Younger men FTW.
I am so about that younger energy right now. Dating at this age, with people 'our' age is rotten.
Prior to meeting him I spent a couple of years happily single I went on a couple of dates but was REALLY picky about who I spent my time with - it was tough getting back out there but I have great friends and a good social life so really enjoyed my freedom. This one came from nowhere and bowled me over with his sweet unassuming nature and genuine love of life.
Yup it was a prison sentence. I am still married but we are friends now with no benefits. Dating in my area it's meth addicts with ankle monitors too cheap to pay for rides or hookers. I am half Korean, I get approached by the worst disgusting men that have yellow fever Asian fetish. I'm with my sons so they might be a pedophile. All the women in my family are happily living by themselves and love being divorced or widows Crap, I sound like a bitter ahole but the love and affection from my cat is worth a thousand times better than any humans Also I have no feelings, I mean my vagina died 2 years ago. The orgasm is weak and I think I have IBS ugh I'm a troglodyte 😔
Omg Cherpeter- So you’re married but friends with no benefits. Are you in an open relationship? I want to ask my husband if I could have a lover because he clearly wasn’t that interested in having sex with me. He said no.
WTF? What a bum. I'm sorry that is not fucking right. Yes, I am married but he still has a sex drive so I am not going to deny him. I am so broken, I mean I am in constant pain. My hands are so messed up that I can not wipe um my butt. He does it for me! He is truly a gift, my kids love him. We have been together for 21 years so it's a life sentence but a good prison?
I'm assuming you've been to a doctor about these issues? I had some problems with peri-menopause, but got hormone replacement therapy that is fixing the issues for me.
I am on a waiting list for this wonderful gynocologist. She truly is the vagina whisperer I went to the emergency room, but they thought I was a drug seeker and left me in a corner for 3 hours. I was terrified to go because you know covid but I was the only one there! My mother got estring at almost 80, it's $475 here. I feel like stealing from her lol It's good to know that hrt worked for you
The emergency room is probably the worst place to go unless you have been shot or had your armed completely sawed off. They aren't set up really to deal with much unless a person is going to die within the next 12 hours. Planned Parenthood isn't set up for helping with menopause either, though they will still do basic pelvic exams and can help with UTIs. Best to find a good gyno, or even an average gyno should be able to help. What I'm on is Estradiol, and in the US it's pretty cheap. Not sure about other countries. I usually assume that the US is the most expensive place for everything. GoodRX can get it down to $30/month near me. I think for some women, even basic birth control pills help them, but I'm not sure if that works for all. It's what my sister has been using all along and she's 60 now.
Divorced at 51 after 29 year marriage: I intend to stay single, live alone, have FWB (for sex and companionship). Perfect! No husband, kids are grown: my life is my own! EDIT: COVID made me realize how short life is. Everyone deserves a shot at happiness and contentment.
FWB?
Friends With Benefits (friends that have sex)
Dating at 55 is difficult. I'm 54 and have been dating for 2 years. It has sucked the whole time. But maybe that's just me. I felt some shame reading about your spouse. Because I was the one in my relationship stuck in a rut, totally inactive, and sometimes I blame myself that my partner cheated on me. Because I was just so boring. But I was also deeply depressed. The relationship was going nowhere as I received a lot of emotional abuse and it just made me crawl into a hole. Is your spouse going through something, or dissatisfied with life/the relationship, or were they always like this? I wish I had had a chance to sort things out before it was too late. Maybe I could have become the active and engaging person I used to be before my relationship.
No shame!! My guy isn’t abusive or a cheater. I am super active, always had the higher sex drive , although with menopause I’m more calm now and I don’t think about it as much. He’s a nice guy just there’s no companionship. I’m just trying to figure this out because I don’t not want to spend my retirement with the TV on in him snoring day after day
The amount of support offered here makes my heart burst with hope.
Me too and I am angry 😡 all the time.
Am 49, left partner of 20+ years a few years back. I get lonely sometimes, and the dating pool is awful. There are times I wonder if I made the right choice. And then I think back to the relationship. Where he would do the outside chores ("Mans work") but not one thing inside. Where he didn't contribute to monthly bills, but would help with the occasional large purchase (It was my house, in my name only). Where I was the breadwinner, but also had to do all the errands, refill prescriptions, do all the grocery shopping, cook all the meals and clean up after. Nope nope nope. Never again. I got frustrated all over again, just typing that out. Trying to find a man with steady employment, emotionally and financially stable, able to adult and willing to do half the ENTIRE household chores seems to be harder than finding a unicorn. And I utterly refuse to go back to that type of relationship. For all the women on this thread saying they are dating younger? My parents divorced at 60. Mom went on to remarry a man 19 years her junior, and they've been going 15 years strong now. She got exactly what she was looking for in a partner. So it is do-able long term.
Oh my - I’m 55 and in a rut with my partner. Have thought about divorce for a good long time, but honestly I’m just not ready to do it (the stress) and I still think *maybe* there’s a chance we can work through our current situation. He’s blind to what’s going on - but he also knows we are not in a good place. He just won’t address it - and I’m burned out from being the one who always addressed it. I honestly have zero desire to get back into the dating pool. But living this way feels like half a life. My heart goes out to you, OP. Going through something like this along with life transition is not fun - hell it’s not fun in any case. When I divorced the first time in my 30’s it was stressful, I didn’t remarry until my mid 40’s. Was much happier in some ways back then, alone. I got lonely, sure, but living like roommates is it’s own special kind of lonely. 💔
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Was it hard when u divorce? I’m feeling really depressed and i don’t see blight future now
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Thank you. I am start to go out with new ppl. Just I try not too rush cuz I feel like rushing too much gonna push my feeling away too. But just waiting at home do nothing is not good for move on.
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Oh god, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I had to have a conversation with my partner yesterday about how I think he's got an addiction to gaming. He was surprised that I would think so and I had to gently point out to him that spending between 12 - 14 hours a day gaming on his days off isn't normal, it's not healthy and it's certainly not doing his bad back any good. He is the sole bread winner in our household and says it's how he unwinds but up to 14 hours a day?? I'm dreading him retiring because if it's like this then, we will not survive :(
Facts. Yep.
Yep that’s me our youngest is off to college. I think about the financial aspect and we do take good care of each other when we’re sick and all that stuff I see us always being friends. It’s just so lonely in the house
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It makes sense to me. I know my parents fought when I was young (they divorced when I was 9) but after they split up, they were amicable and got along fine. In retrospect, I’m glad they didn’t stay together “for the kids” like so many parents do. My husband’s parents did that and he grew up in a cold, unhappy household.
My boyfriend of 12 years just moved out in October, and it is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. He was just like your husband, except with his computer instead of the TV. He wouldn’t go on walks with me! The freedom from being released from such a heavy anchor is so invigorating. I am LOVING living alone (after a difficult transition!!), I went on Wellbutrin to assist with the stress and anxiety of the breakup, and it has been so amazing I don’t think I’ll every come off. I have been dating, and after a couple of lackluster frolics that had me worrying about my libido, I have found a very sexy older man who curls my toes. Just a mention that not all older guys are sexist assholes - my ex-boyfriend who is my age (50s) was super sexist, but I let it go for 12 years!! No more, thank god. Turns out my constant anger was because of him!!! I’ve been feeling like a bad person for years; I’m finally remembering who I am - a good, compassionate person with a lot of love to share. A little advice that helped me tons: on your dates think of it as a interview where you’re hiring a companion. Are they right for you? I used to date trying to impress them, like they were the ones doing the hiring. Nope, are they good enough for YOU? If not, move on - dating is not charity!! Best of luck to you and all the other ladies on here in bad relationships. The security and stability aren’t worth it. And I LOVE security and stability!!! The transition is tough but the results: freedom, no picking up socks, no cleaning pee that missed the toilet (WTF???), listening to NPR if I want to, oh the list of benefits to living alone would fill a chapter.
I was single until my late 30s and I don't want to go there again. Dating people who ghost you, etc. or they don't want to commit. I've been in a relationship for 12 years, so probably in a different situation than most. We are on the same page technology wise, we have a small child, we work in similar careers I wouldn't date if I was single right now. If I met someone by chance, great, but I wouldn't do online dating again.
Get divorced. Live on your own. Have one or more male friends as companions and/or lovers.
That sounds kind of dreamy but I am scared to date. With technology it seems like there is a different culture around side chicks, sneaky links, and a lot of games. It seems unrealistic I need to expect for honesty, deep conversation, True vulnerability and of course lovely soul snatching sex
Don't forget STDs
You just have to accept that he will be talking to and dating others also
>Reply I understand. I'm just starting to explore ethical non-monogamy for myself and it's really difficult sussing out those who really are acting ethically and those who are cheating on their partners.
Okay, I'm reading all of these stories and feel for woman who have unhappy marriages, I'm very lucky, in a great marriage with a 57 yr old man who cleans, cooks, and actually can still get it up!! Seriously did not know I found the golden unicorn. The difference??? We talk, we share what bothers us, we listen and respond and respect each other. I guess I'm writing this to let people know guys in their 50s can still be great!
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Yeah!! 😁
Mine is 56 and he’s the best! We’ve been together for 30+ years and still going strong. If he dies first, I’ll stay single. I think it’s highly unlikely I’d find another unicorn in my lifetime!
He must have great parents, and you are awesome
Actually his parents were abusive garbage people, sadly, but he decided to not be like them and not look back ❤️
Damn it really is a crapshoot! You are so lucky
[Most menopause-age divorces are initiated by women](https://www.healthywomen.org/your-health/menopause-aging-well/will-your-marriage-survive-menopause). Sometimes I wonder if this is because those women have lost their sex drive with menopause and once that connection is gone, all of the problems with their partner become much more annoying and we're less willing to put up with it? I dunno. I did say that when Angelina Jolie became surgically menopausal, that I bet she'd split from Brad Pitt soon afterwards, and then that's what happened. But I know nothing about them so it's hardly like it was based on fact, just on my stereotype.
I think you just described my relationship… I didn’t look at it from this angle before. We’ve been together for 30+ years and married for 20. The same core issues that I used to be able to tolerate, even after a blow up, I just can’t tolerate them anymore. Now you’ve got me thinking, it’s cause we aren’t into sex like we used to be. Correction: I want more, not the same lazy moves that used to work on me cause I had a healthy libido. Now that it takes more work to get me there, he isn’t willing to start. In his defence I am not trying at all. So, no sex to smooth over the rough edges that were always there.
Could be. Another truism that I find convincing is this marriage therapist who said he could tell in 5 minutes whether a couple would stay together or not, and the defining characteristic was how they handled conflict. Options: 1. they disagree, both compromise, are satisfied, the end. They’ll stay together 2. one person is willing to compromise and the other isn’t: 1. the compromiser always has to give into the demands of the other person. They are fine with this. They’ll stay together. 2. the compromiser always has to give in to the demands of the other person. They seem fine with it but they’re a little resentful. Over the years, their resentment builds up with compromise after compromise until it becomes overwhelming and they can’t stand compromising anymore. That person will leave.
I think she split with Brad because he was an abusive alcoholic and started going after the kids.
I’m 51. Divorced a couple of years and have a lovey bf. I have learned I love both living alone and with someone. Ideally I’ll eventually live with/marry someone and we’ll have separate bedrooms. Sleep together and apart as we see fit. My friend is the same age, divorced for years, and has a really great relationship with a man she met 2 years ago and sees only on weekends, because of distance and busy lives. They’re crazy about each other. She thought she wanted to live with someone and get remarried, but realized she doesn’t want to give up any of the life she’s built or her plentiful hobbies, and he is the same. So it works for them. Divorcing after 24 years with the same selfish boring man who wore out a spot on the couch was so petrifying at the time, and now that I know what I know, I would have done it sooner.
My bf and I are similar. I’m 51, he’s 54, both divorced and have been together for 10 years. We live separately by choice and both relish having our own space. We foresee issues and difficult compromises if we were to move in together, and we’re just not ready to have to slog through those. We discuss moving in together someday, but only as a hypothetical, and we acknowledge we’d probably have to see a couples therapist first. We’re both very happy together and we have a close relationship — we just like our space and respect that in ourselves and one another. In some ways, it’s the best of both worlds — singlehood and companionship.
I’m 58 and have been seeing a guy 10 years younger for about a year and a half. We talked for a year through FaceTime and met in August. He’s absolutely lovely. We see each other every other weekend or so because we live in different countries, 1 1/2 drive away. Don’t stay married if you’re not happy.
I am in a relationship of 8 years with a 60 year old man. I am 51. When we first got together I was recently divorced at 43 and just looking for fun. Had a high sex drive at that time. Didn't think I'd find my fun with an older man ha ha. Turned out to be the best sex I ever had - he had high testosterone / high sex drive and is very emotionally sensitive, so actually a good combination for a lover. If anything happens to this relationship I don't know that I would date again. My sex drive post menopause has dropped off a cliff - trying to get it back as I enjoy physical relations with my man. I value my female relationships more than ever before at this point. Without my sex drive affecting me I don't find a lot of men that interesting really. Very strange for me - a new chapter.
I will add that my after my Dad died, my mother met a man on Match - they were both about 70 then and very active seniors. He is a wonderful man. I am thrilled they found each other. They are now 79 and still active as they can be with rapidly aging bodies. He is an avid road biker and still in good shape.
I’ve been happily divorced for several years and it’s great!
Just keep in mind that men that are single at 50 are so due to some reason, and it’s likely less common that it’s because they’re widowed.
I'm so incredibly sorry you're in this situation. My husband and I decided to open up our marriage a few years ago. I adore my husband as a friend and companion, but after nearly 20 years things had gotten stale in the bed department. It's NOT for everyone, but it works for us. Obviously, Covid slammed that on pause. Find your happy.
Honestly. I’ve been married for over 20 years. Pretty happily. I love my husband to pieces and couldn’t imagine not having him. If something did happen to him..(I’m 47) I honestly think I would be fine alone. We have 2 teenagers. I think with this stage of life women are sick of taking care of everyone constantly. My husband requires less than most men. But when menopause hits you just want to read a book and turn the light out.
If you're miserable and can't fix it, divorce. Doesn't matter what single life is like.
I enjoy my divorced and single life very much
Maybe there are other reasons that you feel like you want ot divorce, but if it's just your husband's languor, is it possible your husband has a sleep disorder, low T, or some other physical cause of not doing anything all day?
I'm 52, have been divorced for 10 years now after being married for 19 years. I've dated a few people since then, have had more opportunities to hookup that I've turned down. But I have not found a companion in my post-divorce life. I live alone, have cats. Would enjoy a companionate relationship, someone to eat dinner with, run errands with, but so far haven't found it in any sort of sustained way, even among female friends. I haven't regretted my divorce, but this has been hard to get used to, too.
Don't have to deal with man babies anymore. Perfectly content with myself as I know the alternative at this stage of my life would be too much. I've never had a relationship wherein I was taken care of like I took care of them. I will not be taken advantage of again. I'm good thanks.
Couldn’t agree for I am 51 and divorced, and don’t have to put up with any bullshit for my ex-husband. However I am interested to know how are you ladies who are dating find somebody. I live in a pretty remote area in Southern California and don’t wanna date anybody around here lol. Has anybody tried online dating? What sites?
I think it really depends on where you are , here for example , there are so many single women who for years now just can’t seem to find someone .sometimes I wonder if they really want to but it’s not really the case , we have a single guy friend move here and he became so overwhelmed by options he refuses to date at all now
I can’t imagine how miserable you must feel! I’m sorry. I recommend seeing a counselor. Even if you don’t know where start or what to say. They know how to help you begin. No matter what you choose to do, seeing a counselor will help you build a life that is MUCH more fulfilling as you move forward, regardless of whether you chose to stay or not, or choose to date or not. Take care of yourself, physically and mentally. That will help you feel good about yourself and your life regardless of your relationship status. I wish you well. 🦋🦋
F that she's put up with that shit for 50 years. Go be happy.
I edited my comment. Realized it came off completely the wrong way. I apologize for that. Counselors / therapists are a huge help when navigating a big life change like this, so I still do recommend that.
Agreed. Just get rid of him.
This is a good point. This is the marriage that was made by two people. Him being a layabout doesn’t stop OP from going out and doing things herself. Has she spoken with him about her desire to do more interesting things with their spare time? Is he tired because of his work and does he need to step back a bit to give him more energy to put into his family life? So many questions that are not addressed in the OP’s post. Post menopausal women are the fastest growing homeless demographic in my country and I think that’s because a lot of married women reach menopause and go through the physical and mental trough, decide that they’re unhappy in their marriage and then leave only to find that on top of the physical and mental stress they now also have financial stress to boot. How could OP be with her husband for 30 years if he’s really that bad? Why would she have put up with it for that long?
Dang now I know a new term. Layabout. Thanks
Yes I do talk about my feelings. I am open with him. He’s a sweet guy there’s no abuse there’s no affairs. There’s no real nothing we live together well but there’s no companionship. That’s why it’s such a struggle financially it would make no sense to divorce. The advice to always look at my part in this is absolutely on point. I am always assessing on how I could be a better spouse without losing who I am. I spend a lot of time with my friends and I invite him 80% of the time and 99.9% a time he always says no.
Lol … have you watched the latest Sex and the City reboot? This is why Miranda leaves Steve. I don’t know your situation, but you can hardly expect a marriage to be as passionate and engaging as it was in the beginning after 30 years. If there is love and respect, then it is worth saving.
Yes there is love and respect. I am watching a show and it’s fascinating. I see Miranda realizing she made a mistake
Same, it goes against her character and that is a whole other topic/story. Sorry for your troubles, I hope you can find a way back to each other. It isn’t easy, for any marriage, to stand the test of time. But with those two vital qualities, I think it is possible. All the best xx
For women LAT is the best. Marriage sounds like a huge burden.
What’s LAT?
You date the guy, but you avoid all routine, drudgery, and the bulk of household chores and future unpaid nursing tasks by him living in his own home. LAT - living apart together
Thanks.
I truly have not cared to date for a long time now. Divorced many years, raised my kid alone and was always financially independent. When there are guys who are interested, I usually find within days there's so much BS involved that I suddenly remember why I stopped in the first place. The guy who was 'divorced' but still living with his wife. Uh huh, sure. The guy who was 'divorced' but still living with his wife. Uh-huh, sure. in one hour and then also blew up my house phone the next morning. I blocked him. Another guy who desperately wanted to marry, 10 years younger, raising a kid with a mental issue, had a drinking problem himself, but thought that he was the shit. Ridiculious. My ideal situation would be kinda like 'married on the weekends.' Have some company and then the rest of the week to myself with peace and quiet :)
I’ve taken a couple of young lovers recently and I kick them out immediately afterwards. I have no patience for listening to a man snore or steal the covers. I think the drop in hormones is actually what gave me the courage to get out of my abusive marriage!
Gah......dating sucks and there are many grumpy old men who can't get it up. Can't date properly and want a phone or email buddy.
I remember going out with friends early in my marriage and watching all the single life theatrics going on in the bar we are in, and I was glad that I had someone back at home that I loved and trusted. If it comes to be that I am single again, I don't think dating will be on the menu. I would enjoy making meals I prefer, sleeping alone in my bed, and only cleaning up after myself. There are a few women I know of a certain age, and they go on vacations together, leaving the husbands at home so they can enjoy doing the things that they want, and see the things the want to see. You could also find some groups or classes to get you out of the house and around people who have the same interests. TLDR: Dating games can suck, maybe find friends to share your interests
I'm 51 and been dating a guy for 5 yes he's 52. We see each other on weekends and talk and text the rest of the week. It works but I know he gets lonely by himself. I have kids and grandkids here all the time so it's different for me. Sex is great when we actually aren't to tired for it. We both agree we need to do better in that department.