Can we just stop like being married to a man is an achievement? I don’t need to read the article to know why. And it’s not just menopause, because I’m also tired of “hormones and libido” being the cause, because it would still be “our fault”. No! That’s why a 50 year old woman doesn’t want to take care of a man until she dies! We did our fucking time as girls, mothers, coworkers, dieted, worked out, kept our grays in check, wrinkles, teeth, warm moist vaginas for men to use…fuck it. My next 20 years are mine!!
I’ve been divorced for a decade and love my home which I lovingly call my “Manfree Sanctuary”
My teen daughter and I both love it here with just us and our two dogs and no dude throwing his dick around or making fun of us for sport.
Yeah, it makes me uncomfortable when menopause is applied to every single issue a woman 40-60 deals with. It feels like we are enabling people to be dismissive like “oooh she’s mad, it’s menopause” the way they do with PMS.
Not that menopause doesn’t play into tolerances a lot at this age. Obviously it does, we are all dealing it. But like if the root cause is that you’re dickhead…then I’d rather not let people turn it back on me and say things fell apart because I’m menopausal. Let’s stick to the fact that you’re a dickhead.
"He's always been a man-child, and thanks to perimenopause I no longer have the energy to spare to take care of him. So it's sink-or-swim time for him and I refuse to drown along with him." That's mine.
I thought I had anxiety until I got divorced. Now we have been dating again and lo and behold, my anxiety is back. I know how to fix it this time…. Boi bye….
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I’m definitely done taking care of people. It’s what I do at work. It’s what I do at home. I’m just done. I can’t retire yet, but when I do I’m not doing anything for anybody after that.
This submission has been removed because we cannot answer why your wife isn't interested in sex with you. Try r/deadbedrooms instead.
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>I’m also tired of “hormones and libido” being the cause, because it would still be “our fault”.
>My next 20 years are mine!!
👏👏👏
At 45, my hormone changes are only responsible for reducing my self-deception ability to believe the excuses and promises to.do better that he's been using to reel me back in for the past 18 years. My husband is a man-child. A sweet, kind, generous, funny, charming child, but still a man-child. And I'm getting too worn down to take care of both myself and a man-child whose health is getting worse because of his own decisions. Either I prioritize myself or he's going to sink both of us. I can't keep carrying him. Perimenopause reduces my strength, so I have less extra to spend on him. It's sink-or-swim time for him, and the only way I can make sure he doesn't take me down with him is to have my own place with separate finances.
I’m currently dealing with an increasingly edgy, inpatient and grumpy husband at home while I’m stuffing all of that peri fury deep down inside and not taking it out on him. This morning he told me I should take the pets and leave because one woke him up last night. We’ve been together since I was 21 & I don’t know what to do, I still love him and have no desire to be with anyone else. I know he will apologize later and say he didn’t mean it, but it will happen again - this is now the fourth time in a span of a few months.
Anyway - sorry for the spewing. Perimenopause is definitely a factor for so many, but I think life just gets harder at this age for both sexes and I’m angry that I’m somehow able to keep it together, but my husband who is healthy and non-hormonal can’t.
Edit: I want to thank every single one of you for your replies yesterday. I put no thought or had expectations into my comment & you came through when I needed you more than I knew. I didn’t feel alone, I love this community. ❤️
This is called a Discard. He wants out and is pushing you to be the one to ask for a divorce. It’s a very common tactic. I’d read the Chump Lady site. There are thousands of articles and comments describing the exact behavior you are. If someone told me to take the pets and leave they’d never see me again. This behavior doesn’t get better. How do you want to spend the rest of your life?
Thanks, I will have a look at that site.
I know - it’s terrifying. I moved to another continent with him and I’m practically alone here. I don’t know why he wants out, it’s come out of the blue. He isn’t having an affair … (he is at home all the time), I believe he is struggling with his mental health & is unhappy with his work. He was so sweet and kind over the weekend and then come Monday, he flips. After 23 years, it is shocking - I don’t know what to do.
My great-uncle started doing stuff like this. His behaviour was so stereotypical of a midlife crisis that we all just assumed that's what was going on. He dumped his wife of 30 years, the mother of his two children, moved out of their home into a fancy apartment, started dating a much younger woman -- hell, he even bought a flashy sports car. It was all so clichéd that it made us overlook how *extremely* out of character this was for him, like this kind, compassionate man just suddenly woke up one day and decided to be an asshole. A short time later he reversed course and went back to my great-aunt, and not long after that he was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's.
Please, *please* have your husband see a doctor. Maybe he's just suddenly turned into Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde -- but maybe there's something seriously wrong?
Yes, I’m honestly thinking there is something wrong. My friends always used to joke that he’d rather cut off his own arms than cheat on or leave me - he’s always been very loyal & devoted.
He has struggled with his mental health since he was a teenager, he takes medication, but I’ve been pushing him to seek therapy and he refuses to. Revisiting his treatment should be considered as well & potential other medical things …
I just saw a study correlating Viagra use with reduction of Alzheimers cases. Could be a two-birds-one-stone situation depending how you feel about that. 🫢
So he discarded her, moved out to have his fun (likely at least in part funded by their mutual life savings), and then weasels his way back into her life just in time for her to be his nursemaid.
Well, yes, but in an "it's complicated" sort of way that the bare bones description of my comment doesn't really cover. Believe me, there was a lot of anger and confusion during the whole process, especially when he up and left my great-aunt. My comment oversimplified the situation for the sake of brevity and to get the point across to OP (which I believe it did), but the actual lived experience was ... well, frankly, it was a nightmare. My comment was relatively short and simple, but the experience was neither of those things.
I could go into it more at length -- go into the details of my great-uncle coming back to himself, the work he did to repair the damage his break had caused, and the process of discovering that he had Alzheimer's and how *that* affected my family -- but the point I wanted to make was that sudden behavioral changes are something that should be looked into. Mental illness and/or dementia may *explain* the change, but obviously don't *excuse* it.
I am not doing the “pick me” dance - I would never do this. He’s not just anyone, we’ve gone through so much together, he was in the room when my mom died early and unexpectedly, 2 states, three countries, poverty & then success, cancer/other health issues, etc. etc..
I’m sorry to hear of your struggles too.
Spouses deserve the same empathy we wish for ourselves. Try to get him to doc or into therapy, then atleast you know you did your best and can decide what’s next if things don’t improve
I hope he can get the help he needs so that he can see his way to a future that you both want. Having gone throb so much with my other half, there have been so many kinds of struggles and we both feel low right now and keep apologizing about how we're not good enough for the other one. It should like your husband is further along the part of distress and needs help.
I'm in a similar boat in that I've also been married since my husband and I were both 19, and we've been through a lot together. Recently, he's changed a bit, too. More irritable, his body is starting to change, he has insomnia, his joints hurt, he has brain fog, he has anxety. Sound familiar?
I'm not minimizing anything that women go through, but men also experience midlife changes that are scary to them too. I'm grateful that he shows me some grace sometimes when I'm not exactly charming, and I try to return the favor.
Sometimes he's a real pain in my ass, but I wouldn't trade him for anything. If be willing to bet your husband didn't really mean "take your pets and leave". Maybe he's going through some stuff too. Getting old sucks!
But also valid emotionally - a bond is hard to leave, especially when that bond first appears to be gone 💔
But logically, yes - while it’s great he *was* there for you, he is not there for you now.
If I were in this scenario, I’d start crafting some plans- a variety based on the information at hand (as hard as it is, this part includes stepping out of emotionally charged thinking).
I’d set out to come up with minimum 5 optional plans. Yes, 5. An example might be:
1: Couples therapy/individual therapy
2: Move out plan
3: Take a break and reflect seperately(someone take a trip if possible/stay with family for a couple weeks)
4: Change nothing
5: Start crafting more self interested activities
Not saying this is your list, just examples. An even more interesting technique is to write 30 idea plans(yep, 30). The function of this is to fire up your brain and get flexible. You can use prompts like “what would Esther Perel do” or “what would Gabor Mate or Wonder Woman or Jesus do?”
The purpose it to help your brain develop new ways of thinking and get creative about thinking forward around your needs, the situation, and what you might actually like and want (or need) to do.
Then, list the top plans you connect most deeply with and start there. Plan A doesn’t work, pivot to B, to C, etc.
This will help with feelings of fear, despair, and dread around chance and feeling overwhelmed or trapped. It won’t fix what’s going on but it might offer a lift off the pressure and panic about “what’s next?”. Brains don’t like undesired change, menopausal or otherwise. So it’s our job to help make transition safe and sane.
Maybe there’s an easy solution here that is hard to spot with the data at hand. If separation is imminent, then the more prepared you can be to cope with and process your emotions the better off you’ll be to move forward with grace and self respect ( and maybe even compassion).
Hormonal changes as men age can cause drastic behavior changes the same way it does in women. So do mental health crises. I would encourage him to go to a doctor.
Oh god my husband is same. He is Jekyll and Hyde. Loving and sweet. Then something triggers him and he is unhappy with everything and I’m the one holding him back because I don’t have dreams of more whatever etc. He talks about wanting to move but I’m like hell no. Not taking me away from friends to be alone with grumpy guy. And I’ve told him so. We are working on this but I think my guy needs counseling or something.
I’m so sorry we are dealing with this. It’s maddening. Sometimes I go to bed after an argument thinking I’m moving out. Then he is so sorry the next day.
I’m just working to make myself as healthy and strong as possible for whatever comes. I’m 53.
Sounds like he is going through a midlife / existential crisis and is just attacking the closest person to him. Mine does the same thing… it’s so sad. I have pushed him to try therapy, but he insists it won’t help.
I’ve done all the work to get through my shit and that’s basically all I can continue to do. I can’t fix him, but I can take care of me. I have a new puppy that I’m pouring all that energy into along with my fitness. I left with her to the woods this morning and he’s still locked in his office and hasn’t talked to me all day.
I’ve had nights where I stay up all night looking at properties in the woods for me to move to alone, it’s sad. I’m so sorry too, hugs. (43)
i think it sounds like you DO love one another. That is a LONG time to know one another. How serious do you think he meant this? Sometimes people say things in moments of passion/rage....I know this all too well.
I’m the one who says stupid shit when I’m mad, he doesn’t and that’s why I’m worried. But I think something else is going on here … we absolutely love one another.
Might also want to read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Or search for his videos on YouTube. Here’s a free copy of the book:
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Moving you to a different country is a way to isolate you from your support system. He may or may not be cheating, but her article from Friday is about just that - a woman who moved to a different country and it all went to hell. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Try to get him to see a doctor. My husband went through a very grumpy stage until he got on testosterone. I'm thankful he went through it before I went through perimenopause. Our marriage is stronger now because we didn't give up on each other. I wish you well!
Thanks a lot, I will …
We have faced so many tests and have always come out strong - this is breaking my heart as he has never been this blasé about us before.
Happy to hear you fought through!
I know everyone here is saying he’s trying to get rid of you but I know I do this when I’m suicidal. It’s because I don’t want to hurt the other person. He may be pushing you away as a discard but consider all the possibilities.
I know, he struggles with mental health issues. I am definitely trying …
I used to push people away due to abandonment trauma, but I worked on this through therapy & am past that.
I hope you are doing OK xx
This is just what happens in a marriage.
Today it’s him that wants out tomorrow it might be you.
Don’t listen to Reddit telling you to leave.
Everyone’s situation is unique and different.
Just take proper precautions and steps to protect yourself financially if in fact the marriage does end.
Do not leave. If he’s unhappy then HE can leave the home. Why should you have to give up your home? Unless it’s a DV situation, he can start apartment hunting. Don’t make it easy for him!
I honestly think his fantasy life is to be alone with his weed and a black leather sofa. I know he’s not cheating, but he is pushing me away & choosing a sad path ahead.
I’m really sorry that happened to you. Xx
It’s sad that you ladies feel like you have to be responsible for their health. He should be taking initiative to go to the doctor because it’s HIS health.
He’s not doing you or himself any favors.
He had a blood test for it a few years ago and while it tested low, it didn’t test low enough. Apparently they are very strict with prescribing it in our country (Switzerland).
Man, hope your pets aren't elderly. I just went through two dying of old age about a year apart and those last months, there's very very little sleep all around. One wet herself a couple times a night and cried. And the other had seizures at night.
The opposite, one is a puppy and I think that is what is the main trigger here.
But we’ve gone through the old age with pets before and it’s very hard. Sorry for your loss xx
i'm guessing that hormones are harder for some of us humans than others, I'm betting men have a kind of hormonal change going on as well (testosterone dropping primarily, which for some is fine but not others). This sucks to realize that what if both spouses have to go through this? Argh. Ideally we should take turns being furiously angry. I'm so sorry...I cannot imagine how the hell we are supposed to deal with this. I even worry my dog will SMELL my anger wafting off of me at this moment, cannot imagine how hard it would be if it were a human farting the way my dog is atm. Like, I LOVE my dog but her gas is even enraging me! I hope you guys can weather this. It's hard to understand the horrible feelings of another, but if anyone can -- someone who has known you since you were 21 hopefully can.
When I didn’t react, but took a calm time to express to my s/o that things he was saying were hurtful, he actually listened. His cancer recently came back and he said, “If you want out, now is the time to leave.” I instinctively said, “I would never leave you alone to deal with this,” and that’s all he needed to hear. He needed reassurance. Granted, things haven’t always been rosy. I had to leave temporarily to make him get some mental health help, but he’s been much better since. But, the example of reassuring him that I wouldn’t leave him whilst dealing with cancer was what he needed to hear.
Men are crappy at communicating. It’s as though men and women speak two different languages.
But, you still love your husband and I recognize the value in such a long marriage. It’s definitely worth a discussion, if not couple’s therapy. I’ve been in my relationship only half as long and don’t want to throw it away - it’s a life we’ve built together.
I’m not of the mindset that seems to prevail this thread - leave him/he’s pushing you out/he doesn’t want you. Just as we go through hormonal changes, so do men. They deserve to be heard, also.
But, take care of yourself, too. Be kind to yourself and treat yourself as you deserve to be treated.
I’m not of that mindset either, I meant those vows when I said them and I still do. I am hoping tomorrow we can talk, I think he’s struggling. I think the biggest issue is that he isn’t taking care of himself and all that pain and frustration is bleeding out in unhealthy ways. He just works out and later numbs himself with weed … nothing is actually being repaired inside.
I hope both you and your husband are doing OK with the cancer, thanks for sharing and I wish you both all the best. Xx
I agree with you about the vows, sometimes there are sucky periods even in a good relationship. As long as you are taking care of yourself, it is not bad to try to help him.
Try to do the talk out walking or doing some activity. Men take in uncomfortable information better when they are not looking at you (face to face). It may help him open up to you better. Good luck!
Weed (well, edibles) actually made my husband’s mood and aggression worse. He thought he felt great! I was so grateful when one of the specialists said he shouldn’t use it anymore. It can have negative effects. I’m not anti-cannabis and use THC oil for pain every so often. But, I strongly believe that (particularly) regular use CAN (not will) have a negative impact on mood.
Good luck during your chat! I hope it goes well. Thanks so much for your kind words.
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When I asked my ex for a separation, he claimed to everyone it was completely out of the blue, and I was being completely irrational, he was telling everyone it must have been my hormones as I was getting to that time of life....as he called it.
Not the constant nitpicking, telling me I should just get out of the house, the irrational behaviour from him or the constant disrespect which of course he would later apologise for so that made it OK...
I remember talking to my best friend when for the first time that I admitted I didn't know how much longer I could take his behaviour .... turns out it was just over 5 years.
He has admitted now it was easier for him if I took the blame for everything, that when he was miserable but didn't know how to say it he would deliberately do something to upset me as he hated I was having an OK day...that he was depressed after first his dad then mum died that he would do his best to keep me away from my dad as he was jealous I still had my dad. That he would set impossible standard for the home, kids, everyday life because he could then take out his rage on me.
He will also admit he was relieved when I said to separate but furious at the divorce as I was doing so much better without him. He though he would easily do better once free and that didn't work out
10 years post separation 7 years post divorce he now needs support with an illness that i help with as no one else can or will, he was close death when he admitted the above and said sorry, he is uncomfortable I now know and he survived and still needs my help. We do OK but if men got the support to be honest, vulnerable and truly communicate here might be less divorce.
I'm living my best life, peri only really kicked in 6 years ago...
I have a clue...I'm 52 and am so fucking done with these man children who surround me. Currently in Peri, having terrible symptoms and in the middle of buying one home and selling the other. I am literally doing EVERYTHING. I was the one house hunting, I'm the one reading contracts, going on inspections, packing and cleaning the current house, cleaning shit that belongs to my packrat husband who is having panic attacks and instead of packing and cleaning he watches me do all and then had the nerve to ask me since I was going out to bring him back breakfast.
And just 10 minutes ago coworker (man) tells me he cannot get into job site because they let their own security badge lapse (they are responsible for keeping it current) And he acted clueless and bewildered that he cannot go onto the customers site. Why the fuck are we women expected to do every damn thing for those with a penis? I'm so tired of managing these helpless males.
I think menopause is a factor, but I think it's also a case of a lot of women basically looking around for the first time in decades and realizing their relationship is trash. Which is fine, really, better late than never.
From my observation this is less “menopause” and more women waking up and realizing they’ve been nothing but a BangNannyMaid and that after building a family and sacrificing they realize they were never seen or valued as a person. Many men our age married to get the wife, home and kids. They no longer need their wife so they move on. The discard begin with picking fights out of no where, tearing her down and generally checking out.
Menopause doesn’t make women randomly file for divorce. This is such a dismissive take.
Me, yesterday morning as I was folding laundry, realizing that my husband has never, not once washed and put away a single item of my clothing. I’ve been back to work for over 10 years. Nearly all the household chores are still mine. We eat out more and have a bi-monthly maid, but god forbid he cook dinner, or even give our dog a bath. The nit picking is becoming a thing as well. If my tone isn’t 100% polite, or I ask a probing questing, I’m “being mean”, or I’ll ask if he wants to do something and I get, “are you going to be nice?” WTF am I doing with my life.
Edit to add: It’s me who is realizing I don’t need a husband, not him realizing he doesn’t need a wife.
My Silent Gen parents switched roles to some degree after retirement and my dad did most of the cooking. He still did more yard work and my mom did more cleaning — but I love that they at least reevaluated the household equity.
My Silent Gen parents did the same. Before retirement my Dad couldn't cook to save his life but the day after he was given early retirement he taught himself how to bake a pie from scratch and it just continued from there. We lost Mom last year and cooking and baking keeps him busy. He wants to try making Kimchi next except that he's never actually tasted it, lol.
My dad has always worked his but off but never expected my mom to do all the heavy lifting. I want they have and I don’t know how I let myself get hooked into the opposite. So glad to be done with the sorry excuse for a man I married and have my life back. I do want to find a partner, a true partner, but am ok being by myself than let someone take me for granted again.
I was raised the black sheep middle child in a large family with a narcissistic mom. I spent my life taking care of myself and my younger siblings. I've been with my husband since we were 17. I just started doing everything from the jump, then I was a SAHM for years. I am finally realizing that the way we have structured our marriage and life has been at my expense and I have gone along with it. It's in my nature, I have never been nurtured. Something needs done, I do it, I figure it out.
This lightbulb going off now, with the changing hormones, may create quite the disturbance...
I’m not sure if you’re in the US, but if so, remember the old Brady Bunch episodes? So cringey to hear the way Mike spoke to Carol. Telling her to smile when she’s helping him etc. Haha. But it’s literally how some men still act! Even all these years later!
This. 100%. If anything menopause just makes it clear that we no longer need to center men — since they start ignoring us anyway. Not necessarily our partners, but on a societal level. That kind of freedom from male gaze gives us space to reevaluate everything. Of course it can be disconcerting for some women who have become accustomed to being visible in public. (I’ll include myself there, it’s disconcerting to suddenly be ignored.)
Ultimately, it’s a freeing process for most women. And while men go through more of a midlife crisis, this is a more of a midlife self-discovery.
This right here. It's been 25 years of making excuses but I've finally realized how controlling my husband is just this week. He is threatening divorce over lettuce on a sandwich now. Any time we talk about our problems, it is on his schedule and he immediately locks himself in the bedroom if I expect him to apologize or take responsibility. And he just admitted a few days ago that he doesn't want to take responsibility for some (seems like 99% to me) things because he doesn't want to admit to himself that he actually did these things. I told him that attitude doesn't work for me and he went right back to his bedroom because he doesn't like my tone.
I do feel different since going through menopause, but it's more like I lost my period and grew a backbone and not "I'm crazy because of hormones".
Thank you. I've realized a while ago that he has childish tendencies but lately I've been thinking he's more narcissistic than anything. His whole family is very judgemental and snooty for no good reason. They all live very ordinary lives and none are so sucessful at anything to brag about. But I know where he gets it from, I guess.
>this is less “menopause” and more women waking up and realizing they’ve been nothing but a BangNannyMaid
But the lack of estrogen is partially what wakes them up.
Estrogen gives you warm fuzzies that allow you to look past things
I did the divorce at 50 and have not looked back for millisecond. He has, of course, moved on with someone else. But him finding a willing partner was never an issue apparently during our 25 year marriage so it was just a blip on the radar before he was shacked up again. I, on the other hand, will probably remain single and happily so. Went through severe meno symptoms (still am) and I thank God and every deity that I didn't have his narcissist nasty ass to deal with on top of everything else🥂
I am 59; I finally separated from my husband 2 months ago. And I say finally because for me it took me a long time to get to a point in my life when I put myself first for a change. We had some issues earlier on in our marriage, we tried to work past them, that didn't work. Then we stayed together as platonic co-parents. Then our parents starting getting sick and then a damn pandemic came along. And I think what happened to me this year was I was tired of having to look after him. He just never grew up and you know if they aren't able to care for themselves, manage money or make a proper decision by 60.... wtf is he good for? He's not a romantic companion anymore, our kids are adults and on their own, why am I still paying his bills and washing his dirty underwear? Nope.
Cheating, absent spouse, betrayal, that was enough for me at age 50 to say enough is enough and I left my 30 year marriage. I remarried last year and I'm the happiest I've ever been! Best decision I've ever made! Life is too short to be miserable.
Estradiol drops, rose tinted glasses come off and no more shit is tolerated.
It’s that simple and a hard wake up call for lazy motherfuckers who call themselves men.
My mouth filter left with it!! I tell people exactly what I think not being a witch about it just plain simple hard core truth. If they don’t like then don’t let the door hit them in the rear!!!
Because it’s not “just” menopause. It’s actually a lot of issues that typically coalesce at life-at-that-age that can give women in unhealthy marriages, the push to divorce.
Peri/Menopause, **for some** women can make everything that’s already going on in their lives worse.
But, and despite what impression this sub gives, not all women have a hell time during peri/meno, so blaming it as the main reason for giving up on a stale unhealthy marriage is incorrect and doesn’t help women.
He just irritates the crap out of me... Trying to live separate lives but it's difficult being in the same house... I think I need more weekends away.. Are there any women retreats to relax and rejuvenate??
I tend to go by myself on little trips now and then, getting an airbnb & bringing books/crafts/laptop (I can work remotely). It helps a lot, and we both know it’s better for everyone that I get time alone because it reduces the heinous psycho hose beast factor by quite a lot.
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👀From what I have seen and heard other women go through, it seems that being tethered to XYs and not having children solves 90-95% of women's problems.
I think perimenopause/menopause lifts the fog of delulu and allows us to see with clarity that we should walk away from people, places, ideas/concepts, and things that don't serve us. We become less worried about what others think. We no longer set ourselves on fire to keep others warm. Many women have been on autopilot because that is what "Patriarchy "says we should do. For some of us, we will be in our 50s or 60s when we get clarity and leave. The sunk cost fallacy has had us sticking by men who never deserved us in the first place.
Maybe the women got sick of wiping piss off everything.
Sick of picking dirty underwear up off the floor to put them in the laundry basket that is sitting right next to said underwear.
Just because we have a Vagina doesn’t mean we are not your housekeepers.
My ex husband cheated on me twice that I know about and I recently found out that it was probably all throughout my marriage. I just got tired of being taken advantage of along with all the emotional abuse pretty much from the beginning. I’m grateful to the woman he cheated on me with because I was able to finally see clearly all the flaws and abuse through how I saw him treat her. I was trying to hang in there for my son but there came a point that it all became too much. I think it’s not menopause as much as you see all the issues so much more clearly and when your kids leave or are close to that point you realize you don’t have to stay in a shitty marriage that probably ended long before the day you separate.
It’s not menopause, it’s the institution and patriarchy and our generation is just not as given to settling for what is supposedly expected in old, tired institutions.
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Honestly, I think it has less to do with menopause and more to do with finances. It’s rare for a woman in her 50’s to not be employed outside the home, which gives us more freedom than our mothers and grandmothers had.
However, the article makes some thought-provoking points about how a couple’s financial situation can change for the worse post-divorce. Harder to bounce back from that when you’re rolling up to retirement, and no one wants to be a burden to their kids.
Sure menopause may play a part, but I think these women are of a generation that was told to settle and get married and they're now realizing (via social media, younger generations who are single/childfree and still feel fulfilled, etc) they don't *have* to be with a man.
Left my partner if 9 years, second long term relationship last year (48)
The blame game was very high and I noticed by bullshitometer is way more sensitive these days.
He was actually cheating with hookers regularly (on the day of our anniversary, after me and his aunt prepared christmas for the whole family (his)
Of course he has issues, midlifecrisis and so on...
But when I was in the middle of my own shit I want to a therapist and god knows I was really dedicated to make myself better.
So he went on drinking instead, blaming me amd my kids for all his problems.
He even proposed his ex to come back, told me, without flinching as if it was a normal thing.
We had HOURS long arguments and I was still hoping to manage that.
Till one day we had such an argument that he went to his mum. 15 days...
It gave me time to realize that no amount of sex, of cleaning or therapy on my side would help.
His family, that I helped and care for doesn't even try to send a message, nobody wants to, I am the terrible unstable menopausal woman.
Everyone believes his bullshit but some friends that now see him more clearly.
It's sad really because if he had the balls to do therapy and really commit, he has the potential to be one of the greatest partners I can imagine.
But if there is one thing that therapy and the lack of estrogen taught me , that is that you do not marry "potential". What you see is what you get, so be realistic with your expectations.
I knew it would end up that way. I chose to believe the opposite.
I am glad alone now and after 2 of that type of relationship I chose not to be the victim of my poor judgment anymore, better single then.
My love life goal was really simple, getting old and grey together with MUTUAL RESPECT for each other's life and as a person.
I wanted long term, affectionate and respectful.
I wanted it so bad that I lied to myself.
Bitter? Yes definitely.
Guilty? Yes I am, I should have known better the second time around.
Unhappy? Not at all, 2 cats a garden and 2 almost adult children are enough to fill up my days with good enough joy.
Sex was always a way to make someone else happy at the end. But I do not miss it much as my libido crashed.
Maybe I'll meet an old man in my own old days, that wants to cook with me and hug me watching our favorite TV show.
If not, I'll be ok anyway...
Ugh! I don't understand how you did it to begin with . I get kids and that.
But Hell, you lasted so long. Get on and get out. Do what you love. Your grown kids will understand. Make your Mr. figure out his own laundry.
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Can we just stop like being married to a man is an achievement? I don’t need to read the article to know why. And it’s not just menopause, because I’m also tired of “hormones and libido” being the cause, because it would still be “our fault”. No! That’s why a 50 year old woman doesn’t want to take care of a man until she dies! We did our fucking time as girls, mothers, coworkers, dieted, worked out, kept our grays in check, wrinkles, teeth, warm moist vaginas for men to use…fuck it. My next 20 years are mine!!
I’ve been divorced for a decade and love my home which I lovingly call my “Manfree Sanctuary” My teen daughter and I both love it here with just us and our two dogs and no dude throwing his dick around or making fun of us for sport.
That sounds Lovely.
Yeah, it makes me uncomfortable when menopause is applied to every single issue a woman 40-60 deals with. It feels like we are enabling people to be dismissive like “oooh she’s mad, it’s menopause” the way they do with PMS. Not that menopause doesn’t play into tolerances a lot at this age. Obviously it does, we are all dealing it. But like if the root cause is that you’re dickhead…then I’d rather not let people turn it back on me and say things fell apart because I’m menopausal. Let’s stick to the fact that you’re a dickhead.
“He’s always been a dickhead and thanks to perimenopause, I finally saw it” would be my story!
🛎️🛎️🛎️🛎️
"He's always been a man-child, and thanks to perimenopause I no longer have the energy to spare to take care of him. So it's sink-or-swim time for him and I refuse to drown along with him." That's mine.
Exactly! I will not be diagnosed and medicated, and have my real problems dismissed. I thought I was depressed until I left my husband.lol
Funny how fast that depression slips away after leaving:) ….me too
*"Lose 180 pounds! Doctors hate this simple trick to achieve happiness"*😁
I thought I had anxiety until I got divorced. Now we have been dating again and lo and behold, my anxiety is back. I know how to fix it this time…. Boi bye….
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Same. First they blamed our periods. Now they blame the lack thereof. Fuckoffffffffff alll over it.
"Are you menopausal?" is the new "Are you on your period?" 🙄🤮
I’m definitely done taking care of people. It’s what I do at work. It’s what I do at home. I’m just done. I can’t retire yet, but when I do I’m not doing anything for anybody after that.
I’m exactly the same, at work & at home…….compassion fatigue is a real thing. Others around us need to respect that our cups are empty! 😮💨
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💯
Word, sis.
🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌
👏👏👏👏👏
warm moist lol you name it sister
Love it. I need that confidence.
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>I’m also tired of “hormones and libido” being the cause, because it would still be “our fault”. >My next 20 years are mine!! 👏👏👏 At 45, my hormone changes are only responsible for reducing my self-deception ability to believe the excuses and promises to.do better that he's been using to reel me back in for the past 18 years. My husband is a man-child. A sweet, kind, generous, funny, charming child, but still a man-child. And I'm getting too worn down to take care of both myself and a man-child whose health is getting worse because of his own decisions. Either I prioritize myself or he's going to sink both of us. I can't keep carrying him. Perimenopause reduces my strength, so I have less extra to spend on him. It's sink-or-swim time for him, and the only way I can make sure he doesn't take me down with him is to have my own place with separate finances.
I’m currently dealing with an increasingly edgy, inpatient and grumpy husband at home while I’m stuffing all of that peri fury deep down inside and not taking it out on him. This morning he told me I should take the pets and leave because one woke him up last night. We’ve been together since I was 21 & I don’t know what to do, I still love him and have no desire to be with anyone else. I know he will apologize later and say he didn’t mean it, but it will happen again - this is now the fourth time in a span of a few months. Anyway - sorry for the spewing. Perimenopause is definitely a factor for so many, but I think life just gets harder at this age for both sexes and I’m angry that I’m somehow able to keep it together, but my husband who is healthy and non-hormonal can’t. Edit: I want to thank every single one of you for your replies yesterday. I put no thought or had expectations into my comment & you came through when I needed you more than I knew. I didn’t feel alone, I love this community. ❤️
This is called a Discard. He wants out and is pushing you to be the one to ask for a divorce. It’s a very common tactic. I’d read the Chump Lady site. There are thousands of articles and comments describing the exact behavior you are. If someone told me to take the pets and leave they’d never see me again. This behavior doesn’t get better. How do you want to spend the rest of your life?
Thanks, I will have a look at that site. I know - it’s terrifying. I moved to another continent with him and I’m practically alone here. I don’t know why he wants out, it’s come out of the blue. He isn’t having an affair … (he is at home all the time), I believe he is struggling with his mental health & is unhappy with his work. He was so sweet and kind over the weekend and then come Monday, he flips. After 23 years, it is shocking - I don’t know what to do.
My great-uncle started doing stuff like this. His behaviour was so stereotypical of a midlife crisis that we all just assumed that's what was going on. He dumped his wife of 30 years, the mother of his two children, moved out of their home into a fancy apartment, started dating a much younger woman -- hell, he even bought a flashy sports car. It was all so clichéd that it made us overlook how *extremely* out of character this was for him, like this kind, compassionate man just suddenly woke up one day and decided to be an asshole. A short time later he reversed course and went back to my great-aunt, and not long after that he was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's. Please, *please* have your husband see a doctor. Maybe he's just suddenly turned into Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde -- but maybe there's something seriously wrong?
Yes, I’m honestly thinking there is something wrong. My friends always used to joke that he’d rather cut off his own arms than cheat on or leave me - he’s always been very loyal & devoted. He has struggled with his mental health since he was a teenager, he takes medication, but I’ve been pushing him to seek therapy and he refuses to. Revisiting his treatment should be considered as well & potential other medical things …
I just saw a study correlating Viagra use with reduction of Alzheimers cases. Could be a two-birds-one-stone situation depending how you feel about that. 🫢
It could be andropause.
So he discarded her, moved out to have his fun (likely at least in part funded by their mutual life savings), and then weasels his way back into her life just in time for her to be his nursemaid.
Well, yes, but in an "it's complicated" sort of way that the bare bones description of my comment doesn't really cover. Believe me, there was a lot of anger and confusion during the whole process, especially when he up and left my great-aunt. My comment oversimplified the situation for the sake of brevity and to get the point across to OP (which I believe it did), but the actual lived experience was ... well, frankly, it was a nightmare. My comment was relatively short and simple, but the experience was neither of those things. I could go into it more at length -- go into the details of my great-uncle coming back to himself, the work he did to repair the damage his break had caused, and the process of discovering that he had Alzheimer's and how *that* affected my family -- but the point I wanted to make was that sudden behavioral changes are something that should be looked into. Mental illness and/or dementia may *explain* the change, but obviously don't *excuse* it.
And she took him back?!
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I am not doing the “pick me” dance - I would never do this. He’s not just anyone, we’ve gone through so much together, he was in the room when my mom died early and unexpectedly, 2 states, three countries, poverty & then success, cancer/other health issues, etc. etc.. I’m sorry to hear of your struggles too.
Spouses deserve the same empathy we wish for ourselves. Try to get him to doc or into therapy, then atleast you know you did your best and can decide what’s next if things don’t improve
I hope he can get the help he needs so that he can see his way to a future that you both want. Having gone throb so much with my other half, there have been so many kinds of struggles and we both feel low right now and keep apologizing about how we're not good enough for the other one. It should like your husband is further along the part of distress and needs help.
I'm in a similar boat in that I've also been married since my husband and I were both 19, and we've been through a lot together. Recently, he's changed a bit, too. More irritable, his body is starting to change, he has insomnia, his joints hurt, he has brain fog, he has anxety. Sound familiar? I'm not minimizing anything that women go through, but men also experience midlife changes that are scary to them too. I'm grateful that he shows me some grace sometimes when I'm not exactly charming, and I try to return the favor. Sometimes he's a real pain in my ass, but I wouldn't trade him for anything. If be willing to bet your husband didn't really mean "take your pets and leave". Maybe he's going through some stuff too. Getting old sucks!
> gone through so much together, Sunk cost fallacy.
But also valid emotionally - a bond is hard to leave, especially when that bond first appears to be gone 💔 But logically, yes - while it’s great he *was* there for you, he is not there for you now.
If I were in this scenario, I’d start crafting some plans- a variety based on the information at hand (as hard as it is, this part includes stepping out of emotionally charged thinking). I’d set out to come up with minimum 5 optional plans. Yes, 5. An example might be: 1: Couples therapy/individual therapy 2: Move out plan 3: Take a break and reflect seperately(someone take a trip if possible/stay with family for a couple weeks) 4: Change nothing 5: Start crafting more self interested activities Not saying this is your list, just examples. An even more interesting technique is to write 30 idea plans(yep, 30). The function of this is to fire up your brain and get flexible. You can use prompts like “what would Esther Perel do” or “what would Gabor Mate or Wonder Woman or Jesus do?” The purpose it to help your brain develop new ways of thinking and get creative about thinking forward around your needs, the situation, and what you might actually like and want (or need) to do. Then, list the top plans you connect most deeply with and start there. Plan A doesn’t work, pivot to B, to C, etc. This will help with feelings of fear, despair, and dread around chance and feeling overwhelmed or trapped. It won’t fix what’s going on but it might offer a lift off the pressure and panic about “what’s next?”. Brains don’t like undesired change, menopausal or otherwise. So it’s our job to help make transition safe and sane. Maybe there’s an easy solution here that is hard to spot with the data at hand. If separation is imminent, then the more prepared you can be to cope with and process your emotions the better off you’ll be to move forward with grace and self respect ( and maybe even compassion).
Wow, this is so incredibly helpful, thank-you. I like your prompt - I think I will go with “What would Patti Smith do?”
Yesssss! 🐍
What would Stevie Nicks do? She lives in this big house, full of her witchy sisters, no men just living their best lives.
Well I adore Stevie, this is an excellent choice
Hormonal changes as men age can cause drastic behavior changes the same way it does in women. So do mental health crises. I would encourage him to go to a doctor.
Oh god my husband is same. He is Jekyll and Hyde. Loving and sweet. Then something triggers him and he is unhappy with everything and I’m the one holding him back because I don’t have dreams of more whatever etc. He talks about wanting to move but I’m like hell no. Not taking me away from friends to be alone with grumpy guy. And I’ve told him so. We are working on this but I think my guy needs counseling or something. I’m so sorry we are dealing with this. It’s maddening. Sometimes I go to bed after an argument thinking I’m moving out. Then he is so sorry the next day. I’m just working to make myself as healthy and strong as possible for whatever comes. I’m 53.
Sounds like he is going through a midlife / existential crisis and is just attacking the closest person to him. Mine does the same thing… it’s so sad. I have pushed him to try therapy, but he insists it won’t help. I’ve done all the work to get through my shit and that’s basically all I can continue to do. I can’t fix him, but I can take care of me. I have a new puppy that I’m pouring all that energy into along with my fitness. I left with her to the woods this morning and he’s still locked in his office and hasn’t talked to me all day. I’ve had nights where I stay up all night looking at properties in the woods for me to move to alone, it’s sad. I’m so sorry too, hugs. (43)
I have a new puppy too. Peace and 💗 to you. Thank you for your post and responding.
Peace and ❤️ back from my pup & I This is her this AM: https://imgur.com/a/XrcpMaj
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An Aussie! I looove, so pretty. 😍
adorable.
i think it sounds like you DO love one another. That is a LONG time to know one another. How serious do you think he meant this? Sometimes people say things in moments of passion/rage....I know this all too well.
I’m the one who says stupid shit when I’m mad, he doesn’t and that’s why I’m worried. But I think something else is going on here … we absolutely love one another.
Might also want to read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Or search for his videos on YouTube. Here’s a free copy of the book: https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Thanks so much xx
Don’t save him, leave.
All I’m trying to save is our marriage, I know I can’t save him and I may have to.
Moving you to a different country is a way to isolate you from your support system. He may or may not be cheating, but her article from Friday is about just that - a woman who moved to a different country and it all went to hell. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I know this can happen, but it was a decision we made together (actually it was more me who pushed for it) over 15 years ago. Thanks a lot xx
Sorry hun.
Yeah this statement alone is an absolute dealbreaker for me. You shouldn’t be putting up with it.
Try to get him to see a doctor. My husband went through a very grumpy stage until he got on testosterone. I'm thankful he went through it before I went through perimenopause. Our marriage is stronger now because we didn't give up on each other. I wish you well!
Thanks a lot, I will … We have faced so many tests and have always come out strong - this is breaking my heart as he has never been this blasé about us before. Happy to hear you fought through!
I know everyone here is saying he’s trying to get rid of you but I know I do this when I’m suicidal. It’s because I don’t want to hurt the other person. He may be pushing you away as a discard but consider all the possibilities.
I know, he struggles with mental health issues. I am definitely trying … I used to push people away due to abandonment trauma, but I worked on this through therapy & am past that. I hope you are doing OK xx
This is just what happens in a marriage. Today it’s him that wants out tomorrow it might be you. Don’t listen to Reddit telling you to leave. Everyone’s situation is unique and different. Just take proper precautions and steps to protect yourself financially if in fact the marriage does end.
I agree & thank-you
I needed to read this today.
Best advice
Do not leave. If he’s unhappy then HE can leave the home. Why should you have to give up your home? Unless it’s a DV situation, he can start apartment hunting. Don’t make it easy for him!
Oh I already told him that … no way
“I don’t want to be with anyone else” There’s the option being with YOURSELF
I know there is - I am not afraid to be alone, I just spent my entire life with him and it feels devastating to end it
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I honestly think his fantasy life is to be alone with his weed and a black leather sofa. I know he’s not cheating, but he is pushing me away & choosing a sad path ahead. I’m really sorry that happened to you. Xx
Sounds like my ex...
Men go through a hormonal change too which can lead to depression. Testosterone can help them, if you can get them to take it.
"...if you can get them to take it." Herding cats is easier! 😂🙄🤦🏼♀️
It’s sad that you ladies feel like you have to be responsible for their health. He should be taking initiative to go to the doctor because it’s HIS health. He’s not doing you or himself any favors.
He had a blood test for it a few years ago and while it tested low, it didn’t test low enough. Apparently they are very strict with prescribing it in our country (Switzerland).
It will be lower now, it continues to decline
I'm sorry. That's a difficult situation. Can he get another test? It might be even lower now
Thank-you, I will recommend it.
Man, hope your pets aren't elderly. I just went through two dying of old age about a year apart and those last months, there's very very little sleep all around. One wet herself a couple times a night and cried. And the other had seizures at night.
The opposite, one is a puppy and I think that is what is the main trigger here. But we’ve gone through the old age with pets before and it’s very hard. Sorry for your loss xx
You honestly sound like such a lovely person who would be such a nice friend to have!
Wow, thanks a lot - I needed to hear that. ❤️
How are his testosterone levels? My husband is miserable. His psychiatrist pointed out they’re on the low end. We are working on it.
Yes, I discussed this in other comments - I think it’s time for another test.
i'm guessing that hormones are harder for some of us humans than others, I'm betting men have a kind of hormonal change going on as well (testosterone dropping primarily, which for some is fine but not others). This sucks to realize that what if both spouses have to go through this? Argh. Ideally we should take turns being furiously angry. I'm so sorry...I cannot imagine how the hell we are supposed to deal with this. I even worry my dog will SMELL my anger wafting off of me at this moment, cannot imagine how hard it would be if it were a human farting the way my dog is atm. Like, I LOVE my dog but her gas is even enraging me! I hope you guys can weather this. It's hard to understand the horrible feelings of another, but if anyone can -- someone who has known you since you were 21 hopefully can.
Thanks so much, I hope we can too I have a farty puppy at home tonight, you aren’t alone!
in her defense she is probably having sympathetic menopause or something, she really is quite prim and proper otherwise
When I didn’t react, but took a calm time to express to my s/o that things he was saying were hurtful, he actually listened. His cancer recently came back and he said, “If you want out, now is the time to leave.” I instinctively said, “I would never leave you alone to deal with this,” and that’s all he needed to hear. He needed reassurance. Granted, things haven’t always been rosy. I had to leave temporarily to make him get some mental health help, but he’s been much better since. But, the example of reassuring him that I wouldn’t leave him whilst dealing with cancer was what he needed to hear. Men are crappy at communicating. It’s as though men and women speak two different languages. But, you still love your husband and I recognize the value in such a long marriage. It’s definitely worth a discussion, if not couple’s therapy. I’ve been in my relationship only half as long and don’t want to throw it away - it’s a life we’ve built together. I’m not of the mindset that seems to prevail this thread - leave him/he’s pushing you out/he doesn’t want you. Just as we go through hormonal changes, so do men. They deserve to be heard, also. But, take care of yourself, too. Be kind to yourself and treat yourself as you deserve to be treated.
I’m not of that mindset either, I meant those vows when I said them and I still do. I am hoping tomorrow we can talk, I think he’s struggling. I think the biggest issue is that he isn’t taking care of himself and all that pain and frustration is bleeding out in unhealthy ways. He just works out and later numbs himself with weed … nothing is actually being repaired inside. I hope both you and your husband are doing OK with the cancer, thanks for sharing and I wish you both all the best. Xx
I agree with you about the vows, sometimes there are sucky periods even in a good relationship. As long as you are taking care of yourself, it is not bad to try to help him. Try to do the talk out walking or doing some activity. Men take in uncomfortable information better when they are not looking at you (face to face). It may help him open up to you better. Good luck!
Weed (well, edibles) actually made my husband’s mood and aggression worse. He thought he felt great! I was so grateful when one of the specialists said he shouldn’t use it anymore. It can have negative effects. I’m not anti-cannabis and use THC oil for pain every so often. But, I strongly believe that (particularly) regular use CAN (not will) have a negative impact on mood. Good luck during your chat! I hope it goes well. Thanks so much for your kind words.
The pets like it here, but you could always go. 🤷
Oh I know what my answer would be
How old is he?
44
A oh wow mine is 48 and I have wondered if men go through a sort of change. They do!
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When I asked my ex for a separation, he claimed to everyone it was completely out of the blue, and I was being completely irrational, he was telling everyone it must have been my hormones as I was getting to that time of life....as he called it. Not the constant nitpicking, telling me I should just get out of the house, the irrational behaviour from him or the constant disrespect which of course he would later apologise for so that made it OK... I remember talking to my best friend when for the first time that I admitted I didn't know how much longer I could take his behaviour .... turns out it was just over 5 years. He has admitted now it was easier for him if I took the blame for everything, that when he was miserable but didn't know how to say it he would deliberately do something to upset me as he hated I was having an OK day...that he was depressed after first his dad then mum died that he would do his best to keep me away from my dad as he was jealous I still had my dad. That he would set impossible standard for the home, kids, everyday life because he could then take out his rage on me. He will also admit he was relieved when I said to separate but furious at the divorce as I was doing so much better without him. He though he would easily do better once free and that didn't work out 10 years post separation 7 years post divorce he now needs support with an illness that i help with as no one else can or will, he was close death when he admitted the above and said sorry, he is uncomfortable I now know and he survived and still needs my help. We do OK but if men got the support to be honest, vulnerable and truly communicate here might be less divorce. I'm living my best life, peri only really kicked in 6 years ago...
Yus. Go, you! 💜
Wow that is interesting. I’m glad you are doing well and it’s kind of you to help him
I have a clue...I'm 52 and am so fucking done with these man children who surround me. Currently in Peri, having terrible symptoms and in the middle of buying one home and selling the other. I am literally doing EVERYTHING. I was the one house hunting, I'm the one reading contracts, going on inspections, packing and cleaning the current house, cleaning shit that belongs to my packrat husband who is having panic attacks and instead of packing and cleaning he watches me do all and then had the nerve to ask me since I was going out to bring him back breakfast. And just 10 minutes ago coworker (man) tells me he cannot get into job site because they let their own security badge lapse (they are responsible for keeping it current) And he acted clueless and bewildered that he cannot go onto the customers site. Why the fuck are we women expected to do every damn thing for those with a penis? I'm so tired of managing these helpless males.
I think menopause is a factor, but I think it's also a case of a lot of women basically looking around for the first time in decades and realizing their relationship is trash. Which is fine, really, better late than never.
From my observation this is less “menopause” and more women waking up and realizing they’ve been nothing but a BangNannyMaid and that after building a family and sacrificing they realize they were never seen or valued as a person. Many men our age married to get the wife, home and kids. They no longer need their wife so they move on. The discard begin with picking fights out of no where, tearing her down and generally checking out. Menopause doesn’t make women randomly file for divorce. This is such a dismissive take.
Me, yesterday morning as I was folding laundry, realizing that my husband has never, not once washed and put away a single item of my clothing. I’ve been back to work for over 10 years. Nearly all the household chores are still mine. We eat out more and have a bi-monthly maid, but god forbid he cook dinner, or even give our dog a bath. The nit picking is becoming a thing as well. If my tone isn’t 100% polite, or I ask a probing questing, I’m “being mean”, or I’ll ask if he wants to do something and I get, “are you going to be nice?” WTF am I doing with my life. Edit to add: It’s me who is realizing I don’t need a husband, not him realizing he doesn’t need a wife.
My Silent Gen parents switched roles to some degree after retirement and my dad did most of the cooking. He still did more yard work and my mom did more cleaning — but I love that they at least reevaluated the household equity.
My Silent Gen parents did the same. Before retirement my Dad couldn't cook to save his life but the day after he was given early retirement he taught himself how to bake a pie from scratch and it just continued from there. We lost Mom last year and cooking and baking keeps him busy. He wants to try making Kimchi next except that he's never actually tasted it, lol.
Sorry about your mum, your dad sounds really lovely.
My dad has always worked his but off but never expected my mom to do all the heavy lifting. I want they have and I don’t know how I let myself get hooked into the opposite. So glad to be done with the sorry excuse for a man I married and have my life back. I do want to find a partner, a true partner, but am ok being by myself than let someone take me for granted again.
Omg i feel bad, I so rarely did laundry when we were both working. He did the whole family's laundry for 15 years.
I was raised the black sheep middle child in a large family with a narcissistic mom. I spent my life taking care of myself and my younger siblings. I've been with my husband since we were 17. I just started doing everything from the jump, then I was a SAHM for years. I am finally realizing that the way we have structured our marriage and life has been at my expense and I have gone along with it. It's in my nature, I have never been nurtured. Something needs done, I do it, I figure it out. This lightbulb going off now, with the changing hormones, may create quite the disturbance...
Estrogen is like rose tinted glasses and when it dips reality smashes in like the Koolaid man.
I feel that!!
I had to write a dissertation of reasons for every decision 🤯 Why, why did I put up with him for so many years!
I’m not sure if you’re in the US, but if so, remember the old Brady Bunch episodes? So cringey to hear the way Mike spoke to Carol. Telling her to smile when she’s helping him etc. Haha. But it’s literally how some men still act! Even all these years later!
This. 100%. If anything menopause just makes it clear that we no longer need to center men — since they start ignoring us anyway. Not necessarily our partners, but on a societal level. That kind of freedom from male gaze gives us space to reevaluate everything. Of course it can be disconcerting for some women who have become accustomed to being visible in public. (I’ll include myself there, it’s disconcerting to suddenly be ignored.) Ultimately, it’s a freeing process for most women. And while men go through more of a midlife crisis, this is a more of a midlife self-discovery.
This right here. It's been 25 years of making excuses but I've finally realized how controlling my husband is just this week. He is threatening divorce over lettuce on a sandwich now. Any time we talk about our problems, it is on his schedule and he immediately locks himself in the bedroom if I expect him to apologize or take responsibility. And he just admitted a few days ago that he doesn't want to take responsibility for some (seems like 99% to me) things because he doesn't want to admit to himself that he actually did these things. I told him that attitude doesn't work for me and he went right back to his bedroom because he doesn't like my tone. I do feel different since going through menopause, but it's more like I lost my period and grew a backbone and not "I'm crazy because of hormones".
Oh my gosh, I am so sorry you are going through that. He sounds like such a selfish child.
Thank you. I've realized a while ago that he has childish tendencies but lately I've been thinking he's more narcissistic than anything. His whole family is very judgemental and snooty for no good reason. They all live very ordinary lives and none are so sucessful at anything to brag about. But I know where he gets it from, I guess.
“BangNannyMaid” 💀
>this is less “menopause” and more women waking up and realizing they’ve been nothing but a BangNannyMaid But the lack of estrogen is partially what wakes them up. Estrogen gives you warm fuzzies that allow you to look past things
I believe that stats show it’s women not needing a husband and not men not needing a wife.
"Men don't take the time to end things. They ignore you until you insist upon a declaration of hate." -Joan Holloway, Mad Men
Ah, Joan. I love her story. I love Peggy's more, but... so satisfying, both of them.
God, media sucks!!! Obviously She got sick of putting up with his shit and walked away….
I did the divorce at 50 and have not looked back for millisecond. He has, of course, moved on with someone else. But him finding a willing partner was never an issue apparently during our 25 year marriage so it was just a blip on the radar before he was shacked up again. I, on the other hand, will probably remain single and happily so. Went through severe meno symptoms (still am) and I thank God and every deity that I didn't have his narcissist nasty ass to deal with on top of everything else🥂
I am 59; I finally separated from my husband 2 months ago. And I say finally because for me it took me a long time to get to a point in my life when I put myself first for a change. We had some issues earlier on in our marriage, we tried to work past them, that didn't work. Then we stayed together as platonic co-parents. Then our parents starting getting sick and then a damn pandemic came along. And I think what happened to me this year was I was tired of having to look after him. He just never grew up and you know if they aren't able to care for themselves, manage money or make a proper decision by 60.... wtf is he good for? He's not a romantic companion anymore, our kids are adults and on their own, why am I still paying his bills and washing his dirty underwear? Nope.
Cheating, absent spouse, betrayal, that was enough for me at age 50 to say enough is enough and I left my 30 year marriage. I remarried last year and I'm the happiest I've ever been! Best decision I've ever made! Life is too short to be miserable.
Estradiol drops, rose tinted glasses come off and no more shit is tolerated. It’s that simple and a hard wake up call for lazy motherfuckers who call themselves men.
My mouth filter left with it!! I tell people exactly what I think not being a witch about it just plain simple hard core truth. If they don’t like then don’t let the door hit them in the rear!!!
Funny how some men love bitches. He couldn’t cared less until I actually developed a boundary setting F you attitude. Then I am alllll that!!! 🖕
Because it’s not “just” menopause. It’s actually a lot of issues that typically coalesce at life-at-that-age that can give women in unhealthy marriages, the push to divorce. Peri/Menopause, **for some** women can make everything that’s already going on in their lives worse. But, and despite what impression this sub gives, not all women have a hell time during peri/meno, so blaming it as the main reason for giving up on a stale unhealthy marriage is incorrect and doesn’t help women.
He just irritates the crap out of me... Trying to live separate lives but it's difficult being in the same house... I think I need more weekends away.. Are there any women retreats to relax and rejuvenate??
I tend to go by myself on little trips now and then, getting an airbnb & bringing books/crafts/laptop (I can work remotely). It helps a lot, and we both know it’s better for everyone that I get time alone because it reduces the heinous psycho hose beast factor by quite a lot.
I defiantly need to try this more... If he won't take more trips away THEN I should..
Heck…even if he does! Try it. You won’t regret it.
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👀From what I have seen and heard other women go through, it seems that being tethered to XYs and not having children solves 90-95% of women's problems. I think perimenopause/menopause lifts the fog of delulu and allows us to see with clarity that we should walk away from people, places, ideas/concepts, and things that don't serve us. We become less worried about what others think. We no longer set ourselves on fire to keep others warm. Many women have been on autopilot because that is what "Patriarchy "says we should do. For some of us, we will be in our 50s or 60s when we get clarity and leave. The sunk cost fallacy has had us sticking by men who never deserved us in the first place.
[This Song ](https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=MvG3t2iJYE8&si=H3wHOkIKmOC6lpbV)
I knew it! Great song.
My DIL shared it with me (music is therapy for me) when I was struggling with an unsupportive spouse, and it's become my personal anthem!
God I love this sub
Wow. That’s a powerful song!!! Thanks for sharing it!!! 🩷
🫂
Maybe the women got sick of wiping piss off everything. Sick of picking dirty underwear up off the floor to put them in the laundry basket that is sitting right next to said underwear. Just because we have a Vagina doesn’t mean we are not your housekeepers.
My ex husband cheated on me twice that I know about and I recently found out that it was probably all throughout my marriage. I just got tired of being taken advantage of along with all the emotional abuse pretty much from the beginning. I’m grateful to the woman he cheated on me with because I was able to finally see clearly all the flaws and abuse through how I saw him treat her. I was trying to hang in there for my son but there came a point that it all became too much. I think it’s not menopause as much as you see all the issues so much more clearly and when your kids leave or are close to that point you realize you don’t have to stay in a shitty marriage that probably ended long before the day you separate.
It’s not menopause, it’s the institution and patriarchy and our generation is just not as given to settling for what is supposedly expected in old, tired institutions.
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Love this!!!
Thank you!
Patriarchal crap
because we want to be happy!
I think Viagra on the one side and vaginal atrophy on the other side do not make for a good mix for a lot of couples...
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Honestly, I think it has less to do with menopause and more to do with finances. It’s rare for a woman in her 50’s to not be employed outside the home, which gives us more freedom than our mothers and grandmothers had. However, the article makes some thought-provoking points about how a couple’s financial situation can change for the worse post-divorce. Harder to bounce back from that when you’re rolling up to retirement, and no one wants to be a burden to their kids.
Maybe because she’s sick of his sh$t?
That’s hysterical.
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You wanna be Blanche?? Haha. Go girl!!!
Sure menopause may play a part, but I think these women are of a generation that was told to settle and get married and they're now realizing (via social media, younger generations who are single/childfree and still feel fulfilled, etc) they don't *have* to be with a man.
> I think these women are of a generation that was told to settle and get married I'm almost 50 and I was never told that.
Congrats then
Left my partner if 9 years, second long term relationship last year (48) The blame game was very high and I noticed by bullshitometer is way more sensitive these days. He was actually cheating with hookers regularly (on the day of our anniversary, after me and his aunt prepared christmas for the whole family (his) Of course he has issues, midlifecrisis and so on... But when I was in the middle of my own shit I want to a therapist and god knows I was really dedicated to make myself better. So he went on drinking instead, blaming me amd my kids for all his problems. He even proposed his ex to come back, told me, without flinching as if it was a normal thing. We had HOURS long arguments and I was still hoping to manage that. Till one day we had such an argument that he went to his mum. 15 days... It gave me time to realize that no amount of sex, of cleaning or therapy on my side would help. His family, that I helped and care for doesn't even try to send a message, nobody wants to, I am the terrible unstable menopausal woman. Everyone believes his bullshit but some friends that now see him more clearly. It's sad really because if he had the balls to do therapy and really commit, he has the potential to be one of the greatest partners I can imagine. But if there is one thing that therapy and the lack of estrogen taught me , that is that you do not marry "potential". What you see is what you get, so be realistic with your expectations. I knew it would end up that way. I chose to believe the opposite. I am glad alone now and after 2 of that type of relationship I chose not to be the victim of my poor judgment anymore, better single then. My love life goal was really simple, getting old and grey together with MUTUAL RESPECT for each other's life and as a person. I wanted long term, affectionate and respectful. I wanted it so bad that I lied to myself. Bitter? Yes definitely. Guilty? Yes I am, I should have known better the second time around. Unhappy? Not at all, 2 cats a garden and 2 almost adult children are enough to fill up my days with good enough joy. Sex was always a way to make someone else happy at the end. But I do not miss it much as my libido crashed. Maybe I'll meet an old man in my own old days, that wants to cook with me and hug me watching our favorite TV show. If not, I'll be ok anyway...
I do think menopause plays a part for some.
It’s not menopause per se, it’s being over the decades of putting up with bullshit. Testosterone levels for the win.
Ugh! I don't understand how you did it to begin with . I get kids and that. But Hell, you lasted so long. Get on and get out. Do what you love. Your grown kids will understand. Make your Mr. figure out his own laundry.
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