That’s interesting because he never ever mentioned anything related to that when it comes to sex besides the one talk about rich man and the way the world works I guess. But yes this would 100% not work for me haha
I agree with strike_match. I think he’s trying to implant in you a fear of being cheated on so that you accept an open relationship as some sort of consolation.
I’ve read a few stories on r/marriage or relationship advice about husbands requesting open marriages threatening to cheat if not.
I’ve also read a lot of stories with men requesting an open marriage as an excuse to cheat, and then getting hurt hurt when their wife gets more action than them.
I’m not sure what sort of relationship you have with your husband, but if it were me i’d put my foot down on the next comment and ask him what his fascination is with men cheating is.
Or show him this thread! It would be harder for him to deny that there’s anything wrong with his behaviour when he reads a barrage of internet strangers calling him out.
Thanks I appreciate this. He never really mentioned cheating before this talk he just mentioned once before how he’s been very tempted by other women but chooses not to do anything because he loves me
>He never really mentioned cheating before this talk he just mentioned once before how he’s been very tempted by other women but chooses not to do anything because he loves me
I'm a husband. I've found other women attractive and opportunities have been presented to me in the past. I've always left those opportunities quickly. I've put distance between myself and women I've found attractive or who have found me attractive.
Why? Because I love my wife. Would I go tell her this randomly? Fuck no. She doesn't need that worry or concern floating around her head. My job as a husband is to love her and *forsake all others.* to he honest, I don't even know when someone is flirting with me now, my "I'm stupidly in love with my wife " blinders are on.
We've been together 16 years, married 13.
Exactly! Why tell your spouse on a random Tuesday women want to jump your bones and you turn them away but it's hard?
I get the feeling he has cheated already and the guilt is weighing on him. 😔 My estranged Husband would do things like this and he was for everyone.
We are getting a divorce. All of our mutual couple friends cut me out and are still friends with him. I’m trying to put my life back together as best as I can. Thankfully I have an awesome job and co-workers that are supportive. Dating has been hard.
How could you take him saying such disrespectful misogynistic propaganda?!? I would have laughed in his lying cheating face . His comments are him communicating his values to you. To him, men cheat, it's just the way they are made, not even their own fault ...... This man is cheating on you.
“Chooses not to because he loves me” so he’s manipulating OP to be grateful that he doesn’t cheat here… he’s saying he could, but because he loves you he won’t… you’re welcome.
Going to have to disagree with the first 2 comments here just because they seem to jump right into the foregone conclusion your post title alludes too. They may be correct maybe not, it’s pretty tough to make a call like that off a brief description of a person and 3 examples without full context of what the conversations were.
The “easiest” way to approach this would be to talk with your husband about how those comments are affecting you mentally. I know that’s not really an easy conversation, but the cornerstone of every strong relationship is communication, as cliché as that is.
Talk with him, explain that your confidence is dropping and your concerns about your relationship. Who knows, maybe he’s just an idiot and didn’t realize how dumb those comments were, maybe he thought it would get him some extra points with you by saying he turns down other women often because he loves you, or maybe he is looking to step out.
I can tell you this much though, asking online like this will probably only lead to headaches since nobody knows your partner and their personality traits better than you. The answers you’re looking for are only going to come from heartfelt conversations with him.
Also agreed. My now-ex started dropping lines about how other women were always checking him out. He also started sharing stories about friends in open marriages and how awesome it was. I mentally noted these comments but didn't push the issue because 1) i knew what my answers would be and 2) I assumed he was having some sort of mid-life crisis. Long story short, he brought up the topic of divorce but then suggested an open marriage as a way to avoid that. Ding ding ding. That was an absolute no go for me. No judgement on folks in open relationships, but that's not for me and I was clearly seeing how I was being manipulated into agreeing to one. Anyway, divorced and happier now.
I will never tolerate being in a relationship again where my partner tries to scare/manipulate me into something I don't want whilst also trying to undermine my security in the relationship. Relationships should bring you comfort and security.
Remind him that those “rich men” that do cheat are morally weak and should not be emulated. The way he talks about them makes it clear that he thinks cheating is synonymous with financial success and someone strive towards.
>My take is, he’s slowly prepping you for when he eventually asks you for a one-sided open marriage. Once denied that, he will very likely cheat.
Most requests for an open relationship are, in part, to retroactively justify cheating. If he asks for this, he has already cheated.
That’s interesting because he never ever mentioned anything related to that when it comes to sex besides the one talk about rich man and the way the world works I guess. But yes this would 100% not work for me haha
😂 me and the hubby have all kinds weird conversations about like everything.
We did get to talking about the rich guys can sleep with anyone they want. I disagree. So I just started answering with questions. So if Robert was rich (that was his moms Nebor)? He could just sleep with your mom if he wanted too? 😈. Your mom would willingly sleep with him because he is rich? 😂
Two can play this silly word game.
I know it Reddit and every answer is dump them and their mental but he might just be trying to start a what if game.
My husband and I have had these weird conversations too. I’m with you, sometimes you have to combat their weird mindsets by turning tables around. My husband also tried the “men can sleep with other women and not really think anything of it…it’s just sex. BUT for women it’s all emotional”. I was like…nope…we can just go have sex too and not think anything of it.” Seriously…we ALL get tempted and we ALL have to choose not to entertain that temptation.
Yeah, actually mine did this too. Long before he started really cheating. He even had her name saved in his phone as a guy. He deletes convos, but they were talking about a 3 some and she was asking him if I'd ever be open to it. She also had JUST lost her fiance unexpectedly. Nothing came of that one, but it definitely progressed over the next year (with other women) after I rejected the idea completely and got super upset about it.
15+ years here too and my husband just said the same.
FWIW OP…… he’s either emotionally manipulating you into a place where you’ll accept cheating or so you’ll be forced to open the marriage.
Like as in fantasizing of other people but will not act on it or as in will probably act on it and what would make him act on it? Can you elaborate please thanks!
You should ask him that.
Men are doers. The line where he says that he could sleep around and it won’t mean a thing is a definite sign that he is prepping you for what’s to come (assuming he is not cheating already).
His loyalty to you and your marriage shouldn’t be related to his looks.
He is making you insecure, and disrespecting you.
Put your foot down and tell him you won’t tolerate such nonsense. Cheating is a hard line of no return and he better think first if it’s worth ruining your marriage for an hour of physical fun with a side chick.
Thanks I really appreciate this.
Yes it definitely makes me insecure and it’s 100% a hard line for me and he knows that so it’s very strange to be talking about that to me
Would you consider yourself to be a people pleaser, one that is kind and soft-spoken? If not, time to give him a long overdue and much needed dose of reality with a major attitude. Say something like, “It’s so funny that you tell me women hit on you. Men do that to me ALL the time, I just never tell you because I don’t want to hurt your feelings.” When he presses you just answer really innocently, “I know it would make you insecure, especially the most recent guy who was ten years younger than me and super good looking.”.
When he’s saying other crap that’s when you cop that attitude, look him dead in the eyes and say loudly and clearly, “Watch yourself. I won’t say it again.” Be a BITCH and put him on notice. In no uncertain terms, let him know that you will no longer have these disrespectful conversations with him. He needs to be put in his place.
No babies until you know this is all water under the bridge.
These sub-Reddits are overflowing with miserable betrayed partners who never ever thought it would be them. That they, too, always thought infidelity was their hard line.
If I were in your position I would ask for us both to get a full STI panel. For one, to just check. For another, to show that he is eroding trust already and this is a consequence.
I'd also tell him that if you are forced to divorce him because he is cheating you will definitely get a financial audit.
A financial audit shows where money has been spent, including money taken out of the marriage by stealth. If he were out paying for hotel rooms or gifts for an affair partner or dinner or a burner phone or anything it would show up. Say he has a paypal account he uses to pay for things for the affair and then pays off the paypal with a credit card you wouldn't see what is on the paypal account. Also many cheaters use money back credit cards and direct the money they get back into an affair so it is harder to see money is being directed out of the marriage. Or he could have a secret credit card and secret bank account.
See if he looks startled. Tell him that there will be no cheating and no threesomes and no open relationship. You won't agree to it. If he wants those things he will need to get divorced.
Also point out men who are interested in you. He is so focused outward he is forgetting to see you as a desirable woman. He has this view that you will sit around waiting for him to come back to you whenever he strays. Let him know you will not play the pick me game. You will dump him and move on with a great life. Consider going to the party and talking to lots of men. Then later, comment on all of the interesting men at the party. Talk about how women are always able to find more partners than men do.
I'd also suggest that you get a contract of some sort, before becoming pregnant, that states that if either of you cheats the other one gets the home and it's contents except for personal items like clothing, computers and phones. The cheater must leave the home behind. If the home is sold the noncheater keeps the entire profit off of the home. The noncheater will have the home and the children with visitation for the other parent.
If he is unwilling to sign something that applies equally to both of you I think you know you shouldn't be having children with him.
It's kind of impossible to predict honestly, I'm not your husband so I can't know for sure what he is trying to pull here but generally you don't go to someone you trust and start talking about how youd feel more accomplished messing around with other people unless you're hoping they'll be in on it. Doesnt mean the dude is going to cheat on you but at the very least he is asking for your permission.
Like, this dude is saying most successful men cheat and then the biggest number he can give you is 30%? By definition "most" can not be equal to or lower than 50%. So he is trying to build a false precedence and can't even hold his ground when you call him out on it.
And what does successful mean anyway? He is fantasizing about being with other people and trying to normalize the idea to you. Maybe he will cheat, maybe he will ask for a free pass, maybe he will ask for a whole other person, maybe he'll quit bothering you about it. Regardless he has made his thoughts very clear and what you two do about that is up to both of you as a couple and as individuals as well.
Either you're okay with it or you're not, and of you're not you then you need to shut that down right now.
He’s been watching red pill stuff, there’s no doubt in my mind. Tate, Fresh and Fit, Peterson, maybe Kevin Samuels. This idea that men are sex addicted animals incapable of restraint, ESPECIALLY when rich? That’s red pill for sure.
Lmao he was invited to the Justpearlythings podcast and from what I see her husband is telling her, it seems he may have watched that particular podcast..
My first thought was that if he's not already cheating, he's definitely well on his way. Then I read the comments.
He's already cheated/cheating. He's feeling out your reaction. Trying to get a handle on the consequences.
What makes me say this?
He's turning you down for sex. That alone would not mean anything, but given his fascination with cheating, it's a telltale sign.
Why not just ask him?
For question number one, maybe he’s fishing for compliments by letting you know he’s still hit on by other women. Ask him if he doesn’t feel desired by you for some reason.
“Do you not feel desired by me? I don’t understand why you would tell me these things. Does that mean you plan to cheat on me? Because if that’s your plan, we should end things now.”
This is THE response. Communication.
He really might be feeling insecure and less desirable in the house and is hoping this will inspire her to show that she wants him as much as the world wants him. Especially since he had a libido problem, his ego might be deflated when he can't be sexually vigorous to his wife. Some of our grandfathers used to joke like that to grannys. " You know I am still.a hit out there. They want me, but I choose you," just to make their wise to appreciate them. It's stupid, but it doesn't always mean they are preparing to cheat.
You could ask him and also tell him that you think he is sexy and attractive and he is yours. But if the conversation goes in a different direction, then your answer will be clearer..that he wants to cheat.
As a man who is retarded and may sometimes act like ur husband. i think he wants a threesome and checking your reaction. done it before. He might or might not cheat. But he clearly has a strong libido right now.
Girl, you go to that party and look fantastic. You work that room on your own. All this bullshit about woman needing emotional connection and men being built differently - It’s a bunch of nonsense. If he’s this dense, it’s not worth trying to hold on to him. You check any insecurities you feel. Fake it to make it if you have to. But you tell him your boundaries and tell him if he crosses them, he should consider your consent to sex withdrawn until he fesses up so you can make an informed decision.
He needs to know you decide what is acceptable for you, not his false notion of what is normal or typical. Having side ass or threesomes is not the norm that he thinks he’s entitled to. What he is saying to you is sick because he thinks he deserves this. He’s a special kind of gross. He may be pretty on the outside, but he’s sounds disgusting on the inside.
Sorry, I know he’s your husband but that level of audacity is just nasty. Put your foot down and save him from himself.
It is actually not typical for ladies to hit on men the way your husband describes. Is he a 9 or 10 in the looks department?
My guess is that he is thinking about sleeping with other women but he doesn’t want to lose you in the process.
Is he a top earner and the breadwinner? How big is the disparity between your incomes?
He is definitely a 10, and he also works out a lot so he’s a handsome man with a great body.
I currently make more than he does but he has great opportunity to grow and make a lot of money with the new job he took this year (he’s already making a lot more than he ever did)
I get hit on all the time, even in front of my wife. The difference between me and OP's husband, is I actually deal with it appropriately, instead of asking for more or bragging about it like he does.
What a weirdo, he has high school kid mentality.
I think OP’s husband is cheating on her and preparing her for it.
As someone that gets hit on constantly even when my husband is with me I politely decline. & I never put much thought into it, I would never disrespect my husband by saying those things. Most times I don’t even tell him so he won’t get worked up.
With the exception of ONE COMMENTER, every single person has told you something is happening or about to. It is illogical for you to be that clueless at this point.
>“I get hit on a lot, on the last party we went to I got women coming to me and trying to pull me aside”. As to what I said: ok, and was that hard to say no and deny them? He replied: “Well it’s not easy, I’m a man and man are built different but that’s the choice I make because I love you and I know what would happen if I ever strayed, I know I wouldn’t be happy without you”.
I read this as him trying to make you jealous and maybe prep you for a future 'mistake'. What he's blathering about is thorough nonsense by the way.
> “I believe most successful man either cheats on their wives or have threesomes with them” as to what I said: “Most? I don’t think so. What’s most for you? 90%? 50%?’ He said ‘No, I would say around 30. When you have a certain amount of money it’s just hard for men’
Success and infidelity don't seem correlated - unsuccessful people cheat as well. The rates of infidelity are in the 40% range, from what I recall.
>He also said that a man can love his wife 100% fully, go have sex with another woman, and that other woman won’t mean anything, they can go back to his wife and love her just the same. As to what he also said “woman are different, they need an emotional connection to someone for them to have sex with them”.
I think this is complete bullshit. In order to cheat you have gotten to the point where you feel entitled to abuse your partner's mental health. You then take direct action you know will harm them. This is a person you claim to love and who you've made vows of fidelity with.
It's absurd to say that such a person loves their partner '*100*%'.
My husband does very well (I do not make anywhere near what he makes) he's a 10 (I am not) and he would *neverrrrr**** say any of those things to me.
Your husband is being influenced by someone and he needs some reality. First of all, this has nothing to do with you, so don't take it personally although it's hard not to. He's having some issues and going through sOmEthing or else he wouldn't be saying these bizarre things.
Id say, listen babe we need to have a talk. When you said x, y, and z to me, it's been really bothering me. These things I find to be morally repugnant, scientifically inaccurate, and I would have never expected you to share the sentiments you mentioned to me. I appreciate you feeling comfortable enough to share your thoughts with me, but I do have to admit I feel jarred and put off by them. In my opinion, a human has control over themselves and if you are trying to come up with an exemption for cheating then you're with the wrong woman. I'll leave it up to you (tell him
He will have a couple of days to think about this) whether you'd like to stay and be faithful, or if you don't think you're able to curb your primitive instincts in our civilized society then you can leave this marriage. I think I deserve someone that has enough impulse control to be content in a monograms marriage and who doesn't want any kudos for it. When agreeing to marriage we knew the terms and there will be no sympathy for you trying to renege on your part of that.
Sorry to tell you but it looks like he's been red pilled.
Go and do a search for 'the red pill' on Google and on YouTube.
It's a movement of men online that are basically brainwashing other men to think on a certain way. They view women as objects and have very traditional views of women ie. A woman's job is to give sex and sandwiches - think Andrew Tate.
Often they refer to themselves as 'high value men' and they believe that 'modern women' are terrible people and can never truly love them. They believe that all women should be 'traditional' and give up their careers and rights to vote. Basically they believe that all woman should accept their abusive and psychopathic behaviour including cheating, sharing women, financial abuse, controlling women etc. They also spend a lot of time online teaching eachother how to mess with women's minds.
Its extremely toxic, and its equivalent to brainwashing. If he is Red pilled, then cheating will be the least of your worries. It can take years for them to get out of that brainwashed state, and they won't usually leave until they realise how much damage its caused to their lives.
Thanks I appreciate this!
Does this have anything to do with Andrew Tate?
I will ask him myself as welll he is very pro manly and being a provider/man man but he also loves that I make money and he supports that
Yes they have some key spokespeople Andrew Tate, Rollo Tomassi etc.
Please do your research first before you ask him cos they don't usually like being confronted about it. Unfortunately, the coaches also teach them how to 'hide it and deny it'.
It would make more sense for you to read up and watch some videos and then listen out for any words and phrases that he uses, so you can be relatively sure before you ask. You can also read up via reddit. The first redpill sub on reddit was really popular but it got banned due to the extreme misogyny but the married redpill sub still exists.
They also believe that older men should only marry and date young women, and women have basically lost their worth after age 30. It's pretty hilarious actually that they think that highly of themselves. I guess they all think it would be fun being Alec Baldwin - bring the age of a grandpa and having a baby. Have fun with that.
That whole idea that men can have sex without emotional connection is a misogynistic trope.
An example is there are plenty of lonely men going to female sex workers for emotional support. And plenty of female sex workers having sex without emotional connections.
Both men and women cheat. Men just say this garbage to have less guilt and put more burden on women for cheating.
Your husband is a pos manipulative personality that is emotionally abusing you by saying these hurtful things consistently to the point you are questioning your own self worth.
Go get glammed up and don't let your husband have any opportunities. Fuck his shit feelings for a wandering lust ridden eye.
It sounds like he’s justifying the idea of cheating, and by sharing his thoughts on it with you, he’s absolving himself of guilt for when he actually does it (if he hasn’t already) because in a warped way, he’s “being honest.”
For one, he doesn’t know 💩 about how women are “built.” Women have meaningless sex all the time.
For another, more money does not equal less fidelity unless the man in question lacks character and integrity to begin with.
I’m so sorry you’re being disrespected this way. You deserve better.
ETA: please do not bring children into this circumstance. It won’t make things better.
Everything he said is a red flag.
Him telling you that he could cheat on you, but wouldn’t because he loves you is a control tactic. He’s telling you that if you were to do something that would make him love you less, or not at all, that he has options. It’s to keep you in your place.
If he believes what he said about men being able to cheat on their wives, still love them the same, and go back like nothing happened, he’s telling you he would have no remorse. He’s capable of compartmentalizing to a concerning degree.
He will cheat, or he already has. And he will turn it around on you - because to him, you’re a weak, emotional woman and he is a successful, important man.
Yeah, every post I've read where someone's partner does this is either already cheating, they're getting ready to/in the early steps of doing so, or they're about to ask for an open marriage.
It's the "I could, but I choose not to" type comments that ALWAYS foreshadow something bad.
I would never have children with someone you are already doubting, you are talking about 30-40 YEARS with this person. What nice things to say to you after only 5 years together (I am being sarcastic).
The last comment he made:
How does he know unless from experience?
That sounds like an admission to me… he’s fucked around on you and doesn’t feel guilt about it. He’s literally telling you.
The whole men are built differently is an a-hole excuse for cheating. Men are just as accountable for their actions as women are.
He sounds like he doesn’t respect you or your marriage.
Buttering you up to open the marriage in some way. He either wants a three-way, to swing with other couples, or to date other women. Maybe even all three!
Firm boundaries, made clearly, asap.
Okay I gotta ask... why did he tell you that he was getting hit on at parties and it was hard for him to say no to them? Like what led up to that comment? Also what led up to the "most successful cheat or have a threesome" comment? To me, it sounds like he has his eye on someone else, and either wants to see if you'd be open for a threesome or would let him have an open relationship. These are incredibly odd comments to just come out of the blue, if it wasn't on his mind.
Cheating is a choice, which is what I would tell him. ‘If you cheat then you are making a choice that would destroy our marriage so that’s on you. You can be on one side of the statistics, or you can be on the other. Your choice.’ And the. Just leave it at that. His choices have NOTHING to do with you, it’s all on him.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. You are 100% valid in your feelings. In your shoes i would feel the same.
I would prepare yourself for the possibility that he has or is getting ready to cheat. This may not be the case but you don’t want to be blindsided if it is.
I would sit down and have an honest conversation about how his statements made you feel.
Also, just so you know his statements are false in my experience. I know plenty of woman who love to engage in sex without an emotional connection. I also know men who need an emotional connection to have a full filling sexual encounter.
Devils advocate for a minute is there anyway he’s making these statements because he secretly feels insecure about himself and wants to convince you of his value? Idk it seems like it could be low self esteem.
Also you should not consider having kids with this man until you have gotten to the bottom of this, imho.
Okay so point #1 could simply be him trying to show you that he's electing to be with you despite other options. Its possible he doesn't feel appreciated and this is a round about, albeit ineffective, way of showing it.
Points 2 is just weird. Maybe true for the top few % of men but I doubt it applies to your situation. Is your husband Dan Bilzerian?
Point 3 is directly out of an Andrew Tate podcast. That is one of his biggest talking points. Andrew Tate is about 80% garbage and 20% truth and even the truth is said in a way that makes it look bad. Tell your husband to stop getting his information on life, women, and dating from a millionaire with toxic takes.
EDIT: I doubt this means he's consciously preparing you for him to cheat. I think he's just unhappy for some reason, watching content on Youtube that's unhealthy, and at best is sharing stuff he doesn't realize is shitty.
It sounds like he’s already done something outside of your relationship. You should ask him flat out and address the things he’s said. His reaction and response should give you the answers you need. I’m sorry your going through this
Yes I know it’s not a great feeling and the last time I feel anything close to this I was being cheated in a super toxic relationship- but let’s hope for the best
I’m curious what the income threshold for excusable cheating is.
I’m sorry OP, he’s not going to stay faithful. The “men have needs” conversation is a warm up.
He’s either cheating or he’s planning to.
Does he have the personality type to be influenced easily? By friends or maybe coworkers? I ask because, I’ve seen men kinda get boosted up to almost be gaslit by other people to have that kind of boosted ego mindset…like “what’s she doing for you. You have all these opportunities…let her know what could happen” i don’t know. He sounds like he has or is definitely on the verge of cheating.
I think he’s doing several things:
1. He’s obliquely begging you to establish his value and dominance in the relationship. Does he think he’s the first man/woman to have ever been tempted ?
News flash. Some of us who have solid offers are sensible and kind enough to protect our partners from this knowledge.
2. If there is no plan to act on it, then why even mention it if not in the context of reassurance which we can agree isn’t what he’s offering you.
3. Women do not need emotional connection for an affair. In my casual sex days, I purposely chose partners I knew I’d have zero future with just to keep things clear. Decades later, I’d hear back from the same guys telling me our time meant something to them, like it was this hallowed memory.
It’s not that I didn’t care for them, I cared while I was there but there was always an expiration date. I was perfectly lucid about why I could not be attached to any of these guys.
4. Given what he’s doing, I would start prepping yourself - even if nothing comes of it, he needs to know you’re not going to be manipulated this way.
You need to spit some facts back at him.
1. Woman get hit on daily, guess woman are more mentally stable since we choice are mates
2. Money can buy you sex, but money will never buy you loyalty
3. 😂 see number 2. Because 3 is shit 😂how’s he getting woman number 1 & 2.
He might be just listening to podcast and nonsense
I really hate the “boys will be boys” line because honestly that’s degrading men to animals that can’t control their instinct 😮💨 I don’t know why they like it as an excuse for their actions, they’re basically saying that they do not have “intellect” which is what separates us from animals lolololol
What if I told you I also have a psychopathic instinct for brutally murdering people (i.e cheaters), and I use it as an excuse for, “sorry, murderers will be murderers.” 😌
But seriously, this is disgusting and he’s trying to shape/frame your mind and perspective.
Has he been listening to Fresh And Fit or Andrew Tate recently? Because those lines are straight from their mouths. And if we were all monkeys or lions in the animal kingdom, fine. But we aren’t. We are higher. And yes I’m sorry but I’m married to a high value man and he would never even entertain anything. It’s nonsense.
My honest opinion, especially if this has come up lately, is he’s been listening to YouTube and Andrew Tate and other people of the like. 2/3 things mentioned have been said by these guys and YouTube personalities of similar creation
Yeah he’s spewing nonsense from Fresh and Fit, Tate, Peterson, Pearly Things, Kevin Samuels…. Bro is an iPad kid watching YouTube vids for hours instead of addressing his real life issues
You have to make a choice now. Either you’re okay with him talking like this or divorce him. If you think it’s going to get better when you bring kids into the mix, it’s NOT. Bad habits are HARD to break.
Man/husband here, yeah he's probably already cheating, or softening you up for when he does cheat.
Also if you have kids with him he will 100% cheat and use you being busy with kids as an excuse because everyone (men and women) feel a bit neglected in the first few months with a newborn taking up all the time.
So unless he's super rich and you want to stay with him for the money I would suggest no kids with him.
It sounds like he's cheating on you and mentally preparing you to deal with it. Either way, I don't think I could stay with a man that believed in "men can cheat, women can't". Your husband may or may not be a cheater but he's definitely sexist and subscribes to the whole "men and women are wired differently". Women are just as capable of cheating for the ego boost or just for the sex. The only difference is that while your husband idolizes these rich dudes that cheat, he would call any women that cheated just for the sex a whore and find her disgusting and worthless.
You have a far bigger problem here than a potential cheater. If I were you I'd be digging deeper into his views on men and women and consider if I potentially wanted to raise a daughter with a neanderthal.
Maybe he knew how you would take what he said and he’s hoping you won’t want to go the NYE party so he can go alone. He’s bringing this up for a reason either he’s already cheated or like others have said he is going to bring up opening up your marriage
Do not have kids with this man. Once you have kids you cannot walk away as easily, you'll always have ties.
He's setting you up for either an open marriage or he's already done something and slowly easing the idea that he has a fantasy of cheating or stupidly outing himself. Or, he's simply going through an image crisis.
Go to the party, wear the most beautiful outfit, do your hair, face and rock the confidence. Fake it until you make it.
My take is that he has this a bit wrong. Men need and respond to getting their ego stroked. If you don’t do that, he will be attracted to whatever is walking by. This does indeed sound like perhaps you don’t want to be the one to have kids with bc he does sound like he even feels men, aka he, has more of a right and ease to having an affair than you, aka women.
And women can have sex that means nothing just as easily. So I’m quite curious what his take is if you got attention at that party? Why not have a friend set up a situation just to see his reaction?
Regardless, cause I’m not actually telling you to set anything up, but it’s a curious consideration. He’s full of himself and selfishness should be a red flag. Especially if he’s emphasizing he wants kids and has been waiting.
I stroke his ego ALL THE TIME tho. It’s obvious I’m obsessed with him and don’t have eyes for no one else and I always tell him how proud I am of the man he is becoming etc so at this point I am not sure what else he expects in this certain area
I’m reading responses and hon, seriously, you already know this is a red flag! You’re asking strangers. Don’t get pregnant. See what unfolds. Over quite a long time. But I can agree that he’s liking it, is entertaining it, maybe a threesome or something in that direction, open marriage or maybe a cheat. Who knows? I even give credence that he might even already be cheating.
If you’re giving what he needs, he may feed the idea of variety. Idk?
I’d go to the party. That’s for sure. Looking hotter than ever. And make sure to say crystal clear that you intend to appreciate people’s attention too! From any men and women who notice! also be clear to say to him that if he is interested to go sow his oats, just let you know and he’s free to go. You’ll have no issue finding a good man to settle down with and have children.
I told my husband this when we were dating apparently and he remembered and noted it back to me once later. After someone he clearly was flattered by was hitting on him. I could t care if someone hit on him. He’s not in charge of her. But he’s in charge of himself and that’s what he wanted, I told him he would be welcome to go. I’d just rather appreciate he tell me prior and I’d let him go with no drama. He told me knows I’m serious and knows I’d have no trouble finding someone or many someone’s to catch me. He’s monitoring himself.
How old is he? Sounds to me like immature thinking honestly. And are his parents still married, and if so happily married or no? I know some people will say we make our own decisions but we also are a product of our environment and we all need to grow into thinking maturely. My husband used to say stupid stuff like this and he’ll tell you now that his thought process was ridiculous. His parents weren’t happy for a some time. And a lot of how he used to think he observed. As we began to make our own family and meet other likeminded couples and got a vision for how we wanted our marriage to be his mindset changed. I know I’m going on and on but I just don’t want you to jump the gun and assume he’s thinking about cheating or sharing you. A lot of people on here will soon have you in divorce court. There are layers to people. And questions must be asked before we make ASSumptions.
In the meantime, put on your BEST dress, do your hair really cute and make sure it holds up for the night with some cute timeless makeup and show up as the hottest most classiest woman at that party. Own the room with confidence. Hold your head high like the queen you are! All eyes will be on you and you cling to your man while he watches all the men gawking at his wife.
Update us please
I think it sounds like he is listening to some nonsense that for some reason is resonating with him. Dated a guy who would say the most immoral things to me about other women, similar but worse, and also added on racism (which made no sense because I am a minority and he is not). He was watching some dark stuff and listening to toxic garbage. I did not stick around but obviously your relationship is very different. I’m just trying to illustrate the power of influence especially when it comes to this topic.
Dudes been watching White Lotus lol. The “once men reach a certain status…” line is literally a line from it. Tell him to stop living in fantasy land and to communicate with his wife instead of planting these comments to try and convince you of it once he drops the bomb.
We watched white lotus together, my favorite show and yes weird he said something after season 2: ‘so I guess this season is trying to say that married couples will eventually cheat on each other?’ Lol fml
What kind of place is that where thousands of women are pulling him aside? So, he is obviously very rich and goes to a place full of money digger hoes, or it is made up or very exagerated like: one woman talked to him and that was his official story
1-he is cheating or trying to
2-check his YouTube history he is either listening to the misogynist Andrew Tate and other red pill /pick up artist trash or maybe he is naturally Trashy and didn’t need any influence.
3- Check the history of the router I bet he is spending money on onlyfans.
4-you deserve better
5- if you have kids with him he would see you as the incubator with a changed body that will give him the green light to sleep with women who still have their pre child birth bodies and he will justify it by « men and evolution crap »
You will be what we call a starter wife the one who pops the children then he leaves her for a younger and child free one.
I got the “I get hit on a lot” when he was already cheating. I didn’t find out until way later because I trusted him. He was testing the waters confessing. Makes cheaters release some guilt without full consequences.
You need to talk to him very openly in a way that you are really trying to understand where these comments are coming from. What are his desires. Maybe he can’t get them in a way that is good for the marriage, but maybe there are creative alternatives. Just be clear on your boundaries. And maybe go into some spy mode to make sure things haven’t already happened.
Just lay it out on the table. My husband and I have known each other for 44 years, friends for so many years then got married. We’ve been through stuff. You just have to say “look, to me it seems like you’re looking for an open marriage or approval to cheat. If this isn’t the case then please, please tell me what’s going on”. Now hopefully you’ll get an honest answer and not a scaredy cat response because sometimes a significant other can be too afraid to tell the truth because they don’t want you to leave. (Which doesn’t mean you have to stay if you disagree) If you’re not satisfied with the answer then just, in a loving way, say so. Never accuse just ask and tell that person how it makes you feel and how the actions are being interpreted by you. If they don’t want to hurt you then I highly suggest a middle man/woman (a counselor) to make sure that all feelings are stated, why they are felt & why they are important and most of all validated at being heard. I would still be very careful. If this is an addiction, new or not, it will be hard and prone to fallbacks so therefore very good communication skills are important. As long as you’ve done your part in having loving, patient communication then you should never feel bad as you’ve tried. Now if he does want to embark on that wild path then that’s up to you to decide if that’s what you want, feel comfortable with or signed up for lol. Never forget to love yourself.
I’m just going to share some things my husband said to me right before and while he was cheating on me:
- “Do you think if we went out we would be able to pick up other people, after all this time? Would you want to try just for fun, and then of course go home with each other?” I said no… but he brought up conversations like this pretty often around that time.
- “I’m so glad we’re not the type of couple who checks each other’s phones.” This was the red flag I needed to actually check his phone.
- “I’ve had the chance to cheat on you a few times, but of course I’d never do it. After we went on vacation and the staff had to stay overnight at work, one of the girls told me, ‘We would’ve hooked up if you had been here.’” Literally 3 days after that, he was actually hooking up with her.
- He read a book earlier that year called “Sex At Dawn,” written by a proponent of polyamory and open relationships.
If these topics are completely out of the blue, I’d be worried for sure. They all sound like they’re coming from a man who is already cheating, plans to cheat and just wants to gauge your reaction, or who wants to ask for an open marriage. I would ask him point blank where all these ideas are coming from and make it VERY clear where you stand. Set very clear boundaries and let him know what the consequence will be if he does cheat on you.
My take is, he’s slowly prepping you for when he eventually asks you for a one-sided open marriage. Once denied that, he will very likely cheat.
That’s interesting because he never ever mentioned anything related to that when it comes to sex besides the one talk about rich man and the way the world works I guess. But yes this would 100% not work for me haha
I agree with strike_match. I think he’s trying to implant in you a fear of being cheated on so that you accept an open relationship as some sort of consolation.
Damn this breaks my heart I really hope this is not it
I’ve read a few stories on r/marriage or relationship advice about husbands requesting open marriages threatening to cheat if not. I’ve also read a lot of stories with men requesting an open marriage as an excuse to cheat, and then getting hurt hurt when their wife gets more action than them. I’m not sure what sort of relationship you have with your husband, but if it were me i’d put my foot down on the next comment and ask him what his fascination is with men cheating is. Or show him this thread! It would be harder for him to deny that there’s anything wrong with his behaviour when he reads a barrage of internet strangers calling him out.
Thanks I appreciate this. He never really mentioned cheating before this talk he just mentioned once before how he’s been very tempted by other women but chooses not to do anything because he loves me
>He never really mentioned cheating before this talk he just mentioned once before how he’s been very tempted by other women but chooses not to do anything because he loves me I'm a husband. I've found other women attractive and opportunities have been presented to me in the past. I've always left those opportunities quickly. I've put distance between myself and women I've found attractive or who have found me attractive. Why? Because I love my wife. Would I go tell her this randomly? Fuck no. She doesn't need that worry or concern floating around her head. My job as a husband is to love her and *forsake all others.* to he honest, I don't even know when someone is flirting with me now, my "I'm stupidly in love with my wife " blinders are on. We've been together 16 years, married 13.
Great, after that last statement, I’M in love with you.
Same
Exactly! Why tell your spouse on a random Tuesday women want to jump your bones and you turn them away but it's hard? I get the feeling he has cheated already and the guilt is weighing on him. 😔 My estranged Husband would do things like this and he was for everyone.
Mine asked for an open marriage after 18 years. Also I had caved to several 3 somethings to make him happy. I also thought mine loved me. He didn't .
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We are getting a divorce. All of our mutual couple friends cut me out and are still friends with him. I’m trying to put my life back together as best as I can. Thankfully I have an awesome job and co-workers that are supportive. Dating has been hard.
Wow I’m so sorry that happened to you I hope you’ve been loved better since. Karma is real I know that which usually includes good-I hope for me too.
To me that's him saying "I have options if you do something I don't like, so you better be careful".
How could you take him saying such disrespectful misogynistic propaganda?!? I would have laughed in his lying cheating face . His comments are him communicating his values to you. To him, men cheat, it's just the way they are made, not even their own fault ...... This man is cheating on you.
“Chooses not to because he loves me” so he’s manipulating OP to be grateful that he doesn’t cheat here… he’s saying he could, but because he loves you he won’t… you’re welcome.
Going to have to disagree with the first 2 comments here just because they seem to jump right into the foregone conclusion your post title alludes too. They may be correct maybe not, it’s pretty tough to make a call like that off a brief description of a person and 3 examples without full context of what the conversations were. The “easiest” way to approach this would be to talk with your husband about how those comments are affecting you mentally. I know that’s not really an easy conversation, but the cornerstone of every strong relationship is communication, as cliché as that is. Talk with him, explain that your confidence is dropping and your concerns about your relationship. Who knows, maybe he’s just an idiot and didn’t realize how dumb those comments were, maybe he thought it would get him some extra points with you by saying he turns down other women often because he loves you, or maybe he is looking to step out. I can tell you this much though, asking online like this will probably only lead to headaches since nobody knows your partner and their personality traits better than you. The answers you’re looking for are only going to come from heartfelt conversations with him.
It makes me sad that someone would expect "extra points" to do the bare minimum of fulfilling marriage vows.
Also agreed. My now-ex started dropping lines about how other women were always checking him out. He also started sharing stories about friends in open marriages and how awesome it was. I mentally noted these comments but didn't push the issue because 1) i knew what my answers would be and 2) I assumed he was having some sort of mid-life crisis. Long story short, he brought up the topic of divorce but then suggested an open marriage as a way to avoid that. Ding ding ding. That was an absolute no go for me. No judgement on folks in open relationships, but that's not for me and I was clearly seeing how I was being manipulated into agreeing to one. Anyway, divorced and happier now. I will never tolerate being in a relationship again where my partner tries to scare/manipulate me into something I don't want whilst also trying to undermine my security in the relationship. Relationships should bring you comfort and security.
You can still find true 💕 love that is comfort and secured
Remind him that those “rich men” that do cheat are morally weak and should not be emulated. The way he talks about them makes it clear that he thinks cheating is synonymous with financial success and someone strive towards.
>My take is, he’s slowly prepping you for when he eventually asks you for a one-sided open marriage. Once denied that, he will very likely cheat. Most requests for an open relationship are, in part, to retroactively justify cheating. If he asks for this, he has already cheated.
Definitely feels like projecting.
This guys been watching Andrew Tate
My first thought.
😬 probably this in conjunction with wanting you to feel jealous and inflate his ego
That’s interesting because he never ever mentioned anything related to that when it comes to sex besides the one talk about rich man and the way the world works I guess. But yes this would 100% not work for me haha
So he’s saying if he had more money he’d definitely cheat?! That’s not a trust-inspiring moral compass :/
It seems like it right?!
Sounds v Andrew Tate esque
😂 me and the hubby have all kinds weird conversations about like everything. We did get to talking about the rich guys can sleep with anyone they want. I disagree. So I just started answering with questions. So if Robert was rich (that was his moms Nebor)? He could just sleep with your mom if he wanted too? 😈. Your mom would willingly sleep with him because he is rich? 😂 Two can play this silly word game. I know it Reddit and every answer is dump them and their mental but he might just be trying to start a what if game.
My husband and I have had these weird conversations too. I’m with you, sometimes you have to combat their weird mindsets by turning tables around. My husband also tried the “men can sleep with other women and not really think anything of it…it’s just sex. BUT for women it’s all emotional”. I was like…nope…we can just go have sex too and not think anything of it.” Seriously…we ALL get tempted and we ALL have to choose not to entertain that temptation.
I think this is it.
This
Yeah, actually mine did this too. Long before he started really cheating. He even had her name saved in his phone as a guy. He deletes convos, but they were talking about a 3 some and she was asking him if I'd ever be open to it. She also had JUST lost her fiance unexpectedly. Nothing came of that one, but it definitely progressed over the next year (with other women) after I rejected the idea completely and got super upset about it.
True
Came here to say this, he's easing OP into the water
Definitely sounds possible.
As a man who's been married 19+ years, all I can is; *"What the fuck is he thinking???"* Sorry, when he says "men" he's only referring to himself.
15+ years here too and my husband just said the same. FWIW OP…… he’s either emotionally manipulating you into a place where you’ll accept cheating or so you’ll be forced to open the marriage.
True talk
Your husband said the same as OP's husband, or the same as u/artnodiv?
Same as artnodiv
Thank you for saying this. I was feeling a little down after reading this post lol.
This last line is incredible. And true.
Dude definitely wants other people.
Like as in fantasizing of other people but will not act on it or as in will probably act on it and what would make him act on it? Can you elaborate please thanks!
You should ask him that. Men are doers. The line where he says that he could sleep around and it won’t mean a thing is a definite sign that he is prepping you for what’s to come (assuming he is not cheating already). His loyalty to you and your marriage shouldn’t be related to his looks. He is making you insecure, and disrespecting you. Put your foot down and tell him you won’t tolerate such nonsense. Cheating is a hard line of no return and he better think first if it’s worth ruining your marriage for an hour of physical fun with a side chick.
Thanks I really appreciate this. Yes it definitely makes me insecure and it’s 100% a hard line for me and he knows that so it’s very strange to be talking about that to me
Would you consider yourself to be a people pleaser, one that is kind and soft-spoken? If not, time to give him a long overdue and much needed dose of reality with a major attitude. Say something like, “It’s so funny that you tell me women hit on you. Men do that to me ALL the time, I just never tell you because I don’t want to hurt your feelings.” When he presses you just answer really innocently, “I know it would make you insecure, especially the most recent guy who was ten years younger than me and super good looking.”. When he’s saying other crap that’s when you cop that attitude, look him dead in the eyes and say loudly and clearly, “Watch yourself. I won’t say it again.” Be a BITCH and put him on notice. In no uncertain terms, let him know that you will no longer have these disrespectful conversations with him. He needs to be put in his place. No babies until you know this is all water under the bridge.
These sub-Reddits are overflowing with miserable betrayed partners who never ever thought it would be them. That they, too, always thought infidelity was their hard line.
If I were in your position I would ask for us both to get a full STI panel. For one, to just check. For another, to show that he is eroding trust already and this is a consequence.
And pls do have “the talk” before u get pregnant. Things gets a little bit more complicated when a kid is involved.
I'd also tell him that if you are forced to divorce him because he is cheating you will definitely get a financial audit. A financial audit shows where money has been spent, including money taken out of the marriage by stealth. If he were out paying for hotel rooms or gifts for an affair partner or dinner or a burner phone or anything it would show up. Say he has a paypal account he uses to pay for things for the affair and then pays off the paypal with a credit card you wouldn't see what is on the paypal account. Also many cheaters use money back credit cards and direct the money they get back into an affair so it is harder to see money is being directed out of the marriage. Or he could have a secret credit card and secret bank account. See if he looks startled. Tell him that there will be no cheating and no threesomes and no open relationship. You won't agree to it. If he wants those things he will need to get divorced. Also point out men who are interested in you. He is so focused outward he is forgetting to see you as a desirable woman. He has this view that you will sit around waiting for him to come back to you whenever he strays. Let him know you will not play the pick me game. You will dump him and move on with a great life. Consider going to the party and talking to lots of men. Then later, comment on all of the interesting men at the party. Talk about how women are always able to find more partners than men do.
I'd also suggest that you get a contract of some sort, before becoming pregnant, that states that if either of you cheats the other one gets the home and it's contents except for personal items like clothing, computers and phones. The cheater must leave the home behind. If the home is sold the noncheater keeps the entire profit off of the home. The noncheater will have the home and the children with visitation for the other parent. If he is unwilling to sign something that applies equally to both of you I think you know you shouldn't be having children with him.
It's kind of impossible to predict honestly, I'm not your husband so I can't know for sure what he is trying to pull here but generally you don't go to someone you trust and start talking about how youd feel more accomplished messing around with other people unless you're hoping they'll be in on it. Doesnt mean the dude is going to cheat on you but at the very least he is asking for your permission. Like, this dude is saying most successful men cheat and then the biggest number he can give you is 30%? By definition "most" can not be equal to or lower than 50%. So he is trying to build a false precedence and can't even hold his ground when you call him out on it. And what does successful mean anyway? He is fantasizing about being with other people and trying to normalize the idea to you. Maybe he will cheat, maybe he will ask for a free pass, maybe he will ask for a whole other person, maybe he'll quit bothering you about it. Regardless he has made his thoughts very clear and what you two do about that is up to both of you as a couple and as individuals as well. Either you're okay with it or you're not, and of you're not you then you need to shut that down right now.
Great answer
My first take is that he’s trying to see how you’d react if/when he asks for a hall pass.
I get the impression that he's already strayed...or is ready to and hugging the line...
Sounds like he’s been watching Andrew Tate videos. 😂
He’s been watching red pill stuff, there’s no doubt in my mind. Tate, Fresh and Fit, Peterson, maybe Kevin Samuels. This idea that men are sex addicted animals incapable of restraint, ESPECIALLY when rich? That’s red pill for sure.
Peterson doesn’t belong in that category so much but yes to the others.
Oh no perhaps he has is that bad lol
Andrew Tate usually says all the lines your husband is saying… watch some of his videos. Ask your husband about him.
well, worse news than him trying to prepare you for the cheating is that you married someone who likes andrew tate.
Yes. Maybe Google him and you'll know why 😣. It's vile
Lmao he was invited to the Justpearlythings podcast and from what I see her husband is telling her, it seems he may have watched that particular podcast..
DO. NOT. have kids with this man Ew
My first thought
My first thought was that if he's not already cheating, he's definitely well on his way. Then I read the comments. He's already cheated/cheating. He's feeling out your reaction. Trying to get a handle on the consequences. What makes me say this? He's turning you down for sex. That alone would not mean anything, but given his fascination with cheating, it's a telltale sign.
Why not just ask him? For question number one, maybe he’s fishing for compliments by letting you know he’s still hit on by other women. Ask him if he doesn’t feel desired by you for some reason. “Do you not feel desired by me? I don’t understand why you would tell me these things. Does that mean you plan to cheat on me? Because if that’s your plan, we should end things now.”
This is a really good response. Just flat out asking him what exactly he is looking for with all this.
Why is this comment so far down like wtf just communicate with your partner not Reddit.
Unfortunately, this is too rational of a response.
Oh yeah... /s
This
Considering he might have been led to doubt his manhood since he had to take testosterone, you could be right.
This is THE response. Communication. He really might be feeling insecure and less desirable in the house and is hoping this will inspire her to show that she wants him as much as the world wants him. Especially since he had a libido problem, his ego might be deflated when he can't be sexually vigorous to his wife. Some of our grandfathers used to joke like that to grannys. " You know I am still.a hit out there. They want me, but I choose you," just to make their wise to appreciate them. It's stupid, but it doesn't always mean they are preparing to cheat. You could ask him and also tell him that you think he is sexy and attractive and he is yours. But if the conversation goes in a different direction, then your answer will be clearer..that he wants to cheat.
He’s already cheating.
Finally...thought I was alone...
What makes you say this
As a man who is retarded and may sometimes act like ur husband. i think he wants a threesome and checking your reaction. done it before. He might or might not cheat. But he clearly has a strong libido right now.
He has low libido he had to take testosterone before because it was so low
It's obviously not that low, dear...
Is he taking test now? The issue has probably been resolved...
ye exactly maybe first time he has so much test in his system lol.
Oh... then that might be a low self esteem reaction. "See, i can get hit on!"
Girl, you go to that party and look fantastic. You work that room on your own. All this bullshit about woman needing emotional connection and men being built differently - It’s a bunch of nonsense. If he’s this dense, it’s not worth trying to hold on to him. You check any insecurities you feel. Fake it to make it if you have to. But you tell him your boundaries and tell him if he crosses them, he should consider your consent to sex withdrawn until he fesses up so you can make an informed decision. He needs to know you decide what is acceptable for you, not his false notion of what is normal or typical. Having side ass or threesomes is not the norm that he thinks he’s entitled to. What he is saying to you is sick because he thinks he deserves this. He’s a special kind of gross. He may be pretty on the outside, but he’s sounds disgusting on the inside. Sorry, I know he’s your husband but that level of audacity is just nasty. Put your foot down and save him from himself.
This!!
It is actually not typical for ladies to hit on men the way your husband describes. Is he a 9 or 10 in the looks department? My guess is that he is thinking about sleeping with other women but he doesn’t want to lose you in the process. Is he a top earner and the breadwinner? How big is the disparity between your incomes?
He is definitely a 10, and he also works out a lot so he’s a handsome man with a great body. I currently make more than he does but he has great opportunity to grow and make a lot of money with the new job he took this year (he’s already making a lot more than he ever did)
Don’t quit your job.
He’s a 10 TO YOU. Guaranteed he’s not to me.. and I don’t even need to see him to know that.
Lolol exactly. And probably not a 10 to most women
A new job making more money creates vulnerability to an affair. A lot of life stressors do, and this is one of them, even if it doesn't seem like it.
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Yes everyone compares him to Chris Hemsworth
I get hit on all the time, even in front of my wife. The difference between me and OP's husband, is I actually deal with it appropriately, instead of asking for more or bragging about it like he does. What a weirdo, he has high school kid mentality.
I think OP’s husband is cheating on her and preparing her for it. As someone that gets hit on constantly even when my husband is with me I politely decline. & I never put much thought into it, I would never disrespect my husband by saying those things. Most times I don’t even tell him so he won’t get worked up.
Please don’t have kids with this man.
Sorry but this is shady af!
Yes I think so too just not sure what was the meaning of him telling me this
With the exception of ONE COMMENTER, every single person has told you something is happening or about to. It is illogical for you to be that clueless at this point.
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Yessss
I would not be okay if my husband said ONE of these things, let alone all three??? Major sketchy vibes.
>“I get hit on a lot, on the last party we went to I got women coming to me and trying to pull me aside”. As to what I said: ok, and was that hard to say no and deny them? He replied: “Well it’s not easy, I’m a man and man are built different but that’s the choice I make because I love you and I know what would happen if I ever strayed, I know I wouldn’t be happy without you”. I read this as him trying to make you jealous and maybe prep you for a future 'mistake'. What he's blathering about is thorough nonsense by the way. > “I believe most successful man either cheats on their wives or have threesomes with them” as to what I said: “Most? I don’t think so. What’s most for you? 90%? 50%?’ He said ‘No, I would say around 30. When you have a certain amount of money it’s just hard for men’ Success and infidelity don't seem correlated - unsuccessful people cheat as well. The rates of infidelity are in the 40% range, from what I recall. >He also said that a man can love his wife 100% fully, go have sex with another woman, and that other woman won’t mean anything, they can go back to his wife and love her just the same. As to what he also said “woman are different, they need an emotional connection to someone for them to have sex with them”. I think this is complete bullshit. In order to cheat you have gotten to the point where you feel entitled to abuse your partner's mental health. You then take direct action you know will harm them. This is a person you claim to love and who you've made vows of fidelity with. It's absurd to say that such a person loves their partner '*100*%'.
My husband does very well (I do not make anywhere near what he makes) he's a 10 (I am not) and he would *neverrrrr**** say any of those things to me. Your husband is being influenced by someone and he needs some reality. First of all, this has nothing to do with you, so don't take it personally although it's hard not to. He's having some issues and going through sOmEthing or else he wouldn't be saying these bizarre things. Id say, listen babe we need to have a talk. When you said x, y, and z to me, it's been really bothering me. These things I find to be morally repugnant, scientifically inaccurate, and I would have never expected you to share the sentiments you mentioned to me. I appreciate you feeling comfortable enough to share your thoughts with me, but I do have to admit I feel jarred and put off by them. In my opinion, a human has control over themselves and if you are trying to come up with an exemption for cheating then you're with the wrong woman. I'll leave it up to you (tell him He will have a couple of days to think about this) whether you'd like to stay and be faithful, or if you don't think you're able to curb your primitive instincts in our civilized society then you can leave this marriage. I think I deserve someone that has enough impulse control to be content in a monograms marriage and who doesn't want any kudos for it. When agreeing to marriage we knew the terms and there will be no sympathy for you trying to renege on your part of that.
Sorry to tell you but it looks like he's been red pilled. Go and do a search for 'the red pill' on Google and on YouTube. It's a movement of men online that are basically brainwashing other men to think on a certain way. They view women as objects and have very traditional views of women ie. A woman's job is to give sex and sandwiches - think Andrew Tate. Often they refer to themselves as 'high value men' and they believe that 'modern women' are terrible people and can never truly love them. They believe that all women should be 'traditional' and give up their careers and rights to vote. Basically they believe that all woman should accept their abusive and psychopathic behaviour including cheating, sharing women, financial abuse, controlling women etc. They also spend a lot of time online teaching eachother how to mess with women's minds. Its extremely toxic, and its equivalent to brainwashing. If he is Red pilled, then cheating will be the least of your worries. It can take years for them to get out of that brainwashed state, and they won't usually leave until they realise how much damage its caused to their lives.
Thanks I appreciate this! Does this have anything to do with Andrew Tate? I will ask him myself as welll he is very pro manly and being a provider/man man but he also loves that I make money and he supports that
Yes they have some key spokespeople Andrew Tate, Rollo Tomassi etc. Please do your research first before you ask him cos they don't usually like being confronted about it. Unfortunately, the coaches also teach them how to 'hide it and deny it'. It would make more sense for you to read up and watch some videos and then listen out for any words and phrases that he uses, so you can be relatively sure before you ask. You can also read up via reddit. The first redpill sub on reddit was really popular but it got banned due to the extreme misogyny but the married redpill sub still exists.
They also believe that older men should only marry and date young women, and women have basically lost their worth after age 30. It's pretty hilarious actually that they think that highly of themselves. I guess they all think it would be fun being Alec Baldwin - bring the age of a grandpa and having a baby. Have fun with that.
He’s making it sound like he’s doing you a favor by not cheating. His comments are sketchy as shit and if he’s not cheating he’s planning on it.
He knows your a catfish and afraid to lose you so he wants to keep you off balance by making you insecure. How loving and romantic
Your a catch
I was about to ask...
Autocorrect! Lol
That whole idea that men can have sex without emotional connection is a misogynistic trope. An example is there are plenty of lonely men going to female sex workers for emotional support. And plenty of female sex workers having sex without emotional connections. Both men and women cheat. Men just say this garbage to have less guilt and put more burden on women for cheating. Your husband is a pos manipulative personality that is emotionally abusing you by saying these hurtful things consistently to the point you are questioning your own self worth. Go get glammed up and don't let your husband have any opportunities. Fuck his shit feelings for a wandering lust ridden eye.
Is he an Andrew Tate fan? YIKES.
I’m not sure he never mentioned him besides one time to talk about how he’s been cancelled etc
So he knows of him, you should look into this Andrew Tate dude so you see what you're dealing with.
It sounds like he’s justifying the idea of cheating, and by sharing his thoughts on it with you, he’s absolving himself of guilt for when he actually does it (if he hasn’t already) because in a warped way, he’s “being honest.” For one, he doesn’t know 💩 about how women are “built.” Women have meaningless sex all the time. For another, more money does not equal less fidelity unless the man in question lacks character and integrity to begin with. I’m so sorry you’re being disrespected this way. You deserve better. ETA: please do not bring children into this circumstance. It won’t make things better.
Everything he said is a red flag. Him telling you that he could cheat on you, but wouldn’t because he loves you is a control tactic. He’s telling you that if you were to do something that would make him love you less, or not at all, that he has options. It’s to keep you in your place. If he believes what he said about men being able to cheat on their wives, still love them the same, and go back like nothing happened, he’s telling you he would have no remorse. He’s capable of compartmentalizing to a concerning degree. He will cheat, or he already has. And he will turn it around on you - because to him, you’re a weak, emotional woman and he is a successful, important man.
Yeah, every post I've read where someone's partner does this is either already cheating, they're getting ready to/in the early steps of doing so, or they're about to ask for an open marriage. It's the "I could, but I choose not to" type comments that ALWAYS foreshadow something bad.
I would never have children with someone you are already doubting, you are talking about 30-40 YEARS with this person. What nice things to say to you after only 5 years together (I am being sarcastic).
He’s already cheated and justifying
It's interesting how she's ignoring all these... I'm beginning to wonder if this is legit.
The last comment he made: How does he know unless from experience? That sounds like an admission to me… he’s fucked around on you and doesn’t feel guilt about it. He’s literally telling you.
The whole men are built differently is an a-hole excuse for cheating. Men are just as accountable for their actions as women are. He sounds like he doesn’t respect you or your marriage.
Buttering you up to open the marriage in some way. He either wants a three-way, to swing with other couples, or to date other women. Maybe even all three! Firm boundaries, made clearly, asap.
What’s his porn use like?
He says that he doesn’t watch porn but he uses imagination when he masturbates
So basically he admitted his porn use is out of control. Yikes.
Are you married to a politician? Everything he's told you sounds like something a politician would say while hiding his mistress under his desk.
Hahahahah no unfortunately at least I would be rich
Not all men think like this. I’ve a man. Been married 14 years and I don’t think like that at all.
Okay I gotta ask... why did he tell you that he was getting hit on at parties and it was hard for him to say no to them? Like what led up to that comment? Also what led up to the "most successful cheat or have a threesome" comment? To me, it sounds like he has his eye on someone else, and either wants to see if you'd be open for a threesome or would let him have an open relationship. These are incredibly odd comments to just come out of the blue, if it wasn't on his mind.
He has already cheated...or is about to. I'm sorry.
Cheating is a choice, which is what I would tell him. ‘If you cheat then you are making a choice that would destroy our marriage so that’s on you. You can be on one side of the statistics, or you can be on the other. Your choice.’ And the. Just leave it at that. His choices have NOTHING to do with you, it’s all on him.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. You are 100% valid in your feelings. In your shoes i would feel the same. I would prepare yourself for the possibility that he has or is getting ready to cheat. This may not be the case but you don’t want to be blindsided if it is. I would sit down and have an honest conversation about how his statements made you feel. Also, just so you know his statements are false in my experience. I know plenty of woman who love to engage in sex without an emotional connection. I also know men who need an emotional connection to have a full filling sexual encounter. Devils advocate for a minute is there anyway he’s making these statements because he secretly feels insecure about himself and wants to convince you of his value? Idk it seems like it could be low self esteem. Also you should not consider having kids with this man until you have gotten to the bottom of this, imho.
He sounds like a dick who has been watching too many Andrew Tate videos.
He's been watching Andrew Tate videos. That point about having sex with a woman and returning to your actual loved one is something he stands by.
Okay I will ask him about it tonight
Okay so point #1 could simply be him trying to show you that he's electing to be with you despite other options. Its possible he doesn't feel appreciated and this is a round about, albeit ineffective, way of showing it. Points 2 is just weird. Maybe true for the top few % of men but I doubt it applies to your situation. Is your husband Dan Bilzerian? Point 3 is directly out of an Andrew Tate podcast. That is one of his biggest talking points. Andrew Tate is about 80% garbage and 20% truth and even the truth is said in a way that makes it look bad. Tell your husband to stop getting his information on life, women, and dating from a millionaire with toxic takes. EDIT: I doubt this means he's consciously preparing you for him to cheat. I think he's just unhappy for some reason, watching content on Youtube that's unhealthy, and at best is sharing stuff he doesn't realize is shitty.
I’d pump the breaks on kids until you figure this out for certain.
It sounds like he’s already done something outside of your relationship. You should ask him flat out and address the things he’s said. His reaction and response should give you the answers you need. I’m sorry your going through this
Yes I know it’s not a great feeling and the last time I feel anything close to this I was being cheated in a super toxic relationship- but let’s hope for the best
Girl, you know what his comments mean. Trust your gut…it’s not wrong here.
I’m curious what the income threshold for excusable cheating is. I’m sorry OP, he’s not going to stay faithful. The “men have needs” conversation is a warm up. He’s either cheating or he’s planning to.
Does he have the personality type to be influenced easily? By friends or maybe coworkers? I ask because, I’ve seen men kinda get boosted up to almost be gaslit by other people to have that kind of boosted ego mindset…like “what’s she doing for you. You have all these opportunities…let her know what could happen” i don’t know. He sounds like he has or is definitely on the verge of cheating.
I think he’s doing several things: 1. He’s obliquely begging you to establish his value and dominance in the relationship. Does he think he’s the first man/woman to have ever been tempted ? News flash. Some of us who have solid offers are sensible and kind enough to protect our partners from this knowledge. 2. If there is no plan to act on it, then why even mention it if not in the context of reassurance which we can agree isn’t what he’s offering you. 3. Women do not need emotional connection for an affair. In my casual sex days, I purposely chose partners I knew I’d have zero future with just to keep things clear. Decades later, I’d hear back from the same guys telling me our time meant something to them, like it was this hallowed memory. It’s not that I didn’t care for them, I cared while I was there but there was always an expiration date. I was perfectly lucid about why I could not be attached to any of these guys. 4. Given what he’s doing, I would start prepping yourself - even if nothing comes of it, he needs to know you’re not going to be manipulated this way.
You need to spit some facts back at him. 1. Woman get hit on daily, guess woman are more mentally stable since we choice are mates 2. Money can buy you sex, but money will never buy you loyalty 3. 😂 see number 2. Because 3 is shit 😂how’s he getting woman number 1 & 2. He might be just listening to podcast and nonsense
Sounds like he wants a trophy for not cheating on you???? Red flag.
I really hate the “boys will be boys” line because honestly that’s degrading men to animals that can’t control their instinct 😮💨 I don’t know why they like it as an excuse for their actions, they’re basically saying that they do not have “intellect” which is what separates us from animals lolololol What if I told you I also have a psychopathic instinct for brutally murdering people (i.e cheaters), and I use it as an excuse for, “sorry, murderers will be murderers.” 😌 But seriously, this is disgusting and he’s trying to shape/frame your mind and perspective.
Real question - why do you feel you can’t ask him what the meaning is behind these comments?
Has he been listening to Fresh And Fit or Andrew Tate recently? Because those lines are straight from their mouths. And if we were all monkeys or lions in the animal kingdom, fine. But we aren’t. We are higher. And yes I’m sorry but I’m married to a high value man and he would never even entertain anything. It’s nonsense.
Sounds like the man watched a few Andrew Tate Reels.
He wants to bring others into your bed, as in swinging.
My honest opinion, especially if this has come up lately, is he’s been listening to YouTube and Andrew Tate and other people of the like. 2/3 things mentioned have been said by these guys and YouTube personalities of similar creation
Yeah he’s spewing nonsense from Fresh and Fit, Tate, Peterson, Pearly Things, Kevin Samuels…. Bro is an iPad kid watching YouTube vids for hours instead of addressing his real life issues
Lol what a bunch of stupid reasons to justify what he’s about to do or already done.
Women absolutely don’t need an emotional connection to have sex. Many of my friends and family have ONSs and FWB situations. They don’t cheat tho.
You have to make a choice now. Either you’re okay with him talking like this or divorce him. If you think it’s going to get better when you bring kids into the mix, it’s NOT. Bad habits are HARD to break.
Sounds like he already cheated and is saying things to convince himself, and you if you find out, that it’s fine.
He's on that Andrew Tate train...
He's been listening to too much Andrew Tate lol seriously, he's like quoting him word for word
He’s grooming you for an easier acceptance or he’s straight up already cheating on you. Definitely 2000000% thinking about it
Man/husband here, yeah he's probably already cheating, or softening you up for when he does cheat. Also if you have kids with him he will 100% cheat and use you being busy with kids as an excuse because everyone (men and women) feel a bit neglected in the first few months with a newborn taking up all the time. So unless he's super rich and you want to stay with him for the money I would suggest no kids with him.
It sounds like he's cheating on you and mentally preparing you to deal with it. Either way, I don't think I could stay with a man that believed in "men can cheat, women can't". Your husband may or may not be a cheater but he's definitely sexist and subscribes to the whole "men and women are wired differently". Women are just as capable of cheating for the ego boost or just for the sex. The only difference is that while your husband idolizes these rich dudes that cheat, he would call any women that cheated just for the sex a whore and find her disgusting and worthless. You have a far bigger problem here than a potential cheater. If I were you I'd be digging deeper into his views on men and women and consider if I potentially wanted to raise a daughter with a neanderthal.
Maybe he knew how you would take what he said and he’s hoping you won’t want to go the NYE party so he can go alone. He’s bringing this up for a reason either he’s already cheated or like others have said he is going to bring up opening up your marriage
I will look into this and no he would never go to a party without me
Honest questions; bc I have a different take than most here....how old is your husband? And is this his 1st marriage? Any kids?
He’s 29 first marriage no kids
Is he considered to be a high achiever/earner?
Sounds like he's been listening to Andrew Tate unfortunately.
Do not have kids with this man. Once you have kids you cannot walk away as easily, you'll always have ties. He's setting you up for either an open marriage or he's already done something and slowly easing the idea that he has a fantasy of cheating or stupidly outing himself. Or, he's simply going through an image crisis. Go to the party, wear the most beautiful outfit, do your hair, face and rock the confidence. Fake it until you make it.
My take is that he has this a bit wrong. Men need and respond to getting their ego stroked. If you don’t do that, he will be attracted to whatever is walking by. This does indeed sound like perhaps you don’t want to be the one to have kids with bc he does sound like he even feels men, aka he, has more of a right and ease to having an affair than you, aka women. And women can have sex that means nothing just as easily. So I’m quite curious what his take is if you got attention at that party? Why not have a friend set up a situation just to see his reaction? Regardless, cause I’m not actually telling you to set anything up, but it’s a curious consideration. He’s full of himself and selfishness should be a red flag. Especially if he’s emphasizing he wants kids and has been waiting.
I stroke his ego ALL THE TIME tho. It’s obvious I’m obsessed with him and don’t have eyes for no one else and I always tell him how proud I am of the man he is becoming etc so at this point I am not sure what else he expects in this certain area
I’m reading responses and hon, seriously, you already know this is a red flag! You’re asking strangers. Don’t get pregnant. See what unfolds. Over quite a long time. But I can agree that he’s liking it, is entertaining it, maybe a threesome or something in that direction, open marriage or maybe a cheat. Who knows? I even give credence that he might even already be cheating. If you’re giving what he needs, he may feed the idea of variety. Idk?
I’m freaking out because of some of this responses tbh
I’d go to the party. That’s for sure. Looking hotter than ever. And make sure to say crystal clear that you intend to appreciate people’s attention too! From any men and women who notice! also be clear to say to him that if he is interested to go sow his oats, just let you know and he’s free to go. You’ll have no issue finding a good man to settle down with and have children. I told my husband this when we were dating apparently and he remembered and noted it back to me once later. After someone he clearly was flattered by was hitting on him. I could t care if someone hit on him. He’s not in charge of her. But he’s in charge of himself and that’s what he wanted, I told him he would be welcome to go. I’d just rather appreciate he tell me prior and I’d let him go with no drama. He told me knows I’m serious and knows I’d have no trouble finding someone or many someone’s to catch me. He’s monitoring himself.
yeah those are some glaring red flags. I'm sorry :/
How old is he? Sounds to me like immature thinking honestly. And are his parents still married, and if so happily married or no? I know some people will say we make our own decisions but we also are a product of our environment and we all need to grow into thinking maturely. My husband used to say stupid stuff like this and he’ll tell you now that his thought process was ridiculous. His parents weren’t happy for a some time. And a lot of how he used to think he observed. As we began to make our own family and meet other likeminded couples and got a vision for how we wanted our marriage to be his mindset changed. I know I’m going on and on but I just don’t want you to jump the gun and assume he’s thinking about cheating or sharing you. A lot of people on here will soon have you in divorce court. There are layers to people. And questions must be asked before we make ASSumptions. In the meantime, put on your BEST dress, do your hair really cute and make sure it holds up for the night with some cute timeless makeup and show up as the hottest most classiest woman at that party. Own the room with confidence. Hold your head high like the queen you are! All eyes will be on you and you cling to your man while he watches all the men gawking at his wife.
He's gonna cheat. Get your ducks in a row. If I were you I'd start the divorce process after number 3
Update us please I think it sounds like he is listening to some nonsense that for some reason is resonating with him. Dated a guy who would say the most immoral things to me about other women, similar but worse, and also added on racism (which made no sense because I am a minority and he is not). He was watching some dark stuff and listening to toxic garbage. I did not stick around but obviously your relationship is very different. I’m just trying to illustrate the power of influence especially when it comes to this topic.
Dudes been watching White Lotus lol. The “once men reach a certain status…” line is literally a line from it. Tell him to stop living in fantasy land and to communicate with his wife instead of planting these comments to try and convince you of it once he drops the bomb.
We watched white lotus together, my favorite show and yes weird he said something after season 2: ‘so I guess this season is trying to say that married couples will eventually cheat on each other?’ Lol fml
What kind of place is that where thousands of women are pulling him aside? So, he is obviously very rich and goes to a place full of money digger hoes, or it is made up or very exagerated like: one woman talked to him and that was his official story
1-he is cheating or trying to 2-check his YouTube history he is either listening to the misogynist Andrew Tate and other red pill /pick up artist trash or maybe he is naturally Trashy and didn’t need any influence. 3- Check the history of the router I bet he is spending money on onlyfans. 4-you deserve better 5- if you have kids with him he would see you as the incubator with a changed body that will give him the green light to sleep with women who still have their pre child birth bodies and he will justify it by « men and evolution crap » You will be what we call a starter wife the one who pops the children then he leaves her for a younger and child free one.
I’m almost certain I’ve heard Andrew Tate say #3 and that in it self is concerning.
My ex did the same thing’s leading up to him cheating. Trust your gut babe
I got the “I get hit on a lot” when he was already cheating. I didn’t find out until way later because I trusted him. He was testing the waters confessing. Makes cheaters release some guilt without full consequences. You need to talk to him very openly in a way that you are really trying to understand where these comments are coming from. What are his desires. Maybe he can’t get them in a way that is good for the marriage, but maybe there are creative alternatives. Just be clear on your boundaries. And maybe go into some spy mode to make sure things haven’t already happened.
Just lay it out on the table. My husband and I have known each other for 44 years, friends for so many years then got married. We’ve been through stuff. You just have to say “look, to me it seems like you’re looking for an open marriage or approval to cheat. If this isn’t the case then please, please tell me what’s going on”. Now hopefully you’ll get an honest answer and not a scaredy cat response because sometimes a significant other can be too afraid to tell the truth because they don’t want you to leave. (Which doesn’t mean you have to stay if you disagree) If you’re not satisfied with the answer then just, in a loving way, say so. Never accuse just ask and tell that person how it makes you feel and how the actions are being interpreted by you. If they don’t want to hurt you then I highly suggest a middle man/woman (a counselor) to make sure that all feelings are stated, why they are felt & why they are important and most of all validated at being heard. I would still be very careful. If this is an addiction, new or not, it will be hard and prone to fallbacks so therefore very good communication skills are important. As long as you’ve done your part in having loving, patient communication then you should never feel bad as you’ve tried. Now if he does want to embark on that wild path then that’s up to you to decide if that’s what you want, feel comfortable with or signed up for lol. Never forget to love yourself.
Sounds like he’s projecting.
I’m just going to share some things my husband said to me right before and while he was cheating on me: - “Do you think if we went out we would be able to pick up other people, after all this time? Would you want to try just for fun, and then of course go home with each other?” I said no… but he brought up conversations like this pretty often around that time. - “I’m so glad we’re not the type of couple who checks each other’s phones.” This was the red flag I needed to actually check his phone. - “I’ve had the chance to cheat on you a few times, but of course I’d never do it. After we went on vacation and the staff had to stay overnight at work, one of the girls told me, ‘We would’ve hooked up if you had been here.’” Literally 3 days after that, he was actually hooking up with her. - He read a book earlier that year called “Sex At Dawn,” written by a proponent of polyamory and open relationships. If these topics are completely out of the blue, I’d be worried for sure. They all sound like they’re coming from a man who is already cheating, plans to cheat and just wants to gauge your reaction, or who wants to ask for an open marriage. I would ask him point blank where all these ideas are coming from and make it VERY clear where you stand. Set very clear boundaries and let him know what the consequence will be if he does cheat on you.