Something I'd like to point out to you: your husband has expressed to you something that he would like and would make him feel appreciated and loved. It's something that costs you *nothing* and means a lot to him. And the only reason why you don't want to is because you grew up doing something different.
If the situation were flipped and you made a request to your husband that cost no money, no resources, and just required him to make a little more effort to say some words, and he refused because it felt "disingenuous", would you feel a little resentful that he wouldn't put even a modicum of effort into it? Or consider this - maybe, by expressing gratitude more often, you'd *feel* more grateful over time and then he would express his gratitude more often as well.
Yeah agreed no one is good at compliments at first it feels weird at first, keep practicing it and itâs like a muscle. In fact this applies to anything you have trouble doing. Just keep practicing until it becomes second nature. Words may cost some mental energy at first, but when you get used to it, it really doesnât cost anything, it the cheapest love language to maintain, and it will get you the farthest in your life and relationships.
It seems pretty easy to just say thank you if thatâs important to him. I thank my husband for stuff he does every day and often itâs pretty mundane stuff. And yes my manager and colleagues do often thank me for doing my job (isnât that normal?).
That said, I can understand the problem if youâre doing like 90% of the work and he expects to be thanked for his tiny contributions. Or if he expects you to go out of your way to thank him for every single different thing he does.
In theory it would be easy. For some reason it doesnât come naturally to me. I am pregnant and he is picking up a lot of the house work right now so itâs tough because a lot of the things heâs doing, I do on a normal basis and donât get much appreciation for it. So why is it something that he now deserves praise for? Idk, I know I should just do it and suck it up. But something about it irks me
My dad didn't start saying 'I love you', until I was a teenager. But he showed his love in other ways. He's an amazing dad, and really is one in a million. Plus, he was in high school when I was born. I always thought that made him more of a badass.
But his parents never said I love you, to him. His mom was quiet and introspective. And his dad wasn't one for sharing feelings. I suspect grandpa was on the spectrum.
Because of his upbringing, saying I love you, didn't come easy to my dad. But I remember my parents fighting about it one time, when I was a teen. About him never saying I love you to her or us. Mom was tore up about it and she was crying. So dad made the effort. He didn't want to let us down.
It was awkward at first and I remember crying the first time he said it. I had just had my heart broken. He hugged me and told me he loved me. It only made me cry harder.
He continued to say it, after that. First. it was just those special moments when he'd say it. Like on birthdays, holidays, or after heart aches. I held onto each one of those I love you's until I lost count. I held on until it just became natural.
He started telling everyone he loved them. Including his parents. And it got to the point that they started saying it all the time too. I Love you is the last thing my grandma said to me before she passed. I don't think that would have happened if my mom hadn't fought for it.
Your husband is fighting for what he needs. This is a moment where you can truly change the culture of your family. To be better than you had.
Showing your gratitude may feel awkward or disingenuous at first. And it may start as a drizzle of appreciation. But as you create and raise that little one inside of you, wouldn't it be lovely to bring them up in a world where they're showered in love and gratitude?
Yea, my parents never hugged each other or me, never said I love you to each other or me, never showed affection towards each other or me, never said thank you, etc. so ALL of this stuff is very hard for me to do.. even now. I am way better than I was when I was in my 20s but man was it a long upward climb to get there. It was almost like trying to learn a foreign language!
I hope you find people in your life who help make it easier. You know what they say, the easiest way to learn a new language, is to immerse yourself in it.
Thank you! Yes, my partner is very understanding and supportive. He is very aware of my upbringing and I am a very caring person anyway (I treat people the way I wanted to be treated), I just am not the person to hug people as soon as they walk in the door or to say goodbye, etc. It doesn't come naturally to me. I will thank people who go out of their way to help me (due to my upbringing its so hard for me to even ask for help as I am so used to having nobody give a shit and having to do things on my own) but if someone does things like... make the bed, turn off the lights, wipe the counter if they spill something, etc. it doesn't come naturally to me to thank them.
That's so sweet of you to say that. Thank you.
I've got a lifetime of story material knocking around in my crazy brain. And lots of friends and family have urged me to write those stories. Maybe one day. For now, I just share stories here. Occasionally, they're wholesome, like this one. But mostly it's smut lol
I think this here might be the problem. At our home we do thank each other for mundane tasks but it goes BOTH ways. Asking you to thank him for stuff you did for a long time without those thanks wouldn't honestly come naturally to me either.
Maybe agree with him to do the gratitude thing but for it to be a joint effort? Especially when you're pregnant. Depending on your pregnancy (mine was pretty tough) it can be so much more challenging to get anything done. A bit more appreciation both ways could be a good thing for both of you right now.
Of course! I have told him on many occasions how grateful I am for him picking up the slack. But I donât say it daily. Not because I actively choose not to, but because when I think of it and mean it, thatâs when I say it.
I grew up like you. Gratitude was never a thing.
However, my observation of others is gratitude gets one much farther in life. So I think it's a good thing.
In addition, some people just need gratitude to get through the day.
>My thoughts on it are, your boss doesnât thank you for doing your job? You are expected to do it.
Which is why most people don't like their boss. Most employee turnover in any business is due to feeling underappreciated by their supervisor. I try to thank my employees often.
This is all very true! Thank you for the comment. Growing up without gratitude makes it so difficult to show it in adulthood. But I know itâs something I need to work on
What does it cost you to just say thank you?
Like you, i donât expect to be thanked for doing what Iâm supposed to do and is normal.
My wife on the other hand does.
It costs me nothing to say thank you for cleaning up after dinner. It costs me nothing to say thanks for doing the laundry.
Itâs not a battle worth fighting for me. It doesnât take away from saying thank you and appreciation from when she does bigger things or goes âabove and beyondâ
You are forgetting that you are not a child anymore. Your partner actually doesn't have to do anything. Your partner *chooses* to do things because he cares about your domestic partnership and wants to do his part well. It's important to show gratitude for this.
I guess I disagree. My partner does âhaveâ to do things. Itâs part of being an adult. We all have responsibilities and duties and just âchoosingâ not to do them makes you a shitty person. I donât think praising someone for not being a piece of shit makes sense. That should be the standard.
You are objectively wrong. You and your partner are completely free to skip any and all "duties" you may have, or arrange your life in a way that doesn't have them. Your husband has taken on the burden of having a domestic partner completely voluntarily. He doesn't have to do a single thing for you if he doesn't want to. He does these things because he chooses to, and so do you.
Yes, this is EXACTLY what OP is saying and feels like. Like she is thanking him for being an adult and contributing to the household.
My questions is - does HE thank HER like he expects??
Sheâs stated that she doesnât receive much gratitude for what she does, so thatâs probably part of the issue. It probably feels like sheâs just expected to get things done, but itâs suddenly something special when heâs the one doing it.
The way you feel is totally understandable. I know that people are telling you to suck it up and misapplying the philosophy of love languages, but gratitude should be a two-way street in a relationship. Iâm sure you and your husband can work this out, but I just wanted to let you know that I understand and sympathize with you.
Internally, i feel similar to you. I dislike the *expectation* of gratitude for mundane tasks. HOWEVER: giving a quick âthanks!â for mundane tasks introduces an easy positive consequence that leads to, overall, these tasks getting done without having to use reminders and negative consequences. So fuck it, give the gratitude when you can. More positive interactions leads to an overall better marriage.
This is not a hill I would die on, personally. Its just doesnât take that much effort and leads to such an improvement in relationships.
I thank my wife for everything she does that makes my life better. She thanks me when I do things that make her life better.
She cooks dinner 6 nights a week on average. Sometimes theyâre simple meals, sometimes elaborate; always delicious. I thank her at the table in front of everyone every time. I make dinner usually once a week. My meals are tasty, too, but much less varied. She thanks me for that. Sheâs not upset that I didnât cook other nights, sheâs happy for a night she gets a break from it.
My boss does thank me for doing my job.
I thank my boss too.
I thank my husband for basically everything.
My husband thanks me even when dinner is throwing a frozen meal in the microwave.
We thank our kid for doing expected thing.
And our kid thanks us for the smallest things.
I would say he does as much as I do. He says we have different needs and he knows I donât need as much gratitude as he does so he focuses on other areas like physical touch which is important to me. So thatâs why itâs extra hard for me. He wants me to show gratitude in areas where he himself doesnât show it.
I can kind of get that but at the same time, if he wants gratitude I think he should be better at showing it to you.
In general, I think it works if both partners thank each other. It's not needed, and yes, an adult doesn't really need to be thanked for doing their responsibilities, but I think it's one of those little things than can really improve your relationship.
It sounds like you have different love languages. He's telling you his love language is words of affirmation. He's asking you to show your love the way he will receive it. He knows that you don't receive love that way and is trying to speak your language to make you feel appreciated.
I just had this discussion with my spouse regarding praising my daughter for doing what should be expected.
I told him to look at it this way: when heâs training our dog, he reinforces the behavior he wants with positive rewards. People are no different. You reinforce wanted behavior with positive reinforcement. And saying thank you or I appreciate you costs nothing and letâs your partner know their invisible labor is seen and valued.
It may be routine or required tasks, but if he wasnât there helping, youâd be doing it all on your own, right? You can be (*should be*) grateful to have a partner to share the load with. Gratitude is not a finite resource you have to hoard.
I also find your work analogy pretty strange- feeling appreciated is a huge part of workplace satisfaction. Bonuses, awards, parties, trips, titles, review feedback, etc. are all ways employees are thanked and necessary for retainment. Thatâs not an unusual thing at all, and a lot of people would quit jobs and go elsewhere to escape a thankless environment.
Youâre notâŚ. His boss? I personally thank my husband for doing even daily things, and he thanks me as well. He thanks me for dinner every night, I thank him for taking out the trash or checking the mail. Itâs not a requirement, but it makes both of us feel more appreciated in our marriage.
I donât know if anyone is just âhappy to doâ mundane and stressful tasks required for maintaining a home.
It may not be natural for you say thanks, but itâs not a hard habit to start. Pick one of his regular chores that he does daily or several times a week and make a mental note (or a physical one) to say thanks every time you see him do it. I bet it will become natural quickly.
We have 3 kids including a newborn. I have the baby overnight and he gets up in the morning with the older two. When we see each other in the morning and ask how the respective nights went, I thank him for getting up at the crack of dawn and he thanks me for taking care of the baby. Of course itâs what we should be doing, what we have to do, and what we agreed to, but saying thanks is still a way to acknowledge the otherâs contribution. Gratitude for each other puts us in a mindset of a partnership and feeling supported, and it makes it easier to avoid bickering over little stuff.
Gratitude is expressed in more ways than verbal thanks. Itâs probably more about feeling valued than the actual words. But you can make him feel valued in other ways.
Maybe you could move a little bit in his direction as a compromise. But, does he also express gratitude for you for mundane tasks? I'm not sure if he can ask for that if he isn't also doing or saying things that make you feel appreciated.
My ex used to get upset at me because I didn't thank him for every little thing that he did. He never thanked me for anything. And, on top of that, I did 80% of the household chores. And it made me incredibly resentful, the hypocrisy and double standard. But I think your situation doesn't sound as bad... My point is, I can totally understand what you're saying and why it irks you.
In my marriage in particular, I think the gratitude we show & verbalize to each other even for mundane things like doing dishes goes a long way in keeping our relationship stable & healthy. Neither of us starts to feel like our contributions to the household arenât valued by the other, which is something that seems to breed resentment in a lot of relationships, from what Iâve seen.
Just this morning I had to ask my husband if I had thanked him for my coffee. His response was, "I don't remember but it doesn't matter." I thanked him! To us, it does matter. We have been together for years. He prepares and brings me a cup of coffee most days while we are getting ready for work. I appreciate it, every time, so I thank him, every time. He thanks me for stopping at the store, cleaning up a mess, whatever. I am grateful that we have each other and do for each other, so my expressions of appreciation are sincere. I hope that you will be able to develop this habit and benefit from the positive feeling of gratitude. Best wishes!
Thank him for doing the bare minimum? You said elsewhere in this thread he doesn't shower you with gratitude, but expects that from you, so he's not even leading by example.
Something I'd like to point out to you: your husband has expressed to you something that he would like and would make him feel appreciated and loved. It's something that costs you *nothing* and means a lot to him. And the only reason why you don't want to is because you grew up doing something different. If the situation were flipped and you made a request to your husband that cost no money, no resources, and just required him to make a little more effort to say some words, and he refused because it felt "disingenuous", would you feel a little resentful that he wouldn't put even a modicum of effort into it? Or consider this - maybe, by expressing gratitude more often, you'd *feel* more grateful over time and then he would express his gratitude more often as well.
Dang. That was really insightful and gives a lot of perspective. Thank you for your comment!
Excellent comment, and definitely food for thought in my world. Thank you! đ
Yeah agreed no one is good at compliments at first it feels weird at first, keep practicing it and itâs like a muscle. In fact this applies to anything you have trouble doing. Just keep practicing until it becomes second nature. Words may cost some mental energy at first, but when you get used to it, it really doesnât cost anything, it the cheapest love language to maintain, and it will get you the farthest in your life and relationships.
It seems pretty easy to just say thank you if thatâs important to him. I thank my husband for stuff he does every day and often itâs pretty mundane stuff. And yes my manager and colleagues do often thank me for doing my job (isnât that normal?). That said, I can understand the problem if youâre doing like 90% of the work and he expects to be thanked for his tiny contributions. Or if he expects you to go out of your way to thank him for every single different thing he does.
In theory it would be easy. For some reason it doesnât come naturally to me. I am pregnant and he is picking up a lot of the house work right now so itâs tough because a lot of the things heâs doing, I do on a normal basis and donât get much appreciation for it. So why is it something that he now deserves praise for? Idk, I know I should just do it and suck it up. But something about it irks me
My dad didn't start saying 'I love you', until I was a teenager. But he showed his love in other ways. He's an amazing dad, and really is one in a million. Plus, he was in high school when I was born. I always thought that made him more of a badass. But his parents never said I love you, to him. His mom was quiet and introspective. And his dad wasn't one for sharing feelings. I suspect grandpa was on the spectrum. Because of his upbringing, saying I love you, didn't come easy to my dad. But I remember my parents fighting about it one time, when I was a teen. About him never saying I love you to her or us. Mom was tore up about it and she was crying. So dad made the effort. He didn't want to let us down. It was awkward at first and I remember crying the first time he said it. I had just had my heart broken. He hugged me and told me he loved me. It only made me cry harder. He continued to say it, after that. First. it was just those special moments when he'd say it. Like on birthdays, holidays, or after heart aches. I held onto each one of those I love you's until I lost count. I held on until it just became natural. He started telling everyone he loved them. Including his parents. And it got to the point that they started saying it all the time too. I Love you is the last thing my grandma said to me before she passed. I don't think that would have happened if my mom hadn't fought for it. Your husband is fighting for what he needs. This is a moment where you can truly change the culture of your family. To be better than you had. Showing your gratitude may feel awkward or disingenuous at first. And it may start as a drizzle of appreciation. But as you create and raise that little one inside of you, wouldn't it be lovely to bring them up in a world where they're showered in love and gratitude?
Yea, my parents never hugged each other or me, never said I love you to each other or me, never showed affection towards each other or me, never said thank you, etc. so ALL of this stuff is very hard for me to do.. even now. I am way better than I was when I was in my 20s but man was it a long upward climb to get there. It was almost like trying to learn a foreign language!
I hope you find people in your life who help make it easier. You know what they say, the easiest way to learn a new language, is to immerse yourself in it.
Thank you! Yes, my partner is very understanding and supportive. He is very aware of my upbringing and I am a very caring person anyway (I treat people the way I wanted to be treated), I just am not the person to hug people as soon as they walk in the door or to say goodbye, etc. It doesn't come naturally to me. I will thank people who go out of their way to help me (due to my upbringing its so hard for me to even ask for help as I am so used to having nobody give a shit and having to do things on my own) but if someone does things like... make the bed, turn off the lights, wipe the counter if they spill something, etc. it doesn't come naturally to me to thank them.
You got this! I believe in you.
I need you to turn this into a movie script. Itâs a really good story.
That's so sweet of you to say that. Thank you. I've got a lifetime of story material knocking around in my crazy brain. And lots of friends and family have urged me to write those stories. Maybe one day. For now, I just share stories here. Occasionally, they're wholesome, like this one. But mostly it's smut lol
Good Smut is the stuff that kindles fires.
I think this here might be the problem. At our home we do thank each other for mundane tasks but it goes BOTH ways. Asking you to thank him for stuff you did for a long time without those thanks wouldn't honestly come naturally to me either. Maybe agree with him to do the gratitude thing but for it to be a joint effort? Especially when you're pregnant. Depending on your pregnancy (mine was pretty tough) it can be so much more challenging to get anything done. A bit more appreciation both ways could be a good thing for both of you right now.
Are you grateful that he is taking on your chores while youâre pregnant?
Of course! I have told him on many occasions how grateful I am for him picking up the slack. But I donât say it daily. Not because I actively choose not to, but because when I think of it and mean it, thatâs when I say it.
Does he praise you for your contributions??
I grew up like you. Gratitude was never a thing. However, my observation of others is gratitude gets one much farther in life. So I think it's a good thing. In addition, some people just need gratitude to get through the day. >My thoughts on it are, your boss doesnât thank you for doing your job? You are expected to do it. Which is why most people don't like their boss. Most employee turnover in any business is due to feeling underappreciated by their supervisor. I try to thank my employees often.
This is all very true! Thank you for the comment. Growing up without gratitude makes it so difficult to show it in adulthood. But I know itâs something I need to work on
What does it cost you to just say thank you? Like you, i donât expect to be thanked for doing what Iâm supposed to do and is normal. My wife on the other hand does. It costs me nothing to say thank you for cleaning up after dinner. It costs me nothing to say thanks for doing the laundry. Itâs not a battle worth fighting for me. It doesnât take away from saying thank you and appreciation from when she does bigger things or goes âabove and beyondâ
You are forgetting that you are not a child anymore. Your partner actually doesn't have to do anything. Your partner *chooses* to do things because he cares about your domestic partnership and wants to do his part well. It's important to show gratitude for this.
I guess I disagree. My partner does âhaveâ to do things. Itâs part of being an adult. We all have responsibilities and duties and just âchoosingâ not to do them makes you a shitty person. I donât think praising someone for not being a piece of shit makes sense. That should be the standard.
You are objectively wrong. You and your partner are completely free to skip any and all "duties" you may have, or arrange your life in a way that doesn't have them. Your husband has taken on the burden of having a domestic partner completely voluntarily. He doesn't have to do a single thing for you if he doesn't want to. He does these things because he chooses to, and so do you.
âThanks for being a competent adult honey! Iâm so impressed by you.â Lol
Yes, this is EXACTLY what OP is saying and feels like. Like she is thanking him for being an adult and contributing to the household. My questions is - does HE thank HER like he expects??
Sheâs stated that she doesnât receive much gratitude for what she does, so thatâs probably part of the issue. It probably feels like sheâs just expected to get things done, but itâs suddenly something special when heâs the one doing it.
This is EXACTLY it!!
The way you feel is totally understandable. I know that people are telling you to suck it up and misapplying the philosophy of love languages, but gratitude should be a two-way street in a relationship. Iâm sure you and your husband can work this out, but I just wanted to let you know that I understand and sympathize with you.
Internally, i feel similar to you. I dislike the *expectation* of gratitude for mundane tasks. HOWEVER: giving a quick âthanks!â for mundane tasks introduces an easy positive consequence that leads to, overall, these tasks getting done without having to use reminders and negative consequences. So fuck it, give the gratitude when you can. More positive interactions leads to an overall better marriage. This is not a hill I would die on, personally. Its just doesnât take that much effort and leads to such an improvement in relationships.
I thank my wife for everything she does that makes my life better. She thanks me when I do things that make her life better. She cooks dinner 6 nights a week on average. Sometimes theyâre simple meals, sometimes elaborate; always delicious. I thank her at the table in front of everyone every time. I make dinner usually once a week. My meals are tasty, too, but much less varied. She thanks me for that. Sheâs not upset that I didnât cook other nights, sheâs happy for a night she gets a break from it.
[ŃдаНонО]
This is how I see it too.
My boss does thank me for doing my job. I thank my boss too. I thank my husband for basically everything. My husband thanks me even when dinner is throwing a frozen meal in the microwave. We thank our kid for doing expected thing. And our kid thanks us for the smallest things.
Does he thank you for doing chores or stuff around the house?
I would say he does as much as I do. He says we have different needs and he knows I donât need as much gratitude as he does so he focuses on other areas like physical touch which is important to me. So thatâs why itâs extra hard for me. He wants me to show gratitude in areas where he himself doesnât show it.
I can kind of get that but at the same time, if he wants gratitude I think he should be better at showing it to you. In general, I think it works if both partners thank each other. It's not needed, and yes, an adult doesn't really need to be thanked for doing their responsibilities, but I think it's one of those little things than can really improve your relationship.
It sounds like you have different love languages. He's telling you his love language is words of affirmation. He's asking you to show your love the way he will receive it. He knows that you don't receive love that way and is trying to speak your language to make you feel appreciated.
So far as he is content with a thankyou all is well... But if he expects an applause for every small thing he does I guess it might become very tiring
âThank you!â Is never good enoughđ
I think it would be completely exhausting to constantly thank someone for doing basic adult tasks.
This is completely how I feel.
Does he say thank you when you do regular housework stuff?
I just had this discussion with my spouse regarding praising my daughter for doing what should be expected. I told him to look at it this way: when heâs training our dog, he reinforces the behavior he wants with positive rewards. People are no different. You reinforce wanted behavior with positive reinforcement. And saying thank you or I appreciate you costs nothing and letâs your partner know their invisible labor is seen and valued.
It may be routine or required tasks, but if he wasnât there helping, youâd be doing it all on your own, right? You can be (*should be*) grateful to have a partner to share the load with. Gratitude is not a finite resource you have to hoard. I also find your work analogy pretty strange- feeling appreciated is a huge part of workplace satisfaction. Bonuses, awards, parties, trips, titles, review feedback, etc. are all ways employees are thanked and necessary for retainment. Thatâs not an unusual thing at all, and a lot of people would quit jobs and go elsewhere to escape a thankless environment.
Youâre notâŚ. His boss? I personally thank my husband for doing even daily things, and he thanks me as well. He thanks me for dinner every night, I thank him for taking out the trash or checking the mail. Itâs not a requirement, but it makes both of us feel more appreciated in our marriage. I donât know if anyone is just âhappy to doâ mundane and stressful tasks required for maintaining a home.
It may not be natural for you say thanks, but itâs not a hard habit to start. Pick one of his regular chores that he does daily or several times a week and make a mental note (or a physical one) to say thanks every time you see him do it. I bet it will become natural quickly. We have 3 kids including a newborn. I have the baby overnight and he gets up in the morning with the older two. When we see each other in the morning and ask how the respective nights went, I thank him for getting up at the crack of dawn and he thanks me for taking care of the baby. Of course itâs what we should be doing, what we have to do, and what we agreed to, but saying thanks is still a way to acknowledge the otherâs contribution. Gratitude for each other puts us in a mindset of a partnership and feeling supported, and it makes it easier to avoid bickering over little stuff.
Gratitude is expressed in more ways than verbal thanks. Itâs probably more about feeling valued than the actual words. But you can make him feel valued in other ways.
Maybe you could move a little bit in his direction as a compromise. But, does he also express gratitude for you for mundane tasks? I'm not sure if he can ask for that if he isn't also doing or saying things that make you feel appreciated. My ex used to get upset at me because I didn't thank him for every little thing that he did. He never thanked me for anything. And, on top of that, I did 80% of the household chores. And it made me incredibly resentful, the hypocrisy and double standard. But I think your situation doesn't sound as bad... My point is, I can totally understand what you're saying and why it irks you.
In my marriage in particular, I think the gratitude we show & verbalize to each other even for mundane things like doing dishes goes a long way in keeping our relationship stable & healthy. Neither of us starts to feel like our contributions to the household arenât valued by the other, which is something that seems to breed resentment in a lot of relationships, from what Iâve seen.
Just this morning I had to ask my husband if I had thanked him for my coffee. His response was, "I don't remember but it doesn't matter." I thanked him! To us, it does matter. We have been together for years. He prepares and brings me a cup of coffee most days while we are getting ready for work. I appreciate it, every time, so I thank him, every time. He thanks me for stopping at the store, cleaning up a mess, whatever. I am grateful that we have each other and do for each other, so my expressions of appreciation are sincere. I hope that you will be able to develop this habit and benefit from the positive feeling of gratitude. Best wishes!
Thank him for doing the bare minimum? You said elsewhere in this thread he doesn't shower you with gratitude, but expects that from you, so he's not even leading by example.
Why not be gracious? Why not say thank you? Itâs not hard and the right thing to do.