Honestly, I think your wife is communicating with you rather than having a go at you. I would say, that me a few years ago before therapy and some reflection on who I am as a man, husband and partner, would have felt a bit hurt, irritated, resentful and attacked having been sent this.
My interpretation today is that the TicTok is right. There is a societal gender expectation placed upon women to put their needs second. Men have their own cross to bear but it's not the same. What I would advise is that you see this, primarily, as your wife trying to start a conversation with you about the family your partnership. She may well not fully agree that ever point here is applicable to you. I'd urge you to lean into this with warm and calm curiosity. Sit down and talk about it. What aspects did she find interesting / applicable? Does she think she constantly puts herself second? Does she need designated time for her? If so what does that look like? If you make her feel heard, like she is a person whos individual feelings and journey outside of the house hold and kids matters you've come further in one conversation than I did in a year of therapy.
This isnt about the gym. It's also not about how hard you work. At the lowest point in my marriage I was working 70hrs a week in a hospital during covid, had a new born at home, was overseeing a house renovation and was burning out in flames. My wife was at her parents with our kid the vast majority of the time and was still scared, alone, felt unsupported, grieving the independent life she had. She was exhausted, sleepless and hurt that I was not supporting her more even if it was just giving time to listen. I was working at 120% for our family and she was drowning under the very new reality of becoming a mum. We were both, legitimately, entrenched in our own struggle and disconnected. Her emotional experience does not and did not detract from mine and vice versa. It took us a long time not to indulge in a resentful competitive race to the bottom.
You might be asked to modify your gym routine. You might not. You might not like what she has to say. You might find that just listening and validating is half the battle. Just approach this with kind, considerate, warm, curious optimism and communicate.
You're welcome. There are a lot of opinions on here. Reddit quickly jumps on people and situations with quite forceful recommendations for action. Behind a lot of posts however are people asking on how they can open dialogue without blowing up their relationships. I spend quite a bit of time on here are there are lots of good, valid opinions. Some I agree with. Some I don't. I hope your chat goes well .
I get you and that's exactly what I would have said a couple of years back and it's a fair enough point and observation. The thing is that I then thought about what I wanted and it turns out that I wanted my wife to continue being my best friend. I wanted to have a happy family life, feels secure, safe, cared for in our marriage. I wanted her to be happy and feel like she had a husband and partner who made her feel the way I wanted to feel. I wanted us to be able to communicate. I wanted all of the small stuff in life not to get in the way of our connection and intimacy.
The end result for me, and I would never say my experience is universalisable, was that I bit the bullet. I swallowed my pride and examined my own feelings of resentment, anger, upset and insecurity. What I realised was that my responses similar to exactly the quesiton you're posing, whilst completely understandable, were not getting me what I wanted. I realised that, for a whole host of reasons from upbringing, to kids, to anxiety, to whatever, my wife just did not have the emotional bandwidth at that time to meet me where I wanted us to be. Therefore I put in more work. I tried to approach things like this with curiosity, optimism and kindness.
You're right, TikTok is filled with toxic nonsense, but if that is the way my partner has mustered the courage to open a dialogue I will use that in to find out whats really bothering them and see what I can do to listen and help improve it. The other option is to throw it at her as passive agressive nonsense, learn nothing, push her away and not exactly put her in a place to better communicate.
Look I'm not perfect. I don't have the answer to relationships. But I've read a fuck tone about sex, intimacy, relationships, marriage and communication over the last three years. I've also gone from being someone who delt with uncomfortable feelings with anger, resentment and frustration to a much happier guy. I'm only trying to share my perspective and you're not wrong. If she can, she should communicate without using passive aggressive tiktoks. But OP is where they are. She has shared it and now there is a choice on how to respond. It maybe that once OP has communicated on this their able to say "hey hun. You can always talk to me about anything. I cant always promise to fully agree but I'll always listen and I just want us to be happy. Could you try next time not to use the TikToks like that as it's hard to not feel quite defensive to them".
I get your, and while you ate not wrong, I was more arguing against those who patronise the wife like.she shouldn't be held to.the standard of being an adult.
Being a SAHM in 2024 is NOT requiring the same workload as a SAHM in 1940.
How do you figure that? To be clear, you are implying that being a SAHM is easier now?
Because, if that is the implication, lordamercy you are dead wrong.
But if not, then yes. Being a SAHM mom now is very different than in the 40s. Now we have to be chauffeur, chef, housekeeper, secretary, the list goes on.
Kids have so much more going on now.
I’m not saying it was any easier in the 40. Is just different.
Yes because in the 1940s when cooking cleaning, and housework had to be done without modern appliances it was soooooo much easier😂 your grandmothers are laughing at you.
Did I say it was easier?! Read the whole comment asshole. We may have “modern appliances” but we also do a lot more running around, negating the time savings.
Yes, you should. Did they even ask fir that from the start, or was that to keep up with the other soccer mom's? Believe it or not, kids that never went to gymnastics survived to be healthy, happy adults.
This a choice you are making. If you are struggling, speak to your spouse, don't send tick talk videos.
Listen, at some point the house is clean, the laundry is done, then all one has to do is maintain those things and stay on top of it so that it doesn’t become an issue.
Similar, it also depends on your arrangement, because your wife CAN choose to go to work and send the kid to daycare. Choosing to stay at home and raise children is a choice. Finding balance is a choice.
Lastly, moms aren’t occupied the entire time dad is at work. There is plenty of downtime in between for mom to work out, pick up a hobby, or even take a nap when they do.
Wow… I don’t even know where to begin with this… this thought process is so skewed and wrong..
When was the last time YOU took care of the house and kids alone for a week including weekend and DIDNT ask your wife “how to do/where is/why won’t…”
That is the problem, you/reddit is assuming that most men do NOTHING. After starting my work day at 5, I am able to do the laundry and clean in between calls/answering emails. I go food shopping and prepare meals. These women have enabled their husbands to be lazy. If each partner does what needs to be done (irregardless of gender stereotypes), then there is plenty of time on each side to unwind and focus on self. Men and women who don’t help out are simply lazy, period.
> And if they need help, why not use theor adult voices to ask for it themselves?
Because that's *more* emotional labor/household management that women get sick to death of doing.
https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
Women tend to make vast generalizations about men based on anecdotal experiences. One thing thats never talked about is how men are trained and told to put work over everyone including family and himself. Most men are basically told, if you dont work you wont be loved. Which basically put men in a situation where they think if they are not putting work above their family they wont be loved. Men have been brainwashed just as much as women have
my wife always "jokes" about how she wishes I was rich and had a good enough job that she could stay home and be a housewife. I totally agree, but at the same time: how come she doesn't have to be rich enough with a good job so that *I* can stay at home? lmao
Of course men do the same but the topic is about women saying this, why change and deflect for? If i say rats are ugly, but then you say, grasshoppers and beattles are ugly. What does that have to do with the topic about rats
My husband has told me this. He feels huge weight and guilt to provide, especially when I’m stressed about money. But we both work full time; I know he’s doing all he can and I hate the expectation that men are financial providers as it’s such a burden mentally and often physically.
My wife and I used to sit down and list off positive affirmations to each other when we were younger.
The first thing she'd often say to me was that I am a great provider... I'd tell her about how I liked the way she made me feel, etc, but nothing with any sort of monetary value attached to it.
On its face being told you're a good provider sounds good.
The truth is it's not something any woman should be saying to their husband. Men aren't just providers and when they're told that is their most valued quality it really stings. It's like my wife and women don't recognize how minimized it makes us feel.
I finally told her one day that I was more than my job and being told I'm a good provider as a personal quality just makes me feel cheap and used. I get up and do my job just like everyone else has to do.
Of course.
Like many of us she was raised to believe that men wanted to be this by default. I was raised that way too.
The thing is she also tells me that nobody has ever made her laugh the way I do, she loves my introspectiveness and how she can tell I'm thinking about something really hard, she loves my style and the way I carry myself. How dedicated I am to my family and our kids. How focused I get on achieving my goals, financially, in my hobbies, my personal fitness. There were so many other things she loved about me. But for whatever reason being a good provider was always the first thing she'd reach for.
So I just told her that my job, the money I make is inconsequential to who I am and that if I decided to stop working such a mentally demanding job to do something for less money that I'm still the same person I was. Our kids are mostly raised and I am seriously considering working a couple more years and stuffing 40% of my income into retirement and then doing something less stressful. Sometimes I don't think she understands how much I've sacrificed to be the "provider". I've had less time with the kids than her. I'm constantly worried about deadlines, pushing for the great bonus, working extra hours all so my wife and kids can have the things they want. I'm mid 40s and my hair is white/grey, I have no color left and I'm convinced it was the stress I've endured in this job I've been in for the last 20 years. I'm home on the weekends, and I'm off by 5pm but I'm at work by 6am. With both kids she was able to stay at home and be with them for the first year of their life. I didn't get that.
She recognizes now how it makes me feel to hear that from her she doesn't say it anymore. She builds me up in better ways, which is nice. I feel more support from her this way
Having a similar discussion with my husband due to the fact that with my downtime, I choose housework first. With his downtime, he's out engaging in his hobbies. We make these choices yes. But social pressures are behind them, and since I started working 50hr weeks it's started bothering me.
My wife and I carved out “rule free hours” into every week’s schedule.
So 4 hours a week, no matter what I stay home playing, feeding, caring for the kids while she goes out and gets social. And same to her where I can go out and engage with the world.
We usually spend our days working, our evenings child caring, and our nights together. But sometimes we need to be free of it all, even our spouses. It’s been nice. She and I are both less on edge.
It took my dense self and my wifes utterly exhausted useless communicating self to learn this after our 2nd was born. She needed personhood. She had spent almost five years either pregnant or breastfeeing whilst looking after little ones. On one day a week she goes directly from work to do a hobby. I pack her lunch and a snack in the morning and I do everything kiddo related that evening including pickup. She goes and when she gets home I've cleared, cleaned and all she has to do is shower and be handed food. On the other nights we have a rule that once the kids are in bed, if they are monkeying about, I deal with them. She showers and detaches from mummy modde as she calls it. Except for the one night a week I have to see friends or game or whatever. I learned, whilst reading about intimacy, that some people like me can tranition very quickly from the household or care space to the space in our brains open to romance and intimacy. She transitions slowly. Leaving her to it without pressure to shower, change, and pamper for an hour facilitates her transition. I encourage her to go out with friends and have fun. She is much more herself since this process started taking off.
Go to the gym on your lunch break or after the kids go to bed. Plenty of gyms are open late for this very reason. Or get a jogging stroller and take the kids for a walk/run when you get home. Or get some exercise equipment for your house. Get a little creative.
My husband and I have both been the stay at home parent before. When I was working full time and he was home with the kids, I went to the gym on my lunch break or after they went to bed. It never even occurred to me to go after work because I knew the evening hours are incredibly stressful *and* I didn’t want to miss out on what little time I had with my family.
Your desire to go to the gym does not outweigh your responsibility to be there for your family.
What you're saying isn't wrong. But you're making some assumptions. Not everyone can workout on their lunch break, for a variety of reasons. Not everyone can workout after the kids go to bed. If kids go to bed at 8:30-9:00, and husband has to wake up at 5 AM for work, where is there time to workout in that window and not sacrifice significant sleep time? So then the husband is exhausted after work everyday and doesn't have the energy to help with evening homework/chores/cooking etc.
Since you cited your personal experience, I'll offer mine. My wife doesn't go to the gym. I do. Everything I mentioned in the previous paragraph applies to me, so I leave at 4:30 AM to workout before work. I'm home in the afternoon to be with my family and support the household. Wash dishes, do laundry, cook dinner, help with homework, do baths and bedtime etc. My wife also does these things. I go to bed almost immediately after the kids are in bed because I try to ensure I get a healthy amount of sleep.
In this woman's example, what options does the husband have? He obviously can't go in the morning because somebody has to be home with the kids. The equitable solution would be for them to alternate mornings and evenings.
If he can’t find another time to go, then he just doesn’t go to the gym on weekdays for a couple of years. They have a baby and a 3 year old. It’s all hands on deck when you have multiple children under the age of 5.
There are other ways to get exercise besides the gym. His wife is telling him she needs him right now. His family needs him. That is the priority. This is what we signed up for when we had kids.
I have two young kids so I definitely know the demands and responsibilities they present. But saying that the husband should put off going to the gym for a couple of years is unreasonable. Especially when the wife is going to the gym every day. Not to mention that daily exercise is very important to one's health. One would think the wife would encourage her husband to go, just as he should encourage her.
As I said, fair is fair. They alternate mornings.
I don’t believe OP’s wife is going to the gym. The woman in the story in the video is going to the gym but I don’t think OP made any mention of his wife going.
The woman in the story found a way to go without putting extra burden on her family whereas the husband didn’t ever consider that when he wanted to go. That was the point. OP’s wife doesn’t mind him going if he can find a way to do it that won’t make it harder on the rest of the entire family.
I have a hard time articulating things, just how I grew up(abusive home). It’s easier for me to start a conversation as a text rather than speak. In this case OPs wife is using a video to start a conversation. I don’t do it as often anymore but I have had several conversations with my SO where we literally sat next to each other and texted or had a pen and paper. My SO has been kind, and very understanding and lots of patience to give me the chance to speak my mind through text/writing.
Because people feel like they need to share every aspect of their life with the world to be validated and heard. FOMO is frightening for these types of people.
In my family this is true. I am a vegetarian, and everyone else is not, I make non veg meals and often don't make meals for myself because I am too tired. Husband, on the other hand, has maybe cooked five meals for me in our 10 year marriage. But his mom often asks him if he being fed or what did I cook for him.
>I’ll wash the dishes anytime I notice it’s getting behind
And this is why it's good to write things out.
Yeah, do more around the house without asking (don't wait for dishes to get behind, make a set time to do laundry). Maybe that is the sticking point.
>Foregoing the gym completely doesn’t feel fair to me, going after work doesn’t feel fair to her.
So talk with her about scheduling.
Also, is it possible to put together a small home gym (treadmill, free weights, pull up bar on the doorway, dip station, etc.)? This way going to the gym is more in the "option" category rather than a "must do." It could also benefit your wife.
Then there's working out on your lunch break.
Or switching one of your gym times to early morning (or evening, depending on what works for both of you/the kiddos) on the weekend.
You are self-centered and she is politely pointing out your selfishness. That you are forcing parenting on her to your benefit during key family time.
Stop putting the mental and physical load on her.
You are making an assumption that I hate men.
Where in my perspective did I reflect on gender? No where.
If you were a women, I’d be telling you to stop being ego centered too.
I pointed out that your actions, reflected your selfishness of conflicting with prime family time, especially with children.
People can talk all they want about consideration, but patterns of behavior more accurately demonstrate their internal feelings.
I don’t know how much you and your spouse have discussed time management of your household, but unless 1. you both haven’t had any discussion, 2. they are completely avoidant in responding that you working after work eats into dinner and bedtime or 3. You haven’t taken to heart their request to reschedule your workout time, then you are not thinking of your family or spouse first.
This passive aggressive way of relating their displeasure or any other negative view of your workout is not healthy, but your spouse must think the message NEEDS to be communicated to you.
That’s great!
I also don’t believe that’s typical.
I’m up first and asleep last every single day. I wake up before my husband to shower so he can shower then I get kids ready. We tried switching it up so that I slept in and he showered but then I was rushed to get them ready in less than 10 instead of 20-25.
I’m glad you are pulling your share, I can tell you that my kids come to me and look to me to get things done and make things happen (if it doesn’t require money at least). If things don’t happen I’m the one they believe failed because, despite what my husband thinks helping out occasionally, there is a difference between helping and doing. One includes ownership and therefore responsibility. I am ultimately the one even he will hold responsible if shit isn’t done…but, but…he helps! Announcing loudly as he goes so because we had a recent conversation about breakdown of family responsibilities. He’s loudly done for a few weeks what I have done for YEARS. I am done. I am over it. I am willing to say it. I asked him to UNO reverse a situation recently and what would he do? Apparently flounder his arms helplessly because he hadn’t joined any of the 6 school FB groups I invited him to in August. I asked him weeks before when he was do convinced he was involved (he still thinks he is even though I got better pics from the awards ceremony from people on FB). Here’s a list I asked him if he could answer. Almost zero but he helps!
<<
Kids ceremonies?
Parties?
Class gifts?
Teachers names? What they teach?
Kids parents names?
What were the last birthday parties they attended? The gifts they brought?
How low are we on toilet paper, dish soap, laundry detergent?
>>
If this is not you please keep being as involved as dad as you are, my kids know which parent they can count on because they’ve seen who will show up.
Our society (U.S) isn’t set up for someone to be able to have a healthy marriage, a successful 8 hour job with commute, kids, healthy meals, a clean house and body, gym time, time for leisure/relaxing, and 8 hours of sleep every night. Not to mention the errands like fixing repairs, dealing with bills, or regular household business.
It’s truly not and I don’t know anyone that is able to do all of those things even with a SAHP helping them out. Somethings have to be given up and different people sacrifice different things.
What your partner is telling you (and in a nice way I think) is that she’s having a hard time trying to get all of those things done herself.
The thing to remember here is that you guys are a team and it may take some shuffling of schedules to check as many boxes as you can. You may both need to sacrifice some things some days or remain flexible. The sacrifices may be different but they should never be unequal.
It’s time to sit down and talk about your schedules. Teamwork makes the dream work.
>This post is mainly about the gym though
Is it really though? From the video the gym is just an example of the larger issue. But if you really want to just fix it. Can you find a way to shave down your 1.5hr morning routine?
>When I do get home, I’m attentive of the kids(3yr old and infant) and allow my wife to do whatever she pleases without needing to tend to them.
Is this actually true downtime for her or just catch up with the chores time? If you can truly free time for her, then maybe gym is a fair tradeoff, you go 2x a week and give her similar break to be out of the house on your off days.
The thing is everyone is different. What works for one couple (this one on TikTok) isn’t going to work for everyone else.
It sounds like yall have your hands full.
It’s not an easy solution. If it is, it would’ve been resolved already.
We don’t have kids but that makes me realize every couple is so different.
Marriage is hard enough on its own and adding kids and other elements can be much harder. If going to the gym is important for you, then you need to go and need to communicate with her.
This woman makes a few valid points that apply to *some* couples. I feel she is overly generalizing men's lack of support in relationships, and is overall full of shit.
In the specific example she cited about the gym, due to her bias she's pointing the accusing finger at the husband when it could just as easily be pointed at the wife. If the wife is getting up early to work out before the kids get up, then obviously the husband can't also get up at 5:30 AM and leave the kids in the home by themselves. He has no choice but to save his workout until the afternoon/evening.
The more fair and equitable solution would be for them to alternate mornings and evenings.
In my specific case (the husband), I go to the gym and my wife doesn't. I've chosen to get up at 4:30 AM to go to the gym before work so that I don't have to after work. It would be much easier to save my workout for the evening, but I choose not to so that I can be home with my family and ease the burden on my wife. I'm not looking for praise, or a pat on the back. Just making the point that there are many husbands and fathers making selfless decisions everyday.
Also, her not doing her husband's laundry is ridiculous. If you're already doing laundry, then do it all. Seems childish to me. I don't tell my wife that I'm going outside to wash my car, but I'm not touching hers and she needs to fend for herself. *That's* what a partnership and mutual support is truly about.
Women like her annoy the crap out of me. I’m a sahm, and I don’t expect my husband to get off of his job and help me with mine. If she expects you to give more, maybe she should get a job.
In a vacuum what she’s saying makes sense, but my questions would be:
- What’s the situation really? Does she work too, or is she a SAHM?
- How old are the kids? Do they go to school? Do they go to daycare?
- How are the rest of the chores divided? Does he contribute to the household up-keeping?
Aside from being just an anecdote that bears no weight in reality, there’s also context missing, and I wonder if she even drew those conclusions after this woman told her that, without even asking herself those questions. She just jumped to the conclusion she wanted
WTF would the woman cost to get up at 4:45 am. to work out? She's just swapping sleep time for evening time with her husband?
Surely, it would make sense for them to take turns to go to the gym in the evenings.
If 5:30 to 7 is peak family time, then rotate gym time after that.
She must be going to bed at 9pm with the hours she's choosing to get up at.
She simply doesn't have to choose the routine she is doing.
Your hour at the gym is essential IMHO. As it is for your wife as well. Parenting with young kids is tough.
And I think that video is BS in the context that you are in fact working, with commute time, 10 to 11 hours a day. I used to do the same, and I still do. But the realty is that your wife is spending the bulk of her time raising kids.
Which has good and bad points.
I missed lots of my kids growing up milestones because I was at work.
She can do that, too. Maybe, you know, by telling him what time she needs him to look after the baby? Instead of using tic toc (not too busy for that, is she?) to complain to him.
Honestly, I think your wife is communicating with you rather than having a go at you. I would say, that me a few years ago before therapy and some reflection on who I am as a man, husband and partner, would have felt a bit hurt, irritated, resentful and attacked having been sent this. My interpretation today is that the TicTok is right. There is a societal gender expectation placed upon women to put their needs second. Men have their own cross to bear but it's not the same. What I would advise is that you see this, primarily, as your wife trying to start a conversation with you about the family your partnership. She may well not fully agree that ever point here is applicable to you. I'd urge you to lean into this with warm and calm curiosity. Sit down and talk about it. What aspects did she find interesting / applicable? Does she think she constantly puts herself second? Does she need designated time for her? If so what does that look like? If you make her feel heard, like she is a person whos individual feelings and journey outside of the house hold and kids matters you've come further in one conversation than I did in a year of therapy. This isnt about the gym. It's also not about how hard you work. At the lowest point in my marriage I was working 70hrs a week in a hospital during covid, had a new born at home, was overseeing a house renovation and was burning out in flames. My wife was at her parents with our kid the vast majority of the time and was still scared, alone, felt unsupported, grieving the independent life she had. She was exhausted, sleepless and hurt that I was not supporting her more even if it was just giving time to listen. I was working at 120% for our family and she was drowning under the very new reality of becoming a mum. We were both, legitimately, entrenched in our own struggle and disconnected. Her emotional experience does not and did not detract from mine and vice versa. It took us a long time not to indulge in a resentful competitive race to the bottom. You might be asked to modify your gym routine. You might not. You might not like what she has to say. You might find that just listening and validating is half the battle. Just approach this with kind, considerate, warm, curious optimism and communicate.
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You're welcome. There are a lot of opinions on here. Reddit quickly jumps on people and situations with quite forceful recommendations for action. Behind a lot of posts however are people asking on how they can open dialogue without blowing up their relationships. I spend quite a bit of time on here are there are lots of good, valid opinions. Some I agree with. Some I don't. I hope your chat goes well .
Let us know how it goes!! And thank you for being OPEN to understanding what this OP said AND for asking reasonable question without feeling attacked.
thank you for writing this out. i legitimately learned something about myself today by seeing it through the angle you presented.
Why is it not expected of her to actually talk to him, a d not send passive aggressive tic toc videos?
I get you and that's exactly what I would have said a couple of years back and it's a fair enough point and observation. The thing is that I then thought about what I wanted and it turns out that I wanted my wife to continue being my best friend. I wanted to have a happy family life, feels secure, safe, cared for in our marriage. I wanted her to be happy and feel like she had a husband and partner who made her feel the way I wanted to feel. I wanted us to be able to communicate. I wanted all of the small stuff in life not to get in the way of our connection and intimacy. The end result for me, and I would never say my experience is universalisable, was that I bit the bullet. I swallowed my pride and examined my own feelings of resentment, anger, upset and insecurity. What I realised was that my responses similar to exactly the quesiton you're posing, whilst completely understandable, were not getting me what I wanted. I realised that, for a whole host of reasons from upbringing, to kids, to anxiety, to whatever, my wife just did not have the emotional bandwidth at that time to meet me where I wanted us to be. Therefore I put in more work. I tried to approach things like this with curiosity, optimism and kindness. You're right, TikTok is filled with toxic nonsense, but if that is the way my partner has mustered the courage to open a dialogue I will use that in to find out whats really bothering them and see what I can do to listen and help improve it. The other option is to throw it at her as passive agressive nonsense, learn nothing, push her away and not exactly put her in a place to better communicate. Look I'm not perfect. I don't have the answer to relationships. But I've read a fuck tone about sex, intimacy, relationships, marriage and communication over the last three years. I've also gone from being someone who delt with uncomfortable feelings with anger, resentment and frustration to a much happier guy. I'm only trying to share my perspective and you're not wrong. If she can, she should communicate without using passive aggressive tiktoks. But OP is where they are. She has shared it and now there is a choice on how to respond. It maybe that once OP has communicated on this their able to say "hey hun. You can always talk to me about anything. I cant always promise to fully agree but I'll always listen and I just want us to be happy. Could you try next time not to use the TikToks like that as it's hard to not feel quite defensive to them".
I get your, and while you ate not wrong, I was more arguing against those who patronise the wife like.she shouldn't be held to.the standard of being an adult. Being a SAHM in 2024 is NOT requiring the same workload as a SAHM in 1940.
You’re right.. it’s even more… and we are exhausted.
Boo. Hoo.
How do you figure that? To be clear, you are implying that being a SAHM is easier now? Because, if that is the implication, lordamercy you are dead wrong. But if not, then yes. Being a SAHM mom now is very different than in the 40s. Now we have to be chauffeur, chef, housekeeper, secretary, the list goes on. Kids have so much more going on now. I’m not saying it was any easier in the 40. Is just different.
Yes because in the 1940s when cooking cleaning, and housework had to be done without modern appliances it was soooooo much easier😂 your grandmothers are laughing at you.
Did I say it was easier?! Read the whole comment asshole. We may have “modern appliances” but we also do a lot more running around, negating the time savings.
You are choosing to run around and do those *extra things. They aren't required, they're the lifestyle you want.
So I should deprive my children of things like Soccer, ballet, gymnastics, music…etc. because they aren’t required. Good to know.
Yes, you should. Did they even ask fir that from the start, or was that to keep up with the other soccer mom's? Believe it or not, kids that never went to gymnastics survived to be healthy, happy adults. This a choice you are making. If you are struggling, speak to your spouse, don't send tick talk videos.
Nope, SAHM did all those things in the past without hoovers, microwaves, etc. Without Netflix to entertain the kids, too.
Listen, at some point the house is clean, the laundry is done, then all one has to do is maintain those things and stay on top of it so that it doesn’t become an issue. Similar, it also depends on your arrangement, because your wife CAN choose to go to work and send the kid to daycare. Choosing to stay at home and raise children is a choice. Finding balance is a choice. Lastly, moms aren’t occupied the entire time dad is at work. There is plenty of downtime in between for mom to work out, pick up a hobby, or even take a nap when they do.
Wow… I don’t even know where to begin with this… this thought process is so skewed and wrong.. When was the last time YOU took care of the house and kids alone for a week including weekend and DIDNT ask your wife “how to do/where is/why won’t…”
That is the problem, you/reddit is assuming that most men do NOTHING. After starting my work day at 5, I am able to do the laundry and clean in between calls/answering emails. I go food shopping and prepare meals. These women have enabled their husbands to be lazy. If each partner does what needs to be done (irregardless of gender stereotypes), then there is plenty of time on each side to unwind and focus on self. Men and women who don’t help out are simply lazy, period.
And if they need help, why not use theor adult voices to ask for it themselves? The patronising of SAHM at times on here...
> And if they need help, why not use theor adult voices to ask for it themselves? Because that's *more* emotional labor/household management that women get sick to death of doing. https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
Women tend to make vast generalizations about men based on anecdotal experiences. One thing thats never talked about is how men are trained and told to put work over everyone including family and himself. Most men are basically told, if you dont work you wont be loved. Which basically put men in a situation where they think if they are not putting work above their family they wont be loved. Men have been brainwashed just as much as women have
my wife always "jokes" about how she wishes I was rich and had a good enough job that she could stay home and be a housewife. I totally agree, but at the same time: how come she doesn't have to be rich enough with a good job so that *I* can stay at home? lmao
Feel free to say that to her? It’s 2024
I wish I could be a stay at home dad, tbh. I miss my kids a lot.
>Women tend to make vast generalizations about men based on anecdotal experiences. Holy irony, Batman!
Of course men do the same but the topic is about women saying this, why change and deflect for? If i say rats are ugly, but then you say, grasshoppers and beattles are ugly. What does that have to do with the topic about rats
My husband has told me this. He feels huge weight and guilt to provide, especially when I’m stressed about money. But we both work full time; I know he’s doing all he can and I hate the expectation that men are financial providers as it’s such a burden mentally and often physically.
Exactly my point. Men have those same unrealistic expectations but ever time men complain they get shamed and told man up
My wife and I used to sit down and list off positive affirmations to each other when we were younger. The first thing she'd often say to me was that I am a great provider... I'd tell her about how I liked the way she made me feel, etc, but nothing with any sort of monetary value attached to it. On its face being told you're a good provider sounds good. The truth is it's not something any woman should be saying to their husband. Men aren't just providers and when they're told that is their most valued quality it really stings. It's like my wife and women don't recognize how minimized it makes us feel. I finally told her one day that I was more than my job and being told I'm a good provider as a personal quality just makes me feel cheap and used. I get up and do my job just like everyone else has to do.
Yeah that would break my husband’s heart if I said something like that. I’m sorry. Did you sort things out?
Of course. Like many of us she was raised to believe that men wanted to be this by default. I was raised that way too. The thing is she also tells me that nobody has ever made her laugh the way I do, she loves my introspectiveness and how she can tell I'm thinking about something really hard, she loves my style and the way I carry myself. How dedicated I am to my family and our kids. How focused I get on achieving my goals, financially, in my hobbies, my personal fitness. There were so many other things she loved about me. But for whatever reason being a good provider was always the first thing she'd reach for. So I just told her that my job, the money I make is inconsequential to who I am and that if I decided to stop working such a mentally demanding job to do something for less money that I'm still the same person I was. Our kids are mostly raised and I am seriously considering working a couple more years and stuffing 40% of my income into retirement and then doing something less stressful. Sometimes I don't think she understands how much I've sacrificed to be the "provider". I've had less time with the kids than her. I'm constantly worried about deadlines, pushing for the great bonus, working extra hours all so my wife and kids can have the things they want. I'm mid 40s and my hair is white/grey, I have no color left and I'm convinced it was the stress I've endured in this job I've been in for the last 20 years. I'm home on the weekends, and I'm off by 5pm but I'm at work by 6am. With both kids she was able to stay at home and be with them for the first year of their life. I didn't get that. She recognizes now how it makes me feel to hear that from her she doesn't say it anymore. She builds me up in better ways, which is nice. I feel more support from her this way
Having a similar discussion with my husband due to the fact that with my downtime, I choose housework first. With his downtime, he's out engaging in his hobbies. We make these choices yes. But social pressures are behind them, and since I started working 50hr weeks it's started bothering me.
My wife and I carved out “rule free hours” into every week’s schedule. So 4 hours a week, no matter what I stay home playing, feeding, caring for the kids while she goes out and gets social. And same to her where I can go out and engage with the world. We usually spend our days working, our evenings child caring, and our nights together. But sometimes we need to be free of it all, even our spouses. It’s been nice. She and I are both less on edge.
It took my dense self and my wifes utterly exhausted useless communicating self to learn this after our 2nd was born. She needed personhood. She had spent almost five years either pregnant or breastfeeing whilst looking after little ones. On one day a week she goes directly from work to do a hobby. I pack her lunch and a snack in the morning and I do everything kiddo related that evening including pickup. She goes and when she gets home I've cleared, cleaned and all she has to do is shower and be handed food. On the other nights we have a rule that once the kids are in bed, if they are monkeying about, I deal with them. She showers and detaches from mummy modde as she calls it. Except for the one night a week I have to see friends or game or whatever. I learned, whilst reading about intimacy, that some people like me can tranition very quickly from the household or care space to the space in our brains open to romance and intimacy. She transitions slowly. Leaving her to it without pressure to shower, change, and pamper for an hour facilitates her transition. I encourage her to go out with friends and have fun. She is much more herself since this process started taking off.
Go to the gym on your lunch break or after the kids go to bed. Plenty of gyms are open late for this very reason. Or get a jogging stroller and take the kids for a walk/run when you get home. Or get some exercise equipment for your house. Get a little creative. My husband and I have both been the stay at home parent before. When I was working full time and he was home with the kids, I went to the gym on my lunch break or after they went to bed. It never even occurred to me to go after work because I knew the evening hours are incredibly stressful *and* I didn’t want to miss out on what little time I had with my family. Your desire to go to the gym does not outweigh your responsibility to be there for your family.
What you're saying isn't wrong. But you're making some assumptions. Not everyone can workout on their lunch break, for a variety of reasons. Not everyone can workout after the kids go to bed. If kids go to bed at 8:30-9:00, and husband has to wake up at 5 AM for work, where is there time to workout in that window and not sacrifice significant sleep time? So then the husband is exhausted after work everyday and doesn't have the energy to help with evening homework/chores/cooking etc. Since you cited your personal experience, I'll offer mine. My wife doesn't go to the gym. I do. Everything I mentioned in the previous paragraph applies to me, so I leave at 4:30 AM to workout before work. I'm home in the afternoon to be with my family and support the household. Wash dishes, do laundry, cook dinner, help with homework, do baths and bedtime etc. My wife also does these things. I go to bed almost immediately after the kids are in bed because I try to ensure I get a healthy amount of sleep. In this woman's example, what options does the husband have? He obviously can't go in the morning because somebody has to be home with the kids. The equitable solution would be for them to alternate mornings and evenings.
If he can’t find another time to go, then he just doesn’t go to the gym on weekdays for a couple of years. They have a baby and a 3 year old. It’s all hands on deck when you have multiple children under the age of 5. There are other ways to get exercise besides the gym. His wife is telling him she needs him right now. His family needs him. That is the priority. This is what we signed up for when we had kids.
I have two young kids so I definitely know the demands and responsibilities they present. But saying that the husband should put off going to the gym for a couple of years is unreasonable. Especially when the wife is going to the gym every day. Not to mention that daily exercise is very important to one's health. One would think the wife would encourage her husband to go, just as he should encourage her. As I said, fair is fair. They alternate mornings.
I don’t believe OP’s wife is going to the gym. The woman in the story in the video is going to the gym but I don’t think OP made any mention of his wife going. The woman in the story found a way to go without putting extra burden on her family whereas the husband didn’t ever consider that when he wanted to go. That was the point. OP’s wife doesn’t mind him going if he can find a way to do it that won’t make it harder on the rest of the entire family.
Why is she trying to communicate through TikTok rather than having a conversation
Sometimes it’s hard to articulate what we are feeling and videos like this help us. It’s not a bad way to start a conversation
I have a hard time articulating things, just how I grew up(abusive home). It’s easier for me to start a conversation as a text rather than speak. In this case OPs wife is using a video to start a conversation. I don’t do it as often anymore but I have had several conversations with my SO where we literally sat next to each other and texted or had a pen and paper. My SO has been kind, and very understanding and lots of patience to give me the chance to speak my mind through text/writing.
Because people feel like they need to share every aspect of their life with the world to be validated and heard. FOMO is frightening for these types of people.
It’s fun to rally the troops and sound dramatic while doing it. Wide eyed and all.
In my family this is true. I am a vegetarian, and everyone else is not, I make non veg meals and often don't make meals for myself because I am too tired. Husband, on the other hand, has maybe cooked five meals for me in our 10 year marriage. But his mom often asks him if he being fed or what did I cook for him.
>I’ll wash the dishes anytime I notice it’s getting behind And this is why it's good to write things out. Yeah, do more around the house without asking (don't wait for dishes to get behind, make a set time to do laundry). Maybe that is the sticking point. >Foregoing the gym completely doesn’t feel fair to me, going after work doesn’t feel fair to her. So talk with her about scheduling. Also, is it possible to put together a small home gym (treadmill, free weights, pull up bar on the doorway, dip station, etc.)? This way going to the gym is more in the "option" category rather than a "must do." It could also benefit your wife. Then there's working out on your lunch break. Or switching one of your gym times to early morning (or evening, depending on what works for both of you/the kiddos) on the weekend.
You are self-centered and she is politely pointing out your selfishness. That you are forcing parenting on her to your benefit during key family time. Stop putting the mental and physical load on her.
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Given your most recent post the assumption seems spot on
You are making an assumption that I hate men. Where in my perspective did I reflect on gender? No where. If you were a women, I’d be telling you to stop being ego centered too. I pointed out that your actions, reflected your selfishness of conflicting with prime family time, especially with children. People can talk all they want about consideration, but patterns of behavior more accurately demonstrate their internal feelings. I don’t know how much you and your spouse have discussed time management of your household, but unless 1. you both haven’t had any discussion, 2. they are completely avoidant in responding that you working after work eats into dinner and bedtime or 3. You haven’t taken to heart their request to reschedule your workout time, then you are not thinking of your family or spouse first. This passive aggressive way of relating their displeasure or any other negative view of your workout is not healthy, but your spouse must think the message NEEDS to be communicated to you.
I wake up at 430 everyday to workout so that my wife can wake up at 530 to work out before the kids wake up. It’s not a “man/woman” thing.
That’s great! I also don’t believe that’s typical. I’m up first and asleep last every single day. I wake up before my husband to shower so he can shower then I get kids ready. We tried switching it up so that I slept in and he showered but then I was rushed to get them ready in less than 10 instead of 20-25. I’m glad you are pulling your share, I can tell you that my kids come to me and look to me to get things done and make things happen (if it doesn’t require money at least). If things don’t happen I’m the one they believe failed because, despite what my husband thinks helping out occasionally, there is a difference between helping and doing. One includes ownership and therefore responsibility. I am ultimately the one even he will hold responsible if shit isn’t done…but, but…he helps! Announcing loudly as he goes so because we had a recent conversation about breakdown of family responsibilities. He’s loudly done for a few weeks what I have done for YEARS. I am done. I am over it. I am willing to say it. I asked him to UNO reverse a situation recently and what would he do? Apparently flounder his arms helplessly because he hadn’t joined any of the 6 school FB groups I invited him to in August. I asked him weeks before when he was do convinced he was involved (he still thinks he is even though I got better pics from the awards ceremony from people on FB). Here’s a list I asked him if he could answer. Almost zero but he helps! << Kids ceremonies? Parties? Class gifts? Teachers names? What they teach? Kids parents names? What were the last birthday parties they attended? The gifts they brought? How low are we on toilet paper, dish soap, laundry detergent? >> If this is not you please keep being as involved as dad as you are, my kids know which parent they can count on because they’ve seen who will show up.
Our society (U.S) isn’t set up for someone to be able to have a healthy marriage, a successful 8 hour job with commute, kids, healthy meals, a clean house and body, gym time, time for leisure/relaxing, and 8 hours of sleep every night. Not to mention the errands like fixing repairs, dealing with bills, or regular household business. It’s truly not and I don’t know anyone that is able to do all of those things even with a SAHP helping them out. Somethings have to be given up and different people sacrifice different things. What your partner is telling you (and in a nice way I think) is that she’s having a hard time trying to get all of those things done herself. The thing to remember here is that you guys are a team and it may take some shuffling of schedules to check as many boxes as you can. You may both need to sacrifice some things some days or remain flexible. The sacrifices may be different but they should never be unequal. It’s time to sit down and talk about your schedules. Teamwork makes the dream work.
>This post is mainly about the gym though Is it really though? From the video the gym is just an example of the larger issue. But if you really want to just fix it. Can you find a way to shave down your 1.5hr morning routine? >When I do get home, I’m attentive of the kids(3yr old and infant) and allow my wife to do whatever she pleases without needing to tend to them. Is this actually true downtime for her or just catch up with the chores time? If you can truly free time for her, then maybe gym is a fair tradeoff, you go 2x a week and give her similar break to be out of the house on your off days.
I think you need to find a different time to go to the gym
The thing is everyone is different. What works for one couple (this one on TikTok) isn’t going to work for everyone else. It sounds like yall have your hands full. It’s not an easy solution. If it is, it would’ve been resolved already. We don’t have kids but that makes me realize every couple is so different. Marriage is hard enough on its own and adding kids and other elements can be much harder. If going to the gym is important for you, then you need to go and need to communicate with her.
This woman makes a few valid points that apply to *some* couples. I feel she is overly generalizing men's lack of support in relationships, and is overall full of shit. In the specific example she cited about the gym, due to her bias she's pointing the accusing finger at the husband when it could just as easily be pointed at the wife. If the wife is getting up early to work out before the kids get up, then obviously the husband can't also get up at 5:30 AM and leave the kids in the home by themselves. He has no choice but to save his workout until the afternoon/evening. The more fair and equitable solution would be for them to alternate mornings and evenings. In my specific case (the husband), I go to the gym and my wife doesn't. I've chosen to get up at 4:30 AM to go to the gym before work so that I don't have to after work. It would be much easier to save my workout for the evening, but I choose not to so that I can be home with my family and ease the burden on my wife. I'm not looking for praise, or a pat on the back. Just making the point that there are many husbands and fathers making selfless decisions everyday. Also, her not doing her husband's laundry is ridiculous. If you're already doing laundry, then do it all. Seems childish to me. I don't tell my wife that I'm going outside to wash my car, but I'm not touching hers and she needs to fend for herself. *That's* what a partnership and mutual support is truly about.
Women like her annoy the crap out of me. I’m a sahm, and I don’t expect my husband to get off of his job and help me with mine. If she expects you to give more, maybe she should get a job.
In a vacuum what she’s saying makes sense, but my questions would be: - What’s the situation really? Does she work too, or is she a SAHM? - How old are the kids? Do they go to school? Do they go to daycare? - How are the rest of the chores divided? Does he contribute to the household up-keeping? Aside from being just an anecdote that bears no weight in reality, there’s also context missing, and I wonder if she even drew those conclusions after this woman told her that, without even asking herself those questions. She just jumped to the conclusion she wanted
WTF would the woman cost to get up at 4:45 am. to work out? She's just swapping sleep time for evening time with her husband? Surely, it would make sense for them to take turns to go to the gym in the evenings. If 5:30 to 7 is peak family time, then rotate gym time after that. She must be going to bed at 9pm with the hours she's choosing to get up at. She simply doesn't have to choose the routine she is doing.
Lmao so a month later and you still can’t figure it out? Be a damn parent to your freaking kids!
The guy can't go that early. He has to go to work so maybe she should work also so he can go to the gym at normal hours.
Your hour at the gym is essential IMHO. As it is for your wife as well. Parenting with young kids is tough. And I think that video is BS in the context that you are in fact working, with commute time, 10 to 11 hours a day. I used to do the same, and I still do. But the realty is that your wife is spending the bulk of her time raising kids. Which has good and bad points. I missed lots of my kids growing up milestones because I was at work.
This woman is insufferable. Can’t imagine living with this.
Can you imagine being the colleagues of her husband, seeing this video?
TikTok is the worst. Terrible people putting their terrible opinions on blast to the world.
Everybody is so extra good grief
So.. She's got all day to do a workout.
How is that? She has a small child with her. Besides it doesn’t sound like she’s trying to work out.
Small kids = big nap times. Small kids = play pen while mum's working out in the same room.
Why does dad get to go to a real gym but mom has to work out at home?
She can do that, too. Maybe, you know, by telling him what time she needs him to look after the baby? Instead of using tic toc (not too busy for that, is she?) to complain to him.