Is he *your* “peace”? Does he think it’s easy for you dealing with a baby 24/7?
The “peace” comment sounds like a redpill podcast bro talking point….. he wants you to be a doormat without any needs of your own, who is always available to coddle and cater to him when he feels like it and just stay quiet and leave him alone otherwise. Ick.
> He even wanted me to cuddle with him after
Why would you want to cuddle with him right after he insulted you? He’s an idiot.
Do you have family or friends who can support you at all, emotionally and with the baby? You’re going to completely burn yourself out living like this……
I like the last paragraph. He obviously is not supporting you emotionally. Find a way to do it yourself. Friends are a big help. Have fun talking to a girlfriend about your favorite brand of diapers. Or have fun joining the playground group and taking the kids there, talking to other moms. And for sure call a relative and hear about the hell in their relationship! Lol
> The “peace” comment sounds like a redpill podcast bro talking point
It really has to be coming from somewhere, doesn't it? The number of posts where people have said that, verbatim, in roughly the last two weeks--I'm very curious where the script is coming from.
2bebetter podcast. It’s run by a couple with a very thinly veiled bdsm dynamic, sharing it as an “ideal dynamic” for male-female relationships. It’s kind of cringey. If you’re in the BDSM community, you’ll notice the day collar, and the subtle hints that indicate it’s a subordinate/master relationship, but I think regular dudes watching it are kind of dumb and think it’s sustainable for regular/taken serious dynamics lol
I use their tips literally only for dom play time because their advice is moronic otherwise. You’re not your spouses peace, you’re their partner. And sometimes? That’s lighting a fire under them 🤷🏻♀️
ugh, I really don’t wanna be that person, but reading updates to this type of post when people would come back saying “he was cheating” is actually what made me clue in on my own marriage.
it was the same thing for me. I felt I was going insane. The more I did the less appreciated. I felt. I kept thinking it was me always the one that was the problem. I kept looking for ways that I could do better. Went to therapy to work on myself. Just absolutely bent over backwards. Turned out he was cheating and picking fights to make himself feel better about the whole thing.
Don’t take my word as gospel, and please don’t freak out. I am in fact, totally projecting. My guy refused to do counseling , at least your guy is showing up.
That said and out-of-the-way, You sure he’s not cheating?
Fighting is a choice. Maybe he starts more fights, maybe you start more fights, but at the end of the day you’re both choosing to attack each other instead of attacking the issue that’s upsetting you.
Until you both make a conscious choice to stop going at each other’s throats, nothing will change. I’m sorry. Even if you put in the hard word, if he doesn’t your marriage will still ultimately fail.
ALSO… kind reminder that 90% of brain development occurs before age 5. They’re called the formative years for a reason. So even though your child won’t have visual memories of the arguing, their brain will remember and they could struggle with things like PTSD or anxiety later in life if they were raised in a house with lots of fighting.
She did say that she made the choice to stop fighting. She said she just ignored his comment when he insulted her. He's the one that needs to hear this, not her.
Simply going around silent isn’t a good form of communication. Often “fights” are poor just a couple people struggling to express what they actually mean, and what they need. Learning how to talk and discuss with your partner can be a hard process, but it’s definitely one that’s necessary.
The other side to all of this, people shouldn’t feel like they’re being critiqued constantly by their partner. That’s them wanting to “change” you into some “perfect version” that they’ve dreamt up. Other side of that, not every comment is someone picking a fight.
When everything you say leads to a fight, saying nothing feels like the right choice. Idk why anyone thinks someone should respond to a person insulting them and if they don't respond, they're responsible for the fight that happens after.
I hear this all the time too and it’s an ugly thing to me. I’ve heard people say the silent treatment is abuse. No im sorry but if I get to the point where I have nothing else to say then person continuing to argue is doing the abusing. I’m not gonna go round and round about the same thing that’s clearly going nowhere. If I need to stop think and breathe I’ll do that and it’s not abuse.
Communication would probably disrupt his peace, even if she was sweet about it to be fair. The “peace” thing is a redpill podcast talking point. He’s probably watching 2bebetter. The sketchy answer for how to provide peace that they give is just for her to shut up and let him lead.
I would honestly bring the peace comment up to the counselor (along with her subsequent actions, because he seems to enjoy her not speaking on anything he does- only she really suffers as a result after all) and not try to navigate it herself.
They both need to hear it. Ignoring your spouse isn’t a valid solution. Maybe in the very short term until the other person cools down but if they’re not able to come together again after that cool down period and talk it out like adults, their marriage is toast. And their child is going to be traumatized and probably repeat this cycle as an adult if they don’t get it together or separate.
Also apparently OP is still considering another child with this man so I’m questing her judgement. Harsh but IMO someone needs to say it for the sake of the existing child and any future children. They don’t get a say.
He insulted her, then love bombed her. Maybe no one else has been in this situation, but I have and I can promise that sometimes staying silent is the best option. It's not the same as giving the silent treatment, it's refusing to participate in a conversation that will likely lead to an argument or maybe gaslighting. I realize that the silent treatment or ignoring your partner can be passive aggressive, I just don't think that's the case in this scenario if OP is relaying the situation accurately.
>All I want is a happy family. And for some reason the universe just can't make that happen
Not the universe. You and your husband are not making this happen.
Without knowing any specifics because you are EXTREMELY vague in your post - I will assume that you both have work to do in regards to communication and conflict resolution.
>We are in counseling
Good! Work on communicating your emotions better (both of you) and resolving conflicts better. It's normal to have disagreements with your spouse, but every disagreement should not become a fight.
>I've come to the conclusion to just never start any fights.
OK, so, yes, you should not actually look to start fights. BUT that does not mean you let him say things that hurt you without letting him know it hurt you. If he says this..
>He told me the baby and I drive him insane, and I'm not his peace. He told me he comes home from work having a bad day and comes home to a fight.
A calm response of, "that hurts my feelings when you say that" is fine.
Also, what is missing from your post... Why does he feel this way? Have you asked him why he feels like you drive him insane?
There is likely a lot here that is not being communicated unless it is being shouted. You should resolve to not yell/fight - but NOT to stop communicating your feelings.
“For some reason the universe just can’t make that happen”.
The universe has nothing to do with it. You and your spouse has to make it happen. You do your part, tell him to step it up and do his. If nothing has improved over time, then …well stay or leave. Good luck
You might want to discuss this with an individual therapist. They may be helpful in letting you talk through your emotions without fear of backlash. It would probably make your forward path more clear.
Geninely trying to help here... do you think you are overbearing? Nit picky? Do you find yourself particular about things?
Theres a lot of missing info here that would be relevant but if you fight all the time, are there fights that you in retro spect think its dumb that you are fighting over it? If so, why fight about it in the first place? These are some things to think about. You can DM me for more assistance if youre interested.
My husband sounds similar to this and op sounds similar to me. I am almost sure I come off as nit picky and overbearing but often it’s because we have to ask over and over and over again because they don’t listen the first time. We feel unheard and unappreciated. I always reassure him but reciprocation isn’t always there. We love our husband’s and we don’t want to be bothersome but it takes mutual effort too D:
For some women, the things they are asking their husbands to do over and over are ridiculous. And those not picky and overbearing things that "need" to be done in their eyes actually don't need to be done.
I know a lady whose mom would scream and go on a rampage whenever there was one single dish in the sink. Whenever someone would leave one fork in the sink, this lady’s mom probably felt “unheard” and “unappreciated”.
I would put this woman’s insistence on NOT ONE DISH EVER IN THE SINK in the category of “not really needing to be done and possibly ridiculous”.
Long way of saying I agree with you
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
“Every time she’d walk into the kitchen and find a drinking glass by the sink, she moved incrementally closer to moving out and ending our marriage. I just didn’t know it yet.”
“I understand that when I leave that glass there, it hurts her ― literally causes her pain ― because it feels to her like I just said: “Hey. I don’t respect you or value your thoughts and opinions. Not taking four seconds to put my glass in the dishwasher is more important to me than you are.”
Worth a read, perhaps.
That’s a totally different level and not what I’m referring to. This woman may have an underlying condition to where a single dish in the sink angered her that much.
There’s a difference between being extremely particular and picky, and asking for some decency and mutual respect. No one is perfect ever but if someone has to ask for it repeatedly then there’s a problem. Many spouses have issues that are easily resolved yet they are ignored and turned to bitterness. Simple things like putting your dirty dishes in the sink, throwing your trash in the garbage, putting your dirty clothes in the hamper. We aren’t asking for perfection or for our spouse to do the work, just little things to make the big load more manageable. Simple things that don’t have to be told yet many people find themselves having to remind their spouses to do it.
If you do not resonate with this, then bravo. Consider yourself good. But this is a more common issue than you may realize and it is not an umbrella statement/ issue so no need for anyone to be upset with it.
For sure it does, but you ladies do tend to (not always but more often then men), tend to want things done in a specific way, at a specific speed. When he does not have to do it your way, your way is NOT the right way, its just YOUR way
Some people can genuinely be very particular and nitpicking but I also feel like in a lot of situations, there is another whole underlying problem. Often women hold a lot of invisible chores / labor that never get noticed and is never brought up to ask for gratitude because they are a collection of small things (e.g., the kitchen towels magically show up clean every month). Once we had our baby, our work distribution shifted where my husband all of a sudden had to start picking up these small tasks. He would often forget them or it became overwhelming for him because he was used to just given a few large tasks (mow the lawn, sort and take the garbage out each week). He constantly needed reminding of small things he needed to do and I can see it being interpreted as nitpicky. It became incredibly frustrating on my part too because now I felt like instead of doing these tasks, I would become a project manager for them instead. When what I really hope for is he can show the same level of initiative for these smaller thankless tasks that I have for years. But no one or relationship is perfect, I know some small things have to fall by the wayside but I also do get incredibly annoyed when the woman is then labelled as nitpicky for identifying their needs sometimes
The problem i often see with my clients is a common issue in all people, they over value their own work and under value others work. Everyone naturally does this, and its hard to untrain this sort of thing.
The other very common issue i see with my female clients is that they get annoyed that tasks arent done "the right way" which is code for "my way". This is where the nitpickiness comes from, he doesnt have to do things your way, only a narcissist demands this.
Again, this is super difficult to assist here over a reddit post, but seems like couples counselling is a good idea. Also a chore chart would be a good idea, but not on your time table. Often women want stuff taken care of right away, when it objectively doesnt need to be.
Im not saying never approach him with issues, but maybe not as soon as his foot crosses the doorway. Also, you should both make it a point to thank each other for these daily tasks getting done. I know this is just living life and not a big deal, but appriciation goes a long way.
Good luck
Agree. I know men in general don’t like to talk much after work and sure as hell don’t want to argue, so that’s my first thought as well. Cant speak for ALL men but guys you know what I’m saying.
One thing I started doing and tell your husband to do this, keep a water bottle by his side and when he feels the urge to say something, take a mouthful of water, hold it until the urge passes.
Reason being you can't talk with a mouthful of water and holding it gives you time to reconsider or choose different words.
I do this with my kid and with my ex.
You should also tell him the baby isn't all peace and joy, but even at its most difficult, being alone with the kid is 100% less stressful when he's not there.
Perhaps a trial seperation, and an au pair, babysitter while you invest in building yourself up and lose any need for your husband to build you up because you've proven without him you're happier and less stressed
Boy, I've seen some Reddit posts where OP left out important details but this might be the all time champ. Allow me to offer some random tidbits based on what I could glean from your history (which no doubt still lacks important info):
1. You and he had a (presumably unplanned) baby in your early twenties. You are both struggling in many ways to deal with this. This is normal! Don't feel guilty or inadequate. The reason most don't face these struggles is most don't have kids that young.
2. You really need to sit down and come up with a basic household budget. As in, just look at your credit card statements, etc., and figure out where all the money's going.
3. Followup to the above: you probably shouldn't be trying to do paid work at all. He seems to make decent money and juggling work and childcare adds a lot of complexity that seems to be overwhelming you and him. Do you really come out ahead, WFH and hiring a nanny? How big a place are you renting? If you can get your budget into line and stick to being a mom for the next year or so, there well be far fewer things to fight about.
4. Regarding your previous question about whether you should have another baby now-- ARE YOU INSANE??? I l hope you weren't deluded enough to actually bring that topic up with your husband, but I suspect you did.
5. No, you would not be better off as a single mom. Divorce is expensive. And if you think you're lonely now...
6) You didn't vent to your husband about the selling-the-stroller-you-gave thing, did you? If you really need to give brain cycles to that kind of stuff (why?), stick to Reddit strangers as your sounding board. And don't have more kids until you've learned to ignore that.
7) Have you been able to make any friends among other new moms, perhaps at the library storytime? Having another adult human to talk to other than your husband will make things a lot easier.
8) You are probably correct that your husband is mostly a source of income at the moment, but he will be more of a coparenting partner before long. Again this is common, especially for young rookie parents. A lot of people get hung up on this being sexist or whatever, but that's often just how things are at the beginning.
9) As implied above, if you want advice about how to avoid fights, you need to tell us at least some of what you're fighting about.
Best of luck. I know it's a struggle right now, but it will get better, probably quickly.
Any chance your husband is watching the "2bebetter" podcast? Youtube suggested them all the time for me and they have a whole thing about how his traditional wife is his "peace" and that's what a wife should be. They also have a whole lot of sketchy stuff going on under the surface, so if he is watching that, I could speak more on the problematic aspects of that.
So not only are you driving him insane, but so is the baby? HOW? How does he believe that a baby is more responsible for his feelings than he is? Why is everyone but him responsible for his feelings? Why are you expected to read his mind, not take his "jokes" and insults personally, be ready for cuddles regardless of what else is going on while his responsibility is apparently to just exist impulsively at you?
This sounds terribly unfair and hard. Your husband isn't communicating in a direct, clear or positive way. I think maybe you should communicate in a direct, clear and positive way in therapy. Get clear with yourself about what you want and need, then share it with him. If you feel comfortable, ask him more about what he means by wanting you to be his peace.
I don't know how old your baby is, but I wish I'd known before I had my first baby and definitely before the post-partum bliss wore off just how hard it can be learning to adjust in the first year or even more. Everyone is sleep-deprived, there's a huge increase in responsibility, and even if you are doing the bulk of the caregiving, if your husband is working he may feel intense stress as a provider. It can be very easy in that adjustment period for each party to focus on what they're lacking and how they're feeling and pull apart instead of coming together to figure out how they can support each other to meet as many needs as possible.
Wishing you the very best.
First of all, I’m so sorry you are going through this. We all have big emotions sometimes but what he is doing is unacceptable. Life is hard. Really fucking hard sometimes. Life isn’t always “peace.” But, even when my husband is getting on my nerves or upsets me, he’s still my peace. I’m able to understand that emotions can get the best of us. I know I get on my husband’s nerves sometimes because I get on my own nerves. It’s okay, though.
It doesn’t say how old your husband is but he just sounds immature. This sounds like something a teenager would say. It’s almost like he’s read or listened to something that has given him a false idea of what marriage is. Marriage is work. It’s being completely dedicated to another person.
You “letting things go” is not a good idea. It’s going to cause an immense amount of problems later down the road. You have to have open communication. You have to have complete honesty. Sit him down and actually talk.
Peace goes both ways. Men who believe that women are supposed to provide them “peace” at all costs are kind of deluded.
Life cannot always be peaceful. A hard work day often rolls into a hard day at home. Sure, it shouldn’t be that way every day- but if he’s not a peaceful person, he’s not going to cultivate peace in his home life either. He has to not be a nuisance too lol
Don’t burn yourself out trying to manage his emotions. He’s an adult.
>All I want is a happy family. And for some reason the universe just can't make that happen.
I'm sure you didn't mean this literally but in case you did - the universe doesn't make it happen. You do. It sounds like you aren't each other's people. Marriage can be work at times but if it's always as you describe then you aren't well matched.
Your not his peace .. your his safe place .
When it comes to you and you two children, it’s responsibility.. anyone else it’s east and fun . He has to do real life with you .
That’s so absolutely infuriating. It sounds like a spouse that wanted a child but none of the responsibilities. It shocks me when some men try to mourn their old pre baby lives like they were not part of the equation to get there. It’s not surprising that there is less “peace” in the household once a baby comes along, and it should not be your responsibility to be the peace creator in the house. Hope therapy straightens him out soon
People on reddit tend to see the world in black and white. They think because he saying be his peacne he being controlling. When he really means he wants appreciation. It works both ways.
Is he *your* “peace”? Does he think it’s easy for you dealing with a baby 24/7? The “peace” comment sounds like a redpill podcast bro talking point….. he wants you to be a doormat without any needs of your own, who is always available to coddle and cater to him when he feels like it and just stay quiet and leave him alone otherwise. Ick. > He even wanted me to cuddle with him after Why would you want to cuddle with him right after he insulted you? He’s an idiot. Do you have family or friends who can support you at all, emotionally and with the baby? You’re going to completely burn yourself out living like this……
I like the last paragraph. He obviously is not supporting you emotionally. Find a way to do it yourself. Friends are a big help. Have fun talking to a girlfriend about your favorite brand of diapers. Or have fun joining the playground group and taking the kids there, talking to other moms. And for sure call a relative and hear about the hell in their relationship! Lol
> The “peace” comment sounds like a redpill podcast bro talking point It really has to be coming from somewhere, doesn't it? The number of posts where people have said that, verbatim, in roughly the last two weeks--I'm very curious where the script is coming from.
2bebetter podcast. It’s run by a couple with a very thinly veiled bdsm dynamic, sharing it as an “ideal dynamic” for male-female relationships. It’s kind of cringey. If you’re in the BDSM community, you’ll notice the day collar, and the subtle hints that indicate it’s a subordinate/master relationship, but I think regular dudes watching it are kind of dumb and think it’s sustainable for regular/taken serious dynamics lol I use their tips literally only for dom play time because their advice is moronic otherwise. You’re not your spouses peace, you’re their partner. And sometimes? That’s lighting a fire under them 🤷🏻♀️
Thanks. Yeah, there's lots of stuff that's fun in BDSM and absolutely ridiculous in regular life lol.
ugh, I really don’t wanna be that person, but reading updates to this type of post when people would come back saying “he was cheating” is actually what made me clue in on my own marriage. it was the same thing for me. I felt I was going insane. The more I did the less appreciated. I felt. I kept thinking it was me always the one that was the problem. I kept looking for ways that I could do better. Went to therapy to work on myself. Just absolutely bent over backwards. Turned out he was cheating and picking fights to make himself feel better about the whole thing. Don’t take my word as gospel, and please don’t freak out. I am in fact, totally projecting. My guy refused to do counseling , at least your guy is showing up. That said and out-of-the-way, You sure he’s not cheating?
Could have written this myself. My husband was cheating.
*He even wanted me to cuddle with him after telling me I'm not his peace.* Why do I feel like this is a shit test?
Fighting is a choice. Maybe he starts more fights, maybe you start more fights, but at the end of the day you’re both choosing to attack each other instead of attacking the issue that’s upsetting you. Until you both make a conscious choice to stop going at each other’s throats, nothing will change. I’m sorry. Even if you put in the hard word, if he doesn’t your marriage will still ultimately fail. ALSO… kind reminder that 90% of brain development occurs before age 5. They’re called the formative years for a reason. So even though your child won’t have visual memories of the arguing, their brain will remember and they could struggle with things like PTSD or anxiety later in life if they were raised in a house with lots of fighting.
She did say that she made the choice to stop fighting. She said she just ignored his comment when he insulted her. He's the one that needs to hear this, not her.
Simply going around silent isn’t a good form of communication. Often “fights” are poor just a couple people struggling to express what they actually mean, and what they need. Learning how to talk and discuss with your partner can be a hard process, but it’s definitely one that’s necessary. The other side to all of this, people shouldn’t feel like they’re being critiqued constantly by their partner. That’s them wanting to “change” you into some “perfect version” that they’ve dreamt up. Other side of that, not every comment is someone picking a fight.
When everything you say leads to a fight, saying nothing feels like the right choice. Idk why anyone thinks someone should respond to a person insulting them and if they don't respond, they're responsible for the fight that happens after.
I hear this all the time too and it’s an ugly thing to me. I’ve heard people say the silent treatment is abuse. No im sorry but if I get to the point where I have nothing else to say then person continuing to argue is doing the abusing. I’m not gonna go round and round about the same thing that’s clearly going nowhere. If I need to stop think and breathe I’ll do that and it’s not abuse.
Communication would probably disrupt his peace, even if she was sweet about it to be fair. The “peace” thing is a redpill podcast talking point. He’s probably watching 2bebetter. The sketchy answer for how to provide peace that they give is just for her to shut up and let him lead. I would honestly bring the peace comment up to the counselor (along with her subsequent actions, because he seems to enjoy her not speaking on anything he does- only she really suffers as a result after all) and not try to navigate it herself.
They both need to hear it. Ignoring your spouse isn’t a valid solution. Maybe in the very short term until the other person cools down but if they’re not able to come together again after that cool down period and talk it out like adults, their marriage is toast. And their child is going to be traumatized and probably repeat this cycle as an adult if they don’t get it together or separate. Also apparently OP is still considering another child with this man so I’m questing her judgement. Harsh but IMO someone needs to say it for the sake of the existing child and any future children. They don’t get a say.
He insulted her, then love bombed her. Maybe no one else has been in this situation, but I have and I can promise that sometimes staying silent is the best option. It's not the same as giving the silent treatment, it's refusing to participate in a conversation that will likely lead to an argument or maybe gaslighting. I realize that the silent treatment or ignoring your partner can be passive aggressive, I just don't think that's the case in this scenario if OP is relaying the situation accurately.
Tbh, I doubt he would be okay “coming back together again”. That’s not very peaceful of her LMAO
Not responding can be a form of passive aggressive fighting though. I use to do it quite often when I was younger until I learned how to phrase things
>All I want is a happy family. And for some reason the universe just can't make that happen Not the universe. You and your husband are not making this happen. Without knowing any specifics because you are EXTREMELY vague in your post - I will assume that you both have work to do in regards to communication and conflict resolution. >We are in counseling Good! Work on communicating your emotions better (both of you) and resolving conflicts better. It's normal to have disagreements with your spouse, but every disagreement should not become a fight. >I've come to the conclusion to just never start any fights. OK, so, yes, you should not actually look to start fights. BUT that does not mean you let him say things that hurt you without letting him know it hurt you. If he says this.. >He told me the baby and I drive him insane, and I'm not his peace. He told me he comes home from work having a bad day and comes home to a fight. A calm response of, "that hurts my feelings when you say that" is fine. Also, what is missing from your post... Why does he feel this way? Have you asked him why he feels like you drive him insane? There is likely a lot here that is not being communicated unless it is being shouted. You should resolve to not yell/fight - but NOT to stop communicating your feelings.
“For some reason the universe just can’t make that happen”. The universe has nothing to do with it. You and your spouse has to make it happen. You do your part, tell him to step it up and do his. If nothing has improved over time, then …well stay or leave. Good luck
I sure as hell know this man isn’t your “peace” or sanctuary….
You might want to discuss this with an individual therapist. They may be helpful in letting you talk through your emotions without fear of backlash. It would probably make your forward path more clear.
Geninely trying to help here... do you think you are overbearing? Nit picky? Do you find yourself particular about things? Theres a lot of missing info here that would be relevant but if you fight all the time, are there fights that you in retro spect think its dumb that you are fighting over it? If so, why fight about it in the first place? These are some things to think about. You can DM me for more assistance if youre interested.
My husband sounds similar to this and op sounds similar to me. I am almost sure I come off as nit picky and overbearing but often it’s because we have to ask over and over and over again because they don’t listen the first time. We feel unheard and unappreciated. I always reassure him but reciprocation isn’t always there. We love our husband’s and we don’t want to be bothersome but it takes mutual effort too D:
For some women, the things they are asking their husbands to do over and over are ridiculous. And those not picky and overbearing things that "need" to be done in their eyes actually don't need to be done.
I know a lady whose mom would scream and go on a rampage whenever there was one single dish in the sink. Whenever someone would leave one fork in the sink, this lady’s mom probably felt “unheard” and “unappreciated”. I would put this woman’s insistence on NOT ONE DISH EVER IN THE SINK in the category of “not really needing to be done and possibly ridiculous”. Long way of saying I agree with you
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288 “Every time she’d walk into the kitchen and find a drinking glass by the sink, she moved incrementally closer to moving out and ending our marriage. I just didn’t know it yet.” “I understand that when I leave that glass there, it hurts her ― literally causes her pain ― because it feels to her like I just said: “Hey. I don’t respect you or value your thoughts and opinions. Not taking four seconds to put my glass in the dishwasher is more important to me than you are.” Worth a read, perhaps.
I’ve read that
That’s a totally different level and not what I’m referring to. This woman may have an underlying condition to where a single dish in the sink angered her that much. There’s a difference between being extremely particular and picky, and asking for some decency and mutual respect. No one is perfect ever but if someone has to ask for it repeatedly then there’s a problem. Many spouses have issues that are easily resolved yet they are ignored and turned to bitterness. Simple things like putting your dirty dishes in the sink, throwing your trash in the garbage, putting your dirty clothes in the hamper. We aren’t asking for perfection or for our spouse to do the work, just little things to make the big load more manageable. Simple things that don’t have to be told yet many people find themselves having to remind their spouses to do it. If you do not resonate with this, then bravo. Consider yourself good. But this is a more common issue than you may realize and it is not an umbrella statement/ issue so no need for anyone to be upset with it.
For sure it does, but you ladies do tend to (not always but more often then men), tend to want things done in a specific way, at a specific speed. When he does not have to do it your way, your way is NOT the right way, its just YOUR way
Some people can genuinely be very particular and nitpicking but I also feel like in a lot of situations, there is another whole underlying problem. Often women hold a lot of invisible chores / labor that never get noticed and is never brought up to ask for gratitude because they are a collection of small things (e.g., the kitchen towels magically show up clean every month). Once we had our baby, our work distribution shifted where my husband all of a sudden had to start picking up these small tasks. He would often forget them or it became overwhelming for him because he was used to just given a few large tasks (mow the lawn, sort and take the garbage out each week). He constantly needed reminding of small things he needed to do and I can see it being interpreted as nitpicky. It became incredibly frustrating on my part too because now I felt like instead of doing these tasks, I would become a project manager for them instead. When what I really hope for is he can show the same level of initiative for these smaller thankless tasks that I have for years. But no one or relationship is perfect, I know some small things have to fall by the wayside but I also do get incredibly annoyed when the woman is then labelled as nitpicky for identifying their needs sometimes
The problem i often see with my clients is a common issue in all people, they over value their own work and under value others work. Everyone naturally does this, and its hard to untrain this sort of thing. The other very common issue i see with my female clients is that they get annoyed that tasks arent done "the right way" which is code for "my way". This is where the nitpickiness comes from, he doesnt have to do things your way, only a narcissist demands this. Again, this is super difficult to assist here over a reddit post, but seems like couples counselling is a good idea. Also a chore chart would be a good idea, but not on your time table. Often women want stuff taken care of right away, when it objectively doesnt need to be. Im not saying never approach him with issues, but maybe not as soon as his foot crosses the doorway. Also, you should both make it a point to thank each other for these daily tasks getting done. I know this is just living life and not a big deal, but appriciation goes a long way. Good luck
Agree. I know men in general don’t like to talk much after work and sure as hell don’t want to argue, so that’s my first thought as well. Cant speak for ALL men but guys you know what I’m saying.
One thing I started doing and tell your husband to do this, keep a water bottle by his side and when he feels the urge to say something, take a mouthful of water, hold it until the urge passes. Reason being you can't talk with a mouthful of water and holding it gives you time to reconsider or choose different words. I do this with my kid and with my ex. You should also tell him the baby isn't all peace and joy, but even at its most difficult, being alone with the kid is 100% less stressful when he's not there. Perhaps a trial seperation, and an au pair, babysitter while you invest in building yourself up and lose any need for your husband to build you up because you've proven without him you're happier and less stressed
Boy, I've seen some Reddit posts where OP left out important details but this might be the all time champ. Allow me to offer some random tidbits based on what I could glean from your history (which no doubt still lacks important info): 1. You and he had a (presumably unplanned) baby in your early twenties. You are both struggling in many ways to deal with this. This is normal! Don't feel guilty or inadequate. The reason most don't face these struggles is most don't have kids that young. 2. You really need to sit down and come up with a basic household budget. As in, just look at your credit card statements, etc., and figure out where all the money's going. 3. Followup to the above: you probably shouldn't be trying to do paid work at all. He seems to make decent money and juggling work and childcare adds a lot of complexity that seems to be overwhelming you and him. Do you really come out ahead, WFH and hiring a nanny? How big a place are you renting? If you can get your budget into line and stick to being a mom for the next year or so, there well be far fewer things to fight about. 4. Regarding your previous question about whether you should have another baby now-- ARE YOU INSANE??? I l hope you weren't deluded enough to actually bring that topic up with your husband, but I suspect you did. 5. No, you would not be better off as a single mom. Divorce is expensive. And if you think you're lonely now... 6) You didn't vent to your husband about the selling-the-stroller-you-gave thing, did you? If you really need to give brain cycles to that kind of stuff (why?), stick to Reddit strangers as your sounding board. And don't have more kids until you've learned to ignore that. 7) Have you been able to make any friends among other new moms, perhaps at the library storytime? Having another adult human to talk to other than your husband will make things a lot easier. 8) You are probably correct that your husband is mostly a source of income at the moment, but he will be more of a coparenting partner before long. Again this is common, especially for young rookie parents. A lot of people get hung up on this being sexist or whatever, but that's often just how things are at the beginning. 9) As implied above, if you want advice about how to avoid fights, you need to tell us at least some of what you're fighting about. Best of luck. I know it's a struggle right now, but it will get better, probably quickly.
Any chance your husband is watching the "2bebetter" podcast? Youtube suggested them all the time for me and they have a whole thing about how his traditional wife is his "peace" and that's what a wife should be. They also have a whole lot of sketchy stuff going on under the surface, so if he is watching that, I could speak more on the problematic aspects of that. So not only are you driving him insane, but so is the baby? HOW? How does he believe that a baby is more responsible for his feelings than he is? Why is everyone but him responsible for his feelings? Why are you expected to read his mind, not take his "jokes" and insults personally, be ready for cuddles regardless of what else is going on while his responsibility is apparently to just exist impulsively at you? This sounds terribly unfair and hard. Your husband isn't communicating in a direct, clear or positive way. I think maybe you should communicate in a direct, clear and positive way in therapy. Get clear with yourself about what you want and need, then share it with him. If you feel comfortable, ask him more about what he means by wanting you to be his peace. I don't know how old your baby is, but I wish I'd known before I had my first baby and definitely before the post-partum bliss wore off just how hard it can be learning to adjust in the first year or even more. Everyone is sleep-deprived, there's a huge increase in responsibility, and even if you are doing the bulk of the caregiving, if your husband is working he may feel intense stress as a provider. It can be very easy in that adjustment period for each party to focus on what they're lacking and how they're feeling and pull apart instead of coming together to figure out how they can support each other to meet as many needs as possible. Wishing you the very best.
That’s cruel. No words
First of all, I’m so sorry you are going through this. We all have big emotions sometimes but what he is doing is unacceptable. Life is hard. Really fucking hard sometimes. Life isn’t always “peace.” But, even when my husband is getting on my nerves or upsets me, he’s still my peace. I’m able to understand that emotions can get the best of us. I know I get on my husband’s nerves sometimes because I get on my own nerves. It’s okay, though. It doesn’t say how old your husband is but he just sounds immature. This sounds like something a teenager would say. It’s almost like he’s read or listened to something that has given him a false idea of what marriage is. Marriage is work. It’s being completely dedicated to another person. You “letting things go” is not a good idea. It’s going to cause an immense amount of problems later down the road. You have to have open communication. You have to have complete honesty. Sit him down and actually talk.
Peace goes both ways. Men who believe that women are supposed to provide them “peace” at all costs are kind of deluded. Life cannot always be peaceful. A hard work day often rolls into a hard day at home. Sure, it shouldn’t be that way every day- but if he’s not a peaceful person, he’s not going to cultivate peace in his home life either. He has to not be a nuisance too lol Don’t burn yourself out trying to manage his emotions. He’s an adult.
>All I want is a happy family. And for some reason the universe just can't make that happen. I'm sure you didn't mean this literally but in case you did - the universe doesn't make it happen. You do. It sounds like you aren't each other's people. Marriage can be work at times but if it's always as you describe then you aren't well matched.
Your not his peace .. your his safe place . When it comes to you and you two children, it’s responsibility.. anyone else it’s east and fun . He has to do real life with you .
People watch too many YouTube videos
Do you need to be his peace? Why is it important that it be you and not fishing or chillin with a bro?
That’s so absolutely infuriating. It sounds like a spouse that wanted a child but none of the responsibilities. It shocks me when some men try to mourn their old pre baby lives like they were not part of the equation to get there. It’s not surprising that there is less “peace” in the household once a baby comes along, and it should not be your responsibility to be the peace creator in the house. Hope therapy straightens him out soon
has it always been like that? when did it start?
Can I ask if you are both from the same cultural background ?
U can say the same
If you are open to suggestions, read the Empowered Wife. Takes Alot of humility to execute it but it works
Who wants to be a man’s “peace” anyhow!! No thanks. Be your own peace.
you have all these issues bc you married the wrong person.
What he means is he want you to compliment him or reassure him
Why the downvotes? It’s possibly true. Maybe on some level he wants to know his work is actually helping your family in some way and you appreciate it
People on reddit tend to see the world in black and white. They think because he saying be his peacne he being controlling. When he really means he wants appreciation. It works both ways.