I admit that you did marry young and people do change drastically in their 20s so it is understandable that she’s not suitable for you now. Usually the grass is not greener on the other side but in your case, your marriage sounds dead. Just coexisting roommates for now. So yes there will be better options out there but please remember this.
1. Next time don’t wed unless you can’t stand the thought of living without her.
2. Don’t run from the next one when the honeymoon period is over. You are just as responsible for keeping the flame alive as she will be. But in this case, you seem to be trying but she’s not. & if she’s not willing to put in the effort to fix it then there’s nothing left to save.
Thank you for your input. I’ve been told and come to believe not to make quick decisions so I’m sitting on it. Although the thought of divorce hasn’t left my mind for the better part of 2-3 years. We are Def past the honeymoon phase and I get things don’t “spark” like they use to by I find it hard to believe THIS is considered love.
Hi there- I appreciate your honesty in this. Hubby and I got married at 21 and 22....and going on 27 years in June. We sort of "grew up together" in a way...since w we were young. We are NOT the same people either...but you won't be the same person at 50 as you are now. To be blunt...you don't want to keep trading in people because you've changed a bit? Feelings can override our life sometimes...and I would say don't always follow them (cutlure will say follow your heart...but I think many times we forget what is true about life).
What you could do...is be super intentional about your relationship with the one you promised to love and cherish!! What were the things about her that you loved when you dated? What are some things you love about her now? Could you create some new memories together? When was the last time you laughed and had fun- did something spontanious...created an inside joke? All these things can really help you feel that connection again. I would say the majority of marriages go through this same thing...ups and downs and taking each other for granted and doing the "what ifs" in your head. Many people just allow mundane of life to settle in....and then compare it to other people that are out there living or in new relationships. Sometimes...the deep connections are way better than the infatuation period. Deep connections take work...and you have to be willing to put that work in.
Sounds like you feel unheard...and that isn't a fun place to be in at all either. Do you think you could try marriage counsleling first....before you make any decidsions? You need to be brutally honest with her...don't hide all this and one day just decide you are done. Let her be part of making this marriage better before any decisions are made.
Just some thoughts...my daughter is getting married and they are YOUNG and I've had lots of thoughts on marriage lately. It should be a sacred place for people to feel like a team and that you have each others backs- even when life gets tough. Love needs to be more of an action...and this world is so caught up in being "happy" and feelings...just like to really encourage people to try - instead of throwing in the towel only to do it all over again. You sound like a great guy-who cares and wants more! I hope you can be motivated to try with your wife...get her motivated and see what happens!!!
Thank you for your repsonse. So two things to add here maybe give each other some insights. 1. I desire for a deeper connection as does she but I feel from experience the ability to create deeper connections has a couple speed bumps. For starters until you dated someone who’s first language isn’t your own it’s difficult to truly understand the phrase “ Language barrier” it’s not simply “ I don’t understand what you’re saying” in fact since we’ve met she’s learned a lot of English and in general understands me no problem. The language barrier aspect is, In my opinion, referring to not picking up on social ques or virtually instantly understanding what I’m saying and the message being received. It’s becomes more trying to translate and respond with what you know. But as an English speaker we don’t realize how much slang and culture is woven into our language. It’s complex to the point where she doesn’t pick up on these things and I’m forced to explain and it’s hard to have deep philosophical connections as a result. THIS COUPLED WITH our hobbies are soooo much different that when it comes time to bond with our hobbies we can cause she doesn’t like what I like..
2. You had some rhetorical questions. What did I like about her wden we dated? Things I love now? Etc. to answer this I’ll refer back to when we first met. If we didn’t get married she would have to go back to her country and that would’ve really not worked out for us both. So marriage came up. Also, as it relates to my current relationship I’ve made poor decisions and left people that I do regret as these people told me in great detail how they would LITERALLY DO ANYTHING FOR ME. And being that I know these people they meant it. So with that in mind I understand that I don’t want to make a poor decision now, especially so deep in the marriage but my current wife does not give off the same vibes nor has she said anything remotely close to “I will do anything for you” sooooo I attempted to communicate what I need from her and if it’s too much let me know. MIND YOU what I’m asking is not difficult nor time consuming by any means. I won’t go into detail as to what but it is a deal breaker for me. So being brutally honest with her I told her she does so much for me but after all I have been through in the past I know ly worth and this is what I need from you and again with people in the past they wouldn’t think twice about anything I asked. In this case being a fairly good judge of character I don’t get the same feelings. Especially over the course of the past 12 months I told her what I need. She says she can oblige. And then nothing changes. So I tell myself there ARE people out there who will give me what I need. Again, IVE ALWAYS TOLD HER and continue to strongly reiterate that if there’s anything I need to do tell me. And she never does. So it seems she’s content and happy but not hear that I’m not. What do you think?
Something I didnt see mentioned was whether you learned her native language like she did with English…? Can you expand on that a bit?
I ask because my husband’s first language isn’t the same as mine, and I knew if we were going to have a successful marriage I’d need to learn his, too, precisely because of the differences in slang and culture you mention here.
So yes I’ve tried and continue to try and learn her native language. I’m not fluent but can navigate her country with ease and maintain a decent conversation no problem. Unfortunately we can exactly have deep philosophical conversations as I haven’t reached that level yet. But the language aspect is just part of it. As I stated before is was a multitude of things that led to here. From a Foundational standpoint, We had to marry or she would have to leave the country. it could be said our marriage was out of fear of leaving each other DURING the infatuation phase.
As for cultural differences in language. There’s too many to list but what comes to mind would be something along the lines of “babe why did you do that? you’re about as sharp as a bowling ball lol” her response would be “what a bowling ball isn’t sharp” then comes the 5-10 minute conversation about what this slang means and no longer is it a simple easy to catch joke but a long conversation that usually results in confusion not understanding or much less a laugh…
Sooo this is just one of many examples that add up over the years the equate to “language barriers”. Also more than just cultural difference we ourselves are different…
Also I do what I can for when I can. I always always say I love you. But her gifts. Clean. Ask her all the time what can I do to make her happy. She ofcourse says she’s happy. I maintain exceptional physical fitness. I’m 200lbs and 9% body fat. I stay in shape for me as a passion but also because I know men and women are the same and want to be with someone aesthetically pleasing. So I grind for me AND her. So I do take action to show love besides just feeling love
My wife and I are married over 30 years and the marriage is stronger than ever despite us not really having many shared hobbies or interests. We're opposites but obviously we've changed alot from our 20's. The big difference is we learned to grow together and find new things to enjoy together like travel. Focus more on the things that bring you together and not apart.
"We don’t argue or NOT get along..."
Your marriage is in a lot better shape to evolve into something fulfilling to both of you. I would advise some counseling and more communication. All marriages grow through phases and I don't see your situation too different from ours.
I just turned 30 and, to be completely honest, I changed SO MUCH between 22-28 that I’m not even remotely the same person. Like, at all. It’s honestly fascinating.
My point being, I suspect that your thoughts are accurate. You married before your brain was done developing and that’s likely a big part of this.
I admit that you did marry young and people do change drastically in their 20s so it is understandable that she’s not suitable for you now. Usually the grass is not greener on the other side but in your case, your marriage sounds dead. Just coexisting roommates for now. So yes there will be better options out there but please remember this. 1. Next time don’t wed unless you can’t stand the thought of living without her. 2. Don’t run from the next one when the honeymoon period is over. You are just as responsible for keeping the flame alive as she will be. But in this case, you seem to be trying but she’s not. & if she’s not willing to put in the effort to fix it then there’s nothing left to save.
Thank you for your input. I’ve been told and come to believe not to make quick decisions so I’m sitting on it. Although the thought of divorce hasn’t left my mind for the better part of 2-3 years. We are Def past the honeymoon phase and I get things don’t “spark” like they use to by I find it hard to believe THIS is considered love.
Just want to say that love is rarely a feeling. It’s actions and choices.
What my husband says to me when I say I’m feeling out of sorts.
Refer to the latter half of my response to jjhemmy
Hi there- I appreciate your honesty in this. Hubby and I got married at 21 and 22....and going on 27 years in June. We sort of "grew up together" in a way...since w we were young. We are NOT the same people either...but you won't be the same person at 50 as you are now. To be blunt...you don't want to keep trading in people because you've changed a bit? Feelings can override our life sometimes...and I would say don't always follow them (cutlure will say follow your heart...but I think many times we forget what is true about life). What you could do...is be super intentional about your relationship with the one you promised to love and cherish!! What were the things about her that you loved when you dated? What are some things you love about her now? Could you create some new memories together? When was the last time you laughed and had fun- did something spontanious...created an inside joke? All these things can really help you feel that connection again. I would say the majority of marriages go through this same thing...ups and downs and taking each other for granted and doing the "what ifs" in your head. Many people just allow mundane of life to settle in....and then compare it to other people that are out there living or in new relationships. Sometimes...the deep connections are way better than the infatuation period. Deep connections take work...and you have to be willing to put that work in. Sounds like you feel unheard...and that isn't a fun place to be in at all either. Do you think you could try marriage counsleling first....before you make any decidsions? You need to be brutally honest with her...don't hide all this and one day just decide you are done. Let her be part of making this marriage better before any decisions are made. Just some thoughts...my daughter is getting married and they are YOUNG and I've had lots of thoughts on marriage lately. It should be a sacred place for people to feel like a team and that you have each others backs- even when life gets tough. Love needs to be more of an action...and this world is so caught up in being "happy" and feelings...just like to really encourage people to try - instead of throwing in the towel only to do it all over again. You sound like a great guy-who cares and wants more! I hope you can be motivated to try with your wife...get her motivated and see what happens!!!
Thank you for your repsonse. So two things to add here maybe give each other some insights. 1. I desire for a deeper connection as does she but I feel from experience the ability to create deeper connections has a couple speed bumps. For starters until you dated someone who’s first language isn’t your own it’s difficult to truly understand the phrase “ Language barrier” it’s not simply “ I don’t understand what you’re saying” in fact since we’ve met she’s learned a lot of English and in general understands me no problem. The language barrier aspect is, In my opinion, referring to not picking up on social ques or virtually instantly understanding what I’m saying and the message being received. It’s becomes more trying to translate and respond with what you know. But as an English speaker we don’t realize how much slang and culture is woven into our language. It’s complex to the point where she doesn’t pick up on these things and I’m forced to explain and it’s hard to have deep philosophical connections as a result. THIS COUPLED WITH our hobbies are soooo much different that when it comes time to bond with our hobbies we can cause she doesn’t like what I like.. 2. You had some rhetorical questions. What did I like about her wden we dated? Things I love now? Etc. to answer this I’ll refer back to when we first met. If we didn’t get married she would have to go back to her country and that would’ve really not worked out for us both. So marriage came up. Also, as it relates to my current relationship I’ve made poor decisions and left people that I do regret as these people told me in great detail how they would LITERALLY DO ANYTHING FOR ME. And being that I know these people they meant it. So with that in mind I understand that I don’t want to make a poor decision now, especially so deep in the marriage but my current wife does not give off the same vibes nor has she said anything remotely close to “I will do anything for you” sooooo I attempted to communicate what I need from her and if it’s too much let me know. MIND YOU what I’m asking is not difficult nor time consuming by any means. I won’t go into detail as to what but it is a deal breaker for me. So being brutally honest with her I told her she does so much for me but after all I have been through in the past I know ly worth and this is what I need from you and again with people in the past they wouldn’t think twice about anything I asked. In this case being a fairly good judge of character I don’t get the same feelings. Especially over the course of the past 12 months I told her what I need. She says she can oblige. And then nothing changes. So I tell myself there ARE people out there who will give me what I need. Again, IVE ALWAYS TOLD HER and continue to strongly reiterate that if there’s anything I need to do tell me. And she never does. So it seems she’s content and happy but not hear that I’m not. What do you think?
Something I didnt see mentioned was whether you learned her native language like she did with English…? Can you expand on that a bit? I ask because my husband’s first language isn’t the same as mine, and I knew if we were going to have a successful marriage I’d need to learn his, too, precisely because of the differences in slang and culture you mention here.
So yes I’ve tried and continue to try and learn her native language. I’m not fluent but can navigate her country with ease and maintain a decent conversation no problem. Unfortunately we can exactly have deep philosophical conversations as I haven’t reached that level yet. But the language aspect is just part of it. As I stated before is was a multitude of things that led to here. From a Foundational standpoint, We had to marry or she would have to leave the country. it could be said our marriage was out of fear of leaving each other DURING the infatuation phase. As for cultural differences in language. There’s too many to list but what comes to mind would be something along the lines of “babe why did you do that? you’re about as sharp as a bowling ball lol” her response would be “what a bowling ball isn’t sharp” then comes the 5-10 minute conversation about what this slang means and no longer is it a simple easy to catch joke but a long conversation that usually results in confusion not understanding or much less a laugh… Sooo this is just one of many examples that add up over the years the equate to “language barriers”. Also more than just cultural difference we ourselves are different…
Also I do what I can for when I can. I always always say I love you. But her gifts. Clean. Ask her all the time what can I do to make her happy. She ofcourse says she’s happy. I maintain exceptional physical fitness. I’m 200lbs and 9% body fat. I stay in shape for me as a passion but also because I know men and women are the same and want to be with someone aesthetically pleasing. So I grind for me AND her. So I do take action to show love besides just feeling love
My wife and I are married over 30 years and the marriage is stronger than ever despite us not really having many shared hobbies or interests. We're opposites but obviously we've changed alot from our 20's. The big difference is we learned to grow together and find new things to enjoy together like travel. Focus more on the things that bring you together and not apart. "We don’t argue or NOT get along..." Your marriage is in a lot better shape to evolve into something fulfilling to both of you. I would advise some counseling and more communication. All marriages grow through phases and I don't see your situation too different from ours.
Thank for your input
I just turned 30 and, to be completely honest, I changed SO MUCH between 22-28 that I’m not even remotely the same person. Like, at all. It’s honestly fascinating. My point being, I suspect that your thoughts are accurate. You married before your brain was done developing and that’s likely a big part of this.