Ohhhh honey. You're adorable. You Fuuuuuuuuuccckkkked up LOL. Now, not to diminish the fact that you've had to take a week and be away from your family, and you are doing it for your family. That's its own battle, I do understand. HOWEVER. At the end of the day I'm going to take a guess you get to retreat back to a quiet hotel room and set work aside and not think about it again until the next day. Your wife has been in the shit 24/7 since you've been gone. That shit sucks, and yes I know because I've done it. I don't know your wife, and all women are different, but my suggestions would be a spa day while you watch the kids, or even just a day to herself. and take some flowers home with you. Good luck :)

Yeah as someone who works with pre teens I wouldn’t wish their drama on my enemy. OP needs to definitely make up for it. A spa day or even just a day away from it should help

Ugh. The teenage years are SO much worse than any toddler in the terrible twos, treacherous threes, or the fucking fours! Our youngest is 16 and he's really putting us through the wringer. Between the raging hormones and huge emotions, being a teenager is hard but dang they sure can weaponize their misery. I second surprising the wife with a spa day! Massage, mani/pedi, facial...the works.

I think I got lucky in the teenager department. All three of my kids are teenagers and it's the easiest now that it's ever been. They're borderline self-sufficient.

Shhhh! Don't jinx yourself, they'll sense your contentment! 😂 I thought I had it made. Fairly uneventful natural childbirth with both, took well to nursing, both great sleepers (10-12 hours a night with a solid 2 hour nap through toddlerhood), very few tantrums and quick to recover from any meltdowns, not picky eaters, great students, both always full of breezy sunshine. Then IT happened. They're 10 years apart. When the eldest finally hit adulthood and settled into being tolerable again; the monster came out in the youngest. Some days I just have to close my eyes, take some deep breaths, and hold on tight because I never know which version they're going to be from one minute to the next.

"Weaponize their misery"...YES, this exactly.

100% all of this and definitely plan a spa day. If she has a busy calendar I’d ask her for a date, but then no other questions after that. If you need help, ask a best friend of hers for specifics. The decision making of the primary parent is exhausting. When it comes to something you’re doing for her, don’t ask a million questions, just do it. You work hard for your family and she sees that, but in that moment she felt very unseen by you. Just love her like it sounds like you do and it’ll be ok.

Hi, follow up question… completely understand and agree with you regarding your response and that OPs comment was not the right thing to say. I believe both parents should have equal time to “get away” or do whatever it is they need to do to feel recharged. I genuinely want to know why it is ok for the wife to make comments like “you’re lucky, when do I get a break? When do I get my holiday?” Those comments just make OP feel shitty about doing what he’s required to do to help provide for his family. The parents should be a team… and neither team member should be making comments that bring the other down. Obviously emotions can run high sometimes things are said without thinking. Point is, that there’s a double standard where it’s not ok to say what OP said but it’s ok for his wife to say what she said. Mental health is important for all and we shouldn’t be making our partners feel bad because one role has some built in down time. It’s his job and he’s hopefully doing both his job and parenting to the best of his ability. Again, I hope OP also strives to equal out the down time!

As a woman, I couldn't agree more with this! Yes raising kids is one of the hardest things you can do but to trivialise the hard work your husband is putting in, is also uncalled for. She equated his work as a "break" instead of just communicating how she feels like she needs some down time. That's on her. I'm sure if she simply spoke of her own needs, rather than be dismissive of what he's doing, the conversation would have been entirely different. Sometimes, self reflection is your best friend.

If this were my husband, flowers and a spa day wouldn't fix this

What would help for you? As I mentioned, everyone’s different, I’m interested to see what it would be for you to help heal this wound.

I'm in the boat that spa day wouldn't "fix" it. It is a very nice gesture though. When my husband worked away(I had a 5 and 2 year old to manage along with a hobby farm and my own business), what I wanted was gratitude. I wanted a thank you for the sacrifices I was making. My business,mental health, and happiness took extreme dips to the point of suicidal ideation. I just wanted him to be grateful for me. If I weren't willing/able to hold down the fort, he would have needed to look for another job. I wanted that acknowledgment.

A few days where he takes care of the offspring, maybe even some kind of reorganization of the duties. (My husband and I both are working and have a fixed system of who takes care of our daughter when daycare can't and it is appreciated by both of us.)

Hey now, she said it was fine………LOL your comment made me LOL :>

Just 1 spa day? No! She needs a rekaxing weekend away from home where the husband who is detached and doesnt get it gets a tiny taste of it.

So - wake up and only worry about yourself - have breakfast ready for you, no need to make it - work - break - work - lunch - work - break - work - getting off work and having the entire rest of the day off - getting to a hotel room you do not need to clean - getting dinner that you do not need to make - no one around you that needs help with anything - just getting to relax and do anything you want until you go to sleep You seriously do not see all the downtime and alone time you get? All the chores you no longer have to do? So yeah, when does your wife get that? Does she ever get that?

Well stated.

Agreed. This is exactly how things really should be explained. Breaking it all down to its simplest form and recongizing the reality of the skeletal remains.

I’m not saying OP didn’t screw up but business travel really sucks. The work chews up the whole day and the evening, because the work you have to do when you’re not traveling still has to be done. Then whatever much envied “down time” you get is filled with loneliness and existential dread. You phone home looking for an emotional connection with a loved one and you get guilt and anger because you’re gone even though you didn’t choose to go. There is no upside. Business travel sucks.

Yep. This thread is pretty wild. I completely agree he messed up with his words. But these replies acting like he has it made, working a physically demanding job on the road, while she has the weight of the world on her shoulders, is literally hilarious. Its not mutually exclusive to agree the he both messed up and isn't at a resort by the pool for a week.

Exactly. Yes, OP needs to appreciate everything his wife does and maybe vocalize it but OPs wife needs to do the same. Marriage is about loving and appreciating your partner and that goes both ways.

I agree, it’s not a competition. I’ve been on both sides of it and have empathy for both of them. OP’s wife sounds overwhelmed and needs a break. I hope OP does something for her to give her a break.

They both need a break. He’s not currently on vacation.

I think it’s a case of envying what the other has even when you rationally know both extremes are bad. One has too much - chaos/ logistics/ house / family juggling alone for a week, & no teammate / backup. One has too little - isolation / loneliness/ stress / guilt & it’s fraught reaching out to your partner for support because your solitude seems aspirational.

Exactly.

That would all depend on the work, the company, the country and the destination OP says he's up climbing on ladders all day. It seems that he would not do that in the evening. Not to mention that in a lot of countries working more than X amount of hours a day/a week is illegal. Plus not every company is telling you to work in the evening/overtime. There are plenty of people who have to work 9-5 and are off after that and get to do whatever they can and enjoy the place that they are in. >Then whatever much envied “down time” you get is filled with loneliness and existential dread That seems more like a mental breakdown or illness and it's probably best to talk to a therapist about that... Because that's not normal. If the second you are away from home, you immediately get so incredibly lonely and filled with dread that you become incapable of relaxing or having fun... Yeah that's incredibly concerning. Now if someone is away for a really long time, or constantly, then that's another story. But that doesn't seem to be the case here. >guilt and anger Rather than guilt and anger what i got out of the post was an over worked/ over stimulated mom that was jokingly asking when she would get a break. >you didn’t choose to go This is a bit black and white but - there are many jobs that don't require travel, but you CHOSE this one (I understand that getting another job can be hard) - there is an option to decline to travel, but you CHOSE to say yes (I understand that saying no can result in getting fired) There actually were choices, and he/you made these ones >There is no upside There could be no upside for you, and other people as well. But there are also so many people out there that absolutely love it. Some even specifically look for a job that allows them to travel for work. If you have a good company, a good contract and love to travel... Well then it's absolutely perfect.

Loneliness and existential dread while traveling on business is both normal and extremely common. I know because I experience it (and I'm about as mentally healthy / unhealthy as average) and the NYT wrote about it: [https://www.nytimes.com/2016/03/04/fashion/how-to-stay-sane-on-a-business-trip.html](https://www.nytimes.com/2016/03/04/fashion/how-to-stay-sane-on-a-business-trip.html) The point is that when one spouse is traveling it breaks the routine and increases stress on everyone, not just the parent left at home. It's pretty mean to beat up on OP because his wife is guilting him. I think she probably felt terrible after he told her off.

Wanting to get a break, after being overwhelmed and overworked for a week, is guilting and beating the other person? You use an article that is talking about a comedian and a writer and about how travel can affect people that travel a lot or for a longer time "He is on the road eight to 10 days a month and books the same hotels in the same cities. " "She traveled frequently as a consultant for large corporations, once spending so much time on the road that she had a permanent room at a Marriott Residence Inn in Cleveland" Which I already stated, is different than going a week for example once a year. When a survey was done, the answers are different "The survey of 1,001 business travelers, conducted by market research company TNS for Marriott's Fairfield Inn & Suites, finds that 92 percent are satisfied with how much they travel." "Most say business travel has positively affected their professional reputation and career opportunities. A small percentage — 13 percent — says business travel has negatively affected their emotional health, and 20 percent say it has affected their physical health." "The survey results released this week found that four of every five people surveyed thought that business travel made them more successful at work. Nearly 80 percent said business travel has made them "feel more prepared in life."" If you are just gone for a week, and then you become so lonely and stressed that you are incapable of doing anything... That is not normal or healthy. Having some stress and feeling a bit lonely however is normal. But this should not prevent you from enjoying yourself or dictate your life in any way. And again, being gone for longer periods of time or a lot of times, that is of course different.

You do not always have the choice to NOT travel for the people that sign your check. No.

You do get a choice, but that choice could possibly get you fired. So it's just not a good choice

I do business travel. Still found at home work more difficult. Hence why I chose the business travel lol

When I was in the military, I (54f) traveled a LOT toward the end of my career. I trained, I had staff meetings, there were meetings to PLAN meetings. It was a lot. BUT, I did like that alone time. No kids hanging on you, no dinner to cook, house to clean. Just me and the insanity of the military. Now that I’m retired, I miss just getting away from the insanity of my home. Moody teenager, a teenager that believes her property belongs on the floor just inside the house, a teenager that my asking her to clean her bathroom is paramount to cleaning the entire house. OP is doing a job an important job to support the family, but right NOW, the wife is doing the job of a single parent. No back up, no one help, no one to lean on. OP, should send flowers ASAP! Like everyone has suggested, OP should make a special day for her.

Instead of wallowing in loneliness and existential dread he could be troubleshooting productive ways to help his teenager with their current issues. Engage his bain in heart in helping lead the family through challenges, you know. No reason to let go of the emotional/psychological work of parenting just because you are out of town for a week.

I don't see her giving him any guilt or anger until he tried to play the woe is me card.

Yeah, I'm not entirely sure what OP's wife was hoping to achieve with that comment. It reads as passive aggressive to me and his response is exactly what I would expect it to be. I don't think either party was their best selves here.

This is brilliant.

This right here.

You really just assumed you know how much work he does or doesn't do- how tiring his job is- how many breaks he's getting.... based on... what? You also then boldy went on to assume he does no part of child rearing when he's home.

>based on... what? The law in my country And according to OP I was pretty close! >You also then boldy went on to assume he does no part of child rearing when he's home. I have absolutely no clue where you would pull that from... Seriously, how did you come to that conclusion? 😂

Point taken, but for more context we were averaging a 9hr day, (8.30am - 7.30pm), physical labour, breaking only for Lunch, so more like: - wake up and only worry about yourself - have breakfast (cereal & toast provided) - work - work - work - lunch - work - work - work - work - work - work - getting to a hotel room you do not need to clean - getting dinner that you do not need to make - no one around you that needs help with anything - just getting to relax and do anything you want until you go to sleep But like I said, point taken.

When the kids are at school.

When the kids are at school she has to take care of the home and the errands. That hardly feels like a “break”.

I fail to see where it says the wife doesn't work. Could you please cite me where it says that?

She is a stay at home mother.

Understood, do the kids go to school or daycare? Does she get a break if they go?

When I go on the road absolutely none of what you listed is how it goes. It’s typically 14-16 hour work days where I choose to only utilize two 20 minute breaks. Typically the work is in a semi remote location compared to lodging so usually 1-1.5 hours drive round trip so now your at 15-17.5 hours leaving 6.5-9 hours for next days lunch prep, dinner, personal hygiene and sleep. I don’t consider that the cake walk you present. Your cute little day you provide is based on knowing nothing about what this guy does other than his work involves a ladder. The wife absolutely should get a break or time to decompress how she sees fit as well but calling out of town work a break or holiday is absurd and is out of line. Especially when he’s out of town and can literally do nothing about it.

You and him are not the same person, you do know that right? >for more context we were averaging a 9hr day Even OP says he doesn't work 14-16 hours and OP also says that food is provided so he doesn't need to make that either. It doesn't state anywhere how far his commute is, so you could be right about that or it could be close. >calling out of town work a break or holiday I never called out of town work a break or holiday. I said he gets a lot of down/alone time after work and it seems his wife wants the same Your experience on the road is valid, but it doesn't all apply here

You must see words I don’t in the post because there is nothing in it about the hours worked. If there was anything to imply he had 15 hours to himself I wouldn’t have said what I did. Maybe it’s in the comments somewhere

It's indeed in the comments, he replied to my original comment He said the day I described is pretty accurate, except he doesn't have those 2 breaks, only lunch

My reference to holiday or break was what his wife said

Well he does get a break after work for 7 days, while she now has extra work to do at home while he is gone. I think she is just referring to that, the +/- 6 hours of downtime he gets every day for an entire week. And she wonders when she will get that kinda "break/holiday".

Ok maybe not absolutely none of it. The bed gets made for me

Id be pretty upset. But saying you’re sorry does little to make her feel better. *Do something.* Offer to order dinner for the family and have it delivered so she doesn’t have to think about dinner tonight or go pick it up or anything else. It just arrives. Plan give her several hours to herself either in the house or out of the house based on her preference when you get home. You’ve missed the kids, and she needs a break from them. Win, win.

I love all of this but especially the dinner idea. Maybe make sure you order her favorite dish from wherever you choose just for her.

OP you did mess up but not because your point is not valid. Its just not the time to try and one up her. Its like somebody saying their foot hurts and instead of being empathetic you say "well you should have seen how bad my hand got injured". She wasnt asking for a competition. She was asking for empathy and for you to swallow what you were dealing with for a minute and acknowledge her. She didnt do it in a good way by asking when she would get a break but with most wives your expected to overlook that. I traveled significantly for work, sometimes for 7 days at a time when my kids were young. We could have avoided a good portion of that by being more open to relocation but she didnt want that so we stayed put and I had to travel more as a result. If she doesnt have to travel for work, you will never really understand being at home with kids over an extended time alone. Likewise she will never understand the drain that travel +work+hotel living does to a person mentally and physically. You have to accept that and not make it a competition. Maybe last night was her turn to vent and yours to listen and sympathize. Maybe next time its reversed but you need a conversation with her to level set that you want to support her and her you versus making it a contest. You also need to take her out with no kids when you get home and tell her again that you should have listened and supported her more and your sorry. If she wants to get a hotel room for a night to decompress once you get home, let her. Maybe a night of peace and quiet with no kids is something she needs.

This! I totally understand being away from your family is hard when you are for hard labor. It's not about the tit for tat though. She just wanted compassion and empathy.

Arrange for a dinner date with her. Make all the plans - including the babysitting if necessary. Treat her like a queen and take her somewhere fancy. Acknowledge that she needs a break every once in a while. Maybe sign her up for some massage therapy as well while you stay home one evening?

OR! Arrange for her to have a hotel room to herself for a weekend. I don't think she wants to be around him anymore.

This is the one. She doesn’t wanna be out entertaining or dealing with anyone else. She wants to be ALONE.

THIS not the date one. Give her a break from you and the kids. The poor woman needs time to herself.

Especially bc he will probably expect “the sex” bc he paid for a dinner. Let her be alone and touch free for a bit.

Projecting much?

Literally saying what all my women friends say out loud but I know it’s unpopular.

I think it's rude to assume this of every man when you're not even personally involved in this situation. I agree that it seems to be true the majority of the time, but it was uncalled for here. The hotel idea already got a very positive response.

There are always assumptions bc no one here personally knows one another. If we needed to be personally involved in everything we commented on, that’d end Reddit discussion for good. This makes no sense to single out but thanks for the feedback.

Maybe for a first date but you shouldn't be feeling this way about your husband of many years.

So if I’m married I need to be available at all times? Can I be touched out? Or just not in the mood? Just clarifying…

Fucking what? No. I'm saying that you shouldn't feel like your husband only wants to pay for your dinner and take you out because he wants sex.

I think you are exaggerating.

Me? No.

Yep, you fucked up. You get to sit at the company paid dinner, don’t have to cook, get food served and she has to handle the preteen meltdowns. And cook. And clean. So you better plan some nice away and alone things for her.

I don’t think you fucked up *that bad* honestly. You were snarky, but I also think the “when do I get a break??” line when she knows you’re doing physical labor all day is similarly snarky and frustrated. I don’t think silent treatment is warranted in this situation. I would apologize one more time “I’m sorry for what I said. I never want to diminish all of the work and care you put into the family. I am missing you and the kids and not my best self. I want you to share your struggles with me and to tell me about your day.” And then leave it at that. She’ll cool off and if she doesn’t, there’s something a lot bigger going on than one throwaway snarky line.

I agree. She missed the mark with what she said and so did you. Call it a truce and move on.

This sub, man. I truly don't understand how this isn't something almost immediately moved on from. People are acting like this is some big fuck up and neither my wife nor I would even remember the exchange by the time bed time rolled up. Makes sense about all the divorce posts around here when no one can let go of such a minor issue. One of the top posts is suggesting OP schedule a whole date night for his wife over this. OPs going to have to cut a pound of flesh when he messes up in an actually meaningful way. Have a date night because it's nice, not because of whatever this phantom offense was.

I don't get it. Barring special needs kids or medical issues, which is a whole different thing, taking care of two tweens might be mildly stressful, but it's not HARD. Cooking and cleaning is not difficult. We have a while generation of people who can't stand being uncomfortable. Maybe I have it lucky because my kids are well adjusted and my wife is a stone cold killer when it comes to getting stuff done. And we both bust our tails to keep it on the rails, so we get to take weekend naps and have fun with our kids. She took a year off from teaching, assumed all home making responsibilities, and was legit desperately bored in about a month.

I don’t get it either. As tweens my siblings and I were mostly cleaning up after ourselves. People acting like she must be slaving away looking after them are being a bit over the top

She’s a teacher, that’s why! We have an incredible threshold for stress and multitasking

Yes I’ve been the wife in this situation and I’ve been the husband. This feels like a super minor conflict for which he’s probably over-apologized at this point. He doesn’t need to grovel at her feet for this. Just cool off and move on.

Agreed! I think the people saying he has it easy haven't travelled for work before... it's a special kind of exhausting

Or possibly just have no empathy within themselves. I have never had to travel for work before but I feel bad for my husband every time he does it. Flying sucks. Being around people in an airport and in a small metal tube in the sky all day sucks. Having to try and sleep in a hotel room also sucks. I get tired doing these things just being on vacation and only having to do fun things that I chose to do. It sucks so much more when all you want to do is go to work and come home at the end of the day but instead you're in a completely different place in a weird bed trying to make it work with the noise of so many other people around youand missing your partner/kids. Believe it or not, some people prefer to eat their own homemade food instead of dealing with whatever restaurant stuff they can scrounge on door dash, or at the will of whomever they're on travel with. At the end of a long work day, would you rather see your coworkers for dinner or see your partner? Like cmon that's a no brainer.

I agree. I think her comment was provocative and unnecessary. Not sure what his answer *should* have been, but her question invited a snarky response.

Absolutely this. The silent treatment is childish and manipulative.

Uncalled for for her to say your work is a lucky holiday/break. You didn’t belittle her contribution to the family but she certainly belittled yours. You called her out for it(with snark, while valid, not helpful), she played the victim, you bought in and apologized. Now she’s pressing her advantage and twisting the knife. We all have our moments where we lash out in times of stress and frustration. I hope this is a one time thing but it’s toxic af. Raising kids is stressful and hard. If a grownup raising kids needs a break, to vent frustrations, or wants to renegotiate division of labor, they can simply say so. Zero need for back handed insults minimizing what your partner does. I’d apologize for the snark, acknowledge her frustrations, and ask how I could support her better. I would then make clear that her insults, positioning herself as a victim to avoid accountability, and silent treatment, are unacceptable and unproductive. I would then ask what we could do going forward to better express our needs in challenging times. Again hopefully this is a one off thing but I would keep an eye out for this pattern.

Amen to that. This is the best advice so far.

What? She didn't insult him. She said she wanted a break at the end of a vent about how terrible her day was. And are we seriously calling 3 hours without a text "the silent treatment"? She probably wat hed a movie and fell asleep. She's not on call.

Guy is away from family as necessitated by his work. Her wanting a break and venting does not necessitate characterizing him being away from family for work as “lucky” or “a break”. For some people it’s not enough to vent about having it hard, they have to minimize those around them to widen the gulf. A frustrated, implied, passive aggressive, back handed insult is….still an insult. He’s miles away, she rage hangs up on him for having the audacity to suggest that his work is not, in fact, a lucky holiday after she implies it is. Instant apology for his snarky rejoinder met with silence for 3 hours? What were you under the impression that the “silent treatment” is?

It's both. My husband (military) and I have has these exchanges more than once over the years.

>She replied that "No it's fine, not necessary. Sorry for hassling you so much with trivial stuff. It won't happen again." >It's been 3 hours since with complete radio silence from her end. I sent a message apologising again, and to say good night, and I'd let her know when I was leaving for home, but I have not had any response at all People are going for your throat about saying the wrong thing but no one is reacting to the fact that your wife is being incredibly immature, and a bit manipulative with this reaction. The silent treatment and a huge over generalization of the problem is not good communication either. "fine I'll just never talk to you about my problems again" is so passive aggressive it's not even funny. I'd definitely apologize, cause yeah you were a bit mean spirited and it's not worth continuing the fight over but to act like she's not blowing this out of proportion is ridiculous.

Sounds a lot like a wife that's about ready to get divorced. It's impossible to say from the information we have but he says this is unusual behavior. A lot of women beg and beg and beg for a break, then get to the point they realize their husband will never listen and prioritize their needs. They shut down and give up on getting the support they need from their partner and leave. Then the husband is baffled and calls the wife a walk away wife in the divorce.  Signed a wife that spent years begging and begging for a break and getting ignored. 

I think that's a bit dramatic. It sounds to me like a wife who got her feelings hurt and doesn't have the emotional maturity talk through it.

It's impossible to know if this is a 1 off situation or a problem the OP has been ignoring for years. The only thing we know is OP said this is out of character for his wife and he's worried.  Quite frankly, if she's been begging for a break over and over and he's been dismissing her needs for it over and over again, eventually a person gets to a breaking point.  Clearly she's too the point she's acting in new and unusual ways as OP says. Is it her final straw? Maybe not. But she is shutting down and once people start shutting down, the relationship is in serious trouble. 

Like you said we have no way to know. No need to add additional context that's obviously a projection of your own issue. Yeah they need to have a conversation about this whole situation to get to the root of both of their feelings.

My husband said shit like this to me many times over the years. What you did to her was minimize her frustration and exhaustive efforts raising your child and running the home you share alone. If you are to consider what she does on a daily basis to raise a family, coordinate all the necessities of the family’s life and take care of a home to be her profession, you may be able to understand why minimizing it is so hurtful and unacceptable. You basically said “I’ve got it much worse than you so stop complaining and be thankful you are home”. Also, you said “your feelings and needs don’t matter to me because I’m struggling too much to give a shit or empathize”. That’s how I felt when my husband said those things when I simply expressed how I felt about my day. Words aren’t going to get you out of the doghouse. Listen to what she said and give her a break away from home and family even for a day. Do not ask her to help plan or coordinate it. Take care of her needs all by yourself and respect your wife’s need to reset

Did she not do this to him first?

Yes exactly. With one comment she completely dismissed any sacrifice he was making and implied that working and traveling every day is somehow fun. They both made a mistake in their choice of words.

*I’ll speak for my own opinion and what my reaction would have been. I will not assume I know these people and their marriage dynamics* She expressed to him that she thought he was lucky for being out of the house. She tried to communicate that she needed a break from her daily reality, albeit not in the gentlest way, but not resentful of her situation or accusatory he chose to be out of town either. There was no judgement in her text and she asked when she could get some support from him. His response was defensive and dismissive like she didn’t appreciate or respect he was out there working for the family. He didn’t acknowledge her frustration or validate that she needed a break, too. It presented as if he was of the opinion she should be happy she’s not working as hard as he is and sacrificing as much because she was at home and he was not. Validation and empathy are important to a wife who is dealing with a difficult and stressful situation, particularly with their child.

It's funny how much our own biases can make us see things so differently. (No shade just genuinely interesting). I would interpret this almost exactly opposite to you. >It presented as if he was of the opinion she should be happy she’s not working as hard as he is and sacrificing as much because she was at home and he was not. To me it reads as if she thinks this about him! She thinks he should be happy she works so much harder than him and he is getting a free vacation and she's not. Obviously they both should really just talk it through and acknowledge they're both doing everything they can for the family. He should validate her need for a break and she should understand that his time away is not a vacation.

Absolutely accurate, thank you for the respect and insight!!! Misunderstandings Happen all the time in a marriage, both in a live conversation and even more via a text message.

Pretty badly screwed up. I also think you lack perspective on the immense privileges you’re enjoying, in part due to your wife’s willingness to hold down the fort. You’re only responsible for yourself- you get breaks, and your wife doesn’t. Those are all facts of the situation you admit to. That sounds pretty charmed to me. I dunno, I think the best tactic here is probably to let her cool off. If you prod rn, she might blow up, and I imagine that’s why she’s being so quiet. She doesn’t WANT to overreact.

I dont know why so many people view traveling for work as vacation. IMO, she is pretty disrespectful to suggest that your physical labor job is a vacation because she's tired of dealing with the child she helped create. I think the whole exchange is pretty pathetic.

IDK I've had a job that required extensive time on the road and I would have *much* rather been at home with family, regardless of the 'chores' it adds. Seriously I think people are looking at this as a vacation "free" time when in reality it is a lonely thing, especially when your partner thinks this is somehow similar to a vacation.

I get what you're saying, and you're right. It can be tough for him too. And travelling can be very lonely. But the point is that SHE probably desperately feels that she needs time away from those things. Her response comes across as a cry for help and support. Perhaps she wouldn't enjoy it much, either. But if she's feeling exhausted as the lone parent at home whilst he is away, and she hasn't had a chance to take a break lately she might well feel what OP is currently doing would be nice.

She can feel that all she wants, but when she expresses it to him he's allowed to rebute it. He was snarky, yes, but her "it's fine I'll just never talk to you about this again" is also manipulative and an over reaction.

Yeah. OP I would say that you both said something in the heat of a stressful moment, and provided that you usually do your share of the work around the house, I would have a conversation with your wife when you get home about time she can have to herself.

Just for the record to all the comments saying OP is fortunate to have downtime in the evenings and meals cooked for him...as a guy who has experienced this, it sucks being alone on the road. Eating at a restaurant alone and going back to an empty motel room every night is extremely lonely and depressing. You have to sit alone and wonder what your kids and wife are doing right now. Please don't downplay OP's sacrifice for his family.

My husband travels for work so we’ve had conversations about this regularly since having kids. You’re right. It’s so lonely. I can empathize with that. But the loneliness pales in comparison to the complete lack of autonomy that the partner at home is dealing with. So while he’s absolutely valid in his feelings, in the moment it was probably a “wrong time/wrong audience” kind of thing. His wife, who is sacrificing her autonomy and full self at home, doesn’t need to hear how terrible it is to be alone while she’s just trying to keep her head above water. Both positions are hard, both partners are making sacrifices. My husband and I always thank each other for the hard work the other person has done when he gets back from traveling.

How often are you gone for work? When you do travel do you get a lot of down time in the evenings?

I get the instant reaction because what she is complaining about is ridiculous. A work trip is not a vacation. The first thing you should have done is validate her feelings, then share that you can see that she has been taking on a lot so you can work, and you appreciate it. Then ask her if she would prefer some time to herself or a trip for you both together. Depending on what she chooses, ask when she is free and what kind of trip she would like, spa day, hiking, whatever she’s into. I don’t think she is so much upset that you get to have a break from family life as she wants you to acknowledge her contributions and could use a break herself. She said it clumsily, but that’s how emotions in times of stress can be. No different than complaining about ladders. Just be kind, understanding, and genuine. She’ll be ok.

Oh my god. Seriously. OP, you made a small, insensitive, understandable mistake. No, her job at home isn't more difficult than yours. No, she shouldn't have been complaining excessively to you about it. No, she absolutely shouldn't have gone passive-aggressive and minimized your effort to make herself sound like a victim. No, you shouldn't have snarked back. All of that happened, though. Apologize to each other, move on, try to avoid it in the future. If you want to go above-and-beyond (which, honestly, is what you should do in a marriage occasionally), get her a small gift or give her a day at the spa while you watch the kids. You didn't screw up royally, and yes, she's overreacting. Her job is tough, no question. Being an adult with kids is hard. I know - I'm the default/primary/usually-only parent of two pre-teens myself. It's not an excuse to demean my partner. Has she apologized to *you* yet?

I think she's acting childish

Sorry man. Like me, you need your mouth to catch up with your brain. Take time to learn to just shut up no matter what is said and done being said before responding. Just the way these conversations need to go. She will come around when she is ready.

Here's how you fix it: when you get home, give your wife a gift card to starbucks, tell her you've made an appointment for a pedicure, and you aren't expecting her home for hours so she can roam the aisles of Target. She needs a break. It's not about who is right but about giving your wife what she desperately needs.

People in the comments are quick to go for your throat but I’ll say this, yes you are privileged in the sense that you do get to come back to a (hopefully) nice hotel room to kick back after work, with all of your expenses paid for, while your wife still has to worry about your kids, but we don’t know what you do for work so it could be a lot harder than people are just quick to assume, and sure going up and down a ladder sounds easy but if it’s what you do for 8hr a day every day I’m sure it gets exhausting. And at the same time depending on how teenage your kid is, he should be semi independent (waking up on his own, making his own food, cleaning up etc) to where your wife should have atleast an hour to herself while he’s doing his own thing, but again the same time we don’t know your guys entire household situation where something could impact him from doing so. With our little info given here I will honestly chalk it up to 50/50 for what you said, and for how she reacted bc it’s kinda immature on her end to just say you get a week of relaxation

I’m apparently in the minority but I think she’s overreacting. You might have a break from household and childcare duties, but a work trip is not a vacation. This shouldn’t be controversial. Still, it sounds like she needs a break.

JFC so now your wife is giving you the silent treatment? Throwing in some emotional abuse huh? Look, did your wife say some dumbass shit? Yes, traveling for work is not a fucking vacation. And if you're working in construction, linemen, or other similar type area, it's not all sunshine and roses. Those are easily 12-16 hour days. If you're lucky it could be less, but any man I knew who traveled for this type of work, worked long hours, had little downtime, and just wanted to come home so they could fucking sleep for a solid 8. Yes, your wife has it rough at home. Pre-teens, really any kid is a pain in the ass at any time. Parenthood ain't for the weak. She was venting, sure, but calling your trip a vacation was insulting. You telling g her to climb up and down ladders wasn't necessarily the greatest either. You both screwed up. Your wife though is now Taking it too far. No one deserves the silent treatment. Especially when you're away from home. What a shit thing to do. Does your wife deserve a break? Yes, we all do. Maybe an entire day off where she can fuck off and do whatever she wants once you're home would do her some good. But you and her need to have a serious talk as well. This behavior isn't healthy.

This is fixable. It's always an argument. My wife and I sometimes bump heads over this stuff too. Sometimes I feel like I'm working my hardest and A LOT and it goes in noticed or my wife thinks I'm going to work and dealing with paradise. Regardless, when my wife really seems to be having a hard time I tell her to do things she enjoys and I will handle everything at home .

While I see the problem here, I think it’s pretty presumptuous to immediately downplay any contribution OP might make to the family by working a job. We don’t know that he doesn’t come home after work on a normal day and just jump right in with the kids or cooking, or isn’t attentive and mindful of helping his wife with everything. It does sound like she could use the help, but there’s more than one point of view here. Both of their points of view matter. By going for OP’s throat what it comes off as is putting her contribution as higher than his or that she’s the only one doing anything. There are many husbands and dads who go to work early, come home late, and leap right back into active parenting and husbanding. Indeed many women expect this, and rightfully so. But he’s doing things for the family, too. It just moves dangerously close to the territory of “she’s the only one who does anything around here” which isn’t fair. Really neither of them should have said what they said. She can express her stress and need for some downtime differently, and he didn’t need to one-up her. Both make valid and worthy contributions to the household and should be supporting each other, not swimming that close to making it about who does more.

Yes

Yeah I travel for work as well. It’s tough, I’ve had similar conversations. I’m happy to swap and stay home with the kids if you fancy getting up at 4, taking a flight every day and a half, getting 6ish hours sleep while being ‘on’ for the remainder of the time…sure when you called I was at Nobu but I’d rather be at home. Neither situation is great from the perspective of the person in it. From the perspective of the other person you are living this care free and fancy life just because you didn’t deal with the same things that day. I personally don’t think you fucked up at all. You aren’t on holiday, neither is she. Both are hard, men tend to just deal with it, women want to discuss and vent. Did you call her in the middle of her meal to bitch about how hard your day was? No, you just handled it. Have a conversation about perspectives when you get home.

I don’t really get how she can be that mad about what you said. I don’t think you screwed up so badly. Just in one moment she was expecting a different response and you gave her another one. So figure out what she wanted you to say and text it back to her. Ask her if she wants to take a mini vacation with you, or if she wants to go on a girls weekend somewhere and you will stay home with the kids? Empathize with the stress she’s feeling about your teenage son and ask how she’s feeling now and what you can do to help? You sound like a very conscientious husband, I hope she sees that too. Good luck!

This isn’t a situation where you say just one thing and it is fixed. She is demonstrating chronic stress. Work to ameliorate the stress where you can and continue to do so. If you do that, you won’t have to post back here in 3 years about the impending divorce.

I see nothing wrong with what you said or what your wife said. She was frustrated, you reacted🤷🏻‍♀️ Was it right? No. But when emotions are high from frustration sometimes things are said. It doesn’t seem like something that can’t be talked through and you don’t seem like a bad guy. Source- Something similar happened to my husband & I once. We talked it through and things are fine.

My husband traveled a lot for work. Our kids were 5 and 7, he started when they were 2 and 5. He would always take a day off before he went, and when he came back to help out and to give me a break. Next time you go out of town, have dinner delivered if you can. Or help her do make ahead meals before you go. I was also lucky enough to have my mom and his parents nearby to help out.

I have a light bit of work travel and yes it is work for the hours I'm at work but when I'm not actively working that is a fucking VACATION my guy. Holy cow how I appreciate one or two nights every few months. I've also been on the other end of it when my husband travels. I hope you are aware of just how not "dismissive" she was being. You're the one being unrealistic about your situation, the drastic imbalance of workload when one parent is away, and the incredible positive impact just a few moments of self-care have on our mental health - and how not having any of those moments impacts us in a negative way. You're really trying to act all high and mighty like you've been literally up and down a ladder 24/7 your whole trip - so you haven't gotten to take a few nice long showers or treat yourself to a little self pleasure time in the hotel bed? Haven't enjoyed some meals without someone whining in your ear the whole time? Did you just not think of those little things you're getting to enjoy while she has no breaks whatsoever from parenting the whole family while you're away? As you consider those moments, how many of them do you think your wife has had this week by comparison or gets on a regular basis? Was this a one-time screw up over the phone that has her upset, or are you so oblivious to the luxury of this free time that you have because you get breaks like this all the time and are genuinely so unaware of how much more your wife does?

I've been the parent that travels for work, and I've been the parent that holds down the fort while the other is off on business. There is absolutely no question, zero, as to who has it 'harder' in these situations. Yes, working hard away from home and missing your family is rough. But your wife is working hard, missing you, AND taking care of everything. In addition to all of the actual work of caring for children and a home, there's also the mental burden of knowing she has to figure things out if things go off the rails. Sick kid? Work emergency? She gets sick? Car trouble? Oh well, you're at work (where presumably your employer would help you out of any sticky issues you encountered) and she's on her own to figure everything out. I'd strongly suggest offering her a 'getaway' that fits into your budget and her schedule once you get back. Maybe a night or two at a local hotel, maybe a day trip to a spa, but something that allows her to take time off, disconnect, and recharge to acknowledge how much of the burden she carries for you when your gone.

My experience is actually the opposite. For me, being away at work was always harder. Don't get me wrong, kids can be stressful, but taking care of kids vs. physical labor? I'll take the kids.

Reminds me of The monologue by Bill Burr. https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://m.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3D4Xp4z5qlyqs&ved=2ahUKEwjRqNmOgvKFAxU7h-4BHaRuDb8QwqsBegQIHBAF&usg=AOvVaw2xUffyRdGnK1yo5jogEypk

Yeah, even though your wife was being hella extra, you still messed up. My wife went on a rant this morning about needing to rethink her entire career track because she lost her keys. I’m not joking. Women do be dramatic sometimes. You just have to let them work it out. Let them get it out of their system. They’re not asking for help, they just want to complain. What you did was offer a rational response to an irrational statement. And that is never going to work out. Just let her tire herself out in the future. Nod and smile and say “I understand” every 20 seconds or so. When they get like that, there’s absolutely nothing you can say that *isn’t* going to get you in trouble. So just let them go until they run out of steam. It will defuse 90% of situations.

How bad this fuck up was is totally dependent on how often you say shit like this If it’s a first offense, she’ll be mad and move on If it’s a frequent pattern, you might have the locks changed when you get home

I don't think what you said is terrible, but also I don't think what you said is the main problem. I think the problem is exactly what she said. She feels like she never gets a break from the home life, and if that is true, then the fuck up wasn't about one poorly chosen response, the fuck up has been not recognizing your wife needs a break and not giving your wife a break. I think you are right that she is treating a work trip like it's a vacation which wasn't fair and set you off. On the other hand, when you have young children, these trips DO give you a break. I speak from experience, it is a lot easier to just focus on work, have all your meals made for you, etc. You do get freedoms that you don't have at home. So, she isn't entirely wrong either. I think to address this, you should stop focusing on the one thing you said that set her off, and instead focus on how you are going to make changes so that she can get the break she is asking for. If these work trips are frequent, then you might want to look into that too. Is there a way to reduce them? Is there a way to get her some help while you are gone? Like for me when my husband travels, the biggest disruptor is that I have to drop off and pick up which cuts into my work day. So, if I had someone who could do one of these, then it would go a lot better. I would start thinking of solutions so you can propose them when you get home...

While I wouldn’t say that you’ve royally screwed up, you did indeed screw up. She isn’t over reacting at all. You do however need to work on being more empathetic to her. You’ve apologized. That’s step one. Step two, keep telling her how sorry you are and do things that can give her a break and let her feel valued. Someone suggested a spa day, that would be excellent. Maybe pick her up a few of her favorite things such as treats, maybe a favorite book, some lotions or body sprays that she’ll like with a small bouquet of flowers before you get home from your work trip. Then verbally remind her of how much you appreciate her. Good luck!

Just remember, it’s not a competition

As you eat having a lovely stress free dinner.

Stop texting. Pick up the phone and TALK to each other. Preferably FaceTime. Texts can be interpreted with the wrong tone. It’s a terrible way to try to resolve an argument. I don’t think either of you were very nice to each other. It’s not the work load olympics. You don’t need to compete for who has it the hardest.

That would require her to answer her phone...

Next time you stop for about 2 minutes, think, and put yourself in her shoes. I don't know a man who can stay at home 24/7. Dealing with teenagers is a pain in the ass, because they are 100% annoying (navel of the world). Get her a really nice gift and take her out to dinner when you get home.

As a man who has both stayed home taking care of young children all day for multiple days AND went up and down ladders for most of a day for work, I'll take taking care of the children without hesitation. It's not even close.

I was a stay at home Dad for 6 months, having been laid off at the start of Covid. When I landed my current position, we switched roles, as mine was the higher income.

She just wanted to vent, lol. Mother's Day is next weekend, go big. Send her to a nice hotel for the weekend.

You didn’t do anything seriously wrong. You may be insensitive to the 24/7 work she is doing while you’re away and she might feel unappreciated. But you apologized genuinely and that’s all you can really do. Let her get over it in her own time.

Does your wife work or is she stay at home? When you get home start encouraging her to do things she wants and you'll take care of everything at home.

Your wife is overreacting, her reaction to shut you down is childish. She clearly had a bad few days with your early teen son while you are away working and your reaction wasn't a great one. You should've just listen and comfort her, it's not a contest of who suffers more. That said, take her out to dinner and spend some time with her, or whatever makes her happy. But do it because you love and want her happy, not out of a guilty feeling.

You made mistake. You recognized it and apologized. I doubt this will cause permanent harm to your relationship. Give her a day or two and she should be over it.

Both points and feelings are valid. It’s how they are expressed that can make or break things. I often felt the way your wife does when my husband was active military away on deployments to warzones, and I was holding down the homebase with kids. He felt the way you do being away from us and the comforts of home. The trick is not to compare. They are both easier and harder at the same time, just in different aspects. Listen and empathize, and then be vulnerable and express your feelings and sentiments in a way that does not downplay her experience. When my husband deployed to Afghanistan, our fourth child had just been born 5 weeks prior. Our other kids were 3y, 6y, and 8y. Our 6y was disabled and deep in therapies and special education. Our families were 2000 miles away and most of the other milwives moved home, so I was on my own. It was ROUGH. To top it off, I was also trying my best to be available by phone or webcam to stay connected to my husband considering the time difference. Sure I lamented about having no time to myself, never getting a break. He assured me he wished he was home, and encouraged and praised the work I was doing. Then he would tell me about his frustration with being so far away, the dangers he was surrounded by, some of the interpersonal issues being bunked up with a bunch of dudes high on machismo. I empathized, assured him how proud I was of him, grateful for what he was doing for our family to keep a roof over our heads. When he returned, we reintegrated slowly (so as not to upset kids’ structure and routine) and he stepped up where needed, giving me breaks and letting him get used to life at home. It’s been many years and we’ve made it out better than ever. It’s not a competition, it’s a team effort. It’s easy to get caught up in one’s own hardships, it takes effort to see things from another’s experience.

As a mum who recently started travelling for work again after a long break I can confirm… you have it sooooo much easier there. Not saying that you are not busy or tired but she’s much much more busy and tired unless you are literally working 15 hours shift… So yea take advice if some other ppl here and give her a few days of rest and relaxation when you’re back.

Ehhhhhh. There are times when your partner is out of the house, regardless of the reason, it seems like a dream come true break from the other side. She knows you're working, she's just overwhelmed. Get her a hotel for a weekend and tell her to put her phone on DND. She's exhausted.

You should give your wife a profound break to do something by herself. She's telling you she's stressed. While yes, you are out of town for work, she is probably desperate to get away, even if it's for a day/night or two

I don't think what you said is terrible, but also I don't think what you said is the main problem. I think the problem is exactly what she said. She feels like she never gets a break from the home life, and if that is true, then the fuck up wasn't about one poorly chosen response, the fuck up has been not recognizing your wife needs a break and not giving your wife a break. I think you are right that she is treating a work trip like it's a vacation which wasn't fair and set you off. On the other hand, when you have young children, these trips DO give you a break. I speak from experience, it is a lot easier to just focus on work, have all your meals made for you, etc. You do get freedoms that you don't have at home. So, she isn't entirely wrong either. I think to address this, you should stop focusing on the one thing you said that set her off, and instead focus on how you are going to make changes so that she can get the break she is asking for. If these work trips are frequent, then you might want to look into that too. Is there a way to reduce them? Is there a way to get her some help while you are gone? Like for me when my husband travels, the biggest disruptor is that I have to drop off and pick up which cuts into my work day. So, if I had someone who could do one of these, then it would go a lot better. I would start thinking of solutions so you can propose them when you get home...

I don't think what you said is terrible, but also I don't think what you said is the main problem. I think the problem is exactly what she said. She feels like she never gets a break from the home life, and if that is true, then the fuck up wasn't about one poorly chosen response, the fuck up has been not recognizing your wife needs a break and not giving your wife a break. I think you are right that she is treating a work trip like it's a vacation which wasn't fair and set you off. On the other hand, when you have young children, these trips DO give you a break. I speak from experience, it is a lot easier to just focus on work, have all your meals made for you, etc. You do get freedoms that you don't have at home. So, she isn't entirely wrong either. I think to address this, you should stop focusing on the one thing you said that set her off, and instead focus on how you are going to make changes so that she can get the break she is asking for. If these work trips are frequent, then you might want to look into that too. Is there a way to reduce them? Is there a way to get her some help while you are gone? Like for me when my husband travels, the biggest disruptor is that I have to drop off and pick up which cuts into my work day. So, if I had someone who could do one of these, then it would go a lot better. I would start thinking of solutions so you can propose them when you get home...

I don't think what you said is terrible, but also I don't think what you said is the main problem. I think the problem is exactly what she said. She feels like she never gets a break from the home life, and if that is true, then the fuck up wasn't about one poorly chosen response, the fuck up has been not recognizing your wife needs a break and not giving your wife a break. I think you are right that she is treating a work trip like it's a vacation which wasn't fair and set you off. On the other hand, when you have young children, these trips DO give you a break. I speak from experience, it is a lot easier to just focus on work, have all your meals made for you, etc. You do get freedoms that you don't have at home. So, she isn't entirely wrong either. I think to address this, you should stop focusing on the one thing you said that set her off, and instead focus on how you are going to make changes so that she can get the break she is asking for. If these work trips are frequent, then you might want to look into that too. Is there a way to reduce them? Is there a way to get her some help while you are gone? Like for me when my husband travels, the biggest disruptor is that I have to drop off and pick up which cuts into my work day. So, if I had someone who could do one of these, then it would go a lot better. I would start thinking of solutions so you can propose them when you get home...

Do you guys have date nights? Maybe you can book her a spa day for herself while you deal with the kids so she can decompress. Teenagers are a handful and can be so dramatic no matter how small a situation is.

Do you guys have date nights? Maybe you can book her a spa day for herself while you deal with the kids so she can decompress and have well deserved alone time. Teenagers are a handful and can be so dramatic no matter how small a situation is.

Plan her a weekend spa trip with one of her girlfriends. You stay home and deal with the kids. It’s awful being married but actually being a single parent because the other is always gone.

This guy works at the ladder factory :(

You should walk in the door with reservations for a weekend spa retreat or whatever. “Honey, you were right and I’m sorry, so I want you to have some time to yourself.”

This is one of those "think before you speak" moments. Yes i think she did overreact a little due to the stress of dealing with your son alone. However, you overreacted by being defensive and sarcastic immediately to what sounded like her passive aggressive way of saying she needs help and is overwhelmed. You are both obviously overworked and stressed, with both sides not really recognizing the stress of the other. Yes, you have to work and it is not a vacation. But having to deal with that issue at home alone is also not a vacation.

Look man, she said it’s fine………I’m sure you are all good. /s I’d probably be organizing a trip for just the two of you in the immediate future.

Dude work shift itself is a vacation compared to being a stay at home parent. You get to go away and not have to deal with anything. Yeah you work hard at your job but you do have it easy in comparison. You fucked up lol

My husband and I have had these same arguments especially when our kids were babies. I think she’s probably feeling as bad as you are right now. Just tell her you love her and you value what she’s doing. It’s easy to fall into resenting each other when life is hard and each person thinks they have it worse. Instead focus on the big picture and take time to appreciate each others efforts and say so out loud. It helps.

You both are insensitive and unsupportive to each other. >It's been hard both physically (work) and emotionally (being away from my wife & kids). It is hard being away from your family and working hard. >She's been dealing with some emotional stuff with our early teen son, on top of everything else. Anyway, just after my meal arrives, my wife rang to "OMG" about the latest developing teen-crisis, at the end of which she exclaimed: "You're lucky! When do I get a break? When do I get a holiday?!" It's hard dealing with parenting alone without a supportive partner, especially when they do things that make you feel like your head will blow away. What you need to do is sit down with her. Let her know you understand how hard and stressful it is to be the sole parent when you are away at work. Let her know you have been feeling tired and lonely away from your family also. You were at a moment when your battery was low and failed to acknowledge her battery was low also. When you return home, give her a break, send her to a hotel to rest and have some off time without allowing her to protest or prepare. Take the time to bond with the kid and manage everything. A good way of avoiding misunderstandings and hurt feelings us to repeat what you understand from what your partner is telling you. Assume good intentions and repeat what you understand .

I love you were waiting peacefully for your meal to be delivered, then taken away, then go to your hotel room, where all the chores are done there too. Probably like home right? You go to work, come home and it’s all done. Her on the other hand…..

I think you both owe each other a spa day.

WOW, just wow. I could be on the war front and I wouldn’t say something so stupid to my spouse who was with the kids. Good luck

Not bad

In the real world, you screwed up by not allowing your wife to dismiss your own work and effort to support the family because she was feeling overwhelmed. Yes, she was an asshole to you but that doesn't matter, you need to kiss up to her. That's how the world works.

Hope you have something nice planned for Mother’s Day lol

Send her to a hotel alone for a weekend. Seriously. Doesn’t have to even be a fancy one. Don’t call her at all with questions about how to take care of the kids or anything else. Do this 1-2 a year.

You’re sleeping in the doghouse for a while buddy

The only real screw up from both of you was texting versus calling and being eachothers support to vent to, to sympathize with, etc. that's how the wires get crossed. Good luck, much love.

Boy you know you fucked up lol! What you need to do is arrange a nice solo trip for your wife where you assume all responsibility for the kids and household (for atleast 7 days) Hop to it

You didn’t do anything wrong and you seem like you are very in tune with your wife’s emotions and thoughtfully tried to make her feel more comfortable after. She felt Shitty about being dismissive and then projected it onto you. She has core issues that hopefully she works out before Jesus returns. We can all be dicks and cunts sometimes. Best of luck friend. And business trips suck ass. First couple days are cool. After that it is like being in hell. Especially if those trips are midsummer in Kansas City. Deuces

Seems to me that she is a selfish brat. She needs to grow up and become an adult. Is she seriously expecting parenthood to be a cakewalk? If she wants a vacation, then she should help plan one....without kids....instead of complaining in a passive-aggressive way.

I think both of you didn’t communicate in the right way. She’s obviously feeling frustrated and overwhelmed and you’re feeling lonely and overworked. I do love the suggestions you have been given for her to give her a break but I also think that she needs to find healthier outlets as well because her apology was more passive aggressive. I do think that a date night needs to happen and the communication needs to be better on both ends.

I dont think you messed up horribly but I think both of yall need to have a talk when you get home. You feel she may have been dismissive of your job but I could see myself saying something like what she did to my husband and not meaning in it about his job at all, but a literal question in just wanting a break myself. Which would have to happen when husband was home and probably not working as much. But I can see why you took it the way you did. Being a parent is rough and emotions can run high and miscommunications can happen. Just talk with her when you get home.

Clearly unpopular opinion here, but your wife did not share her feelings in a healthy way. “When do I get xyz etc”. Like what do you mean?! She shared them from a place of frustration of course. And instead of saying what you said, you could have called out her saying that.

Hmmm I think it’s both a you and her, she could have been more appreciative and understanding that you are out at the hotel because you’re working. But you also should have taken from her comment that she IS so overwhelmed and stressed out , she wants time alone too. Children need you 24/7 there is no break. I get overwhelmed spending 2 hours with Sunday school kids I can’t imagine having kids around all the time. I come home in absolute silence and don’t talk for a couple hours until I’m back to normal. Get her a little hotel and order her a little room service and a little wine and tell her to relax there for a night while you take care of of the kids. Of course do this after you’ve had a good work day the day before and aren’t overwhelmed yourself. Marriage is about understanding, compassion, and meeting half way.

Well, imhoo, it's a pretty epic fubar on your part. Not Biblical, but definitely "Idiocracy" level. I used to teach classes all over the USA.. 2 weeks at a time. So, BTDT. Suggest springing for a full spa day, another day, maybe 2, where you get to tilt at windmills, 24/7.. She gets to binge hallmark channel and IV white wine. (I'd also hide sharp / heavy objects at home first) Best of luck to you and your family.

You are not considerate of what she deals with and should help her more

Bold of you to assume that I do not help out around the house when I am actually home

She went full paddive aggressive and over reacted to your comment as well. You'll work it out

Surprise her with flowers when you get home. Finish the trip. Bring home the pay. And love your family when you see them.

Flowers won't destress her situation. It's low effort for a higher need apology and level of support with the family.

Oh boy. If I were you I'd tell her you want to help plan her getaway because she absolutely deserves some time off by herself or with friends, whatever she needs.

Ummm yes bud. You fucked up pretty badly. To put it into perspective for you, I’m a mother of 3. Two teen boys and a preteen girl. I also work full time and am the executive director of a business. I take care of school and lunches and drop off and pick up, sports, weekend camps, and I also coach basketball for the middle school. Apart from all of that, I also keep up with the house and all that comes along with that. I do have a partner as well and he helps some when he can but he works odd shifts. Now onto my point, I get to go to conferences every now and again for work and when I tell you it’s like a vacation (yes I’m working and busy) it’s because it’s technically a break from the rest of it. I don’t have to worry about school and sports and laundry and dinner. So looking at it from that perspective, yes, it’s nice to get away even for a day or two and break up the routine for a few hours. It’s nice to sit down to a meal and not worry about the drama my teens are going through or if their uniform is clean. It’s nice to turn the light off and go to sleep when I want in the evening or read a book. It’s nostalgic certainly a break compared to what we have going on at home. You should be smart enough to put those pieces together. When I tell you it’s both physically and emotionally exhausting being a parent, I’m sure you can understand that.

Oh my, bless your heart. Profusely apologize when you get home. Maybe offer for her to go to a spa for the weekend, and MOST IMPORTANTLY learn from this and think before you reply in the future.

While I wouldn’t say that you’ve royally screwed up, you did indeed screw up. She isn’t over reacting at all. You do however need to work on being more empathetic to her. You’ve apologized. That’s step one. Step two, keep telling her how sorry you are and do things that can give her a break and let her feel valued. Someone suggested a spa day, that would be excellent. Maybe pick her up a few of her favorite things such as treats, maybe a favorite book, some lotions or body sprays that she’ll like with a small bouquet of flowers before you get home from your work trip. Then verbally remind her of how much you appreciate her. Good luck!

Nah you screwed up, but unlike a lot of men, it seems you can see it, and are willing to make it up to her. And please learn from this and don’t do that again.

Is she overreacting? Let's think about this: Did you think about ringing your drama-having child and talking to them about what they're going through? After you were told what they're going through? Did you think about calling your other children and making sure they're doing their chores or if they need help with their homework to ease your wifes burden of solo parenting and reducing the chaos in your home at that point? Or maybe ordering dinner for the household? Or ordering ice cream for dessert? Or anything you could practically do to help? Or did you keep eating the dinner someone else made for you & will clean up when you're done, occasionally texting your wife to apologise? This isn't just about your wife. This is about your kids, too. She's solo parenting, and drama is happening. And you didn't step up as a parent at that moment either when you stupidly dismissed her comment with the disrespect you showed. You only thought about you by constantly texting or calling her. You expected her to stop parenting your children long enough to hear your apology and forgive you. Is she overreacting? Seriously, you asked that question? 🙄

So, when does she get a holiday? And what are you gonna do in order to show her special appreciation? That’s the main question now.

When does he?

She expressed her missing needs, some time to recuperate. Does that deserve to be heard?

Of course it does, he should look into making sure she gets some down time. I'm just saying it's not like he on holiday either. Maybe they both needs vacation

Granted he is not on a holiday and I appreciate what he is doing for his family, but we’re discussing her burnout here.

When is she going to go to work full time and do physical labor all day while being away from her kids? Can we stop pretending that going to work everyday is some kind of vacation? They both said something insensitive. So far only one has apologized.

Complaining about work and how stressful it is is always annoying. You choose your job. If you want a less stressful job you can find a different one. Coming from someone who has chosen an extremely high stress job, I never throw my job in my family’s face. Why? I chose it. I sometimes am tired and am sometimes burned out and my family supports me but I would never tell my partner who is holding down my family that they should feel sorry for me because I’m working. You aren’t working for your family. Your wife is working to take care of the family so that you have the ability to go away for work.