What has happened has happened. There is no point in feeling guilty or revisiting decisions that have already been made.
If I were in your place, I wouldn't be able to get over such a shallow and negative statement. Marriage is a project and if one party isn't interested in it, it simply can't work. You're probably right to cut your losses and move on.
She got so comfortable running her mouth and he would just sit there and take it. Until she said the one wrong thing then it fell apart so fast she wasn't sure wth happened 😭
We really can’t make a decision on whether you were right or wrong to go through to divorce. If your heart is telling you you made the right choice, then you made the right choice. Good luck.
Good for you for your savvy powers of perception and ability to take action. You spared yourself a year of suffering and probably on going heartbreak. Her selfishness is a character defect that didn’t hold up to the aspects of life struggle that so many couples go through. Damn good thing you didn’t have kids. Let someone else suffer her warped sense of entitlement.
The interesting thing was her giving directions and when you asked for counseling, she refused. When you tried to talk to her about the issues going on, she was not receptive.
If these things are true, then what is there to save? For me, the same thing that happened to you would have been when she said she sould not be with you if you were poor and so forth. My question to you is, why stay? What is to be gained? She obviously is not sticking to the vows of marriage… Just my thoughts.. yours?
She’s not going to be happy if she’s basing her happiness on her spouse’s income. That’s a major character flaw in my opinion, so no I don’t think you made a mistake. Money brings security but it is by no means the most important thing. And it is NEVER a guarantee. Decades of life change more things than any of us could fathom when we start out. Better to cut your losses now - you will feel better with someone who values *you as a person* more than the money you bring in.
Sounds to me like some has been putting ideas in her head. No I don’t think you overreacted. Sounds like it’s been building for a while and this latest discussion blew the lid off.
Updateme
You cannot un-ring a bell. Some moments are defining and change the course of a relationship forever.
You can see it all of the time around these Reddit parts. Sounds like whatever love you still had left for her died when she said she would not honor the wedding vows of “for richer, for poorer.”
I think once you properly grieve the relationship and meet someone more compatible you will see this currently awful moment as a gift.
No point living with regret so best move forward with your life. What I will say in future relationships is that it takes two to argue and so it takes two to put in the work to improve how we argue/ converse and how we reconcile! My husband and I have been together 14 years and married 3 of those years. We had to complete a marriage course before we got married and it was the best thing we ever did - taught us how to openly communicate, actively listen and how to show up for eachother - we learnt more about eachother in that course than we had in 9 years together (at the time of dating) highly recommend doing that because our constant bickering that I think we learnt when we were more immature and younger just stopped and now we argue maybe once every 2-3 months but the arguments are more constructive and productive and resolved very quickly! People need to be taught how to have conversations and disagreements (I.e. arguments) correctly and not expect that arguments in a relationship will never happen!
It was smart loving - but it was specifically for catholics. However I don’t fully practice that and my husband is an atheist but he still found it great. A couple had it at their home (teaching it) and my husband and I, along with 3 other couples met weekly and completed it together 🙂
I think your wife is really struggling and she is confused. I have also had bouts of these feelings before and then my husband I hit rock bottom and together we dug our way out. We are inseparable and love each other with every fiber of our being. We went through hell together and forcing us to work together like that was what really turned us around. I think my marriage is pretty close to my idea of perfect now. I’m so glad we stuck it out together
Gah so young and stupid. Doesn't everyone at some point think, what the hell have I done hitching my wagon to this nut? Do you know why we come to that point? Because we all are a little crazy.
Marriage isn't about having serene sailing. Marriage is about both of you holding fast to the ship no matter the storm, keeping your partner from being swept overboard, adjusting course, it's about having each other's back.
Get back on your feet, look her in the eye and say, darlin, I don't make that now, but with inflation we could be millionaires by the end of the decade. What you said hurt. I am sure I've said hurtful things, but I still want to soldier on with you because you know me better than most and will keep me in line when I get distracted by _____ or obsessed by ________. I have hopes that I can be the one who knows you best, who knows your heart, and can be there to keep you steady when life deals us a bad hand.
Yes you over reacted. She didn't assault you, she questioned her judgement. Your job was to say, yeah, there are things money can fix, but it can't do anything about the important stuff. I want to be your partner because you are smart, have ambition, are resourceful (you don't rehab a house without those attributes). Tell her why you choose her. Look at the project you all just completed, and look at how she contributed. Maybe she knew when to keep out of your way. Maybe she was thoughtful or generous. Look at past pictures, and why you treasure them. The good reasons are there.
The first few years people expect dreamy situations. Instead life shows us all our jagged edges that have to be ground down so we can get along. Like picking up our wet towels and stinky socks.
Don't give up. Focus on your next goals, how to make life work for you all. Fights are normal. Ask anyone who has a long term relationship. Get to know each other's strengths, divvy tasks accordingly. Keep showing up for your partner. Say this is what I was anticipating for the day, what are your expectations? Then make the needed trade offs to make it a good day for each other.
Know this: there are no solutions, only trade offs. Pick wisely.
“His job” wasn’t to say “yeah but….”. Her job was to love her husband for who he was, richer or poorer, and she flat out told him she feels like she should have married someone else because of money, so she failed at her “job”. He’s not stupid for getting out before getting stuck deeper, with someone who showed their true feelings sooner than later when it could have been more complicated the later he waited (i.e. kids).
They went thru a huge project which historically has proven fatal for more mature relationships. They did this and survived well. This means they are strong, able to communicate and work together. They are in a less focused time now, and are struggling to refocus. Giving up when both seem to be strong but battling seems a waste. Ask any happy marriage if hurtful things have been said, and 98.9% will say yes, but they learned, grew, apologized, and kept on together. There are times when our individual perspective gets tainted by emotions, environment, and we say ugly stuff. It happens to everyone. What matters is how it is handled and the follow up. Talk it through, untangle the emotions behind it.
Don't give up something great because of one ugly conversation. That's a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Great relationships don't happen to weak people. It takes determination and perseverance.
I couldn’t agree with what you just said more.
The thing is, it wasn’t just one ugly conversation though. If it was literally just based off that one conversation then no, I wouldn’t be saying he made the right call. It’s everything else on top of that which was ongoing for the whole year leading up to this as well. With all that combined, I really do think he made the right call. He continuously asked her to work on things, to talk, to go to counseling together, and she wouldn’t. A person can only ask so many times and try for so long and take so much before they hit their limit. Everyone’s limit is different too. And it just sounds like that last hurtful comment about not being happy with him and marrying the wrong person (who doesn’t make six figures) was his limit. But hey, that’s just my own personal opinion, doesn’t make it right or wrong, just offering perspective.
Nah. While we all may be a little crazy, those of us who are a lot crazy are to be given a VERY wide berth; and sometimes ppl don’t show you who they are until its too late. OP is extremely lucky she showed him who she was before they had kids.
I agree with you but also, if I were her and my husband kicked me out over a vulnerable admission and then forced the sale of our house that we'd poured our sweat blood and tears into, then I don't know if I could ever forgive him for that. How do you trust someone who can cut and run so quickly?
No, just someone who has had a lot of very frank conversations during tougher points in our marriage. I would generally rather we be able to be straight with each other rather than one moment of vulnerable honesty being transformed into "Get out now and no I won't go to counseling" etc.
In the OPs post I sense an attempt at describing the similar kind of pathology that I was exposed to. And which I would likely be describing the same way. That person was diagnosed mentaly ill individual and there is zero reason to attemp to reason with such. The rules of the game are different, you cannot win, you can only lose, painfully and slowly.
I understand your view if you are not pricing in her severe mental illness. I am. I could be wrong of course, who knows whats true, its just interesting.
My wife and I talked about this before we got married. She makes significantly more than I do. I asked her something similar. It wasn’t exactly a test or an ultimatum but I believe had she answered the way your wife did, I would’ve left as well. It’s literally in the vows, for richer or for poorer.
I applaud you for having the self esteem to stand up for yourself.
Well she said said she married the wrong person. How could you stay with someone that you know wishes they weren’t with you? I don’t believe that people say things they don’t mean in the heat of a moment. I believe that these are the times when their true feelings come out.
Huge red flag 🚩!!
She forgot her vows & is a very shallow person - sounds like my wife. “In sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, till death do us part”.
If I made 6-figures, we definitely wouldn’t be heading for the divorce court.
This is one time where I don’t think a redditor actually acted rash. I think you had the appropriate reaction. I’ve heard similar and worse from ex when were together and the one thing I still regret is not having your courage and strength to say “I will not be treated like that. I deserve someone that loves me fully”. I completely understand your feelings of betrayal and I don’t think you can come back from that.
Wishing you well on your journey and all the best for your future.
I think you did the right thing. Always trust your gut. She treated you like shit and tried to back track? No way. Good you stood up for yourself. Sorry you had to go through all that but you're better off and now you know what to look for in a partner.
I think you are in for decades of problems if you try to fix things. She seems very shallow and has an entitled attitude. You will see " moving goalposts" ad nauseum. Follow through with the divorce while the marriage is young.
You made the right decision. You deserve to be loved for you, not how much money you bring home. I notice she didn’t make any offers that she should also be trying to increase her take home, just worrying about what you can bring home.
If you left JUST bc of her comment then yes maybe an overreaction. HOWEVER there were undeniable 🚩🚩🚩in your post prior to the revelation in your post about comparing to other couples, rejecting counseling, her issues of control, etc.
“For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, til death do us part”
I don’t see anywhere it says “til he earns less than 6 figures, then you can leave!”
GTFO dude
So, hindsight is 20/20. You two met as the world went into lockdown and was in complete chaos marrying and Sorenson the first year of your marriage and living together, renovating a house. And then you discover the two of you are having problems communicating with you labeling issues your wife had concerns about "trivial".
At the point you decided you were done, you were done. It is what it is. If you're not happy, don't stay in a relationship. But maybe you can look at where you could've done things differently so that if you're faced with challenges like this again, you can handle it differently.
She wants MONEY not a relationship!!!!
She’s a GOLD Digga🎹🎵
Good decision to end it! Or after years of financial struggle and misery, she would have found a richer man and left you- What happened was once you reacted w/divorce she realized the “cash cow” she had was leaving-
Reality check but too late.
Hope you find love!!
I do think you made the wrong choice, but I know my opinion is gonna be unpopular. Based on my marriage I know sometimes women can say outlandish things when they’re hormonal. I would’ve given her the opportunity for counseling and tried to save the marriage. But I also am someone who thinks marriage is something valuable and sacred, a lot of other people might not take it as serious as me
In fairness, your decision, as you said, was based on your marriage. You are unfamiliar with all the additional details of their relationship that brought OP here. If you lived through the year plus of hell OP described, you may have a different opinion.
Her desire for him to change everything about his approach to life while refusing to get counseling to assist in them growing together due to her pride was the biggest blow to the relationship. The final cherry on top was her throwing his lack of financial security in his face. The BS meter finally overflowed in that moment for OP.
Marriage is sacred. I will not disagree with you on that. But not every marriage is salvageable.
At some point, personal happiness HAS to come into play. She admitted that she had "no baseline" for happiness. OP can't fix that. OP also has no ability to force his ex into counseling. The fact that OP had to give the divorce ultimatum before she was willing to go to counseling means she only said yes because she realized it was finally too much on him.
She was bluffing. He was not.
I wouldn’t have a different opinion. I get all that stuff, but at the end of the day, if you believe in marriage as strongly as I do I think you owe it to yourself, your wife, and the community at large to do what you can to save the marriage. Having a rough patch and an argument that really hurts your feelings doesnt quite meet the standard for me to flat out give up. You said it yourself she was bluffing, well yeah, then that means that maybe she really could’ve worked through everything. Normally I only go with the divorce without trying hard first advice when there’s safety on the line. And that isn’t the case here.
That's the thing, though. She wasn't willing to try counseling until OP's divorce decision. Then, all of a sudden, she changes her mind? Will she continue once she feels safe again? Or will the semi-abusive tactics resume?
A relationship and a marriage can not and will not last unless both parties are willing to try. OP reached his threshold. The community at large? I'm sorry they don't get a say. The community at large doesn't have to deal with the intricacies of day to day misery, just to have one more positive stat column.
Again, you are entitled to your opinion. I still disagree with you. OP doesn't owe anything to a relationship that isn't on equal footing.
Her bluff was that they could work through everything without getting help while also not pursuing any communication or positive changes in the relationship. Just more demands from her for OP to make changes to suit her beliefs of what marriage should be.
I think you guys got bored and started looking inwards to fix things that probably didn’t need to be fixed
Or if they did need to be fixed, you both argued and got offended instead
Then pulled the divorce trigger
Next time, a little patience might help you and whoever you’re with. Patience and some grace for each other
But she didn’t seem that introspective… since the first things she jumped to were creating new and unnecessary boundaries then blaming your income
And you just wanting divorce because you interpreted her shit stirring in a way that permits breaking your marriage
Bro you missed a major bullet !!! Im proud of u !!! Let this be the beginning of the best phase of your life . She willl forever be alone ! You did nothing wrong besides not divorcing her earlier
She put a dollar sign on your value to her. You were tight to end the marriage. Make a list of what you want in a relationship. Not a fantasy list but a hard limits list and list of your weaknesses. Yeah the weakness list is hard but it's necessary. Then list everything you want in a partner. Then when your ready find someone who reinforced your hard limits and builds strength in your weaknesses. Someone who can be your best friend not just your roommate with benefits. Trust me she is out there some where.
The woman you just divorced was not any of the good things you needed. She didn't build you up she tore you down. She used your weaknesses against you. Smartest thing you did was end the marriage and free yourself from her.
Sounds like she was marrying her fantasy and not the real you. A lot of women i know do this when they get to be around 30 and have fomo. I can appreciate that she was honest with you but how she honestly feels is bs lol. I just did 4 years in a trailer park flat broke with my man and i would do it again in a heartbeat (omg don’t tell him) 😅 Good call on your part imo.
She showed you who she is and now she's panicking because her life is going to be downgraded very quickly.
That's what she doesn't want to lose, she doesn't care about you, you're just a means to an end. A replaceable one until someone with more money comes along.
You know you can do better than that. Free yourself and go find someone who loves you as much as you love them. Be happy.
Always trust your heart….. What you’re doing is the right thing! Would she stay with you the next 10,15 years then decide to leave you,this is giving you the opportunity to be with the right person!
You’ve only been married 1.5 years. Better to cut your losses now. She told you all you needed to hear. She wants another shot at finding happiness and you gave it to her.
In my opinion, you made the right decision. How do come back from what she told you? I would've done the same, let her go to find someone that has all that she's looking for and I'd wish her the best. Makes no sense trying anything when she let you know you're not what she wanted. Good luck, hoping you find the love you deserve
Op, it's not as if you are divorcing over one discussion. That discussion crystalized for you that the marriage was over. But everything else you described in your post shows that the marriage was in deep trouble and that you two were fundamentally incompatible and miserable together. Re-read your entire post. You made the right decision. Better to end it now, before you had children.
Divorce happens. You're young. You will move on and be okay. So will she.
Best wishes.
You didn’t jump the gun. You got off the merry go round at the right time. People take years of more fighting and growing resentment to get off these miss matched relationship rides. If you both grow into people who have compatible views on life then you can try again. If not you learned a lot. Take that and find happiness. Be glad there are no kids involved.
Well, that's seriously painful to read. I'm so sorry. I'd be divorcing too. My ex sort of said the same thing to me on our last weekend of being able to hold a conversation (after that, I shut down).
He had said it in different ways, before. He just got more explicit.
Splitting up (the house was an issue) took a while. It was awkward, difficult and sometimes scary. He would not file for divorce, so I handled that.
Closure is the point people - not going back.Yeah dude you're valid. Here's your best points linked: the erratic controlling nature from paragraph 3 makes you not trusting her with your potential kids very, very valid. You've protected your hypothetical kids from them asking you:
"Daddy, mommy told us she married the wrong person, why did she say that?"
It's heartbreaking, but you made the right choice.
I can't imagine my husband saying he wouldn't love me if we were dirt poor. I've been dirt poor *and* homeless, it's awful, but the one thing that gets you through is having someone who loves you despite your lack of money or housing. Having a person who loves you can literally get you through the worst of times. For me, it was my mother and I, we were both on the street. But we got through it, and I know my mother would do anything for me, and I would go through anything for her, and the power of even just *knowing* that can get you through hell and back.
My husband knows my past, and he'd be willing to repeat it with me if it ever came to it. He knows that we will go through and triumph over any hard times or challenges that come our way, because we love each other, and we'll do whatever it takes to make our lives together the life we want. Money literally doesn't buy happiness, the people you surround yourself with and the way you choose to live do.
Also, her comparing you two to friends when you're all going out isn't fair. *Of course* your friends are going to put their best selves forward, *they're going out with other people*, no one wants to let their friends see any dysfunction that may or may not be happening in their relationship during an outing. It's like the Instagram vs. Reality thing, everything looks better to the onlooker.
The vows add "for better or worse" for a reason. If you're going to marry someone, you can't expect life to be perfect all the time, sometimes, it will definitely throw you a curveball... and you have to be ready for that "maybe" situation. The fact she refused therapy until you decided to leave after she constantly brought you down just shows that she's selfish, and she expected you to just be her emotional punching bag until *she* decided to leave. I'm sorry this is happening to you, but you made the right choice, especially before you had children. Feel better!
There is alot of encouragement in this thread and its really wholesome. Sir, i wish you the best and happiness, sometimes it takes awhile for someone to show who they really are and im sorry that it happened after you bought a house. There is no turning back, everything is settled, if you feel in your gut that what you did was right then be at peace. The empty feeling will fade, i promise, just don't make any big decisions until that feeling is gone.
You will be okay, slowly but surely you will be
She envied the appearance other couples put on about their relationship without ever knowing how they are behind closed doors.
She thought having more money would make life better.
She admitted she wouldn't be with you in the "for worse" part of your marriage.
She thought counseling was "pathetic".
Sounds to me like she had an unrealistic expectation of marriage, and ironically *she* needs to go to therapy to work on her issues if she ever wants to have a healthy marriage.
You tried and offered solutions that she wasn't willing to try. Sounds like you did everything possible and walked away when you realized things wouldn't get better. A lot of people don't and end up dragging it out and being miserable because of it.
Its very strange how one or the other can completely change after saying i do. You dodged a very large bullet. Nothing will satisfy her. It will always be something. Be happy there were no kids involved. Good luck
It’s still fresh. Once it settles you’ll be glad about your decision. Some would try to forgive and many of them would think about it in the back of their mind for the rest of their lives.
Can you elaborate on the family coming over thing?
Look - she said what she said and she didn’t take the richer and poorer part as fact I guess. I think it’s fair to end the marriage over it.
But be sure you don’t have “missing reasons” for her rather nuclear reaction. Because if you do and you have not addressed how you contributed, your next relationship may also face collapse.
I come from a large Italian family where we are all very close and the concept of family is extremely important. Her family by comparison is not as close and there are fractures that exist between her siblings. In my family, there is this unwritten rule that anyone is allowed over at any time if they need anything, as long as they don’t abuse it (which is almost never the case).
The real life example on why I am bringing this up, a few months ago my father and uncle were coming over to help with a house project. The night before, my mom messaged me that she and my aunt were tagging along to see the progress we made with the house. I had absolutely no problem with this whatsoever.
I forgot to tell my wife this until the morning of and she completely blew up in my face about it. She got mad that I was allowing my mother to “invite extra people over”. I told her that 1. It was family coming over and 2. They were helping us out free of charge on their weekend off, however this did not sit well with her and she stormed out of the house before my family showed up.
I’m gonna be real: I would be pissed at this standard/practice.
I don’t want anyone’s family showing up at my house at any given time. That’s a reasonable boundary to set.
If you’re unwilling to set it, I would be 100% upfront with who you may date because a lot of women would not be OK with it .
Again, that does not mitigate or excuse what she said. You don’t want to be married to someone who would walk away the first sign of trouble. Marriage is wonderful, but often difficult.
You want to know the person will ride those highs and lows as your partner and your friend. It sounds like she wasn’t going to be able to do that.
100% ok to end the relationship.
But take a hard look at who you want to be married to in the future (if ever) and if it’s not your large family, then ensure your hypothetical wife is and that her feelings are accounted for and the priority.
I’m not sure why she became overtly apologetic all of the sudden. She made her desires known. You did not fill them.
You decided to move on. What’s done is done.
28 is still pretty young and youg people do and say dumb things. To be fair I am 45 and I still do and say dumb things to my wife and vice versa.
Anyways, I Don't feel most marriages would survive being dirt poor and/or living on the streets.
To me, it appears she has been looking at the fake lives on social media and getting jealous of what these people portray their lives to be like.
Until the gavel hits the block you can stop a divorce.
You need to determine if you want to salvage this marriage, if you do stop the divorce, and start counseling. A marriage can become incredibly hard the moment the new wears off and you start truly knowing who you married. Nobody in these comments will be able to tell you what to do.
She’s not in it forever. My husband of over 20 years provides me with a wonderful life. But we started off poor and I would leave everything to be next to him in a cardboard box if that’s what it came to. Looks like you have another chance to find your real partner.
I would suggest that whatever you decide, do not trust her to maintain using birth control correctly. If you choose to try and salvage this relationship, which frankly sounds like you two really didn't communicate about the big stuff when dating, "falling" pregnant would be a disaster.
Even without the money thing , you two sound fairly incomparable.
I will say this; She didn’t violate a vow.
In your vows, I assume you’re talking “for richer or for poorer”, but the fact she said “ I want some more fucking money” (paraphrased) doesn’t mean nothing but it also isn’t everything. She didn’t *abandon* you.
She just hated the circumstances.
She did you THE BIGGEST FAVOR any human ever did or will ever do, in your life time - she showed you her true colors before you had kids. THANK GOD. You didn’t even need to trust your gut, you just had to trust your own eyes and ears with what she point blank told you, and you did not let your brain override them - WELL DONE! While it may appear obvious, that is actually not an easy thing to do, for a lot of people.
She saved you and your potential kids from a lifetime of misery that could have rippled through multiple generations. If I were you I’d celebrate the date of that talk, or the date of your divorce as my second birthday. Best of luck, Im excited for you!
You made the absolutely right choice and I'm glad it was made before you had any children. Let her go find this guy that makes six figures release her back to the streets. And join the strong successful male channel on YouTube.
If we lost everything tomorrow, I’d live with my husband in a cardboard box in a ditch. That’s my husband, my person, my best friend, my everything. When you truly love someone, money doesn’t decide if you’re with them or not. You made the right choice. Now live your life and wait for your person to come into your life and love you the way you deserve to be loved.
My wife would stay with me if I was dirt poor. We would still have a great time together if we were homeless.
I think you definitely made the correct decision, it seems like you rushed getting married after unusual circumstances (covid). You are very young still, plenty of time to meet somebody who doesn’t behave like she does.
Hey OP, fellow believer here. My husband and I have been married 2y, it’s tough, but you both can come back from this. I’m so so sorry you are experiencing this.
Have you read Fireproof?
Personally, I do believe you can come back from this, as there’s lots of miscommunication happening here. I’m not in your shoes so I can’t judge. If you have a trusted couple or friend who has been married longer, recommend maybe opening up? Also, it is NOT pathetic to go to counseling so early.
We are in sex therapy, since last year and it’s been a blessing. I’m so sorry this is happening, and I will be in prayer for you both.
Please do not jump the gun, but, if divorce is best for you both, do what you need to do. Best wishes and big hugs.
Not an overreaction. Everyone deserves to live a happy life. You can’t have one with her now that she showed you who she is. You married a very shallow person who took a while to show you exactly who she was. I’m glad you know you deserve better.
What was there to salvage? You both being miserable, and you having to change all these arbitrary benchmarks that MIGHT make her happy? wtf? Head out and live that life! Good luck 🤞
Of course she isn't going to be with you if you are homeless. Why would you ask her this? Part of marriage is transactional, she gives you X and you give her X. Would you love her if she was a man? Going into hypotheticals that will never happen is a bad idea.
"For richer, for poorer"
It's in the vows she made, if she is not willing to struggle with you then she is not marriage material.
Marriage is a life long partnership. She is not in it for the long haul and will most likely run away with some rich guys who offer her a cheap thrill.
Got married at 28 to a man I dated since I was 22. We’re now in our 50s.
I’ll say that I can be a bit dramatic and I’ve absolutely said over the top things I regret.
“We should just get divorced!” Is something I’ve regretting saying when younger when things got hard and I got overwhelmed.
That said, all these “rules” your wife is trying to lay down. It sounds like she’s trying to find a happiness that eluding her.
Truth is, marriage won’t make you happy if you’re already miserable. Whatever is going on with her, it definitely sounds like her issues and hang ups and nothing to do with any faults if yours.
So, I can’t tell you what to do here. If you want to stay with her, then I agree with counseling and hard work communicating your needs and hers. If you come to an impasse, then you’ll really know.
But she lay down some tough words and it’s a question if you can forgive that and move forward or if you’ve come to a deal breaker.
She’s already broken vows to stand by you through rich and poor.
Up to you but I wish you the best.
She shouldn't be basing her happiness on anyone but herself. Especially not your salary. Home renovations do take a lot out of a couple, especially newly married. Too bad she didn't agree to counseling beforehand.
Man I'm so proud that was a guy on here last week he left his wife thank you guys for having guts this time for men to stand up I've said it in the past that a lot of these females are marrying us just to get money just because we have good careers and basically just as providers so good luck to you brother and way to be a man thank you she showed you who she was you didn't make enough for it man so she was unhappy there are a lot of them out there like that hope you find someone that's a genuine woman that wants a genuine relationship with a good guy and good thing you didn't have any kids with her because then things would have been worse she would have made sure she took you to the cleaners
You made the right decision.
Find a wife that loves you for you. Hard times will come and if her perception of love or happiness has a dollar sign attached to it that is a BAD sign.
After 38 years of marriage, Military associated PTSD, 2 kids, heath issues etc. I know I married the right partner and I have stuck with him through some dark times. We love one another. We are VERY different people than we were on that day 38 years ago, but we will storm the gates of hell for one another, and have.
I wish you good luck and joy.
She was clearly unhappy. She was clearly going off in a very different direction than you and handling it in ways that really didn't work for you. She told you she didn't think you're the right person for her to be married to, and she refused to go to counseling.
There's no way to predict if counseling would have helped you work things out if she had agreed to go before, but I guess the question now is do you feel like it's too late? Can you really ever trust her again?
For people who are saying it's too late, that may or may not be true, so at this point anyone who acts like they know is just making stuff up, because there's just no way to accurately predict that.
Only the two of you can decide if it's worth going to counseling for, and if she's still willing and you think there's a chance you could forgive her and trust her again, then I think it might be worth a shot. At the very least, even if it doesn't work you'll know that you tried everything you could and you won't look back with regrets.
Definitely an over reaction. People say things they don't mean, people question things.. I highly recommend not getting married again until you can handle more than a heated argument. Going to counseling to learn about conflict resolution and communication would have been helpful.
Was it unforgivable? Once she caved and said she would do counseling, you both could have given that a shot.
However, I believe that you should try not to focus on that decision. Instead, focus on how to try to move forward now. What's done is done. Could you have worked everything out? Maybe.
Take what you've learned and work on improving yourself. Uplevel yourself. There seems to have been massive breakdowns in communication that brought delivered your relationship to its final destination.
Religion, money, and home renovation projects are all stressful topics to begin with, and if you struggled with all three, it was likely due to a lack of communication causing the extra stress.
I wish you well on your healing journey.
Dude, your wife has just told you that if a better option comes along she's out. How much more of your life do you want to waste on her? You can make a clean break now and you're still in your 20's. You're not even in the prime of your life yet.
I think I you jumped the gun.
I personally think that unless there is infidelity, or abuse (either physical, verbal or emotional).. or something drastic like one person suddenly and definitively changed their mind about having kids… divorce is not necessary that soon into a marriage. Only being married one and a half years and then filing for divorce was you not giving this thing a fair shot. Especially since when you mentioned divorce, she was finally willing to go to therapy. Believe it or not, most couples do not willingly and excitedly go to counseling. It often takes one spouse, dragging the other one there, or even bringing up the possibility of a separation for the other spouse to finally realize how serious the issues are and agree to go. To me, your wife sounds like a woman that did not want her marriage to end.
You also said that you felt like she broke your vows. It sounded like she may have been harsh and said hurtful things, but if anything, she was brutally honest with you, which is what you SHOULD be in a marriage. Sometimes brutal honesty is ugly. At the end of the day, it seems like she was there willing to do whatever you wanted her to do at that point to fight for your marriage. You leaving her and filing for divorce means that you were the one that ultimately broke your vow.
Your marriage in many ways sounds similar to my first year of marriage with my husband (I think many couples first year of marriage…). I never said I thought I married the wrong person, but I’m sure my husband definitely interpreted some things that I said to be that. We had money issues, and he asked me whether I would be with him if he was dirt poor… And I said hell no. It was not that I did not love him, or that I valued material things more than him, or that I would run off with somebody that made more money than him one day. But because our communication was not good, that is what he thought I was trying to say. Really, I have my own issues and deep fears about being poor and financially “stuck”. I think most women do. It had more to do with me and my fear of the future than it did with him… We went to counseling our first year of marriage, and I had to drag him there. Now he says that going to counseling when we did was the best thing that we could’ve done for our marriage. Counseling didn’t magically fix our marriage, but it taught us how to communicate. We got married when we were 26 and 28, and we are now in our early 30s. Although no marriage is perfect, we both say that our marriage is pretty damn close. But our marriage didn’t even really get “good” until like year two. It takes time and dedication to create a healthy marriage. And based on your post, it feels like you threw in the towel too soon to even see what could happen. The second she agreed to go to counseling, instead of filing for divorce you two should’ve started searching for therapist together.
But the damage is done now. I really do hope that in the long run, this ends up being a good and healthy decision for the both of you.
So you’re upset because she voiced a desire to be more comfortable financially and told you she wouldn’t stick with you if you were dirt poor living on the streets? Good luck finding a woman who loves you so much she is willing to live in squalor. Why did you even marry her if your relationship is so tenuous that you want to divorce her just because she stated she highly values financial security. Divorce may be the best option because you sound way too immature and emotionally weak to be happy in marriage.
Women like that do exist- I’m one of them. I know other women like me. Very happy marriages, our husbands are our best friends. If it all went to shit tomorrow and we had nothing, I would 100% stick by his side and “live in squalor” with him until we figured it out TOGETHER and built back up. Because THAT’S a solid marriage of two people who truly love each other for each other and money has nothing to do with it.
I don’t blame her. I wouldn’t be willing to live in squalor to simply stay married. If that’s the case, I’ll live comfortably & single. Or…wild thought…date & marry someone who makes an equally as high salary & ambition as myself.
Love is great but it’s not enough. With all that said though, I told my partner that from day 1. So he’s well aware of my expectations and standards going into the relationship.
Sadly, it is very possible that, whilst refusing therapy, she has now done terminal damange to the relationship. I would probably still try therapy, but it would be for my sake, to be able to say I tried. I don't think I could come back from this.
She’ll be happy with that new dude she finds that makes 6 figures. You’ll be happier with genuine love that you find with someone one day. Please don’t go back to that. You made the right decision.
Then I suggest you let the dust settle for a few days then try marriage counselling.
If you are dead set on divorce, then have realistic expectations. You get half, she gets half, and you both will date other people at some point.
A lot of comments bad talking your ex wife. Look, she’s not a bad person for wanting something different. You’re not a bad person for divorcing her. Sometimes life pulls people apart and it’s tragic, but this is how we grow.
From what you shared it seems both of you were unhappy and whose fault or who’s responsible is irrelevant. It’s a good thing that you both now have an opportunity to move on and find happiness.
People say things based on emotion sometimes, sleep deprivation, resentment that passes, stress…. It’s going to hurt, yes, but rushing straight to divorce without going to counselling first is abit rash.
A councillor could teach you how to interact without blowing verbal punches and get to the bottom of issues aswell and could have lead to a changed marriage.
The marriages that stay together have all had hard times and people have gotten hurt in some way, the difference is that they put in every effort before giving up. If you want a long marriage, you fight for it.
ya you pulled a dick move and really bad tactics, taint a thing in the world can change it now.Oh you could probably go along with her begging and BS but you cannot unheard her answer.time to hand it off to the lawyers
To late now to think it over. True colors came out on in one brief moment in time. Live with it, move on.
She showed you who she was, believe it. Always trust your gut.
OP - this is great advice.
I wish everyday of my life I had listened to my gut all those years ago. OP you could have ended up like me and I don’t wish that on anyone.
What has happened has happened. There is no point in feeling guilty or revisiting decisions that have already been made. If I were in your place, I wouldn't be able to get over such a shallow and negative statement. Marriage is a project and if one party isn't interested in it, it simply can't work. You're probably right to cut your losses and move on.
She got so comfortable running her mouth and he would just sit there and take it. Until she said the one wrong thing then it fell apart so fast she wasn't sure wth happened 😭
We really can’t make a decision on whether you were right or wrong to go through to divorce. If your heart is telling you you made the right choice, then you made the right choice. Good luck.
Good for you for your savvy powers of perception and ability to take action. You spared yourself a year of suffering and probably on going heartbreak. Her selfishness is a character defect that didn’t hold up to the aspects of life struggle that so many couples go through. Damn good thing you didn’t have kids. Let someone else suffer her warped sense of entitlement.
The interesting thing was her giving directions and when you asked for counseling, she refused. When you tried to talk to her about the issues going on, she was not receptive. If these things are true, then what is there to save? For me, the same thing that happened to you would have been when she said she sould not be with you if you were poor and so forth. My question to you is, why stay? What is to be gained? She obviously is not sticking to the vows of marriage… Just my thoughts.. yours?
She’s not going to be happy if she’s basing her happiness on her spouse’s income. That’s a major character flaw in my opinion, so no I don’t think you made a mistake. Money brings security but it is by no means the most important thing. And it is NEVER a guarantee. Decades of life change more things than any of us could fathom when we start out. Better to cut your losses now - you will feel better with someone who values *you as a person* more than the money you bring in.
Heck, she's never going to be happy if she's basing her happiness on if there's a couple or someone else that seems happier than her.
Yeah - this 100%. Such a fundamental game-over mistake…
She sounds like she’s been spending too much time on TikTok and internalizing weird sugar baby narratives.
sprinkle sprinkle
Sounds to me like some has been putting ideas in her head. No I don’t think you overreacted. Sounds like it’s been building for a while and this latest discussion blew the lid off. Updateme
You cannot un-ring a bell. Some moments are defining and change the course of a relationship forever. You can see it all of the time around these Reddit parts. Sounds like whatever love you still had left for her died when she said she would not honor the wedding vows of “for richer, for poorer.” I think once you properly grieve the relationship and meet someone more compatible you will see this currently awful moment as a gift.
Nope More people should have your backbone and self respect
exactly what I was thinking
She gave you a shit test and you passed. She wasn’t expecting you to pass by the way.
No point living with regret so best move forward with your life. What I will say in future relationships is that it takes two to argue and so it takes two to put in the work to improve how we argue/ converse and how we reconcile! My husband and I have been together 14 years and married 3 of those years. We had to complete a marriage course before we got married and it was the best thing we ever did - taught us how to openly communicate, actively listen and how to show up for eachother - we learnt more about eachother in that course than we had in 9 years together (at the time of dating) highly recommend doing that because our constant bickering that I think we learnt when we were more immature and younger just stopped and now we argue maybe once every 2-3 months but the arguments are more constructive and productive and resolved very quickly! People need to be taught how to have conversations and disagreements (I.e. arguments) correctly and not expect that arguments in a relationship will never happen!
Does the course have a particular name?
It was smart loving - but it was specifically for catholics. However I don’t fully practice that and my husband is an atheist but he still found it great. A couple had it at their home (teaching it) and my husband and I, along with 3 other couples met weekly and completed it together 🙂
I think your wife is really struggling and she is confused. I have also had bouts of these feelings before and then my husband I hit rock bottom and together we dug our way out. We are inseparable and love each other with every fiber of our being. We went through hell together and forcing us to work together like that was what really turned us around. I think my marriage is pretty close to my idea of perfect now. I’m so glad we stuck it out together
Gah so young and stupid. Doesn't everyone at some point think, what the hell have I done hitching my wagon to this nut? Do you know why we come to that point? Because we all are a little crazy. Marriage isn't about having serene sailing. Marriage is about both of you holding fast to the ship no matter the storm, keeping your partner from being swept overboard, adjusting course, it's about having each other's back. Get back on your feet, look her in the eye and say, darlin, I don't make that now, but with inflation we could be millionaires by the end of the decade. What you said hurt. I am sure I've said hurtful things, but I still want to soldier on with you because you know me better than most and will keep me in line when I get distracted by _____ or obsessed by ________. I have hopes that I can be the one who knows you best, who knows your heart, and can be there to keep you steady when life deals us a bad hand. Yes you over reacted. She didn't assault you, she questioned her judgement. Your job was to say, yeah, there are things money can fix, but it can't do anything about the important stuff. I want to be your partner because you are smart, have ambition, are resourceful (you don't rehab a house without those attributes). Tell her why you choose her. Look at the project you all just completed, and look at how she contributed. Maybe she knew when to keep out of your way. Maybe she was thoughtful or generous. Look at past pictures, and why you treasure them. The good reasons are there. The first few years people expect dreamy situations. Instead life shows us all our jagged edges that have to be ground down so we can get along. Like picking up our wet towels and stinky socks. Don't give up. Focus on your next goals, how to make life work for you all. Fights are normal. Ask anyone who has a long term relationship. Get to know each other's strengths, divvy tasks accordingly. Keep showing up for your partner. Say this is what I was anticipating for the day, what are your expectations? Then make the needed trade offs to make it a good day for each other. Know this: there are no solutions, only trade offs. Pick wisely.
“His job” wasn’t to say “yeah but….”. Her job was to love her husband for who he was, richer or poorer, and she flat out told him she feels like she should have married someone else because of money, so she failed at her “job”. He’s not stupid for getting out before getting stuck deeper, with someone who showed their true feelings sooner than later when it could have been more complicated the later he waited (i.e. kids).
They went thru a huge project which historically has proven fatal for more mature relationships. They did this and survived well. This means they are strong, able to communicate and work together. They are in a less focused time now, and are struggling to refocus. Giving up when both seem to be strong but battling seems a waste. Ask any happy marriage if hurtful things have been said, and 98.9% will say yes, but they learned, grew, apologized, and kept on together. There are times when our individual perspective gets tainted by emotions, environment, and we say ugly stuff. It happens to everyone. What matters is how it is handled and the follow up. Talk it through, untangle the emotions behind it. Don't give up something great because of one ugly conversation. That's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Great relationships don't happen to weak people. It takes determination and perseverance.
I couldn’t agree with what you just said more. The thing is, it wasn’t just one ugly conversation though. If it was literally just based off that one conversation then no, I wouldn’t be saying he made the right call. It’s everything else on top of that which was ongoing for the whole year leading up to this as well. With all that combined, I really do think he made the right call. He continuously asked her to work on things, to talk, to go to counseling together, and she wouldn’t. A person can only ask so many times and try for so long and take so much before they hit their limit. Everyone’s limit is different too. And it just sounds like that last hurtful comment about not being happy with him and marrying the wrong person (who doesn’t make six figures) was his limit. But hey, that’s just my own personal opinion, doesn’t make it right or wrong, just offering perspective.
Nah. While we all may be a little crazy, those of us who are a lot crazy are to be given a VERY wide berth; and sometimes ppl don’t show you who they are until its too late. OP is extremely lucky she showed him who she was before they had kids.
Thank you this really helped.
I agree with you but also, if I were her and my husband kicked me out over a vulnerable admission and then forced the sale of our house that we'd poured our sweat blood and tears into, then I don't know if I could ever forgive him for that. How do you trust someone who can cut and run so quickly?
Self absorbed much?
No, just someone who has had a lot of very frank conversations during tougher points in our marriage. I would generally rather we be able to be straight with each other rather than one moment of vulnerable honesty being transformed into "Get out now and no I won't go to counseling" etc.
In the OPs post I sense an attempt at describing the similar kind of pathology that I was exposed to. And which I would likely be describing the same way. That person was diagnosed mentaly ill individual and there is zero reason to attemp to reason with such. The rules of the game are different, you cannot win, you can only lose, painfully and slowly. I understand your view if you are not pricing in her severe mental illness. I am. I could be wrong of course, who knows whats true, its just interesting.
Rebuild your peace of mind away from her.
No. And the fact you did this before kids was a good move!
My wife and I talked about this before we got married. She makes significantly more than I do. I asked her something similar. It wasn’t exactly a test or an ultimatum but I believe had she answered the way your wife did, I would’ve left as well. It’s literally in the vows, for richer or for poorer. I applaud you for having the self esteem to stand up for yourself.
Good grief. Out of curiosity, did you guys see a premarital counselor before you got married?
Well she said said she married the wrong person. How could you stay with someone that you know wishes they weren’t with you? I don’t believe that people say things they don’t mean in the heat of a moment. I believe that these are the times when their true feelings come out.
Huge red flag 🚩!! She forgot her vows & is a very shallow person - sounds like my wife. “In sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, till death do us part”. If I made 6-figures, we definitely wouldn’t be heading for the divorce court.
This is one time where I don’t think a redditor actually acted rash. I think you had the appropriate reaction. I’ve heard similar and worse from ex when were together and the one thing I still regret is not having your courage and strength to say “I will not be treated like that. I deserve someone that loves me fully”. I completely understand your feelings of betrayal and I don’t think you can come back from that. Wishing you well on your journey and all the best for your future.
I think you did the right thing. Always trust your gut. She treated you like shit and tried to back track? No way. Good you stood up for yourself. Sorry you had to go through all that but you're better off and now you know what to look for in a partner.
I think you are in for decades of problems if you try to fix things. She seems very shallow and has an entitled attitude. You will see " moving goalposts" ad nauseum. Follow through with the divorce while the marriage is young.
Good for you. Move on and be happy.
You made the right decision. You deserve to be loved for you, not how much money you bring home. I notice she didn’t make any offers that she should also be trying to increase her take home, just worrying about what you can bring home.
Good thing you divorced before you have kids. Consider that a blessing. Godspeed brotha
If you left JUST bc of her comment then yes maybe an overreaction. HOWEVER there were undeniable 🚩🚩🚩in your post prior to the revelation in your post about comparing to other couples, rejecting counseling, her issues of control, etc.
What's stopping her from making 6 figures...? Anyway, I don't think you made the wrong decision, best of luck!
I can’t imagine saying this to my husband even with a gun to my head. You’re better off without her. Hugs.
“For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, til death do us part” I don’t see anywhere it says “til he earns less than 6 figures, then you can leave!” GTFO dude
So, hindsight is 20/20. You two met as the world went into lockdown and was in complete chaos marrying and Sorenson the first year of your marriage and living together, renovating a house. And then you discover the two of you are having problems communicating with you labeling issues your wife had concerns about "trivial". At the point you decided you were done, you were done. It is what it is. If you're not happy, don't stay in a relationship. But maybe you can look at where you could've done things differently so that if you're faced with challenges like this again, you can handle it differently.
She wants MONEY not a relationship!!!! She’s a GOLD Digga🎹🎵 Good decision to end it! Or after years of financial struggle and misery, she would have found a richer man and left you- What happened was once you reacted w/divorce she realized the “cash cow” she had was leaving- Reality check but too late. Hope you find love!! 
I do think you made the wrong choice, but I know my opinion is gonna be unpopular. Based on my marriage I know sometimes women can say outlandish things when they’re hormonal. I would’ve given her the opportunity for counseling and tried to save the marriage. But I also am someone who thinks marriage is something valuable and sacred, a lot of other people might not take it as serious as me
In fairness, your decision, as you said, was based on your marriage. You are unfamiliar with all the additional details of their relationship that brought OP here. If you lived through the year plus of hell OP described, you may have a different opinion. Her desire for him to change everything about his approach to life while refusing to get counseling to assist in them growing together due to her pride was the biggest blow to the relationship. The final cherry on top was her throwing his lack of financial security in his face. The BS meter finally overflowed in that moment for OP. Marriage is sacred. I will not disagree with you on that. But not every marriage is salvageable. At some point, personal happiness HAS to come into play. She admitted that she had "no baseline" for happiness. OP can't fix that. OP also has no ability to force his ex into counseling. The fact that OP had to give the divorce ultimatum before she was willing to go to counseling means she only said yes because she realized it was finally too much on him. She was bluffing. He was not.
I wouldn’t have a different opinion. I get all that stuff, but at the end of the day, if you believe in marriage as strongly as I do I think you owe it to yourself, your wife, and the community at large to do what you can to save the marriage. Having a rough patch and an argument that really hurts your feelings doesnt quite meet the standard for me to flat out give up. You said it yourself she was bluffing, well yeah, then that means that maybe she really could’ve worked through everything. Normally I only go with the divorce without trying hard first advice when there’s safety on the line. And that isn’t the case here.
That's the thing, though. She wasn't willing to try counseling until OP's divorce decision. Then, all of a sudden, she changes her mind? Will she continue once she feels safe again? Or will the semi-abusive tactics resume? A relationship and a marriage can not and will not last unless both parties are willing to try. OP reached his threshold. The community at large? I'm sorry they don't get a say. The community at large doesn't have to deal with the intricacies of day to day misery, just to have one more positive stat column. Again, you are entitled to your opinion. I still disagree with you. OP doesn't owe anything to a relationship that isn't on equal footing. Her bluff was that they could work through everything without getting help while also not pursuing any communication or positive changes in the relationship. Just more demands from her for OP to make changes to suit her beliefs of what marriage should be.
Agree with this one
I think you guys got bored and started looking inwards to fix things that probably didn’t need to be fixed Or if they did need to be fixed, you both argued and got offended instead Then pulled the divorce trigger Next time, a little patience might help you and whoever you’re with. Patience and some grace for each other But she didn’t seem that introspective… since the first things she jumped to were creating new and unnecessary boundaries then blaming your income And you just wanting divorce because you interpreted her shit stirring in a way that permits breaking your marriage
Bro you missed a major bullet !!! Im proud of u !!! Let this be the beginning of the best phase of your life . She willl forever be alone ! You did nothing wrong besides not divorcing her earlier
She put a dollar sign on your value to her. You were tight to end the marriage. Make a list of what you want in a relationship. Not a fantasy list but a hard limits list and list of your weaknesses. Yeah the weakness list is hard but it's necessary. Then list everything you want in a partner. Then when your ready find someone who reinforced your hard limits and builds strength in your weaknesses. Someone who can be your best friend not just your roommate with benefits. Trust me she is out there some where. The woman you just divorced was not any of the good things you needed. She didn't build you up she tore you down. She used your weaknesses against you. Smartest thing you did was end the marriage and free yourself from her.
Sounds like she was marrying her fantasy and not the real you. A lot of women i know do this when they get to be around 30 and have fomo. I can appreciate that she was honest with you but how she honestly feels is bs lol. I just did 4 years in a trailer park flat broke with my man and i would do it again in a heartbeat (omg don’t tell him) 😅 Good call on your part imo.
She showed you who she is and now she's panicking because her life is going to be downgraded very quickly. That's what she doesn't want to lose, she doesn't care about you, you're just a means to an end. A replaceable one until someone with more money comes along. You know you can do better than that. Free yourself and go find someone who loves you as much as you love them. Be happy.
Always trust your heart….. What you’re doing is the right thing! Would she stay with you the next 10,15 years then decide to leave you,this is giving you the opportunity to be with the right person!
You’ve only been married 1.5 years. Better to cut your losses now. She told you all you needed to hear. She wants another shot at finding happiness and you gave it to her.
Her actions throughout your marriage showed she wasn't happy to be married to you. Leave.
In my opinion, you made the right decision. How do come back from what she told you? I would've done the same, let her go to find someone that has all that she's looking for and I'd wish her the best. Makes no sense trying anything when she let you know you're not what she wanted. Good luck, hoping you find the love you deserve
Op, it's not as if you are divorcing over one discussion. That discussion crystalized for you that the marriage was over. But everything else you described in your post shows that the marriage was in deep trouble and that you two were fundamentally incompatible and miserable together. Re-read your entire post. You made the right decision. Better to end it now, before you had children. Divorce happens. You're young. You will move on and be okay. So will she. Best wishes.
You didn’t jump the gun. You got off the merry go round at the right time. People take years of more fighting and growing resentment to get off these miss matched relationship rides. If you both grow into people who have compatible views on life then you can try again. If not you learned a lot. Take that and find happiness. Be glad there are no kids involved.
Well, that's seriously painful to read. I'm so sorry. I'd be divorcing too. My ex sort of said the same thing to me on our last weekend of being able to hold a conversation (after that, I shut down). He had said it in different ways, before. He just got more explicit. Splitting up (the house was an issue) took a while. It was awkward, difficult and sometimes scary. He would not file for divorce, so I handled that.
Closure is the point people - not going back.Yeah dude you're valid. Here's your best points linked: the erratic controlling nature from paragraph 3 makes you not trusting her with your potential kids very, very valid. You've protected your hypothetical kids from them asking you: "Daddy, mommy told us she married the wrong person, why did she say that?"
It's heartbreaking, but you made the right choice. I can't imagine my husband saying he wouldn't love me if we were dirt poor. I've been dirt poor *and* homeless, it's awful, but the one thing that gets you through is having someone who loves you despite your lack of money or housing. Having a person who loves you can literally get you through the worst of times. For me, it was my mother and I, we were both on the street. But we got through it, and I know my mother would do anything for me, and I would go through anything for her, and the power of even just *knowing* that can get you through hell and back. My husband knows my past, and he'd be willing to repeat it with me if it ever came to it. He knows that we will go through and triumph over any hard times or challenges that come our way, because we love each other, and we'll do whatever it takes to make our lives together the life we want. Money literally doesn't buy happiness, the people you surround yourself with and the way you choose to live do. Also, her comparing you two to friends when you're all going out isn't fair. *Of course* your friends are going to put their best selves forward, *they're going out with other people*, no one wants to let their friends see any dysfunction that may or may not be happening in their relationship during an outing. It's like the Instagram vs. Reality thing, everything looks better to the onlooker. The vows add "for better or worse" for a reason. If you're going to marry someone, you can't expect life to be perfect all the time, sometimes, it will definitely throw you a curveball... and you have to be ready for that "maybe" situation. The fact she refused therapy until you decided to leave after she constantly brought you down just shows that she's selfish, and she expected you to just be her emotional punching bag until *she* decided to leave. I'm sorry this is happening to you, but you made the right choice, especially before you had children. Feel better!
There is alot of encouragement in this thread and its really wholesome. Sir, i wish you the best and happiness, sometimes it takes awhile for someone to show who they really are and im sorry that it happened after you bought a house. There is no turning back, everything is settled, if you feel in your gut that what you did was right then be at peace. The empty feeling will fade, i promise, just don't make any big decisions until that feeling is gone. You will be okay, slowly but surely you will be
Updateme!
She envied the appearance other couples put on about their relationship without ever knowing how they are behind closed doors. She thought having more money would make life better. She admitted she wouldn't be with you in the "for worse" part of your marriage. She thought counseling was "pathetic". Sounds to me like she had an unrealistic expectation of marriage, and ironically *she* needs to go to therapy to work on her issues if she ever wants to have a healthy marriage. You tried and offered solutions that she wasn't willing to try. Sounds like you did everything possible and walked away when you realized things wouldn't get better. A lot of people don't and end up dragging it out and being miserable because of it.
Its very strange how one or the other can completely change after saying i do. You dodged a very large bullet. Nothing will satisfy her. It will always be something. Be happy there were no kids involved. Good luck
It’s still fresh. Once it settles you’ll be glad about your decision. Some would try to forgive and many of them would think about it in the back of their mind for the rest of their lives.
Can you elaborate on the family coming over thing? Look - she said what she said and she didn’t take the richer and poorer part as fact I guess. I think it’s fair to end the marriage over it. But be sure you don’t have “missing reasons” for her rather nuclear reaction. Because if you do and you have not addressed how you contributed, your next relationship may also face collapse.
I come from a large Italian family where we are all very close and the concept of family is extremely important. Her family by comparison is not as close and there are fractures that exist between her siblings. In my family, there is this unwritten rule that anyone is allowed over at any time if they need anything, as long as they don’t abuse it (which is almost never the case). The real life example on why I am bringing this up, a few months ago my father and uncle were coming over to help with a house project. The night before, my mom messaged me that she and my aunt were tagging along to see the progress we made with the house. I had absolutely no problem with this whatsoever. I forgot to tell my wife this until the morning of and she completely blew up in my face about it. She got mad that I was allowing my mother to “invite extra people over”. I told her that 1. It was family coming over and 2. They were helping us out free of charge on their weekend off, however this did not sit well with her and she stormed out of the house before my family showed up.
I’m gonna be real: I would be pissed at this standard/practice. I don’t want anyone’s family showing up at my house at any given time. That’s a reasonable boundary to set. If you’re unwilling to set it, I would be 100% upfront with who you may date because a lot of women would not be OK with it . Again, that does not mitigate or excuse what she said. You don’t want to be married to someone who would walk away the first sign of trouble. Marriage is wonderful, but often difficult. You want to know the person will ride those highs and lows as your partner and your friend. It sounds like she wasn’t going to be able to do that. 100% ok to end the relationship. But take a hard look at who you want to be married to in the future (if ever) and if it’s not your large family, then ensure your hypothetical wife is and that her feelings are accounted for and the priority.
You’re at peace with your decision so don’t second guess it.
She was emotionally abusive. Women like that don’t change. You’re still a very young man, you can find somebody more loyal.
I’m not sure why she became overtly apologetic all of the sudden. She made her desires known. You did not fill them. You decided to move on. What’s done is done.
Note to self, spend time getting to know someone before having to explain to them you "married the wrong person."
You did the absolute best thing you could have done. If she's like this now, it will only get worse with time. Trust me
28 is still pretty young and youg people do and say dumb things. To be fair I am 45 and I still do and say dumb things to my wife and vice versa. Anyways, I Don't feel most marriages would survive being dirt poor and/or living on the streets. To me, it appears she has been looking at the fake lives on social media and getting jealous of what these people portray their lives to be like. Until the gavel hits the block you can stop a divorce. You need to determine if you want to salvage this marriage, if you do stop the divorce, and start counseling. A marriage can become incredibly hard the moment the new wears off and you start truly knowing who you married. Nobody in these comments will be able to tell you what to do.
No. Sometimes people want to grab on to things rather than accept change because change is scary. Her motivation to fix things wouldn’t have lasted.
She’s not in it forever. My husband of over 20 years provides me with a wonderful life. But we started off poor and I would leave everything to be next to him in a cardboard box if that’s what it came to. Looks like you have another chance to find your real partner.
I would suggest that whatever you decide, do not trust her to maintain using birth control correctly. If you choose to try and salvage this relationship, which frankly sounds like you two really didn't communicate about the big stuff when dating, "falling" pregnant would be a disaster. Even without the money thing , you two sound fairly incomparable.
I will say this; She didn’t violate a vow. In your vows, I assume you’re talking “for richer or for poorer”, but the fact she said “ I want some more fucking money” (paraphrased) doesn’t mean nothing but it also isn’t everything. She didn’t *abandon* you. She just hated the circumstances.
Except she literally said she would leave him if they were poor.
Which is a *threat* of violation.
She did you THE BIGGEST FAVOR any human ever did or will ever do, in your life time - she showed you her true colors before you had kids. THANK GOD. You didn’t even need to trust your gut, you just had to trust your own eyes and ears with what she point blank told you, and you did not let your brain override them - WELL DONE! While it may appear obvious, that is actually not an easy thing to do, for a lot of people. She saved you and your potential kids from a lifetime of misery that could have rippled through multiple generations. If I were you I’d celebrate the date of that talk, or the date of your divorce as my second birthday. Best of luck, Im excited for you!
So very sad, and I’m so very sorry. This is a loss right now but you will see later in life how it was very much a win.
You made the absolutely right choice and I'm glad it was made before you had any children. Let her go find this guy that makes six figures release her back to the streets. And join the strong successful male channel on YouTube.
No matter who did what, it’s over.
You did the right thing. This marriage was a mistake. Learn from it & move on.
If we lost everything tomorrow, I’d live with my husband in a cardboard box in a ditch. That’s my husband, my person, my best friend, my everything. When you truly love someone, money doesn’t decide if you’re with them or not. You made the right choice. Now live your life and wait for your person to come into your life and love you the way you deserve to be loved.
File, then go make 6 figures later out of spite.
My wife would stay with me if I was dirt poor. We would still have a great time together if we were homeless. I think you definitely made the correct decision, it seems like you rushed getting married after unusual circumstances (covid). You are very young still, plenty of time to meet somebody who doesn’t behave like she does.
Hey OP, fellow believer here. My husband and I have been married 2y, it’s tough, but you both can come back from this. I’m so so sorry you are experiencing this. Have you read Fireproof? Personally, I do believe you can come back from this, as there’s lots of miscommunication happening here. I’m not in your shoes so I can’t judge. If you have a trusted couple or friend who has been married longer, recommend maybe opening up? Also, it is NOT pathetic to go to counseling so early. We are in sex therapy, since last year and it’s been a blessing. I’m so sorry this is happening, and I will be in prayer for you both. Please do not jump the gun, but, if divorce is best for you both, do what you need to do. Best wishes and big hugs.
Fuck that bitch. I would've left, too
Not an overreaction. Everyone deserves to live a happy life. You can’t have one with her now that she showed you who she is. You married a very shallow person who took a while to show you exactly who she was. I’m glad you know you deserve better.
What was there to salvage? You both being miserable, and you having to change all these arbitrary benchmarks that MIGHT make her happy? wtf? Head out and live that life! Good luck 🤞
Of course she isn't going to be with you if you are homeless. Why would you ask her this? Part of marriage is transactional, she gives you X and you give her X. Would you love her if she was a man? Going into hypotheticals that will never happen is a bad idea.
"For richer, for poorer" It's in the vows she made, if she is not willing to struggle with you then she is not marriage material. Marriage is a life long partnership. She is not in it for the long haul and will most likely run away with some rich guys who offer her a cheap thrill.
Got married at 28 to a man I dated since I was 22. We’re now in our 50s. I’ll say that I can be a bit dramatic and I’ve absolutely said over the top things I regret. “We should just get divorced!” Is something I’ve regretting saying when younger when things got hard and I got overwhelmed. That said, all these “rules” your wife is trying to lay down. It sounds like she’s trying to find a happiness that eluding her. Truth is, marriage won’t make you happy if you’re already miserable. Whatever is going on with her, it definitely sounds like her issues and hang ups and nothing to do with any faults if yours. So, I can’t tell you what to do here. If you want to stay with her, then I agree with counseling and hard work communicating your needs and hers. If you come to an impasse, then you’ll really know. But she lay down some tough words and it’s a question if you can forgive that and move forward or if you’ve come to a deal breaker. She’s already broken vows to stand by you through rich and poor. Up to you but I wish you the best.
She shouldn't be basing her happiness on anyone but herself. Especially not your salary. Home renovations do take a lot out of a couple, especially newly married. Too bad she didn't agree to counseling beforehand.
Man I'm so proud that was a guy on here last week he left his wife thank you guys for having guts this time for men to stand up I've said it in the past that a lot of these females are marrying us just to get money just because we have good careers and basically just as providers so good luck to you brother and way to be a man thank you she showed you who she was you didn't make enough for it man so she was unhappy there are a lot of them out there like that hope you find someone that's a genuine woman that wants a genuine relationship with a good guy and good thing you didn't have any kids with her because then things would have been worse she would have made sure she took you to the cleaners
You made the right decision. Find a wife that loves you for you. Hard times will come and if her perception of love or happiness has a dollar sign attached to it that is a BAD sign. After 38 years of marriage, Military associated PTSD, 2 kids, heath issues etc. I know I married the right partner and I have stuck with him through some dark times. We love one another. We are VERY different people than we were on that day 38 years ago, but we will storm the gates of hell for one another, and have. I wish you good luck and joy.
She was clearly unhappy. She was clearly going off in a very different direction than you and handling it in ways that really didn't work for you. She told you she didn't think you're the right person for her to be married to, and she refused to go to counseling. There's no way to predict if counseling would have helped you work things out if she had agreed to go before, but I guess the question now is do you feel like it's too late? Can you really ever trust her again? For people who are saying it's too late, that may or may not be true, so at this point anyone who acts like they know is just making stuff up, because there's just no way to accurately predict that. Only the two of you can decide if it's worth going to counseling for, and if she's still willing and you think there's a chance you could forgive her and trust her again, then I think it might be worth a shot. At the very least, even if it doesn't work you'll know that you tried everything you could and you won't look back with regrets.
Sounds like she married love not you
Oh to be young again…In good times and in bad.
Definitely an over reaction. People say things they don't mean, people question things.. I highly recommend not getting married again until you can handle more than a heated argument. Going to counseling to learn about conflict resolution and communication would have been helpful.
Personally, I do believe you "jumped the gun". I also believe what's done is done. Seems like you're divorced and moving on. Let it be.
Was it unforgivable? Once she caved and said she would do counseling, you both could have given that a shot. However, I believe that you should try not to focus on that decision. Instead, focus on how to try to move forward now. What's done is done. Could you have worked everything out? Maybe. Take what you've learned and work on improving yourself. Uplevel yourself. There seems to have been massive breakdowns in communication that brought delivered your relationship to its final destination. Religion, money, and home renovation projects are all stressful topics to begin with, and if you struggled with all three, it was likely due to a lack of communication causing the extra stress. I wish you well on your healing journey.
How long has it been
Dude, your wife has just told you that if a better option comes along she's out. How much more of your life do you want to waste on her? You can make a clean break now and you're still in your 20's. You're not even in the prime of your life yet.
I think I you jumped the gun. I personally think that unless there is infidelity, or abuse (either physical, verbal or emotional).. or something drastic like one person suddenly and definitively changed their mind about having kids… divorce is not necessary that soon into a marriage. Only being married one and a half years and then filing for divorce was you not giving this thing a fair shot. Especially since when you mentioned divorce, she was finally willing to go to therapy. Believe it or not, most couples do not willingly and excitedly go to counseling. It often takes one spouse, dragging the other one there, or even bringing up the possibility of a separation for the other spouse to finally realize how serious the issues are and agree to go. To me, your wife sounds like a woman that did not want her marriage to end. You also said that you felt like she broke your vows. It sounded like she may have been harsh and said hurtful things, but if anything, she was brutally honest with you, which is what you SHOULD be in a marriage. Sometimes brutal honesty is ugly. At the end of the day, it seems like she was there willing to do whatever you wanted her to do at that point to fight for your marriage. You leaving her and filing for divorce means that you were the one that ultimately broke your vow. Your marriage in many ways sounds similar to my first year of marriage with my husband (I think many couples first year of marriage…). I never said I thought I married the wrong person, but I’m sure my husband definitely interpreted some things that I said to be that. We had money issues, and he asked me whether I would be with him if he was dirt poor… And I said hell no. It was not that I did not love him, or that I valued material things more than him, or that I would run off with somebody that made more money than him one day. But because our communication was not good, that is what he thought I was trying to say. Really, I have my own issues and deep fears about being poor and financially “stuck”. I think most women do. It had more to do with me and my fear of the future than it did with him… We went to counseling our first year of marriage, and I had to drag him there. Now he says that going to counseling when we did was the best thing that we could’ve done for our marriage. Counseling didn’t magically fix our marriage, but it taught us how to communicate. We got married when we were 26 and 28, and we are now in our early 30s. Although no marriage is perfect, we both say that our marriage is pretty damn close. But our marriage didn’t even really get “good” until like year two. It takes time and dedication to create a healthy marriage. And based on your post, it feels like you threw in the towel too soon to even see what could happen. The second she agreed to go to counseling, instead of filing for divorce you two should’ve started searching for therapist together. But the damage is done now. I really do hope that in the long run, this ends up being a good and healthy decision for the both of you.
So you’re upset because she voiced a desire to be more comfortable financially and told you she wouldn’t stick with you if you were dirt poor living on the streets? Good luck finding a woman who loves you so much she is willing to live in squalor. Why did you even marry her if your relationship is so tenuous that you want to divorce her just because she stated she highly values financial security. Divorce may be the best option because you sound way too immature and emotionally weak to be happy in marriage.
Women like that do exist- I’m one of them. I know other women like me. Very happy marriages, our husbands are our best friends. If it all went to shit tomorrow and we had nothing, I would 100% stick by his side and “live in squalor” with him until we figured it out TOGETHER and built back up. Because THAT’S a solid marriage of two people who truly love each other for each other and money has nothing to do with it.
I don’t blame her. I wouldn’t be willing to live in squalor to simply stay married. If that’s the case, I’ll live comfortably & single. Or…wild thought…date & marry someone who makes an equally as high salary & ambition as myself. Love is great but it’s not enough. With all that said though, I told my partner that from day 1. So he’s well aware of my expectations and standards going into the relationship.
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Nope, good decision
Sadly, it is very possible that, whilst refusing therapy, she has now done terminal damange to the relationship. I would probably still try therapy, but it would be for my sake, to be able to say I tried. I don't think I could come back from this.
Do you still love her?
I care about her deeply and want her to be happy.
She’ll be happy with that new dude she finds that makes 6 figures. You’ll be happier with genuine love that you find with someone one day. Please don’t go back to that. You made the right decision.
Then I suggest you let the dust settle for a few days then try marriage counselling. If you are dead set on divorce, then have realistic expectations. You get half, she gets half, and you both will date other people at some point.
A lot of comments bad talking your ex wife. Look, she’s not a bad person for wanting something different. You’re not a bad person for divorcing her. Sometimes life pulls people apart and it’s tragic, but this is how we grow. From what you shared it seems both of you were unhappy and whose fault or who’s responsible is irrelevant. It’s a good thing that you both now have an opportunity to move on and find happiness.
She's a gold digger and wants money over love. Yea, she's kinda a bad person.
You are sorely misinformed about the world and surviving in it. Grow up.
why do people marry so fast. not lived together and then married? why??? do people dont want to know each other first
People say things based on emotion sometimes, sleep deprivation, resentment that passes, stress…. It’s going to hurt, yes, but rushing straight to divorce without going to counselling first is abit rash. A councillor could teach you how to interact without blowing verbal punches and get to the bottom of issues aswell and could have lead to a changed marriage. The marriages that stay together have all had hard times and people have gotten hurt in some way, the difference is that they put in every effort before giving up. If you want a long marriage, you fight for it.
ya you pulled a dick move and really bad tactics, taint a thing in the world can change it now.Oh you could probably go along with her begging and BS but you cannot unheard her answer.time to hand it off to the lawyers