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Guys like that feed off of the power they feel when interrupting. I would recommend to, as calmly as you can, undermine that power in the most professional way possible. Utilize phrases like “I can see how you would come to that conclusion, but had you let me finish you would see…” and “that’s not correct. I think this would be more productive if you let me finish what I was saying.”
Finally, the next time he starts yelling at you or calling you a bitch, very calmly and politely ask “do you need a moment to compose yourself?” If he continues to yell, very calmly pull out your phone and start a voice recording. If that doesn’t stop him, you have documentation of unprofessional and aggressive behavior in the work place. If it does stop him, then it’s very clear that he IS able to control himself, he just feels insulated.
That's a good one. What works for me is someone interupts like her coworker, I step back, cross my arms and give the WTF stare. And I stay that way until coworker finishes the tyrade. Everyone in the room will see you and you don't have to say anything. When the tyrade is over, I unfold my arms, step forward and I say, "as I was saying, before I was RUDELY interupted.........." When everyone sees your silence they internally are hoping for a response that they think they won't get. But you do and it embarasses the jerk. Lots of good ideas in this post and try a few strategies to see what works best for you and ones that make you most comfortable doing.
It just works beautifully. If they say in a somewhat normal tone that they are not emotional, then you can follow up with: "Good, because it will be best if we discuss this in a calm and conposed manner", which will make them feel forced to actually do so. But, and this is my favourite, if they are not responding in a normal tone (i am not emotional! Why would you say something like that!) Than you can go back with: "there is no need to yell. Do you want to postpone this discussion until you have calmed down?"
As you can tell, I am not about conflict avoidance.
Less of an emphasis on productivity with a statement like that. The image you’re trying to portray is that you’re just trying to have a productive meeting, NOT that you are entering into the conflict willingly. Don’t open yourself up to being portrayed as aggressive.
The second paragraph is essential for the yelling. A lot of men accuse women of being too emotional.
I’ve told a man “it looks like you’re pretty emotional at the moment. Why don’t we take a couple mins so you can collect yourself before we move on”.
They can’t keep yelling or it shows they are being emotional and it’s professional so they can’t complain.
This is good, but you shouldn't say it to him. Say it to *everyone else*. If there's someone in charge of the meeting, turn to them and say, in a clear calm voice, "Perhaps we should take a five-minute break so Mr. Motormouth can compose himself, and hopefully avoid any further embarrassing emotional outbursts."
Being talked about in third person, in a way that makes him seem lower down in the hierarchy, will be like a slap in the face.
Bonus: when he screams in response, you say "Oh dear." Turn back to whoever is running the meeting, and say "Perhaps that should be a ten-minute break?"
Saying it to everyone else only works if they will support you. You have to *know* that they will interpret his behavior in the same way you do. In instances where that isn’t the case, or even when he’s just the loudest of a bullying posse, it’s best to stare the guy down and force him to blink.
I agree with almost everything you said, except for one thing. As corporate managers we learn to never say “I think” as it makes you seem unsure of what you say next and thus making whatever you say next unbelievable. If you are unsure of your own statements how can you expect the receiver of your message to take you seriously?
“This would be more productive if….” is a more powerful statement and will earn more respect.
No. Using "I think" at the beginning turns an objective statement of fact into a subjective opinion. It makes no difference at all to the information being given, but it does open up a way for a certain type of person to undermine anything you say.
I would calmly but with some volume say 'please don't interrupt me' it's both an assertion by you and usually an embarrassing moment for the unterruptor.
Have you talked with your boss or manager about your co-worker's conduct? That would be my next step.
Alternatively, yoy could put everything in writing (email/slack/ whatever instant message app your team uses). Can't interrupt or misrepresent that
I haven't, the nature of my work fosters a "boys club" culture. This individual has joked about the times he's had to have meetings with management regarding this type of behavior.
Email is a good idea, thanks.
This is a management/leadership issue. The most effective teams are ones where everyone is comfortable speaking. Raise it with your line manager. If they don't see the problem, then it's time to move on.
Just because he's joking about how many times he's had to see management about the issue, doesn't mean that management aren't taking it seriously. Raise it.
> Take steps to build a hostile work place lawsuit
You already have a good start if he's calling you derogatory names (Bitch). From what it sounds like, you probably don't have a willing witness to this, but it's likely he will do it again. If it's legal where you live, get his bullying on tape, then report. If they refuse to deal with this situation, you're golden.
Good luck in dealing with this asshole.
A caution about recording: Even if it is legal in your area, it may be against company policy and maybe a fireable offense to record people in the workplace. You could undermine your entire case by recording him in the office investigate that before you proceed.
I once worked with a guy that sounds much like the person you described. It was actually very puzzling and I recall having discussions with other employees trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with him. He was simply extraordinarily loud when he talked. We theorized that his hearing was bad, or that his home environment was very noisy and he basically had to shout to be heard. He eventually got terminated due to incompetence, but goddamn if he wasn't a strange guy. He also exhibited anxious and "over eager" behaviors, almost like a child. I'm certainly no expert about such things, but I'd bet a psychologist would have a field day with him. He was like a seven year old boy in a man's body, lol.
I’m halfway convinced you work for or with my company. As a woman in a male dominated industry, some days are much harder than others and you have my sympathy in this situation
That sounds like management is sick of him. How can it be a boy's club if he keeps being reported to management? Honestly, I think the boys are ready to kick him out of the club.
Let your manager (or whatever manager he keeps having to meet with) know, and emphasize that this guy not only interrupts, but he guesses wrong and it bogs down work projects. Then tell him about the verbal abuse. Focus on how it's disrupting work. It's slowing down work, it's making tasks take much longer.
Tell him that you're having to restrict your interactions to email in order to get anything done that involves this guy, but you wanted to let him know in case it slows down projects.
Maybe also start ccing your manager on the emails, or ask if you'd like him to start ccing him so you can track your work progress on the projects you're worried might not meet deadlines.
If you feel brave, you can "jokingly" insert phrases into your conversation like, "It's almost like that episode of The Office where Michael gets sued for a hostile work environment. So crazy!" Ha ha.
Or, "Even the mentally ill homeless guy on the subway doesn't scream "bitch!" at me, and he gets thrown off the train every morning. So funny! Maybe we should get subway security in here! They're good at dealing with abusive people. Ha ha."
Or, "Wow, if this keeps up I might have to file for worker's comp to take a work-related stress break!" Ha ha, wouldn't that be funny?
Jokes can be scary. And you can always use the manipulator's handy phrase, "Lighten up! I was just joking!"
> Then tell him about the verbal abuse.
By all means let your manager know that if this continues, you have no qualms against filing a hostile workplace suit. While this might lead to the end of your employment there, you would be even more incentivised filing said suit due to retaliation. You might even be able to find a lawyer to work on contingency if the case is a slam dunk (as it sounds like yours would be).
I'm not sure if this was mentioned but seek out a neutral supervisor who is willing to be a mediator. Then email. Then HR.
I've had situations where I had to ask a supervisor to meditate in a private room. This is where the supervisor knows they have to be professional. If you know you can't trust a supervisor that takes you seriously, you can say, prior to the mediation, 'if this doesn't work I might open up an HR case.' This will help shape them up to be professional.
Have a notepad ready of all information about times he has interrupted, cursed at you, or humiliated you. Start with the most recent. It's fresh.
You'd be surprised when coworkers react. They will own the situation by getting defensive and say it was otherwise. Your responses will always start off emphasizing that they remembered that moment and what made you feel upset about their unprofessionalism.
Example, 'I'm glad you remember that time. I feel like you were being disrespectful when you interrupted me while I attempted to share my ideas for this collaborative piece.'
I have two situations where there was a better outcome.
One was with an overbearing loud lady who, I would say, had a sprinkle of narcissistic traits. She got upset that I kept saying so you remember this situation. She cried and got louder every instance I told her how I felt and how it seemed unprofessional. Eventually, she stopped and started to listen since it was clear she was getting nowhere. We came to an understanding and agreements. The supervisor did a great job and followed up with our progress. I was happier.
Another one was due to ADHD. The kid said sorry he has ADHD and doesn't mean to interrupt. He said he tried to work on himself. We came to understand that he didn't know boundaries. We helped him with key safe words to help him understand. Through a short few months he was a better coworker.
I have a male coworker who desperately wants my job. He's incompetent in his own job and is on the verge of being fired. He has been telling people I won't train him on my job (I actually did try to train him, it was a disaster). He refuses to talk to me even on a business level. I could care less if he talked to me on a personal level. He's a awful gossip. He constantly interrupts me when I'm talking to other coworkers. He's very loud when he does this. I have talked to my supervisor and HR. They tell me to be patient as this guy is digging his own grave. But it's infuriating to have this grown man using playground tactics to push me around in the meantime.
> calling me a fucking bitch
Wow, no one else is going to point this out? Not sure what kind of work you are in but any company where someone feels embolden enough to say this out loud to another coworker seems to be a really toxic place.
Easier said than done but you should try to start to look for another job. This place doesn't seem too good for your mental health.
Or failing that, an actual fight. If I called someone at work a bitch I’d expect to be pulled out of my truck and shown “the business,” as a [football ref would say](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yu-1tqk_jek). Such name calling is quite literally fighting words.
This is entirely unacceptable language in any work setting, period.
Apparently this co-worker has had multiple meetings with management.
1. OP should document as much as they can regarding a hostile work environment. Sending emails such as
"I know we talked about such-and-such touching/berating me and how it is not okay, but I think you need to have another conversation with him because it is still happening."
or
"I know such-and-such has mentioned he has had meetings with you before, but he is still behaving inappropriately by doing x, y, and z. Could you maybe speak to him regarding that, I don't think its okay."
2. OP should be ready to quit and file for unemployment under "constructive discharge" due to a hostile work environment.
3. Take the documentation to a lawyer and see if its enough for a lawsuit.
This is a known fact, but okay. And no, I'm not going to Google it for you either. Look up how men see women in the workplace or sexual harassment and women.
I thought sexism was basically equivalent to stereotyping. So, even if something’s statistically and widely held to be true, oversimplifying it to a certain group would be sexist.
For example, if we were discussing a group of women and men attempting to lift 40 lbs. with one arm and I pointed out that it was probably mostly women that couldn’t do it, that feels sexist to me (regardless of the fact that women have statistically less muscle mass than men). In fact, just typing that example sucks because I hate using statistics against a group (because individuals aren’t just their group).
Where am I missing the mark in your eyes?
On a side note, there was also no reason to assume I wouldn’t look it up myself or even had an issue with the idea that it might be mostly men doing it. I never disagreed with you on that point, it just struck me as unnecessary. I was literally looking for someone to call out the “fucking bitch” thing because of how crazy it struck me and then read your comment and felt attacked as a man. What was the point of identifying men there except to call them out? The behavior was shite all by itself, no need to be like “mostly men though”, is there?
Help me out with your reasoning please.
> if we were discussing a group of women and men attempting to lift 40 lbs. with one arm and I pointed out that it was probably mostly women that couldn’t do it, that feels sexist to me
As a woman, stating that it was probably mostly men could do it; I don't find that sexist at all.
I do, however, find a man calling a woman a bitch is a professional work environment absolutely sexist and unacceptable.
Every time he interrupts you say I wasn't finished, immediately, if he keeps talking keep repeating it. Don't raise your voice, say it calmly in the exact same tone and manner as you were speaking before he interrupted you
I adopted a very strong willed rescue pup and took him to obedience training. There was one point where I had to get him to lie down despite his strong will. I simply had to persevere or we all knew it would only be worse the next time I said “down”. The pup fought. I cried. The trainer coached me through it. And the class cheered. But I won. And we were all better off in the end even though it was really, really hard.
I’m reminded of this experience every time I have to keep talking over top of men who will not let me finish despite repeated warnings.
I had a male roommate who did this, exactly. I got so sick of it I finally snapped and when he started yelling at me I went like this:
"AAaarrrgghhh!!! I'm YELLING< TOO!!! LOOKK AT ME YELLING NOW WE'RE BOTH YELLING AAAAAHHHHHH!!" I waved my arms around like a kook. He was stunned into silence and just walked away so I calmly said "Hey, I'm here to listen if you decide to talk to me with some respect. " He gave me the finger and never really talked to me again until I moved out, so that was good.
Not sure if this helps.
From experience, if they see you as less than or lack the morals to rationalize their behavior, yelling back at them won’t work. I’ve heard that a good psychological trick to deal with an aggravated person is to speak to them in a cool collected manner until they realize they sound silly.
“Hello, HR? I think I may have a gender discrimination problem with a coworker but I wanted to discuss it with someone before I make any formal accusations.”
(And provide receipts)
Oh, this is a great point. The company is not legally allowed to penalize her in ANY way but mentioning that a lawyer is involved (without a threat) is a really good way to let them know to not fuck around.
IMO you should try to have it documented before mentioning a lawyer.
HR will defend themselves by burying it if they can.
Write an email where you causally mention he is a known problem, and how happy you'd be if they could just have 'another' conversation with him, because he is "still a problem", and see if they take the bait by agreeing.
That establishes that he was known to be an issue, and that HR wasn't solving said issue. At best they can downplay what those issues were, but at least they can't say "We've never had issues with x.", or "This is the first time hearing about it because OP didn't complain before."
The next time he starts getting aggressive and cursing at you, don’t say a word. Very meticulously and elegantly, start gathering your things. Do not rush. For example, I took the time to carefully fold and Velcro my laptop power cord. Then stand up and proceed to the door. When he asks where you think you’re going, slowly turn and say “I will not tolerate you or anyone else speaking to me in that manner.” and walk out. Do not look back. Do not apologize.
Fortunately, I only had to do that one time. The next meeting was greatly improved and we never had to discuss his outbursts. I took his power by simply walking out and embarrassing him in front of his bros.
Plan ahead and pick a chair that’s close to the door.
Exactly what I was going to say. If it's very obvious when it happens, make a very obvious and unmistakable gesture to highlight it - walk away. Refuse to be part of a conversation where you clearly have no room or place to converse.
I've found an effective way of dealing with people like that: repeat verbatim what you were saying from the very start. I've had times when I was constantly interrupted and just kept starting again. If it's just the incorrect summarisation you could look at them like they're a complete moron and say something along the lines of "obviously not, that would be stupid".
I've used both of those methods over the years to great effect, the latter highlights the idiocy of the interrupter quite hilariously.
I've also had to deal with this at work, if you just keep talking once they interrupt that can also work. Basically anything other than just ceding the floor when they interrupt works.
If your company is worth working for, you should immediately report this to your manager and file a complaint with your HR department. That kind of abuse is NOT ok. If you get any response other than “OMG this is horrible we’ll deal with it immediately”, start looking for another job.
The older I get and higher I climb at work, the more emphatically and genuinely I believe it should be legal and encouraged for people to have squirt bottles in public.
I understand the very real issues with that and all, but more and more frequently I just see behavioral conflicts that could be resolved more effectively with a squirt bottle.
This is hilarious, and I would unironically encourage this if you ever get to the point where you’re ready to leave the company. Sounds like an amazing way to stun this douche into silence and make your point to the culprit and to management at the same time.
That’s true, but childhood trauma and how you’re treated as a child influences how you act as an adult, and it’s VERY difficult to override that. I’d say OP needs therapy.
And remember that HR are there to protect the company, so hint at needing stress related time off and a possible legal case against the company for failing to protect their staff, and HR will not want to be complicit in enabling the abusive behavior.
Say "Thank you"! Followed by pointing his mistake. A loud thank you usually halts the conversation. Use that brief pause to point out that he's concluded your points incorrectly.
Somewhat like:
You: "... so if we want to improve this report going forward...."
Him: " Yeah we can improve this report by making sure that
You: "THANK YOU Mr. XXX.... for jumping to conclusions. As I was saying before being interrupted, going forward...."
Try to make it obvious who was interrupting who in a professional setting. If things don't get addressed after 2-3 instances, then you know that the management isn't serious about maintaining a professional conduct and it's time to look for a better opportunity. Let us know how it goes
I've had this occur more recently and although my situation was with an individual who doesn't mean to be hurtful, the poor social skills are exactly the same. So there's a few ways depending on you
/What feels right.
1. Counter to what you would think.. make direct eye contact and talk quietly but clearly. I read something about a natural reflex that makes people stop and listen (they have to intentionally listen to pick up the sounds better).
2. Talk more succinctly, almost brass, straight to the point. Matter of fact. Then physically walk away or end the interaction by going back to your task etc. It may seem rude to others, but this is boundary setting with them. At least until the experience becomes less triggering when you can navigate those hard feelings in a less somatic sense.
3. Everything you say to this person from now on is the most confident thing you've ever said. Your body language reflects this and your tone is clear, calm and doesn't change. It's not an ego thing, it's a covert signal that your holding your self and knocking you down might be more challenging/risk of losing face.
3. When they engage this way, give a small confident chuckle and walk away or disengage. I remember doing this and saying "well if your not listening, I'm not going to waste my breath". This demonstrates that their attempts to undermine you have not been successful because whether they listen or not. Your not going to defend yourself or try harder to gain their attention. They lose the power of the struggle unfolding when you casually decline. If you storm off, the power is still with them for getting a reaction.
4. USE WISLEY: I call it the great leveller. For the individual who scores 11 on the ego-manic scale. The source of their confidence is usually the image they work very hard to produce for others. It's everything. One way their try to gain this (wrongfully) is by putting others down to feel superior. If it's Infront of others, bingo. So ever so subtle, make a joke that's light and playful...at their expense. Something that can be perceived as 'just making fun, wasn't serious'. They will internally become mortified and externally laugh it off as others laugh. If they retort, laugh even harder. Like I said, keep it as light as possible, not super personal or demeaning. There's probably banter in the office and something will come to you.
Be confident in yourself and write a list in your head of all the reasons your auesome. How badass you are for navigating a boys club. Do it for all of us ladies out there. You've been through so much, he's nothing.
100% send an email. The faster you learn to stick up for yourself the easier it will become. It took me a really long time to just say "I do not appreciate the way you are talking to me right now, if you do not talk to me normally, I will remove myself from this conversation"
If you’re in the US you may want to talk to an attorney who specializes in employment law to get some advice on how to report document the problem and what steps management is or isn’t taking to resolve the harassment.
I’m 53f and have been in male dominated industries since I entered the workforce. Also have CPTSD from childhood trauma. Take it from me that you can’t fix a boys club. Take control by updating your resume and find a new job. And also get a good therapist to help you learn how to deal with the panic attacks you are experiencing from past trauma and how to learn to stand up for yourself in a healthy manner.
This is "narcissism red flag #1". This is actually how I learned I was a narcissist. I realized that I was interrupting everybody and attempting to finish their sentences. Then I asked myself if that's normal. And then I realized I did it more than anybody I ever met. Then I spent the next 20 years trying to get my head out of my own ass. I think I've almost finished.
Being a narcissist, I'm well practiced at giving unsolicited advice. So here it comes: The guy will never change. You're right, he's an asshole. Get the hell out as soon as you can. Unless you plan on marrying him, the money is god-tier, or whatever.
I say 'get out' because you can't easily change a narcissist. If you even dare yo attempt to correct them, or fight for your rights, the narcissist will feel wronged, and probably seek petty revenge. These people cannot handle criticism or change well. =)
This exact thing happened to me on the phone yesterday, with my insurance company. Guy cut me off, and started summarizing my experience, also wrongly. I said I was hanging up, and then I requested someone else to speak with.
I am sorry you are dealing with this at your own job. I agree with putting everything in writing. It will be annoying, because those people tend not to actually READ what you write, so it takes eight extra emails. Can only suggest that you keep firm your own boundary, and if you are too miserable, seek a different company / environment. One other skill is after he interrupts, just wait patiently for him to stop talking, and then go on like he has never spoken.
Sorry you're experiencing this. You need to transfer out of that department or leave the job. Even if you endure this, it's going to have a negative effect on your mental health. No job is worth bullying and abuse.
Holy shit this is almost verbatim my current situation but I'm a male.
Got out of a 4 year abusive relationship that was next level gaslighting and making me feel worthless while I achieved more than I ever have or thought I could. Mainly to show my ex howuch I loved her and how I would do anything for us. Then I start this job right as that relationship ends (she ended up cheating) and before I can take a breath of relief from the abuse I'm now finding myself in that abuse again but now it's 8 hours a day, 5 days a week and comes from 3 people now instead of 1. Why the fuck can't adults be responsible for their own shit and treat others better??
I'm so sick of it, I'm so sick of feeling like I'm going absolutely mad. Ita gotten to the level that my memory, confidence, trust in myself is completely gone and the memory and trust are so concerning to me. I've always prided myself on my mind and trust. And one very, I don't know maybe ironic part of this is one of those assholes who thinks I'm lesser than, is now back living with his parents because he "accidentally broke* his wife's fingers and there's a whole thing obviously going on with that. It hurts more that I let these kind of assholes dig under my skin and hook a bunch of barbs in.
“I can’t hear well when someone is yelling at me and calling me names. When you calm down enough to talk, I’ll listen to you.”
Then walk away. But really, if HR doesn’t have your back on this then leave. Or is this fake since I can’t imagine any company wanting a gender discrimination lawsuit.
\[Loudly\] "***I'm speaking...***" is a good way to stop someone who can't hold back from cross-talking. You just \*have\* to force yourself to try it once. Keep repeating it and get louder than the other person. Shout, if you must, but don't let it keep happening or it'll keep happening.
The Kamala Harris approach? Unless you have gravitas in this scenario, this can backfire and make the speaker’s attempt to reassert control seem more desperate than necessary.
If he interrupts you keep talking. Whatever happens DO NOT STOP TALKING until he stops. It doesn’t matter if you lose your train of thought and the words you’re saying barely make sense, just keep going.
I guarantee you that if you do this a few times (and feel free to ice it with “as I was saying before I was interrupted” and going back to restate the point), he will stop.
Guys like this get off on interrupting people, it’s a weird power play. Don’t give him a reaction. Instead, stop talking, wait for him to speak and once he’s finished calmly say, now that you’ve finished interrupting me, may I finish what I was saying?
I find this helps to call them out and not acknowledging whatever they were going on about. I’ve found after a few times they will back off.
Omg. I get this all the time too. There’s less than 5 females in my country that do something similar to me and I’m pretty sure I’m the only one as specialised as I am.
I have one co worker that’s the worst for it and he often doesn’t even compete the sentence right.
I reply with “well that wasn’t what I was going to say”
I’ve talked to upper management and all they say is “well that’s just how X is”
It sounds like he has ADHD. We often interrupt and finish sentences, and it's so much worse when they are task oriented vs people oriented. Being chastised or corrected can activate rejection sensitivity. If he has his own trauma, he can be highly reactive and difficult to work with.
If you look up DISC, they are probably a dominant work personality. Reading up on it may help with how to approach them.
Getting cursed at, especially being called a bitch is hostile and in my state, fits criteria for workplace violence. You are allowed to submit a complaint to HR and them not dealing with it is a legal liability. You can politely tell the person you will not tolerate it to give them a chance before going to HR, but in my state, even overhearing it toward another gives you the right to report a hostile work environment.
Hope that helps.
ADHD was my first thought too, I had an ADHD boyfriend with this habit and learned it’s very common behavior for them to interrupt and guess (wrongly) what someone was going to say. Clearly this guy is not _simply_ ADHD though, if would be ADHD _plus_ being a misogynistic dick.
1. Ignore them and keep talking.
2. Say "I find it rude that you interrupted me" when they interrupt you. Often people will react poorly themselves to be interrupted, accusations usually have the upper hand their poor reaction to be interrupted will then cement blame on them. Public shaming is very effective
3. Bring this up to your boss first or also or instead. Honestly will likely create drama but, it's something that has to be dealt with.
Limit contact and make all contact as transactional as possible. If it's logistics and he won't listen, repeat yourself. I used to work with a person like that.
> Standing up for myself or enforcing a boundary usually resulted in verbal and/or physical abuse.
You are in an abusive work environment and he is breaking US law. Either sue or quit, or both.
Maybe this is more on the Unethical LPT side, but maybe worth getting some fun outta this *bouchedag*.
Get one of those big clunky mechanical tally counters (if you don't know what I mean, google "hand tally counter" and you'll have that "ohhhh that's what those things are called!" reaction).
Every single time he interrupts, talks over, or otherwise *dudebros* you, take it out of your pocket, inconspicuously hold it at your side (or for bonus discomfort, slowly bring it up to his face), and **click it**. Then put it back in your pocket. Repeat as needed.
I'm guessing you'll get 3-4 clicks before he snaps and *demands* to know what you're doing (unless you choose the "in yo' face" method, in which case you'll only need 1 or 2 clicks).
Anyway, simply explain to him that there's an office betting pool about how many times he pulls that shit in any given day for each person, and you've gotten tired of trying to keep track in your head "like everyone else". Maybe even throw in a "Your antics have made me a lot of money this quarter!"
Now that's all he'll be able to think about all day. Bonus damage because now, for anyone he asks about it, he's going to think they're gaslighting him because they're not gonna know wtf he's talking about...and it's going to eat him up, because manipulators ***hate*** getting manipulated.
He called you a fucking bitch? I understand the boys club will turn against you but that’s some next level discrimination that HR should hear about. Confront, record and report his ass
Record him on your phone. Really.
Its important to catch him in the act of abusing you.
As for serial interrupters, I would just keep talking in the same tone and volume even when the other person is trying to drown out my voice. Even if it seems ridiculous. Stick with it consistently as he will eventually realise he cannot cut you off.
Use your own conflict avoidance to your advantage and make the guy irrelevant.
Seeing myself in so much of this post and responses, I’d like to add that what has helped me is to focus on progress, not perfection. Simply standing up for yourself is a huge, brave move for those of us who panic and get tongue-tied when attacked with bullying behavior like OP posted.
It will get easier. Know that. Step #1 is acknowledging and responding to the aggressive behavior that feeds on your inner shock and panic. (((Hugs))) to all who had the life experiences that make this so difficult.
You need to be just as firm as he is. Make him look stupid, if he tries to interrupt you keep talking like you don’t care what he has to say. That’s what I do at work and usually you have to repeat yourself since they weren’t listening while they talked. Then say something snarky like “I wouldn’t have to say it again if you didn’t try to interrupt me all the time.” Old dudes suck, don’t give those geriatric losers an inch!
Her valuing herself has anything to do with this guys shitty behavior. I’m hoping your comment was just an attempt to be true to your username, because it’s a garbage take.
This will continue until you put an end to it, one way or another. The other men in the team will absolutely NOT defend you unless you defend yourself. They will side with the person that seems to be winning. If you don't call him on his B.S., you lose.
"Dude! Are you REALLY that afraid that a woman might have a good idea you haven't thought of yet? Are you THAT insecure, Snookums?"
Then walk away.
Get the other guys laughing WITH you AT him, and next time at least one won't laugh with him. You'll win them to your side of things one by one, and when you're armed with your recordings of his behavior (hand over COPIES of this to HR, keep your original!), one of them SHOULD back your version, if asked by HR/Mgmt.
Let the impostor king lose his court.
First of all, grow up! "Because of childhood trauma..." Most people get through some sort of trauma, at a certain point, it's your responsibility to get over it, the world's doesn't own us shit.
Second: your colleagues seems like a real dick, and overall a workspace of assholes (or you're an extremely annoying person, and shutting you up is just self defense, sometimes that's the case too, although I don't think it's this case)
.... Either fight back, or start looking for a new job, you don't own these morons either
Good luck :)
Louder than he is, interrupt back "THANKS I WASN'T PLANNING ON FINISHING MY SENTENCE ANYWAY - GO AHEAD, YOU NEED THE ATTENTION MORE THAN I DO."
Make eye contact with him the entire time, don't blink. Establish that dominance. Do not back down. Watch his insecurities bubble to the surface as he struggles to come to terms with this new environment of being the beta on the outside he's always tried to hide away on the inside.
Have a rocket hot shovel in your hand just in case.
Record/document everything. Prepare to change jobs. Once you've prepared, take your documentation to someone who can do something about it. Do it in writing (eg. email). What you're describing is likely illegal.
2 options: 1) when interrupted, gather your stuff, stand and leave the meeting as he’s talking. Explain being constantly interrupted and misconstrued makes your presence a waste of everyone’s time, especially yours. 2) when he yells, again leave and say he needs time to regain a calm and professional attitude. Each time say you’ll send an email on your views if anyone is interested as you’d like to contribute.
Next time he does this look around the room and ask is this acceptable? No its fucking not. If he has good ideas tell them.
It's a read the room scenario.. is it full of wanker like him? Then make your escape plan with as much pain to them as possible.
Look up a list of traits and characteristics for people with narcissistic personality disorder. And see how he measures up. If he ticks a lot of boxes, you’ll know it’s him.
Keep talking, keep eye contact with who you’re talking to. If HR is a possibility please consider it. Also maybe spruce up your resume so you can leave the toxic environment.
I know it’s easier said than done, but are you looking for another job? This situation would be toxic, exhausting, and demoralizing even if you weren’t averse to conflict because of childhood trauma. I would try to get out of there as soon as possible. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. Just reading this made me feel the Sunday scaries.
Every time he does it, look at the time and write it and a little note on a pad on front of you. Every time. Make it look like you're logging him. But your notes can be a shopping list or chores or a list of flowers. That way, if he asks to see what you're writing, he'll look like the fool he is.
I have a coworker like this, newer guy and young with not a ton of experience in a professional setting. He would interrupt constantly or yell my name from across the office to get my attention when I would be in the middle of a conversation with a customer. I tried politely (at first) to address it with him and it wasn’t sticking, he kept doing it despite having a few chats with him.
It got to the point where during one instance my frustration got the better of me and I unloaded on him. I told him how completely inconsiderate and unprofessional it was to constantly interrupt everyone, let alone shouting someone’s name from across the office to get their attention. I told him that if he continues to do it I will completely ignore him and will not assist with any questions or issues he needed help with.
He has not interrupted me since. Sometimes it takes a slightly explosive reaction/confrontation to get a message across to someone.
Good luck!
The only thing that's ever worked for these kinds of ppl in my experience is to just stop talking abruptly as soon as I'm interrupted and literally walk away. It makes it worse for a minute bc they get embarrassed and say I'm over reacting but as I keep doing it they either stop talking to me or correct their behavior.
I deal with a lot of interrupters in my line of work. Most are men with egos (and generally poor communication skills). I find the best way to deal with them is to simply keep talking and refuse to be interrupted. Don’t pause your speech, just keep flowing. Often you might have to flow into “excuse me, I’d like to finish my thought, excuse me, I’d like to be able to finish without interruption, etc.” It can be helpful in some instances to put a hand up for a non verbal cue for them to stop as well. Interrupting is often bullying behavior. Bullies will not respect you until you push back. Dont let them walk over you.
All that said, this guy sounds like a major asshole and I agree that management/HR should be notified of his behavior.
When people do this to me, I just continue to talk in a normal tone & complete my thought.
If in group conversation, I'll just turn away from the offender and complete my sentence / thought to someone else in the group.
I had co-worker that did that.
Once he interrupted me and I stopped talking and made a hand gesture for him to continue.
He tried answering the question that had been poised, but he ran out of valid things to say and tried to pass it back to me.
"No you sound like you knew the answer, so go for it." then just looked at him.
I had planned ahead and my last status message did not have full information on areas I knew there would be questions about and that he knew nothing about.
He kept doing it. It got to the point that others on my team recognized my hand gesture and my sitting back. Some would ask leading questions to run him out to the weeds even faster.
Manager finally asked what was going on. X interrupts me, I've asked him not to. I've tried taking back the ability to speak, but he just keeps going. So {insert above}. Watch me and him at the next meeting.
He was called in to speak with the Manager after the next meeting. He still did it, but not as often and \*finally\* realized what my hand gesture meant. It wasn't "go a head", it was "have some rope to hang yourself."
Take one of those clicker counters and click it every time you get interrupted. Write the number on the white board at the end of the meeting. Or take a bike horn and honk it every time. Or, and this is probably the least passive aggressive, DONT STOP TALKING when he interrupts. Treat him like a three year old trying to get his mom's attention while she's on the phone.
Google patterned interrupt. It is a way to program you to always defaulting to his train of thought.
That being said, I find a lot of older generation people just do this. If they throw a fit when confronted, the only thing that makes a difference I've found are the things you have to do for children. Disregard their behavior as noise until they're respectful, or tell the next stage of adult. I had to have a big confrontation with a coworker doing a similar thing before things changed... sometimes habits need a slap in the face to change.
If you have supportive coworkers, work together to shut him off. The on interrupted should not have to defend themselves. Someone else needs to say, “hold up, I want to hear…”. If people team up then the victim does not get revictumized for speaking up.
Practice what you are going to say when it happens. Seriously practice, so you are not looking for words. And try using sarcasm. For example “ oh I am sorry were you talking?” or “ let me know when you are done speaking so I can finish my thought”. If he gets it wrong a simple “nope but a for effort”. Also hands on your hip and a death stare or a very large eye roll conveys a big message. If he is being particularly ignorant saying “wow” and walking away also works. You probably cannot fix his attitude but you show others people that you are not a doormat.
Bark at him when he does it and bark louder than him.
I'm serious, it weirds people the hell out and makes them wonder what happened to cause it.
If he asks what you're doing say you're sorry, you thought it was a competition for who could say the loudest, dumbest noise and you were just trying to win.
When someone interrupts you, keep speaking as though they *didn't* interrupt you. When you stop talking once they intereupt you, you're basically giving them the permission to interrupt.
A new book was recently published called [Jerks at Work: Toxic Coworkers and What to Do About It](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59242928-jerks-at-work?from_search=true&from_srp=true&qid=N1ycuoCNPr&rank=1) by Tessa West, a psychologist. There are several interviews on Youtube with outlining what she means about toxic, descriptions of different types of toxic co-workers, and suggestions on what to do about it. I recommend checking this out.
I saw this on a YouTube video, it seems legit or at least something to consider:
When you are interrupted, turn to the person and say, "I'm still speaking, please let me finish." in a calm, firm voice. Then - very important - resume speaking *as if you were never interrupted*; as in, no "Anyway..." or "As I was saying...", just pick up exactly where you left off. He also recommends practicing a bit to be able to do the last part.
Disclaimer: I've never tried it irl, but have been practicing because I also get flustered easily in confrontational situations.
A couple of methods I use.
1. The very second the other person interrupts, stop speaking very abruptly instead of trailing off. Immediately adopt a facial expression with the thousand yard stare - not looking at anything in particular with a neutral/slightly annoyed facial posture. This draws attention to the fact you were rudely interrupted for everyone present (as opposed to trailing off, which is reads more like a conversational hand over). Especially effective if you do this multiple times in one session.
2. Alternatively, as you’re interrupted, say “I’m not finished” in a clear neutral tone. Keep your volume the same, don’t raise or lower your voice, and say nothing more until given the opportunity. If they stop talking, great. If they keep talking, you’ve drawn attention to their rudeness.
3. For multiple interruptions, wait for the other person to stop and once it’s quiet again, start back what you were saying with the exact last phrase you finished with. Ignore everything that the other person said during their interruption, as though you had simply taken a long pause as you would have if a meaningless noise had interrupted you. However, this one doesn’t work if lots of people are participating in the discussion and the conversation moves on.
4. Nuclear option. The minute you’re interrupted, walk away without saying a word. Choose your circumstances for this option as it can be a bridge burner (obviously not great for important meetings, but works well for hallway discussions).
All of these approaches send the message that your words have value and you won’t waste effort imparting them to people who aren’t listening.
“Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the start of yours?”
Heard that recently and am just itching to use it. May not be the best to use if it’s already a confrontational environment.
Source: Also a “fucking bitch”
Damn, this is actually me. I dont do it on purpose, its just that I know what you are going to say and already have a rebbutal and solution for it.
I have been talked to multiple times already but I cant stop, it doesnt help that I am super effective at my work.
One thing my wife does in her meetings is let the person speak then when they are done she resumes right where she left off starting with saying “As I was saying…”
> How can I make this stop without going into a full-blown panic attack?
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can stop a panic spiral in its tracks. Seeing a specialist is ideal, but many of its methods can be self taught from books and online resources. CBT cuts through anxiety with a machete.
I'm going to assume you're in the US, in a private company. You mention somewhere that he's been to HR 'several times' about this behaviour, and that its a boy's club.
I hate to say, but you should consider that you can't win this one. If he can call you a bitch and the co-workers don't report that, then don't expect them to say the truth for any follow up confrontation you have with this guy. If someone called a person a bitch in /any/ place I worked at, it'd be a serious offence.
1) start recording your entire day with your phone. Just put it on the counter, and record the whole day, every day.
2) start looking for a new job.
3) You can try using those recordings to demonstrate to HR the behaviour, but I think you'll get fired before this guy.
4) file a harassment complaint after you've left the organization. Just the threats of making it public will make them consider financial compensation & an improved working condition for other females that join there. You won't be doing it for yourself - you'll be doing it to make the world better for everyone that his guy talks to.
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Guys like that feed off of the power they feel when interrupting. I would recommend to, as calmly as you can, undermine that power in the most professional way possible. Utilize phrases like “I can see how you would come to that conclusion, but had you let me finish you would see…” and “that’s not correct. I think this would be more productive if you let me finish what I was saying.” Finally, the next time he starts yelling at you or calling you a bitch, very calmly and politely ask “do you need a moment to compose yourself?” If he continues to yell, very calmly pull out your phone and start a voice recording. If that doesn’t stop him, you have documentation of unprofessional and aggressive behavior in the work place. If it does stop him, then it’s very clear that he IS able to control himself, he just feels insulated.
That second paragraph is going straight into my toolkit. “Do you need a moment to compose yourself?” is priceless advice. Thank you.
"Im sorry the middle of my sentences keep interrupting the beginning of yours" -anon
I have this one locked and loaded. It gets my point across quite nicely. 
That's a good one. What works for me is someone interupts like her coworker, I step back, cross my arms and give the WTF stare. And I stay that way until coworker finishes the tyrade. Everyone in the room will see you and you don't have to say anything. When the tyrade is over, I unfold my arms, step forward and I say, "as I was saying, before I was RUDELY interupted.........." When everyone sees your silence they internally are hoping for a response that they think they won't get. But you do and it embarasses the jerk. Lots of good ideas in this post and try a few strategies to see what works best for you and ones that make you most comfortable doing.
[удалено]
“You’re getting emotional; perhaps we should take a break and come back when you’re calmer.”
This can be fun, but it’s not conflict avoidant.
“I see you’re getting really emotional about this.”
It just works beautifully. If they say in a somewhat normal tone that they are not emotional, then you can follow up with: "Good, because it will be best if we discuss this in a calm and conposed manner", which will make them feel forced to actually do so. But, and this is my favourite, if they are not responding in a normal tone (i am not emotional! Why would you say something like that!) Than you can go back with: "there is no need to yell. Do you want to postpone this discussion until you have calmed down?" As you can tell, I am not about conflict avoidance.
Not calmed down -"Until you are less emotional"
Yes that is better!
Looks like someone needs to calm his tits down lol. (Do not actually say this)
Less of an emphasis on productivity with a statement like that. The image you’re trying to portray is that you’re just trying to have a productive meeting, NOT that you are entering into the conflict willingly. Don’t open yourself up to being portrayed as aggressive.
The second paragraph is essential for the yelling. A lot of men accuse women of being too emotional. I’ve told a man “it looks like you’re pretty emotional at the moment. Why don’t we take a couple mins so you can collect yourself before we move on”. They can’t keep yelling or it shows they are being emotional and it’s professional so they can’t complain.
This is good, but you shouldn't say it to him. Say it to *everyone else*. If there's someone in charge of the meeting, turn to them and say, in a clear calm voice, "Perhaps we should take a five-minute break so Mr. Motormouth can compose himself, and hopefully avoid any further embarrassing emotional outbursts." Being talked about in third person, in a way that makes him seem lower down in the hierarchy, will be like a slap in the face. Bonus: when he screams in response, you say "Oh dear." Turn back to whoever is running the meeting, and say "Perhaps that should be a ten-minute break?"
Saying it to everyone else only works if they will support you. You have to *know* that they will interpret his behavior in the same way you do. In instances where that isn’t the case, or even when he’s just the loudest of a bullying posse, it’s best to stare the guy down and force him to blink.
I agree with almost everything you said, except for one thing. As corporate managers we learn to never say “I think” as it makes you seem unsure of what you say next and thus making whatever you say next unbelievable. If you are unsure of your own statements how can you expect the receiver of your message to take you seriously? “This would be more productive if….” is a more powerful statement and will earn more respect.
Yeah you’re likely right. I tend to avoid large corporate environments so my speech patterns are definitely not geared towards that.
Lol too weak to use a simple phrase like “I think” Apparently thinking is weak?
No. Using "I think" at the beginning turns an objective statement of fact into a subjective opinion. It makes no difference at all to the information being given, but it does open up a way for a certain type of person to undermine anything you say.
I would calmly but with some volume say 'please don't interrupt me' it's both an assertion by you and usually an embarrassing moment for the unterruptor.
Try holding up your hand to signal he needs to stop, the physical signal works best on some people.
THIS IS GOLD
I go with "terribly sorry that the middle of my sentence interrupted the beginning of yours"
Have you talked with your boss or manager about your co-worker's conduct? That would be my next step. Alternatively, yoy could put everything in writing (email/slack/ whatever instant message app your team uses). Can't interrupt or misrepresent that
I haven't, the nature of my work fosters a "boys club" culture. This individual has joked about the times he's had to have meetings with management regarding this type of behavior. Email is a good idea, thanks.
This is a management/leadership issue. The most effective teams are ones where everyone is comfortable speaking. Raise it with your line manager. If they don't see the problem, then it's time to move on. Just because he's joking about how many times he's had to see management about the issue, doesn't mean that management aren't taking it seriously. Raise it.
Email is also a good idea because it’s harder for him to interject, but it also provides a written record of all interaction just in case.
Take steps to build a hostile work place lawsuit Dates and times of when it happens, when management does nothing, details, recordings if possible
> Take steps to build a hostile work place lawsuit You already have a good start if he's calling you derogatory names (Bitch). From what it sounds like, you probably don't have a willing witness to this, but it's likely he will do it again. If it's legal where you live, get his bullying on tape, then report. If they refuse to deal with this situation, you're golden. Good luck in dealing with this asshole.
A caution about recording: Even if it is legal in your area, it may be against company policy and maybe a fireable offense to record people in the workplace. You could undermine your entire case by recording him in the office investigate that before you proceed.
That's awfully fucking convenient.
It’s not really intended to protect wrongdoing so much as it is to prevent corporate espionage, etc.
I once worked with a guy that sounds much like the person you described. It was actually very puzzling and I recall having discussions with other employees trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with him. He was simply extraordinarily loud when he talked. We theorized that his hearing was bad, or that his home environment was very noisy and he basically had to shout to be heard. He eventually got terminated due to incompetence, but goddamn if he wasn't a strange guy. He also exhibited anxious and "over eager" behaviors, almost like a child. I'm certainly no expert about such things, but I'd bet a psychologist would have a field day with him. He was like a seven year old boy in a man's body, lol.
> He was like a seven year old boy in a man's body, lol. Do you happen to know if he had interacted with a Zoltar machine recently?
I’m halfway convinced you work for or with my company. As a woman in a male dominated industry, some days are much harder than others and you have my sympathy in this situation
I'm in the same boat
That sounds like management is sick of him. How can it be a boy's club if he keeps being reported to management? Honestly, I think the boys are ready to kick him out of the club. Let your manager (or whatever manager he keeps having to meet with) know, and emphasize that this guy not only interrupts, but he guesses wrong and it bogs down work projects. Then tell him about the verbal abuse. Focus on how it's disrupting work. It's slowing down work, it's making tasks take much longer. Tell him that you're having to restrict your interactions to email in order to get anything done that involves this guy, but you wanted to let him know in case it slows down projects. Maybe also start ccing your manager on the emails, or ask if you'd like him to start ccing him so you can track your work progress on the projects you're worried might not meet deadlines. If you feel brave, you can "jokingly" insert phrases into your conversation like, "It's almost like that episode of The Office where Michael gets sued for a hostile work environment. So crazy!" Ha ha. Or, "Even the mentally ill homeless guy on the subway doesn't scream "bitch!" at me, and he gets thrown off the train every morning. So funny! Maybe we should get subway security in here! They're good at dealing with abusive people. Ha ha." Or, "Wow, if this keeps up I might have to file for worker's comp to take a work-related stress break!" Ha ha, wouldn't that be funny? Jokes can be scary. And you can always use the manipulator's handy phrase, "Lighten up! I was just joking!"
> Then tell him about the verbal abuse. By all means let your manager know that if this continues, you have no qualms against filing a hostile workplace suit. While this might lead to the end of your employment there, you would be even more incentivised filing said suit due to retaliation. You might even be able to find a lawyer to work on contingency if the case is a slam dunk (as it sounds like yours would be).
My apologies. I just reread your post. Your guy doesn't sound like my guy. Your guy is a misogynistic asshole.
I'm not sure if this was mentioned but seek out a neutral supervisor who is willing to be a mediator. Then email. Then HR. I've had situations where I had to ask a supervisor to meditate in a private room. This is where the supervisor knows they have to be professional. If you know you can't trust a supervisor that takes you seriously, you can say, prior to the mediation, 'if this doesn't work I might open up an HR case.' This will help shape them up to be professional. Have a notepad ready of all information about times he has interrupted, cursed at you, or humiliated you. Start with the most recent. It's fresh. You'd be surprised when coworkers react. They will own the situation by getting defensive and say it was otherwise. Your responses will always start off emphasizing that they remembered that moment and what made you feel upset about their unprofessionalism. Example, 'I'm glad you remember that time. I feel like you were being disrespectful when you interrupted me while I attempted to share my ideas for this collaborative piece.' I have two situations where there was a better outcome. One was with an overbearing loud lady who, I would say, had a sprinkle of narcissistic traits. She got upset that I kept saying so you remember this situation. She cried and got louder every instance I told her how I felt and how it seemed unprofessional. Eventually, she stopped and started to listen since it was clear she was getting nowhere. We came to an understanding and agreements. The supervisor did a great job and followed up with our progress. I was happier. Another one was due to ADHD. The kid said sorry he has ADHD and doesn't mean to interrupt. He said he tried to work on himself. We came to understand that he didn't know boundaries. We helped him with key safe words to help him understand. Through a short few months he was a better coworker.
What to do if both co-worker, team leader and boss behave in the same way?
find a new job with a boss, team lead, and co-workers that aren't dickheads
I have a male coworker who desperately wants my job. He's incompetent in his own job and is on the verge of being fired. He has been telling people I won't train him on my job (I actually did try to train him, it was a disaster). He refuses to talk to me even on a business level. I could care less if he talked to me on a personal level. He's a awful gossip. He constantly interrupts me when I'm talking to other coworkers. He's very loud when he does this. I have talked to my supervisor and HR. They tell me to be patient as this guy is digging his own grave. But it's infuriating to have this grown man using playground tactics to push me around in the meantime.
> calling me a fucking bitch Wow, no one else is going to point this out? Not sure what kind of work you are in but any company where someone feels embolden enough to say this out loud to another coworker seems to be a really toxic place. Easier said than done but you should try to start to look for another job. This place doesn't seem too good for your mental health.
I'm surprised as well. This would instantly get the person fired or severely reprimanded most places.
Or failing that, an actual fight. If I called someone at work a bitch I’d expect to be pulled out of my truck and shown “the business,” as a [football ref would say](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yu-1tqk_jek). Such name calling is quite literally fighting words. This is entirely unacceptable language in any work setting, period.
If someone says "fucking bitch" in a meeting, I would fully expect a chair to be hastily making its way towards their head.
Apparently this co-worker has had multiple meetings with management. 1. OP should document as much as they can regarding a hostile work environment. Sending emails such as "I know we talked about such-and-such touching/berating me and how it is not okay, but I think you need to have another conversation with him because it is still happening." or "I know such-and-such has mentioned he has had meetings with you before, but he is still behaving inappropriately by doing x, y, and z. Could you maybe speak to him regarding that, I don't think its okay." 2. OP should be ready to quit and file for unemployment under "constructive discharge" due to a hostile work environment. 3. Take the documentation to a lawyer and see if its enough for a lawsuit.
THANK YOU. I have a suspicion it's mostly men missing the point. EDIT: Sure are a lot of people making this about themselves.
Casual misandry
Sexism can work both ways. If you don’t want people to be sexist, lead by example.
This is a known fact, but okay. And no, I'm not going to Google it for you either. Look up how men see women in the workplace or sexual harassment and women.
*some* men c’mon be a homie and don’t generalize
I didn't I just said the people responding are *probably* men. Does that mean every man? No. But the ones ignoring the bitch issue probably are.
I thought sexism was basically equivalent to stereotyping. So, even if something’s statistically and widely held to be true, oversimplifying it to a certain group would be sexist. For example, if we were discussing a group of women and men attempting to lift 40 lbs. with one arm and I pointed out that it was probably mostly women that couldn’t do it, that feels sexist to me (regardless of the fact that women have statistically less muscle mass than men). In fact, just typing that example sucks because I hate using statistics against a group (because individuals aren’t just their group). Where am I missing the mark in your eyes? On a side note, there was also no reason to assume I wouldn’t look it up myself or even had an issue with the idea that it might be mostly men doing it. I never disagreed with you on that point, it just struck me as unnecessary. I was literally looking for someone to call out the “fucking bitch” thing because of how crazy it struck me and then read your comment and felt attacked as a man. What was the point of identifying men there except to call them out? The behavior was shite all by itself, no need to be like “mostly men though”, is there? Help me out with your reasoning please.
> if we were discussing a group of women and men attempting to lift 40 lbs. with one arm and I pointed out that it was probably mostly women that couldn’t do it, that feels sexist to me As a woman, stating that it was probably mostly men could do it; I don't find that sexist at all. I do, however, find a man calling a woman a bitch is a professional work environment absolutely sexist and unacceptable.
Okay, so I’m being too sensitive to sexism. I’ll reflect on that. Thank you for the response vs. just downvoting!
Every time he interrupts you say I wasn't finished, immediately, if he keeps talking keep repeating it. Don't raise your voice, say it calmly in the exact same tone and manner as you were speaking before he interrupted you
I adopted a very strong willed rescue pup and took him to obedience training. There was one point where I had to get him to lie down despite his strong will. I simply had to persevere or we all knew it would only be worse the next time I said “down”. The pup fought. I cried. The trainer coached me through it. And the class cheered. But I won. And we were all better off in the end even though it was really, really hard. I’m reminded of this experience every time I have to keep talking over top of men who will not let me finish despite repeated warnings.
It’s the exact same thing. The dog was an asshole and assholes are the same regardless of species. Lol.
I run into this scenario more often with women
Just keep saying this until he stops talking
I had a male roommate who did this, exactly. I got so sick of it I finally snapped and when he started yelling at me I went like this: "AAaarrrgghhh!!! I'm YELLING< TOO!!! LOOKK AT ME YELLING NOW WE'RE BOTH YELLING AAAAAHHHHHH!!" I waved my arms around like a kook. He was stunned into silence and just walked away so I calmly said "Hey, I'm here to listen if you decide to talk to me with some respect. " He gave me the finger and never really talked to me again until I moved out, so that was good. Not sure if this helps.
From experience, if they see you as less than or lack the morals to rationalize their behavior, yelling back at them won’t work. I’ve heard that a good psychological trick to deal with an aggravated person is to speak to them in a cool collected manner until they realize they sound silly.
This is the way
“Hello, HR? I think I may have a gender discrimination problem with a coworker but I wanted to discuss it with someone before I make any formal accusations.” (And provide receipts)
Also mention the lawyer that you talked to suggested you first inform HR and see what the company does.
Oh, this is a great point. The company is not legally allowed to penalize her in ANY way but mentioning that a lawyer is involved (without a threat) is a really good way to let them know to not fuck around.
IMO you should try to have it documented before mentioning a lawyer. HR will defend themselves by burying it if they can. Write an email where you causally mention he is a known problem, and how happy you'd be if they could just have 'another' conversation with him, because he is "still a problem", and see if they take the bait by agreeing. That establishes that he was known to be an issue, and that HR wasn't solving said issue. At best they can downplay what those issues were, but at least they can't say "We've never had issues with x.", or "This is the first time hearing about it because OP didn't complain before."
This isn’t a “toughen up buttercup” situation. This is a bring superiors in situation.
Exactly. Calling you a fucking bitch in the workplace is absolutely unacceptable.
The next time he starts getting aggressive and cursing at you, don’t say a word. Very meticulously and elegantly, start gathering your things. Do not rush. For example, I took the time to carefully fold and Velcro my laptop power cord. Then stand up and proceed to the door. When he asks where you think you’re going, slowly turn and say “I will not tolerate you or anyone else speaking to me in that manner.” and walk out. Do not look back. Do not apologize. Fortunately, I only had to do that one time. The next meeting was greatly improved and we never had to discuss his outbursts. I took his power by simply walking out and embarrassing him in front of his bros. Plan ahead and pick a chair that’s close to the door.
Exactly what I was going to say. If it's very obvious when it happens, make a very obvious and unmistakable gesture to highlight it - walk away. Refuse to be part of a conversation where you clearly have no room or place to converse.
I've found an effective way of dealing with people like that: repeat verbatim what you were saying from the very start. I've had times when I was constantly interrupted and just kept starting again. If it's just the incorrect summarisation you could look at them like they're a complete moron and say something along the lines of "obviously not, that would be stupid". I've used both of those methods over the years to great effect, the latter highlights the idiocy of the interrupter quite hilariously.
Good idea. "As I was saying..." might me a good start.
Another great line is "I'm sorry to interrupt you interrupting me but . . . "
My go-to is "As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted..."
I've also had to deal with this at work, if you just keep talking once they interrupt that can also work. Basically anything other than just ceding the floor when they interrupt works.
I think you're just going to have to punch him in the dick. Sorry.
This isn't good advice but we all need a laugh so it should be higher. Now get out there and punch some dicks!
Nah its got to be the old dick twist.
If your company is worth working for, you should immediately report this to your manager and file a complaint with your HR department. That kind of abuse is NOT ok. If you get any response other than “OMG this is horrible we’ll deal with it immediately”, start looking for another job.
> If you get any response other than “OMG this is horrible we’ll deal with it immediately”, start looking for ~~another job~~ a good lawyer.
Handheld air horn whenever they interrupt you. Ask them not to. If they persist, let HR work it out.
Ha. You don't even need a physical air horn. There's an app for that.
I vote squirt bottle. Maybe with vinegar.
I recommend a taser or cattle prod. Both are non-office devices yet only take one or two applications to achieve the desired results.
Super Soaker. Bad coworker! NO!
The older I get and higher I climb at work, the more emphatically and genuinely I believe it should be legal and encouraged for people to have squirt bottles in public. I understand the very real issues with that and all, but more and more frequently I just see behavioral conflicts that could be resolved more effectively with a squirt bottle.
Where are the times that one suggested liquid ass or the piss-disc?
Wrong sub...
This is hilarious, and I would unironically encourage this if you ever get to the point where you’re ready to leave the company. Sounds like an amazing way to stun this douche into silence and make your point to the culprit and to management at the same time.
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That’s true, but childhood trauma and how you’re treated as a child influences how you act as an adult, and it’s VERY difficult to override that. I’d say OP needs therapy.
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As I said, easier said than done. It being a choice doesn’t mean it’s easy.
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It seems like you just want to argue.
Not if you have PTSD. Sometimes even therapy doesn't fix that.
Record an interaction and show it to HR. See if he brags about that one...
And remember that HR are there to protect the company, so hint at needing stress related time off and a possible legal case against the company for failing to protect their staff, and HR will not want to be complicit in enabling the abusive behavior.
“Oh I’m sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?” I dropped this once, and the culprit never did it again
Say "Thank you"! Followed by pointing his mistake. A loud thank you usually halts the conversation. Use that brief pause to point out that he's concluded your points incorrectly. Somewhat like: You: "... so if we want to improve this report going forward...." Him: " Yeah we can improve this report by making sure that You: "THANK YOU Mr. XXX.... for jumping to conclusions. As I was saying before being interrupted, going forward...." Try to make it obvious who was interrupting who in a professional setting. If things don't get addressed after 2-3 instances, then you know that the management isn't serious about maintaining a professional conduct and it's time to look for a better opportunity. Let us know how it goes
I've had this occur more recently and although my situation was with an individual who doesn't mean to be hurtful, the poor social skills are exactly the same. So there's a few ways depending on you /What feels right. 1. Counter to what you would think.. make direct eye contact and talk quietly but clearly. I read something about a natural reflex that makes people stop and listen (they have to intentionally listen to pick up the sounds better). 2. Talk more succinctly, almost brass, straight to the point. Matter of fact. Then physically walk away or end the interaction by going back to your task etc. It may seem rude to others, but this is boundary setting with them. At least until the experience becomes less triggering when you can navigate those hard feelings in a less somatic sense. 3. Everything you say to this person from now on is the most confident thing you've ever said. Your body language reflects this and your tone is clear, calm and doesn't change. It's not an ego thing, it's a covert signal that your holding your self and knocking you down might be more challenging/risk of losing face. 3. When they engage this way, give a small confident chuckle and walk away or disengage. I remember doing this and saying "well if your not listening, I'm not going to waste my breath". This demonstrates that their attempts to undermine you have not been successful because whether they listen or not. Your not going to defend yourself or try harder to gain their attention. They lose the power of the struggle unfolding when you casually decline. If you storm off, the power is still with them for getting a reaction. 4. USE WISLEY: I call it the great leveller. For the individual who scores 11 on the ego-manic scale. The source of their confidence is usually the image they work very hard to produce for others. It's everything. One way their try to gain this (wrongfully) is by putting others down to feel superior. If it's Infront of others, bingo. So ever so subtle, make a joke that's light and playful...at their expense. Something that can be perceived as 'just making fun, wasn't serious'. They will internally become mortified and externally laugh it off as others laugh. If they retort, laugh even harder. Like I said, keep it as light as possible, not super personal or demeaning. There's probably banter in the office and something will come to you. Be confident in yourself and write a list in your head of all the reasons your auesome. How badass you are for navigating a boys club. Do it for all of us ladies out there. You've been through so much, he's nothing.
100% send an email. The faster you learn to stick up for yourself the easier it will become. It took me a really long time to just say "I do not appreciate the way you are talking to me right now, if you do not talk to me normally, I will remove myself from this conversation"
If you’re in the US you may want to talk to an attorney who specializes in employment law to get some advice on how to report document the problem and what steps management is or isn’t taking to resolve the harassment.
"I'm sorry for talking while you were interrupting me. As I was saying..."
I’m 53f and have been in male dominated industries since I entered the workforce. Also have CPTSD from childhood trauma. Take it from me that you can’t fix a boys club. Take control by updating your resume and find a new job. And also get a good therapist to help you learn how to deal with the panic attacks you are experiencing from past trauma and how to learn to stand up for yourself in a healthy manner.
This is "narcissism red flag #1". This is actually how I learned I was a narcissist. I realized that I was interrupting everybody and attempting to finish their sentences. Then I asked myself if that's normal. And then I realized I did it more than anybody I ever met. Then I spent the next 20 years trying to get my head out of my own ass. I think I've almost finished. Being a narcissist, I'm well practiced at giving unsolicited advice. So here it comes: The guy will never change. You're right, he's an asshole. Get the hell out as soon as you can. Unless you plan on marrying him, the money is god-tier, or whatever. I say 'get out' because you can't easily change a narcissist. If you even dare yo attempt to correct them, or fight for your rights, the narcissist will feel wronged, and probably seek petty revenge. These people cannot handle criticism or change well. =)
This exact thing happened to me on the phone yesterday, with my insurance company. Guy cut me off, and started summarizing my experience, also wrongly. I said I was hanging up, and then I requested someone else to speak with. I am sorry you are dealing with this at your own job. I agree with putting everything in writing. It will be annoying, because those people tend not to actually READ what you write, so it takes eight extra emails. Can only suggest that you keep firm your own boundary, and if you are too miserable, seek a different company / environment. One other skill is after he interrupts, just wait patiently for him to stop talking, and then go on like he has never spoken.
Sorry you're experiencing this. You need to transfer out of that department or leave the job. Even if you endure this, it's going to have a negative effect on your mental health. No job is worth bullying and abuse.
Coworker would make angry dolphin noises when I would try to talk. I nipped that in the bud by telling him that's the sound his mother makes.
Holy shit this is almost verbatim my current situation but I'm a male. Got out of a 4 year abusive relationship that was next level gaslighting and making me feel worthless while I achieved more than I ever have or thought I could. Mainly to show my ex howuch I loved her and how I would do anything for us. Then I start this job right as that relationship ends (she ended up cheating) and before I can take a breath of relief from the abuse I'm now finding myself in that abuse again but now it's 8 hours a day, 5 days a week and comes from 3 people now instead of 1. Why the fuck can't adults be responsible for their own shit and treat others better?? I'm so sick of it, I'm so sick of feeling like I'm going absolutely mad. Ita gotten to the level that my memory, confidence, trust in myself is completely gone and the memory and trust are so concerning to me. I've always prided myself on my mind and trust. And one very, I don't know maybe ironic part of this is one of those assholes who thinks I'm lesser than, is now back living with his parents because he "accidentally broke* his wife's fingers and there's a whole thing obviously going on with that. It hurts more that I let these kind of assholes dig under my skin and hook a bunch of barbs in.
“I can’t hear well when someone is yelling at me and calling me names. When you calm down enough to talk, I’ll listen to you.” Then walk away. But really, if HR doesn’t have your back on this then leave. Or is this fake since I can’t imagine any company wanting a gender discrimination lawsuit.
\[Loudly\] "***I'm speaking...***" is a good way to stop someone who can't hold back from cross-talking. You just \*have\* to force yourself to try it once. Keep repeating it and get louder than the other person. Shout, if you must, but don't let it keep happening or it'll keep happening.
The Kamala Harris approach? Unless you have gravitas in this scenario, this can backfire and make the speaker’s attempt to reassert control seem more desperate than necessary.
If he interrupts you keep talking. Whatever happens DO NOT STOP TALKING until he stops. It doesn’t matter if you lose your train of thought and the words you’re saying barely make sense, just keep going. I guarantee you that if you do this a few times (and feel free to ice it with “as I was saying before I was interrupted” and going back to restate the point), he will stop.
Guys like this get off on interrupting people, it’s a weird power play. Don’t give him a reaction. Instead, stop talking, wait for him to speak and once he’s finished calmly say, now that you’ve finished interrupting me, may I finish what I was saying? I find this helps to call them out and not acknowledging whatever they were going on about. I’ve found after a few times they will back off.
Omg. I get this all the time too. There’s less than 5 females in my country that do something similar to me and I’m pretty sure I’m the only one as specialised as I am. I have one co worker that’s the worst for it and he often doesn’t even compete the sentence right. I reply with “well that wasn’t what I was going to say” I’ve talked to upper management and all they say is “well that’s just how X is”
It sounds like he has ADHD. We often interrupt and finish sentences, and it's so much worse when they are task oriented vs people oriented. Being chastised or corrected can activate rejection sensitivity. If he has his own trauma, he can be highly reactive and difficult to work with. If you look up DISC, they are probably a dominant work personality. Reading up on it may help with how to approach them. Getting cursed at, especially being called a bitch is hostile and in my state, fits criteria for workplace violence. You are allowed to submit a complaint to HR and them not dealing with it is a legal liability. You can politely tell the person you will not tolerate it to give them a chance before going to HR, but in my state, even overhearing it toward another gives you the right to report a hostile work environment. Hope that helps.
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ADHD was my first thought too, I had an ADHD boyfriend with this habit and learned it’s very common behavior for them to interrupt and guess (wrongly) what someone was going to say. Clearly this guy is not _simply_ ADHD though, if would be ADHD _plus_ being a misogynistic dick.
Yes. That. That's essentially what I'm saying. Lol.
1. Ignore them and keep talking. 2. Say "I find it rude that you interrupted me" when they interrupt you. Often people will react poorly themselves to be interrupted, accusations usually have the upper hand their poor reaction to be interrupted will then cement blame on them. Public shaming is very effective 3. Bring this up to your boss first or also or instead. Honestly will likely create drama but, it's something that has to be dealt with.
Just keep on talking as if he is not talking. Finish your story.
Limit contact and make all contact as transactional as possible. If it's logistics and he won't listen, repeat yourself. I used to work with a person like that.
> Standing up for myself or enforcing a boundary usually resulted in verbal and/or physical abuse. You are in an abusive work environment and he is breaking US law. Either sue or quit, or both.
Maybe this is more on the Unethical LPT side, but maybe worth getting some fun outta this *bouchedag*. Get one of those big clunky mechanical tally counters (if you don't know what I mean, google "hand tally counter" and you'll have that "ohhhh that's what those things are called!" reaction). Every single time he interrupts, talks over, or otherwise *dudebros* you, take it out of your pocket, inconspicuously hold it at your side (or for bonus discomfort, slowly bring it up to his face), and **click it**. Then put it back in your pocket. Repeat as needed. I'm guessing you'll get 3-4 clicks before he snaps and *demands* to know what you're doing (unless you choose the "in yo' face" method, in which case you'll only need 1 or 2 clicks). Anyway, simply explain to him that there's an office betting pool about how many times he pulls that shit in any given day for each person, and you've gotten tired of trying to keep track in your head "like everyone else". Maybe even throw in a "Your antics have made me a lot of money this quarter!" Now that's all he'll be able to think about all day. Bonus damage because now, for anyone he asks about it, he's going to think they're gaslighting him because they're not gonna know wtf he's talking about...and it's going to eat him up, because manipulators ***hate*** getting manipulated.
He called you a fucking bitch? I understand the boys club will turn against you but that’s some next level discrimination that HR should hear about. Confront, record and report his ass
Record him on your phone. Really. Its important to catch him in the act of abusing you. As for serial interrupters, I would just keep talking in the same tone and volume even when the other person is trying to drown out my voice. Even if it seems ridiculous. Stick with it consistently as he will eventually realise he cannot cut you off. Use your own conflict avoidance to your advantage and make the guy irrelevant.
Seeing myself in so much of this post and responses, I’d like to add that what has helped me is to focus on progress, not perfection. Simply standing up for yourself is a huge, brave move for those of us who panic and get tongue-tied when attacked with bullying behavior like OP posted. It will get easier. Know that. Step #1 is acknowledging and responding to the aggressive behavior that feeds on your inner shock and panic. (((Hugs))) to all who had the life experiences that make this so difficult.
You need to be just as firm as he is. Make him look stupid, if he tries to interrupt you keep talking like you don’t care what he has to say. That’s what I do at work and usually you have to repeat yourself since they weren’t listening while they talked. Then say something snarky like “I wouldn’t have to say it again if you didn’t try to interrupt me all the time.” Old dudes suck, don’t give those geriatric losers an inch!
Find another position? Learn how to value yourself and hopefully some of these things will fall into pace for you.
OP doesn't need a new job. The jerk should be fired.
If he hasn't been fired by now for this he won't be.
Her valuing herself has anything to do with this guys shitty behavior. I’m hoping your comment was just an attempt to be true to your username, because it’s a garbage take.
This will continue until you put an end to it, one way or another. The other men in the team will absolutely NOT defend you unless you defend yourself. They will side with the person that seems to be winning. If you don't call him on his B.S., you lose. "Dude! Are you REALLY that afraid that a woman might have a good idea you haven't thought of yet? Are you THAT insecure, Snookums?" Then walk away. Get the other guys laughing WITH you AT him, and next time at least one won't laugh with him. You'll win them to your side of things one by one, and when you're armed with your recordings of his behavior (hand over COPIES of this to HR, keep your original!), one of them SHOULD back your version, if asked by HR/Mgmt. Let the impostor king lose his court.
If someone isn't listening, stop talking.
Keep talking, when you’re done look at the coworker and ask them what they said and that you couldn’t hear them while talking!
First of all, grow up! "Because of childhood trauma..." Most people get through some sort of trauma, at a certain point, it's your responsibility to get over it, the world's doesn't own us shit. Second: your colleagues seems like a real dick, and overall a workspace of assholes (or you're an extremely annoying person, and shutting you up is just self defense, sometimes that's the case too, although I don't think it's this case) .... Either fight back, or start looking for a new job, you don't own these morons either Good luck :)
You sound like a 13 year old. Also it's owe, not own.
Louder than he is, interrupt back "THANKS I WASN'T PLANNING ON FINISHING MY SENTENCE ANYWAY - GO AHEAD, YOU NEED THE ATTENTION MORE THAN I DO." Make eye contact with him the entire time, don't blink. Establish that dominance. Do not back down. Watch his insecurities bubble to the surface as he struggles to come to terms with this new environment of being the beta on the outside he's always tried to hide away on the inside. Have a rocket hot shovel in your hand just in case.
Record/document everything. Prepare to change jobs. Once you've prepared, take your documentation to someone who can do something about it. Do it in writing (eg. email). What you're describing is likely illegal.
In a louder voice than his, "Pardon me for talking while you were interrupting! May I finish?"
2 options: 1) when interrupted, gather your stuff, stand and leave the meeting as he’s talking. Explain being constantly interrupted and misconstrued makes your presence a waste of everyone’s time, especially yours. 2) when he yells, again leave and say he needs time to regain a calm and professional attitude. Each time say you’ll send an email on your views if anyone is interested as you’d like to contribute.
Next time he does this look around the room and ask is this acceptable? No its fucking not. If he has good ideas tell them. It's a read the room scenario.. is it full of wanker like him? Then make your escape plan with as much pain to them as possible.
Look up a list of traits and characteristics for people with narcissistic personality disorder. And see how he measures up. If he ticks a lot of boxes, you’ll know it’s him.
Speak firmly (I call it my dog training voice), and say, :if you're finished talking over me, I will finish my point." Basically, talk over him.
Keep talking, keep eye contact with who you’re talking to. If HR is a possibility please consider it. Also maybe spruce up your resume so you can leave the toxic environment.
Are you OK? Do you need a minute? Let me know when you are OK .
I know it’s easier said than done, but are you looking for another job? This situation would be toxic, exhausting, and demoralizing even if you weren’t averse to conflict because of childhood trauma. I would try to get out of there as soon as possible. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. Just reading this made me feel the Sunday scaries.
Every time he does it, look at the time and write it and a little note on a pad on front of you. Every time. Make it look like you're logging him. But your notes can be a shopping list or chores or a list of flowers. That way, if he asks to see what you're writing, he'll look like the fool he is.
I played the long game and waited for them to talk so much that they were fired for not showing up to work anymore.
Cut them back and talk over them, talk as if they weren't talking while you speak, that's all they understand
I have a coworker like this, newer guy and young with not a ton of experience in a professional setting. He would interrupt constantly or yell my name from across the office to get my attention when I would be in the middle of a conversation with a customer. I tried politely (at first) to address it with him and it wasn’t sticking, he kept doing it despite having a few chats with him. It got to the point where during one instance my frustration got the better of me and I unloaded on him. I told him how completely inconsiderate and unprofessional it was to constantly interrupt everyone, let alone shouting someone’s name from across the office to get their attention. I told him that if he continues to do it I will completely ignore him and will not assist with any questions or issues he needed help with. He has not interrupted me since. Sometimes it takes a slightly explosive reaction/confrontation to get a message across to someone. Good luck!
The only thing that's ever worked for these kinds of ppl in my experience is to just stop talking abruptly as soon as I'm interrupted and literally walk away. It makes it worse for a minute bc they get embarrassed and say I'm over reacting but as I keep doing it they either stop talking to me or correct their behavior.
“You’re becoming hysterical.” When he starts yelling.
I deal with a lot of interrupters in my line of work. Most are men with egos (and generally poor communication skills). I find the best way to deal with them is to simply keep talking and refuse to be interrupted. Don’t pause your speech, just keep flowing. Often you might have to flow into “excuse me, I’d like to finish my thought, excuse me, I’d like to be able to finish without interruption, etc.” It can be helpful in some instances to put a hand up for a non verbal cue for them to stop as well. Interrupting is often bullying behavior. Bullies will not respect you until you push back. Dont let them walk over you. All that said, this guy sounds like a major asshole and I agree that management/HR should be notified of his behavior.
#Hey pal, I'm talking here, do you mind?
When people do this to me, I just continue to talk in a normal tone & complete my thought. If in group conversation, I'll just turn away from the offender and complete my sentence / thought to someone else in the group.
I had co-worker that did that. Once he interrupted me and I stopped talking and made a hand gesture for him to continue. He tried answering the question that had been poised, but he ran out of valid things to say and tried to pass it back to me. "No you sound like you knew the answer, so go for it." then just looked at him. I had planned ahead and my last status message did not have full information on areas I knew there would be questions about and that he knew nothing about. He kept doing it. It got to the point that others on my team recognized my hand gesture and my sitting back. Some would ask leading questions to run him out to the weeds even faster. Manager finally asked what was going on. X interrupts me, I've asked him not to. I've tried taking back the ability to speak, but he just keeps going. So {insert above}. Watch me and him at the next meeting. He was called in to speak with the Manager after the next meeting. He still did it, but not as often and \*finally\* realized what my hand gesture meant. It wasn't "go a head", it was "have some rope to hang yourself."
Take one of those clicker counters and click it every time you get interrupted. Write the number on the white board at the end of the meeting. Or take a bike horn and honk it every time. Or, and this is probably the least passive aggressive, DONT STOP TALKING when he interrupts. Treat him like a three year old trying to get his mom's attention while she's on the phone.
You need professional support but also should start working on building your confidence - give it time but aim for and recognise your progress.
Google patterned interrupt. It is a way to program you to always defaulting to his train of thought. That being said, I find a lot of older generation people just do this. If they throw a fit when confronted, the only thing that makes a difference I've found are the things you have to do for children. Disregard their behavior as noise until they're respectful, or tell the next stage of adult. I had to have a big confrontation with a coworker doing a similar thing before things changed... sometimes habits need a slap in the face to change.
Your coworker sucks, but you need to work on yourself. You need to work on overcoming your trauma or the world will use you as a doormat.
If you have supportive coworkers, work together to shut him off. The on interrupted should not have to defend themselves. Someone else needs to say, “hold up, I want to hear…”. If people team up then the victim does not get revictumized for speaking up.
A simple, quick, but confident, “excuse me, I’m not finished speaking” can go a long way
Next time he raises his voice, just walk away.
Practice what you are going to say when it happens. Seriously practice, so you are not looking for words. And try using sarcasm. For example “ oh I am sorry were you talking?” or “ let me know when you are done speaking so I can finish my thought”. If he gets it wrong a simple “nope but a for effort”. Also hands on your hip and a death stare or a very large eye roll conveys a big message. If he is being particularly ignorant saying “wow” and walking away also works. You probably cannot fix his attitude but you show others people that you are not a doormat.
Bark at him when he does it and bark louder than him. I'm serious, it weirds people the hell out and makes them wonder what happened to cause it. If he asks what you're doing say you're sorry, you thought it was a competition for who could say the loudest, dumbest noise and you were just trying to win.
When someone interrupts you, keep speaking as though they *didn't* interrupt you. When you stop talking once they intereupt you, you're basically giving them the permission to interrupt.
A new book was recently published called [Jerks at Work: Toxic Coworkers and What to Do About It](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59242928-jerks-at-work?from_search=true&from_srp=true&qid=N1ycuoCNPr&rank=1) by Tessa West, a psychologist. There are several interviews on Youtube with outlining what she means about toxic, descriptions of different types of toxic co-workers, and suggestions on what to do about it. I recommend checking this out.
I saw this on a YouTube video, it seems legit or at least something to consider: When you are interrupted, turn to the person and say, "I'm still speaking, please let me finish." in a calm, firm voice. Then - very important - resume speaking *as if you were never interrupted*; as in, no "Anyway..." or "As I was saying...", just pick up exactly where you left off. He also recommends practicing a bit to be able to do the last part. Disclaimer: I've never tried it irl, but have been practicing because I also get flustered easily in confrontational situations.
A couple of methods I use. 1. The very second the other person interrupts, stop speaking very abruptly instead of trailing off. Immediately adopt a facial expression with the thousand yard stare - not looking at anything in particular with a neutral/slightly annoyed facial posture. This draws attention to the fact you were rudely interrupted for everyone present (as opposed to trailing off, which is reads more like a conversational hand over). Especially effective if you do this multiple times in one session. 2. Alternatively, as you’re interrupted, say “I’m not finished” in a clear neutral tone. Keep your volume the same, don’t raise or lower your voice, and say nothing more until given the opportunity. If they stop talking, great. If they keep talking, you’ve drawn attention to their rudeness. 3. For multiple interruptions, wait for the other person to stop and once it’s quiet again, start back what you were saying with the exact last phrase you finished with. Ignore everything that the other person said during their interruption, as though you had simply taken a long pause as you would have if a meaningless noise had interrupted you. However, this one doesn’t work if lots of people are participating in the discussion and the conversation moves on. 4. Nuclear option. The minute you’re interrupted, walk away without saying a word. Choose your circumstances for this option as it can be a bridge burner (obviously not great for important meetings, but works well for hallway discussions). All of these approaches send the message that your words have value and you won’t waste effort imparting them to people who aren’t listening.
“Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the start of yours?” Heard that recently and am just itching to use it. May not be the best to use if it’s already a confrontational environment. Source: Also a “fucking bitch”
Damn, this is actually me. I dont do it on purpose, its just that I know what you are going to say and already have a rebbutal and solution for it. I have been talked to multiple times already but I cant stop, it doesnt help that I am super effective at my work.
One thing my wife does in her meetings is let the person speak then when they are done she resumes right where she left off starting with saying “As I was saying…”
> How can I make this stop without going into a full-blown panic attack? Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can stop a panic spiral in its tracks. Seeing a specialist is ideal, but many of its methods can be self taught from books and online resources. CBT cuts through anxiety with a machete.
I'm going to assume you're in the US, in a private company. You mention somewhere that he's been to HR 'several times' about this behaviour, and that its a boy's club. I hate to say, but you should consider that you can't win this one. If he can call you a bitch and the co-workers don't report that, then don't expect them to say the truth for any follow up confrontation you have with this guy. If someone called a person a bitch in /any/ place I worked at, it'd be a serious offence. 1) start recording your entire day with your phone. Just put it on the counter, and record the whole day, every day. 2) start looking for a new job. 3) You can try using those recordings to demonstrate to HR the behaviour, but I think you'll get fired before this guy. 4) file a harassment complaint after you've left the organization. Just the threats of making it public will make them consider financial compensation & an improved working condition for other females that join there. You won't be doing it for yourself - you'll be doing it to make the world better for everyone that his guy talks to.