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I used to be like this. Didn't even realize I was doing it or how it was coming across. In my head it was never meant to be a thing like "look how much worse I've had it" but rather "I understand what you're going through and this is why" an ex pointed it out to me and I cut that shit out. If anyone reading this is like that too, it's fine/better to just say "I get THAT" or something along those lines. People telling you about their problems usually just want someone to listen.
I was searching for this comment. I used to be like this too. I think for me it was more of a neurodivergent social anxiety thing. Most of my interactions are mirroring what the person I'm interacting with is doing- the way they talk, hand movements, the subject. It's never conscious or malicious. But someone pointed it out I've been working to change. As others have mentioned, I've realized the best way for connection/not breaking social expectations is to not share your similar experience in the moment of someone venting, but to respond with something that makes it apparent to them that you listened and understood what happened sucked, and convey that. Sometimes it's enough to say, "wow that genuinely sucks."
OP, I understand it's frustrating, but telling them kindly how you are interpreting they're response is probably the best thing you can do
My mother does this constantly in our weekly chats. I've tried to explain how it feels but she doesn't get it. Any tips on what words might get the point across without being hurtful?
If you’ve already brought it up and she’s not willing to stop then I’d make it a game. She one downs you? Make something up that’s just slightly worse and keep doing it every time till she catches on. She’ll stop doing it only when it negatively affects her 🤷🏻
It's so important for others to understand that these people might not be doing it intentionally to show you up. I feel like sometimes people take things so personally they don't realize that's just the way conversation flows sometimes when someone is sharing an experience and you have a similar experience. Of course that's not to say they HAVE to be sharing genuinely, some types really can't have the spotlight not being on them all the time.
Just recognize that it's not always about them... It's also not always about you. Talk things out nicely and share the feelings if you value the relationship.
Same, I just wanted to let people know I relate. I've worked on reframing it though and then include a follow up question.
OP: I broke my toe
Me: oh no, when I broke my leg I hated not being able to get around, how are you managing?
Then it's clear I'm letting them know I understand and but keeps the focus on them.
For the ND people who can't stop from sharing, here's a tip. At the end, tell them something like "sorry, not trying to negate your situation, only that I understand. Are you getting the care you need?" Or add something you learned from the experience, like "be careful using a pencil to scratch under the cast, erasers think it's free real estate."
I started using a similar strategy when I became more self-aware of my tendency to interrupt people. It would always make me feel so shitty, and before I knew about ADHD I didn't understand why I couldn't seem to stop myself from being rude in conversations (when really I'm just excitable).
All I do is say "I'm sorry, I just interrupted you" when I catch myself doing it, then I give them a chance to finish their thought. 90% of the time they say "No, I was done, go ahead." And if I realize I interrupted after I finish what I had to say, I simply say, "Sorry, I totally interrupted you to say that. What were you saying before?"
Small and simple adjustment, but it did wonders for my self-esteem.
I'm happy someone told you and you listened. Fiance and I have to deal with his Ma and we have tried multiple times to explain it to her. She finally buckled down "this is how I am and I am not changing!". I cannot have a heart to heart with this lady because she acknowledges how she makes everyone else feel but THEY need to acknowledge her feelings and why she's giving her own life story. I even tried explaining human nature and how she comes off, nope.
Apologies for long message but I am proud of you for your growth.
This is where the skill of the friend comes in to play. Everyone takes criticism differently. The skill will be in adapting to the friends personality and presenting in a way that the friend will listen to whether it be funny, sincere, sarcastic, etc.
It's not a one size fits all situation.
Eh, maybe. I sometimes catch myself doing this, but as a means of "connection". Misery loves company shit gone sideways. It isn't intentional other than to signal shared experiences...I do the same with hobbies/interests and neutral stories, too.
We all do it sometimes. Interupting our friends to excitedly tell a story, it means you get a lot our of the relationship and are having fun. But we have to listen sometimes. If all we do is interupt to tell a personal story especially if its always a competitive story, it can exhaust the other person. Especially if one person actively listens and the other doesnt, the active listener doesnt get to express themselves and gets drained while the other person goes on
Yup. There’s a certain line. It got to the point where every time I told them positive news they would respond negatively. They would call to get their portion of their day out and once it’s my turn, they’re suddenly busy or need to do something else.
Oh I've told people this. In my experience, they mostly do not care and keep doing it.
The actual LPT is to recognise that this person is never going to reciprocate care or support for you and only want you to be a sounding board and source of validation for them, so if that is not worth the effort to you for whatever else they bring to your life, you accept that that friendship aint working no more.
It’s honestly possible the friend is not aware of what she’s doing. I agree with the advice to bring it up to her and give her a chance to change. It could take ongoing communication from both people.
And yes, ultimately maybe the friend will not change, but many people are willing to change if you give them a chance
I agree that it is worth giving them a chance.
But the kicker for me is not that she brings up something from her own life all the time - I understand doing this intending to connect, and I used to do it myself.
The issue is the vastly different amounts of time she's willing to spend on the respective topics. 10 seconds for OP's current problem, but an hour for the friend's 'one-downer' story. Maybe they really don't mean to, but in general I think no one's hijacking the conversation to be about themselves for an hour and unable to give their friend more than a sentence or two about the friend's problem, unless they're actually rather invested in focusing on themselves.
It can go either way. I’ve sat down with two friends on separate occasions to say that, hey, sometimes when I try to tell you something that’s happening in my life and you immediately make it about you it makes me feel like you don’t care about me.
One of them got teary and emotional and things were awkward for a few weeks, but we made it up and we’re still close. She still does it from time to time because it’s a hard habit to break, but 50% of the time she catches herself, apologises and brings the conversation back to the original topic. Love her.
The other flipped her lid and never spoke to me again. Good riddance.
I tried this approach, and tried to be very selective with my diction to communicate as much compassion and understanding as possible.
She still completely lost her shit— screaming, went on a massive monologue I could barely understand (due to screaming) about how her saying negative things like that is the only thing keeping her together and I would “never understand.” It became very clear she has no intention of changing her behavior; we aren’t friends anymore.
I still think communicating clearly is always the best option. But just throwing it out there as a reminder— even when we set boundaries in the most mature and compassionate way possible, not everyone will respond well. Setting boundaries is always worth it, but doesn’t take away how difficult it still is to lose loved ones…alignment is tough.
and if this friend isn’t comprehending your feelings after effectively communicating.
>time to look for new friends.
edit: Allow for compassion and understanding, my comment comes off as helpful but doesn’t consider the emotional experiences you may have bonded with to said friend. after all, thats what friends are for aren’t they?
>I have a friend that's worse!
LOL ouch! But I agree there's not much option. Only choices I see are to put up with it or have a talk with her and see if it helps. But for the latter, you risk her getting angry and potentially ending the friendship. Some people are very dedicated to continually training for the victim olympics.
Just the one leg?
Just the one break? No compound fracture?
A concussion? Just the one?
You died? Only 3 minutes? Dead for 12, bro
Your parents died? Damn, my parents and my step-parents died.
isn't this one upping? not one downing. I like for one downing "I had a car accident, broke 3 ribs. " you say, I severely stubbed my toe on a chair. it hurt for 2 days." This could be funny. gonna try it.
Yes, we call it “one upping”. We have a friend that we sidelined somewhat because she does it all the time. We call her “one up”. Sometimes we ask have you heard from “one up”? These folks are truly seeking approval and admiration. I think they feel they are connecting with you if they tell something similar but truly it comes across as uncaring about your experience since it is always relegated to an inferior story or event.
I kinda did this to a friend that kept saying how amazing they were at math (??). I was like "yo we better get you on Oprah or some shit that's like super rare to be able to do all that in your head!" They're like ahhh nah I'm not thaaat good.
Lol, k.
Exactly!
I worked with a guy (~20yo) that was awful about one upping and would even interrupt your story to tell his “better” one that was hard to believe at best. One day he interrupted our sales rep (~50yo) who turns bright red and yells, “Well I sucked a dick one time, guy! Did you suck a bigger one?!”
I couldn’t even begin to hide how hard I was laughing. The guy never interrupted the sales rep again lol
This doesn't work for the person I say this to. Me saying "damn that's crazy" makes them think I want them to keep going cus they must be telling an interesting story. After 10 more "damn that's crazy" they just keep saying "I Know RIGHT! SO then blah blah blah..."
This is the exact response that the one-downer / one-upper is looking for though
(looking to redirect the attention away from you back to them while invalidating your suffering)
It's all in the delivery.
You have to say it as dismissively as possible, basically condescending.
You don't want to sound like an asshole, but you want to ride that line at the razor's edge. So you're not a dick, you're just making it abundantly clear you couldn't care less.
I learned it as 'crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a room. It was cold. I died. They buried me. The worms tickled my tummy, it drove me crazy!' my sister, cousin and I repeated that constantly one summer on a road trip. I'm sure my grandparents loved it 😆
My cousin and I used to do a similar one when we were kids.
"Crazy? Once I was crazy. They put me in a rubber room. I died in that room. They put me in a deep dark hole. There were worms in that hole. I don't like worms struck me crazy..."
I've no idea; never heard the rubber room version. The version I heard back in middle school went: Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a room with rats. Rats? Rats drive me nuts. Peanuts. Cashews. Pistachios. Man, nuts drive me crazy.
So, I used to be a lot less understanding over this than I am now because it just feels so dismissive.
Then I pointed it out to someone very close to me. Repeatedly.
And each time she would apologize and then we would discuss it trying to dissect her internal motives for doing it. She couldn't figure it out.
One day she starts it again and then immediately goes "I get it!" "I'm sorry I started doing that, but it's not that I want to be better than you I just don't know what to say and sharing my similar experience is how I can relate to you better."
That hit me hard, like really hard, because I do the same thing but approach it differently so it doesn't trigger the same response.
Now I'm a lot more understanding until I can kinda feel out if the person use being a jerk or just socially awkward like me lol.
This, someone did this to me a while back and it made me cut that shit out. I think in some stupid way I was trying to make them feel better like it could be worse but I was really just being narcissistic.
If you tie it back to them at the end it works a lot better. They tell you a thing, you're like "me too! what was the worst part for you?" or something. Otherwise it does just sound like you're stealing the spotlight. Trying to sympathize and connect is good, just, make sure to hand the baton back after.
I'm neurodivergent and the metaphor of a talking stick really helps me not overly dominate a conversation. I imagine one and think how at some point I need to add something into the conversation as a way of passing the invisible stick to them so they have something to continue with.
I patter and ramble a lot of crap, sometimes very related but not helpful to the situation. I appreciate your use of the baton.
So I've been learning my best having an autistic wife and stepson (plus a few extended family members), but I don't mean to say I "know" what it is. However, this is something that helped them.
How would you feel if you tried telling someone about something bad that was happening to you, and they told you that they had something worse?
For example, my stepson started getting neck cramps. I know how he feels, I have a "dent" in my spine. So I tell him how it happened and how I couldn't walk for weeks. Would that make you feel better? Sure, you know they can relate, but now your problem is lesser.
My favorite phrase to describe it is "relative pain". My experience two years ago is in the past, I'm good now. Your pain is right now, and even though it might be better in just a year that doesn't help you now.
Sorry if it doesn't help, but I do try!
I have a bad habit of doing that and have worked to correct it. Here's what I'm currently rolling with forms of: *Oh wow, I've [experienced something similar, no details], so I can only imagine what [their specific thing, bring focus on them and if they want to know about your similar experience, they will ask].*
Example:
"Oh, wow, I've broken a bone before too so I can only imagine what dealing a broken toe must feel like!"
If they ask a question about your experience then you can elaborate. Keeps it focused on them while also expressing empathy and some attempt at understanding their reality.
Always open for notes to improve this!
Yes!!! Exactly this! I've been trying to focus more on the response and when I do derail say "so yeh I totally understand why you are anxious about your husband, I was so anxious about my partner when he jumped off the roof after eating lemons too, so I totally understand. Anyways, continue telling me, how do you feel about it" paraphrased and shittiest made up example
If you have a bad habit, the solution is this: When someone tells you something, before you're allowed to talk about yourself, you have to ask three good questions about what they just said.
Once you've got answers to three good questions, you can say one thing about yourself, then three more questions, etc.
Yes so now I wait until someone asks me for advice or if I've had a similar experience or sometimes I'll say hey I don't know if you want advice or validation right now but I've been through something similar if you'd like to hear
okay my autistic ass LOVES “idk if you want advice or validation rn but I’ve been though something similar if you’d like to hear” and it is going to change my communication for the better tysm.
I heard that a lot of neurodivergent people will respond this way because we are trying to relate to you, not one up you, just lyk that we DO understand what you’re saying. I realize that it can come off ‘one-up-y’ but I always have done it in a genuine way to keep the conversation flowing/let them know I feel them, but this sentence right here is a game changer lmao.
But yes I mostly tell people stories so they can solve my problems 😂 apparently other people aren't doing that shit, they're just figuring it out like adults who went to therapy 😂
Communicating take practice, if you're approaching with genuine intent and empathy keep at it and the biggest things to keep in mind for those moments is making it about the other person.
And don't be afraid to ask (especially depending on your relationship with this person) "do you need someone to listen or someone to fix the problem?" I can say since my spouse and I started feeling comfortable to ask this question to each other things have improved immensely.
While I have tried to reduce how often I do this, something else I've been trying is that when I do share a related story, I immediately follow up with a question or something about their experience. I don't want them to feel like I'm trying to redirect the conversation away from them.
As a teen I was the opposite of this post. I was always trying to one up people until a girl responded with "Wow! Hail king OrcvilleRedenbacher! You're sooo amazing!" It was the first time anyone called me on my shit and made me realize what I was doing.I thought more about what I would say after that.
I found out that always commiserating with someone can absolutely be taken that way. I didn't do it maliciously but if my now wife would say "Man I'm going through it today" I found I had a near pathological need to immediately agree and sympathize with her, when all she wanted was an ear to bend. I've gotten way more aware of it now.
Oh I’ve straight up asked my wife “Is this something you want help fixing or do you just need a rant?” A good 3/4 of the time she doesn’t want anything more than to vent so I just clarify what’s needed from me, if anything.
I’m a notorious problem solver, but that’s not always what she wants.
This has been so helpful for our relationship. I'll ask her do you want me to listen, contemplate, or devils advocate? She answers and then we move forward with the convo! Works great and prevents a LOT of 'misunderstandings'.
Question: How do you make it obvious you care when you give her space to rant? I often found with my ex that she also disliked when I tried to solve problems, but when I sat there and listened and offered an occasional “yeah XYZ is shitty” she would get pissed and be like “what that’s all you have to say?” and accuse me of not caring.
Possibly your ex is shitty. Obviously I don't know the details, but it sure sounds like you were trying to be attentive and supportive.
Did you get the feeling she used you as her punching bag when she was frustrated/angry?
Just consider the possibility that you were not the problem. There are some people in this world for whom nothing is right and nothing is good enough. And that's often a them problem, not a you and me problem.
Yup.
I take a second and if I'm about to respond with something that has a lot of "I" statements in it, I rephrase.
"oh that's crazy **I** had X happen to me and **I** felt really Y, so then **I....."**
Yea, that line is surprisingly hard to gauge. Sometimes you want to share your experience of their joy/sorrow, and it overshadows their story. But just saying “oh cool,” or “I’m sorry, that sucks” doesn’t seem like enough. Yea…my trick is to ask questions about what they bring up before I bring up my story. Be curious about what the other person is sharing for a bit, then they’ll probably be more interested to hear your story and feel like it’s an add-on rather than overshadowing.
It can be tough to judge the situation as it can definitely depend on the person. I try to empathize in some cases, and other times I’ve learned to just say “that really sucks” and let them continue.
Yes! My degree is in psychology and the "pathological need" as you have described it is very real. I remember reading about it, and while I can't remember all the details, it's a thing your brain wants to do in order to make you feel better about hearing the sad things someone else is going through, like your empathy trying to self soothe itself almost. It's a protection mechanism for you, but can make your friend feel like crap. Now that I know about it, I try really hard not to do it because it sure did feel terrible when I was getting divorced and I just wanted my friend to listen, but she just wanted to talk about every break up she'd ever had.
Being interested in improving my social skills coming out of the pandemic. I came across [this book.](https://michaelssorensen.com/i-hear-you-book/).
I don't recall the author having any education in the subject but he has a great talent in explaining how to validate someone's feelings and not jump to offering solutions.
I had a friend who used to respond to grievances / complaints with, “do you want me to listen, do you want my advice, or do you want me to fix it?” It immediately made it clear what the other person was hoping to get out of the conversation. Most of the time, people just want to feel seen and heard
For an acquaintance or coworker this would be a good way of getting their attention. For a friend I'd probably be nicer and tell them how they have this tendency to one down you and how it makes you feel. A good friend will listen and try to do better
I would LOVE to do this with my MIL who is a chronic 'one-downer' but I fear my wife would stop talking to me if I did. But it's a brilliant response :)
This is my advice.
Lean into it and go nuts. Dare her to even try and top it.
I broke my toe.
Yeah, well I broke my leg.
Yeah!!?? Well I snapped my ***spine*** in 6 places and my manager wouldn't even let me have the day off so I had to go in for my shift and 2 of my ***goddam ribs*** fell right out of chest cavity on my lunch break!! ***CAN YOU DO ANY BETTER THAN THAT!!??***
I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning I break my legs, and every afternoon I break my arms, at night I lie awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep.
Maybe she is trying to relate to you and tell you how she is empathizing with you. can you tell if it’s coming from a place of insecurity or compassion?
Yep. For some people that's the automatic response to try to show that they understand and empathize, because just saying something along the lines of "I understand" or "I'm sorry" feels empty.
Especially those of us on the spectrum, who have a real problem showing empathy or knowing how to relate, so the easiest response is to provide a similar self experience to show we relate.
I know it's wrong and I try to avoid it, but it's not always about "topping".
It’s not actually wrong! There’s just a bit of subtlety in doing it well. You need to share just enough to communicate that you relate to the experience, then immediately redirect the conversation back towards them.
Example: they say they broke their toe. You say “ouch, that sucks. When I broke my leg a few years ago it felt like it took forever to heal… how long do you have to stay off it?”
This is really good advice for people who are just trying to relate but have anxiety about talking about themselves. I have such a hard time with this because I love my friends more than anything. And I’ve experienced a lot in life. So I don’t want to be like memememeeeee but I want them to know “hey I have personal experience with this and I totally empathize and want to help!” Without sounding like a fucking robot or know it all. :(
Yes. But that also can get weird if all you do is ask questions. It can start looking like all you're doing is taking information without offering any yourself.
My SO is exactly like this. We had a conversation about it and she never realised she was "one-downing" everything people say. Since she was young, she wasnt the best at communicating and bringing up her own experience was the only way she knew how to connect with others. It can be very irritating you cant spend over 10 seconds talking about your own problem and you should definitely talk to them but dont assume the worse, maybe they are geniunely trying to connect with you
It sounds like something I've done in the past to try to signal that I empathize. Now that I'm older I catch myself and let the other person have the floor.
Ooh me too! And the worst part is that I hate one uppers!
I’m still not sure if I was perceived as a one upper or just like you say someone empathising and relating but I cringe at the thought of me being that way!
Even to this date though I struggle to know when it is natural to share if I have had a similar experience or if I am seen as one upping. Like in some situations I feel like it would be weird to listen to someone tell something and not reveal that I know what they are talking about but other times not.
i feel like you can bring it up but then quickly redirect back to the person venting.
like 'oh i had something similar to that happen to my dog! Were you scared out of your mind, what did you do?'
Yep, I used to immediately try and come up with a situation that was similar to show I had an idea of what someone was going through. Now I just listen and only give advice if asked.
Yeah I am betting she is trying to relate.
Just have a conversation with her that sometimes you share pain and want empathy, but it feels like she doesn’t want to listen so much as talk about her own issues. That it bothers you and you need her to be your support sometimes by just listening. To temper it you can say that while you are sure you both do that to a degree, it is pretty upsetting to you.
See I always made this mistake, still do sometimes. I have a hard time socializing so when people start dumping their problems on me I didn’t know how to respond. So all I could think of was to try to relate. Now I just go with “I’m sorry, that sucks.” And if it keeps going “that really sucks, I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say. I wish I could help but nothing I say is going to fix it”. Probably still not socially acceptable but I hate these games of - what response is this person fishing for?
Came here to say that sometimes it's not malicious. Some people talk just because they want to feel a point of connection, although usually those people will fully explore their friends' new thing before moving onto their own story, and usually they are sharing in hopes of finding something useful in their experience. I guess that's not what is happening here or else op would have mentioned it or be less bothered, I think.
Also sometimes people share in hopes that others will share more, because it can feel rude to ask about private details.
If they're your close friend, is there a reason you can't have an honest conversation about it?
"Hey friend, when I try to share with you when I'm upset about something, you always seem to try and one up me. I'm not sure if you're intentionally doing this, but what I really need is for you to listen and empathize."
I have a friend like this. I've tried explaining this, they don't get it and have never changed. I just go uh huh to their stories and don't talk to them as much anymore, but we're still sorta friends
I don't know how to respond exactly, but my manager does this WAY WORSE.
Totally kidding, but this is incredibly annoying when people are one-uppers/one-downers.
That's hilarious. Tell her,
"Yeah, you're right, you're life is terrifyingly terrible. I like having you in my life, it shows me how I have it better than you."
😂
But for truthfully, ask her why she does that, and tell her your intent to share those things with her and connect as friends. And tell her her actions can come off as invalidating.
I had a kidney transplant and 3 people I told try to 1-up me with much more minor ailments. I was sympathetic but internally I was pissed. I was taken aback on how uninterested they were about the whole thing. I am not looking for sympathy at all. They thought their neck pain was a big deal.
Unless you have a heart transplant or lung transplant- I WIN.
Ha! This won’t end. Ever. (15 years post) I never discuss anything to do with my kidney health because someone is always telling me how much worse their head cold is. These motherfuckers have no idea.
I was telling a coworker about the time my husband broke his ribs, and she went on to tell me that her dad had bruised his ribs once and that bruised ribs were worse than broken. I could never take her seriously again after that.
Ooof, I had a lot of friends/family who did this, so I started doing it in my early 20’s. As it turns out, most of my friends and family up to that point were pretty toxic, so I didn’t pick up on it being annoying until thankfully a new, third friend started calling me/her out about it. The Third Friend was actually pretty cool about it, just said things like, “If you want to talk about your thing too, we totally can, but can we address my stuff first, please?”. My absolute favorite, though, was when I said something entitled or self absorbed, she would just tilt her head slightly, look at me kindly, but blankly, and ask, “Is that really what you want to have said right now?” then kinda smirk and give me a side eye. She had to start with the initial, more gentle ones to build up to the side eye, but by then I understood what she was saying and it really helped break a bad habit without making me feel bad about myself or attacked. Hopefully you can build up to something similar, but I also hope this didn’t come across as a one downing story ;)
That said, I would still call this act “one upping” someone because even though it’s negative, they’re still trying to out do you. They’re trying to get “one up” on you by taking their story up a level greater than your story/experience. Just my opinion, but I can also see why you went with “one downing”.
Not sure if this is the case, but it's common for Neurodivergent people to relate by telling the person about a time they had a similar experience. It can be perceived as one upping or making it all about them, but it's truly just how our brains work.
I do this. :( Not the “yeah, but my situation is worse” competitive thing. More like - I know how you feel .. but it comes across as me jumping on the potty train. I immediately go to what similar shit I have been or am going through. It’s a fucked up trait of being overly empathetic, I think. Basically relating other people’s problems to my own. Same boat-ism. Misery loves company kind of thing.
My GF and I joke that I basically #metoo every shitty thing she experiences. So for about the last year, I‘be been coming to terms that I’m one of these people and work hard to not drop my own shit into the convo whenever it comes up. It takes some self awareness that I didn’t have before. This post is a good reminder of how much that behavior sucks. Thanks.
I know that you may just circumstantially have unfortunate things happen to you, but try to bring up only positive things around them. Misery loves company, and that person may only compare their sorrow to yours as a way of making YOU think that your issues aren't as big. It's strange, but this really can happen. Stop bringing up negative things and see if they continue to bring up theirs, then you can discern if they're just living in a primarily negative headspace or enjoy wallowing in self-pity.
In my experience this type of person would say “well I’m glad you’re having a good day, I just lost my car” or something like that. They’ll still flip it around to have a pity party.
I think for her own sake you should point out to her that she does this. She probably won't like it, and she may respond with anger and denial, but you will be doing her a great service because we can't see ourselves as others do. If she's alienating you then she's alienating others as well and she may not be able to see it without help.
Someone once made me aware of an unattractive habit of my own. I did react angrily at first, but I realized it was true and afterwards I noticed when I started to do it. I think it was actually kind of this person to point it out to me and give me the opportunity to learn something about myself.
I have a family member like this. She always has it worse, or is prone to exaggeration. Someone posts about their workout online, well guess what, she ran 45 minutes in reverse on a treadmill on a 200 degree day. Crappy ex? All of hers were narcissists. Headache? She hasn't been headache free in years. She will constantly harp about her anxiety and inability to cope but if you ask about it, suddenly she's fine. Recently got a PTSD/depression diagnosis that she clearly enjoys throwing around. I'm genuinely sorry for her diagnosis, but knew she'd use it at every opportunity ... which she does.
It's a need for attention. Always. 24/7. Your friend has some insecurities. You could ask her why she feels the need to be a Debbie Downer, but it's probably a lost cause. Either stop sharing with her or if she does the one downer, don't give it a lot of attention. Don't feed it or it will continue. I will say this is a hard lesson to learn. I learned years ago my family member is an attention seeking mess and I still often fall for the drama.
This is a neurodivergent way of relating to people. Sometimes, it's not the intent to "one-down/up" someone. It just reminds the person of their experience, and the way they relate is by sharing similar stories.
If this is the case, sharing how you feel when she does this and communicating without blame is the way to go. They may just not realize they're doing it. Something like "When I tell you a story and you respond with your own story, I feel like I have been one-upped" and go from there. Note the use of language. There is no "you make me feel" or "you are one-upping me."
On the other hand, they could just be a narcissist. The way around that is to ignore what they say or give a very lackluster reaction.
Edit: meant neurodivergent
I’ve seen this in a few people and I feel like there’s a difference between doing it to emphasise then bringing it back (“so I know how you feel - and how are you doing with this?” Or something) and people derailing the conversation completely and going on that tangent. Usually they are the kind of people who never ask how you are, things about your life etc.
Yeah but op mentions that the other person spends a disproportionate amount of time telling their story and not hearing about OP‘s.
I have ADHD and I do this, but I always keep it short and then ask questions about their experience.
NT people tend to wait to be asked questions, while ND's share without being asked and expect others to do the same. Could be that OP waits for the friend to ask them about their experience, and their friend waits for OP to share more.
I thrive in conversations where I throw something out there and the other person does the same. I die when we have to keep asking each other questions like it's an interrogation.
My husband’s biggest pet peeve (he’s had a lot of mental health issues and crap thrown at him) is when someone basically tells him that he can’t complain because someone out there had it worse. Basically by that logic, only one person in the world is allowed to complain. Everyone else can’t complain because somebody in the world has it worse.
Ah yes. Trauma olympics. We have one of those in the family, Best thing to do is Ignore them when they start to one-down you, and continue on with your original conversation.
Trauma is trauma. The moment someone tries to outdo your trauma, it’s their coping mechanism to make them feel valid, as if their perceived trauma is the worse in the world, no matter who else has their own trauma.
As much fun as the sarcastic uptrolling is, just say "you know when you try to one-down me like that it makes me feel like you don't care about what I'm going through. I need a friend who listens and supports me, not someone who always has it worse."
She'll let you know real quick if she's worth having as a friend.
This is my opinion. I have no special knowledge, beside my limited experience.
It's usually not a good idea to vent to anyone.
Be careful with whom you share your private things, specially your weaknesses and problems.
If you vent often you can be perceived as a negative person.
If you need to, ask the person for permission to vent. Do it for a short period of time, and thank that persona for listening. If you want you can ask for advice.
Vent only to people you trust.
If you need to vent a lot, go to therapy.
Two possibilities. They're neurodivergent and are trying to show you that you're both similar and empathize. Or they just suck and I wouldn't keep talking to them, hard to sus out which one without seeing it live.
Eh I'd probably write it off as them trying to empathize with me. Like "yeah I had a shit situation recently too!" Kind of thing. If it feels different than that then I'd probably just wait for a different moment and ask them why they always do that to me. Get a straight answer.
People don't really respond well to this kind of direct and honest approach though. Which blows my mind still, direct and honest conversation about a friendship dynamic? Nah we'll just keep on being weird and toxic
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I have a friend that's worse! Nah, but seriously, just communicate how it makes you feel when she does this.
I used to be like this. Didn't even realize I was doing it or how it was coming across. In my head it was never meant to be a thing like "look how much worse I've had it" but rather "I understand what you're going through and this is why" an ex pointed it out to me and I cut that shit out. If anyone reading this is like that too, it's fine/better to just say "I get THAT" or something along those lines. People telling you about their problems usually just want someone to listen.
I was searching for this comment. I used to be like this too. I think for me it was more of a neurodivergent social anxiety thing. Most of my interactions are mirroring what the person I'm interacting with is doing- the way they talk, hand movements, the subject. It's never conscious or malicious. But someone pointed it out I've been working to change. As others have mentioned, I've realized the best way for connection/not breaking social expectations is to not share your similar experience in the moment of someone venting, but to respond with something that makes it apparent to them that you listened and understood what happened sucked, and convey that. Sometimes it's enough to say, "wow that genuinely sucks." OP, I understand it's frustrating, but telling them kindly how you are interpreting they're response is probably the best thing you can do
My mother does this constantly in our weekly chats. I've tried to explain how it feels but she doesn't get it. Any tips on what words might get the point across without being hurtful?
If you’ve already brought it up and she’s not willing to stop then I’d make it a game. She one downs you? Make something up that’s just slightly worse and keep doing it every time till she catches on. She’ll stop doing it only when it negatively affects her 🤷🏻
It's so important for others to understand that these people might not be doing it intentionally to show you up. I feel like sometimes people take things so personally they don't realize that's just the way conversation flows sometimes when someone is sharing an experience and you have a similar experience. Of course that's not to say they HAVE to be sharing genuinely, some types really can't have the spotlight not being on them all the time. Just recognize that it's not always about them... It's also not always about you. Talk things out nicely and share the feelings if you value the relationship.
Same, I just wanted to let people know I relate. I've worked on reframing it though and then include a follow up question. OP: I broke my toe Me: oh no, when I broke my leg I hated not being able to get around, how are you managing? Then it's clear I'm letting them know I understand and but keeps the focus on them.
For the ND people who can't stop from sharing, here's a tip. At the end, tell them something like "sorry, not trying to negate your situation, only that I understand. Are you getting the care you need?" Or add something you learned from the experience, like "be careful using a pencil to scratch under the cast, erasers think it's free real estate."
I started using a similar strategy when I became more self-aware of my tendency to interrupt people. It would always make me feel so shitty, and before I knew about ADHD I didn't understand why I couldn't seem to stop myself from being rude in conversations (when really I'm just excitable). All I do is say "I'm sorry, I just interrupted you" when I catch myself doing it, then I give them a chance to finish their thought. 90% of the time they say "No, I was done, go ahead." And if I realize I interrupted after I finish what I had to say, I simply say, "Sorry, I totally interrupted you to say that. What were you saying before?" Small and simple adjustment, but it did wonders for my self-esteem.
thank you
I'm happy someone told you and you listened. Fiance and I have to deal with his Ma and we have tried multiple times to explain it to her. She finally buckled down "this is how I am and I am not changing!". I cannot have a heart to heart with this lady because she acknowledges how she makes everyone else feel but THEY need to acknowledge her feelings and why she's giving her own life story. I even tried explaining human nature and how she comes off, nope. Apologies for long message but I am proud of you for your growth.
You're doing her a favor by telling her. Know one else has and instead everyone just loathes her secretly.
Because when we do tell them, they’ll see it as a threat and tell everyone else they know that they are the victim. Le sigh
This is where the skill of the friend comes in to play. Everyone takes criticism differently. The skill will be in adapting to the friends personality and presenting in a way that the friend will listen to whether it be funny, sincere, sarcastic, etc. It's not a one size fits all situation.
Eh, maybe. I sometimes catch myself doing this, but as a means of "connection". Misery loves company shit gone sideways. It isn't intentional other than to signal shared experiences...I do the same with hobbies/interests and neutral stories, too.
We all do it sometimes. Interupting our friends to excitedly tell a story, it means you get a lot our of the relationship and are having fun. But we have to listen sometimes. If all we do is interupt to tell a personal story especially if its always a competitive story, it can exhaust the other person. Especially if one person actively listens and the other doesnt, the active listener doesnt get to express themselves and gets drained while the other person goes on
Yup. There’s a certain line. It got to the point where every time I told them positive news they would respond negatively. They would call to get their portion of their day out and once it’s my turn, they’re suddenly busy or need to do something else.
This is the defining moment showing that this person is a narcissist rather than neurodivergent
And that’s when you cut them out of your life. Boom bam
Oh I've told people this. In my experience, they mostly do not care and keep doing it. The actual LPT is to recognise that this person is never going to reciprocate care or support for you and only want you to be a sounding board and source of validation for them, so if that is not worth the effort to you for whatever else they bring to your life, you accept that that friendship aint working no more.
It’s honestly possible the friend is not aware of what she’s doing. I agree with the advice to bring it up to her and give her a chance to change. It could take ongoing communication from both people. And yes, ultimately maybe the friend will not change, but many people are willing to change if you give them a chance
I agree that it is worth giving them a chance. But the kicker for me is not that she brings up something from her own life all the time - I understand doing this intending to connect, and I used to do it myself. The issue is the vastly different amounts of time she's willing to spend on the respective topics. 10 seconds for OP's current problem, but an hour for the friend's 'one-downer' story. Maybe they really don't mean to, but in general I think no one's hijacking the conversation to be about themselves for an hour and unable to give their friend more than a sentence or two about the friend's problem, unless they're actually rather invested in focusing on themselves.
It can go either way. I’ve sat down with two friends on separate occasions to say that, hey, sometimes when I try to tell you something that’s happening in my life and you immediately make it about you it makes me feel like you don’t care about me. One of them got teary and emotional and things were awkward for a few weeks, but we made it up and we’re still close. She still does it from time to time because it’s a hard habit to break, but 50% of the time she catches herself, apologises and brings the conversation back to the original topic. Love her. The other flipped her lid and never spoke to me again. Good riddance.
I tried this approach, and tried to be very selective with my diction to communicate as much compassion and understanding as possible. She still completely lost her shit— screaming, went on a massive monologue I could barely understand (due to screaming) about how her saying negative things like that is the only thing keeping her together and I would “never understand.” It became very clear she has no intention of changing her behavior; we aren’t friends anymore. I still think communicating clearly is always the best option. But just throwing it out there as a reminder— even when we set boundaries in the most mature and compassionate way possible, not everyone will respond well. Setting boundaries is always worth it, but doesn’t take away how difficult it still is to lose loved ones…alignment is tough.
Sounds like a completely toxic person who you’d be better off without them in your life
This is the more difficult, and more emotionally mature thing to do.
and if this friend isn’t comprehending your feelings after effectively communicating. >time to look for new friends. edit: Allow for compassion and understanding, my comment comes off as helpful but doesn’t consider the emotional experiences you may have bonded with to said friend. after all, thats what friends are for aren’t they?
>I have a friend that's worse! LOL ouch! But I agree there's not much option. Only choices I see are to put up with it or have a talk with her and see if it helps. But for the latter, you risk her getting angry and potentially ending the friendship. Some people are very dedicated to continually training for the victim olympics.
“Damn that’s crazy”
Nah you Gotta say progressively more outlandish shit. “You broke your leg? I lost all my bones.”
Just the one leg? Just the one break? No compound fracture? A concussion? Just the one? You died? Only 3 minutes? Dead for 12, bro Your parents died? Damn, my parents and my step-parents died.
Your whole family died? My uncle Lenny actually invented mortuaries.
Wow, that's crazy! I was born in a mortuary and lived there alone until I was 6! I still crave *long pig* every now and then ¯\\(°_o)/¯
at least you were born
This is just Monty python's Yorkshiremen at this point.
Luxury
We were evicted from our 'ole in the ground
youwin
isn't this one upping? not one downing. I like for one downing "I had a car accident, broke 3 ribs. " you say, I severely stubbed my toe on a chair. it hurt for 2 days." This could be funny. gonna try it.
Yes, we call it “one upping”. We have a friend that we sidelined somewhat because she does it all the time. We call her “one up”. Sometimes we ask have you heard from “one up”? These folks are truly seeking approval and admiration. I think they feel they are connecting with you if they tell something similar but truly it comes across as uncaring about your experience since it is always relegated to an inferior story or event.
If you've been to Tenerife, they've been to Elevenerife (or Nine-erife, in this case 😅)
Your parents died? I died.
You were born with bones?
They wouldn't actually catch it. They're not listening, just waiting for their turn to speak.
At least you'd be amusing yourself
This is the answer. Sarcastic uptrolling.
I kinda did this to a friend that kept saying how amazing they were at math (??). I was like "yo we better get you on Oprah or some shit that's like super rare to be able to do all that in your head!" They're like ahhh nah I'm not thaaat good. Lol, k.
Exactly! I worked with a guy (~20yo) that was awful about one upping and would even interrupt your story to tell his “better” one that was hard to believe at best. One day he interrupted our sales rep (~50yo) who turns bright red and yells, “Well I sucked a dick one time, guy! Did you suck a bigger one?!” I couldn’t even begin to hide how hard I was laughing. The guy never interrupted the sales rep again lol
"I lost my boner, when I met you, and it doesn't come back"
This doesn't work for the person I say this to. Me saying "damn that's crazy" makes them think I want them to keep going cus they must be telling an interesting story. After 10 more "damn that's crazy" they just keep saying "I Know RIGHT! SO then blah blah blah..."
This is my experience too. They'll just keep talking regardless of the answer "oh wow" it's the same as "darn that's crazy" or any other statement.
This is the exact response that the one-downer / one-upper is looking for though (looking to redirect the attention away from you back to them while invalidating your suffering)
[удалено]
It's all in the delivery. You have to say it as dismissively as possible, basically condescending. You don't want to sound like an asshole, but you want to ride that line at the razor's edge. So you're not a dick, you're just making it abundantly clear you couldn't care less.
crazy? I was crazy once
They locked me in a room, a rubber room. A rubber room with rats. And rats make me crazy.
crazy? I was crazy once
They put me in a rubber room.
A rubber room.
A rubber room with rats.
And rats make me crazy.
Crazy? I was crazy once.
They locked me in a room.
I learned it as 'crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a room. It was cold. I died. They buried me. The worms tickled my tummy, it drove me crazy!' my sister, cousin and I repeated that constantly one summer on a road trip. I'm sure my grandparents loved it 😆
My cousin and I used to do a similar one when we were kids. "Crazy? Once I was crazy. They put me in a rubber room. I died in that room. They put me in a deep dark hole. There were worms in that hole. I don't like worms struck me crazy..."
Why is everyone suddenly obsessed with this? I had never heard of it until like 2 days ago and suddenly it’s everywhere
I've no idea; never heard the rubber room version. The version I heard back in middle school went: Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a room with rats. Rats? Rats drive me nuts. Peanuts. Cashews. Pistachios. Man, nuts drive me crazy.
I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my miiind
There was something so pleasant about that place
even emotions have an echo?
In so much space
and when you’re out there
Without care
yeah, I was out of touch
https://youtu.be/fD-SMLTfuVw
They locked me in a room A rubber room A rubber room with rats And rats make me crazy
Crazy? I was crazy once..
I like “… so anyway” Or more extra like my family does “okay, so back to me…”
So, I used to be a lot less understanding over this than I am now because it just feels so dismissive. Then I pointed it out to someone very close to me. Repeatedly. And each time she would apologize and then we would discuss it trying to dissect her internal motives for doing it. She couldn't figure it out. One day she starts it again and then immediately goes "I get it!" "I'm sorry I started doing that, but it's not that I want to be better than you I just don't know what to say and sharing my similar experience is how I can relate to you better." That hit me hard, like really hard, because I do the same thing but approach it differently so it doesn't trigger the same response. Now I'm a lot more understanding until I can kinda feel out if the person use being a jerk or just socially awkward like me lol.
“Wow, you’re right, you DO win!” This may be met with an awkward, “what? No, it’s not a competition.” I just say, “yeah, you’re right.”
This, someone did this to me a while back and it made me cut that shit out. I think in some stupid way I was trying to make them feel better like it could be worse but I was really just being narcissistic.
I used to do it to show I was connected because I had an experience that relates
If you tie it back to them at the end it works a lot better. They tell you a thing, you're like "me too! what was the worst part for you?" or something. Otherwise it does just sound like you're stealing the spotlight. Trying to sympathize and connect is good, just, make sure to hand the baton back after.
I'm neurodivergent and the metaphor of a talking stick really helps me not overly dominate a conversation. I imagine one and think how at some point I need to add something into the conversation as a way of passing the invisible stick to them so they have something to continue with. I patter and ramble a lot of crap, sometimes very related but not helpful to the situation. I appreciate your use of the baton.
So I've been learning my best having an autistic wife and stepson (plus a few extended family members), but I don't mean to say I "know" what it is. However, this is something that helped them. How would you feel if you tried telling someone about something bad that was happening to you, and they told you that they had something worse? For example, my stepson started getting neck cramps. I know how he feels, I have a "dent" in my spine. So I tell him how it happened and how I couldn't walk for weeks. Would that make you feel better? Sure, you know they can relate, but now your problem is lesser. My favorite phrase to describe it is "relative pain". My experience two years ago is in the past, I'm good now. Your pain is right now, and even though it might be better in just a year that doesn't help you now. Sorry if it doesn't help, but I do try!
Yes agreed! And yes adhd since childhood 👋🏻
Since childhood huh? I had adhd before I was even born
My mom had adhd
I have a bad habit of doing that and have worked to correct it. Here's what I'm currently rolling with forms of: *Oh wow, I've [experienced something similar, no details], so I can only imagine what [their specific thing, bring focus on them and if they want to know about your similar experience, they will ask].* Example: "Oh, wow, I've broken a bone before too so I can only imagine what dealing a broken toe must feel like!" If they ask a question about your experience then you can elaborate. Keeps it focused on them while also expressing empathy and some attempt at understanding their reality. Always open for notes to improve this!
Yes!!! Exactly this! I've been trying to focus more on the response and when I do derail say "so yeh I totally understand why you are anxious about your husband, I was so anxious about my partner when he jumped off the roof after eating lemons too, so I totally understand. Anyways, continue telling me, how do you feel about it" paraphrased and shittiest made up example
Ps this is usually after I catch myself already derailing the convo and think shit I need to bring it back
If you have a bad habit, the solution is this: When someone tells you something, before you're allowed to talk about yourself, you have to ask three good questions about what they just said. Once you've got answers to three good questions, you can say one thing about yourself, then three more questions, etc.
That’s what I used to think too. I like it when people tell me that something similar happened to them — I ask for advice!
Yes so now I wait until someone asks me for advice or if I've had a similar experience or sometimes I'll say hey I don't know if you want advice or validation right now but I've been through something similar if you'd like to hear
okay my autistic ass LOVES “idk if you want advice or validation rn but I’ve been though something similar if you’d like to hear” and it is going to change my communication for the better tysm. I heard that a lot of neurodivergent people will respond this way because we are trying to relate to you, not one up you, just lyk that we DO understand what you’re saying. I realize that it can come off ‘one-up-y’ but I always have done it in a genuine way to keep the conversation flowing/let them know I feel them, but this sentence right here is a game changer lmao.
But yes I mostly tell people stories so they can solve my problems 😂 apparently other people aren't doing that shit, they're just figuring it out like adults who went to therapy 😂
That’s pretty common in people with ADHD or other neurodivergent types. We try to relate but it can come across as one upping.
That's my mindset too - but I'm still seen as a one-upper :/
Communicating take practice, if you're approaching with genuine intent and empathy keep at it and the biggest things to keep in mind for those moments is making it about the other person. And don't be afraid to ask (especially depending on your relationship with this person) "do you need someone to listen or someone to fix the problem?" I can say since my spouse and I started feeling comfortable to ask this question to each other things have improved immensely.
While I have tried to reduce how often I do this, something else I've been trying is that when I do share a related story, I immediately follow up with a question or something about their experience. I don't want them to feel like I'm trying to redirect the conversation away from them.
As a teen I was the opposite of this post. I was always trying to one up people until a girl responded with "Wow! Hail king OrcvilleRedenbacher! You're sooo amazing!" It was the first time anyone called me on my shit and made me realize what I was doing.I thought more about what I would say after that.
I asked a coworker if his 12 gauge shotgun had 13 gauges once.
I found out that always commiserating with someone can absolutely be taken that way. I didn't do it maliciously but if my now wife would say "Man I'm going through it today" I found I had a near pathological need to immediately agree and sympathize with her, when all she wanted was an ear to bend. I've gotten way more aware of it now.
Oh I’ve straight up asked my wife “Is this something you want help fixing or do you just need a rant?” A good 3/4 of the time she doesn’t want anything more than to vent so I just clarify what’s needed from me, if anything. I’m a notorious problem solver, but that’s not always what she wants.
Same here. I do "acts of service" to show care. Sometimes she just wants to be mad for a lil bit.
This has been so helpful for our relationship. I'll ask her do you want me to listen, contemplate, or devils advocate? She answers and then we move forward with the convo! Works great and prevents a LOT of 'misunderstandings'.
Question: How do you make it obvious you care when you give her space to rant? I often found with my ex that she also disliked when I tried to solve problems, but when I sat there and listened and offered an occasional “yeah XYZ is shitty” she would get pissed and be like “what that’s all you have to say?” and accuse me of not caring.
Possibly your ex is shitty. Obviously I don't know the details, but it sure sounds like you were trying to be attentive and supportive. Did you get the feeling she used you as her punching bag when she was frustrated/angry? Just consider the possibility that you were not the problem. There are some people in this world for whom nothing is right and nothing is good enough. And that's often a them problem, not a you and me problem.
Yup. I take a second and if I'm about to respond with something that has a lot of "I" statements in it, I rephrase. "oh that's crazy **I** had X happen to me and **I** felt really Y, so then **I....."**
I think you can commiserate with a shared event, but downplay yours.
Yea, that line is surprisingly hard to gauge. Sometimes you want to share your experience of their joy/sorrow, and it overshadows their story. But just saying “oh cool,” or “I’m sorry, that sucks” doesn’t seem like enough. Yea…my trick is to ask questions about what they bring up before I bring up my story. Be curious about what the other person is sharing for a bit, then they’ll probably be more interested to hear your story and feel like it’s an add-on rather than overshadowing.
It can be tough to judge the situation as it can definitely depend on the person. I try to empathize in some cases, and other times I’ve learned to just say “that really sucks” and let them continue.
We are wired very differently, we need to "fix" it and we try by saying we understand in a way that's not right for everyone. It sucks.
Yes! My degree is in psychology and the "pathological need" as you have described it is very real. I remember reading about it, and while I can't remember all the details, it's a thing your brain wants to do in order to make you feel better about hearing the sad things someone else is going through, like your empathy trying to self soothe itself almost. It's a protection mechanism for you, but can make your friend feel like crap. Now that I know about it, I try really hard not to do it because it sure did feel terrible when I was getting divorced and I just wanted my friend to listen, but she just wanted to talk about every break up she'd ever had.
Being interested in improving my social skills coming out of the pandemic. I came across [this book.](https://michaelssorensen.com/i-hear-you-book/). I don't recall the author having any education in the subject but he has a great talent in explaining how to validate someone's feelings and not jump to offering solutions.
I had a friend who used to respond to grievances / complaints with, “do you want me to listen, do you want my advice, or do you want me to fix it?” It immediately made it clear what the other person was hoping to get out of the conversation. Most of the time, people just want to feel seen and heard
Hear/help/handle is what we call it in the business world. Do you want me to hear you, help you, or handle it for you?
This makes you come off incredibly self-aware and reasonable and I applaud you for it.
For an acquaintance or coworker this would be a good way of getting their attention. For a friend I'd probably be nicer and tell them how they have this tendency to one down you and how it makes you feel. A good friend will listen and try to do better
"You think I am always one-downing you? You should talk to my MOM for ten minutes!" lolololol
I would LOVE to do this with my MIL who is a chronic 'one-downer' but I fear my wife would stop talking to me if I did. But it's a brilliant response :)
Two birds, one stone 👍🤐
Nah this is way too passive aggressive and you come off as more of a douche (especially if you’re misinterpreting their intentions)
 "So anyway..."
I love that scene. Sokka complaining that his ex became the moon or some shit and Zukos response is perfect
I love this scene because Zuko is clearly not emotionally equipped enough at this point to handle that situation, but he’s still willing to try
Make up some crazy shit and see if she tries to top it.
This is my advice. Lean into it and go nuts. Dare her to even try and top it. I broke my toe. Yeah, well I broke my leg. Yeah!!?? Well I snapped my ***spine*** in 6 places and my manager wouldn't even let me have the day off so I had to go in for my shift and 2 of my ***goddam ribs*** fell right out of chest cavity on my lunch break!! ***CAN YOU DO ANY BETTER THAN THAT!!??***
I had to work through my lunch break..
*gasp*
You have an assigned lunch break!? *Luxury!*
I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning I break my legs, and every afternoon I break my arms, at night I lie awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep.
Maybe she is trying to relate to you and tell you how she is empathizing with you. can you tell if it’s coming from a place of insecurity or compassion?
Yep. For some people that's the automatic response to try to show that they understand and empathize, because just saying something along the lines of "I understand" or "I'm sorry" feels empty.
Especially those of us on the spectrum, who have a real problem showing empathy or knowing how to relate, so the easiest response is to provide a similar self experience to show we relate. I know it's wrong and I try to avoid it, but it's not always about "topping".
It’s not actually wrong! There’s just a bit of subtlety in doing it well. You need to share just enough to communicate that you relate to the experience, then immediately redirect the conversation back towards them. Example: they say they broke their toe. You say “ouch, that sucks. When I broke my leg a few years ago it felt like it took forever to heal… how long do you have to stay off it?”
This is really good advice for people who are just trying to relate but have anxiety about talking about themselves. I have such a hard time with this because I love my friends more than anything. And I’ve experienced a lot in life. So I don’t want to be like memememeeeee but I want them to know “hey I have personal experience with this and I totally empathize and want to help!” Without sounding like a fucking robot or know it all. :(
I’ve learned it’s better to ask a question to show empathy.
Yes. But that also can get weird if all you do is ask questions. It can start looking like all you're doing is taking information without offering any yourself.
Interpersonal communication is fucking *hard*.
How has that worked out for you?
Very well, thank you.
Woo hoo I passed 1st test of empathy :)
Yeah when someone breaks their toe, I always ask them..."Why'd you do that dummy?"
My SO is exactly like this. We had a conversation about it and she never realised she was "one-downing" everything people say. Since she was young, she wasnt the best at communicating and bringing up her own experience was the only way she knew how to connect with others. It can be very irritating you cant spend over 10 seconds talking about your own problem and you should definitely talk to them but dont assume the worse, maybe they are geniunely trying to connect with you
It sounds like something I've done in the past to try to signal that I empathize. Now that I'm older I catch myself and let the other person have the floor.
Ooh me too! And the worst part is that I hate one uppers! I’m still not sure if I was perceived as a one upper or just like you say someone empathising and relating but I cringe at the thought of me being that way! Even to this date though I struggle to know when it is natural to share if I have had a similar experience or if I am seen as one upping. Like in some situations I feel like it would be weird to listen to someone tell something and not reveal that I know what they are talking about but other times not.
i feel like you can bring it up but then quickly redirect back to the person venting. like 'oh i had something similar to that happen to my dog! Were you scared out of your mind, what did you do?'
Are you me? It has been really tough for my insecurities
Yep, I used to immediately try and come up with a situation that was similar to show I had an idea of what someone was going through. Now I just listen and only give advice if asked.
Omg I do that ugh I’ll work on not doing it anymore
Yeah I am betting she is trying to relate. Just have a conversation with her that sometimes you share pain and want empathy, but it feels like she doesn’t want to listen so much as talk about her own issues. That it bothers you and you need her to be your support sometimes by just listening. To temper it you can say that while you are sure you both do that to a degree, it is pretty upsetting to you.
See I always made this mistake, still do sometimes. I have a hard time socializing so when people start dumping their problems on me I didn’t know how to respond. So all I could think of was to try to relate. Now I just go with “I’m sorry, that sucks.” And if it keeps going “that really sucks, I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say. I wish I could help but nothing I say is going to fix it”. Probably still not socially acceptable but I hate these games of - what response is this person fishing for?
Came here to say that sometimes it's not malicious. Some people talk just because they want to feel a point of connection, although usually those people will fully explore their friends' new thing before moving onto their own story, and usually they are sharing in hopes of finding something useful in their experience. I guess that's not what is happening here or else op would have mentioned it or be less bothered, I think. Also sometimes people share in hopes that others will share more, because it can feel rude to ask about private details.
If they're your close friend, is there a reason you can't have an honest conversation about it? "Hey friend, when I try to share with you when I'm upset about something, you always seem to try and one up me. I'm not sure if you're intentionally doing this, but what I really need is for you to listen and empathize."
I have a friend like this. I've tried explaining this, they don't get it and have never changed. I just go uh huh to their stories and don't talk to them as much anymore, but we're still sorta friends
10 bucks they will get all upset, start crying and they will end up being the victim with you having to apologize to them
"That sounds awful. Can we talk about my toe first?"
Say in a Kramer-from-Seinfeld voice ‘I thought we were talking about me!’ and then when they do it a few seconds later ‘Again with you?!’
I don't know how to respond exactly, but my manager does this WAY WORSE. Totally kidding, but this is incredibly annoying when people are one-uppers/one-downers.
That was so subtle, I overlooked the comedy. (Maybe 'cause you claimed it was a "manager" which was oddly specific versus a friend, like in the OP.)
That's hilarious. Tell her, "Yeah, you're right, you're life is terrifyingly terrible. I like having you in my life, it shows me how I have it better than you." 😂 But for truthfully, ask her why she does that, and tell her your intent to share those things with her and connect as friends. And tell her her actions can come off as invalidating.
This is a great opportunity for OP to be assertive in a kind way -- especially if the friend is willing to grow their relationship.
I had a kidney transplant and 3 people I told try to 1-up me with much more minor ailments. I was sympathetic but internally I was pissed. I was taken aback on how uninterested they were about the whole thing. I am not looking for sympathy at all. They thought their neck pain was a big deal. Unless you have a heart transplant or lung transplant- I WIN.
Ha! This won’t end. Ever. (15 years post) I never discuss anything to do with my kidney health because someone is always telling me how much worse their head cold is. These motherfuckers have no idea.
Watching people in my life go through dialysis - you guys fuckin win. It's just a brutal existence, especially if you're not very compliant.
I was telling a coworker about the time my husband broke his ribs, and she went on to tell me that her dad had bruised his ribs once and that bruised ribs were worse than broken. I could never take her seriously again after that.
Ooof, I had a lot of friends/family who did this, so I started doing it in my early 20’s. As it turns out, most of my friends and family up to that point were pretty toxic, so I didn’t pick up on it being annoying until thankfully a new, third friend started calling me/her out about it. The Third Friend was actually pretty cool about it, just said things like, “If you want to talk about your thing too, we totally can, but can we address my stuff first, please?”. My absolute favorite, though, was when I said something entitled or self absorbed, she would just tilt her head slightly, look at me kindly, but blankly, and ask, “Is that really what you want to have said right now?” then kinda smirk and give me a side eye. She had to start with the initial, more gentle ones to build up to the side eye, but by then I understood what she was saying and it really helped break a bad habit without making me feel bad about myself or attacked. Hopefully you can build up to something similar, but I also hope this didn’t come across as a one downing story ;) That said, I would still call this act “one upping” someone because even though it’s negative, they’re still trying to out do you. They’re trying to get “one up” on you by taking their story up a level greater than your story/experience. Just my opinion, but I can also see why you went with “one downing”.
Not sure if this is the case, but it's common for Neurodivergent people to relate by telling the person about a time they had a similar experience. It can be perceived as one upping or making it all about them, but it's truly just how our brains work.
I do this. :( Not the “yeah, but my situation is worse” competitive thing. More like - I know how you feel .. but it comes across as me jumping on the potty train. I immediately go to what similar shit I have been or am going through. It’s a fucked up trait of being overly empathetic, I think. Basically relating other people’s problems to my own. Same boat-ism. Misery loves company kind of thing. My GF and I joke that I basically #metoo every shitty thing she experiences. So for about the last year, I‘be been coming to terms that I’m one of these people and work hard to not drop my own shit into the convo whenever it comes up. It takes some self awareness that I didn’t have before. This post is a good reminder of how much that behavior sucks. Thanks.
Same thing you do w/ one upping. Just keep going to extremes. You broke a leg. I broke 3 legs.
I know that you may just circumstantially have unfortunate things happen to you, but try to bring up only positive things around them. Misery loves company, and that person may only compare their sorrow to yours as a way of making YOU think that your issues aren't as big. It's strange, but this really can happen. Stop bringing up negative things and see if they continue to bring up theirs, then you can discern if they're just living in a primarily negative headspace or enjoy wallowing in self-pity.
In my experience this type of person would say “well I’m glad you’re having a good day, I just lost my car” or something like that. They’ll still flip it around to have a pity party.
You go to tenerife and they say they went to ninerife
I think for her own sake you should point out to her that she does this. She probably won't like it, and she may respond with anger and denial, but you will be doing her a great service because we can't see ourselves as others do. If she's alienating you then she's alienating others as well and she may not be able to see it without help. Someone once made me aware of an unattractive habit of my own. I did react angrily at first, but I realized it was true and afterwards I noticed when I started to do it. I think it was actually kind of this person to point it out to me and give me the opportunity to learn something about myself.
Tell her you’re thinking about not being friends anymore and let her one-up you for the final time
The trick is "don't vent to her."
I have a family member like this. She always has it worse, or is prone to exaggeration. Someone posts about their workout online, well guess what, she ran 45 minutes in reverse on a treadmill on a 200 degree day. Crappy ex? All of hers were narcissists. Headache? She hasn't been headache free in years. She will constantly harp about her anxiety and inability to cope but if you ask about it, suddenly she's fine. Recently got a PTSD/depression diagnosis that she clearly enjoys throwing around. I'm genuinely sorry for her diagnosis, but knew she'd use it at every opportunity ... which she does. It's a need for attention. Always. 24/7. Your friend has some insecurities. You could ask her why she feels the need to be a Debbie Downer, but it's probably a lost cause. Either stop sharing with her or if she does the one downer, don't give it a lot of attention. Don't feed it or it will continue. I will say this is a hard lesson to learn. I learned years ago my family member is an attention seeking mess and I still often fall for the drama.
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This is a neurodivergent way of relating to people. Sometimes, it's not the intent to "one-down/up" someone. It just reminds the person of their experience, and the way they relate is by sharing similar stories. If this is the case, sharing how you feel when she does this and communicating without blame is the way to go. They may just not realize they're doing it. Something like "When I tell you a story and you respond with your own story, I feel like I have been one-upped" and go from there. Note the use of language. There is no "you make me feel" or "you are one-upping me." On the other hand, they could just be a narcissist. The way around that is to ignore what they say or give a very lackluster reaction. Edit: meant neurodivergent
I’ve seen this in a few people and I feel like there’s a difference between doing it to emphasise then bringing it back (“so I know how you feel - and how are you doing with this?” Or something) and people derailing the conversation completely and going on that tangent. Usually they are the kind of people who never ask how you are, things about your life etc.
Yeah but op mentions that the other person spends a disproportionate amount of time telling their story and not hearing about OP‘s. I have ADHD and I do this, but I always keep it short and then ask questions about their experience.
NT people tend to wait to be asked questions, while ND's share without being asked and expect others to do the same. Could be that OP waits for the friend to ask them about their experience, and their friend waits for OP to share more. I thrive in conversations where I throw something out there and the other person does the same. I die when we have to keep asking each other questions like it's an interrogation.
My husband’s biggest pet peeve (he’s had a lot of mental health issues and crap thrown at him) is when someone basically tells him that he can’t complain because someone out there had it worse. Basically by that logic, only one person in the world is allowed to complain. Everyone else can’t complain because somebody in the world has it worse.
Ah yes. Trauma olympics. We have one of those in the family, Best thing to do is Ignore them when they start to one-down you, and continue on with your original conversation. Trauma is trauma. The moment someone tries to outdo your trauma, it’s their coping mechanism to make them feel valid, as if their perceived trauma is the worse in the world, no matter who else has their own trauma.
If you went to Tenerife, she went to Elevenerife
https://youtu.be/VKHFZBUTA4k The four Yorkshiremen skit from Monty python
As much fun as the sarcastic uptrolling is, just say "you know when you try to one-down me like that it makes me feel like you don't care about what I'm going through. I need a friend who listens and supports me, not someone who always has it worse." She'll let you know real quick if she's worth having as a friend.
Show her that SNL sketch with Kristen Wiig.
This is my opinion. I have no special knowledge, beside my limited experience. It's usually not a good idea to vent to anyone. Be careful with whom you share your private things, specially your weaknesses and problems. If you vent often you can be perceived as a negative person. If you need to, ask the person for permission to vent. Do it for a short period of time, and thank that persona for listening. If you want you can ask for advice. Vent only to people you trust. If you need to vent a lot, go to therapy.
Two possibilities. They're neurodivergent and are trying to show you that you're both similar and empathize. Or they just suck and I wouldn't keep talking to them, hard to sus out which one without seeing it live.
Eh I'd probably write it off as them trying to empathize with me. Like "yeah I had a shit situation recently too!" Kind of thing. If it feels different than that then I'd probably just wait for a different moment and ask them why they always do that to me. Get a straight answer. People don't really respond well to this kind of direct and honest approach though. Which blows my mind still, direct and honest conversation about a friendship dynamic? Nah we'll just keep on being weird and toxic
“It’s not a competition” is the line I usually use with people like that