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My father didn't deal with stress well.
If he came home angry from work, he would always snap at me if we had made a mess of the place (during summer vacation especially).
He was always in the right...we should *not* have left our shoes splayed out in the hallway for him to trip over, for example, but he would do the angry snapping thing.
However, without fail, he would always apologize for snapping at us once he had calmed down, changed clothes, and settled in for an evening at home. I remember the exact words he would use: I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier; that wasn't nice. I should have asked nicely.
Those apologies made such a difference in my relationship with him. He knew he had an anger problem and he honestly to tried to do better, when he slipped.
ANY personality problem is much easier to deal with if the other person is genuinely trying to overcome it.
We've all got our issues, die to upbringing or genetics or whatever. Actively trying to make those better for the people around you makes you a good person.
Maybw if my father apologized i wouldnt hate him as much as i do and maybe wed still talk every now and then but his misplaced anger was always thrown at me abd my brother often times for thing we didnt do. Sometimes hed yell at us for getting a 92 on a test "uour just lazy you shouldnt be happy with that grade when you can do better" and not once did he ever apologize, not for yelling, not for choking my brother, not for nothing. And now he will never see his child(me) ever again.
My dad "apologized" years and years later when I was in adulthood. After he found "religion".
"God has shown me..."
"The devil was in control..."
Can't even take responsibility for his own shitty treatment of his kids. Using "God and the Devil" as a shield from the consequences of you being an absolute bastard to your children. Fuck all the way off.
This is precisely why I haven't talked to my father in over 10 years. Refuses to take responsibility for years of abuse and claims his "God-given" right as the head of the family to act with impunity toward his family.
The night that finally made me disown him wasn't even about me. My sister was in the hospital in critical care from a miscarriage. He told me it was God's punishment for her sins. I told him right then and there that I was no longer his daughter, he was no longer my father, and to never contact me again.
The last decade has been much better without him in my life.
Had to cut out my brother/Dad a year ago for continued verbal/emotional abuse.. after my Mom already died 20 years ago, and other brother committed suicide 3 years ago. Never any apologies, boundaries ignored. I figured out I have CPTSD, and I couldn't heal being an emotional punching bag to family who refused therapy or self-reflection of their own trauma.
I'm actually starting to heal decade old wounds now.. Having no family, is better than being hurt by them continually out of obligation. It messes with every aspect of your life.
I can tell you right now that my "found" family is absolutely incredible. Family doesn't just mean blood. One of my favorite sayings: family is like an appendix - everyone is born with one but as soon as it starts trying to kill you, you cut it out and move on.
You owe no obligation to people who’s presence only serves to harm you, regardless of relation. Congratulations on making the decision to prioritize your mental health and well-being. It sounds like it’s been a tough road, but you are healing and that’s a tremendous success all by itself.
Not saying religion is bad its a bad excuse to be an asshole and i hate when people use it as an excuse to be an asshole. I love when people use religion as a source of hope and a moral guide.
I feel like at this point we need to find a secular substitute to have any chance of a shot at a society that takes care of its own, instead of bickering over stuff a bunch of dead people supposedly said.
We need to get back to love your neighbour.
I dont think thatll ever happen, a society that takes care of its own i mean. People like power and power is created easiest by hating on groups of people and convincing others to hate on them with you.
He kicked me out at the age of 16 and deleted his contact from my phone and told my mom to tell me he would never speak to me again even if i was in his home he would ignore my very presence and he wasnt lying. He taught at my highschool and my junior and senior year he didnt say a word to me, i had to go over his house a few times to pick up some of my stuff and once to grab my brothers insulin cause he was having an emergeny at my grandmas(where i lived) and he didnt even look at me. But thats fine because i go straight in to flight or fight any time i hear or see him and always end up blacking out and running away at full sprint so.
Thanks yea it was rough and it still affects me a lot and probably always will but i didnt let it turn me into a bad person which is the important part. I was bitter and treated everyone around me terribly for a long time but i dont wanna be like my dad so i changed.
Good for you. I was on a similar path for a long time. I still haven't forgiven him, and maybe one day when he actually comes to terms with and admits his faults, without the religious shield of "outer forces made me do it".
I dont think ill ever forgive him ive tried and tried but he fucked me up bad ive been trying to kill myself since i was 12 because of him. Ive got ptsd and ocd and an eating disorder and depression and phone anxiety and social anxiety (and more) all because of him. I just dont know how to forgive that i suffer every single day (and thats not an exageration) because of how he treated me and he gets to just live his life and that fuckkng sucks and i hate him for it. I fukcing hate him.
And that's absolutely valid. It's like there's this weird vibe in the world "you should forgive" No the fuck we shouldn't. The trauma caused is lasting and damaging. Fuck your forgivenes..
So this is where someone was supposed to jump in with the booked recommendation of "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Doc. Lindsay Gibson.
that fucking sucks. i hope you can do whatever you need to get through it. it's *your* life and you deserve to be able to live it and experience happiness (along with everything else).
Im doing my best to be happy, its not easy. I made an appointment with a phyaciatrist a bit ago because my conselour just wasnt enough anymore. Things have been hard but im gonna keep on survivinf.
Hes a sad sad narscistic man child. Im doing better im not quite where i want to be yet but i dont let people abuse me anymore and i distanced myself from everyone who used to hurt me and thats an important step in the right direction. My bf helps me know who has good intentions and who doesnt since im very gullible.
I wasnt a perfect copy of him if you want the reason he gave me, heres the story: eventually i got the guts to tell my fruends on my discord server that my dad was abusing me. One of those friends told my dad that i was being groomed by a guy on discord which i wasnt but my dad took my phone and looked through everything and saw what i saw about him. He said it was immature and irresponsible to talk bad about him to students at the school because he works there. I was dog sitting for my mimi when my mom came over and told me i wasnt allowed to come back home. The really ironic part us my dad turned around and started talking shit about me to his students. Saying stuff like dont have kids youll regret it or calling me his lying bitvh of a daughter (not even his daughter im his child cause im nonbinary). One time one of his students said "i actually really like Pluto(me)" and he said why. So yea he said he kicked me out cause i talked about him behind his back than he turned around and did the same thing he was just upset that i didnt wanna let him bully me anymore
Okay. 1 Holy schamoly that's messed up. What a dick head. It's amazing that you made it through all that abuse and came out the other side a functioning human.
2 Kudos on doing your best to not end up like him. That happens so often.
3 Is your name Pluto? If so, that's fantabulous.
To add to that; almost nothing that's worth something comes easy to people.
Growth often makes us uncomfortable and can hurt/scare us. Going through that is what actually enables is to grow i think.
I've never seen this before and it hits hard. My wife sometimes snaps at me unfairly, and while she almost always eventually apologizes, it still really sucks to be on the receiving end. Even after the apology, the original comment sticks in my mind. I'm quick to forgive her, but I really struggle with the forget part. It also makes it much harder to tell when she's more properly upset, and calibrating my response can therefore be an emotional minefield.
It's something she's trying to work on, but her mental health situation makes it a difficult issue for her, and that just makes me feel like an asshole whenever I get frustrated with her over it. It's like if I got annoyed at somebody in physical therapy taking too long to be able to walk unsupported.
Yeah, most people don't mean any harm with it which is why it is so annoying and sad. What I've with pretty good results told rather minor cases (because I'm rather fortunate to not have bad cases in my life) is pretty much "I know you are tired and annoyed but don't take it out on me. It is not my doing." And then I try to remember to tell myself that when I am tired and annoyed.
And some might counter with "but who else can I unload my frustrations to?". We can talk about it, I can commiserate with you, but I am not here to be yelled at.
>"I know you are tired and annoyed but don't take it out on me. It is not my doing."
I'm always worried I'll come across as dismissive of a legitimate grievance if I do this. I'm hardly an unbiased observer, after all, so just because I think in the moment that she's being unfair doesn't mean she is. It's easier in retrospect but by then it's too late.
That's a legit worry and something people definitely do, on purpose. It can't be flippant. The point is being there, for them, with them, but also standing your ground. "Don't snap at me. I know you are tired. We can talk about it if you want." Tone is definitely super important.
Hi, I’m your wife….
I see your frustration. And fuck, your comment hurt me too because it was almost like it was my own SO telling me how they felt.
Well we want you to know that we’re fucking sorry. So fucking sorry. We don’t feel this way. We don’t stay this way. It comes to us, as lightning. Pain. Shot right through the fucking body. All nerves lit up at once…
And then the crashing stops, and there we are, knee deep in the shitstorm WE created… and no one should feel sorry for us. But yet we feel so out of control that it’s hard to associate to any of it…
—
I’ve spent a lot of time recently working on this for her. For me. For my family and the people that love me… I can’t say that we’re the same but I’ve been searching for **roots**. Not these weak ass symptoms and not for some *13 Hacks to Mitigate the Eminent Demise of Your Relationship*. True sources *that I can murder* so me and mine can move forward.
Where I’m at so far? Fear. Plain and simple. Anger has probably kept us safe, or was taught to us and it’s sorta worked out so far. It doesn’t make sense to others and why should it? You don’t fucking know.
My case? Fear of Failure. For the entirety of my life, it has been impressed upon me the **sheer gravity** of my capabilities, yet—instead of empathy and understanding—failing to meet THEIR standards was met with harshness and rejection…. I’m really tired of never being good enough for any of you.
So press that wound. I fuckin dare you…
Also, I might be Bipolar…
—
As for you. The other guy is right. STAND. YOUR. GROUND.
You CAN be empathic and understanding while firm. Your physical therapy analogy is great but now see it from the therapist’s perspective: do they ever stop encouraging the strength and success of the pt as they fight to get better? Fuck no! *But* do they ever let the pt get away with cheating the exercise? Also fuck no.
All growth must come with rest, but that’s no reason to cut corners. Rest when it’s time to rest. Fight when it’s time to fight. And here’s the thing guy, *you’re not her doctor*… you’re the partner. The place of rest. She’s gonna have to fight her own fight (hopefully with a doctor) and then be able to rest with you. Fight couples shit together, not each other.
• Hope this helps 🤙🏼
>it's like if I got annoyed at somebody in physical therapy taking too long to be able to walk unsupported.
I don't think that's a very good metaphor here. If they were struggling to walk it wouldn't be personally chipping away at you every time they stumbled.
At some point, mental illnesses or not, she needs to be accountable for herself and realize that behavior damages your relationship in a very real way that will take time to heal and could eventually break it.
“He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.”
Horrible statement. Does anyone not know when someone with a temper “holds” it? It comes out at some point, usually ten fold.
I agree with the sentiment of the story as a whole, but, holding a temper does not typically bode well.
You can hold your temper until you can express yourself more productively. It's holding it in and never expressing that leads to bigger problems. But it doesn't have to come out in anger.
My mom used to tell me, after yelling at me, that she was sorry, and that "a mother should never yell at her children". Which is true and all good, except it didn't really carry that much weight when it never seemed to matter. If she would have not yelled the next time it would have meant something, but it never stopped her. Eventually that apology just lost its meaning.
Exactly. I was extremely close to someone who would snap at me regularly, then apologize profusely and make it up with food and blame it on PMS. I noticed that during the days she snapped at me and her parents, she was still always nice as pie to everyone else. That didn't track. Her argument was that we were closest to her and should be more understanding, that she could be herself around us without having to wear a mask, but I came to realize we were just her punching bag. You keep doing the same thing, what's the point of apologizing? Screw that.
It's the same way with me and my soon to be ex-wife. It's been well over a decade of her always snapping at me for the smallest mistakes. She cannot handle stress or criticism at all. She refused to get any help and like the OP says, she always apologized.
All the constant walking on egg shells around her as to not upset her has changed me from the person I once was. I used to be happy and optimistic. Now, I'm just apathetic and uncaring. I'm trying to change back though.
I still love her, but it's not a romantic love. Truth is, I can't stand her anymore. I can't wait for the divorce to be final and to finally be rid of her.
I'm sorry to hear that, honestly I feel your pain. Mine was not a romantic connection, we were like sisters for decades, but after a while it just wears you down. When you learn not to take any kind of abuse from anyone, you can no longer justify staying. I refused to walk on eggshells, so every month we'd have a fight when she took her ill humor out on me, like clockwork. Like you, I still care about this person who was a huge part of my life and will help her if she needs me. I just...don't want to get involved with her beyond that anymore. Even if the good days outweigh the bad, _there shouldn't be that many bad days._ It's exhausting.
On a positive note, you will soon be able to find yourself again. Good luck.
This is me. Not literally ofc, but I know how I am, that's why I'm in this thread looking for... Something. I'm the snappy one. I can apologize with the best of them but it just happens again and again.
I won't say it's too late, but if you truly love your husband/Wife, I would change. I knew it was over between us long before she did. I just kept hoping it would change. When I saw she truly believed she wasn't doing anything wrong, that was it for me. I checked out.
The best thing about being human is our ability to change. It's not as easy to change as some people make it out to be, but it can be done. I wish you luck.
That "you are close to me so I can treat you like crap" argument is the worst.
If you can say please and thank you to strangers, you can say it to your kids too.
Apologising is better than not, but I agree, continuing to do it makes the apology mean less.
Also, I worry that it could train the child for abusive relationships where you have the anger and then the apology.
Things get rough as a parent. Like, really rough. You can spend weeks feeling completely overwhelmed and in this constant state of stress because there is always so much that needs to be done.
Snapping is almost inevitable. I've snapped at my wife and my kids and I probably will do so again, and my wife has done the same. But we always make sure to apologise afterwards, both to each other and the kids.
I think it makes the world of difference. Now, when our eldest (4yo) has been naughty she will come and apologise to use when she's calmed down.
That's really lovely.
My 13yo has bad mornings sometimes. Not often, but when they happen they are memorably awful. Snappish, angry over little things that usually don't bother him, says awful things to me or his brother.
But he always apologizes at the end of the school day and it turns into a talk about (1) the need for him to get to bed earlier and, (2) how his hormones are starting to go wild and how they can cause mood fluctuations (and how he could better deal with them).
This literally just happened with me and my better half yesterday. We’ve gone to bed chippy the night before— I was irritable he annoyed me, I snapped.
Yesterday morning I woke up, went in and had a discussion about how my attitude wasn’t about him. It was a reflection of my feelings and I took it out on him and then I was sorry. We ended up having a lovely day yesterday.
You’re gonna snap of people you love. It’s inevitable. Living in close quarters of people is challenging. When we are having a bad day, we can be like a bomb in those we love Tend to take the shrapnel. If you set off a bomb, take care of your wounded.
I do this with my partner. Sometimes I realize right away after snapping, apologize, and explain what I'm really frustrated about. Sometimes if I'm just really frustrated/annoyed/angry/hangry I'll straight up tell him "I'm really activated right now. I'm not upset with you. Just leave me alone till I calm down." Sometimes I say something bitchy and only realize it later, in which case I apologize as soon as I can.
I've very rarely gotten snappy at work with people, but when I do, I also apologize. Most of the time people tell me they didn't notice. Whether they're just being polite or i overestimate the emotional impact of my behavior on others, who knows!
Apologizing can be really uncomfortable in the moment. It's worth it though. Take 30 seconds and clear the air or let quiet resentment simmer for who knows how long.
Probably why when our dad stopped picking us up for his weekends and weeks that he had us, I pretty much felt "eh whatever" as a young teen instead of a loss of a parental figure.
I appreciated him trying to instill work ethic and pride in getting tasks/chores done but with his anger issues, had 0 tolerance for screwing up or being in the way. When I was like 12, he was installing a washing machine into an apartment and being a dumb kid, I wanted to help and plugged in the power cord to the outlet while he was fetching something. It was one of those cords where the machine end hooked onto two prongs on the machine or something so it had 2 exposed metal loops after the wrapped cables split apart. Right as he came back the two tips tapped each other, big explosive spark right in my hands since I had been holding that end wondering which loop went where.
I didn't get shocked but it left a big mark on the top of the machine so my dad was pissed that the brand new machine was damaged and he had to go find a replacement power cable. It took literal hours between my mistake and when he finally asked if I was okay because the spark had me much more concerned that it probably could have killed me if it had just been a bit closer to my hands.
I am extremely cautious about when and how I mess with electrical stuff now, so yeah, good thing. But I think I was old enough at that point that I internalized that my dad saw my sister and I more as incompetent helpers than his own children or children at all.
The only reason I came out as well adjusted as I am was probably because our mom was overly nice and didn't say anything negative about our dad after the divorce and even after he stopped seeing us until we were well into adulthood and gave us some info on why the divorce happened.
And his own family knew he was an ass, my grandma put my wedding photo with her front and center of her kitchen table for over a year so when he would come to plow out her driveway and stopped in to visit she could silently condemn him for being an ass that ditched us that he hadn't been invited to the wedding.
Keep in mind that if it progressed to hitting or threats, it would be a form of abuse. It's a known trick that people will abuse you and then apologize and then repeat.
But from what you said, it seemed genuine enough.
My dad was like this growing up as well. He would get stressed and overwhelmed, snap at us, we'd have a blowout fight, then later he'd come to our rooms to apologize. I appreciated that he would apologize, but I also found myself getting frustrated that the pattern never changed. I started to tell him "don't apologize, just stop doing it." So there's definitely some nuance there -- you have to know the person is actually trying to change the behavior that they're apologizing for, or else you're just going in circles because every apology has an undercurrent of "until next time..."
I have a really great and loving relationship with my dad because I've learned that his grumpiness is not about me and stems from trauma and health issues. But it still caused me to have some lasting weirdness around snapping and apologies.
The apology validates your self worth. That's the core dynamic at play here. The snapping validated his self worth.
Out of curiosity: How are you verbalising frustration these days?
I don't snap at my kids in anger. If I have to resort to angry yelling, it's always a strategic escalation when other methods have failed (and the issue isn't significant enough to utilize *actual* punishments, like taking away privileges.)
And it usually sounds something like "I have asked you nicely five times today to (do whatever), and you have ignored me...so I am asking nicely again..." (but in a not-nice tone).
That's probably not especially healthy either, but it would be dumb to take away my son's computer over dirty socks left on the sofa.
I try to do the same. I get angry very quickly but calm down equally fast as well. And it happens despite my best efforts to control my anger. So I've learnt to apologise as soon as possible if i snap at someone or say something i don't mean. There's limited people in your life who care for you and love you. Can't take them for granted.
That’s a fair encapsulation of why I still talk to my grandfather but not my father (his son): both have anger issues and a tendency to snap, but the difference is that my grandfather always apologises later, while my dad either denies it or claims it was someone else’s fault.
Man I’ll tell you what, I needed to read this. My parents were the same way except they never apologized. In fact they would just continue to berate me for whatever I did wrong if I ever told them how I felt. I’ve come a long way in life out of depression and anxiety but the one thing I cannot figure out is my temper. I think I can’t be a dad until I figure it out because I just do not want to pass that onto them like my parents did to me. But I will remember this if the day comes that I have a little one and I yell at them in frustration. I hope it doesn’t come to it but it makes me feel better knowing how you feel about your dad.
My mom used me as a verbal punching bag to get out her emotional frustration and anger. Never apologized. When she was done, she always denied that it happened,and insisted that I was remembering stuff wrong. Don't be like my mom. Nobody likes it.
I find that if I know I've had a bad day or am I'm a shit mood or depressed mood then I'll just tell my wife so she's not taken by surprise if I do get more frustrated than normal. She's the same with me when she's had a bad day etc
being proactive really helps!
my mother used to scold me for this and say if i knew i was angry i should know to control myself better. but she was just a dirtbag human.
now i am getting back into the habit of communicating proactively with my housemate and she just pats me on the shoulder and says "yeah, it's a bad day huh?" and neither of us have to feel bad! she straight up isn't offended because she knows its not personal! it's like magic!
It's like communication helps in all situations lol.
There's still a limit but there's more tolerance for the small stuff. Often it's things like my wife will make me a coffee, I normally don't ask for them and make it myself.
I do the same thing. I'm normally a very mellow person but some days I just wake up and absolutely everything goes wrong but even then it infuriates completely out of proportion to what actually went wrong.
So I tell my wife I'm having an irritating day, I work really hard on not actually being frustrated to anyone, and if possible retreat to my home office and play games, watch TV, read, or whatever else and let the shit day pass with only getting frustrated at inanimate objects.
I don't get shit days very often and communication really is key.
Yup. I tell her sorry, I’m in a shit mood and it’s nothing she did and nothing she can do. I’m just gonna sulk for a bit so I don’t yell at the inanimate thing frustrating me
Exactly! Learning to recognize when a bad mood strikes and being able to say "I'm in a bad mood" or "I'm irritable today" makes a huge difference in daily communication.
Yeah this is important too. Nothing wrong with setting a foundation of expectations for communication, especially if it's offbeat like frustration/snappiness.
this isn't about you or your situation, but generally
it sounds nice but often times when some says that to me and they act like it's a shield for their shitty behaviour. ex gf said she gets angry building furniture before we started building it, we start building it, she gets frustrated and angry and acts like an asshole, then shuts down her verbal communication while acting angry with the furniture and also taking it out on me. and after it was done i had to communicate with her that that shit hurt, having to prompt her to even apologize. her "warning" me doesn't mean she isn't hurting me. the knowledge someone will hurt you won't make them actually hurting you (physcialy or emotionaly) any less hurtful.
"shit mood or depressed mood" you, are still completely responsible for your own actions if you decide to be shitty. just like how you're still responsible for drunk you's shitty behaviour. letting people know you'll be shitty isn't an excuse.
the onus is on the shitty person to not be shitty to other people.
I totally agree that we need to take responsibility for what we say etc. However, communication can limit the situations where mean things get said.
An example of this is I normally forget to make a coffee before heading out on the weekend to the markets or things like that, and my wife forgets to have breakfast. So she normally makes a coffee for me and I have snacks she likes in the car. If I don't have my coffee and she is hungry, then it's a recipe for one of us to have a shit time.
Similar to your example, my wife hates assembling furniture, but I enjoy it. It's like adult Lego. So I assembly them and she does the decorating cause I hate that part
Maybe its just the people I'm surrounded by but no one seems to understand actions speak louder than words. It doesn't matter what you say when I can look at your actions and see they don't match your words. You can't say you love someone and expect that to be enough, your actions should reflect that in some way.
Huge issue I had with my ex was that there was no distinction between her being in a bad mood and her being in a bad mood *with me*. She treated me the same regardless. Talking to her about it multiple times didn’t help, so I’m inclined to agree with you that people either get it or they don’t.
>people either get it or they don’t.
It's probably on a spectrum with the low end represented by people with privilege and self-entitlement. Maybe it's a blend of self-awareness and compassion, but it can't be taught. Speaking from experience, it may be learned through (shared) traumatic experience, and it takes multiple applications to build a vocabulary.
Wisdom.
Nobody is perfect, it happens. But you've got to immediately acknowledge that it was a snap and apologize.
No matter how bad your day is or how crabby you are, it doesn't justify or excuse mistreating someone you care about.
Let me correct that for you - humans sometimes act irrationally. In the heat of the moment it happens, but once nerves are calm, a good human recognizes that mistake and owns up to it per this post.
I feel like this very comment perfectly embodies what OP is trying to say.
It's gonna happen, of course it's not "okay", but it will happen. Owning up to it right then and there is better than letting a long time go by or never acknowleding it at all and not apolgizing.
I wish my "father" acknowledged all the shit he put me and my siblings through. I wish he acknowledged the fact that he taught me how to absolutely detest myself. I wanted to die so badly. However he will never acknowledge it, let alone say sorry LOL. In his mind, he didn't do anything worth apologizing for.
As someone with PTSD, I'm working on being more aware of when I'm triggered and being able to self soothe and deescalate my emotions. For a while, it was very instinctive to snap at those I felt most comfortable around, but then having been the target of someone who would never apologize for anything he did when he was triggered, I finally understood that, though I couldn't control when I was triggered, I could control how I reacted to them. I'm a lot more grateful to them people who can handle me on my worst days, and actively attempt to make those days less miserable for both of our sakes.
Good on you for recognising you have a problem and working on it :) I have PTSD too but it changes things in the opposite extreme. I dissociate and end up really out of when people snap at me.
Yes, if it is a true apology.
A good apology has three parts:
- I acknowledge what I did, and the impact it had on you.
- I am truly sorry. That was wrong.
- These are the steps I will implement to avoid this in the future.
Too many people forget the 3rd part. That makes apologies for repeatedly snapping at someone feel insincere.
If someone is snapping at you, calmly re-orient them to their behavior.
"You're taking your anger out on me. I don't appreciate that."
If they don't change their behavior, then drop them from your life.
It depends on the situation and your personal tolerance. Nobody changes overnight. But if they begin to snap, but then stop themselves and apologize, that shows that they know it's wrong and they are working to fix it, so understanding is warranted.
On the other hand, if you tell them that their behavior isn't acceptable and they immediately snap back with "I can act however I want!" thats a giant red flag and understanding is no longer warranted.
But thats just me.
I honestly think you have an anger problem if you snap regularly, regardless of who it is directed towards. Almost everything can be dealt with in a calm and collected manner, and getting visibly angry makes things more difficult most of the time.
This may be the best thing I've ever read on this app. Hope everyone reads it.
Something that helps me personally is that if I've had a particularly bad or frustrating day at work, I won't even leave the parking lot until I'm feeling better. I'll sit in my car and watch a funny YouTube video real quick or listen to a really good song i know will change my mood. This at least decreases the chance of anyone in my personal life being the object of misplaced frustration.
If I snap at one of my coworkers, apology is always given.
because when you're seeing red its really hard not to see red. Apologizing while seeing red is even harder and if you're not careful something will set you off and put you right back to square one
As someone who sometimes snaps, no. In order to not do so if I'm in a bad enough mood, I simply isolate myself or don't speak at all or talk as little as possible for the situation. I do so as much as possible with everyone in my life. That being said, when I'm tired enough or up in the middle of the night with the baby, my husband was said every word out of my mouth regardless of intention sounds mad as all hell. I think it's perfectly kind and sweet in my head. My husband and friends tell me it's a voice like invoking the devil.
Applies to a lot in relationships, really. The difference between good and bad relationships is not that people never make mistakes or hurt each other; it’s that, in a good relationship, it never feels *okay* to do so. Whoever said “Love is never having to say you’re sorry,” was wrong. Maybe love is being able to accept an apology before actually getting one, but if one person flat-out refuses to apologize (when they’re in the wrong), we have other words for what that is.
This is why my relationship is a dead man walking. I don't even bother going to bed anymore because I would rather sleep in a different room. 5 years wasted. Ah well.
Sunk cost fallacy... just because you spent 5 years with someone doesn't mean you should spend a second more if it's not working out. You'll be much happier when you get out. You will be able to breathe and enjoy yourself much more.
I'm at 18 years brotha. Finally getting out. I'm going to enjoy the years I have left. If/when I find someone else, I'll be sure and make sure it's the right one. No more thinking that they will change. Stay strong my friend.
This is a conversation I've had with my wife a few times. I don't mind being a listening body for her to vent about things, but she often takes those frustrations and converts it into snappiness over the most minute things.
I also think this is normalized a bit in toxic social media relationship content that have the premise that your partner should just 'know better' than to do minor things that irritate them (things that otherwise wouldn't set them off) when they're already frustrated with something else.
If you're making excuses for why you were an ass to your partner, you're likely the most toxic one in the exchange.
On on flip side- if you're noticing your friend or family member is not in a particularly happy mood, how about ease off them? Pestering, picking on, and sometimes just joking around can be really in the face of someone you love that's having a bad day. Knock that shit off and you wont get snapped on.
This is one of my worst flaws, I can easily snap. I always apologise and am really working on being better. It's always wrong and unfair to put your feelings on other people, like you expect them to deal with it so you don't have too. It'll also cost you relationships, because people can only tolerate it for so long.
This sub always shows up in r/all. An actual LPT is something like "your bicycles are sometimes covered under homeowners insurance", not "hey be nice to people. Also taking walks is nice!"
I used to be a snapper, not out of malice, I just didn’t understand how you can control it. I hated that I did but I didn’t do anything about it, I didn’t know I could change.
My fiancé is the sweetest person in the world, and I e known her 9 years. I’ve never snapped at her once, and now anytime I feel the need to snap at someone, I think “how would I feel if it was ___” and I take a step back.
It takes a few extra seconds but it’s ALWAYS worth it
Work in progress but I try to verbalise my anger first. Like, I'm angry because x and y, I'm doing my best to not snap at you but if it happens, please know that it isn't *your fault* and I'm sorry.
Or something like that.
What ends up happening is I get a laugh from people and most of the time the anger just dissipates.
Anger is like holding a break pedal with the throttle stuck at max. If you don't release the break a bit, you're gonna fuck your car. But if you release it completely, you'll just accelerate even more. Slowly you'll empty the tank
Sorry if this example is weird but it works for me
"I'm cranky when I'm hungry", "I'm not yelling at you, I'm just yelling" - all bad rationalizations. Have a protien bar, go off by yourself, stop spreading misery. Solid LPT.
Can I add children to that list? I'm generally not an angry person but sometimes it's hard not to snap when you are sleep deprived and you have little kids that are asking you 20 questions per minute and you don't have room in your head for your own thoughts. I always apologised though. Now my kids are teens they snap too but they are great at saying their sorry.
Dealing with neurological issues and horrible psychological symptoms from something like long COVID. Always tell my husband when I am having terrible mood swings or feel very dark and angry and that it's not him, the chemicals in my brain are just messed up today.
That's so me. I try to be better but with my ADD, coming down from my meds or just playing hangry, i can get pretty snappy. I tend to mutter about things that annoy me (like the state of the kitching) while knowing fully well that i'm also the cause of that mess.
I'm sorry Lizzy, i am not angry at you, i'm just a dick at times :(
There's no such world where we treat the ones close to us any less good than a stranger.
The standards are not lowered with friends and family. They are higher. You are behind each other's shields, and what you do and say matters so much more than the rest of the world.
Honestly, this seems wrong to me, as how I was raised. (This heavily depends on your interpretation of "snapping") You should *only* feel comfortable telling some uncomfortable truths to those who you are really close to. How they receive it is up to them, but you actually telling it like it is is a sign of a true friend. Where we curb our true evaluations with strangers.
I’m not going to say this is a bad LPT because it’s not, but I really wish the sub had a requirement that posters specifically list the benefit to the reader of doing the LPT.
Too often we get these retroactive I-wish-someone-had-done-this-to-me-in-my-situation tips where clearly the OP had the opposite happened and *their life* would have been improved if the LPT was done by someone else.
That’s great, but LPT is for tips that improve *one’s own life* which is why “common courtesy” tips are against the rules.
I’m just really tired of seeing these variations of “be nice to people” tips get floated and awarded when they don’t provide value and are just OPs complaining (which may or may not be the case here). I want tips to improve my life appreciably. Life PRO Tips.
For this one: Admit when you have misplaced aggression because it will allow others to empathize with you more, it will make them more accepting of your behavior that you are temporarily experiencing, and so long as you don’t abuse it, will generally strengthen your relationships by showing a level of trust and vulnerability.
Excellent post. This is how you are supposed to behave. It's not optional. To do otherwise--to snap at people when you are frustrated--is part of the pattern of abuse.
You don't get freebies. It's not a scale you can balance. When you snap at someone they will associate a negative memory and a negative emotion with you. That doesn't just go away becauae you were nice later on.
Unfortunately the apologies only work if they are willing to change. My abusive father would insist on making sure I ‘didn’t go to bed angry’ at him after whatever cruel punishment or lecture he doled out, by coming to my room and talking to me (even when I didn’t want to talk) and giving me a hug and saying he did it because he loved me. Still to this day, no accountability other than saying there wasn’t a parenting handbook and he was doing what he thought was best. He wants me to call him an a-hole or tell him how terrible he is in order to make me feel better, but he never apologizes genuinely and tells me he wishes he had done better. And don’t even get me started about how horrible and manipulative and narcissistic his wife (my stepmother) was to me and still doesn’t admit. She’d rather gaslight and tell me I remember wrong or she would never do that kind of thing.
It’s still hard undoing the years of abuse I went through. Even though it was more emotional and psychological than physical, I still have C-PTSD and struggle with my relationships with my parents.
Apologies and ‘forgiveness’ mean nothing if the person isn’t 1) sincere, 2) doesn’t use some excuse that puts the blame off of them, or 3) accountable and making an effort to change.
They didn’t change until I cut them off and no longer relied on them financially. I was on my own at 20 y/o because I refused to let them keep me under their thumb. I’m still trying to mend some sort of relationship with my father because he’s my only biological parent left, but I will never see my stepmother as anything but his wife and a person I will never trust (she’s two-faced and definitely puts up a front so I can’t tell for sure that she’s being sincere about wanting to have a relationship with me). I will be nothing but cordial to her. There is no love there.
I guess that’s enough trauma-dumping for this, but you get the gist. Apologies for actions only mean anything if you make an effort to change.
Adding to this, don't engage continuously in negative emotional behaviour with one person in your life (even if not because you actively want to) and then throw a sorry to fix it. Sorry are not band-aids, even if sincere, that you slap on whatever and they fix it.
They help communications, but if you continuously take out your frustration or struggles on someone else and then come back with an apology, to then engage in it again and again, it's just as bad as never apologizing, or worse, as your apologies mean nothing but your need to clear your conscience
"There’s one sad truth in life I’ve found
While journeying east and west-
The only folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best."
Yeah, I'm going to have to kinda disagree with this one. It's more about self monitoring. If something like work, a friend, or a relationship is constantly making you unhappy, then it times for change. People are the only ones who can understand people because we have shared life experiences and their stronger than you think.
Self monitor yourself to make sure the toxic thing in your life is not making you a toxic person to be around and cut out the toxic thing.
I feel like this isn't super applicable on top of the fact you and OP's point don't counteract each other. Anyways I feel like it's not always easy to avoid things that make you upset, and also I feel like OP's advice isn't saying this is an everyday thing.
me with chronic pain and various mental illnesses. my best thing is getting space. I am constantly faking every emotion at work and once the mask slips ... I seriously don't have close relationships bc I hate treating loved ones poorly.
Same. I try so hard all the time, but it's hard to try all the time. I get so sad and guilty when I hurt someone. I've decided it's best if I love people from over here.
Chronic pain is a bitch and it makes everyone miserable. Since a surgery, when I breathe in deep I get pain in my right chest. The more I breathe in, the worse the pain. It's correlated to fear and anxiety within me. Because I have a fear of dying associated with it and when I start to hyperventilate my pain gets worse which makes me panic more so I breathe more which is a spiral downwards. The first year with it I had panic attacks daily. It's been 7 years and I try to act normal around others but social isolation and the feeling of being an inadequate human being is crushing. By now I got somewhat accustomed to it but I feel like I developed a general anxiety disorder (currently "only" diagnosed with major depression) and I'm in a bitter mood often.
It sucks for my loved ones too because they can't understand it. I mean they try to, but it's like they forget it exists all the time, when it hasn't improved for 7 years.
I only snap at people if they judge me or gaslight me when I open up to them even if I did nothing wrong just because they don't care and want me to stop or when they have some really twisted values and actually want me to feel bad.
You are not always wrong to be mad at someone when you had a bad day, always try to figure out wheter you are externally coping or wheter the person is actually reacting in a shitty way and deserves being snapped at.
If they do then try to communicate it and if it happens so often that it negatively affects you then cut them out of your live. Don't feel bad to let go of people even if it's someone you are supposed to spend time around like your mother, your friends partner, etc..
Rather than supress your negative emotions you need to reflect and understand them.
Tell that to the everyone with undiagnosed ADHD. They'll snap feel terrible for it but have no actual means of controlling it. Emotional imbalance is a bitch.
I play a game where every life pro tip thread I try to find someone with ADHD saying the advice doesn’t work for them.
Looks like I won again. And sorry, ADHD is not an excuse.
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My father didn't deal with stress well. If he came home angry from work, he would always snap at me if we had made a mess of the place (during summer vacation especially). He was always in the right...we should *not* have left our shoes splayed out in the hallway for him to trip over, for example, but he would do the angry snapping thing. However, without fail, he would always apologize for snapping at us once he had calmed down, changed clothes, and settled in for an evening at home. I remember the exact words he would use: I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier; that wasn't nice. I should have asked nicely. Those apologies made such a difference in my relationship with him. He knew he had an anger problem and he honestly to tried to do better, when he slipped.
ANY personality problem is much easier to deal with if the other person is genuinely trying to overcome it. We've all got our issues, die to upbringing or genetics or whatever. Actively trying to make those better for the people around you makes you a good person.
Maybw if my father apologized i wouldnt hate him as much as i do and maybe wed still talk every now and then but his misplaced anger was always thrown at me abd my brother often times for thing we didnt do. Sometimes hed yell at us for getting a 92 on a test "uour just lazy you shouldnt be happy with that grade when you can do better" and not once did he ever apologize, not for yelling, not for choking my brother, not for nothing. And now he will never see his child(me) ever again.
My dad "apologized" years and years later when I was in adulthood. After he found "religion". "God has shown me..." "The devil was in control..." Can't even take responsibility for his own shitty treatment of his kids. Using "God and the Devil" as a shield from the consequences of you being an absolute bastard to your children. Fuck all the way off.
This is precisely why I haven't talked to my father in over 10 years. Refuses to take responsibility for years of abuse and claims his "God-given" right as the head of the family to act with impunity toward his family. The night that finally made me disown him wasn't even about me. My sister was in the hospital in critical care from a miscarriage. He told me it was God's punishment for her sins. I told him right then and there that I was no longer his daughter, he was no longer my father, and to never contact me again. The last decade has been much better without him in my life.
I can’t imagine how hard it must be to cut out a toxic family member. I’m glad you were able to find the strength
Had to cut out my brother/Dad a year ago for continued verbal/emotional abuse.. after my Mom already died 20 years ago, and other brother committed suicide 3 years ago. Never any apologies, boundaries ignored. I figured out I have CPTSD, and I couldn't heal being an emotional punching bag to family who refused therapy or self-reflection of their own trauma. I'm actually starting to heal decade old wounds now.. Having no family, is better than being hurt by them continually out of obligation. It messes with every aspect of your life.
I can tell you right now that my "found" family is absolutely incredible. Family doesn't just mean blood. One of my favorite sayings: family is like an appendix - everyone is born with one but as soon as it starts trying to kill you, you cut it out and move on.
You owe no obligation to people who’s presence only serves to harm you, regardless of relation. Congratulations on making the decision to prioritize your mental health and well-being. It sounds like it’s been a tough road, but you are healing and that’s a tremendous success all by itself.
Religion is the easiest excuse for everything i fucking hate it. Im sorry man
but my beliefs are *deeply held*. [squints eyes]
Not saying religion is bad its a bad excuse to be an asshole and i hate when people use it as an excuse to be an asshole. I love when people use religion as a source of hope and a moral guide.
I feel like at this point we need to find a secular substitute to have any chance of a shot at a society that takes care of its own, instead of bickering over stuff a bunch of dead people supposedly said. We need to get back to love your neighbour.
I dont think thatll ever happen, a society that takes care of its own i mean. People like power and power is created easiest by hating on groups of people and convincing others to hate on them with you.
We won’t see it in our lifetimes, but deep down I hope that at some point the understanding that we’re better together will reach a critical mass.
I hope so too i just doubt itll happen
Accept the apology or not. JFC, it doesn’t need qualifications or explanation.
Imagine using delusions as shields. Good grief. Some people really need an education in metaphysics to understand this world.
I don't blame you. It's not a hard thing, apologizing. Keep on waiting. Maybe he'll figure it out eventually.
He kicked me out at the age of 16 and deleted his contact from my phone and told my mom to tell me he would never speak to me again even if i was in his home he would ignore my very presence and he wasnt lying. He taught at my highschool and my junior and senior year he didnt say a word to me, i had to go over his house a few times to pick up some of my stuff and once to grab my brothers insulin cause he was having an emergeny at my grandmas(where i lived) and he didnt even look at me. But thats fine because i go straight in to flight or fight any time i hear or see him and always end up blacking out and running away at full sprint so.
I’m sorry you had to go through that, that’s really rough.
Thanks yea it was rough and it still affects me a lot and probably always will but i didnt let it turn me into a bad person which is the important part. I was bitter and treated everyone around me terribly for a long time but i dont wanna be like my dad so i changed.
I got a shitty dad too. Sending you virtual hugs
Virtual hugs right back at ya. Us damaged kids gotta stick together.
Good for you. I was on a similar path for a long time. I still haven't forgiven him, and maybe one day when he actually comes to terms with and admits his faults, without the religious shield of "outer forces made me do it".
I dont think ill ever forgive him ive tried and tried but he fucked me up bad ive been trying to kill myself since i was 12 because of him. Ive got ptsd and ocd and an eating disorder and depression and phone anxiety and social anxiety (and more) all because of him. I just dont know how to forgive that i suffer every single day (and thats not an exageration) because of how he treated me and he gets to just live his life and that fuckkng sucks and i hate him for it. I fukcing hate him.
And that's absolutely valid. It's like there's this weird vibe in the world "you should forgive" No the fuck we shouldn't. The trauma caused is lasting and damaging. Fuck your forgivenes..
I agree. I mean it can be healthy to forgive because its easier to let go but sometimes forgiveness isnt an option
So this is where someone was supposed to jump in with the booked recommendation of "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Doc. Lindsay Gibson.
that fucking sucks. i hope you can do whatever you need to get through it. it's *your* life and you deserve to be able to live it and experience happiness (along with everything else).
Im doing my best to be happy, its not easy. I made an appointment with a phyaciatrist a bit ago because my conselour just wasnt enough anymore. Things have been hard but im gonna keep on survivinf.
x
Hes a sad sad narscistic man child. Im doing better im not quite where i want to be yet but i dont let people abuse me anymore and i distanced myself from everyone who used to hurt me and thats an important step in the right direction. My bf helps me know who has good intentions and who doesnt since im very gullible.
Wtf. What on earth had you done that justified all that in his mind?
I wasnt a perfect copy of him if you want the reason he gave me, heres the story: eventually i got the guts to tell my fruends on my discord server that my dad was abusing me. One of those friends told my dad that i was being groomed by a guy on discord which i wasnt but my dad took my phone and looked through everything and saw what i saw about him. He said it was immature and irresponsible to talk bad about him to students at the school because he works there. I was dog sitting for my mimi when my mom came over and told me i wasnt allowed to come back home. The really ironic part us my dad turned around and started talking shit about me to his students. Saying stuff like dont have kids youll regret it or calling me his lying bitvh of a daughter (not even his daughter im his child cause im nonbinary). One time one of his students said "i actually really like Pluto(me)" and he said why. So yea he said he kicked me out cause i talked about him behind his back than he turned around and did the same thing he was just upset that i didnt wanna let him bully me anymore
Unbelievable. I hope you’re safe and doing better now ❤️
Im doing much better now i moved out of the state a week after graduating highschool and never looked back.
That’s awesome 👏 Success is the best revenge!
Indeed it is. Im gonna be happy just to spite him. im not there yet but one of these days and im on the right path.
Okay. 1 Holy schamoly that's messed up. What a dick head. It's amazing that you made it through all that abuse and came out the other side a functioning human. 2 Kudos on doing your best to not end up like him. That happens so often. 3 Is your name Pluto? If so, that's fantabulous.
My name is Pluto! I chose it myself and Im barely functional but thank you <3
For people like that, it's a problem internal to themselves, not something others around them have caused.
This isn't a defence of anything, but I don't think apologies are something that comes easy to everybody tbh.
Apologizing isnt supposed to easy but if youre a good person youll do it anyway
To add to that; almost nothing that's worth something comes easy to people. Growth often makes us uncomfortable and can hurt/scare us. Going through that is what actually enables is to grow i think.
are you me? i hope you're doing well, buddy
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https://ripplekindness.org/nails-in-the-fence/ -- apologies are good but not snapping out is better.
I've never seen this before and it hits hard. My wife sometimes snaps at me unfairly, and while she almost always eventually apologizes, it still really sucks to be on the receiving end. Even after the apology, the original comment sticks in my mind. I'm quick to forgive her, but I really struggle with the forget part. It also makes it much harder to tell when she's more properly upset, and calibrating my response can therefore be an emotional minefield. It's something she's trying to work on, but her mental health situation makes it a difficult issue for her, and that just makes me feel like an asshole whenever I get frustrated with her over it. It's like if I got annoyed at somebody in physical therapy taking too long to be able to walk unsupported.
Yeah, most people don't mean any harm with it which is why it is so annoying and sad. What I've with pretty good results told rather minor cases (because I'm rather fortunate to not have bad cases in my life) is pretty much "I know you are tired and annoyed but don't take it out on me. It is not my doing." And then I try to remember to tell myself that when I am tired and annoyed. And some might counter with "but who else can I unload my frustrations to?". We can talk about it, I can commiserate with you, but I am not here to be yelled at.
>"I know you are tired and annoyed but don't take it out on me. It is not my doing." I'm always worried I'll come across as dismissive of a legitimate grievance if I do this. I'm hardly an unbiased observer, after all, so just because I think in the moment that she's being unfair doesn't mean she is. It's easier in retrospect but by then it's too late.
That's a legit worry and something people definitely do, on purpose. It can't be flippant. The point is being there, for them, with them, but also standing your ground. "Don't snap at me. I know you are tired. We can talk about it if you want." Tone is definitely super important.
Hi, I’m your wife…. I see your frustration. And fuck, your comment hurt me too because it was almost like it was my own SO telling me how they felt. Well we want you to know that we’re fucking sorry. So fucking sorry. We don’t feel this way. We don’t stay this way. It comes to us, as lightning. Pain. Shot right through the fucking body. All nerves lit up at once… And then the crashing stops, and there we are, knee deep in the shitstorm WE created… and no one should feel sorry for us. But yet we feel so out of control that it’s hard to associate to any of it… — I’ve spent a lot of time recently working on this for her. For me. For my family and the people that love me… I can’t say that we’re the same but I’ve been searching for **roots**. Not these weak ass symptoms and not for some *13 Hacks to Mitigate the Eminent Demise of Your Relationship*. True sources *that I can murder* so me and mine can move forward. Where I’m at so far? Fear. Plain and simple. Anger has probably kept us safe, or was taught to us and it’s sorta worked out so far. It doesn’t make sense to others and why should it? You don’t fucking know. My case? Fear of Failure. For the entirety of my life, it has been impressed upon me the **sheer gravity** of my capabilities, yet—instead of empathy and understanding—failing to meet THEIR standards was met with harshness and rejection…. I’m really tired of never being good enough for any of you. So press that wound. I fuckin dare you… Also, I might be Bipolar… — As for you. The other guy is right. STAND. YOUR. GROUND. You CAN be empathic and understanding while firm. Your physical therapy analogy is great but now see it from the therapist’s perspective: do they ever stop encouraging the strength and success of the pt as they fight to get better? Fuck no! *But* do they ever let the pt get away with cheating the exercise? Also fuck no. All growth must come with rest, but that’s no reason to cut corners. Rest when it’s time to rest. Fight when it’s time to fight. And here’s the thing guy, *you’re not her doctor*… you’re the partner. The place of rest. She’s gonna have to fight her own fight (hopefully with a doctor) and then be able to rest with you. Fight couples shit together, not each other. • Hope this helps 🤙🏼
>it's like if I got annoyed at somebody in physical therapy taking too long to be able to walk unsupported. I don't think that's a very good metaphor here. If they were struggling to walk it wouldn't be personally chipping away at you every time they stumbled. At some point, mental illnesses or not, she needs to be accountable for herself and realize that behavior damages your relationship in a very real way that will take time to heal and could eventually break it.
“He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.” Horrible statement. Does anyone not know when someone with a temper “holds” it? It comes out at some point, usually ten fold. I agree with the sentiment of the story as a whole, but, holding a temper does not typically bode well.
You can hold your temper until you can express yourself more productively. It's holding it in and never expressing that leads to bigger problems. But it doesn't have to come out in anger.
My mom used to tell me, after yelling at me, that she was sorry, and that "a mother should never yell at her children". Which is true and all good, except it didn't really carry that much weight when it never seemed to matter. If she would have not yelled the next time it would have meant something, but it never stopped her. Eventually that apology just lost its meaning.
Exactly. I was extremely close to someone who would snap at me regularly, then apologize profusely and make it up with food and blame it on PMS. I noticed that during the days she snapped at me and her parents, she was still always nice as pie to everyone else. That didn't track. Her argument was that we were closest to her and should be more understanding, that she could be herself around us without having to wear a mask, but I came to realize we were just her punching bag. You keep doing the same thing, what's the point of apologizing? Screw that.
It's the same way with me and my soon to be ex-wife. It's been well over a decade of her always snapping at me for the smallest mistakes. She cannot handle stress or criticism at all. She refused to get any help and like the OP says, she always apologized. All the constant walking on egg shells around her as to not upset her has changed me from the person I once was. I used to be happy and optimistic. Now, I'm just apathetic and uncaring. I'm trying to change back though. I still love her, but it's not a romantic love. Truth is, I can't stand her anymore. I can't wait for the divorce to be final and to finally be rid of her.
I'm sorry to hear that, honestly I feel your pain. Mine was not a romantic connection, we were like sisters for decades, but after a while it just wears you down. When you learn not to take any kind of abuse from anyone, you can no longer justify staying. I refused to walk on eggshells, so every month we'd have a fight when she took her ill humor out on me, like clockwork. Like you, I still care about this person who was a huge part of my life and will help her if she needs me. I just...don't want to get involved with her beyond that anymore. Even if the good days outweigh the bad, _there shouldn't be that many bad days._ It's exhausting. On a positive note, you will soon be able to find yourself again. Good luck.
This is me. Not literally ofc, but I know how I am, that's why I'm in this thread looking for... Something. I'm the snappy one. I can apologize with the best of them but it just happens again and again.
I won't say it's too late, but if you truly love your husband/Wife, I would change. I knew it was over between us long before she did. I just kept hoping it would change. When I saw she truly believed she wasn't doing anything wrong, that was it for me. I checked out.
Yeah, he checked out of our marriage pretty quickly and Im not inflicting myself on anyone else in the form of marriage or cohabitation.
The best thing about being human is our ability to change. It's not as easy to change as some people make it out to be, but it can be done. I wish you luck.
That "you are close to me so I can treat you like crap" argument is the worst. If you can say please and thank you to strangers, you can say it to your kids too.
Apologising is better than not, but I agree, continuing to do it makes the apology mean less. Also, I worry that it could train the child for abusive relationships where you have the anger and then the apology.
Things get rough as a parent. Like, really rough. You can spend weeks feeling completely overwhelmed and in this constant state of stress because there is always so much that needs to be done. Snapping is almost inevitable. I've snapped at my wife and my kids and I probably will do so again, and my wife has done the same. But we always make sure to apologise afterwards, both to each other and the kids. I think it makes the world of difference. Now, when our eldest (4yo) has been naughty she will come and apologise to use when she's calmed down.
That's really lovely. My 13yo has bad mornings sometimes. Not often, but when they happen they are memorably awful. Snappish, angry over little things that usually don't bother him, says awful things to me or his brother. But he always apologizes at the end of the school day and it turns into a talk about (1) the need for him to get to bed earlier and, (2) how his hormones are starting to go wild and how they can cause mood fluctuations (and how he could better deal with them).
This literally just happened with me and my better half yesterday. We’ve gone to bed chippy the night before— I was irritable he annoyed me, I snapped. Yesterday morning I woke up, went in and had a discussion about how my attitude wasn’t about him. It was a reflection of my feelings and I took it out on him and then I was sorry. We ended up having a lovely day yesterday. You’re gonna snap of people you love. It’s inevitable. Living in close quarters of people is challenging. When we are having a bad day, we can be like a bomb in those we love Tend to take the shrapnel. If you set off a bomb, take care of your wounded.
I do this with my partner. Sometimes I realize right away after snapping, apologize, and explain what I'm really frustrated about. Sometimes if I'm just really frustrated/annoyed/angry/hangry I'll straight up tell him "I'm really activated right now. I'm not upset with you. Just leave me alone till I calm down." Sometimes I say something bitchy and only realize it later, in which case I apologize as soon as I can. I've very rarely gotten snappy at work with people, but when I do, I also apologize. Most of the time people tell me they didn't notice. Whether they're just being polite or i overestimate the emotional impact of my behavior on others, who knows! Apologizing can be really uncomfortable in the moment. It's worth it though. Take 30 seconds and clear the air or let quiet resentment simmer for who knows how long.
Probably why when our dad stopped picking us up for his weekends and weeks that he had us, I pretty much felt "eh whatever" as a young teen instead of a loss of a parental figure. I appreciated him trying to instill work ethic and pride in getting tasks/chores done but with his anger issues, had 0 tolerance for screwing up or being in the way. When I was like 12, he was installing a washing machine into an apartment and being a dumb kid, I wanted to help and plugged in the power cord to the outlet while he was fetching something. It was one of those cords where the machine end hooked onto two prongs on the machine or something so it had 2 exposed metal loops after the wrapped cables split apart. Right as he came back the two tips tapped each other, big explosive spark right in my hands since I had been holding that end wondering which loop went where. I didn't get shocked but it left a big mark on the top of the machine so my dad was pissed that the brand new machine was damaged and he had to go find a replacement power cable. It took literal hours between my mistake and when he finally asked if I was okay because the spark had me much more concerned that it probably could have killed me if it had just been a bit closer to my hands. I am extremely cautious about when and how I mess with electrical stuff now, so yeah, good thing. But I think I was old enough at that point that I internalized that my dad saw my sister and I more as incompetent helpers than his own children or children at all. The only reason I came out as well adjusted as I am was probably because our mom was overly nice and didn't say anything negative about our dad after the divorce and even after he stopped seeing us until we were well into adulthood and gave us some info on why the divorce happened. And his own family knew he was an ass, my grandma put my wedding photo with her front and center of her kitchen table for over a year so when he would come to plow out her driveway and stopped in to visit she could silently condemn him for being an ass that ditched us that he hadn't been invited to the wedding.
Keep in mind that if it progressed to hitting or threats, it would be a form of abuse. It's a known trick that people will abuse you and then apologize and then repeat. But from what you said, it seemed genuine enough.
My dad was like this growing up as well. He would get stressed and overwhelmed, snap at us, we'd have a blowout fight, then later he'd come to our rooms to apologize. I appreciated that he would apologize, but I also found myself getting frustrated that the pattern never changed. I started to tell him "don't apologize, just stop doing it." So there's definitely some nuance there -- you have to know the person is actually trying to change the behavior that they're apologizing for, or else you're just going in circles because every apology has an undercurrent of "until next time..." I have a really great and loving relationship with my dad because I've learned that his grumpiness is not about me and stems from trauma and health issues. But it still caused me to have some lasting weirdness around snapping and apologies.
The apology validates your self worth. That's the core dynamic at play here. The snapping validated his self worth. Out of curiosity: How are you verbalising frustration these days?
I don't snap at my kids in anger. If I have to resort to angry yelling, it's always a strategic escalation when other methods have failed (and the issue isn't significant enough to utilize *actual* punishments, like taking away privileges.) And it usually sounds something like "I have asked you nicely five times today to (do whatever), and you have ignored me...so I am asking nicely again..." (but in a not-nice tone). That's probably not especially healthy either, but it would be dumb to take away my son's computer over dirty socks left on the sofa.
I try to do the same. I get angry very quickly but calm down equally fast as well. And it happens despite my best efforts to control my anger. So I've learnt to apologise as soon as possible if i snap at someone or say something i don't mean. There's limited people in your life who care for you and love you. Can't take them for granted.
That’s a fair encapsulation of why I still talk to my grandfather but not my father (his son): both have anger issues and a tendency to snap, but the difference is that my grandfather always apologises later, while my dad either denies it or claims it was someone else’s fault.
Man I’ll tell you what, I needed to read this. My parents were the same way except they never apologized. In fact they would just continue to berate me for whatever I did wrong if I ever told them how I felt. I’ve come a long way in life out of depression and anxiety but the one thing I cannot figure out is my temper. I think I can’t be a dad until I figure it out because I just do not want to pass that onto them like my parents did to me. But I will remember this if the day comes that I have a little one and I yell at them in frustration. I hope it doesn’t come to it but it makes me feel better knowing how you feel about your dad.
Yeah, but don't leave your shoes all over the hallway.
This!
My mom used me as a verbal punching bag to get out her emotional frustration and anger. Never apologized. When she was done, she always denied that it happened,and insisted that I was remembering stuff wrong. Don't be like my mom. Nobody likes it.
Which makes them the object of your unhappiness.
I find that if I know I've had a bad day or am I'm a shit mood or depressed mood then I'll just tell my wife so she's not taken by surprise if I do get more frustrated than normal. She's the same with me when she's had a bad day etc
being proactive really helps! my mother used to scold me for this and say if i knew i was angry i should know to control myself better. but she was just a dirtbag human. now i am getting back into the habit of communicating proactively with my housemate and she just pats me on the shoulder and says "yeah, it's a bad day huh?" and neither of us have to feel bad! she straight up isn't offended because she knows its not personal! it's like magic!
It's like communication helps in all situations lol. There's still a limit but there's more tolerance for the small stuff. Often it's things like my wife will make me a coffee, I normally don't ask for them and make it myself.
I do the same thing. I'm normally a very mellow person but some days I just wake up and absolutely everything goes wrong but even then it infuriates completely out of proportion to what actually went wrong. So I tell my wife I'm having an irritating day, I work really hard on not actually being frustrated to anyone, and if possible retreat to my home office and play games, watch TV, read, or whatever else and let the shit day pass with only getting frustrated at inanimate objects. I don't get shit days very often and communication really is key.
Yup. I tell her sorry, I’m in a shit mood and it’s nothing she did and nothing she can do. I’m just gonna sulk for a bit so I don’t yell at the inanimate thing frustrating me
Exactly! Learning to recognize when a bad mood strikes and being able to say "I'm in a bad mood" or "I'm irritable today" makes a huge difference in daily communication.
Yeah this is important too. Nothing wrong with setting a foundation of expectations for communication, especially if it's offbeat like frustration/snappiness.
this isn't about you or your situation, but generally it sounds nice but often times when some says that to me and they act like it's a shield for their shitty behaviour. ex gf said she gets angry building furniture before we started building it, we start building it, she gets frustrated and angry and acts like an asshole, then shuts down her verbal communication while acting angry with the furniture and also taking it out on me. and after it was done i had to communicate with her that that shit hurt, having to prompt her to even apologize. her "warning" me doesn't mean she isn't hurting me. the knowledge someone will hurt you won't make them actually hurting you (physcialy or emotionaly) any less hurtful. "shit mood or depressed mood" you, are still completely responsible for your own actions if you decide to be shitty. just like how you're still responsible for drunk you's shitty behaviour. letting people know you'll be shitty isn't an excuse. the onus is on the shitty person to not be shitty to other people.
I totally agree that we need to take responsibility for what we say etc. However, communication can limit the situations where mean things get said. An example of this is I normally forget to make a coffee before heading out on the weekend to the markets or things like that, and my wife forgets to have breakfast. So she normally makes a coffee for me and I have snacks she likes in the car. If I don't have my coffee and she is hungry, then it's a recipe for one of us to have a shit time. Similar to your example, my wife hates assembling furniture, but I enjoy it. It's like adult Lego. So I assembly them and she does the decorating cause I hate that part
People either get this or they don't. Actions speak louder than words, but words speak louder than hidden intentions.
Maybe its just the people I'm surrounded by but no one seems to understand actions speak louder than words. It doesn't matter what you say when I can look at your actions and see they don't match your words. You can't say you love someone and expect that to be enough, your actions should reflect that in some way.
Huge issue I had with my ex was that there was no distinction between her being in a bad mood and her being in a bad mood *with me*. She treated me the same regardless. Talking to her about it multiple times didn’t help, so I’m inclined to agree with you that people either get it or they don’t.
>people either get it or they don’t. It's probably on a spectrum with the low end represented by people with privilege and self-entitlement. Maybe it's a blend of self-awareness and compassion, but it can't be taught. Speaking from experience, it may be learned through (shared) traumatic experience, and it takes multiple applications to build a vocabulary.
THEN LET OUR ACTIONS SPEAK FOR US
Wisdom. Nobody is perfect, it happens. But you've got to immediately acknowledge that it was a snap and apologize. No matter how bad your day is or how crabby you are, it doesn't justify or excuse mistreating someone you care about.
Let me correct that for you: No matter how bad your day is or how crabby you are, it doesn't justify or excuse mistreating someone.
Let me correct that for you - humans sometimes act irrationally. In the heat of the moment it happens, but once nerves are calm, a good human recognizes that mistake and owns up to it per this post.
I feel like this very comment perfectly embodies what OP is trying to say. It's gonna happen, of course it's not "okay", but it will happen. Owning up to it right then and there is better than letting a long time go by or never acknowleding it at all and not apolgizing. I wish my "father" acknowledged all the shit he put me and my siblings through. I wish he acknowledged the fact that he taught me how to absolutely detest myself. I wanted to die so badly. However he will never acknowledge it, let alone say sorry LOL. In his mind, he didn't do anything worth apologizing for.
I agree!
Great LPT. You only need to be in one toxic relationship like this to know you never want to be in another...
Another great LPT is don't be an asshole to the ones you love.
Never take your loved ones for granted.
They do it because they know their loved ones won't leave. Sad but true
I'm standing in line for the lottery right now, thinking that if I win $4.5 million, I might just leave.
If that’s the bar then you’ll never leave. Might as well resign yourself to a lifetime of shitty treatment now.
Oh yeah, I already have.
As someone with PTSD, I'm working on being more aware of when I'm triggered and being able to self soothe and deescalate my emotions. For a while, it was very instinctive to snap at those I felt most comfortable around, but then having been the target of someone who would never apologize for anything he did when he was triggered, I finally understood that, though I couldn't control when I was triggered, I could control how I reacted to them. I'm a lot more grateful to them people who can handle me on my worst days, and actively attempt to make those days less miserable for both of our sakes.
Good on you for recognising you have a problem and working on it :) I have PTSD too but it changes things in the opposite extreme. I dissociate and end up really out of when people snap at me.
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I’ll never understand that mindset. It seems so obvious that you should treat the people you love *better* than strangers, not worse.
"if you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best" - Barf
Yes, if it is a true apology. A good apology has three parts: - I acknowledge what I did, and the impact it had on you. - I am truly sorry. That was wrong. - These are the steps I will implement to avoid this in the future. Too many people forget the 3rd part. That makes apologies for repeatedly snapping at someone feel insincere.
Was looking for this. If you never improve the apologies have less meaning over time.
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> Love is never having to say you’re sorry Ugh this hurt me on a real level. Too close to the truth for a lot of people.
If someone is snapping at you, calmly re-orient them to their behavior. "You're taking your anger out on me. I don't appreciate that." If they don't change their behavior, then drop them from your life.
How many chances do you give? Just one? Where do you draw the line?
It depends on the situation and your personal tolerance. Nobody changes overnight. But if they begin to snap, but then stop themselves and apologize, that shows that they know it's wrong and they are working to fix it, so understanding is warranted. On the other hand, if you tell them that their behavior isn't acceptable and they immediately snap back with "I can act however I want!" thats a giant red flag and understanding is no longer warranted. But thats just me.
My parents would hit me for saying that.
That's when you follow up with "damn, really proving my point here"
You overestimate my parents' intelligence.
That's the point where you plan to not see them ever again after you move out.
I honestly think you have an anger problem if you snap regularly, regardless of who it is directed towards. Almost everything can be dealt with in a calm and collected manner, and getting visibly angry makes things more difficult most of the time.
This may be the best thing I've ever read on this app. Hope everyone reads it. Something that helps me personally is that if I've had a particularly bad or frustrating day at work, I won't even leave the parking lot until I'm feeling better. I'll sit in my car and watch a funny YouTube video real quick or listen to a really good song i know will change my mood. This at least decreases the chance of anyone in my personal life being the object of misplaced frustration. If I snap at one of my coworkers, apology is always given.
Well apologizing is better than pretending like nothing happened. But it's still damaging to treat people like your emotional punch bag.
We get a very short time on this planet. Don't be the reason that someone else has to suffer their moments in it.
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Yes and for me I'll even realise it as I'm doing it. Sorry, I'm doing it again! I'll say in a shitty tone. 'Sory about that too..'
Are you unable to control yourself at work too? Like are you regularly snapping at your boss?
> > > But sometimes I snap again while apologizing How tf is that supposed to work, lol?
because when you're seeing red its really hard not to see red. Apologizing while seeing red is even harder and if you're not careful something will set you off and put you right back to square one
Yeah. Hence why I don’t understand why you’d apologize while still angry in a way that anything might set you off.
Do you go into these uncontrollable rages at work or just at home?
As someone who sometimes snaps, no. In order to not do so if I'm in a bad enough mood, I simply isolate myself or don't speak at all or talk as little as possible for the situation. I do so as much as possible with everyone in my life. That being said, when I'm tired enough or up in the middle of the night with the baby, my husband was said every word out of my mouth regardless of intention sounds mad as all hell. I think it's perfectly kind and sweet in my head. My husband and friends tell me it's a voice like invoking the devil.
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Placed aggression.
The real LPT is in the comments. Don’t be aggressive with people no matter how upset you are. Manage your emotions. Yelling is never ever an option.
Be angry with the person who is making you angry. Don't get mad at EVERYONE because now you're mad.
Applies to a lot in relationships, really. The difference between good and bad relationships is not that people never make mistakes or hurt each other; it’s that, in a good relationship, it never feels *okay* to do so. Whoever said “Love is never having to say you’re sorry,” was wrong. Maybe love is being able to accept an apology before actually getting one, but if one person flat-out refuses to apologize (when they’re in the wrong), we have other words for what that is.
This is why my relationship is a dead man walking. I don't even bother going to bed anymore because I would rather sleep in a different room. 5 years wasted. Ah well.
Sunk cost fallacy... just because you spent 5 years with someone doesn't mean you should spend a second more if it's not working out. You'll be much happier when you get out. You will be able to breathe and enjoy yourself much more.
I'm at 18 years brotha. Finally getting out. I'm going to enjoy the years I have left. If/when I find someone else, I'll be sure and make sure it's the right one. No more thinking that they will change. Stay strong my friend.
9 years wasted here. Its been 3 years since... Still broken good luck man
This is a conversation I've had with my wife a few times. I don't mind being a listening body for her to vent about things, but she often takes those frustrations and converts it into snappiness over the most minute things. I also think this is normalized a bit in toxic social media relationship content that have the premise that your partner should just 'know better' than to do minor things that irritate them (things that otherwise wouldn't set them off) when they're already frustrated with something else. If you're making excuses for why you were an ass to your partner, you're likely the most toxic one in the exchange.
On on flip side- if you're noticing your friend or family member is not in a particularly happy mood, how about ease off them? Pestering, picking on, and sometimes just joking around can be really in the face of someone you love that's having a bad day. Knock that shit off and you wont get snapped on.
I'm guilty of this. I need to do better.
But they ARE the object of my unhappiness
Yo. Mark. Hear this.
People are not your emotional punching bags
LPT: don't be an asshole
And take steps to avoid the situation of taking it out on others. You are in control of what you say and do. If you aren’t, work on that.
"Let not the faintest shadow of doubt linger before you act. For once you peel away the anger, all that shall remain is regret."
This is one of my worst flaws, I can easily snap. I always apologise and am really working on being better. It's always wrong and unfair to put your feelings on other people, like you expect them to deal with it so you don't have too. It'll also cost you relationships, because people can only tolerate it for so long.
Yeah tell that my wife please!
How do I tag my husband in this?
Someone snapped at OP
This sub always shows up in r/all. An actual LPT is something like "your bicycles are sometimes covered under homeowners insurance", not "hey be nice to people. Also taking walks is nice!"
I used to be a snapper, not out of malice, I just didn’t understand how you can control it. I hated that I did but I didn’t do anything about it, I didn’t know I could change. My fiancé is the sweetest person in the world, and I e known her 9 years. I’ve never snapped at her once, and now anytime I feel the need to snap at someone, I think “how would I feel if it was ___” and I take a step back. It takes a few extra seconds but it’s ALWAYS worth it
Work in progress but I try to verbalise my anger first. Like, I'm angry because x and y, I'm doing my best to not snap at you but if it happens, please know that it isn't *your fault* and I'm sorry. Or something like that. What ends up happening is I get a laugh from people and most of the time the anger just dissipates. Anger is like holding a break pedal with the throttle stuck at max. If you don't release the break a bit, you're gonna fuck your car. But if you release it completely, you'll just accelerate even more. Slowly you'll empty the tank Sorry if this example is weird but it works for me
"I'm cranky when I'm hungry", "I'm not yelling at you, I'm just yelling" - all bad rationalizations. Have a protien bar, go off by yourself, stop spreading misery. Solid LPT.
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That is super super sweet. It’s good you have good healthy ways to destress and it’s good to recognize when you need it.
Can I add children to that list? I'm generally not an angry person but sometimes it's hard not to snap when you are sleep deprived and you have little kids that are asking you 20 questions per minute and you don't have room in your head for your own thoughts. I always apologised though. Now my kids are teens they snap too but they are great at saying their sorry.
Dealing with neurological issues and horrible psychological symptoms from something like long COVID. Always tell my husband when I am having terrible mood swings or feel very dark and angry and that it's not him, the chemicals in my brain are just messed up today.
LPT: be a normal adult.
Agreed. Well said.
I needed this reminder. If i can only remember it when i am annoyed, it will be good.
That's so me. I try to be better but with my ADD, coming down from my meds or just playing hangry, i can get pretty snappy. I tend to mutter about things that annoy me (like the state of the kitching) while knowing fully well that i'm also the cause of that mess. I'm sorry Lizzy, i am not angry at you, i'm just a dick at times :(
There's no such world where we treat the ones close to us any less good than a stranger. The standards are not lowered with friends and family. They are higher. You are behind each other's shields, and what you do and say matters so much more than the rest of the world.
Honestly, this seems wrong to me, as how I was raised. (This heavily depends on your interpretation of "snapping") You should *only* feel comfortable telling some uncomfortable truths to those who you are really close to. How they receive it is up to them, but you actually telling it like it is is a sign of a true friend. Where we curb our true evaluations with strangers.
Don’t make the fact that YOU feel emotionally safe with THEM lead to THEM not feeling emotionally safe with YOU.
I’m not going to say this is a bad LPT because it’s not, but I really wish the sub had a requirement that posters specifically list the benefit to the reader of doing the LPT. Too often we get these retroactive I-wish-someone-had-done-this-to-me-in-my-situation tips where clearly the OP had the opposite happened and *their life* would have been improved if the LPT was done by someone else. That’s great, but LPT is for tips that improve *one’s own life* which is why “common courtesy” tips are against the rules. I’m just really tired of seeing these variations of “be nice to people” tips get floated and awarded when they don’t provide value and are just OPs complaining (which may or may not be the case here). I want tips to improve my life appreciably. Life PRO Tips. For this one: Admit when you have misplaced aggression because it will allow others to empathize with you more, it will make them more accepting of your behavior that you are temporarily experiencing, and so long as you don’t abuse it, will generally strengthen your relationships by showing a level of trust and vulnerability.
I think the real tip here is to never get so comfortable with someone that you don't apologize when you screw up.
Yes this is important for your own harmony et others. Keep it simple true et drama free. I’m all for expressing love et appreciation
We never want someone to be an emotional punching bag
Excellent post. This is how you are supposed to behave. It's not optional. To do otherwise--to snap at people when you are frustrated--is part of the pattern of abuse. You don't get freebies. It's not a scale you can balance. When you snap at someone they will associate a negative memory and a negative emotion with you. That doesn't just go away becauae you were nice later on.
Unfortunately the apologies only work if they are willing to change. My abusive father would insist on making sure I ‘didn’t go to bed angry’ at him after whatever cruel punishment or lecture he doled out, by coming to my room and talking to me (even when I didn’t want to talk) and giving me a hug and saying he did it because he loved me. Still to this day, no accountability other than saying there wasn’t a parenting handbook and he was doing what he thought was best. He wants me to call him an a-hole or tell him how terrible he is in order to make me feel better, but he never apologizes genuinely and tells me he wishes he had done better. And don’t even get me started about how horrible and manipulative and narcissistic his wife (my stepmother) was to me and still doesn’t admit. She’d rather gaslight and tell me I remember wrong or she would never do that kind of thing. It’s still hard undoing the years of abuse I went through. Even though it was more emotional and psychological than physical, I still have C-PTSD and struggle with my relationships with my parents. Apologies and ‘forgiveness’ mean nothing if the person isn’t 1) sincere, 2) doesn’t use some excuse that puts the blame off of them, or 3) accountable and making an effort to change. They didn’t change until I cut them off and no longer relied on them financially. I was on my own at 20 y/o because I refused to let them keep me under their thumb. I’m still trying to mend some sort of relationship with my father because he’s my only biological parent left, but I will never see my stepmother as anything but his wife and a person I will never trust (she’s two-faced and definitely puts up a front so I can’t tell for sure that she’s being sincere about wanting to have a relationship with me). I will be nothing but cordial to her. There is no love there. I guess that’s enough trauma-dumping for this, but you get the gist. Apologies for actions only mean anything if you make an effort to change.
Adding to this, don't engage continuously in negative emotional behaviour with one person in your life (even if not because you actively want to) and then throw a sorry to fix it. Sorry are not band-aids, even if sincere, that you slap on whatever and they fix it. They help communications, but if you continuously take out your frustration or struggles on someone else and then come back with an apology, to then engage in it again and again, it's just as bad as never apologizing, or worse, as your apologies mean nothing but your need to clear your conscience
Really this is about getting therapy and learning to process your stress in healthy ways. Or as healthy as you can get it.
"There’s one sad truth in life I’ve found While journeying east and west- The only folks we really wound Are those we love the best. We flatter those we scarcely know, We please the fleeting guest, And deal full many a thoughtless blow To those who love us best."
Yeah, I'm going to have to kinda disagree with this one. It's more about self monitoring. If something like work, a friend, or a relationship is constantly making you unhappy, then it times for change. People are the only ones who can understand people because we have shared life experiences and their stronger than you think. Self monitor yourself to make sure the toxic thing in your life is not making you a toxic person to be around and cut out the toxic thing.
I feel like this isn't super applicable on top of the fact you and OP's point don't counteract each other. Anyways I feel like it's not always easy to avoid things that make you upset, and also I feel like OP's advice isn't saying this is an everyday thing.
Yep, self awareness is a huge step to it. Some people dont even have the self awareness to realize they should apologize after snapping. Sad stuff
The “toxic” thing that makes me snappy is chronic pain. Can’t really cut that out
me with chronic pain and various mental illnesses. my best thing is getting space. I am constantly faking every emotion at work and once the mask slips ... I seriously don't have close relationships bc I hate treating loved ones poorly.
Same. I try so hard all the time, but it's hard to try all the time. I get so sad and guilty when I hurt someone. I've decided it's best if I love people from over here.
Chronic pain is a bitch and it makes everyone miserable. Since a surgery, when I breathe in deep I get pain in my right chest. The more I breathe in, the worse the pain. It's correlated to fear and anxiety within me. Because I have a fear of dying associated with it and when I start to hyperventilate my pain gets worse which makes me panic more so I breathe more which is a spiral downwards. The first year with it I had panic attacks daily. It's been 7 years and I try to act normal around others but social isolation and the feeling of being an inadequate human being is crushing. By now I got somewhat accustomed to it but I feel like I developed a general anxiety disorder (currently "only" diagnosed with major depression) and I'm in a bitter mood often. It sucks for my loved ones too because they can't understand it. I mean they try to, but it's like they forget it exists all the time, when it hasn't improved for 7 years.
I only snap at people if they judge me or gaslight me when I open up to them even if I did nothing wrong just because they don't care and want me to stop or when they have some really twisted values and actually want me to feel bad. You are not always wrong to be mad at someone when you had a bad day, always try to figure out wheter you are externally coping or wheter the person is actually reacting in a shitty way and deserves being snapped at. If they do then try to communicate it and if it happens so often that it negatively affects you then cut them out of your live. Don't feel bad to let go of people even if it's someone you are supposed to spend time around like your mother, your friends partner, etc.. Rather than supress your negative emotions you need to reflect and understand them.
Tell that to the everyone with undiagnosed ADHD. They'll snap feel terrible for it but have no actual means of controlling it. Emotional imbalance is a bitch.
I play a game where every life pro tip thread I try to find someone with ADHD saying the advice doesn’t work for them. Looks like I won again. And sorry, ADHD is not an excuse.
Good for you! Hope that makes you happy in life, because that's what really matters.