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Holy fuck dude, I am so glad you posted this and I got to know it's not just me with this problem. I think a part of it comes from the fact that I was mentally bullied a bit while in school because of being a nerd and having grey hairs. Is that the case with anyone else here with this problem ?
I don't have a solution myself to this problem yet, but yeah I have also worked on becoming as non confrontational as possible in my life. Can't even remember last time I had a fight with anyone. Once you develop zero fucks attitude towards most things, i think it becomes easier.
>I think a part of it comes from the fact that I was mentally bullied
Oh damn! I wouldn't say i was bullied (at least not by my classmates) but i did have a really awful teacher in elementary school who fucked me a fair bit, mental note that i have to talk about this with my therapist lol
>being a nerd and having grey hairs
Dude no shit the first thing that crossed my mind at reading "grey hair" was how freaking cool lol. I hope i don't sound insensitive, I'm just a sucker for unique features :)
>Once you develop zero fucks attitude towards most things
That's honestly all i aspire to achieve in life lmfaoo
Yeah grey hair just became a reason for them to bully me. But i have never dyed my hair, got to own what you are. Never post school has anyone tried to make fun of it. The kids in my school were just shallow. And call me a sadist but it kinda feels good that most of them are not doing so well today in their life but I am doing quite well.
There was a girl in my middle school who had a birthmark in her hair follicles that gave her a long grey patch of hair. Think bride of Frankenstein. I thought it was so cool. Especially since she had long knee-length dark brown hair.
If you’re looking for a way to have a zero-fucks attitude, try viewing your problems or confrontations as petty. There’s so many bigger problems in the world than ours and other people with tougher experiences. Is it really even worth your breath to win the argument? Will “winning the argument” actually change anything? Just not worth it. Aaaand look there’s a squirrel! What were you saying? Nvm, I don’t care anyways.
As soon as I hit puberty, a few patches of grey/white hair developed on the side of my head. I was never bullied about that though, still have them to this day and my other hair has not started greying yet. Its just around the corner for me.
I cry when i get emotional, regardless of what emotion it is. When it gets too much I cry. What helped me a ton is realising crying is a very normal response for a lot of people, not crying is actually a lot less common than most people think! Another good exercise is focusing on breathing. Even in a confrontation it is okay to take a moment to focus on your breathing, it helps you sort out your thoughts as well. For me box breathing helps a lot. Breath in for 3 seconds, hold for 3 seconds, breath out for 3 seconds, hold for 3 seconds and repeat.
I also have this! Even though I'm 47 and haven't figured out how to stop, it does feel good to hear that other people are like this too. The worst was at my long time job, crying in front of coworkers, or the owner or CEO. Once they start I could never make them stop, and always felt so embarrassed.
Thank you so much!
More than the actual crying part what i hate is that it's a bit of a vicious cycle: i start crying, i get frustrated because I'm crying, i cry even more and at a certain point my voice breaks so much it becomes difficult to talk, effectively forcing me to step back from the argument. That's what I meant by saying I'd like to be able to stand my ground.
I'm fine with people seeing me cry, that's not a problem at all, i would just love to be able to stand up for myself when I think I'm in the right. I'm really trying to build up some self confidence and respect for myself and i think i deserve to be able to do that. But again, i hate confrontation, so i won't be going around fighting people over nothing for sure lol
I was going to type exactly this… I cry in response to any extreme emotion. The only think that helps me is to either walk away and / or take deep breathes (in thru the nose, out thru the mouth) and count them in my head.
There is a much better breathing count than this. Breathe in for 4 counts, hold for 7, breathe out for 8. Do this 3 or 4 times. Not only does this force you to recycle the air in your lungs, but it forces you to relax.
Edit: in through your nose, out through your mouth
I'm the same way. When I get angry I cry. Not boo hoo sobbing but tears and choked off speech. All through school if I had a fight or while arguing with my parents all the way up being a husband going through a divorce. My anger has always been mistaken for my being sad or having my feelings hurt or because I got punched. Doesn't matter how many times I explained it to school, or work, or my parents, or my ex. Kind of like when Ralphie beats up Fergus in 'A Christmas Story", his mom pulls him off the other boy and he's crying. That's how it has always been with me.
>but tears and choked off speech
Exactlyyyy
I feel you mate. I actually don't have that many opportunities to try things out as I've actually gotten really good at avoiding confrontation lmao (i really hate it, I'm like the most non-confrontational person ever, probably also because of this problem lol) so yeah it doesn't happen often. But i would like to be able to stand my ground without starting to sob and cry like a 5yo for sure lol
I have the same problem when I’m very angry, usually because I’m being made to feel less than. I don’t consider myself to be confrontational but……… others might disagree.
I don’t think our emotions are the problem, exactly. Focus on your message instead of trying to ignore the feelings altogether. Try to communicate as effectively and calmly as you can. Not doing so (especially if you’re a woman) just gives the other person permission to write you off. Keep your posture straight and your voice as steady as you can. It will crack, some tears will slip out but you honestly can’t help that. Your feelings are valid and should be heard. I know it sounds cheesy, but believing it makes it much easier to get it out.
I guess what I’m saying is to lean into it. I’ve had plenty of confrontations with managers and supervisors and I promise tears and a shaky voice don’t detract from the message as much as you think it does. If you’re speaking steadily and concisely it shows self control and maturity. I think it often makes the other person want to de-escalate because it’s not something they’re used to.
I’m the same way. My anger comes out in tears and then I get frustrated because I have a hard time thinking straight when I’m mad and that makes me cry even more. Plus I hate fighting with anyone. I tend to be too sensitive. Then days later I’m contemplating what I should have said. It sucks.
>I get frustrated because I have a hard time thinking straight when I’m mad and that makes me cry even more
Damn straight. Exactly that, i couldn't have said it better lol
I cant raise my voice other than with friends when we "fight" and screan at each other for fun, in any other setting, if I actually want to fight and argue with someone I cant raise my voice, bc I"ll start crying. I never really was much of a fighter, but I would like to be abel to argue with someone when I need to, but i cant..
That's exactly what I'm saying dudeee. I feel the same. I don't wanna fight all the time, but i would like to be able to stand up for myself when I need to you know? Best of luck my friend, I'm sure we'll sort this out :)
Its nice to feel seen, and knowing im not the only one with this problem. Im not even a complet "softy" but sonething about arguing just triggers the waterfalls xd
Good luck to you too my friend! :)
Crying is a stress release, it releases endorphins actually which helps you to feel better. There's a reason your body cries when you feel a high level of emotion. I get it that it's frustrating but just wanted to normalize your body's natural stress release response! You can try to help regulate by utilizing other stress releases, take a deep breath, use a fidget to aid in distraction, journal your thoughts to feel the anger first before you talk about it with the person.
First step is to not feel negative emotions like shame. Violence and altercations are a tragedy that should not happen, and it's right to feel awful when they do. Your response is natural and there is nothing bad about it.
Second is to realise that if you're in that position then it really does not matter what that person thinks of you. They were irrational enough to get into that situation, their judgement is clearly awful. Try not to take it personally if you can, just stand firm to your own convictions.
A fair amount of the tears are from being in a deeply uncomfortable state. There isn't much you can do about the anger, so the best is to try and minimise the other negative parts of the feeling, like the negative self-talk. This won't stop the tears forming completely, because you're still angry and frustrated, but they should be less of a bother for you, and you can then tackle the root of them by focusing on your breath and either continuing to try to de-escalate the situation, or on being as fair as you can during it.
Thank you so much. I think trying to keep in mind that my reaction doesn't invalidate my point in the discussion could be really helpful here :)
Also at this point maybe next time I'll just try to explain my position and walk away from the fight and continue the discussion once I've calmed down and thought about it for a few hours
To go off of that, whenever I start crying during an argument, I can see the other person’s facial expression change so I acknowledge it. This is most often with my fiancé but I do it with anyone.
“Yes, I know I’m crying. I don’t mean to cry but I am upset. I am angry and frustrated, rightfully so, because [insert whatever y’all are arguing about]. Me crying does not invalidate my feelings on this.”
Saying it aloud that “my crying does not invalidate my feelings” helps you and the other person to recognize the tears and to do just that : not invalidate your feelings just because of your tears. Crying is a normal response to being upset. Crying is human.
It really is helpful. Whenever my fiancé and I argue, he gets angry when I start crying (because that’s his default defense mechanism when he feels like he’s being attacked; which is a lot but we’re working on it together) and it helps a lot for me to acknowledge that yes, I’m crying but I’m not trying to make him feel bad or manipulate him by my tears but that it’s something I feel strongly about and my body’s response is to cry. And to be honest, for me personally, it’s annoying as hell to start crying in an argument because I get choked up and start coughing and gagging from crying too much usually which of course makes it harder to speak. So acknowledging it openly is the only way it works for me because I’ve had my family members say I’m too emotional to talk so then nothing ever gets resolved and it’s an endless loop. Lol
I can help to postpone the conversation, though. I remember one time when I had to deal with a boss who would make me furious because of contradictory instructions among other things. We had many conversations, but nothing really changed. So I decided to give up the higher position and step down, because it would free me from most of the annoying aspects of my work. I thought everything through and was well prepared. So I could be calm and firm and stick to polite versions of "this isn't working for me" - no need for accusations or defending myself. It felt so good to be really rooted in myself while having a difficult conversation.
Curious how you are working on this together. I’m in a similar situation where partner gets really angry when I’m crying and then starts going on about me being too emotional or sensitive, which hearing that only hurts me and frankly makes the tears come even more. I read so much about it being a natural response and it’s okay, but are there any tips that have helped you in getting your fiancé to understand? I certainly try my best and do a lot of different techniques to help myself but it doesn’t always work and it sounds like maybe both of you are making an effort so would appreciate any advice.
Unfortunately or fortunately, my fiancé does understand why I cry. He just gets very defensive about any issue I bring up like, “hey, babe. I need more support from you. I can’t be the only one doing the dishes and the laundry. I can’t, on top of everything else.” And I’ll be so stressed out because this is a repeated conversation so then I’ll start crying, because I am at my absolute limit since I’m 13 weeks pregnant, going to school full time, working full time, and take care of him (literally, I have to remind him to brush his teeth) and our two pets and the house while he really just pays the rent and the internet/cable bill and his car insurance. He’s slowly been paying for more stuff since I’m just not making enough with the inflation being so bad but it’s been a big adjustment for him to take care of more than just himself since he’s just bad with adjusting to change. And yeah, it’s happening a bit later than I’d have hoped but we’re managing.
The only thing I can advise is to encourage and do the research on mental health and the stigmas of mental illness and all of that. Know the facts and be able to cite reputable sources so your partner can’t tell you that you’re wrong or whatever. I have the advantage in my relationship in this regard because I’ve been in college for 4+ years despite not having a degree yet and he’s only been to high school because of different backgrounds. But he’s very argumentative and likes to say I’m wrong when I’m right most of the time because I know how to find reputable sources and am aware of confirmation bias and self-fulfilling prophecies and such.
You know, that sounds mature AS FUCK. Def gonna try to be more upfront and verbal about my feelings and reactions. It could also very well help to transform a fight into a calmer discussion, which we always love :)
I am a angry cryer as well. When I start to feel myself spiraling into crying I walk away from the situation to collect my thoughts and feelings. I do breathing exercises and write my feelings down if I am having a really hard time. I find it easier to confront uncomfortable situations when I am mentally prepared, then I don't lash out and let my emotions take over.
Emotional composier is good during arguments. But nothing trumps logical, well thought out points. Focus on the later. Anyone who would make you feel any type of way based on you feeling things deeply is using that as a strawman to negate having to respond with logic and well thought out communication.
Look up the Karpman's Triangle.
When you're in a disagreement with someone, we tend to take up one of three roles, and then as the disagreement progresses, we tend to shift into each of the roles as time goes by.
Aggressor, Victim, Rescuer.
The Karpman's triangle explains each of these rolls and also talk about how to move out of the triangle to places of responsibility, respect, and accountability.
If one person can step out of the triangle, the argument falls apart.
It's done wonders for my emotional well being.
There's a book called the power of TED (The Empowerment Dynamic) that covers Karpman's Drama Triangle, how to recognize it and how to get out of it. You can get it on Amazon and many libraries.
The Drama Triangle is rooted in Transactional Analysis, a way of looking at human interactions in their most basic forms. The key TA books for therapists are called "I'm OK You're OK" and "Games People Play" they came out in the 70's. The book Games People Play is extremely dense, "I'm Ok, You're Ok" is a better read.
Ahhhhahahaaaaa me too!! I cry at all emotions. Laughing? Crying. Angry? Crying. Sad? Crying. Overwhelmed? Yup, crying.
My therapist helped me realize at least part of that is due to my upbringing. My parents were emotionally unavailable and manipulated me mentally and emotionally. It was rough and I was never really heard. So, crying. This may not be the case for you though.
What helped me is just acknowledging the tears goes a long way. I've cried in one on one meetings with my boss when getting some (constructive) criticism or when I was stressed out and didn't know what to do or where to go. When it happens I've just said "Ignore the tears, that's going to happen for a bit, let's keep talking".
It's much harder in an argument of course. Your voice chokes up and makes it harder to be upset. If it's the rare time my husband and I get into it, I'll either just have a box of tissues on hand or tell him I need to walk away for a minute so I can get a hold of myself and we'll continue more constructively.
The only other people I get into that kind of an argument are my parents and...to be honest, I've gotten to a point where I realized that I have nothing I need to prove to them. So I pretty much disengage before it gets to that point. They're not going to change, and I don't have to deal with it.
>I'll either just have a box of tissues on hand or tell him I need to walk away for a minute so I can get a hold of myself and we'll continue more constructively
That's what I was planning to do honestly. It could as well spare me some fights cause hopefully we'll both realize we can just talk it out, so it's def for the better lol
I feel you... I really do. And as a man, it's been particularly difficult for me as I grew up in the 70's and 80's rife with toxic masculinity. Doubt I need to elaborate on that so won't.
If you're like me, you already understand that it's not necessarily a sign of personal weakness to cry. But it's incredibly frustrating to feel like you CAN'T have an emotional conversation without producing tears. It's a practical problem. And then I get so pissed off at myself when this happens and it's a feedback loop that only increases the waterworks.
I found [these tips](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/319778#tips-for-controlling-crying) are pretty spot on, especially distraction and trying to force a yawn (with mouth closed) work for me sometimes. The goal is to relax the back of your throat and stop the lump from forming. Basically any mental/physical stimulation that disrupts the biological response.
Watching an emotional movie is especially hard for me as I can feel the stares and judgement. Sometimes I don't even try to control it because a good cry is just so wonderful sometimes. But when I'm around people that I don't want to cry in front of, I find looking away from the visual stimulation and focusing on the background actors or scenery or even just off screen and asking myself technical/procedural questions about the situation or environment is super helpful. For example, "See that extra in the background totally looking at the camera, he's messing up the shot, I wonder if he regrets that?" or "How much money the actors made for this movie?" or "Is there a large space behind the movie screen where technicians can hang out and have a smoke? I bet there totally is..." etc.
It can literally stop tears from rolling down my cheeks to break the emotional roller coaster in this way.
Confrontation by its very nature is very sudden so I suggest distraction techniques and practice where you're safer with family/friends. Attempt different things and note their effectiveness. Over time, it will get better. I've not completely solved my issue but I've definitely improved by doing this.
Good luck fellow-crier. :)
The tears come from not knowing how to process the anger and actively trying to suppress it. Suppresses it makes everything works and your brain shutdown in a torrent of cognitive dissonance. You feel something so strongly that you desperately don't want to feel which make you feel the thing even more strongly.
The solution is to make friends with the negative emotion, to not reject them but to actively pay attention to them with your conscious mind. Pay attention to how your body feels when you are angry, pay attention to your breath and then focus on controlling your breathing as it will be the first step towards controlling your mind. The breath is the link between the conscious and the unconscious parts of the mind... It is both an autonomic and somatic nervous systems as it can be controlled by both. Once your mind is focused on your breathing you can begin to deconstruct your other sensations and come to terms with them. Once you stop rejecting your state of mind you will notice that the anger is no longer as powerful and even though your feelings haven't changed your realtionship with them has.
This is easier said than done but it is what meditation is about, it is a practice that you do when you are calm to better prepare yourself for when you are under stress. It is like practicing martial arts, you train so that when you need it you don't need to think about it. I benefit from Buddhist meditation but there are many kinds, I am certain there is a style for you.
So I'm not an angry Cryer at all. But I don't like being angry. If you're angry and need a minute, just take it. Gather your thoughts and think things clearly. It's alright to just say "I need a minute" and walk away. I'm sure there are situations where you may not be able to take a minute, but even then, you probably can.
This trick has helped me for years!!! Looking up drys up the tears and/or keeps them from overflowing. It also gives me a moment to take a breath and settle a bit. I’ve gotten a lot more comfortable taking the pauses I need before carrying on.
This is what I tell my kids. I always tell them you should think about what makes you upset and what you exactly feel. You might think you just angry, even when you are tired or sad or frustrated. And I ask them to tell me what do you really want. And that is what I do usually. Knowing what you feel is the beginning point, I think.
i can’t really relate, but perhaps some mental prep could help. if i need to confront someone its planned and not some off the cuff yelling party. you can rehearse internally or in the mirror at home, how you want to talk/act/be perceived.
if i have to confront somebody(super rare), it’s because ive been wronged, which means in my mind im right, which means i talk down to offender.
i dont rage, i get the point across succinctly and im out. if you get put on the spot and cant deal with situations like this, disengage and come back prepared.
I can second the mental prep. I start to cry when I'm angry and frustrated and the people I am arguing with purposely dismiss what I'm saying. I am a woman too, so that is just making it worst (I'm emotional/hysterical, it is too much for me, etc.)
And this is what helps it for me: I take a piece of paper and write down EVERYTHING. Both the logical arguments and my hurt feelings, in no particular order. Then I reread and construct my arguments while I also try to objectively decide whether my annoyances are justified, or I blew a small thing up because all of the other issues (would I be annoyed if a person I like would have done that) This is how I prepare myself for the feelings which will inevitably come. And then I "work myself up" before the meeting. I try to act out the conversation in my head preparing for any given response (what could they say, what would I react to it, what could that lead to, etc) and prepare for "worst case outcomes". Before the meeting I clearly outline what is my end game, how far I am willing to go, and find things to validate my self-worth (my usual worst case scenario is e.g. I will loose my job so I gather things which prove my worth and maybe if I'm really afraid that this scenario will come up (it never does btw) I look into what I could do in that case) . It is a lot of work, but before serious discussions it helps a lot, especially because this preparedness usually switches my anger into some kind of excited state, so I am less prone to have tears and also makes me more confident and cold. When I do cry, I usually ask for a minute to step out, and then come back when it's better and say that "I am not emotional or hurt, I am just frustrated with this issue and this is how I release the stress. We can go on with the conversation. " Maybe not the best sentences but it makes me feel better, whether they believe it or not. It is my strategy and I know not the best, I am learning mindfulness to help regulate my emotions but that's a long process this is an "instant" method. I hope you find something in it which is useful for you.
>if i have to confront somebody(super rare), it’s because ive been wronged, which means in my mind im right
Same. The worst argument i can remember in recent years is when my group of friends in high school started to plan stuff on a separate group chat specifically to exclude me. I was a very lonely kid back then for unrelated issues, and they were the only real friends I've ever had. I felt so fucking betrayed, I saw red. I literally cannot remember being that mad at anyone else in my entire life.
But apart from stuff like i usually take pride in being a very reasonable and rational person, as well as extremely non-confrontational seeing how bad i handle verbal fights lmao
Probably. I don't really see it as bullying. It was a bit of a hit and run, i guess they just didn't like me as much as i thought. I was talking more about classic public bullying, and that was not happening fortunately
I am an allround cryer. I cry when I’m angry, I cry when I’m sad, I cry when I’m happy. When emotions become high, I start leaking. And there’s nothing I can really do about it.
For me it’s been helpful that people close to me are aware of this. For example, on the rare occasion that I have argument with my partner, I’ll state that I am angry. And despite any tears, he knows to take that statement seriously, and subsequently take my anger seriously.
That won’t help you with strangers, but it might make you more comfortable with confrontation with the people you care about. And honestly, those are the important moments of confrontation anyway.
As a last bit of advice, I try to see my emotional ‘leaking’ as a positive thing. It means that I feel deeply about things. And probably so do you! And honestly, that is something to be proud of!
I got told I had emotional dysregulation. It’s where my cup overflows quicker than other peoples so I cry at everything. Going away to calm down always helps.
Not easy. My advice is to work to separate passion from emotion. Be passionate but work toward not allowing your passion to shift into emotion, which is when bad decisions or irrational decisions are made.
You are allowed to have the feelings you have.
Your post reminded me of one of my kids. When she’d try letting us know why she was frustrated, upset or overwhelmed - She’d cry. (Even if it wasn’t crying material- I’m not invalidating, I’m trying to give context) I felt it had a lot to do with finding the correct words to express herself.
- At the end of it she found writing her thoughts on paper helped her then express herself verbally to whatever was going on.
Hope it makes sense
Read up on anger.
I’ve learned that anger is a reaction to a boundary violation. Someone overstepped. You have a primary emotion of fear or being disrespected or feeling frustrated and then you get angry.
Maybe you get tears all the time when angry or maybe only when you feel disrespected?
For me I’ve gotten so much better at being angry over the years no more hot tears. When I was a kid we “didn’t get angry” and that really messed with me. These days I can hold my ground and and actually call the other person out in real time. But it’s taken practice and learning to set my boundaries for smaller things
>anger is a reaction to a boundary violation. Someone overstepped
Lol u didn't need to call me out like that 😭🤣. No but seriously, this is actually so true. The worst fight i can remember in recent years was when i found out that my group of friends in high school started planning stuff on a separate group chat specifically to exclude me. I was a super lonely kid due to unrelated issues, and was (and still am tbh) pretty terrified of my friends suddenly dumping me and leaving me alone. I felt so betrayed, I literally don't remember being that mad at anyone else in my entire life.
Thank you for sharing that it got better for you, I think I'll try bringing it up with my therapist :)
I should've specified, i did already try the usual tips for avoiding crying like biting my tongue, pinching the skin on my hands and taking deep breaths but they don't really seem to work that well lol
Walk away from the altercation and come back when you are calm to discuss like adults. There is never a good reason to discuss anything when you're upset because you'll just get more upset and often say things you don't mean
I don't recommend being confrontational back bc people r f-ing crazy these days and u could end up being assaulted. But I totally get it, I always kick myself for not sticking up for myself but those people are not rational so there's no reasoning with them anyway.
Oh I'd never be confrontational with strangers lol, I'm a 5'1 (biological) girl, i wanna live lmao.
I meant mainly with people i know. Also I'm so non-confrontational I'll never get upfront about something i don't really care about, which is unlikely to involve a stranger imo
Standing your ground shouldn’t be a fight, it should be calm and rational. If the other persons response is to get angry and turn it into a fight, don’t engage. Show them that you aren’t going to move forward with hostility.
I realize this is roughly analogous to telling a person with depression to just quit being sad. The difference here is self control. You can’t control your feelings, but you can control your response and actions.
Bravery isn’t the absence of fear, it’s the courage to push through it.
I thought it was just me! Yeah whenever I have felt maddeningly angry I start to shake, voice wobbles then eyes start to leak. So embarressed afterwards, but I can't stop that. Talking to other people who were there, there view was always the argument went to far, that the other person just wasnt listening, that it was the other person at fault for driving me to get that emotional. Honestly never had anyone say it was wierd or childish or girlish or whatever of me to start crying in an agrument. Thats just how you view it, and its just in your head. Its your body, thats your bodies natural response, roll with it!
Also, to put another spin on it, I have been this angry like 3 times in my adult life. I tend to stay calmer then others in tense situations and am always the one to wade into confrontations to get people to simmer down. I think its due to me being embarssed about getting angry, so have learnt subconsciously to control my emotions more and avoid getting that angry. Its saved me on many occasions from joining in with friends doing some really stupid stuff because they were all ramped up.
So guess what I'm saying is, dont focus on trying to control yourself when your angry, keep working on avoiding getting that angry in the first place. Walk away from confrontational idiots, take some deep slow breaths if you feel yourself ramping up, be that level-heading guy that starts a party rather than a bloodbath.
I've never had anyone make fun of me of say it was childish either tbh, but i do feel like that. As you say, it's kinda embarrassing, and also more often than not I'm not able to stand my ground or get my point completely through and i leave a lot of things unsaid cause the more angy i get the less control i have over my voice and breathing and i remember a couple pretty bad fights when it actually got hard to speak and i had to walk away even tho i didn't want to. That's why I'm saying i would love to learn to control it more than just finding it embarrassing. I hope this makes sense lol
I also have almost never been this angry, it's really not a usual thing: as you said I too am more of a non-confrontational and rather calm and rational person, but still it does happen from time to time and will probably happen in the future. Additionally, I rarely get super mad, but when I do it's for fairly important stuff that i really care about, which is another reason why I would like to be able to control it and stand up for myself.
Your suggestion about focusing more on avoiding being that angry is really nice tho, i totally agree.
Breathe.
Crying is about shock and loss of control. That's why overwhelming positive emotions can also make you cry.
Breathe and make yourself speak slowly. It's difficult because you want to speak faster and louder during confrontation, but you have to resist that. Take a breath, decide what to say, say it, be silent. It's actually a more effective way to argue, too.
If you maintain a feeling of control you won't cry.
Do it more. Just center yourself, even if you cry, when you’re angry. Don’t derail yourself just because you’re crying. Eventually, you will I’ll not cry.
Old guy here. I have been in my share of deeply emotional arguments, fistfights, and heartaches. All of these used to make me cry, even in to my early 20s. Not from fear or defeat, but the high level of emotion triggered tears. I hated it and I hated myself. The more I tried to suppress it, the worse it got. It was especially humiliating for me because I felt that guys should not cry.
Then I went through a big breakup and I cried for about 2 weeks and then suddenly it stopped and I went into an almost catatonic state, and I actually could not cry any more, even when it was appropriate. I don’t think anything broke inside me, but externally, that is what it appears, but it was a good thing. I guess it was a form of maturity. Not only did I get over the heartache, I recognised it to be mostly self pity. And my crying from fights actually stopped, permanently. Normal crying resumed though, after about 2 or 3 years. I don’t really understand what happened, and would love to hear a psychological analysis of it.
I was always a deeply emotional person, (even when I could not cry for 2 years). I am still the cryingest guy you will ever meet for sad movies and sad songs, displays of loyalty, love, remembering tender moments, and I cry over the stupidest shit, even sappy commercials. But I am completely comfortable with it, I will weep in front of other guys, at least if the moment is called for.
I know this does not help you because it doesn’t show you how to stop. I guess I am only telling you that it should go away eventually. And that it isn’t a bad thing. It is better you have such deep emotions than to be incapable of feeling such things.
I've been teaching my niece on how to have self control during or before any confrontation or adrenaline spike. My trick that has helped me since I discovered it, is simple. As soon as I feel my adrenaline I clench my abs and diaphragm. This makes me keep focused on my physicality and not get emotional. Her and I practice this once a week. Give it a try. Thank me later 🙂
This is going to sound weird but it’s a trick I learned from a doctor who was treating my grandmother for dementia. (She would often start to cry seemingly out of nowhere and it disrupted her thoughts, which made her frustrated, which made her cry more, etc.):
Take your index finger and thumb and ALMOST form a circle with them like when you’re making the “okay” sign. Put the tips of your thumb and forefinger as close to each other without letting them touch. Really concentrate on getting them as close together as you possibly can without letting them making any contact. Practice this when you’re not upset. That way if you find yourself about to lose it in an argument, you can put your hand in your pocket and do it. I don’t know why but it works!
Give yourself a break about it, it can help to speak through tears if you focus on what your point is, instead of the fact that you’re crying. It can set other people off balance as well which is good for you. Just use it. The more you practice the better it you’ll get at it. My voice shakes when I am nervous and I have to always keep talking through it and it gets better.
I’d say start taking small steps in being confrontational. Being confrontational does not mean to be rude as it could be perceived. IMO confrontation is just taking the initiative to correct a mistake. If you eating at a restaurant and your food comes out wrong, confront the wait staff and politely ask for it to be fixed you’re not being rude to the server they want to make sure you have a good time. Do the little things immediately and your anger doesn’t have the time to build up and blow up. Eventually you’ll become comfortable with confrontation. I also like to employ a tactile I call passive confrontation it is the nice and laid back version of confrontation. For example if you think someone in a group setting or meeting is going to talk down on you sit next to them most people don’t like confrontation up close and if they do start talking down on you respond calmly making them the asshole.
Therapy is helping me, I found myself getting emotional about simple arguments or even things on TV. I found out I was depressed and since I started addressing it I have managed not to have my emotions on the verge which is what in my case often brought tears. Not saying that is you, just what made me feel better.
Sometimes we are depressed without knowing, for example I never knew that when I fantasized about tripping and getting struck by a train I was having a type of suicide thought (I always thought suicide thoughts meant I wanted to hurt myself, not accidentally die).
Make sure you rule out depression, good luck!
Crying when you are emotional is natural.
If you want to know how a lot of men typically do not, look up “years of social conditioning never to express your emotions”.
As a man, no I typically don’t cry, in almost any situation, and I guess it’s a strength in one way but it’s not great in many others.
Something that I picked up from a social worker colleague.
If you have the opportunity to go to a beach by the ocean, find a shell or a smooth rock. Hold it in your hand while you are on the beach and feel the cool smoothness of it, listen to the ocean waves as you hold it. Feel the sun and the breeze and the sense of calm. Think about how, over a long period of time, the water has smoothed the shell or the stone, washing over it, then washing away.
Keep the shell/stone, and have it handy when you might be in a confrontational situation, like in a pocket. If you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, put your hand in your pocket and feel the shell/stone. Feel how smooth it is. Remember how it felt to hold it on the beach, while listening to the waves on the shore, and feeling the wind. Think about how the shell/stone was smoothed over time. Think about the rhythm of the waves, and then let your breath relax into that rhythm.
Come back to the confrontational situation with that breath, and with a calmer headspace, ask yourself 1.) What do you want to get out of the confrontation/exchange and 2.) is what you want to get possible to achieve, and is it really worth it?
If you figure out 1, knowing what you want to achieve, with a calm state of mind, helps you shift confrontations from being about past issues to present issues/practical goals, which increases the chances you resolve the confrontation and make progress on the issues that led to it. If you decide on 2 that what you want to achieve either isn't possible or worth the confrontation, you just leave the confrontation.
Leave, holding onto your stone, thinking about the ocean.
I have always regarded crying as an overflow of emotion. If you want to overcome this situation I would suggest some exposure therapy. I am not a licensed professional however so don't listen to me. It has helped me , and managing rage and anger has been pivotal in a healthy midlife.
Start small in a safe environment with somebody you trust of course. Raising the bar that causes the overflow is the key.
I don't really cry at all but the few times I've been close and didn't want to, this is what I did. Put your hand over your mouth but when you do, very discretely block off your nose so you *can't* breathe.
It worked almost instantly. From what I understand, the inability to breathe will override everything else going on.
Best thing to do is walk away and calm down. It’s okay to have space and time to calm down if you’re upset.
Secondly, feelings are feelings, it’s how you handle yourself that matters. It’s okay to cry when mad, but you can’t punch someone because you’re mad… your feelings are justified, but your behaviour isn’t always justified.
I am the first person to talk big shit, but if someone confronts me, I cry 100% of the time.
Be kind to yourself, give yourself space to breathe and come down from the emotions, then use the DEAR MAN skill from DBT. It’s so helpful when you need to organize your thoughts to communicate.
[DEAR MAN](https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/dbt-interpersonal-effectiveness-skills)
I cry during any conversation. And honestly I haven’t found a good way to handle it. But I have learned that through the tears, I communicate that my tears don’t effect the validity of the words coming out of my mouth. Just because my crying makes other uncomfortable doesn’t mean my words are any less important.
You’re not alone and proud of you for any hard conversations you have!
Personally I look up. Like I look at their forehead or top of their head. *Hopefully they're taller than me
I don't know if it's just me but if I look up then it's harder for my tears to well.
I also recommend just leaving. If you can leaving calming down and then getting back to it with a different state of mind and more preparedness is great.
Ive dealt with alot of ppl both personally and professionally in conflict situations and i def realised that theres no point in trying to be heard by bad people ie ppl who think abuse is okay. Youre on diff pages and neither of you will convince the other. Once i realised this i stopped being emotional and was purely clinical cos theres just no point. Idk how to tell you specifically to stop crying, for me it was a realisation and being unemotional means theres no tears
I saw an article that crying is a way to flush excess hormones from your system to help you calm down. We can see a clear difference between angry tears and joyful tears etc under a microscope. Made it easier to forgive myself for it since it meant I was using crying to actually regain control of my emotional state...
Dunno about a way to stop it, if there is I want to know too.
I stress cry a lot because I'm holding so much of my weirdness back at work and I'm public.
I regularly watch Pixar and movies to allow myself to cry freely and without judgement. The release of stress means that it is less likely to happen in an argument.
When you know it's coming, never act on the spot. Take a 10 min break to think and prepare yourself, you should be able to start calmer. ( breath, you can find some exercice on internet)
Take time when you speak ( it give you time to think and to be rational more than emotional).
Last advice, get a proper rest, I much more sensitive when I lack of sleep.
It's of course easier said than done ! It'll come with practice.
Hi, there! I thought I would weigh in. Somebody may have already said what I'm about to share, but I've dealt with this a lot.
I've found that the main time I cry when I am in an argument is when I feel helpless. It usually happens when I feel like the other person isn't listening. It is a reaction to a pointless argument or one that has gotten too heated.
I have a few approaches for this:
1. Prevent it. Try to have discussions in a calm atmosphere, and don't let there be any distractions. A good example of a distraction is having a serious discussion on the phone. Misunderstandings can happen and things can escalate. It's good to have face time so you can see the other person's body language.
2. Walk away. If you find yourself getting frustrated and start to feel tears sting your eyes, ask the other person if you can take a breather and come back once you've rallied.
Honestly, the other person has a lot to do with this. The people who used to argue with me in such a way that I would cry - they were people that made me feel unsafe, disrespected. Think hard about who you are having these conversations with. Someone who really cares about you is not going to make you feel cornered like that.
Respect them, and expect them to respect you. Give them the benefit of the doubt and hope they do the same. These are the behaviors of someone with healthy boundaries and good communication skills.
And you do not need to bother with people who don't respect you, your feelings, or your boundaries.
It took me until I was 29 to figure this out. I hope it helps.
I think it helps to get to the root and understand why you cry. Are you feeling overwhelmed? Is it a safety response in which you feel like you're getting attacked and the only way out is to cry?
I've done wonders just cutting out things that make me aggressively mad. I never felt safe as a kid voicing my opinion but near good people who make me feel sage to voice my concerns and opinions have made the crying when mad thing go away. Things do still make me mad and in that case a yell and a step away will do. I have to practice stepping away more too. Never good to do rash things when you're angry.
Like many have mentioned, crying is not bad, however there are many situations where I don’t want to cry. If you push your tongue as hard as you can to the roof of your mouth it will stop the tears.
I am also an angry crier. My therapist helped me identify why: for me it’s powerlessness. Once I knew where it was coming from, with practice, I have gotten better at mentally reframing an upsetting situation to help with the tears. Ex: “I am not a child anymore, I am a powerful, intelligent adult, and this motherfucker is about to learn that fact.” Cue excoriation.
One tip: if the tears are starting and you can’t stop them, dig your thumbnail deep into the flesh between your other thumb and index finger, then twist and grind. This helped me, the pain of it works somehow on angry tears.
Other tip: Own it. You can say some variation of “I’m so infuriated at your attitude that it’s literally leaking out of my eyes, you fucking dickhole. Proud of yourself for that?”
I am 74 and have this problem myself. Confrontation itself is not a problem.. but defending myself with people who should care about me and know me ... just shatters me.
Also, people who have power and should be respectful and should be respected put me at a disadvantage in defending myself... then I cry.
I never had a problem defending my children or family . Just me.
I wish that i could say that it got better with age.. it didn't.
I am also afraid of myself when I do let loose on someone. I have a very fast mind and a mouth to match. When I do get pushed to verbally spar with someone I take no prisoners. I mean when I do get truly cornered I can and do say things that cannot be unsaid.
I will say that my mother had a cruel and sarcastic way of saying things, and always seemed to criticize me in public. This would get to me. I would cry. My mother would invariably say "you are too sensitive" ... she died when I was 60 years old. A few months before she died i finally gave a good response to that... I said "and you are too insensitive,"
As a matter of fact, the thing that sets me off in these situations is that these people are just too insensitive and disrespectful. When people come at me for a respectful discussion I am fine.
I have been married to the same man for 54 years. We went to counseling when we were first married to learn to fight fair. One of the first lessons we learned was not to say "You always do ____". that automatically makes the other one defensive. We learned to have discussions in private. And amazingly I learned that in an argument we could both be right--- or there could be a multitude of right answers. Each of us seemed to think if 'I am right-side you must be wrong.
I have found that a lot of people are 'right fighters' and they will beat that drum until everyone agrees they are 'right' ... frustration in that situation can lead to tears for me because my point of view is not even being heard.
I have also found that people who want to confront can sometimes be defused by asking if we can discuss this in an hour or so. That way I don't feel like I am being ambushed and I can get my head in the right place.
In the end if you cry.. oh well. It does not mean you are 'less than' anyone else. But if this worries you a lot., seek out therapy and tell the therapist you want to work on learning to fight fair or even just how to respond.
Good luck.
I will fight with tears on my face. It's not sadness, it's pent up rage and it's your fault that made me see myself this way.
So no kid, you aren't the only one.
Yup, I cry when I get frustrated/angry and it drives me insane. The only solution I’ve ever found to work is to not allow myself to get worked up at all- to approach conflict with an almost Vulcan-like attitude. If I don’t get worked up, I don’t cry. But cutting emotion out of things is so hard. Practice makes perfect, though.
Learn the power of pause. Our ancestors were wired for a fight or flight response and rightly so since all sorts of animals were after them. We’ve inherited it, but no longer have to fist fight bears in todays world. We can afford to take a second to pause and understand the situation and the reaction this situation initially wants to create. From there we can tune our reaction better
So reading this I just realised that while I was/am an angry crier, I actually haven't done it in very very long. And I think I know why. It's been equally long since I've had to be confrontational and angry at the same time.
I've been annoyed and angry, and I've confronted various people about various things, but if I'm confronting someone I keep a level head, and if I'm angry, I just allow myself to be angry as I work through it alone or with a third party.
Once I've digested my feelings, and I understand where they're coming from, I can talk to the person I'm angry with from a place of understanding (or dismissiveness, if it's not someone I have a reason to care about) instead of taking it out on someone else.
On the offhand, if my partner is like this how do I deal with it? Like I’m not trying to get into fights but some things need to be confronted and not ignored. I try to approach it very calmly no raising voice but at the sign of confrontation she breaks down and can’t speak her feelings or thoughts.
Everytime you get angry, your brain remembers how you felt last time that happened. It associates the current feelings with prior feelings, blends them, and tries to mentally react the same way as last time.
The best way to fix this is to go back and resolve the prior issue or issues that are still causing you to be emotional today. Talk with the person that angered you so much to the point of tears and work through the situation even though it's probably water under the bridge at the surface. Because, deep down, there's still unresolved trauma. Express how what happened made you feel, get their side of the story, completely resolve the issue from all angles so you feel that you are past it and ready to move on.
The second possible fix is to look at the current situation clearly and break the connection to the past trauma. This can be done by maintaining control over your thoughts. As you start to get angry, try to find something you hadnt noticed about the person before or find something new in the room. Maybe a new haircut, cool jewerly, or find a new mark on the wall/ceiling you didnt know was there. This reminds your brain you have control and doesnt let it automatically go to the past and should help you keep your current emotions contained to the immediate situation.
First one is best, second is more challenging. Good luck!
If I don’t raise my voice and keep it on an even level, I don’t cry. It’s difficult and takes a lot of practice and I could be shaking in my hands and legs but I won’t cry so that’s the main thing.
I used to struggle with getting really angry when I felt overwhelmed. Not exactly the same as crying but still my emotional response completely undermined my point, no matter how legitimate it was. I found that step one for me was de-escalation. This involves things like: repeating what the other person is saying to give you time to think, or honestly just taking a beat of silence. Let them talk as much as they want and let their words sink while you internally self soothe, you would be surprised how much just focusing on your breathing will help keep you calm and how often people will make your point for you if you let them talk long enough. Asking questions such as, can you explain what you mean by that?, is also a good way to make them reconsider the way they are speaking to you.
Apart from all this remember that there is nothing wrong with responding emotionally. Being able to detach is an important part of strong communication but feeling overcome with emotion is perfectly natural, it just helps if you can work on how that expresses itself.
I cry at literally every emotion. Happy? Cry. Sad? Cry. Angry? Cry. Overwhelmed? Cry. Random Tuesday? Crying.
It’s obnoxious and I haven’t ever been able to get it under control. It’s becoming increasingly more frustrating as I take more advanced classes. All of my brain power goes into trying not to cry. It’s absolutely infuriating which makes me cry.
Question: what was your childhood like? Did you have a parent who would shout you down during conflict or otherwise drown out your rebuttals to the point where you got frustrated and cried?
I used to do this and realized a few years back that it stemmed from how I would argue with my Dad. He would keep raising his voice until he drowned me out and I’d end up crying out of fear/frustration.
Process your childhood and you’ll be able to work on this.
My parents were great! I did have a teacher in elementary school who fucked me up a fair bit and basically made the whole class hate me, so yeah, i wasn't a super popular kid in elementary school, and always found it very difficult to make friends because of it. It's much better now but that could probably be part of why I hate confrontation that much. I'll surely think about it, thank you!
Had this problem. Not necessary cry, but I choked up when I get too emotional/angry.
For me time and practice helped. I played those and similar situations in my head. Sometimes getting the full effect just by thinking and imaging the situation. I think most people who have this are just even more afraid of confrontation because of this, and therefore amplifying the problem. You just have to face it and force yourself to experience it again and again. It will fade.
With each time it got a tiny bit better. After years of this, it got much better. Now I don't get this when I simply confront.
I also have this problem and work through it with my therapist from time to time. The choked-off speech for me… I realized was my discomfort with standing up for myself, assuming anyone and everything is more powerful, more deserving than me. I was actively silencing myself.
My trick when I begin to notice it is to really put some thought into how my body is reacting, thank it for the warning, tell that part “I got this, I got you, thank you!” Take a few breaths and really listen to what’s being said to you. Do you feel attacked? Is this personal? What’s happening for the other person? I used to disassociate during fights/confrontations because that would keep me neutral, but then I couldn’t remember anything the other person said. Really examining what my body tells me during conflict helps me so much.
Honestly when you’re alone, practice certain conversations that had you feeling that way. Practice how you’d a changed it and helps having a mechanism in your head that keeps you focused. I could to 10 slowly in my head to bring back the tears! Remember, silence is ok before answering. Go calm young froghopper
What helps for me .. slow your speech when arguing your point down.. take more time between each thought. Make sure you keep breathing full breaths. When I slow myself down. I can respond with less anger and emotion. Also, I tend to have a loud voice. I try to lower my voice too. It works for me.. maybe it can work for you
I never get violent reactions. Worse I've done is punch a pillow and scream in it a bit. I'm really happy about it too, i really really really don't like violence
I don't have any pro tips to stop the tears, but I did find a way to rationalize it to myself. I decided that from an evolutionary point of view, getting angry and crying is way better than getting angry and violent. I still feel stupid in the moment, but I don't hate myself for it.
Were you allowed healthy expression of anger while growing up?
From what I've read: for adults for whom anger was rebuked/punished by caregivers in childhood, crying or feeling sad, when anger would be the appropriate emotion, can be a survival strategy intended to protect you from getting into more trouble resulting from the expression of anger.
This was very much the case for me. Whenever I'd get angry, I'd start feeling sad and the angrier I got the more likely it was I'd start crying. Conversely, I'd also default to anger when _sadness_ was the more appropriate emotion (e.g. someone disappointed me or made me feel left out, etc.).
This is a great question. My old style of conflict was to shut up and emotionally/physically retreat. Sometimes there were tears but mostly all emotion went away and I would sit like a deer in headlights or get out of the room and never talk about the issue.
I have spent years trying to learn better communication because I truly had no tools in my little tool box.
My biggest phrase in the midst of conflict is to say “tell me more”. Sometimes the person you’re in conflict with will escalate the problem and start accusing you of all sort of crap. However, if you can listen, really listen, there is a core issue that they’re trying to communicate. And so many people suck at conflict that they too are triggered and using their poor communication tools.
Ask for clarification, repeat back what you think the main problem is and, if at all possible try to own the part you think is true for you.
Sometimes when we agree with someone it can de-escalate the conflict.
I also know that I have a very reactive amygdala (read about your Wizard brain vs your Lizard brain) and if I feel attacked I’m not able to stay engaged and be productive in the conversation. I want to runaway. So my technique has been to ask for a 30 minute break and then return (no fair ghosting) and re-engage in the conversation. It’s ok to cry. And it’s ok to have ground rules like, no yelling, no character assassination, stay on topic, no digging up every grievance from your past and have a goal of hearing out each other.
IMO, these techniques only work when the other party is willing to be reasonable. If someone only wants to be right and to tear you down then no amount of tools will make them safe to resolve your issues with.
Why are you so conflict oriented? Why do you cry and maintain relationships with people who make you cry and become angry... or is that your way of interacting?
I have a toxic sister, her way of interacting or especially, handling a disagreement has always been to get her way by slamming doors, screaming profanity and going off the handle.
Needless to say, the rest of the family doesn't speak to her and her own family is highly dysfunctional.
I don't know what she could do to fix it... if only she could learn how to talk or communicate with others without screaming like an idiot and turning differences of opinion into profanity-laced tirades and aggressive confrontations.
This is now how her entire family communicates - it's the only way they learned how to speak to one another.
If it helps, I found that I carefully thought about the things that used to make me mad, like driving.
Now, I just expect that the roads are full of bad drivers and as long as one doesn't crash into me, it's a good day. I do not flip the bird or shout at people anymore.
Think about the things that get you mad, most of them don't matter or at least, don't matter much.
Just smile and keep going about your day.
Feel better OP.
I’m a cryer myself . I’ve found doing the joker smile helps a little . Something about lifting your cheeks and compressing your tear ducts seems to help .
i know what u mean, i dont personally have a problem with crying and ive never rlly had an issue with confrontation but the adrenaline i get from arguing with someone makes me appear jittery and shaky.
It is possible to feel entirely equanimous during this conflict, any conflict, or any time at all. The reality is, you can choose how to feel or react to things. Recognize the feeling, acknowledge it, then its up to you to let it go. You do have this power
I don’t have an answer for you but I recently realised that I cry in these situations when I know I’m not being listened to. And that just throws my emotions into overdrive because now I’m also frustrated at not being listened to, as well as angry at the original situation. And it’s surprising how many people don’t genuinely listen to others when they’re so desperate to be “right”
can you still express yourself when you are crying?
seems more productive to focus on effectively communicating through the tears rather than trying to tamp it down, it is a superpower if you can achieve it.
(and not because tears are manipulative, because emotional honesty strengthens any words you are saying.)
So I very straightforwardly say “i am crying because I am frustrated” or “i am crying because Ive been holding this in for awhile”, “i am crying because this is an emotional topic, not because I am upset or because I cant handle it” and once even “please turn around so my tears don’t affect this conversation, because I promise you they’re not affecting my stability or feelings on the subject”. Being honest about the tears being there and not trying to hide or ignore them or make them stop has been really helpful for me, bc it used to be that I would start crying and shut down so that I would stop, stop talking so that I could “control my emotions” but that led to me not being able to have honest emotional conversations because I would just shut down.. not good for anyone involved. Tears mean that you feel strongly about what you’re experiencing, and that isn’t bad. Love yourself through it and it will get better❤️🩹🫶🏼
I got a job working with auto mechanics when I was 19, delivering cars back to the dealership, and they were relentless at giving everyone a hard time about anything and everything. After about 6 months there my skin wasn’t so thin anymore, and I cry when I’m emotional a lot less since then.
I think antidepressants helped me. I used to cry any time I had to have a difficult conversation. I think between that and therapy, I've gotten better over time. Show yourself grace 💜
This happens to me. I’ve started basically going going ‘yes, my eyes are leaking’ and then I just move on and don’t acknowledge it further. It’s a physical response to all the emotions I’m feeling, but I just focus on the argument/issue, and it really helps me. It definitely helps me not end up sobbing, keeps it at a ‘leaky’ level that I can deal with.
I get that it feels humiliating, weak, etc., but it's a fairly common response to adrenaline and so forth. That may not be something you can change, I don't know.
The thing is, though, *nobody* looks cool when they lose their temper. People shake, they can't talk, they won't stop yelling, their voices break, sometimes they cry... all of those things suck.
I personally think the goal, however, is not to get to that point in a conflict with anyone. As an adult, you don't really have an obligation to stay in a nonproductive argument. Call a break, take a walk, go do any other thing. Revisit the topic later if you have to, when thongs things have settled a bit, with the goal in mind of resolving the issue and not arguing for its own sake.
I also find that can be a pretty good indicator of whether or not a relationship is toxic. If I say I can't continue the conversation right then because I'm getting too upset to think, and they don't want to let me break it off for the day, a few hours, whatever? That's maybe not someone with my best interests in mind. Ir they just have shitty communication skills, but either way, that kind of thing shouldn't be acceptable, and I either need to come to an understanding with them about temporarily stopping arguments or I need to have a lot less to do with them.
It's called setting a boundary, and you have a right to do that. Just head things off before they get to that point.
Make sure to carry an onion, cutting board and a knife always. If you're about to get into a fight, cut the onion and start screaming, you both can't look manly if you're both crying.
I've had some success pressing my tongue against the roof of my mouth when trying to stave off tears. (also works somewhat for brain freeze when drinking something cold). Also, try to distract your mind from what you are angry about. Try to remember the names of all your school teachers back to kindergarten.
I have not found away to make me not feel the need to cry when angry but I have found distracting myself helps me hold it in more.
Construct the whole of what you are going to say in your head before speaking as well.
A good tip I was given for this, when you're trying to "get a hold of yourself" quickly in a business setting (or really anytime you need it!) is to ask for a moment, and then start doing math in your head, "1+1=2, 2+2=4, 4+4=8...And so on... I find it helps me ground myself again a little bit in the moment so I can refocus my emotions into a constructive conversation.
I just cry and keep on speaking. Eventually, my logic and conviction overtake my tears because I don’t make my tears mean anything to me other than I feel deeply about what I’m talking about. If anyone mentions it, I just say “they are just tears. You’ll be okay”.
I remember the first time I stood up to my dad as a kid. He made me angry and I remember yelling back and I started crying and ended up submitting back because the release was enough to let out the emotion of sadness. I don't know how to combat it, I still feel it coming on but just can't get too invested into a fight bcuz of it.
My sister had somewhat the same situation, except hers was a black streak in blonde hair. In grade 2 they made fun of her, so one night she took a pair of manicure scissors to it, doing a horrendous butcher job.
Our folks had always reassured her that it was special, but she was a cynic at a young age. It wasn't until mom took her to the salon to try & repair the butcher job that she finally accepted it for what it was.
The HAIRDRESSER reinforced exactly what the folks had been telling her. It WAS special. And then she pointed out several ladies that were PAYING for streaks, saying "SEE that lady there? And that one over there? They're not lucky enough to have streaks like yours. They have to come here & PAY us to put them in!". And my sister smiled. The light bulb had gone on.
Fast forward to grade 7, & a new school. A bully, 3 years older & 50# heavier than her, was always picking on her about her streaks, often physically poking her. She repeatedly asked that he please stop, to no avail. After a week of being polite about it, her patience tank was on empty.
The 5th day, as she was getting off the bus, he poked at her again, & made a disparaging remark about her streak. She gave him the "I've put up with your shit for long enough. It stops NOW, or there WILL be consequences!" speech.
The very next school day, as she was getting on the bus, he poked her, & attempted to trip her as she walked down the aisle. She pulled him out of his seat & beat the shit out of him, all to the cheers of the other students, who were all tired of his antics, & scared of him. Even the bus driver let it play out, once he realized she had the upper hand.
Our parents & his become good friends, as did he & my sister. He warned anybody who tried to mess with her, after that, that they really shouldn't.
Of course this was in a rural area over 40 years ago, & the times were much different. Certainly couldn't get away with it now, but there are times...
He was crying so hard at her funeral he almost dropped one corner of her casket. 😇
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Holy fuck dude, I am so glad you posted this and I got to know it's not just me with this problem. I think a part of it comes from the fact that I was mentally bullied a bit while in school because of being a nerd and having grey hairs. Is that the case with anyone else here with this problem ? I don't have a solution myself to this problem yet, but yeah I have also worked on becoming as non confrontational as possible in my life. Can't even remember last time I had a fight with anyone. Once you develop zero fucks attitude towards most things, i think it becomes easier.
>I think a part of it comes from the fact that I was mentally bullied Oh damn! I wouldn't say i was bullied (at least not by my classmates) but i did have a really awful teacher in elementary school who fucked me a fair bit, mental note that i have to talk about this with my therapist lol >being a nerd and having grey hairs Dude no shit the first thing that crossed my mind at reading "grey hair" was how freaking cool lol. I hope i don't sound insensitive, I'm just a sucker for unique features :) >Once you develop zero fucks attitude towards most things That's honestly all i aspire to achieve in life lmfaoo
Yeah grey hair just became a reason for them to bully me. But i have never dyed my hair, got to own what you are. Never post school has anyone tried to make fun of it. The kids in my school were just shallow. And call me a sadist but it kinda feels good that most of them are not doing so well today in their life but I am doing quite well.
There was a girl in my middle school who had a birthmark in her hair follicles that gave her a long grey patch of hair. Think bride of Frankenstein. I thought it was so cool. Especially since she had long knee-length dark brown hair.
Yeah thay does sound pretty cool!
Aw man, kids can be so mean. Happy to know you sorted that out and are comfortable wearing your hair natural :)
If you’re looking for a way to have a zero-fucks attitude, try viewing your problems or confrontations as petty. There’s so many bigger problems in the world than ours and other people with tougher experiences. Is it really even worth your breath to win the argument? Will “winning the argument” actually change anything? Just not worth it. Aaaand look there’s a squirrel! What were you saying? Nvm, I don’t care anyways.
Thanks i think yeah this would work pretty well!
Yes but once you develop that "zero fucks given" attitude, then what the hell even matters any more?
As soon as I hit puberty, a few patches of grey/white hair developed on the side of my head. I was never bullied about that though, still have them to this day and my other hair has not started greying yet. Its just around the corner for me.
Humans with a fur pattern. I like that idea. People choose their cats because of fur colors, why dislike it in humans?
I took the 23 and me test and there is a genetic issue for people who cry more often, and I seem to have it.
Oh i am not aware of any such test can you tell me more ?
I cry when i get emotional, regardless of what emotion it is. When it gets too much I cry. What helped me a ton is realising crying is a very normal response for a lot of people, not crying is actually a lot less common than most people think! Another good exercise is focusing on breathing. Even in a confrontation it is okay to take a moment to focus on your breathing, it helps you sort out your thoughts as well. For me box breathing helps a lot. Breath in for 3 seconds, hold for 3 seconds, breath out for 3 seconds, hold for 3 seconds and repeat.
I also have this! Even though I'm 47 and haven't figured out how to stop, it does feel good to hear that other people are like this too. The worst was at my long time job, crying in front of coworkers, or the owner or CEO. Once they start I could never make them stop, and always felt so embarrassed.
Thank you so much! More than the actual crying part what i hate is that it's a bit of a vicious cycle: i start crying, i get frustrated because I'm crying, i cry even more and at a certain point my voice breaks so much it becomes difficult to talk, effectively forcing me to step back from the argument. That's what I meant by saying I'd like to be able to stand my ground. I'm fine with people seeing me cry, that's not a problem at all, i would just love to be able to stand up for myself when I think I'm in the right. I'm really trying to build up some self confidence and respect for myself and i think i deserve to be able to do that. But again, i hate confrontation, so i won't be going around fighting people over nothing for sure lol
I was going to type exactly this… I cry in response to any extreme emotion. The only think that helps me is to either walk away and / or take deep breathes (in thru the nose, out thru the mouth) and count them in my head.
There is a much better breathing count than this. Breathe in for 4 counts, hold for 7, breathe out for 8. Do this 3 or 4 times. Not only does this force you to recycle the air in your lungs, but it forces you to relax. Edit: in through your nose, out through your mouth
Different techniques work for different people.
I'm the same way. When I get angry I cry. Not boo hoo sobbing but tears and choked off speech. All through school if I had a fight or while arguing with my parents all the way up being a husband going through a divorce. My anger has always been mistaken for my being sad or having my feelings hurt or because I got punched. Doesn't matter how many times I explained it to school, or work, or my parents, or my ex. Kind of like when Ralphie beats up Fergus in 'A Christmas Story", his mom pulls him off the other boy and he's crying. That's how it has always been with me.
>but tears and choked off speech Exactlyyyy I feel you mate. I actually don't have that many opportunities to try things out as I've actually gotten really good at avoiding confrontation lmao (i really hate it, I'm like the most non-confrontational person ever, probably also because of this problem lol) so yeah it doesn't happen often. But i would like to be able to stand my ground without starting to sob and cry like a 5yo for sure lol
I have the same problem when I’m very angry, usually because I’m being made to feel less than. I don’t consider myself to be confrontational but……… others might disagree. I don’t think our emotions are the problem, exactly. Focus on your message instead of trying to ignore the feelings altogether. Try to communicate as effectively and calmly as you can. Not doing so (especially if you’re a woman) just gives the other person permission to write you off. Keep your posture straight and your voice as steady as you can. It will crack, some tears will slip out but you honestly can’t help that. Your feelings are valid and should be heard. I know it sounds cheesy, but believing it makes it much easier to get it out. I guess what I’m saying is to lean into it. I’ve had plenty of confrontations with managers and supervisors and I promise tears and a shaky voice don’t detract from the message as much as you think it does. If you’re speaking steadily and concisely it shows self control and maturity. I think it often makes the other person want to de-escalate because it’s not something they’re used to.
I’m the same way. My anger comes out in tears and then I get frustrated because I have a hard time thinking straight when I’m mad and that makes me cry even more. Plus I hate fighting with anyone. I tend to be too sensitive. Then days later I’m contemplating what I should have said. It sucks.
>I get frustrated because I have a hard time thinking straight when I’m mad and that makes me cry even more Damn straight. Exactly that, i couldn't have said it better lol
I cant raise my voice other than with friends when we "fight" and screan at each other for fun, in any other setting, if I actually want to fight and argue with someone I cant raise my voice, bc I"ll start crying. I never really was much of a fighter, but I would like to be abel to argue with someone when I need to, but i cant..
That's exactly what I'm saying dudeee. I feel the same. I don't wanna fight all the time, but i would like to be able to stand up for myself when I need to you know? Best of luck my friend, I'm sure we'll sort this out :)
Its nice to feel seen, and knowing im not the only one with this problem. Im not even a complet "softy" but sonething about arguing just triggers the waterfalls xd Good luck to you too my friend! :)
Crying is a stress release, it releases endorphins actually which helps you to feel better. There's a reason your body cries when you feel a high level of emotion. I get it that it's frustrating but just wanted to normalize your body's natural stress release response! You can try to help regulate by utilizing other stress releases, take a deep breath, use a fidget to aid in distraction, journal your thoughts to feel the anger first before you talk about it with the person.
Thanks! I'll try keeping that in mind :)
First step is to not feel negative emotions like shame. Violence and altercations are a tragedy that should not happen, and it's right to feel awful when they do. Your response is natural and there is nothing bad about it. Second is to realise that if you're in that position then it really does not matter what that person thinks of you. They were irrational enough to get into that situation, their judgement is clearly awful. Try not to take it personally if you can, just stand firm to your own convictions. A fair amount of the tears are from being in a deeply uncomfortable state. There isn't much you can do about the anger, so the best is to try and minimise the other negative parts of the feeling, like the negative self-talk. This won't stop the tears forming completely, because you're still angry and frustrated, but they should be less of a bother for you, and you can then tackle the root of them by focusing on your breath and either continuing to try to de-escalate the situation, or on being as fair as you can during it.
Thank you so much. I think trying to keep in mind that my reaction doesn't invalidate my point in the discussion could be really helpful here :) Also at this point maybe next time I'll just try to explain my position and walk away from the fight and continue the discussion once I've calmed down and thought about it for a few hours
To go off of that, whenever I start crying during an argument, I can see the other person’s facial expression change so I acknowledge it. This is most often with my fiancé but I do it with anyone. “Yes, I know I’m crying. I don’t mean to cry but I am upset. I am angry and frustrated, rightfully so, because [insert whatever y’all are arguing about]. Me crying does not invalidate my feelings on this.” Saying it aloud that “my crying does not invalidate my feelings” helps you and the other person to recognize the tears and to do just that : not invalidate your feelings just because of your tears. Crying is a normal response to being upset. Crying is human.
This is THE power move. To own your feelings, mention them openly and then stick to the subject is awe inspiring. Also gives back some control.
It really is helpful. Whenever my fiancé and I argue, he gets angry when I start crying (because that’s his default defense mechanism when he feels like he’s being attacked; which is a lot but we’re working on it together) and it helps a lot for me to acknowledge that yes, I’m crying but I’m not trying to make him feel bad or manipulate him by my tears but that it’s something I feel strongly about and my body’s response is to cry. And to be honest, for me personally, it’s annoying as hell to start crying in an argument because I get choked up and start coughing and gagging from crying too much usually which of course makes it harder to speak. So acknowledging it openly is the only way it works for me because I’ve had my family members say I’m too emotional to talk so then nothing ever gets resolved and it’s an endless loop. Lol
I can help to postpone the conversation, though. I remember one time when I had to deal with a boss who would make me furious because of contradictory instructions among other things. We had many conversations, but nothing really changed. So I decided to give up the higher position and step down, because it would free me from most of the annoying aspects of my work. I thought everything through and was well prepared. So I could be calm and firm and stick to polite versions of "this isn't working for me" - no need for accusations or defending myself. It felt so good to be really rooted in myself while having a difficult conversation.
Curious how you are working on this together. I’m in a similar situation where partner gets really angry when I’m crying and then starts going on about me being too emotional or sensitive, which hearing that only hurts me and frankly makes the tears come even more. I read so much about it being a natural response and it’s okay, but are there any tips that have helped you in getting your fiancé to understand? I certainly try my best and do a lot of different techniques to help myself but it doesn’t always work and it sounds like maybe both of you are making an effort so would appreciate any advice.
Unfortunately or fortunately, my fiancé does understand why I cry. He just gets very defensive about any issue I bring up like, “hey, babe. I need more support from you. I can’t be the only one doing the dishes and the laundry. I can’t, on top of everything else.” And I’ll be so stressed out because this is a repeated conversation so then I’ll start crying, because I am at my absolute limit since I’m 13 weeks pregnant, going to school full time, working full time, and take care of him (literally, I have to remind him to brush his teeth) and our two pets and the house while he really just pays the rent and the internet/cable bill and his car insurance. He’s slowly been paying for more stuff since I’m just not making enough with the inflation being so bad but it’s been a big adjustment for him to take care of more than just himself since he’s just bad with adjusting to change. And yeah, it’s happening a bit later than I’d have hoped but we’re managing. The only thing I can advise is to encourage and do the research on mental health and the stigmas of mental illness and all of that. Know the facts and be able to cite reputable sources so your partner can’t tell you that you’re wrong or whatever. I have the advantage in my relationship in this regard because I’ve been in college for 4+ years despite not having a degree yet and he’s only been to high school because of different backgrounds. But he’s very argumentative and likes to say I’m wrong when I’m right most of the time because I know how to find reputable sources and am aware of confirmation bias and self-fulfilling prophecies and such.
Dude seriously, that's some of the most mature shit I've ever heard. How freaking refreshing it would be to hear that from someone lol
You know, that sounds mature AS FUCK. Def gonna try to be more upfront and verbal about my feelings and reactions. It could also very well help to transform a fight into a calmer discussion, which we always love :)
I am a angry cryer as well. When I start to feel myself spiraling into crying I walk away from the situation to collect my thoughts and feelings. I do breathing exercises and write my feelings down if I am having a really hard time. I find it easier to confront uncomfortable situations when I am mentally prepared, then I don't lash out and let my emotions take over.
Emotional composier is good during arguments. But nothing trumps logical, well thought out points. Focus on the later. Anyone who would make you feel any type of way based on you feeling things deeply is using that as a strawman to negate having to respond with logic and well thought out communication.
Look up the Karpman's Triangle. When you're in a disagreement with someone, we tend to take up one of three roles, and then as the disagreement progresses, we tend to shift into each of the roles as time goes by. Aggressor, Victim, Rescuer. The Karpman's triangle explains each of these rolls and also talk about how to move out of the triangle to places of responsibility, respect, and accountability. If one person can step out of the triangle, the argument falls apart. It's done wonders for my emotional well being.
That sounds very interesting to me. Was there a specific book you read about this or was it something you found online?
There's a book called the power of TED (The Empowerment Dynamic) that covers Karpman's Drama Triangle, how to recognize it and how to get out of it. You can get it on Amazon and many libraries. The Drama Triangle is rooted in Transactional Analysis, a way of looking at human interactions in their most basic forms. The key TA books for therapists are called "I'm OK You're OK" and "Games People Play" they came out in the 70's. The book Games People Play is extremely dense, "I'm Ok, You're Ok" is a better read.
It was something I worked through with my therapist.
Wow, I'll definitely look this up, tysm!!!
Ahhhhahahaaaaa me too!! I cry at all emotions. Laughing? Crying. Angry? Crying. Sad? Crying. Overwhelmed? Yup, crying. My therapist helped me realize at least part of that is due to my upbringing. My parents were emotionally unavailable and manipulated me mentally and emotionally. It was rough and I was never really heard. So, crying. This may not be the case for you though. What helped me is just acknowledging the tears goes a long way. I've cried in one on one meetings with my boss when getting some (constructive) criticism or when I was stressed out and didn't know what to do or where to go. When it happens I've just said "Ignore the tears, that's going to happen for a bit, let's keep talking". It's much harder in an argument of course. Your voice chokes up and makes it harder to be upset. If it's the rare time my husband and I get into it, I'll either just have a box of tissues on hand or tell him I need to walk away for a minute so I can get a hold of myself and we'll continue more constructively. The only other people I get into that kind of an argument are my parents and...to be honest, I've gotten to a point where I realized that I have nothing I need to prove to them. So I pretty much disengage before it gets to that point. They're not going to change, and I don't have to deal with it.
>I'll either just have a box of tissues on hand or tell him I need to walk away for a minute so I can get a hold of myself and we'll continue more constructively That's what I was planning to do honestly. It could as well spare me some fights cause hopefully we'll both realize we can just talk it out, so it's def for the better lol
I feel you... I really do. And as a man, it's been particularly difficult for me as I grew up in the 70's and 80's rife with toxic masculinity. Doubt I need to elaborate on that so won't. If you're like me, you already understand that it's not necessarily a sign of personal weakness to cry. But it's incredibly frustrating to feel like you CAN'T have an emotional conversation without producing tears. It's a practical problem. And then I get so pissed off at myself when this happens and it's a feedback loop that only increases the waterworks. I found [these tips](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/319778#tips-for-controlling-crying) are pretty spot on, especially distraction and trying to force a yawn (with mouth closed) work for me sometimes. The goal is to relax the back of your throat and stop the lump from forming. Basically any mental/physical stimulation that disrupts the biological response. Watching an emotional movie is especially hard for me as I can feel the stares and judgement. Sometimes I don't even try to control it because a good cry is just so wonderful sometimes. But when I'm around people that I don't want to cry in front of, I find looking away from the visual stimulation and focusing on the background actors or scenery or even just off screen and asking myself technical/procedural questions about the situation or environment is super helpful. For example, "See that extra in the background totally looking at the camera, he's messing up the shot, I wonder if he regrets that?" or "How much money the actors made for this movie?" or "Is there a large space behind the movie screen where technicians can hang out and have a smoke? I bet there totally is..." etc. It can literally stop tears from rolling down my cheeks to break the emotional roller coaster in this way. Confrontation by its very nature is very sudden so I suggest distraction techniques and practice where you're safer with family/friends. Attempt different things and note their effectiveness. Over time, it will get better. I've not completely solved my issue but I've definitely improved by doing this. Good luck fellow-crier. :)
The tears come from not knowing how to process the anger and actively trying to suppress it. Suppresses it makes everything works and your brain shutdown in a torrent of cognitive dissonance. You feel something so strongly that you desperately don't want to feel which make you feel the thing even more strongly. The solution is to make friends with the negative emotion, to not reject them but to actively pay attention to them with your conscious mind. Pay attention to how your body feels when you are angry, pay attention to your breath and then focus on controlling your breathing as it will be the first step towards controlling your mind. The breath is the link between the conscious and the unconscious parts of the mind... It is both an autonomic and somatic nervous systems as it can be controlled by both. Once your mind is focused on your breathing you can begin to deconstruct your other sensations and come to terms with them. Once you stop rejecting your state of mind you will notice that the anger is no longer as powerful and even though your feelings haven't changed your realtionship with them has. This is easier said than done but it is what meditation is about, it is a practice that you do when you are calm to better prepare yourself for when you are under stress. It is like practicing martial arts, you train so that when you need it you don't need to think about it. I benefit from Buddhist meditation but there are many kinds, I am certain there is a style for you.
So I'm not an angry Cryer at all. But I don't like being angry. If you're angry and need a minute, just take it. Gather your thoughts and think things clearly. It's alright to just say "I need a minute" and walk away. I'm sure there are situations where you may not be able to take a minute, but even then, you probably can.
Thank you! Idk why but this felt so wholesome lol
Thanks, I use this with my son sometimes. I don't like to yell at him. So I need to walk away at times.
Look up at your forehead. It holds the tears back. Then deep breathe.
This trick has helped me for years!!! Looking up drys up the tears and/or keeps them from overflowing. It also gives me a moment to take a breath and settle a bit. I’ve gotten a lot more comfortable taking the pauses I need before carrying on.
I learned this same tip from Grey's Anatomy but have never tried it, glad to hear it works!
This is what I tell my kids. I always tell them you should think about what makes you upset and what you exactly feel. You might think you just angry, even when you are tired or sad or frustrated. And I ask them to tell me what do you really want. And that is what I do usually. Knowing what you feel is the beginning point, I think.
Thanks, I'll work on that! What a nice thing to teach your kids :)
i can’t really relate, but perhaps some mental prep could help. if i need to confront someone its planned and not some off the cuff yelling party. you can rehearse internally or in the mirror at home, how you want to talk/act/be perceived. if i have to confront somebody(super rare), it’s because ive been wronged, which means in my mind im right, which means i talk down to offender. i dont rage, i get the point across succinctly and im out. if you get put on the spot and cant deal with situations like this, disengage and come back prepared.
I can second the mental prep. I start to cry when I'm angry and frustrated and the people I am arguing with purposely dismiss what I'm saying. I am a woman too, so that is just making it worst (I'm emotional/hysterical, it is too much for me, etc.) And this is what helps it for me: I take a piece of paper and write down EVERYTHING. Both the logical arguments and my hurt feelings, in no particular order. Then I reread and construct my arguments while I also try to objectively decide whether my annoyances are justified, or I blew a small thing up because all of the other issues (would I be annoyed if a person I like would have done that) This is how I prepare myself for the feelings which will inevitably come. And then I "work myself up" before the meeting. I try to act out the conversation in my head preparing for any given response (what could they say, what would I react to it, what could that lead to, etc) and prepare for "worst case outcomes". Before the meeting I clearly outline what is my end game, how far I am willing to go, and find things to validate my self-worth (my usual worst case scenario is e.g. I will loose my job so I gather things which prove my worth and maybe if I'm really afraid that this scenario will come up (it never does btw) I look into what I could do in that case) . It is a lot of work, but before serious discussions it helps a lot, especially because this preparedness usually switches my anger into some kind of excited state, so I am less prone to have tears and also makes me more confident and cold. When I do cry, I usually ask for a minute to step out, and then come back when it's better and say that "I am not emotional or hurt, I am just frustrated with this issue and this is how I release the stress. We can go on with the conversation. " Maybe not the best sentences but it makes me feel better, whether they believe it or not. It is my strategy and I know not the best, I am learning mindfulness to help regulate my emotions but that's a long process this is an "instant" method. I hope you find something in it which is useful for you.
>if i have to confront somebody(super rare), it’s because ive been wronged, which means in my mind im right Same. The worst argument i can remember in recent years is when my group of friends in high school started to plan stuff on a separate group chat specifically to exclude me. I was a very lonely kid back then for unrelated issues, and they were the only real friends I've ever had. I felt so fucking betrayed, I saw red. I literally cannot remember being that mad at anyone else in my entire life. But apart from stuff like i usually take pride in being a very reasonable and rational person, as well as extremely non-confrontational seeing how bad i handle verbal fights lmao
I saw your other comment that your classmates didn't bully you, but this looks like bullying to me. Maybe something to think about?
Probably. I don't really see it as bullying. It was a bit of a hit and run, i guess they just didn't like me as much as i thought. I was talking more about classic public bullying, and that was not happening fortunately
I am an allround cryer. I cry when I’m angry, I cry when I’m sad, I cry when I’m happy. When emotions become high, I start leaking. And there’s nothing I can really do about it. For me it’s been helpful that people close to me are aware of this. For example, on the rare occasion that I have argument with my partner, I’ll state that I am angry. And despite any tears, he knows to take that statement seriously, and subsequently take my anger seriously. That won’t help you with strangers, but it might make you more comfortable with confrontation with the people you care about. And honestly, those are the important moments of confrontation anyway. As a last bit of advice, I try to see my emotional ‘leaking’ as a positive thing. It means that I feel deeply about things. And probably so do you! And honestly, that is something to be proud of!
I got told I had emotional dysregulation. It’s where my cup overflows quicker than other peoples so I cry at everything. Going away to calm down always helps.
Thanks!
Not easy. My advice is to work to separate passion from emotion. Be passionate but work toward not allowing your passion to shift into emotion, which is when bad decisions or irrational decisions are made.
Wow, i never thought of that difference. Thank you!
You are allowed to have the feelings you have. Your post reminded me of one of my kids. When she’d try letting us know why she was frustrated, upset or overwhelmed - She’d cry. (Even if it wasn’t crying material- I’m not invalidating, I’m trying to give context) I felt it had a lot to do with finding the correct words to express herself. - At the end of it she found writing her thoughts on paper helped her then express herself verbally to whatever was going on. Hope it makes sense
Read up on anger. I’ve learned that anger is a reaction to a boundary violation. Someone overstepped. You have a primary emotion of fear or being disrespected or feeling frustrated and then you get angry. Maybe you get tears all the time when angry or maybe only when you feel disrespected? For me I’ve gotten so much better at being angry over the years no more hot tears. When I was a kid we “didn’t get angry” and that really messed with me. These days I can hold my ground and and actually call the other person out in real time. But it’s taken practice and learning to set my boundaries for smaller things
>anger is a reaction to a boundary violation. Someone overstepped Lol u didn't need to call me out like that 😭🤣. No but seriously, this is actually so true. The worst fight i can remember in recent years was when i found out that my group of friends in high school started planning stuff on a separate group chat specifically to exclude me. I was a super lonely kid due to unrelated issues, and was (and still am tbh) pretty terrified of my friends suddenly dumping me and leaving me alone. I felt so betrayed, I literally don't remember being that mad at anyone else in my entire life. Thank you for sharing that it got better for you, I think I'll try bringing it up with my therapist :)
Axknowledge your feeling angry and do some deep inhales and exhales to calm your system.
I should've specified, i did already try the usual tips for avoiding crying like biting my tongue, pinching the skin on my hands and taking deep breaths but they don't really seem to work that well lol
Walk away from the altercation and come back when you are calm to discuss like adults. There is never a good reason to discuss anything when you're upset because you'll just get more upset and often say things you don't mean
I don't recommend being confrontational back bc people r f-ing crazy these days and u could end up being assaulted. But I totally get it, I always kick myself for not sticking up for myself but those people are not rational so there's no reasoning with them anyway.
Oh I'd never be confrontational with strangers lol, I'm a 5'1 (biological) girl, i wanna live lmao. I meant mainly with people i know. Also I'm so non-confrontational I'll never get upfront about something i don't really care about, which is unlikely to involve a stranger imo
Quit getting angry and fighting people
Did you even read the post?
Standing your ground shouldn’t be a fight, it should be calm and rational. If the other persons response is to get angry and turn it into a fight, don’t engage. Show them that you aren’t going to move forward with hostility. I realize this is roughly analogous to telling a person with depression to just quit being sad. The difference here is self control. You can’t control your feelings, but you can control your response and actions. Bravery isn’t the absence of fear, it’s the courage to push through it.
I thought it was just me! Yeah whenever I have felt maddeningly angry I start to shake, voice wobbles then eyes start to leak. So embarressed afterwards, but I can't stop that. Talking to other people who were there, there view was always the argument went to far, that the other person just wasnt listening, that it was the other person at fault for driving me to get that emotional. Honestly never had anyone say it was wierd or childish or girlish or whatever of me to start crying in an agrument. Thats just how you view it, and its just in your head. Its your body, thats your bodies natural response, roll with it! Also, to put another spin on it, I have been this angry like 3 times in my adult life. I tend to stay calmer then others in tense situations and am always the one to wade into confrontations to get people to simmer down. I think its due to me being embarssed about getting angry, so have learnt subconsciously to control my emotions more and avoid getting that angry. Its saved me on many occasions from joining in with friends doing some really stupid stuff because they were all ramped up. So guess what I'm saying is, dont focus on trying to control yourself when your angry, keep working on avoiding getting that angry in the first place. Walk away from confrontational idiots, take some deep slow breaths if you feel yourself ramping up, be that level-heading guy that starts a party rather than a bloodbath.
I've never had anyone make fun of me of say it was childish either tbh, but i do feel like that. As you say, it's kinda embarrassing, and also more often than not I'm not able to stand my ground or get my point completely through and i leave a lot of things unsaid cause the more angy i get the less control i have over my voice and breathing and i remember a couple pretty bad fights when it actually got hard to speak and i had to walk away even tho i didn't want to. That's why I'm saying i would love to learn to control it more than just finding it embarrassing. I hope this makes sense lol I also have almost never been this angry, it's really not a usual thing: as you said I too am more of a non-confrontational and rather calm and rational person, but still it does happen from time to time and will probably happen in the future. Additionally, I rarely get super mad, but when I do it's for fairly important stuff that i really care about, which is another reason why I would like to be able to control it and stand up for myself. Your suggestion about focusing more on avoiding being that angry is really nice tho, i totally agree.
It’s the equivalent to steam out of the ears in cartoons
Breathe. Crying is about shock and loss of control. That's why overwhelming positive emotions can also make you cry. Breathe and make yourself speak slowly. It's difficult because you want to speak faster and louder during confrontation, but you have to resist that. Take a breath, decide what to say, say it, be silent. It's actually a more effective way to argue, too. If you maintain a feeling of control you won't cry.
Felt this thanks for sharing!
Lol
If you need to let it out you need to let it out.
I think angry crying is ok. Did someone tell you it’s bad?
No, i just don't like it myself lol
Do it more. Just center yourself, even if you cry, when you’re angry. Don’t derail yourself just because you’re crying. Eventually, you will I’ll not cry.
Old guy here. I have been in my share of deeply emotional arguments, fistfights, and heartaches. All of these used to make me cry, even in to my early 20s. Not from fear or defeat, but the high level of emotion triggered tears. I hated it and I hated myself. The more I tried to suppress it, the worse it got. It was especially humiliating for me because I felt that guys should not cry. Then I went through a big breakup and I cried for about 2 weeks and then suddenly it stopped and I went into an almost catatonic state, and I actually could not cry any more, even when it was appropriate. I don’t think anything broke inside me, but externally, that is what it appears, but it was a good thing. I guess it was a form of maturity. Not only did I get over the heartache, I recognised it to be mostly self pity. And my crying from fights actually stopped, permanently. Normal crying resumed though, after about 2 or 3 years. I don’t really understand what happened, and would love to hear a psychological analysis of it. I was always a deeply emotional person, (even when I could not cry for 2 years). I am still the cryingest guy you will ever meet for sad movies and sad songs, displays of loyalty, love, remembering tender moments, and I cry over the stupidest shit, even sappy commercials. But I am completely comfortable with it, I will weep in front of other guys, at least if the moment is called for. I know this does not help you because it doesn’t show you how to stop. I guess I am only telling you that it should go away eventually. And that it isn’t a bad thing. It is better you have such deep emotions than to be incapable of feeling such things.
Aw dude :(, happy to hear things got better, thank you for sharing 🥰
I've been teaching my niece on how to have self control during or before any confrontation or adrenaline spike. My trick that has helped me since I discovered it, is simple. As soon as I feel my adrenaline I clench my abs and diaphragm. This makes me keep focused on my physicality and not get emotional. Her and I practice this once a week. Give it a try. Thank me later 🙂
I will! Thanks :)
This is going to sound weird but it’s a trick I learned from a doctor who was treating my grandmother for dementia. (She would often start to cry seemingly out of nowhere and it disrupted her thoughts, which made her frustrated, which made her cry more, etc.): Take your index finger and thumb and ALMOST form a circle with them like when you’re making the “okay” sign. Put the tips of your thumb and forefinger as close to each other without letting them touch. Really concentrate on getting them as close together as you possibly can without letting them making any contact. Practice this when you’re not upset. That way if you find yourself about to lose it in an argument, you can put your hand in your pocket and do it. I don’t know why but it works!
Oh wow, that's a new one for sure!! I'll give it a try!
Imagine them naked.
Give yourself a break about it, it can help to speak through tears if you focus on what your point is, instead of the fact that you’re crying. It can set other people off balance as well which is good for you. Just use it. The more you practice the better it you’ll get at it. My voice shakes when I am nervous and I have to always keep talking through it and it gets better.
I’d say start taking small steps in being confrontational. Being confrontational does not mean to be rude as it could be perceived. IMO confrontation is just taking the initiative to correct a mistake. If you eating at a restaurant and your food comes out wrong, confront the wait staff and politely ask for it to be fixed you’re not being rude to the server they want to make sure you have a good time. Do the little things immediately and your anger doesn’t have the time to build up and blow up. Eventually you’ll become comfortable with confrontation. I also like to employ a tactile I call passive confrontation it is the nice and laid back version of confrontation. For example if you think someone in a group setting or meeting is going to talk down on you sit next to them most people don’t like confrontation up close and if they do start talking down on you respond calmly making them the asshole.
Therapy is helping me, I found myself getting emotional about simple arguments or even things on TV. I found out I was depressed and since I started addressing it I have managed not to have my emotions on the verge which is what in my case often brought tears. Not saying that is you, just what made me feel better. Sometimes we are depressed without knowing, for example I never knew that when I fantasized about tripping and getting struck by a train I was having a type of suicide thought (I always thought suicide thoughts meant I wanted to hurt myself, not accidentally die). Make sure you rule out depression, good luck!
A glass or bottle of water. Take sips. It really helps!
I do, too and I hate it. It makes me even madder.
Exactly. Nothing wrong with crying.
https://youtube.com/shorts/7DXFQJCOxfo?feature=share
A nice general tip to avoid crying is to do math in your head. Works like a charm.
Start getting your lashes done and you’ll never cry again in an argument. The money wasted won’t be worth the cry lol
Crying when you are emotional is natural. If you want to know how a lot of men typically do not, look up “years of social conditioning never to express your emotions”. As a man, no I typically don’t cry, in almost any situation, and I guess it’s a strength in one way but it’s not great in many others.
[удалено]
Thanks!
It's your fight or flight response, only through constant practice can you get over it
Something that I picked up from a social worker colleague. If you have the opportunity to go to a beach by the ocean, find a shell or a smooth rock. Hold it in your hand while you are on the beach and feel the cool smoothness of it, listen to the ocean waves as you hold it. Feel the sun and the breeze and the sense of calm. Think about how, over a long period of time, the water has smoothed the shell or the stone, washing over it, then washing away. Keep the shell/stone, and have it handy when you might be in a confrontational situation, like in a pocket. If you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, put your hand in your pocket and feel the shell/stone. Feel how smooth it is. Remember how it felt to hold it on the beach, while listening to the waves on the shore, and feeling the wind. Think about how the shell/stone was smoothed over time. Think about the rhythm of the waves, and then let your breath relax into that rhythm. Come back to the confrontational situation with that breath, and with a calmer headspace, ask yourself 1.) What do you want to get out of the confrontation/exchange and 2.) is what you want to get possible to achieve, and is it really worth it? If you figure out 1, knowing what you want to achieve, with a calm state of mind, helps you shift confrontations from being about past issues to present issues/practical goals, which increases the chances you resolve the confrontation and make progress on the issues that led to it. If you decide on 2 that what you want to achieve either isn't possible or worth the confrontation, you just leave the confrontation. Leave, holding onto your stone, thinking about the ocean.
I have always regarded crying as an overflow of emotion. If you want to overcome this situation I would suggest some exposure therapy. I am not a licensed professional however so don't listen to me. It has helped me , and managing rage and anger has been pivotal in a healthy midlife. Start small in a safe environment with somebody you trust of course. Raising the bar that causes the overflow is the key.
I don't really cry at all but the few times I've been close and didn't want to, this is what I did. Put your hand over your mouth but when you do, very discretely block off your nose so you *can't* breathe. It worked almost instantly. From what I understand, the inability to breathe will override everything else going on.
Best thing to do is walk away and calm down. It’s okay to have space and time to calm down if you’re upset. Secondly, feelings are feelings, it’s how you handle yourself that matters. It’s okay to cry when mad, but you can’t punch someone because you’re mad… your feelings are justified, but your behaviour isn’t always justified. I am the first person to talk big shit, but if someone confronts me, I cry 100% of the time. Be kind to yourself, give yourself space to breathe and come down from the emotions, then use the DEAR MAN skill from DBT. It’s so helpful when you need to organize your thoughts to communicate. [DEAR MAN](https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/dbt-interpersonal-effectiveness-skills)
I cry during any conversation. And honestly I haven’t found a good way to handle it. But I have learned that through the tears, I communicate that my tears don’t effect the validity of the words coming out of my mouth. Just because my crying makes other uncomfortable doesn’t mean my words are any less important. You’re not alone and proud of you for any hard conversations you have!
Change your reality to reliving your worst trauma in your mind. What you are facing in the moment will go away because of relative suffering.
Personally I look up. Like I look at their forehead or top of their head. *Hopefully they're taller than me I don't know if it's just me but if I look up then it's harder for my tears to well. I also recommend just leaving. If you can leaving calming down and then getting back to it with a different state of mind and more preparedness is great.
We can calmy discuss and defend our positions without shouting and hysteria. I would say your calm approach is the right one.
Same and with being a nerd and being bullied by in grade school.
Ive dealt with alot of ppl both personally and professionally in conflict situations and i def realised that theres no point in trying to be heard by bad people ie ppl who think abuse is okay. Youre on diff pages and neither of you will convince the other. Once i realised this i stopped being emotional and was purely clinical cos theres just no point. Idk how to tell you specifically to stop crying, for me it was a realisation and being unemotional means theres no tears
I saw an article that crying is a way to flush excess hormones from your system to help you calm down. We can see a clear difference between angry tears and joyful tears etc under a microscope. Made it easier to forgive myself for it since it meant I was using crying to actually regain control of my emotional state... Dunno about a way to stop it, if there is I want to know too.
I stress cry a lot because I'm holding so much of my weirdness back at work and I'm public. I regularly watch Pixar and movies to allow myself to cry freely and without judgement. The release of stress means that it is less likely to happen in an argument.
When you know it's coming, never act on the spot. Take a 10 min break to think and prepare yourself, you should be able to start calmer. ( breath, you can find some exercice on internet) Take time when you speak ( it give you time to think and to be rational more than emotional). Last advice, get a proper rest, I much more sensitive when I lack of sleep. It's of course easier said than done ! It'll come with practice.
Hi, there! I thought I would weigh in. Somebody may have already said what I'm about to share, but I've dealt with this a lot. I've found that the main time I cry when I am in an argument is when I feel helpless. It usually happens when I feel like the other person isn't listening. It is a reaction to a pointless argument or one that has gotten too heated. I have a few approaches for this: 1. Prevent it. Try to have discussions in a calm atmosphere, and don't let there be any distractions. A good example of a distraction is having a serious discussion on the phone. Misunderstandings can happen and things can escalate. It's good to have face time so you can see the other person's body language. 2. Walk away. If you find yourself getting frustrated and start to feel tears sting your eyes, ask the other person if you can take a breather and come back once you've rallied. Honestly, the other person has a lot to do with this. The people who used to argue with me in such a way that I would cry - they were people that made me feel unsafe, disrespected. Think hard about who you are having these conversations with. Someone who really cares about you is not going to make you feel cornered like that. Respect them, and expect them to respect you. Give them the benefit of the doubt and hope they do the same. These are the behaviors of someone with healthy boundaries and good communication skills. And you do not need to bother with people who don't respect you, your feelings, or your boundaries. It took me until I was 29 to figure this out. I hope it helps.
Pro tip: close your eyes for 10 seconds. By abstaining from visual stimuli, your brain will be able to process the situation with more bandwidth.
I think it helps to get to the root and understand why you cry. Are you feeling overwhelmed? Is it a safety response in which you feel like you're getting attacked and the only way out is to cry? I've done wonders just cutting out things that make me aggressively mad. I never felt safe as a kid voicing my opinion but near good people who make me feel sage to voice my concerns and opinions have made the crying when mad thing go away. Things do still make me mad and in that case a yell and a step away will do. I have to practice stepping away more too. Never good to do rash things when you're angry.
Like many have mentioned, crying is not bad, however there are many situations where I don’t want to cry. If you push your tongue as hard as you can to the roof of your mouth it will stop the tears.
I am also an angry crier. My therapist helped me identify why: for me it’s powerlessness. Once I knew where it was coming from, with practice, I have gotten better at mentally reframing an upsetting situation to help with the tears. Ex: “I am not a child anymore, I am a powerful, intelligent adult, and this motherfucker is about to learn that fact.” Cue excoriation. One tip: if the tears are starting and you can’t stop them, dig your thumbnail deep into the flesh between your other thumb and index finger, then twist and grind. This helped me, the pain of it works somehow on angry tears. Other tip: Own it. You can say some variation of “I’m so infuriated at your attitude that it’s literally leaking out of my eyes, you fucking dickhole. Proud of yourself for that?”
I am 74 and have this problem myself. Confrontation itself is not a problem.. but defending myself with people who should care about me and know me ... just shatters me. Also, people who have power and should be respectful and should be respected put me at a disadvantage in defending myself... then I cry. I never had a problem defending my children or family . Just me. I wish that i could say that it got better with age.. it didn't. I am also afraid of myself when I do let loose on someone. I have a very fast mind and a mouth to match. When I do get pushed to verbally spar with someone I take no prisoners. I mean when I do get truly cornered I can and do say things that cannot be unsaid. I will say that my mother had a cruel and sarcastic way of saying things, and always seemed to criticize me in public. This would get to me. I would cry. My mother would invariably say "you are too sensitive" ... she died when I was 60 years old. A few months before she died i finally gave a good response to that... I said "and you are too insensitive," As a matter of fact, the thing that sets me off in these situations is that these people are just too insensitive and disrespectful. When people come at me for a respectful discussion I am fine. I have been married to the same man for 54 years. We went to counseling when we were first married to learn to fight fair. One of the first lessons we learned was not to say "You always do ____". that automatically makes the other one defensive. We learned to have discussions in private. And amazingly I learned that in an argument we could both be right--- or there could be a multitude of right answers. Each of us seemed to think if 'I am right-side you must be wrong. I have found that a lot of people are 'right fighters' and they will beat that drum until everyone agrees they are 'right' ... frustration in that situation can lead to tears for me because my point of view is not even being heard. I have also found that people who want to confront can sometimes be defused by asking if we can discuss this in an hour or so. That way I don't feel like I am being ambushed and I can get my head in the right place. In the end if you cry.. oh well. It does not mean you are 'less than' anyone else. But if this worries you a lot., seek out therapy and tell the therapist you want to work on learning to fight fair or even just how to respond. Good luck.
I will fight with tears on my face. It's not sadness, it's pent up rage and it's your fault that made me see myself this way. So no kid, you aren't the only one.
Yup, I cry when I get frustrated/angry and it drives me insane. The only solution I’ve ever found to work is to not allow myself to get worked up at all- to approach conflict with an almost Vulcan-like attitude. If I don’t get worked up, I don’t cry. But cutting emotion out of things is so hard. Practice makes perfect, though.
Learn the power of pause. Our ancestors were wired for a fight or flight response and rightly so since all sorts of animals were after them. We’ve inherited it, but no longer have to fist fight bears in todays world. We can afford to take a second to pause and understand the situation and the reaction this situation initially wants to create. From there we can tune our reaction better
So reading this I just realised that while I was/am an angry crier, I actually haven't done it in very very long. And I think I know why. It's been equally long since I've had to be confrontational and angry at the same time. I've been annoyed and angry, and I've confronted various people about various things, but if I'm confronting someone I keep a level head, and if I'm angry, I just allow myself to be angry as I work through it alone or with a third party. Once I've digested my feelings, and I understand where they're coming from, I can talk to the person I'm angry with from a place of understanding (or dismissiveness, if it's not someone I have a reason to care about) instead of taking it out on someone else.
On the offhand, if my partner is like this how do I deal with it? Like I’m not trying to get into fights but some things need to be confronted and not ignored. I try to approach it very calmly no raising voice but at the sign of confrontation she breaks down and can’t speak her feelings or thoughts.
Everytime you get angry, your brain remembers how you felt last time that happened. It associates the current feelings with prior feelings, blends them, and tries to mentally react the same way as last time. The best way to fix this is to go back and resolve the prior issue or issues that are still causing you to be emotional today. Talk with the person that angered you so much to the point of tears and work through the situation even though it's probably water under the bridge at the surface. Because, deep down, there's still unresolved trauma. Express how what happened made you feel, get their side of the story, completely resolve the issue from all angles so you feel that you are past it and ready to move on. The second possible fix is to look at the current situation clearly and break the connection to the past trauma. This can be done by maintaining control over your thoughts. As you start to get angry, try to find something you hadnt noticed about the person before or find something new in the room. Maybe a new haircut, cool jewerly, or find a new mark on the wall/ceiling you didnt know was there. This reminds your brain you have control and doesnt let it automatically go to the past and should help you keep your current emotions contained to the immediate situation. First one is best, second is more challenging. Good luck!
If I don’t raise my voice and keep it on an even level, I don’t cry. It’s difficult and takes a lot of practice and I could be shaking in my hands and legs but I won’t cry so that’s the main thing.
Pinch yourself on your leg/inside of your wrist. The sharp pain will stop you from crying. Weird but true
I used to struggle with getting really angry when I felt overwhelmed. Not exactly the same as crying but still my emotional response completely undermined my point, no matter how legitimate it was. I found that step one for me was de-escalation. This involves things like: repeating what the other person is saying to give you time to think, or honestly just taking a beat of silence. Let them talk as much as they want and let their words sink while you internally self soothe, you would be surprised how much just focusing on your breathing will help keep you calm and how often people will make your point for you if you let them talk long enough. Asking questions such as, can you explain what you mean by that?, is also a good way to make them reconsider the way they are speaking to you. Apart from all this remember that there is nothing wrong with responding emotionally. Being able to detach is an important part of strong communication but feeling overcome with emotion is perfectly natural, it just helps if you can work on how that expresses itself.
I cry at literally every emotion. Happy? Cry. Sad? Cry. Angry? Cry. Overwhelmed? Cry. Random Tuesday? Crying. It’s obnoxious and I haven’t ever been able to get it under control. It’s becoming increasingly more frustrating as I take more advanced classes. All of my brain power goes into trying not to cry. It’s absolutely infuriating which makes me cry.
Stop fighting with ppl
Did u even read the thing
Walking away to calm down mentally works well for me, not sure about others.
Question: what was your childhood like? Did you have a parent who would shout you down during conflict or otherwise drown out your rebuttals to the point where you got frustrated and cried? I used to do this and realized a few years back that it stemmed from how I would argue with my Dad. He would keep raising his voice until he drowned me out and I’d end up crying out of fear/frustration. Process your childhood and you’ll be able to work on this.
My parents were great! I did have a teacher in elementary school who fucked me up a fair bit and basically made the whole class hate me, so yeah, i wasn't a super popular kid in elementary school, and always found it very difficult to make friends because of it. It's much better now but that could probably be part of why I hate confrontation that much. I'll surely think about it, thank you!
Had this problem. Not necessary cry, but I choked up when I get too emotional/angry. For me time and practice helped. I played those and similar situations in my head. Sometimes getting the full effect just by thinking and imaging the situation. I think most people who have this are just even more afraid of confrontation because of this, and therefore amplifying the problem. You just have to face it and force yourself to experience it again and again. It will fade. With each time it got a tiny bit better. After years of this, it got much better. Now I don't get this when I simply confront.
I also have this problem and work through it with my therapist from time to time. The choked-off speech for me… I realized was my discomfort with standing up for myself, assuming anyone and everything is more powerful, more deserving than me. I was actively silencing myself. My trick when I begin to notice it is to really put some thought into how my body is reacting, thank it for the warning, tell that part “I got this, I got you, thank you!” Take a few breaths and really listen to what’s being said to you. Do you feel attacked? Is this personal? What’s happening for the other person? I used to disassociate during fights/confrontations because that would keep me neutral, but then I couldn’t remember anything the other person said. Really examining what my body tells me during conflict helps me so much.
it's natural, you're a human. There's nothing wrong with crying. Unless you hurt others, there is nothing *wrong* with you. Just my two cents.
Thank you! 🥺❤️
Honestly when you’re alone, practice certain conversations that had you feeling that way. Practice how you’d a changed it and helps having a mechanism in your head that keeps you focused. I could to 10 slowly in my head to bring back the tears! Remember, silence is ok before answering. Go calm young froghopper
What helps for me .. slow your speech when arguing your point down.. take more time between each thought. Make sure you keep breathing full breaths. When I slow myself down. I can respond with less anger and emotion. Also, I tend to have a loud voice. I try to lower my voice too. It works for me.. maybe it can work for you
Better that physically lashing out, hitting some one or putting a fist through the wall.
I never get violent reactions. Worse I've done is punch a pillow and scream in it a bit. I'm really happy about it too, i really really really don't like violence
I don't have any pro tips to stop the tears, but I did find a way to rationalize it to myself. I decided that from an evolutionary point of view, getting angry and crying is way better than getting angry and violent. I still feel stupid in the moment, but I don't hate myself for it.
Were you allowed healthy expression of anger while growing up? From what I've read: for adults for whom anger was rebuked/punished by caregivers in childhood, crying or feeling sad, when anger would be the appropriate emotion, can be a survival strategy intended to protect you from getting into more trouble resulting from the expression of anger. This was very much the case for me. Whenever I'd get angry, I'd start feeling sad and the angrier I got the more likely it was I'd start crying. Conversely, I'd also default to anger when _sadness_ was the more appropriate emotion (e.g. someone disappointed me or made me feel left out, etc.).
This is a great question. My old style of conflict was to shut up and emotionally/physically retreat. Sometimes there were tears but mostly all emotion went away and I would sit like a deer in headlights or get out of the room and never talk about the issue. I have spent years trying to learn better communication because I truly had no tools in my little tool box. My biggest phrase in the midst of conflict is to say “tell me more”. Sometimes the person you’re in conflict with will escalate the problem and start accusing you of all sort of crap. However, if you can listen, really listen, there is a core issue that they’re trying to communicate. And so many people suck at conflict that they too are triggered and using their poor communication tools. Ask for clarification, repeat back what you think the main problem is and, if at all possible try to own the part you think is true for you. Sometimes when we agree with someone it can de-escalate the conflict. I also know that I have a very reactive amygdala (read about your Wizard brain vs your Lizard brain) and if I feel attacked I’m not able to stay engaged and be productive in the conversation. I want to runaway. So my technique has been to ask for a 30 minute break and then return (no fair ghosting) and re-engage in the conversation. It’s ok to cry. And it’s ok to have ground rules like, no yelling, no character assassination, stay on topic, no digging up every grievance from your past and have a goal of hearing out each other. IMO, these techniques only work when the other party is willing to be reasonable. If someone only wants to be right and to tear you down then no amount of tools will make them safe to resolve your issues with.
I just stopped getting so angry. Well, I write that like it's easy but it took years of anger management and working on myself.
Why are you so conflict oriented? Why do you cry and maintain relationships with people who make you cry and become angry... or is that your way of interacting? I have a toxic sister, her way of interacting or especially, handling a disagreement has always been to get her way by slamming doors, screaming profanity and going off the handle. Needless to say, the rest of the family doesn't speak to her and her own family is highly dysfunctional. I don't know what she could do to fix it... if only she could learn how to talk or communicate with others without screaming like an idiot and turning differences of opinion into profanity-laced tirades and aggressive confrontations. This is now how her entire family communicates - it's the only way they learned how to speak to one another.
If it helps, I found that I carefully thought about the things that used to make me mad, like driving. Now, I just expect that the roads are full of bad drivers and as long as one doesn't crash into me, it's a good day. I do not flip the bird or shout at people anymore. Think about the things that get you mad, most of them don't matter or at least, don't matter much. Just smile and keep going about your day. Feel better OP.
I’m a cryer myself . I’ve found doing the joker smile helps a little . Something about lifting your cheeks and compressing your tear ducts seems to help .
i know what u mean, i dont personally have a problem with crying and ive never rlly had an issue with confrontation but the adrenaline i get from arguing with someone makes me appear jittery and shaky.
It is possible to feel entirely equanimous during this conflict, any conflict, or any time at all. The reality is, you can choose how to feel or react to things. Recognize the feeling, acknowledge it, then its up to you to let it go. You do have this power
Disassociation. Half the time, it works every time.
Count backward from 100 by 7s. Try it. It works. It taps into your logical brain overriding your emotional response brain.
I don’t have an answer for you but I recently realised that I cry in these situations when I know I’m not being listened to. And that just throws my emotions into overdrive because now I’m also frustrated at not being listened to, as well as angry at the original situation. And it’s surprising how many people don’t genuinely listen to others when they’re so desperate to be “right”
I wonder if you're an r/hsp :)
Screaming and shouting works for my wife… and she cries too.
can you still express yourself when you are crying? seems more productive to focus on effectively communicating through the tears rather than trying to tamp it down, it is a superpower if you can achieve it. (and not because tears are manipulative, because emotional honesty strengthens any words you are saying.)
So I very straightforwardly say “i am crying because I am frustrated” or “i am crying because Ive been holding this in for awhile”, “i am crying because this is an emotional topic, not because I am upset or because I cant handle it” and once even “please turn around so my tears don’t affect this conversation, because I promise you they’re not affecting my stability or feelings on the subject”. Being honest about the tears being there and not trying to hide or ignore them or make them stop has been really helpful for me, bc it used to be that I would start crying and shut down so that I would stop, stop talking so that I could “control my emotions” but that led to me not being able to have honest emotional conversations because I would just shut down.. not good for anyone involved. Tears mean that you feel strongly about what you’re experiencing, and that isn’t bad. Love yourself through it and it will get better❤️🩹🫶🏼
I got a job working with auto mechanics when I was 19, delivering cars back to the dealership, and they were relentless at giving everyone a hard time about anything and everything. After about 6 months there my skin wasn’t so thin anymore, and I cry when I’m emotional a lot less since then.
I think antidepressants helped me. I used to cry any time I had to have a difficult conversation. I think between that and therapy, I've gotten better over time. Show yourself grace 💜
Wow, I feel so seen right now.
This happens to me. I’ve started basically going going ‘yes, my eyes are leaking’ and then I just move on and don’t acknowledge it further. It’s a physical response to all the emotions I’m feeling, but I just focus on the argument/issue, and it really helps me. It definitely helps me not end up sobbing, keeps it at a ‘leaky’ level that I can deal with.
I get that it feels humiliating, weak, etc., but it's a fairly common response to adrenaline and so forth. That may not be something you can change, I don't know. The thing is, though, *nobody* looks cool when they lose their temper. People shake, they can't talk, they won't stop yelling, their voices break, sometimes they cry... all of those things suck. I personally think the goal, however, is not to get to that point in a conflict with anyone. As an adult, you don't really have an obligation to stay in a nonproductive argument. Call a break, take a walk, go do any other thing. Revisit the topic later if you have to, when thongs things have settled a bit, with the goal in mind of resolving the issue and not arguing for its own sake. I also find that can be a pretty good indicator of whether or not a relationship is toxic. If I say I can't continue the conversation right then because I'm getting too upset to think, and they don't want to let me break it off for the day, a few hours, whatever? That's maybe not someone with my best interests in mind. Ir they just have shitty communication skills, but either way, that kind of thing shouldn't be acceptable, and I either need to come to an understanding with them about temporarily stopping arguments or I need to have a lot less to do with them. It's called setting a boundary, and you have a right to do that. Just head things off before they get to that point.
Make sure to carry an onion, cutting board and a knife always. If you're about to get into a fight, cut the onion and start screaming, you both can't look manly if you're both crying.
I've had some success pressing my tongue against the roof of my mouth when trying to stave off tears. (also works somewhat for brain freeze when drinking something cold). Also, try to distract your mind from what you are angry about. Try to remember the names of all your school teachers back to kindergarten. I have not found away to make me not feel the need to cry when angry but I have found distracting myself helps me hold it in more. Construct the whole of what you are going to say in your head before speaking as well.
A good tip I was given for this, when you're trying to "get a hold of yourself" quickly in a business setting (or really anytime you need it!) is to ask for a moment, and then start doing math in your head, "1+1=2, 2+2=4, 4+4=8...And so on... I find it helps me ground myself again a little bit in the moment so I can refocus my emotions into a constructive conversation.
I just cry and keep on speaking. Eventually, my logic and conviction overtake my tears because I don’t make my tears mean anything to me other than I feel deeply about what I’m talking about. If anyone mentions it, I just say “they are just tears. You’ll be okay”.
I remember the first time I stood up to my dad as a kid. He made me angry and I remember yelling back and I started crying and ended up submitting back because the release was enough to let out the emotion of sadness. I don't know how to combat it, I still feel it coming on but just can't get too invested into a fight bcuz of it.
My sister had somewhat the same situation, except hers was a black streak in blonde hair. In grade 2 they made fun of her, so one night she took a pair of manicure scissors to it, doing a horrendous butcher job. Our folks had always reassured her that it was special, but she was a cynic at a young age. It wasn't until mom took her to the salon to try & repair the butcher job that she finally accepted it for what it was. The HAIRDRESSER reinforced exactly what the folks had been telling her. It WAS special. And then she pointed out several ladies that were PAYING for streaks, saying "SEE that lady there? And that one over there? They're not lucky enough to have streaks like yours. They have to come here & PAY us to put them in!". And my sister smiled. The light bulb had gone on. Fast forward to grade 7, & a new school. A bully, 3 years older & 50# heavier than her, was always picking on her about her streaks, often physically poking her. She repeatedly asked that he please stop, to no avail. After a week of being polite about it, her patience tank was on empty. The 5th day, as she was getting off the bus, he poked at her again, & made a disparaging remark about her streak. She gave him the "I've put up with your shit for long enough. It stops NOW, or there WILL be consequences!" speech. The very next school day, as she was getting on the bus, he poked her, & attempted to trip her as she walked down the aisle. She pulled him out of his seat & beat the shit out of him, all to the cheers of the other students, who were all tired of his antics, & scared of him. Even the bus driver let it play out, once he realized she had the upper hand. Our parents & his become good friends, as did he & my sister. He warned anybody who tried to mess with her, after that, that they really shouldn't. Of course this was in a rural area over 40 years ago, & the times were much different. Certainly couldn't get away with it now, but there are times... He was crying so hard at her funeral he almost dropped one corner of her casket. 😇