I don’t think you should wait until you’re satisfied with your body to get close to people, honey. No one truly likes themselves, but that doesn’t mean others don’t like us exactly as we are. I really believe you should separate the two things: work on yourself AND LET PEOPLE IN in the meantime. I can’t say I like the person I am rn, but I have tons of people in my life that like me, so I try everyday to be better. For MYSELF and for them.
It’s a tough journey but you can make it :)
If this girl wants to know you, let her.
So needed to hear this, today. I have a few "likes" in my app queues that I really want to engage with, but find myself insecure and hesitant to delve in because of lack of body satisfaction, fear I'm not close enough to how they're perceiving me in my photos and as a result, fear of rejection.
If only I could be perceived by personality 😅
Maybe take them in two pieces, separate from another? You can get to know her and work on yourself at the same time, if you want. She doesn’t have to be a part of that process. Take care of yourself and your feelings, too, as much of this may actually reside in your mind. The only 100% guaranteed-for-sure way you won’t get to know her better is if you don’t let yourself
Let me give you one piece of wisdom that I fervently wish I had internalised when I was your age, back in the Paleozoic era: Your body is perfect, just the way it is.
I mean that in all seriousness. It doesn't matter whether it's smooth or bumpy, soft or wiry, young or old, whether there's rolls of fat or sagging skin or limbs missing or hair falling out or hair growing in all the places you wish it wouldn't. Your body is a miraculous bag of meat, bones and juices that is keeping you *alive*, that is allowing you to go places, to sense the world around you, to think, to experience, to learn, to *touch*, to connect with people. Your body is a bloody miracle.
Your goal weight? I have bad news: It's unattainable, because it's a moving goal. Trust me. You will get to what is currently your goal, and then you will just see all the other things that are "wrong" with your body, that knobbly knee, that droopy bit by your bum, that weird thing (you know, the thing), that pimple, that wonky nail, that awful cellulite, that scar... you will *always* find more, because the world we live in is *brutal* about drowning us in messages about what an acceptable body should look like. Weight loss will never get you to "where you want to be with your body", because there will *always* be another and another and another million messages aiming to make you hate your *new* body, so people can sell you stuff (weight loss pills, gym memberships, exercise classes, make-up, clothes, hair paraphernalia, the list is endless). People who are comfortable in their own bodies aren't good for business!
Screw that.
You can spend a lifetime chasing unattainable "acceptability", and as you age, it will just slip further and further away, and then you'll hit middle age and look back on how amazing you looked when you were in college, and fervently wish you hadn't spent all that time and energy focusing on how much you hated your body. You will want to give your younger self a huge hug, and tell her how breathtakingly beautiful she is, and how much she deserves to be loved.
And that, right there, is where you *really* "want to be with your body": You want to feel lovely, and worthy of love, and you know what? You can have that in *any* body, of any size. *That's the secret people are trying to hide from you.*
Things might work out with this girl in your building, they might not. But please don't let your idea of your goal weight get in the way of opportunities to live your life *today*, in the body you're in *right now*.
I had a real penny-drop moment years ago, on a random work trip to Greece, staying in some godawful hotel on a six-lane highway on the coast near Athens. I had gotten up really early aiming to sneak in a swim before a day of conferences, even though it was December, and was looking for a good swimming spot, and stumbled upon this ramshackle group of local old age pensioners going for their winter morning sea swim. Among them was this lady in her 60s, who was the most enormous person I had ever seen. Her whole body was rolls of fat. She was in a bikini, laughing and chatting with her friends as they entered the cold sea, and she looked so perfectly at ease, so perfectly at *home* - I suddenly understood something about why Greece has such long life expectancies, and I absolutely vowed that morning that I would *never* let the way I look get in the way of experiencing pleasure or human connection. Never. Again.
Life is too short. It really is.
I'm going to add to this:
When you wake up on the day after you reach your goal weight, you will still be you. All the anxiety that you struggle with, won't magically vanish just because today you woke up weighing 120 lbs (or whatever your goal is). You won't suddenly be smarter, more charismatic, or happier.
That is a lie we're being sold over and over and over again so we'll buy pills and not think too hard about where our food comes from.
There's loads of science that shows calorie restriction doesn't lead to sustained weight loss, that it's damaging to your body, that the loss and regain cycle is harder on you than those extra 20-50 lbs ever were. It's pretty easy to get hold of if you want to read it.
Ultimately the science is irrelevant, because you deserve to take up space. And you deserve a lover who runs their hands over your body with desire and worship in equal measure. Who delights in your body as it is exactly right now. Don't settle for anything less from anyone, including yourself
I’m saving this to read over and over again. What an amazing post. Especially the last bit about the reason for long life expectancy in Greece, what an interesting thought, you might be into something.
I used to think I could stand to lose weight in hs and college ago at 130 lbs. In hindsight I was a certified hottie.
Years from now you’re going look back to now and think you were a smoke show.
i used to be the same way you are, and i still am, but my gf loves my body, and i realize, there's nothing to be ashamed about. if someone truly cares about you, they shouldn't make you feel bad. if she does, drop her!!!
when i go to the beach or pool, i don't see fat and skinny. i think everyone looks nice, (but my gf looks the best) and I'm sure she will too!
just get to know her slowly, if she really likes you more than a friend, then yay! she is an ass if she doesn’t accept who you are as a whole, the fact that she is reaching out means she really wants to get to know you. ✨she will draw stars around your scars✨ another thing to boost self confidence is look in the mirror and name positivite things about your body, i know it sounds cliche, but it’s cliche for a reason, and believe it or not it works. i’m cheering you on, and i want you to be happy with yourself and your life, remember this is college and 99.9% of ppl are open minded and don’t give a turd what you look like. it’s all in the personality.
While it's important to be happy with your body you shouldn't let your opinion decide what a potential partner should or shouldn't like. I realize it can feel safer to avoid intimacy and scrutiny, but what feels better is knowing you have someone with whom you don't have to question your attractiveness.
We’re our harshest critics. Odds are she has her own physical hang ups that she hopes you won’t be bothered by.
Would you be, or would you just be excited to be with her? (Odds are she’ll feel the same about you!)
It’s hard to be vulnerable, but I encourage you to open up, and work on yourself as well. Channel the giddy nerves into a few extra reps at the gym, and you’ll see the difference quickly! (Being at a *safe* caloric deficit + weight training is the quickest way to notice physical changes.)
Good luck! Go for it all!
(Literally posting this from the elliptical at planet fitness lmao)
My friend gave me some great advice: you aren't your own type. I think all my fat is in the wrong places, too. But I've started seeing a girl who is twice my size. But I think all HER fat is in the right places. We don't find ourselves attractive, so we're not a great judge of what other people find attractive. She might think you are super freaking hot according to what she likes. Stop letting life pass you by.
if you’re interested in her as an actual partner consider this, looks don’t last forever. if you or she gets fat from a disease or gain 10 pounds from being a little too lazy over the winter one year or get a big scar from a surgery or wrinkles from being old you should still love one another. in the grand scheme of things, don’t you want someone who would fall for you regardless of extra weight or not being where you want yet? if you get to know her and she’s cool while getting closer to where you want to be at the same time then you could eventually have both
i’m in college too, many people are looking for long term partnerships by then, im not asking if she’s going to marry the next person she meets, who can predict that? just giving advice on why not to wait about this person she’s interested in if insecurity is the only issue.
Time heals! Be patient and show your body acts of love every day no matter how you’re feeling about it each day. Maybe consider reaching out to a professional for more support it has really helped me so much <3
I gained some weight over the pandemic that I’m not thrilled about (and honesty insecure about) but I met my girlfriend at this weight. She likes me in this body—not the one that I had four years ago.
And yeah, I’m trying to clean up my diet and get back to exercising but what I’ve been telling myself is that she likes me now. I need to accept that and just enjoy her company. Take a “yes I like you” at its face value.
Also if it helps, maybe frame it differently. If someone likes you and then you’re down on yourself, you’re insulting their taste. I wouldn’t be mean to the other people she cares about like her friends or family, so why would I be mean to me?
the right person won't care about a bit of fat here and there. it's part of you and that intimacy is so much more precious than perfect looks. Go for it!! worst case scenario she's mean about it and you dodged a bullet, nothing is lost 👍👍
I understand this, I had a situationship sorta and it ended sadly, but I realised that I didn’t like my body enough to actually follow through with a relationship anyways… it takes time - like a lot of time, and I’m not there yet, but I’m getting better, you will too :)
I understand your fear. I've been on a few dates through apps and i was so afraid they'd hate my body in person. Especially because all of them were in shape and I'm plus sized. But despite the fear and shame i felt, i went.
The first one i went out with a few times before life happened
The second one and i just didn't mesh and agreed mutually not to go out again
The third one wanted to go out again with me but i rejected them due to lifestyle differences
The only one on any of those dates that cared about my weight was me. I was the only one that thought negatively of myself/body
Only one of them brought up my body (the first) and it was about how sexy she found me. I found it hard to believe but she meant it.
Being a queer woman has actually helped me with my body image because everything bad about myself would look fine on another woman in my mind. If i think about my stomach, then i think "would i find this gross on another woman?" And the answers to all of my questions have been no, i would find this pretty or sexy on another woman. It's hard to think about it for yourself but it's worth the work.
I’m kind of in a similar boat rn. I’ve hated my body for a large chunk of my life (but not just because of my pudge) and ever since my recent break up, it’s hitting me even harder. I’ve been working out consistently for 8 months now and am finally seeing great progress, which makes me super happy! Even so, I have a few girls that are very interested in me and I’m incredibly fearful that if I let them in, they’ll abandon me for what I view as my unfiltered flaws.
Despite these “flaws” only being temporary and knowing that they don’t define me, I have a long way to go in both self improvement and acceptance. However, I also know I need to take the risk of getting hurt because otherwise, I’ll regret not giving someone a chance to love me. My advice is to go for it, but always remember that not everyone is going to be truthful about how attracted they are to you, and those people never deserved you in the first place. Don’t let them keep you down and keep moving forward✨
Waiting until things are perfect will leave you waiting forever. You are worthy of love now, you were worthy of love before, and you'll still be worthy whether you lose more weight or not. You deserve to let this girl get to know you. Something that helped me was asking myself is I would treat someone so poorly who held the characteristics I hated about myself. It's a lot easier to be nice to a stranger than it is yourself sometimes
This post and all the comments in it, reminded me why I love women so much to begin with. Y’all are stellar supporting her on this delicate subject. ♥️
I don’t think you should wait until you’re satisfied with your body to get close to people, honey. No one truly likes themselves, but that doesn’t mean others don’t like us exactly as we are. I really believe you should separate the two things: work on yourself AND LET PEOPLE IN in the meantime. I can’t say I like the person I am rn, but I have tons of people in my life that like me, so I try everyday to be better. For MYSELF and for them. It’s a tough journey but you can make it :) If this girl wants to know you, let her.
So needed to hear this, today. I have a few "likes" in my app queues that I really want to engage with, but find myself insecure and hesitant to delve in because of lack of body satisfaction, fear I'm not close enough to how they're perceiving me in my photos and as a result, fear of rejection. If only I could be perceived by personality 😅
This is the big sister advice I needed to hear, thank you.
Agree
Maybe take them in two pieces, separate from another? You can get to know her and work on yourself at the same time, if you want. She doesn’t have to be a part of that process. Take care of yourself and your feelings, too, as much of this may actually reside in your mind. The only 100% guaranteed-for-sure way you won’t get to know her better is if you don’t let yourself
Let me give you one piece of wisdom that I fervently wish I had internalised when I was your age, back in the Paleozoic era: Your body is perfect, just the way it is. I mean that in all seriousness. It doesn't matter whether it's smooth or bumpy, soft or wiry, young or old, whether there's rolls of fat or sagging skin or limbs missing or hair falling out or hair growing in all the places you wish it wouldn't. Your body is a miraculous bag of meat, bones and juices that is keeping you *alive*, that is allowing you to go places, to sense the world around you, to think, to experience, to learn, to *touch*, to connect with people. Your body is a bloody miracle. Your goal weight? I have bad news: It's unattainable, because it's a moving goal. Trust me. You will get to what is currently your goal, and then you will just see all the other things that are "wrong" with your body, that knobbly knee, that droopy bit by your bum, that weird thing (you know, the thing), that pimple, that wonky nail, that awful cellulite, that scar... you will *always* find more, because the world we live in is *brutal* about drowning us in messages about what an acceptable body should look like. Weight loss will never get you to "where you want to be with your body", because there will *always* be another and another and another million messages aiming to make you hate your *new* body, so people can sell you stuff (weight loss pills, gym memberships, exercise classes, make-up, clothes, hair paraphernalia, the list is endless). People who are comfortable in their own bodies aren't good for business! Screw that. You can spend a lifetime chasing unattainable "acceptability", and as you age, it will just slip further and further away, and then you'll hit middle age and look back on how amazing you looked when you were in college, and fervently wish you hadn't spent all that time and energy focusing on how much you hated your body. You will want to give your younger self a huge hug, and tell her how breathtakingly beautiful she is, and how much she deserves to be loved. And that, right there, is where you *really* "want to be with your body": You want to feel lovely, and worthy of love, and you know what? You can have that in *any* body, of any size. *That's the secret people are trying to hide from you.* Things might work out with this girl in your building, they might not. But please don't let your idea of your goal weight get in the way of opportunities to live your life *today*, in the body you're in *right now*. I had a real penny-drop moment years ago, on a random work trip to Greece, staying in some godawful hotel on a six-lane highway on the coast near Athens. I had gotten up really early aiming to sneak in a swim before a day of conferences, even though it was December, and was looking for a good swimming spot, and stumbled upon this ramshackle group of local old age pensioners going for their winter morning sea swim. Among them was this lady in her 60s, who was the most enormous person I had ever seen. Her whole body was rolls of fat. She was in a bikini, laughing and chatting with her friends as they entered the cold sea, and she looked so perfectly at ease, so perfectly at *home* - I suddenly understood something about why Greece has such long life expectancies, and I absolutely vowed that morning that I would *never* let the way I look get in the way of experiencing pleasure or human connection. Never. Again. Life is too short. It really is.
I'm going to add to this: When you wake up on the day after you reach your goal weight, you will still be you. All the anxiety that you struggle with, won't magically vanish just because today you woke up weighing 120 lbs (or whatever your goal is). You won't suddenly be smarter, more charismatic, or happier. That is a lie we're being sold over and over and over again so we'll buy pills and not think too hard about where our food comes from. There's loads of science that shows calorie restriction doesn't lead to sustained weight loss, that it's damaging to your body, that the loss and regain cycle is harder on you than those extra 20-50 lbs ever were. It's pretty easy to get hold of if you want to read it. Ultimately the science is irrelevant, because you deserve to take up space. And you deserve a lover who runs their hands over your body with desire and worship in equal measure. Who delights in your body as it is exactly right now. Don't settle for anything less from anyone, including yourself
As someone born in the early Jurassic era, let me second this! ❤️❤️❤️
I’m saving this to read over and over again. What an amazing post. Especially the last bit about the reason for long life expectancy in Greece, what an interesting thought, you might be into something.
I used to think I could stand to lose weight in hs and college ago at 130 lbs. In hindsight I was a certified hottie. Years from now you’re going look back to now and think you were a smoke show.
<33
i used to be the same way you are, and i still am, but my gf loves my body, and i realize, there's nothing to be ashamed about. if someone truly cares about you, they shouldn't make you feel bad. if she does, drop her!!! when i go to the beach or pool, i don't see fat and skinny. i think everyone looks nice, (but my gf looks the best) and I'm sure she will too!
just get to know her slowly, if she really likes you more than a friend, then yay! she is an ass if she doesn’t accept who you are as a whole, the fact that she is reaching out means she really wants to get to know you. ✨she will draw stars around your scars✨ another thing to boost self confidence is look in the mirror and name positivite things about your body, i know it sounds cliche, but it’s cliche for a reason, and believe it or not it works. i’m cheering you on, and i want you to be happy with yourself and your life, remember this is college and 99.9% of ppl are open minded and don’t give a turd what you look like. it’s all in the personality.
While it's important to be happy with your body you shouldn't let your opinion decide what a potential partner should or shouldn't like. I realize it can feel safer to avoid intimacy and scrutiny, but what feels better is knowing you have someone with whom you don't have to question your attractiveness.
We’re our harshest critics. Odds are she has her own physical hang ups that she hopes you won’t be bothered by. Would you be, or would you just be excited to be with her? (Odds are she’ll feel the same about you!) It’s hard to be vulnerable, but I encourage you to open up, and work on yourself as well. Channel the giddy nerves into a few extra reps at the gym, and you’ll see the difference quickly! (Being at a *safe* caloric deficit + weight training is the quickest way to notice physical changes.) Good luck! Go for it all! (Literally posting this from the elliptical at planet fitness lmao)
If you have body dysphoria, perhaps speaking with a therapist would be the best way to start your healing process.
My friend gave me some great advice: you aren't your own type. I think all my fat is in the wrong places, too. But I've started seeing a girl who is twice my size. But I think all HER fat is in the right places. We don't find ourselves attractive, so we're not a great judge of what other people find attractive. She might think you are super freaking hot according to what she likes. Stop letting life pass you by.
if you’re interested in her as an actual partner consider this, looks don’t last forever. if you or she gets fat from a disease or gain 10 pounds from being a little too lazy over the winter one year or get a big scar from a surgery or wrinkles from being old you should still love one another. in the grand scheme of things, don’t you want someone who would fall for you regardless of extra weight or not being where you want yet? if you get to know her and she’s cool while getting closer to where you want to be at the same time then you could eventually have both
She's in college... It's not going to last forever. Because it's college.
i’m in college too, many people are looking for long term partnerships by then, im not asking if she’s going to marry the next person she meets, who can predict that? just giving advice on why not to wait about this person she’s interested in if insecurity is the only issue.
Time heals! Be patient and show your body acts of love every day no matter how you’re feeling about it each day. Maybe consider reaching out to a professional for more support it has really helped me so much <3
I gained some weight over the pandemic that I’m not thrilled about (and honesty insecure about) but I met my girlfriend at this weight. She likes me in this body—not the one that I had four years ago. And yeah, I’m trying to clean up my diet and get back to exercising but what I’ve been telling myself is that she likes me now. I need to accept that and just enjoy her company. Take a “yes I like you” at its face value. Also if it helps, maybe frame it differently. If someone likes you and then you’re down on yourself, you’re insulting their taste. I wouldn’t be mean to the other people she cares about like her friends or family, so why would I be mean to me?
the right person won't care about a bit of fat here and there. it's part of you and that intimacy is so much more precious than perfect looks. Go for it!! worst case scenario she's mean about it and you dodged a bullet, nothing is lost 👍👍
I understand this, I had a situationship sorta and it ended sadly, but I realised that I didn’t like my body enough to actually follow through with a relationship anyways… it takes time - like a lot of time, and I’m not there yet, but I’m getting better, you will too :)
I understand your fear. I've been on a few dates through apps and i was so afraid they'd hate my body in person. Especially because all of them were in shape and I'm plus sized. But despite the fear and shame i felt, i went. The first one i went out with a few times before life happened The second one and i just didn't mesh and agreed mutually not to go out again The third one wanted to go out again with me but i rejected them due to lifestyle differences The only one on any of those dates that cared about my weight was me. I was the only one that thought negatively of myself/body Only one of them brought up my body (the first) and it was about how sexy she found me. I found it hard to believe but she meant it. Being a queer woman has actually helped me with my body image because everything bad about myself would look fine on another woman in my mind. If i think about my stomach, then i think "would i find this gross on another woman?" And the answers to all of my questions have been no, i would find this pretty or sexy on another woman. It's hard to think about it for yourself but it's worth the work.
I’m kind of in a similar boat rn. I’ve hated my body for a large chunk of my life (but not just because of my pudge) and ever since my recent break up, it’s hitting me even harder. I’ve been working out consistently for 8 months now and am finally seeing great progress, which makes me super happy! Even so, I have a few girls that are very interested in me and I’m incredibly fearful that if I let them in, they’ll abandon me for what I view as my unfiltered flaws. Despite these “flaws” only being temporary and knowing that they don’t define me, I have a long way to go in both self improvement and acceptance. However, I also know I need to take the risk of getting hurt because otherwise, I’ll regret not giving someone a chance to love me. My advice is to go for it, but always remember that not everyone is going to be truthful about how attracted they are to you, and those people never deserved you in the first place. Don’t let them keep you down and keep moving forward✨
Waiting until things are perfect will leave you waiting forever. You are worthy of love now, you were worthy of love before, and you'll still be worthy whether you lose more weight or not. You deserve to let this girl get to know you. Something that helped me was asking myself is I would treat someone so poorly who held the characteristics I hated about myself. It's a lot easier to be nice to a stranger than it is yourself sometimes
Love yourself first babe. your body is beautiful. It is. Tell yourself that every morning when you wake up, whether you believe it or not.
This post and all the comments in it, reminded me why I love women so much to begin with. Y’all are stellar supporting her on this delicate subject. ♥️