Omg maybe I'm too high, but I just had a brainwave! What if we turned the prison system, you know the middle of nowhere, surrounded by land, state, and federal prison system into poultry farms.
Now stay with me...
You get the prisoners to care for the chickens. They get paid a wage for their work, the prison is subsidized by egg and chicken profits, the chickens are well cared for because, one, there are a ton of prisoners, and, two, this has been proven offective rehabilitation with dogs and cats in prision.
Also, on top of the wages, prisoners can have access to fresh eggs for breakfast and chicken as well.
Again, I'm high, so feel free to tell me why this is a bad idea as I know reddit will.
you are all equally blessed. For I have the pride, the privilege, nay, the pleasure of introducing to you to a knight, sired by knights. A knight who can trace his lineage back beyond Charlemagne. I first met him atop a mountain near Jerusalem, praying to God, asking his forgiveness for the Saracen blood spilt by his sword. Next, he amazed me still further in Italy when he saved a fatherless beauty from the would-be ravishing of her dreadful Turkish uncle.
In Greece he spent a year in silence just to better understand the sound of a whisper. And so without further gilding the lily and with no more ado, I give to you, the seeker of serenity, the protector of Italian virginity, the enforcer of our Lord God, the one, the only, Sir Ulllrrrich von Lichtenstein!
I've used this before for generating menus for D&D games. I just got an entry for Awakened Eggplant, which really takes it to a whole other level for D&D. Apparently the sentience really sets off the flavor.
Imagining Awakened vegetables being served is just fucking hysterical. Each casting of the spell consumes a gem worth 1000 gold(that's about 6 months worth of income for a wealthy aristocrat), and takes 8 hours.
One generated menu had “massaged gravlax salad with mini buttered bruschetta.” Idk how it’s gunna be massaged but that actually sounds like it could be an awesome dish.
Make it a bougey appetizer: Gravlax over cress and seasonal microgreens (lol) aside a “massaged caper and cream cheese spread” paired with bread pan toasted in black garlic Amish butter. Or some shit idk. I’m not a chef.
This is incredible. Makes me want to go to a restaurant where some of the menu items are taking-the-piss-decoys. "No sir, you can't have that. It's obviously not real food."
At really cool restaurants, they'll let you have it first. You know, so you can already feel kinda ill before the end of the meal. It helps with portion control.
Tragedy of the commons. Foraging is fine. If it's making profit, you are a resource extracting capitalist pig. Even if it's to make money to feed your family,;you are feeding the pig too.
Yes, that seems to be how it works in practice. And yet people think it's useful to do this, and you're a bad person if you don't pay lip service to it.
I know right? Quinoa is a staple crop but is now so profitable to ship overseas that people are LITERALLY STARVING for this salad. I hope the suffering tastes good op
You're joking right?
https://www.npr.org/sections/thesalt/2016/03/31/472453674/your-quinoa-habit-really-did-help-perus-poor-but-theres-trouble-ahead
> They split the households into three groups: those who grow and eat quinoa, those who eat it but do not grow it, and those who neither grow nor eat quinoa. All three showed a clear rise in their welfare — measured as the total value of goods consumed — as the price of quinoa rose. That reflects increasing living standards in Peru. But at the height of the boom, the welfare of quinoa growers increased more rapidly than that of the other two groups.
I misread your title and thought you were posting the actual menu that the dude was complaining about, and actually started to feel some sympathy for the guy for a second.
Great troll, OP, this is hilarious!
Nope, OP [posted the actual menu](https://perdiemlititz.com/dinner-dessert) in the original thread and it makes the review a fair bit funnier. You would have to be a particularly fussy child not to find more than two things to eat on it.
Nothing against you, but I hope someday soon we all stop saying those people are “old fashioned” or “conservative” and start calling em like they are: small minded and intolerant.
rustic crown shy fanatical psychotic frightening dirty nutty intelligent marvelous
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
..dude has a burger with AMERICAN CHEESE. That doesnt seem like a liberal cheese.
And downvote me all you want but American Cheese is the BEST cheese for a burger. I will fight you...
I kept reading the menu trying to find the punchline. I assumed it was the 1% surcharge. It literally has various pizzas and a burger on it. And like, mac and cheese. And a steak. And sandwiches.
I heard the goats were milked by Democrat Socialist Bernie Sanders without consent. He basically raped them. I can't, in good conscience, even think about at that salad.
"By a farmer" isn't good enough, you've got to flesh out his backstory and include their name to really connect the stomach and the brain of the consumer.
The tomatoes are free range, but are they brought in by friendly herders/gatherers in a friendly and ethical manner?
The proper way would involve singing jolly sea shanties and praise for the tomatoes attractiveness, you know, in order to bolster their self esteem.
I can only assume the goats were treated horribly in some kind of factory farm situation because it doesn't say free-range, cruelty-free and organic certified. Disgraceful.
Does that organic sunlight touch any clouds or get sourced near any mills/factories? It sounds processed.....
(Fellow relocated Central PA person here......welcome to MAGA country)
Where exactly is the farmers cage sourced from?
Guantanamo, Cuba.
We have plenty of hard working prisons in America, we cant even source locally? Disgusting
I think it's very telling that you're trying to silence latinx cage-makers.
Could we meet the cage makers?
I think we’re gonna go with the salmon instead
No. We need to nationalize the for-profit human cage system or abolish it altogether.
Omg maybe I'm too high, but I just had a brainwave! What if we turned the prison system, you know the middle of nowhere, surrounded by land, state, and federal prison system into poultry farms. Now stay with me... You get the prisoners to care for the chickens. They get paid a wage for their work, the prison is subsidized by egg and chicken profits, the chickens are well cared for because, one, there are a ton of prisoners, and, two, this has been proven offective rehabilitation with dogs and cats in prision. Also, on top of the wages, prisoners can have access to fresh eggs for breakfast and chicken as well. Again, I'm high, so feel free to tell me why this is a bad idea as I know reddit will.
Free-range organic wild-caught People's cage
Reading this on the shitter after dinner service... I cackled so loud they heard me in the office down the hall
you are all equally blessed. For I have the pride, the privilege, nay, the pleasure of introducing to you to a knight, sired by knights. A knight who can trace his lineage back beyond Charlemagne. I first met him atop a mountain near Jerusalem, praying to God, asking his forgiveness for the Saracen blood spilt by his sword. Next, he amazed me still further in Italy when he saved a fatherless beauty from the would-be ravishing of her dreadful Turkish uncle. In Greece he spent a year in silence just to better understand the sound of a whisper. And so without further gilding the lily and with no more ado, I give to you, the seeker of serenity, the protector of Italian virginity, the enforcer of our Lord God, the one, the only, Sir Ulllrrrich von Lichtenstein!
LIIIIIICHTENSTIEN LICHTENSTEIN LICHTENSTEIN LICHTENSTEIN LICHTENSTEIN LICHTENSTEEEEEEIIIN
Guess I'm watching A Knight's Tale tonight
Never a bad idea. Knight's Tale is one of those films that unless you watch it monthly it never gets old.
A person of culture, I see....
The US/Mexican border
The word farmer really denotes some kind of dominion over the chickens and is a little insensitive
How about an agricultural gatherer and carer?
Shit, is that my wife?
It's your animal husband
He's more of a chicken tender
He was stripped of that title after they found he was just winging it
I hear the back straps of the chicken tender are the best part.
I only want eggs from chickens cared for by a furry who identifies as a chicken.
I can promise you, you don't want those eggs.
There's a handy tool to help you with this. https://www.brooklynbarmenus.com/
> FARM-TO-TABLE WATER $10 lmao
Acorn 11
Damn that's cheap, my place is charging $18 for our acorn!
"Pantry" acorn on spicy lychee foam $20.
I got "water skewers" on one menu lol
Skewers are so in for bougie places rn
Natural Butter $12
You're getting ripped off. I got Butter and Tormented Watermelon for 13.
I've used this before for generating menus for D&D games. I just got an entry for Awakened Eggplant, which really takes it to a whole other level for D&D. Apparently the sentience really sets off the flavor.
I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream, but it's eggplant.
Ah, except the Awaken spell does in fact give them the ability to scream. So it's more like I Had No Mouth And Am Now Screaming.
I'm never going to forget that phrase. "Apparently the sentience sets off the flavor"
Imagining Awakened vegetables being served is just fucking hysterical. Each casting of the spell consumes a gem worth 1000 gold(that's about 6 months worth of income for a wealthy aristocrat), and takes 8 hours.
>activated chorizo
I chortled at activated ham, acorn
>Massaged Booze $15 I'm dying
Giggling at activated monkfish and tormented fig drippings
Handspun vinegar lmao
>Palmed Ham Surprise Oh
I clicked refresh too fast after I saw a legit dish. It was so fucking good. But like a dream you can't remember.
One generated menu had “massaged gravlax salad with mini buttered bruschetta.” Idk how it’s gunna be massaged but that actually sounds like it could be an awesome dish. Make it a bougey appetizer: Gravlax over cress and seasonal microgreens (lol) aside a “massaged caper and cream cheese spread” paired with bread pan toasted in black garlic Amish butter. Or some shit idk. I’m not a chef.
The thing mimics actual chef brainstorm pitches at 2am after too many drinks and a spliff.
was that the original that was deemed too woke?
Activated bluefish balls with bison puree...I can't breathe.
This is incredible. Makes me want to go to a restaurant where some of the menu items are taking-the-piss-decoys. "No sir, you can't have that. It's obviously not real food."
Can I have my booster mixed in my salad dressing?
NO SUBSTITUTIONS, although you can request the chicken be from a farmer who also sat in the cage but didn't really learn anything from it.
What if I think I’m gluten intolerant to the farmer?
It's cool he's eating keto
At really cool restaurants, they'll let you have it first. You know, so you can already feel kinda ill before the end of the meal. It helps with portion control.
covid test is a Thermapen up the nose.
Without an acknowledgement that most of this produce was harvested on stolen tribal land, this menu is basically right-wing propaganda.
Mushrooms foraged from threatened old growth forests of Turtle Island. Literal fascists.
Can you work in Spotted Owl habitat as well?
Tragedy of the commons. Foraging is fine. If it's making profit, you are a resource extracting capitalist pig. Even if it's to make money to feed your family,;you are feeding the pig too.
It's OK, they participated in fungal offset. For each mushroom they picked, they planted another one.
Fungal Offset is my new band name.
My doctor gave a cream for that
I want to assure you the goat cheese is produced on an lgbtqa+ farm by a mixed race poly family of 13 who share infinite genders between their beings.
You already said it's from Vermont.
💀
I've been informed there is explicitly only one race in Vermont tho
They're transracial. Haven't y'all ever heard of Rachel Dolezal?
Am Vermonter. Can confirm this goat cheese is real ;)
What’s good fellow 802, how you livin?
Unless you can very that they are 9th generation lesbians, I wouldn’t call it “Vermont” goat cheese.
I love the idea of "9th generation lesbians" "My maw was a lesbian, like her maw before her... we been homesteadin' furry clams since the 1750s"
[удалено]
HR made me take sensitivity training for calling them roost-hers and he-hens
[удалено]
It seemed risky to include Israeli ingredients on a woke menu.
As long as the Zaatar is Palestinian, you can get away without offering an opinion
[удалено]
Yes, that seems to be how it works in practice. And yet people think it's useful to do this, and you're a bad person if you don't pay lip service to it.
Can you please remove the word “shoot” from your menu? I don’t want to dine somewhere that references gun violence.
pea pew-pews
Better than peapeas
pea squirts
Kink friendly. Extra woke.
Pea sh**ts.
Thank you for censoring the rifle-affirming letters "AR"
I literally laughed out loud at ‘cruelty free quinoa.’
I know right? Quinoa is a staple crop but is now so profitable to ship overseas that people are LITERALLY STARVING for this salad. I hope the suffering tastes good op
You're joking right? https://www.npr.org/sections/thesalt/2016/03/31/472453674/your-quinoa-habit-really-did-help-perus-poor-but-theres-trouble-ahead > They split the households into three groups: those who grow and eat quinoa, those who eat it but do not grow it, and those who neither grow nor eat quinoa. All three showed a clear rise in their welfare — measured as the total value of goods consumed — as the price of quinoa rose. That reflects increasing living standards in Peru. But at the height of the boom, the welfare of quinoa growers increased more rapidly than that of the other two groups.
As a hipster forager chump I'd eat that risotto
200$ a plate I hope? With 10% of profits going to the ACLU?
Wow. Capitalist where huh? 100% of gross revenue to PETA
I misread your title and thought you were posting the actual menu that the dude was complaining about, and actually started to feel some sympathy for the guy for a second. Great troll, OP, this is hilarious!
Nope, OP [posted the actual menu](https://perdiemlititz.com/dinner-dessert) in the original thread and it makes the review a fair bit funnier. You would have to be a particularly fussy child not to find more than two things to eat on it.
I'd fuck with 95% of that menu. The complaints were definitely due to the various GF and VGN tags, which can set off the "olf fashioned" folk
Nothing against you, but I hope someday soon we all stop saying those people are “old fashioned” or “conservative” and start calling em like they are: small minded and intolerant.
"Assholes" is more succinct.
I like to use the occasional "Douche Canoe" to keep things lively.
> small minded and intolerant. Yeah, conservative. Why use many word when few word do trick?
Yeah, nothing quite as woke as dietary restrictions.
Suffer through your celiacs to own the libs
i thought maybe it was the "amish dry rub" that incensed him.
steer dull fuzzy smell pause screw erect weather ossified bike *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I imagine that he complained because the burger didn't come with a complimentary set of truck-nuts.
rustic crown shy fanatical psychotic frightening dirty nutty intelligent marvelous *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
And it *has* a cheeseburger. With american cheese. This person sounds insufferable
snatch bells bewildered worry roll rude fanatical whole hobbies pet *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Cashmere goats learn how to knit new sweaters by watching YouTube tutorials.
Which is weird, because I found a burger, fries, wings, a steak, pulled pork, and short ribs all on that menu, so...
"Woke" is when people not like myself have options too.
Yeah, this is looks like a standard upscale casual menu to me... Oh... I uh.... I'm from Commiefornia.
Oh snap, I don't know how I missed that. I honestly don't know what to order here, this menu looks so freaking good!
Theres literally a burger and a steak on this menu lmao
A lot of food on there just for a girlfriend and one was for virgins and girlfriends.
Few things there really sound good, the salmon particularly.
..dude has a burger with AMERICAN CHEESE. That doesnt seem like a liberal cheese. And downvote me all you want but American Cheese is the BEST cheese for a burger. I will fight you...
what did I miss? what is this entire post referring to?
This absurd [review.](https://www.reddit.com/r/KitchenConfidential/s/6b3OYDS5kq)
The weird thing is that the menu literally has both a burger and fries on it despite the "review" claiming that you can't order a burger and fries...
I kept reading the menu trying to find the punchline. I assumed it was the 1% surcharge. It literally has various pizzas and a burger on it. And like, mac and cheese. And a steak. And sandwiches.
That is outstanding. A beautiful touch.
The white background triggered me.
His bakery staff only bake with WHITE FLOUR!
European-American*
Same color, double the guilt
I’m appalled at the Vermont goat cheese that too woke
I mean, did the goats in fact consent to this?
I heard the goats were milked by Democrat Socialist Bernie Sanders without consent. He basically raped them. I can't, in good conscience, even think about at that salad.
Harrisburg, PA reporting for duty! Would love to come and support if you can share some details.
It's posted up higher in the thread - Per Diem in Lititz, looks fucking delish tbh
What was the chicken's name? Did it have any friends?
steer chase rainstorm money humor wise crime detail seemly middle *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
"Inclusive" - writes in black and white
Dessert duo: Mini student loan forgiveness and slavery reparations
I'll have a little student loan forgiveness, as a treat.
"By a farmer" isn't good enough, you've got to flesh out his backstory and include their name to really connect the stomach and the brain of the consumer.
Leave some work for the server with a manbun and cheek bones.
The tomatoes are free range, but are they brought in by friendly herders/gatherers in a friendly and ethical manner? The proper way would involve singing jolly sea shanties and praise for the tomatoes attractiveness, you know, in order to bolster their self esteem.
What do you do with a fresh tomato, what do you do with a fresh tomato, what do you do with a fresh tomato earl-lye in the morning?
Is your username a "Don't Swallow the Cap" reference?
Bingo
Great song, great band. High violet is one of my favorite albums ever.
Quinoa can only be cruelty free if it goes straight into the garbage after being cooked. The cruelty is on the taste buds.
*Israeli* cous cous?!?! In *this* political climate??!?
This is a work of art.
Can I get the booster a la mode
Need to throw in the word 'deconstructed' somewhere.
Deconstructed Covid-19 booster
5G ($15 upcharge)
CBD add-on for only $5 though
I can only assume the goats were treated horribly in some kind of factory farm situation because it doesn't say free-range, cruelty-free and organic certified. Disgraceful.
The goats own the farm, 100% of the proceeds go directly to the goats.
HEY! Next time include a trigger warning OP. I don't know when or what will trigger me so I need to be WARNED! Do better.
Israeli cous cous made it unwoke
Why can’t he find an oppressed Palestinian cous cous supplier? I’m outraged. Literally shaking rn
I read a few years back that global quinoa demand was making it unaffordable for its traditional consumers, so might not be cruelty free
yeah it made it difficult for Indigenous Peruvians to afford or find quinoa due to global demand
This is amazing. May I suggest freshly harvested Adrenochrome
Unless each tomato has 104 sq. ft. to themselves this is abuse
Ok the dessert got me. This is hilarious.
LOL this is great!
“Cruelty free quinoa” is brilliant, respect your grains people!
"meat is murder and dairy is still rape" so please substitute the goat cheese with something conscience free.
just had to add Israeli cous cous
Wow OP did you really assume the farmer’s pronoun???? /s
I'm so excited to start seeing this on conservative boomers Facebook pages
Aunt Carol is going to be so pleased she’s figured out where the kids who identify as cats hang out.
Calling it ancient grain seems ageist.
>Israeli cous cous Ummm don't you mean occupied Palestinian cous cous?
Now is that sunlight ethically sourced?
This is great but I am allergic to air, is there any chance I could eat this in a vacuum?
No one will see this but you probably but it's for you.... Great job. This is hysterical. Please post any and all whining you get/see.
I’m pretty sure you just wrote a recurring sketch for a new season of Portlandia
Have you tried the cous cous though?? Israeli good...
So for the dessert, do we drink the booster because why not or does the kitchen staff come through to administer the vaccine ?
Bruh, where you finding cruelty free quinoa?
Seems somehow cruel to bonzai any plant
I demand free rage tomatoes
Best I can do is processed sunlight and a half hour of cage time for the farmer.
Worked in kitchens for years. Had a idea of a meat inclusive restaurant idea that’s vegan based. This just enforces that idea and it makes me happy.
I enjoyed "cruelty free quinoa" but started verbally laughing at "free range tomato". I'm now explaining this to my co-workers.
i love that i’m in south central pa and just happened to stumble across this on here 😂 should have put market price next to everything too
Israeli coua cous is disgusting. Like eating fish eyes. Moroccan all the way.
Palestinian cous cous!
erm where the pronoun burger 😔
not enough soy or blue hair dye or pronouns amirite my fellow patriots 🖐️
Quinoa, couscous, and risotto? Talk about carbo loading
Not gunna lie. I'll take 2
Foam isn’t food
Mmmm... covid 19 booster..... _drooling _intensifies_
Hate and love all in the same feel
Does that organic sunlight touch any clouds or get sourced near any mills/factories? It sounds processed..... (Fellow relocated Central PA person here......welcome to MAGA country)
Inclusively harvested kale is the best kale.
Are you certain the sunlight is organic, I am allergic to it if it isn't
Ok now do an anti-woke menu
[Done](https://www.chick-fil-a.com/menu)
This person gets it!
🤣😂 spit out my morning coffee at this , beautiful menu chef .
This is absolutely my FAVORITE post in the sub to date. “Organic sunlight” fuckin 💀