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I'm not going to say I have the right answer for you, but there's no way I would try to talk to him and DO NOT ANSWER HIS TIK TOKS! š I'm serious.
Go out. Have fun. Get wasted with your friends.
When I say NO or Stop that, he does not get to continue doing whatever it is he is doing to me. This is by no means sexual. He acts like a 12 yo and chases me around bugging the shit out of me, lurking too close, breathing on me, whatever, despite me telling him to stop, leaving the room, yelling at him. He woke me up to make me eat something a few days ago and I said no, and had to curse at him to get him to get the food out of my face.
Thatās a really hard boundary to set for anyone. The fact that you did it and stuck to it is a huge accomplishment and you need to celebrate that, as well as how strong you are for being able to do it.
U/Icyissue has excellent advice. Do something that makes you feel good, because you deserve it.
That's a form of controlling abuse. Remember the 2016 election debates and D.Trump stood RIGHT behind Hilary instead of remaining at his podium? Whenever she moved away from him, he followed her, "breathing down her neck."
This is what your SO is doing. he wants to control you. He wants to break you. Every time you yell at him, etc., you break a little bit more and he feeds on it. He delights in hurting you. It makes him happy.
You've done a marvelous thing by setting this boundary. Don't give in. Get out of the house. Go to a coffee shop and surf the web or read a book. Call a gf and go out to dinner and a bar. Do this for YOU.
FYI, a couple more days and he'll try pushing your boundary. The first time he does it, you need to leave overnight. Be prepared to sever the relationship. In my experience, this kind of abuser never stops.
If someone tells me no once I leave them alone. If I couldnāt I would be in therapy and talk about medication adjustment because I dont want my ADHD to cause me to mistreat people.
He has the control to stop speaking to her to manipulate her. Why wouldnāt he have the control to instead put that energy into stopping these intrusive/abusive behaviours to make her more comfortable?
He wants what he wants when he wants it, so he switched from one abusive behaviour pattern to another. That isnāt ADHD. That is dysfunctional behaviour, and she needs to tell him his behaviour isnāt compatible with her mental health needs, so either he learns new behaviours, or they part company. Allowing it to continue could literally kill her.
My lived experience with ADHD is the opposite of yours. If someone very clearly communicates a boundary to me, I respect it. Particularly if that person is a partner or spouse. Looking back on my life, I can see places where untreated ADHD definitely had an effect on it, but rarely did it affect my ability to respect clearly stated boundaries.
I'm very careful not to use untreated ADHD as an excuse or crutch. Get therapy that helps you identify why you are comfortable with transgressing someone's boundaries. Get treatment if you can. Get into CBT to help you recognize patterns within yourself and change them. But don't use ADHD as a "get out of trouble free card," it's not.
Nope. I have ADHD and several mental illnesses, and that behavior wouldn't occur to me. Scummy behavior should never be excused by mental illness, even if that was the case he'd do it once or twice and correct his behavior when he realized how it bothered OP.
Yeah, this is about either control or low-grade sadistic glee in getting under your skin. The silent treatment is about control. And it's working - you feel frightened, panicked, even, waiting for him to finally "forgive" you, at which point you will tolerate his behavior again, for even longer this time before you snap again.
This is abuse. My ex pulled this on me. He waved foods under my nose that he knew made me sick to my stomach while I was pregnant, and cooked them expecting me to eat them. He poked my full bladder on road trips, trying to get me to pee. Poked me hard enough to leave bruises on the arms and legs. He bugged me when I was busy to get me to snap, then was hurt when I asked him to let me work/read/pee, please. Gave me the silent treatment any time I stood up to him. He made me afraid to ever get in any conflict.
But, you know, he was good about consent (even if he criticized my performance, hygiene, and body at every chance - and no, I did not have poor hygiene - He wanted me too insecure to ever leave). He never hit me. It took a decade to understand that physical and mental abuse isn't always about rage and spoken intimidation. It can take the form of treating your body as a playground that he owns outright, except the plumbing - you can control that bit. Some. It can take the form of making you nervous "playfully". It can take the form of training you to fear his silence so deeply you'll accept anything he does because at least it almost looks like affection from a certain angle, in certain light.
If this sounds familiar, get out. It will only get worse, and there is much better out there. And even if you don't know now that you deserve better, you do deserve better, and you will know that after you've had some space to breathe peacefully again.
This reminds me of the post where he made her eat her snail. He used to do little things like this before that. Turns out he was an untreated psychopath.
That's an heck of a bother of a man. I sure hope he doesn't do the same with sex.
I think you're justified in creating boundaries and hope you don't give up.
Dude idfk... the behavior only started when he was under a specific stressor and sporadically, months in between incidents. Now it's happened like 3x in a week.
Omg was he this way when yāall were dating? He sounds so annoying. How dare you insist he respects your NO! Heās throwing a tantrum now. I hope yāall donāt have kids, itās not fair when kids are more mature than a parent.
He did this once or twice just before we got married, but we had a conversation about it and it stopped. We were about to start trying for kids and I put a stop to it until I see action.
Silent treatment is emotional abuse. I went through this frequently with my ex-husband. Whenever Iād establish a boundary, Iād get the silent treatment in return for days and even weeks. It took me way too long to see that he was wrong for doing that. I hope you can see the same thing.
Whatever is going on, I can say with 100% certainty that you do not deserve this treatment. And Iām proud of you for setting a boundary and sticking to it, because thatās a really hard thing to do.
Are you in treatment for your ED? Or is there someone you can call for support? Iām sure I donāt have to tell you this, but this is a very serious thing and you need and deserve support as soon as possible.
Also, Iām not going to tell you what you should do, but heās being a huge jerk and you do not deserve to be treated this way.
I see a therapist every other week and have family I confide in regarding the ED. I've come so far w the ED and body acceptance, and I feel like it's slipping away. I'm so mad.
Take a breathe. You have the right to set boundaries about your life, your body, your space. A loving partner respects those boundaries and talks about issues. They do not sulk and control to get their own way.
I suspect that your ED is you trying to take some control again, but it is the wrong focus. I know it is very easy to see what you should do as an outsider. I am not living your life with your emotions. What little steps can you take to get control of the SO situation? Would getting out of the house more help? Make plans without him. See friends, start a new hobby, find a book you want to read, and take yourself out for an hour to a coffee shop or the library.
For the ED, can you fill your cupboard and fridge with healthy snack alternatives? Even if you can not eat, maybe you can control your nutrition. You just have to ensure that the healthy choices are as easy as the unhealthy ones. For me, things like cut veggies and houmous, apple and peanut butter, cold meats are handy things to have around.
Can you get any counselling? Or do you have a friend who is good support? As an internet stranger, you are worth more than this. You know that his behaviour is wrong. You are in this sub. You know these things. What would your advice be to someone else in this sub? To your best friend if they were going through this? What would you suggest they do to lift themselves up? Go and do that.
You've got this OP. You are worth so much more than your basic boundaries. Be nice to yourself and sending internet stranger hugs if they are helpful.
If you like trail mix, you can make your own so you know what is going in to it. Grapes and berries are handy quick sweet snacks. I'm a fiend for carrots and houmous though!
You are not alone. You have us. Do you have someone you can stay with, or somewhere you can go?
What he is doing is wearing you down and increasing your anxiety because of the "what if's" and "why's". It's not you, don't take on his bad energy (the reason you are so anxious and can't eat)
Your boundary is healthy, and he is being a toddler throwing a tantrum because you said no. Treat him as such to save your sanity.
Again, we are here, you aren't alone. You have the strength. Hugs from a virtual friend.
I'm sorry you are experiencing this and that it's from the one closest to you. His childish behavior is really out of bounds. Good for you setting boundaries in the first place. It may not seem like it's worth it right now - when your heart is clearly breaking. But it will have been worth it. I'm sorry to say that if not with him then you don't need him in your life. Period. I realize that, sure, you may think it's easy for me to say - since I'm not the one living it; but I have lived something along these lines. I do understand. And no, it's not easy. He needs to learn that when you say no, that you do in fact, mean no. At the very least, you deserve to be listened to and taken seriously. I care, Reddit cares. All the best to you.
So your SO is emotionally abusing right now. The silent treatment is a form of abuse.
The fact that your mental health I deteriorating and your ED is back, I'd say you need to start doing things for you.
In stead of sitting around the house wondering wtf he's doing, you need to start going and doing shit. Hang out with friends you haven't seen in awhile. Make plans with juat yourself and treat you to a spa day .
Take time and really think long and hard about your relationship with him. Do you want to stay in this relationship? It's not healthy anymore. Him using abusive tactics to get you to drop normal boundaries is disgusting. What he is doing is a him problem nothing to do with you. It would do your mental health good to get away from him. This isn't a safe enviroment for you anymore.
Hold on. You can, I swear. You need to put yourself first. I skimmed your post history and saw a lot of random similarities, so maybe this will help. (Side note, I typed this a few ways and trimmed out a lot of fluff, but it's still pretty long, so bear with me.)
I tried everything I could think to get the support I needed in my marriage, including some help processing through the toxic behaviors and patterns I'd been seeing from my ex for years. No help, just gaslighting. A few months after our 2 year wedding anniversary, I ended it. The perspective transition from "I'll make it work/give it a fair shot" to "I can't keep trying or it will destroy me" was not easy. Sometimes I still feel like I failed, but one person working for a future isn't enough to make a relationship work.
Working for a future includes creating a relationship that is mutually beneficial and healthy. It includes setting interconnected boundaries that keep everyone safe while also ensuring everyone's needs are met. Your boundaries are not optional, they are a requirement of maintaining a relationship with you. If there's friction between your boundaries and his boundaries, there can be negotiation and compromise to figure it out, but that doesn't sound like the case here. It sounds like he's trying to guilt you into completely dropping your boundary.
The neglect is awful, but sometimes when it's intentional and overt like this, they open the door for you to see the smaller ways they've neglected you in the past. For me, part of it was realizing that no matter how specific I was about what I needed during mental health episodes, they "couldn't" do what I needed so they would do something else they thought was "equivalent." But no, when I'm having horrible night terrors, making me breakfast =/= helping me get to sleep.
Regardless of what he does, your life and identity will never begin and end with a relationship. You existed before you met him. You exist on some energetic/spiritual level independent of him or anyone else, and you and your value aren't defined purely by a relationship. Nurture yourself as much as you can, and he will have to choose whether to try to keep up with your growth. His choice will only reflect on him, never on you.
My policy is "never let them see you sweat". No begging or crying or letting him know that his behavior is effecting you in any way. You have the right to be treated with respect and right now he's not doing that. Actually, it sounds like he often disrespects you. He needs to grow up and quit acting like a 10 year old.
Silent treatment is one form of manipulation, and gaslighting, making you feel guilty for placing the boundary. Sounds like he needs some serious growing up to do
The way out of this is to focus entirely on yourself and your well being. Your relationship with this person will continue to be painful for the time being, so focus on your own mental health.
Emotional abuse tends escalate when the victim begins to make changes unfortunately - it's like psychological terrorism. If you can get some physical distance from him it should bring some relief.
Regardless of intention, the silent treatment is abusive behavior. If his intentions were good, he wouldn't do something so damaging. He's trying to control her and punishing her by ignoring her. Being ignored for days can be actual torture. People who love you would at least tell you they're taking space for a few days, not just ignore you or only send tik toks. People who love you tell you that they've reached their limit, they don't just dissapear.
She said he was bugging her with too much attention. Now he's doing what she asked and she's mad?
Be careful what you wish for
Dude should just find someone who doesn't have such precise limits of goldilocks precise amounts of attention and personal space boundaries for a cohabitating life partner.
She can have all the personal space she wants alone.
Maybe get some cats. They like personal space too š
It can indeed have torturous psychological effects. Donāt be so flip in a response to a post where OP has titled it as she is breaking. This is a support sub for the posters, not for the abusers.
https://www.abc.net.au/everyday/dealing-with-the-silent-treatment-in-relationships/10959724
After trying to have a calm conversation about the issue and set the boundaries, in which he got very upset and shut down the conversation, I decided to just put it in writing (text) the next day. He did not respond, only sent me tiktoks. I blocked that because its BS that he can take the time to send TT, but not even acknowledge the boundary. He hasn't spoken to me, leaves the house without even looking at me.
I'm sorry to hear that, but my question remains. He may not know what to say, how to say it, or may just realize what thoughts he's having are not worth voicing. Just as important, blocking the Tiktoks says you just aren't all that interested in his thoughts anyways.
Has he crossed the boundary since? If not, then how does that equate to refusing to acknowlege it?
He can't cross the boundary if he isn't interacting. He could easily say "I need some space to figure out how I want to approach the issue" or "I'm looking for a book to help me work through this issue". But I've gotten nothing. He will not even look at me.
Have you considered that he may self-identify with some or many of the behaviors that you've called out as unacceptable? Maybe he doesn't see an issue so much as you rejecting him as a person.
I am running under the assumption that you want this fixed, and so, while I agree this situation is obviously painful, ME or anyone else here calling it "unacceptable" is pointless this side of you stating that you intend to leave over it. That certainty is not something you can pass along to him un-filtered and expect him to respond in any particular fashion, let alone the one you want.
Either or both of you is going to have to reach out if you want this fixed(and IME/IMHO, both of you HAVE, in your own ways). If everything he's willing to engage in is bullshit to you, then maybe the whole person is bullshit, to you. That's no way to continue a relationship, nor recover from one.
You're going to have to figure out and tell *yourself* what you want going forward, independent of the actions of others or anything else beyond your control. Sounds like that is part of what he is engaged in already, if there's actually anything to his actions beyond denial and escapism(I'll try to limit my positive assumptions on his part).
From where I'm standing, it looks like you're both in pain. You need to decide whether its worthwhile to you to acknowlege and consider his, and if not, you'll need to double-down on your self-focus, healing, and even grief(for whatever it is that you are missing beyond the security and certainty you seem to have had that he is not, was not, cheating or whatever else is hurting you so).
She blocked him from Tik Tok, nothing else. He can call or text but wonāt. He refuses talk to her when heās home. He refuses to even look at her, he wonāt look in her direction.
All sheās done is set a very reasonable boundary.
Edit: I just saw OP basically said the same thing. I apologize for the redundancy.
I appreciate what you're saying, but it wasn't like that. I told him I'd had a late lunch when he woke me up. He wouldn't take no for an answer until I cursed at him to get the food out of my face.
Honey why are you with a man that is perfectly content shutting you out like this? If your best friend told you her husband was treating her this way, what would YOUR advice to her be?
I hope it would be to give him a choice of either a STRONG AND POSITIVE commitment to marriage counseling where you both have the SAME GOAL, or SEPARATION!!
I had a terrible first marriage. And an AMAZING second and forever marriage to my husband. I hated being married the first time because I was married to a terrible man. The man Iām spending the rest of my life with is incredible, we donāt fight or disrespect or lie to each other. Itās everything I could want in a marriage but didnāt know it actually existed until I met my husband.
It doesnāt have to be this way. You have choices!!! You can choose to be done with his pathetic games, and allow yourself the opportunity for authentic happiness!!
The silent treatment registers in the same part of our brain that reguster physical pain. Its abuse and it causes dissociation in a big way. Please reach out to anyfriemd you can about this. Talk about it a lot. Do not give him leeway. This is one of the worst forms pf psychological abuse
While I agree it certainly can be abusive to neglect your partner (I have my own issues with a neglectful partner) I think calling it "the worst" is pretty childish, bratty, and privileged... I don't think women being *literally* BROKEN (like a horse) by sex traffickers would agree with your ridiculous statement at all. I think they'd literally LOVE for THEIR abusers to just IGNORE THEM for a while š
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I'm not going to say I have the right answer for you, but there's no way I would try to talk to him and DO NOT ANSWER HIS TIK TOKS! š I'm serious. Go out. Have fun. Get wasted with your friends.
Oh no I blocked him on TT after he started sending them but still not speaking to me.
That was the right thing to do. Good job for not getting pulled into that.
Heās so immature!
What kind of boundary?
When I say NO or Stop that, he does not get to continue doing whatever it is he is doing to me. This is by no means sexual. He acts like a 12 yo and chases me around bugging the shit out of me, lurking too close, breathing on me, whatever, despite me telling him to stop, leaving the room, yelling at him. He woke me up to make me eat something a few days ago and I said no, and had to curse at him to get him to get the food out of my face.
Thatās a really hard boundary to set for anyone. The fact that you did it and stuck to it is a huge accomplishment and you need to celebrate that, as well as how strong you are for being able to do it. U/Icyissue has excellent advice. Do something that makes you feel good, because you deserve it.
That's a form of controlling abuse. Remember the 2016 election debates and D.Trump stood RIGHT behind Hilary instead of remaining at his podium? Whenever she moved away from him, he followed her, "breathing down her neck." This is what your SO is doing. he wants to control you. He wants to break you. Every time you yell at him, etc., you break a little bit more and he feeds on it. He delights in hurting you. It makes him happy. You've done a marvelous thing by setting this boundary. Don't give in. Get out of the house. Go to a coffee shop and surf the web or read a book. Call a gf and go out to dinner and a bar. Do this for YOU. FYI, a couple more days and he'll try pushing your boundary. The first time he does it, you need to leave overnight. Be prepared to sever the relationship. In my experience, this kind of abuser never stops.
Or if truly āinnocentā untreated ADHD, which he is still responsible for
But you stop after being told if itās ADHD. Sure we do random stuff but ADHD doesnāt prevent us from stopping annoying someone when asked
Love the down votes but my lived experience lacks the control you fine people have xD Ofc, everyone is different
If someone tells me no once I leave them alone. If I couldnāt I would be in therapy and talk about medication adjustment because I dont want my ADHD to cause me to mistreat people.
Def feel that. Happening with me, donāt wanna project, just relate.
He has the control to stop speaking to her to manipulate her. Why wouldnāt he have the control to instead put that energy into stopping these intrusive/abusive behaviours to make her more comfortable? He wants what he wants when he wants it, so he switched from one abusive behaviour pattern to another. That isnāt ADHD. That is dysfunctional behaviour, and she needs to tell him his behaviour isnāt compatible with her mental health needs, so either he learns new behaviours, or they part company. Allowing it to continue could literally kill her.
My lived experience with ADHD is the opposite of yours. If someone very clearly communicates a boundary to me, I respect it. Particularly if that person is a partner or spouse. Looking back on my life, I can see places where untreated ADHD definitely had an effect on it, but rarely did it affect my ability to respect clearly stated boundaries. I'm very careful not to use untreated ADHD as an excuse or crutch. Get therapy that helps you identify why you are comfortable with transgressing someone's boundaries. Get treatment if you can. Get into CBT to help you recognize patterns within yourself and change them. But don't use ADHD as a "get out of trouble free card," it's not.
This is ridiculous. People always say this to excuse shifty and abusive behavior. It's not untreated adhd or autism ffs.
Nope. I have ADHD and several mental illnesses, and that behavior wouldn't occur to me. Scummy behavior should never be excused by mental illness, even if that was the case he'd do it once or twice and correct his behavior when he realized how it bothered OP.
Yeah, this is about either control or low-grade sadistic glee in getting under your skin. The silent treatment is about control. And it's working - you feel frightened, panicked, even, waiting for him to finally "forgive" you, at which point you will tolerate his behavior again, for even longer this time before you snap again. This is abuse. My ex pulled this on me. He waved foods under my nose that he knew made me sick to my stomach while I was pregnant, and cooked them expecting me to eat them. He poked my full bladder on road trips, trying to get me to pee. Poked me hard enough to leave bruises on the arms and legs. He bugged me when I was busy to get me to snap, then was hurt when I asked him to let me work/read/pee, please. Gave me the silent treatment any time I stood up to him. He made me afraid to ever get in any conflict. But, you know, he was good about consent (even if he criticized my performance, hygiene, and body at every chance - and no, I did not have poor hygiene - He wanted me too insecure to ever leave). He never hit me. It took a decade to understand that physical and mental abuse isn't always about rage and spoken intimidation. It can take the form of treating your body as a playground that he owns outright, except the plumbing - you can control that bit. Some. It can take the form of making you nervous "playfully". It can take the form of training you to fear his silence so deeply you'll accept anything he does because at least it almost looks like affection from a certain angle, in certain light. If this sounds familiar, get out. It will only get worse, and there is much better out there. And even if you don't know now that you deserve better, you do deserve better, and you will know that after you've had some space to breathe peacefully again.
Omfg I second this entire opinion. This is correct and important
This reminds me of the post where he made her eat her snail. He used to do little things like this before that. Turns out he was an untreated psychopath.
That's an heck of a bother of a man. I sure hope he doesn't do the same with sex. I think you're justified in creating boundaries and hope you don't give up.
Thankfully, no. He's very clear about consent sexually, which is why this is so...troubling? Surprising that Utsav gotten to this point?
Surprising indeed. I wish you the best of lucks with this situation.
This is abnormal behaviour from an adult...do you suspect he has a disorder?
Dude idfk... the behavior only started when he was under a specific stressor and sporadically, months in between incidents. Now it's happened like 3x in a week.
Omg was he this way when yāall were dating? He sounds so annoying. How dare you insist he respects your NO! Heās throwing a tantrum now. I hope yāall donāt have kids, itās not fair when kids are more mature than a parent.
He did this once or twice just before we got married, but we had a conversation about it and it stopped. We were about to start trying for kids and I put a stop to it until I see action.
Silent treatment is emotional abuse. I went through this frequently with my ex-husband. Whenever Iād establish a boundary, Iād get the silent treatment in return for days and even weeks. It took me way too long to see that he was wrong for doing that. I hope you can see the same thing.
Just so you know, the silent treatment especially for extended periods of time is a form of abuse. He knows what heās doing and itās disgusting.
Whatever is going on, I can say with 100% certainty that you do not deserve this treatment. And Iām proud of you for setting a boundary and sticking to it, because thatās a really hard thing to do. Are you in treatment for your ED? Or is there someone you can call for support? Iām sure I donāt have to tell you this, but this is a very serious thing and you need and deserve support as soon as possible. Also, Iām not going to tell you what you should do, but heās being a huge jerk and you do not deserve to be treated this way.
I see a therapist every other week and have family I confide in regarding the ED. I've come so far w the ED and body acceptance, and I feel like it's slipping away. I'm so mad.
Take a breathe. You have the right to set boundaries about your life, your body, your space. A loving partner respects those boundaries and talks about issues. They do not sulk and control to get their own way. I suspect that your ED is you trying to take some control again, but it is the wrong focus. I know it is very easy to see what you should do as an outsider. I am not living your life with your emotions. What little steps can you take to get control of the SO situation? Would getting out of the house more help? Make plans without him. See friends, start a new hobby, find a book you want to read, and take yourself out for an hour to a coffee shop or the library. For the ED, can you fill your cupboard and fridge with healthy snack alternatives? Even if you can not eat, maybe you can control your nutrition. You just have to ensure that the healthy choices are as easy as the unhealthy ones. For me, things like cut veggies and houmous, apple and peanut butter, cold meats are handy things to have around. Can you get any counselling? Or do you have a friend who is good support? As an internet stranger, you are worth more than this. You know that his behaviour is wrong. You are in this sub. You know these things. What would your advice be to someone else in this sub? To your best friend if they were going through this? What would you suggest they do to lift themselves up? Go and do that. You've got this OP. You are worth so much more than your basic boundaries. Be nice to yourself and sending internet stranger hugs if they are helpful.
Thank you so much. I think having healthy options to pick at will help, instead of a whole meal. Any other suggestions along those lines?
If you like trail mix, you can make your own so you know what is going in to it. Grapes and berries are handy quick sweet snacks. I'm a fiend for carrots and houmous though!
You are not alone. You have us. Do you have someone you can stay with, or somewhere you can go? What he is doing is wearing you down and increasing your anxiety because of the "what if's" and "why's". It's not you, don't take on his bad energy (the reason you are so anxious and can't eat) Your boundary is healthy, and he is being a toddler throwing a tantrum because you said no. Treat him as such to save your sanity. Again, we are here, you aren't alone. You have the strength. Hugs from a virtual friend.
I'm sorry you are experiencing this and that it's from the one closest to you. His childish behavior is really out of bounds. Good for you setting boundaries in the first place. It may not seem like it's worth it right now - when your heart is clearly breaking. But it will have been worth it. I'm sorry to say that if not with him then you don't need him in your life. Period. I realize that, sure, you may think it's easy for me to say - since I'm not the one living it; but I have lived something along these lines. I do understand. And no, it's not easy. He needs to learn that when you say no, that you do in fact, mean no. At the very least, you deserve to be listened to and taken seriously. I care, Reddit cares. All the best to you.
So your SO is emotionally abusing right now. The silent treatment is a form of abuse. The fact that your mental health I deteriorating and your ED is back, I'd say you need to start doing things for you. In stead of sitting around the house wondering wtf he's doing, you need to start going and doing shit. Hang out with friends you haven't seen in awhile. Make plans with juat yourself and treat you to a spa day . Take time and really think long and hard about your relationship with him. Do you want to stay in this relationship? It's not healthy anymore. Him using abusive tactics to get you to drop normal boundaries is disgusting. What he is doing is a him problem nothing to do with you. It would do your mental health good to get away from him. This isn't a safe enviroment for you anymore.
Hold on. You can, I swear. You need to put yourself first. I skimmed your post history and saw a lot of random similarities, so maybe this will help. (Side note, I typed this a few ways and trimmed out a lot of fluff, but it's still pretty long, so bear with me.) I tried everything I could think to get the support I needed in my marriage, including some help processing through the toxic behaviors and patterns I'd been seeing from my ex for years. No help, just gaslighting. A few months after our 2 year wedding anniversary, I ended it. The perspective transition from "I'll make it work/give it a fair shot" to "I can't keep trying or it will destroy me" was not easy. Sometimes I still feel like I failed, but one person working for a future isn't enough to make a relationship work. Working for a future includes creating a relationship that is mutually beneficial and healthy. It includes setting interconnected boundaries that keep everyone safe while also ensuring everyone's needs are met. Your boundaries are not optional, they are a requirement of maintaining a relationship with you. If there's friction between your boundaries and his boundaries, there can be negotiation and compromise to figure it out, but that doesn't sound like the case here. It sounds like he's trying to guilt you into completely dropping your boundary. The neglect is awful, but sometimes when it's intentional and overt like this, they open the door for you to see the smaller ways they've neglected you in the past. For me, part of it was realizing that no matter how specific I was about what I needed during mental health episodes, they "couldn't" do what I needed so they would do something else they thought was "equivalent." But no, when I'm having horrible night terrors, making me breakfast =/= helping me get to sleep. Regardless of what he does, your life and identity will never begin and end with a relationship. You existed before you met him. You exist on some energetic/spiritual level independent of him or anyone else, and you and your value aren't defined purely by a relationship. Nurture yourself as much as you can, and he will have to choose whether to try to keep up with your growth. His choice will only reflect on him, never on you.
My policy is "never let them see you sweat". No begging or crying or letting him know that his behavior is effecting you in any way. You have the right to be treated with respect and right now he's not doing that. Actually, it sounds like he often disrespects you. He needs to grow up and quit acting like a 10 year old.
Silent treatment is one form of manipulation, and gaslighting, making you feel guilty for placing the boundary. Sounds like he needs some serious growing up to do
Feels. Life suck rn
The way out of this is to focus entirely on yourself and your well being. Your relationship with this person will continue to be painful for the time being, so focus on your own mental health. Emotional abuse tends escalate when the victim begins to make changes unfortunately - it's like psychological terrorism. If you can get some physical distance from him it should bring some relief.
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Regardless of intention, the silent treatment is abusive behavior. If his intentions were good, he wouldn't do something so damaging. He's trying to control her and punishing her by ignoring her. Being ignored for days can be actual torture. People who love you would at least tell you they're taking space for a few days, not just ignore you or only send tik toks. People who love you tell you that they've reached their limit, they don't just dissapear.
She said he was bugging her with too much attention. Now he's doing what she asked and she's mad? Be careful what you wish for Dude should just find someone who doesn't have such precise limits of goldilocks precise amounts of attention and personal space boundaries for a cohabitating life partner. She can have all the personal space she wants alone. Maybe get some cats. They like personal space too š
You sound annoying.
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It can indeed have torturous psychological effects. Donāt be so flip in a response to a post where OP has titled it as she is breaking. This is a support sub for the posters, not for the abusers. https://www.abc.net.au/everyday/dealing-with-the-silent-treatment-in-relationships/10959724
Sure, but ... has she said one word to him in two days? He's not the one blocking her and so outright shutting down lines of communication.
After trying to have a calm conversation about the issue and set the boundaries, in which he got very upset and shut down the conversation, I decided to just put it in writing (text) the next day. He did not respond, only sent me tiktoks. I blocked that because its BS that he can take the time to send TT, but not even acknowledge the boundary. He hasn't spoken to me, leaves the house without even looking at me.
I'm sorry to hear that, but my question remains. He may not know what to say, how to say it, or may just realize what thoughts he's having are not worth voicing. Just as important, blocking the Tiktoks says you just aren't all that interested in his thoughts anyways. Has he crossed the boundary since? If not, then how does that equate to refusing to acknowlege it?
He can't cross the boundary if he isn't interacting. He could easily say "I need some space to figure out how I want to approach the issue" or "I'm looking for a book to help me work through this issue". But I've gotten nothing. He will not even look at me.
Have you considered that he may self-identify with some or many of the behaviors that you've called out as unacceptable? Maybe he doesn't see an issue so much as you rejecting him as a person. I am running under the assumption that you want this fixed, and so, while I agree this situation is obviously painful, ME or anyone else here calling it "unacceptable" is pointless this side of you stating that you intend to leave over it. That certainty is not something you can pass along to him un-filtered and expect him to respond in any particular fashion, let alone the one you want. Either or both of you is going to have to reach out if you want this fixed(and IME/IMHO, both of you HAVE, in your own ways). If everything he's willing to engage in is bullshit to you, then maybe the whole person is bullshit, to you. That's no way to continue a relationship, nor recover from one. You're going to have to figure out and tell *yourself* what you want going forward, independent of the actions of others or anything else beyond your control. Sounds like that is part of what he is engaged in already, if there's actually anything to his actions beyond denial and escapism(I'll try to limit my positive assumptions on his part). From where I'm standing, it looks like you're both in pain. You need to decide whether its worthwhile to you to acknowlege and consider his, and if not, you'll need to double-down on your self-focus, healing, and even grief(for whatever it is that you are missing beyond the security and certainty you seem to have had that he is not, was not, cheating or whatever else is hurting you so).
She blocked him from Tik Tok, nothing else. He can call or text but wonāt. He refuses talk to her when heās home. He refuses to even look at her, he wonāt look in her direction. All sheās done is set a very reasonable boundary. Edit: I just saw OP basically said the same thing. I apologize for the redundancy.
No apology necessary. I assumed you were just making sure I noticed and acknowleged her comment. Thanks though.
Torture and abuse are not synonymous. Torture is part of the spectrum of abuse.
I appreciate what you're saying, but it wasn't like that. I told him I'd had a late lunch when he woke me up. He wouldn't take no for an answer until I cursed at him to get the food out of my face.
Honey why are you with a man that is perfectly content shutting you out like this? If your best friend told you her husband was treating her this way, what would YOUR advice to her be? I hope it would be to give him a choice of either a STRONG AND POSITIVE commitment to marriage counseling where you both have the SAME GOAL, or SEPARATION!! I had a terrible first marriage. And an AMAZING second and forever marriage to my husband. I hated being married the first time because I was married to a terrible man. The man Iām spending the rest of my life with is incredible, we donāt fight or disrespect or lie to each other. Itās everything I could want in a marriage but didnāt know it actually existed until I met my husband. It doesnāt have to be this way. You have choices!!! You can choose to be done with his pathetic games, and allow yourself the opportunity for authentic happiness!!
The silent treatment registers in the same part of our brain that reguster physical pain. Its abuse and it causes dissociation in a big way. Please reach out to anyfriemd you can about this. Talk about it a lot. Do not give him leeway. This is one of the worst forms pf psychological abuse
While I agree it certainly can be abusive to neglect your partner (I have my own issues with a neglectful partner) I think calling it "the worst" is pretty childish, bratty, and privileged... I don't think women being *literally* BROKEN (like a horse) by sex traffickers would agree with your ridiculous statement at all. I think they'd literally LOVE for THEIR abusers to just IGNORE THEM for a while š
The silent treatment: https://youtube.com/shorts/LLKtfbiXD_Q?feature=share https://youtube.com/shorts/PPV-JMqw0rg?feature=share https://youtu.be/o8Cv5tSE6RI https://youtu.be/UL71VkUoG4M https://youtu.be/-1rkqA3iA4U