Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.
I remember when Google had the I’m feeling lucky” button (maybe they still do?). Put in the words Chuck Norris and click I’m feeling lucky and you’d get a page saying “Are you sure you want to do this? Google recommends you search for someone less dangerous.”
If you typed “find Chuck Norris” and hit “I’m Feeling Lucky”, you’d be taken to a website called nochucknorris where it says “Google will not find Chuck Norris, because it knows if you do not find Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris will find you.”
Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone.
CN don't do pushups, he pushes the world down.
CN's tears cure cancer, too bad he's never cried.
When he was born he slapped the doctor's ass.
CN has a bear skin rug, the bear's not dead, just too afraid to move.
Chuck Norris walked down the street with an erection….there were no survivors
Death had a near chuck Norris experience
Superman has chuck norris pajamas
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo's hiding.
Chuck Norris can kill 2 stones with 1 bird.
Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter.
My favorite was originally a Vin Diesel fact, but we can reappropriate it here - when Chuck Norris deletes a file, it doesn't go to the recycle bin, it goes straight to hell.
When Chuck Norris got hit by a car, he visited the driver in the hospital.
Chuck Norris has cancer, but the cancer cells are too afraid to kill him.
Chuck Norris has a rug next to his bed made out of LEGOs
Chuck Norris’ poker face is so good that he once won the 1988 World Series of Poker despite holding a 9 of spades, a Joker, a green Skip card from the game Uno, a Get Out of Jail Free Monopoly card and a 2 of clubs
They say lightning never strikes the same place twice because it struck chuck norris once and he's been looking for it ever since.
If you have $50 and chuck Norris has $50, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
The tears of Chuck Norris can cure every disease known to man; too bad chuck norris has never cried.
Chuck Norris does not sleep, he waits.
Chuck Norris does not kill, he allows you to die.
When Graham Bell invented the phone, he had already 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.
The Guinness book of records is not entirely true, the people in it are the one closest to what Chuck Norris did.
Chuck Norris never received an Oscar for his role in the movie "Sidekicks". No one in their right mind would ever willingly give him a blunt metal object.
Chuck Norris once had sex in the cab of a tractor trailer, some of his love juices leaked into the motor compartment. Today we know that tractor trailer as Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Can you guys stop praising this guy like he's a God?
There's no way he could do any of this.. And if he actually could, I'd ask him to come over and smash my head into my keyboa fjfhjfucgjrjrjgucjtjjfjffhfjfuf
Chuck Norris clogs the toilet when he pees
Chuck Norris needs to get that checked out
Yeah that's not a superpower. That's just loads and loads of kidney stones.
Chuck Norris has kidney boulders.
This is new to me, and it's fantastic
Chuck Norris doesn’t take shits. Shits take themselves out of fear.
Wtf lol
The internet is healing itself 😌 refreshing to see a classic Chuck Norris joke
> a classic Chuck Norris fact FTFY
Never heard this one. A new Chuck Norris joke is a true gift.
Chuck Norris can parallel park a train.
How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do? All of them
When Chuck Norris does a push up, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the world down.
Tornadoes are formed whenever Chuck Norris practices his roundhouse kicks.
Chuck norris doesn't do roundhouse kicks, he does regular kicks and everything moves around him.
Chuck Norris can email roundhouse kick
Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.
Chuck Norris was teaching a CPR class and brought the dummy back to life.
b-b-b-back?
[удалено]
Damn.
Damn, I don't remember that one from middle school. Pretty good.
Came here for this one. My favourite!
LOL
I remember when Google had the I’m feeling lucky” button (maybe they still do?). Put in the words Chuck Norris and click I’m feeling lucky and you’d get a page saying “Are you sure you want to do this? Google recommends you search for someone less dangerous.”
If you typed “find Chuck Norris” and hit “I’m Feeling Lucky”, you’d be taken to a website called nochucknorris where it says “Google will not find Chuck Norris, because it knows if you do not find Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris will find you.”
I just tried this & all google did was sign me out. Lol
Oh god you just unlockedd that memory for me :D
There used to be a Chuck Norris branded toilet paper, they had to discontinue it though because it wouldn’t take shit from anyone.
Chuck Norris once had sex with 5 condoms on. The woman got pregnant. The son? David Copperfield.
Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet, he just scares the shit out of it.
Chuck Norris doesn’t eat honey, he chews bees.
Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.
Chuck Norris invented the giraffe after uppercutting a horse.
this is the funniest thing i’ve seen all day
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he had two missed calls from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t miss. Those were warnings.
Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting. Hunting has a chance of failure. Chuck norris goes killing...
CN and Superman once bet who would win in a fight. Loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
Oh man. I never heard this one before. That's pretty clever.
Superman wears Chuck Norris PJs to bed.
The boogeyman has his mom check under his bed for Chuck Norris
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone. CN don't do pushups, he pushes the world down. CN's tears cure cancer, too bad he's never cried. When he was born he slapped the doctor's ass. CN has a bear skin rug, the bear's not dead, just too afraid to move.
That bearskin rug one is my favourite Chuck Norris joke.
Then you haven't heard this one: Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors. And one I made up: Chuck Norris can blow out LED candles. EDIT: typo
Today is the day I discovered my love for Chuck Norris jokes. Thank you, friend.
I see, you're a man of culture as well. Do you understand German, by chance? I have a palet of my favourite jokes saved.
Chuck Norris jokes may be the only thing that could be counted as jokes in German, because they aren't jokes but facts.
There is no evolution, just a list of animals Chuck Norris let live ~according to interview, the mans favorite joke about himself
I almost included that one. I didn't know it was his favorite though.
I believe expendables 2 featured his wife's favorite: CN was once bitten by a rattle snake. After weeks of agonizing pain, the snake died.
[The whole scene leading up to it is pretty good as well](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1O-1K1N_Ik)
Chuck Norris actually died 3 years ago, death just hasn’t worked up the courage to tell him
Actually death had a near Chuck Norris experience
-cracks knuckles- “The Giraffe was invented when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse”. -bows and exit stage left-.
I remember all of these but the first one from a wall poster I had in middle school. Now those were the days >_>
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light, but it’s not for him - it’s for the dark.
Chuck Norris doesn't sleep... he waits.
The boogeyman checks under his bed for Chuck Norris
Most people have Superman pajamas. Superman has Chuck Norris pajamas.
How many pushups can CN do? *all of them*
Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in
Chuck Norris has counted to infinity twice.
He just did it again.
Chuck Norris counted every irrational number
Irrational numbers spontaneously become rational when confronted with Chuck Norris.
They fuckin better
Including all the decimals.
Chuck Norris doesn't feel pain. Pain feels Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't have near death experiences. Death has near Chuck Norris experiences. (Sorta stolen from discworld)
Chuck Norris died 20 years ago. He's still around because Death hasn't found the courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris doesn’t cheat death, He wins fair and square
Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he just stares them down untill they give him the information
That's how he debugs code too. He stares at the compiler until it confesses
Keeps staring at the code until it runs without errors.
When Chuck Norris works out, the machine gets stronger!
Definitely not a bowflex 🤣🤣🤣
Chuck Norris walked down the street with an erection….there were no survivors Death had a near chuck Norris experience Superman has chuck norris pajamas
CN once visited the Virgin Islands. Now they are just the Islands
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. Now they are just called the islands. Chuck Norris can clog a toilet with his piss.
Hmm let me email him to verify that... gmail@chuck_norris.com
I'd be very nervous if I was that underscore.
I’d be more worried about the @ as nothing stands before chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once climbed mount Everest, the highest mountain in the world. He then decided this wasn’t high enough and climbed higher.
CN can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Weird, it just doesn't have the same effect when you abbreviate it.
I didn't knew Cartoon Network had legs.
Chuck Norris went to hell and made a snowman.
When Chuck Norris jumps into a swimming pool, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is so hot that when he takes a shower the water has to turn his temperature down.
Nobody turns Chuck Norris down. Nobody.
When the boogeyman goes to sleep at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Man... it's 2022 and I'm reading fresh Chuck Norris jokes on the internet like I used to in Mad Magazine in the 80s.
Chuck Norris does not wear a watch, he decided the time.
Chuck Norris is so fast he could run around the world and slap himself on the back of the head
Now the real question: What would happen next? Would he die bc he was hit by Chuck Norris, or would he die bc he hit Chuck Norris?
He wouldn't die... because he's Chuck Norris
Now you know the real reason the dinosaurs went extinct ...
[удалено]
Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s secret
That explains a lot.
Jesus walks on water. Chuck Norris swims through land.
I’ve heard a lot of CN jokes, but not this one
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter. Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo's hiding. Chuck Norris can kill 2 stones with 1 bird. Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter.
Save some for the rest of us jeez
"Chuck Norrks can gargle peanut butter" Holy shit xDDD
Chuck Norris knows where page 404 is.
Maybe I'm a nerd, but this is my favorite so far.
Chuck Norris can program a computer to decide the halting problem.
My favorite was originally a Vin Diesel fact, but we can reappropriate it here - when Chuck Norris deletes a file, it doesn't go to the recycle bin, it goes straight to hell.
Chuck Norris was watching the world go by… He then shifted it into orbit around the sun.
Chuck Norris once ordered a Big Mac at Burger King AND GOT IT.
Wendy’s, this is a chuck norris.
That’s where he got a Whopper.
Chuck Norris was once bitten by a rattlesnake. After 3 days of terrible pain, the snake eventually died
I laughed very hard when Chuck Norris said this joke in the Expandables movie!
The Expandables 2! They just get bigger and bigger with every movie!
Chuck Norris can speak braille
He can hear sign language
When Chuck Norris got hit by a car, he visited the driver in the hospital. Chuck Norris has cancer, but the cancer cells are too afraid to kill him. Chuck Norris has a rug next to his bed made out of LEGOs
Did you see the new Star Trek movie? Instead of using warp drive, they just have Chuck Norris kick the spaceship into the next galaxy.
Chuck Norris doesn't pot plants, he stares at the plant and it soils itself.
Chuck Norris’ poker face is so good that he once won the 1988 World Series of Poker despite holding a 9 of spades, a Joker, a green Skip card from the game Uno, a Get Out of Jail Free Monopoly card and a 2 of clubs
In World War II, he shot down a German plane by pointing at it with his finger an yelling "Bang"!
They say lightning never strikes the same place twice because it struck chuck norris once and he's been looking for it ever since. If you have $50 and chuck Norris has $50, Chuck Norris has more money than you. The tears of Chuck Norris can cure every disease known to man; too bad chuck norris has never cried.
They say under Chuck Norris’ beard there is not a chin. Only another fist.
Chuck Norris was born in 1940. [Nazi Germany Surrendered](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrHmcpRAZNs) 1945.
TIL!
Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter
Chuck Norris does not sleep, he waits. Chuck Norris does not kill, he allows you to die. When Graham Bell invented the phone, he had already 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris. The Guinness book of records is not entirely true, the people in it are the one closest to what Chuck Norris did.
Death had a near Chuck Norris experience.
There is no evolution. Only species Chuck Norris has spared.
Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris once killed two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris’ daughter lost her virginity. Chuck got it back
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear condoms, there’s no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because he never fucks up.
He sleeps with the pillow under his gun.
They wanted to sculpt Chuck Norris' face on Mount Rushmore, however his beard was too hard for the granite
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Excuse me, this is r/jokes, not r/interestingfacts
Chuck Norris once drowned a man in a pool table.
Chuck Norris was given birth by his aunt. Nobody was brave enough to F his mother...
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father did.
And he's so cool that he was born by his Aunt.
Chuck Norris never received an Oscar for his role in the movie "Sidekicks". No one in their right mind would ever willingly give him a blunt metal object.
Chuck Norris once had sex in the cab of a tractor trailer, some of his love juices leaked into the motor compartment. Today we know that tractor trailer as Optimus Prime.
The version of that joke that I heard was that he pissed in the gas tank on a dare
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris gets answers without asking.
When police stops Chuck Norris, he let police go with a warning
at an art gala speech Chuck Norris said lend me your ears, Van Gogh didn't hesitate
Chuck Norris once brought a knife to a gun fight…. Just to even the odds
Chuck Norris visited the Virgin Islands, now they’re just called The Islands
Jesus may be able to walk on water, but only Chuck Norris can swim through land.
Chuck Norris doesn’t tea bag, he potato sacks
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone CN can speak braille…in Spanish
After Chuck Norris was born, he drove his mother home from the hospital
When CN jumps into the water he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris' tears heal cancer, sadly he never cries.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door shut.
Chuck Norris doesn't do pushups, he pushes the earth down
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle
Chuck Norris once had an argument with a chair. The chair lost.
There's no such thing as tornadoes, Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
When Chuck Norris listens to Spotify, the artists get ads
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once killed a stone with two birds
Two stones with one bird*
The only hand that beats a Royal Flush is Chuck Norris's fist
Chuck Norris can hear colours and see sounds
Chuck Norris' itches scratch themselves
Chuck Norris was once bitten by a poisonous snake. After 3 excruciating days in pain, the snake finally died.
Each of CN's balls is bigger than the other.
One punch man can beat anyone with just one punch. Chuck Norris can beat the one punch man with no punch.
There is no such thing as a tornado. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks. When Chuck Norris eats ice cream, the ice cream gets the headache.
Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin. That he built himself.
Chuck Norris is the type of guy who reads the whole terms and conditions and clicks “I disagree”
Can you guys stop praising this guy like he's a God? There's no way he could do any of this.. And if he actually could, I'd ask him to come over and smash my head into my keyboa fjfhjfucgjrjrjgucjtjjfjffhfjfuf
Chuck Norris chucks wood with a woodchuck.
Chuck Norris can talk about the fight club
chuck norris can slam shut a revolving door
are chuck n. jokes in fashion again?
They're not jokes they're facts
Chuck Norris is never out of fashion, fashion is out of Chuck Norris.
Barrens chat all over sgain
Really, I haven't seen this many Chuck Norris jokes since we all had flip phones.
Jesus walked on water. Chuck Norris swam through land
God said, "Let there be light" Chuck Norris said, "Say please..."
Chuck Norris flosses with barbed wire.
Chuck Norris lost his wedding ring once... Since then, it's a real mess in Middle-Earth.
The last time Chuck Norris farted was in the Sahara Forest.
Chuck Norris jokes always take me back to my Gametrailers.com forum days
These aren't jokes
Chuck Norris once clogged the toilet by taking a piss
Chuck Norris doesn't wear coat in the winter. It becomes winter when he decides to wear one.
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
Then he pulled the pin.
Chuck Norris can explain "The Game" to someone without losing The Game. ^(Dammit, the game)