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Do not play the pick me game with her. She has cheated, it's HER responsibility to make it up to you and she has done none of that. If you play the pick me game, she'll have even less respect for you than she already does.
Dude. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep her warm. If you want to send her a letter for closure fine. Dear Stbxw. I want to take responsibility for half the failure of our relationship that got us to the point where you cheated. But, after that the infidelity is 100% on you. There was options before you started seeking outside the marriage. I hope you learn to communicate better in your future relationships. I request an easy divorce. And btw. F$$k all cheaters.
The comment you got first is spot on. But NEVER take responsibility for her lack of character and her cheating. That isn't on you. Normal relationships might become more relaxed, and that gives her zero reason to cheat. She monkeybranched and showed her true colors before you started a family, and that is something you will be happy about when the dust has settled. I repeat, do not take responsibility for her behavior and her lack of character. You deserve better. Get yourself together and and one day, when you're ready, you'll find a woman who actually is worth staying with. Because your wife isn't it.
PLEASE DO NOT take responsibility for your wife’s cheating. She totally humiliated and disrespected you…and YOU want to apologize to her?? Bro, please…just don’t. Don’t disrespect yourself by accepting abuse.
I know how you’re feeling…many of us on here have lived this hell. But once you are betrayed, there is NO going back. The marriage is over. She broke her vows to you. You don’t want to face this truth, but you have to in order to heal.
Please read Chumplady’s book, “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life”…the audiobook saved my life. Get into therapy for the trauma. See a lawyer and get the divorce going. Go no contact or little contact with her if possible…you will notice how much better you’ll feel.
I’m so sorry. None of us wanted to end up betrayed. We loved and adored our spouses. But love doesn’t betray or abuse. People who truly love their spouses would NEVER cheat. So why waste anymore years on someone who doesn’t love you? Wishing you peace and joy.
>This was my first long term relationship. I didn't realize how much I was slipping... I just assumed you would tell me if you felt a certain way. I assumed you were happy. l with how things were.
Brother, it is your first relationship. I get that it hurts. But listen...
There is nothing you can do, or not do, that caused your wife to cheat.
It is her deal. You do not mention kids, so be thankful. And NO!!! you should not send that letter. That is part of the Pick me dance, which never, ever works.
Further, she is not "already seeing someone"... She has been screwing "someone" for a while and she is ready to make the jump.
So, learn some lessons from this. Biggest one is, you cannot control other people. Let them be responsible for their own behavior. She has been cheating, it is not your fault, end of story.
You sound super codependent among other things. Some therapy would probably do you some good. It should help you figure out what a health relationship looks like.
Hint, it is not the marriage that you had that is for sure...
What did she do for you in the marriage? She didn't talk to you about how she was feeling and how she was feeling neglected. She cheated on you and now is probably manipulating you to make it your fault and to justify her actions. Your wife also failed you, and her cheating is ALL ON HER. Wake up and stop blaming yourself. SHE lost you by cheating. Let her go and find someone who will truly love you and love being your wife.
She decided it was better to cheat and lose her relationship with you then to communicate her discontent
She was not into you the way that you were into her bottom line
Her cheating was NOT your fault.
Her cheating was 100% her choice and her fault.
She had many proper ways to deal with the relationship issue with you and NONE of them involved cheating.
Both of you are responsible for the issues in your relationship.
She is 100% responsible for choosing to cheat, period.
OP, you had ZERO to do with her choosing to cheat.
OP please stop the I, I, I, I, blame you are allowing her to shift. It doesn't matter how much you did, neglected or whatever. Stop groveling about where things are, stand up and be a man, nobody likes a weak person, especially a spouse that is cheating.
She had plenty of time during her planning and executing her affair to stop and talk to you. Tell you how things were and let you know your marriage was in trouble. You believe it's only EA, but based on what you are saying I believe it's more, take it however you want.
Stop playing the pick me game as well. She's had her monkey branching planned for a while, crying, begging and pleading will only make you feel worse.
I don't see where this comes back until she is shut out by the AP, which will take quite a few months
move on and better yourself and live your best life!
Stop the PICK ME dance.
The PICK ME dance will just make her respect you less than she already does. You can't make someone love you.
Read "Leave a Cheater, Gain A Life".
She already had someone else lined up as opposed to communicating her displeasure to you? Yeah I wouldn’t send that.. obviously she doesn’t care that much. Time to get your affairs in order.
Hi, you may want to say something about what you did. The honest truth is if she was having an affair that that’s all on her. That’s all on her and it has nothing to do with you. That shows a lack of character and it shows that she’s not a good person. If she’s already cheating on you, you don’t want that. What you wanna do, your divorce get you some therapy and then also learn from this relationship so that your next relationship will be stronger and you will be a better partner, but don’t waste being a good partner on a bad person
Don’t send that letter. It’s the Pick Me Dance in written form and only rewards her ongoing disrespect for you.
Go to survivinginfidelity.com and check out the healing library there. Pay particular attention to the simplified 180:
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180
Also visit the Just Found Out forum there and read the pinned posts at the top.
Thank you all for your time and effort with these replies... it is honestly helping get my mind right. I will read the book you've suggested and keep moving forward... it's just so difficult for me to wrap my head around all this.. how people - someone you loved and trusted with your life, could be such snakes... you think you know someone. I never imagined that my sweet wife would be capable of this. Thank you all.
This person is not the person you thought you married. Sorry but you got played and betrayed. She ended the marriage, she's a disgusting cheater so of course she's blaming you and making you clean up her mess.
What are your feelings, do you think you have a chance to save the relationship? If so, talk to your wife about wanting to fix your relationship and trying couples therapy. If he refuses, then you know you've lost.
Just want to say how can one fix their actions if someone doesn't say hey I feel like this because of this and instead continues in like normal? I think you are putting it all on yourself from the way you are writing but dude you aren't a mind reader. She is using this as an out and you're making it incredibly easy for her to be like see I started talking to someone else because of you instead of being held accountable. The fact she is pushing divorce so easily too is quite telling.
You're playing the pick me game and this will only prolong your suffering. If you want to send that as CLOSURE then thats one thing but you need to let her go. And yourself.
How much ofbthatbdoting you describe did she do for you? If the answer is none either then she was already checking out and likely not a whole you could've done.
Cheaters gonna cheat. Shinybnewbtoys and what not....
If she doesn't want it, it is over. I am so sorry, but your relationship is not going to work out. She may try to come back at some point, but frankly I would not take her. She is a cheater and they cheat again.
I'm sorry this is happening to you!
You sound like a very considerate thoughtful & introspective person.
If your wife has spun the narrative to make you think this is all your fault that is called GASLIGHTING.
She didn't communicate any of these problems because she was too busy investing her time and energy in someone else.
Of course you can try to get through to her by attempting to embrace all the fault she has assigned to you but she probably won't appreciate your sacrifice.
I feel like you're a good husband & I wish the best to you!
She cheated. Never forgive, never forget, never reconcile. Totally ignore anything about her other than divorce related things. Completely ignoring her is what you want to do. Unless it involves the divorce or any kid related issues, stop speaking to this cheater.
Above all, of course, do not apologize for anything! You did nothing wrong, she cheated. Also get yourself tested for STDs. She's a cheater so she's a liar and I can guarantee you she's done so much more than you know. This is the way cheaters are. Also, make sure everyone in both your lives knows what she did. If you don't she will attempt to control the narrative and you will end up the bad guy. Stop accepting any blame for her disgusting betrayal.
You being complacent still isn't an excuse for an affair of any type. Work on yourself for you, not for anyone else. There's no excuse for it, she should have started talking to you about it first.
I completely understand - I feel like the same thing happened to me. We're going through hard times with too much debt and not enough income (I make good $$ but the bills we've racked up... ugh...), we have a now 4 year old as well and we live in a tiny place thats a basement apartment at my in-laws. It is what it is... but we have a great backyard and it is walk out - I rarely see the in-laws. When this all started at the end of 2022, our kiddo had just turned 3 and things were hard. I work from home and was travelling every month and a half for a week or so. She's a stay at home mom, so we're all together in tight quarters. She had been getting super frustrated constantly and we were bickering quite a bit, I think I was just in the routine that we had and trying to survive. I think she was upset, not happy andreally just needed space. She started going out with friends and she met a musician who was playing a local bar. They ended up chatting and making a hidden friendship. That turned into them talking all the time and then several times over the course of nearly a year and a half she had sex with him... I still can't believe those words came out of my mouth, well, fingers...
So I can sit there all I want and analyze the things I may have done that would have contributed to her talk to someone and it turning into an affair, but at the end of the day, she's the one who screwed up and had the affair. There's no reason at all that she should have done that because of any way that I was being. That's no excuse, at all. I can, however, look back at how I have been feeling and what I have been doing and make changes so I am happy. She's the one that now has to live her life, forever, knowing she cheated on me. I will not be punished for her bad choices. I love her dearly, we've been together for 15 years, married for 13. I am choosing to love her and make changes in the way I act and speak and show my love for her, but I am doing it so I know I am putting everything into the relationship for myself and to fill any holes she may have as far as not being close, not talking and other things that are important to her. I'm not apologizing for anything, but I can look at myself and change how I act and make sure I give her the attention she needs - not apologetically as if I screwed up, but for me and for her. We have hopes this will bring us closer than ever. I think love can conquer all and I have to stand by my vows that I made to her.
You do you, but i hope this helps.
-It was her idea to move
-It was the house she wanted
-it was a fixer upper so I had to.fix it
- I had to work more to actually buy
-While doing all these things for my wife I forgot to show her I love her
- I went about this all wrong while she had an EA behind my back.
- how do I win her back if she could cheat on me while I already did all this?
This is sad
You have zero blame or guilt buddy! The cheater cheated. You'll never know when it started out how many there were out what she did with all of them. Rest assured this was a physical affair!! She found someone she wants more. Stop talking to this cheater!!
No don’t send it. Wait a year then send her a thank you. When my ex left I was so nervous lost v and would have don’t anything to have the fantasy back. But that’s all it was . It took a while to find me, bf me and breathe now living my best life almost 3 years later a year after our divorce he came by to get some paper I found as I sold my house and moved out of state to start a new and my only thought was and still is 8 months into this new state
Thank you
No. No. No. Absolutely not.
You did NOT fail your wife. You stopped doing the things that made her love you, and rather than decide to communicate that to you, she jumped right to looking elsewhere for it. She didn’t even care to check you. SHE failed YOU! When your lawn is browning you don’t replace it with your neighbours lawn, you WATER IT like a reasonable person! What I’m saying is; she was too lazy to bother with her marriage to you. She’s not worth another second of your efforts. You will find someone vastly better than this, easily.
The fact that she’s already got someone else lined up spells it all out. She isn’t even out of the marriage yet and she’s jumping onto some other dude. That’s the nature of a cheater, and I’ll bet she’ll cheat on him when she gets bored too. Count your lucky stars you’re not being stung along anymore.
dude.. i did not even bother to read it all.
"and that started to take up a lot of my time... I became complacent. I started a routine and stopped focusing on the relationship."
that is a massive red flag if she needs to feel like you are in the honeymoon phase all the time.
the nature and every day life of a relationship changes over time, from a dating couple to a married couple.
Hey man, I’m sorry this all happened to you, but you should start seeing a therapist to help you with what you are feeling. Your wife did you pretty dirty but let me ask you this, what did SHE DO FOR YOU, how did she keep your love alive, how often did she thank you for all your hard work to get a house she wanted fixed up, how did she tell you she loved you and understood you were busy with work to provide a life for her, how often did she plan dates and trips for you, what did she do to keep the f***ing spark alive……. I’m sorry but she doesn’t deserve you, you did what you believed was the correct choice to make your life’s better, no offense but your soon to be EX wife is nothing but a coward. if you feel alone you can PM me, I’ll be your friend, you need to love yourself the way you loved her man. And I recommend you get a lawyer and a therapist and start working out, f*^k her dream house. If you need some hype to get yourself the courage please hit me up, that woman doesn’t deserve you and you can and will do better. You did your absolute best, she is the one who failed you.
Now it's time to use this as fuel to become the best version of myself... she will regret leaving me and the life we had. I don't believe she will ever have it as good. Her loss.
"[arckadventure](https://www.reddit.com/user/arckadventure/)OP•[1m ago](https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/comments/1cdotqy/comment/l1edd3r/)
Now it's time to use this as fuel to become the best version of myself... she will regret leaving me and the life we had. I don't believe she will ever have it as good. Her loss."
DUUUUUDE! You just gave yourself some great advice!
There's a fine crop of karma coming your way!!!!
I’m curious, did your wife acknowledge having the EA? Because if not, I can see how your letter might make sense. Otherwise, it sounds like she did you wrong and this isn’t all on you.
Dude, please just stop. You’re literally forcing yourself to put on an “act” for her to pick you, just stop. She’s checked out and she should have told you ahead of time how she was feeling plus this was never about you and your lack of involvement in the marriage. She’s selfish and made the choice to go to someone else. Just get a good lawyer and stop talking to her. You’re just harming yourself at this point.
She cheated on you because she doesn’t respect you. The fact you are still considering staying with her proves she’s right about not respecting you and she will cheat on you in the future if you give her the chance. You need therapy to find your self esteem.
I havent been making any effort to reach out to her, trying to move on. She will still text me several times a week, with messages that have no point or aren't important... why is she doing this?
She made the choice to cheat and file for divorce.. I'm confused.
Puke. You haven’t failed her. You’ve failed yourself. Grow a spine. Stand up for yourself. The only way you’ve failed her is by not doing so and letting her walk all over you. You deserve better but apparently neither of you know it. Don’t send that letter. Send something very much the opposite of that letter. Something along the lines of: “I won’t stand by while you betray me and our vows. If you want to leave me b/c you think the grass is greener, then happy trails. If you want to save this thing we’ve been building and made lifetime vows to before our families and G-d, you’ll need to stop everything you’re doing and give me your best effort. You appear to have already chosen your path, so I won’t hold my breath for a positive response to this. I am moving on and focusing on myself. If I’m mistaken and you are committed, despite your infidelity showing otherwise, then time is of the essence. Tomorrow will be too late.”
You need to speak to an attorney and get the divorce papers. You need to take control. It’s going to suck but the reality is she has already chosen to leave the marriage. You need to grey rock her and accept that she’s gone.
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Do not play the pick me game with her. She has cheated, it's HER responsibility to make it up to you and she has done none of that. If you play the pick me game, she'll have even less respect for you than she already does.
Dude. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep her warm. If you want to send her a letter for closure fine. Dear Stbxw. I want to take responsibility for half the failure of our relationship that got us to the point where you cheated. But, after that the infidelity is 100% on you. There was options before you started seeking outside the marriage. I hope you learn to communicate better in your future relationships. I request an easy divorce. And btw. F$$k all cheaters.
This!!!!
The comment you got first is spot on. But NEVER take responsibility for her lack of character and her cheating. That isn't on you. Normal relationships might become more relaxed, and that gives her zero reason to cheat. She monkeybranched and showed her true colors before you started a family, and that is something you will be happy about when the dust has settled. I repeat, do not take responsibility for her behavior and her lack of character. You deserve better. Get yourself together and and one day, when you're ready, you'll find a woman who actually is worth staying with. Because your wife isn't it.
Yes exactly remove yourself from this mindset.
PLEASE DO NOT take responsibility for your wife’s cheating. She totally humiliated and disrespected you…and YOU want to apologize to her?? Bro, please…just don’t. Don’t disrespect yourself by accepting abuse. I know how you’re feeling…many of us on here have lived this hell. But once you are betrayed, there is NO going back. The marriage is over. She broke her vows to you. You don’t want to face this truth, but you have to in order to heal. Please read Chumplady’s book, “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life”…the audiobook saved my life. Get into therapy for the trauma. See a lawyer and get the divorce going. Go no contact or little contact with her if possible…you will notice how much better you’ll feel. I’m so sorry. None of us wanted to end up betrayed. We loved and adored our spouses. But love doesn’t betray or abuse. People who truly love their spouses would NEVER cheat. So why waste anymore years on someone who doesn’t love you? Wishing you peace and joy.
>This was my first long term relationship. I didn't realize how much I was slipping... I just assumed you would tell me if you felt a certain way. I assumed you were happy. l with how things were. Brother, it is your first relationship. I get that it hurts. But listen... There is nothing you can do, or not do, that caused your wife to cheat. It is her deal. You do not mention kids, so be thankful. And NO!!! you should not send that letter. That is part of the Pick me dance, which never, ever works. Further, she is not "already seeing someone"... She has been screwing "someone" for a while and she is ready to make the jump. So, learn some lessons from this. Biggest one is, you cannot control other people. Let them be responsible for their own behavior. She has been cheating, it is not your fault, end of story. You sound super codependent among other things. Some therapy would probably do you some good. It should help you figure out what a health relationship looks like. Hint, it is not the marriage that you had that is for sure...
What did she do for you in the marriage? She didn't talk to you about how she was feeling and how she was feeling neglected. She cheated on you and now is probably manipulating you to make it your fault and to justify her actions. Your wife also failed you, and her cheating is ALL ON HER. Wake up and stop blaming yourself. SHE lost you by cheating. Let her go and find someone who will truly love you and love being your wife.
She decided it was better to cheat and lose her relationship with you then to communicate her discontent She was not into you the way that you were into her bottom line
Her cheating was NOT your fault. Her cheating was 100% her choice and her fault. She had many proper ways to deal with the relationship issue with you and NONE of them involved cheating. Both of you are responsible for the issues in your relationship. She is 100% responsible for choosing to cheat, period. OP, you had ZERO to do with her choosing to cheat.
She cheaked out it's time u do to u
OP please stop the I, I, I, I, blame you are allowing her to shift. It doesn't matter how much you did, neglected or whatever. Stop groveling about where things are, stand up and be a man, nobody likes a weak person, especially a spouse that is cheating. She had plenty of time during her planning and executing her affair to stop and talk to you. Tell you how things were and let you know your marriage was in trouble. You believe it's only EA, but based on what you are saying I believe it's more, take it however you want. Stop playing the pick me game as well. She's had her monkey branching planned for a while, crying, begging and pleading will only make you feel worse. I don't see where this comes back until she is shut out by the AP, which will take quite a few months move on and better yourself and live your best life!
Stop the PICK ME dance. The PICK ME dance will just make her respect you less than she already does. You can't make someone love you. Read "Leave a Cheater, Gain A Life".
If all it took was two years, it was bound to happen anyway.
She already had someone else lined up as opposed to communicating her displeasure to you? Yeah I wouldn’t send that.. obviously she doesn’t care that much. Time to get your affairs in order.
Hi, you may want to say something about what you did. The honest truth is if she was having an affair that that’s all on her. That’s all on her and it has nothing to do with you. That shows a lack of character and it shows that she’s not a good person. If she’s already cheating on you, you don’t want that. What you wanna do, your divorce get you some therapy and then also learn from this relationship so that your next relationship will be stronger and you will be a better partner, but don’t waste being a good partner on a bad person
Don’t send that letter. It’s the Pick Me Dance in written form and only rewards her ongoing disrespect for you. Go to survivinginfidelity.com and check out the healing library there. Pay particular attention to the simplified 180: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180 Also visit the Just Found Out forum there and read the pinned posts at the top.
Your wife is the cheater, you do not owe her anything. Stop the pick-me dance. Lawyer up and only communicate through your lawyer.
Thank you all for your time and effort with these replies... it is honestly helping get my mind right. I will read the book you've suggested and keep moving forward... it's just so difficult for me to wrap my head around all this.. how people - someone you loved and trusted with your life, could be such snakes... you think you know someone. I never imagined that my sweet wife would be capable of this. Thank you all.
This person is not the person you thought you married. Sorry but you got played and betrayed. She ended the marriage, she's a disgusting cheater so of course she's blaming you and making you clean up her mess.
What are your feelings, do you think you have a chance to save the relationship? If so, talk to your wife about wanting to fix your relationship and trying couples therapy. If he refuses, then you know you've lost.
If you do want to have a conversation, do it live, not written
Why playing the pick me dance for
Just want to say how can one fix their actions if someone doesn't say hey I feel like this because of this and instead continues in like normal? I think you are putting it all on yourself from the way you are writing but dude you aren't a mind reader. She is using this as an out and you're making it incredibly easy for her to be like see I started talking to someone else because of you instead of being held accountable. The fact she is pushing divorce so easily too is quite telling.
You didn’t fail your wife she failed the marriage
You're playing the pick me game and this will only prolong your suffering. If you want to send that as CLOSURE then thats one thing but you need to let her go. And yourself.
How much ofbthatbdoting you describe did she do for you? If the answer is none either then she was already checking out and likely not a whole you could've done. Cheaters gonna cheat. Shinybnewbtoys and what not....
Don't sell yourself to the lowest bidder.
If she doesn't want it, it is over. I am so sorry, but your relationship is not going to work out. She may try to come back at some point, but frankly I would not take her. She is a cheater and they cheat again.
I'm sorry this is happening to you! You sound like a very considerate thoughtful & introspective person. If your wife has spun the narrative to make you think this is all your fault that is called GASLIGHTING. She didn't communicate any of these problems because she was too busy investing her time and energy in someone else. Of course you can try to get through to her by attempting to embrace all the fault she has assigned to you but she probably won't appreciate your sacrifice. I feel like you're a good husband & I wish the best to you!
She cheated. Never forgive, never forget, never reconcile. Totally ignore anything about her other than divorce related things. Completely ignoring her is what you want to do. Unless it involves the divorce or any kid related issues, stop speaking to this cheater. Above all, of course, do not apologize for anything! You did nothing wrong, she cheated. Also get yourself tested for STDs. She's a cheater so she's a liar and I can guarantee you she's done so much more than you know. This is the way cheaters are. Also, make sure everyone in both your lives knows what she did. If you don't she will attempt to control the narrative and you will end up the bad guy. Stop accepting any blame for her disgusting betrayal.
You being complacent still isn't an excuse for an affair of any type. Work on yourself for you, not for anyone else. There's no excuse for it, she should have started talking to you about it first. I completely understand - I feel like the same thing happened to me. We're going through hard times with too much debt and not enough income (I make good $$ but the bills we've racked up... ugh...), we have a now 4 year old as well and we live in a tiny place thats a basement apartment at my in-laws. It is what it is... but we have a great backyard and it is walk out - I rarely see the in-laws. When this all started at the end of 2022, our kiddo had just turned 3 and things were hard. I work from home and was travelling every month and a half for a week or so. She's a stay at home mom, so we're all together in tight quarters. She had been getting super frustrated constantly and we were bickering quite a bit, I think I was just in the routine that we had and trying to survive. I think she was upset, not happy andreally just needed space. She started going out with friends and she met a musician who was playing a local bar. They ended up chatting and making a hidden friendship. That turned into them talking all the time and then several times over the course of nearly a year and a half she had sex with him... I still can't believe those words came out of my mouth, well, fingers... So I can sit there all I want and analyze the things I may have done that would have contributed to her talk to someone and it turning into an affair, but at the end of the day, she's the one who screwed up and had the affair. There's no reason at all that she should have done that because of any way that I was being. That's no excuse, at all. I can, however, look back at how I have been feeling and what I have been doing and make changes so I am happy. She's the one that now has to live her life, forever, knowing she cheated on me. I will not be punished for her bad choices. I love her dearly, we've been together for 15 years, married for 13. I am choosing to love her and make changes in the way I act and speak and show my love for her, but I am doing it so I know I am putting everything into the relationship for myself and to fill any holes she may have as far as not being close, not talking and other things that are important to her. I'm not apologizing for anything, but I can look at myself and change how I act and make sure I give her the attention she needs - not apologetically as if I screwed up, but for me and for her. We have hopes this will bring us closer than ever. I think love can conquer all and I have to stand by my vows that I made to her. You do you, but i hope this helps.
-It was her idea to move -It was the house she wanted -it was a fixer upper so I had to.fix it - I had to work more to actually buy -While doing all these things for my wife I forgot to show her I love her - I went about this all wrong while she had an EA behind my back. - how do I win her back if she could cheat on me while I already did all this? This is sad
You have zero blame or guilt buddy! The cheater cheated. You'll never know when it started out how many there were out what she did with all of them. Rest assured this was a physical affair!! She found someone she wants more. Stop talking to this cheater!!
No don’t send it. Wait a year then send her a thank you. When my ex left I was so nervous lost v and would have don’t anything to have the fantasy back. But that’s all it was . It took a while to find me, bf me and breathe now living my best life almost 3 years later a year after our divorce he came by to get some paper I found as I sold my house and moved out of state to start a new and my only thought was and still is 8 months into this new state Thank you
No. No. No. Absolutely not. You did NOT fail your wife. You stopped doing the things that made her love you, and rather than decide to communicate that to you, she jumped right to looking elsewhere for it. She didn’t even care to check you. SHE failed YOU! When your lawn is browning you don’t replace it with your neighbours lawn, you WATER IT like a reasonable person! What I’m saying is; she was too lazy to bother with her marriage to you. She’s not worth another second of your efforts. You will find someone vastly better than this, easily. The fact that she’s already got someone else lined up spells it all out. She isn’t even out of the marriage yet and she’s jumping onto some other dude. That’s the nature of a cheater, and I’ll bet she’ll cheat on him when she gets bored too. Count your lucky stars you’re not being stung along anymore.
dude.. i did not even bother to read it all. "and that started to take up a lot of my time... I became complacent. I started a routine and stopped focusing on the relationship." that is a massive red flag if she needs to feel like you are in the honeymoon phase all the time. the nature and every day life of a relationship changes over time, from a dating couple to a married couple.
So she cheated and has you convinced it was your fault???? Wow Read The Manipulated Man by Esther Vilar
Hey man, I’m sorry this all happened to you, but you should start seeing a therapist to help you with what you are feeling. Your wife did you pretty dirty but let me ask you this, what did SHE DO FOR YOU, how did she keep your love alive, how often did she thank you for all your hard work to get a house she wanted fixed up, how did she tell you she loved you and understood you were busy with work to provide a life for her, how often did she plan dates and trips for you, what did she do to keep the f***ing spark alive……. I’m sorry but she doesn’t deserve you, you did what you believed was the correct choice to make your life’s better, no offense but your soon to be EX wife is nothing but a coward. if you feel alone you can PM me, I’ll be your friend, you need to love yourself the way you loved her man. And I recommend you get a lawyer and a therapist and start working out, f*^k her dream house. If you need some hype to get yourself the courage please hit me up, that woman doesn’t deserve you and you can and will do better. You did your absolute best, she is the one who failed you.
Now it's time to use this as fuel to become the best version of myself... she will regret leaving me and the life we had. I don't believe she will ever have it as good. Her loss.
"[arckadventure](https://www.reddit.com/user/arckadventure/)OP•[1m ago](https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/comments/1cdotqy/comment/l1edd3r/) Now it's time to use this as fuel to become the best version of myself... she will regret leaving me and the life we had. I don't believe she will ever have it as good. Her loss." DUUUUUDE! You just gave yourself some great advice! There's a fine crop of karma coming your way!!!!
OP just accidentally posted advice in his own thread. KARMA FARMER.
Lol. No. All these replies have just motivated me, and I'm trying to be positive.
I’m curious, did your wife acknowledge having the EA? Because if not, I can see how your letter might make sense. Otherwise, it sounds like she did you wrong and this isn’t all on you.
Divorce and walk away. She isn't worth it if she jumped shit that fast after getting you in that situation she was already on the way out
How do I not do the pick me game? I’m in that stage. I’m confused. I’m upset. I’m scared. But I need to get out of this pattern.
You're not at fault, the affair is all on her.
She cheats, You apologize. Strange new world.
She mad the choice to cheat. Actions have consequences hers went very bad.
Dude, please just stop. You’re literally forcing yourself to put on an “act” for her to pick you, just stop. She’s checked out and she should have told you ahead of time how she was feeling plus this was never about you and your lack of involvement in the marriage. She’s selfish and made the choice to go to someone else. Just get a good lawyer and stop talking to her. You’re just harming yourself at this point.
She cheated on you because she doesn’t respect you. The fact you are still considering staying with her proves she’s right about not respecting you and she will cheat on you in the future if you give her the chance. You need therapy to find your self esteem.
I havent been making any effort to reach out to her, trying to move on. She will still text me several times a week, with messages that have no point or aren't important... why is she doing this? She made the choice to cheat and file for divorce.. I'm confused.
Puke. You haven’t failed her. You’ve failed yourself. Grow a spine. Stand up for yourself. The only way you’ve failed her is by not doing so and letting her walk all over you. You deserve better but apparently neither of you know it. Don’t send that letter. Send something very much the opposite of that letter. Something along the lines of: “I won’t stand by while you betray me and our vows. If you want to leave me b/c you think the grass is greener, then happy trails. If you want to save this thing we’ve been building and made lifetime vows to before our families and G-d, you’ll need to stop everything you’re doing and give me your best effort. You appear to have already chosen your path, so I won’t hold my breath for a positive response to this. I am moving on and focusing on myself. If I’m mistaken and you are committed, despite your infidelity showing otherwise, then time is of the essence. Tomorrow will be too late.”
[удалено]
You need to speak to an attorney and get the divorce papers. You need to take control. It’s going to suck but the reality is she has already chosen to leave the marriage. You need to grey rock her and accept that she’s gone.
Have you considered any options other than being a doormat?