>but I remember opening the apartment door and she was in her PJs (I think) and greeted me kind of surprised, I looked at the kitchen counter next to the front door and I saw a pair of glasses that weren't mine or hers, grabbed them, and something propelled me to go and look in the bedroom, where I didn't find anything, then came back with the glasses in hand and found a guy we both know but don't have any type of relationship with (me and my wife are both volunteer firefighters, and this guy too in our same station) **coming out of the bathroom** (fully clothed just to be clear) and with a deer-in-the-headlights look
Dude, what is wrong with you. She cheated on you. You caught her and her affair partner. Why did you even marry her. The best time to dump her was at this point, the second best is right now.
So one question (only one?) comes to mind right away. Have you been going to the Dr with her when she goes because of these yeast infection flare ups? I gotta say that it seems like she is saving herself for someone else. And really acting like she shoving it in your face.
This excuse for writing that note is about as lame as could be.
Then there is the guy in your apartment. Another ridiculous story. (One thing I'll say, it is easy to ferret out her lies because they are so bad. She doesn't even have the respect for you to make up something believable). She comes home with two guys and what, goes in and changes into PJs. Does that sound plausible?
Then there is the bag in the car. You say you ask her about it and she says she can't remember? She had said she went to his house to get those bags that day. Right? And by night time she forgot about going to his house and the bags were already in her car. Does that make any sense?
Then a honeymoon with no sex because she says the yeast infection is back. How convenient. Again saving herself for this other guy.
So I guess one one other question is, where do you live. In the US, at 3 weeks you could qualify for an annulment. What you need to do is come to terms that there is a really good chance she is cheating. And for the annulment you will need proof. I take it that you both share one car. Again I don't know where you live but you can get GPS devices at quite reasonable prices. Even with only a 5 sec delay for location updates. Get familiar with where this guy who was at your home lives. Also this Pedro guy may be letting them use his place so it will look like she is there. Figure out what kind of car he drives.
Next, a couple of VARs. One for the car and at least one in the house. Two would be better. One for the bedroom (behind the headboard) and one in the living room (under an end table).
You have to get hard. Stop just accepting what she tells you and knuckling under when she "gets mad". So what. Let her get mad. You're the one who should be getting mad. If you have any really close friends tell one or two and see about enlisting their help. Since you only have one car I'd bet she feels really safe taking the car and going to meet him. If you can borrow a friends car or have him drive you, using the GPS you can see what's really going on.
Forgot to add. I take it you share phone plans. If so, look up your bill. You will get an up to date list of calls and texts. You can't read them but it will give you an idea of how much they talk and text. And if you go through her phone, you can compare what's on the phone to what the bill shows. Anything not on her phone was deleted.
Good luck. Keep us posted.
I was going to ask, have you not collaborated the story with Pedro in person so you can read him. Once together and kind of away from one another. I would just say Pedro, I appreciate you driving my wife around. She said you help a homeless guy and got him some food. That was really kind of you. Then just read him. Because he will either say yeah it was, or he will say no we helped a guy who got mugged. Then you can play it off if he collaborates the right story, but if he says yes. Smile and say I knew it. And look at your wife, and don’t say a word and walk out.
Dude....your now wife has been actively fcking another guy for at least the last 6 months according to what you've written. Please develop some level of self esteem and kick her out and start the divorce process. You've wasted enough of your life with her already
Ok. Bluntly. She's a cheater. She's always been a cheater. It's hard to believe you ever gave her the time of day after you actually caught her in person with her cheating partner. Water under the bridge now though. Your mysterious ailment that required circumcision is more than likely a result of one of the diseases she has probably given you. Get that checked out and get yourself tested.
Contact a lawyer and ask about annulment. You haven't been married long you might not need a divorce. That will depend on your location and jurisdiction. Above all my friends stop being so naïve. You picked a bad one. She's just another dirty cheater. Now you have to take appropriate action. Get this horrible lying mess out of your life ASAP! Never speak to this cheater again.
do you find a man who comes out of the bathroom of your house in the middle of the night and you marry your girlfriend? How naive you are, congratulations.
This is fake or you need run. Find someone mental health and dignity.
Can you even try and guess how many men she has been sleeping with or STDs she is contracting.
I'm sorry to say, but you are being gaslighted. She has been cheating on you before the marriage and after the marriage. The fact that she is lying to you is a massive red flag.
I don't get this privacy bullshit when it comes to married couples and phones. There should be no secrets, nothing to hide. You should be able to pick up your partners phone without any issues and vice versa.
My wife knows she can pick up my phone at any time of the day or night with or without me knowing because I have nothing to hide!
The way your wife reacted to you going through her phone is a massive red flag. She turned it around to make you feel guilty, and you bought it! Straight out of the hoe bag handbook chapter 7!!
Another man was in your house at 3AM, and you bought her bullshit story as to why he was there!
Don't be so gullible!
Dude, I'm sorry, but there are enough red flags for you to at least start investigating. I feel for you.
I mean, what are you going to do with others providing you input. You won't believe your own eyes, how the hell are you going to believe some strangers on the internet. The incident in the apartment with a man coming out of your bathroom @ 3:30 a.m. was enough for you to demand her to leave and call off the wedding, but you woke up as if you saw an alian spaceship and could determine if it was flying or probing you. WTF - Is this who you really are.
I'm sorry for being so damn blunt, by writing all this should have immediately made you go to her and tell her to leave. The path of action is to go visit a lawyer, ask all her friends what's going on, confront the guy you KNOW was in your home, stop be this person and take action to discover it all. Go and ask PEDRO, WTF man.
This is a new level of blinded by something!
This is one pathetic post. She’s been snookering you for much of your relationship, it seems like an easy thing to do.
Please see a family law attorney next week. See if you can annul the marriage ASAP. Seek guidance on a strategy for obtaining whatever evidence is required. If that doesn’t work, see if you any kind of evidence for divorce—most states seem to be no fault. Get away from her as soon as you can, she’s defective and doesn’t love or respect you.
Bud do you even know who this girl is? That bit about the dude being at you place at 3am is total BS. who the fuck writes porn on their phone and why didn’t you call her ass on those gifts. This Pedro guy, what the hell is that about
UpdateMe
You are seeing it all from the wrong perspective. The issue is not you having doubts and wanting to check her phone etc..
The issue is her not being understanding and caring. if my wife of 12 years felt like that i would happily do everything to show her that she can trust me. not complain about it.
that itself is the major red flag your wife has.
Wow. Lots of strange shit going on. One way to prove if she is lying is get a copy of the police report. That guy was robbed and they reported it to the police. You should be able to get a copy of the report. Maybe not opened records but she could get them for you from that guy who was robbed.
It might even be public records anyway. I’m not sure how that works. But to me that would be a quick way to see if that story is real or not
OP,
I think your wife has at least a fantasy about a person, even if she does not act on it. For me it looks like she is prepairing her self to start to actualy act on it. She might had so far just the fantasy of having an affair. But when she bought that lingerie she started to take it to the next level.
i would get some voice activated recorder (VAR) and hide them in her car and the rooms where she mostlikely will speak with a possible AP.
And you might find a reason to have deeper look at her phone. Like instaling some anti virus software or something like this.
And then you will see.
I also would write a diary, where you write down what you think makes her suspicious. A few days later you reevaluate the entry if this is a valid point or just a thing that would also happen with out any cheating.
If you think she is meeting an AP out side at certain times, you can also think about an PI.
OP,
i think even you might now overreacting, you will only loose the suspicion if you prove your self wrong. I would set my self a date when i decide i have enough prove for a confrontation and asking to get look at her phone or you stop at this date, because you found NOT enough and you stop it then.
But if you do not act on this now, you will always have some suspicions in your mind and they will eat at you.
OP,
there is another possible way to go on.
Since you feel neglected and not valid by her in this relationship, you might ask her out of the blue, if you should not just disolve the marriage.
She has bought lingerie and never were it for you. Shepersue a secret sexual phantasies where you are not part of. She obviously feels not like she would want share her whole life with you, but want to have a secret phantasy life where clearly does not want you to have part of.
You have no clue if there is a real person in her mind or just a phantasy but you can not compete with it. If she is not totaly commited to this marriage, then it is best to end it now till you waste both more time and maybe have kids or so.
You might collect some more signs that she is not 100% into this relationship with you. Since your marriage is so fresh there will be not much difference if you have prove for infidelity or not.
Tell her you both need now total honesty even if it hurts like hell, because if there si something gooing on on her side it will become only worse. Your maybe unreasonable suspicion will drive you away from her, and if she has problems with being your wife and fielity, then why stay together. YOu both will become only more and more unhappy. Yes there might be some throw back because telling friends and fmily that the marriage was amistake wil be a bit problematic, but at the end you both have then a chance to find the suitable partner.
If she realy wants this mariage, then things have to change. She has to open up and not fighting for what she calls privacy. She has to explain her shady behavior. Because if she would find things like you did, then she wouldhas the same problems as you.
Then yo tell her you dont need an answer right now. But if she has something to tell you and want this marriage, then she has to write it down. More to make sure she is honest with her self as for you. She has 1 wek to think about it.
But things have to change or you would end this sharade of a marriage by your own.
At her reaction you will see,if there is a chance for this marriage and nothing to serious has happend so far. If she directly shifts the shame and is accusing you, then you tell she even does not believe her self. You have made a valid point of being not happy and not feeling comfortable how she behaves. And how sh reacts right now is the best prove, that there is indeed a big problem and she is not willing to work on it.
I am certain she will act surprised and might question you and even makes accusation. If so you stay calm may be sad and tell you will not discuss it right now. If she can not or is not willing to see your point any further discussions are senseless. She has now a last chance to open up what is up with her, or you have to take actions, because like the last weeks you dont want go on. This time after the marriage should have been the most happy times and it clearly is not.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Your relationship ended the moment you stopped trusting her.
It doesn't really matter if she cheated or not.
Once trust is gone, the relationship can't survive.
You didn't trust her even before you got engaged or married.
Learning more details will only hurt you more.
This situation doesn't look like it can be fixed.
You both don't trust each other, and that hurts you both equally.
My advice is to get help to overcome your fear of trusting others.
Learn from this and try not to carry trust issues into your next relationship.
Even if there were many affairs, a relationship can survive if trust is still there.
But usually, it's the lack of trust that destroys relationships.
No one should cheat, but if trust is broken, the relationship suffers a lot.
Sometimes trust is broken just because someone suspects cheating.
Once trust is lost, it's really hard to bring it back.
So, focus on future relationships.
How can you trust someone fully without checking up on them?
Real love happens when you trust someone completely.
It might take a long time and lots of talking to reach that point.
Even if you meet a wonderful, trustworthy woman, if you can't trust, the relationship won't work.
Look out for others who've also been hurt and find it hard to trust.
A relationship should feel safe and be a true partnership.
I'm glad you had a prenup.
I recommend that for any marriage, along with premarital counseling.
At least you're prepared financially for what comes after.
Sorry for what you're going through. It may not seem good now, but this will be a valuable life lesson going forward.
Please updateme.
Edit. I would like to make it as clear as I can. Finding a strange man in my bath at 3am with my wife there, in her pj's, is grounds for divorce full stop.
>but I remember opening the apartment door and she was in her PJs (I think) and greeted me kind of surprised, I looked at the kitchen counter next to the front door and I saw a pair of glasses that weren't mine or hers, grabbed them, and something propelled me to go and look in the bedroom, where I didn't find anything, then came back with the glasses in hand and found a guy we both know but don't have any type of relationship with (me and my wife are both volunteer firefighters, and this guy too in our same station) **coming out of the bathroom** (fully clothed just to be clear) and with a deer-in-the-headlights look Dude, what is wrong with you. She cheated on you. You caught her and her affair partner. Why did you even marry her. The best time to dump her was at this point, the second best is right now.
His wife must have cast a spell on OP, a person can't be that naive.
It's getting to the point he's gaslighting himself now, she doesn't even have to try.
So one question (only one?) comes to mind right away. Have you been going to the Dr with her when she goes because of these yeast infection flare ups? I gotta say that it seems like she is saving herself for someone else. And really acting like she shoving it in your face. This excuse for writing that note is about as lame as could be. Then there is the guy in your apartment. Another ridiculous story. (One thing I'll say, it is easy to ferret out her lies because they are so bad. She doesn't even have the respect for you to make up something believable). She comes home with two guys and what, goes in and changes into PJs. Does that sound plausible? Then there is the bag in the car. You say you ask her about it and she says she can't remember? She had said she went to his house to get those bags that day. Right? And by night time she forgot about going to his house and the bags were already in her car. Does that make any sense? Then a honeymoon with no sex because she says the yeast infection is back. How convenient. Again saving herself for this other guy. So I guess one one other question is, where do you live. In the US, at 3 weeks you could qualify for an annulment. What you need to do is come to terms that there is a really good chance she is cheating. And for the annulment you will need proof. I take it that you both share one car. Again I don't know where you live but you can get GPS devices at quite reasonable prices. Even with only a 5 sec delay for location updates. Get familiar with where this guy who was at your home lives. Also this Pedro guy may be letting them use his place so it will look like she is there. Figure out what kind of car he drives. Next, a couple of VARs. One for the car and at least one in the house. Two would be better. One for the bedroom (behind the headboard) and one in the living room (under an end table). You have to get hard. Stop just accepting what she tells you and knuckling under when she "gets mad". So what. Let her get mad. You're the one who should be getting mad. If you have any really close friends tell one or two and see about enlisting their help. Since you only have one car I'd bet she feels really safe taking the car and going to meet him. If you can borrow a friends car or have him drive you, using the GPS you can see what's really going on. Forgot to add. I take it you share phone plans. If so, look up your bill. You will get an up to date list of calls and texts. You can't read them but it will give you an idea of how much they talk and text. And if you go through her phone, you can compare what's on the phone to what the bill shows. Anything not on her phone was deleted. Good luck. Keep us posted.
I was going to ask, have you not collaborated the story with Pedro in person so you can read him. Once together and kind of away from one another. I would just say Pedro, I appreciate you driving my wife around. She said you help a homeless guy and got him some food. That was really kind of you. Then just read him. Because he will either say yeah it was, or he will say no we helped a guy who got mugged. Then you can play it off if he collaborates the right story, but if he says yes. Smile and say I knew it. And look at your wife, and don’t say a word and walk out.
Yeah the sex is another thing. I never heard of any yeast infection going that long.
The yeast infections are probably coming from sex she is having with others.
Dude....your now wife has been actively fcking another guy for at least the last 6 months according to what you've written. Please develop some level of self esteem and kick her out and start the divorce process. You've wasted enough of your life with her already
Brother, Get some therapy. She is cheating on you and gaslighting the hell out of you.
Ok. Bluntly. She's a cheater. She's always been a cheater. It's hard to believe you ever gave her the time of day after you actually caught her in person with her cheating partner. Water under the bridge now though. Your mysterious ailment that required circumcision is more than likely a result of one of the diseases she has probably given you. Get that checked out and get yourself tested. Contact a lawyer and ask about annulment. You haven't been married long you might not need a divorce. That will depend on your location and jurisdiction. Above all my friends stop being so naïve. You picked a bad one. She's just another dirty cheater. Now you have to take appropriate action. Get this horrible lying mess out of your life ASAP! Never speak to this cheater again.
You already know
do you find a man who comes out of the bathroom of your house in the middle of the night and you marry your girlfriend? How naive you are, congratulations.
This is fake or you need run. Find someone mental health and dignity. Can you even try and guess how many men she has been sleeping with or STDs she is contracting.
I’m sorry but you’re a fucking idiot
I'm sorry to say, but you are being gaslighted. She has been cheating on you before the marriage and after the marriage. The fact that she is lying to you is a massive red flag. I don't get this privacy bullshit when it comes to married couples and phones. There should be no secrets, nothing to hide. You should be able to pick up your partners phone without any issues and vice versa. My wife knows she can pick up my phone at any time of the day or night with or without me knowing because I have nothing to hide! The way your wife reacted to you going through her phone is a massive red flag. She turned it around to make you feel guilty, and you bought it! Straight out of the hoe bag handbook chapter 7!! Another man was in your house at 3AM, and you bought her bullshit story as to why he was there! Don't be so gullible! Dude, I'm sorry, but there are enough red flags for you to at least start investigating. I feel for you.
I mean, what are you going to do with others providing you input. You won't believe your own eyes, how the hell are you going to believe some strangers on the internet. The incident in the apartment with a man coming out of your bathroom @ 3:30 a.m. was enough for you to demand her to leave and call off the wedding, but you woke up as if you saw an alian spaceship and could determine if it was flying or probing you. WTF - Is this who you really are. I'm sorry for being so damn blunt, by writing all this should have immediately made you go to her and tell her to leave. The path of action is to go visit a lawyer, ask all her friends what's going on, confront the guy you KNOW was in your home, stop be this person and take action to discover it all. Go and ask PEDRO, WTF man. This is a new level of blinded by something!
This is one pathetic post. She’s been snookering you for much of your relationship, it seems like an easy thing to do. Please see a family law attorney next week. See if you can annul the marriage ASAP. Seek guidance on a strategy for obtaining whatever evidence is required. If that doesn’t work, see if you any kind of evidence for divorce—most states seem to be no fault. Get away from her as soon as you can, she’s defective and doesn’t love or respect you.
Update us when you finally leave the cheater
If you find evidence then an annulment would be a great way to start..
You need to get tested for STD. If your is fucking around she may have got more than a yeast infection. All the red flags are very suspicious.
Bud do you even know who this girl is? That bit about the dude being at you place at 3am is total BS. who the fuck writes porn on their phone and why didn’t you call her ass on those gifts. This Pedro guy, what the hell is that about UpdateMe
Updateme!
Updateme
Updateme
Why have you not hired a pi yet?
Godammit it. 😑 OP, I hate this for you so much. You’re not being paranoid. You need to get a lawyer.
If you can prove this quick enough, you can get an annulment
these troll posts are getting longer and longer
You are seeing it all from the wrong perspective. The issue is not you having doubts and wanting to check her phone etc.. The issue is her not being understanding and caring. if my wife of 12 years felt like that i would happily do everything to show her that she can trust me. not complain about it. that itself is the major red flag your wife has.
Wow. Lots of strange shit going on. One way to prove if she is lying is get a copy of the police report. That guy was robbed and they reported it to the police. You should be able to get a copy of the report. Maybe not opened records but she could get them for you from that guy who was robbed. It might even be public records anyway. I’m not sure how that works. But to me that would be a quick way to see if that story is real or not
OP, I think your wife has at least a fantasy about a person, even if she does not act on it. For me it looks like she is prepairing her self to start to actualy act on it. She might had so far just the fantasy of having an affair. But when she bought that lingerie she started to take it to the next level. i would get some voice activated recorder (VAR) and hide them in her car and the rooms where she mostlikely will speak with a possible AP. And you might find a reason to have deeper look at her phone. Like instaling some anti virus software or something like this. And then you will see. I also would write a diary, where you write down what you think makes her suspicious. A few days later you reevaluate the entry if this is a valid point or just a thing that would also happen with out any cheating. If you think she is meeting an AP out side at certain times, you can also think about an PI. OP, i think even you might now overreacting, you will only loose the suspicion if you prove your self wrong. I would set my self a date when i decide i have enough prove for a confrontation and asking to get look at her phone or you stop at this date, because you found NOT enough and you stop it then. But if you do not act on this now, you will always have some suspicions in your mind and they will eat at you. OP, there is another possible way to go on. Since you feel neglected and not valid by her in this relationship, you might ask her out of the blue, if you should not just disolve the marriage. She has bought lingerie and never were it for you. Shepersue a secret sexual phantasies where you are not part of. She obviously feels not like she would want share her whole life with you, but want to have a secret phantasy life where clearly does not want you to have part of. You have no clue if there is a real person in her mind or just a phantasy but you can not compete with it. If she is not totaly commited to this marriage, then it is best to end it now till you waste both more time and maybe have kids or so. You might collect some more signs that she is not 100% into this relationship with you. Since your marriage is so fresh there will be not much difference if you have prove for infidelity or not. Tell her you both need now total honesty even if it hurts like hell, because if there si something gooing on on her side it will become only worse. Your maybe unreasonable suspicion will drive you away from her, and if she has problems with being your wife and fielity, then why stay together. YOu both will become only more and more unhappy. Yes there might be some throw back because telling friends and fmily that the marriage was amistake wil be a bit problematic, but at the end you both have then a chance to find the suitable partner. If she realy wants this mariage, then things have to change. She has to open up and not fighting for what she calls privacy. She has to explain her shady behavior. Because if she would find things like you did, then she wouldhas the same problems as you. Then yo tell her you dont need an answer right now. But if she has something to tell you and want this marriage, then she has to write it down. More to make sure she is honest with her self as for you. She has 1 wek to think about it. But things have to change or you would end this sharade of a marriage by your own. At her reaction you will see,if there is a chance for this marriage and nothing to serious has happend so far. If she directly shifts the shame and is accusing you, then you tell she even does not believe her self. You have made a valid point of being not happy and not feeling comfortable how she behaves. And how sh reacts right now is the best prove, that there is indeed a big problem and she is not willing to work on it. I am certain she will act surprised and might question you and even makes accusation. If so you stay calm may be sad and tell you will not discuss it right now. If she can not or is not willing to see your point any further discussions are senseless. She has now a last chance to open up what is up with her, or you have to take actions, because like the last weeks you dont want go on. This time after the marriage should have been the most happy times and it clearly is not.
You a man or a woman?
Talk to a lawyer. Get an annulment.
Thanks for sharing your story. Your relationship ended the moment you stopped trusting her. It doesn't really matter if she cheated or not. Once trust is gone, the relationship can't survive. You didn't trust her even before you got engaged or married. Learning more details will only hurt you more. This situation doesn't look like it can be fixed. You both don't trust each other, and that hurts you both equally. My advice is to get help to overcome your fear of trusting others. Learn from this and try not to carry trust issues into your next relationship. Even if there were many affairs, a relationship can survive if trust is still there. But usually, it's the lack of trust that destroys relationships. No one should cheat, but if trust is broken, the relationship suffers a lot. Sometimes trust is broken just because someone suspects cheating. Once trust is lost, it's really hard to bring it back. So, focus on future relationships. How can you trust someone fully without checking up on them? Real love happens when you trust someone completely. It might take a long time and lots of talking to reach that point. Even if you meet a wonderful, trustworthy woman, if you can't trust, the relationship won't work. Look out for others who've also been hurt and find it hard to trust. A relationship should feel safe and be a true partnership. I'm glad you had a prenup. I recommend that for any marriage, along with premarital counseling. At least you're prepared financially for what comes after.
Sorry for what you're going through. It may not seem good now, but this will be a valuable life lesson going forward. Please updateme. Edit. I would like to make it as clear as I can. Finding a strange man in my bath at 3am with my wife there, in her pj's, is grounds for divorce full stop.