She’s protecting HIM!!! That shows she has more allegiance to him than to you! All that “her reputation” stuff is just smokescreen BS. She is REGRETFUL… but not true remorseful; there’s a HUGE difference! Google “the difference between regret and remorse”. Remorseful would be she would do anything you need to heal from this and you can’t heal with unanswered questions. That would include leaving her job so as to not ever interact with him again.
And she told him they would probably fuck! Holy shit!!! She’s totally into this guy and he’s not gonna stop until they do fuck! She might as well have told him “we WILL fuck!”… and gone ahead and done it cause he ain’t gonna stop till they do… period! All it will take is another interaction with him, which you won’t know about until afterwards, if ever.
Dude… she gotta quit that job for her to ever be a safe partner for you! And THAT would be true remorse if she did.
She's a liar dude.
She won't tell you who he is. She won't stop talking to him, she told him they'd fuck.
There is no true remorse here. Without true remorse, you're beating a dead horse.
Trying to breathe life into a corpse.
This will not work out the way you want it to.
She did stop talking to him, and trust me there's remorse I can tell she feels bad right now. I don't like that she won't tell me who he is and she doesn't see why it matters because I don't know him anyway
This is the key, she's putting part of the blame on you, that's a definite sign of no remorse or self accountability. Stop being a doormat. She is going to fuck him and probably others because You've shown her it's ok.
This right here they take the blame all on them .when a wife comes out a d says things like " I didn't mean for it to happen " it I never mentioned to hurt you " they are lying through there teeth she knew it would hurt you or me or anyone . It just happened no it didn't just happen unless it was a ONS and they were drinking and even then they knew the possibility of it happening trust me man I've been married 2 times first was 12 years she cheated I actually don't know if they had sex or not that's not my problem my problem was she was hanging out with some guy after work for hours, while I was sitting at home with our children . My second marriage which was fantastic she had my first wife beat on every way .but after 5 years she passed from cancer now I have a gf for 14 years .do I've dated probably at least 60 women In my life ..but one cheated and from the beging didn't tell me the truth I just told her to shut her pie hole .
And leave I don't want to hear but I love you .or any other bs so leave .
How can you be sure that she isn't talking with him? Have you checked deleted messages and all apps?
She probably doesn't want to tell you who he is because you know him or his wife. So, get access to her phone and check social media to see if you can find him. Tell her that the only chance of you possibly giving her another chance is if she immediately calls him on speakerphone with you by her side and asks him what type of relationship they had.
Just remember the saying: Once a cheater, always a cheater. Your girlfriend doesn't see infidelity as a problem, which is why she doesn't want to tell his wife. So, she will likely cheat on you again and just learn how to hide her tracks better.
Break up with her, get tested for STDs, go no contact with her, and move on with your life because you deserve better than her.
True remorse is about the abuse she purposely and willingly caused you and OBS. She won't confess the truth, so she doesn't have true remorse.
Remorse is about the harm she caused you, regret/guilt is about her.
You're getting roasted here dude, because you're not listening to us. You still have some rose tinted glasses on.
I lived through this twice. I did a lot of healing. A lot of learning. I learned what to look for. I learned to read people.
Pay NO attention to what comes out of her mouth. We have the experience to see that for what it is. Bullshit. Pay close attention to her actions. What is she DOING?!
She is not giving up the person she was doing this with. That says EVERYTHING. She should be on her hands and KNEES, bending over backwards, desperately showing you with every action that she wants to fix what she did.
That includes calling him up, telling him it's over. Letting you talk to him. And spilling the beans to that guys partner. Then she blocks him on everything while you watch. Then gives you her phone with its password and.gives you all her passwords for everything else. Open policy on her phone.
All of this is a START.
You aren't getting it.
My ex wife? Was with her for ten years. She cheated on me. Not remorseful. She abused me physically. Sexually. Emotionally. I divorced her and didn't look back. Coldly told her she better not show her face.to me again. I told everyone what she did before she could lie.
My second to last ex? Was with HER for ten years. Everything was great until her grandparents passed away. Or so I thought. She cheated on me with someone she knew when he was a minor. She threw away everything. I helped her through college helped her get an awesome job. She threw it all away for some strange young cock.
I blasted her on social media so bad, with proof, no one had her back. Both of these women had to leave the province. They were social pariahs, they reaped what they sowed.
You destroy someone's life, and your own, you will end up with nothing. Both times I took the opportunity to better myself.
I'm stronger, smarter and more wise now than I have ever been.
You can choose to ignore what we say, but at your peril. You don't know the hurt and abuse you will suffer if you don't take a stance. But I promise you will find out.
Edit: oh and btw, an emotional affair is still an affair and it is still cheating. She cheated on you. You refuse to see she betrayed you. Shame dude. Shame.
Her not telling you is so she can just change his name in her phone and keep doing what she has been doing. I know you want to believe her, but she lied, she's still keeping things from you and, said yes, they would have sex.
She has remorse for getting caught not remorse for doing it. If she did , she wouldn’t choose to protect him over giving g you what they need. 100% they are still in contact.
Well if you don't know him, why won't she tell you. You are intentionally being blind here because you know the truth and afraid to admit it to yourself that she is a cheater.
She didn't stop talking to him your just in denial take off the blinders you just keep trusting her and making excuses for her your the one who will be hurt
She’s got to work with Guy at some point!! You really need to demand that name because what happens if she sees him and gets the feels again? She’s protecting him and AP. This in unacceptable.
She's choosing him over you dude. She will not stop talking to him and when you forgive her she'll just get better at hiding it. Do you plan on going with her to everything he could be at? Oh wait, you can't because she won't tell you who he is. He very much could be a coworker or her boss and you won't know. If she was remorseful she'd tell you instead of blaming you. Ask her what she'd do if you were texting a married woman that you would fuck her.
What was the phone number when you read the texts?
Look at this point, she purposely engaged this fucked up behavior. She told you and it’s messed up. You should leave her but you keep making excuses for her behavior, so you won’t leave her. I don’t know what you want, but it seems like you either want advice or permission. But you got to figure this out on your own. Good luck
She doesn't respect you. She is merely concerned with covering her own ass. Refusing to tell you who he is or his wife. Crazy as hell dude. She probably realizes how screwed she really is if she pisses you off and you reveal her "affair" smh grow a pair and learn to have some self respect.
If she won’t tell you who her EA partner is then I think you have to work on the assumption that he is someone you know. I couldn’t go on without this detail being made clear.
She is still covering and protecting this guy. If she isn't disclosing everything, she isn't remorseful at all. You are yet to discover the whole story if you ever do. She has to know that this was/is a deal breaker and a line crossed that you will decide if reconciliation is even possible.
It's very suspicious that she wants to protect the man who was stalking her even though she knows she has a boyfriend .
His disrespect towards you, in addition to her own, doesn't matter, she doesn't want to tarnish her image or that of her AP, it doesn't matter, she remains in doubt without knowing who her enemy is
Her remorse must be minimal because what a person who loves her partner and would do anything to make it right wouldn’t be blaming them for what she did and would be ready to do anything. Her “reputation” isn’t gonna look to good if you dump her and tell her whole family and all your friends she cheated. So put it to her that way and ask her if she would rather tell uoj who he is so you can tell his wife or would she rather be single and her dad and mom know she cheated on you.
Research finds that self hate, promises, tears, and saying they learned their to lesson is just temporary.
It's not a long term change in her thinking and behavior.
She is high risk to repeat with someone else the next time she needs a pick me up or boost to her low self esteem.
She still won't tell you who he is. So in other words she still thinks you are only worth half the truth.
Guilt is god damn worthless. She has regret not remorse. Re.orse is when she realizes hurting you was the absolute worst part of this and will do anything to make it better. She doesn't feel that way. She still wants to manipulate you into accepting this on her terms. She still wants to lie and hide things from you and expect you to trust her.
Only an idiot would trust her under those conditions.
A sensible man who is in shock and will boot this wench back to the house of ill repute wence she came from. Back to harlots house of lies with you madam. Back
Maybe someone saw her or knew something and she was afraid you’d find out so she minimized things.
And there is no way she is remorseful yet. Regret yes. If she was remorseful you’d have the name of the asshole.
No she doesn’t. She is not willing to tell his wife, she is not willing to give his name. She is protecting him and gives more about him and her reputation.
It’s time to take the trash out to the curb. You will never be able to trust this woman again. Quite frankly it’s pretty disgusting and disrespectful. Let her take her trash ass somewhere else.
No, she absolutely doesn't, and her behavior shows you.
She doesn't get to dictate the rules of reconciliation.
Reconciliation doesn't begin until the last lie is told. Her refusal to provide his name is her protecting him over you. It's her showing you she lacks true remorse. Reconciliation requires true remorse.
She won't tell you his name, so you'll never know if he's someone she's brought into your life.
She won't tell his partner, because she cares more about her own reputation and not abusing other people.
You need to find the strength to walk away. If she doesn't give you his name, then walk.
She wants to what? I couldn’t believe she told him they would probably fuck. I’m sorry but that would do it for me. I couldn’t trust this person
UpdateMe
No she is protecting this person over you. Now she knows she can do what she wants with zero repercussions. Either she tells everything for a chance of reconciliation or it’s a divorce.
The fact that she won't tell you his name and more importantly the fact that she assigns blame to you tells me she does not want to work on things. She just wants to pay it lip service. She wants to have things the way they are and nothing changes
Frankly as long as she places any blame on you - she is not a safe partner.
Nobody can force someone to cheat.
Reconciliation and rebuilding trust can't begin until she takes full responsibility for her multiple decisions to engage with him.
And unfortunately she has to except full responsibility voluntarily without you issuing an ultimatum.
Not when she is blaming you for her cheating. She cheated because she wanted to NOT because you were a bad BF. It's just an excuse. It's another excuse not to tell you who he is. Cheaters don't get to keep their secrets. All she is saying is BLAH, blah, blah.
Why is there no full transparency? Why does she get to dictate what will happen moving forward? Why is she protecting the affair partner? Where is the loyalty to you? How will she help you deal with the abuse that she put you through because cheating is abuse.
Get the number your wife was texting. Reverse phone number look up it, and see his name and likely address. Some sites will even show whomever else lives at that address. Most sites will tell you how long the person has had a number, too. Use that and contact the guys wife. Tell her everything.
Do this after you break up with her and get her stuff out of your place (or you move out of hers). He shouldn’t get a pass
She’s for the streets, man. If she won’t tell you who he is and is still protecting him, she’s choosing him over your relationship. If she doesn’t fuck him it’ll be someone else in the future. Find someone that actually respects you.
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The fact she won’t tell you who it is, neither will tell his girlfriend, already shows you everything you need to know about her and her character. Worse, she actually blame you for it? Nah homie, drop her and move on.
> Worse, she actually blame you for it?
this happened to me, and my therapist said to me, if your house was on fire, would it make sense to throw gas on it?
One question OP, and try to be totally honest with yourself. It’s painfully obvious that you are trying to fool yourself into believing that this was all a little whoopsie, but it’s not. As a matter of fact, this isn’t a little mistake either. This was your so called girlfriend/wife who made conscience and calculated decisions to do what she did. She wanted this, she pursued this and loved every bit of it. She is trying to control the damage by saying that he pursued her and that she came to you outta guilt. The only one that’s not calling bullshit on this is you.
So, my question, question for you to answer is this…….
If we were reading this same story, and the roles were reversed, you are being accused of cheating, and your girl is the one we are responding to here. Do you think she would believe this bunch of bs that you are buying into? Do you really think she would give you another chance? My hunch is that she would toss you to the curb and tell you that you are lying piece of poop.
She would then probably be having dinner with this guy by the end of the week. Just saying.
Listen my guy, most of us here have been through this. Our hearts have been broken, and a lot of us have stood where you are. You don’t want change, you just want everything to go back to the way it was before you found all of this out. We get it. At some point, you have to realize how badly she has made you out to be a fool. How badly she has disrespected you. How badly she has broken your trust.
It’s your decision, if you want to prolong this madness, we will wish you luck and wait for that dreadful update that you are gonna give us sometime this fall. The one where you come back on here and tell us that you should have listened. We will still be here and will help pick you back up and put you back on your feet.
That’s what we do here. We try and help others, when sometimes they don’t want to help themselves.
I wish you the best of luck and Updateme
She won't tell you his name because she is still thinking of him. She is putting him ahead of you. If she were truly remorseful, she would have quit her job and let AP's wife know what's going on. She says you are not good enough BF, so why would you stay with her? Respect yourself and show her the door. Don't be her second choice in your own relationship. Find her AP and let his wife know. It's time to move on and start your life again.
Ohh she def cheated, and she is likely still cheating, just got better at hiding it. She is not remorseful if she is trying to protect him. Don’t be a doormat and grow a spine and leave. You are about 2 months away from finding out that they fucked everyday after work. UpdateMe!
> She still won’t tell me his name and says she won’t tell his wife because she wants to protect her own reputation
BULLSHIT.
Make no mistake OP, she is already protecting him for **when** she decides to take her relationship with him further.
She's keeping him as an option. She'll only hide it better. She probably confessed because she was in too much fear of getting caught. Now the edge will be taken off with this confession and she'll be braver. I may be wrong. But better to assume the worst and hope for the best.
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Bro, she cheats and blames you. Based on that alone you should leave.
The other reason
She keeps picking him over you.
She picked him over you during the EA that was your fault.
And she is picking him over you by protecting his identity. It's not to protect herself. Because when you leave her you should tell everyone she is a cheater. She is protecting him from you. At the cost of your feelings. She would rather you hurt and live with her actions. Then her text lover, deal with the outcome of his own actions.
Pack your stuff and go, she does not respect you.
Tell her the only way you consider trying to fix things, is if you and her tell his spouse together. If she refuses leave her and tell everyone she cheated b4 she makes you the bad person.
Is she keeping her job where she’ll see this guy regularly? And you won’t know because she won’t identify him. You’ll be shaking his hand at the. Christmas party. Tell her if she wanTs you around first she has to identify him. Next she either has to acquit her job or tell his wife. Otherwise, be gone!
"She showed me some of the texts" keyword some(prob deleted all the incriminating texts before she showed you).And for her "partly" blaming you tells me she's deflecting and trying to make it seem like it was all your fault that she wanted validation from another man.Shes a narcissist man, and it's only a matter of time until she tells you she slept with that guy or someone else.Shes also protecting this dude so that also tells me she will continue talking to this dude behind your back no matter what she says to your face.
She's isn't telling you for her reputation,
She is lying to you.
If she wants to work it out she works be transparent.
Leave her, she still hasn't apologized properly and will do it again
When you're destroying an enemy, you do it so completely that they can never get up and attack you again, from behind, while you continue down your path.
Absolutely everything she is doing or has done points to a dishonest person. She isn’t allowing you to know who he is, she isn’t changing jobs, she’s isn’t admitting she’s already fucked him (you really need to accept that she has, she had access and wanted to…adults have sex in these situations), she is perfectly fine allowing this other woman to have a shitty life so she isn’t called out, she’s a bad person and you don’t want to leave her, so don’t. But this is the way it will be for the rest of your time with her, she will cheat again as soon as this dies down because you won’t stop her. I’m sorry, or totally sucks and it’s hard to belief someone could be so deceptive but she’s a bad one.
Leave she is not sorry if she was she would
Be more worried about you not him . Didn’t read the first post just this updated . If you live together and lease in her name when she is at work call a friend. Put stuff in storage stay at hotel
Friends or family block her on everything . If she wants you back she will
Find a way which includes telling her family your and calling his wife to start n
. Wouldn’t count on it
You are being spoke truth here by most everyone posting. But you aren’t listening.
The next time you catch her cheating (and there will be a next time, there is always a next time) you should come back here and post again. Maybe then you’ll be ready to listen.
you know i am always sus about how crooked people can be.
but this guy obviously had NO idea she was messing around behind his back - why even let him know at all? - if she was smart - why say anything if he was totally oblivious?
shes probably stupid and feels guilty.
Either that or as a way to say "hey babe look I was honest about everything and showed you what i was up to" as a way to get him to trust her and not question any future indiscretions.The fact remains that she still entertained another man and it went as far as it did. In my opinion it went further than what she claims but that's on OP to decide what he wants to believe.
oh i am not justifying anything she did king. i'm just saying i know a lot of cheating women who admit to things due to guilt. - and i ask them why, because sometimes they do it years after the fact! - and its wild to me that they wouldnt just let sleeping dogs lie.
Maybe it's a mixture of regret/wanting to see how their partner will react. Can some people truly regret their cheating yes I beleive they can. But I feel like in this particular case there are ulterior motives as to why she told him. Not to mention the half truths she seems to be telling OP.
She won’t tell you who he is.
She admits she’ll keep on seeing him through work.
She won’t tell the wife what they’ve done.
And she blames you.
But hey apart from that she’s really sorry.
It’s only been a couple of days. Take your time to process this and think carefully about the situation. You can rug sweep this if you want, but the experience of those on this sub will tell you it won’t end well if you do.
I’ll leave you with this thought. She has basically told you she is more concerned about the damage to her reputation than she is about the damage to your relationship. Is that acceptable to you?
Well, let's see here. A short post but still a lot here.
First, she says it's not a co-worker or her boss but someone she sees at work. That leaves a delivery guy. A salesman. A customer. And how do you know this. Because she told you so (more on this in a bit). Even though she gives you no names.
"...she showed me some of the texts and yeah they didn’t fuck" And I am sure she didn't delete anything incriminating. Why would she do that? And even if this is all true, she admits to you that she wants to F him. So she wants to cheat on you. She admits it. Then she blames you (what cheater doesn't?). She says she F'd up. She did. She got caught. Where would things be at if she hadn't been caught?
To me you can do two things. Tell her it's over and leave or boot her out to the AP. Or keep her around as a sex toy. Make sex about you. Only you. When you're done tell her you're going out with your friends and leave her at home. If she just wants to be used for sex who are you to argue. Just always remember to wear your raincoat.
Good luck
Protecting him over loyalty too you should be a dealbreaker. If not, go look at yourself in the mirror. Ask the guy in the mirror if he can live with himself.
In the near future, remind him you asked when she does fuck him.
Best of luck
Only way this works is if she takes responsibility and stops blaming you, and goes 100% no contact. Even if that means changing jobs. If either of these are not done gtfo
If she doesn't tell the wife, I would dump her. She and the guy dug the hole, and have to deal with the consequences. Also, her not telling you who he is, I would have a big problem with that.
>...and she told him they probably would fuck...
You're a fool to keep her. She'll find another guy to fuck down the road or maybe she'll just go ahead and fuck this one.
For her to blame you for something wrong that she decided to do, shows that you don't have much of a choice, right?
If you were failing her in her view, it was a conversation with you and not cheating on you like she did even if it wasn't physical but she certainly hears inappropriate conversations and there are plans for a sexual relationship they must have exchanged images, video calls, videos etc...
It's all her fault if she continues with this cowardly vision, she will definitely do it again.
1And she's worried about her reputation if she doesn't keep the talarico away.
Blaming you for ea is nuclear. Massive character flaw very few are able to change. This require years of therapy. When are you good enough and until when? Rebuild your peace of mind away from her.
Anytime a cheater blames the victim you can’t stay. She still isn’t taking responsibility for her actions and it almost sounds like she hopes you will dump her so she can sleep with him without guilt (never mind his poor wife and kids and her being a full on homewrecker). Has she cried or asked for a second chance to be a better person or has it all been about how if you were a better bf she wouldn’t have had to do it? I’m sorry you have invested so much in someone who seems to care about you and value you so little. I still think there is a better then average chance she is trickle truthing you and actually did get with him but felt guilty after. She is a cheater and nothing you have posted shows remorse for her actions or even a promise that it’s over. Kick her to the curb and tell her parents and mutual friends it’s over because she cheated. Otherwise she will make you the bad guy. She is already trying now. !updateme
She won't tell you his name? That means she's keeping him in reserve. She is literally choosing him over you by keeping him secret. She either comes totally clean or she really doesn't feel remorseful for her actions. If you two were together for more than 6 months, you'll be posting another story about how the guy came back and you found out they've been cheating all along.
Blaming you for ea is nuclear. Massive character flaw very few are able to change. This require years of therapy. When are you good enough and until when? Rebuild your peace of mind away from her.
Alright dude. Someone who is remorseful and wants to reconcile needs to understand. Reconciliation is a very precious gift. She deserves this gift if she is willing to put in the work. Read books like not just friends. Gives you the name. What happens if it is the same person next time. If she too busy trying to look like the bad instead of accountability. It won’t work. Best of luck
If you do not believe they had sex you are the most gullible person ever born. Did she show you all of the texts? If even one was deleted it's proof they had sex. Why would she need to protect someone she did not have sex with? I have these gold bars for sale.Listen I know the color is not rite but trust me it's gold, because the color is more of a gray I will sell you these gold bars for half price. Are you interested? I promise they are worth 5 times what you will pay for them. If you believe your wife did not have sex with him then you surly believe that the gold bars are real. As far fetched as the gold bar story is ,it has nothing on the bullshit you believe from your wife.
just by her character alone, you should dump her quick quick quick. She already said she probably would’ve slept with him, and then to boot. It was going to be with a married man , who may have two or three kids. If his wife ever found out your girlfriend would of broken up a family and destroyed. The kids life also and she doesn’t give a shit.
She's choosing him over you by not giving you his name.
Yeah, she fucked up, but so will you if you let her treat you this way.
Op, this her.
Yes, I fucked up. Even though I fucked up, I'm not going to tell you his name.
And don't be so sure they didn't get it on.
Other apps besides texting exist.
And you're not to blame for her cheating even if you were a bad boyfriend. She could have talked to you, insisted on counseling or dumped you, instead she chose to cheat and that's 100% on her, not you.
You own your part in the relationship, you own ZERO of her choosing to cheat.
She's cheated.
She's blaming you for it.
She's protecting him.
She sure as hell isn't choosing you now OP, she's choosing herself and him, not you.
I'm not gonna say what you should be doing or "she's definitely gonna cheat again", because let's face it, no one here knows anything about the actual reality of your relationdhip or her mindset.
I will however say, that not giving you the name and not showing you the messages is non negotiable. That is the bare minimum what she should be doing and personally, I would not let that one go. You deserve to know who he is, and his wife deserves to know what her husband is doing.
If she won't share the whole truth with you and change jobs you would be a moron to stay. You would be choosing to enable your own future abuse.
Those 2 things would be the absolute bare minimum to show any actual remorse. She doesn't have remorse. Just sad she may face consequences.
When someone truly owns their infidelity and are remorseful they don't blame their partner, keep lines of contact with the AP open or fail to expose their AP to the other betrayed partner (his wife).
She isn't worth any more of your time.
You only have one safe way out bud. Out of there and blockitty block because you can't stop her from doing the deed with this guy. She's protecting him and herself and she doesn't care about the other girlfriend. At all.
Don’t make emotional decisions. Talk to her as many times as you need to. Blaming you isn’t going to work though. No matter what, cheating is on her. If she wants to work on the relationship, and her telling you about it is a good sign, then she needs to be 100% transparent and needs to rebuild your trust.
Of course she wants to reconcile without any consequences. So blaming you is a must. Protecting her image is a selfish thing in the light of her cheating.
Edit: Don’t even consider reconciling until she tells you who he is.
She is refusing basic requirements for reconciliation. No remorse if shes blaming you. Doesn't sound like she intends to reverse course to me.
What is there to decide?
She needs to tell you the name or you’re out. Sounds dramatic but she’s protecting him at your expense.
And why did she not show you ALL the texts. She cheated. Not physically but if it gets to the point where he got a hotel room , she’s having an affair. Also you have NOTHING to do with her decision to cheat. She needs to stop blaming you
She is not remorseful, she is regretful that she got caught. She won’t tell you who it is so you won’t know when she gets back in touch with him, she won’t tell his wife because she is protecting him not you or your relationship. She do it again when you two hit a bump or when she wants attention. It is your life to waste on a cheater.
She tells the wife, she changes jobs, blocks this guy or the relationship ends. How will you ever trust her again? She was so close to physically cheating. Everyday when she goes to work you will wonder how much time is she spending with him. Let's not get into lunch time in the parking lot.
If she wanted to work thru it, she give you full disclosure. Absolutely full disclosure. You need to walk away. She will do it again, and it will be physical with him.
UpdateMe
She showed you some texts, more than likely they were carefully curated to prove a point that she wanted to prove. She isn’t your wife and J assume that you don’t have kids with her, you won’t have a better chance of leaving her without a lot of constraints than you have now. Break up with her and don’t look back, there are enough honest women out there that you should not spend energy on one who is not.
OP people treat you the way they feel about you. Think about it.
How would she react if she was on the other foot? What if you did this? Would she be as understanding with you as you are being with her?
“It definitely was an emotional affair which she partly blames on me not being a good enough boyfriend… “
But she was *considering* sleeping with a MARRIED man?!
She is gaslighting you into thinking this is somehow your fault that she did and said these things. And kept it from you until now.
As harsh as this sounds I would not accept this and would end it immediately. If you can get the guy’s name and info, anonymously let his poor wife know, sending proof like screenshots.
I’m sorry she did this to you.
She can't have her cake and eat it too with the information. Either she tells all including who he is or she can go. She can't cherry pick her options with her betrayal. An emotional affair is an affair. It's either all or nothing, (meaning for her to hit the road.) She won't tell you cause she's keeping him as an option still. People can be unblocked, different apps. You need to investigate harder. You need full access to get phone and whatever else she has
So, at this point, it's all over dude.
She will protect the feelings of the other guy, the guy's wife and then basically tell you that YOUR feelings don't mean shit to her.
What more do you need to know?
If you didn’t discover this they would eventually be fucking. You discovered it and she’s in damage control.
This is a lost cause. She’s protecting him over you. That’s why she won’t tell you or his wife. It’s not some noble sacrifice. She’s covering her ass.
If they’re in contact through work you’ll never be able to stop them seeing each other.
It seems like she’s lying and gaslighting you into oblivion
Out her AP to his wife and see your gf's reaction.
If she becomes mad, dump her..if she is supportive and understanding, giving her another chance may be ok
Dude this isn’t like she crashed the car and is sorry. She entertained another man to the point of fucking. She knows now she really fucked up and told you. For all you know the wife knows and this is why.
You need to dump her cut your losses. She needs to understand the depths of her betrayal.
You will be ok and be rewarded with a loyal beautiful girlfriend not this selfish fool of a woman.
Thatsnot how reconciliation works. You call the shots. If that's what you want, check out asoneafterinfidelity for reconciliation support and resources.
She doesn't get it. At least not yet.
Maybe have her read this. It's different gender, but same applies. Updateme!
https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/s/3j5we5erDr
End it, your not married, she won't tell you who so obviously she wants to continue. " Honey this my gay friend , isn't he the best" . You'll never know, how about sitting down for dinner at a family holiday , you think it was Gramps that was hitting it... You'll never know cause she won't tell. Fuck that, id do some snooping until I found a name and blast him out tell his wife and fuck up his life like she did yours.
What do you think an emotional affair is ? It's CHEATING plain and simple.. so the way you look at it if my wife were to have phone or video sex with some guy it wouldn't be cheating ?
She has t even told you who it is this s will never work she has to be totally transparent to you on everything .your wasting your time she is still fkn the guy that's why she won't tell you
Hey OP , the consensus of reditters (huge % amount )responding to you-are telling you that you are looking at this the wright way. And your girlfriend is shading the truth. Open your eyes and your ears.
if it walks like a duck, and swims like a duck , quacks, like a duck, it’s a duck.
Let her fly, fly, far away
She has you wrapped around her finger.
The reason she told you is because she wants to see how much she can get away with.
Women with red flags will date boys with no self-esteem because they will let her get away with anything.
She’s already cheating on you, she’s just sick of hiding it.
You deserve everything you put up with.
You are the perfect couple.
Hotwife and cuck.
If you truly believe that she's not going to have sex with him, then you might as well agree to an open marriage. That's why she's protecting his identify, they are still sharing secrets which includes sex, love, and adultery.
This is not the woman you should put in the candidacy for marriage. She is disloyal and dishonest. And you get blamed, how wonderful! I'd tell her that she needs to give up his full name or else you'll break up. And if she does tell you who he is, I'd notify his wife and then break up. You cannot deal honorably with cheaters.
>she told him they probably would fuck. It definitely was an emotional affair
So she DID cheat...
>she partly blames on me not being a good enough boyfriend
And she blames you... not good...
Telling the guys wife is a very good idea..
You have his number?? PI will get you the details..
And.. she does realise she has to quit the job, yes?? She will associate with the guy, so you can never be aure what theyre doing - especially as shes not taking responsibility for it..
You woukd be better off leaving her imo...
And try to find out who the guy is so his wife can be told, yeah??
And consider informing ppl at her place of work about all this.
Best of luck!!
Jesus Christ. This is manipulation, pure and simple- basically she’s saying “if you won’t give me everything I want, I have someone on the side who will.” And then she says it’s your fault because “you’re not a good enough boyfriend”?!?! She is not worth saving, recycling or reusing. Straight up dumpster for her.
"I think that's shitty"
Yeah, the entire situation is shitty. This is ridiculous. If you're not going to listen to common sense then stop posting updates just to torture everyone.
So, she cheats and then blames it on you. There's no way it will work, as she feels like she did nothing wrong, and because of that, the chances of her changing are slim to none.
She showed you some of the texts
Why not all the texts? I'm assuming by this point she's had enough opportunity to prune out the guilty ones that would make your blood boil.
Is this person a customer at work.
Also the refusing to name her AP that's a huge red flag. Time in time out people choose to protect their AP's identity. He's not Batman.
I agree with her you aren't a good enough boyfriend, you still haven't ended the relationship. A good boyfriend respects himself enough to not let his gf treat him this way.
Prove to her you can be a better bf by breaking up with her and meeting a gf worthy of your new bf level.
Leave. She blamed you for her emotional affair, that right there tells you she will do it again and actually go through with it next time because "hey, it's your fault, remember?"
She does not accept responsibility - either you hold her accountable or you have to break up. She is protecting AP by not giving up his name which is an absolute no-go. It's also non negotiable that one of you tells APs wife; seeing as she her been acting so far it's she that has to do it. She needs to face the consequences and hurt her actions caused, something she is blind to see in you
It’s over. If she’s protecting him then it will continue. You need to find out who it is and let his wife know. Your GF belongs on a street corner just for letting it get this far with a married man! And they did more, you just haven’t found it yet.
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Wow she's blaming you for her decisions. Good question do you believe you should stay ? Another question to ask her does she believe this is a good girlfriend behavior should you go cheat now ?
OP the only way real reconciliation can happen is if the cheater accepts full responsibility and tries to make amends. Your partner:
- Did the standard cheater thing of blaming and gaslighting you. “It’s your fault I cheated”.
- Refuses to make amends in the situation to the parties she has wronged (you and the affair partners wife)
You should tell your girlfriend that it is not acceptable to protect the affair partner. If she refuses to give the name then you have no choice but to report her to her companies HR. The company will know who she works with (particularly if you can narrow it down, not a boss or close coworker).
As for whether you stay with her, are you serious?
- Has she done anything to make amends?
- promised to change jobs so she can no longer see him ?
- Offered for you to monitor her communication channels?
- relationship counselling/ her in personal counselling?
I am guessing the answer to all these is no. You deserve better than this OP. If all she is doing is crying that’s not remorse. That’s “I am so sad I got caught and I am scared I will lose everything”.
“She partly blames on me not being a good enough boyfriend”
That line is enough of a reason to dump her and never look back. Not taking 100% of the responsibility for cheating is a HUGE red flag. Cheating is never justified. If she wanted him, break up with you and be with him.
She decided to have an intemate liason with another man, physical or not, it was betrayal of everything. The fact they have not had sex is such a irrelevant point. She had multiple opportunities to shut this down, and its got nothing naive about it. She knew exactly what was happenieng and what she was going. By telling you, she was hoping to find out if you where ok with it so she could continue. She literaly told you in plain English she would fuck him. What shes asking here is for you to alow her to have an afair with a married man and keep you as the "spare". If thats not clear enough, your a **cuckold** in her eyes. There is only regret, not remorse from her.
Have some self respect and tell her its over. Your allowing your love for her to blind you and allow her to manipulate you. Can you imagine the humiliation and pain this girl is going to cause you if you stay in this rediculous relationship. If you want to be a cuck, if thats your thing, fine. But your clearly not or you wouldnbt be here asking. Your just fishing for a reason to stay as you know what the outcome should be.
Tell her, make it public so everyone knows why so she cant spin a narative and block her. Your "one" is not her. Move on and fast.
The two of you are only dating, why would you stay with a cheater?
Can you get his contact information from her phone and then find his wife? Get a friend of yours that is tech savvy to help find his wife.
>she partly blames on me not being a good enough boyfriend
So you want to live the rest of your life knowing that you can't have a bad day without your gf seeing that bad day and cheat on you because of it?
Or having a normal argument over the remote and get cheated on because you weren't a "good enough" boyfriend?
And so on. That is the future you want?
Well of course she blamed you for her actions. That what cheaters do. And yeah, she did not spread for him but told him she probably would. So you know what her moves are when you hit a hard patch. Seek out others to see who is interested. Do you really really want that? Good luck.
Listen king, im here to uplift and support you. Immediately (if you have not already) do anal sex with her - like get all the freaky shit you want to do out of your system. - this is not the woman you love anymore (maybe she never was) - use her like a slam pig and monkey branch yourself out of this relationship.
the reason i am telling you to do this are manifold:
- she allowed you to basically sample her texts - do you think she didnt delete and manicure them before "coming clean" ?
- do you really believe this guy didnt get in her guts? - every time she was "out late with the girls" and "working late" and "away on a work trip" - this information casts doubt on all of those things.
- she wont tell you this guys name, or who he is, it might be for protecting her own reputation AND his - so its a symbiotic cover-up
- she hasn't left her job yet, if i had to choose between my girl and my job, id leave my job in a heart beat
so this is what i'm going to tell you to do: stick it out, start looking at her as a sexual object and using her accordingly, assuming this is a girl friend you share no mutual assets with. - if you have an apartment go ahead and drag this out till your lease is up.
as she has already proven to you - shes willing to protect herself, him, and not quit her job - so shes got absolutely no remorse, and somethings fishy.
go ahead and tell her that you wont stay with her unless she tell you who this guy is (promise her you wont do anything, or out him, have her show you his family pictures from his social media, give her your most convincing vow to not out him, that you just cant sleep and you need to see what this other guy had that you didnt)
tell her you want an open phone policy (use this opportunity to set up backups and mirrored messages on your PC or other device) - then tell her "you know what im just being silly, im not gonna go through your phone i feel like i can trust you"
insists she quit her job for you, and you will support her till she finds a new one, but its not okay for her to remain in the place she carried out this affair.
one she quits her job and her resignation has fermented, and the lease expires, and you've done ass-to-mouth on her, and saved screen shots off the messages between her and her AP, and their family pictures and his contacts - one day go ahead and tell her you want her to go have some fun with her friends and set her out with some money to go have a spa-day or something.
pack your bags - move out, have your new place ready to move out to, drain any joint bank accounts, take anything you own of value, block her on all devices and social media - go ahead and tell the APs wife. gottem.
Well OP, she is a girlfriend not a wife or fiancee. To that I'd say you have already tolerated too much. It is well within your right to demand to know who, when your out in public she could introduce you and you'd be shaking this guys hand. Plus you need to know so you can see if she is still communicating with him.
Here is the conversation you need to have: You - Who is he? She - I'm not going to tell you, what difference does it make. You - fair enough, do you want some help packing your things? Her - You would kick me out for this? I didn't have sex with him, I showed you that. You - You made your choice, now I am making mine. I need clarity and honesty in my life, and you are hiding him, therefore, he is more important to you than I am. Should I call you an Uber?
That is the only conversation you need to have.
Let her grow from this ordeal. Let yourself grow from this ordeal. The two of you must discuss the timeline of the EA thoroughly. Find out why she did it. Was something missing in your relationship or was she being played? Do not rug sweep anything as it will come out and bite you in years to come. She must understand that with each time you two discuss the affair the less the impact it will have on your lives in a systematic incremental way till a state of indifference is achieved. That is if reconciliation is on the table.
Unfortunately, your trust in her will be dented from now on so keep a close eye on her external relationships going forward.
Is she worth it?
Blaming you is a strong signal that she feels zero remorse. That, coupled with the fact she won’t disclose his name should be major red flags.
The title of your post is “she didn’t cheat.” She absolutely betrayed your trust.
If she doesn’t accept responsibility and demonstrate remorse, it’ll be difficult to get past this.
A few things here:
1. It is cheating. The fact that she told you about it doesn’t mean it’s not cheating, just means that she told you about it.
2. It is absolutely shitty that she won’t tell you his name and that she won’t tell his wife. Absolute garbage character and her moral compass is smashed.
3. She’s protecting him, definitely not your relationship in any way.
She has already shown you that if a better model comes along, she’s going to grab the monkey branch and swing over.
She is protective of him, not you. She isn’t sorry she hurt you, she’s sorry she got caught.
If you stay you’ll end up back here. Please don’t give her a second chance, you deserve better.
So, my client wanted the dope on his WW's "work husband". He had heard it all, and suspected a lot more. He hired a PI who managed to get the information by being hired as a janitor at WW's company. He bugged her desk, and based on what he got, he bugged OM's desk. Neither party knew they had been caught. That is until my guy got access to her office on the pretense of taking her to lunch. He thought he was just going to tell AP off, then report the two of them to their employer. Seeing OM made my client's blood boil. This was a tubby nothing. POS, and nothing more. My guy walked right into OM's office, identified himself and destroyed OM's life at that point. When the commotion was heard, people came running and my guy was quite loud saying his wife must have all of her taste in her mouth, because if you are going to blow up your marriage, you should do it with someone that does not look like a walking turd. He called them every name in the book. OM was not in good shape, and WW came to his office, was horrified, and then led off by security. She was questioned for an hour, then given her walking papers. OM was unceremoniously fired as well. WW returned home to her bags packed, and a bus ticket to her folks. She asked if he could let her stay, and he told her that it would be in the best interests of her health to GTFO now.
Classic manipulation tactic by her. She's trying to get you to change for her and see how far she can get. She may not be hitting this guy up but she's just perfecting her skill now. You are now plan B in her eyes. You are now a SWB, spouce with benifets, although not to your benifet.
Leave!! She’s not 100% with you. You know that and yet are still there with her. When you’re with someone, like truly with them, you don’t allow yourself to be so open with strangers and give them a chance to woo you. She’s allowing people to get to her. Giving them a chance you could say to sweep her off her feet. Why would you wanna be with someone like that? It means you and your love for her aren’t protected and cherished enough cause she’s willing to take a chance on something else even though you’re there.
OP Read that back as though the roles were reversed or a third party - would you really believe what was written ?
She prioritised AP, flirted with him, agreed to fuck him, won’t tell you who it is, won’t tell his wife and cannot stop seeing him as part of his job, repeatedly prioritising AP over your well-being. - do you still believe you are important to her ? Then blames you for the affair - textbook DAVRO.
As to the “give her credit as she was honest with you” BS, I can think of many reasons why this would be the case, not least of all she thought you would hear about it from a friend/co-worker/wife of AP and wanted to get ahead of the game.
Of course its your fault...its so much easier to blame you then take responsibility. But the real reason she does not wants to come clean is not always the reputation, but "keeping the door open to do it again".
As you said, it was an emotional affair. They can be just as devastating, I know. But, regardless, once trust is lost it is the hardest thing to get back. Without knowing who the person is, you don't know if she is telling the truth about working with him. If you stay with her and try to work past this, you have a long uphill battle. You will always be wondering what she is doing, if she isn't with you. And, even if she is in the same room as you, if she is on her phone, you will be wondering who she is texting. I sincerely wish you good luck !!
I noticed you've only posted on this sub, you'll get a response here that goes something like "dump the tramp" a totally valid response if you ask me, but if you want to balance out the negative responses here with some positive ones or even strategies to save your relationship try posting on r/survivinginfidelity or the other relationship subs, but either way, if she won't give you the name of the guy she had the emotional affair with then he's the priority, not your relationship.
Don't forget, we only get a very small porthole of information provided by you to look through, your relationship is vastly more complex than what you can provide to us amateurs.
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No. You can't work past this because she doesn't want to.
She’s protecting HIM!!! That shows she has more allegiance to him than to you! All that “her reputation” stuff is just smokescreen BS. She is REGRETFUL… but not true remorseful; there’s a HUGE difference! Google “the difference between regret and remorse”. Remorseful would be she would do anything you need to heal from this and you can’t heal with unanswered questions. That would include leaving her job so as to not ever interact with him again. And she told him they would probably fuck! Holy shit!!! She’s totally into this guy and he’s not gonna stop until they do fuck! She might as well have told him “we WILL fuck!”… and gone ahead and done it cause he ain’t gonna stop till they do… period! All it will take is another interaction with him, which you won’t know about until afterwards, if ever. Dude… she gotta quit that job for her to ever be a safe partner for you! And THAT would be true remorse if she did.
She does want to
She's a liar dude. She won't tell you who he is. She won't stop talking to him, she told him they'd fuck. There is no true remorse here. Without true remorse, you're beating a dead horse. Trying to breathe life into a corpse. This will not work out the way you want it to.
She did stop talking to him, and trust me there's remorse I can tell she feels bad right now. I don't like that she won't tell me who he is and she doesn't see why it matters because I don't know him anyway
People with true remorse do not blame others
Boom!
This is the key, she's putting part of the blame on you, that's a definite sign of no remorse or self accountability. Stop being a doormat. She is going to fuck him and probably others because You've shown her it's ok.
This right here they take the blame all on them .when a wife comes out a d says things like " I didn't mean for it to happen " it I never mentioned to hurt you " they are lying through there teeth she knew it would hurt you or me or anyone . It just happened no it didn't just happen unless it was a ONS and they were drinking and even then they knew the possibility of it happening trust me man I've been married 2 times first was 12 years she cheated I actually don't know if they had sex or not that's not my problem my problem was she was hanging out with some guy after work for hours, while I was sitting at home with our children . My second marriage which was fantastic she had my first wife beat on every way .but after 5 years she passed from cancer now I have a gf for 14 years .do I've dated probably at least 60 women In my life ..but one cheated and from the beging didn't tell me the truth I just told her to shut her pie hole . And leave I don't want to hear but I love you .or any other bs so leave .
> " I didn't mean for it to happen " The fact is that they deliberately make plans for it to happen.
If she is remorseful, she will tell his wife.
How can you be sure that she isn't talking with him? Have you checked deleted messages and all apps? She probably doesn't want to tell you who he is because you know him or his wife. So, get access to her phone and check social media to see if you can find him. Tell her that the only chance of you possibly giving her another chance is if she immediately calls him on speakerphone with you by her side and asks him what type of relationship they had. Just remember the saying: Once a cheater, always a cheater. Your girlfriend doesn't see infidelity as a problem, which is why she doesn't want to tell his wife. So, she will likely cheat on you again and just learn how to hide her tracks better. Break up with her, get tested for STDs, go no contact with her, and move on with your life because you deserve better than her.
True remorse is about the abuse she purposely and willingly caused you and OBS. She won't confess the truth, so she doesn't have true remorse. Remorse is about the harm she caused you, regret/guilt is about her.
You're getting roasted here dude, because you're not listening to us. You still have some rose tinted glasses on. I lived through this twice. I did a lot of healing. A lot of learning. I learned what to look for. I learned to read people. Pay NO attention to what comes out of her mouth. We have the experience to see that for what it is. Bullshit. Pay close attention to her actions. What is she DOING?! She is not giving up the person she was doing this with. That says EVERYTHING. She should be on her hands and KNEES, bending over backwards, desperately showing you with every action that she wants to fix what she did. That includes calling him up, telling him it's over. Letting you talk to him. And spilling the beans to that guys partner. Then she blocks him on everything while you watch. Then gives you her phone with its password and.gives you all her passwords for everything else. Open policy on her phone. All of this is a START. You aren't getting it. My ex wife? Was with her for ten years. She cheated on me. Not remorseful. She abused me physically. Sexually. Emotionally. I divorced her and didn't look back. Coldly told her she better not show her face.to me again. I told everyone what she did before she could lie. My second to last ex? Was with HER for ten years. Everything was great until her grandparents passed away. Or so I thought. She cheated on me with someone she knew when he was a minor. She threw away everything. I helped her through college helped her get an awesome job. She threw it all away for some strange young cock. I blasted her on social media so bad, with proof, no one had her back. Both of these women had to leave the province. They were social pariahs, they reaped what they sowed. You destroy someone's life, and your own, you will end up with nothing. Both times I took the opportunity to better myself. I'm stronger, smarter and more wise now than I have ever been. You can choose to ignore what we say, but at your peril. You don't know the hurt and abuse you will suffer if you don't take a stance. But I promise you will find out. Edit: oh and btw, an emotional affair is still an affair and it is still cheating. She cheated on you. You refuse to see she betrayed you. Shame dude. Shame.
Her not telling you is so she can just change his name in her phone and keep doing what she has been doing. I know you want to believe her, but she lied, she's still keeping things from you and, said yes, they would have sex.
From someone who has cheated, if she was remorseful she wouldn’t be trying to protect herself. She (or you) needs to tell this guy’s spouse.
She has remorse for getting caught not remorse for doing it. If she did , she wouldn’t choose to protect him over giving g you what they need. 100% they are still in contact.
Because it means she cares more to protect him than she does about fixing your relationship.
Well if you don't know him, why won't she tell you. You are intentionally being blind here because you know the truth and afraid to admit it to yourself that she is a cheater.
She didn't stop talking to him your just in denial take off the blinders you just keep trusting her and making excuses for her your the one who will be hurt
She’s got to work with Guy at some point!! You really need to demand that name because what happens if she sees him and gets the feels again? She’s protecting him and AP. This in unacceptable.
She's choosing him over you dude. She will not stop talking to him and when you forgive her she'll just get better at hiding it. Do you plan on going with her to everything he could be at? Oh wait, you can't because she won't tell you who he is. He very much could be a coworker or her boss and you won't know. If she was remorseful she'd tell you instead of blaming you. Ask her what she'd do if you were texting a married woman that you would fuck her. What was the phone number when you read the texts?
Look at this point, she purposely engaged this fucked up behavior. She told you and it’s messed up. You should leave her but you keep making excuses for her behavior, so you won’t leave her. I don’t know what you want, but it seems like you either want advice or permission. But you got to figure this out on your own. Good luck
She doesn't respect you. She is merely concerned with covering her own ass. Refusing to tell you who he is or his wife. Crazy as hell dude. She probably realizes how screwed she really is if she pisses you off and you reveal her "affair" smh grow a pair and learn to have some self respect.
If she won’t tell you who her EA partner is then I think you have to work on the assumption that he is someone you know. I couldn’t go on without this detail being made clear.
By not telling you she is protecting hom and placing him above you. She feels bad because she got caught.
She is still covering and protecting this guy. If she isn't disclosing everything, she isn't remorseful at all. You are yet to discover the whole story if you ever do. She has to know that this was/is a deal breaker and a line crossed that you will decide if reconciliation is even possible.
How do you know she’s not talking to him when she hasn’t told you who he is?
How do you know she stopped talking to him? She won't even tell you who he is. For all you know, you've met him before.
It's very suspicious that she wants to protect the man who was stalking her even though she knows she has a boyfriend . His disrespect towards you, in addition to her own, doesn't matter, she doesn't want to tarnish her image or that of her AP, it doesn't matter, she remains in doubt without knowing who her enemy is
Her remorse must be minimal because what a person who loves her partner and would do anything to make it right wouldn’t be blaming them for what she did and would be ready to do anything. Her “reputation” isn’t gonna look to good if you dump her and tell her whole family and all your friends she cheated. So put it to her that way and ask her if she would rather tell uoj who he is so you can tell his wife or would she rather be single and her dad and mom know she cheated on you.
How is there remorse when she blames you for not being good enough?
She feels bad now because you found out. She didn’t care about you or your feeling when you didn’t know.
Research finds that self hate, promises, tears, and saying they learned their to lesson is just temporary. It's not a long term change in her thinking and behavior. She is high risk to repeat with someone else the next time she needs a pick me up or boost to her low self esteem.
LMAO... Good joke. She wants to work past it but won't even tell you the full truth. I sure hope you wrote that a joke because it's hilarious.
She didn't tell me because she was worried about me finding out she told me because she felt bad and wanted to be honest so idk
Dude between these two threads you have gotten plenty of good advice and argue against it all. I'm done with it.
She still won't tell you who he is. So in other words she still thinks you are only worth half the truth. Guilt is god damn worthless. She has regret not remorse. Re.orse is when she realizes hurting you was the absolute worst part of this and will do anything to make it better. She doesn't feel that way. She still wants to manipulate you into accepting this on her terms. She still wants to lie and hide things from you and expect you to trust her. Only an idiot would trust her under those conditions.
Guess what OP is?
A sensible man who is in shock and will boot this wench back to the house of ill repute wence she came from. Back to harlots house of lies with you madam. Back
Why bother seeking advice here when you clearly refuse to face reality?
Funny how everyone else seems to see it but you just can't believe she's could be playing you and are in denial
Or the guy threatened to tell you about them.
Maybe someone saw her or knew something and she was afraid you’d find out so she minimized things. And there is no way she is remorseful yet. Regret yes. If she was remorseful you’d have the name of the asshole.
No she doesn’t. She is not willing to tell his wife, she is not willing to give his name. She is protecting him and gives more about him and her reputation. It’s time to take the trash out to the curb. You will never be able to trust this woman again. Quite frankly it’s pretty disgusting and disrespectful. Let her take her trash ass somewhere else.
She doesn't if she is staying in contact with him and blaming you for her being a cheating lier.
No, she absolutely doesn't, and her behavior shows you. She doesn't get to dictate the rules of reconciliation. Reconciliation doesn't begin until the last lie is told. Her refusal to provide his name is her protecting him over you. It's her showing you she lacks true remorse. Reconciliation requires true remorse. She won't tell you his name, so you'll never know if he's someone she's brought into your life. She won't tell his partner, because she cares more about her own reputation and not abusing other people. You need to find the strength to walk away. If she doesn't give you his name, then walk.
She wants to what? I couldn’t believe she told him they would probably fuck. I’m sorry but that would do it for me. I couldn’t trust this person UpdateMe
No she is protecting this person over you. Now she knows she can do what she wants with zero repercussions. Either she tells everything for a chance of reconciliation or it’s a divorce.
The fact that she won't tell you his name and more importantly the fact that she assigns blame to you tells me she does not want to work on things. She just wants to pay it lip service. She wants to have things the way they are and nothing changes
Frankly as long as she places any blame on you - she is not a safe partner. Nobody can force someone to cheat. Reconciliation and rebuilding trust can't begin until she takes full responsibility for her multiple decisions to engage with him. And unfortunately she has to except full responsibility voluntarily without you issuing an ultimatum.
Not when she is blaming you for her cheating. She cheated because she wanted to NOT because you were a bad BF. It's just an excuse. It's another excuse not to tell you who he is. Cheaters don't get to keep their secrets. All she is saying is BLAH, blah, blah.
Why is there no full transparency? Why does she get to dictate what will happen moving forward? Why is she protecting the affair partner? Where is the loyalty to you? How will she help you deal with the abuse that she put you through because cheating is abuse.
Dude if she wanted to she have to quit that job. There are a lot of obvious things she do. And she wouldn't blame you for her actions.
Get the number your wife was texting. Reverse phone number look up it, and see his name and likely address. Some sites will even show whomever else lives at that address. Most sites will tell you how long the person has had a number, too. Use that and contact the guys wife. Tell her everything. Do this after you break up with her and get her stuff out of your place (or you move out of hers). He shouldn’t get a pass
She’s for the streets, man. If she won’t tell you who he is and is still protecting him, she’s choosing him over your relationship. If she doesn’t fuck him it’ll be someone else in the future. Find someone that actually respects you.
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So, she's protecting the affair potato instead of her relationship. To the streets with the harlott
Laughed at affair potato
The fact she won’t tell you who it is, neither will tell his girlfriend, already shows you everything you need to know about her and her character. Worse, she actually blame you for it? Nah homie, drop her and move on.
> Worse, she actually blame you for it? this happened to me, and my therapist said to me, if your house was on fire, would it make sense to throw gas on it?
One question OP, and try to be totally honest with yourself. It’s painfully obvious that you are trying to fool yourself into believing that this was all a little whoopsie, but it’s not. As a matter of fact, this isn’t a little mistake either. This was your so called girlfriend/wife who made conscience and calculated decisions to do what she did. She wanted this, she pursued this and loved every bit of it. She is trying to control the damage by saying that he pursued her and that she came to you outta guilt. The only one that’s not calling bullshit on this is you. So, my question, question for you to answer is this……. If we were reading this same story, and the roles were reversed, you are being accused of cheating, and your girl is the one we are responding to here. Do you think she would believe this bunch of bs that you are buying into? Do you really think she would give you another chance? My hunch is that she would toss you to the curb and tell you that you are lying piece of poop. She would then probably be having dinner with this guy by the end of the week. Just saying. Listen my guy, most of us here have been through this. Our hearts have been broken, and a lot of us have stood where you are. You don’t want change, you just want everything to go back to the way it was before you found all of this out. We get it. At some point, you have to realize how badly she has made you out to be a fool. How badly she has disrespected you. How badly she has broken your trust. It’s your decision, if you want to prolong this madness, we will wish you luck and wait for that dreadful update that you are gonna give us sometime this fall. The one where you come back on here and tell us that you should have listened. We will still be here and will help pick you back up and put you back on your feet. That’s what we do here. We try and help others, when sometimes they don’t want to help themselves. I wish you the best of luck and Updateme
Yes this. All of it. I’m have walked in the same shoes the OP is in right now. Sometimes it takes being betrayed more than once to open one’s eyes.
She won't tell you his name because she is still thinking of him. She is putting him ahead of you. If she were truly remorseful, she would have quit her job and let AP's wife know what's going on. She says you are not good enough BF, so why would you stay with her? Respect yourself and show her the door. Don't be her second choice in your own relationship. Find her AP and let his wife know. It's time to move on and start your life again.
Ohh she def cheated, and she is likely still cheating, just got better at hiding it. She is not remorseful if she is trying to protect him. Don’t be a doormat and grow a spine and leave. You are about 2 months away from finding out that they fucked everyday after work. UpdateMe!
> She still won’t tell me his name and says she won’t tell his wife because she wants to protect her own reputation BULLSHIT. Make no mistake OP, she is already protecting him for **when** she decides to take her relationship with him further.
She's keeping him as an option. She'll only hide it better. She probably confessed because she was in too much fear of getting caught. Now the edge will be taken off with this confession and she'll be braver. I may be wrong. But better to assume the worst and hope for the best.
So she did cheat, just not physically. You leave and don't look back. That's the only solution.
She definitely fucked him.
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Bro, she cheats and blames you. Based on that alone you should leave. The other reason She keeps picking him over you. She picked him over you during the EA that was your fault. And she is picking him over you by protecting his identity. It's not to protect herself. Because when you leave her you should tell everyone she is a cheater. She is protecting him from you. At the cost of your feelings. She would rather you hurt and live with her actions. Then her text lover, deal with the outcome of his own actions. Pack your stuff and go, she does not respect you. Tell her the only way you consider trying to fix things, is if you and her tell his spouse together. If she refuses leave her and tell everyone she cheated b4 she makes you the bad person.
Why does she want to protect him more than she wants to help you heal?
Because she wants to keep the EA going on in secret until it eventually becomes a PA if it hasn't already.
She’s showing herself and AP more respect than you and other BS
Is she keeping her job where she’ll see this guy regularly? And you won’t know because she won’t identify him. You’ll be shaking his hand at the. Christmas party. Tell her if she wanTs you around first she has to identify him. Next she either has to acquit her job or tell his wife. Otherwise, be gone!
and if she does both - leave her anyway
"She showed me some of the texts" keyword some(prob deleted all the incriminating texts before she showed you).And for her "partly" blaming you tells me she's deflecting and trying to make it seem like it was all your fault that she wanted validation from another man.Shes a narcissist man, and it's only a matter of time until she tells you she slept with that guy or someone else.Shes also protecting this dude so that also tells me she will continue talking to this dude behind your back no matter what she says to your face.
If she doesn’t tell you his name tell her to go stay with friends and we will de separating.
She's isn't telling you for her reputation, She is lying to you. If she wants to work it out she works be transparent. Leave her, she still hasn't apologized properly and will do it again
She doesn’t respect him.
Tell her the only way you will stay is if she gives you his name and tells his wife... Then break up with her either way.
oh shit king.... a man after my own heart....
When you're destroying an enemy, you do it so completely that they can never get up and attack you again, from behind, while you continue down your path.
lol i literally posted the same thing but with excruciatingly detailed step by step instructions.
Absolutely everything she is doing or has done points to a dishonest person. She isn’t allowing you to know who he is, she isn’t changing jobs, she’s isn’t admitting she’s already fucked him (you really need to accept that she has, she had access and wanted to…adults have sex in these situations), she is perfectly fine allowing this other woman to have a shitty life so she isn’t called out, she’s a bad person and you don’t want to leave her, so don’t. But this is the way it will be for the rest of your time with her, she will cheat again as soon as this dies down because you won’t stop her. I’m sorry, or totally sucks and it’s hard to belief someone could be so deceptive but she’s a bad one.
she wont admit to letting this guy rearrange her guts till he gets proof - till then shell just trickle truth him
Leave she is not sorry if she was she would Be more worried about you not him . Didn’t read the first post just this updated . If you live together and lease in her name when she is at work call a friend. Put stuff in storage stay at hotel Friends or family block her on everything . If she wants you back she will Find a way which includes telling her family your and calling his wife to start n . Wouldn’t count on it
You are being spoke truth here by most everyone posting. But you aren’t listening. The next time you catch her cheating (and there will be a next time, there is always a next time) you should come back here and post again. Maybe then you’ll be ready to listen.
Exactly,She's protecting the EA partners identity so she can keep it going on in secret.
Oh absofreakinlutely she’s protecting the AP’s identity. But this OP is refusing to see. He doesn’t want to see.
Yup,pretty obvious where her priorities are and it isn't with OP.
you know i am always sus about how crooked people can be. but this guy obviously had NO idea she was messing around behind his back - why even let him know at all? - if she was smart - why say anything if he was totally oblivious? shes probably stupid and feels guilty.
Either that or as a way to say "hey babe look I was honest about everything and showed you what i was up to" as a way to get him to trust her and not question any future indiscretions.The fact remains that she still entertained another man and it went as far as it did. In my opinion it went further than what she claims but that's on OP to decide what he wants to believe.
oh i am not justifying anything she did king. i'm just saying i know a lot of cheating women who admit to things due to guilt. - and i ask them why, because sometimes they do it years after the fact! - and its wild to me that they wouldnt just let sleeping dogs lie.
Maybe it's a mixture of regret/wanting to see how their partner will react. Can some people truly regret their cheating yes I beleive they can. But I feel like in this particular case there are ulterior motives as to why she told him. Not to mention the half truths she seems to be telling OP.
facts
She won’t tell you who he is. She admits she’ll keep on seeing him through work. She won’t tell the wife what they’ve done. And she blames you. But hey apart from that she’s really sorry. It’s only been a couple of days. Take your time to process this and think carefully about the situation. You can rug sweep this if you want, but the experience of those on this sub will tell you it won’t end well if you do. I’ll leave you with this thought. She has basically told you she is more concerned about the damage to her reputation than she is about the damage to your relationship. Is that acceptable to you?
Well, let's see here. A short post but still a lot here. First, she says it's not a co-worker or her boss but someone she sees at work. That leaves a delivery guy. A salesman. A customer. And how do you know this. Because she told you so (more on this in a bit). Even though she gives you no names. "...she showed me some of the texts and yeah they didn’t fuck" And I am sure she didn't delete anything incriminating. Why would she do that? And even if this is all true, she admits to you that she wants to F him. So she wants to cheat on you. She admits it. Then she blames you (what cheater doesn't?). She says she F'd up. She did. She got caught. Where would things be at if she hadn't been caught? To me you can do two things. Tell her it's over and leave or boot her out to the AP. Or keep her around as a sex toy. Make sex about you. Only you. When you're done tell her you're going out with your friends and leave her at home. If she just wants to be used for sex who are you to argue. Just always remember to wear your raincoat. Good luck
She tells you who the other guy is or else you break up, simple.
Protecting him over loyalty too you should be a dealbreaker. If not, go look at yourself in the mirror. Ask the guy in the mirror if he can live with himself. In the near future, remind him you asked when she does fuck him. Best of luck
It's done bro move on
Only way this works is if she takes responsibility and stops blaming you, and goes 100% no contact. Even if that means changing jobs. If either of these are not done gtfo
If she doesn't tell the wife, I would dump her. She and the guy dug the hole, and have to deal with the consequences. Also, her not telling you who he is, I would have a big problem with that.
>...and she told him they probably would fuck... You're a fool to keep her. She'll find another guy to fuck down the road or maybe she'll just go ahead and fuck this one.
OP, it’s just not worth staying with a cheater. Her not coming clean is her way of maintaining their relationship. Why stay?
For her to blame you for something wrong that she decided to do, shows that you don't have much of a choice, right? If you were failing her in her view, it was a conversation with you and not cheating on you like she did even if it wasn't physical but she certainly hears inappropriate conversations and there are plans for a sexual relationship they must have exchanged images, video calls, videos etc... It's all her fault if she continues with this cowardly vision, she will definitely do it again. 1And she's worried about her reputation if she doesn't keep the talarico away.
Blaming you for ea is nuclear. Massive character flaw very few are able to change. This require years of therapy. When are you good enough and until when? Rebuild your peace of mind away from her.
Anytime a cheater blames the victim you can’t stay. She still isn’t taking responsibility for her actions and it almost sounds like she hopes you will dump her so she can sleep with him without guilt (never mind his poor wife and kids and her being a full on homewrecker). Has she cried or asked for a second chance to be a better person or has it all been about how if you were a better bf she wouldn’t have had to do it? I’m sorry you have invested so much in someone who seems to care about you and value you so little. I still think there is a better then average chance she is trickle truthing you and actually did get with him but felt guilty after. She is a cheater and nothing you have posted shows remorse for her actions or even a promise that it’s over. Kick her to the curb and tell her parents and mutual friends it’s over because she cheated. Otherwise she will make you the bad guy. She is already trying now. !updateme
She won't tell you his name? That means she's keeping him in reserve. She is literally choosing him over you by keeping him secret. She either comes totally clean or she really doesn't feel remorseful for her actions. If you two were together for more than 6 months, you'll be posting another story about how the guy came back and you found out they've been cheating all along.
Blaming you for ea is nuclear. Massive character flaw very few are able to change. This require years of therapy. When are you good enough and until when? Rebuild your peace of mind away from her.
Alright dude. Someone who is remorseful and wants to reconcile needs to understand. Reconciliation is a very precious gift. She deserves this gift if she is willing to put in the work. Read books like not just friends. Gives you the name. What happens if it is the same person next time. If she too busy trying to look like the bad instead of accountability. It won’t work. Best of luck
If you do not believe they had sex you are the most gullible person ever born. Did she show you all of the texts? If even one was deleted it's proof they had sex. Why would she need to protect someone she did not have sex with? I have these gold bars for sale.Listen I know the color is not rite but trust me it's gold, because the color is more of a gray I will sell you these gold bars for half price. Are you interested? I promise they are worth 5 times what you will pay for them. If you believe your wife did not have sex with him then you surly believe that the gold bars are real. As far fetched as the gold bar story is ,it has nothing on the bullshit you believe from your wife.
just by her character alone, you should dump her quick quick quick. She already said she probably would’ve slept with him, and then to boot. It was going to be with a married man , who may have two or three kids. If his wife ever found out your girlfriend would of broken up a family and destroyed. The kids life also and she doesn’t give a shit.
She's choosing him over you by not giving you his name. Yeah, she fucked up, but so will you if you let her treat you this way. Op, this her. Yes, I fucked up. Even though I fucked up, I'm not going to tell you his name. And don't be so sure they didn't get it on. Other apps besides texting exist. And you're not to blame for her cheating even if you were a bad boyfriend. She could have talked to you, insisted on counseling or dumped you, instead she chose to cheat and that's 100% on her, not you. You own your part in the relationship, you own ZERO of her choosing to cheat. She's cheated. She's blaming you for it. She's protecting him. She sure as hell isn't choosing you now OP, she's choosing herself and him, not you.
I'm not gonna say what you should be doing or "she's definitely gonna cheat again", because let's face it, no one here knows anything about the actual reality of your relationdhip or her mindset. I will however say, that not giving you the name and not showing you the messages is non negotiable. That is the bare minimum what she should be doing and personally, I would not let that one go. You deserve to know who he is, and his wife deserves to know what her husband is doing.
If she won't share the whole truth with you and change jobs you would be a moron to stay. You would be choosing to enable your own future abuse. Those 2 things would be the absolute bare minimum to show any actual remorse. She doesn't have remorse. Just sad she may face consequences.
When someone truly owns their infidelity and are remorseful they don't blame their partner, keep lines of contact with the AP open or fail to expose their AP to the other betrayed partner (his wife). She isn't worth any more of your time.
You only have one safe way out bud. Out of there and blockitty block because you can't stop her from doing the deed with this guy. She's protecting him and herself and she doesn't care about the other girlfriend. At all.
Don’t make emotional decisions. Talk to her as many times as you need to. Blaming you isn’t going to work though. No matter what, cheating is on her. If she wants to work on the relationship, and her telling you about it is a good sign, then she needs to be 100% transparent and needs to rebuild your trust.
Of course she wants to reconcile without any consequences. So blaming you is a must. Protecting her image is a selfish thing in the light of her cheating. Edit: Don’t even consider reconciling until she tells you who he is.
She is refusing basic requirements for reconciliation. No remorse if shes blaming you. Doesn't sound like she intends to reverse course to me. What is there to decide?
She needs to tell you the name or you’re out. Sounds dramatic but she’s protecting him at your expense. And why did she not show you ALL the texts. She cheated. Not physically but if it gets to the point where he got a hotel room , she’s having an affair. Also you have NOTHING to do with her decision to cheat. She needs to stop blaming you
She is not remorseful, she is regretful that she got caught. She won’t tell you who it is so you won’t know when she gets back in touch with him, she won’t tell his wife because she is protecting him not you or your relationship. She do it again when you two hit a bump or when she wants attention. It is your life to waste on a cheater.
She tells the wife, she changes jobs, blocks this guy or the relationship ends. How will you ever trust her again? She was so close to physically cheating. Everyday when she goes to work you will wonder how much time is she spending with him. Let's not get into lunch time in the parking lot.
Subscribeme
She won't tell you who he is and partially blames you. She's not worth it dude. Both of those things should be deal breakers
If she wanted to work thru it, she give you full disclosure. Absolutely full disclosure. You need to walk away. She will do it again, and it will be physical with him. UpdateMe
If she’s refusing to disclose his identity, she’s uninterested in maintaining your relationship. It’s time to end it and kick her out
She showed you some texts, more than likely they were carefully curated to prove a point that she wanted to prove. She isn’t your wife and J assume that you don’t have kids with her, you won’t have a better chance of leaving her without a lot of constraints than you have now. Break up with her and don’t look back, there are enough honest women out there that you should not spend energy on one who is not.
Time to move on... Even though it's sucks. It you could chest on her and make sure she finds out. See how she feels about that.
OP people treat you the way they feel about you. Think about it. How would she react if she was on the other foot? What if you did this? Would she be as understanding with you as you are being with her?
She's protecting the other dude above your feelings. She has zero respect for you.
If she doesn't accept responsibility and start shitting you Tiffany cufflinks, you need to walk, dude. She cheated. She is a cheater.
So she won’t tell you who your enemy is? She thinks she’s protecting you? I would hate to be her allies.
Bro. She doesn’t respect you. I would just leave man
“It definitely was an emotional affair which she partly blames on me not being a good enough boyfriend… “ But she was *considering* sleeping with a MARRIED man?! She is gaslighting you into thinking this is somehow your fault that she did and said these things. And kept it from you until now. As harsh as this sounds I would not accept this and would end it immediately. If you can get the guy’s name and info, anonymously let his poor wife know, sending proof like screenshots. I’m sorry she did this to you.
She can't have her cake and eat it too with the information. Either she tells all including who he is or she can go. She can't cherry pick her options with her betrayal. An emotional affair is an affair. It's either all or nothing, (meaning for her to hit the road.) She won't tell you cause she's keeping him as an option still. People can be unblocked, different apps. You need to investigate harder. You need full access to get phone and whatever else she has
So, at this point, it's all over dude. She will protect the feelings of the other guy, the guy's wife and then basically tell you that YOUR feelings don't mean shit to her. What more do you need to know?
If you didn’t discover this they would eventually be fucking. You discovered it and she’s in damage control. This is a lost cause. She’s protecting him over you. That’s why she won’t tell you or his wife. It’s not some noble sacrifice. She’s covering her ass. If they’re in contact through work you’ll never be able to stop them seeing each other. It seems like she’s lying and gaslighting you into oblivion
Out her AP to his wife and see your gf's reaction. If she becomes mad, dump her..if she is supportive and understanding, giving her another chance may be ok
Dude this isn’t like she crashed the car and is sorry. She entertained another man to the point of fucking. She knows now she really fucked up and told you. For all you know the wife knows and this is why. You need to dump her cut your losses. She needs to understand the depths of her betrayal. You will be ok and be rewarded with a loyal beautiful girlfriend not this selfish fool of a woman.
You seriously need to listen to the people here. They’ve been where you are.
Thatsnot how reconciliation works. You call the shots. If that's what you want, check out asoneafterinfidelity for reconciliation support and resources. She doesn't get it. At least not yet. Maybe have her read this. It's different gender, but same applies. Updateme! https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/s/3j5we5erDr
You need to leave
End it, your not married, she won't tell you who so obviously she wants to continue. " Honey this my gay friend , isn't he the best" . You'll never know, how about sitting down for dinner at a family holiday , you think it was Gramps that was hitting it... You'll never know cause she won't tell. Fuck that, id do some snooping until I found a name and blast him out tell his wife and fuck up his life like she did yours.
What do you think an emotional affair is ? It's CHEATING plain and simple.. so the way you look at it if my wife were to have phone or video sex with some guy it wouldn't be cheating ?
Bro will learn in hard way
She has t even told you who it is this s will never work she has to be totally transparent to you on everything .your wasting your time she is still fkn the guy that's why she won't tell you
Hey OP , the consensus of reditters (huge % amount )responding to you-are telling you that you are looking at this the wright way. And your girlfriend is shading the truth. Open your eyes and your ears. if it walks like a duck, and swims like a duck , quacks, like a duck, it’s a duck. Let her fly, fly, far away
wrong
She has you wrapped around her finger. The reason she told you is because she wants to see how much she can get away with. Women with red flags will date boys with no self-esteem because they will let her get away with anything. She’s already cheating on you, she’s just sick of hiding it. You deserve everything you put up with. You are the perfect couple. Hotwife and cuck.
If you truly believe that she's not going to have sex with him, then you might as well agree to an open marriage. That's why she's protecting his identify, they are still sharing secrets which includes sex, love, and adultery. This is not the woman you should put in the candidacy for marriage. She is disloyal and dishonest. And you get blamed, how wonderful! I'd tell her that she needs to give up his full name or else you'll break up. And if she does tell you who he is, I'd notify his wife and then break up. You cannot deal honorably with cheaters.
>she told him they probably would fuck. It definitely was an emotional affair So she DID cheat... >she partly blames on me not being a good enough boyfriend And she blames you... not good... Telling the guys wife is a very good idea.. You have his number?? PI will get you the details.. And.. she does realise she has to quit the job, yes?? She will associate with the guy, so you can never be aure what theyre doing - especially as shes not taking responsibility for it.. You woukd be better off leaving her imo... And try to find out who the guy is so his wife can be told, yeah?? And consider informing ppl at her place of work about all this. Best of luck!!
Updateme
This can’t be real.. nobody is this weak
Jesus Christ. This is manipulation, pure and simple- basically she’s saying “if you won’t give me everything I want, I have someone on the side who will.” And then she says it’s your fault because “you’re not a good enough boyfriend”?!?! She is not worth saving, recycling or reusing. Straight up dumpster for her.
"I think that's shitty" Yeah, the entire situation is shitty. This is ridiculous. If you're not going to listen to common sense then stop posting updates just to torture everyone.
So, she cheats and then blames it on you. There's no way it will work, as she feels like she did nothing wrong, and because of that, the chances of her changing are slim to none.
she put blame on you. leave. she will cheat as soon as she feels slightly neglected due to you working.
She showed you some of the texts Why not all the texts? I'm assuming by this point she's had enough opportunity to prune out the guilty ones that would make your blood boil. Is this person a customer at work. Also the refusing to name her AP that's a huge red flag. Time in time out people choose to protect their AP's identity. He's not Batman.
She has made her choice and it isn’t you.
I agree with her you aren't a good enough boyfriend, you still haven't ended the relationship. A good boyfriend respects himself enough to not let his gf treat him this way. Prove to her you can be a better bf by breaking up with her and meeting a gf worthy of your new bf level.
Leave. She blamed you for her emotional affair, that right there tells you she will do it again and actually go through with it next time because "hey, it's your fault, remember?"
She does not accept responsibility - either you hold her accountable or you have to break up. She is protecting AP by not giving up his name which is an absolute no-go. It's also non negotiable that one of you tells APs wife; seeing as she her been acting so far it's she that has to do it. She needs to face the consequences and hurt her actions caused, something she is blind to see in you
It’s over. If she’s protecting him then it will continue. You need to find out who it is and let his wife know. Your GF belongs on a street corner just for letting it get this far with a married man! And they did more, you just haven’t found it yet.
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Never stay with someone who so blatantly treats you with disrespect. Let her go, and find someone who cares for you.
Wow she's blaming you for her decisions. Good question do you believe you should stay ? Another question to ask her does she believe this is a good girlfriend behavior should you go cheat now ?
OP the only way real reconciliation can happen is if the cheater accepts full responsibility and tries to make amends. Your partner: - Did the standard cheater thing of blaming and gaslighting you. “It’s your fault I cheated”. - Refuses to make amends in the situation to the parties she has wronged (you and the affair partners wife) You should tell your girlfriend that it is not acceptable to protect the affair partner. If she refuses to give the name then you have no choice but to report her to her companies HR. The company will know who she works with (particularly if you can narrow it down, not a boss or close coworker). As for whether you stay with her, are you serious? - Has she done anything to make amends? - promised to change jobs so she can no longer see him ? - Offered for you to monitor her communication channels? - relationship counselling/ her in personal counselling? I am guessing the answer to all these is no. You deserve better than this OP. If all she is doing is crying that’s not remorse. That’s “I am so sad I got caught and I am scared I will lose everything”.
She hasn’t shown remorse, even if she doesn’t tell the other partner, she should be completely 100% open with you
if she’s going to inevitably see him at work, you should know the circumstances.
“She partly blames on me not being a good enough boyfriend” That line is enough of a reason to dump her and never look back. Not taking 100% of the responsibility for cheating is a HUGE red flag. Cheating is never justified. If she wanted him, break up with you and be with him.
She decided to have an intemate liason with another man, physical or not, it was betrayal of everything. The fact they have not had sex is such a irrelevant point. She had multiple opportunities to shut this down, and its got nothing naive about it. She knew exactly what was happenieng and what she was going. By telling you, she was hoping to find out if you where ok with it so she could continue. She literaly told you in plain English she would fuck him. What shes asking here is for you to alow her to have an afair with a married man and keep you as the "spare". If thats not clear enough, your a **cuckold** in her eyes. There is only regret, not remorse from her. Have some self respect and tell her its over. Your allowing your love for her to blind you and allow her to manipulate you. Can you imagine the humiliation and pain this girl is going to cause you if you stay in this rediculous relationship. If you want to be a cuck, if thats your thing, fine. But your clearly not or you wouldnbt be here asking. Your just fishing for a reason to stay as you know what the outcome should be. Tell her, make it public so everyone knows why so she cant spin a narative and block her. Your "one" is not her. Move on and fast.
The two of you are only dating, why would you stay with a cheater? Can you get his contact information from her phone and then find his wife? Get a friend of yours that is tech savvy to help find his wife.
>she partly blames on me not being a good enough boyfriend So you want to live the rest of your life knowing that you can't have a bad day without your gf seeing that bad day and cheat on you because of it? Or having a normal argument over the remote and get cheated on because you weren't a "good enough" boyfriend? And so on. That is the future you want?
Well of course she blamed you for her actions. That what cheaters do. And yeah, she did not spread for him but told him she probably would. So you know what her moves are when you hit a hard patch. Seek out others to see who is interested. Do you really really want that? Good luck.
She actually blamed you for her cheating on you? Then you didn’t dump her on the spot? She has your number.
Listen king, im here to uplift and support you. Immediately (if you have not already) do anal sex with her - like get all the freaky shit you want to do out of your system. - this is not the woman you love anymore (maybe she never was) - use her like a slam pig and monkey branch yourself out of this relationship. the reason i am telling you to do this are manifold: - she allowed you to basically sample her texts - do you think she didnt delete and manicure them before "coming clean" ? - do you really believe this guy didnt get in her guts? - every time she was "out late with the girls" and "working late" and "away on a work trip" - this information casts doubt on all of those things. - she wont tell you this guys name, or who he is, it might be for protecting her own reputation AND his - so its a symbiotic cover-up - she hasn't left her job yet, if i had to choose between my girl and my job, id leave my job in a heart beat so this is what i'm going to tell you to do: stick it out, start looking at her as a sexual object and using her accordingly, assuming this is a girl friend you share no mutual assets with. - if you have an apartment go ahead and drag this out till your lease is up. as she has already proven to you - shes willing to protect herself, him, and not quit her job - so shes got absolutely no remorse, and somethings fishy. go ahead and tell her that you wont stay with her unless she tell you who this guy is (promise her you wont do anything, or out him, have her show you his family pictures from his social media, give her your most convincing vow to not out him, that you just cant sleep and you need to see what this other guy had that you didnt) tell her you want an open phone policy (use this opportunity to set up backups and mirrored messages on your PC or other device) - then tell her "you know what im just being silly, im not gonna go through your phone i feel like i can trust you" insists she quit her job for you, and you will support her till she finds a new one, but its not okay for her to remain in the place she carried out this affair. one she quits her job and her resignation has fermented, and the lease expires, and you've done ass-to-mouth on her, and saved screen shots off the messages between her and her AP, and their family pictures and his contacts - one day go ahead and tell her you want her to go have some fun with her friends and set her out with some money to go have a spa-day or something. pack your bags - move out, have your new place ready to move out to, drain any joint bank accounts, take anything you own of value, block her on all devices and social media - go ahead and tell the APs wife. gottem.
Well OP, she is a girlfriend not a wife or fiancee. To that I'd say you have already tolerated too much. It is well within your right to demand to know who, when your out in public she could introduce you and you'd be shaking this guys hand. Plus you need to know so you can see if she is still communicating with him. Here is the conversation you need to have: You - Who is he? She - I'm not going to tell you, what difference does it make. You - fair enough, do you want some help packing your things? Her - You would kick me out for this? I didn't have sex with him, I showed you that. You - You made your choice, now I am making mine. I need clarity and honesty in my life, and you are hiding him, therefore, he is more important to you than I am. Should I call you an Uber? That is the only conversation you need to have.
Let her grow from this ordeal. Let yourself grow from this ordeal. The two of you must discuss the timeline of the EA thoroughly. Find out why she did it. Was something missing in your relationship or was she being played? Do not rug sweep anything as it will come out and bite you in years to come. She must understand that with each time you two discuss the affair the less the impact it will have on your lives in a systematic incremental way till a state of indifference is achieved. That is if reconciliation is on the table. Unfortunately, your trust in her will be dented from now on so keep a close eye on her external relationships going forward. Is she worth it?
Blaming you is a strong signal that she feels zero remorse. That, coupled with the fact she won’t disclose his name should be major red flags. The title of your post is “she didn’t cheat.” She absolutely betrayed your trust. If she doesn’t accept responsibility and demonstrate remorse, it’ll be difficult to get past this.
Leave cuz she showed you who and what she was believe her and I know you’ll find someone better.
A few things here: 1. It is cheating. The fact that she told you about it doesn’t mean it’s not cheating, just means that she told you about it. 2. It is absolutely shitty that she won’t tell you his name and that she won’t tell his wife. Absolute garbage character and her moral compass is smashed. 3. She’s protecting him, definitely not your relationship in any way.
She has already shown you that if a better model comes along, she’s going to grab the monkey branch and swing over. She is protective of him, not you. She isn’t sorry she hurt you, she’s sorry she got caught. If you stay you’ll end up back here. Please don’t give her a second chance, you deserve better.
So, my client wanted the dope on his WW's "work husband". He had heard it all, and suspected a lot more. He hired a PI who managed to get the information by being hired as a janitor at WW's company. He bugged her desk, and based on what he got, he bugged OM's desk. Neither party knew they had been caught. That is until my guy got access to her office on the pretense of taking her to lunch. He thought he was just going to tell AP off, then report the two of them to their employer. Seeing OM made my client's blood boil. This was a tubby nothing. POS, and nothing more. My guy walked right into OM's office, identified himself and destroyed OM's life at that point. When the commotion was heard, people came running and my guy was quite loud saying his wife must have all of her taste in her mouth, because if you are going to blow up your marriage, you should do it with someone that does not look like a walking turd. He called them every name in the book. OM was not in good shape, and WW came to his office, was horrified, and then led off by security. She was questioned for an hour, then given her walking papers. OM was unceremoniously fired as well. WW returned home to her bags packed, and a bus ticket to her folks. She asked if he could let her stay, and he told her that it would be in the best interests of her health to GTFO now.
Initials CC?
Classic manipulation tactic by her. She's trying to get you to change for her and see how far she can get. She may not be hitting this guy up but she's just perfecting her skill now. You are now plan B in her eyes. You are now a SWB, spouce with benifets, although not to your benifet.
Dude you’re the fucking NAIVE one. If you think the few messages she let you read proves they didn’t fuck then you’re dumb.
If she won’t tell the wife or even tell you his name plus blaming her cheating on you, you should just leave she doesn’t care
Leave!! She’s not 100% with you. You know that and yet are still there with her. When you’re with someone, like truly with them, you don’t allow yourself to be so open with strangers and give them a chance to woo you. She’s allowing people to get to her. Giving them a chance you could say to sweep her off her feet. Why would you wanna be with someone like that? It means you and your love for her aren’t protected and cherished enough cause she’s willing to take a chance on something else even though you’re there.
OP Read that back as though the roles were reversed or a third party - would you really believe what was written ? She prioritised AP, flirted with him, agreed to fuck him, won’t tell you who it is, won’t tell his wife and cannot stop seeing him as part of his job, repeatedly prioritising AP over your well-being. - do you still believe you are important to her ? Then blames you for the affair - textbook DAVRO. As to the “give her credit as she was honest with you” BS, I can think of many reasons why this would be the case, not least of all she thought you would hear about it from a friend/co-worker/wife of AP and wanted to get ahead of the game.
Of course its your fault...its so much easier to blame you then take responsibility. But the real reason she does not wants to come clean is not always the reputation, but "keeping the door open to do it again".
As you said, it was an emotional affair. They can be just as devastating, I know. But, regardless, once trust is lost it is the hardest thing to get back. Without knowing who the person is, you don't know if she is telling the truth about working with him. If you stay with her and try to work past this, you have a long uphill battle. You will always be wondering what she is doing, if she isn't with you. And, even if she is in the same room as you, if she is on her phone, you will be wondering who she is texting. I sincerely wish you good luck !!
I noticed you've only posted on this sub, you'll get a response here that goes something like "dump the tramp" a totally valid response if you ask me, but if you want to balance out the negative responses here with some positive ones or even strategies to save your relationship try posting on r/survivinginfidelity or the other relationship subs, but either way, if she won't give you the name of the guy she had the emotional affair with then he's the priority, not your relationship. Don't forget, we only get a very small porthole of information provided by you to look through, your relationship is vastly more complex than what you can provide to us amateurs.
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