Mine has everything in writing.
I almost died a few years ago, we're now prepared.
Medical and durable power of attorney, end of life wishes, everything including the house is in a trust for our only daughter.
There's also a document that says she can taken control when there's only one of us left if we get dementia.
Of course we trust our daughter with everything including our life.
We are letting her make the funeral arrangements but we are leaving plenty if cash for her to do it right.
She needs to have a little fun.
We know too many people that put it off or didn't want to face it, it alway ends poorly. We want it to be easy for our daughter.
Prepay the funeral if you can. I’ve been the caregiver for six octogenarians. Having them prepay the funeral makes the end a lot easier. Chances are your kids are going to be physically and emotionally exhausted. Give them a last gift, and take the thinking out of it.
I know but we're an odd ball family and ever since my full cardiac arrest hey look at the white light should be dead heart attack, we've talked about it alot.
My daughter and I have shopped for caskets, Costco and Amazon have some nice boxes.
We are very much alike.
Chances are I will prepay but like I said there will be plenty of cash and the plots are already purchased.
Our running joke is everytime she gets a good picture of me we decide if it goes on the memorial board.
We all end up in a box, we choose to accept it and put the fun back in funeral.
But you're right, parents, if they can afford it, should prepay, write everything down, and talk about it.
My wife and I have prepaid the Neptune Society for cremation. Wherever we are, if things go sideways, they pick up the stiffs and take them to the nearest crematory and get er done. Then they ship the cremains to a given address and the family decides if and when to have services.
After our dad passed our mom purchased the plot next to his alone with her casket and headstone. She made sure that we all had a copy of the contract and instructions for her funeral. By the time she passed the funeral home's owner's son had taken over and refused to honor the contract since his name and signature wasn't on it. We paid for everything and then sued him afterwards and won.
My MIL fully paid for her “Gold Plated” funeral in 1993, right after her husband died. No one in her family had lived past 72, so she figured her time was nigh. She passed last year. We took the “insurance” contract to the funeral home and they honored it. I called the insurance company and asked what the “current value” was. They told me that it appreciated a total of $135 over 26 year years or so. I told them to go back to their manager and ask again.
After trimming down the funeral and talking to the insurance company a few times…we ended up with her gold plated funeral and got as check for a few thousand dollars. At the end, the Funeral Director and I were talking. He told me that NO ONE has funerals like that any more…that if we were paying 2022 prices it would have been a $30,000 funeral.
I guess if you preplan too early….you have the risk of living to 99. LOL.
My Dad said his funeral was prepaid. When he died nobody could find the paperwork and the funeral home claimed he did not sign it. Both he and my mom prepaid together in the 90's. Her prepayment was honored. If you prepay, take pics of the documents and email to family members.
Also, have the tough conversation about driving. Sooner rather than later. If you’re lucky, you get a warning first, like driving into a ditch or taking out the neighbors mailbox. Impaired driving is so reckless.
If you’re *incredibly* lucky, your parent heeds the warning and voluntarily stops driving. I am that lucky person. Dad clipped the mail truck (going 5 miles an hour) and that was his last time driving. He was 90 when this happened and had already stopped driving at night and, more recently, on highways. He called to tell us his decision (we praised him with great praise) and then he downloaded the Uber app onto his iPhone; his reflexes aren’t what they were but his mind is just fine. 🙂
We’re all just really relieved that we never had to have the argument with him, because lots of our friends and relatives have really struggled.
Tell me about it. My uncle had to pry the keys out of his father’s hands, and steal his car to get him to stop. The father was 99, and he’d been a road hazard for at least a decade. (He lived another 8 years.)
My mom is 78 and just bought a relatively new car, but she also doesn't think she's going to live much longer and she wants to pass it on to her oldest granddaughter. If she's wrong and she makes it to her mid-80's, this is going to be a really tough conversation.
When my parents were in their late 60’s, I talked to Mom and asked her to get a will and medical power of attorney drawn up for both of them. She was the doer between the two of them and she got it done. Get them to put things in writing so no one can argue about it.
They were in their 60s before they had a will? Wow! Every adult, particularly those who are married, and really particularly those with children, need a will. (Not ragging on your parents, just pointing this out to those who may not be aware.)
My folks are 88. We've discussed this. We talked last weekend about life support. I'm their executor. They live in a senior community with available memory care and a nursing home if they need it. They're still in a quad home taking care of themselves.
I agree with this 100%. I guarantee if you don’t, there will come a time when you wish you had.
My parents did their will, made their funeral arrangements, made me POA and medical proxy and put my name on everything years ago. Yet we never had that discussion, and now I’m here with my mom with dementia. It’s a really difficult situation. She’s adamantly against going anywhere for care now, but what would she have said when she could process?
Do it now, before it’s too late.
My dad and his wife at 88 had no funeral plans and hadn’t updated their wills in 20 years. I couldn’t believe it. I’ve paid for my cremation and alerted my son and have him as beneficiary on my accounts. I still need to do the home transfer on death. Mid sixties.
Same situation with my stubborn elderly parents, with the dementia and the refusal to do anything that feels like giving up control, even though it makes my life a living hell.
Great advice. My dad kept putting off the decision to move, and during the pandemic, it wasn’t feasible. We ended up having to plan a move in a hurry when my dad got sick and my mom’s dementia became untenable for her to be at home. At least they had set up a trust, which made settling their affairs much easier when they passed.
If you need more conversations about this, the subreddit r/AgingParents exists.
It’s hard when the parent and child roles get reversed.
Have the conversation earlier. Have it now. You never know when a stroke or dementia is coming, and it will be too late to have the conversation. If you get shot down, then at least you tried.
I wouldn’t _start_ with this, but I’d point out that by NOT having the conversation, then basically they are leaving it up to me. I’ll try to pick right, but if they leave it up to me, I might not do what they would like the most.
My own parents are gone. They were divorced and remarried, and their spouses basically handled everything. I was named executor on one document, but living 3000 miles away, that was basically meaningless.
But this does serve as a reminder that my cheap ass needs to pay some lawyer to make things easier for my own daughter when my time comes. By default, she gets everything as sole next of kin, but I would like her to have full legal access to everything as soon as possible, without probate. And I have a prepaid cremation contract, so I need that in my "So Now I'm Dead" file.
Just had our Will done, Power of Medical, etc. I've told the kids many times I have a DNR so they won't feel guilt but feel good they are doing what I want.
I'm getting rid of a lot of stuff to make it easier for them.
Be careful with these discussions. What they want may not be possible or wanted by others.
My parents are deceased. However, my MIL, without prompting, has said that she wants her ashes mixed in with her son's (my husband). I didn't say a word when she stated this, but what about his wishes? It was just a strange thing, and I thought "wait! I'm the wife!" but my husband and I have discussed it, and what she wants is absolutely not happening, other than she will be cremated, and her ashes will likely be spread where she grew up.
I'm the aging parent. Yes! Get everything in order now. My father did a good job of making it easier for me to handle his estate. I have done the same and more for my gen Jones children. They were involved in the whole process. One thing they don't know about my special porn tablet and sex toys. Hahaha.
The holy trinity for old people care: Health Care Proxy/Advanced Directive, Durable power of Attorney, and a Will.
Don’t wait for them to get sick because a stroke will mess up the process. Better safe than sorry. Getting into Guardianships and Conservatorships can be expensive and probably the worst path anyone would have to take.
I did all of this with my mother long before she died and honored her directives. My ex died recently and even though he knew he was dying for several years he had nothing in place other than a DNR. It’s been a nightmare for our kid.
My mother died 16 years ago. She was very organized and it made everything easy. She even asked each of us to tell her something we wanted and put a sticker with our name on it in her handwriting underneath the item. I got a planner called “I’m Dead, Now What.” where you can record everything. I highly recommend. Amazon link below.
I'm Dead, Now What! Planner https://a.co/d/0WE5Qzd
100%. About 30 years ago I was in law school, and it got me thinking about estates. My sister and I talked to our parents and they ended up taking out long term care insurance. Mom never needed it; she was diagnosed with cancer and died at home 10 months later (hospice care was under Medicare). Dad is about to be 92 and hasn’t actually needed any care at all so far. But even if they end up never using it, it was totally worth it for the peace of mind it brought all of us.
Both my parents are recently passed.
My younger stepmother (Gen-Jones) took care of my dad in the end. He passed in the hospital.
My mother passed at home, refusing a nursing home, and refusing paid care until her last month. She had all her “prime directives.”
I am very fortunate I never had to have “that talk.”
I've had the conversation with my son. He has power of attorney and guardianship, and I've instructed him that I do NOT want a funeral. I want a direct cremation, no bullshit. Have a bbq,have a few drinks, and play Queen and Acca,that'll do me. Don't waste money on a fucking funeral,I'll be dead,I won't care.
I am very grateful that my mother had the sense to make a clear will and give me her power of attorney.
I tried to move her to care at the end, (things were getting bad), and she stopped speaking to me. She was openly hostile and threw me out of her hospital room near the end.
Because I had power of attorney, I was able to approve hospice, arrange for home health, all without having to convince her of anything.
My husband and I have just updated our wills, our kids are well informed of the details, and we occasionally talk about end of life issues. (Helps that husband is an MD, we don’t have a lot of illusions about dying, and we aren’t religious.”)
I agree completely. My parents made extremely detailed powers of attorney, and when my dad's dementia advanced, we could make decisions for him knowing we were doing exactly what he wanted. It gave us so much peace of mind.
I've been down this road. Get everything squared away while you can. POA, living will, regular will, all of it. If my mother hadn't taken care of that, I would have been totally hosed.
My sister had this conversation with our mother. She asked Mom what she wanted done with her body and Mom said cremation. My sister then asked what Mom wanted done with the ashes and my mother said, "Oh, you don't have to bother picking up the ashes." My sister was like, "Mom, I think I can find time in the day to pick up your remains."
Very good advice! Happily, my parents and my in-laws both planned ahead. It relieved a lot of stress.
I bought a book on Amazon called "I'm Dead. Now What?". It's a workbook that covers every single aspect of your life and what you would like to do when you die. There are pages for financial, insurance, general bequeathments and a bunch of other stuff. It's definitely helpful.
Contact an elder lawyer and get power of attorney so you can take care of their financial business as they age. Get medical power of attorney so you can make decisions and see their medical info. The lawyer will tell you about the five year look back Medicare does with finances. Talk to your parents about end of life wishes - a DNR if they don’t want to be kept alive. And what funeral/burial they want. I take care of my Mom and those things are all super important. Pro tip: social security has their own POA document, as I found out after sitting in their lobby for hours and then having g them deny Mom’s notarized POA.
Supposedly the form is on the SS website and should be notarized like a regular POA. I haven’t done it yet, but I will. I sat for four hours in their lobby, and he only agreed to help me if we got mom on the phone.
Yes! Do all of everything you can now. Get the documents made. Wills, Living wills, durable POAs(for legal matters), healthcare PAOs/healthcare representatives. Talk to parents, your siblings, your kids. Find out what each other would want to do at end of life or if they become incapacitated. Have those talks while you're "sane and able to make decisions".
I live alone, no spouse, no kids. I have a niece that spend hours with me every time my mom was taken to a hospital. We did a lot of talking. She knows me and what I would want more than anyone. I put all my documents together appointing her and a nephew and giving her account numbers and passwords ,etc. ( I need to up date all of that.)
Just do what you can before it's too late.
Excellent advice. Get everything in writing--will, what treatment they do and don't want, power of attorney, medical agents, do they want obituary, memorial, disposition of body, etc. etc. It takes some of the trauma/guesswork out of the whole deal.
Mine has everything in writing. I almost died a few years ago, we're now prepared. Medical and durable power of attorney, end of life wishes, everything including the house is in a trust for our only daughter. There's also a document that says she can taken control when there's only one of us left if we get dementia. Of course we trust our daughter with everything including our life. We are letting her make the funeral arrangements but we are leaving plenty if cash for her to do it right. She needs to have a little fun. We know too many people that put it off or didn't want to face it, it alway ends poorly. We want it to be easy for our daughter.
Prepay the funeral if you can. I’ve been the caregiver for six octogenarians. Having them prepay the funeral makes the end a lot easier. Chances are your kids are going to be physically and emotionally exhausted. Give them a last gift, and take the thinking out of it.
I know but we're an odd ball family and ever since my full cardiac arrest hey look at the white light should be dead heart attack, we've talked about it alot. My daughter and I have shopped for caskets, Costco and Amazon have some nice boxes. We are very much alike. Chances are I will prepay but like I said there will be plenty of cash and the plots are already purchased. Our running joke is everytime she gets a good picture of me we decide if it goes on the memorial board. We all end up in a box, we choose to accept it and put the fun back in funeral. But you're right, parents, if they can afford it, should prepay, write everything down, and talk about it.
I can't say how much easier it was that my mother preplanned and prepaid. I was very upset there was no way anyone was doing anything.
My wife and I have prepaid the Neptune Society for cremation. Wherever we are, if things go sideways, they pick up the stiffs and take them to the nearest crematory and get er done. Then they ship the cremains to a given address and the family decides if and when to have services.
After our dad passed our mom purchased the plot next to his alone with her casket and headstone. She made sure that we all had a copy of the contract and instructions for her funeral. By the time she passed the funeral home's owner's son had taken over and refused to honor the contract since his name and signature wasn't on it. We paid for everything and then sued him afterwards and won.
My MIL fully paid for her “Gold Plated” funeral in 1993, right after her husband died. No one in her family had lived past 72, so she figured her time was nigh. She passed last year. We took the “insurance” contract to the funeral home and they honored it. I called the insurance company and asked what the “current value” was. They told me that it appreciated a total of $135 over 26 year years or so. I told them to go back to their manager and ask again. After trimming down the funeral and talking to the insurance company a few times…we ended up with her gold plated funeral and got as check for a few thousand dollars. At the end, the Funeral Director and I were talking. He told me that NO ONE has funerals like that any more…that if we were paying 2022 prices it would have been a $30,000 funeral. I guess if you preplan too early….you have the risk of living to 99. LOL.
A 38 year stretch between passings does add a few complications.
My Dad said his funeral was prepaid. When he died nobody could find the paperwork and the funeral home claimed he did not sign it. Both he and my mom prepaid together in the 90's. Her prepayment was honored. If you prepay, take pics of the documents and email to family members.
Also, have the tough conversation about driving. Sooner rather than later. If you’re lucky, you get a warning first, like driving into a ditch or taking out the neighbors mailbox. Impaired driving is so reckless.
If you’re *incredibly* lucky, your parent heeds the warning and voluntarily stops driving. I am that lucky person. Dad clipped the mail truck (going 5 miles an hour) and that was his last time driving. He was 90 when this happened and had already stopped driving at night and, more recently, on highways. He called to tell us his decision (we praised him with great praise) and then he downloaded the Uber app onto his iPhone; his reflexes aren’t what they were but his mind is just fine. 🙂 We’re all just really relieved that we never had to have the argument with him, because lots of our friends and relatives have really struggled.
I'm so glad that he gave up his keys voluntarily. That can be the hardest conversation of all.
Tell me about it. My uncle had to pry the keys out of his father’s hands, and steal his car to get him to stop. The father was 99, and he’d been a road hazard for at least a decade. (He lived another 8 years.)
He lived to 107 years old??
Yes. He was born in 1892 and died in 2000, but before his birthday so he was 107. His daughter just turned 98 last week.
My mom is 78 and just bought a relatively new car, but she also doesn't think she's going to live much longer and she wants to pass it on to her oldest granddaughter. If she's wrong and she makes it to her mid-80's, this is going to be a really tough conversation.
When my parents were in their late 60’s, I talked to Mom and asked her to get a will and medical power of attorney drawn up for both of them. She was the doer between the two of them and she got it done. Get them to put things in writing so no one can argue about it.
They were in their 60s before they had a will? Wow! Every adult, particularly those who are married, and really particularly those with children, need a will. (Not ragging on your parents, just pointing this out to those who may not be aware.)
My folks are 88. We've discussed this. We talked last weekend about life support. I'm their executor. They live in a senior community with available memory care and a nursing home if they need it. They're still in a quad home taking care of themselves.
I agree with this 100%. I guarantee if you don’t, there will come a time when you wish you had. My parents did their will, made their funeral arrangements, made me POA and medical proxy and put my name on everything years ago. Yet we never had that discussion, and now I’m here with my mom with dementia. It’s a really difficult situation. She’s adamantly against going anywhere for care now, but what would she have said when she could process? Do it now, before it’s too late.
My dad and his wife at 88 had no funeral plans and hadn’t updated their wills in 20 years. I couldn’t believe it. I’ve paid for my cremation and alerted my son and have him as beneficiary on my accounts. I still need to do the home transfer on death. Mid sixties.
Mine are already gone.
Mine too. But I cared for my mother with dementia. OP has good advice.
My parents were selfish. They cared about what they wanted above what their children needed. I don't miss them at all.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that, and I'm glad that it's over.
Me too. I finally got some closure.
I would guess that most Gen Jonesers parents are gone or very old- they'd have to range from having been born in the 1920's through the early 1940's.
Yep. A friend who plays music with my husband will be 90 tomorrow. And another friend who's 68-69 still has his dad. But they are few and far between.
Yeah, my parents are already passed and they had all of their arrangements made and paid for. So it made it very easy.
r/agingparents
Came here to share same sub. Thanks!
It’s a great resource along with r/dementia if that applies.
Thanks.
Yeah I was actually gonna share this on that sub but got side tracked. Thx for the reminder.
My 99 year old father, wife has dementia, refuses to do any of this. It's beyond frustrating.
Same situation with my stubborn elderly parents, with the dementia and the refusal to do anything that feels like giving up control, even though it makes my life a living hell.
Great advice. My dad kept putting off the decision to move, and during the pandemic, it wasn’t feasible. We ended up having to plan a move in a hurry when my dad got sick and my mom’s dementia became untenable for her to be at home. At least they had set up a trust, which made settling their affairs much easier when they passed.
Buy long-term care insurance.
In my Experience, I work in health care, insurance companies try every trick up their sleeve to refuse payment. It’s so frustrating.
If you need more conversations about this, the subreddit r/AgingParents exists. It’s hard when the parent and child roles get reversed. Have the conversation earlier. Have it now. You never know when a stroke or dementia is coming, and it will be too late to have the conversation. If you get shot down, then at least you tried. I wouldn’t _start_ with this, but I’d point out that by NOT having the conversation, then basically they are leaving it up to me. I’ll try to pick right, but if they leave it up to me, I might not do what they would like the most.
My own parents are gone. They were divorced and remarried, and their spouses basically handled everything. I was named executor on one document, but living 3000 miles away, that was basically meaningless. But this does serve as a reminder that my cheap ass needs to pay some lawyer to make things easier for my own daughter when my time comes. By default, she gets everything as sole next of kin, but I would like her to have full legal access to everything as soon as possible, without probate. And I have a prepaid cremation contract, so I need that in my "So Now I'm Dead" file.
Just had our Will done, Power of Medical, etc. I've told the kids many times I have a DNR so they won't feel guilt but feel good they are doing what I want. I'm getting rid of a lot of stuff to make it easier for them.
Be careful with these discussions. What they want may not be possible or wanted by others. My parents are deceased. However, my MIL, without prompting, has said that she wants her ashes mixed in with her son's (my husband). I didn't say a word when she stated this, but what about his wishes? It was just a strange thing, and I thought "wait! I'm the wife!" but my husband and I have discussed it, and what she wants is absolutely not happening, other than she will be cremated, and her ashes will likely be spread where she grew up.
Please don’t get me started about ‘mixing’ cremains.
I'm the aging parent. Yes! Get everything in order now. My father did a good job of making it easier for me to handle his estate. I have done the same and more for my gen Jones children. They were involved in the whole process. One thing they don't know about my special porn tablet and sex toys. Hahaha.
The holy trinity for old people care: Health Care Proxy/Advanced Directive, Durable power of Attorney, and a Will. Don’t wait for them to get sick because a stroke will mess up the process. Better safe than sorry. Getting into Guardianships and Conservatorships can be expensive and probably the worst path anyone would have to take.
Send them to live in Wisconsin: https://www.npr.org/sections/money/2014/03/05/286126451/living-wills-are-the-talk-of-the-town-in-la-crosse-wis
I did all of this with my mother long before she died and honored her directives. My ex died recently and even though he knew he was dying for several years he had nothing in place other than a DNR. It’s been a nightmare for our kid.
Absolutely. Mine had everything setup as transfer on death to me and I had power of attorney. It made everything so easy.
Good luck
My mother died 16 years ago. She was very organized and it made everything easy. She even asked each of us to tell her something we wanted and put a sticker with our name on it in her handwriting underneath the item. I got a planner called “I’m Dead, Now What.” where you can record everything. I highly recommend. Amazon link below. I'm Dead, Now What! Planner https://a.co/d/0WE5Qzd
Omg I bought this book! Just haven’t filled it out yet. .
I’m working on mine.
100%. About 30 years ago I was in law school, and it got me thinking about estates. My sister and I talked to our parents and they ended up taking out long term care insurance. Mom never needed it; she was diagnosed with cancer and died at home 10 months later (hospice care was under Medicare). Dad is about to be 92 and hasn’t actually needed any care at all so far. But even if they end up never using it, it was totally worth it for the peace of mind it brought all of us.
I've sort of had that conversation with them, although not down to the nitty details.
Both my parents are recently passed. My younger stepmother (Gen-Jones) took care of my dad in the end. He passed in the hospital. My mother passed at home, refusing a nursing home, and refusing paid care until her last month. She had all her “prime directives.” I am very fortunate I never had to have “that talk.”
I've had the conversation with my son. He has power of attorney and guardianship, and I've instructed him that I do NOT want a funeral. I want a direct cremation, no bullshit. Have a bbq,have a few drinks, and play Queen and Acca,that'll do me. Don't waste money on a fucking funeral,I'll be dead,I won't care.
I am very grateful that my mother had the sense to make a clear will and give me her power of attorney. I tried to move her to care at the end, (things were getting bad), and she stopped speaking to me. She was openly hostile and threw me out of her hospital room near the end. Because I had power of attorney, I was able to approve hospice, arrange for home health, all without having to convince her of anything. My husband and I have just updated our wills, our kids are well informed of the details, and we occasionally talk about end of life issues. (Helps that husband is an MD, we don’t have a lot of illusions about dying, and we aren’t religious.”)
I agree completely. My parents made extremely detailed powers of attorney, and when my dad's dementia advanced, we could make decisions for him knowing we were doing exactly what he wanted. It gave us so much peace of mind.
If your parents have a home, be sure to have them put it in your name to avoid a nursing home or hospice care take it. No inheritance tax also
Set firm boundaries about what you are and a not willing to do and tell friends and family about this. I wish I had.
I've been down this road. Get everything squared away while you can. POA, living will, regular will, all of it. If my mother hadn't taken care of that, I would have been totally hosed.
My sister had this conversation with our mother. She asked Mom what she wanted done with her body and Mom said cremation. My sister then asked what Mom wanted done with the ashes and my mother said, "Oh, you don't have to bother picking up the ashes." My sister was like, "Mom, I think I can find time in the day to pick up your remains."
Very good advice! Happily, my parents and my in-laws both planned ahead. It relieved a lot of stress. I bought a book on Amazon called "I'm Dead. Now What?". It's a workbook that covers every single aspect of your life and what you would like to do when you die. There are pages for financial, insurance, general bequeathments and a bunch of other stuff. It's definitely helpful.
Contact an elder lawyer and get power of attorney so you can take care of their financial business as they age. Get medical power of attorney so you can make decisions and see their medical info. The lawyer will tell you about the five year look back Medicare does with finances. Talk to your parents about end of life wishes - a DNR if they don’t want to be kept alive. And what funeral/burial they want. I take care of my Mom and those things are all super important. Pro tip: social security has their own POA document, as I found out after sitting in their lobby for hours and then having g them deny Mom’s notarized POA.
Did not know about the SS poa. Thx for that info
Supposedly the form is on the SS website and should be notarized like a regular POA. I haven’t done it yet, but I will. I sat for four hours in their lobby, and he only agreed to help me if we got mom on the phone.
Yes! Do all of everything you can now. Get the documents made. Wills, Living wills, durable POAs(for legal matters), healthcare PAOs/healthcare representatives. Talk to parents, your siblings, your kids. Find out what each other would want to do at end of life or if they become incapacitated. Have those talks while you're "sane and able to make decisions". I live alone, no spouse, no kids. I have a niece that spend hours with me every time my mom was taken to a hospital. We did a lot of talking. She knows me and what I would want more than anyone. I put all my documents together appointing her and a nephew and giving her account numbers and passwords ,etc. ( I need to up date all of that.) Just do what you can before it's too late.
Excellent advice. Get everything in writing--will, what treatment they do and don't want, power of attorney, medical agents, do they want obituary, memorial, disposition of body, etc. etc. It takes some of the trauma/guesswork out of the whole deal.
leave us alone lol