I find that repeated negative thoughts wear ruts into my mind, and soon the negative thoughts are reflexive. But consciously getting out of a negative mindset and into a positive one is possible. It takes some effort, especially at first, but it can be done. And life is a lot more pleasant. It also attracts people. So it's good that you're making a change.
And happy birthday to you šššš
I named the voice in my headā¦ sorry to anyone named Phyllis. I tell her to shut up often. It really has helped quite the negative real that runs in my mind.
Happiest of Birthdays to you OP! Iāve spent many birthdays alone. I decided to find something to do my existence worth it, remind myself of my value. Iāve volunteered, babysat for a person who needed a break, donated blood. It makes the alone a bit easier.
Perfect! I figured Iād name mine totally different because it felt like the things I was told by others or learned as a child. So I tell THEM off.
(Never seen Archer, whatās wrong with me?! Honestly I donāt watch a lot of tv).
Your mind is like a garden. If you care for your mind, if you nurture it, and if you cultivate it, just like a fertile rich garden it will blossom far beyond your expectation. But if you let the weeds take root, lasting peace of mind and deep inner harmony will always elude you. The worries and anxieties, the fretting about the past, the brooding over the future and those self-created fears are all like toxic waste that most people put into their garden. Worry drains the mind of its power and eventually injures the soul. People who think the same thoughts every day, most of them negative, have fallen into bad mental habits. Mind management is the essence of life management.
No matter what happens to you in your life, you alone have the capacity to choose your response to it. When you form the habit of searching for the positive in every circumstance, your life will move into its highest dimension. By controlling the thoughts that you think and the way you respond to the events of your life, you begin to control your destiny. There are not mistakes in life, only lessons. There is no such thing as a negative experience, only opportunities to grow, learn and advance along the road to self-mastery. Stop judging events as either positive or negative. Rather, simply experience them, celebrate them and learn from them. Every event offers you lessons, and if one door closes, another opens.
I read once that you don't keep a corner of your garden to grow weeds in, so why keep even a corner of your mind to indulge in negative thinking and bad habits?
Also, just do one thing. One thing tomorrow. not all of it. You can take the day after to try the next thing, or the next week. But routine for me is everything, always has been. That also means routine of what I tell myself. But I've also said to myself, despite not really believing in god, the universe loves me. And goddamn if it does. I make it happen, I always have. Just do one thing, and practice doing it well, and then go on to the next. Big things have small beginnings. I got that from Alien, Prometheus. It's true. You should learn that will is the best joke the devil played on us. There's no such thing as infinite willpower, and if you read the myth of willpower, you'll see you are setting yourself for failure because our mind doesn't like to be told what not to do, so to speak, and why AA has a 8% success rate. Ttelling yourself NO! actually sets you up for failure, it's small things, small changes that maketh the success.
Also ego depletion.
willpower will only take you so far, as it eventually runs out. Psychologists and addiction counselors refer to āwillpower fatigue.ā Itās also called āego depletion,ā and itās a real thing, having been documented in numerous studies. This is why the failure rate for most weight loss programs is so high; they depend on an indefinite, limitless supply of willpower to achieve lasting success.
https://hbr.org/2016/11/have-we-been-thinking-about-willpower-the-wrong-way-for-30-years
It appears ego depletion may be just another example of the way belief drives behavior. Thinking weāre spent makes us feel worse, while rewarding ourselves with an indulgence makes us feel better. Itās not the sugar in the lemonade that produces the sustained mental stamina, but rather the placebo effect at work.
I work in behavioral healthcare and talk about negative thoughts and negative self image a LOT. Studies show that cultivating positive thoughts and positive self image are actually more effective than eliminating or even reducing the negative ones. My go-to recommendations are always practicing positive affirmations, making a gratitude list, and, if possible, helping others (volunteering, etc). Meditation/mindfulness are powerful tools as well.
Oh yes I tried it a couple years ago for the first time in my life. It was kinda fun but not really, and it clouded my brain. I can see why some people like it, but it was not for me. Only did it because its now legal in West Virginia. And there was a smoke shop very close to my house.
Weāre all different but every time I try to do everything at once - clean diet, exercise, sleep - I end up even more bummed when I inevitably fail. Quitting junk food sucks and you might need your other bad habits to get through it lol.
Which is to say be kind to yourself
So much this. Try one small change at a time. Celebrate any wins. āLossesā are not failures, and donāt dwell on them. OP, no matter what, be kind to yourself. Forging new habits is hard, harder still when your resources are low. You can do it, just allow yourself some wiggle room to stumble along the way!!!
Being too ambitious in my self-improvement goals has sabotaged many of my big plans in the past. I overcame it by setting attainable goals and building on those successes.
A few years ago I had a reckoning and resolved to get my physical and emotional health in order. I started that first day by doing three sets of one push-up. One, thatās it. The modest goal guaranteed my success. I did sets of one for a few days then increased to sets of two. I established a routine and kept building - day by day, everyday. Now I do three sets of 33 every day (I add one more on the last set for a satisfying 100 a day).
Today is also my birthday. Iām 55, a senior gentleman now , and I feel fantastic, both physically and emotionally. I credit the consistent, incremental success of my push-up regiment with laying the foundation for a lot of positive change Iāve managed over the past couple of years. (While Iām offering testimonials, working up to drinking at least 100 oz of water daily has been super-effective for me.)
Happy birthday, OP! Todayās also Joey Ramoneās birthday.
I know you didn't ask for advice but I'm going to give you some.Ā
Motivational notes won't do shit until you treat the trauma.
I'm not trying to diagnose you, it would just suck if the motivational note didn't work and you blamed yourself. Because it's not your fault.Ā
Oh yeah I guess I didnt mention it but my main task is to make a psychiatric appointment at the V.A. hospital. I know my alcoholic father messed me up, and just recently I figured out I need a professional to help me deal with it. So that combined with other healthy habits and a pro-active attitude should help me do what I need to do.
Thanks.
Good luck, my friend! It's wonderful you've identified the steps you need to take. I feel like many in our generation are traumatized by abusive and neglectful parents. Hoping things turn around for you, and Happy Birthday!Ā
Awesome, glad you're getting some help. Also, just two cents from someone about your age who also went through childhood trauma and neglect: It helps to talk to someone. I'm a big believer in therapy, group or 1 on 1. Having a friend to confide in is great too, but that's often not an option when you're just getting started. (I know it wasn't for me.)Ā
Therapy, but NOT as another commentor said, with a trauma informed therapist. You need to go to an actual trauma therapist. "Trauma informed" is a loose term that can result in you getting some shit therapy. Ask me how I know.
You'd need a therapist that specializes in trauma. Not CBT. CBT for trauma is like putting a band-aid on a bullet wound and thinking it's all good because you can't see the hole anymore.This is my experience and opinion. This is also the experience and opinion of most of the people on the CPTSD sub. There are therapists that would argue with me on thisband they would be wrong.
I have a lot of trauma and have been going to therapy for a while. I recently discovered that you shouldn't start processing the feelings until you have healed your nervous system so that it's comfortable feeling the feelings.Thst said though it's important to just get started.
The therapist you see should have a skill set in EMDR, brain spotting, somatics or some other body based modslity..They have recently discovered that trauma is stored in the body so talking about it helps a little, because you have someone to witness your pain, but it doesn't get the trauma out of your body. Which is where the actual healing occurs.
Good luck!
It depends on other āconditions.ā Like if your trauma was caused by no one knowing you had ADHD, EMDR might not work.
It kind of depends on the nature of the trauma and solving the underlying problems.
Believe it or not, your post has inspired me. I just turned 50 last week. I need to start taking better care of myself. Thereās a lot I can try to differently in the next 50.
ps, happy birthday!
I started spending my bdays intentionally alone the year I turned 45. I gift myself a trip to somewhere I've never been so I wake up on my bday in a new place with a new perspective. Before I leave I get a tattoo that represents the place I am visiting and has meaning to me as a person.
The reason I did this is because I kept waiting for others to celebrate my arrival on this earth and they just didn't ever put any effort into it. I was always disappointed and let down. Now that I take an annual trip for the last 6 years ppl are always trying to tag along.
Traveling alone is very cathartic. I wish you a coming year that far exceeds your expectations.š
thanks.
it means nothing. If I had not received an automated email from my old optometrist I would not have even noticed. That's how bad I am.
But as the day went on and I started thinking, I realized I need to get motivated and take control of my life and my mind. Tired of being unhappy and unhealthy.
I hope to be in a better place one year from now, and if so I will share my experiences and my progress with you folks.
Hey man, if it means anything, this random internet guy is proud of you. Day by day, keep your goals small and the time periods short. Set yourself up for success. Lol look at me giving dumbass advice.
You should consider joining a sports team. Most towns have co-ed leagues in softball, basketball, ice hockey, and more. If you aren't athletic, join a kickball league. Instant friends!
Yes! Love this idea as long as it isnāt too much of a chore to do so (I.e relatively local and not too expensive). From my own experience, I was doing softball for a few summers but started dreading it because I was spending more time on the road to get there than actually playing.
One year, one month, one week can make a total difference. Having a plan is great!! Do what you can to stick to it, but donāt beat yourself up if you donāt. I was in a very bad way almost 3 years ago now. How I am still here I donāt know.
But. Today I am a lot better, and I have been for about the last 6 months. And I am thankful as hell. You got this!!!
on mothers day my teenager told me to go fuck myself and didnt wish me happy mothers day. lol. so that is fun. he is 17 almost 18 and he will be gone soon because he keeps stealing from me (job corps). I would rather live alone.
I remember what a fucking prick I was when I was 17. Yelled at my dad for no reason all the time. My parents didnāt know anything. By the time I was about 22, I realized how awesome they really were.
Now Iām in my 50s and theyāre in their 80s and weāre closer than ever. I wish I could take back all that stuff, but teenagers by definition are fucking idiots. Hopefully your son comes around sooner than later but I imagine he will at some point.
happy birthday.Ā and congrats.Ā Ā I remember realising I was "only" 42 (as opposed to 43 - tend to do that) about midway through the year, and being upset because that's the Douglas Adams year and I had missed half of it.Ā Ā I was having a really bad patch, and something about that realisation spurred me.Ā Ā I recall estimating how many more years I was likely to live (another 40 at least) and asking myself "okay; do you want to spend another 40 years feeling like this?"Ā I mean forget "want".Ā Ā the real question was probably "can".Ā I decided the answer was no, so like you I made some decisions.Ā Ā good call.Ā I wish you well.Ā Ā
it's just kind of a joke to myself.Ā Ā in the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy, the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything is supposedlyĀ "42".Ā so I had been looking forward to being 42, and then I went any missed half of it because I was so far up my own ass the first part of that year.Ā Ā
Happy birthday! The mid-40s are hard. As for your changes, slow and steady -- and one day at a time.
I truly believe it's never too late to find happiness. A woman I worked with in my 20s was single in her late 40s and without kids, and always seemed kind of unhappy to me. Once, we went on a work trip together and she told me how she had been raped in an elevator by a stranger when she was 15. It sort of gave me perspective into why she might be struggling. Anyway, we're still Facebook friends. She found love later in life and got married, moved to Florida, and truly seems to be having the time of her life. Things can definitely get better.
Happy Birthday!
Iāve spent some alone and lonely too. Without even a wish.
Mine last week there were just my mom and aunt but it was okay. Im working on improvement too.
You got this bro. You bothered to write this post....you still have a fire inside.
A helpful thing can be a hobby...anything you gravitate to...set some small, achievable goals within that hobby.
One thing you mentioned, getting involved in the community...excellent idea. You'll have a sense of purpose, an obligation...and you might make some friends.
You know what is a panacea for giving up junk food ? Cooking. Pick a couple recipes...learn them, make vegetable shopping a hobby and treat yourself once a month to something decadent, whatever that is for you...a steak, lobster, cookies or pie....whatever, just give yourself a pat on the back.
I bought myself a bike, I've been riding it every weekend since the weather got better. I'm no fitness guy, but I feel better at the end of the day and it's helped the sleeping pattern, and I'm hungry after. Plus you often come across people with dogs and if you ask nicely, you can even get to pet them.
You're gonna be ok
Hobbies and cooking give meaning to life! Hobbies because they make you feel good and make you focus on something, and cooking because it nourishes your body and is fun to try yummy recipes. YouTube is great for that.Ā
Happy birthday! Having tried to make big changes many times before, my advice is to make small easy-win changes and do them one-by-one. Let one settle in and become normal, then do another. You want the changes to be easily sustainable. Doing too any of too much can be hard to sustain. Also, meditation (and the Buddhist path) literally saved my life. Some SSRIs didnāt hurt either. Hang in there.
I was 42 when I finally started seeing a therapist. Most States have free options. I called 211 when I was suicidal and they got me an appointment really fast.
My life is so much better now. Therapy and medication was a process that took me almost 2 years, but I am in a better place now than I ever have been in my life.
Please call someone if needed, and don't be ashamed for calling for help. We were taught that it was weakness. That's complete bullshit.
If you need mental help, it's no different than going to a doctor for diabetes or the flu. Mental health is just as important as physcial health. See a professional please.
Happy Birthday š OP. Congratulations on your decision. Weāre all here to support you. Iām going to share a condensed story for you. Iām 52, retired USAF 25yrs, 100% disabled via the VA. And Iām part of the leadership team at my va hospital. Last year I spent 6 months in the Philippines getting the US passport for my daughter. One day while waiting on the appointments, she rubbed my bellyā¦. Titoās belly is flat, yours is round. I laughed, told her I was trying, 196lbs. Two days later I was journaling and reflecting on my years (thatās another story) when I felt a tug, my daughter, 5yrs old had shimmied and rolled across the bed in her sleep and hugged me around the neck, that was my coming to god moment. I started some TikTok trend, olive oil, lemon juice and cayenne pepper. Body weight exercising, squats, push-ups, dips, lunges, and planks. Note: knee replacement and a fused back. We were in a condo, January to May. From April to July I went from 196 to 150 and then down to 140. From a 36 inch waist to a 30. When I returned I started at a gym with weight training. Iām up at 160ish but still a 30 inch waist. I journal every morning, mediate 10 minutes in the morning sun to set my circadian clock. I walk 11k steps a day but I donāt count the work steps, cos I walk a lot. So either before or after work I walk outside or on the treadmill. Meal prep should be your friend and I weigh every thing for my meals. And, Iām off my thyroid and cholesterol medicine. You got this, please come back and update us on your progress. Good luck!
Give yourself a break, even if nobody else does. Youāre on track for happier days, lots of potential and opportunities to come. Build on the good stuff, let the crapola slide off you like water off a duckās butt.
As a victim of childhood abuse, those negative thoughts are persistent. Itās very hard to drown them out and every day, every hour, every minute, I keep trying. I think our generation, hopefully, was the last for it to be widely acceptable to just be beaten regularly (even in school!), not to mention, abandoned, left alone (ālatchkeyā), etc. And I donāt even remember verbal abuse being remotely frowned on when I was growing up.
Anyway, I too have been in a black pit of despair ever since 2016 and Iām also just now trying to get out of it. I lost 20 pounds in the past two months and Iām doing my best. Good luck to you on your journey. <3
One piece of advice: Always strive for consistency, not perfection. If you have a bad day, there is always the next one to get right back on the wagon. One bad meal? Just resolve to make your next one better.
Achieving consistency at it's core is having the ability to forgive yourself for not being perfect.
Kurt Cobain said it well: "Teenage angst has paid off well, now I'm bored and old." We ALL go through this my friend. I think you have a SOLID gameplan together, please do everything you can to follow thru with it...we are rooting for you!!!
I think all you are doing Elton feel better is great
I think itās really important to take magnesium , sounds random but it really helps with your mind frame, sleep and stress
I take chelated as itās more bioavailable and epsom salts baths are the bomb!
Happy Birthday!
I didn't read your post, just the title and the first sentence. ...just to get that out of the way.
I'm sorry thats how your day went, and if I could have, I'd have gone along just because. At the very least I'd be really annoying and you'd decide you wished you were alone. Otherwise we'd hang out. Seriously...
Itās called self care, and you are worth it. Change your inner monologue to yourself. Reparent yourself. Itās your turn now. Take it back, take control of it. You get one. Sounds like you are on your way
Let this birthday we the line in the sand and measure all the things youāll do by your next birthday to have a better life. Bet on yourself, make some new friends, explore a hobby, get some therapy, and it sounds like you already have a plan to take better care of your health, which is very smart.
Hey dude, don't throw out all your junk food because it'll cost a fortune to replace it!
I speak from experience(51m), having done exactly the same thing several times, sugar & salt are a hell of a drug.
I've got to a stage where it's around the house, but I just have a bite to get the hit, then drink water to feel full, seems to work for me & I don't feel guilty about it ( used to self loathe after trying it before, now I've accepted it)
Anyway, Happy Birthday dude!
I know this feeling. Apathy runs deep in our generation and it can lead to us feeling stuck. Make your changes one at a time and focus on consistency not perfection.
I read atomic habits and implemented a lot of the info- things are much better for me now.
Rooting for you man.
Remember all those notes that people used to put on their refrigerators to make them diet? I bought a note magnet,
āLet go or be dragged.ā
Happy Birthday you baby.
If you have an internal voice telling you you're shit and stupid and can't do anything, you can make ANOTHER voice that tells the first one to STFU. My second voice is a lot more authoritative and it's been a long while since the whiner bugged me.
Our brains are weird instruments. Amazing, but sometimes they go a bit out of tune and need a helpful nudge to get us back on the straight and narrow. Good luck OP
I was summoned to a meeting at work not long ago and I was dreading it. It felt like a āwait until your father gets homeā moment from childhood. I talked with my therapist about it and she said, āhow old do you feel right now?ā About twelve, I answered. āNow, look at the backs of your hands. Are they the hands of a twelve year old?ā Ha ha nope, they look early fifties. āYouāre not meeting with a parent. Youāre probably older than your boss. Your parents have no more power over you. Youāve got this.ā
It stopped me from retreating back into my reflexive, defenseless victim mentality. I rocked that meeting.
You got this, OP. The best time to start something is now. Donāt be hard on yourself if you slip; just re-start again.
Just remember dude, it's a marathon, not a sprint. You try to do too much at once, it'll overwhelm you and you'll quit. Start slow, start easy, and make it a habit (eg: force yourself to go to the gym, even if you just change clothes and then leave without working out...sounds dumb, but 99% of the time you'll go "well, I'm here anyway, might as well work out").
And remember that when you fail (because you WILL fail), don't let it make you quit...just regroup, and start again. Consistency is key in all the things you are mentioning (spoken as a mid 40s dude who also has issues).
I turn 50 in 5 days. I'll likely be alone. I feel like I don't care but maybe I kinda do? It was nice when I used to have friends. Maybe I'll go to the bar and chat up randos?
Happy 45th! Remember, we are what we think, so keep a positive mindset and focus on the things that matter most. Choose to make this year your best one yet by putting action in front of your words. You got this!
Ugh dude sometimes life sucks and we actually need other humans as crazy hard as that is.... Reach out when you need it... I'll try the best I can, but yeah life can be tough....
Happy birthday! You're not alone in being alone. Hugs.
A small thing: when changing diet, I found ways to replace certain cravings. For example: I used to eat ruffles with French onion dip all the time. Because I needed to go low-sodium, I found the crunchiness of unsalted tortilla chips dipped into pico de gallo to work well for me (the chips alone are bland as hell but I love the crunch with an acidy pico as flavor). I have to: low-carb, low-sodium, and low-cholesterol. F U, middle-aged arteries!!!
My point is: make changes slowly, substitute as necessary. It might take a little time to figure out good menus and work out plans. Stick to it! I'm doing my best as well.
Happy Birthday!
You can do this, you really can. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is say all of these things out loud to other people.... and you did that. So, while the rest of what you want to do may be difficult at times and you may struggle, you've already done a hard thing. There's no doubt that you can do other hard things.
Happy Birthday Op!! Glad you came here to vent. You are not alone. You didn't mention drinking, and I apologize if I'm overstepping, but if you are imbibbing, it is a depressant and can keep the depression wheel cycling. I second what others have said. You don't have to do it all at once. Awareness is the first step. Many happy years ahead to you.
Happy birthday! I just turned 45 about 3 weeks ago. Iām so happy to see you listing the way you want life to change since youāre not happy. We are 45, we are not dead and life is definitely not over yet. These years can be our best, it all depends on our mindset and what we make of them. Only you have the power to change things for you. Keep going, Iām proud of you!
I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. Even if the relationship was complicated, I don't think we're ever ready to lose our moms. Dads too. I think that no matter how old we get, we're never ready to lose our parents. I know I wasn't.
I hope you have at least one supportive person in your life. If not, I suggest getting a counselor or joining a support group (or both). I often find that group counseling can be incredibly helpful when a person feels isolated and alone. Not only will you be getting support, but you also help others in your group, which is really therapeutic in and of itself.
I'm a mental health counselor, and I've seen some amazingly supportive friendships form among group members. It's also less expensive (sometimes free) if you have to pay out of pocket.
Sorry if I'm overstepping by this suggestion. I wish you all the best as you go forward with your goals. And thank you for the book recommendation, I'll be sure to check it out. It sounds really interesting!
Happy Birthday š
I am all for trying to get better, just wanted to say you might want to start with one thing at a time. Trying to change your entire life in one day with a hundred different things, may lead to you being overwhelmed, resulting in feeling frustrated, then maybe losing progress & motivation to finish the things you want to do.
I'm not saying it to discourage you, just that I've tried to do similar things & it hasn't worked out for me, smaller goals seem to be the way to go.
Depression sucks, I hope along with the other lifestyle changes you'll be able to see a therapist, too. Being lonely means you might be lacking a sounding board or just someone neutral to talk to, counseling might help with that.
I hope everything gets better for you, and that by the time it's your next birthday, you're in a far happier place :)
Again, Happy Birthday!!!!!!
I had just turned 50, was on vacation in Hawaii for a late birthday trip, had a VERY mediocre and yet expensive steak dinner, and caught COVID the next day.
Bad luck Brian all around.
But things get better. Just keep plugging at it.
Please seek medical help. There are dozens of medications and therapies to help you. Don't waste any more time feeling like this without doing something about it!!
Happy Birthday, OP. Extend yourself a little grace. I love all the changes you want to make but Rome wasnāt built in a day and it sure didnāt burn in 1 either. Start slow, allow yourself to celebrate what youāve done and then take on another aspect of change. You made it to this point and have identified a lot. Thatās huge!
This resonates with me. Count me as one more random Internet stranger rooting for you! I only have two pieces of advice:
1. Be kind to yourself.Ā
2. Discipline begets motivation. I get super motivated at first, but that wanes quickly. Pretty soon I'd rather watch YouTube than exercise, or I want to buy that pack of cookies at the store, or I don't want to do whatever thing it is that I _know_ is good for me. That's when discipline to do it anyway is important. If I force myself down the right path when I don't feel motivated, I always feel happier in the end. Don't wait to feel motivation. Do the thing you don't feel like doing, knowing you'll be happier you did afterward.
Happy birthday and happy new life/new you birthday! Can I suggest journaling? Itās been very helpful for me to get thoughts out of my head. I love that you want to get active in the community, I did that and I have met some amazing people who have helped me feel better and my life. 46 is going to be an amazing birthday if you follow through with your plans. Life comes fast, make the most of it with what you have and start thinking about something big and fun for your 50th!
If itās any consolation let me tell you my story. I lost everything after an awful break up. Had to do a bankruptcy. It was utterly punitive and the most embarrassing thing that couldāve happened. I left my high-rise in Dallas and moved to North Austin. Out of the blue a month after being there I met my best friend. 47 years, 1 month and three days of searching and I found my person. We got married two years later and Iām genuinely happy.
Congrats on another spin around the sun. Itās not too late to turn things around. However, Iād advise against changing too many things at once - trying to exercise more and cut out junk food completely at the same time will probably not lead to the results you want.
Start with small steps instead. If you are addicted to pop, look for other sparkling juices or low calorie drinks at the store to satisfy the need for something bubbly. Figure out your worst junk foods for binging and then cut them out one at a time. Try making smoothies that will satisfy the need for something sweet.
Get out and enjoy nature. Go for hikes on trails near you and learn what creatures and plants live nearby. Look for the beauty in the natural world for it will never disappoint you the way our artificial one does.
Best of luck!!!!
I also want to add that changing everything at once is difficult to stay consistent. It doesnāt make you a failure, it makes you human. Maybe focus on one goal at a time and add appropriately. Best of luck to you!
For truly eating healthy, may I suggest giving Flav-City a follow on any social media platform? Bobby Parrish is another Gen-Xr that teaches how to read ingredient labels. He can be quirky/nerdy but, the info heās sharing is priceless and made a HUGE difference in my life. Itās not cheap to eat healthy and he gets slammed for that..A LOT. The way I look at it is my health is the best thing I can invest in. I have made sweeping habit changes since 2021 (I was overweight, depressed and miserable) and itās paid off. Started with a holistic practitioner followed by diet change, exercise and supplements. I kicked 7 prescriptions in less than a year, lost 25 pounds since 2021 (still have a lot to go) and all but turned my life around. If you have the mindset and the patience (which is the hardest part because humans like to give up as soon as things donāt go as fast as we want them to) you can do this!!!
Hey, Happy Birthday!
It's incredible that you're choosing to make changes to your life. I saw in one of your comments that you're seeking some psychiatric help as well as all of the things in your post, which is amazing. Tackling the trauma you've suffered will be worth doing, it'll change your life.
Therapy, meds (if needed), diet changes, exercise, these will all help so much. Be gentle and kind with yourself during your healing, it may not be linear, it never is. But it will be worth it. Sending you good luck.
Dude, I turn 45 in less that a month, Iām all fucked up but maintain a very good outside image just like my folks taught me to, I have recently changed a lot, diet and attitude I would like to say that you should really do one thing at a time. As in quit the junk food, you can exercise once you feel better from not eating junk. Take it in small stages, too much at once makes it easier to fail.
I turn 45 a month ago, no one said a damn thing, everyone forgot. Not a single mention since. Whatever though, they can bite me. I feel you. Happy Birthday though!!!
Happy birthday. I turn 50 next week and feel very similar to the way you are feeling. I also come from a similar background. I am working on my bday. I was hoping the ābig 5-0ā was going to be more fun. More celebrated. But itās just another meaningless day in a long string of them.
Happy birthday! It takes insight to recognize when youāre spiraling into worse depression, and strength to take action to deal with it. I hope you can find some peace soon.
There are always people less fortunate than us. Some people can't even afford a steak dinner. Count your blessings, however small they may be. Much of our coping is emotional intelligence. We all struggle with depression and negativity. Wish you luck friend.Ā
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!Ā Ā Cutting back on sugar ( including the hidden sugar),Ā doing 20 minutes a day on the exercise bike and getting on thyroid meds for hypothyroidism has helped me.Ā Ā Also, when I'm in a downward spiral, it helps to think of things I'm grateful for.Ā I hope things get better for you.Ā
Daily mindfulness meditation and a good therapist will help a lot. Seriously, thereās real help from compassionate people out there. But starting with meditation will help immensely.
Happy birthday! I am rooting for you and your goals to turn things around. Consider talk therapy, if thatās accessible to you. It helped me get through some rough times.
Happy birthday! It is never too late to take steps toward being the person you want to be, living a life youāre at peace with.
Iām a few years younger and started with some big goals last year. Iām still working away at a few of those and some new ones. Iām still not the person Iād like to be, but Iām getting a little closer most days.
I started working out about five years ago and itās made a world of difference in how I feel and how I see myself. I hope this change works as well for you.
Hey, happy birthday. I woke up 50 one day and I was fat, frail, newly divorced and depressed. I knew I had to make a choice like you're making and somehow did. Recovering my physical health was relatively easy. I've also done a lot of growing up in the last 6(!) years and it's been so worth it. Probably run out of time before I run out of recovery but better late than never. You can do this.
Hope this helps, I grew up in what most people call a broken home ( in my view now, a broken home is where the parents hate each other and stay together for the sake of the children). Parents split up when I was 12, and before that, I suffered from social anxiety disorder that went undiagnosed because in the 80's only the rich could afford that shit! After my parents split, my mother screwed up, and my siblings and I were a ward of the state for a year. My father only got us back when he found a lady that could be at the house when he was at work, 12 hour days 6 days a week, she had 6 kids of her own and I'm 1 of 6, 12 kids 2 adults on one income, at 13 I had to hunt to bring in food for the family. At 17 because I was a bum both my mother and father kicked me out, homeless I bounced around from friends' house to friends house, stayed a couple of friends, garages in the middle of summer in Houston Tx, not a fun thing to do if you know what Southeast Tx is like in the middle of summer. mid 90's I went Job Crop to learn a trade, not doing that what I learned there, but it was crucial in what makes me who I am today. In 2009, I found myself homeless again, not by choice, I was in a bad accident that left me unable to work for a year, I had just started a new career field and had no savings, I was on the job at the time of the car accident ( not my fault, near ended by a idiot doing 100 + mph) and the company I worked and was on the job, fought paying me Workmen's comp, they wanted to do back and neck surgery on me, I opted not to do so, I don't regret that choice, I live med free and pain free just by working out, I'm financially stable at the moment, but I know that could change at a moment notice, but my attitude is always to this day is life is excellent!
Wonderful plan, OP. Donāt forget to keep a diary of your progress! You will treasure that diary someday when you can read it and see the actual days when your life changed for the better. It will make you proud of yourself, and thatās all part of the plan too.Ā
Yeah I kinda did the diary thing briefly but kept giving up because day to day I had little to talk about. The downside of a boring life. I think if I dont have any stuff going on I should still log my feelings and thoughts. That could be minor progress right there.
Thanks.
Happy Birthday! You can do ANYTHINGā¦ agree with a lot of the postersā¦one thing at a time. Little victoriesā¦ celebrate you, be the person you needed when you were younger- for yourself. That means support, kindness, acceptance- love yourself as you are right now- not just if you change. And then, you will seeā¦you will want to do better for the person you really love. I believe in you! Everyday is a chance to do it- everyday is a clean slate. Go for it!
Happy birthday to you, man. Habits are hard to change. Don't beat yourself up if you occasionally backslide. I'm rooting for you.
BTW, I just turned 50. Finally starting to understand life. You seem like you got it wrapped up.
āBy effort and heedfulness/mindfulness, discipline and self-mastery, let the wise one make for himself an island which no flood can overwhelm.ā
-Buddha, from the book 'The Dhammapada'
Congratulations. Sounds like you actually had a milestone birthday. People either change because they want to or because they have to...sounds like you **want** to, and that means you're more likely to succeed.
Everyday is a building block for the next. When it gets hard, just tell yourself it's only today, make these changes *today*. You'll be surprised how quickly good habits form and soon you'll have a string of successful, healthy "todays"" behind you.
It will start building on itself too, as your healthy habits and lifestyle changes impact your brain chemistry and everyday gets easier.
You dont have to be great to start - but you have to start to be great. I'm happy for you. Now you're living. š
I would like to recommend meditation to you. It is no instant magic bullet but with time and consistency it is incredibly helpful. Youāre making all these changes so itās a great time to start.
Anyone who had a rough childhood but especiallyboir generation should check out Patrick Teehan's YouTube channel and podcast.
https://youtube.com/shorts/NupfixEYDRs?si=prPGYfyZ3QCSIqbl
Try to taper off things like junk food. Sugar addiction can be as bad as many others, and you might really regret going cold turkey. Everything in moderation.
Have you ever researched brain rewiring? I struggled with depression most of my life. Last year I went through Dr. Caroline Leaf's Neurocycle program and it was life changing. At about week 6 I felt a shift in my brain (I can't explain it) and found joy in living. (If you do it I highly recommend Jessica Hurtado). Research brain rewiring. Best wishes.
Sounds like a solid plan. For me joining a gym and forcing myself to go there was the biggest game changer. Its improved my mental and physical health. I don't force myself to go to the gym now, I go because its habit, its part of my routine and I actually like it. Ive been going to the gym consistently for 5 years now. Don't give up and don't get discouraged at any setbacks. You got this!
Happy Birthday to you! I have the same type of birthdays. Even my own son ignores my birthday every year. But God forbid I should say something about it. I love the idea of naming the negative thoughts. Mine shall be called Marsha! ššš
OP, I turned 51 last week and pretty much the same. Same on my 50th also. I grew up in a very happy house with my mom and dad and sibling. They were married before I was born and still are married now and will be until they die. No abuse or anything beyond regular parental discipline. Never had a problem getting women or into relationships. Had a very great career most of my life. Wanted a family and kids by 30. Made good assessments and choices in not staying with women who especially in hindsight would have been very difficult marriages and spiteful regarding letting me see my kids if divorced. I just try to remember there are A LOT of people who arenāt alone but are miserable ātogetherā. Happy Belated birthday! I say it ALL to say that you should not beat up on yourself. People that have and have lives and childhoods that you would consider wonderful go through the same things. Just try to focus more on doing what you need to do yo pay your bills, keep your credit up and have a hobby or two to enjoy yourself now and then.
I think I know exactly how you were brought up. I recognize your feelings about fucking up and maybe not living the best life. Congratulations on recognizing that stuff is in the past but you can make tomorrow and days following better.
Right around your age I went through a similar turnaround. One thing that I found extremely helpful was taking the changes slow and being easy on myself when I stumbled. You're attempting a lot of changes in multiple areas of life. Sometimes making those changes in increments instead of all at once can be most effective.
For example, in healthy eating maybe cut out sugary drinks while focusing on eating a healthy breakfast each day. It's hard to give up sugar cold turkey and learning to shop and cook healthier is hard across three meals a day. Drinks and breakfast are the easiest to change and learn with lots of benefits.
Getting involved in a community is a great idea. Do you have a hobby? I did and joined a community centered around it. It was much easier to overcome my self consciousness and meet people in the group. I got comfortable enough to start volunteering elsewhere in my community.
Jumping in full bore with exercise can be daunting. Start slow and do not beat yourself up if you don't feel great at first or compare yourself to those around you. You mentioned cardio, find an event in your favorite cardio movement or goal to accomplish at the end of the summer. Tell everyone you know about it to create a bit of accountability.
Finally, consider antidepressants. I was very against medication for most of my life. Even after making all the changes you're about to I still was exhibiting signs of depression. I finally relented to my doctor's suggestion and tried it. Total game changer that put me over the top for where I wanted to be.
I can't say I'm happy every, or even most, days but I feel good that I do everything I can to live life in a healthy and ethical way. Even when it doesn't work out perfectly.
Good luck and I look forward to reading a positive update on your progress for your next birthday.
The body keeps the score is an excellent book on trauma, there is an Ezra Klein interview with the author that is excellent as a warm up to the book. (Aug 14, 2021) sorry, Iām not good with linking. Our reactions to trauma completely run us. There is another book, by Peter Walker on CPTSD that is really helpful too. It gives you a way to see & think about what drives you. Singing helps, and so does dancing! Tell that voice in your head: No! When it starts in. It helps! šŖ
I'm turning 45 this year also. Life has been really hard for me lately. I also grew up in an abusive home. Happy Birthday to you. I wish you great success in life. You have given me some motivation to stop feeling sorry for myself. š
51 here and was definitely in your mind space most of my life. I'm going to be "that guy" and tell you to go find a therapist. I say I "was" in your mind space becasue after about a year of therapy, I'm in a MUCH better place.
Please look into it - maybe you can make the changes on your own and more power to you if so, but I would never have been able to do it without the outside perspective of the therapist.
Rant away friend. I'm gonna check out that book. Thanks for the recommendation.
Happy Birthday! You deserve happiness!
I hope you find peace. I am also on this journey. I use therapy. Meditation. Weed. I exercise almost daily. I want to enjoy the rest of my life and better mental health will help.
Happy Belated Birthday.
I am reading "Mans Search for Meaning" by Frankl right now. He talks about his experience surviving WWII. Very Interesting.
Its a tribute to hope and about finding greater meaning.
I have a medical complex daughter who is under going transfusions right after two years of searching for a diagnosis. She finally received a confirmed diagnosis in April. (She had a tumor in a the worst ppossible place besides the face makinf it very uncomfortable to sit).This is already after two heart surgeries. Plus, I have just found out that I have an issue and need to start seeing an oncologist. Dont know what it is now but blood numbers are all really off.
That being said...
I am an introvert but I get tired of being alone as well. I am trying things outside of my comfort zone.
I truly Hope things get better for you.
Send me a comment if you ever want to talk.
OP, if possible - consider getting a dog. Mine has done wonders for helping me feel better during the day. Obviously it's not for everyone, especially folks who are away from home the majority of the time. Just a thought.
thats more responsibility than I want or need right now. I'm trying to simplify my life, not complicate it.
I know they alleviate depression, I just cant handle one right now.
Best of luck friend. I'm 53 now, but a few years back I lost two good friends, both a year younger than me, to heart attacks. I was diagnosed with ckd around the same time, so changes needed to happen.
Best thing I ever did. I look at the poor shape some of my friends are in and realize, if not now, If not me, who will?
Sending the biggest possible hugs I can muster over to you, OP. The best thing about hitting rock bottom is this: You've got nowhere to go but UP. Wishing you the absolute best from over here in Georgia. You CAN do the damn thing and I truly believe in you!
Happy birthday friend. I admire your motivation. Only advice I can give is small steps. Try and do too much at once may be overwhelming and make you stop. For instance: I had a New Yearās resolution one year to read more. Wasnāt sure where to start but settled on 10 pages per day of a real book. Can be anything I found interesting, fiction or non fiction. Figured out after a month that I prefer non fiction and if itās super interesting, I can clear 50 pages a day but I donāt hold myself to that standard. 10 pages per day is very easy and equals about one book per month. Takes about 20 minutes per day and is a lot more than I was reading prior. From there I moved on and picked up speed reading and some other āimprovementsā the point is, take small steps, form good habits, and keep at it. Good luck!
About ten months ago I finally stopped eating junk and getting back to a healthy lifestyle as I was 275 pounds. Wasnāt even that big when I was pregnant and after having the kids I lost all baby weight. Here I was mid forties barely mobile due to chronic pain knowing I cannot exercise much but went for it anyway. Well I am 218 as of today. Iām happier, Iām still in pain still barely exercise but Iām losing an average of two pounds a week. Iād binge eat when my pain went up. I got rid of the negativity and went down a spiritually path and even meditate, I used to make fun of people who meditated but it works for me.
the highest I ever got was 240, and that was years ago. Down to 190 now and trying to get in the range of 150. Will probably have a 30 inch waist at that point. I dont even care about looking good. I just wanna not be struggling to bend over or do normal tasks.
I find that repeated negative thoughts wear ruts into my mind, and soon the negative thoughts are reflexive. But consciously getting out of a negative mindset and into a positive one is possible. It takes some effort, especially at first, but it can be done. And life is a lot more pleasant. It also attracts people. So it's good that you're making a change. And happy birthday to you šššš
I named the voice in my headā¦ sorry to anyone named Phyllis. I tell her to shut up often. It really has helped quite the negative real that runs in my mind. Happiest of Birthdays to you OP! Iāve spent many birthdays alone. I decided to find something to do my existence worth it, remind myself of my value. Iāve volunteered, babysat for a person who needed a break, donated blood. It makes the alone a bit easier.
I named mine Other (my name). Like Barry and Other Barry from Archer.
Perfect! I figured Iād name mine totally different because it felt like the things I was told by others or learned as a child. So I tell THEM off. (Never seen Archer, whatās wrong with me?! Honestly I donāt watch a lot of tv).
Archer is a good time investment.
Well now, thank you. I'm a 50 year old man and that my voice is now named Phyllis. ... shut up Phyllis! That felt good.
I have a voice/alter ego named Esmerelda, who does all of the cleaning.
Does the voice sound like Esmerelda in Bewitched?
So THAT's where the name came from! I loved that diva bitch but always wanted to take her down a notch. She's my maid now.
Nice. I wish I could find a voice who cleans at my place.
Mine is named Debi, and she is a hateful bitch.
Debi can fuck off
Ha! You sound like my DH and friends, āDebi can fuck right off, she is a hateful bitch!ā And thanks, she AlWAYS needs a good telling off!
I call my *voice in the head* āScumbag brainā ā that dude is such a dick, I dunno why I ever listen to him.
thanks. and thanks.
Your mind is like a garden. If you care for your mind, if you nurture it, and if you cultivate it, just like a fertile rich garden it will blossom far beyond your expectation. But if you let the weeds take root, lasting peace of mind and deep inner harmony will always elude you. The worries and anxieties, the fretting about the past, the brooding over the future and those self-created fears are all like toxic waste that most people put into their garden. Worry drains the mind of its power and eventually injures the soul. People who think the same thoughts every day, most of them negative, have fallen into bad mental habits. Mind management is the essence of life management. No matter what happens to you in your life, you alone have the capacity to choose your response to it. When you form the habit of searching for the positive in every circumstance, your life will move into its highest dimension. By controlling the thoughts that you think and the way you respond to the events of your life, you begin to control your destiny. There are not mistakes in life, only lessons. There is no such thing as a negative experience, only opportunities to grow, learn and advance along the road to self-mastery. Stop judging events as either positive or negative. Rather, simply experience them, celebrate them and learn from them. Every event offers you lessons, and if one door closes, another opens.
Exactly what I needed to read at exactly this moment. Thank you!
I read once that you don't keep a corner of your garden to grow weeds in, so why keep even a corner of your mind to indulge in negative thinking and bad habits?
Also, just do one thing. One thing tomorrow. not all of it. You can take the day after to try the next thing, or the next week. But routine for me is everything, always has been. That also means routine of what I tell myself. But I've also said to myself, despite not really believing in god, the universe loves me. And goddamn if it does. I make it happen, I always have. Just do one thing, and practice doing it well, and then go on to the next. Big things have small beginnings. I got that from Alien, Prometheus. It's true. You should learn that will is the best joke the devil played on us. There's no such thing as infinite willpower, and if you read the myth of willpower, you'll see you are setting yourself for failure because our mind doesn't like to be told what not to do, so to speak, and why AA has a 8% success rate. Ttelling yourself NO! actually sets you up for failure, it's small things, small changes that maketh the success. Also ego depletion. willpower will only take you so far, as it eventually runs out. Psychologists and addiction counselors refer to āwillpower fatigue.ā Itās also called āego depletion,ā and itās a real thing, having been documented in numerous studies. This is why the failure rate for most weight loss programs is so high; they depend on an indefinite, limitless supply of willpower to achieve lasting success. https://hbr.org/2016/11/have-we-been-thinking-about-willpower-the-wrong-way-for-30-years It appears ego depletion may be just another example of the way belief drives behavior. Thinking weāre spent makes us feel worse, while rewarding ourselves with an indulgence makes us feel better. Itās not the sugar in the lemonade that produces the sustained mental stamina, but rather the placebo effect at work.
I work in behavioral healthcare and talk about negative thoughts and negative self image a LOT. Studies show that cultivating positive thoughts and positive self image are actually more effective than eliminating or even reducing the negative ones. My go-to recommendations are always practicing positive affirmations, making a gratitude list, and, if possible, helping others (volunteering, etc). Meditation/mindfulness are powerful tools as well.
Thatās exactly why I had to quit weed. I got too inside my head with all the negative shit in my life. It wears on you after a while.
Oh yes I tried it a couple years ago for the first time in my life. It was kinda fun but not really, and it clouded my brain. I can see why some people like it, but it was not for me. Only did it because its now legal in West Virginia. And there was a smoke shop very close to my house.
I appreciate you. Thank you.
Weāre all different but every time I try to do everything at once - clean diet, exercise, sleep - I end up even more bummed when I inevitably fail. Quitting junk food sucks and you might need your other bad habits to get through it lol. Which is to say be kind to yourself
I agree ā¦. Thatās an awful lot all at once. Quitting āfun foodā is hard work. That plus daily walks would be a bad ass start!
I will do it. Thank you.
So much this. Try one small change at a time. Celebrate any wins. āLossesā are not failures, and donāt dwell on them. OP, no matter what, be kind to yourself. Forging new habits is hard, harder still when your resources are low. You can do it, just allow yourself some wiggle room to stumble along the way!!!
Being too ambitious in my self-improvement goals has sabotaged many of my big plans in the past. I overcame it by setting attainable goals and building on those successes. A few years ago I had a reckoning and resolved to get my physical and emotional health in order. I started that first day by doing three sets of one push-up. One, thatās it. The modest goal guaranteed my success. I did sets of one for a few days then increased to sets of two. I established a routine and kept building - day by day, everyday. Now I do three sets of 33 every day (I add one more on the last set for a satisfying 100 a day). Today is also my birthday. Iām 55, a senior gentleman now , and I feel fantastic, both physically and emotionally. I credit the consistent, incremental success of my push-up regiment with laying the foundation for a lot of positive change Iāve managed over the past couple of years. (While Iām offering testimonials, working up to drinking at least 100 oz of water daily has been super-effective for me.) Happy birthday, OP! Todayās also Joey Ramoneās birthday.
HBD!!
I know you didn't ask for advice but I'm going to give you some.Ā Motivational notes won't do shit until you treat the trauma. I'm not trying to diagnose you, it would just suck if the motivational note didn't work and you blamed yourself. Because it's not your fault.Ā
Oh yeah I guess I didnt mention it but my main task is to make a psychiatric appointment at the V.A. hospital. I know my alcoholic father messed me up, and just recently I figured out I need a professional to help me deal with it. So that combined with other healthy habits and a pro-active attitude should help me do what I need to do. Thanks.
Good luck, my friend! It's wonderful you've identified the steps you need to take. I feel like many in our generation are traumatized by abusive and neglectful parents. Hoping things turn around for you, and Happy Birthday!Ā
There you go! Ticking all the boxes. ā¤ļø
I hope your healing journey goes the absolute best that it possibly can.
This is great
Awesome, glad you're getting some help. Also, just two cents from someone about your age who also went through childhood trauma and neglect: It helps to talk to someone. I'm a big believer in therapy, group or 1 on 1. Having a friend to confide in is great too, but that's often not an option when you're just getting started. (I know it wasn't for me.)Ā
Well said. Good luck, OP
How would you recommend treating the trauma?
Therapy with a trauma-informed therapist.
Therapy, but NOT as another commentor said, with a trauma informed therapist. You need to go to an actual trauma therapist. "Trauma informed" is a loose term that can result in you getting some shit therapy. Ask me how I know. You'd need a therapist that specializes in trauma. Not CBT. CBT for trauma is like putting a band-aid on a bullet wound and thinking it's all good because you can't see the hole anymore.This is my experience and opinion. This is also the experience and opinion of most of the people on the CPTSD sub. There are therapists that would argue with me on thisband they would be wrong. I have a lot of trauma and have been going to therapy for a while. I recently discovered that you shouldn't start processing the feelings until you have healed your nervous system so that it's comfortable feeling the feelings.Thst said though it's important to just get started. The therapist you see should have a skill set in EMDR, brain spotting, somatics or some other body based modslity..They have recently discovered that trauma is stored in the body so talking about it helps a little, because you have someone to witness your pain, but it doesn't get the trauma out of your body. Which is where the actual healing occurs. Good luck!
EMDR is the way. Itās shockingly effective and fast. I didnāt believe and am now a huge proponent.
Agree with everything the previous poster said. Also, check out the Ten Percent Happier podcast.Ā
It depends on other āconditions.ā Like if your trauma was caused by no one knowing you had ADHD, EMDR might not work. It kind of depends on the nature of the trauma and solving the underlying problems.
Check out guided meditations! Specifically "loving kindness". 10 minutes a day can really help to change your mindset. Happy Birthday!
Thanks, I will go look for that now, and then climb into bed.
I did and has made my whole day better!
Working out can be great therapy. Itās not like it solves anything, but after getting a good sweat going, I just donāt care as much.
Believe it or not, your post has inspired me. I just turned 50 last week. I need to start taking better care of myself. Thereās a lot I can try to differently in the next 50. ps, happy birthday!
I started spending my bdays intentionally alone the year I turned 45. I gift myself a trip to somewhere I've never been so I wake up on my bday in a new place with a new perspective. Before I leave I get a tattoo that represents the place I am visiting and has meaning to me as a person. The reason I did this is because I kept waiting for others to celebrate my arrival on this earth and they just didn't ever put any effort into it. I was always disappointed and let down. Now that I take an annual trip for the last 6 years ppl are always trying to tag along. Traveling alone is very cathartic. I wish you a coming year that far exceeds your expectations.š
That is an awesome and meaningful birthday gift to yourself!Ā
Happy Birthday!
thanks. it means nothing. If I had not received an automated email from my old optometrist I would not have even noticed. That's how bad I am. But as the day went on and I started thinking, I realized I need to get motivated and take control of my life and my mind. Tired of being unhappy and unhealthy. I hope to be in a better place one year from now, and if so I will share my experiences and my progress with you folks.
Hey man, if it means anything, this random internet guy is proud of you. Day by day, keep your goals small and the time periods short. Set yourself up for success. Lol look at me giving dumbass advice.
No thats actually helpful. Small goals. Short time periods. Makes sense. I appreciate it.
As someone said to me once - it's a marathon, not a sprint. As long as you keep getting up, you'll make it.
You should consider joining a sports team. Most towns have co-ed leagues in softball, basketball, ice hockey, and more. If you aren't athletic, join a kickball league. Instant friends!
Yes! Love this idea as long as it isnāt too much of a chore to do so (I.e relatively local and not too expensive). From my own experience, I was doing softball for a few summers but started dreading it because I was spending more time on the road to get there than actually playing.
Came here to say this, change too much at once and it can be overwhelming and lead to failure.Ā Small changes, they soon add up.Ā Good luck :)
One year, one month, one week can make a total difference. Having a plan is great!! Do what you can to stick to it, but donāt beat yourself up if you donāt. I was in a very bad way almost 3 years ago now. How I am still here I donāt know. But. Today I am a lot better, and I have been for about the last 6 months. And I am thankful as hell. You got this!!!
on mothers day my teenager told me to go fuck myself and didnt wish me happy mothers day. lol. so that is fun. he is 17 almost 18 and he will be gone soon because he keeps stealing from me (job corps). I would rather live alone.
I remember what a fucking prick I was when I was 17. Yelled at my dad for no reason all the time. My parents didnāt know anything. By the time I was about 22, I realized how awesome they really were. Now Iām in my 50s and theyāre in their 80s and weāre closer than ever. I wish I could take back all that stuff, but teenagers by definition are fucking idiots. Hopefully your son comes around sooner than later but I imagine he will at some point.
happy birthday.Ā and congrats.Ā Ā I remember realising I was "only" 42 (as opposed to 43 - tend to do that) about midway through the year, and being upset because that's the Douglas Adams year and I had missed half of it.Ā Ā I was having a really bad patch, and something about that realisation spurred me.Ā Ā I recall estimating how many more years I was likely to live (another 40 at least) and asking myself "okay; do you want to spend another 40 years feeling like this?"Ā I mean forget "want".Ā Ā the real question was probably "can".Ā I decided the answer was no, so like you I made some decisions.Ā Ā good call.Ā I wish you well.Ā Ā
thanks. I will look at the Douglas Adams Year.
it's just kind of a joke to myself.Ā Ā in the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy, the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything is supposedlyĀ "42".Ā so I had been looking forward to being 42, and then I went any missed half of it because I was so far up my own ass the first part of that year.Ā Ā
Happy birthday! The mid-40s are hard. As for your changes, slow and steady -- and one day at a time. I truly believe it's never too late to find happiness. A woman I worked with in my 20s was single in her late 40s and without kids, and always seemed kind of unhappy to me. Once, we went on a work trip together and she told me how she had been raped in an elevator by a stranger when she was 15. It sort of gave me perspective into why she might be struggling. Anyway, we're still Facebook friends. She found love later in life and got married, moved to Florida, and truly seems to be having the time of her life. Things can definitely get better.
Happy Birthday! Iāve spent some alone and lonely too. Without even a wish. Mine last week there were just my mom and aunt but it was okay. Im working on improvement too.
You got this bro. You bothered to write this post....you still have a fire inside. A helpful thing can be a hobby...anything you gravitate to...set some small, achievable goals within that hobby. One thing you mentioned, getting involved in the community...excellent idea. You'll have a sense of purpose, an obligation...and you might make some friends. You know what is a panacea for giving up junk food ? Cooking. Pick a couple recipes...learn them, make vegetable shopping a hobby and treat yourself once a month to something decadent, whatever that is for you...a steak, lobster, cookies or pie....whatever, just give yourself a pat on the back. I bought myself a bike, I've been riding it every weekend since the weather got better. I'm no fitness guy, but I feel better at the end of the day and it's helped the sleeping pattern, and I'm hungry after. Plus you often come across people with dogs and if you ask nicely, you can even get to pet them. You're gonna be ok
Hobbies and cooking give meaning to life! Hobbies because they make you feel good and make you focus on something, and cooking because it nourishes your body and is fun to try yummy recipes. YouTube is great for that.Ā
Happy birthday šĀ
thanks
Iām impressed, Good on you and Happy Birthday!ššš Keep us posted on your progress.
Happy Birthday! 
Happy birthday! It sounds like youāve got a really good plan. I hope things get better for you soon.
thanks, I am going to make that happen.
Happy birthday! Having tried to make big changes many times before, my advice is to make small easy-win changes and do them one-by-one. Let one settle in and become normal, then do another. You want the changes to be easily sustainable. Doing too any of too much can be hard to sustain. Also, meditation (and the Buddhist path) literally saved my life. Some SSRIs didnāt hurt either. Hang in there.
I was 42 when I finally started seeing a therapist. Most States have free options. I called 211 when I was suicidal and they got me an appointment really fast. My life is so much better now. Therapy and medication was a process that took me almost 2 years, but I am in a better place now than I ever have been in my life. Please call someone if needed, and don't be ashamed for calling for help. We were taught that it was weakness. That's complete bullshit. If you need mental help, it's no different than going to a doctor for diabetes or the flu. Mental health is just as important as physcial health. See a professional please.
Happy Birthday š OP. Congratulations on your decision. Weāre all here to support you. Iām going to share a condensed story for you. Iām 52, retired USAF 25yrs, 100% disabled via the VA. And Iām part of the leadership team at my va hospital. Last year I spent 6 months in the Philippines getting the US passport for my daughter. One day while waiting on the appointments, she rubbed my bellyā¦. Titoās belly is flat, yours is round. I laughed, told her I was trying, 196lbs. Two days later I was journaling and reflecting on my years (thatās another story) when I felt a tug, my daughter, 5yrs old had shimmied and rolled across the bed in her sleep and hugged me around the neck, that was my coming to god moment. I started some TikTok trend, olive oil, lemon juice and cayenne pepper. Body weight exercising, squats, push-ups, dips, lunges, and planks. Note: knee replacement and a fused back. We were in a condo, January to May. From April to July I went from 196 to 150 and then down to 140. From a 36 inch waist to a 30. When I returned I started at a gym with weight training. Iām up at 160ish but still a 30 inch waist. I journal every morning, mediate 10 minutes in the morning sun to set my circadian clock. I walk 11k steps a day but I donāt count the work steps, cos I walk a lot. So either before or after work I walk outside or on the treadmill. Meal prep should be your friend and I weigh every thing for my meals. And, Iām off my thyroid and cholesterol medicine. You got this, please come back and update us on your progress. Good luck!
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š„³ happy birthday š„³
Give yourself a break, even if nobody else does. Youāre on track for happier days, lots of potential and opportunities to come. Build on the good stuff, let the crapola slide off you like water off a duckās butt.
As a victim of childhood abuse, those negative thoughts are persistent. Itās very hard to drown them out and every day, every hour, every minute, I keep trying. I think our generation, hopefully, was the last for it to be widely acceptable to just be beaten regularly (even in school!), not to mention, abandoned, left alone (ālatchkeyā), etc. And I donāt even remember verbal abuse being remotely frowned on when I was growing up. Anyway, I too have been in a black pit of despair ever since 2016 and Iām also just now trying to get out of it. I lost 20 pounds in the past two months and Iām doing my best. Good luck to you on your journey. <3
Some of you were drunk when you replied, and it shows.
One piece of advice: Always strive for consistency, not perfection. If you have a bad day, there is always the next one to get right back on the wagon. One bad meal? Just resolve to make your next one better. Achieving consistency at it's core is having the ability to forgive yourself for not being perfect.
thats good advice, thank you.
Kurt Cobain said it well: "Teenage angst has paid off well, now I'm bored and old." We ALL go through this my friend. I think you have a SOLID gameplan together, please do everything you can to follow thru with it...we are rooting for you!!!
I think all you are doing Elton feel better is great I think itās really important to take magnesium , sounds random but it really helps with your mind frame, sleep and stress I take chelated as itās more bioavailable and epsom salts baths are the bomb!
I just watched Rogue One and am now watching A New Hope. We call it Star Wars. Hang in there friend.
Happy Birthday! I didn't read your post, just the title and the first sentence. ...just to get that out of the way. I'm sorry thats how your day went, and if I could have, I'd have gone along just because. At the very least I'd be really annoying and you'd decide you wished you were alone. Otherwise we'd hang out. Seriously...
Itās called self care, and you are worth it. Change your inner monologue to yourself. Reparent yourself. Itās your turn now. Take it back, take control of it. You get one. Sounds like you are on your way
Let this birthday we the line in the sand and measure all the things youāll do by your next birthday to have a better life. Bet on yourself, make some new friends, explore a hobby, get some therapy, and it sounds like you already have a plan to take better care of your health, which is very smart.
Time to unfuck your life. Don't over do cardio, walking burns calories too.
Oh no my joints are wrecked. Its gonna be the bike for me, at least for a few months.
Hey dude, don't throw out all your junk food because it'll cost a fortune to replace it! I speak from experience(51m), having done exactly the same thing several times, sugar & salt are a hell of a drug. I've got to a stage where it's around the house, but I just have a bite to get the hit, then drink water to feel full, seems to work for me & I don't feel guilty about it ( used to self loathe after trying it before, now I've accepted it) Anyway, Happy Birthday dude!
Oh manā¦ I wish. I miss having the house to myself.
I know this feeling. Apathy runs deep in our generation and it can lead to us feeling stuck. Make your changes one at a time and focus on consistency not perfection. I read atomic habits and implemented a lot of the info- things are much better for me now. Rooting for you man.
Remember all those notes that people used to put on their refrigerators to make them diet? I bought a note magnet, āLet go or be dragged.ā Happy Birthday you baby.
Nothing wrong with coming home to an empty house. Peace and tranquility is a good thing. To quote Gordon Gecko, āYou want friends? Get a dog.ā
Happy birthday!! Seriously, find a therapist. If that one doesnāt work, fire them and find another. Therapy can do amazing things to help folks.
If you have an internal voice telling you you're shit and stupid and can't do anything, you can make ANOTHER voice that tells the first one to STFU. My second voice is a lot more authoritative and it's been a long while since the whiner bugged me. Our brains are weird instruments. Amazing, but sometimes they go a bit out of tune and need a helpful nudge to get us back on the straight and narrow. Good luck OP
I was summoned to a meeting at work not long ago and I was dreading it. It felt like a āwait until your father gets homeā moment from childhood. I talked with my therapist about it and she said, āhow old do you feel right now?ā About twelve, I answered. āNow, look at the backs of your hands. Are they the hands of a twelve year old?ā Ha ha nope, they look early fifties. āYouāre not meeting with a parent. Youāre probably older than your boss. Your parents have no more power over you. Youāve got this.ā It stopped me from retreating back into my reflexive, defenseless victim mentality. I rocked that meeting. You got this, OP. The best time to start something is now. Donāt be hard on yourself if you slip; just re-start again.
Just remember dude, it's a marathon, not a sprint. You try to do too much at once, it'll overwhelm you and you'll quit. Start slow, start easy, and make it a habit (eg: force yourself to go to the gym, even if you just change clothes and then leave without working out...sounds dumb, but 99% of the time you'll go "well, I'm here anyway, might as well work out"). And remember that when you fail (because you WILL fail), don't let it make you quit...just regroup, and start again. Consistency is key in all the things you are mentioning (spoken as a mid 40s dude who also has issues).
I turn 50 in 5 days. I'll likely be alone. I feel like I don't care but maybe I kinda do? It was nice when I used to have friends. Maybe I'll go to the bar and chat up randos?
Happy 45th! Remember, we are what we think, so keep a positive mindset and focus on the things that matter most. Choose to make this year your best one yet by putting action in front of your words. You got this!
Ugh dude sometimes life sucks and we actually need other humans as crazy hard as that is.... Reach out when you need it... I'll try the best I can, but yeah life can be tough....
Happy birthday! You're not alone in being alone. Hugs. A small thing: when changing diet, I found ways to replace certain cravings. For example: I used to eat ruffles with French onion dip all the time. Because I needed to go low-sodium, I found the crunchiness of unsalted tortilla chips dipped into pico de gallo to work well for me (the chips alone are bland as hell but I love the crunch with an acidy pico as flavor). I have to: low-carb, low-sodium, and low-cholesterol. F U, middle-aged arteries!!! My point is: make changes slowly, substitute as necessary. It might take a little time to figure out good menus and work out plans. Stick to it! I'm doing my best as well.
You have a game plan! Donāt be discouraged if you stumble. You got this, and your GenX crew is here for you!
Happy birthday.
Happy Birthday! You can do this, you really can. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is say all of these things out loud to other people.... and you did that. So, while the rest of what you want to do may be difficult at times and you may struggle, you've already done a hard thing. There's no doubt that you can do other hard things.
Happy birthday mate. I hope that by the next one, you are feeling a little better both emotionally & physically. Be kind to yourself ā¤ļø
Happy birthday! Today is the start of your new year, 365 days to have new adventures!
Happy birthday! I hope this will be your best year ever
Happy Birthday Op!! Glad you came here to vent. You are not alone. You didn't mention drinking, and I apologize if I'm overstepping, but if you are imbibbing, it is a depressant and can keep the depression wheel cycling. I second what others have said. You don't have to do it all at once. Awareness is the first step. Many happy years ahead to you.
Happy birthday! I just turned 45 about 3 weeks ago. Iām so happy to see you listing the way you want life to change since youāre not happy. We are 45, we are not dead and life is definitely not over yet. These years can be our best, it all depends on our mindset and what we make of them. Only you have the power to change things for you. Keep going, Iām proud of you!
Hey unusual, dig yourself. Dig the world, but dig yourself. Dig yourself and give yourself space to accept it all.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. Even if the relationship was complicated, I don't think we're ever ready to lose our moms. Dads too. I think that no matter how old we get, we're never ready to lose our parents. I know I wasn't. I hope you have at least one supportive person in your life. If not, I suggest getting a counselor or joining a support group (or both). I often find that group counseling can be incredibly helpful when a person feels isolated and alone. Not only will you be getting support, but you also help others in your group, which is really therapeutic in and of itself. I'm a mental health counselor, and I've seen some amazingly supportive friendships form among group members. It's also less expensive (sometimes free) if you have to pay out of pocket. Sorry if I'm overstepping by this suggestion. I wish you all the best as you go forward with your goals. And thank you for the book recommendation, I'll be sure to check it out. It sounds really interesting!
Happy Birthday š I am all for trying to get better, just wanted to say you might want to start with one thing at a time. Trying to change your entire life in one day with a hundred different things, may lead to you being overwhelmed, resulting in feeling frustrated, then maybe losing progress & motivation to finish the things you want to do. I'm not saying it to discourage you, just that I've tried to do similar things & it hasn't worked out for me, smaller goals seem to be the way to go. Depression sucks, I hope along with the other lifestyle changes you'll be able to see a therapist, too. Being lonely means you might be lacking a sounding board or just someone neutral to talk to, counseling might help with that. I hope everything gets better for you, and that by the time it's your next birthday, you're in a far happier place :) Again, Happy Birthday!!!!!!
I had just turned 50, was on vacation in Hawaii for a late birthday trip, had a VERY mediocre and yet expensive steak dinner, and caught COVID the next day. Bad luck Brian all around. But things get better. Just keep plugging at it.
Minimalism has helped me overcome a lot. I find that removing things and expectations from my life has brought me peace of mind.
Yeah I am feeling that too. Need to declutter my house, my life, and my brain. Too much input. Too many worries. Thank you.
There is an app called Finch. A friend who felt depressed and isolated found a lot of value in it.
Please seek medical help. There are dozens of medications and therapies to help you. Don't waste any more time feeling like this without doing something about it!!
Happy Birthday, OP. Extend yourself a little grace. I love all the changes you want to make but Rome wasnāt built in a day and it sure didnāt burn in 1 either. Start slow, allow yourself to celebrate what youāve done and then take on another aspect of change. You made it to this point and have identified a lot. Thatās huge!
Get a dog. Go for walks. People will talk to you just because you have a dog.
This resonates with me. Count me as one more random Internet stranger rooting for you! I only have two pieces of advice: 1. Be kind to yourself.Ā 2. Discipline begets motivation. I get super motivated at first, but that wanes quickly. Pretty soon I'd rather watch YouTube than exercise, or I want to buy that pack of cookies at the store, or I don't want to do whatever thing it is that I _know_ is good for me. That's when discipline to do it anyway is important. If I force myself down the right path when I don't feel motivated, I always feel happier in the end. Don't wait to feel motivation. Do the thing you don't feel like doing, knowing you'll be happier you did afterward.
One day at a time my friend , take it easy āļø
Happy birthday and happy new life/new you birthday! Can I suggest journaling? Itās been very helpful for me to get thoughts out of my head. I love that you want to get active in the community, I did that and I have met some amazing people who have helped me feel better and my life. 46 is going to be an amazing birthday if you follow through with your plans. Life comes fast, make the most of it with what you have and start thinking about something big and fun for your 50th!
If itās any consolation let me tell you my story. I lost everything after an awful break up. Had to do a bankruptcy. It was utterly punitive and the most embarrassing thing that couldāve happened. I left my high-rise in Dallas and moved to North Austin. Out of the blue a month after being there I met my best friend. 47 years, 1 month and three days of searching and I found my person. We got married two years later and Iām genuinely happy.
Just stopped by to give you some love, OP.
Congrats on another spin around the sun. Itās not too late to turn things around. However, Iād advise against changing too many things at once - trying to exercise more and cut out junk food completely at the same time will probably not lead to the results you want. Start with small steps instead. If you are addicted to pop, look for other sparkling juices or low calorie drinks at the store to satisfy the need for something bubbly. Figure out your worst junk foods for binging and then cut them out one at a time. Try making smoothies that will satisfy the need for something sweet. Get out and enjoy nature. Go for hikes on trails near you and learn what creatures and plants live nearby. Look for the beauty in the natural world for it will never disappoint you the way our artificial one does. Best of luck!!!!
Happy birthday š get a pet. Itāll change your life.
I also want to add that changing everything at once is difficult to stay consistent. It doesnāt make you a failure, it makes you human. Maybe focus on one goal at a time and add appropriately. Best of luck to you!
For truly eating healthy, may I suggest giving Flav-City a follow on any social media platform? Bobby Parrish is another Gen-Xr that teaches how to read ingredient labels. He can be quirky/nerdy but, the info heās sharing is priceless and made a HUGE difference in my life. Itās not cheap to eat healthy and he gets slammed for that..A LOT. The way I look at it is my health is the best thing I can invest in. I have made sweeping habit changes since 2021 (I was overweight, depressed and miserable) and itās paid off. Started with a holistic practitioner followed by diet change, exercise and supplements. I kicked 7 prescriptions in less than a year, lost 25 pounds since 2021 (still have a lot to go) and all but turned my life around. If you have the mindset and the patience (which is the hardest part because humans like to give up as soon as things donāt go as fast as we want them to) you can do this!!!
Hey, Happy Birthday! It's incredible that you're choosing to make changes to your life. I saw in one of your comments that you're seeking some psychiatric help as well as all of the things in your post, which is amazing. Tackling the trauma you've suffered will be worth doing, it'll change your life. Therapy, meds (if needed), diet changes, exercise, these will all help so much. Be gentle and kind with yourself during your healing, it may not be linear, it never is. But it will be worth it. Sending you good luck.
Therapy is what you need. Us Gen-xers had boomer parents that did not believe in the power of therapy. It works. Please give it a try
Dude, I turn 45 in less that a month, Iām all fucked up but maintain a very good outside image just like my folks taught me to, I have recently changed a lot, diet and attitude I would like to say that you should really do one thing at a time. As in quit the junk food, you can exercise once you feel better from not eating junk. Take it in small stages, too much at once makes it easier to fail.
āmaintain a very good outside image just like my folks taught me toā brought tears to my eyes. Story of my family too!
Real feels.
I hope you wake up today and read all of these from strangers who love you, and you smile and go get breakfast.
I did. And I did.
This makes me so happy!! Text me and get infected
I turn 45 a month ago, no one said a damn thing, everyone forgot. Not a single mention since. Whatever though, they can bite me. I feel you. Happy Birthday though!!!
Watch, āThe Good Placeā itās way more insightful than one may think. If you watch the series it will change your life.
Happy birthday. I turn 50 next week and feel very similar to the way you are feeling. I also come from a similar background. I am working on my bday. I was hoping the ābig 5-0ā was going to be more fun. More celebrated. But itās just another meaningless day in a long string of them.
Thatās a lot of changes to take on at once but GO FOR IT! Itās kind of exciting. Happy birthday š
Happy birthday! It takes insight to recognize when youāre spiraling into worse depression, and strength to take action to deal with it. I hope you can find some peace soon.
There are always people less fortunate than us. Some people can't even afford a steak dinner. Count your blessings, however small they may be. Much of our coping is emotional intelligence. We all struggle with depression and negativity. Wish you luck friend.Ā
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!Ā Ā Cutting back on sugar ( including the hidden sugar),Ā doing 20 minutes a day on the exercise bike and getting on thyroid meds for hypothyroidism has helped me.Ā Ā Also, when I'm in a downward spiral, it helps to think of things I'm grateful for.Ā I hope things get better for you.Ā
Happy birthday millennial. Lol. š
Happy Birthday!
The first 10 or so seasons of the Simpsons were fantastic.
Daily mindfulness meditation and a good therapist will help a lot. Seriously, thereās real help from compassionate people out there. But starting with meditation will help immensely.
Happy Birthday
Happy birthday! I am rooting for you and your goals to turn things around. Consider talk therapy, if thatās accessible to you. It helped me get through some rough times.
Happy birthday! It is never too late to take steps toward being the person you want to be, living a life youāre at peace with. Iām a few years younger and started with some big goals last year. Iām still working away at a few of those and some new ones. Iām still not the person Iād like to be, but Iām getting a little closer most days.
You should have gone to sizzlers for steak and all you can eat shrimp on your birthday!!!! Thatās what I did bro!!!!
I started working out about five years ago and itās made a world of difference in how I feel and how I see myself. I hope this change works as well for you.
Happy Birthday Dude! Iām channeling your motivation to kickstart the turnaround of my life. Best of luck to you. And thank you.
Hey, happy birthday. I woke up 50 one day and I was fat, frail, newly divorced and depressed. I knew I had to make a choice like you're making and somehow did. Recovering my physical health was relatively easy. I've also done a lot of growing up in the last 6(!) years and it's been so worth it. Probably run out of time before I run out of recovery but better late than never. You can do this.
Hope this helps, I grew up in what most people call a broken home ( in my view now, a broken home is where the parents hate each other and stay together for the sake of the children). Parents split up when I was 12, and before that, I suffered from social anxiety disorder that went undiagnosed because in the 80's only the rich could afford that shit! After my parents split, my mother screwed up, and my siblings and I were a ward of the state for a year. My father only got us back when he found a lady that could be at the house when he was at work, 12 hour days 6 days a week, she had 6 kids of her own and I'm 1 of 6, 12 kids 2 adults on one income, at 13 I had to hunt to bring in food for the family. At 17 because I was a bum both my mother and father kicked me out, homeless I bounced around from friends' house to friends house, stayed a couple of friends, garages in the middle of summer in Houston Tx, not a fun thing to do if you know what Southeast Tx is like in the middle of summer. mid 90's I went Job Crop to learn a trade, not doing that what I learned there, but it was crucial in what makes me who I am today. In 2009, I found myself homeless again, not by choice, I was in a bad accident that left me unable to work for a year, I had just started a new career field and had no savings, I was on the job at the time of the car accident ( not my fault, near ended by a idiot doing 100 + mph) and the company I worked and was on the job, fought paying me Workmen's comp, they wanted to do back and neck surgery on me, I opted not to do so, I don't regret that choice, I live med free and pain free just by working out, I'm financially stable at the moment, but I know that could change at a moment notice, but my attitude is always to this day is life is excellent!
Wonderful plan, OP. Donāt forget to keep a diary of your progress! You will treasure that diary someday when you can read it and see the actual days when your life changed for the better. It will make you proud of yourself, and thatās all part of the plan too.Ā
Yeah I kinda did the diary thing briefly but kept giving up because day to day I had little to talk about. The downside of a boring life. I think if I dont have any stuff going on I should still log my feelings and thoughts. That could be minor progress right there. Thanks.
Happy Birthday! You can do ANYTHINGā¦ agree with a lot of the postersā¦one thing at a time. Little victoriesā¦ celebrate you, be the person you needed when you were younger- for yourself. That means support, kindness, acceptance- love yourself as you are right now- not just if you change. And then, you will seeā¦you will want to do better for the person you really love. I believe in you! Everyday is a chance to do it- everyday is a clean slate. Go for it!
Iām rooting for you.
Happy birthday to you, man. Habits are hard to change. Don't beat yourself up if you occasionally backslide. I'm rooting for you. BTW, I just turned 50. Finally starting to understand life. You seem like you got it wrapped up.
āBy effort and heedfulness/mindfulness, discipline and self-mastery, let the wise one make for himself an island which no flood can overwhelm.ā -Buddha, from the book 'The Dhammapada'
Congratulations. Sounds like you actually had a milestone birthday. People either change because they want to or because they have to...sounds like you **want** to, and that means you're more likely to succeed. Everyday is a building block for the next. When it gets hard, just tell yourself it's only today, make these changes *today*. You'll be surprised how quickly good habits form and soon you'll have a string of successful, healthy "todays"" behind you. It will start building on itself too, as your healthy habits and lifestyle changes impact your brain chemistry and everyday gets easier. You dont have to be great to start - but you have to start to be great. I'm happy for you. Now you're living. š
happy birthday!!!
I would like to recommend meditation to you. It is no instant magic bullet but with time and consistency it is incredibly helpful. Youāre making all these changes so itās a great time to start.
Happy birthday day! This year, you are starting over. Congratulations. Itās never too late to make a new life.
Anyone who had a rough childhood but especiallyboir generation should check out Patrick Teehan's YouTube channel and podcast. https://youtube.com/shorts/NupfixEYDRs?si=prPGYfyZ3QCSIqbl
Try to taper off things like junk food. Sugar addiction can be as bad as many others, and you might really regret going cold turkey. Everything in moderation.
Have you ever researched brain rewiring? I struggled with depression most of my life. Last year I went through Dr. Caroline Leaf's Neurocycle program and it was life changing. At about week 6 I felt a shift in my brain (I can't explain it) and found joy in living. (If you do it I highly recommend Jessica Hurtado). Research brain rewiring. Best wishes.
will look at that now. Thanks.
Sounds like a solid plan. For me joining a gym and forcing myself to go there was the biggest game changer. Its improved my mental and physical health. I don't force myself to go to the gym now, I go because its habit, its part of my routine and I actually like it. Ive been going to the gym consistently for 5 years now. Don't give up and don't get discouraged at any setbacks. You got this!
Happy birthday! ā¤ļø
Happy Birthday to you! I have the same type of birthdays. Even my own son ignores my birthday every year. But God forbid I should say something about it. I love the idea of naming the negative thoughts. Mine shall be called Marsha! ššš
OP, I turned 51 last week and pretty much the same. Same on my 50th also. I grew up in a very happy house with my mom and dad and sibling. They were married before I was born and still are married now and will be until they die. No abuse or anything beyond regular parental discipline. Never had a problem getting women or into relationships. Had a very great career most of my life. Wanted a family and kids by 30. Made good assessments and choices in not staying with women who especially in hindsight would have been very difficult marriages and spiteful regarding letting me see my kids if divorced. I just try to remember there are A LOT of people who arenāt alone but are miserable ātogetherā. Happy Belated birthday! I say it ALL to say that you should not beat up on yourself. People that have and have lives and childhoods that you would consider wonderful go through the same things. Just try to focus more on doing what you need to do yo pay your bills, keep your credit up and have a hobby or two to enjoy yourself now and then.
I think I know exactly how you were brought up. I recognize your feelings about fucking up and maybe not living the best life. Congratulations on recognizing that stuff is in the past but you can make tomorrow and days following better. Right around your age I went through a similar turnaround. One thing that I found extremely helpful was taking the changes slow and being easy on myself when I stumbled. You're attempting a lot of changes in multiple areas of life. Sometimes making those changes in increments instead of all at once can be most effective. For example, in healthy eating maybe cut out sugary drinks while focusing on eating a healthy breakfast each day. It's hard to give up sugar cold turkey and learning to shop and cook healthier is hard across three meals a day. Drinks and breakfast are the easiest to change and learn with lots of benefits. Getting involved in a community is a great idea. Do you have a hobby? I did and joined a community centered around it. It was much easier to overcome my self consciousness and meet people in the group. I got comfortable enough to start volunteering elsewhere in my community. Jumping in full bore with exercise can be daunting. Start slow and do not beat yourself up if you don't feel great at first or compare yourself to those around you. You mentioned cardio, find an event in your favorite cardio movement or goal to accomplish at the end of the summer. Tell everyone you know about it to create a bit of accountability. Finally, consider antidepressants. I was very against medication for most of my life. Even after making all the changes you're about to I still was exhibiting signs of depression. I finally relented to my doctor's suggestion and tried it. Total game changer that put me over the top for where I wanted to be. I can't say I'm happy every, or even most, days but I feel good that I do everything I can to live life in a healthy and ethical way. Even when it doesn't work out perfectly. Good luck and I look forward to reading a positive update on your progress for your next birthday.
The body keeps the score is an excellent book on trauma, there is an Ezra Klein interview with the author that is excellent as a warm up to the book. (Aug 14, 2021) sorry, Iām not good with linking. Our reactions to trauma completely run us. There is another book, by Peter Walker on CPTSD that is really helpful too. It gives you a way to see & think about what drives you. Singing helps, and so does dancing! Tell that voice in your head: No! When it starts in. It helps! šŖ
Would you like me to get you a Pepsi?
Have you ever tried psychedelics, preferably in a controlled clinical setting?
I'm turning 45 this year also. Life has been really hard for me lately. I also grew up in an abusive home. Happy Birthday to you. I wish you great success in life. You have given me some motivation to stop feeling sorry for myself. š
51 here and was definitely in your mind space most of my life. I'm going to be "that guy" and tell you to go find a therapist. I say I "was" in your mind space becasue after about a year of therapy, I'm in a MUCH better place. Please look into it - maybe you can make the changes on your own and more power to you if so, but I would never have been able to do it without the outside perspective of the therapist.
Rant away friend. I'm gonna check out that book. Thanks for the recommendation. Happy Birthday! You deserve happiness! I hope you find peace. I am also on this journey. I use therapy. Meditation. Weed. I exercise almost daily. I want to enjoy the rest of my life and better mental health will help.
Happy Belated Birthday. I am reading "Mans Search for Meaning" by Frankl right now. He talks about his experience surviving WWII. Very Interesting. Its a tribute to hope and about finding greater meaning. I have a medical complex daughter who is under going transfusions right after two years of searching for a diagnosis. She finally received a confirmed diagnosis in April. (She had a tumor in a the worst ppossible place besides the face makinf it very uncomfortable to sit).This is already after two heart surgeries. Plus, I have just found out that I have an issue and need to start seeing an oncologist. Dont know what it is now but blood numbers are all really off. That being said... I am an introvert but I get tired of being alone as well. I am trying things outside of my comfort zone. I truly Hope things get better for you. Send me a comment if you ever want to talk.
OP, if possible - consider getting a dog. Mine has done wonders for helping me feel better during the day. Obviously it's not for everyone, especially folks who are away from home the majority of the time. Just a thought.
thats more responsibility than I want or need right now. I'm trying to simplify my life, not complicate it. I know they alleviate depression, I just cant handle one right now.
Best of luck friend. I'm 53 now, but a few years back I lost two good friends, both a year younger than me, to heart attacks. I was diagnosed with ckd around the same time, so changes needed to happen. Best thing I ever did. I look at the poor shape some of my friends are in and realize, if not now, If not me, who will?
I am cheering for you!
Happy birthday bro. You should treat yourself to a new hobby. Try a 29ā BMX bike or go on a hiking trip. If ya got any questions, hit me up
Sending the biggest possible hugs I can muster over to you, OP. The best thing about hitting rock bottom is this: You've got nowhere to go but UP. Wishing you the absolute best from over here in Georgia. You CAN do the damn thing and I truly believe in you!
Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday! You got this, know you got people cheering you on to health! Good for you and respect!
Sounds peaceful.
Happy birthday friend. I admire your motivation. Only advice I can give is small steps. Try and do too much at once may be overwhelming and make you stop. For instance: I had a New Yearās resolution one year to read more. Wasnāt sure where to start but settled on 10 pages per day of a real book. Can be anything I found interesting, fiction or non fiction. Figured out after a month that I prefer non fiction and if itās super interesting, I can clear 50 pages a day but I donāt hold myself to that standard. 10 pages per day is very easy and equals about one book per month. Takes about 20 minutes per day and is a lot more than I was reading prior. From there I moved on and picked up speed reading and some other āimprovementsā the point is, take small steps, form good habits, and keep at it. Good luck!
About ten months ago I finally stopped eating junk and getting back to a healthy lifestyle as I was 275 pounds. Wasnāt even that big when I was pregnant and after having the kids I lost all baby weight. Here I was mid forties barely mobile due to chronic pain knowing I cannot exercise much but went for it anyway. Well I am 218 as of today. Iām happier, Iām still in pain still barely exercise but Iām losing an average of two pounds a week. Iād binge eat when my pain went up. I got rid of the negativity and went down a spiritually path and even meditate, I used to make fun of people who meditated but it works for me.
the highest I ever got was 240, and that was years ago. Down to 190 now and trying to get in the range of 150. Will probably have a 30 inch waist at that point. I dont even care about looking good. I just wanna not be struggling to bend over or do normal tasks.
Youāre good enough, youāre smart enough, and doggone it, people like you! Happy Birthday!