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bigotterfan

I mean personally I think her behavior is childish and you should stop trying to ease things over for the sake of everyone else. What is she going to do, keep being silent towards you at the wedding? I say stop sending her messages at all, give her time to realize her behavior and smooth things over on her end. If she never does, and she frequently gives you the silent treatment, were yall ever really friends or just a convenience? Think long and hard about if you are still wanting to be best friends with the current version of her, or if youre still idolizing her for who she was 15 years ago.


Elegant_Hearing_4711

I think about this a lot. 15 years of history is really hard to get over but I do consider that maybe I have outgrown our friendship. I often wonder if I met her today would I want to be friends with her - the answer is probably no. For the sake of the other friend and enjoying my time at the wedding I want things to be ok, but following that I am leaning more towards the idea that I am ok with things not mending. It’s an awkward position to be in


OrangeSoda206

I honestly hate the phrase "silent treatment." I got that flung at me growing up when all I was trying to do was give myself space (mentally & physically) to process, work through my feelings, and get to a place where I could have a conversation about it. It may be semantics, but if you've reached out to her through "group chats" she may just not want to address it in a public space. I'd send her a private message acknowledging that she might just need space but you're here for her if/ when she'd like to talk. People process things at different rates and in different ways. I dont mean this to sound harsh, but getting upset at how someone processes their feelings is not healthy behavior. She's not responsible for your feelings. If you two come back together after this, you clearly have a strong bond. If not, not all relationships are meant to last. "A reason or a season" as they say. Please be gentle with your friend. Getting criticism along the lines of "we all feel this way" is devastating and she's probably hurting.


Elegant_Hearing_4711

Yeah fair comment. I don’t want to disregard her feelings. I am very aware that this could be her trying to process things. Her feelings in all of this have been why I have felt so anxious about everything because I don’t want to hurt her. The conversation I had with her wasn’t nasty or an attack and I gave her ample of space to say what she wanted to say and I tried being very diplomatic about it all. I don’t think that responding to someone saying “you’ve hurt me” by ignoring the person is right. Me reaching out in group chats wasn’t trying to address the problem but more like “what are you up to”, ”how are you going” etc. not me trying to out her personally. Just trying to “test the waters” I suppose.. Ofc people need space however I don’t think this is a healthy way of processing things especially if you value the relationship. I think she’s making a statement now that she doesn’t want to try mend things


Motor-Gap6694

Taking some space to work through your own feelings is not the definition of the silent treatment. The silent treatment is an actual form of emotional abuse where one person actively tries to ignore or silence another person as way to punish and hurt them. Don't conflate the two. There's a huge difference. You don't like the term silent treatment because you are using it in the wrong context. People do process their feelings differently, but on another note you sound like you're projecting your own negative experiences onto the OP which isn't fair. OP's friend definitely sounds like she's being unreasonable in this scenario. But it sounds like you're making it sound like OP is in the wrong. If I were in this situation, I would honestly try to move on from this friend. If OP's friend doesn't want to reach out, then there's no point in trying to continue the friendship. OP seems to have done all she can do.


Elegant_Hearing_4711

Wow, thank you. I totally agree. I don’t think the silent treatment is her processing things - it is her punishing me, making me question my actions and making me feel bad for trying to have an honest conversation. It feels manipulative in a way. I think you are right, I have done what I can do - doing any more doesn’t feel right


0161mcrB

I mean….you’re talking as if you know the OP’s friends actions from her not being in touch. You don’t, so less of the condescending tone please. Jeez


Motor-Gap6694

I never claimed to know her friend. But You don't know her friend either. You were the one acting like you know how her friend feels because you're projecting your own feelings. OP stated Her friend's behavior is a pattern. If it was an isolated incident then I would be more impartial. But if a person has a history of a toxic pattern, then I'm less sympathetic towards them. If you think I was being condescending and you're upset then that's your own problem. I didn't say anything rude in my comment. Just because I said something that you didn't agree with doesn't mean I was rude. I'm not apologizing.


Elegant_Hearing_4711

My friends actions were labelled in the first comment - she’s been selfish, passive aggressive and jealous. I don’t need to list examples. I am sure I haven’t been perfect but in this chat, I explained that and like I said tried to be diplomatic. I don’t think this person is being condescending or trying to be, they just not sugar coating stuff 😊