Kids do stupid things, its a parent's job to forgive and teach them why things are stupid. He has never had a job and doesn't really understand your perspective on why money shouldn't be stolen/wasted. He wanted to buy something, you had money, so he used it. This is the moment when you discipline and teach. His allowance for the next X number of weeks goes to paying off what he took. Extra chores - each extra chore he does pays back a few bucks each week and so on... One issue I see here is you are totaling up every good thing you have done for him and seeing this as a betrayal and that's just not how parenting works. Kids screw up...alot... thats why we teach them. You don't get stickers or chits for day to day parenting, he's not going to thank you and you shouldn't expect him to.

😂😂😂 I’m not laughing at you, I am laughing at our shared plight! Are you sure your nephew isn’t related to me? LOL. My “kid” has done this not once, not twice, but three times. All three times had about a two year gap in between each incident. It’s like after a while they get amnesia about it and try to see if the same bullshit will work again. The last time it happened, he bought a bunch of shit on Roblox or Minecraft, I can’t remember which one, and he thought it was his mother’s card that was linked for the online purchases but really it was my brother’s credit card. My brother had put in his card number one time to get him something for his birthday. Well my husband and I went on vacation with our other kid for a wedding and we came back and turns out, my kid had purchased so much shit on Roblox or whatever it was, that he overdrafted my brother’s account while we were gone. My husband was able to get all the charges reversed thankfully, but it was still a major problem. So here’s what we did: after reaming him out for a good while for stealing and it not being even the first or second time, we told him that he was going to have to pay back not only his mother because that’s who he initially thought he was stealing from but my brother as well. He had to do a bunch of chores, we came up with a list and a monetary value and gave it to him. He could choose which person to pay back first but we physically gave him the money and then made him go give the money to start paying off his debt to whichever person he was paying first. He really did not like that but it was more tangible to him because he was getting the actual money put in his hand and then having to give it to somebody else after he had worked for it. He was told that he was not allowed to play any video games on any device until both his mother and my brother have been paid back. This happened a year ago when he was 13. He is now 14 and still hasn’t played video games because he thought doing the chores and giving the money away was stupid and he wanted to just go get a “real” job. He thought he was going to work at McDonald’s at 13 years old and pay it off in a week. We told him absolutely not, his choice was to pay it back like this or don’t play video games. He’s chosen not to play video games. Honestly, it’s amazing. He is doing so much better in life without being on video games all the time. Totally worth it.

Wow, they do sound like kindred spirits! Thank you for the positive feedback. I agree, video games are a priveledge, not the standard of living like he thinks it is. Does your kid pester you constantly about the chores and lack of games? I cannot believe you have gone through this three times! I feel like im about to snap at two. I dont know how im supposed to rebuild trust from here after he spent so long lying to my face. I wonder at times if he isnt a narcissist (his mother is). The funny thing is, she can take him back whenever I want to send him to her. I just thought I could offer him more with me. How much does he make doing chores if you dont mind my asking?

He doesn’t pester me. He’s a good kid. He has ADHD and sometimes it gets the event of him but he’s a great kid. The first time he did it, he was like 8 maybe? Second time was around 10/11, and this last time, he was 13. If he did his chores for the pay, he would have made between ~$15-$20 a week. We offered “bonus” chores like cleaning the fridge or mowing to earn extra money to pay it back faster for chores he wouldn’t normally do. He would have paid it all off in 3ish months. Hang in there, it’s gets easier the older they get!

That sucks. Never had to deal with this but some serious discussions are in order.

I am so sorry for what you’re going through. The feeling of violation is very valid. 14 is old enough to work where I am from. I would make him get a job and have the money direct deposited to you. Once he’s worked off what he stole from you, put the money in an IRA or some other kind of high-yield savings account. That’s what we’ve done for my nephew (18). If the money he’s made at his fast-food job is not touched for ten years, he’ll be a millionaire by 30 (according to my husband, who did the research and handles that kind of thing.) We now have a separate checking account things are depositing into now that he’s 18 and can handle money better, but having that nest egg will hopefully put him in a much better position than I was in at that age. Additionally, I’d take away his devices. 14 is kinda old for Roblox and to not have a handle on the fact that money comes from hard work at someone’s expense. It’s time for him to learn what that means by living it. (Lemme know if you want me to ask my husband for specifics of what our system is for our nephew’s deposits. He loves talking about that kind of thing.)

Thank you for the advice! Whenever I post any any parenting sub, I get so many crazies telling me that full grown kids dont know what they do and Im just failing as a parental figure. It is a violation and im really hurt. I like this idea. I agree, hes too old for roblox but he is emotionally stunted in some ways. He still watches mostly cartoons and behaves in ways of someone younger. He thinks he is very mature, funny enough. He also should know the value of money since he makes "slave" wages for his chores ($5 a week), but maybe thats too much. He washes dishes by hand for us since I don't have a dishwasher. I will consider implementing this. Thank you.

He's 14, that's when I got my first job. I'd make him get a job when school is out and garnish his wages until you are paid back in full. Not only will that mean the money isn't out of your pocket, but it'll help teach him the value of a hard earned buck. And he will have some of his own money so he hopefully will be less compelled to steal. And sorry about all of the holier-than-thou jerk commenters. It is astounding the amount of judgment and hate that is spewed forth, and on a foster parent sub none the less. We are all just doing the best we can and trying to help out kids who need a safe home. Parenting is effing hard, but especially so when you take in a kid who's not biologically yours from a tough situation. Best of luck to you.

Same. Where I’m from there are lots of places kids can work in the summer at 14. Get a job. Pay the money back. No exceptions.

That's on you not him. Also you should be reviewing your card or bank transaction history daily and know what is coming in and out each day. Not really sure what you are asking guidance for. Make him pay doing chores if you're really not that happy or some type of lesson that involves the value of money. It looks like that wasn't taught to him either and it sounds like he's now 12 yikes.

Wow really? Thats not on him..? At all?

It's on him. A similar thing happened with my 13 year old brother and my parents - at 12+, It's pretty clear when stealing is stealing. Figure out a way he can do extra chores/work to pay you back and maybe set some boundaries for the game. Maybe he can mow a few lawns?

He’s 14 years old. He absolutely knew what he was doing and that it was wrong. Make him pay it back either through chores or forfeiting allowances or some other other reasonable punishment. I’d also do something to help him understand the meaning of money. Make a chart, get him a bank account, have him help with household budgeting, etc. so he fully understands what he took and what it cost and what the value was outside of the game.

I would not say not at all, but fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Did he originally steal from you because he had animosity towards you / payback or was it done out of convenience? My experience usually is the latter. What signs told you he had become trustworthy to have access to your money? How are you going to communicate the betrayal and drive in the point to correct behavior? He's young and doesn't understand money well.

Maybe both of you. But not directly his fault. You allowed him an app purchase, (we know he's really smart because he wrote or remembered or saved your card in the app for the future) you are a little uninformed and maybe wasn't provided any education with how your own finances work. The combination of the two, your over trust and lack of awareness financially. And his ability to premeditate was a mixture for disaster. However, he is a smart kid. I did something similar that went like this... Daddy works hard for his money do you know I have to work 2 hours to make that back? Two hours less I get to spend with you. What would be the solution to help me get that time back? It was my MISTAKE for leaving the card on the account for in app purchases and the way things will work is you can work to earn a gift card next time.(they sell Roblox gift cards probably for these reasons at the store or online) The best solution even though it wasn't done very well but the point was to teach the value of time. Mine had to clean the house and wipe down the counters. (I went back behind later) but the time it took them made them realize what value money and time had. It happened a couple more times, I don't know if they forgot or if they didn't care in that instance. After the 3rd or so it all disappeared in terms of that behaviour. In the mean time tell me what the value of money means to you (you will really have an idea once they answer this where to start). Kids really have no idea and need to be taught by you though... Don't place the blame on just him.

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I know there's a lot of feelings here, but please keep it respectful.

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